omg its like crazy how rough these past few days have been or like past week...Like what is this...and i have to potentially get my tooth pulled in a few days...well really idk what theyre gonna do...its gonna suck though

mgg request: snuggling on the couch and getting bored. so u start playing with fingers, and then u just decide to suck them. u feel him slowly start to grow hard, so u suck harder and grind into him. next thing u know u are straddling his thigh. he makes u get off on his thigh a few times before he will let u ride him. once u start riding him he switches the hand from ur mouth to ur clit, thinking youre done sucking his fingers. however u grab his other hand and start sucking. im a WHORE (SORRY)

what do you do when one of your fav person in the whole world send a blurb idea? you give them your all of course, seriously i went into town for this one and i hope you like it love! shsjsk as always thank you for requesting and being my fellow mgg whore! enjoy!

WARNINGS : um.. SMUT! filthy detailed smut, its literally pwp, oral fixations, daddy kink, name callings (degradation), condescension, orgasm control, over stimulation, thigh riding, Dom!Mgg x Sub!Reader, mention of wedding, slight breeding kink, mention of exhibitionism, just whole lotta filth y’all no joke, mgg got me feel some type of ways by that i mean constantly whoreknee.

MASTERLIST OF ALL MY WORK.

It was a particularly sunny day, right from the moment you woke up this morning, you could feel how terribly hot it was but you quickly diverted your thoughts as soon as your eyes landed on the sleeping figure next to you, and you instantly felt the need to grip your pillow tighter, biting your lip at the sight.

Quarantine days is both a blessing and a curse for you and Matthew, the amount of time you get to spend together pleased you both to no end, the endless talk about certain things, the late night food deliveries, cooking together, even making stuffed animals together which is one of your favorite things to do with him because you love them cuties so much. But what’s so great about quarantine is of course the sex, the endless amount of sex all over the house, You’ve done it in the shower, bedroom, kitchen counter, dining table, on your living room, even the car multiple times after grocery runs— time doesn’t really matter either, it could be at night, mornings, afternoons, even god damn 3 am. If Matthew is up for it then i’m up for it, the same goes for Matthew too, if You’re up for it then he’s there in an instant. So lets just say that you’ve been needy all the time.

There he was, laying down on our bed, with only a flimsy boxer that barely covers half of his thighs— the sweat glisten across his chest and you can see the purplish marks you’ve managed to gave them last night are still prominent, the longer you’re looking at him, the more you want to wake him up and just fuck like rabbits all day.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” Matthew chuckled as he opened his eyes to meet yours, licking his lips and press his palm on top of your cheeks . “Good morning too creepy stalker, how long have you been awake?” he said as he caressed your skin gently, you can feel his thumb pressing over your soft skin.

Before you were about to answer, your eyes catches a glimpse of his long fingers— now Y/n has always been fascinated with his fingers, there’s just something about it that gets her going, the memories of what it can do always floods her thoughts, like that one time where he fingered her in the middle of his annual family dinner, or that one time he had to make sure you were stayed quiet where he fucks you on a trailer with his cast mates all around, or the random times when he choke you, or stuff his fingers down your throat, or curled them up inside your cunt, everything about that man— your man is perfect down to the last detail.

“Someone’s thinking about something hm? care to share baby?” He keeps his thumb on the edge of your lips knowing damn well that if it inch closer upwards, you’ll surely suckle on the digits— and he won’t have that, not yet.

“definitely not thinking about you old man...” now that, that pushes his buttons like nothing else, your age gap is something very.. peculiar about you two, not far enough that its illegal but far enough for people to raise an eyebrow when they found out— not that you care about stereotypes, neither does he, you both love each other and you’re not breaking any law that’s enough. It even fuels up your relationship, makes everything much hotter, when it feels slightly wrong in the eyes of others.

“ah.. so if i push my fingers down your pretty little cunt, i won’t find you soaked through for me?” she clenched her walls around nothing at that, feeling her wetness dampening the small panties she’s wearing— god she wants him right now but its so good to push his buttons like this. So you rolled your eyes at him, sticking your tongue out before getting up and went to the shower.

