#confused and frustrated i guess
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So... in 90-something-degree (F) weather with a hundred-something-degree heat index, there's a group of about 15 people Running. from, like... point A to point B all the way across town to raise money for X/Y/Z charity. (Led by a slow-moving ambulance which is ostensibly there as an escort but which I REALLY hope is equipped to help in case any of the runners pass out from heat stroke, sun stroke, exhaustion, dehydration, etc.)
Yet all I can think as they pass by is, "Why in the world is This the way we humans raise money for charities??" These people are out RUNNING in one of the most lethal heat waves in recorded human history?? And that's really the best way to get other people to either contribute to a cause or become aware of a cause??
(I mean, mad respect to these folks for Caring that much about something. And yes, I do know about crowdfunding. And I think it's great, although I hate that it's gotten to be—in the US, anyway—essentially an emergency support-network substitute for health insurance/social security for so many people because our healthcare system is so f***ed up, but I digress.)
I just... *keysmash* I'm a cynic through and through, I consider myself to be professionally depressed—but even I refuse to believe that a dozen people putting their health and possibly their lives on the scorching pavement like this is truly the most efficient means of fundraising or spreading awareness for a charity, because honestly... how broken is our society that this is what charitable organizations have come to? It just seems like utter brutality to me.
(Disclaimer: I fully understand that I could be 100% wrong. I don't lead or work for a 501(c)3, I'm not an athlete, and I'm definitely not a runner, so maybe these folks actually derive some kind of enjoyment out of these charity runs. 🤷 But... in this kind of heat?? I don't buy it.)
Isn't there some way to fundraise for Good Causes that would be actually conscientious toward all parties involved? Like... I don't know. Have people pledge 50 cents for every piece of litter you pick up on a charity walk, and all the walkers go through a different neighborhood in town, and on their own time, when it's not dangerous to their health or safety to do so (aka not exerting their bodies to the maximum capacity at high noon on a sunny over-100-degree day). Or raise five dollars for every row of soil you till or seed in a community garden or something.
No clue what my point is here, but having a gaggle of already toxically-thinspo-looking people try to jog down the road on one of the hottest days of the year while sweating out what I can only imagine is every possible nutrient left in their bodies just doesn't feel like "the answer." 🤔
#not trek#random thoughts#babbling#jtkchu rambles#confused and frustrated i guess#idk what i'm talking about#phone pledge drives like on public television make more sense to me and i'm one of *The* Most Phone-Phobic People on the Planet#these poor bastards seriously i just stared and felt appalled like#did our crappy society drive you to do this drastic a thing purely to raise money or awareness for a thing??#or are you doing this because you somehow *enjoy* putting your body through absolutely barbaric conditions like this??#just grateful the whole thing has an ambulance close at hand because are you *kidding* me? just seems like a recipe for death#social consciousness or something idk#charities and fundraising and the terrible things we apparently make people go through to try and make a difference in the world#brainstorming but really it's more like brainfarting in the literal sense of farting not the 'drawing a blank' sense#i need a nap#apocalyptic heat mention#climate change mention#american units of measure aka wtf do these numbers mean where tf did they come from why tf are they so arbitrary and user-unfriendly??#not really looking for discourse or anything i just 🤔🤔🤔#man. seeing folks putting themselves through that hell made my heart sad in a way i don't really know how to explain 😕❤️🩹#anyway#stfu jtkchu
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i think one of the least used concepts in elder scrolls lore is its nebulous relationship to truth.
like something i do actually appreciate about that cunt kirkbride's writing in morrowind is that the mythology of the tribunal is allowed to be relatively ambiguous and there's room for poetry and fable and unreliable narrators. there's a strong general tendency in both fandom and dev to interpret lore quite literally and treat every text as reliable sources of fact about tamriel even when the text is like. fiction or written with a clear bias towards certain factions or prejudices.
the main example I'm thinking of is the 'notes on racial phylogeny' lore book. it's literally just racist pseudoscience and in a real life context would be considered unreliable and deeply offensive. but in tes, i rarely see anyone stop to actually consider that perhaps this lore isn't really a factual study of how bodies work but about how the imperial empire categorises the people it colonises and justifies it's supremacy. there's so much focus on determining the rules and metaphysical aspects of the world that there's no consideration that the way factions like the empire see the world is inherently flawed.
it's fun to think of a world where stars are literal holes punched in the fabric of the sky, or that water is made of memory, but i also think it would be a much more fun and flexible world if these theories are considered to be just a few of many lenses that people in tamriel use to try to understand their world. some of my favourite pieces of lore and world building are things like 'cherims heart of anequina' that imply a rich world of culture and art; i love the idea that tamriel has art and art critics and people who discuss ideas for other purposes than trying to figure out what's The Only True Lore.
