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jq37 · 3 months

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Ok, I'm a little horrified that Kristens neglect killed Yes!. That's a downer. And I guess poor Cassandra needs more than two worshippers to exist properly. Hopefully, crisis mode will help Kristen focus up and be NICER TO THEM. It's possible Kristen's crap attitude might be insecurity or guilt. She hasn't been doing the best job spreading Cassandra's gospel and just feels like she's failing them so she's lashing out. And Gorgug and Zelda breaking up bummed me out.

I think D&D is an…interesting but flawed avenue to look at religious trauma. In the same way that X-Men for instance can be used to make some interesting and engaging points about real life prejudice but the metaphor is imperfect because civillians in the marvel universe kinda have a point to be scared of the fact that a random teen with bad self regulation could suddenly manifest the power to blow up people he doesn't like with his mind (even if he doesn't mean to) whereas, irl, Black people or Jewish people or gay people are just people and if you're scared of them then that's a you problem.

Similarly, the religious trauma metaphor goes a little weird in a world where your god is just a person who 100% exists and gives you concrete superpowers every day. I've always felt this way about Kristen's various arcs and it's especially noticible to me right now because I get where she is on her arc, but it hits different when what she's running from is a girl who is emotionally her age and who counts on her for her existence rather than like…the IRL Catholic Church, you know?

She's being very callous in a way that feels very harsh, even though I know she def needs to go to therapy and there probably hasn't been a lot of time for that. And the fact that Cass looks just like her from a year ago really makes it seem like there's some internal, self-hatred or something she needs to work out. Likely some guilt there too--maybe from doing a bad job or for wanting to quit the religion thing alltogether or something else or a combination.

Because of the snippets of interviews I saw, I'm trusting that Brennan and Ally have a plan here, and I see how this could be the setup for something interesting. But yeah, I don't really find it fun to watch Cass get treated so poorly.

And yeah, RIP to Zelda/Gorgug but that's pretty typical for a high school relationship and at least that seems to have ended on good terms.

#dimension 20 #d20 #asks #farmer-10 #fantasy high #fantasy high spoilers #I'm kinda concerned that this as above so below stuff is gonna start biting kristen in the ass soon #how long can cass keep being friendly and helpful when kristen isn't being those things as a cleric?

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omnipah · 8 months

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for the character asks: pickman sangfielle and/or any malevolent guy of ur choosing

well if u insist!!!!

Pickman

Sexuality Headcanon: i do get very aro vibes from pickman and i think in a lot of cases she's functionally ace but. she sure did fuck that old woman! so i guess she's aro train-god-sexual lesbian. good for her Gender Headcanon: i mean i know this is the autism vibes but she truly does seem like the kind of person who's only doing woman because that's what she started as and knows how to do. she's still fairly cut off from traditional expressions of gender because of the autism and the Train Trauma but at the same time it's her version of womanhood and she's kind of spitefully attached to it now, even tho it's in a kind of nb way. A ship I have with said character: That Old Woman (shoutouts to chantilly scathe!!!) A BROTP I have with said character: duvall for that time he manifested into a scene he wasn't in to defend her honour A NOTP I have with said character: alekest i guess? i mean he did that himself tho. anyone else i mean. is it really friends at the table if the player characters don't all have weird unethical polycule vibes? A random headcanon: she seems like one of those people who can't cook for shit unless u give her a recipe with exact instructions and proportions and then even if she's completely unfamiliar with the technique she's suddenly a 5star chef. she thinks this is normal and everyone is like this and is baffled when colette gets moony-eyed at her over it General Opinion over said character: i am picking petals off flowers saying 'she loves me, she loves me not' i am doodling her name in my notebook i am cheerleading on the sidelines of every scene shes in i am holding her giant gun for her in case she needs it

Kayne Malevolent (i would say sorry but u did this to urself)

Sexuality Headcanon: i mean as far as canon goes he seems less concerned with gender and more concerned with whoever he doesn't consider boring. i could go ahead and just decide he's gay because he flirted with both john and arthur (not to mention the fruitiness) but that's too easy. if women were legal in malevolent he'd be uncomfortably horny about them too, i know it Gender Headcanon: whatever he's doing he's doing it a lot. A ship I have with said character: i mean given his whole deal he seems fairly impervious to like. intimacy. but i think it's fun when he gets all marina and the diamonds homewrecker in jarthur's already unstable marriage A BROTP I have with said character: well it would be lovely if there were sufficient characters in the actual show for him to actually have any kind of friendship with. or more likely affectionate rivalry considering how unpleasant he is as a person A NOTP I have with said character: i mean i don't know of anyone who's shipping him with anyone in particular but the only other recurring characters are larson yellow and the butcher and uh. all of them. less the butcher cus can u imagine the combination of fucked up hedonist trickster god + catholic guilt but still. the vibes are fucking rancid A random headcanon: this is mostly just taking the trope and running with it but i like to think he operates under fae rules, like, technically can't lie and technically has to keep his promises, so is like. extremely careful how he words things and what he avoids saying and leaves implied. bonus points cus he talks so fast u can't really tell he's doing it unless ur paying attention. yes i realise this is the third character in a row i'm headcanoning as a beaurocrat but listen it's my autism i get to project it General Opinion over said character: he's like a budget version of the outsider if the outsider listened to the orion experience. we love a fucked up trickster god and of course we love a bisexual covered in blood but yknow what else i love? characters who show up often enough to actually learn anything about them at all.

