#constantly evolving post
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~ᎶᎧᎧᎴ ᏋᏉᏋᏁᎥᏁᎶ~
Here ye shall find:
RPGs & Writing Projects
Curse of Strahd
I am deep in the muck of planning a Curse of Strahd campaign, having recently been through it as a player. So far, my concept has been mostly based on a few of the Ravenloft novels, plus the absolutely heinous 5e module (many details of which I have been attempting to rewrite), and a deep unrelenting desire to reintroduce Alek Gwilym to the world (so far working with the idea that he will be some kind of ghoul). Bookish ramblings, 5e headaches, and creative solutions are under #Lamour DMs CoS.
Also: Costuming Barovia
Jewelry | Strahd: Part 1 | Strahd: Art Addendum
Alek Gwilym
It has come to my attention that this blog has become one of the top recommended for #Alek Gwilym. When I first read I, Strahd—which was given to us ver batim as the Tome in the campaign I played—I knew in my heart that this man's death was the true crux of the Barovian tragedy. I became obsessed with solving the mystery of what else had become of him and working to bring him back, because I could conceive of no better way to break a curse which had been sealed with his demise.
I continue to strive to do Alek as much justice as possible.
He deserved better. It can and will be helped.
Strahd/Alek Fanfiction
#Stralek my beloved.
The piece de resistance of my work in this realm—my portfolio, if you will—has been the Vampentine's 2024 Collection which came about through this prompt list. It contains vignettes from several universe concepts (indexed), as well as a fully self-contained 6,693-word idea under the heading "It's all right."
[placeholder for the pbp rp, coming soon to Ao3]
Other (in-progress) works include:
Immortality - In 398 BC, after finally wiping his hands of Leo Dilisnya, Strahd discovers a painter in Vallaki who looks a lot like Alek Gwilym.
Despite Fear - Alek thwarts Strahd's deal with "Death" and the OG team go on campaign to destroy the dark entity once and for all.
Ezra Sunstar
Ezra was the character I played in Curse of Strahd. He was a self-conscious fire genasi roaming Faerûn in disguise before he and a couple of adventurers stumbled into Barovia. He knew very little about his own race or lineage, and hadn't even known his own surname until Madam Eva called him by it. He was enamored with the Vistani, accidentally fell for Ireena, and remained stalwartly determined to prove that Strahd was not a monster but a man under a curse who needed help.
Slowly working through my notes to create a cohesive narrative of Ezra's experiences, which were very therapeutic for me and ultimately went very well, all things considered.
The Tome of Ezra (Anno Viatoris)
A few campaign snippets, art, and other things can be found under #Ezra Sunstar. After having completed both Curse of Strahd and an epilogue Descent into Avernus, Ezra is still going, in a play-by-post rp, in which he has ventured into an alternate universe Lamordia to rescue one more soul: his beloved Ernst.
Alara
Kind of a placeholder for now, but I'm going to have a lot to say about this lady, I can guarantee.
Original/Related Works
Someday...
A retelling of Cinderella, featuring Dracula as the prince, rife with influences from Slavic folklore.
Post-Dracula, Lord Godalming funds the asylum run by his husband Dr. Seward, where they investigate the paranormal influences underlying many of their wards' issues. A young man admits his college friend, Victor Frankenstein, who raves about a creature he created from the dead.
I write personal essays and suchthelike, too: #Lamour Stories
About Me
Creative Process
I studied studio arts in high school, and writing in college. Self-taught costume historian. I'm gearing up to start my MFA in Creative Writing!
I love when people make things. I love craft and story and folklore. I think people should make things they love. I'll reblog things that resonate.
Publications
Check out Wishbone Words, a magazine made by and for disabled creatives. My original short story "Skull Cave" is part of Issue 12!
Coming Soon! - Enchanted Living magazine's Summer 2024 issue will feature another original short story, "Flowers for Hannedy".
Shop
Basic linen costume pieces (which also make great loungewear), plus creative writing commissions!
Demographics
I'm 29, married, and was only recently diagnosed autistic. Genderqueer (they/them to creatures of authority, but my fellow plebians are invited make it up as you go). I very much enjoy thou/thee/thy/thine second-person singular pronouns.
My middle name is love, and I am an icorrigible romantic.
♡ Lamour
#intro post#constantly evolving post#lamour stories#lamour dms cos#stralek#alek gwilym#ezra sunstar#this seems relevant#lamour's asylum wip#overseer alara
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Karma
I sometimes come across people who say they “don’t believe in karma.” I believe this stems from a misunderstanding of karma as a purely supernatural force.
Karma is not something you believe in: it is cause and effect, as real and insentient as the force of gravity. Karma is a shorthand for everything a being can experience and the causes that lead to these experiences.
You touch the fire and it burns you. That’s karma. Your karma is that you are a being of flesh and your body cannot tolerate certain elements.
