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breakfastteatime · 7 days

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Today's Fallen Order request is for @cityofperpeptualgloom - "I'm here."

“Cere.”

She looks up from her book (a detailed history of the hallikset and music theory she started reading during the war and never had a chance to finish) and sees Merrin staring down at her, worry clouding her expression. “What’s wrong?”

Merrin shakes her head. “It’s Cal. In the ruins. I don’t… He won’t speak but… I think he needs you.��

“Is he hurt?”

“Not physically.”

“An echo,” Cere surmises.

Merrin nods. “He won’t tell me what it is.”

“Leave it to me. And tell Greez he might want to clear out the engine room for a while, just in case.”

“He will immediately begin baking Cal those spice cakes he likes,” Merrin says as she heads in Greez’s direction.

Cere leaves the datapad on the table and heads outside into a beautiful, sunny day. The temperature is just right, the air alive with the freshly blooming flowers, sharped by sea salt. The old Jedi temple they came to explore is right on the beach. It’s so idyllic, Cere can’t believe the Empire hasn’t set up a retreat here for the higher ups. She imagines their absence is only because they’re too far from popular shipping lanes, and there are no military benefits to the location.

Not yet anyway.

The Force guides her to Cal no matter how intently he shields. Once a Seeker, always a Seeker. His aura, shrouded though it is, simmers with white hot pain. Worry spiking, Cere picks up the pace and finds Cal deep inside the temple, beyond winding halls of meditation chambers, bedrooms, refectories, even an empty library, in an oculus hall, bathed in the sunlight pouring through the open ceiling. BD looks up at him, slumped and sorry. He sees Cere and hurries over to her, feet tip tapping over the marble floor. He clambers onto her back, beeping quietly. She gives the little droid a pat on the head. She’s here, she’ll help. The oculus hall is huge. Once, it would have housed Jedi seeking peace and wisdom. Now, the painstaking marble carvings hopelessly stained, the chamber home to countless bird species.

Birds, and a small pile Jedi robes at Cal’s feet, weathered beyond use.

“Merrin sent you.”

“She did. She’s worried about you.” And so is Cere. Cal won’t even turn to look at her.

“Children,” Cal tells her from where he stands over the pile. His voice strains, thick with tears. “Left here, long ago. Not because of the purge. There was a disaster on a nearby world. The masters went to help, left their children behind, thinking they would be back within a day or two. They never returned. And these children, left alone, starved. They didn’t know what to do, didn’t understand why they were abandoned here.” He presses both hands to his head, hair spilling over pale fingers. “Everything I touch, all I ever see is misery and suffering. I’m so sick of it.” His head tilts back, tear-stained cheeks catching the sunlight. “Why is the galaxy so full of pain? Why can’t I stop it?”

BD hops down from Cere’s back and rushes to Cal, waiting for him to crouch down. Cal doesn’t so much crouch as collapse, sobbing.

“I’m so sorry,” Cere says. She’d suggested they check this world out not only for the Jedi heritage to be found here, but also to give them all a break. She knows he’s worked on his psychometry, found ways of managing it, and yet the fact remains that the past hurts. Crouching beside him, she places a hand on his shoulder. “I’m here.”

To her surprise, he falls against her. She wraps her arms around him, feels his body trembling with his tears. He’s not shielding her from it now. It buffets her, and it's only thanks to her own shields that she doesn’t crumple along with him.

She waits for him to cry it out. BD hops on to Cal’s back and presses against him, a tiny droid hug. Slowly, steadily, Cal calms.

“Release the memory,” Cere says. “Let it go now.”

“For once, I wish… I want…” But whatever it is he wants, Cal doesn’t say. Instead, he does something he’s getting frighteningly good at – packing up his feelings and putting them away, out of sight and unreachable. He pulls back, wipes a hand over his face, and musters up a faint smile. “Thanks, Cere. I’m sorry I worried you.”

“No need to be sorry,” she says, standing and holding out a hand. He takes it, letting her help him to his feet. “You’re allowed to worry me.”

His smile is a little brighter. “Did you hear that, BD? I got permission to worry Cere.”

BD whoops.

“Permission can be revoked, you know,” Cere says, nudging Cal.

#fic requests 2024 #star wars jedi: fallen order #jfo headcanon #jfo minific #cal kestis #bd 1 #cere junda #merrin #greez dritus #brb having more parental cere feels

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starsandstark · 5 months

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Screenshot redraw!!