#ask me #sangfielle #fatt #malevolent #i want u to know i spent like half an hour figuring out which malevolent guy theres enough canon material about #to even make these kinds of headcanons about (rather than just simply pulling them out of my ass)#and no i am not going to do arthur. obviously. my worstie #and so obviously i went with the worst option. it was between him and john and tbh doing john is too close to doing arthur #anyway thanks for the ask #oh if im gonna actually put this in the tag i should probably tag #masked

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thoughtsfromouterspace · 9 months

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I Think I Found The One

Past me would think that this is a love letter and she will be so happy that I finally met the one. But Future me, still unknown.

Sorry, past me. I am writing this during my biggest heartbreak.

"What? Bigger than your first love?"

Yup, WAY bigger than that.

After years of moving on from my first love, who I thought (at the time) was the one, I have grown so much as a person. I learned a lot from that first love. I finally know what pure, unconditional love is. I can finally see myself with kinder eyes, realizing that I am an amazing person. I strive to improve myself every day and am not afraid to be open about myself.

Why did I think he was the one at the time? It's because we were each other's first love. He was the most attractive person into me at the time, and he really showed that he loved me. Again, young love.

"So tell me about this guy that makes you feel this way?"

His name is DAH. He's tall, with amazing arms, a hard-working chef, DJ, and music producer, and handsome. His appearance is exactly what I like in a guy. Besides that, he has the kindest heart. We both share interests in music and film. He's silly and weird. We can talk about random things for hours, play video games, he can play multiple instruments, and he's very smart.

"WHAT? Isn't he like the person you've been manifesting since forever?"

Yes, he is. But sadly, he's a Catholic. His parents are very strict about it. And it's actually the reason why we're currently breaking up.

"Now I understand why you call it the biggest heartbreak."

Yup, kid. This time is different. Young me probably just focused on the things I mentioned above, but 28-year-old me doesn't just see him from that perspective anymore. It's way more than that to think that someone is the one.

"So, do you think he is the one?"

If you ask me now, yes. He is the one. But you wanna know what's funny? During our relationship, months before we broke up, I was lowkey not thinking he was the one. The breakup made me realize that back then, we were both unhappy with our lives. I kept having arguments with people at home, and he was also struggling to get back to working in the kitchen after months of doing office work. At the time, we both ran out of energy to talk about our feelings and couldn't focus on what actually mattered.

Then, later, I finally moved out from the house. I'm currently staying at this beautiful, comfy place that I paid for with my own money (yes, not living rent-free anymore). And I was thinking of a fresh start. Surprise, kid! A week later, I had 2 major plot twists, 2 days in a row.

I got dumped because his mother found out about us. The next day, I went to the OB/GYN and got diagnosed with PCOS (and a possibility of almost having cancer).

I thought I was going to enjoy this place and finally have the freedom I wanted, while spending time with the person I love the most. In reality, I have to clean up my mess again, put pieces of my heart together, and get to the point of losing myself. Like, legit, I lost myself. For the last month, I have not been myself, it's been a past version of me, past pain, past trauma coming back up.

I keep thinking, how did I end up here?

A day before I wrote this, I finally had a realization after going to 3 therapy sessions in a row, because what I thought was our last meet-up was closure, but it was actually a catch-up that made us friends again. I didn't realize that I had so many feelings I hadn't told him, and I also needed to know what he actually felt.

I realized that I hadn't prioritized myself, and that's why I ended up losing myself. He is important to me, and what he's facing is not a small thing. Imagine your own mother hurting you. I know that feeling. This doesn't mean that I changed my mind and don't understand him, but I need him to meet me halfway.

I realized that all the decisions that were made didn't come from both of us agreeing. It's more like me agreeing with him, since I know how much pain he's in. I ignored it when my therapist and friends told me that he left me. I was in denial because I thought he'd still be around, but then I realized that he's not in my life anymore as my partner. I forgot about the other part that I was also in huge, massive pain. I can't lie to myself anymore, and I can't wish that he can read my mind to know how I feel. This is why I arranged another meet-up. This time, I will stand up for myself, and I just believe in Allah, God, and the Universe for the best.

Today, I finally stood up for myself, and I am so proud of it. I have a low-key bad feeling, yet bad feelings are just that, bad feelings. It's my anxiety and amygdala screaming because they feel unsafe. But a bigger part of me is cheering up and clapping hands.