Your family has a history of cancer, and you develop cancer. That’s karma. Your karma is that you carry the genetic inclination for certain diseases.
You encounter a challenge and overcome it against all odds. That’s karma. Your karma is that you had the skills and resources to achieve the outcome you desired.
When we observe certain phenomena in the world, we understand that this was possible because there was the necessary karma for it to occur - the necessary causes were present. Sometimes we label this as ‘bad’ karma or ‘good’ karma, purely because of how we perceive that experience. There will have been innumerable factors involved in that experience coming to pass. Hence, karma can be understood in a purely mundane context.
Since we spiritual practitioners tend to get involved with magic, gods, spirits and other realms, then naturally we observe that there are additional ways in which karma can work. Sometimes on a scale that is difficult to comprehend and spans lifetimes.
When we understand karma, that is, cause and effect, we come to understand some of the myriad of influences upon our experience. Sometimes we understand enough that we can change the karma that we have.
In my opinion, karma makes the most sense in the context of rebirth and spiritual inheritance: the idea that there is some continuity after death and the karma of one life can be inherited by another.
The way that I personally understand karma is that it is like an attunement, or a momentum. Every action, every thought, is like a movement that creates a gust of wind that pushes us toward a certain outcome. Repeated actions of a certain nature solidify this momentum, like gathering winds that create a storm, or trails of water that carve a riverbed into the earth.
Across lifetimes, this becomes especially powerful. We may find ourselves repeatedly experiencing certain themes in our lives. The same kinds of fortune and misfortune that come back in different forms, created by the momentum of our inherited karma. It takes persistent effort to escape what has been ingrained into our experience and go beyond what our past has shaped us to be.
Karma must also be understood in the context of interdependence. We do not exist in isolation, our own karma will impact the karma of others, and vice versa. Everything in the world has its own karma, a way it can influence other things: how we navigate these influences determines our fate.
Don’t be daunted by the enormity of it all. A ship that sails across the sea will not encounter every wave on the ocean, only the ones in its path. We have the choice to ride upon those waves, or we can learn to read the winds and waters and try to change our course.
#cultivation#buddhism#dharma#karma#i made a similar post in a server which people found useful#once i started getting to grips with karma as a concept#it helped me become more patient#realising “i don't have the karma to do this right now”#or “what actions can i take now to create this karma for the future”#it also helps me realise that everything is constantly evolving#for those moments i feel stagnant or stuck
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Jon was texting with our nephew trying to figure out Christmas gift ideas for him (it is SO hard to buy for him) and he mentioned he's really into sharks lately
So I got Jon to ask him if he has a Blahaj. The response?
"OH MY GOD I WOULD PLEDGE MY SOUL TO YOU IF YOU GOT ME A BLAHAJ!"
So. I guess we're getting a teenager's soul this Christmas
#shopping for a teenage boy is hard ok. his interests are v specific and constantly evolvint#*evolving#mod post#christmas#christmas shopping#blahaj#family stuff
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UNDER THE HUNTER'S MOON - a dimilix playlist
portugal by walk the moon / black butterflies and déjà vu by the maine / drumming song by florence + the machine / straight to my head by you me at six / don't take the money by bleachers / let it die by STARSET / used to be by SIAMES / powerless by linkin park / oh my love by to kill a king / portuguese knight fight by cage the elephant / in the darkness by dead by sunrise / afraid of heights by billy talent / i won't give in by asking alexandria / ivy by frank ocean / pork soda by glass animals / francis forever by mitski / beyond my control by meet me @ the altar / the garden by the crane wives / stay by oingo boingo / running up that hill (a deal with god) by kate bush / hunter's moon by delain
cover art by @koroart!
pt: UNDER THE HUNTER'S MOON - a dimilix playlist
portugual by walk the moon / black butterflies and déjà vu by the maine / drumming song by florence + the machine / straight to my head by you me at six / don't take the money by bleachers / let it die by STARSET / used to be by SIAMES / powerless by linkin park / oh my love by to kill a king / portuguese knife fight by cage the elephant / in the darkness by dead by sunrise / afraid of heights by billy talent / i won't give in by asking alexandria / ivy by frank ocean / pork soda by glass animals / francis forever by mitski / beyond my control by meet me @ the altar / the garden by the crane wives / stay by oingo boingo / running up that hill (a deal with god) by kate bush / hunter's moon by delain
cover art by @koroart! end pt
#mihai.txt#fe3h#fe16#dimilix#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd#felix hugo fraldarius#dimilix week ended yesterday and i was going to post it for that but i forgor#i'm also constantly adding shit to this. she's always evolving <3#also cover art was a commission. don't get onto me for that shit okay?
