#ellie can be a reincarnation of Dick | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dragongarden98 · 7 days

Text

Sorry, for not posting as much as I should, I don't think I am going to use Tumblr as much as I thought I did. But here's my new plot bunnies. Hope you enjoy it at least.

Title: lonely souls no longer lonely.

Fandoms Danny phantom. Durarara!!

Plot Summary.

Danny has to leave home because it's no longer safe in Amity Park.

Danny was caught by the G I W and he was experimented on.

In this fanfic Danny was adopted by the Fenton's when he was a baby. He is actually the illegitimate son of Orihara Shirou and is Izaya's half brother, that he has no idea about and didn't even know existed in the first place.

The rest of this fic would be focusing on Danny just trying to survive in the Ikebukuro. But he keeps getting mistaken for izaya.

This will have Shizaya and Izaya and Shizuo adopting Danny. Shizaya is important to the story but it's not the main focus, instead it's a secondary one.

Title: x marks the spot.

Fandoms Danny Phantom. Teen Titans.

Plot Summary.

It isn't safe anymore for the Fenton siblings in their own universe, so they leave their home dimension and they go to the DC universe.

There were some complications leading to Danny and his clone Ellie (Dani, I'm calling her Ellie because it's easier) becoming babies in between the ages of 1 month and 6 months old.

It's mainly just BAMF Jazz, she's raising her kids, kicking ass, and stealing stuff from evil corporations and Rich assholes.

50/50 if it is Jazz X Dick, but we'll just have to see.

The story would pick up where the Teen Titans cartoon ended. Perhaps the black and white monster could have been a ghost. Maybe we learn why Tara came back. FYI I know that there's a Teen Titans comic called Teen Titans go, not the same as that cartoon, it's set in the original series. Point is I'm not following the comics I'm going to do my own thing.

Fandoms Durarara!! ark survival evolved.

I had an idea for a story, but I have gotten some of the lore of ark completely wrong so my original story idea is completely scrapped.

Title: Records of a Forgotten Hero.

Fandoms Danny phantom. MHA.

Plot Summary.

Danny leaves behind a video diary for the three new halfas. So they can understand what is going on, and why they have multiple quirks now.

Midoriya. Bakugou. Todoroki.

I don't have much of a plot figured out for this one yet.

Title: The Runaway Babies.

Fandom Durarara!!.

Plot Summary.

Two young girls come to Ikebukuro to make a new life for themselves. They end up getting a bit more than what they bargained for, but a happy ending all the same.

Don't have very much for the story except the OCs end up adopting both Izaya and Shizuo instead of being adopted by them. The OCs are similar to izaya and shizuo.

It's a shizaya kid fic. Kids adopting their parents instead of the parents adopting the kids.

Title: a bond between two souls.

Fandoms My Hero Academia. Durarara!!

Plot Summary.

Bakugou and Deku wake up in the past and in the bodies of Izaya and Shizuo.

And they have no idea why, but now they have to figure out what happened to them and why they're here, and simultaneously deal with Izaya and Shizuo. Izaya and Shizuo are not happy that Bakugou and Deku are in their bodies.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with this fic, but I had so many ideas, but no real cohesive plot.

It's a reincarnation and soulmate AU. BakuDeku. Shizaya.

Bakugou is in Izaya's body and Deku is in Shizuo's.

Series title: Demons Of Gotham.

AKA, DOG. lol.

Fandoms Batman. Danny phantom.

Plot Summary.

Two demons have entered Gotham City and started attacking most of the rogues.

And at the same time Wayne Manor is being haunted by something or someone.

This is just going to be a series of one shots and maybe a few multi chapter fics. It's just meant to be a bunch of funny, wholesome, and horrifying (for the villains at least) stories about Thomas and Martha Wayne haunting Gotham (and kicking Joker's teeth out) for Jason, because he deserves better.

Series title: MHA Trip to DC.

Fandom MHA. DC animated universe. DC extended universe. Batman Wayne family adventures.

Plot Summary.

Just another series where MHA characters and DC characters. i don't have a story at the moment.

Just a bunch of ideas and scenes.

Title: The Missing Piece.

Fandom. Durarara!!

Plot Summary.

I don't really have much of a story right now. but it would be a Shizaya x OC.

Title: only fleas.

Fandom. Durarara!!

Plot Summary.

Shizuo has a onlyfans.

Izaya is a big fan of his.

Probably a one shot but could be multiple chapters. it's just meant to be some fun shizaya smut.

Fandom. Durarara!!

Plot Summary.

Post Ketsu.

3 years have passed since Izaya left Ikebukuro and Izaya ended up getting kidnapped by a serial killer.

Izaya manages to escape but it's being hunted by the serial killer.

So thinking this is his last chance he calls his sisters and his friend Shinra, he even calls Shizuo and apologizes to them.

But no one picks up for whatever reason, except Shizuo.

Was inspired by an episode of SVU.

Fandom. Durarara!!

Plot Summary.

Shizuo and Izaya wake up in a strange Lab. But they don't wake up together. Instead they wake up in different parts of the lab at different times.

They soon learn that the world has been overtaken by monsters. And they themselves are slowly turning into monsters as well.

Fandom. Durarara!!

Plot Summary.

Mermaid AU. Inspired by the movie Deep Blue sea.

Essentially it's the plot of the movie but replacing the sharks with mermaids and one of the mermaids Izaya. Maybe the other two mermaids or his sisters.

Shizuo is the shark handler guy. but instead of sharks it's mermaids.

Not the exact plot of the movie but definitely inspired.

Fandom. Durarara!!

Plot Summary.

Shizuo wake's up in bed with Izaya, and is mortified. He's not sure what happened. He's planning on leaving, but he wants answers (and he would feel a little scummy for just sleeping with someone and leaving them right after.)

During all of this Izaya is asleep.

one shot fic where mostly just shizuo unsure what to do.

Fandom. Durarara!!

Plot Summary.

This is the story with all the alternate versions of Shizuo and Izaya.

Shinra thought it would be a fun idea to clone them. that goes as well as you would think.

Now all the clones are loose, and Shizuo and Izaya don't know that they were cloned.

It is much chaos. In short the children have gotten loose and they're causing mayhem.

Fandom. Durarara!!

Plot Summary.

The story just has one alternate version of Shizuo.

Delic is Shizuo's cousin and Izaya doesn't know about him.

But Delic knows about Izaya and decides to mess with him.

Examples are, flirting, calling Izaya cute while he's flustered, etc etc.

And all while he's pretending to be Shizuo. It also helps that he has Shizuo's strength.

Now what does Shizuo think about this? Who knows, maybe they both start messing with Izaya. And Izaya is just frustrated with whatever the hell is going on.

Fandom. Durarara!!

Plot Summary.

Shizuo becomes an assassin and uses a cover named, Ruby No Yubiwa. Izaya became a manga artist by the pen name of Toudaimoto Kurashi.

I don't have that many ideas for the story.

Plus Toudaimoto Kurashi is kind of like an Izaya if he had never met Shinra.

Fandom. Durarara!!

Plot Summary

Izaya was sold to the Oriharas by his mom, or he was kidnapped by the Oriharas when he was a baby.

So he had no idea that he was kidnapped and/or adopted.

Depending on which version it's either his grandparents were still looking for him, or his parents and grandparents were looking for him. And as a last resort they go to the media. Another thing they can do in their desperation to find him is go to a certain informant and that's how they find out the truth.

inspired by another fanfic as well as an episode of SVU. I'm not sure where the story would go. I think it would be an interesting idea if Izaya had a family he never knew about. how would he deal with that?