You expected him to come chase you, but to your half disappointment half excitement— he went downstairs, sitting on the couch, and enjoying his morning tea. You knew what that meant, he’s mad, mad and turned on. Perfect. After you finished showering, you went downstairs to where he’s at, dressed in one of his oversize thin sheer t-shirt with no panties or bra underneath.

You instantly straddle his hips as you sat down on his lap— directly on the bulge in his boxers before you purr in Matthew’s ear “I’m sorry daddy, i didn’t mean to be such a tease, i just! want you!” you whined, tone bratty as you huff and pout your lips.

God Matthew is a patient man, but when it comes to you looking fuckable and needing to be taught a lesson like this, he has no fucking choice but to give you one.

“You knew better than to push me like that, little girl. Such a mindless baby.” he scoffed, his tone sending warmth down your cunt and you whimpered, before grabbing his wrist to press his thumb on top of your lips and suckle on it— its both calming and exhilarating.

“you and your oral fixations, what an innocent looking baby— but you’re not aren’t you? knowing full well how to get daddy going, so you came down the stairs wearing my shirt and nothing else. Act like a big girl but when i get my hands on you, you’ll just squirm and purr like a dirty little whore.” He can’t blame you- he surely can’t blame you that you begin to grind your bare cunt on his lap as you suck his thumb harder after he said those things.

He lets out a laugh as he sees how desperate you’re for him, grinding your cunt on his thigh practically riding it, as your cute little mouth almost gag on his thumb. Perfect little thing. Your eyes shot up to see his when his fingers goes up to pinch your nipples alternating between the two, pinching and tweaking it knowing how sensitive you are.

“Mmm! daddy!” You moaned through his lips, arching your back and move your hips faster, feeling him bounce his thigh couple of times just to hear you yelp. “Here’s what we’re going to do, you’re going to ride my thigh until i tell you to stop and maybe just maybe i’ll let you ride my cock, we have all day baby, this is what you’ve wanted isnt it?”

You whined out loud as your eyes brimmed with tears in clear desperation, you and Matthew have done this long enough to know that Matthew has a patience that goes on for miles. He could wait even though his cock is practically bursting, he could wait until he sees you all limp and overstimulated— and being a sensitive girl that you are, you know that you’ll be a mess once he’s done with you.

“oh and baby, you can cum whenever you want to..” He said, pressing a kiss on your forehead as he unlocked his phone and scroll down, not paying attention to where you’re literally riding his thigh and sucking on his thumb like a bitch in heat.

The dismissive attitude should offend you, but if it does anything, it riles you up even more— the way he can stay calm when you’re a mess that has come over and over again just by grinding against his thigh turns you on to no end. You continued doing as he commanded and you’ve been doing it for more than 45 minutes (you could swear its actually an hour) when he decided he’s seen enough, pulling out his thumb from your lips before using it to found your clit and give it a slap, rubbing the over sensitive button fastly. “Oh! oh Matthew! mm- ah i’m please need your cock!” Your body shake on his thighs as you let out your 5th orgasms this morning, your toes curl and your head slumped against his shoulder as he praises you “That’s it, my good girl Y/N, i love you.”

As much as you love your daddy, your Fiancé is the one who truly owns your heart and soul, so you droopily gaze your eyes at his underneath your lashes, grabbing his other hand and suckle on his other thumb earning yourself a chuckle from Gube. “Your mouth always needs something to fill it up, doesnt it kitten? greedy little thing” He shakes his head as he use his other hand to pull out his cock, you never knew that cock could be pretty until you met him, His cock always makes you want to cockwarm him all the time— the skin is veiny, its not too long but its big.. stretches you out so good that has you limping the next day, and the tip is ruddy red- pre cum spurting from the top. Fuck, you want him to pound your throat then and there.

“Shh shh, sweet girl, let me do all the work this time yeah? just suck sit pretty and suckle, be my good doll.” He whispered before pushing his cock into your warm wet tight cunt, causing you to jolt at the over sensitivity and moans out loud, “Thats it, take it little girl, being such a good girl for me.” He rasped before laying you down on the couch and pound his cock into you in a fast pace.

