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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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I for the first time ever I deleted a post. I'm gonna make that a habit from here on. I'm trying to work on how I communicate when I'm upset annnnd I very clearly was not in the right space at that moment.

Though now that I'm out that daze I don't know how to pick up the pieces. I don't know why I quit but I did atp knowing full well I do not have the money for my uni debt installment.. I nonchalantly took 700 right after rhe fact planning on easing up to much much more in the hopes of escaping that whole situation

I got scared, didn't do the rest, discovered that our landlord was doing an inspection soon, and finally, used that as an excuse and pushed it off til then

And now?

Today is the day of. Well actually ig its the day after now. It's 1:50 am and Saturday atp lol. Dooms day was technically supposed to be on Fri

I've been feeling so trapped. I genuinely don't know what to do from here. Its so fucking stupid. If I could have pushed through for just a week or two longer half of this issue wouldn't even matter. But no. I got so frustrated I just quit on the spot and I was already being stupid before too. I just can't get over this fucking hurdle. I can't. It's like anything I don't want to do just turns into the bigger than it ever needs to be and it takes my all to just get through it. That shit is so draining

But my god like it's not draining enough to where I need to like whole ass unalive myself.. shit. Everytime I come out that daze I cringe at how overdramatic I sound. It's because of my giant problem with asking for help. It is HORRIBLE. The thought of telling anyone what I've been struggling with just sounds like an emotional mess

But everytime I think on it, it feels more and more like my only option is to hurt myself. I so desperately need psychiatric help but who has the money for that? If I don't hurt myself, it won't be considered urgent enough for them to get me help right away. Plus they'd get annoyed with my constant excuses. Not to say they wouldn't still be mad if I were to do something like that.. tho least they'd know it's different this time.

But on the other is it right for me to purposely weaponize my self inflicted suffering to get help right when I want it? Is it manipulative? Is it a necessary sacrifice? I've been wanting this for so long. If i could just keep my head on straight for long enough maybe I could fucking afford it myself.

That's what I hate about it. It's a two in one fuck up. I have $300 I'm somehow supposed to poof up by the end of the month. Tbh I have like $170 more I need to sort out too but it's not as urgent lol. But thennnn that whole sink hole issue plus me quitting.. AGAIN

I literally don't know what to do. I don't want to do it again. I fucking hate the taste, the feel, the everything. I relapsed out of pure desperation and i still was miserable. Worst two days of my life. I felt so pathetic

So now it makes it sting so much worse for that being all that I can think of. Ik I'd get help. But god.. do I have to feel that shit to get it? Do I really have to? What are my other options tho

Jesus. I am so ready to shut down and hopefully just stop breathing. I'm terrified of how bad I'm gonna hurt after I take them all. But I really don't see any other options. The thought of asking for help makes me sick. They're not gonna take it seriously. Ik they'd cheese along originally but they'll get annoyed and hate me. Plus what am I gonna do in December? I still have debt to pay then. That shit is still gon be due.. that's another $200 I need to 100% have or else im gonna fuck up everything. My mom's cosigned on my student loan I literally can't fuck it up.

I've been depersonalizing, dry heaving, and ofc boohooing about it all for so many days. I just want to shut down and not do anything anymore. I don't want to do anything atp. I just don't want to be stuck throwing up and dehydrated again. It feels so gross.

I want to talk to R about it. Disregarding all the extra shit we've been doing lately. Im putting all that bs aside for now. I know that she went through similar. That is it. I hope she's not too busy

#vent #dph addiction #as always i wrote ts over the span of a few hours so the time aint accurate atp. its now 1:43pm on the same day. just wanted to clarify #excessively long

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shuttershocky · 10 months

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What Arknights modules are actually worth taking allll the way to level 3? Just got Saria to level 2, and I had to double check if there was any reason at all to bother with the last tier. (There's not, Saria is the only melee operator in the faction, what the heck.)

There's plenty I would say are actually worth it (though many are bafflingly on units that didn't really need the help). My recommendations would be:

Mostima X - Slow hits 90% at Level 3, Global Slow 18%. one of the most powerful module upgrades in the game

Skadi X - Lowered Redeployment Time critical for using Skadi as an Assassin

Specter the Unchained X and Y - Both of these are just stupid good. X for solo, Y for Abyssal team buffs

Ch'en X - Level 2 is good, but Level 3 makes Ch'en charge her own skills super fast

Dusk Y - Massive improvements to her SP gain and the strength of her Freelings, makes S3 actually usable

Gladiia X - 30% Phys and Arts damage reduction to all enemies for all Abyssal hunter units Omegalul

Rosa X - Literally double damage to enemies with a higher weight than 2 what the fuck, the numerically strongest module in the whole game so far

Hellagur X - Massive survivability upgrades for a guy whose gimmick is pushing it to the limit, incredibly good numbers

Ceobe X - Another massive number module upgrade, this one increases the bonus damage Ceobe gets from the enemy's DEF stat. Enemies with incredibly high DEF get mulched by her S2's new DPS.