#martin posts#tes#morrowind#the elder scrolls#ugh i do not feel that confident in my ability to analyse and write essays on stuff but i like to try anyway#when i started googling stuff i just got more confused and frustrated. these games must be very hard to write a wiki about#i would someday like to put these ideas into better words and gather more evidence. but writing it here is a start i guess
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holy fck it just truly sunk in how fucking STUPID jin guangshan was. how insidious the classism in mdzs was always at work.
it is INSANE to me that he refused to value meng yao more beyond recognizing him as a jin when he just won the war.
He became sworn brothers with TWO sect leaders, guaranteeing a favorable position for their sect and all but ensuring that JGS would be Chief Cultivator after the war.
he couldve (SHOULD HAVE) used JGY as a line to both NMJ and LXC's ear--pressuring him to leverage their brotherhood in the Jin's favor, and also to monitor the movements of the other sects (assessing the political landscape as it were).
and JGY was ready to do it! he wasnt particularly happy about it but that's just how badly he wanted JGS's recognition! and he would've done GREAT at it, better than he already did.
and yet none of that was able to outweigh the circumstances of his birth
#idek where im going with this man im just baffled and frustrated#not baffled as in confused but as in astounded. as in flummoxed.#jin guangyao#jin guangshan#i guess this is meta?#mdzs
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okay i'm gonna rant a lot (like. a LOT) about the ahsoka series and most of it is like. pretty critical, so please skip if you love the series! (you're valid and there are things I did like about the show i'm just. frustrated and tired i guess)
i think i just really miss animated ahsoka and like. ahsoka having actual flaws y'know? and like being an actual character that I can relate to.
it bothers me SO much that she like. has no reverence or even respect for all the jedi who mentored her, to the point that she won't even mention them? instead she mentions anakin, who yes had a major role in her training, obviously, but he's also the source of a lot of her trauma. HE'S the one who stormed the temple and killed jedi. he's the one who spent years afterwards hunting down the rest and killing them — the same people who took ahsoka in when she was a child and raised her.
literally, anakin is the one who tried to kill HER in rebels.
but it's fine because "he's the only one who stood by her even when no one else would" right? and "he was a good master" because he left recordings for her and taught her to survive and —
like okay.
okay.
anakin and ahsoka's relationship is wonderful and important and I love their dynamic in TCW. seeing anakin be in a position of mentorship was really cool, and ahsoka's personality worked with his PERFECTLY.
but TCW also made it a point to see ahsoka be mentored by other jedi, and that was one of the things I loved most about it. we get to see ahsoka with plo koon, with aayla secura, with luminara unduli, with tera sinube, and it was amazing to see all these different jedi and how they're all wonderful and unique and AMAZING through the lens of ahsoka.
but now it's like. she doesn't even mention any of them? in rebels she did mention a few and I was happy to see that, but in the ahsoka series it's like. only anakin, the rest of the jedi don't even matter to her because "wow anakin was the only one who ever stood by me no one else did anything for me"
also damn i used to LOVE sabine. when I was watching rebels I was so in awe of her because she's so cool and interesting and intelligent and has that creative fun side to her as well? and the fact that tiya sircar is an american with bengali origins (just like me) made me feel like. really good about her and her character.
when natasha liu bordizzo was cast as sabine for ahsoka I was pretty disappointed — not because she wasn't asian because she absolutely is, but because to me, sabine was indian-coded. in rebels, her entire family (except for her father iirc) were all portrayed by indian voice actors. that could not have been a coincidence. it was something that I was grateful to see — that I can see interesting, intriguing characters in animation and in star wars that look like me.
but like, fine. I decided to look past it and try to be excited for the show.
but now I feel like sabine is like. a totally different character who she was in rebels. and I understand that the show tries to write off her change in personality as grief over what had happened to her family, but it just doesn't feel like a logical direction from where she is at the end of rebels to where she is at the beginning of ahsoka. maybe if the show decided to take more time to explain what happened during that time or even gave us some flashbacks to that time, i'd be more accepting of it but it doesn't. it just feels jarring to me.