To be honest, I am scared out of my mind right now, but at the same time, I believe in my gut that I have to take this leap. One thing that amazes me and that I always forget about myself is that no matter how scared or whiny I am, I always end up being brave enough to take huge leaps. I have too many scenarios playing out in my head about what will happen after I tell him how I actually feel. But then again, I try to keep reminding myself that I am safe now, the conversation hasn't happened yet, so I'll take it day by day.

This time, it's different for some reason. My heart and brain are sure that he is the one and worth fighting for. I don't want to give up on this yet. All I want is to have a discussion about how we can meet halfway. He wants to break up, but I actually don't. So hopefully, we can find solutions in this.

And that is the reason why I think he is the one. I don't want to lie to myself again, I just want to let it all out.

So wish me luck whenever he gets the chance to meet up with me.

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roccomoon · 3 years

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a birth anniversary noticing

7.22.21

1036am

if you’re reading this, maybe you know me, maybe you don’t,

maybe you care, maybe you don’t,

theres no way i could know,

so i don’t really care,

but i do appreciate the energy,

and attention,

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its my birthday today, and im writing this,

typing it,

reflecting on how it feels,

an anniversary that notices when i first breathed life into this form,

it brings something tender, vulnerable, and sensitive out of me,

i woke up this morning, sat up, checked the time, and closed my eyes,

i sat until it felt i was ready to open eyes, i checked the clock,

20 minutes had passed,

all i saw was who i am, and how that wants to be,

how it already is,

but honestly, how that isness wants to be expressed,

theres so much i want to do,

and yet,

only ever one thing to do, that does all things,

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i remember being a young human,

feeling like i was just overflowing with a world inside of me,

it seemed like my dad was really important to a lot of people,

people showed up to his concerts and they cared about the things he said,

they cheered and applauded ,

i wanted that,

i tried to do it in sports,

and failed,

for the past 10 years,

I’ve really been doing my absolute best at creating meaningful art,

and admit-tingly , it always feels really nice when people care,

when they care enough to pay close attention,

when their attention is on me,

when i am in the center of someones attention,

and they’re absolutely focused on my expression,

performing music on stage,

acting in film,

seeing someone really grasp a tech idea that can be a huge business,

it feels really nice,

to be really seen and heard,

and felt , and noticed, and understood,

i guess i don’t need it,

but i actually do,

i have God’s love pouring through me,

and in many ways, that is the end all be all,

it is enough, but as my sadhana deepened,

i realized it was actually a bizarre western roman catholic christian trauma distortion to act like you don't need attention, or want to be the center of attention, or the center of your own galaxy, .. a star.

the west actually, because of toxic christianity mostly, has developed some kind of weird anti ego - egohood...

its like an ego complex about being anti ego...

like its frowned upon to want the spotlight or something...

but as sadhana deepened, and the Parusharthas unlocked much that was suppressed, ... i ... as i actually am, was unlocked, ... and allowed,

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there, here, is presence, that could go unnoticed by others, for centuries,

but i , rocco, now with integration, noticed,

that i actually need to be noticed,

i sat with this, and observed the reality,

i need it,

its not just a want,

it is a literal need. not just human. but a meta-physical need,

of every soul,

to varying degrees,

some more than others,

karmic structure is just as real as physical skeletal structure,

its about potential , and potential being wasted,,,, is sad,

the All is sad when such occurs,

so,

i need to be noticed,

in my growth and evolution,

it confirms that its happening,

and i only discovered this because i did my best to become invisible,

totally avoided my calling, and that "wanting" to being seen,

heard,

felt,

witnessed,

as a kid on tour, i practiced being invisible,

then in art, i wanted to become invisible so the art was seen, but i didn't get in the way,

but that was all still woven with fear of being seen,

for being seen as being the greatest living thing in existence,

which , i am,

i am literally the greatest living thing in existence,

not stuttering,

clarifying ,

i , am , the , greatest, living , thing , in , existence,

...

and i want, which is predicated on a need,

to be witnessed in that,

witnessed as attention, attention as awareness ,

awareness as love,

of, and for my evolution and expansion,

and not from lack, but from having,

from abundance,

from being, ,

its not just a want,

its an actual human need,

that i acknowledge is sacred, and actually of divine accord,

why else would i be beaming with these desires,

to be seen and heard,

for no reason?

or for the one and only reason.

sat. chit. ananda.

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i remember being backstage, and getting in the way one time,

we were on tour with kiss, and lynyrd skynyrd,

and i got in the way,

these dudes were pushing huge container things on wheels down the hallway, and i think i was walking while playing pokemon on my gameboy... and my dad grabbed my arm tightly,

and in my eyes, told me to never get in the way like that,

always be aware and cognizant of what's happening around me,

so i did,

that wasn't the first time that happened,

but it was the last,

i was never in the way again,

well, there were probably times, but since then i have been keen on not being in the way if i don't have to be,

since then, i love being against a wall,

or in a corner,

so i am able to see everything that is occurring around me,

i love being able to see, everything, clearly,

even in life, if i go days or weeks without being on top of a mountain, or on a big wide open road, it feels like claustrophobia,,, like i need to see evvvvverryyyything around me... its like a clarification of where i am in relationship to everything around me... and what all those things are...

theres this scene in one of the jason bourne movies where he basically flexes as to how aware he is... he's like... theres 3 dudes over there... one just got divorced... 2 are well trained... then there 4 other dudes over there... one likes pickles... etc etc... its like a sherlock holmes thing too... who is another one of my favorite super hero style reference points amongst the all.

