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weaselbeaselpants · 1 year

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The Eight Rings of Bad Internet Reviewer Hell

-Ring One: Listicle-Fever-

A source that’s better at cataloging content worth the viewer’s interest gets it into their head that they are a decent source of information and critical opinion. Bonus points: +the source is user generated and voted for without moderation, so it’s really no one’s actual opinion +article sites quote each other as a source

Examples: WatchMojo, Cracked.com, Listverse

Exceptions: PanPizza and CR

-Ring 2: Funnyman thinks he’s a Reviewer "oh god"-

While everyone's a critic, not everyone is a reviewer. This bad faith + bad take combo comes from a person who’s better at making observational jokes (riffs) at something, but then thinks said jokes are meaningful analysis simply because they occasionally point out actual problems in the material. Bonus points: +jokes are offensive and not funny +they’re actively ignoring the actual text to make jokes +deflects their own critics by calling everyone who doesn’t buy into their jokes “butthurt fans”

Examples: CinemaSins, Cracked.com, post Demo-Reel Doug Walker, ScreenJunkies

Exceptions: Rifftrax/MST3K, Retsupurae (rip), ABrandontoThePast, penguinz0

-Ring 3: “Let’s go through the movie together :D”-

A standard retrospective-based review format; best used on contained 3-act structures. The reviewer obviously has the foresight of having watched something before they discuss it to the audience. At their best, these kinds of reviews are fun. At their worst, these videos are just validation farms designed to rip on something sillystupid. Bonus points: +performatively angry and over the top +reviewer takes the subject too seriously in a way that feels unpleasant or a chore to sit through as an audience +alternatively, they have the same trouble as the ‘Funnyman’ and holds no interest in what they’re talking about

Examples: Irate Gamer, MysteriousMr.Enter, ConfusedMathew, Doug Walker again

Exceptions: PeanutButterGamer, Jenny Nicholson, Phelous and Allison Pregler, Bad Princess Movie Podcast, Double Toasted, YourMovieSucks, ToddintheShadows

-Ring 4: Super-Fan-Fail-Theorist-

Bi-monthly theorizing about what a new plot development for a show is, or after-the-fact musing on a what ‘something’ nebulously ‘means’. Very often transforms into fan theorizing and analyzing media for conclusion’s sake. Prone to A LOT of bias of the fan reviewer’s absolutist-take. Obsessed with a product’s fringe and ultimately deeply invested in what is a shallow-insight. Bonus points: +reviewer won't parse the difference between their theory and the text +reviewer is defensive and won’t share the fandom with people who don’t share their take

Examples: Game Theory, Wisecrack

Exceptions: CinemaCartography, Jacob Geller, Sarah Zed and Lady Emily

-Ring 5: Wannabe Breadtube Retrospecterer-

Reviewer wants to be a researched, respected, ‘enlightened’ 2-hour vid maker but is really just an annoyed fan who’s lengthy reviews aren’t structured. Criticism might be valid, but is usually more about what the reviewer doesn't ‘like’ than what's actually wrong with something. Feels more like a lecture and a take-down than it is an enlightening hot take, at best. Also, it's your fault if you disagree with them and they live rent free in their critics heads- totally not the other way around! Bonus points: +incorrect, ludicrous, needless accusations tossed around at ppl they dislike +sounds like they're telling the audience how to feel, not why they feel think something is "awful and here’s why” +reviewer refuses to apologize or correct themselves if they get their facts wrong

Examples: Lily Orchard, Mysterious Mr. Enter again, half of the alt-light douchbags with hour long rants about Star Wars who ironically are all out to counter leftBreadtubers

Exceptions: Accented Cinema, Shaun, Folding Ideas, Xiran Jay Zhao, Princess Weekes, Lindsay Ellis, Lady Emily again, BenettetheSage's newest vids, Cheyenne Lin, and Sideways

-Ring 6: DNI-Danny -

Otherwise known as the “Anti". Jaded by years of abusive standom, they cling to good takes and criticism when it’s convenient for them but otherwise see fandom and critical analysis as a battlefield THEY MUST win. Very judgemental of people who don’t share their (sometimes exact) opinions; quick to gaslight/block/smear people just for association. Absolutist as a means of keeping oneself ‘safe’. Bonus points: +apologizing is NEVER AN OPTION +genuinely treats fandom takes as tho they’re comparable to politics and real morality +DNI list consists of MAPS, bigots, republicans and ppl who ship that toxic ship they don’t like +"no I didn't even watch the video, I don't have to!!" +"cancel culture doesn't exist"

