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mycurrent-hyperfixation · 2 years

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Take A Chance On Me - Chapter One (Eddie Munson x Reader Series)

Series Summary: Corroded Coffin is lacking only one thing that could help them win the upcoming Battle of the Bands; original songs. So when a new band comes to town with a lead singer that looks all too familiar and a repertoire of original songs up their sleeves, Dustin concocts a plan that will get you to spill of your songwriting secrets to Eddie. It’s just a few dates, right?

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Word Count: 4.5K

Pairings: Eddie Munson x Reader, Eddie Munson x fem!Reader

Tags: fluff, 10 Things I Hate About You AU

A/N: First of all, I just wanted to thank everyone that’s supported my work so far. This post was going to celebrate reaching 500 followers but in the time it’s taken me to edit we’re barrelling towards 600. Also, just want to say that I love and appreciate all of your comments! I would love to respond to each and every one of them but I don’t since Tumblr doesn’t allow me to comment from my secondary account and I don’t want it to look like it’s someone else that’s commenting. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I love each and every one of you and I hope you enjoy this series. I’m planning for it to be about 10 chapters but knowing me I’ll probs go over that.

The first time that Eddie Munson saw you he was quite certain that his soul left his body. 

It was during his senior year—his first one that is—and the interaction had been so painstakingly mundane that he couldn’t quite help but wonder why the memory still remained so clear within his mind. The day had been sunny, the wide expanse of sky unobstructed by clouds so that the heat had been quite relentless as it beat down across Indiana. You had been walking down the hallway, a stack of books held tightly to your chest with a bag slung across one shoulder. A smile—like it almost always was—was placed gently across your lips, framed delicately by stray pieces of your hair that had fallen from where you had tied it up. You had been wearing a dress, something with flowers on it if Eddie remembered correctly that seemed to compliment your smiling disposition so perfectly.  

He had felt you before he saw you. Partly because your presence was practically electrifying but mostly because you had accidentally bumped into him, your shoulder crashing against his arm as you had been passing in the hallway. It hadn’t hurt, not really, and yet Eddie had scowled anyway. But then as he had turned towards you, your eyes flickering up to his for just a moment as you were pulled from your conversation, he found whatever words he had been about to utter die upon his lips. 

“Oh, sorry,” you quickly said before continuing on your way. 

Eddie, for once in his life, had been left speechless.

He had stared at you as you had traversed the rest of the hallway, knowing quite well that he was being weird and yet finding himself incapable of stopping. His arm had continued to tingle for the remainder of the day and it oddly brought a smile to his features at the feeling of it.

The second time Eddie saw you—this time sitting within the cafeteria as you chatted idly with a girl beside you—elicited a similar reaction. And it had continued to do so with every subsequent sighting of you. But once Eddie had seen you it was like he couldn’t stop seeing you; a blur as you rushed down the hall, a fleeting image of you leaving the cafeteria. And even after you had graduated and left Eddie behind without ever having uttered another word to him after that day in hallway, Eddie could swear he could still smell the intoxicating scent of your perfume when he was browsing in his favourite record store or dropping off some tapes at Family Video.

The most recent of Eddie’s out of body experiences occurred on a Friday night. And just like every other Friday night in Hawkins, Eddie was bored. It was raining—because of course it just had to be raining—so that thick sheets of water pelted against the roof of the trailer, drowning out the music that Eddie kept having to turn up. A trail of smoke drifted lazily from his mouth, dissipating in the air above him.    

“This blows man,” Gareth said from beside him. 

“You blow,” Eddie replied.   

“We should go and do something,” Gareth continued, unperturbed. “I hear there’s a new band playing at the Hideout tonight.”   

“A new band and they’ve managed to score a spot on the Friday night set list?” Eddie furrowed his brows. “Who are they? Metallica?”  

“Who cares who they are?” Jeff said. “At least it’ll give us something to do.”   

“Who cares who they are?” Eddie responded, his voice now serious as he leaned forwards on the couch. “Might I remind you, Jeffy-Boy, that we are a mere two weeks away from the Battle of the Bands and now there is suddenly a new band in town.”   

“W-we could,” Mike began from the corner. “We could go and check them out to scope out the competition.”   

“Like a reconnaissance mission!” Dustin added enthusiastically.   

Eddie squinted at the two boys before taking a long draw of his cigarette.   

 “I like your thinking, Wheeler. I knew your bass skills weren’t all that I kept you around for!”   

Eddie jumped up from the couch and slapped Mike across the back, causing the boy to lurch forward from the force. Mike winced, bringing his hand up at rub at his shoulder.

Eddie, now with a wide smile upon his face, turned to stand before the rest of the group, cigarette hanging lazily from his lips. As he looked upon them his smile turned into a devilish grin.   

“To the van!” Eddie announced before leaping towards the door without a backwards glance, stubbing out his cigarette in an ashtray before collecting his keys as he went. The rest of the boys turned to each other briefly, a shared look of regret passing between them before they eventually followed.  

The Hideout was busier than Eddie had ever seen it, the parking lot so full that they had to circle it twice before finding a spot.    

“This is ridiculous,” Gareth said. “Who are these guys?”   

“Whoever they are, it looks like we have some real competition on our hands,” Jeff responded as the line for the door came into view; a line that extended well into the parking lot. On any other night, Eddie would not have had the patience to wait in such a line. But now, with his interest most certainly piqued, he was determined to get inside. So they each piled from the car, the chill of the night greeting them instantly as they begrudgingly joined the queue.

Eddie was well aware that his face had at some point morphed into a scowl. But in that moment he seemed incapable of ridding his features of it, nor did he particularly feel like doing so. It was cold, it was wet, and a slight sprinkle of rain had begun descending around them which was most likely only going to weigh Eddie’s hair down. With a sigh, he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket as he watched Mike and Dustin bounce around to keep warm.  

But even once they had managed to get inside, Eddie’s scowl still remained. For the throng of people was so dense and so compact that at first none of them could see much into the venue anyway. The shouts and the cheers coming from the crowd were so overwhelming and so annoyingly deafening that at first Eddie could barely hear what was being played. He considered for just a moment the possibility of simply turning right back around and leaving. But then the crowd slowly started to dissipate and he found his feet moving forwards of their own volition.

“Is that...” Jeff began.   

“ABBA?!” Gareth finished. “And sung by...”   

“Girls,” Mike and Dustin said in unison.   

And then all at once it was like the crowd seemed to part so that Eddie had an unobstructed view of you on the stage. You had your eyes closed as you sung, the blinding lights somehow glowing against your skin. Your head nodded slightly along with the beat, your fingers working effortlessly over the strings of the electric guitar in your hands. And even though it had been years since he had seen you, even though he was starting to forget the smell of your perfume or the way you looked at him that day in the hallway, Eddie still felt his soul leave him for just a moment, maybe ascending upwards so that it had a better view of you upon the stage.

“Is that…?” Mike asked Dustin.  

“I think so,” Dustin responded. And although Eddie could hear them he couldn’t quite bring himself to care what they were talking about.  

Because then your eyes opened and they fixed immediately onto Eddie’s.   

“Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight. Won’t somebody help me chase the shadows away,” you sung, offering Eddie a small smile that had his breath hitching in his throat.    

“They’re kinda good!” he heard Mike yell over the crowd.   

“Like, really good,” Dustin added, but Eddie barely heard him, his concentration unable to move from you. You flicked your head back slightly in an attempt to get the hair out of your face, and Eddie so wished he could reach out and brush it away for you. Your skin seemed to glow under the blaring lights, a light sheen of red covering your cheeks that was undoubtedly a product of the heat in the room.

