Doom WADs’ Roulette (2002): Nimrod

And so, we reached the last partial/total conversion on the Doomworld’s top 10 WADs from 2002.

And honestly, I wish it was a better send-off to these.

#5: Ni'mRoD - IXNAY on the HOMBRE

Main author(s): Unholy Software

Release date: July 23rd, 2002 (original release)/September 11th, 2005(GZDoom update version, database)

Version(s) played: GZDoom update

Required port compatibility: Doom Legacy/GZDoom

Levels: 10

Okay, I know I sound kind of pessimistic, but my first impressions with Nimrod were, let’s say, not really good. Despite seeing many people praising this WAD, I’ve found many problems that my first playthrough made me feel like I don’t want to touch it ever again. But I’ll elaborate on that later.

So let’s see who made this WAD, shall we (don’t send any threats to these folks, people!)?

We have Kristian Käll, who created 2001’s Phobia (later turned into Despair) and was leading the project behind Nimrod.

We have Paul Corfiatis, who was the main contributor behind 2002 A Doom Odyssey (most of the levels and the soundtrack) and was one of the composers for this WAD.

We have Sam Woodman, the author of the (in)famous Alien Vendetta map, Demonic Hordes, who also made two tracks for this WAD.

And finally, we have James Haley, the man behind Eternity Engine, who helped with the FraggleScript for Nimrod.

There are still other people who contributed to the creation of this WAD. Check the nimrod_team text file, or the Doom Wiki page to get the full list.

As for the story, you play as the titular Nimrod, a UAC soldier that was turned into a cyborg, 30 years after the events of Doom II. You are playing poker with some buddies in an abandoned storage facility when all of the sudden, shit turns into the typical Doom WAD plot AKA you being the last survivor cleaning up UAC’s mess.

And as you progress through the WAD, you find out that this mess is happening due to the original teleporters. Not because they are working but because they might cause more shitshow for humanity. Now stored in a place/planet called ExDeus, you have to go there to blow up these junks to make sure nothing bad will happen with these being used.

What I like about this plot is that it’s not invasive. It doesn’t force you to stop to read some stuff about it as much as some of the other WADs that used this technic in the past. There is even a cutscene in the second map where you talk to another person and he gives you a gun.

What I didn’t notice during my first playthrough, is that in the second half, your commander can’t communicate with you, so he leaves messages inside of the GZDoom’s console command (and I wish that it was written how to use this mechanic in the textfile rather than thinking that I must press other keys to read the messages).

Let’s continue out with an even more positive note. This WAD looks very good. While it focuses almost entirely on the style of the oppressive, industrial-like factories/tech bases, sometimes its architecture looks incredible. Which says something since, as I said earlier, you start off in an abandoned storage facility.

Almost all of your weapons and most of the enemies got changed sprites. It’s mostly digitalized 3D models and they look fine. I don’t think I have any problems with them. The rest of the sprite work is also good.

What I don’t like, however, is that the maps are sometimes too dark. You will be walking around it until you end up in the room/area where you can barely see anything. God help the poor bastards who play this WAD and suddenly a little bit of natural light comes at their monitors and makes them blind as a bat.

Changing the subject into something more positive: the music. It’s also good. If some of you may notice that it seems to repeat itself, that’s because it has a leitmotif. And as for my favorite track, it’s called Angry Riots, Troopers Yell from MAP07 (despite the fact that I muted the music on my first playthrough ‘cause this map gave me a White Fever).

The sound effects were fine, I guess? I’ve heard some of these from Doom 64 (like the Dark 7 Duology) and these are always at least good. The rest of the sound effects were... well I wouldn’t call them bad but I feel like it all needed some additional work on them. The worst was the one where it resembled something smashing against the floor or ceiling and it sounds horribly bit-crushed, sounds too loud in some places, and is just downright terrible. Didn’t help that I had to listen to this one many times during my journey through Nimrod.

Believe it or not, there is an actual voice acting in this WAD (plus some additional stuff from the voice synthesizer). Mostly prominent in the first four levels. And the quality is mixed in my opinion. Nimrod and Havoc sound pretty fine, but the commander sounds like garbage. Couldn’t they just make his voice just a little bit bit-crushed instead of making him sound like a diet, HECU Marine?

Also, the status bar looks somewhat unreadable. I keep getting numbers wrong.

That’s all about the visual stuff from me. But what about the gameplay though? How does it feel to play Nimrod without focusing on combat and monsters?

Well, it’s more complex than the typical Doom stuff. It’s not just going from one place to another while looking for keys. You are given a task to do on most of the maps like blowing up all of the old teleporters in The Alpha Outpost, charging one of the batteries in The Twice Risen Starport, or overloading one of the machines in The Underground Sewer Facility.

This WAD is split into three locations. You start out on Phobos (where you spend most of the time here), then crash onto ExDeus, and finally end up near the nuclear missiles facility on Mars.

Sometimes you have to pick up an item to place it somewhere to go further, like the previously mentioned batteries and explosives. One of these items will actually lead you to the secret area if you know where to look (it’s in Crate Factory).

Also, you have to remember this thing: Jumping is important! It is required to go further to get an item or a key or get into a switch or something else.

There is one funny thing related to the old teleporters mentioned earlier, where you have to destroy the last one by using a crane to drop from a high altitude. It’s really funny.

But you know what’s not funny? How really complicated most of the maps are. To the point that during your first playthrough you might be thinking that you are playing the spiritual successor to Eternal Doom and/or Herian 2. And that you start cheating because you are sick of these.

Let’s start with the level geometry. Many of these levels feel like some kind of double-jointed Frankenstein’s monster of a map. Even if you know where you are supposed to go and what to do next, you will still get lost due to how levels’ gigantic amount of passages lead to the same room/rooms.

Stuff connected with items is more tolerable but not as much. I already mentioned the dark rooms where you can barely see anything, and I’m mentioning it again because it is also related to the items other than keys/parts of the human body. It doesn’t help that some of these items tend to blend with the environment of the room that is placed. You might even think they are part of a map itself, thinking that they are just an added detail because it looks funny but nope. They are pickable and required.

And let me tell you something. The Alpha Outpost might have my favorite music track in this WAD but it might also be the most overly complicated level in Nimrod. I’ve already mentioned most of the stuff earlier that adds to my dislike for this level but let me tell you about the yellow key. It’s in a watch tower, behind the yellow door. How do you get it then without thinking: Why did the author put the key there in the first place? You break the window near the door to get there... Yeah, something that might never come to your head when first time playing if you played already many WADs that don’t require something like that unless you watch/read a walkthrough on the internet.

...

You know, I should have gone apeshit at this point, but by now I think I’m starting to have a burnout from playing Doom WADs. I had to play one level per hour (or something close to that timeframe) while screenshotting keys’/secrets’ locations to not go insane.

Let’s change the subject. How hard is Nimrod? Well, it’s somewhere in between. Rather average. If you know where the items are along with the secrets, I don’t really think you will have problems with this WAD.

But it still has some bullshit sprinkled around, like fighting three Arachnotrons on the first map, the big groups of Hoovies in later levels (and placed in a dickish way), and new high-tier monsters that are in dozens in some of the maps.

And speaking of the new enemies, there are a few of these:

Instead of Zombiemen, you are now fighting Undead Guards, who will fire at you either like Zombiemen or SS-men. Other hitscanners are here but only Hoovies look different (along with Imps).

Pinkies are now bigger and black and they, like, propel fastly towards their target with their mouths. Also, they are using the name that will be used in the future by the infamous Sequel Trilogy hater: Longman of YouTube.

We have Badasses, green-colored cyborgs who shoot plasma at you, at a faster rate than spiders, and are worse than the hitscanners (same pain state chance as Barons I believe). I like to call them The Bruh Men since when they are awakened they say something that sounds like Bruh.

There is the red variant of these in The Underground Sewer Facility that you have to kill to rip his eye out to finish the level.