Siege Y - Recommended only if you have Bagpipe, Siegepipe with Siege Module Y level 3 is Flagpipe levels of DP generation vs lots of small enemies, while also being able to actually fight

Kal'tsit X and Y - Both are incredibly good upgrades to Mon3tr, which baffles the mind as they are already Kal'tsit and Mon3tr

Dorothy X - 20% chance to deal double damage with a trap is funny, but you want the module upgrade because it literally doubles her bonus damage from +20% to +40%, putting her over 1k ATK without any buffers, so her traps deal massive damage even without crits

Lin X - Level 3 makes Lin completely immune to physical damage with a DPH of <1250 while also boosting her SP gen, making Lin one of the best physical tanks in the game. Disgustingly good. Carnelian cries herself to sleep hoping HG would love her like that

And now for the lower rarities

Andreana X - Abyssal Hunter unit. Duh.

Bibeak X - Increasing her ASPD also increases her SP gen, while also getting +ATK per stack is a very nice damage boost too. A must-have for Unlimited Bibeak Works enjoyers

Firewatch Y - Adding "Enemies that don't attack" to her list of targets she deals bonus damage too is a big deal, as this adds a surprisingly large amount of enemies to her kill list. It's good for both her S1 and S2.

April X - Even more reduced redeployment time for the Fast Redeploy Marksman? Don't mind if I do. Also strangely reduces her DP cost too, making her even more effective. While Level 2 to level 3 only subtracts 3 seconds from her redeployment time, every second counts in harder stages.

Perfumer Y - Perfumer's global regeneration talent is great. Upgrading that talent? Busted. To this day Perfumer's biggest competitor in her niche is Skadi the Corrupting Heart, a limited 6 star.

Ethan X - Most modules upgrade one thing, maybe two things that an operator actually wants. Ethan's upgrades three, giving him an AOE slow within his attack range, better bind chance, AND better bind duration. The strongest 4 star module and one of the best Module Level 3s.

Gravel X - Another powerful module for a unit that never needed it, Gravel's Level 3 module reduces Kazmierz ops redeployment time by 5 seconds every time she deploys, making her a support unit for Nearl the Radiant Knight and Wild Mane. Speaking of which...

Wild Mane X - Reduces redeployment time, a great combo when Wild Mane wants to jump around the map with her S1. Not really worth it most of the time, but if you like to run NTRK then definitely get Iwona's level 3.

#Arknights

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neuroticboyfriend · 4 months

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have you ever used benadryl to get high? curious about your experiences with it if you have.

not something i recommend at all. it makes my liver and stomach hurt for days after. its like doing an evil hallucinogenic.

yeah, evil hallucinogenic is right. deliriants are not to be fucked with.

but no, i haven't, not on its own. i've used it in high doses as a sedative and to try to get high off DXM (never really succeeded getting beyond a very mild plat 1, didnt take enough).

although the most DPH I've taken is 450mg, that should have caused delirium, but in reality i just passed the fuck out bc i was wasted and high off other things.

#asks #anon #drugs tw

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greaterbalrogcat · 6 months

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UNIT REVIEW: CATMAN

(catman, like most dark heroes, has similar stats across forms with different targets and is usable in all forms, so all forms are displayed)

catman. he who xskull unironically believed to be above vigler saki and klay. bahamut but with a trait target. guy hits hard what can i say

first two forms will be lumped together given that they have the same stats except for where they differentiate in trait targeting

catman, in all forms, has 440 range, 12 speed, roughly 2.5 minute cooldown, 5520 cost, five knockbacks, 2.3 seconds of foreswing, 9.3 seconds between attacks, and massive damage vs alien. where his forms differentiate is in their second target, and while first and second form share health and damage stat, third form can use stat talents to increase both (third form is also immune to curse and gains several abilities through talents such as dodge, freeze immune, and warp immune).

at level 30, catman and dark catman have 4569.89 generalist dps and 42500 generalist dph (damage per hit). their dps and dph are quadrupled to 18279.56 and 170000 (respectively) when against their target traits with all cotc fruit treasures. at 440 range, you can see why this is a pretty solid uber. when fully boosted to level 60, these numbers increase to 8602.15 (34408.6 vs targets) dps and 80000 (320000 vs targets) dph. while his foreswing is slightly long, at 2.33 seconds, it's not that much of a problem and he will still usually hit his intended target.