I saw @fanfoolishness pictures of Cal and Merrin (Here!) when they made it through the Abyss and I couldn't help but redraw it because Cal's face is everything to me. He's so happy they made it, it's full of joy and pride and his first reflex is to kiss Merrin.

It's is a reflex there's no thoughts behind that move, they made it alive to the Abyss and the first thing he does is to kiss her, they're alive, they're together ♥

#cal kestis #Nightsister Merrin #calmerrin #merrincal #merrical #cal x merrin #merrin x cal

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stealingpotatoes · 8 months

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I AM SUCH A SUCKER FOR THE IDEA OF CAL AND MERRIN HELPING OUT!!!

If you want to read a great fic with some of that, plus some adorable dinluke, I would highly recommend Crash and Burn by @aureutr. It may be super long, but it is fucking fantastic!!!

obvs it's been a while since u sent this but I DID NOT IGNORE IT!! one thing about me is I am So Bad at reading longfics. I set my ao3 search to 15k max most the time LOL but I got one chapter into this and I was like OH MY GOD NEED TO READ MORE and downloaded the fic onto my kindle and OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. MAYBE ONE OF THE BEST FIC RECOMMENDATIONS IVE EVER GOTTEN EVER WHAT THE HELL. ITS SO GOOD IT HAS EVERYTHING I EVER COULDVE NEEDED IN ANYTHING. THE WRITING THE LORE THE CHARACTERISATION THE PLOT THE EVERYTHING. OBSESSED. WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. MY ILLITERATE ASS READ ALL 300K OF IT and LOVED IT

anyway this is a long way of saying thank u SO much for the rec omg it was amazing

#thanks for the ask!#fic rec

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geekywritings · 1 year

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Lipstick marks

I did get one request done these days! As I said, I will try to get to the others at one point, but if I don’t get to your request, I am sorry! Sometimes, it’s hard to find a muse for certain scenarios...

The request for this one: “Hii ♥️ Another cute blurb about our favorite redhead Jedi would be the cute Mantis crew tease about him having reader's smudged red lipstick on his face and neck! Would love to read that, thank you in advance :) “

_____

You were supposed to be his secret. Not because Cal was ashamed of your relationship, but because he wanted to keep you safe. Not even the Mantis crew knew where he headed whenever they stopped on Koboh. They probably thought he was doing some patrol run or looking for a new sort of trouble again. Instead, he went to find you on your little farm on the very outskirts of the ever-growing little town.

Just like this time.

The moment the ship had landed, Cal was out and heading to your place rather than the Saloon. His last visit had simply been too long ago and he yearned to hold you in his arms again. To hear you whisper his name full of love and to fall asleep by your side.

“Cal?”, Bode called after him, but all the redhead did was wave, as he sprinted off.

He found you outside, bandaging the injured paw of a little Bogling and for a moment the Jedi slowed down to take in the scene. You were as gentle with the creatures in your little clinic at the farm as you were with everyone else. It was one of the many reasons why he fell in love with you.

“There, soon you’ll be running around again.”

Now he could hear your voice, gently speaking to the ball of fluff in your lap and his heart soared. It really had been too long.

The Bogling noticed him first and made a squeaky noise, trying to get away. You let him go and looked up, seeing Cal approaching with a smile.

“Cal!”, you exclaimed, running toward him and practically jumping into his arms. He welcomed you with a laugh, holding you close and just taking in the moment.

“I missed you.”, you said after a few seconds.

“I missed you more.” The standard reply every time, but you smiled regardless.

“Have you been well?”, he asked, putting you back down, but still keeping you close.

“Better than you, I assume. You look tired.”

He absolutely was, but tried to hide it behind a sheepish grin. “The last missions got a bit intense, yeah.”

You invited him inside to take a shower while you prepped a meal, which you could enjoy together. For Cal, this was true bliss. A home, he never expected to have again after the fall of the Order. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to stay either. The fight still called to him and you respected his choice.

Still, after being apart for a couple of months, you hoped that he would stay a little longer this time. Unfortunately, he could not and your last day together dawned sooner than you liked.

“Stay.”, you tried to coax him, your naked body on top of his in your bed, as you pressed soft kisses to his cheek and neck.

In moments like these, he wished he could stay forever. But the danger of the Empire showing up and taking everything from him again was just too real to ignore.

“I’ll come back soon.”, he promised, a hand gently brushing through your hair.

“You said that last time as well.”, you pouted.

