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art-of-mathematics · 2 years

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Almost 4 months on T and the ADHD and autism seem to be breaking out in its full glory. Well, I embrace it, as it helps me with getting rid of supressing my whole identity and neurodivergent needs.

I have read that adhd and asd can become more visible in women in menopause - increased testosterone levels... somehow gender-affirming HRT (ftm) could be similar. And when looking at the recent months, yes, for me it is very noticable.

I remember my first puberty, when it started at 12 yo, I was like somehow really odd in the brain - impulsive outbreaks of random thought gibberish, occassional screaming of dumb words that I could not stop saying/screaming, or making disturbing noises. Or talking gibberish endlessly, and deeply indulging in my special interests of theoretical fuckery. And observing people and social interaction just to try to understand the people around me. And trying to translate what people say in my own "language", which is, some sort of math, just to get a glimpse of what they are attempting to convey in their words.

I witnessed a large decrease of depression in the recent months, but also a slight increase in anxiety, mainly induced by increased sensory sensitivity and a far worse working memory.

Somehow T helps me - directly (via the biochemical alterations that also happen in the brain) as well as indirectly (via feeling more secure due to feeling more authentic, and also overcoming the fear of rejection when not heavily masking my neurodivergent self) - interestingly, it also helps me with dealing with my emotions. Before T they were far too intense, that I either shut them off entirely or became very moody. now they have a level where I can feel them in a healthy manner - not detached from them nor supressed, but somehow, more real and managable. In a sense, I am becoming more mature emotionally, as well as far more rational and logical.

And a lot of it makes me feel like being a 13 year old scatter-brained hyperactive boy who acts like an alien potato among humans - and who does not even understand his own silly associations.... ohh endless theoretical bullshittery...

But executive dysfunction sucks! The simpelst - especially practical - tasks are the most difficult for me - especially if they are extremely underchallenging and repetitive - repetition does not bother me if it's mentally challenging and stimulating enough. But for things where you need motor skills I entirely lack - it's like, really my body is a biological spaceship, and navigating it is disastrously exhausting! (Fine motor skills with a slight need of force - ends in maximal destruction!) (Dyspraxia is also getting more noticable.)

And my trains of thought disperse in literally all directions until they decay into brainy quantum foam dough. (What a hell of association?)

#nothing was meant derogatory #elliot.exe is loading #my transition #vitamine t #hrt testosterone #neurodivergent #actually neurodivergent #adhd #asd #autism #actually autistic #neurodivergent struggles #executive dysfunction

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art-of-mathematics · 1 year

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My friend Miri and I are now at a nice place - and it's satisfying to lay in the sun in a hammock on a sunny sunday - with mild 20 degrees C. (Very warm for the end of october)

The sound of the farm animals is really calming actually. Here are chickens, geeze, ducks, peacocks, rabbits, some sheep, some cuddly dogs, our cats Sina and Benji.

I hate the trashy city life - it's filled with noise and angry people, so fast-paced and rushed. Ugly, discomforting.

It's better here, the people here are relaxed and creative, not this extremely consumption-driven like in the city. I am happy Miri showed me this place and the people here.

Although I really struggle to interact with other people here as well, I enjoy that they make me feel welcome nevertheless. It is comforting to know I don't have to mask.

Two days ago we arrived here - and I could finally sleep well again after being in my home town (were much abuse happened/still happens) for two months.

I am thankful to be here - and to move on with my life - to get over the constant verbal and emotional abuse of my father and sister and to get over the constant no-help from the psychiatrists there that are supposed to help.

Since two days I had no panic attacks, I could distance myself from flashbacks and intrusive memories better again, and I could finally sleep the whole night without needing to piss 3 times. My blood sugar is normal again.

The anxiety caused a constant high blood sugar. Insuline resistance due to cortisol..

I can finally "do nothing" and just relax without worring and having anxiety.