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it feels like that's what happened for several years,

i moved to la,

and just disappeared,

i needed to get bearings on who i was in relationship to literally everything else in existence.

i dissolved most the friendships i had from high school, and became a loner, and nocturnal,

i had actual human friends still, but now something changed,

and i was inward almost seemingly more than i was outward,

my friends were people who i didn't even know,

kid cudi, yeshua, tesla, einstein, thelonious monk,

artists, legends, great ones, channels,

and as i became more and more alone,

i became more and more aware of what i wanted to do with my life,

i wanted to channel the infinite into the finite,

and i although i thought i didn't need anyone to notice,

i realized, after a while of no one noticing, i did.

so if you're reading this. thanks.

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the i am witness seamlessly bright in awareness at these words,

as they move through my fingers and appear on the screen,

when i watch them appear on the screen,

it feels like a mirror,

to me,

that’s how it feels,

i had these sensations inside of me,

and they were just sensations,

but not i am typing those feelings,

and they show up as words on the screen,

that’s pretty cool,

i guess that must be what my dad feels when he plays the guitar,

they were just feelings and sensations inside of him,

and then , because he is a master craftsman ,

he is able to become a channel, and fully express himself into that form,

i feel that when i write,

i feel that when im acting, when the camera is on,

or even on stage,

i feel that when im performing a piece of music i really care about,

i feel like i haven’t felt that in a while with music honestly,

it feels like i got away from just being my most ridiculously authentic signal there,

and i wanted to be cool,

cool feels like death sometimes,

sometimes its nice when it happens, but sometimes it just doesnt feel like who i am,

i don’t think I’ve ever felt cool acting,

i don’t feel like like that’s what its for ,

for me,

i love feeling the feeling of completely disappearing, and feeling whatever is that, fully,

and not having an opinion about what the feeling is,

terror, horror, anger, jealously, hatred, pain, sorrow, torment, love, joy, bliss, fun, happy, friction, confusion, lostness,

whatever,

as long as im feeling it fully,

then i call that “perfection”,

i call that “missing out on nothing”

i call that “fully reflective”

im writing a book about it actually,

its called “moon theory”

“missing out on nothing” means nothing is missing,

when nothing is missing everything is perfect,

resistance-less-nes-

the state of no resistance,

wu wet, zero point, crystallinity , buddhic emptiness,

perfectness,

my version of it,

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…

so im sitting here,

writing this,

and noticing what is present for me,

and the other things i would like to be present,

that feel like, because i don’t see them outside of me,

but feel them within me,

they are missing,

but they are only missing from the outside,

they are present on the inside,

and that feels nice to distinguish,

they aren’t actually missing,

they are loading,

so they are coming,

coming into existence,

growing from thought, to feeling, to experiential manifestation,

from the inners of my inner awareness,

to the palpable touchable holographic matrix i access through senses,

that’s basically where im at right now,

nothing is missing,

but i notice what i would like to add to what is present,

i knew this last year too, but it was less accessible ,

less tangible,

as clarity,

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last night my mom said that jesus is the only way to God,

that made me sad ,

cuz yeshua literally came to me and said that not true,

he said folks misunderstood his teachings, and ran with em,

he literally said that he is the crystal soul self,

which all are, and so all can get to God,

and his teachings have been horrifically, violently misinterpreted,

he told me this,

and it feels sad sometimes when those closest to me don’t notice who i am,

it feels sad sometimes when it feels like those closest don’t see me,

or , like they haven’t taken the time to realize who and what i am,

that’s okay though, it gives contrast so when there is the feeling of being super heard, seen, felt, and understood, its clearly noticed,

i know who i am,

and amongst all the things pouring through me,

and into the holographic field of reality,

i am glad to be this one,

with the awareness i have,

,,,

enough thoughts for today,

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i phase out of rocco,

rocco’s eyes glaze over,

rocco looks up,

the channel opens like a flower,

we see rocco looking up to us,

we receive him with love,

he asks us,

what else should he write,

what else should he share with those who will read this,

he feels like not that many people will read it,

and so he feels less important,

because he compares himself to others so quickly,

we reassure him that is not appropriate ,

for the time will come ,

when everyone pays attention,

he feels our reassurance,

the reader wonders who is We,

we are rocco’s guardian guides,

yeshua is here,

gautama is here,

arch angel michael is here,

quan yin is here,

thoth is here,

gabriel is here,

st. germain is here,

melchizedek is here,

abraham is here,

ra is here,

we are rocco’s channel prism guardian gateway keepers,

rocco feels slightly scared to share this right now,

and we reassure him it’s okay,

for he is emptying into the infinite,

and dissolving into resolution,

you reading this is a sacred witnessing of a human beings dharmic resolution,

rocco looks up to us with a prayer hand emoji,

we look to him with the same,

this is enough for now,

thanks for reading,

thanks for paying,

thanks for your attention,

thanks for all you are,

ase, aho, amen, amun,

ra,

co,

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diazpoems · 3 years

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Me watching Riverdale S2:

THE WAY KEVIN IS RAISING HIS HAND TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SKY WHEN HIRAM ASKS FOR A VOLUNTEER FOR A WRESTLING DEMONSTRATION. THIS THIRSTY MOTHERFUCKER. HIS FACE IS PRICELESS.

I wish I could just jump into Riverdale and shake the characters and be like

Cheryl: Your parents fucking suck

Josie: Your parents fucking suck

Veronica: Your parents fucking suck

Betty: Your parents fucking suck

Archie: Your dads okay so far, I don’t know about your mom

Jughead: Your dad used to fucking suck but as a person, at his core, I don’t think he’s evil, and he’s getting better, but he’s got a ways to learn. I don’t know about your mom

Kevin: Your dad’s decent so far? Don’t know about your mom

Like especially Josie because I know it’s hard and that a lot of the trauma her mom felt probably manifested itself badly and Josie probably feels attached to her mom and like she owes her being a good daughter because her mom’s had it bad but like I also DON’T CARE. FUCKING TREAT YOUR CHILD RIGHT. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT HAPPENED. THATS YOUR CHILD. WOMAN UP AND BE A FUCKING DECENT PERSON. I DON’T CARE THAT YOU PUT A ROOF OVER HER HEAD, FOOD IN HER MOUTH, GAVE HER A SINGING CAREER (But continue to control it and not give her leeway to think and act on her own). SHE DON’T OWE YOU SHIT. FUCK OFF WITH YOUR WEIRD LIFE-FUCKING-SUCKED-FOR-ME-BUT-IM-ALSO-A-CLASSIST-BITCH PARADOX. MY DAD’S GOT IT MADE RIGHT NOW BUT HE HASN’T FORGOTTEN HIS ROOTS, HASN’T FORGOTTEN THE DISCRIMINATION HE FACED AND THE FACT THAT HE GREW UP SHIT POOR EARLY ON AND HE HASN’T DECIDED “Hey, let’s ridicule people for being in a similar position that I was in!”

Basically, this is me begging for for Josie’s mom to ✨fucking do better✨

Anyways yeah normalize Riverdale characters disowning their own parents ✌🏽🥰

Hmmm. If I wasn’t completely and utterly for the Serpents before, the white serpents learning to shut the fuck up and stand with Toni and her grandfather in opposition of the genocide and colonialism that was perpetrated by Cheryl’s great great grandfather? Hell fucking yeah

Dude I’m sorta crying at the scene with Hiram seeing Veronica in her confirmation dress because he’s a piece of shit but this is how it goes down, like it’s a whole thing

I love that I immediately knew the meaning of “Catholic chic”. Apparently that’s all going to church every Sunday for the formative years of my life accomplished

I hope Penelope Blossom dies in a fire :)

OH MY GOD, LOVE SIMON CAME OUT RIGHT AROUND HERE, KEVIN IS ASKING MOOSE TO IT, MY COMFORT MOVIE OH MY GOD-

Ugh, I don’t trust Midge. Something about the tropey-ness of her being The Girlfriend™️ and her face, as well as the fact that she played Gen in tatbilb, something doesn’t sit right. The haircut feels too manic pixie, like she’s hiding something. Bad vibes

NOOO CHERYL ILL GO ON A VACATION WITH YOU 😭 GOD IM SO GONE FOR HER

Aaaaand she did some fuck shit. Aaaand Toni is pretty. Aaaand there’s the internalized homophobia.

Jughead saying that growing up Betty’s and Archie’s windows being parallel always bothered him sounds more like a jarchie admission than a bughead one, I’m just sayin’

BETTY AND JUGHEAD’S REACTIONS WHEN THEY HEAR THE BED SQUEAKING IS ME. Like the little amused but lowkey confused and baffled expression on his face as he’s like “is that their solution to everything? Can’t they ever just talk?” Like no apparently not. Me too Jug, me too-

Idk Vee, maybe he’s asking questions about your father’s line of work and the business of his associates because your dad and mom are fucking evil

What the fuck Veronica. I mean yay because that just gets us closer to Jarchie kiss but like what the fuck Vee. Also Jughead is super cute, like why does the blue eyes black hair thing absolutely melt my weak heart, like I didn’t choose to fall for this pasty ass white boy but here we are. Also Veronica’s eyes are really big and dark and pretty like girl help im falling for these two-

BETTY LITERALLY POINTED IT OUT, C’MON NOW CW, I KNOW WE’VE MADE THE MISTAKE OF GROVELING WITH SPN BUT PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU WE NEED A JARCHIE KISS-

CAN HETEROSEXUALS PLEASE STOP FUCKING ALL THE TIME ON TV. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SHOVE YOUR STRAIGHTNESS IN MY FACE. NOT EVERYONE IS STRAIGHT YOU KNOW.