“I promise, Y/N.”

Slowly you sat up, watching from the bed as he got up to get dressed. You joined him in the end, closing the vest for him and pressing another kiss to his cheek. “Be careful and come back to me.”

“I always will.”, he vowed and gave you one last kiss before returning to the Mantis where Bode and Merrin were already waiting for him, busy talking to Greez.

“Ah, there he is. We thought you got lost somewhere.”, Bode greeted him.

“Not on this planet.”, the Jedi retorted smugly, but the smile disappeared when his comrades’ faces changed. “What?”, he asked.

Bode was grinning now, while Merrin held back a chuckle, shaking her head.

“Nice new look, Cal. I gotta say, the little pink on your cheeks and neck really brings out your eyes.”, Greez teased with a laugh.

Confused, the Jedi’s hand went to rub at his cheek, before looking at his fingers. Remnants of your lipstick… Dammit.

“What’s her name?”, Merrin asked directly.

“I don’t know what you mean.” He knew he couldn’t get out of it now, but he still tried, as he rubbed the proof of your night together off his skin, even though he would have preferred not to.

“The pretty vet on the outskirts of town. We saw you together, dumbass.”, the nightsister clarified.

“You knew?”

“I also like to explore. And I have two working eyes.”

Of course. While Bode tended to happily spend his time in the Mantis or in Pyloon’s Saloon, Merrin was bound to grow curious about the area. And your farm wasn’t exactly hidden.

“We are happy for you, kid. But next time, bring her over for proper introductions.”, Greez spoke, making Cal nervously rub his neck to fight the blush creeping over his face.

“Will do, Greez.”, he promised. Surely presenting you to his closest allies would be alright. They might tease and joke, but they would welcome you with open arms, he was sure.

“While I’m gone, watch out for her for me, ok?”

The Latero nodded. “Of course, Cal. But maybe you should consider settling down now… You could have a normal life, kid. A home. A family.”

“He’s right. This could be your chance to find peace.”, Bode chimed in.

Instantly Cal remembered your body on his and your plea for him to stay. But something inside of him wasn’t quite ready yet. If there was still a chance to destroy the Empire, he needed to try.

“I’ll think about it.”, he said instead, heading toward the Mantis. “Now come on, the quicker we get this mission done, the quicker we can come back.”

#cal kestis #cal kestis x yn #cal kestis x you #cal kestis x reader #jedi survivor

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queenofalpaca · 14 days

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I have thoughts.

I’ve seen multiple people headcanon that Bode didn’t really think Vader would show up on Jedha; that he just said to notify him to make it seem urgent and important. I get why people think so, it makes sense within the story. Bode does have feelings for Cal (at the very least platonic ones) and I agree that he probably didn’t actively want Cere to die.

But I have a different headcanon. I think Bode knew that Darth Vader would come to Jedha. I think he counted on Cal staying/going back to the archive and helping with the evacuation, getting everyone (or at least the important people) out before Vader arrived. Let me explain.

To me, the tragedy of Jedi Survivor lies in the fact that Bode and Cal have fundamentally different priorities. Cal’s priority is fighting the “bad guys”. Holding the line. Fighting the Empire, the Raiders, and Bode when he turns on him. He’s chronically incapable of putting that aside. It’s why the Mantis crew leaves him—and I put it that way intentionally; Greez, Cere, and Merrin clearly kept in contact. Survivor is the first time Cal properly talks to any of them again since they split up. The Coruscant crew also dies because they’re fighting the Empire. And finally, everything that goes wrong at the end of Survivor goes wrong because Cal refuses to stop fighting. (I don’t mean to say that it’s Cal’s fault. Obviously Bode fucks him over; but if Cal was capable of stopping and did so, Bode wouldn’t have done what he did)

Because Cal’s priority comes into a fundamental conflict with Bode’s priority: keeping your family safe. We see that that’s his priority in the game through everything he does to keep Kata safe. But I think it goes further. I think Bode projects that priority onto Cal too—thinks that it should be/is Cal’s top priority too. He seems unpleasantly surprised when Cal brings up using Tanalorr for the Path, not to keep their families safe. And don’t think he really understands and internalises that Cal has a different priority even after that. He shoots Cordova (something which would probably make most people take at least a moment to mourn), throws a grenade, uses his jetpack to flee. Besides the convenient second speeder bike in the garage (which has to be there for gameplay reasons), it doesn’t seem like Bode wants Cal to follow him. And when he does catch up to him, Bode tells him to go back to the archive.