“You’re so tight, Y/N” at hearing that your walls clenched around him as you starting to feel the familiar tight knot on your belly, you’re so overstimulated that it doesnt take you long at all to cum all over his cock, letting out choked out whimper and sobs “That’s it, keep coming pretty girl, gonna be good and let me finish inside- fuck right?”

You nodded your head drowsily, holding onto his wrist for dear life as you get fucked with a brutal pace, his thumb falls out your mouth and you begins to whimper, “M-matthew! please”

“I know, i’m close baby, just take it a bit more yeah? cum for me one more time, Y/N c’mon” his voice is strained, signaling that he’s close. you whimpered out that “cant- cant too much!” and Matthew’s thumb instantly went to rub your clit sending you over the edge quickly. “i know you have it in you, pretty girl. come on more— fuck thats it, thats it baby good gi— Ah fuck!” You cum all over his cock, him following not long after, releasing himself inside of you, filling you up as you shake and try to catch your breath.

“I love you— so fucking much Y/N” he whispered as he begins to pull out slowly and watch the cum drip out of her cunt, making him go feral and push his cum back in. “gotta stay full okay? who knows.. maybe i can knock you up before our wedding.”

Oh.. and you thought he won’t be up for round two.

———————

Thank you for reading, please leave a like comment and reblog! Blurb request is open so send some! give me feedback or constructive criticisms by simply leave your trace on my blog. Thanks❤️

(answer only if ur comfy with answering) i’m pretty sure 3/4 of the boys (em, kells, rook, and pete) prolly self harmed, i mean the fuckers are covered in tats, i won’t be surprised if the “it looks cool” is just an excuse. how would their s/o react to the scars?

Pete:

Pete talked alot about his self harm in his interview early on this year with Charlamagne. I highly recommend anyone who likes Pete, doesnt like pete, or just wants to know who the fuck he is watches is. Its an hour long but I literally sobbed while watching it because its just so heartbreaking some of the stuff hes gone through and how deeply I can relate to alot of his struggles.

Fuck it imma link it.

But anyway. He's said he used tattooing for a while as a less destructive form of self harm because the pain from getting them done worked the same way cutting did for him. Also he had them done to cover up some of his self harm scars because he used to cut his own chest. Pete's always been very open about this kind of stuff. Especially so in the interview where he goes into a lot of explicit detail so if thats potentially triggering I would have to also recommend AGAINST watching it unfortunately.

But as for how his SO would react?

Rook would already know ahead of time about Pete's past and current self harm habits. In interviews Pete talks alot about how he "warns" his partners when they first get together about how he's "crazy" and regularly will need to take "vacations" to the mental hospital to get a handle back on things when his meds need readjusted or his mental health gets to be too much of a struggle to handle on his own with his outpatient therapy. So, by the time they're actively dating, in a serious relationship Rook would already probably have figured out what days are going to be bad ones for Pete and what he can do to help.

Like noticing Pete looking more disheveled on their facetime calls, or his jokes leaning a bit too far on the scale of self deprication. They can't always be together because of their careers and living situations (at least not until they move in together) but Rook would drop some of their usual teasing banter for the day and instead fill their conversations and calls with reassurances and check ins on what Pete might need. The most important thing for him would be making sure Pete knows he loves him and that he's not going anywhere just because Petes having a low day and acte snappy or distant.

Rook doesn't notice Pete's scars most of the time. Not unless he looks closely for them and, except during the dim quiet nights where they're laying together and his fingers are tracing the random explosion of art lining Pete's chest the drummer actually forgets they exist at all. When they first met it was hard for him to even imagine cheery, sweet always giggling Pete in such a dark space that he would do things like that but, once the proof is infront of his eyes it's hard for Rook not to feel his heart ache even before he's fallen completely in love with the man. Rarely he will find his fingers catching on a feather thin line on Pete's skin, and when they do the kiss that follows is not out of pity but one of acceptance. Pete's perfect. Even with all of his sharp edges and missing pieces. That's just more space for Rook to fit himself into to act as support.