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I feel so out of touch and it’s not even Thursday
#I’ve been here 8 years and I feel like the userbase is evolving faster than me#like idk have the shows games or whatever that are constantly in the trending tag#I feel old but I’m only 21#so instead I’m just out of touch#(you can reblog this as a meme post idc)
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also like. life update. since coming to college i think i've decided i want to be less online in general, because i don't think it benefits my mental health to be on any online website too much. i know i still have strong ties to fandom and whatnot but i'm trying to reconcile my relationship with the things i've created knowing the headspace i was in when that happened; cs is more of a diary to me than anything, at least where i'm at currently. i DO want to be on discord more this break because there's people i want to VC and catch up with-- but ultimately i think i'm like exactly the worst kind of person to operate with any kind of stability on the internet so we're going to mess around with what that looks like for me for a while. love u guys and once finals are officially up in two days i'll be back to say hi :]
#nightmare.personal#i just think like. idk. i don't really know how to compassionately phrase this#but i realized with all the stuff happening in the world that like.#it's just far better to host those conversations and do those actions irl?#for a lot of reasons. one of the major ones being that its easier to weed out people in real life who are like#wildly antisemitic and awful shit like that. vs being online its like people do that for breakfast#it's also just easier to do meaningful things. so then kind of from that i was just thinking and like#it's weird! because i don't miss the act of posting or opening discord or anything#but i miss the people. but also the way you interact with online friends is so distinctive?#like i can't just get everyone's phone numbers. it'd kind of be sick if i could but you know. everyone feels diff about internet security#so like i'm constantly drawn back to tumblr because i miss people and same with discord#but i don't really adore being on here that much so it's like. really weirdly perplexing#i'm also so goddamn bad at keeping up online friendships and everyone i know here has the patience of a saint#which i deeply appreciate it's also just kinda like.#if we were here in person i could so much better convey my appreciation for you all#so i just hope you know that i do appreciate you. it's weird.#i also have to separately reconcile with the fact that i'm an evolving person IRL#but online that comes at a lag? so like i don't even know how anyone perceives my personality#because it's not that i ever really faked it its just kind of like. we all start somewhere#i don't know what i'm saying. it's disorienting is my point.#i guess i could fix this if i got the discord or tumblr app but#i'm not going to do either of those things but like. i don't know#i wish i talked more regularly to people but the actual process of doing that feels so odd to me#i dunno. we party
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I really hate scrolling Tumblr with Shinigami eyes on and seeing so many 'feminist' tags decorated with red, flagged-as-a-terf users. "Feminist" rhetoric has been so coopted by reactionaries and regressive movements that it's becoming harder and harder to tell who's who at a glance.
#terfism#tumblr feminism#gender essentialism#shinigami eyes#progressive rhetoric is constantly evolving because of how quickly it's coopted#post
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I just thought it would be funny if Bruno mispronounced words all the time like Megamind because, you know, deprivation of human contact.
Also:
Mel-ON-choly
#it seems the way I draw Bruno is constantly evolving#bruno madrigal#encanto#tio bruno#bruno encanto#my posts#my fanart#megamind quotes
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its impossible for vampire the masquerade to have a protagonist which i actually love when it comes to how it effects the storytelling of the lore but beckett does have protagonist syndrome. he wants to change the course of everything but the context of the world makes that agonizing to pursue, because that world is not meant for people who want to change things. it is exactly like trying to combat capitalism.
#i feel like throughout his (un)lifetime he had to gain that kind of motivation somehow#and that it might have gone well as he figured out more and more about how to accomplish that#i mean im not sure exactly but like#maybe bloodlines was a bit of an awakening#i cant help but feel like anatole was involved in this realization.. maybe not initially but if you consider the jyhad diary#hes pretty different in the diary in that hes not skeptical of antediluvians and gehenna in the same way#like if the events of bloodlines was a game changer for him it could be seen as like#kind of reigning in that confidence or slowing down his hubris of being the Knower of Everything and breaker of the jyhad#what i like is that even then it does not slow down fast enough.#i mean anatole had his own motivations to some degree perhaps but they were close friends for . i think at least a century#they must have evolved together as people (which is why i choose to believe anatole was the reason beckett realized he could be wrong)#especially in how beckett specifically says ''theres just a slight chance. best be safe''#anatoles foresight proves itself constantly but its still just foresight#beckett believes anatoles foresight even over his own skepticism. i think this is outright stated#IDK THIS POST TURNED INTO POINTLESS RANT listen. i am buzzing with thoughts and tumblr is my only outlet#the jyhad is vampire capitalism by the way. vtm loremasters do not come for me
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see and i guess the thing that makes me crazy about the whole relearning intimacy is that xarrai is doing the same thing. in different ways and for different reasons they are both people who have almost never been touched if not for pain or sex or some other sort of Use. and i think that for the two of them that shared experience makes the whole thing like… almost kind of funny? here we are, two guys who are supposed to be experts at intimacy, and we’re giggling like schoolgirls after the most chaste little kiss. it’s all just another joke only the two of them are in on, another conspiratorial little moment they share. or at least it’s easier to see it that way than to see it for what it Is (being madly in love)
