stop making posts that r supposed to be educating non-psychotics abt psychosis while throwing people w/ delusions you dont understand/experience under the bus thanks

The adhd experience:

I send a meme to a friend of freddie mercury getting stuck in a slide and we start talking about it, i refer to him as freddie and then backpedal saying i should have used his full name. I then wonder why every freddie is someone who you have to use their full name (i list freddie benson as another example). They suggest that its because freddie is a childs name, and im like true. But then im like its not like they have an alternative, theyd have to call themselves fred. And i send a picture of Fred Figglehorn. Then i start thinking about arnold from magic school bus for some reason, only i cant remember his name so i think its fred for a moment. I rememver that his name is arnold and am confused to why i thought he was fred. Now that im thinking about MSB start rambling to her about how if you took arnold and ralphie from magic school bus and combined them steven universe fusion style youd get a Fred, this is because youre combining ralphies 90s youthful sportiness and yet somehow utter dad-at-a-peewee-baseball-game energy with arnold's overwhelming geekiness (in the stereotypical 90s way). I know im right about this and dont need to explain further. As my friend is responding i gasp because i realize why i had thought arnold was a fred at first, and after a quick google i confirm my suspicions. I had been thinking of the 1996 novel Frindle by andrew clements, and the main character was ALSO a redheaded elementary-middle school student with glasses, id gotten my wires crossed from the "Fr" in the title! Cause obviously i dont remember frindle kid's name so i just call him the kid from frindle any time i ever think about the novel, which is probably once every two years. And i tell my friend this and then im like man frindle shaped me as a kid my 7 year old self being told that language is fake and society invented it is crazy, like thats just something so crazy for a 7 year old to be privy to i was boutta start my own language revolution in elementary school. So then im reminiscing on other andrew clements books because they all shaped my childhood, and im liked i wonder what andrew clements is up to these days? Legend, i hope hes not racist or something. And i google and hes fUCKING DEAD!!!! im distraught and i lament this to my friend. I immediately start googling his bibliography so i can remember all the ways thia man shaped me and i find the book Report Card which, as an 8 year old blonde afab who was gifted enough to be called gifted but not enough to be allowed in my schools gifted program, resonated with me greatly. I begin reminiscing on the plot and whining about the gifted kid system in school, to which my friend agrees because we were both fucking loser gifted kids in school who now have several mental illnesses and bimonthly therapy sessions! Then she changed topics and talked about something actually important and i found put that clements just died of old age, so i closed google and opened tumblr

Consumed

Deans pov

I sit and pour another full glass of whiskey, downing it in two gulps. I welcomed the burn, wishing it would burn my memories away. My memory of her. My beautiful, amazing, strong, (Y/N). Its been a year and three weeks, thats 386 days i have been drowning in the pain and whiskey.

Sam walks in at that moment and sighs. I glare up at him knoeing exactly what hes thinking. Sure enough he sat down in front of me and grabbed the bottle that sat over half empty. "Dude, youre gonna have to stop this."

I growled and grabbed for the bottle but sam held it just out of my grasp. "Sam." I warned but he didnt cave. "Give it back damn it."

Sam shook his head, "this isnt helping you one bit."

"Youre right its not, cause its still in the bottle." I said grabbing the bottle from his hand catching him off guard.

He stood and ran a hand through his hair, frustration showing. "Do you think she would want you doing this to yourself?"

I laughed humorlessly, "she doesnt fucking care."

"How can you say that dean?" Sam practically yelled.

I stood up knocking the chair over behind me. "She left me sam! She walked away without even looking back, she just walked away."

Sam threw his arms up in defeat. "Can you blame her?"

"Watch it sam."

He rolled his eyes at me he knew that annoyed me when he did that. "You cheated on her dean, not once, not twice but multiple times. She watched you night after night going out alone knowing where you were going. I cant tell you the nights she would come to me crying, wondering what she was doing wrong. She tried for so long to be what you wanted but you just kept on running around with whoever was willing to climb into your car."