Kells:

Kells has said similar too, I think I remember an interview with him saying he also got tatts to cover up some self harm scars (also to fight some of his body dysphoria. Which actually got heightened really badly when he had to wear all that makeup for the dirt and see himself truly 'naked' again.) Cutting himself, including on the chest like Pete has mentioned. He also drinks and does drugs to self harm and numb the pain.

The majority of his scars are hidden away by his colorful tats. The few Em discovers are like Rook, through accident. The pads of his fingers catching on a slightly different texture or a close examination of some of the blonde's artwork. Kells is less vocal than Pete. If Em presses, depending on the day he might give a detailed account for each gash or on a less comfortable night he might change the subject with a "i dunno, probably happened when i was drunk/high/a kid"

Em does his best to respect Kelly's comfort but the few scars he finds uncovered down around the blondes ankle become a favorite spot of his to hold and stroke whenever available. Theres just something about them. Maybe the strong need to "protect" that rushes through him when he touches them or it could be the almost possessive idea that while the world may know every tiny piece of art that litters his boyfriends flesh, this small patch is his and his alone to see. Like a secret held between the two of them.

Em:

Em's obviously talked about his own self harm in the past. His "slit me" wrist tattoo an unashamed statement to it. Even after he got sober and stopped doing the "usual methods" like cutting, drinking excessively, and nearly overdosing, he did struggle with starving himself or abusing his body by over exercising instead. Like Em tore his hip flexors after getting sober because of it. I'd hope that nowadays he's got a better handle on things but it wouldn't be shocking if he still struggled from time to time.

So, Kell's being a huge stan of his. Even before the beef is guaranteed to know about it. He looked up to Em and compared the similarities of their lives for years.

That doesn't make it any less jarring when they get together and he stumbles upon the scars though.

The faint faded lines across Em's wrists he expects. Even the almost undetectable jagged line along the older rapper's scalp from his childhood bully is something he knows enough about to immediately place. But the paler crossing lines he spots one day between Em's thighs are what make them all feel "real" and less like some tiny little trivia fact he read in a magazine, heard in an interview, a song. Them and Em's quiet almost reluctant admission of their placement being the only true "private" space he thought he could use crushing the final leg on the unreachable pedestal a younger Kells had placed the man up on. Allowing him to actually see Em. To fall in love with him.

From that moment on Kells hands find themselves glued there every time they go to sleep. It doesn't matter the position. Big spoon or little spoon he will twist his wrist or arm to curl one hand around the soft flesh of Em's inner thigh. Just to feel them against his palm or to sleepily stroke with his thumb.

Sure, it might be a little like how his knowledge of them tickles that posessive side he and Em both share. But, it's actually mostly just because Kelly finds them beautiful. Scars have always been attractive to him and every bitter huff or dismissal of how they're ugly or childish from Em just makes him want to kiss and stroke them more.

Rook:

I unfortunately don't know much about Rook's history with self harm. Its reasonable to assume he shares the same "drown your sorrows" habits kells and Pete have/did. And from what I've seen and learned about him through his lives and just following his social media I couldnt speculate one way or another.

Regardless any kind of scars Pete might discover on Rook would be treated with care. Lots of soft fluttered kisses and gentle brushes of fingers.

Pete wouldn't pry. Current Rook and the risk of any future scars are far more important to him. If Rook wants to share or talk about them he's of course eager to be there for him to listen and support. And even though he knows the struggle with mental health and jow unavoidable some heartache and pains may be that doesn't stop him from feeling any less grief over not meeting Rook sooner to prevent the drummer from experiencing some of it.

And ahh its almost 1:30 am anon 🥺🥺 sorry I got a little carried away with this ask. I hope it's close to the type of answer you wanted but I'm gonna cut it here because I'm hitting a wall.

Can I get a matchup please?? I'm a 5'6" trans man with brown hair and blue eyes. I'm shy at first but eventually get super attached to people. I love horror movies and any type of physical affection. I love animals, especially cats. I often use humor to cope with my emotions and have a hard time letting people help me when I'm vulnerable.

I match you with: baby!