more than that, sabine literally condemns the home galaxy to whatever thrawn will end up doing in his attempts to bring back the empire because she gave baylan the map. rebels sabine would never have done that. it's as though she completely forgot not only what kanan sacrificed when he died, but also ezra at the end of rebels.
and the fact that we don't see ezra finding out about what sabine did (and we likely never will) is INFURIATING to me. like????? this is such an important thing and he doesn't know about it?
and we think about the fact that sabine doing all of this for ezra is something that's like. so attachment-coded and such a central theme of star wars but then not really facing any consequences for doing that is like. hello????? it almost feels like the show is encouraging unhealthy attachment, which is extremely counter to what star wars and being a jedi is all about.
and to be clear, the concept of a character in their thirties who was previously considered non-force sensitive training to become a jedi but struggling to reach the force is definitely interesting. i feel like if it was done for a different character, I may have been more on board for it. the problem with it being sabine is that I feel like this arc is almost at the expense of the arc she had in rebels and it takes away from the aspects of her personality that I really enjoyed in rebels -- like her art??? her mandalorian identity????
i would've also been okay with her like. becoming someone like chirrut imwe — like being someone who believes in the force and the jedi way, and like seeking internal balance for herself, but her becoming force sensitive "because she trained and trained and really wanted it so badly for literal years" (even though rebels never showed us that she wanted to be a jedi, even when she was literally living with two of them and learned solely to use a lightsaber from kanan).
also no one tell chirrut imwe that he could've become force sensitive all this time, he just wasn't trying hard enough i guess. RIP.
okay another random topic change.
i'm eternally GRATEFUL that we didn't end up seeing ahsoka taking obi-wan's place on mustafar to fight anakin because that would've. i probably would've turned off my tv right then and there. (there was a leak about obi-wan's dead body being shown i'm assuming on mustafar but who knows. and genuinely i think that would've traumatized me. i'm not kidding.) i was so NERVOUS about this happening, and i'm really glad it didn't. here's hoping they don't do it in season 2 or whatever ends up coming next for ahsoka.
(ewan please stay away from the mando-verse shows i'm begging)
that being said, looking back at ahsoka's journey from start to where we are now, I just feel sad. I feel like we hit such a beautiful ending point to her arc at the end of rebels and now this show completely soured it for me. I have no idea how they're going to resolve it from here, and I'm getting this sinking feeling that we're never going to get to a beautiful ending point for her character now because we've gone way too far and there's no way to step it back.
I feel like sabine is like. a completely different character than who she was in rebels. literally, in my head, sabine from rebels is a different person. I think that's the only way I can make sense of this in my head. I can't connect the two together.
anyways, sorry for the long rant, now that it's been almost a week since the finale and I had time to reflect, I'm realizing that I'm not very happy about this series. there are things I did like (ie. ezra, huyang, baylan, shin, the music), but I feel like they really fumbled on the main two characters here and it's really unfortunate.
#ahsoka show#ahsoka spoilers#ahsoka critical#(guess it's time for me to use that tag rip)#it's just sad to me because i LOVE writing ahsoka as a lot of you know#she was genuinely my second favorite character in star wars#now i'm just confused and frustrated#and sad#anyways dave filoni you gotta stop please#knowing when to end a story is SO important#you had it right there but now it's like. hblergh.#ahsoka tano#sabine wren#sabine critical
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I'm so bad at drawing kisses why is it so hard ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
#been a while since I’ve gotten this frustrated while trying to draw something T-T#I guess it’s good it means I’m pushing myself but like. WHY CANT IT JUST BE EASY#I don’t even know what’s confusing about it but my brain just can’t compute it 😭😭#caitiechat
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ordinarygamer made a tweet about dream basically saying the situation was confusing and he's waiting for the video. i think it's starting to get bad enough that ccs are questioning what's true.
anogie im gonna be real at this point i dont care what some ordinarycunt says about dream. i dont care about moistcunt i dont care about cuntwite etc. free yourself from the twt trenches
#like yeah no fucking duh the situation is confusing sorry i just really have no patience for ccs outside of munchy#nowadays in how they handle situations like this the only opinions i trust are my own atp. like good for them i guess but like. whatever.#just frustrating#anon.txt#ask.txt
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You..you folks know that hating/not understanding small talk is a super common thing for autistic people to experience, right?