catman's nuking capabilities can be compared to those of bahamut cat. they have similar generalist dps at the same level (catman has a couple hundred more); however, bahamut attacks slower and does more damage, as opposed to catman's faster but weaker attack cycle (comparatively. they're both nukers at the end of the day). this can help get peons and weaker enemies off of him, but can help reposition high knockback threats more than bahamut, and if both can only get one attack off, catman will do much less damage. catman's trait targeting settles this argument, however, giving him roughly twice as much damage vs his target traits per hit as bahamut. first/second form (same unit with different appearance) bahamut is famously replaceable by better generalists after early game, however, and this should be taken with a grain of salt.

catman's survivability is also great, with five knockbacks and a very solid 67150 health at level 30 (126400 at level 60). this gives him a chunky 13k (25k at 60) endurance while still allowing for him to reposition four times before finally going down. this is pretty good for a nuker.

compatibility with his target traits is pretty solid. effectively all alien frontliners will get crushed by that 170k damage per hit and his high range can prevent backliners from hitting him. floating is a trait that's particularly susceptible to being nuked, with floating enemies typically having high knockback count with low range (bun bun and his variants, brollow, pigeon, gobble, some face variants, a couple cyclones, corrupted valkyrie, raging bahamut) or low knockback count with low range (other face variants, owlbrow, mooth and its variants, most cyclones), all of which can be easily nuked and destroyed by catman's first form. while dark catman is less compatible with angel than catman is with floating, he still works well against quite a few major threats (angelic gory, slepinir, winged pigge if you meatshield enough, boraphim, rajakong, st dober) and can carry your way through many angel stages.

catman's only real flaws are few and far between, but the obvious ones are getting potentially outclassed as a generalist and specialist and lack of immunities. the 4.5k dps gets cleared by units like awakened ururun. aliens can be dealt with uberless due to units like catellite, seafarer, psychocat, and chill cat, and there are better uber rare options such as aphrodite, saki, most pixies, klay, shingen, and quite a few generalists that happen to target alien or do well without targeting it, such as amaterasu, rekon, sirius, and most fest exclusives. floatings are VERY powercrept. units like fishman, sanzo, octo, camera, and necro negate the need for a costly uber to destroy floating, especially if you're only really bringing catman for one or two enemies. you have ramen for angels. if that's not enough, you have sanzo, juliet, talented fiend, talented duelist, miasma, and time traveler. while none of these negate catman's usefulness vs said traits, it does lessen a perceived need for him. catman also lacks any immunities before true form, making him weak to CC such as mr mole, henry, croakley, winged pigge, any relic, several warp enemies, any wave/surge enemy, and anything else with CC that's very detrimental to catman. while, again, this isn't as bad as it may seem, it does make him useful in less situations than he would be with just one or two immunities.

ultimate catman, the true form, is an anti-alien and anti-relic nuker. before talents, it's the same as previous forms but with relic target as opposed to floating or angel, but it has curse immune, which is standard for an anti-relic specialist.

before talents, at level 30, it has 13709.67 dps (25806.45 at 60) and 127500 dph (240000 at 60) vs relics. with talents, it has 16451.61 dps (30967.74 at 60)/153000 dph (288000 at 60) vs relics, and 21935.48 dps (41290.32 at 60)/204000 dph (384000 at 60) vs alien.

health talents give it 80580 (151680 at 60) health, giving it more survivability which is rather unnecessary, freeze and warp immune are decent CC immunities that help it in henry stages and vs warp enemies such as star peng, wanwan, and mesocosmocyclone but neither is that important, and dodge is largely irrelevant due to low chance and low dodge time.

relic nuking is a very solid niche. relic powercreep is much lower than the likes of alien, floating, and angel, and despite units such as future and slapsticks working well and UL legend true forms being arguably better than catman's true form, catman will serve you well through pretty much all of UL, murdering threats such as m ost, oldhorn, relic bun-bun, othom, and puffington (440 range means it's outranged by lowkey sadly). very powerful true form, although it does kinda fall off as soon as you get luza.

tl;dr: catman is a strong nuker that will last through SoL and can be true formed to work in UL, although it will fall off somewhat in late/endgame. very good unit.