Bode tries to tell him to go save his family. Cal stays to fight him, instead.

I think, on some level, Bode thought he would go. I think Bode knew Vader was coming, but he thought Cal would make sure his family got out safe. Because that’s what he would’ve done in Cal’s position.

So that’s my headcanon. I’d love to know what you guys think, which headcanon you subscribe to and which make sense to you

#headcanon #bode akuna #jedi survivor #cal kestis

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animatedjen · 2 months

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Hi! So I am relatively new to the Jedi games but became so quickly and deeply obsessed, and seeing another user send you a headcanon has inspired me to share one too, because I have no one I can talk about this stuff with IRL, haha. I guess a warning that it's kinda nsfw (like, VERY mildly), so it's TOTALLY okay if you don't want to post this.

Ever since finishing the game I've been thinking so much about Merrin and Cal and how their relationship will change now that they've admitted and embraced the fact that they have feelings for each other. Part of me for a while was thinking maybe Cal had his "first time" with someone he met through the Rebellion in the five-ish years between Fallen Order and Survivor, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt that it would be more in character for him to uphold the part of the Jedi code that forbids romantic attachments. Like, he was just so focused on fighting the Empire that even when a slight interest in a person did arise within him, he convinced himself that it was not only against the code, but a distraction from the fight. So, he pushed all those feelings away.

This leads me to my headcanon that Cal's first time is with Merrin after the events of Survivor. While I don't have lots of specifics in mind as to when or how it comes about, I imagine that when it does happen, it is the softest, slowest, sweetest first time in the history of first times. I like the idea of Cal, this person who dives headfirst into everything and (as Cameron once said himself) "kind of likes to fight," just being incredibly thoughtful and deliberate and maybe even nervous about allowing himself to be that vulnerable with another person. Like, all these powerful emotions and powerful physical feelings would be overcoming him, and the sheer magnitude of it all would cause him to slow down and ask Merrin to lead the way, and he'll follow, so that he knows he's not hurting her or taking things too fast.

And Merrin, who is always ribbing him and teasing him and having silly banter about who's stronger, who's faster, etc., abandons all of that during their first time and is just purely kind, patient, attentive, and present with him, taking pleasure in taking the lead and cherishing the trust that he's put in her. And when it's over, I like to think they just lay together talking quietly for who knows how long, with Cal holding Merrin tight against him and Merrin tracing her fingers along his skin, maybe along his tattoo or his scars, while they tell each other stories and pretend like they'll never have to get up and leave this wondrous place <3

My offline Star Wars community is pretty small, so it's nice to have people on here to share ideas with :) So glad you enjoy the Jedi games!!

There's a lot of narrative weight to Cal and Merrin: the Nightsister massacre being led by a lightsaber (Grievous), the manipulation from Malicos, the Jedi views of attachment and dark magick. They're both survivors of a war that destroyed their families, and they take turns helping each other heal and grow.

Almost every main character in FO/Survivor is a foil to Cal in some way - but unlike all these fallen Jedi, Merrin looks to the future and finds new purpose while still honoring her past. I think that's something Cal really admires in her.

I love the trust and steadiness that they have together regardless of romantic attraction. Admittedly I haven't read Battle Scars and didn't go into Survivor wanting a relationship for Cal, so I may not be the best person to share intimacy headcanons with?? But I'm supportive of the story Respawn wants to tell, and recognize the weight/importance of their connection when it comes to Jedi 3. These tags on my recent post are kind of where I'm at:

Also Star Wars is very much lacking in the "healthy relationship that LASTS and no one DIES" department so if these two can break the trend, that'd be great 🙌

#my favorite photomode shots tie into Survivor's narrative while also pushing the limits of the in-game idle animations #and these Cal/Merrin shots are super hard to make so it's a fun challenge! I can practice lighting and composition and storytelling!#but I also recognize that ship-adjacent posts do generally receive more attention #and want to make sure I'm not just creating stuff for likes - but to post what I care about and enjoy making #really sorry for going off-topic on your ask haha #I've been wrestling with this lately #also very thankful for gen fic writers in the FO/Survivor community <3 #asks #jedi survivor #cal kestis #merrin #nightsister merrin

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kanerallels · 11 months

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Okay here are my many, many thoughts on Jedi Survivor. I'll keep the spoilers beneath the cut, so all who venture forward have been warned!