#i never post abt them being happy it feels wrong. LMAO#a little self indulgence today as a treat :)#just… finding joy in the closeness and the intimacy#and being so drawn to it like moths to a flame#even between moonrise and the ritual where every other conversation they have devolves into an argument…#still xarrai is close enough to touch him. still they come back to him every time#neither of them Wants to give this up even when everything feels like it’s falling apart. even when they struggle to trust one another#they’re both aware it could be all part of the game. it IS all part of the game sometimes#they KNOW how to weaponize this closeness and they do. both of them. over and over.#both of them wielding touch the same way they wield promises and yet. and yet.#sometimes it’s not. sometimes in the fleeting moments inbetween they find something real. in chaste kisses and cold hands on skin and#all of it.#they’re at each others’ throats the night after the ambush but they still sleep tangled together#it’s different after the ritual too it’s all different like after the tiefling party the two of them are Constantly touching but#the context and the feelings and all of it evolves so so much. okay bye i need to do my job now LOL#漫言#oc. xarrai#r. hold me like a knife#astarion
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I’m very good at drawing a reference and then IMMEDIATELY making it inaccurate by changing the design </3
#random post#looking SO hard at Rory. I gave him curls so his red with the spikes doesn’t work </3#also noel. y’all didn’t see it cus I didn’t FINISH it. and NOW she’s built different so I CANT use it !!!#maybe I’ll still post it cus like. the colors are fine. she is just built a lil different than how I drew her there#agaahavag my style is constantly evolving and with it comes design changes#one of the most obvious is me changing ppls noses from the clown ones I always put on ppl#to new ones that are more animal-like. haha fun <3 I love having to remake refs it is totally entirely fun and NOT hell on earth
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earlier I saw a post where Swifties were sharing a screenshot of John Green tweeting about how he likes Taylor Swift. just saw a different post of the same tweet posted by an apparent anti, and all the notes are people clowning on him like he's just admitted to some sort of bigotry and I am... baffled
#I'm pretty sure he's said at least one thing in the past that made me not like him BUT that's neither here nor there#THIS making people freak out is insane#somebody tagged something like 'I hope now people will finally stop defending this man' lol what???#I just... I genuinely don't get it#'cringe culture' isn't dead it's just evolved because what is this dunking on people for enjoying harmless stuff#it's honestly kind of exhausting to see this stuff constantly despite my attempts to avoid it. and for what#my original post#(it might be the brother I have the problem with. or maybe it's both. don't quote me)
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i keep having weird horror game nightmares
#one time i had a nightmare where i downloaded an app that put you in a randomized game during the nighttime. and you you couldn't delete it#without doing a ton of steps#and all of the games had different rules that you had to pay attention to or youd die. especially for ones with creatures in them#the last one i remembered had this thing that couldn't kill you as long as you were hidden and it didn't know and i was so terrified. i was#trying to delete the app forever but it tried to trick you into allowing the games to go on even if you deleted it. and once you did you#couldn't redownload it to get yourself out properly. i ended up being able to do it but i couldn't sleep the rest of the night because it#felt so real and i wasnt sure i had actually gotten out#and then yesterday night i had a dream i was selected by this weirdly religious like. 8 armed ball robot along with a group of other people#and it brought us to this house and it was fine for a bit but then things started happening and there ware rules. and there was another kid#there with me in this room and we had to hide under a blanket or else something would get you. and then it evolved so you also had to copy#the sound pattern it was making. but for that one there was also a different girl there was was definitely part of the house that i didn't#trust. and then there was this other thing where if you weren't tucked in this tall lady would eat you. and i was barely tucked in because#she came out of nowhere and i thought i was going to die but by some weird glitch it registered as tucked. but she leaned over me and tucke#me in properly and i was so sure she was going to kill me and she'd be all up close doing it. and i had this feeling constantly that the#robot was still around out there watching and it terrified me more than anything else#the last thing i remember from that wad waiting for the tall lady to make her rounds again but i woke up. and like again i wasnt all that#sure it didn't happen and then my mom checked up on me and it freaked me out dhfhdjsjkd#anyway i dont like dreaming#personal posts and stuff idk
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potentially triggering but ultimately harm reductionist statement about how people treat those with suicide ideation below, just a warning!
it's pretty fuckin rich that people tell suicidal people that they're "being selfish" by wanting to die, because it could not be more selfish to expect someone to just continue suffering through a life they do not want simply because their death would make them sad.
the people who say that kind of thing never want to offer any genuine help to the suicidal person that will change their life circumstances in a lasting way. they never want to house them, get them medical care, pay off their debts, introduce them to new friends, nurse them through a years-long trauma recovery process, get them a pet, drive them to a support group every week, buy them their groceries, clean their house, listen to them talk about their tough feelings for the millionth time.