After what felt like a lifetime, you tore your gaze away from Eddie’s to glance down at your guitar, an action Eddie was wholeheartedly grateful for, because in that moment he found himself suddenly able to breathe again.

He watched on enraptured as your fingers ghosted over each string fluidly. And although the sight of your masterful playing stirred something within him, it was your smile that he seemed incapable of looking away from. You smiled out towards the crowd; you smiled back towards your bandmates; you smiled at seemingly nothing at all. And with each one Eddie became transfixed by the curve of your lips and the shine in your eyes so that only moments after he had gotten his breath back it was leaving him once more.

There were three other girls on stage, Eddie finally registered only after you had turned back to look at them a multitude of times, each of them consumed in their own instruments. The girl closest to you looked exceptionally familiar, her short hair hanging slightly messy around her face as she swayed to the beat, another electric guitar in her grasp. The girl on drums had red hair, her whole body moving along with each movement of her sticks. The girl on bass had dark skin and quite the unemotional face as she played, her body practically rigid as her fingers strummed each string.    

But then you were turning back around and Eddie found himself quite unable to register anything else in the room. Not the crowd of people around him, not the children that were technically under his care. For him, in that moment, there was simply you. 

“Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight. Take me through the darkness to the break of day,” you sung, finishing the last few notes of the song.

Eddie had never enjoyed ABBA. Although he had, in truth, never actually listened to them. They were no Ozzy Osburne, no Dio, after all. But for just a second in that moment as the song came to an end, Eddie wished that he could hear more, if only you would sing it.   

The crowd erupted into cheers as you smiled back widely, joining in on the applause as you turned around to face your bandmates.    

“Thank you, thank you,” you said into the microphone as the crowd began to die down. “Unfortunately, the night is nearing its end.” An eruption of ‘boos’ filled the room. “I know, I know, but everything good must come to an end. But we have a little surprise for you guys tonight before we finish!”   

The crowd cheered again and you waited patiently for it to die down before continuing.   

“You guys liked our original song so much last week that we’ve written a new one for you!”   

This time the crowd’s cheers were so deafening that Eddie had the urge to cover his ears.   

“This one’s called Let Me Down Easy.”   

The girl on the drums lifted her sticks above her head and tapped them together four times. In unison, each instrument came alive, as you looked back at each girl and they looked towards each other, your lips mirroring each other's smiles. You turned back around, brushing your lips up to the microphone.

“You want someone who wants you for who you are.

I want someone to try and let me down easy, easy tonight.”   

Eddie’s eyes went wide at the sound of your voice this time; for although he had heard it only moments before, something felt different about this rendition. It was almost as if now, singing your own lyrics and playing your own chords, something had been renewed within you. It was practically electrifying, so much so that Eddie couldn’t quite seem to help himself as he began to bop his head along with the beat. Your eyes closed again as you became absorbed in the song, your body moving to the music so that your hair swayed slightly around you. A smile was seemingly plastered to your face as you sang, a smile so soft and so genuine that Eddie found he couldn’t tear his eyes away from it.   

When your eyes reopened, Eddie found himself momentarily unable to breath at the pure electricity that seemed to fill the room. 

“Honey it’s no secret that with matters of the heart

I’m reserved, I’m irrational and rarely ever start.” 

Eddie felt something stir within him; something that told him that he should listen carefully, something that told him that your heart was buried within those words and he would have to dig if he wanted even a piece of it. He hung on to every word, to every strum of your guitar, with rapt attention.

And then you were dancing, your hands moving effortlessly over the strings in your hands as you turned to look at your band mates once more, singing to them instead as you forgot the crowd. You were consumed in the music, consumed in the story, your hair moving around you as you danced. You turned back around, your eyes finding his once more.

“You want someone to want you for who are you.”

Eddie held his breath, quite certain in that moment that you could see right through him.

“I want someone to let me down easy, easy tonight.”

As your fingers washed over the last few strings and as the song came to an end, Eddie found himself wholeheartedly disappointed that he hadn’t arrived at the Hideout sooner. For just like when he was coming down from a high, he craved another hit of you.

“Thank you everyone and have a lovely night!”   

The crowd was deafening as the lights began to fade, your attention immediately turning to your band mates as you talked enthusiastically with them.    

“Shit,” Eddie said to himself.    

Whether his sentiments were voiced because of his severely decreased chances of winning the Battle of the Bands or because he couldn’t quite get the image of you out of his mind, he wasn’t altogether too sure.  

---

The first time you saw Eddie Munson was sometime around junior year. 

But the first time you really saw him, the first time your eyes locked onto his and you found yourself unable to look away, was during one of your gigs at the Hideout. The gig was just like any other although the crowd was particularly large that night, a sea of eyes staring back at you so that sweat dripped from the back of your neck. For most of the set you spent the majority of your time either turning back to look at your bandmates or closing your eyes if only to briefly get the image of all those people staring at you out of your mind.  

But then you had opened your eyes and scanned the room just like you had done so many times before, and it was like your gaze was drawn to his. His eyes, so wide and dark, seemed to swallow your own. A mound of hair encompassed his head, messy and untamed, framing a face that was angular and yet soft. His tall frame was dressed almost entirely in black save for the denim jacket worn atop his leather one, patches from several bands sewn into the fabric. 

Your eyes drifted down to where his hands sat by his sides, large silver rings covering each finger. At the sight of his index finger tapping along against his jeans to the beat you couldn’t help but gaze back at him and smile, not altogether sure whether he even knew he was doing it.  

In the end, you had to force yourself to tear your gaze away from his. You turned briefly to look back at Robin who smiled back at you, Vicki all consumed by the drums and Meg as stoic as ever. 

You allowed yourself to look at Eddie only a few more times during your set, and each time you did so you instantly regretted it for averting your gaze from him always took a monumental effort. But then you were finishing your last song and you were panting and you were sweating and you were so looking forward to leaving the stuffy venue that in the end you completely lost sight of him. A few people came up to the stage as you were packing up to congratulate you, but none with captivating brown eyes and a mane of messy hair.  

“I swear I was going to shit myself on that stage,” Robin said when you were packing the equipment into your car. The night air was cool as it touched your skin, the silence of the carpark calming. 

“The crowd keeps getting bigger every week and I don’t know how to deal with it,” Vicki added. 

“We could take a couple of weeks off from performing if you guys want. I know it’s overwhelming, especially with the competition coming up,” you said, gently placing your guitar into the boot of your car. 

“Well that’s the thing,” Robin said with a smile. “If we’re going to blow those judges away, we have to practice.” 

“It won’t matter what we do. We’re girls so the judges won’t score us high,” Meg, ever the pessimist, said. 

“Oh Meggy,” Robin said, slinging an arm around the stoic girl. “Your faith in us instils so much confidence in me. Now stop with all the moping, and let’s get some milkshakes!” 

Robin practically flung herself into the backseat of your car, followed quickly by Vicki who smiled up sweetly at the other girl as Meg opened the passenger door. You couldn’t help but smile at the two girls from where you could see them through rear window, chatting idly between each other. 

With a sigh, you turned to glance around one last time at the empty carpark before rounding the car to open the driver’s door.  

---

“We’re totally screwed,” Jeff said as they left the venue. 

“They weren’t that good,” Gareth responded. 

“Were we watching the same band?” Mike said. “Cause they absolutely ruled!” 

“Well, maybe they’re not competing in the Battle of the Bands,” Gareth conceded. 