The way the game started out was so fun!! The stealth heist! The crew members Cal was teaming up with! Being on CORUSCANT of all places!

I really, really love the gameplay over all. It felt like they took the last game and just improved these tiny little details that I remember from the first one. Tiny things that would seem stupid but also made the game play that much smoother!

KOBOH MY BELOVED IT'S SO MASSIVE SO BEAUTIFUL SO GORGEOUS I LOVE IT THERE VERY VERY MUCH

Also I don't know who decided we should get Fast Travel but I would die for them

I'll probably make a separate post about this, but Cal introduced BD-1 to almost everyone he met-- ALMOST. Not Dagan, and not a couple other people that it was clear he didn't trust. And I for one LOVE that detail

Jedha was so fun other than the fact that I almost died every fifteen seconds

CERE!!!!!!!!! AND MASTER CORDOVA!!!!! WORKING TOGETHER!!!!! WITH THE HIDDEN PATH!!!!!

The Merrical was *chef's kiss* absolutely amazing. They are so April and Andy from Parks and Rec I love them

As a fan of the High Republic books, I thought the Nihil references, along with Dagan Gera and Santari Khri, were pretty neat! He was a fun villain to fight

I really really loved... pretty much all the Greez content? How happy he was to see Cal, and the fact that he had a room set aside for him, and the fact that he ventured back out into the fight just to keep Cal safe. I was mostly neutral on him during JFO, but Battle Scars made me really, really love him, and this game definitely built on that! Also I love that he named his saloon after his grandma (I think?)

Rayvis was an interesting villain! I liked him a lot, especially the final battle with him. They did a good job developing his character

Speaking of villains... I do be feeling some emotions about Cal's fight with Masana Tide. I'm a redemption arc girlie at heart, what can I say? But I see why they did what they did

RICK THE DOOR TECHNICIAN MY BELOVED

THE PONCHO!!!!!!!! THERE WAS A PONCHO!!!!!! I GOT TO WEAR MY BOSS BATTLE OUTFIT TO THE FINAL FIGHT!!!!! IT WAS AMAZING

That one scene where the whole crew was at the campfire together and for like five minutes it felt like everything was going to be okay warmed my heart so much

Yeah I don't remember what happened after that (obvious lie)

I like the new open world features, and the bounties you get to hunt, and the customization and stuff! And those Force tear things are terrifying, but I've completed two of them, and plan to do more as time goes on!

Kriff. Okay I gotta talk about the Horrors at some point. Thanks to my lack of self control, I'd seen some spoilers and knew that Bode was gonna betray us. I didn't know about Cordova (sad) and I didn't know about Bode's secret (SO MUCH SHOCK THAT WAS AN AMAZING PLOT TWIST)

I will say, Cere's final battle against Vader was SO FREAKING COOL IT WAS AWESOME PLAYING AS HER

I also love the fact she set Vader on fire. It's ironic

AULSDKFJLSDKJFLSDKJFLSDKJF AND HER LAST WORDS REALLY JUST SHOT ME IN THE CHEST I'M FINE OKAY I'M FINE (more lies)

Uhhh the Tanalorr plot line was pretty cool! I like the idea of there being somewhere safe from the Empire, to prevent Cal from being killed for plot convinience

Bode's betrayal... yeah I'm not gonna talk about that. I'm not ready, and honestly I have an objectively awful take on the whole situation that no one will like

OKAY THE SCENE WHERE BD-1 REUNITED WITH CAL AFTER HE CHASED AFTER BODE AND JUST LAUNCHED HIMSELF INTO CAL'S ARMS I DON'T THINK ENOUGH OF YOU GUYS KNOW THAT I WOULD DIE FOR THIS DROID

The part where BD-1 was going to scan the trontoshell, and Cal called him BD and THEN BD-1 like he was his mom, full naming him into safety. I love it so much

OH ALSO BD AND KATA'S DYNAMIC IS SO HECKING CUTE

(can you tell I love BD-1?)

I also really, really loved Merrin's entrance. Ten out of ten, the only thing I would change is that Cal should have immediately proposed

Oh! And Merrin and Kata's relationship is so fun I really really like it

Ummm yeah I think I've addressed everything there is to talk about (the most obvious lie yet) so yeah! The brainrot is still strong with me so I might end up posting some screenshots and more thoughts later on!