Izaya has a secret child that no one knows about. Not even his family.

Unfortunately the mother of the child went missing, leaving Izaya to raise the child on his own. Another unfortunate thing is that Ikebukuro learns that Izaya has a kid, and Izaya decides to hire Shizuo as a bodyguard to keep his daughter safe.

I'm not sure what to do with this story. I just think it would be interesting if Izaya had a secret child.

Possible shizaya?

Izaya wakes up injured and in an apartment that he doesn't recognize. Turns out the apartment is Shizuo's.

Unsure how he got there, Izaya tries to figure out what's going on and how he ended up in Shizuo's apartment.

Meanwhile Shizuo is trying to take care of Izaya and keep him from getting out of the apartment.

Every time Izaya is close to getting out of the apartments. Shizuo freaks out and stops him from getting out.

It almost seems like Shizuo is scared of something.

Erika and Kyouhei have made a bet. The bet is who is right about the nature of Shizuo and Izaya's relationship. If Erika is right. Or Kyouhei?

If Kyouhei is right and those two aren't in a romantic relationship then Erika can't talk about them being in love for one month straight.

But if Erika's right... Who Knows! I haven't really decided on that one.

Shizuo and Izaya are trapped in The Sims. (It's totally Shenra's fault for that one.)

Shinra keeps the two of them separated. He gives them their own rooms and different parts of the house he made with them just until he figures out a way to get them out.

Shizuo has his own space far away from the "Flea" and Izaya is far away from the "Protozoan." Why aren't they put on separate lots because Shinra wants them to stay in the same place so it's easier to get them out. But unfortunately (though fortunate for the reader) this will backfire for all three of them.

Because somehow Erika gets a hold of the game; she has no idea that it's the actual Shizuo and Izaya and proceeds to live out her Shizaya fantasies.

This is going to be absolutely chaotic and I love it.

So have you ever seen the show "The amazing world of gumball?"

Well if you haven't you don't have to for this all you need to know is that there was an episode where an obsessive yandere ice cream girl (this show is very weird) gets a hold of a fanfiction note? What's the fanfiction note think of Death Note but instead of killing people it instead brought fanfiction to life.

Now imagine if Erika got a hold of such a book and all the stuff that would happen.

So it's up to Shizuo and Izaya to stop her because yeah it's all fanfiction about them together as a couple.

But will they be able to stop her before it's too late?

It's Erika's birthday and she's had a Shity Month! (Again blame Shinra for what's about to happen.) Shinra wants to be a good friend and make her birthday special so he decides it's a good idea to get Shizuo and Izaya into a relationship with each other.

At least that's one version. I just want a fic where Shizuo and Izaya are forced to pretend that they are in a relationship.

Erika Was Right!

I just want a fic where Kyouhei has an existential crisis because "Holy Shit Erika Was Right!" What was she right about?

Well obviously she was right about Shizaya.

Post katsu.

Izaya had a one night stand before the events of post ketsu with Shizuo.

This resulted in Izaya getting Pregnant.

Give the baby up for adoption after they're born, the birth happens eight or nine months after post-ketsu.

(Also the years have been altered slightly, instead of the events of the anime taking place in 2010 and 2015, instead it would be 2008 to 2009.)

The baby is all grown up and he's strong and ill-tempered just like his dear old dad Shizuo.

And now he wants to find out who his parents are? Will he ever get the answer? Who knows?

Eri compilation. Six villain stories and six hero stories.

Have some ideas for this.

The bat family ends up in the marvel universe. Will they get back home?

I don't have very many ideas for this.

The Bat family ended up in the 2004 The Batman series. Bat family minus Bruce and Alfred.

I have no idea for this one either. Well I have one idea but that's kind of it.

Jazz Fenton is female Tim Drake.

She left her home dimension because of some stuff that happened. The thing that ultimately gets her to leave is one Dick tries to have her put into Arkham.

She leaves to another dimension and she ends up getting turned back into a child. She finds a little baby boy that she named standing in a dumpster and later gets adopted by the Fenton's.

Izaya is heartbroken after getting rejected by Shizuo, so he leaves Ikebukuro. Shizuo regrets what he said to Izaya. So now Shizuo is trying to find Izaya.

Will Shizuo be able to find Izaya, will he ever get the chance to apologize for the hurtful things he said to Izaya. Or will it be too late.

FYI the stuff that Shizuo said to Izaya was pretty damn hurtful. Like a really brutal rejection. Even people who hate Izaya or think that Shizuo was being way too mean towards Izaya.

Durarara crossover with Backrooms.

Izaya gets trapped in the Backrooms.

Crossover with Durarara and SCP. Shizuo it's some kind of entity that broke into site 19. Izaya is one of the agents and Shizuo decides "this guy is really hot." And wants to make him his husband.

Izaya is given a love potion.

Anri and Izaya are siblings. Similar to idea one they don't know their siblings.

Might combine this with idea 18.

Sayaka (Anri mom) had Izaya when she was a teenager and give him up for adoption. The Orihara parents adopted and raised Izaya.

Izaya and Shiki are Father and son. Shiki knows that Izaya is his son. But Izaya doesn't know that Shiki is his dad.

This idea could also be combined with 18.

And could even be combined with the previous idea.

A crack fic.

A fusion of the first idea 1, 18, 35, 36, and Shiki now has a bunch of kids. And all three of them have issues. lol.

A series of fanfictions about Izaya and Shizuo being in a secret relationship with each other.

Izaya and Shizuo are too horny for their own good.

They do it in Shinra and Celty apartment. Don't worry they did clean up most of the condoms, they were a few they missed.

And they do it in a dumpster and they get caught by Simon. Well at least they're no longer fighting.

I'm sure if this idea is Canon to 38

Danny phantom and Gargoyles crossover.

Durarara but everyone is a cat.

Shiki and Shizuo have a talk.

It's a shovel talk.

Possibly Canon 38.

Izaya gets the aged and turns back into a small child. And now Shiki and Akabayashi are taking care of him.

#izaya orihara #shizuo heiwajima #shizaya #drrr oc #crossover #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #bakudeku #fanfiction #danny phantom #fanfiction prompts #fanfic #plot bunnies

6 notes · View notes

stina-is-a-punk-rocker · 3 years

Text

stephanie perkins: ‘anna and the french kiss’

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Then again, if you’ve read any YA book, ever, it’s fairly obvious what’s going to happen.

I was going to go easy on this book; I really was. It’s really unfair how media aimed at a female demographic is seen as frivolous and vapid, and more often than not bashed and bullied when it comes to reviews. “People actually enjoy this crap?” ask the powers that be. “It’s worthless! Pulp! Dreamy-eyed nonsense only complete nimrods could ever like!”

And I take offense to that. There’s nothing wrong with liking romance or happy endings or stories about cute European boys. I was ecstatic when I stumbled across Anna and the French Kiss upon a chance trip to the bookstore. The cover was… meh (Century Gothic? Really? There were no other fonts?). But I’d heard nothing but praise about the book, and I was prepared to stay up all night and into the wee hours of the morning to finish it.

Admittedly, I was far from impressed upon the first reading. The characters were unlikable, the plot would’ve worked better for less shitty characters, honestly fuck these characters am I supposed to like them, fuck Anna, fuck Étienne, fuck Bridgette, fuck Toph, fuck Dave and Meredith and Amanda and Seany and every other stupid character in this stupid book.