#the battle cats #battle cats #battle cats meta

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vampire6bux · 22 days

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im throwing out the pills i found last night when i get home because my tolerance has gone away and taking as much as i used to when i used to do dph like 6 nights a week twice a day really fucked me up. i was even trying to do damage control and took a little less but i have been feeling like I’m going to vomit or pass out and can’t speak all day I thought I threw everything out be fore …

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sygol · 1 year

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rating sleep aids i have taken and my experiences with them as an insomniac with a cluster b pd:

please note this is all anecdotal, hope you find relief in your ventures

zolpidem (ambien) 10/10 - very high sleep quality, medium-high sleep duration, diminishes memory of dreams but intensifies them, can develop fast dependence (tolerance reset: 5-12 days), king shit, the best thing to grace earth, US scheduled substance

kava 8/10 - high sleep quality, medium-high sleep duration, potentiates dreams, all around a wonderful drug, can leave me feeling a little drowsy in the morning, but makes me feel well rested

phenibut [low dose 200-500mg FAA] 8/10 - medium-high sleep quality, medium-high sleep duration, inconsistent affect on dreams, can develop medium dependence (this dose is lower than other GABA drugs) (tolerance reset: 5-12 days), comfortable!! in the US, this is unregulated and can be bought online

alprazolam (xannax) 7/10 - medium sleep quality, low-medium sleep duration, diminishes dreams, can develop fast dependence (tolerance reset: 5-12 days), US scheduled substance

CBD 6/10 - great for getting to sleep!, i honestly havent done this one as much as i should, im not entirely sure of the ramifications of it, but it definitely helps and doesnt leave me feeling too drowsy the next day

mugwort 6/10 - high sleep quality, medium sleep duration, intensifies dreams, very relaxing high, goes well with blue lotus

weed (cannabis) 5/10 - medium sleep quality, low sleep duration, diminishes dreams, especially good for taking a nap, the comedown and after effects is the part that is drowsy (smoked: comeup 15-30mins, peak 1-2 hrs [stimulating], comedown 1-2 hrs [drowsy]), easily mixed with other sleep meds

melatonin 4/10 - (not more than 1mg) good sleep quality, inconsistent sleep duration, intensifies dreams, inconsistent effectiveness, its okay, makes me feel slightly hungover the next day often, its good specifically for resetting circadian rhythm after stimulant use (or travelling between time zones), easily mixed with other aleep meds

chamomile tea 3.5/10 - low sleep duration, inconsistent effectiveness, apigenin in chamomile is a weak opiod that produces drowsiness, on its own it is not enough for me, but it can easily be mixed with other sleep meds

gabapentin 3/10 - low sleep quality, low-medium sleep duration, diminishes dreams, its not great but its better than nothing

cyclobenzaprine 2/10 - very low sleep quality, very high sleep duration, diminishes dreams yet also makes them "strange", feel hungover for like 12 hours the next day tho the hangover is actually nicer than DPH

DPH (benadryl) 2/10 - very low sleep quality, medium-high sleep duration, intensifies dreams in a very strange and nightmarish way, feel hungover the next day

hydroxyzine (atarax), trazadone, amitriptyline 1/10 low sleep quality, medium-high sleep duration, diminishes dreams, all of these are pretty awful to me and not worth the side effects of taking regularly

opiods 1/10 - very low sleep quality, inconsistent sleep duration

alcohol 1/10 - very low sleep quality, inconsistent sleep duration, diminishes dreams

other supplements, disclaimer the improvement of sleep with these may be due to chemical or dietary imbalance on my part, however multiple studies conclude that many people are magnesium deficient in america, additionally if you are a drug user, these things help depletion that happens from many rec drugs

magnesium [250-500mg] - make it much easier to fall asleep, especially for a nap

theanine [400mg] - inconsistently makes drowsy for short period of time, however if i do get to sleep on it, feels like it improves sleep and intensifies dreams, increases the rate at which alcohol is metabolized, less hangovers if you take this after drinking and before going to sleep

omega-3 fatty acids [720-1300mg] - ive read studies and heard anecdotally that it can help mitigate symptoms of pds, including insomnia, i cant tell exactly if it works in the long term, but i take it regularly in hopes that it does

ashwagandha [700-1300mg] - seems to improve sleep quality, and helps relax before bed

blue lotus [1-5g] - seems to improve sleep quality, and very relaxing before bed

posted on 1/23/23, my thoughts on these may change overtime, these are just my thoughts at the moment

#t2

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terriblymessedup · 2 months

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I've been under a considerable amount of stress lately. During these times of stress I've made a lot of mistakes. One of the worst being DPH.

💊 Dph in small doses is used to control allergies and help people sleep (up to 50 mg)

💊 After 50 mg you start getting the reverse effects.