“I’m pretty sure they are,” Dustin said. 

“And how would you know?” Gareth questioned. 

“Well Steve is friends with Robin and Y/N and I’m friends with Steve. Plus I heard them talking about it last week at the video store.” 

Jeff let out a groan of disappointment.  

“What do you think of all this, Eddie? You’re being hell quiet,” Gareth said, pulling Eddie out of his reverie. His gaze had been lingering on the doors of the Hideout, hoping that maybe he could catch one last glimpse of you before he left. He had wanted to talk to you after the set, but even before he had managed to work up the courage to carry himself over towards you, someone else had beat him to it; a guy with cool hair and cool clothes and a cool smile that he had directed up towards you to where you were packing up on the stage. And of course you had smiled back, responding politely to whatever the guy had said to you, perhaps partly distracted as you continued to pack away as you did so, your back half turned to him. But maybe in the end it had been for the best, Eddie thought, for in truth he had had nothing to say anyway. 

“I think they were good. I think they’re good enough to win the competition,” Eddie said as if it were an obvious statement. He opened the driver’s door to his van and hopped in, the boys doing the same as they piled into the back.  

Gareth rolled his eyes. “Oh God, not you too.” 

Eddie forced his gaze away from the Hideout and turned back to smile at his friend. He twisted the keys in the ignition as the engine roared to life. 

“But we’re also good enough to win. We just have some worthy competition now, so it’ll be all the more satisfying when we beat them.” 

Gareth let out a howl of laughter as Eddie sped out of the parking lot.  

“But we have much to discuss, boys. We need a plan of attack,” Eddie said seriously. 

When they eventually returned back to Eddie’s trailer, the boys were forced to sit upon Eddie’s couch as he paced before them, seemingly renewed with his usual excess of energy. His hands were clasped together under his chin as he paced, his mind deep in thought as the room remained quiet, no one wanting to interrupt whatever it was that was happening inside of Eddie’s mind.  

“Right!” Eddie finally declared, causing each boy to jump slightly. “I think it’s quite obvious that those girls we saw tonight were good. There’s no point in denying that. But if we’re going to beat them in this competition, we must have a battle plan. Dustin!” 

Dustin sat upright. 

“How well do you know those lovely ladies?” 

“W-well,” Dustin began, clearing his throat before continuing. “Steve is like best friends with Robin who was the lead guitarist-” 

“Robin Buckley!” Eddie loudly interjected, clapping his hands together dramatically. “I knew she looked familiar.” 

Dustin waited a few seconds to make sure that Eddie’s outburst was finished before he continued.  

“Yeah, that’s her. And then Y/N is the lead singer. She’s friends with Steve and Robin. She’s always hanging out with them at Family Video. S-she,” Dustin hesitated, “she used to be my babysitter as well.” 

Eddie’s eyebrows quirked upwards, a wicked grin splitting onto his features.  

“So you know her well then?” 

“Y-yeah, I’d say so,” Dustin said.

“We’ve also been on a few…adventures with her,” Mike added, earning him a scowl from Dustin.

“She plays D and D?” Eddie asked, surprised.

“…no,” the boys said in unison.

“Well what about the other two? The bassist and the drummer?” Eddie asked. 

“Um, the drummer is Vicki, I think. Robin talks about her sometimes. And then I don’t really know much about the other one.” 

“She looked scary,” Mike added.  

“That she did,” Eddie responded. “But we know enough about the other’s so that we shouldn’t have to worry about her. Now, boys, what is the one thing that these girls have that we don’t?” 

Mike, Dustin, Gareth and Jeff looked towards each other. 

“Boob-” Gareth began. 

“Music related!” Eddie quickly interjected before sighing. “What do these girls have in their music that we don’t?” 

Again, the boys looked towards each other, but this time they were unable to answer. Eddie sighed again, bringing his thumb and forefinger to rest upon the bridge of his nose in frustration. 

“Original songs!” Eddie finally revealed. “They have original songs.” 

“We have original songs!” Gareth exclaimed. 

“We have original chord progressions. We don’t have lyrics and we don’t have anything that’s actually finished.” 

“Well how are we supposed to write lyrics when none of us know how to?” Mike questioned. 

“Well, Wheeler, that’s what leads me to our game plan. We need someone to teach us,” Eddie responded. “Henderson, do you know who in that girl group writes the lyrics to their songs?” 

Dustin furrowed his brows for a moment as he thought through the question. 

“I don’t know specifically, but Y/N is always writing in a notebook that she always has on her.” 

“Well then there we have it, boys. We need to find the secret to writing original songs which means we need to infiltrate that girl group.” Eddie turned to look at Dustin with a quirked eyebrow.  

“No no no, Munson, I’m not going behind Y/N’s back to help you win this competition. She’d literally kill me if she found out!” Dustin hastily objected. 

“Oh come on, Dustin,” Eddie pleaded.  

“Well considering I’m not in the band I really have no incentive to help you,” Dustin said, his lips upturning slightly into a devilish grin. 

Eddie groaned. 

“Oh God, Dustin, not this again. Fine! You can be the band’s manager!” 

A wide smile erupted onto Dustin’s face. He leapt up from where he was sitting before patting the cushion, gesturing for Eddie to take a seat. With a large eyeroll and a slight scoff, Eddie begrudgingly sat down.  

“As band manager, I have to let you know that this so-called plan that you have concocted is flawed,” Dustin said. 

“It’s-” Eddie began. 

“It’s flawed,” Dustin continued, “because you don’t know Y/N like I do. Sure, I can try and squeeze her song writing secrets from her, but I promise you I wouldn’t get very far. What we need is for someone to get close to Y/N. Intimately close.” Dustin turned to Eddie and wiggled his eyebrows.  

“What are you-” Eddie tried to say before he was once again cut off. 

“I’m saying that Y/N is...reserved.” 

“She’s literally the lead singer in a band. How reserved can she be?” Jeff said. 

“I’m sorry, Jeff, do you know her?” Dustin questioned. Jeff remained silent. “No, I didn’t think so. What I’m trying to say is that she doesn’t open up to a lot of people so she’s not going to spill her secrets to just anyone, not even me. So someone,” Dustin wiggled his eyebrows at Eddie once more, “has to get close to her.” 

“And how exactly am I supposed to get close to her?” Eddie questioned, the image of that day when you had bumped into him in the hallway flooding his mind.

“I don’t know, maybe talk to her,” Dustin responded sarcastically. “Take her out on a few dates. Get her to open up to you.” 

Eddie furrowed his brows. “I don’t think-” 

“That’s a great idea!” Gareth interjected.  

“No, I-” Eddie tried to say once more. 

“Come on man, it’s just a few dates. It doesn’t have to be anything serious,” Jeff added.  

“If you date her does that mean we get to go to more of her gigs?” Mike questioned excitedly. 

“I-” 

“So you’re perfectly happy for me to do all of the dirty work,” Dustin began. “But as soon as you have to put in some effort you don’t want to do it.” 

“Hell, I’ll do it,” Gareth added. “You never know, I might even get luck-” 

“Fine!” Eddie exclaimed, silencing everyone else in the room. “Fine, I’ll do it. Just a few dates. Nothing serious.” 

Eddie brought his hands up to rub at his temples, the beginnings of a headache throbbing in his mind.  

“That’s only if she doesn’t reject you,” Jeff snickered.