The second time around, I expected to not hate it as much as I did when I first read it. It’s happened- I hated Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda when I first read it, and when I read it again, all that red-hot anger simmered down into an overall dislike. I thought To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before was trash at first, and then I read it again, and it got promoted to recyclable waste matter.

I found Anna and the French Kiss horrendous the first time I read it, and then I read it again, and… yeah, it’s still pretty awful.

Le Sommaire:

Anna Oliphant is a seventeen-year-old wannabe film critic who is #NotLikeOtherGirls – so she’s exactly like every other female YA lead. To her credit, she never explicitly says she’s special… everyone around her does.

She has a pretty meh life in Atlanta, Georgia with her mum and little bruv Sean- and then her dad decides to ship her off to France for her final year of high school. I’m not judging Anna for bawling her eyes out on her first day; I’m a huge mummy’s girl myself and I’d probably (definitely) do the same.

Meredith is Anna’s next-door neighbor, who does that thing which only happens in YA where she’s like “Oh, newbie? Let’s be friends!” (Or maybe it does happen irl and I tend to make a bad first impression which is why no one has ever approached me.)

Meredith’s friends are: Rashmi and Josh (who are a couple), and Étienne St. Clair. Guess which one is the love interest.

Étienne is cultured in that white person way where he’s half American, one quarter French and one quarter British. A true international.

But- *gasp*- American-British-French boy has a girlfriend, Ellie.

Anna has an absolutely gorgeous punk rocker (yum) boy with sideburns (yikes) back home named Christopher. Also, Christopher’s nickname is ‘Toph’ instead of ‘Chris’ because he too is #NotLikeOtherGirls. Anna tells us that nothing will happen between her and Étienne.

Anna is wrong.

Meredith has a crush on Étienne. So does the Regina George of the school, Amanda.

Étienne and Anna have some moments ™.

♫ Everyone else in the room can see it, everyone else but Anna ♫

I tear my hair out in frustration.

Several other white boys vie for Anna’s heart. Anna remains blissfully unaware (♫ that’s what makes you beautiful ♫). Étienne (who is still dating Ellie, mind you) is unreasonably agitated by this.

Étienne’s mum has cancer btw, which excuses all the shitty things he does, because he’s just a poor, misunderstood boy.

Ellie dresses up as a, quote unquote, ‘slutty nurse’ for Hallowe’en, though- so it’s perfectly okay to dislike her (even though, in the first interaction she had with Anna, where Ellie meets Anna and Étienne, after Étienne takes Anna to the movies, Ellie is perfectly sweet).

Anna, however, is NOT a slut. Amanda is, though. And Rashmi’s cold. And Meredith’s desperate. And Emily’s a slut, too. And her friend Bridgette from Atlanta is a traitor. Anna has an intense case of internalized misogyny.

Anna’s friend Bridgette from Atlanta is screwing Toph, and Anna throws a fit.

Étienne and Anna have some more moments ™.

A truly chaotic series of events befall Anna. She somehow winds up dating Dave (one from the harem of white boys who likes her) to spite Étienne, she gets into a fight with Amanda, more drama ensues, there’s a hint for a spinoff, Étienne and her kiss, Meredith sees and feels betrayed… several misunderstandings and more bullshit later, Étienne and Anna wind up together, because true love conquers all.

Mes Réflexions:

(If the French is off, blame Google Translate.)

Usually, it takes me half a page of my notebook to scribble down my thoughts about the book I’m reading. This motherfucker took me almost an entire page.

Granted, a solid 30% of those notes are me throwing insults at Étienne, but still. ‘STOP STOP STOP YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU DICK’ counts, right?

(That was #17 in my notes, by the way.)

For the record, I like Stephanie Perkins’s writing. It’s not as over-the-top and unnecessarily introspective as Jenny Han’s in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, and the interactions between Anna and her classmates were natural and not the “How do you do, fellow kids?” style of Becky Albertalli’s Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda. The pacing is decent- I didn’t feel like it was too rushed; not the insta-love trope most YA romances unfortunately fall prey to.

And yet. AND YET.

Anna: “What’s your problem?” Amanda: “You.”

Same, Amanda, same.

Anna Oliphant is one of my least favorite leads in a book, ever. Étienne’s even shittier. And it’s not like Nick or Amy Dunne from Gone Girl, or any of the main characters from The Secret History, where readers pretty much unanimously hate them. You’re meant to relate to Anna, you’re meant to find Étienne charming and dreamy. I literally had to put the book away and calm myself down several times- especially in the last quarter of the book.

One of my main gripes with Anna is how… dumb she is. I guess Anna’s “Oopsies, silly me, I don’t know French!” is meant to be relatable to the readers. And some parts (like her not knowing how to order food because she can’t speak French) are plausible, but- sis, you didn’t know how to spell oui? And my idea of a cinematic masterpiece is Kung-Fu Panda, but even a dumbass like me knows that France is the film appreciation capital of the world. And yet Anna, a self-professed film freak, doesn’t?

Of course, Anna’s gorgeous, but she has no clue, because of course she doesn’t- even though she has multiple guys falling head over heels for her.

I’m in a short skirt. It’s the first time I’ve worn one here, but my birthday seems like the appropriate occasion. “Woo, Anna!” Rashmi fake-adjusts her glasses. “Why do you hide those things?”

Étienne is staring at my legs. The scales covering them throb under his intense gaze, and the pincers sticking out of my thighs start clicking rapidly in arousal. My hooves shiver in ecstasy.

… sorry, that’s not funny.

Her friends think Anna’s weird for wanting to write film reviews (which is the most contrived thing I’ve ever heard) instead of being the next Margot Robbie or whatever, but of course Étienne doesn’t and he thinks it’s not weird and cool and that Anna is such a special snowflake.

(Man, I sound like Amanda.)

And then we have this spiel by Anna about how she got into film critiquing (?), because we the readers need to know how special and #NotLikeOtherGirls Anna is.

To this, I say, “Piss off, you pretentious fuck.”

Of course, Anna’s a virgin and she’s never gotten drunk before or worn short skirts- she’s not a slut, she shaves below the knees only.

And would YA really be YA without several hearty helpings of internalized misogyny?

First up, we have the bimbo; the Barbie doll archetype whose only goal in life is acquiring the main guy (who is quite obviously uninterested in her), and making life hell for our protagonist. Amanda Whatsername (is she ever given a surname?) has this coveted role in Anna and the French Kiss. She’s blond (because of course she is); the first time we meet her, she’s in a, quote unquote, ‘teeny tank top’, and she also ‘positions herself for maximum cleavage exposure’. She’s always flipping her hair, getting her grubby paws on Étienne, giving Anna the stink-eye, being homophobic and a grade-A bitch.

Meredith goes batshit when Anna and Étienne kiss, and is very pouty and unhappy during prior Anna x Shittiene moments. Honey… he’s just not that into you. Rashmi’s the Ice Queen reincarnate and halfway to bitchdom. Anna doesn’t go as hard on them as she does on literally every other female her age in the book, though.

Rashmi looks at me for the first time, calculating whether or not I might fall in love with her own boyfriend.

Anna, hate to break it to you, but not everyone’s a possessive fucking weirdo.

About Cherrie, her ex-boyfriend Matt’s new girlfriend:

And maybe Cherrie isn’t as bad as I remember. Except she is. She totally is. After only five minutes in her company, I cannot fathom how Bridge stands sitting with her at lunch every day.