Examples: Lily Orchard again and also prolly some tumblr user you know

-Ring 7: Choked on the Reddit-Pill-

Caught in a toxic dance of death with the DNI-Danny. May be the reason the former exists, but absolutely exists to counter the DNI-Danny at their bs by functioning more bs. So obsessed with being a counter argument and fighting for “actual social justice” (whatever that means) that they don’t recognize their own absolutism, centricism, or selfishness for what it is. Where the Anti counters with “think of the marginalized” the Reddit-Pill is obsessed with “well I’m not [worst case scenario] so why it is my problem that [worst case scenario] exists, HMMM???!” Bonus points if: +really love the term ‘moral guardians’ unironically +“fiction never reflects reality” +"cancel culture doesn't exist" +"some of us can tell the difference between fiction and reality"

Examples: Bad Webcomics Wiki, 4chan, half of the complacent "not me"-base that is KiwiFarms

-Ring 8: Actual Moral Guardians-

Not a jaded or concerned fan fighting for the rights of the marginalized, or for other people, at all. Not even a critic. Legit cult member working in ACTUAL bad faith. 100% unironically believes that liking (or even watching) something means you are being brainwashed/going to hell. Ostensibly has a skewed understanding of how media actually affects people (because they legit think it happens thru mind control and not emotional connections.

Never have good takes or good faith-basis of their own. They can only ever parrot criticisms from other people to fit their usually conservative-minded beliefs. Legit witchhunt.

Examples: Jordan Peterson, The Satanic Panic, Ben Shapiro, QAnon, Breitbart

inb4: "DID YOU KNOW that the reviewer you rec actually did-"/"they don't like that other reviewer you rec"/"they won't fuck you stop promoing them"

>I'm not here to tell you the ppl I recommended in the links are saints, good people, or even the best reviewers with the one take to rule them all. I don't know them. I'm recommending them on the basis of how to see this kind of reviewing done right.

>I'm not these reviewer's moms. I don't know them. I'm pretty sure some of these people dislike some of these other people- I don't even watch every person I recommended here- but why or how is none of my business. I'm recommending ppl as a viewer.

>I'm aroace and a lot of these people are married or taken. I HOPE they won't fuck me, tbh.

If your favoritist reviewer-person ever is on the example list, barring the final rings, it's none of my business Jan. I still like ScreenJunkies tbh.

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innytoes · 2 years

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There were so many good chaotic prompts I couldn’t choose so I’ll let you decide: 14 for Ralex, 41 for Wiggie, and 10 for Wiggie (platonic or romantic)

These are all so good and I might just do the other ones as well but NEVER GONNA GIVE UP A CHANCE TO MAKE FUN OF REGGIE'S DADDY ISSUES. The issue is that they're too hot.

Nobody at school knew Willie was rich. He'd seen the way some people treated the kids in his neighbourhood of mansions and villas and estates. He also saw the way they treated each other, which wasn't very nice either. It probably didn't help that they didn't see Willie as One Of Them, considering he was adopted and him and his dad had only just relocated to Hollywood.

Still, he preferred to be an outsider at the swank parties his dad dragged him to, finding the nearest dog or cat (or one time, really epic snake) to hang out with, than to be an outsider at school. He was still kind of an outsider at his new school, but just because he was the new kid. He could work with that.

So they skated to school, instead of letting Dad's driver drop him off in the town car. He wore cool stuff he'd found in thrift stores all over the world, stuff he altered himself. He didn't go to the Country Club, instead finding new places to skate around town. They blew off invitations to the hottest new clubs from kids who were only trying to Network with him because it was the Done Thing. Instead, he found his own places to go out.

That's how he'd met Sunset Curve, playing in an alley behind some club. Honestly, it was better than anything he'd heard inside, and he gave a whooping, hollering standing ovation when they'd finished the set. Reggie had bounced over to offer him a t-shirt (size beautiful, he'd said with a wink).

They'd cropped it, tie-dyed it in sunset colours, and had worn it to school the next week, only to be accosted by Luke Patterson, because it turned out Sunset Curve went to his school. And the rest was history.