His words hit me like a punch to the gut. I could feel the tears threatning to fall but i refuse to cry. I dont cry after women, but (Y/N) wasnt just any woman. Sam laid a hand on my shoulder, i didnt even know he had walked around the table.

"Youre my brother dean and i love you, i also love (Y/N) too. Seeing her in that bad of a state killed me. Do you remember when she was put in the hospital for a week?"

I thought, the alcohol making it hard to concentrate. Then the memory flooded back. She was laying in a hospital bed both her arms bandaged up, a bandage around her throat. She couldnt talk for months.

"That was the vamp nest accident wasnt it?" I asked curious where sam was going with this.

He shook his head, "thats what she told you. I told her she shouldnt hide it from you but she didnt want you to see her as weak."

"What happened then?"

Sam sighed seemingly debating on whether he should tell me or not. "One night when she tried to get your attention you left and she just broke. I was in the library researching and she walked up to me and hugged me. She told me she loved me and to make sure to tell you she loved you no matter if you loved her or not." I opened my mouth to say something but sam held up his hand. "I had a uneasy feeling when she said she was going to bed but i never thought, i didnt know she was broken that bad. I heard glass shatter and i yelled for her, she didnt answer. Her door was locked it took me a couple minutes to bust it down. I was almost to late. She broke her mirror in the bathroom slit her arms from the inside of her elbow to her wrist and she shoved a shard into her neck."

I sobered up at that, "jesus! What the fuck?" I said glaring at sam.

"She said she couldnt live without you. I rushed her to the hospital and they said another five minutes and she would have been dead." Something inside me snapped hearing that. I fell to my knees feeling like someome was constricting my airway. Sam was saying something in front of me but everything was muffled. I ran down the hall to my room, i slammed the door in sams face but he didnt try to come in. I sat on the bed and pulled out the old picture i had in my dresser drawer, it was of me and (y/n). Back when everything was good.

I loved this picture, i rememver the day and exactly where this was taken. We were on a hunt in montana, a werewolf was on a killing spree there. (Y/n) was so excited but she never asked to go. She had always wanted to go to montana, so i asked her to come along. I actually didnt even get to ask her the full question before she was jumping in my arms hugging me tightly. This picture was taken after we had ganked the bastard, i took her to a local hiking spot that overlooked the beautiful mountains and a lake.

When we finally made it to the lookout spot she pulled her phone out and took a picture of the lake. I surprised her by asking for us to take a picture together. I put my arms around her waist and right before she snapped the picture i placed a kiss right on her temple. Her smile was so beautiful, even more so than the scenery. Her smile showed love. That was a good memory, to bad i dont have more good memories to outweigh the bad.

I pulled out my cell phone and called her number, i knew she wouldnt answer it but i had to try. Just as i thought it had been disconnected or changed one of the two. I was so frustrated not at her but at myself. How could i cheat on her? How could let her go? "Sammy!" I yelled and a few seconds later he was at my door. "Do you have her phone number? Her address?"

Sam stayed silent which made me even more frustrated. "Ill take that as a yes." Standing up i picked my duffle bag up from the floor and started shoving clothes in it. "I need them both, write them down, type them in my phone i dont care. I just need them and i wont take no for an answer."

"Dean." Sam sighed but i wasnt having it.

"Now sam!" I yelled, he stood still for a minute. I almost thought he wasnt going to give them to me, but he grabbed my phone and began typing.

"If she talks to you or sees you, and thats a big if. But if she does i didnt give you this information." Sam finished typing and threw my phone down onto the bed but he remained in the doorway. Slinging my duffle bag over my shoulder i picked up my phone and shoved it into my jeans pocket.

"Thanks sammy. If you need anything." I didnt get to finish when sam nodded and wished me good luck. When i slid into the drivers side i pulled my phone out. My heart beating so hard and fast as i looked at the address and number. She only lived two towns over. I pulled baby onto the main road before i dialed her number.