#jedi survivor #jedi survivor spoilers #cal kestis #nightsister merrin #greez dritus #bode akuna #cere junda #eno cordova #kata akuna #dagan gera #rick the door technician #(easily the best character in the game)#merrical #santari khri #(everyone thought she and dagan were a thing right? or was it just me?)

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scrapratsoldier · 4 months

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IT'S THE FIRST DRINK they have together.

The second they have as friends. By the fourth, Cal isn’t so sure. He hasn’t had a lot of close friends or hard liquor. The way their eyes seem to hold longer with every refill could be as common as sand on Tattooine.

Greez glances at them from time to time as he polishes glasses, countertops, and bottles. He throws one or even two elbows into Monk's side vent to encourage the droid to do what you were made for, huh with a gesture. Cal and Bode are never empty, even with Monk, and Zee, too, steering themselves and their conversation clear of the two men sitting at the end of the bar closest to the back access.

None of that is inherently strange. Neither is the way they lean towards each other to hear over the three songs on replay (gotta get on Greez about that) or how the trust between them, between two survivors, makes it easier to talk about the past— they’ve already saved each other's lives and shared grief in the short time they’ve been acquainted. The first time Bode looks at Cal's mouth when Cal smiles isn’t all that exceptional. It’s by the fourth that Cal isn’t so sure.

Cal is more than a lightsaber, Greez said, but Cal isn't so sure about that either. All he knows is war. He knows how to survive. When you let loose, how loose? He has to be ready for anything. Just not this type of anything. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do with a look or even four. He doesn't know what to do about the hand on his thigh when they laugh so hard he almost chokes on his Slippery Monk (which was part of the joke, what an awful name for a cocktail). He doesn't know what it means when Bode, with something encrypted behind his stare, casually asks, "Show me your workbench?"

Cal almost doesn't want to show him his workbench. He knows how to say no, yes, and maybe, but Cal is a survivor. His instincts are sharp. He knows when he's being backed into a corner, and that's why he almost doesn't lead him down the stairs, past the storage and the kitchen, to the little room Greez had set up for him over five years ago with the hope that, someday, the Jedi would rest in it. He could take the stairs back up to the bar; he could dive down the smuggler's tunnel; or burst out the last door into the street; even with all of these exits, Cal does not have an exit strategy.

Cal is a survivor, and letting Bode back him into the corner of the room feels like it goes against everything he's ever learned.

"I'm not twice shy once bitten, Kestis," Bode's thick arms pen him, his head lulled nonthreateningly, his dark, glossy hair dusting the shoulder pad of his armor; eyes lazily closed; smile rosy from drink and anticipation. "Either way you wanna take that." He does not touch Cal, but his breath does, tickling Cal's crop of violent red hair; and his intent does. "You just let me know."

"I," Cal breathes, his eyes at half mast, the buckles tinking on his vest as his chest quietly heaves, and he fights, he fights the fight in himself. His arms are rigid at his sides, tied up as tightly as they've ever been.

"I don't know. What I'm supposed to say."

"What do you want to say?" Bode prompts. He smells like sweat, oil, and alcohol, and if any of that should be a deterrent, it is not. He smells like hot metal and hard work.

"I don't know," Cal says stiffly.

"The only wrong answer," Bode says, lifting his head and examining Cal's pink, freckled face up close. "Is the one you'll hate yourself for. Or me. I'm your friend, Cal. That can extend past the battlefield."

Cal's jaw knots. He looks down. His Adam's apple bobs when he swallows. "The type of friend you're talking about. I've mixed the two before," Cal says. Merrin. Never again. "It…complicates things."

Bode chuckles. Shakes his head.

Cal looks up at him quizzically.

"It's already complicated," Bode says. His eyes shine bittersweetly. "It's always complicated. I'm just trying to survive. War…"

Bode lifts his hand from the wall, and after a short stall of hesitation, he slides it against the side of Cal's neck. A warm, heavy weight. Encouraged, when Cal's lashes flutter and his mouth parts.

"War," Bode says again, his thumb stroking the deep scar on Cal's cheek. "Hardens you. I want to stay soft. For my daughter. For Tayala's memory of me."

Cal leans in with a shiver like Bode's is the first hand that has ever touched him, his own hands reaching up to cusp the sides of Bode's face. Bode presses their foreheads together and steps closer. He turns his face in and, in a husky whisper, murmurs, "Let me soften you, Cal."

Cal is a survivor.

Bode is too.