• baby can seem intimidating at first glance, and this impression is only further backed by her unpredictable personality and manic behavior, which often presents itself in the form of senseless violence. her character may have developed this way through how she was raised, and by her own family's reckless tendencies. surrounded by gore, drugs, and sex for the majority of her life, baby has grown to be a daredevil and adrenaline junkie. needless to say, you will never find yourself bored with her close by. although she mainly craves chaos and destruction in all possible forms, she finds pleasure in exploiting the innocent and helpless, whether this is through violence, sex, drinking, drugs, partying, etc. being the shy, quiet individual, you will find yourself in a world not many dare to enter in their lives, should you cross paths with baby. her approach to acquainting herself if someone happens to catch her eye is not unlike a feral animal attacking a small woodland creature-she walks with the gait of a predator whose mind and morals have long since expired, a wolfish grin spread across her lips that seems to want to just eat you up, sweetheart, her mannerisms rigid and wild, hands surprisingly strong in their grip and eyes unknowably hypnotic with the corruption and madness contained within them. her tongue is sharp as the knife shell use to pretty you up, and as alluring as the hunters snare. you cannot play with fire and not get burned.

• in the blistering heat of the south, under the bleeding sun walks a woman with the heart of the devil and the flesh of an angel, red gooey hands swinging, dripping at her sides, her soul hungry for more, always more. her lips reveal an insanity on a sugar high, words and phrases mashed together in quick speed and a wicked tone brought up from the depths of her dark soul. baby lives a life of hedonism and hellish delights, and while she enjoys having her fun, she doesnt mind having others tag along, especially if she takes a liking to them. however, it is more likely that one would become a victim rather than a friend if they became the unfortunate target of her attention. still, your demeanor fascinates her, your face when she first knew she had to add you to her collection, your beautiful tears when she woke you in her room as she strapped you to a chair. your suffering is unimaginable beauty to her, though she would not go as far as to inflict any permanent damage. it is hard for her to restrain herself when your choked sobs and cries of pain are the melodies sung by the very angels above, but she manages. she would also be sure to keep the rest of the firefly family at bay, claiming you as her personal victim, as she retrieved you herself. in the time that follows, it is reasonable to imagine she would include you in the "shows" she often performs, always with teasing touches and the occasional rough grasp, feeling your soft skin under her hands. due to her frequent mood swings, you may find her petting your hair in her room as she sits beside you facing the window, watching the sun dip below the horizon, turning the evening sky into a lovely earthy blue and deep lavender as the world falls asleep, the summer air of the night filling your lungs, baby whispering sweet nothings, calling you her pet, her pretty, pretty pet. on the other side, you may find her lashing out in frustration, you, bound to her chair and unable to flee from her fury, those violent hands of hers punching holes in the walls and scratching at them in pure anger until her fingertips bleed raw, incoherent screeches of rage filling the room as she attacks all that is around her, smashing glass and throwing furniture, every so often pausing to make her way to you, forcing her face just inches from yours, white knuckles gripping the arms of the chair, her hot breath on your flesh, wild eyes barely able to stay still in contact with yours, those oh so violent hands picking up glass from the floor and dragging across your cheek and watching intently with what can only be described as pleasure as the red paints your skin.

• it is clear that baby herself enjoys a good laugh, though her sense of humor can be regarded as disturbing and odd. though she always seems to be in an excessively happy state due to her mental issues, she still appreciates someone who can make her laugh. if you tell her a joke, she'll laugh, even if she'd heard it a thousand times, even if what you said wasnt even meant to be a joke at all. if you do manage to open up to her and continue to entertain her humor, she'll grow quite attached. while she does have her bad days, she'll mainly prefer to spend time laughing with you instead of going out and finding other victims to slaughter. of course, she'll never cease her killing rampage, but her body count will begin to lessen as she finds that she would rather be with you. death, gore, and pain are still her passions, but she'll try to shield you from some of her and her family's behavior if she notices that it bothers you-without being too obvious, she also dislikes being emotional and serious. she would far rather stay on her happy high and believe that nothing matters at all. it is unlikely she will ever truly open up completely to anyone, but she will attempt to do little things here and there that she thinks will make you happy. if confronted, she'll dismiss it with a laugh and increase her agression and wild behavior for a period so as to not arouse suspicion from your or her family.