lasting healing within a dramatically different and better life is never what they want for the suicidal person. they just want the person to not do anything that would make them sad. and not look too sad when they are around them, either, because even if they do white-knuckle their way through a painful existence, they are expected to also make it look easy.
but it's funny, isn't it, that by pushing away all thoughts of sadness, all thoughts of suicide, the person who says such a dismissive thing to the suicidal person is revealing how much they are on the brink of despair themselves. if, when faced with a suicidal person, your number one goal is to prevent their suicide for the sake of your own emotions rather than to improve circumstances for the suicidal person themselves, well, your own emotional grip on reality must be quite tenuous indeed. if you think the most important emotionally reality about a suicide is how it impacts you and not the person that has done it, well, you really must think that it's normal to expect other people to just constantly silently suffer for one another.
there's almost a bit of sick envy that i sometimes hear when people claim that they suicidal are "selfish." the statement almost seems to betray that everybody thinks of suicide at one point or another, that everyone has been in enough pain before that they've wished for it to end, but that since they have endured, they expect everyone else to endure the same for them, so that they don't slip into despair again as well.
it's so offensive because it is such a deeply missed opportunity. instead of batting away the statements of a suicidal person as if they were the greatest, most evil taboo, a person could really sit with them in their despair and say hey, I have felt that way too.
If only we lived in a world where acknowledgement of suicide ideation was not so taboo. Even psychologists and psychiatrists treat it as this untouchable thing, they freak out and jump into action and rob you of your body autonomy if you are willing to voice that you have thought of it. but virtually everyone has thought of it at one point or another, and some live with thoughts of it all the time forever but still have basically decent lives that they experience as worthwhile.
the legal apparatus that exists to prevent suicides at all costs have made it too risky for any kind of healthcare professional to allow the frank acknowledgement of suicide ideation to happen. hell, even the protections that have evolved online to supposedly "protect" suicidal people by filtering out content about suicide and redirecting those browsing for information about it to suicide prevention resourcse has, counterproductively, served to make the state of suicidality even more unspeakable. it cannot be spoken about, cannot be posted about, cannot be acknowledged, is not permitted, is never allowed to just be.
and that harms suicidal people so much.
we are so deeply selfish and cowardly in how we approach suicide and suicidal people.
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K-Pop Spotlight: DAY6
Come one, come all to a K-Pop Spotlight that is sure to dazzle and delight ’til the final curtain. This week, all eyes are on DAY6 following the release of their eighth mini-album, Fourever, and brand new title track, "Welcome to the Show." We caught up with the band to discuss their goals as they approach their 10th anniversary and their ever-growing connection to their fans through their music. Check out our full interview below!
Tracks like “Welcome to the Show,” “The Power of Love,” and “Get The Hell Out” seem to have very different themes. Can you tell us a little about how these songs relate to each other and what aspects make this album cohesive?
SUNGJIN: As we pursue the idea of being a 'band that sings every moment,' it seems like our albums, including the recent one, prioritize diversity in songs and situations rather than unity. Consequently, our albums contain various genres and narratives. However, there seems to be a commonality in most songs, depicting situations that everyone has either gone through or might experience.
Young K: First and foremost, I would say this album is a compilation of the best songs we could create. There's definitely a theme of love running through it. "Welcome to the Show," "The Power of Love," and "Get The Hell Out" all talk about the concept of love.
What goes into creating titles for DAY6 songs and albums, especially those that don’t come directly from your lyrics? Do you find it hard to condense the intentions and themes of a song into a title?
Young K: While there have been cases like that, all the songs on this album came from the lyrics. Sometimes, when choosing a title, we select the one that best describes the song—other times, we choose to give it a twist or make it more intriguing.
WONPIL: Naming songs involves a lot of deliberation. We often contemplate which title will catch the eye and capture the song's essence. Usually, we try to take it from a verse in the chorus. This can be a challenging part of the songwriting process.
Is there a creative project you’ve always wanted to work on but haven’t gotten the chance/found the time?
SUNGJIN: I'm very curious, and have a principle of "trying to experience as much as possible." There are so many things I want to try musically and personally, especially among the things I know but haven't tried yet.
DOWOON: I hope we can have a song that we can collaborate on with My Day, like a choir.
What does your work/studio setup look like? Where do you feel the most creatively inspired?
DOWOON: We try to keep the studio as tidy as possible and make it comfortable for practice sessions.
WONPIL: When working on songs, we talk a lot. We get inspiration from little conversations, joking around, sharing stories, and listening to music from various eras regardless of genre while giving opinions. We also try to build emotional connections with the songs. There’s a lot of communication going on. The songwriting process takes place in the studio of our long-time collaborator, composer Hong Jisang, with whom we've been working together since our debut.
How do you want to evolve as a musician/producer?