You no longer have the option to sleep. You have gone to hell.

💊 The first thing you will notice is a growing sense of unease becoming a whole ass sense of impending doom.

💊 (tw spiders) they are everywhere. crawling all over everything. it's hard to tell what's real bc dph is a dangerous deliriant.

💊 you may hallucinations very terrible circumstances but it's too late. You can't take it out now. You can try water and vomiting but can you even remember how long it's been since you took it?? It's probably all absorbed.

💊 You may forget you took anything. This can lead to disaster. Especially if you go out. Other people will be able to tell you're on something though.

💊 You can't think clearly. You can't drive. You can barely move. You are also unable to pee.

💊 Oding in on it can and will cause irreversible brain damage, cause seizures, and death.

💊 There will be people walking around your room. That is enough to make a lot of people uneasy.

💊 You might be convinced someone is out to get you or that you're going to get caught.

💊 you might switch to manual breathing where you have to think about it or you won't take a breath and the short term memory loss is huge.

💊 you will constantly forget what you are doing or saying. It will be impossible to hold a thought or to talk to others.

💊 you could have a fall because your body feels too weird to move or heavy. Sometimes you just can't get yourself back up.

💊 you might think someone is talking to you.

You will hear their voice clear as day and respond- then they'll say they didn't say anything.

💊 Terror and anxiety will build, leaving you a complete wreck. You will hate almost every moment of it but you won't want to stop.

💊 did I mention the possibility of redosing thinking you didn't take anything yet? Let's say you planned on taking like 6- forget and do that over and over in a loop and B4 you know it you are absolutely f*cked.

so, to sum it up.

This will make you hear and see horrifying things and events while you have no mental capacity to distinguish it from the reality around you. Friends and loved ones might walk up and start talking to you or yelling at you but they won't be there. You may have long term organ and brain damage. You will see spiders and translucent people wondering around. You may get PTSD from this. You may become ADDICTED even if you absolutely hate it.

You want to stay away from this stuff.

Please don't abuse OTC.

I know you might be sad and desperate but I promise you experiencing this will not make your life any better. The only reason why I can remotely enjoy it is bc I am seriously mentally ill and even though I tried to get help for years I still remain unable to manage.

#addiction #tw depressing stuff #tw drugs #drugblr

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transexualbutchfagdyke · 1 year

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I'm officially 1 year sober from dph!! it's kinda insane to think about, really. I kinda assumed I'd be using forever and there was a time where I fully hoped that I'd never get sober and that I'd be taking mouthfuls of pills every few days. hell, there was a time I was tripping daily. but here I fucking am. I'm genuinely so proud of myself and everything I've worked for and gotten. a whole fucking year. I'm about to take a nap I might do something for a real celebration. I'll eat cake or smth. but damn. here's to the next year fr, gonna keep this streak going strong

#ratt squeaks

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latefrequencies · 1 year

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Everywhere At the End of Time got me to quit doing drugs of which dementia was a potential consequence and now that I’ve fully, like, accepted that that album was The Thing that got me to quit DPH, it feels So weird to just encounter it in the wild. It’s not upsetting but it’s Weird. Like Oh it’s you. No one else knows what you are to me. To everyone else you’re a meme. Not to me though.

#this has been a self related post #drugs /#dph days

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kiwiisdead · 10 months

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that last post made me think about this one time i did dph and i fell asleep

i did 450mg which for me is not really anything

but i passed out i cant remember if i dreamt i probably didnt idk

but like when i woke up

i felt all shit from the hangover and so i closed my eyes and then thought i got up and i experienced a whole fucking days worth of stuff. i talked to all my friends and it was super cool and then i opened my eyes and i was like "fuck" and it was 5 minutes later

rinse and repeat like 20 times

i have aphantasia and i could actually like see stuff in my head what

but yeah eventually i ended up passing out again after actually getting up and checking my computer

(dont use dph its bad for you)

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petits-pois-carcinogenic · 2 years

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I only sleep every three day these times i take so many stimulants. Im all fired upp started doing lots of ket and dph started being fucked up for real i am already in that. Place we all know who take mind drugs where i sit in a the forest the bonfire feels very realist im sitting with satan and im really like in the forest. My head is burning think its too much for me at the moment a hiss hiss i know its there come out an

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 2 years

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Ig this would be the.. intro? I dunno. It's just gonna be a storyline of how I ended up here. I'm sorry that it's so long

I used to be mildly into benadryl when I was in middle school. I took it a few times for it's intended purpose not thinking nothing of it but then I started noticing I like the drowsiness of it

Which led me to taking some damn near everyday before school. It wasn't anything crazy. I think the most I did was 50 mg. But most days it was the basic ass 25

My parents started hiding our pills after I opened up about a suicide attempt in 8th and up until very recently, we had no medicine at our reach.