Her lifeless laugh is one of her lesser attributes. What does Matt see in her?

Even Bridgette, Anna’s best friend from Atlanta, isn’t immune to Anna’s anti-female propaganda. She’s screwing the guy Anna used to like, and Anna, the hypocrite, throws a huge fit.

For context: Bridgette and Toph are in a band called the Penny Dreadfuls (why is it with YA books and horrible band names? ‘Emoji’ from Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda was bad enough), and Anna + Matt + Cherrie go to a bowling alley to see them perform. After the performance, Toph announces that he’s sleeping with Bridge, and Anna confronts Bridge… onstage.

“… You’re welcome to move in when I leave again, because that’s what you want, right? My life?”

She shakes with fury. “Go to hell.”

“Take my life. You can have it. Just watch out for the part where my BEST FRIEND SCREWS ME OVER!” I knock over a cymbal stand, and the brass hits the stage with an earsplitting crash that reverberates through the bowling alley. Matt calls my name. Has he been calling it this entire time? He grabs my arm and leads me around the electrical cords and plugs and onto the floor and away, away, away.

Everyone in the bowling alley is staring at me.

I duck my head so my hair covers my face. I’m crying. This would have never happened if I hadn’t given Toph her number. All of those late-night practices and… he said they’ve had sex! What if they’ve had it at my house? Does he come over when she’s watching Seany? Do they go in the bedroom?

I’m going to be sick.

Give me a goddamn break.

Anna, about Ellie:

To my amazement, Ellie breaks into an ear-to-ear smile. Oddly enough, it’s this moment I realize that despite her husky voice and Parisian attire, she’s sort of… plain. But friendly-looking.

That still doesn’t mean I like her.

“Anna! From Atlanta, right? Where’d you guys go?”

She knows who I am? St. Clair describes our evening while I contemplate this strange development. Did he tell her about me? Or was it Meredith? I hope it was him, but even if it was, it’s not like he said anything she found threatening. She doesn’t seem alarmed that I’ve spent the last three hours in the company of her very attractive boyfriend. Alone.

[about Ellie’s Hallowe’en costume] Slutty nurse. I don’t believe it. Tiny white button-up dress, red crosses across the nipples. Cleavage city.

If I didn’t like Ellie before, it’s nothing compared to how I feel now. It doesn’t matter that I can count how many times we’ve met on one hand.

I fantasize about their break-up. How he could hurt her, and she could hurt him, and all of the ways I could hurt her back. I want to grab her Parisian-styled hair and yank it so hard it rips from her skull. I want to sink my claws into her eyeballs and scrape.

It turns out I am not a nice person.

YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY.

Emily Middlestone bends over to pick up a dropped eraser, and Mike Reynard leers at her breasts. Gross. Too bad for him she’s interested in his best friend, Dave. The eraser drop was deliberate, but Dave is oblivious.

One of the juniors, a girl with dark hair and tight jeans, stretches in a move designed to show off her belly button ring to Paul/Pete. Oh, please.

And I’m meant to like this character? I’m supposed to root for her?

I’m not saying every girl in the book should be perfectly sweet and friendly- that’s just not realistic. But when Anna has something judgmental to say about every other young female character… maybe she’s the problem.

In fact, the only girl I recall getting a pass is Isla Whatsername. And why do you think?

Brilliant.

And now we have the amalgamation of almost every fanfic boyfriend trope from 2014, Étienne St. Clair. Brown-eyed Harry Styles. I can’t fucking wait.

Étienne could’ve discovered the cure for cancer, or abolished poverty, or volunteered at animal shelters in his spare time. He could’ve been the most virtuous guy around (fret not; he decidedly isn’t). And I still wouldn’t’ve thought of him as the man of my dreams because HE HAS A BLOODY GIRLFRIEND.

I mean, which girl doesn’t want her boyfriend to say:

“I cheated on her every day. In my mind, I thought of you in ways I shouldn’t have, again and again.”

Fuckin’ smooth, bro.

“No matter what a terrible boyfriend I was, I wouldn’t actually cheat on her. But I thought you’d know.”

Such a gentleman!

“So you can keep dating Ellie, but I can’t even talk to Dave?”

Étienne looks shamed. He stares at his boots. “I’m sorry.”

I don’t even know what to do with his apology.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. And this time, he’s looking at me. Begging me. “And I know it’s not fair to ask you, but I need more time. To sort things out.”

And this gem:

“If you liked me so much, why didn’t you break up with her?”

“I’ve been confused. I’ve been so stupid.”

*me, banging pots and pans together* F U C K Y O U

“Ellie’s not like you, Anna; she’s a slut and a whore even though I’m the one who’s been thinking about another girl inappropriately and I’m the one who gets my knickers in a twist when another man glances in your direction because my masculinity is extremely fragile and I’m a total hypocrite and a dickhead.”

I mean, he didn’t actually say that, but that’s the gist.

WHILE DATING ELLIE: he gets Anna a book of sexual love poems, he calls her attractive (“Any bloke with a working prick would be insane not to like you.”) multiple times, he gets jealous whenever another guy so much as breathes in Anna’s direction and constantly interrupts such interactions, he’s been ditching his friends for his girlfriend but suddenly decides he prefers a new girl over said girlfriend, he thinks bread pudding tastes good- in conclusion, he is a Massive Fucking Prick. Though in hindsight, him and Anna deserve each other. They’re awful.

I had loads more notes taken down (Anna using Dave; “The important thing is this: Dave is available. St. Clair is not.”); the implication that cheating is okay because Ellie is bad or whatever, even though the sudden change in her character seems contrived because she was perfectly okay with Étienne and Anna hanging out before; how my blood boils whenever I read an American book and American girls are like “oOoOh AcCenT!!!1!!1!!”; me reading “DAVE SAYS YER A SLUTBAG” in Hagrid’s voice; the sheer atrocity of the name ‘Étienne St. Clair’ (sounds like a caricature of a French person)… but this ‘review’ is already pushing 3k and I can’t be fucked to expand on any of those points.

Verdict (which is apparently the same in French):

Who needs Christopher when Étienne St. Clair is in the world?

Speak for yourself.

#books #book review #anna and the french kiss #Stephanie Perkins #french #france #parisian #paris #YA #young adult #romance #teen fiction #bad books

12 notes · View notes

desperatelyseekingroleplay · 6 years

Text

Roleplay partners wanted!

My name is Rhys. I am 21 years old, she/her, from the CT, love the color magenta, and own two orange tabbies. I’m looking for partners in my conquest to write! While I can't get responses in every day, I am almost always open to chatter and geeking out about all sorts of things.

I write third person, past/present tense, and paragraph form. I'm a novella-ish writer, and do try to crank out at least four-six paragraphs each time I get a response in. Like previously mentioned, I want to stress that while I can't respond every day, everything I do write is full of TLC! I always want to mention this to partners beforehand, because I know some people would rather do rapid fire responses than one or two a week. My limits are pretty general; toilet stuff is a no-no. I don't like to write out top/bottom stereotypes or "seme/uke" tropes. Beastiality, pedophilia, and the like are icky things I would rather avoid.

I write for all genders, ethnicity, and orientations! I am open to any pairings, and beyond that, varying genres.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/18n3iuj4m9X1hBo9P2IezrKdTfkTrSKt0H34ZP6v3hHs

LIMITS

________

No unrealistic stereotypes of queer relationships, please. Yaoi, yuri, seme/uke, etc. Can't do that. Characters need to both have versatile roles; switching, so it's fair for everyone. Though, my characters do tend to be a lot more dominating!