Young K: I want to be eagerly anticipated and awaited as an artist. Without those who wait for us, we wouldn't release or even step onto the stage. So I’m always thankful for My Day.
WONPIL: My biggest goal is to make good music for My Day and the public, so I think I'll continue to ponder. When working on songs, I pour my sincerity into them. I constantly strive to express this sincerity musically, fully capturing the emotions I want to convey. I hope to create songs that can still be listened to even after 10 or 20 years.
Design your own Tumblr blog: choose an aesthetic, a blog name, and would you be a frequent poster or lurker?
SUNGJIN: I think I’ll use it to catch up on friends' updates. For the blog name, THUMB BLUR sounds good to me. I might end up being a lurker who never posts.
DOWOON: Maybe a blog for plants? I think I'll post it like a diary.
Want more DAY6? Check out their new mini album Fourever and the music video for the title track “Welcome to the Show,” both out now!
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Hello!
I know its probably too soon but im obsessed with "i dont even know you anymore" but one of these days could you make a continuation with the reader and aaron getting close and the team sees it and they are all cute and he treats her like a gentleman (with a bit of age gap because...its just right).
Thank you, and i totally get it if you dont want to do it and want it to be just a "stand alone".
Xoxo😘
omg I love this idea!!!! i hope i did it justice :)
i don't even know you anymore- s.reid /a.hotchner
a/n: intended for fem or male reader, so imagine what you like:)))))))))
summary: you can get past your break up with Spencer, especially with Aaron by your side, right?
pairing: aaron hotchner x reader, brokenupspencer reid x reader
warnings: general angst, cheating and breaking up, general fighting, kissing, emotional stuff
PART 1
4 moths post-breakup
It had been a gruelling 4 months. You had moved out of Spencer and your shared apartment, much to his disappointment. You had broken up with him the morning after, knowing you wouldn’t have felt secure in the relationship had it gone on. Emily, your best friend on the team, had been letting you live with her and she had told Aaron. It was clear as day to everyone that Aaron had a soft spot for you. As the youngest on the team (you were the same age as Spencer, just a few months younger), he felt it was his duty. He’d always step in if a superior was belittling you, always step up if an officer was flirting with or objectifying you when Spencer was too busy to notice, and he had reached out after the breakup, telling you that he could reassign you if you wanted, but urged you to stay on the team since you were such an asset.
Your text conversations started with that, and slowly evolved into daily conversations about anything. Cute photos of Jack, funny jokes that soon turned into inside jokes, ideas on cases, and plans to get coffee. Your daily texts from Aaron, the support from Emily and the team, and the knowledge that you’d done the right thing for yourself, made the shitty time easier. What wasn’t easy was Spencer's daily ‘apology coffee’. He’d get you a coffee from your favourite coffee shop and write a sticky note, begging to even just talk. It was becoming soul-shattering how sad he constantly looked. A part of you wanted to run back to him and just be there for him, but you knew it’d only cause you pain. Jj refused to talk to you unless it was about a case, or to chew you out over Spencer’s devastated state and her now failing marriage at least once a week. You’d reached out to Will, assuming he’d known. He hadn’t, and now he was taking the kids. You felt bad, truly, and you wished you hadn’t said anything, but there’s only so much someone can do. You’d told Jj the second it happened and apologised profusely. Did she curse you out over the phone? Yes. Did she say Spencer never truly loved you? Yes.
But did any of that fix her marriage? No.
Cases and days passed uneventfully, full of blood, guts, and longing glances from Spencer. You had started going apartment hunting recently and you felt better. You felt like yourself again.
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6 months post-breakup
This case was particularly difficult, the unSub was targeting women of your exact description, and you had been chosen to go undercover- your least favourite pastime.
“You don’t have to do this, you know that right?” Derek asked as he watched you turn your mic on.
“Who else is? He needs to be stopped.”
“You don’t have to be the one to stop him, his behaviour isn’t escalating-” Spencer had budded in but you held up a hand to silence him. His rambling used to make you feel special because you were the only one who truly listened to him. You never cut him off or said something back-handed. You never made it a joke. Now his rambling felt bitter and silly to your ears, a reminder of just how stupid you’d been.
“I’ll be fine,” You sighed. “I’ve done this before, right?”
Derek nodded and pulled you into a quick hug. Spencer tried to pull you in for a hug but you dodged him, wanting to get all of this over with. You hated being undercover. It made you feel powerless and objectified.
“Agent?” Aaron coughed out and you stared in his direction. “Can I have a word?”
“Sure,” you shrugged and followed him into an empty interrogation room. “Planning on interrogating me?”
“Are you sure about this?” He asked, letting his guard down as he had so many times in the past few months. He had opened up about so much. He had opened up about Haley’s death, about how bad of a parent he feels, anything. He even let you come over and have a movie night with him and Jack once a week. Jack falls asleep halfway through and Aaron puts him to bed and you pick a movie that isn’t about paw patrol or trolls. Though you enjoy watching those all the same. Jack cuddles up to you and smiles at you until he falls asleep. It’s adorable.