---

Songs Used:

- Let Me Down Easy by Gang of Youths

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Taglist:

@alicetweven @juggernort @theh3aven @manamitoyota @mimiluvsualot @cherrypieyourface @kaqua @c0untryclub @goldencherriess @emotionaldreamer @givemethesleep @milkiane

#eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson stranger things #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson x female reader #Eddie munson x fem!reader #stranger things #season 4 stranger things #stranger things season 4 #stranger things s4 #dustin henderson #robin buckley #joseph quinn #Joe Quinn

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clericbyers · 5 years

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my last logical braincell: give it up buddy the production team wouldn't put two of the main characters in a gay relationship, be smart and realistic / all my other brain cells, completely unhinged, studied in honk honk university: bylerbylerbyler it's the most valid ending They have to bring this developing relationship to its climax which means Byler

okay me…i flip flop between complete utter confidence in them being the endgame couple and complete utter resignation that it won’t happen. but god I just…watching st1 and momentarily ignoring the fact that other seasons exist has me so hooked on endgame byler bc, god its so obvious Mike loves Will. I rewatched 1x03 yesterday and at the end when Mike yells at El, Lucas says, “Mike, please don’t do this.” and he’s crying and Dustin is too but Mike physically cannot handle being there. He is torn up in a way no one else is, he was shouting, “what is wrong with you” at El, because he can’t handle his own emotions and takes it out on other people (as we see in st1 still when he fights Lucas and shoves Troy and he yells at El) and he can’t handle the utter pain at having his hopes dashed because he was tied to El in order to find Will and in his mind she broke that promise even though he hadn’t broken his promise of keeping her safe.

And Lucas and Dustin probably knew Will was something different for Mike; hell, Dustin called Lucas Mike’s best friend which discounted himself and Will, and while it’s later implied he didn’t include himself because ‘you can’t have more than one best friend’ which Mike cutely called bs on because they are all his best friend, Will wasn’t included in that despite Mike being the most torn up about Will’s disappearance. And Dustin is the most observant about relationships, how he points out that Lucas is mad Mike is putting El over the Party (a theme that carries into ST3 at that), yet he didn’t call Will Mike’s best friend and that’s…that could be said to be because he knows Will and Mike are something different but he can’t say what because what is more than a best friend anyway?? Lucas and Dustin both didn’t go after Mike when he biked away from the lake despite then both protesting his emotional breakdown, much as we see in ST3 when Lucas didn’t go after Mike or Will after Will stormed out.

And just throughout the whole first season, even in the very next episode (1x04), Ted and Karen are watching the news about the body being fished out and Ted says something like, “Should I go down and talk to Michael?” and Karen says, “No, he’ll come to us when he’s ready.” and yes they are talking about Mike dealing with Will’s death, but after 1x02 where Karen talked with Mike about opening up to her about how he’s dealing with Will’s disappearance and how coded that is, the 1x04 conversation has another layer to it. Especially when the very next shot is Mike in the basement longingly looking through his binder of Will’s drawings before he snaps at El for hurting him. It’s not just about Will’s “death”, it’s about Mike’s feelings for Will, too, that become more apparent once Will isn’t in his life anymore.

And that story, that underlying story of Mike struggling to come to terms with Will’s death, his feelings for Will, and consequently projecting them onto someone who is repeatedly mistaken to be a boy (even Will himself), is always gonna be there and dropping it makes no sense at all when it’s a core of the reason why this show even happens. Mike’s love for Will brings him back as much as Joyce and Jonathan’s love (and dedication) for him did. Mike’s love made him disobey Hopper and gather his friends and consequently find El, who does indeed help find Will. That cannot be ignored, it’s in the story, it’s been written and it cannot be erased because this story cannot be told without the integral fact that Mike loves Will. Mike is the most distraught of the kids; we constantly see his reaction to everything unfolding when it comes to Will. He has Will’s drawings on the basement walls and the fact that, when bringing the other seasons into the fold, he still has Will’s drawings on the wall despite having a girlfriend and having Will physically back for the past 8 months and trying to grow out of his childhood interests…that’s very telling.

wow I’m ranting but uhhhhhh…I just, cannot imagine completely derailing from the story of ST so much to discard the obvious path toward Mike and Will coming to terms with their feelings for each other. But despite all the evidence and even what I just talked about here, I hate that I still feel like there’s a chance the side story of this gay romance won’t be resolved by the show’s end. And that’s sad…it’s sad that I have to convince myself this won’t happen despite the contrary evidence because too many times it doesn’t happen but goddamn it’s just, it’s weaved so much into the plot!! Even the fact that ST mirrors the D&D campaigns (esp in ST1) and D&D is the in show analogy for Mike and Will’s relationship proves that their relationship is deeply essential to the show, it cannot be dismissed, and it will be addressed in full.

ST3 does give us minimal byler in comparison to ST2 but I dare to say…ST3 was explicitly showing us Will loves Mike back because ST1 and ST2 already showed us that Mike loves Will. ST3 gave us jealous and pining Will and gave us that argument that reveals Will’s feelings toward Mike. Mike’s trying to get over it by being with El, who he does love and care for but as Lucas said in 1x05, “You’re blind…blind because you like that a girl’s not grossed out by you”. Mike likes the idea of liking El, he likes that El likes him as he’s kept her safe so he pursues her and clings to her, but he’s trying to force something that doesn’t work. Lucas (in 1x05) said “Wake up man! Wake the hell up,” but Mike couldn’t do that. He couldn’t “wake up” and come to terms with the full truth so he merely yelled at Lucas to ‘shut up’ (similar to how in ST3 Mike couldn’t retort against anything Will said until he came at Mike’s relationship with El) and then physically fought him.

In ST3, Mike wouldn’t allow himself to believe in spending the rest of his life with Will; funnily, he was telling Will to wake up in that 3x03 argument as much as Lucas told him to back in ST1, but when Will said, “I guess I did. I really did.” he was, in a way, saying he is already awake. His nightmare was the UD, his nightmare was the MF and the now-memories, but when he woke up from all of that, he was with Mike. He was in the basement playing games with Mike and Mike is still the one who hasn’t woken up, who is still living under some delusion. And that’s when Mike really realizes his feelings were returned and he quite possibly fucked it up. He chases after Will and apologizes but again, the argument was unlike any argument he had with anyone else on the show. Mike yelled at El and Lucas in ST1, he yelled at Hopper in ST2 and ST3, he yelled at Max in ST3, but he never yelled at Will during that argument until he said “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls,” and even then it’s not yelling to the extent he did with others. This was different, this meant something entirely different for him and he wanted to fix it ASAP, asking if Will was okay as he always once he found him at Castle Byers, checking in as he cannot help but do.

And Yeah, Mike spent the rest of the season trying to mend things with El (why not go all out for her then since he feels he ruined what he could have had with Will during that argument, but going all out for her only reveals further his lack of trust in her—sauna scene when he found out she spied, cabin scenes where he argued with Max about her powers, claimed he loved her but couldn’t say it to her face, and then was hesitant to even say yes to her asking him to trust her, supermarket scene where he couldn’t say love to her face) but at the end!! they are still awkward !! He still lied to her by saying he didn’t know what he said in the cabin!! Their friendship is safe but their romance is gone !! but Mike and Will? Using D&D to establish the change in their relationship, to confess and show that Mike has to make a move because Mike has always made the first move with Will, but Will is gonna be receptive because he knows it’s reciprocated now.

oh my god I just….there’s too much evidence I cannot imagine this all gets tossed to the side. I guess I’m in one of my “I have high hopes” moods while answering this ask haha

#anon #yams answers #meta #i totally didnt mean to just go so long with this but my god i am!! i am in a mood #sorry anon this probably isnt what you expected ahaha

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some-things-up · 5 years

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The Heartbreaking/Hopeful Punch of Nostalgia: Final Part

Stranger Things, Season 3, episode 8, otherwise known as the shell for one of the most magical, nostalgic-to-some, annoying-to-others, no-one-saw-it-coming scenes of recent history.