And by history, he meant Luke had more or less dragged him into their friend group by force, introducing him to his boyfriend (Alex, the drummer), Best Bro (Bobby) and ‘I’m sure you remember Reggie’. There had been some very unsubtle winking and nudging, but it wasn’t like he was wrong. Reggie was pretty. And it turned out, when he wasn’t trying to be a suave rock star, he was also funny, and sweet, and lovely.

So now he had a boyfriend who liked them for who they were and not their money, and a built-in friend group. With Sunset Curve also came Julie, and Flynn, and even sometimes Bobby’s cousin Carrie and her Candies, though they kind of scared him a little. They managed to walk in perfect sync in the hallways, even when it was busy.

They were all at their usual table during lunch, trying to figure out their weekend plans. “We could go to the beach,” Willie suggested. Not because he wanted to see Reggie without his shirt or anything. Not like they had fantasies about rubbing sunscreen on Reggie’s back. Nope. The beach was just pure, wholesome fun. Like trying to help Luke dunk Bobby only for them both to be bodyslammed into the surf. Wholesome.

“We would, but some people got soft-banned from the pier after an illegal concert,” Julie said with a pointed look at Sunset Curve.

Luke looked unrepentant. “They didn’t need to call the cops or anything, we would have moved after we finished the set if they’d asked nicely. Besides, those people at the tables outside loved us.”

“You ran from the cops without me?” Willie said, pouting at his boyfriend.

“It was really more of a power-walk, considering we had to get Alex’ drumset out of there as well,” Reggie said, pressing a kiss into his hair. Well, that did make him feel better. “It’s a shame, it’s supposed to be really great out this Sunday. I guess we could-”

“I have a pool,” Willie blurted out. “I mean, the house has a pool. If you... you’d like to come over.” God, what were they doing? It wasn’t like they thought their friends would treat them differently if they found out Willie was rich. But it still felt weird, like maybe they’d judge him for not saying anything?

“All of us?” Flynn asked immediately, apparently seeing straight into his soul. “Or are you just inviting your boyfriend?”

Willie blushed. “Of course you’re all invited,” he said. “But Reggie gets first choice of pool floaties.” He grinned when Reggie pumped his fist dramatically in victory. Guess he’d have to go get some pool floaties. Maybe a pizza shaped one.

His dad didn’t even seem to mind that he’d invited over a ton of people. He honestly seemed kind of pleased. He’d just reminded Willie the pool house fridge was fully stocked, no running and cracking heads open, and to please ‘keep all wet teenagers out of the damn house, let them use the pool house’. And that he’d Be Around. Which Willie figured meant ‘if I so much as smell weed I am shutting this whole thing down young man’. Which, duh, he wasn’t about to mix drugs with swimming.

Okay, so maybe he’d only texted his friends the address at the very last minute. And maybe he hadn’t checked the group chat after that. Either they came, or they didn’t. If they were mean, then, well... he just wouldn’t open the gate and go up to his room to cry or something.

Except when the intercom rang, they saw at least three faces squished out the window of Bobby’s van, Reggie front and centre. “Hello, hot stuff! The party people have arrived!” he called, beaming when the gate opened up. “Oh man, that’s fancy. Wait, what if they have a butler or something? What if I just sexually harassed the-” his voice trailed off as Bobby drove the van up the driveway.

Willie chuckled, going to open the front door for them. He grinned as all his friends piled out, most of them already in Pool Party Attire. Luke was already shirtless, because he’d use any excuse to go shirtless, the girls had on cute cover ups, and Reggie… well, the black tan ktop and red board shorts were nice, but Willie had Plans for that shirt to come off sooner or later.

He lead them through the house and out the back, wincing as they looked around. Just act normal, he thought, and maybe they wouldn’t say anything. He lead them outside, and immediately winced. Of course, there in the garden, was his dad doing yoga. Because he couldn’t alter his schedule even a tiny bit so Willie wouldn’t be embarrassed. At least he was wearing a pair of short sweatpants and not those awful shiny short-shorts he usually wore.

“Dad,” he said, grabbing and all but dragging the closest person to him along in an effort to get out of there faster.

“William,” Dad said, amused, watching them go before shifting into Reverse Warrior. Julie gave an awkward wave, yelping out a ‘nice to meet you mister Covington!’ before Willie pulled her past the privacy bushes to the pool area. Luckily the others quickly followed.

“Woah, there’s a waterfall!” Luke said, excited.