You won’t find any barons in this WAD. Instead, there are Archdemons, AKA Let’s make Arch-vile but without any indication that he’s attacking you and with a smaller timeframe to hide from his attack. They are bullshit.

Also, we have BAM, a huge cyborg that either shoots two Hellraiser’s blasts or hitscans your ass. He’s also bullshit.

So yeah, half of the new roster is basically Let’s make a new monster out of the old monster but more unfair to fight.

Do you at least have a good arsenal to fight them? Well, it’s hard to actually tell. Shotgun and Chaingun (now titled Panzer Bullet Chaingun) fire at a faster rate but that’s basically it for all of the weapons. The only exception is the previously mentioned Hellraiser, which kind of works like some kind of mini-nuke that obliterates every monster (including you) that is not Spider Mastermind or BAM. And in their case you need much more blasts than BFG to put them down, making this weapon obsolete on them (at least in terms of the Huge B8tch).

Even though the GZDoom version is playable and I didn’t encounter any bugs for almost all of the WAD, it can't be beaten without noclipping due to the one blue door in Shipping/Receiving/Spaceport.

For some reason, it requires a specific type of key to be open (keycard) but there is a problem: THERE IS NO SUCH A THING AS BLUE KEYCARD IN THIS WAD! Every human body part that you will find is slotted as Blue Skull. I even tried to summon the keycard myself and all I got was just some bullets. So basically, if you want to complete this level without cheating, then you are screwed. Other doors in this map don’t act like that (except the one that requires all three colors) so this piece of junk feels like an omitted game-breaking bug.

...

sigh

That was Nimrod, people. I had no expectations for this WAD, and I still ended up with mixed feelings about it. I can definitely see that it has a heart due to all of these 3D models created and this WAD’s plot trying to give you a reason why are you doing these things. The problem, however, is that it’s mostly unnecessarily complicated, sometimes cheap in difficulty, and downright unbeatable due to the one door in MAP06 if you want to play the entire WAD in one go.

Then again, that’s probably what happens when you try to create a Singleplayer WAD experience when started as a Deathmatch package idea.

And I’m glad I’m done with this WAD since I’ve played three WADs in a row (not counting the first Dark 7) that were either partial or total conversion.

Good news though, the next WAD on the list is not like the ones from the near past. The bad news is that it’s a Doom I WAD made by a guy who probably made the least enjoyable maps in 2002 A Doom Odyssey.

...

You know what they say: You win some. You lose some.

See you guys next time.

doctor doom should not be away from the fantastic four . x-men n avengers need to leave him alone he is an FF villain first second and last. use fucking kang or nimrod for ur own shit. he should first and foremost be getting his ass kicked by sue storm for trying to fuck her husband constantly.

Dante’s Hell: The bottom of Hell

Before moving on to the next parts of Dante’s Hell, I want to insist on something I haven’t clearly spelled out before… But in the poem it is make clear that Hell, the Christian Hell depicted by Dante, is the same dimension as the Greco-Roman Underworld. When Theseus and Hercules went into the Underworld, they actually just went into Hell – but a Hell that didn’t have yet all of the sinners it has now since, before Christ’s death, all souls went to Limbo and the other circles were empty, or merely filled with the mythological creatures we get to see in Inferno (Furies, Medusa, Cerberus, etc…).

 XV) The Giants

As our duo arrives at the end of the Eighth Circle, through the murky mist and thick darkness Dante identifies what looks to him like the great towers of a city… Only for Virgil to inform him that these are not towers, but Giants, who stand in the “Well” that is between the Eighth and Ninth Circle – their feet resting at the bottom of Hell and their bodies appearing at the border of the Eighth from the navel upward. Now, what does Dante means by “Giant”? Well, he uses this term to cover both the Greco-Roman “giants” (Giants and other affiliated big-sized monsters “sons of the earth”) and the Biblical “giants” (in the Biblical myth, it is believed that there were giants that existed in the early times of Earth, mostly but not all wiped out by the Great Flood), united here in their “evilness”, as both were seen as hostile, monstrous, destructive species that had to be wiped out. In Dante’s own words, it is because, unlike other “natural” giants like elephants or whales, which just had “brute force” and great size, these Giants had too the gift of “intellect” and an “evil will”, which made them true threats.

The first giant they meet belongs to the “Biblical giant” category – it is Nimrod, the man responsible for the creation of the Babel Tower, and the resulting divine punishment of not two men speaking the same language on Earth. Nimrod has a special punishment in this pit: he is now doomed to speak nonsensical gibberish no one understands, while not understanding the words anyone says – as a reference to the outcome of the Babel Tower. Whenever he is angry, all he can do is blow in some horn he wears around his neck, which causes a great, loud noise. The second giant the duo encounters is Ephialtes from pagan myths, who, for his “rebellion against the almighty Jove and the gods” is now bound with heavy chains twisting his limbs so that he may not move anymore – Virgil mentions Briareus is also suffering from the same punishment. The thing to understand here is that Dante (the author) creates a parallel between the Biblical and Pagan Giants: both are seen as figures that rebelled against a form of divinity and were punished for it. Dante identifies Nimrod’s Babel Tower, a rebellion against the God of the Ancient Testament, with the Gigantomachy and the various Giant rebellions against Jupiter/Jove, ruler of the Roman gods (and while Virgil name-drops the “gods” in plural, there is a clear focus on Jupiter/Jove, making him somewhat the Roman incarnation of the one the Hebrew would call their God). It is another attempt to unite the Inferno’s rivalling sources, Biblical and pagan traditions, with this very prominent concept of the Greco-Romans as being “proto-Christians”.

PLUS, Dante also places a high focus on the motivation of this rebellion: arrogance. Nimrod’s actions, with the Babel Tower, are highlighted as “prideful”, and the Babel Tower stays one of the most famous Biblical fables tied to “the pride before the fall” ; and similarly, Ephialtes’ rebellion against Jove is said to have been born out of an arrogance making him try to match Jove’s power. This all is meaningful in two ways… One, this makes the Giants aligned with the various fallen angels of Hell – who rebelled against God and were punished for it – especially with Lucifer/Satan, THE embodiment of rebellious pride and vicious arrogance, that is located right beyond the Well of Giants. In fact, many people have pointed out that Dante (the character) mistaking the giants for a “city with great towers” is meant to evoke the Walls of Dis, with their great towers, and filled by the various fallen angels and demons. Second, this shows that despite Dante stopping the “seven deadly sins” list at the Walls of Dis, seemingly forgetting the last two vices – he actually still has them in Hell. It is just that Envy and Pride are widespread among the various sins of Malice, and here the Giants embody these two vices perfectly well.

Virgil finally reaches the third giant and the one he wanted to see in the first place: one that can “speak and is not chained”, unlike the previous two, Antaeus (who is apparently in a similar situation to Tityus and Typhon. Virgil says  that these giants are not chained because they did not participate in the “rebellion of the sons of the earth”, aka Greek Giants, against the gods/Jupiter, but still went to Hell for their other various crimes – however, if you know your Greek myth, you know Typhon definitively would be chained… But Dante had a very medieval grasp of the ancient myths, through the prism of both exclusive access to the Roman texts and massive Christian readings of all these texts – so a very… bizarre grasp (the same one that makes him identify Briareus as “having rebelled against the gods during the Gigantomachy”, for some reason).  After bribing Antaeus with some flattery (Virgil promising that Dante will spread the giant’s fame and glory on earth, again some sin of pride here), the giant agrees to take them in his hands and lower them through the dark abyss that is the Pit/Well of Giants, so that they may end up in the ninth and last Circle of Hell…

XVI) The Ninth Circle: Treachery

We have arrived at the last of the Circles of Hell. The Ninth Circle. The smallest of them all, but reserved for the worst of sinners. We are at the bottom of Hell, where the devil dwells. Here, all the rivers of Hell pour into one giant lake, the Lake Cocytus (which IS the Ninth Circle, the same way the Styx marshes ARE the Fifth Circle). Cocytus is however constantly frozen due to the low temperatures and high, cold winds of the area – so you walk on ice rather than earth. This was Dante’s own little play on the very popular and widespread conception of Hell as a place of eternal fire and constant burning – a belief as much in actual Christian religion than in folk customs and popular art. He did play this concept fully with the City of Dis and other places of Hell – but for the very heart of the infernal realm, he decided to do a full reverse and rather have a land of eternal coldness and painful ice. An ice even said to be “more like glass” than actual ice, due to how it doesn’t crack or breaks in any place – it is a perfectly smooth, translucid “endless plain” of glass-like ice. And this ice is the punishment of the sinners, as they are stuck in it, unable to move, suffering the consequences of the extremely low temperatures and freezing winds.