Here is the outline (italics represent what we’ve covered so far, bold is what is covered in this post):

A strong woman

What scene are we talking about?

The reaction to it (seen through the response to the context, which will be continued after we discuss the context)

The context of it

The type of woman Suzie is

Dustin’s predicament

The outsiders

The reaction to it (having seen the context)

Heartbreaking hope (the salvation of nostalgia, Suzie/Dustin as heroes)

“eternity in the heart”

death not a part of life

what Suzie/Dustin save us from

insufficiency of existentialism

long for eternal things

Who is the same “yesterday, today, and forever”?

Heartbreaking seriousness (the salvation from nostalgia, Hopper/Joyce as heroes)

The insufficiency of these heroes

(I will use the same explanatory paragraphs for these pictures and then work on these last two outline points.)

These two moments are the contrast I’m trying to get at. And I think it would be best to see them in the video once more if you haven’t for a while. Not so that you will get the nostalgia back in order to enjoy this post more, but so that you can see what these pictures even are. What does a girl throwing out her arm in triumph have to do with two people who look totally defeated in some sort of a compound? Nothing, unless there is a song playing during both of these scenes that unites them in the strangest way.

The reality of the situation requires both of these shots. Both of these circumstances are at play. Hopper and Joyce are in the compound, standing in front of a locked safe, and they need the code. Dustin called Suzie to get that code and this song is part of the bargain.

Both couples have a role to play in this scenario, and it would not be fair to leave either out in terms of the importance of their role.

Let’s start with the basic reasons why both couples are heroes. Suzie/Dustin get the code. Hopper/Joyce use the code to get the keys, which leads to them destroying the Mindflayer. On that level, it is very easy to see why both couples are heroes here.

But that is not why I’ve been writing about them. I’ve been writing about them because they are heroes in much more substantial ways, ways that go beyond the Stranger Things franchise.

Heartbreaking Seriousness: The Salvation from Nostalgia

We covered the heartbreaking hope of Dustin/Suzie, and her arm outstretched toward an undefined hope for future things that do not end with “death is a part of life.” The hope they pointed at does not have a shelf-life, nor does it have any substance unless there is something sufficient to sustain an eternal hope. So we have to decide, either it was totally meaningless (in which case we all ought to be ashamed to desire a meaningful future), or there is something actually there that makes hoping for an eternal (and meaningful) future, not only a viable option, but essentially natural to us all.

So why would Hopper/Joyce be heroes by saving us from that? Why not just let that song roll on repeat forever, with Dustin and Suzie singing to one another over the radio waves forever? It is the reality of the fact that as they sing there is a Mindflayer chasing the car which will eventually run out of gas, and the reality of the fact that Hopper, Joyce, and Murray are not really Russians and don’t really belong in that compound. It is the reality that things will be much worse very soon for not only all involved, but for potentially all, period.

The reality is, we need to be saved from danger in order to enjoy whatever eternity there is worth hoping in. And what Hopper/Joyce save us from is thinking otherwise, that is, thinking we can enjoy that future, or that song, or come to it without dealing with that strangest thing, death.

This is where those who say, “C’mon, get the code!!! WHY ARE THEY SINGING!!!???” are correct. They may not know why the code is worth getting, since it provides no meaningful future in their worldview (if they are existentialists, or “here-and-now-only-ists”), but at least they know without that, the show is over.

And this is where I’d like to remind you of the picture above of Hopper/Joyce, listening to the song Dustin/Suzie are singing. Those two pictures are, for the most part, simultaneous. Could there be a greater contrast? There is another picture I will add to help remind you.

Here you can see the lyrics to the song, as Joyce hangs her head in despair and Hopper stares off down the tunnel, not to look for the Russians, but in utter disbelief that those words are being sung over the radio rather than numbers to Planck’s Constant.

I just watched a video of a guy who tries to dissect this situation similarly to the way I am, but he sort of boils it down to the adult perspective verses the child perspective. I think there is some truth to that, but if you pay attention, you will see that not all the children in the scene are on board with Dustin/Suzie’s song, and that many adults who watched this scene (as I said, who would be in their late 30′s-mid 40′s) were sympathizing with Dustin/Suzie for the sake of nostalgia. In other words, the adult/child perspective gap is not a sufficient explanation. The fact is, even Dustin, who was as serious as ever got lost in the moment. And Hopper (spoilers), for someone convinced he’s about to die, has the mind to look up and smile at Joyce, saying, “It’s ok, it’s worth it. Do it!” But why was it worth it, Hopper? At that moment, he’s more in line with Dustin/Suzie than he is with Joyce, who sees only his immanent death, which causes her to hesitate. He sees something more, that there is value in life, even if it takes death to secure it.

And this is related to why they are heroes. Hopper/Joyce are the slap in the face to Dustin/Suzie when they might have forgotten about the danger they were in. Dustin is chuckling at the end of the song. But when Suzie gives the code, what you see in Hopper is someone who knows life is fragile, and that they are in great danger, and maybe he knows he’s not likely to make it out alive already. But if he doesn’t punch in the code right away, no one makes it out alive. And this is why it is such a heartbreaking scene to me. The song ends, the hope filled look at the future has had its moment, but Hopper only cares about one thing, and as soon as he has that code, he turns around and punches it in. There is no hope without that, and he knows it. That perspective is essential too.

Here we see the salvation from nostalgia. The stark reality that we won’t live forever in the world as it is now, and as we are now. All it takes is a measly Russian compound, a monster from another dimension, and a forgetful mind (Murray’s issue) to threaten certain death for them and maybe everyone else. But we know it is no less true when you take out the Russian compound, the monster and Murray. We know it is true on the streets we walk and the roads we drive. Everywhere we go we know it could be our last trip there, or if we were really giving it thought, that we might not even make it there.

What Dusin/Suzie do is save the world by reminding us that there is an eternity worth longing for, or that life is not just about right now. What Hopper/Joyce do is save the world by reminding us of immanent death. The code didn’t save Hopper. And Joyce barely made it out alive and eventually will die (by now, if she were not a fictional character, she would be in her 80′s). They reminded us that what it will take to ever reach that future is to see the threat to it, and face it. To “get that code” is not all that matters, but it matters.

The insufficiency of these heroes is seen in that neither of these hero pairs works on its own. Dustin/Suzie lacked the urgency (even Dustin forgot what was going on, chuckling after the song was over) and desperation that would move them see the threat to that future. They show us the reality of a substantial meaningful hope (one we need not be ashamed of). But they do not show us the urgency of facing the threat to it. Hopper/Joyce listened in despair as two people hoped for that future, when all they could see is the threat and the need for the code. But the code did not save everyone’s life. If Hopper truly survived the explosion, he’d still likely have died of lung cancer before 2019, or some other random thing that makes the life expectancy of men top out at 78.

The point is, neither of these couples completes the picture; they just paint a good portrait of one part of (for the sake of this discussion) a two part landscape. These two parts: 1) eternity in the heart of man, and 2) the penalty of death.

Penalty?