I guess I wasnt that addicted. I was slightly salty but I moved on pretty quick. And after a while, I looked back at that time like.. oh WOW uh. That coulda been a problem. Least I dodged it? 😅

Wrong.

I'm now 19 (was 18 when all this first went down tho). I went to visit my mom for Christmas and during the trip I got a bad sinus infection. Tho I didn't realize that was what it was. She ended up giving me some of my younger sisters benadryl. It was. So fucking gross. It was liquid and it was not as potent since it was for kids so I had to take what felt like gallons of it.

By the end of the trip she told me I could just take the rest cause she didn't need it really and I might have issues again from being around all those ppl again on my way back

I didnt really think nothing of it. I liked the feeling but I wasn't thinking about going to my old ways at the time

But there was this day that I was just bored. And I saw the bottle staring at me. And I was just like meh. Why not?

Which is what landed me here. I liked it so much. I decided to buy some tablets on my own so I could do it again. My best friend used to abuse dph so she was casually telling me about some concoction she took that had her feeling nice and I decided I wanted to try it too

It hit me hard those first few times. I was taking random doses with loads of Tylenol. I couldn't tell you how much I took half the time. I would just be dancing around my room, chugging whatever energy drink i picked and taking em as I felt like it was starting to taper some.

Those first few times were. Very weird. My memory was so bad I was forgetting things mid thought/sentence. I had a really hard time talking to my bsf when I was gone off it. My vision wss lowkey blurry and I would be thinking about something and forget that I'm just THINKING it and it's not actually happening and by the time I look back down, ive texted her some nonsense

She used to find it funny tbh. She did warn me against using Tylenol frequently as she fucked her liver at the ripe age of 17 abusing that. So I decided to stop mixing and just focus on benadryl and monsters. Then I started to run out of money for energy drinks so I decided to just up my dosages so I'd feel good off of benadryl alone

I think by this point I started taking... 500? Damn near everyday. Once it was nighttime, I would get high. Unless I didn't feel like it or I forgot, I was high

I used to doordash it to me so my parents wouldn't get suspicious about me going places and only walking out with pills and drinks. But I quickly ran through sm money doing that. Doordash is expensive as is but after a point the packs I was buying would last all of a day or two.

By the time this was going on it was still all jokes and I still felt like I wasn't doing any harm. And she didn't either. We both got high together at one point. We just talked and did our thing til we passed out on vc. I believe this was around... February?

This is gonna seem random but. You remember how I said I visited my mom for Christmas? I got there by flight. But in order to get a cheap ticket I had to sit around and wait for my next flight. There was like... 10 hours of downtime. At the time, me and my best friend didn't talk for that that long. We'd play games together and vc, but usually once we got bored we'd talk for a bit more and say our goodbyes. But this layover junk had me scared. 10 hours is a long ass time. Someone could snatch me up or rob me. I dunno. I guess I was being paranoid

But I asked her one day if she minded staying on vc with me during it. And to my surprise she said yeah. I tried to warn her and shake her off the day of. She seemed sleepy and I was honestly nervous to be talking to her for that long. I thought she'd get bored and just be mad that she agreed

I've always been really antsy and was always worried about people being annoyed by how quiet I am. So I usually overcompensate. But with everything going on, I really couldn't keep up the bubbly thing for that long. I think by hour 4 I was done. My thighs stung from me wearing these jeans I had to pull up every 5 seconds, I was hungry but I didn't wanna eat in her ear, and I was really sleepy.

But even with all that said, it ended up being.. so fun. I wasn't even doing anything particularly interesting. But that's honestly what made it fun. Being on the phone with her taught me what comfortable silence felt like. It was... really nice to have someone I didn't have to worry about doing all that for. She didn't act any different towards me whether I'm on 1000% or being a hermit. She said she'd be there and she was determined to be there.

And while I didn't realize it at the time, I now see that day as when I fell for her. It iss. Kinda weird to think about now. To sum up the rest, we started talking way more; to a point where we were on vc for days and days at a time and we could go hours talking about whatever. Our families started to be familiar with us, to a point where they felt comfortable talking to me and vice versa. Those few months were amazing really

But ofc. All good things must come to an end. I didn't really realize it but she started catching feels as well. But, her girlfriend broke up with her. I guess its fair. We were always talking and shed forget to text her back being busy doing shit with me. She actually said she felt the same way towards me. But she decided that she should be focusing on fixing/proving herself to girlfriend even if that meant ignoring what all happened between us.