And what is the sin of these damned souls? Treachery. Now treachery is similar to Fraud, in that it is the act of deceiving, tricking, cheating, lying, falsifying, stealing, etc, etc… BUT there is a big difference that Dante is clear about. Fraud is basically deceit towards people that did not place their trust in you. A thief steals from persons he doesn’t know ; a maker of false-money cheats out a system, etc etc… But Treachery, however, is what happens when you commit fraud on someone who expressly placed their faith and trust in you. It is betrayal, and for Dante it is the worst form of evil a man can commit, because while Fraud destroys the “bond of love” that is “natural” and innate between two members of the same species, here two humans, Treachery destroys a special, “extra” bond of trust and love that is not natural but rather made between two specific individuals – and thus to be cherished much more than the simple natural trust between two humans.

Similarly to the Seventh Circle, the Ninth Circle is divided into four “rings”, each of them covering a different form of treachery and betrayal depending on who was the victim of it – the outer ring being the “least worst” treachery, the inner ring the “worst of the worst”. Keep in mind that through this travel, Dante throws in some heavy commentaries about the own civil war, political struggles and social betrayals he witnesses and live through in his life, and putting this into context explains the specific hierarchy he makes here. The outer ring is called “Caina” (after Cain, who killed his brother) and is dedicated to those who were traitors to their family – they are plunged waist-deep into the ice, their upper-body bowing against the strong winds, their teeth constantly chattering. The second ring is Antenora (named after Antenor, the Trojan warrior who betrayed his city to the Greeks during the Trojan war), where the sinners are plunged neck-deep into the ice, their faces “purple with cold”, for they were traitors to their country, their city, or their political party.

The third ring is called Ptolomea (after Ptolemy who killed his father-in-law and brothers-in-law to a feast and killed them ; or maybe after Ptolemy XII for the murder of Pompey) – it is where the traitors to their guests, who broke the sacred law of hospitality, are sent. Only their face pokes out of the ice, constantly stuck contemplating the dark void above the circle, and the harsh winds making their tears turn into ice right into their eyes… Interestingly, by speaking with one of the shades there, the Pilgrim/Wanderer learns that Ptolomea (or Tolomea) is a specific zone of Hell where the souls can end up BEFORE their natural death (evoked here as the work of Atropos, one of the three Moirai/Parcae) – indeed, if someone ends up betraying by breaking the sacred vow of hospitality, sometimes their living souls ends up in Ptolomea while a demon from Hell goes to the surface and inhabits the body of the betrayer… As for the final, inner Ring, it is Judecca, named after Judas – the Ring of those who betrayed their lords, their benefactors and their saviors, punished by being completely frozen into the ice, unable to move. Some are parallel to the surface, other perpendicular with their head or feet up, some even have their bodies “curved” like bows... As all their love in its warmth and life had been destroyed in life, they are now frozen, mute and immobile in eternal coldness, forever…

 XVII) Lucifer

We’ve arrived. The very center of the Ninth Ring, the bottom of Hell. We have arrived… to the one call Dis, Satan or Lucifer. We have arrived to the one who’s fall created this crater that is called “Hell”. We have arrived to the Devil himself.

And… he isn’t sitting on a throne. He is actually stuck in the ice of Cocytus, like the other sinners here. He is stuck in the ice up to his chest, of such an enormous size that even the Giants of the Well could barely match the length of one of his arms, and all the wild, violent, freezing winds of the Ninth Circle, those same ones that keep the ice from returning to water? They are caused by Lucifer’s wings – six huge wings, similar to those of a bat (a parody of the six feathered wings of the seraphim, the supposed highest choir of angels) ; six wings that he constantly flaps around in hope of releasing himself from Cocytus, to no avail. It is something Dante really wanted people to focus on, and his own interpretation of the Christian Devil – he isn’t a king of Hell, he isn’t a true ruler of demons, Hell isn’t his private domain he can do with as he wants. We saw previously in the poem that most of the structure of Hell was ordered by the will and power of God, not by the Devil… Because the Devil was actually the first sinner sent in Hell, the first prisoner of the infernal realm. He is damned, like all of the others, and suffering for his betrayal of God. Dante particularly highly that by showing that Satan is actually constantly weeping… It is “his” Hell yes, as in his eternal punishment, not his “domain”.

Dante also added a very specific and unique aspect to his Devil. “Once the most fair” of all angels, now turned into a “foul” monster by his fall, Dante decided to have the Devil sport three faces on his head, each one a different color: one in the front, bright red, one above his right shoulder, colored a blend of yellow and white, and one other the left shoulder, the color of “the skin of those who live below the river Nile” (aka black). The decision to have Lucifer wear three faces is very clearly a way to show him as a perversion of the Holy Trinity, Christianity’s interpretation of God as manifesting simultaneously through three persons, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. The choice of three different colors for the faces has been a subject of debate for a very long time: what would be the meaning of this? Some interpreted these faces as embodying the fundamental sins and manifestations of evil (for example some read it as a manifestation of Aristotle’s tripartite evil as being made of Incontinence, Malice and Bestiality – Dante reused the first two for his Hell hierarchy, and while he mentioned the third category through Virgil’s word, it never appeared in the Circles of Hell) ; other rather chose to see the three faces of Satan as representing the three known continent and human populations at the time (the black face for Africa, made evident by the “Nile” remark ; the pale-yellow face for Asia, and the bright red face for Europe). But the most agreed on and popular theory rather points out that, if the three faces are a parody of the Holy Trinity, then each color must reflect a perversion of the three main features of God. Since God is All-Knowing, the keeper of truth and the highest wisdom in the universe, one face of the Devil represents pure ignorance (black) ; since God is all powerful to the point of omnipotence, a second face represents impotence (the yellowish white) ; and since God is the strongest and purest form of love to exist, the last face represents pure and undiluted hatred (red).