Consider this verse from the Bible: “Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2)

Here is one with perfect perspective. The joy set before him was the reward of his labor, that is the glory of future joy for himself and all his redeemed, whom he died to redeem. What lies ahead? Something worth glorying in and hoping in, something substantial. What was the cost? Death on the cross. What was the threat? His own perfect wrath against sin. This is the penalty. “For the wages of sin is death.” (Romans 6:23)

Death is the penalty for sin, death forever, a sort of living-death. A death that lives forever, under the weight of justice for sinning against a holy God. But Jesus’ death sufficiently paid that penalty for all who come to him. He suffered, the just for the unjust. He “got the code” all on his own, then “took the explosion” all to himself, and yet, he did it “for the joy that was set before him.” Shortly before he died he said, “Father, glorify your Son, that the Son may glorify you.” (John 17).

Here are a couple of final passages from the book of Revelation chapter 21 (that scary book that tells us the immanent danger we are in (i.e.the compound, the monster, the forgotten code, the reluctance of Suzie to give it - type of situation we are in), and something of an eternal hope.)) What is in parentheses is added by me:

“Behold, I am making all things new (in the future, and forever)...To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life (eternal life, meaningful, substantial, actual life) without payment (for he already paid the cost on the cross).

Just prior to this he says, “Behold (that is, wow, you never saw this coming), the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

This is to say, there is an eternity worth hoping in, substantial and founded upon the finished work of Christ.

But there is another side, the side that many ignore who accuse Christians of inventing heaven as a way to make us feel better about dying. Oh no, dear person. For the Christian, death is more deadly and serious than for anyone else. For just after he says what he says about heaven, he says: “But as for the cowardly (those who are too afraid to face the reality they are in, and face their need for a savior), the unbelieving (those who suspect God of lying to them about what he says), the detestable, as for murderers (which Jesus said we are when we are even angry with one another), the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.”

This is to say, there is a threat to that eternal hope: death, and the second death, which Christ suffered in order to save all who come to him.

So I say that scene points to great truths, truths that no one intended to be there, and yet are unavoidable, like the air the actors breathe. I do not say this scene points to Christ. I say it points to two things about us. We long to live forever because we were made to. And we cannot (on our own) avoid the penalty of death (and eternal death) because God is just. Those truths may not be seen in this scene by every Christian, but every Christian, or Christian-to-be will see it somewhere. And many who know nothing of Christ see Dustin/Suzie singing of future hope and smile (their most genuine smile) without knowing why. Others urge Hopper/Joyce on, “Hurry, hurry, get the key!” without knowing what for.

I’m suggesting to you, however few of you ever read this, that there is a reason why we do these things. We know two great things: God made us to live forever, and we are in danger from his wrath. The Christian knows two more great things: we really are sinners, and Christ came into the world to save (only) sinners.

Death is the strangest thing. One day it will be no more for some, and for others, it will be all there is. Christ is the hinge upon which these two turn. He said, “It is finished” upon the cross just before he died. Let us find out what that means.

#stranger things season 3 #dustin and suzie #neverending story #existentialism #absolutetruth #stranger things #stranger things hopper #stranger things joyce #stranger things season 3 episode 8 #Christ #christians #death

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ohtehnoeszombies · 5 years

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hi there! i dont ever make tumblr posts but i have a lot of feelings about stranger things 3 so im going to make a post about it because if i dont i will physically implode. thank you. please talk to me about stranger things 3.

thoughts under the cut because i have a lot of thoughts

also spoilers duh

SHIT THAT RULES

“MOM! GET OFF THE PHONE!”

max and el’s friendship is the fuckign BOMB dude. i love them so much

el’s wardrobe this season was GREAT

“i dump your ass”

robin translating and cracking the russian code and getting INTO the mystery. i didn’t give two shits about the russian subplot until she did

“can’t spell america without erica”

shirtless dad bod hopper??

hopper’s shirt

mr clarkes entrance?? give this man more screen time PLEASE

NANCY BURSTING INTO THE ROOM EVERY TIME JONATHAN WAS DEVELOPING A PHOTO

when hopper was beating the crap out of mayor kline and his secretary gets the phone to call for help so joyce disconnects the phone?? “who are you calling? the police?” SHE’S SO BADASS DUDE I LOST MY MIND

steve, robin, dustin, and erica’s squad was so fucking good. they have such good chemisty and were genuinely hilarious together.

the sauna test. just. the whole scene. one of my favorite moments of season 2 was in the last episode where all the kids divert the demodogs and actually do some cool shit. same scenario. they face billy and work together and its. so fucking cool and refreshing. also max worrying about her step-brother despite him having been an asshole in the past is a nice touch. max rules.

when the kids find nancy in the hospital and el throws the monster repeatedly into the wall and then out the window??? the women in this show are... so goddamn good.

WHEN THE KIDS FIND NANCY IN THE HOSPITAL AND MAX SAYS “WHAT THE FU-”

“because i love her and i can’t lose her again!”

nancy this entire season

“see that table over there, to your right?” *looks to the left* “no your other right”

alexei

WE GOT MORE MURRAY HELL YEAH

el going into billy’s head to uncover the source and finding billy’s memory of his mother as well as his traumatic experiences with his father

ROBIN BEING GAY HELLO??? HERE FOR THIS

SUZIE

hopper’s letter

im probably forgetting more stuff,

SHIT THAT DOESN’T RULE SO MUCH

so. my biggest issue with this season was the utter lack of will byers. he’s arguably one of the most interesting characters in the show given his experiences in the first two seasons, but he was hardly important this time around. he did little else other than sense the presence of the mind flayer. we’ve seen noah schnapp’s acting, so let the kid act! give him some freakin’ lines! let him DO something

this relates somewhat to my first issue, but i really hated how separated the party was this season. i was pretty disappointed that dustin was M.I.A. for the majority of the season (though to be fair his squad makes up for it), but more so upset with how little attention will’s friends paid to him. despite his importance to the series, will has never really felt like a member of the party because he’s just... rarely there. in the past he’s been missing or possessed, but this time around his friends were just being jackasses. i really, really want to see more will in the next season(s), preferably doing shit with his fucking friends!

billy’s death wasn’t great. i didn’t like the character at all, but he didn’t deserve to die. max’s reaction didn’t help. i am saddened.

did they ever really explain why the flayed were eating chemicals? was it so they could turn to mush? i don’t know if i missed it or if it was just glazed over, but it was a detail that felt... idk? out of place?

kinda petty? but i really missed steve kicking the shit out of monsters with his spiked bat.

was jonathan even in this season?

the russian terminator guy? snore

i’m so upset joyce’s house didn’t get messed up somehow. the previous seasons established this pattern of joyce’s house being this hub for crazy happenings, with the lights in season 1 and the drawings in season 2. petty again, but i was looking forward to another wacky home makeover!

OTHER STRAY THOUGHTS

yes i think hopper is still alive but i dont think hes “the american” teased in the after-credits scene. that seems way too blatant and i’m hoping its a red herring. but maybe thats giving the duffers too much credit. i think it would be much more interesting if hopper is in the upside down. if this is the case, season 4 might spend more time exploring the upside down, given its lack of importance in season 3.

the big flayed monster WAS supposed to resemble the mind flayer, right? im surprised the show didn’t acknowledge this somehow, in like a flashback to will’s drawing or something.

