Dandelion (Jaskier) as a Spy
Re-reading Baptism of Fire (Very minor spoilers for that book ahead) and I am dying laughing because it just occurred to me how deeply, deeply Dijkstra must hate Dandelion. Like it has to go so far beyond your basic hatred and just burn with the fire of a thousand suns. They both went to Oxenfurt so maybe it even started there.
I mean just picture it! You're a ruthlessly ambitious, brutal head of the Redanian spy agency. You have King Vizimir's ear! Your name strikes fear in the hearts of men from the Blue Mountains to the sea!
You are so brilliant that in King Vizimir's court they say that:
If Dijkstra states it is noon yet darkness reigns all around, it is time to start worrying about the fate of the sun.
You studied at Oxenfurt, and presumably you enjoy your association with the place, because even though you hate pomposity "with a vengeance", you rent rooms there for your offices that you call "Faculty of Most Contemporary History".
And now based solely on his association with the Witcher, (I stand corrected, please see reblog) you have to employ fucking Dandelion, a man whose bones clatter when he walks into danger and who vomits at the sight of a murder. A man who thinks the tides of the sea are caused by a fat toad like beast who crouches at the bottom of the ocean.
You have to protect him from Reince, and sit there as he transparently lies his fucking face off to you, because while yes, he has a useful association with the WItcher, he won't give you SHIT because the only thing he cares about other than drinking and fucking is Geralt of goddamn Rivia. (When Dijkstra is talking to Dandelion, he refers to Geralt as "your witcher")
You try to put him in his place, so he understands just how beneath you he is:
"Dandelion," said Dijkstra..."you thick-headed halfwit. You unmitigated dunce. Do you have to spoil everything you touch? Couldn't you just once in your life, do something right? I know you can't think for youreself. I know you're almost forty, look almost thirty, think you're just over twenty, and act as though you're barely ten. And being aware of this I usually furnish you with precise instructions...and I regularly get the impression that I'm talking to a stone wall."
And yet, he doesn't seem to realize how beneath you he is! He "feigns insolence", he pretends he doesn't understand what you are asking. He "puffs himself up" with pride and says that you are not the boss of him, that he's just doing his "patriotic duty". And what's more, he lies just as predictably as he breathes.
"I didn't know anything about Geralt's plans," Dandelion lied with conviction.
and
"Geralt has left," the bard lied calmly.
and
"Novigrad," the troubadour lied without thinking, "He went to look for Rience there."
and
"I have no doubt," lied the poet, "that's all you care about. But I really don't know what you're talking about."
and
"Nothing of the kind," lied the poet. "I believe you." --Blood of Elves pp 197-203
And you don't know what is worse, the fact that he thinks he's really getting one over on you?
Or the fact that during your time at Oxenfurt, you were not awarded the title of Master of Letters...
Dijkstra had studied at the Academy of Oxenfurt, and although he had not been awarded the title of Master of Letters, he knew the basics of bombastic scholarly jargon. --Baptism of Fire, p 22
And this pompous buffoon spent the majority of his time as an Oxenfurt student drunk, not putting in any effort at all, then walzed off with a Master of the Seven Liberal Arts and a job offer.
I mean, Dandelion's favorite subject was Geography, because he could hide a demijohn of vodka behind the atlases. (The Last Wish p 158)
Everyone thought he was an idiot, so he must have missed classes and/or talked just absolute garbage in class. He must have just been a disaster of ill advised sexual liaisons, intoxication, and bullshittery. No one expected anything from him. The man was not putting in the work.
But then THEN the fucker waltzed in the day of exams and aced them all, shocking everyone, getting a Master of the Seven Liberal Arts and being immediately offered the post of lecturer, which he left to wander around with his fucking lute.
The post of lecturer had been offered to him when he had passed his final exams with full marks, to the astonishment of professors with whom he had earned the reputation of lazybones, rake and idiot during his studies.
Then when he got very famous with his lute, the Academy had
"Taken great pains to have him visit and give guest lectures.
And Dandelion's like...ehh I guess. When I have time.
Dandelion yielded to their requests only sporadically.."
Blood of Elves p 194
Meanwhile you have to rent rooms and make up your own name for your fake department. Then you have to sit in them while this asshole stands in front of you lying like a rug because despite the fact that he won't tell you anything, he is currently your best shot at finding the witcher.
hahahahhahhahhaha it's a miracle Dijkstra never just snapped and throttled him with his bare hands.
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