“And a slide!” Reggie squealed. “And… pizza!” He pointed excitedly at the blow up pizza slice Willie had gotten. There was also a unicorn donut, with drink cup holder for whoever didn’t want to get their hair wet, and some inflatable balls.

The day was awesome. Nobody was mean about how he’d never told them he was rich, everyone enjoyed the pool, and Reggie took his shirt off and let Willie put sunscreen on his back. It was great. Except after a spirited round of ‘trying to drag Bobby under the waterfall’ Willie had pulled themself out of the water, ready to sneak up on Reggie and drip all over him. Except when they got closer, Reggie was sitting with his face in his hands on one of the sunbeds, Alex on the opposite one, leaned over as if to comfort him.

“I know it’s bad,” Reggie was saying. “Just, promise you won’t tell Willie?”

“Aaahmn,” Alex said, staring Willie right in the face. “I think maybe you should tell him.”

“What? No!” Reggie looked up. “I don’t want to upset them!”

Oh god. Reggie was mad at him for lying about being rich. Or maybe because he let Reggie pay for ice-cream last time they went out. They knew Reggie didn’t have as much, but he’d looked so proud to use his tip-money from playing at the park to buy Willie a treat.

He was just about to ask Reggie to tell him, or to just start apologising straight away, when Flynn flopped down next to Reggie, one of the fancy sodas from the pool house (with curly straw, naturally) in her hands. “Ooh, are we dragging Reggie for having the hots for another dad?” she asked.

“Shut up!” Reggie hissed, frantically looking everywhere but behind him.

“I mean it’s bad enough you think Julie’s dad is a smokeshow, but at least you’ve seen him for more than thirty seconds,” Flynn went on, either ignorant of or perfectly fine with the growing look of horror on Alex’ face as he could not stop making eye-contact with Willie. His mouth was moving, helplessly, but no sound was coming out to alert Reggie and Flynn as to who was right behind them.

“It was a very enlightening thirty seconds, okay!” Reggie said. “I mean, with the muscles and the- the hair and the jawline and- and did you see the outline in those sweat-”

“Please stop talking about how you want to bang my dad!” Willie said urgently, wringing out their hair above Reggie to douse him. Reggie gave a little shriek, either from the cold water down his back or because Willie heard him.

“Willie! Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I don’t…” Reggie’s face was on fire, and Alex and Flynn shared one look and hightailed it out of there to the other side of the pool, where the Jacuzzi was. At least they couldn’t eavesdrop over the sound of the bubbles, even though they were probably filling in Luke, Bobby, and Julie. “I’m so sorry. It’s just a stupid little- I mean, I love you more than anything, I’d never try and, not that I think your dad would-” He buried his face in his hands again. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you! It’s stupid and embarrassing. It doesn’t mean anything!”

“You just have the hots for my dad,” Willie said slowly. It wasn’t unusual. Dad had a lot of groupies, both male and female. It wasn’t like he did anything to discourage them. He was in showbiz, it was good for his numbers. The longer Willie thought about it, the more funny it became. Reggie had a thing for dads. Maybe they should buy like, a Hawaiian shirt and start wearing sandals with socks in them. Grill something. Call Reggie slugger.

“I’m so, so sorry,” Reggie whispered. “Please don’t break up with me.”

“Hey, no, never,” Willie said, wrapping an arm around him. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Reggie said, relieved.

“Even though you have awful taste,” Willie said.

“Well, not that awful,” Reggie said, fiddling with Willie’s necklace and smiling smugly. “I mean, I have the hots for you way more.”

And because there was no way to agree with that without sounding incredibly self-centred, instead Willie leaned in to kiss him. From the hot tub, there was a wolf-whistle.

“Wanna go throw Luke in the pool?” Willie whispered against Reggie’s lips.

Reggie’s smile was beautiful. “Darling, I thought you’d never ask.”

#why is this almost 2000 words who gave this fic the right #julie and the phantoms #williexreggie #fanfic #reggie peters #willie throckmorton #I wrote a thing #AUs are awesome #this fic is brought to you by cheyenne jackson's thirst traps on instagram #yes willie 100% dresses up like a Dad for Halloween #yes Reggie's face is red the WHOLE DAY but also the gray streaks in Willie's hair are kind of doing it for him #it could be worse Reg he could have stolen one of Caleb's suits

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