“Entertain Jughead” 😏

DUDE. They were sitting ALONE. TOGETHER. In the WOODS. With them being the ONLY ones who haven’t kissed. DUDE.

C’MON MAN, THEY’RE STARING FUCKING LONGINGLY AT EACH OTHER

If there are weird gay ships for straights then Jeronica is the weird straight ship for gays

Ok so is there a legitimate reason why Veronica is faithful to her parents and defends them to a tee and partakes in their mob shit or is she just daddy’s little fucking girl. Like it isn’t her fault that she’s been manipulated but it pisses me the fuck off. And people who want her to stay with her parents because supposedly they’re the only ones who love her even though it’s toxic and warped? Like do you have a brain?

Archie and Veronica really love supporting gentrification, classism, and Vee’s rich daddy and mommy’s innocence huh

Look i actually agree with Reggie for once, get Hiram’s ass, deal with it Veronica

Wow, nice, shaming Jug for eating. That’s cool, Arch. That’s awesome. And no Betty, she doesn’t have everybody’s vote. Because Veronica’s parents are motherfuckers and when it comes to choosing between a murderer/abuser/rich/classist/gentrifying fuck and supporting your bestie uwu guess which one im fucking picking. Also, THANK YOU JUG for explaining to your friend that even though he lives in a fantasy land where northside Riverdale is the only one worth referring to when talking about Riverdale at all and thus the only one that matters and is worth protecting, the southside exists and people live and have grown up in the southside and building a prison there where it will be even more easy to profile and incarcerate southside residents under false or exaggerated pretenses ISN’T A GOOD THING. That his own friend isn’t quite apart of his and Veronica’s and Betty’s socioeconomic caste and that he’s not going to pretend like he is, he isn’t going to be quiet about it just because you’re friends again. That he’s not going to lay down and let Archie explain what a good move for Riverdale is when he clearly means northside riverdale, let him explain how the southside needs to be dealt with to someone who grew up on the southside and knows it more (not the most, I’m not saying Jug isn’t out of his depth with certain aspects of being a full southsider) intricately than him. LIKE FUCK. ARCHIE. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO. Like he just doesn’t get why building prisons and stereotyping and condemning all southsiders and gentrifying entire neighborhoods is really fucking bad and a big deal and it annoys me so much. Like yeah Arch, obviously you don’t see the big deal because it doesn’t affect you and you delude yourself that it doesn’t affect your friend either, but it actually is that bad.

In conclusion, Archie and Veronica and sometimes Betty are giving me headaches rn. Like I’m not saying Jughead is perfect at all but in this particular instance he’s the only one I agree with for the most part right now.

Yeah Arch, you see things differently because you’re not the one who’s on the receiving end of the problem

YES MOMMA ANDREWS. SNAP! GO FERAL! SHOW THAT SOB SOME CONSEQUENCES!

Ah, so this is the jarchie “break-up” scene. You know what. I feel no heartbreak. Get his ass Jug.

Get. His. Ass.

They sent Cheryl to a conversion institution. I’m literally crying. This isn’t an exaggeration. I feel like I want to cry. Just. God fucking damn it.

SHE DOESN’T WANT TO GET BETTER. SHE’S NOT SICK. YOU ARE. DIE. FUCKING DIE. BURN IN HELL. AND PENELOPE BLOSSOM TOO.

“That’s not how things go in Riverdale” is a veiled way of saying “don’t challenge the upper class and don’t try to stifle gentrification,” I hope you all know

#she speaks #riverdale #cheryl blossom #josie mccoy #veronica lodge #betty cooper #archie andrews #jughead jones #sierra mccoy #you know how spn and merlin fans have that one tag?#u kno the one #john winchester’s a+ parenting #uther pendragon’s a+ parenting #petition to use the same thing when a riverdale parent does something shitty and manipulative to their kid #sierra mccoy’s a+ parenting

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anotherramblingfangirl · 5 years

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Mary Brock:

You know, I actually have quite a few headcanons in terms of Mary Brock. Canon has given me so little, that I just have to fill in gaps using what little knowledge we do have of her.

A warning: She’s a Brock and one unfortunately, canonically in a coma at that, so this is not happy.

Some are small things, just little details such as-

There was a phase in her life where she thought narwhals were mythical creatures.

The most precious photos she has is one of baby her and her mom at her baptism, as well as a school one of her and her brother.

She is very good at maths and her occupation before her coma was a financial, office position in a charity which she passionately worked for.