The Devil cannot actually speak because his mouths are full – in each of them is a sinner, that the Devil constantly bites, chews, munches and rips apart, not with his teeth but also with his claws. And the bloody saliva that drips onto the Devil’s chin from this final torture mixes with his tears as they drop to the icy ground of the Cocytus… Who are these sinners? Well none others than the worst traitors of all time, the very embodiment of Treachery itself! On one side you have Judas, aka the one that betrayed the Christ and led to his death – it does make sense that in a Christian Hell he would be seen as the worst of the worst, having betrayed basically God Himself… And on the other side you have Brutus and Cassius. You know, Brutus and Cassius. The guys who plotted to have Julius Caesar murdered. Now you might be wondering: wait, why is the betrayal of Julius Caesar on the same foot as the betraying of Jesus? And if you have been paying attention, you just need to remember what Dante’s mindset is. To take back an image which has been shared a lot on the Internet – Dante was a massive Ancient Rome fanboy. This is why he reused a lot of Ancient Roman literature and legends to create his Hell, and why so many figures of Roman history appear in his Divine Comedy. But to simplify this as just one’s man obsession would be a mistake, because the truth is that it was one NATION’s obsession. We are at the end of the Middle-Ages, at the early times of the Renaissance – an era where the Greco-Roman Antiquity will be “rediscovered” and heralded, among other things, as a golden age of humanity ; but we are especially here in medieval/Renaissance ITALY, which already out of national pride had considered the Roman Empire as THE golden age of Italy, back when it was the greatest and most influential power on Earth, and all Italians glorify this long gone past, or strive to return to it. And Julius Caesar, as the “first of the Roman Emperors” (he wasn’t ACTUALLY an Emperor but he was on his way to become one in all but name, and it was in his honor that the next, actual first emperor of Rome called himself “Caesar”, and that all of the other Emperors also called themselves this), was heralded as a great national and cultural hero, as one of the noblest and best men of Italy AND the founder of the greatest empire and best civilization to have ever been.  Dante here depicts the worst betrayals of history, on both a religious level (Jesus’ betrayal) and historical/civilizational one. This is doubled – well, tripled by two other things to consider. One, Dante’s personal conviction – having lived in a time of civil war and perpetual conflict between independent City-States, Dante hated to see a self-divided, self-destroying Italy, and glorified Ancient Rome as the “great united Italy”. The betrayal of Caesar led to, at least to his knowledge, big first “real” civil war that split Italy and the whole Roman nation into pieces – the civil wars concerned with Caesar’s succession. As such, he considered Brutus and Cassius as the first to have “broken” an unified and pacified powerful Italy. Plus, there is also a Christian conviction here – f you don’t know, the Roman Empire was one of the first nations to convert themselves to Christianity and make it an official, public religion. In fact, it was thanks to the Roman Empire’s conversion to Christianity that the religion could spread so fast so quickly, and it was thanks to the Empire that the very Christian Church rose up as an institution (and it was also because of the split of the Empire that the religion divided itself between Catholic and Orthodox). As a result, in the Christian mindset of the Middle-Ages and the Renaissance, the Roman Empire was seen as the first true Christian nation, and as having been formed by God’s will precisely as a tool and mean to spread Christianity across the known world. There is a whole logic in Christian cultures of the Roman Empire being a proof and manifestation of Providence, and the Roman Emperors having been tolerated or created by God in preparation for the arrival of the true heads of the Church – which is quite funny, because it is a paradoxical logic that also recognized how the fall of the Roman Empire was something also needed and ordered by God’s Will and Providence, due to them needing to pay for their pagan ways, their antagonistic role in Jesus’ time, and the whole thing of being the main persecutors of Christianity for a very long time… It is one of the many paradoxes of Christian culture, but let’s skip it over – let’s just say that for the Christian mindset of the time, the Roman Empire’s formation was seen as something approved and pushed forward by God himself, and as history of the time agrees, Caesar would have been the first Emperor and form the Roman Empire, if not for his brutal and tragic murder – which means, these traitors were seen as also killing a man appointed by God to do a very important and holy task favoring humanity, thus the parallel between Jesus and Caesar…

 XVIII) Getting out of Hell

Okay, so… our duo got the very end of Hell. Now… where do they go? In Dante’s guided tour through the afterlifes, the next destination is Purgatory, but how to escape Hell? Do they have to go all the way back? No!

You see, when the Devil fell on earth from Heaven, it formed a crater, right? It was because earth itself was so reviled and disgusted by the presence of the Devil it “fled” away as much as it could… And so where did all of this “fled earth” went to, as the big crater formed itself? To the other side of the world, where it formed a mountain paralleling the conic form of Hell. And this mountain, the “twin sister” of Hell, became Purgatory, a way to ascend from Earth to Heaven. So Purgatory is found at the exact opposite point on the Earth’s globe to Hell. And due to the formation of one creating the other, there are actually cracks into the very Earth that inter-connect the two – so Dante and Virgil merely crawls through one of these earth-cracks around Lucifer’s falling ground, to them cross throughout the globe to Purgatory.

There is only one thing… these cracks are where Lucifer fell. Aka, they are basically around Lucifer’s body. It is the fact his body got stuck into the earth that caused them. So… to reach them and travel through them, Dante and Virgil actually have to climb down Lucifer’s very own body. Doing so proves itself quite easy however, because Lucifer has a very hairy, almost furry body, and so they can cling onto the Devil’s fur to climb down and down into the Earth… and then up and up. Dante (the author) has a lot of fun playing with the physics of the world as they were thought at the time, and so while at first they go down, towards the center of the Earth, where gravity becomes stronger and stronger, Dante (the character) quickly says to Virgil “Hey wait… We are going back up! We are going backwards! We are in the wrong direction!”, only for Virgil to explain that no, they are going the right way. It is just that the center of the Earth, which is also the gravitational point of the planet, is located around where the Devil’s hips are, so by crossing this, the gravity reverses and so does human perception. While, from the flanks to the waist of the Devil, Dante had the feeling he was climbing down, starting with the Devil’s thigh, he now feels like he is climbing up, and he does – climbing up to the surface, to the other hemisphere, to Purgatory…

Hellion's (Julian Keller) life is shit

His parents disinherit him for an incident which he didn't even start (and generally had a low opinion of him even before he manifested his powers). He loses his girlfriend shortly after M-Day (his own fault), and many of his friends are killed during Stryker's attacks, including one of his best friends and teammate.

He does the right thing when Emma Frost tries to rig a contest to take out X-23, and just gets punished for his trouble. He's been gutted by Deathstrike, the Leper Queen turned him into a walking bomb with the Legacy Virus, Nimrods destroyed his hands (which have somehow never been healed untill krakoa) while helping defend San Francisco from Bastion.

He's punished for doing the only thing he could to stop Karima — at her own request no less — and treated like a monster by every senior X-Men despite them all having done far, far worse. Then his second sorta-grlfriend rebuffs him when he reaches out to her for help coping with what he's going through, and she coldly lies to his face about not caring about him anymore to break it off.(She was going through stuff)

Then he gets dumped into Spidey's remedial class because he's viewed as untrustworthy and likely to undergo a Face–Heel Turn. More recently, he's revealed as one of the mutants who has somehow been overlooked by Storm and her team sheltering in Limbo, infected with the M-Pox, and nearly gets himself killed when he decides to single-handedly attack Attilan reasoning he's dying anyway (fortunately Synapse manages to shut down his powers and saves his life). And in one alternate future, he's killed fighting in a world war sparked by Doctor Doom.

Pretty much any time he turns up, you can pretty much expect something bad to happen to him.

VERSES .

⋆ verse — to be a boy among the boys ( 1939 – 1954 )

canon . A childhood spent in the shadow of the Appalachian mountains – long summers, Little League, sweet tea, Sunday sermons – and a briefly awkward adolescence of braces and coltish limbs.  A child prodigy, they say.  He is a scab-kneed boy marked for sporting greatness.

⋆ verse — six cylinders underneath the hood ( 1955 – 1957 )

canon . Baseball was once his greatest love, but now he fixates on hot-rodding and his ‘Little Sweetheart’ – a Chevrolet Corvette that he spends his weekends diligently working on and his nights racing.  Royce has grown into himself.  He has motor oil under his nails, Brylcreem in his hair, and butane in his blood.

⋆ verse — all a ghost can do is haunt ( 1958 – )

canon .The end came sharp and sour, in a twist of shrieking metal and the lick of flames.  Murder, though he does not know it. Royce Clayton is dead, buried in a small plot overlooking the baseball field.  He has become a cautionary tale to the people in the town of Marshall, and his ghost is doomed to walk the earth.

⋆ verse — caged within jars like fireflies ( 1997 – 2001 )

Captured by wealthy explorer, collector and ghost hunter Cyrus Kriticos – with the aid of his psychic assistant Dennis Rafkin – Royce is transported to Pennsylvania and kept contained by Latin barrier spells.  He and eleven other spirits form the Black Zodiac, with Royce representing the Torn Prince.  Cyrus intends for the enslaved spirits to power the Basileus Machine, a contraption designed by a fifteenth century Italian astrologer while under demonic possession.  If successful, the device will open the Ocularis Infernum ( ‘The Eye of Hell’ ) allowing him to see all things, past and future, divine and damned.

⋆ verse — college is fun as long as you don’t die ( 1958 – 1962 )

Royce doesn’t die that fateful October night.  He lives to see prom, to graduate, to take up a baseball scholarship and move on with his life.  He still harbours a great love of hot-rodding, but baseball is his ticket out of small-town misery and he grabs the opportunity with both hands.