It still stings a lot. But at the time?? It was. A huge shock. I already was kinda letting go entirely in front of her. It had gotten to the point where we were always on the phone. So having her just like. Hey yeah I did say I love you and I do, but I love my girlfriend more so we can't talk like that anymore. I was sobbing. I didn't understand what I should do. How could she literally sit there and do all that and just.. boom yeah no more of that. I enjoyed it and you enjoyed it but we can't. I can't lose her

I felt so pathetic and I just wanted to stop thinking about it. Which led me to try to forget it with dph. And it didn't work. At all. I was still scream crying into my bed wishing I could go back to the not so complicated times of before. We were just existing. Enjoying each others company and doing what we felt like. But now, I have to worry about stepping on toes and being conscious of how often we speak cause her girlfriend will get upset if we talk too often

I couldn't even blame the gf tbh. It was completely fair for her to be upset. Which made it feel.. so much worse. I didn't know who to be mad at

And i just.. couldn't figure it out. So I kept going to dph. It got to a point where it wasn't even helping much. It just felt routine. This all went down late february/early march and between now and then, I was almost never sober. I'd stop for at most a few days. Then I'd start crying or something and go back. Not even entirely cause of her anymore. Just everything. I was so fragile. Anything that even mildly irritated me would make me want dph. Plus, it didn't help that I have been genuinely haviing big issues going on anyway.

Before all this went down, I failed a course and lost a scholarship that was the only reason I could afford the in the first place. So I dropped out. Or tried to. My uni's semesters were structured where there was 3 months of school and 3 months of work but none of their job opportunities were close enough to be feasible. So I technically was in school but.. not? I dropped out late february. And after a while of slow back and forth about that, by the time they finally let me out the school, they decided to drop the bombshell that the charges on my account were not for the winter 2022 term, they were from the fall. I'm assuming it's payment for the lost scholarship but I now owe them nearly 7k and they won't give me my transcript until I clear that.

I already had to borrow money anyway so I now owe... 22k? I believe? From one singular semester.

That all coming together is what made me spiral. I had learned that all about late april and I only had a week left to turn in my application for my next school. But now? No chance. I don't have 7k lying around so I can't prove I went to school. So i'm fucked. Least til Summer term

But, I think I'll be on the hook for my student loan soon. I haven't been in school since January. So it just. piled up. I never wanted to be here anyway and now I'm going to be stuck slaving working off my debt for something I was never really that interested in.

I was constantly high around this time. I'd usually wait til nighttime but then? I couldn't stand to be with my thoughts period. I was taking 600 and up everyday. Sleeping whenever and waking up, taking more, then going back to sleep.

Towards the end of this months long streak, I was planning on killing myself. I saw that if the student dies, loan debt would be cleared and I figured my uni wouldn't be pressed enough to hound the family of a dead ex student over 7k. I had it all prepared and everything and I was fully ready. I had bought a 1000 pill bottle of dph a little bit before all the stuff between me and my best friend went down and I still had plenty. I had gotten used to taking grams and up atp as well. So I figured all I had to do is take a few grams and wait.

But, I tried to give my best friend a heads up as in the past, I said I would. I didn't want to lie even if that did mean scaring her for the moment. I didn't say it outright. I was just being real ominous and telling her to find someone cooler if I take too long to be online again and shit. But omg.. It stung so hard to see how scared she was. I thought I was doing her a favor for letting her know that I possibly wouldn't be around but she was so fucking scared. And I felt horrible for it. Ofc, I know that is better than hitting her blind and lying. But yeah.

I couldn't go through with it though. There was so many times where I was going to but I was dreading not speaking to her. I hated ignoring her. And I just started thinking on if I survived. I'd have so much to explain to my parents. Plus, they'd be babying me for however long they end up doing that this time and they'd be watching me for a bit. I wouldn't be able to get high for a looooong time if I get caught

So I just. Stayed. Not really cause I want to but cause I don't want to deal with the consequences of me not staying. And in the meantime I got even more fucked off dph. I was getting to a point where I could barely feel anything below 300mg and I'd for the most part being taking shit in the 750-1k range. I think the highest I've gone was 1.25k? I dunno

But it got... really old. After you get into super high dosages the dry mouth thing turns into a lot more than just dry mouth. It became routine to be using eye drops 24/7 just to read texts cause my eyes were so dry they were making everything blurry. I'd feel so sick and sleepy for days after. And I was always so fucking thirsty.