{{Very welcoming of BDSM, dom/sub, but this does not mean someone needs to be penetrated every single time in order for the dom to dominate. Get it? This can also apply to heterosexual relationships. I would literally love to see female characters who top, if you know what I mean. If given the chance, I will definitely have dom!females in bdsm-related situations}}

Furries; blegh, no thanks. Beastiality, nekos, anything of sexual animal-related nature is a no-go, fam.

Vore, scat, bathroom stuff, pedophilia. You know the drill! ((I am not opposed to consensual, legal age and non-reproducing incestuous relationships in FICTION! Sex is fine, just no children resulting from it. Reminder; this is fictional.))

Okay, so despite those few limits, I am actually pretty welcoming of anything else. Smut, of course. Some kink a little out there that you want to suggest? Let's do it, dude. I am open to polyamorous relationships, any queer shit you're willing to throw at me lmao I am super OOC friendly and I am pretty much a garbled mess when I get to know you! I am open to crooked relationships, ones that don't function right, fluff and all cuteness, unconditional love-- my interests fluctuate! I am down, 24/7, guys! Here's a list of fandoms and pairings below.

_________

**=Craving

Borderlands

Handsome Jack/Rhys

Handsome Jack/Rhys/Nisha

Rhys/Axton

Handsome Jack/Nisha

Fiona/Athena

Fiona/Vaughn

Rhys/Vaughn

Until Dawn

Josh Washington/Chris

Chris/Mike

Jess/Mike

Sam/Beth

Matt/Jess

Emily/Matt/Jess

Life is Strange

Max Caulfield/Chloe Price

Max Caulfield/Kate Marsh/Victoria Chase

Nathan Prescott/Warren Graham

Rachel Amber/Chloe Price**

Rachel Amber/Frank Bowers

Frank Bowers/Damon Merrick**

Dick Grayson/Jason Todd**

Dick Grayson/Koriand'r

Dick Grayson/Slade Wilson

Dick Grayson/Wally West

Oliver Queen/Dinah Lance

Harley Quinn/Pamela Isley

Bruce Wayne/Clark Kent

Batman: Telltale Series

Bruce Wayne/John Doe**

Bruce Wayne/Selina Kyle

Bruce Wayne/Jim Gordon

Bruce Wayne/Harvey Dent

Bruce Wayne/Harvey Dent/Selina Kyle

Marvel

Steve Rogers/Tony Stark

Tony Stark/Bruce Banner

Bucky Barnes/Sam Wilson

Thor/Bruce Banner**

Clint Barton/Pietro Maximoff

Peter Parker/Harry Osborn

Peter Parker/Wade Wilson**

Gwen Stacy/Peter Parker/Harry Osborn

Peter Parker/Wade Wilson/Vanessa Carlysle

Uncharted

Nathan Drake/Samuel Drake**

Nathan Drake/Harry Flynn**

Chloe Frazer/Nadine Ross

Samuel Drake/Rafe Adler

Game of Thrones

Arya Stark/Gendry Waters

Sansa Stark/Margaery Tyrell

Daenerys Targaryen/Jon Snow

TTGOT

Asher Forrester/Gwyn Whitehill

Rodrik Forrester/Arthur Glenmore

Mira Forrester/Margaery Tyrell

Gryff Whitehill/Elaena Glenmore

Gared Tuttle/Finn

Gared Tuttle/Josera Snow

The Walking Dead

Rick Grimes/Shane Walsh

Rick Grimes/Negan**

Daryl Dixon/Paul “Jesus” Rovia

TWDG

Luke/Nick

Javier Garcia/David Garcia**

Clementine/Gabriel Garcia

Javier Garcia/Paul “Jesus” Rovia

The Mortal Instruments

Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago

Simon Lewis/Jace Lightwood

Isabelle Lightwood/Lydia Branwell

Alec Lightwood/Magnus Bane

Infamous: Second Son

Delsin Rowe/Reggie Rowe

Delsin Rowe/Eugene Sims

Delsin Rowe/Hank Daughtry

Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator

Anyone/your dadsona (for the love of god someone give me a good, not cliche john doe dadsona and you will win my heart!! I just want to play a dad lol bring me some great ass ocs)

Far Cry 3

Jason Brody/Vaas Montenegro

The Last of Us

Ellie/Riley

Some basic ideas that I do have pretty big doc ideas for;

A few marine biologists go to an island off the coast to study the marine life there, which in turn, turns out to be something much bigger. (Mermaid/siren prompt!)

Soul mates; it can be like some of those AU’s where you don’t see color until you meet them, your tattooed timer counts down until then, or maybe even soulmates continuously reincarnating and one of the two has killed them for centuries in order to be “immortal”. For the first time, the victimized partner gets close enough that the other begins to fall and they start aging, together.

Character A has an awful time living in the city; alone, and without mom's guidance, completely lost. One day they receive a call about a deceased relative, one they'd never heard of and apparently left their estate and everything in their will to A. With nothing but the clothes on their back, A took a shot and drove out to this presumed "estate", only to find that it's a mansion in a tiny little town with an eerie vibe and populated by the typical small town churchgoers and farm folk. Living in this town was a hell of a challenge; everyone was nice, too nice, and people were missing. Character B is an exceptionally charismatic, charming person and the only mechanic/handyman in town. A and B become friends, partially, when A needs to fix up the piping in their estate. A stumbles upon the attic one day, and for once, they start to get why this whole town reeked to the roots in weird shit-- their deceased relative was tracking something here in this town, having to do with all of the MIA townsfolk. DR has a board of possible suspects, and at the center? B. OSJFODSFHSDJSODFJD!!! Bonus content: B is, in fact, not the murderer, instead a vampire on a mission to track down the monster, same as DR. small towns give me honey moon vibes and I??? am so down for some kinky, albeit eventually fluffy romance between people who are trying to make it work. I actually have a doc for both TBD characters and a location. None of this is set in stone, so please share your thoughts.

A doesn’t have any memories of their life, only being conscious and staring down at a mutilated body in a ditch. When they meet B, they learn why; welcome to limbo, they say. You just died. A has unfinished business; finding out who murdered them, why, and what else is holding them here. B is a reaper intent on helping lost souls pass over-- they were never born, and A shows them the delights of life before it’s taken. B learns to love A, and A doesn’t want to leave limbo. While A’s soul is clinging between realities, B must make a pivotal decision; squeezing tight on the concept of love, and letting A go. (BONUS!! REINCARNATION; A & B ARE GIVEN THE GIFT OF LIVING AGAIN, TOGETHER.)

Coming of age story between two childhood friends who are separated by circumstance, and after ten years, reunite and learn that your first love doesn’t have to be the one that got away.

Two friends drop their whole lives to go on a road trip once they turn thirty-- they elope together, leaving their unhappy lives behind them and in this grand scheme of mental breakdowns and tearful smiles, they find that love may be the only cure to a broken existence.