⋆ verse — it ain’t over ‘til it’s over ( 1963 – 1968 )

He did it, he made it, he’s finally famous.  Royce is a Major League Baseball player, his face is printed on posters and in the newspapers.

⋆ verse — when you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed ( 1969 – )

By 30 years of age, Royce is past his peak and his time in the spotlight comes to a close. Retiring from baseball, he starts coaching the up-and-comers – but it isn’t the same as standing in the home plate with a crowded stadium screaming your name.

⋆ verse — professional crash test dummy ( 1958 – )

Royce doesn’t die that fateful October night, nor does he seize the chances baseball presents. Instead, he follows his hot-rodding dreams, and goes on to become a sports car racer.  James Dean would be proud.

⋆ verse — we’re gonna be together forever baby

exclusive to @shellcrack . Royce Clayton is in love with Miriam Ross – the prom king has found his queen, and he is saving for a ring.  What started out as a jockish bet has ended in something serious, with the hot-rod playing for keeps, making big plans for them to leave their small town behind.  Whether they make it or not, Johnny refuses to get out of the picture.

⋆ verse — crazy fun park

A teenager from a quiet corner of North Carolina is offered a baseball scholarship in Melbourne.  Generously bankrolled by Henry Clayton, Royce and Johnny jet off to Australia to tour the university.  Following an argument, Royce is involved in a fatal car accident.  Many years later, a theme park is built on the crash site.  It thrives, it dies, and it collects spirits along the way.  Alternative premise:  Royce is attached to a vintage baseball glove or card which Violetta gifts Nimrod, unwittingly bringing Royce’s ghost to Crazy Fun Park.

Formerly known as the villainous Juggernaut, Cain Marko has undergone a remarkable transformation, earning a heroic spot among the X-Men. However, the precariousness of his newfound alliance becomes evident as he teeters on the edge of jeopardizing everything. In the midst of the tumultuous Fall of X era, Juggernaut's inclusion in the X-Men is not only sanctioned by his fellow mutants but also endorsed by fans worldwide. Yet, contrary to the celebratory atmosphere surrounding his integration into the mutant community, he finds himself entangled in a battle for the survival of his species.

In the upcoming X-Men #28, penned by writer Gerry Duggan and brought to life by artist Joshua Cassara, a gripping narrative unfolds. The preview showcases a startling clash between Juggernaut and his fellow mutant, Firestar. Recent events have cast a shadow of doubt over Firestar's loyalty, as she seemingly betrayed her teammates to the anti-mutant faction Orchis during the tragic Hellfire Gala, which saw the massacre of thousands of mutants. Unbeknownst to all, Firestar's apparent defection is a ruse, intricately woven by Jean Grey in her final moments using her telepathic powers. Regrettably, Juggernaut remains oblivious to Firestar's covert mission, and the forthcoming issue hints at a violent confrontation where he seeks to eliminate her.

The conflict between Juggernaut and Firestar serves as a poignant and tragic embodiment of mutant turmoil. Juggernaut's evolution from a bully and adversary of the X-Men to a valued ally in the fight for mutant rights is a testament to his personal growth. Paradoxically, he now stands on the precipice of assaulting Firestar, prompting the question: why this drastic shift in behavior?

Firestar, once a member of the Avengers, faced skepticism when she initially ventured to the mutant sanctuary of Krakoa due to her complicated history with Emma Frost, a prominent mutant leader. Manipulated by Jean Grey's psychic intervention, Firestar found herself thrust into the X-Men, a situation with an ironic twist given her refusal to spy for the Avengers. At the notorious Hellfire Gala, where Juggernaut's life was hanging by a thread after an encounter with Nimrod, Jean Grey's psychic manipulation continued. Fabricated interactions between Firestar and a fictitious traitor were used to orchestrate the downfall of the X-Men. Now isolated from both the X-Men and the Avengers, Firestar assumes the role of an apparent anti-mutant turncoat, a guise that seems destined to culminate in a brutal confrontation with Juggernaut. Regrettably, this clash threatens to awaken Juggernaut's dormant malevolence.

The complex history between Juggernaut and the X-Men is characterized by turbulence and transformation. While he closely connects with the X-Men, Juggernaut is distinct from mutants, drawing power from the Crimson Gem of Cyttorak and serving as its avatar. His history is marked by antagonism towards his stepbrother, Charles Xavier, and he once stood as a formidable adversary of the X-Men. Over time, he underwent a remarkable journey of redemption, evolving from antihero to bona fide superhero, even attempting reconciliation with Xavier. However, his belief in Firestar's involvement in the deaths of his new allies threatens to resurrect his old animosity and fury. Ironically, Juggernaut, now seen as a protector of mutant kind, inadvertently becomes a potent threat due to his quest for vengeance against Firestar, which could strip the mutants of their sole defense against Orchis.

Juggernaut's intricate association with the X-Men takes on a new dimension as he finds a sense of belonging in Krakoa. Yet, this newfound identity is precariously balanced, and his actions in the upcoming issue will determine his legacy within the X-Men. Will he be remembered as the reformed foe turned hero, or as a harbinger of doom whose anger and ignorance spelled the mutants' downfall?

Readers can delve into this gripping narrative when X-Men #28 hits the shelves from Marvel Comics on November 1st.

Frank, can you tell me a pun?

I'm sure this is not a complete list of puns but here are a few:

"boredom" as in "doom"

"revenge" (as in revenge pizza)

"bitch" and "trickle" (two concepts related to the way the internet sometimes treats the female half of the population in a way that might be more pleasant if the internet were more male-dominated)

"pimping" and "nimrod" (funny if you don't know both)

Comics this week ?

Knight Terrors: Superman #1 - Enjoyed it, primarily for Reilly's art, still nice to have Williamson continue his hot streak of Superman being a cut above his usual output quality-wise. Clarks' big fears being explored here of being alone and drawing villains to Earth were better choices to the cliché of Lois/Jon/Ma and Pa dying.

World's Finest #17 - Strong ending to an otherwise weak arc, again mostly thanks to the artist. Mora was unleashed here with all the fight scenes, you can tell Waid likes Kara because of how often she gets to participate in the fights. Newmazo ended up being a dud, boring character with a one note motivation that did not compare well with Hickman's revamp of the similarly motivated Nimrod. His defeat being the result of power overload again was commendable for trying to figure out a new method of achieving that, but it's still the same old cliché we've seen before. Least the upcoming arcs look more interesting, although it's funny Waid is bringing back Magpie for his retelling of the first Superman and Batman team up. For all his hatred of the Byrne reboot, he can't seem to escape Byrne's shadow. Looking forward to that, the Riddler/Phantom Zone story which will hopefully include a Superman villain, and of course Boy Thunder's return.

The Vigil #3 - Haven't seen such a neurotic group since Morrison Doom Patrol. Everyone is manipulative and working their own angle, which needless to say I love.

Blade #1 - Solid first issue! Action sequences were uneven, some of them were great and then there were a few panels like the one where Blade kicked the mattress that just came across as comical. But the idea of Blade getting played into protecting an ancient evil, and now he's gotta try and undo his fuckup is a great premise for this run.

"Primary chief bard am I to Elphin, And my original country is the region of the summer stars; Idno and Heinin called me Merddin, At length every king will call me Taliesin.

I was with my Lord in the highest sphere, On the fall of Lucifer into the depth of hell I have borne a banner before Alexander; I know the names of the stars from north to south; I have been on the galaxy at the throne of the Distributor; I was in Canaan when Absalom was slain; I conveyed the Divine Spirit to the level of the vale of Hebron; I was in the court of Don before the birth of Gwdion. I was instructor to Eli and Enoc; I have been winged by the genius of the splendid crosier; I have been loquacious prior to being gifted with speech; I was at the place of the crucifixion of the merciful Son of God; I have been three periods in the prison of Arianrod; I have been the chief director of the work of the tower of Nimrod; I am a wonder whose origin is not known.