Did have some friends

If she drinks alcohol it’s wine

Wanted to have a snake some point. Had always thought them cool, but her dad had said they were not biblical.

Remains devoutly Catholic and has a prayer for just about every situation which she will recite if she feels the need

Her Roseary is very important to her

Pacifistic “do no harm principles”

Cooks well and makes her own proper meals instead of ordering

Her home is her pride and joy and she is capable of saying a lot about it

Typically goes by “Brock” to non-family members, as a part of reclaiming the name’s sullied reputation for herself.

“Mary” was chosen by her parents for it’s religious connotations.

Often very tired and has to force her way through that

Not a forgiving person. She will initially approach someone nicely, but if they wrong her/prove themself not worthy of niceties she will not put up with that. Nor is redemption perceived as an option.

Neutral view on Superheroes. Sure, they’re useful and necessary, but also living in New York meant the sort of things they got up to became very annoying.

Does not have a car. Walks or bikes or takes a train if she must to where she needs to go.

A stress coping mechanism of hers is going for a run.

Has a girlfriend named Maura Greene who is a magician. And also a character from transformers who I decided to put a version of in Marvel. Before her coma, she made an active attempt to go to her shows and be supportive when she could.

Would never want kids.

Much like her brother, she grew up to be very tall. 6′1 to Eddie’s 6′3.

She was also quite lean due to being athletic, but her coma ended up mostly wasting her muscles away.

She likes wearing pantsuits and jump suits and mostly leaves her as is and untied, unless doing a sport.

She never grew out of her childhood liking of polka dot patterns and still has a lot of things with them on them.

Would be extremely weirded out, but ultimately accept her brother’s alien children and view herself as their Aunt, had she ever gotten the chance to find out about and meet them all.

Some are larger things-

She took to athletics and did things such as marathons, keeping any and all trophies/medals she got because of this with pride. Initially as part of her overachieving brought on by a distant critical father, but even upon moving past that she found she still loved it and persisted in the hobby.

She continues to be very good at homemaking as a direct result of her childhood consisting basically entirely of that rather than things like play. Her home is her pride and joy.

She takes and prints and keeps many photos. Partly brought on by her father first taking down all photos from before Eddie and not taking any after. The ones mentioned above as most precious, were technically “hidden contraband” she was not supposed to have.

And also: She was not a good sister to her brother.

Initially, while younger, this was because of the sentiment fostered by their father that Eddie was to blame for and had killed their mother.

He killed her mother, things got a lot worse in the house after he did and as such, through a childlike association, she was often very mean to him due to some resentment brought on about that-

Although she did still care about him, and they did have good sibling moments. I wrote an entire fic about one such headcanoned childhood moment.

As she grew older, that resentment did also fade - as she became old enough to understand what was actually going on in their household and with their father -and moments of solidarity and bonding became more common.

Hence how Eddie later voiced this very positive opinion on her after she fell into a coma:

Venom even trying to avenge her - doing that “wild tendril thing” that happens when even the symbiote is upset tooo.

But, ultimately, despite all that, it got to the point where Mary could not stand being in that household anymore with the emotional abuse it entailed and walked out the door.

And she essentially cut ties with it.

She did keep some contact with her brother, out of worry for him and because she cared about him but...that contact was phone calls, or e-mails.

There was always some reason or other why she could never physically visit.

Then Eddie became the then-criminal Venom and she lost contact entirely.

It being too late to reconcile or fix anything

And this is a huge regret of hers that only grew over the years.

That she walked out of an abusive household, but left her little brother there, alone with their father.

How things might have gone differently if she hadn’t “abandoned him” and had taken him with her when she walked out of that door.

The memory of that night was persistently something that plays in her mind, as a facet of survivor’s guilt.

A lot of this guilt manifests itself in her trying to overcompensate by doing good and helping people however she can. Such as with her position in a charity.

Along with that, she has similar mental health issues about feelings of inferiority and depression, much like her brother. But, unlike her brother, she did at least recognise it better and was officially diagnosed with and receiving medication for clinical depression.

Also unlike her brother, her trauma did not result in her becoming co-dependent - rather the opposite.

It instead manifested in immense fears about someone ever again having the level of control over her life like her father once did.

That fear of control, along with her do no harm principles, means she would cope nowhere near as well as her brother, if she were to ever somehow be bonded to a symbiote.

It would be a waking nightmare that would take a lot to get over.

Although in the same vein, that strong level of will to not be controlled also means she would have much more success than most, in attempts at resisting a symbiote trying to do so.

In terms of her coma she gets two visitors - Maura and Eddie, both who talk with her and update her about things.

As always, her father has a “what child” attitude.

Eddie tried to use his symbiote once to properly communicate with her, despite the brain damage that put her in that coma. It was once for a reason.

Eddie’s visits to his sister are much, much more rare than Maura’s visits to her and could be counted on fingers...for obvious reasons.