In a post-apocalyptic world where a pandemic has killed off most living species, Character A is a lone wolf with little to do with other people that don't benefit him, except for a select few. A is especially rough around the edges, as he's lived through some sick shit and lived to tell the tale. A had once been part of a group dedicated to finding a cure, but things went south, and a lot of people died. A had a close bond with the leader of said group, and coincidentally they were the only survivors. Their past together, having been deeply demented and twisted, caused them to fall out. Said leader has rebuilt a new group in the ten years since the last time they'd seen A. Character B is the only known immune person alive, and has dedicated their life to being a resource to finding a cure. A and his (current) contact/partner in crime have something taken from them, and are determined to get it back. They do some searching, and are confronted with this group-- they have what they need, but are only willing to give it to them for a favor in return. No one can outrun their past forever. (Last of Us-inspired!)

An architect/treasure hunter is being funded an expedition to find a lost treasure and they are forced to bring along a reporter in order to receive the funds. the reporter and architect certainly don't get along in the beginning— they bicker, and clash on most fronts. the expedition wasn't meant to be dangerous. what was initially thought to be a simple job turned into something treacherous; bandits, a team of hired hitmen and their leader looking to take the treasure for themselves, and some rather supernatural elements that they both couldn't quite put a finger on. the treasure hunter and the reporter have to work together to get out of this alive, and get to the artifact before someone else does.

..and many more!! Thanks so much! If you've read through, please contact me at [email protected] and mention kiwi somewhere in your email. n_n

Rhys xoxo

#Writing Partner Wanted #Roleplay Partner Ad #Long Term Roleplay Wanted #21+ Roleplay Wanted #submission

5 notes · View notes

eichy815 · 5 years

Text

‘Big Brother’ Is Being Watched By Us! – Part 2

CONTINUED FROM PART 1

Season 2 (where the game’s format itself was retooled and reimagined) featured the sassy Monica Bailey, a Brooklyn candy store manager who tragically lost her cousin in the 9/11 attacks (which took place during the tail-end of Season 2). Her best friend in the house, Krista Stegall, was a charming country girl (although housemate Kent Blackwelder constantly made references to Stegall’s alleged “Nyquil addiction”) – she and Bailey were jointly targeted in Week 6 as a “Power of Two.” Bailey ended up coming in third place, and really should have been selected by producers for re-entry into the house during Big Brother All-Stars (she would have been far more entertaining than the reincarnated “Chilltown” duo).

Speaking of Chilltown, though, I have to give mad props to Will Kirby (aka “Evil Dr. Will”), universally regarded as the best Big Brother winner to ever play the game. Despite being put up on the block for eviction every week, Kirby managed to repeatedly squirm out of danger using a combination of psychological mind games and bouncy charm. Everyone kept underestimating “Evil Dr. Will” as a jury “non-threat” – and he went all the way to the end with Nicole Nilson Schaffrich, ultimately defeating her in a 5-2 vote.

Nilson Schaffrich, who (along with Hill) was a sworn enemy of Kirby and “Chilltown,” also became a favorite of mine. Initially, she came on really strong to her housemates as she attempted to fit in as this zany, spontaneous, chatterbox of a “fun girl.” But after the game’s first-ever HoH, Malin, nominated her for eviction in Week 1, Nilson Schaffrich morphed into a depressing, negative, confrontational, bitchy cloud of gloom-and-doom (she also had OCD when it came to cleaning, and deeply missed her husband, Jeff). Will and Nicole developed a classic love/hate relationship – where Nicole would constantly threaten and berate Dr. Will, while he simply laughed it off and continued playing the role of “class clown.”

I could relate to Nicole – which is why I think I enjoyed her, even though she was a total darkened contrast to Monica, Krista, and Dr. Will in terms of personality. The epitome of Will and Nicole’s rivalry was when, during a competition, the producers asked houseguests to craft little puppet-style dolls in their own likenesses; Nicole refused to do it, and so Will energetically volunteered to create Nicole’s doll for her – he proceeded to draw/paint a skimpy bikini onto the doll’s fabric, and then mocked Nicole in the Diary Roll while making the Nicole-doll “talk.”

Despite the bad casting of Season 3, I did enjoy another unlikely alliance formed: that of Jason Guy, a born-again Christian videographer in his mid-twenties, and Danielle Reyes, a mouthy and brassy media buyer (and mom to two daughters). Their alliance went largely unnoticed by other houseguests (except for the season’s eventual winner, Lisa Donahue). Although I’m usually not a fan of born-again Christians, Jason was just an all-around nice guy and good person; meanwhile, Danielle made me laugh and kept me entertained with her colorful, verbose, and cocky Diary Room confessionals. Once that season’s evicted houseguests went home and watched Danielle’s sessions in the Diary Room, they viewed her as entitled and pompous...which was largely why she lost the jury vote to Lisa. This was ultimately why, beginning with Season 4, Big Brother producers shrunk the size of the jury while keeping jury members sequestered in a plush Jury House (so they wouldn’t be swayed by what was said in the finalists’ Diary Room confessionals).

Season 4 had David Lane, a former Army ranger who was evicted early in the game (Week 3) but was a likable dude very much in the mold of Jason Guy. That season’s winner, Jun Song, shepherded the “floater” strategy (alongside the even-more-reviled Alison Irwin, with whom she went to the Final Two) while having the house wrapped around her fingertips as she played the simultaneous roles of “house chef,” “chic chubby girl,” and “firebrand comic relief.” Song even earned the vote of her ex-boyfriend, Jee Choe, on that season’s jury.

Pilates instructor Erika Landin, who would later return for Big Brother: All-Stars (where she placed second to Malin, after entering an ill-conceived “showmance” with him) was competitive-yet-boring, but I enjoyed her if only for her gaudy pink hat that she was forced to destroy during a wardrobe-burning competition. Irwin’s ex-boyfriend, Justin Giovinco, was the leader of the Three Stooges Alliance (consisting of him, Jee, and Erika’s ex-boyfriend, Robert Roman). Giovinco had the most charisma and best leadership skills of the “Three Stooges” (which is probably why the rest of the house targeted him before Jee and Robert)...plus he looked great with his clothes off!

The standout of Big Brother 5, by far, was Nakomis Dedmon, a Goth-like Texas hostess whose chill-but-assertive gameplay got her all the way to the Final Four. Nakomis helped to conceive and execute the first “backdooring” strategy (evicting someone by NOT initially putting them on the block, and waiting to nominate them until after the Power of Veto has been used). Her in-house reunion (which had been secretly orchestrated by the producers) with long-lost brother Michael Ellis (aka Cowboy) was rather poignant...even though they ended up at odds with each other, and ultimately, estranged. When she returned for Big Brother: All-Stars, Dedmon was the second houseguest evicted due to her reputation from Season 5 as a strategic threat.

I also enjoyed Will Wikle, a gay R.N. who was a part of the Pinky Swear Alliance put together by Nakomis. His strategy wasn’t that great, but Wikle was carefree, outgoing, and had a fantastic body. Drew Daniel, the winner of that season, was both sexy and humble...and, really, the only redeeming member of the Four Horsemen Alliance. Sadly, in the years since, Drew has followed the paths of Jasinski and McDonald, being tasered by police when resisting arrest after having domestic violence charged filed against him.

Marvin Latimer, Season 5’s resident house chef, was a South Carolina mortician who shared tentative partial-alliances with both the Four Horsemen and Pinky Swear Alliances. His “floater” strategy got him eliminated mid-game, but he brought a lot of high energy and many entertaining quips to his time on the program. Latimer now hosts a YouTube broadcast known as “The Marvin Show.”