• baby is all too familiar with the world of sex. she often uses her body to lure in potential victims, and sometimes even continues to have "fun" with them before the kidnapping/killing. she loves anything that makes her feel good, anything that gives her pleasure and gives it to her fast-thus, her habits of drinking, doing drugs, killing, and having a lot of sex. she doesnt care for anyone elses well being until she begins to grow feelings for you. she would most likely attempt to seduce you as soon as she kidnaps you, but will not continue if you dont appear to want it as much as she does. baby prefers a situation wherein she and her victim are both enjoying themselves and therefore focused on the task at hand rather than focusing only on how to get away and make her stop. if you and her actually manage to form a trusting, undoubtedly faithful relationship, one in which you would not run away as soon as she turned her back, baby would eventually free you of your chair and integrate you into the family. you can expect her to attempt to seduce you again, but if you deny her, she will question your feelings for her-baby is not familiar with cuddling or anything of that sort. to her, love is expressed through sex, and you being uninterested signals to her that you do not love her. she will need to be taught that affection comes in many forms, and does not exist solely in pleasure. it will be a hard concept for her to grasp, however, after a while, you may wake to her shifting closer to you in the bed, her hands gentle, warmer, as she wraps them around you in an embrace.

I don’t know why the sunset seems so scary to me right now

I keep looking out of my window and looking at the sun and feeling angry at it. I think it’s because when the sun sets, I know that that’s just another day gone by and time still moves like nothing ever happened... it moves and things become more final

I can’t say i’m surprised about how much this has affected me. I used to be one of those people that when a celebrity died i couldn’t empathise with the people that had followed them closely, were their ‘biggest fans’ and what not. I’d always think “It’s sad..... but how can someone feel that distraught over someone they don’t even know?” 

But Jonghyun meant a lot to me. Not in the way that he would to people who know him, I’m obviously no comparison, but people touch our lives in so many different ways and he really touched mine. My life for the past 5 years has been full of lots of ups and downs, and even in the worst times I was able to look to shinee and jonghyun for solace. I also felt a lot of pride for the work he did, he always put so much effort and love and devotion and dedication and heart into everything he did and music meant so much to him and you could just feel it everytime you listened to his songs, and i would always take that feeling with me and use it to make me feel better.

I guess it breaks my heart to think he thought leaving this way was the only option. And sometimes when i’m crying i feel selfish in that theres real people that knew him and who were in his life that are grieving right now and i’m just a stupid girl sobbing in my room somewhere and he’ll never know who i am. I’m not surprised by the fact that i’m upset over this, I’m more surprised about the....feeling? I never expected something like this to hit me so hard. And it’s difficult when you feel its unjustified, you have such a horrible heartbroken feeling, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you constantly cry and everything makes you angry just by the sight of it existing, but then what use is it? I actually have a take home exam i’m supposed to be doing right now. I’m in the middle of finals but I just can’t function properly but of course he was never a family member, or a friend to me so I have to be expected to just move through it because i have no excuse. But he really felt like a friend. I remember looking through my posts today and finding a photo of him from maybe a couple of years ago, and one of my tags said ‘he looks like he could give me a really nice really warm hug’ and i believe it.  He alwayed inspired he every time he spoke, i would always read quotes from blue night and be shocked by just how eloquent and thoughtful is in everything he says. He gave so much love to the people around hime, even to those he didn’t know well, but i can’t stop thinking about how he couldn’t afford himself the same privilege  tw suicide/death

and everytime i think of him i cant help but think about how lonely he must have been at that moment. Sometimes its just one simple spur of the moment thought that makes people do it and then they’re thankful someone came and saved them in the knick of time and then they live long, good lives and it just makes me sad and angry that this didnt happen to him that he stood there in that moment and whether he was afraid or not he still went through with it and i cant even image how painful it must have been... and even the hours and days and weeks leading up until that moment, was he ever happy? sometimes there are things in life that can be that spark to make you keep going, and i see so many of those things in his life but obviously the pain was too great.  i guess the sunset makes me angry because i know it means he’s just getting colder and there won’t be any warmth in that body anymore and whether you believe in heaven or a second life or anything of that kind i feel like it doesnt matter because of how final it all is. 