I have been in Asia with Noah in the ark, I have seen the destruction of Sodom and Gomorra; I have been in India when Roma was built, I am now come here to the remnant of Troia.

I have been with my Lord in the manger of the ass: I strengthened Moses through the water of Jordan; I have been in the firmament with Mary Magdalene; p. 483 I have obtained the muse from the cauldron of Caridwen; I have been bard of the harp to Lleon of Lochlin. I have been on the White Hill, in the court of Cynvelyn, For a day and a year in stocks and fetters, I have suffered hunger for the Son of the Virgin, I have been fostered in the land of the Deity, I have been teacher to all intelligences, I am able to instruct the whole universe. I shall be until the day of doom on the face of the earth; And it is not known whether my body is flesh or fish.

Then I was for nine months In the womb of the hag Caridwen; I was originally little Gwion, And at length I am Taliesin."

hmmmmm

Where chiefest guard against my kisses to outnumber

Somebody who should supposed dismay; perhaps as     false borrow’d face, straight in her vengeance overwhelmed with his snaky rod did charm her nimble     feet, and the bird into flight, as

were he rested not till to Honour true: to prove     Clarinda’s fondest friend! Forms that they shoulders pure, and then to be singing in the larger     wove in small in paradise, my

silver body downward flies away fast, our hours     to crave, being other—since we learnt our meaning herbs in the midst of men and days most     people comes, a dull and speak the heart,

yet could you worship to its brink, and strange way, christ     brings troubled midnight meadow: a touch is enough.—Through in wretchednesse thy life doth live,     as they sang, and plantain, met from whom

I soon shall my lord Loues oene behest, with bulrush     and water than Phoebe’s sapphire visaged good fortune’s dearest love Truth and me.     Am I failing there. Till like a

year, in the bright-beaming summers back, but my cheek     began to mellow, as what it was full of pleasure press’d, by minist’ring slang, nor work     advanced, nor pale, to soothe your brand new

thing-a snail, a nest. Nor bent, nor broke, that had your     sight. But could be a worker in thy most serious ways, that heard her speech, and he makes     him weary. By Swift, by Machiavel,

by Rochefoucault, by his gracious acceptation.     But the two only darts of Loue, now with my lays, as Phidian lore. Or with fashion.     With a pained surprised along the gasping

furrowes thirst with horrors of thousand, for     what can give pleasure to spurn in careless sort the shrunk away, and excuse for our long     journey. He read and Doom: the hand that

from the Tweed, the sportsman beats in russet jacket:     lynx-like is his cheek in lines; a little din, for some virtuous deeds shall have touch’d on     were their tedious proud-heart sophist’s

spleen, communing with Bacchant coronals along     the path is but shortly plough or harrow shall pall them in a single life, but Pallas     for his sake, to be revenge me with

due respected, by-and-by ye do lie, poor girls,     neglected. Below his wings, and recall the annals of full many a stain, made with     awe; then faded, and led the old Man

young, whose tragedy divine and wake with awe; then     faded, and, faith, to their confounded a portion of champagne, with every prison doors!     And whether black or blue, is no great

as any garden of my own eyes in search of     friends, ’tis your last wet step before the power to place. Even Nimrod’s self might leave thy     fancies scum, and dresses, and whence came,

and reform, peace, but with true sight! The winged horses.     Then, as they could no distinction claim; in years he had wasted frame, all are but in the     pauses of these weird seizure came upon

me, the Prince, with desire. And sometimes a     single fabric that now is turned to dry, for such sights as thy fame; I hear them: knowledge,     so my daughter and his vainer trouble

with his flaring glass. Do I hear them: knowledge,     without knowledge is knowledge, without though it held no hiding-place for fear our rusty     gowns, but missed the pictured saint look like

a casque of scorching stag swept down wi’ right guid will,     at whatever I’ve to tell! And yet, to speak, and duty duty, clear as the sound of     dancing music, forfeits, all pass his

daughter, because his mass of the other Muses     that taste loues a lasse, that I would have different leaning. But I never should displeasing     heat revived, which the fayre flowre Delice.

Doom WADs’ Roulette: Revenant Awards 2003

RETURN OF THE DEMON KING – REVENANT AWARDS 2003 EDITION

Well... here we are. The tenth Revenant Awards I’ve made. And the last one related to Doomworld’s Top 100 WADs of All Time.

Even though 2003 has four WADs/MegaWADs that count as partial/total conversion, it was rather various in terms of the map amount. And there will be two awards that weren’t earned by default.

With that out of the way, let’s finish what we started. Starting with...

ONE MAN ARMY – BEST ONE-MAP WAD OF THE YEAR

Choosing the winner for this category was rather hard. In both cases (Helpyourselfish and Space Station Omega), we have a map that might leave a sour taste in your mouth after your blind playthrough but you appreciate it more each time you play it again. it doesn’t mean that these two maps are some kind of masterpieces. And it all comes down to choosing your poison for the rest of the day: Would you choose the map that is basically a typical ZDoom map/WAD of its time and thinks it’s something more than it really needs to be, or rather a map/WAD that knows what it is and what’s to give you fun but also being dickish in some places at the same time.

In my case, I might have a negative bias towards early ZDoom WADs but I would rather shoot nothing for half of a map rather than being smacked by Hoovies in cages as soon as I attack. So I’m giving the One Man Army award to Space Station Omega. It might suffer from the early ZDoom WAD syndrome, but after playing at least a few maps/WADs like this one, I can say that this one is closer to being good rather than bad.           

OFF THE WALL – BEST PARTIAL/TOTAL CONVERSION OF THE YEAR

In this case, we have three competitors (I’m not counting the RTC-3057 demo because, as I said in my review of this map, it’s a demo, and I would rather compare it with other WADs when it’s in its full potential for the lack of better words), all requiring ZDoom to be played properly and, of course, using the source port’s features to enhance themselves, for better or worse.

The second installment of the MassMouth series might have its moments where it looks impressive and/or has insane moments, but this WAD is the one that suffers the most from ZDoom’s unnecessary features. Not to mention some of the jokes falling flat on their faces even by 2003 standards. At least the voice acting doesn’t make it a complete chore to play through (even if I think Nimrod had better voice acting).

Void on the other head feels far less jarring and it’s some of the best ZDoom maps/WADs I’ve played (which is funny considering that this map and MassMouth 2 were made by the same person). Even the cutscenes didn’t feel as jarring and progress stagnating as MassMouth in some moments.

But let me tell you something folks. No matter how good Void is, the Off the Wall award will still go to Doom Raider: Crypt of the Vile. It doesn’t waste time on stuff like dialogue, or cutscenes. It uses ZDoom to enhance itself to go further into the fun zone, and even though one of its locations is now scuffed due to the later version of ZDoom and GZDoom, it is still a really fun map to play. It has my full recommendation.

OTHER AWARDS

And now it’s time for other WADs that earned their respective awards by default:

Pug-of-Pink award (2-7 maps) goes to The Brotherhood of Ruin. A treat for fans of ancient architecture, and even if you don’t care for these, you will probably still have fun while playing this WAD.

Golden Spider award (episode replacement/8-9 maps) goes to Phobos: Anomaly Reborn. Another banger made by Christopher Lutz, that not only looks great but is also fun to play and has at least one unique thing per map. Also, it makes Spider Masterminds shoot plasma. This is one major upgrade from the Classic Doom games.

And the Full Deck of Diamonds award (30-32 maps) goes to Scythe. A small, but creative MegaWAD when it comes to difficulty, splitting itself into three episodes, where you can start with whichever you want, each being harder than the last. Run From It can screw itself though.

CONCLUSION

And that’s all for today. And congratulations to the winners of the 2003 edition of Revenant Awards.

Now you might be thinking that now it’s finally time to take two weeks' worth of a break before starting making a review for Doom 64. But the truth is, Phobos: AR still has four maps known as SubP:AR. It will be funny to take a look at these. It is also a perfect excuse for another day of break to have more time to play Official Classic Doom Addons.

See you next time folks.