"Please, please, please, please." I whispered to myself as it began to ring. It rang six times then went to voicemail, in all honesty im glad she didnt answer. I didnt leave a message either. If i had or she wouldve answered she wouldve known i was coming for her. Now i have the element of surprise, she cant run if she doesnt know im coming.

@an-unhealthy-obsession @vicmc624

@tftumblin @holylulusworld @justanotherwinchester

I feel like venting so this will be way too much information about my life that i am sharing on the internet because why have a private diary when you can publicly scream your problems into the void

So basically, both of my parents kinda suck. They arent the worst, but they also just kinda suck :) So before i was born my parents had my sister. And between me and my sister my mom had a miscarriage. I dont know details of that, but i know it happened. I also know that my parents were not going to have me because of not just that but also they were already not getting along very well. But then they changed their mind for some god forsaken reason (i was not an accident i was planned) and now i exist.

My parents were at the point of hating each other before i was born. They divorced when i turned 18 literally, when i turned 18 my dad started slowly taking his stuff and moving out over a few months until he was fully gone and filed for divorce. I will talk about that later. But the point of saying that now, is that ny parents hated each other for 18 years, and for some fucking idiotic reason decided it was a good idea to stay together.

I have lived in three places. My first house was this apartment where it was a 2 family house, but like first floor second floor rather than next to each other. My family lived on the first floor, my cousins family lived on the second floor. My second place was the second floor of my grandparents house and now in my current apartment been here for like 8 years.

I am usually one to say i dont remember my childhood. Thats because i have repressed it. I have few memories and they are usually bad. My parents never “hit” me so to speak. Not in the /actual abuse/ way, but i was spanked and slapped by my mom. She likes to laugh about it to people still now. Thinks its funny that she could say ”do i need to take you to the ladies room?” To me and i would stop crying. One of the biggest phrases that sticks with me is “stop crying or i will give you a reason to cry” it still hurts even now just thinking about it. The number of times i could be crying over something that to me would be a lot and have that screamed at me with hand raised is just terrible.

A specific memory that i have is on i belive either my 5th or 6th birthday, i was wearing a velvet burgundy and black dress with buttons up the middle and matching burgundy headband. I dont rememver why, but i know that something upset me and i was crying, and i was yelled at to stop crying, and i remember sitting in my room before my party trying to stop crying and make myself look okay. I had a lot of birthdays like that. Kinda why i really dont like my birthday, but it also breaks my heart whenever my birthday is ruined, cause im always a little hopeful it wont be.

Some other memories i have involve being yelled at to clean. I had a lot of pressure on me and i was never good enough. Always did something wrong. I would cry at night and wish that i could just be perfect. I didnt wish things would stop happening, i wished i could become perfect and stop messing up and do everything that was asked of me. I had to do a lot. My sister didnt, my sister was the favorite. I have always known she was the favorite. Was always treated better, always had her side taken, always was the good child, the pretty child. I delt with a lot of anger and fighting with my sister, we really didnt get along. And i think part of the reason she was the favorite was because she would always intentionally make me mad so that i would end up fighting her. I punched and kicked her, she did the same to me but i was worse. I once had her locked into a corner and was hitting her until we got in trouble. I cried in the corner for a few hours after being the only one punished.

When i was little i had already been depressed and suicidal. When i was six i wanted to be left alone to die in my room. I locked myself in and cried with music playing. My mom screamed at me that i would be taken away. Being taken away was threatened a lot. And i remember her screaming asking me if that was what i wanted. And everytime in my head i screamed yes. But i said no on the outside.

I remember hearing screaming always. My parents were always fighting, over money mostly. My mom telling my dad how worthless he was and how he didnt provide for my family. And my dad wasn’t innocent. He could have done more, but he still didnt deserve the abusive words. He was told he was worthless for years. No one deserves that. They wouldnt just be screaming at each other though. They would be screaming at me and my sister too. I flinch whenever my door is opened still because of how my mom used to slam my door open and yell at me. I flinch a lot.