“I’m sure. I’ll be fine, don’t worry Aaron,” you smiled, taking his hand. “I’m trained for this, right?”
“I’ll be right there,” he promised. “Say the word and we’ll come in.”
“I know,” you chuckled. “Thank you.”
“Promise me you’ll be careful?”
“I promise,” You smiled and kissed his cheek, leaving the room swiftly after.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being undercover was just about as terrible as you thought it would be. The unSub was an asshole, of course he was- he was murdering women. But he was a particular kind of asshole, the kind that takes women down for their insecurities so that he could lure them to him. He was verbally degrading you and if you were being yourself, you would’ve talked back. But, you were undercover and playing a college student.
And that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was when Spencer came in, acting as your ‘boyfriend’ to get him away, ruining the only chance you had at capturing the guy. You slumped against your seat in the SUV as Spencer attempted to justify his actions to the rest of the team outside the car.
“I thought he was going to-” He was speaking a mile a minute, but stopped when Aaron put his hand up.
“Do you have any idea what you just jeopardised?” He boomed, calm but clearly angry. “That was the closest we have ever been to him, and now he knows your face Spencer. He also knows Y/n’s face. He knows you're with the FBI and he knows we’re looking for him! Do you have any idea how stupid that was?”
“Hotch I’m sorry I-I was worried-” he tried to apologise but Aaron cut him off again.
“Spencer, we were all worried about Y/n. Every single one of us. But you have to remember that she’s a trained agent, and that she’s not your girlfriend anymore,” Aaron stormed off to the other car with Dave trailing behind as the rest of the team stood there, shocked.
“This is all your fault Y/N!” Jj provoked. “None of this would’ve happened if you didn’t make it such a big deal!”
You rolled your eyes and put on your headphones, the want to leave the team grew stronger everyday. You hated Spencer. You hated Jj. You didn’t know how much more you could take.
“Listen to me!” Jj urged and you just turned your music up as Emily and Derek began defending you.
Jj shoved you, and it was the last straw. You got up and out of the car. You knocked in Aaron’s window in the next car and he rolled it down. “Can I come with you two?”
They both nodded and Aaron opened his door, allowing you to climb in.
“What’s going on?” Dave asked after a moment of silence.
“The end of my time with the BAU. I’m leaving,” you sighed, not looking at Aaron. You’d technically gone over his head and went straight to Strauss, but you didn’t care. You weren't going to change your mind on this, and you didn’t want him to try.
“That’s very sad news,” Dave sighed. “You’re a great asset to this team.”
“I’m just dividing it. There’s no need for me to cause this much trouble. Spencer would’ve never gone in if he didn’t think he was ‘saving’ our relationship, Jj would be more focused on work and there would be less tension. I’m so sick of everyone picking a side. It’s not fair.”
“But you shouldn’t have to leave, this doesn’t need to happen-” Aaron started but Dave cut him off.
“You're doing a very kind thing for people that probably don’t deserve it,” Dave sighed. “Where are you planning on going after?”
“I don’t know yet,” You shrugged and saw Aaron practically deflate.
“You have no plan?” He asked, clearly concerned.
“No? I have a law degree, I might go into that, or I’ll just join another department at Quantico. I don’t have everything mapped out right now Aaron.”
Aaron remained with a hardened look on his face the rest of the ride to the airport. The tension in the air was palpable and, to be honest, you were sick of it. You just wanted this to be over with. It was draining, and taking a toll on you mentally. Any breakup would, but this breakup included the team. The most important people to you were forced to pick a side and chose who was in the wrong or right. Jj and some others from the office had picked Spencer’s side, saying it was unfair that you didn’t hear him out. Whereas Penelope, Emily, Aaron, Dave, Derek, and the rest of the office took your side, saying it was wrong to kiss someone else, especially a mutual friend and coworker, and someone he’d admitted to having a serious crush on. You were done. You were leaving.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------
8 months post-breakup
Honestly, not being on the BAU had some getting used to. Your team had been your family for so long that being without them felt strange. You had been reassigned to the Criminal Justice Information Services Division, or CJIS for short. You’d moved a whole 4 and half hours away from Quantico, much to the team's chagrin. You loved it there, it was a nice change. Though, you missed your weekly movie nights at Aaron’s (those now had to be turned monthly), you missed your daily catch-ups with Emily which had to be moved over facetime, since you didn’t live down the block from each other anymore, and you missed being a profiler. You missed Pen, David and Derek, you even kind of missed Jj.
A knock sounded at your door and you instantly got up and smiled, opening it without even looking.