#elliot.exe is loading #erholung #calm down #leaving my trauma behind #tw trauma #tw abuse

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art-of-mathematics · 2 years

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Today I have met my third part of myself - an alter? I don't know.

Today happened something very painful, my sister went into a very hurtful argument, because I told her why I couldn't visit her as I intended. Before, she complained about me 'being unreliable because I don't give a fuck". Which is neither true nor any sort of helpful. I am FUCKING struggling to survive! My nervous system is severely fucked. I cannot even walk properly, without unbearable exhaustion and almost collapsing, prolonged delirium, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I am far closer to dying than she can ever imagine.

She is too privileged and projects on herself.

Then when I told her I am severely weak and I try my best to keep that relationship working... she just said: "You just try to appear kind, offer to 'do something positive for me', just so you can burden me with your nonsensical terror 24/7. I do not have the strength to listen to that bullshit! "...

24/7 is so far from truth... She dismisses my struggles, because she projects it entirely on herself. And I fucking try my best to offer support for her....

But perhaps I am just people pleasing my abuser.

It hurts, as you can clearly see how bad she thinks of me. And that I am already lost and doomed in her eyes. It's no wonder, why more and more people and physicians advice her to do therapy. She has some serious personality-impacting bad coping mechanism issues. And I do not want to play her therapist in form of a punching bag.

I went into a heavy rollercoaster of meltdown and wild dissociation right after. Could not talk, only gibberish. My cramps were becoming awful.

My dad was just confused and annoyed again." Ah a drama again, how moronic"... they talked shit I had to endure. I screamt and somehow I could manage to make them call my mom. After that a lot of loud verbal discourse happened and I can't remember much, only fragments. Only that I was not myself. The words outta my mouth were of different accent, and it often switched between different types of voice usage and 'argumentation' - a heavily emotionalized one - I think it is my protector/guardian that intervened and kept their verbal abuse back to themselves. I can't remember much, but the fragments...

I don't know.

My sister told me I am a iteral burden.

And it shows. I take that as the final push to realease me from my abusive traumatic past and present.

They helped me see it is not worth holding on to something they have given up already.

They gave up on me, because sadly, it confronts them with their own issues they flee from. And they refuse to fight their own demons.

To help both myself and my sister our ways have to depart.

Now I am in that psychiatric hospital which I have serious fear of due to unfortunate abuse.

I was so afraid. Yet, I had luck with the psychiatrist I encountered, and the way I could verbally exchange my thoughts.

I was honest. And told her some important parts about the trauma. She asked me about the HRT I started 2 months ago, and if I think it could be related. I told her, that I can finally wake up from the nightmare of pretending to be something i never were, and which hurted and alienated me from all I really am. And it also helps me to allow myself to be(come) the authentic neurodivergent me, I neglected and imprisined in myself, just tu ensure mere survival.

I wake up now. Wake up from a nightmare. Sure it's tough, but so is every 'birth'...

She asked me if I want to die. And I honestly said: I never wanted to. I want to live! And that dream becomes reality now. In all the disaster I witness currently, my realistic optimism that everything will turn out well, feels more real than ever!

I have finally found myself. And now we will work on coming to know us. Maybe antagonization was never the desire of any of my alter egos... Maybe they are just turbulences within my own system induced by unbearable outside turbulence.

Maybe we've done well with healing ourselves enough to cooperate and improve each other, through self-reference somehow...

Each alter has their own desire and role. Each of them a psychotherapist in some means themselves. Maybe we found a common ground to withstand the unbearable turbulence of our traumatizing environment.

Maybe metacognition has succeeded in some way to 'synchronize the superposed waves' that is me. Maybe I've found my wave function now.

I have found peace within myself.

Better times will emerge. We withstanded the storm, but somehow found a way to not crumble and decay... We interwove each other. We are a trefoil möbius band - just "3" sides of one and the same.

These three fuckers really did it! Damn nerds! Our science really helped 'treat ourselves'.

#dissociation #metacognition #multiplicity #trefoil mobius #becoming myself #elliot.exe is loading..

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