In middle school i mostly lived at my grandparents. With my parents also there though. My nana and papa lived downstairs and we lived upstairs, there was only one kitchen and bathroom though both downstairs so it wasnt like an apartment. This sucked too. My nana liked my sister better. Actually she was the favorite of all the cousins. We would all talk about it, well except her. My dad would also get into fights with my grandparents. They were my moms parents and because they sided with my mom for obvious reasons, he wouldnt get along with them always.

I remember specifically sleeping on the black leather couch while home sick, up in our living room on the second floor. Watching disney jr. i stayed home sick a lot. Not because i was sick but because i was too depressed to go to school and really good at pretending to be sick.

When in 8th grade my health teacher noticed that i was depressed. He was the first person to notice. And he had me show my parents a pamphlet about it. My mom took me to a therapist. But you see, im selectively mute. I didnt know yet though, so it just came across as not wanting to talk. My mom would go with me. She would always be there, she would talk for me. She and the therapist would talk about me as i sat there unable to speak screaming about how wrong they were in my head. Eventually it was just me in the room. But i still couldnt talk freely. My mom would be told everything. All of my issues stemmed from her. I tried to bring it up once. My mom cried, made it all about her, cried about how she was a terrible mother, i was forced to tell her she wasnt and push down all of my problems and just be forced to live with that just being how it is. I cant talk about it because i dont matter. My feelings didnt matter and they never will. My goal was to just make my mom happy and not worry about myself. I just had to be perfect.

My grandparents sold the house from underneath us and we were forced to find another place. My current place. I liked it when we got here it was nice. There was a time while living here where my mom didnt have a job. That sucked a lot. She was always home. Always yelling at me. I couldnt get away. I almost never leave my room now because i have become so accustomed to just being in it. I have a vivid memory here. My bed was on a different wall of my room. I dont remember what we were fighting about. But i think what happened might have actually gotten to my mom for once. She was screaming at me and i went into my room and she followed me. I ended up on my bed as far as i could get from her crunched up into a ball saying “please dont hit me” over abd over while crying. I dont remember what happened immediately after but i do remember she left and i cried a lot.

I also remember when my sister found a paper towel with blood on it in my room. She told my mom. The worst possible thing she could have done because it lead to screaming and making things worse. I was threatened to be sent away. A big theme in this whole thing, getting sent away. I have a big fear of that still. Fear of doctors and hospitals and therapists and mental hospitals. I was threatened with them so much so that makes sense.

Once me and my sister got in a fight with my mom together. My mom later decided it would be a good idea to call us both out and tell us about how ungrateful and terrible we were and that she clould just kick us out and that she didnt owe us anything. I had a panic attack. The first time i had ever had one in front of her. I couldnt breath. I sobbed. I went to my room and fell to the floor behind the door hysterically crying and panicking. She screamed at me to stop and threatened to call 911. That for obvious reasons made it worse and made me have to force myself to get words out begging her not to and to just leave me alone so that i could calm down. Which she hated because to her she just heard “go away” as if i was just being a bratt. I eventually managed to get myself calmed down enough to semi explain what happened and got away to my room alone.

As i said earlier my dad left when i turned 18. It broke my heart when i realized that it was literally because of the fact that i had turned 18. You see in my dads eyes, he couldnt leave sooner because he didnt want to walk out on me and my sister. I think if they had just divorced sooner things would have gone better. I wouldnt have had to deal with hearing screaming all night every night for my entire life if they had. But i can understand why he didn’t want to leave. He still could have left when i turned 18 in a better way though at least. He basically snuck out. Spent less and less time at home until he wasnt coming home until all his stuff was gone. I cried about it but i was glad he got away from my mom. But him getting away from my mom made life worse for me. She no longer had him to scream at, and she didnt scream at my sister as much, it was all concentrated to me. Everything was a reason to scream at me. It has died down now. Other than a few days ago when she threatened to take away my phone and laptop and basically all connections to the outside world. If she did i would have left. She refuses to actually let me get freedom. She is trying to hold on. I cant drive, i dont have a job, i dont have any money. She doesnt want me to leave. If i leave she doesnt have anyone to control anymore.