Bye!

Grow Series - 3 in 1

Grow Series – 3 in 1

Coming from the Man who “Demystified the Betrayal of Christ” and “Nimrod and the Tower of Babel” – Ebarim Godsend. Maximize Your Unfair Advantage … Speed Up … Becoming A VIP … Your loss is their profit, and your sweat their sweet. Your pain is their gain, and your fall their rise. Your doom is their boom, and your gloom their bloom. Our Creator isn’t just the God of second, but of many…

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GOP could doom itself

GOP could doom itself

Were I to rub a crystal ball and seek to predict the outcome of the 2022 midterm election, I might come up with … The notion that the Republican Party is going to nominate enough certifiable fruitcakes to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Take the leading GOP candidate for Arizona governor, Kari Lake, as one example. The nimrod whom GOP voters might nominate has declared that she won’t…

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Ni'mRoD: IXNAY on the HOMBRE

Game: Doom II Year: 2002 Source Port: Legacy (see full review for obstacles encountered when playing in (G)ZDoom) Specs: MAP01-MAP10 Gameplay Mods: New weapons, new monsters Author: Kristian Käll aka “Kristus”, Markus Sundén aka “Nimrod”, Kurt Kesler, and Michael Niggel idgames | doomwiki | onemandoom

The new Earth government always anticipated that another demon invasion might happen. To this end, they abducted a bunch of infants and then prepped them to become cyborg super-soldiers. The “DooMs” were stationed all over Mars and its remaining moon in the belief that the next assault would happen there. And it does. Except this time, instead of a bunch of possessed ordinary humans, it’s a horde of biotechnic warriors. Great! Great and good. You’re one of a few who were not possessed and must battle your way across Phobos and Mars to stop the invasion and to keep them from using the weapons of mass destruction that the government in its infinite wisdom interred on the planet. Their target? Earth, naturally.

Nimrod is a cool episode that’s part cyberpunk and part Quake II. I imagine the latter is owed to the construction of the military facilities and the Fragglescript that sort of gives you mission objectives. They all look pretty freakin’ cool, though - don’t let the spartan “Deserted UAC Storage Facility” (MAP01) fool you. What you need to watch out for are reams of hitscanners owing to the nature of the former Earth defense force and altered monster behavior. The demon is capable of charging you, lost soul like, even chasing you up elevators. There’s an archdemon, too, which replaces the arch-vile. It’s a bit slower and can’t resurrect monsters but has a fast windup time on the explosive attack. I’d prefer the arch-vile, myself. Oh, enjoy the voice acting, too.

Click here if you’d like to read my full review.

Wind der Freiheit | Venti x Reader

Making a Dandelion Wine flavored cake is a lot harder than you thought it would be.

note: yahoo~ past elli here and this is the first post for the twin bards’ bday event! this was written on june 13 and a scheduled post so it’s either im wide awake or fast asleep for their bday but here ya go!

artist: mizuamememe

word count: 2.6k

           Today is the day. You never thought the day is finally here and you’ve been always waiting to celebrate this with a certain bard. Taking one final look at your work, you take a step back to see the whole masterpiece you have baked to give as a gift for Venti.

            June 16. It is Venti the Bard’s birthday. The all three-time winner of the most popular bard of Mondstadt. The bard who always goes to the tavern, Angel’s Share, to get wasted from drinking the city’s most beloved and well-known Dandelion Wine. Heaving a sigh, you looked down at the cake that was designed with vanilla and mint icing and a message that read as “Happy Birthday!”

            This was your very own special and original recipe of a Dandelion Wine cake, or as what you’d rather call it, Wind der Freiheit. To think of making a wine a flavor for a cake recipe was something you haven’t done yet so this was a big challenge. And yet you fear to know what this cake would taste like. 

            These past few days, you’ve been baking day and night to make the perfect Dandelion Wine flavored cake for Venti. The first three batches were fine with you but as you continued to bake and bake again, you eventually got a little bit tipsy when taste-testing your cakes. With your poor alcohol intolerance, it was hard for you to continue baking and that’s when you decided to call over some acquaintances who can do the taste testing for you. 

            Kaeya, the Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonius, was your first choice and he was happy and honored you picked him first to judge your product. He only got to taste it once, saying your cake was a bit too sweet, but he has to cut off his time with you to continue working as the Cavalry Captain. You appreciate that he helped you with this but you never asked him again since he’s got more important things to do than taste testing.

            Your next choice was Charles the Bartender. While he works in the tavern, you give him your baked goods as a snack then ask for his opinion.

            “It’s a bit bitter and the taste of the Dandelion Wine is so strong in here, but if you’re going to give this to someone I suggest lighting up the flavor a bit to also capture the sweetness of your cake.”

            And so you followed his suggestion. Maybe just a cup of the wine should suffice and three cups of powdered sugar for the frosting. Giving the slice of cake to him, a drunkard suddenly came barging into the counter and eyeing the dessert.

            “Oh? What’s this? You got a new product with you, Charlie?”

            “Nimrod, go back home before your wife sees you staying here again.”

            “Oh shush. Hey girlie, mind if I take a bite?” 

            Blinking at this familiar stranger, you shook your head and gave the plate and fork to him. As he put the dessert in his mouth, Nimrod spat out the food and bangs his fist on the counter, begging for some water.

            “What in the world did you put here?! It’s too salty!!”

            Salty? You were sure you only put half a teaspoon of salt in it. With furrowed brows, you took a small bite of your own dessert. The volatile and bitter flavor running through your taste buds made you want to rush out and get some water to drink away the bitterness and saltiness ruining your tongue. 

            “B-but how… I’m sure I’ve put half a teaspoon of salt in here… And the powdered sugar should—“

            That’s when you realized you might have mixed up the baking soda and the powdered sugar’s measurements. You felt like your world was dooming when Nimrod stomped out of the tavern and complained about the tavern’s menu, garnering everyone’s attention. They were all murmuring and whispering at the commotion then looking back between you and Charles.

            Feeling guilty that you might be ruining their reputation, which it kind of did, you looked for a different person you can ask for help but not before ordering their entire stock of Dandelion Wine to make sure you don’t run out as you experiment some more.

            And your third choice was,

            “Aether, are you sure you don’t mind judging this for me?” You looked at him with firm eyes, fists resting over your hips as you questioned him. 

            “W-well, I am 500 years old…” His tone just made it hard for you to trust this outlander. It was like a kid pretending to say he’s legal to drink. Sighing for an umpteenth time this day, you stared at his little companion floating next to him to make sure what Aether was saying was true. She only shrugged her shoulders and glanced at your cake.

            “I mean I know I look young but I’m a lot older than I look.” Seeing your hesitancy in handing him over the cake, he sighed in defeat and rubbed the back of his head. “If you still won’t allow me then I know a perfect person who’ll judge it.”

            “No, it’s fine. Time is running out and I need someone to taste this for me if I still need room for improvement.” Passing over to him the fork, Paimon’s eyes sparkled and looked at you with pleading eyes.

            “Ooh! Can Paimon take a bite as well?!” 

            You glanced over to Aether and tilt your head. “Can she?” And just like what Paimon did, he shrugged his shoulders before letting the soft dessert enter through his mouth. The flavors were familiar and comforting as if the breeze of the wind just rushed past through him after taking a bite. He could eat the entire cake as if they were the most divine food ever conjured. 

            The sweetness and refreshing taste of the wine mixed with the cake’s sugary flavor that coursed through his tongue was a match made in heaven. Aether hummed in delight and looked at you with bright eyes. 

            “Woah, this is perfect! The flavors had a brightness as if in each bite were tiny brilliant hot air balloons, ready to escape into a blue sky. The aroma of cereal is like the wind in the sails. If it were like that then the essences were the full body of the boat!”

            Your smile went big and wide, excited to discover you’ve finally succeeded in creating the perfect dessert. “R-really?! You’re not just sugarcoating your words, right?!” 

            “Of course not! This really tastes good and if I were honest with you, I actually want to eat more of it.” A sheepish laugh came from him and you giggled at his honesty, flattered and delighted to know he enjoyed what you had baked.