#seen a lot of posts berating people who don't like small talk and it's a little uncomfy#like talking about how it makes them actually angry hearing ppl say they don't like small talk#or saying just learn how to do it better!#some people can't learn#it's actually massively difficult and highly confusing#the layers of nuance that go into the process of getting to know people slowly or having small interactions with others is mind boggling#like just responding to how's it going? is a complicated thing to figure out#and to a lot of autistic folks these things genuinely feel like weird incomprehensible mind games rather than genuine interactions#because they're situations that involve a lot of what feels like dishonesty and hiding for mysterious reasons#but whatever i guess our souls will just always be small if we can't figure out how to mask hard enough to stop pissing you off 🙃#i'm understanding small talk a lot better now but for the first two and a half decades of my life it was a frustrating struggle#yeah there's a lot of jokes about how shitty and stupid small talk is which probably doesn't feel the greatest to ppl who like it#but i'm willing to bet a good portion of that is coming from a place of frustration and isolation#from people who have difficulties understanding a key piece of how most people build friendships
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// AGGRESSIVE SIGHING
just dropped my last d&d game because holy shit I am so tired of getting misgendered.
#ooc tbd.#tw negativity#// the group is 4 trans women and one cis dude#// guess who the only one who HASN'T misgendered me is#// yeah I was surprised to but it's the cis dude#// everyone else is constantly she/her-ing me#// or was bc I have removed them from my life and therefore from the opportunity to do so#// I just#// I wanted fantasy escapism not to torpedo my mental health on the weekly#// for the record this isn't talking shit about transfemmes at all#// I'm just confused and frustrated#// like#// ??????????????
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*crawls out of a nearby dumpster*
Okay I feel like it'd be really fucking funny to make a crossover between Candle Cove and like literally any modern or semi-modern (as in 90's-present) Children's Pirate Media, especially if you keep the Children's Media characters just as kiddie and morally upright as they are in their respective canon. MEANWHILE you have the Candle Cove cast, who range from, in order of most to least innocent, a mentally damaged child to an actual literal serial killer.
What I'm getting at is that I want to make a Candle Cove/Patch the Pirate crossover because I think the absolute funniest way to put Percy and Janice into Situations is to make them deal with characters from the Fundie Pirate Show.
*crawls back into the dumpster*
#like i have this mental image of Percy and Janice getting stranded and being found by Patch and co.#and Percy alternating between confused frustrated at everyone's antics and just being like 'is this some sort of joke'#meanwhile Janice just Goes With It#like 'okay i guess we're doing bad Christian music now'#'i do not get a choice in this matter'#candle cove
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yknow someday im going to write a rant post about how usa-centric so much of internet drama is, and how it’s simultaneously frustrating and bewildering to observe from a “literally anywhere else in the world” perspective
#confusing at times#people will argue so fiercely about issues that I never even dreamt would be a problem#I think the frustration comes with the double standard though#where everyone is expected to be educated on usa-centric issues or politics#but you ask the average usa tourist about like Anything here#and they’ll have very little idea#idk. I guess it’s because ive been indulging in twt drama lately LMAOOO#and so ive been noticing it a lot more
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No but I’m actually so fragile about the fact that Shang Qinghua is both the only person to ever stick around for Mobei Jun and the only person to ever verbally tell him “I will never leave you. I will always be in your corner.”
Mobei Jun is just a sad dude in a scary world who has to constantly guard himself against his own damn family and who has probably never had a real friend or a real ally in his life before and at that point he’s a scared fucking teenager in the most cutthroat royal court in any realm and. This random fucking anxious HUMAN cultivator, a teenager himself, saves his goddamn life even though they don’t know each other and MOBEI JUN IS A DEMON AND THIS KID IS A HUMAN, and tells him, hey, is it cool if I follow you for the rest of my life?
Now the whole thing is very weird and suspicious but this kid did go through a LOT of trouble to save his life and like…like what if it’s NOT too good to be true, you know? What if Mobei Jun could have an ally? Someone who believes in him? Someone who gives a shit whether he lives or dies, who’s invested in his success? What if Mobei Jun could have, for the first time in his life…a friend?