This obviously isnt my entire life and everything, but its just the stuff i thought of now. Its almost 8:30am and i havent slept, so i should probably do that now. But yeah. Thats my vent fo the day.

Europe - The Final Countdown (Official Video)

and Kirk is out to see several carrier groups are headed north and it was a fantastic hiding episode, and we sent the Klendathu after them, they passed right by nyc nd dc which are both under attack, virginia a short distance away, uprotetected by the entire remainder of the Atlantic Fleet,slowly it creeps up on Greenland to try and enact  a flood, several fast boats dpart, to take it over like last time messed it up.

and missed.  they blow their horns away off, get off they wont they ar e fired upn we hear stark say wrong decision, and he fires energy weapons at their targttingsyste theysmartened up, hit back and the boats crumple thy come flying out and soar to the ships anti missile systems are activated, one down, two then ten.

and all hope is lost we wil drown...they hearhim nah

and fire from above a jet, it is usa s it isunloading on them, a few of them fire.  nd thjets go up....

dr landrigan and tm cruise and others they figt for freedom, counter measures ae up nd anti issile hits one, two three the others are toofar the fighters catch up, hit thm they aregone.   jets and pilots.  to the bottom.   we go fetch them the ships continue without pause.

we see a sillouette in the distance, it is Rodan, no, it is Otachi, no it is that huge flying wing that someone rebuilt from Germany used the frmeand other working prts,the fighters see it fire on itcounter measures galore  too many for the size assault. 

and the jets go down from the air craft carriers, sunk.  and the ships make evasive manevers, cant but do.  and zig zag.  battle formation is called, and sial straight, they launch more jets, all they say I is  a sight they lanch simulaneosly they r up  fire miss  som e ihit w canon. 

the plane lists, hugepuffs of smoke from it.  they gout.  fires back thejets crash

and the jet pulls up and heads north, the remaining fighters return.   rememver the plan they say, so they hault.   and fix their stuff.  hearing it we go after them they threaten inland with missils.  we hit thy fall ou of the sky It is Rodan!!!

and it goes down, the entire airship.   and it heads towards the aircraft carriers, and it sees they see him.  he haults flips a few tail feathers and continues....he s outraged at their presence, other bird parents and in hisdomanin a floating nest  this man, he goeas after then I hear Rodan oh your in the wrog place....no

Thor

Zues

Hera

e says this weiht his nod you went too far I takeaction. and this is whythey all us animals.  we say It as if you go there you want a  ight then try to shirk it an it is never shirked.  so we say your animals he says below animals.  we agree

he comes to a rest atop the conning tower of one os the aircraft carriers, to see the other one or more. none.  then assaults the jets.  whoah buddy you got the wrong idea these are jets he can just hear it.....wrong these are not birds ok costly...they don't get heard.  all re gone and they say ok by hand and move out

ride the wave I guess.  som ships can roll....tonsof opportunities.  sothey fall out and try to find cover.   and the bird slams the deck with one foot to see if ther are eggs or birds inside...it opens with ease, she is easily 8 stories tall. he sees her and acts on te other carriers to stop them from flying, fast too...and really fast. I mean in seconds they are all crushed an off deck and they tear into it. t he last carrier sails off, the discard the planes below and bombs go down into the wate. we retrive.  and the last ship is pursued...they all fall into the water to flee and die almost instantly, snapping jaws of waiting sharks.  so much for thiersurvival instcts huh caa

Posiden

well they are really appearing much stupiderthan I thought.

Zues

we know why, work you said and work it is and was I is a warriors method, to block all out and succeed such as you and I have yo honor me by pushing Thor out a bit.  he was tough ok  and I laugh he tries.  it is our birds and our fight these louses hit us and used us ur country.  we take the fleet now....

Posiden

we would like it for prosperity as you  hae much of the Pacific fleet we do have much of the old fleet, and we agree, it is needed there.  so we meet

Gabriel