In spite of her creepy and pathological obsession with Cappy, Season 6 runner-up Ivette Corredero was someone who I actually found endearing with her outspokenness and fiery Latina personality. I thought Janelle Pierzina was amusing in blending her “ditzy blonde” demeanor with fierceness in winning competitions, and I can understand why she became a “fan favorite.” Howie Gordon was a loud, overbearing train wreck – but I have to give him points for being amusing to watch...mostly due to his obsession with “boobies,” his sexually-unbridled banter, and the fact that he made life miserable for Lewis (coining the nickname “Busto” for her).

Big Brother All-Stars was so disappointing that I will skip over most of it. I just couldn’t get past Malin’s atrocious presence (for which Rosie O’Donnell later called him out, on The View). One of the few highlights was when Nilson Schaffrich, Song, and Latimer returned as guest co-hosts for a food competition (since they each had histories of cooking extensively for their respective housemates).

My favorites from Season 8 were Kail’s onetime alliance mates in the short-lived Mrs. Robinson Alliance. With Kail being the middle-aged mother figure in the house that season, she initially aligned herself with three young guys: Mike Dutz, a contractor/model who got himself evicted by targeting Evel Dick; Nick Starcevic, a former college football player remembered for entering a “showmance” with Evel Dick’s estranged daughter, Daniele, who was paired with her father as part of that season’s “Nemesis” twist; and Zach Swerdzekski, a dimwitted-but-likable graphic designer who had a penchant for self-deprecating nudity. Out of all of them, only Swerdzewski made it deep into the game (placing third to both of the Donatos).

Even amid the trash heap that was Big Brother 9, there were a few decent houseguests: TMZ reporter Parker Somerville, who was shafted by the season’s “Soulmates” twist; Alex Coladonato, a charismatic Staten Island DJ, who, much like Somerville, was voted out early due to the twist; and James Zinkand (aka “Crazy James”), who went on to become the “fan favorite” due to his garishly-dyed hair and adventurous personality.

Season 10 marked a resurgence in quality for Big Brother. There were more twists, better casting, and heightened drama. Brian Hart was the handsome and charismatic techno-entrepreneur who had the distinction of being the first one voted out, due to houseguests’ perception of him as a Nakomis-like strategic threat. Despite her perverse friendship with Jerry/Ollie/April, I found Michelle Costa to be saucy and spirited...and I wish she would have lasted longer.

Then there were the season’s two Dynamic Duos: Keesha Smith, the outspoken sweetheart who bonded with the baudy and lovably loud Renny Martyn (a hairdresser from New Orleans, who always sported garish outfits amid a spicy tongue with which she lashed out at household troublemakers).

However, Season 10’s winner, Dan Gheesling, and runner-up, “mixologist” Memphis Garrett, formed the memorable Renegades Alliance. Gheesling perfected an under-the-radar strategy by being down-to-earth and endearing, staying out of all the boisterous drama of the house...basically laying around and reading (especially his Bible) while everyone else shouted each other down. He defeated Memphis in the show’s first unanimous jury vote once they cruised into the Final Two together. Gheesling’s Diary Room confessionals – where he borderline-shouted his observations, probably as a consequence of being a high school football coach – were priceless.

Season 11: this was the season that marked a turning-point for the power of “showmances” in the house. “Fan favorite” Jeff Schroeder (single-handedly responsible for getting Jessie evicted via the “Coup d’Etat” twist) and Jordan Lloyd formed one of the show’s most memorable and enduring “showmances.” Jeff fell on his sword by overplaying, midgame; but Jordan was rewarded with the half-million dollar prize by taking the much-hated Natalie Martinez with her to the Final Two. And, to this day, the relationship between “Jordeff” remains solid.

Other likable contestants that season were brainy scientist Michele Noonan, who tried to play a low-key game but was later forced to embrace her role as a “quiet devil;” Kevin Campbell, the gay graphic designer who aligned with Jessie’s allies while keeping his distance from Jessie himself; and Casey Turner, a fortysomething married father and DJ who was just plain fun and chill.

In spite of the disappointment that was Big Brother 12, I have to give major props to that season’s winner, Hayden Moss – jovial, loyal, humane, free-spirited, uninhibited, and competitive. It’s not surprising that Moss went on to compete in Survivor: Blood vs. Water (where he placed seventh) – the first Big Brother contestant to do so. Pharmaceutical rep Britney Godwin was also hilarious in her Diary Room confessionals, and Reilly’s “showmance” partner Brendon Villegas was overall a really good (and hot!) guy, despite being utterly clueless.

Out of the newbies in Season 13, Dominic Briones (who would later go on to marry housemate Daniele Donato in real-life) was a convivial and boisterous dude who was evicted way too early (due to Schroeder’s bullying). Likewise with Cassi Colvin, a bold and candid young woman evicted right after Briones (due to Reilly’s bullying). And, although she was evicted during the jury phase, Daniele was given a much greater opportunity to shine this season compared to four years earlier when she’d played second banana to her father.

Season 14 was when Big Brother began to get really good. The “Coaches” twist (and especially the returns of Gheesling and Godwin) featured some of the most eclectic newbies in years. Among them: Frank Eudy (son of professional wrestler Sid Vicious), a mop-headed competition beast whom Malin adopted as the newest member of “Chilltown;” JoJo Spatafora, a cheeky Staten Island bartender who, much like Somerville, Hart, Briones, and Colvin in seasons before hers, was evicted way too early; Jenn Arroyo (known affectionately by housemates as “JennCity”), a lesbian heavy-metal rocker; Shane Meaney, a hunky Vermont house-flipper who also dominated the physical competitions; and, of course, the lovable Ian Terry, a nerdy-but-shrewd Tulane graduate (and eventual winner of Season 14) who, as a lifelong fan of Big Brother, memorably blindsided Malin – his own former “coach” prior to the reset.

Just last summer, even amongst the “racists and fools” of Season 15 were some gems: McCrae Olson, the pizza delivery guy who formed a “showmance” with house bully Amanda Zuckerman; David Girton, a studly lifeguard who was the first one evicted (after forming a “showmance” with house racist Aaryn Gries) that summer; and the season’s “housemother,” Chicago political consultant Helen Kim.

Unfortunately, the season’s winner and runner-up, Andy Herron (Big Brother’s first openly-gay winner) and GinaMarie Zimmerman, also displayed much bigotry and depravity...which was witnessed by those watching the live feeds, but didn’t make it into their television edits (which, because they were so favorable, caused me to really like them both). Also, GinaMarie developed an obsessively-entertaining infatuation with houseguest Nick Uhas (the second player evicted), a cute-and-hilarious pro skater who, like so many others before him, went out way too early.

As I write the above recollections from the past fourteen years, it only reinforces to me how Big Brother is a microcosm of our flawed society. Sometimes people get rewarded for bullying or idiocy, and sometimes they get called out on it. Sometimes entertaining and sociable people make it far in life, but other times they’re stymied by those who view them as “a threat.”

This is probably why I find myself getting wrapped up in who stays and who goes, as I watch, every summer. When I love a houseguest, I want her or him to make it far in the game – because it’s like spending an hour a week with a good friend. By contrast, if I loathe a houseguest, I want him or her to be evicted (and to see them humiliated based on their negative antics) because that’s one less week I have to endure them on my TV screen.

And, of course, there are always the “train wrecks” – houseguests whom I enjoy watching solely for entertainment value, even though I can’t take them seriously as a contestant (and, in reality, they have no decent shot at actually winning). Often times, these overwrought players will function as “tokens” who create hilarity and chaos in the house (giving my favorites more of a chance to go farther in the game).

Just some of the most hilarious memories from Big Brother history...