#stranger things #stranger things spoilers #gart posts

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petty-crush · 7 years

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“Straw Dogs” 1971

-long have I waited to see this film on the big screen and it did not disappoint. A visceral and powerful experience and a film that burns your brain with its utter grey wave of morality

-dustin hoffman is always a little awkward, and this bit of casting is perfect for his persona; that of a bookshy, conflict avoiding milquetoast who finally snaps and reluctantly but firmly unleashes violence

-its fascinating to me how violent the film(when it finally gets there) is in a almost threadbare way -this may speak to the way violence was show even a decade later via the 80’s action heroes. But while those are fun, this film is unsettling, there is no real happiness in the conflict or the toll it takes on the participants

-similarly, the unforced way the infamous rape happens is way more horrifying and stomach churning than the very very tired, underscored, all caps, presentation of sexual assault shows like “game of thrones” uses ad nauseam + I hesitate to say there is a “correct” or “better” way to show something as awful as rape, but this feels way way less like a stunt or time filler, and an actual event that anyone who sees it would never want to recreate or witness again

-there is a great deal of contrasting opinion of this scene, in particular how the woman stops forcibly resisting and appears to be more soft spirited, even kissing her first assailant - to me, it’s clear she is trying to confuse him, after pleas to decency and physical resistance are overpowered. Her even greater horror at being raped twice shows how much she absolutely hated it and was devastated by it. Plus the mental breakdown she has later in the film

-what adds to the strangeness is how we never see her telling her husband that it happened (on camera at least). But maybe this isn’t so strange; she has had a often combative attitude towards him, he appears insensitive to her, and even to someone sympathetic it is a hard thing to confide in someone -I still very much feel the film is saying it is wrong and a total abuse of power, but refused to spell it out for the audience, and, oh boy, do some people hate having a thing not explicitly said

-further adding to to the grey is that young girl who uses flirting like a tool of power, willfully attracts a disturbed man (this to me is also ambiguous-is he drawn to adolescent girls or merely mentally disabled? The film is coy on this, but I think the former), the man is run over by the main character, and the hero feels it is his duty to protect this helpless man from the blood thirsty mob. There is a few shades of everyone being totally right and totally wrong at the same time, but the instinct to violence blurs these lines even further, erupting in violence -I can only add my opinion, that the mob is never right, especially when it comes to violence, even more so against a defenseless person. Even if he was a total scumbag child killer, I just don’t believe any group has the right to take a life, on the spot or not

-as you can see, this film has quite a web of emotions and fractured complications to it

-aided not only by the story, but by director Sam Peckinpah’s unnerving eye and framing; despite the very blurred lines, he directs our attention masterfully

-Peckinpah’s choice of pacing the film, with the locals leering at the wife, the killing of the cat, the husband unwilling to directly confront them, and the sudden blackboard alliance of the wife taunting the husband (his failure to go through with his catching them off guard) is masterful

-the part with the bear trap is one of the most horrifying things I have seen +and, again; it doesn’t even linger on the event, its almost casual indifference to it makes or even more shocking

-frankly, I do not think this is a film you can make your mind up on just one viewing +but I note this initial reaction in me, because same or changed, the emotions the most raw cannot be ignored

-it’s interesting how much of the initial building blocks of the conflict are over cursory, ever day actions (imagine going to battle over the preferred use of the spoon for food); being a foreigner and preferring exported goods, buying a round for everyone but not sticking around to partake(to them making the gift seem like ashes), and getting in the way of a man enjoying his relaxing actives (on his off time?) +I’m not sure I would call this microaggressions but the villagers definitely don’t act with honor or dignity. Is this the carnivore outcome of different social graces?

-if I had to gander a pov from this film, it is that all humans are relentlessly predator, prone to error, and are territorial about it. Not in a false equivalence way, but that we are tribal, and we really hate it when outsiders make the same mistakes our fellow members do.

-I’m kinda struck by how much a chickenshit the husband character (hoffman’s part) is. He keeps pushing back his line in the sand till his sweaty back is buried in the wall +hard to imagine a modern film (or classic Hollywood film) with so generally spineless a character

-in a way, I disagree with Hoffman; his character, lack and nerve et all, would marry exactly the naive child his wife is

-I like the little verbal spat the husband has with the reverend (science and religion butting heads again) +that says, Hoffman's character's exact social position is unimportant. It's more that he uses his brains primarily, and that upsets the working people of the village

-the scene in the church, with the brutish locals, their loud children (endlessly blowing those party horns) and the flashes backs to the rape while the priest talks, is one of the most quietly abrasive scenes I have seen in any film

-seriously, this film is incredible. Not easily forgotten, and not one to miss

#straw dogs #sam peckinpah #dustin hoffman #new bev #straw dogs 1971 #new beverly cinema #film #long reads #art

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erraticfairy · 6 years

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What You Need to Know About Apologizing Way Too Much

Not all apologies are created equal.

The evening I realized I said “sorry” to my cat for pushing her aside so I could share the chair with her, I knew I needed to start looking into the subject of apologizing.

I’m sorry to say (pun intended!) that when I began my research, I thought I was writing a piece about why women should stop apologizing so much. Turns out, it’s complicated.

While there is some research to support the common view that women apologize more than men, it’s not overwhelming. That said, we all know someone who over-apologizes; typically, that person is female.

To decide whether you fall in the over-apologizing group, you must know that apologies are more complex than a simple, “I’m sorry.”

Here are 4 different kinds of apologies and when you might use them in conversation:

1. The Reflexive Apology.

Take, for example, “I’m sorry I went out with the girls last night.” This is a like a verbal tic we have when we’re not at all sorry.

You actually had a great time with the girls, but you’re trying to make reparation for a less than welcome choice you made. What you’re really thinking is, “Of course you would be happier if I was home to make dinner and get the kids ready for bed, but really, did it kill you?”

Sometimes we offer the reflexive apology after receiving a complaint, like the one about the terrible night he had managing the kids because you were out with the girls.

Sometimes we do it before even receiving said complaint, anticipating that there might be a negative reaction to our behavior.

I have to say that my apology to the cat seems to fall in this category. I realize she is upset with me for moving her, so I’m instinctively apologizing. But am I sorry? Not really.

The reflexive apology restores balance in the relationship. You believe someone is upset with you and you automatically act to restore equilibrium.

Unsurprisingly, the maintenance of peace and harmony in relationships often falls to the woman. Is this a role you want? You must be the judge.

The Right Way to Effectively Apologize to Someone According to Science

2. The Assertive Apology

You might say, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel like cooking tonight.” It might be a reflexive apology. More likely, it’s your way of asserting that you are not going to do something and/or that you want something, i.e., “I’m not cooking so we need to go out or order in.”

Another case of the assertive apology is, “Sorry, but I didn’t ask for the more expensive synthetic oil in my car,” or, “I didn’t ask for this, and I shouldn’t have to pay for it.”

In each case, think about the meaning when you omit the “sorry.” You’re left with the same sentiment, but it’s slightly more caustic, slightly less traditionally feminine.

With the assertive apology, much like the reflexive sorry, you’re not really sorry at all. You want something, you think it will not be popular and you soften it with the “sorry.” It’s another attempt to maintain the relationship, even with the guy in the car repair shop.

It’s been argued that women ought to be more direct, ask for what they want, and not let the desire to keep the peace confuse their message.

Are you better served with or without the apology?

3. The Blame-Reversing Apology

Consider: “I’m sorry if it annoys you when I ask you to take out the trash.” What may be unsaid but implied by your tone is, “You know it’s your job.” We can include the “I’m sorry, but…” in this category, as well. Consider: “I’m sorry what I said upset you, but you know it’s true.”

According to Harriet Lerner, the blame-reversing apology is worse than no apology at all.

A classic case, and I hate to have to say it, is Dustin Hoffman’s “apology” to Anna Graham Hunter. “I feel terrible that anything I might have done could have put her…” The use of “might” and “could,” are a double-whammy on the apology front. Both smack of blame-reversing, i.e., “It’s really not my fault that you took what I said the wrong way.”