And there’s a certain kind of..dissonance to all that i see of him and what he did. I’ve watched funny videos of him to make myself feel better, to see him happy and laughing and making others laugh but then as soon as it ends i am struck with the though of him killing himself and i can’t stop shaking. such a beautiful person shouldn’t ever be related to such horrific acts this never should have happened to him

i find it harder when someone you hear the voice of everyday, see so many times is the one to go, because their presence is so normal and you feel like you’ve taken advantage of it. i feel like i’ve taken advantage of it. I’m not really a mourning person, death hasn’t really touched my life and when my grandma died i didnt cry. i guess i was really young and couldn’t quite understand death at that time, but now with jonghyun the years of my life that i spent knowing him were some of the hardest, and losing him has ben like losing some of the ground underneath that i stand on and i can’t pick myself up I still can’t believe it. I’m the kind of person that actively seeks out information on these things, it seems self destructive but i would rather look at things on my own terms than be caught off guard by a stray facebook post i never wanted to see.  And there’s so many regrets i have and so many thoughts that i can’t stop thinking about at the same time. I keep thinking about how much pain he must have been in at that moment, i think of his sister and how much she has to carry with her now for the rest of her life, i think about the possibility of how if they had just been that bit faster maybe he’d still be here, i keep thinking about shinee and when they must have last saw jonghyun, what did they say? was it something they regretted?, how they’ll make it through the next days, months, years, i think of his mother and everything she must be feeling. I just have so many thoughts and each one is worse than the next but then i think about my role in it all and i cant help it. I think about how i was studying while he killed himself, how i had a slight headache when they found him, how i was probably laughing at a joke somewhere across the city while this was all happening. I wonder why i dismissed going to his concert when i had the chance, “nah, i’ll wait till the full shinee concert” and think did i take him for granted? i loved him, but did i love him enough?  And to say you ‘love’ someone in this context is so strange, because theyre not directly part of youre life and yet you feel so close to them. For a long time i loved how he helped me when i needed it, i loved how funny he was in his dopey silly way, i loved his voice and the emotion that flowed through it, i loved his smile that i thought “i want to see this, up close someday”, i love how incredibly intelligent he was and i always thought i’d found someone i could look up to and strive to be like. I loved the love he gave to others, including myself, but i feel selfish for taking everything he had to give and leaving him empty. I didn’t want to write this in past tense, but i guess i had to. Seeing things like death date on his profile makes everything so surreal. I think “but, this can’t happen to him, it’s jonghyun” or “there must be some mistake”. I look at the words “died” over and over and over again until i cry and cry and then i look away only to look back again and do the same. It still doesn’t feel real, it feels real and yet it doesn’t I want to be positive like other people have, and say that i’m happy for the time that he was in my life. But i can’t help but think of what he was going through at this time. It feels like i had years and years to do something, anything, but i know this what out of my hands which makes me feel worse and helpless. I really am not the kind of person to write things like this at all. Again, i never understood why people did this when celebrities died but now i know. i know too well. My heart aches in ways i never thought it would and even with how much i’ve said it doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what i’m feeling.  I also hate being here, its the first time that i’ve truly hated being in seoul. I didnt want to go outside because all i could see is the snow that came down yesterday and it reminded me of him, i don’t want to see people going on with their lives, i don’t want to see the daily routine of things and time passing by. I feel like i can just shut myself in my room and grieve in my own space because thats the only way i know how to cope. But when i look out my window, and i see the road near my house, and i know that if i followed that road, if i just kept following it and all of it twists and different streets then i know i would end up where he is, where they all are, and i just which i wasnt constantly aware of its existence.  Some part of me wants to go there, to just stand outside so theres some kind of finality and closure but i don’t know if that would make it worse. i dont know what will make it better. i dont know what ‘it’ is but whatever it is it hurts.  This is a kind of shock i’ve never experienced, and i’m trying hard to validate my feelings. i’m trying to take care of myself but who knew that would be so difficult too? I guess my main feelings right now are anger and fear. Anger for the pain he was in all these years, anger for what he felt he had to do to himself, anger at everyone and everything, rational or irrational i am just angry. And i fear what comes next. I’m scared of all the things people have to say, i’m scared of the funeral to come, i’m scared of turning the tv on and seeing the news and becoming acutely aware of the reality of it all, i’m scared about what lives will be like after this, i’m scared of my own feelings and how to cope with them.  Obviously things get better with time, but not for everyone. I admit i’m a sensitive person, i often think and cry about the day my dog will die because of how old he is and how much he means to me. So i wonder now that i will be part of the unfortunate category of people that never recover from these things. and you might think “i know you’re hurting right now, and that’s why you feel this way. but give it time and you’ll look back at yourself and just feel sad that you felt this way”. But i know myself, and i know my feelings. I know how things affect me, and i felt this, and still feel it, so deep inside myself that i don’t think it will go away anytime soon.  I wonder when i will stop crying, or i at least wonder when i will be able to function properly. I’m aware that i could fall back into mild depression, i’m at a dangerous point where this incident is combined with the fact that i have most of my major exams and i can’t fail them but with what im feeling i havent been able to do anything and i just feel like i cant muster enough of my energy to care. How have i preoccupied the entire 10 or so hours ive been awake with nothing but thought of him? with nothing but tears for him? It’s sadder now knowing when these things happened, when i was on the brink or at my lowest i always turned to him, and to shinee. i guess its ironic now.  This is so dumb and emotional but i just want to scream!!! and cry and weep and sob and i have to get it out otherwise it just hurts too much. The words ‘hurt’ and ‘pain’ i’ve used too much i know but until i have better words to describe what i’m feeling, what has happened, then i’ll be using them