#i feel like I never know what Mobei Jun is thinking so this is a lot of guesses as to his thought process#so you can disagree strongly with me if you want#i just think that a lot of the time when sqh is like ‘oh my god MBJ is 3 seconds away from wringing my neck’#that MBJ is rarely actually mad at him he’s just confused or contemplating and his face just kinda. looks like that#i do think it probably makes him angry and frustrated when he can’t figure things out right away and that might show on his face#but he’s not mad AT Qinghua he’s just baffled
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yknow I think the core of my problems rn is the fact that I never thought I'd live long enough to have to make all these big life decisions
#like. as a kid i never really daydreamed abt college or careers or whatever because i genuinely didnt think i'd be alive to experience them#and idk. knowing that ive outlived my own expectations for myself kinda helps contextualize all this shit im dealing with rn#like obviously it sucks. i dont know what im doing or where im going or what i want to be and its scary and confusing and frustrating.#but its also. kind of liberating too. in a way#because im Alive to be worrying about this shit. which is more than young me ever thought i would do#and idk. i think that speaks for itself.#life sucks rn and im not having a good time because i thought i would be dead by the time i graduated high school#but by god i WASNT dead by the time i graduated high school and im not dead now. and i dont intend to be any time soon.#tonight's existential crisis is a mixture of crisis and hope i guess <3#winter speaks#personal#tw suicide mention#<- not really but just in case#im not even sure what im trying to say im just thinking ig#goodnight <3
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do i have adhd/add or is my brain just permanently damaged by depression and anxiety in a way that manifests like a lot of the adhd/add symptoms?
ill probably never know......
#atlas the thinker#personal#the frustrating thing is like most of the therapists and stuff i have seem to think i probably have adhd but its like....#they also dont idk#its a confusing situation#and part of me wants to know but part of me is like... fine with not knowing. fine with just being who i am#but idk i guess it depends on how things develop in my future lol#adhd#neurodivergent?
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hey like???
why is life so difficult? why are things so asinine?
inefficient?
unethical?
why???????????????? is it like this
right now
#radtalks#idk what this is#a vent i guess!!!#im just frustrated#going to have to wait another like 3 weeks#b4 i see a therapist again#and also get a psych eval#thought i already had one but okay#idk why theyre giving me one a year after i started services but okay#probably bc i made the mistake of giving them a preferred name and now they keep fuckin up my name in the system#idk im sorry im whiny ive been trying to get better for over ten years and things are still like#complicated and confusing and now i feel like im way worse off because im getting older#ive lost so much time trying to get better#am i getting better?#i just want to know ill be able to afford to live#idk i dont want to let anyone down#just rambling sorry again!!!
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(vaguely disordered) eating mention in the tags
#lately I’ve had the Hardest time rmring to eat & like . i won’t rmr unless someone tells me to eat or im abt to pass out#which is bad i Know but idk how to rmr but anyway . i Did rmr to eat today n made like an actual meal instead of snacks#and like . im not hungry :////#it’s food i like and will eat and ive not rly eaten today otherwise#but like i ate maybe a third of what i grabbed for myself & im not hungry anymore & can’t make myself eat more n idk Why#idk where I’m going w this either im just frustrated n confused i guess . bc like obv it’s a problem#but when I try to fix it my body is like nah <3#bad & annoying .
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the song leak I had found on a not-shady site prior to the album even being released, where it was labelled a luke song. I think someone’s tried to use it for clicks/to make money on youtube by renaming naming it to a 5sos track? it has a really similar melody to saigon which is why it might have been scrapped
Yes, I did end up reading somewhere that the song had been floating around for a while under Luke's name! Which makes a lot more sense to me since his is the only recognizable voice on the track and there's not much stylistically similar to 5SOS5. So I think you're right, it's only picking up steam rn bc someone slapped the band's name on it.
#i don't think it quite fits that project either tbh - but maybe i just don't think it's a very strong song i guess idk 😂😂#but again this is why i don't love leaks as a concept - I'm a person who needs context 😂#like i can't even say for sure if this is a demo or a finished track so it feels weird to judge it#and without knowing the context in which it belongs it's even more confusing#not to mention the other layer of the band having just released a 19 track album#only for the fanbase to be rabid and @-ing them over a song that was rejected 😭😭#i was frustrated on their behalf lol#ask#anon
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