Identical twins Adria Klein and Natalie Carroll revealing the “Twin Twist” to their Season 5 housemates, as they’d been switching clothing and spots in the house for weeks at that point.

Newly-minted HoH Pierzina chanting “Bye, Bye, Bitches!” after putting up two members of The Nerd Herd (Ausburn and Vasquez) on the block.

Stein revealing he was secretly “America’s Player” during the Big Brother 8 finale.

All the drama caused by the Season 10 houseguests on Keesha’s birthday...which was all instigated, of course, by Jessie. It culminated in the houseguests serenading Keesha with a half-hearted version of “Happy Birthday” – after which, the fighting picked right back up (again, no thanks to Jessie!).

Jeff using the Coup d’Etat, which led to Jessie’s eviction.

Kevin becoming exasperated when Natalie, Lydia, and Chima basically formed a “mini-cult” venerating Jessie in the aftermath of his eviction (which was eerily similar to the “Cult of Cappy” perpetuated by “The Nerd Herd” in Season 6).

The “wild child” and much-tattooed houseguest, Lydia Tavera, having an epic meltdown after her ally, Jessie, was evicted.

Julie Chen interviewing Malin, Reyes, Pierzina, and Evel Dick about their views on Season 11 (watch for the moment when, after Malin partially defends Chima’s state-of-mind which led to her expulsion, Evel Dick tells Malin that he “should jump off a bridge”).

Britney calling out Malin, after he stopped ignoring her, six days into the “Coaches’ Season” (Big Brother 14).

Malin watching his “goodbye videos” after his blindside eviction...and learning that Ian had a large hand in his demise.

Gheesling orchestrating his own “funeral” (after emerging from a solitary confinement punishment) in order to get himself off the nomination block.

So far this season, I have my least favorites. Two of them have already been evicted: Devin Shepherd, a mashup of Godderz and Littman (with a little bit of Kass McQuillen, from Survivor: Cagayan, thrown in), whose strategy and logic were completely nonexistent during his three weeks in the house; and Paola Shea (known as “Pao-Pao”), a walking caricature of the “deceitful Filipina” stereotype...who, based on her individual behavior, was just plain annoying.

Then we have Donny Thompson, the kind-hearted Duck Dynasty reject who is clearly designed to be Cowboy 2.0 (although he’s a lot smarter than Cowboy – not that that’s saying much). Caleb Reynolds is a young redneck whose romantic obsession with housemate Amber Borzotra borders on pathological, rivaling that which GinaMarie had toward Nick last season (or that which Natalie Cunial had toward Matty in Season 9). And there’s Victoria Rafaeli, a complete waste of space due to her utter pointlessness (could she become the next April Lewis or Adam Poch?)...obviously, her audition for Shahs of Sunset didn’t work out.

Who do I like this season? Along with Amber, I’m really digging Tucson barista Christine Brecht (and her “chickmance” with fellow geeky housemate Nicole Franzel). Hayden Voss (one syllable away from the namesake of Season 12’s winner) is a super-cool surfer-like dude who doesn’t actually surf (he drives a PediCab in Long Beach). Palm Beach economics graduate Zach Rance and sales account executive Cody Calafiore would totally be my “bromance” partners, if I was in the house.

And I want Frankie Grande (the real-life brother of pop music superstar Ariana Grande) as my husband!

This season, Grodner has introduced the “Team America” twist, where America voted for three houseguests (Donny, Frankie, and Rhode Island cop Derrick Levasseur) to perform acts of sabotage all season long; each member of Team America will be awarded $5,000 for every mission they successfully complete.

Also, every week TWO Heads of Household are crowded, and each of them nominates two houseguests for eviction. Then, the four nominees compete in the “Battle of the Block,” where the victorious pair automatically comes off the chopping block and overthrows the HoH who nominated them.

So what twists would I add to the Big Brother House? How about a season where we return to there being only one HoH each week – and he or she has the choice to nominate two, three, or as many as four individual houseguests for eviction. If four different houseguests are nominated for eviction, there would be two Power of Veto winners in the veto competition; and if one or both of those veto-holders chooses to leave the nominations intact, then one or two of the nominees would automatically come off the block based on an online vote (the result would still be the same: only two houseguests remain on the chopping block when it’s time to vote for eviction).

But why would an HoH nominate more than two people? Isn’t that just extra blood they’d be getting on their hands (pissing more people off)? Maybe – but, alternately, it could be a good strategy for targeting a large alliance, for taking out one of many multiple threats (strategic or physical), or for trying to get a “floater” evicted by stacking the chopping block with several covert allies.

I also would switch up the “Haves/Have-Not’s” competition (including the food reward and penalties) each week. First, while putting the losers on “slop” was entertaining during the first few seasons when it was used as a punishment, it’s gotten old. I still think there should a be “food restriction” for losers, but it should become a bit more creative than merely placing the losing team on “slop” and two bizarre items.

What I would do is turn it into a three-team competition where three separate groups of houseguests compete to become either the “Haves,” “Could-Haves,” and “Have-Nots” each week. Additionally, during weeks when the number of competing houseguests isn’t equally divisible by three, the statuses of “Haves,” “Could Haves,” and “Have-Nots” would be assigned via a collective house competition (everyone other than the HOH receives the same status, depending on how they do), or perhaps dispersed on the whims of a reward competition winner, or maybe even be based on failure to meet an endurance standard in a timed competition.

Under my blueprint:

Haves would receive: an unlimited gourmet food selection (compiled from a lengthy grocery list of their choosing), unlimited access to all of the Big Brother House’s amenities, and even some luxurious theme parties (which the “Could-Haves” and “Have-Nots” would be unable to attend).

Could-Haves (most likely, the runners-up in the competition) would receive: basic food rations (including, but not limited to, peanut-butter-and-jelly) that fall into every category on the food pyramid, standard house privileges (including hot showers and comfortable beds), but zero access to “special events” (with the exception of things specifically approved by producers, such as celebrating a houseguest’s birthday).

Have-Nots would receive: a very limited selection of approximately one dozen “bizarre” foods that are voted on by America, cold showers (producers turn off the showers’ hot water when a Have-Not is preparing to shower), and horrible sleeping conditions.

These “bizarre” foods (assigned to the “Have-Nots”) would be items that fans could vote on through the CBS website each week. The top twelve foods (voted on by America) would be the only edibles (aside from water and condiments) which the “Have-Nots” may consume during that week. These “culinary delights” could include morsels such as escargot (snails), tofu, mole, seaweed, pickled peppers, sea cucumber, whelk (sea snail), squid, octopus, sea urchin, frog legs, ostrich, kumis, fava beans, chicken hearts, kielbasa, reindeer, salo (pork belly), head cheese, jellied eels, herring, conch meat, duck livers, mussels, fish maw, Spam musubi, lutefisk, roti (Indian wholemeal bread), fresh durian, salak, ube (purple yam), wheatgrass, flax, nettles, etc.

Also, “slop” would still be available for the “Have-Nots” to exclusively consume – but only on a voluntary basis. So why would any contestant voluntarily agree to eat that rancid stuff? For every full bowl (16 ounces) of “slop” that a “Have-Not” is able to successfully consume during their “Week of Hell,” that contestant receives $1,000 (per bowl).

There are countless twists they could add...and, most certainly, countless seasons of Big Brother ahead of us.

As you can see, based on how long this article has run, my addiction to Big Brother is one that I’m not going to kick anytime soon.

0 notes