So I tried to replace it with other shit. I tried to get back into dxm. I really liked it and that one time me and my best friend got high on it together made me chase that same feeling for a good while before I gave up on it and got back to dph. I tried to get back into it recently but swallowing all those damn pills is just. Too much. I tried delta 8. She really harped on it being good and she seems to really like smoking but for me? Delta 8 wasn't nearly strong enough for me to consider it a replacement to dph. I'd sit there and smoke all day and feel slightly different. It ended up getting used solely as a booster for when I took dph.

And that about brings us to now. I've gone a week here and there "quitting" benadryl but. I always circle back. I get really shaky and moody when I withdraw cold turkey so recently when I did it I made sure to taper instead. And it worked... relatively well. I was still was more irritable than usual but I wasn't ticcing so. Good enough

Uh is that offensive to say? I dunno. It's the firdt thing that came to mind. The first time I did it I kept jerking my head to left and I did it so much my neck was burning and cramping. I couldn't stop it unless I was in front of others out of fear of getting caught and even that was only to an extent. I couldn't control it at all and I couldn't sleep for 3 days cause my head just kept on jerking

I thought I'd be done for good after that last one tbh. But I was going to try dxm again cause I was falling off the deep end again and I wanted benadryl but I figured dxm would be a good replacement for the time being as I already had enough for 3rd plat on deck and I really don't have the money to buy anything else. So I took my usual nausea concoction so I won't puke up all the pills. 3 pepto bismol pills and a small amount of benadryl.

What I wasn't thinking of, however, is that my tolerance had greatly lowered since I wasn't taking high ass doses 24/7. at the time I was doing dxm regularly I was use to half grams of dph so 150 was really nothing

But that wasn't the case. I was waiting for the benadryl to kick in so that I'd know when I was good to get going with taking all 80 million of the damn dxm pills. But once the dph kicked in.. I really wasn't thinking about dxm anymore. It felt so good. I missed it sm.

I am. Kinda sad that I'm back to it. As I'm writing this I'm off a 3pm 200mg dose. It's really just the remnants atp but better than nothing ig. I've been trying to keep my doses as small as I can. But with that, I've been a lot more comfortable being high throughout the day so ig it aint that much of an improvement. It's gotten to the point where I'll take it when I'm out and about as well. I was just at the mall bout to pass out cause I decided to take some while I was there.

I just. I dunno. It just feels right atp. I'm so fucking sad all the damn time and this at least diverts my focus. I don't have to be sad about what a failure I've become. I can just focus on being sad about how sick I feel or how much I hate being dependent on allergy medicine. And people don't realize it but they prefer me high. I swear. Within the week I was off it I was told I looked sickly, depressed, and I bummed out my best friend a multitude of times.

I'm less self-conscious on it. I'm just so focused on staying up that it takes more effort for that sort of thing to poke through. So it usually doesn't. 99% of the pictures I take are when I'm high and everyone has been really glad I'm "getting out my shell" I've never been huge on pictures but. lol.

I've never really had too much off the hallucinatory effects benadryl is popular for. Ofc, I've had my moments towards the beginning but nowadays? Never. Unless I nap on it I'm pretty much normal. When I sleep uh. it gets fuzzy ngl. But all the shit about like. Hatman, static, spiders? Never. I just daydream more vividly and I do gotta put in the effort to not forget that's all they are. Plus, it makes music so much better. It's so nice to be able to listen to a song cause I like it rather than to drown out my thoughts. It makes all the basic shit just. Feel good.

Though, I know I need to stop at some point. I'm constantly dehydrated and I'm going to build a tolerance again. I've been good about not going over 200 lately but give it a week and I'm sure something's going to upset me to where I go over that

I'm going to use this page to go into specifics about my habit cause now that she's concerned about it, I don't want to talk to her on it more than I have to. So that will include, thoughts and feelings and possibly symptoms if I'm feeling up for it. It's mostly for me to keep track but if anyone wants to watch feel free.

Though, I'll say this much. If you are going to try and talk me out of it, don't. Not saying it like that but. I know what I'm doing is harmful. I already have an ulcer off the mere 5 months I've been doing this and my heart does it's own thing at times. And to the droves of ppl that love to scream oH sMoKe iNsTeAd!1!11! or jUsT dO dXm!!!1!!111!! pay for it and I will. til I can afford to casually drop the money to buy bottle after bottle of pills for dxm or the copious amounts of weed I'd need to replace dph, I'm just gonna do me and try my best. Sorry if that ain't good enough for yall as well.

#dph #benadryl #dph addiction #recovery?#vent #excessively long

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