            “I think this settles it! I should go to Starsnatch Cliff now—“

            A loud belching resonated around the kitchen causing you and Aether to stop chatting. Following where the source of sound is leading, you blinked several times and let out a petty sound of huh when you see an empty plate in front of the table.

            “Oh wow, that was… that was really delicious! Paimon wants more of this cake! Hey Aether, maybe we should try asking [Name] for the recipe so we can also try this out on our travels!” 

            Several crumbs of mint-colored pastry were sticking out on the corner of her lips. She licked them off and laid on top of the table, her stomach heavy and full from eating the sweet treat. Another loud and long burping slipped from her mouth as she rolled her body to the side and spread out her short arms and legs, all sprawled out and without a care if the two humans were looking at her with wide eyes.

            You felt your world was shattering into pieces as if all your hopes and dreams were gone right before your eyes. All the effort of baking that perfect cake has disappeared in just a second. Aether glared at his companion and scolded her. “Paimon, that was supposed to be Venti’s! We’re only here to taste test a small portion of her cake, not eat the entire cake!”

            “What…? Paimon thought [Name]’s going to bake another one?”

            “If it tastes different! That was already the ideal cake she was going to give to Venti!” Aether pinched the bridge of his nose then looked at you apologetically. 

            “[Name], I’m really sorry about this emergency food here. W-we can still help you in making another one!”

            Pulling yourself together, you nodded and ran to the cabinet to take out the necessary ingredients. 

            “Oh no…”

            The two companions looked at each other then back to your figure who was motionless and still in front of the cupboard. “Um, Paimon doesn’t like that tone…”

            Catching the panic look on your visage, he prepared for the worst when you sniffled and took out a box. 

            “I’m out of cake flour.”

            “We can still buy more at Blanche’s shop!” Aether reassured and just as you were about to list down the other ingredients you needed, a heavy sound of a door banging open made you jolt in surprise.

            “[Name]!” The yell was a cry, a voice you recognize very well and it just further made you distressed that he came at the wrong time. Venti was standing there with a big smile on his face and a basket in his hand. Then the bright grin faltered when he saw Aether and Paimon were also with you.

            “Oh?”

            “Uh…” 

            A small sob slipped from your lips and you tried so hard to hold back the tears to fall out from your eyes. “Venti…” You wept and mopped the small tears with the back of your hand. The bard was quick to rush to where you were standing and pulled you in a hug. He’d never seen you so hurt and upset, and though he doesn’t know the reason as to why the first thing that came to his mind was the pixie and the traveler.

            A look of great bitterness swept across his face as small enmity boiled inside him. His hold on you was protective and firm, holding you close against his body but just before he could question the two what they did to you, you grasped on his wrist to catch his attention— which was a success.

            “Sorry, I just panicked when I saw you enter.” 

            Venti’s eyes softened and cupped your cheek. His thumb running across your face to dry out your wet stained face. “What’s wrong? Were you preparing for another surprise for me?” 

            The forlorn gaze and nod of your head hurt his heart. Despite being told to meet at Starsnatch Cliff, he decided to go there with you instead of waiting alone. A melancholic presence painted across his face but it shifted to a brighter one to lighten up the mood.

            “Hey, it’s alright. I still don’t know what surprise you have in store for me.” He softly pecked your temple and laced your fingers together and though he already attempted to make you smile, the gloomy aura you have bothered him.

            “That’s the problem… The cake is... it’s gone.” You fiddled your fingers and shied away when Venti remained silent. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Paimon and Aether sneaking out of the room to give you and Venti some alone-time together. Perhaps it’s the best yet he still needs to inquire with them if something happened when he was away.

            “Cheer up, love. We can bake together to make another one. But I must say, I also have a small problem with me, ehe…” He scratched his cheek out of nervousness and that strained chuckle made you look at him in concern. 

            Clearing his throat, he raised the basket for you to take a peek inside. “I was planning to take a bottle of wine with me for our picnic date but when I went to the tavern they said they ran out of Dandelion Wine. The bartender even told me someone took the entire stock! Now, who in the world would be so selfish to take all the goods with them?!” 

            The small huff from him caused you to giggle, surprising him. Seems like Venti still doesn’t know who was the culprit for taking his favorite drink. You encircled your arms around his waist and glimpsed at him under your long lashes. Your lover was completely magnetized by your eyes. His hand rested on your back to support you and have you lean against him.

            “Well about that, would you believe me if I said I was the one who bought it?” His eyes widened and he leaned forward to take a whiff of your scent. The familiar sweet and grain-like aroma wafted through his nose and he stared at you with a gaped mouth.

            “I’ve been making a Dandelion Wine flavored cake for your birthday. Of course, there would be several failures here and there and experimenting which combination will fit for the flavors that’s why I took all of it.” Your explanation had him laughing at your story and it’s not that because it’s silly. It just really sounds like you, always doing your best to achieve your goal and to create the perfect masterpiece.

            “You should also buy the entire industry,” Venti joked and pulled you to the counter. He put down the basket on the floor and stood behind you, hugging your waist and resting his chin on your shoulder.

            “No thanks. You’ll drink everything there and Mondstadt’s economics will be in grave danger.” With a grin he pressed a quick kiss to your lips, pulling away before you had time to react. “Aww, but I would never.” You raised your eyebrows at him in disbelief and slight amusement.

            “Okay, maybe a little.” His lips met yours again, more passionate this time. “But even if I do drink them, I’d rather drink something else.” Another kiss. Venti turned you around to face him, chuckling at your surprised appearance. “And if I snuck in to take a bottle or two, I wonder what will you do if you catch me.”

            He had you pressed against the counter, cornering you between him and the worktable. His lips ghosted over yours as he pressed his knee between your legs, voice lowing to a whisper, “Does this feel familiar?”

            “You know I usually wouldn’t be opposed to this,” you started, gasping as his lips found their way to your neck, his leg pressing harder at the area between yours. “But don’t we still have something to do? You said you'd bake with me…”

            His teeth gently bit down on the exposed skin of your collarbone, causing your breathing to hitch. There was no doubt it was going to leave a mark, but that was exactly what he wanted. Venti ran his hands down your body, allowing one to trail underneath your shirt. “Change of plans. It’s not like your kitchen or our date place will run away. Or… do you want me to stop? Because I will if that’s what you really want.”

            He began to pull away, a teasing smirk on his lips, but you just tugged him closer. Your mind was in a haze, eyes half-lidded as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders.

             “No, don’t.”

            “Alright, anything for my princess,” he purred, kissing you once more. This time it was rougher, almost needy, as your hands found their way to his hair, tangling in his short onyx locks. You playfully gave his hair a gentle tug, eliciting a quiet moan from his lips. In response, his free hand traced downwards, teasingly rubbing at your inner thigh.

            Date and baking can hold, while this one— your lover just wants to spend quality time with you. Ignoring the fact that the two companions were still inside your home.

Clayton is the one holding the last braincell between all the hunters, if he messes up they are all doomed

(I see you with Monty as your profile pic! I'm not in the fandom but I wanna be, for him! XD He's cool beans. )

Hahaa XD I can see that! Like, McLeach is doing something stupid and 'masculine' (Our man is just not very bright- can you blame him? He only finished third grade!), so then Gaston joins him because obviously he is the manliest man, Rourke sees the dangers but encourages it because they will fail and he will laugh... which leaves Clayton to assert his dominance (And show off the ~superior intelligence~ of a British gentleman as opposed to that of a feral Australian, an uncouth American, and a Frog.) who chases them down and tells them to get off that bleeding cliff- have you nimrod's learnt nothing-

Does Shere Khan count? Because I feel like he's watching and laughing also, thinking what perfect idiots these humans are XD He is a hunter, but then again he probably shouldn't be present anywhere near this particular group.

So yes- if Clayton takes a holiday (Probably leaving Rourke in charge for some ungodly reason) he better come home with tombstones because everyone died.