Again, you are not sorry, but unlike the reflexive apology, which strives to maintain peace and harmony, or the assertive apology, by which you are trying to get something, the blame-reversing apology is a passive-aggressive attempt to shift blame to the receiver while seemingly being apologetic. I agree with Lerner’s assessment because in addition to not offering contrition, it also undermines the receiver’s experience.

Personally, I like to avoid this one and recommend you do the same.

4. The Genuine Apology

By genuine, I mean first and foremost, that you’re really feeling it. It must be an honest apology. A fake apology will fall flat. It has to sound honest, so your tone matters.

The genuine apology is something along the lines of these heartfelt apologies:

“I’m sorry what I said hurt your feelings. It was thoughtless. How can I make it up to you?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t do what I said I would do. I will try to do better next time. I hope you will call me out if I mess up again.”

“I’m sorry I can’t make our dinner date. I know it’s important to you. When would be another good time for you?”

These, and other similar apologies reflect the fact that you understand the other person isn’t happy with something you did or didn’t do, and you’d like to make reparation.

Genuine apologies usually have the “I” word and do not include any of the aforementioned ifs, ands, or buts. I don’t want to be the semantics police, but (see, there it is) words matter.

Some argue that a true apology doesn’t require a step toward reparation, but I do not agree. I think if you’re really feeling bad about something, you want to make it up to the person. But like an offer to take someone out to dinner to make up for bad behavior, don’t force it if the person declines your offer.

Flowers or gifts after misbehavior may be nice gestures, but if it was a big transgression, don’t expect immediate forgiveness. In fact, don’t expect forgiveness. That’s up to the other person. If your apology is contingent on forgiveness, you’ve missed the point. Your apology is not supposed to be about you.

When Should We (or Shouldn’t We) Apologize?

On one side, we have the camp that believes that women apologize more than men because it’s expected and it’s actually in their best interests to do so. This reflects the notion that when men are unapologetically assertive, it’s fine, but when women are, it’s aggressive.

Being perceived as too aggressive might cost you a promotion or your job, so you probably want to think twice, but it’s a personal decision. You may (or may not) decide that sacrificing the value you place on being assertive, in the service of being “nice,” isn’t something you’re willing to do.

Another reason we may apologize more than men is that men have a higher threshold for what constitutes a transgression.

Consider this example: My friend was walking in a local green space. She was accosted by three dogs, off-lead, no owner in sight. Their female owner was the first to appear and attempt, unsuccessfully, to corral them. Then the male owner stepped in, all the while the woman was apologizing profusely.

How to Apologize to Someone You Love So They Know You Mean It Sincerely

The man uttered not one word of apology. I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that most people, male or female, would consider this a pretty big transgression and that the guy was inconsiderate. Apparently, he didn’t see it that way.

This is a perfect example of why I agree with a recent piece concluding that, in some cases, men ought to be a little more like women. We could use more people trying to restore balance and equanimity in conversation and in life. As Lerner points out, you need a lot of self-confidence to see your mistakes and offer a genuine apology.

The other camp believes that women should beware of over-apologizing. When you apologize constantly you can get into a boy-who-cried-wolf situation. Your habitual apology is eventually tuned out because it’s super-annoying to have someone repeatedly apologizing for minor offenses, or for transgressions you didn’t even notice. This is the person who is apologizing for not being clear because you’re asked them a few questions, or who’s sorry they didn’t call first each time you call them.

Over-apologizing can mean that when you really want to make a sincere apology it may fall on deaf ears. It can also reflect a lack of confidence, low self-esteem, and maybe even disingenuousness. You must ask yourself if this is how you want to show up in the world.

Listen to yourself and evaluate your own apology style. You decide if it’s too much, not enough or just right.

I’m not sorry to say that when I accidentally step on my cat in the dark, I’m going to keep apologizing. When it comes to the cat, maintaining peace and harmony is up to me.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Do You Apologize Too Much? What You Need to Know About Saying Sorry.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2GeE3bj via theshiningmind.com

#World of Psychology #child psychology

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psychotherapyconsultants · 6 years

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What You Need to Know About Apologizing Way Too Much

Not all apologies are created equal.

The evening I realized I said “sorry” to my cat for pushing her aside so I could share the chair with her, I knew I needed to start looking into the subject of apologizing.

I’m sorry to say (pun intended!) that when I began my research, I thought I was writing a piece about why women should stop apologizing so much. Turns out, it’s complicated.

To decide whether you fall in the over-apologizing group, you must know that apologies are more complex than a simple, “I’m sorry.”

Here are 4 different kinds of apologies and when you might use them in conversation:

1. The Reflexive Apology.

Take, for example, “I’m sorry I went out with the girls last night.” This is a like a verbal tic we have when we’re not at all sorry.

Sometimes we offer the reflexive apology after receiving a complaint, like the one about the terrible night he had managing the kids because you were out with the girls.

Sometimes we do it before even receiving said complaint, anticipating that there might be a negative reaction to our behavior.

I have to say that my apology to the cat seems to fall in this category. I realize she is upset with me for moving her, so I’m instinctively apologizing. But am I sorry? Not really.

The reflexive apology restores balance in the relationship. You believe someone is upset with you and you automatically act to restore equilibrium.

Unsurprisingly, the maintenance of peace and harmony in relationships often falls to the woman. Is this a role you want? You must be the judge.

The Right Way to Effectively Apologize to Someone According to Science

2. The Assertive Apology

Another case of the assertive apology is, “Sorry, but I didn’t ask for the more expensive synthetic oil in my car,” or, “I didn’t ask for this, and I shouldn’t have to pay for it.”

In each case, think about the meaning when you omit the “sorry.” You’re left with the same sentiment, but it’s slightly more caustic, slightly less traditionally feminine.

It’s been argued that women ought to be more direct, ask for what they want, and not let the desire to keep the peace confuse their message.

Are you better served with or without the apology?

3. The Blame-Reversing Apology

According to Harriet Lerner, the blame-reversing apology is worse than no apology at all.

Personally, I like to avoid this one and recommend you do the same.

4. The Genuine Apology

By genuine, I mean first and foremost, that you’re really feeling it. It must be an honest apology. A fake apology will fall flat. It has to sound honest, so your tone matters.

The genuine apology is something along the lines of these heartfelt apologies:

“I’m sorry what I said hurt your feelings. It was thoughtless. How can I make it up to you?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t do what I said I would do. I will try to do better next time. I hope you will call me out if I mess up again.”

“I’m sorry I can’t make our dinner date. I know it’s important to you. When would be another good time for you?”

These, and other similar apologies reflect the fact that you understand the other person isn’t happy with something you did or didn’t do, and you’d like to make reparation.

Genuine apologies usually have the “I” word and do not include any of the aforementioned ifs, ands, or buts. I don’t want to be the semantics police, but (see, there it is) words matter.

When Should We (or Shouldn’t We) Apologize?

Another reason we may apologize more than men is that men have a higher threshold for what constitutes a transgression.

How to Apologize to Someone You Love So They Know You Mean It Sincerely

Listen to yourself and evaluate your own apology style. You decide if it’s too much, not enough or just right.

I’m not sorry to say that when I accidentally step on my cat in the dark, I’m going to keep apologizing. When it comes to the cat, maintaining peace and harmony is up to me.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Do You Apologize Too Much? What You Need to Know About Saying Sorry.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-you-need-to-know-about-apologizing-way-too-much/

#World of Psychology

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