“Jack!” You wrapped the little boy up in a large hug and felt him giggle into your shoulder. You heard Aaron’s laughter and looked up at him, grabbing his hand and squeezing it as a small greeting. Jack wrangled himself out of your arms and began to run inside your house, desperate to eat the freshly popped popcorn you always made for him.
“Hi honey,” Aaron smiled, pulling you in for a hug. His nicknames always made you feel special, your favourite being ‘honey’. You thought it sounded more romantic and endearing than other nicknames. Not that you thought of Aaron in a romantic way. Never. You wouldn’t. Not even when he picked Jack up with ease, a t-shirt on to show the swell of his biceps. Not when he crept his arm around you during movies. Definitely not when we helped you cook in the kitchen, for example, when you made bread. He looked so-
You pushed those feelings out of your head.
“Hey Aaron,” you smiled as he pulled away. “How are you?”
“I’m fine thank you, how are you?” He asked, a small smile on his face.
“I’m good, I love my new department,” You beamed, though this topic was clearly a sore one for Aaron. His body language changed, he was more rigid, more tense.
“That's good,” he deadpanned. “The BAU misses you.”
“I miss them too,” you chuckled, reminiscing on better times. “Send them my love, will you?”
“Of course, honey,” he smiled again as he saw you get flustered.
The night went off as usual, Jack falling asleep immediately, putting him to bed in your guest bedroom, watching a movie, cleaning up, making out with Aaron on your couch- wait, what?
There you were, making out with Aaron on your couch. The tension had finally broken and now, his hands were on your waist as you straddled his legs, kissing him feverishly.
“I want you,” Aaron rasped. “I want you as my girlfriend.”
You pulled away, catching your breath. “Seriously?”
He nodded and kissed you again, even more forceful than last time.
“I’m yours,” you said in between kisses.
“You’re mine.”
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------
12 months post-breakup
Dating Aaron had been bliss. He was the perfect gentleman in every way, and he was perfect for you. You loved him. He loved you. He had also convinced you to come up to Quantico to see the team. Something that was becoming increasingly real as you stepped foot inside the bullpen and saw everyone’s faces. Spencer looked elated to see you, it was a full year since you’d broken up and maybe he was healed? Derek looked excited to see you, as did Penelope, David, Emily, and, of course, Aaron. He walked over and pulled you into a hug and smiled, happy that you were doing this. Penelope ran over next, then Emily, David, Derek and, finally, Spencer. Jj was nowhere to be seen- probably a good thing.
“It’s so good to see you, I didn’t realise you were coming back-” He rambled but you cut him off.
“I’m not coming back, I just came to say hi to everyone,” you smiled. “Aaron convinced me.”
Aaron tried to hide his smirk with his hand but it didn’t work well, and looking at Spencer, you’d think he was being faced with the most horrific challenge of his life.
“You’re who Aaron’s dating,” Spencer stated and there was a collective gasp from the office. You looked to Aaron in panic and he nodded.
“Yes, we are dating,” Aaron said, the focus turning to him. “It’s only new so I’d really like for everyone to calm do-”
“How could you do that to me?” Spencer turned to you, sounding broken-hearted. “You go after Hotch to make me, what? Jealous? To make me want you again? I’ve always wanted you, I’ll always want you! You don’t want him, you want me.”
“Spencer, I’m dating Aaron because I love him. Me and you are history, it happened a year ago!”
“It was a 3 year long relationship, you don’t just get over it in a few months,” Spencer seethed.
“Yeah, it took me a long time, but I am over it.”
“That’s not fair,” Spencer stormed off, clearly upset but no one went after him. The rest of your visit was filled with catching up with people, laughter, and a nice dinner. You and Aaron went back to his house, since you didn’t feel like driving the 4 and half hours home. As you went inside, you saw Jessica, she smiled at you as you caught up, then left when you were done talking. She had been watching Jack and put him to sleep, meaning you and Aaron had the house practically to yourselves. You noticed Aaron had been acting off since the confrontation with Spencer, you assumed it was anger but no, it was something else. You grabbed his hand and sat him on the couch, sitting beside him.
“Talk to me,” you pleaded, a hand running through his hair.
“About what?” he chuckled, though it lacked humour and life.
“About what’s wrong.”
He stared at you for a moment, then sighed. “I understood Spencer’s point. You shouldn’t want me. I’m not exactly in the prime of my life, I have a child, I’m not exactly up to going clubbing or things like that. You should be with someone your own age. Someone like Spencer-”
“Spencer cheated on me. Aaron, I love you. I love you so much. You’re the most handsome, caring, and loving person I’ve ever met, you’re a brilliant dad, you and I both know I wouldn’t go clubbing either way, and you’re very proficient in other forms of exertion so I wouldn't worry about that. I love you Aaron. You.”
You pressed a soft kiss to his lips, a kiss that soon turned heated. You knew he understood you. You knew he heard you. And you knew you’d be ok.
You loved him, he loved you.
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