Remember 1of1? it feels kind of cruel now to think they went off a concept based solely on them being a whole unified unit of 5. 

5.

5. 

Is it karma? to think that while jonghyun was suffering, and i was taking his voice and his music and his thoughts and feelings with me and using them for my own gains, that the only thing i was ever thinking was “i hope shinee never disbands. I don’t know what i’d do without them. i’m so so scared of that day, what would i do after that?”. It seems so small now. I was scared of how i would feel when they parted ways but still lives long happy lives, so now my feelings are so beyond that that im struggling to conceptualise them. It’s difficult for people with mental health issues. We invest our feelings in things that we think will help us through hard times, and even as i think about it i dont think there was anything else that i invested my feelings in. it was always shinee. Theres a certain kind of joy you feel when you engage with things that comfort you thats unlike anything else, its like a big sigh or exhale of breathe and a feeling that you can just forget about everything and just be in the moment with them. Jonghyun always made me feel that way, no matter what.

I’m still trying to express the magnitude of what i feel right now but i can’t..... i would probably type for hours but it still won’t cut it. I see pictures of his face and i have mixed reactions because i know hes gone but i feel like he isnt. I see his pictures everyday, so how is today any different? my brain can’t comprehend the difference and i’m scared about what will happen when it does. 

But i won’t feel stupid anymore for how i’m feeling. It’s justified, and its justified for everyone else. I just wish other people could see that so i didnt feel so alone

I don’t want to say goodbye. Even typing that i feel silly, but i just wish he knew how loved he was. I want to pick myself up and imagine him in a better place somehow but its hard. I want to look at the sunset again and not find it so incredibly terrifying, i want to walk outside again and not have to think about how you’ll never have the feeling of the cold on your fingers when the wind gets too strong, or how you’ll never see the snow fall again and settle on the trees, or how you’ll never see that sunset and think “what a good day it was to live”. Why is it so unfair that i have to see these things and know you never will again.

I loved him so much, i love him so much. and i’m so so so sorry for absolutely everything. i’m so incredibly sorry. I hope you feel better now and know so many people love you, i love you i love you You did well.