He did accidentally encounter Maura visiting too during an attempt to secretly sneak into the hospital room once, although, knowing who he was, they simply talked and she kept the appearance a secret.

He has also helped pay to keep Mary’s life support on, that having been where all the money went from his time working with the government.

Mary Brock has now been in that coma for several years.

But! There is hope.

There having been signs of improvement over the years and the increasing possibility of her some day waking up.

#Mary Brock #Eddie Brock #Carl Brock #venom comics #venom #marvel #THIS ESCALATED #THIS ESCALTED FAST #nothing like typing them out to realise how many hcs you have for someone #and I'm not even done MAKING them yet #I want to build up more #as I'm wanting to do a fic with her #although we'll have to see how that goes #there's one potential plan where she briefly meets #Hybrid #but I'm still thinking about it #post by me

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friedesgreatscythe · 6 years

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catholic talk, since i’m readin’ the bible and all

anyway, this birthday eve has been a long weird day and i’ve cried twice (2 times) about the gospel, most recently at mark 15:34 ('My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'), and the first at the three marys waiting at Jesus’ tomb, and Him greeting them all first, even before the disciples, after His resurrection. and i guess i just didn’t expect to be so moved by all this, but even saying that makes me feel silly--like, duh, i should’ve expected to be moved by it. it’s gospel, ya dingus.

but i was never really taught this stuff. i was just told about it. ‘this is this and this is what it means.’ i never really had a chance to read the new testament, think about it, figure out what it means to me. and i just... i dunno. i feel like i can only be moved by it on this level because i was beaten and molested and raped and used and used and used and almost dead and suffering and hurting for about... the first... oh, 28 years of my life lol. so, y’know, most of my life up until two years ago.

(and sometimes i think about what would happen if 1: john seed were real and 2: he demanded i confess my sins, and all i could tell him was aout the sins done to me, that were inflicted on me, and how any and all responses i had to those first wrongs were contained within and only to myself, and how any hurt that he could do to me was already done before, by others, and by my own self, to myself, and i’d like to imagine that i might horrify him, him, because if i have a sin at all, it’s the sin of self-destruction as self-preservation, and i don’t know what sin you could slap on that, johnny boy, so good fuckin’ luck trying)

anyway!

i always was hellbent on believing that all of the horrible things that were done to me had to have some meaning, even if it just meant i was able to write stories about painful truths and force myself to a place of healing. and i still believe that. i always will believe that. my writing is as it is because of what was done to me, and how hard i worked to free myself from it.

but something about mark 15:34 just humbled me a little, because with my own eyes i can read about how Jesus asked the same question i have asked over and over again. it’s a question i’m still asking, really: god, why did you let all this happen to me?

or, as trent reznor said: hey god, why are you doing this to me?

and i’m making myself cry again dfsjkalfds lmao

and it goes back to things i was thinking earlier this month--how badly i want to reach out for comfort and guidance through my craft and witchery to the saints, how much i feel i need it, but how unworthy i feel to even ask it. and just... mark 15:34 hit me like a punch in the face. haven’t i asked that exact question, perhaps not in so many words, so many times before? haven’t i screamed and begged for god to help me, and felt only silence and emptiness? haven’t i induced depersonalization episodes onto myself (because i couldn’t handle yet another ptsd panic attack) by listening to emilie autumn’s ‘god help me’, where she sings of her trauma and chants ‘god help me’ 30+ times over and over and over, as if the repetition of it can force the plea to happen? haven’t i thought that by listening to another woman beg for god the same way i have begged, that i might forget that i begged at all, and that i begged and heard nothing for so long? haven’t i rocked back and forth, crying hysterically, silently, listening to her chant ‘god help me’, and feel as if she were pleading for me, too?

and buried in all that is this little shifting, churning feeling of love that i find difficult to express, difficult to capture or fully understand. all i know is that it just swells up in me and i have no idea what to do with it, i just know i need to give it. i need to do something to make this love manifest in small ways, every day, with what i do and say.

and i guess it’s a good thing that i was able to meet emilie--not once, but twice. that i was able to look her in the eye and say, “i am so glad that you’re alive,” and she reached out, took my hands, stroked them, kissed them--as if she were grateful to me. as if i had given her something, when through it all she was giving me so much.

and idk lmao i’m just......... a mess of thoughts right now. i just don’t know how to reconcile all this and make sense of how love can bloom up in me in the wake of all........... this. i guess my only thought is... it’s beyond humbling and heartbreaking to read of the crucifixion, and to know that all that Jesus suffered was suffered out of love, and i don’t know.. how... to repay.. that? like, my first thought reading all this, seeing it, believing it, is, “how can i ever repay Him for this?” because i can’t grasp the idea of being given so much love without giving back just as much in return. idk.

tagging @w1tchmom and @moondrops-burst, since y’all are my go to catholic discoursers.

#lapsed catholic tag #for ur blacklists #gonna have to upgrade the lapsed into #catholic 2: electric boogaloo #eventually ig #idk when #christopagan

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