Cal knows he's not alone, but when Bode lifts him off the floor, wraps Cal's legs around his slim waist, and carries him. When they both tuck into the tiny bed cubby and laugh because Bode bumps his head. When they shed their armor and clothes. When their hands and mouths cannot still, and Bode moves in him, and, after, they take turns talking about their scars… He really feels it.

Not alone.

And he wants to be soft, too.

#bode akuna #cal kestis #spyscrapper #jedi: survivor #what are you talking about #this is canon #bode akuna + cal kestis #ficlet #feel free to reblog

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starsscarmyceiling · 1 year

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Cal/Merrin fic recs? 🥺🥺🥺🌹🌹🌹

ARE YOU KIDDING ME ANON YOU JUST MADE MY WHOLE LIFE! I would love love love LOVE to give you some recs over here!!!

Okayyy, first of all, @merricalfic is always a great place to start! I feel like here in the Merrical fandom, there are so many authors writing passionate and amazing fics for our fav space ginger and space goth lovers duo. There are plenty to die for, so here are some for ya!

Alriiiight, prepare yourself because it’s about to get looong!

Authors that I would just suggest you go and read all of their works:

believe_in_alderaan (@believe-in-alderaan) Yess, Bex has a series of oneshots called JFO Ficlets and Drabbles which is a series of just the cutest collection of our idiots falling in love!

Missuniverse5000bc and lightlark (@misfitz-7) Let me tell you…these two (who write a lot of amazing fics both together and separately) are like the real MVPs of this fandom. They have written SO many fics for us and I could not be more thankful for them!

myfaenwy (@myfaenwy) This author has a series of oneshots called But when I hold you I hold everything that is which is a very well written series that is just friends to lovers FLUFFY CUTENESS!

Oneshots:

you part the waters by januarys (G, 3k) Okay, I literally just read this, and it is so good! It is so well written it is almost astounding. The way this author has with words. It’s a first kiss story for the ages because I feel like this author captures Cal and Merrin’s dynamic so well (i.e., all of the unspoken understanding—that right there, is like the most Merrical shit ever imo)

Marriage; (noun) by Missuniverse5000bc (T, 15k) Okay, I know I already gave this author a shoutout, but I also literally just read this and it is fresh in my mind and I am dying. Our two fav oblivious idiots not realizing they are together but everyone else does at its best! And a few other delicious tropes to boot!

heart undenying by sunsorbit (@sunsorbit) (T, 10k) This is very well written and the tension dear freaking lord sweet baby virge Cal is like WHAT IS THIS WHAT AM I FEELING because the Jedi are a bunch of repressed weenies…so yeah he discovers what it means to feel attraction and it’s great.

you’ve broken new ground by sunsorbit (M, 6k) Okay, same author as above, same story, but from Merrin’s POV. Basically her being like omfg when is Cal going to notice that we are super attracted to one another WHEN??

A Failed Insurrection by aslanbrooke (T, 4k) Although this is based off a very heavy topic, this modern AU with both Cal and Merrin as police officers, is very well done. There is definitely some domestic bliss for our married babies with their own babies!

Funny Feeling by believe_in_alderaan (NR, 1k) Again, I know I already gave Bex a shoutout, but I put this one in here specifically because it is based off of a prompt suggested by yours truly AHHHH it’s so fluffy and cute oblivious Cal realizing in battle that he is in love with Merrin we love to see it.

Oneshots (Rated M & E):

I separated these out if smut is not your thing, but HEY if it is…😏😏😏

Let go of what you fear by Namesonboats (E, 3k) Okay so this is written by my giiiirl @namesonboats (also another author I am going to shoutout a lot sorry not sorry) and I mean, I am a sucker for one of the only other couple of modern AUs out there. It is very spicy and I love it like Merrin goes over to Cal’s apartment and tells him some great news, but then is just like…um yeah why haven’t we boned like yesterday??!!?!??

a different world by freedomatsea (@freedomatsea) (E, 2k) I mean, we love some awkward virgins doing it in the back of a space craft.

The Bad Girl and the Bounty Hunters by MaraLan (@darkowl-records) (E, 4k) Cal is kidnapped and guess who comes to the rescue??? OH YEAH. Ooooomg there is a line in this one and I am like…wow…that was good. That was very good for all of us.

Synchronous Orbits by FlyingMachine (M, 5k) Set after JFO, and it explores how Merrin and Cal grow close with one another (and yes there is some spicy stuff in there too) but it is amazingly well written and there are also a ton of fluffy and cute moments.

The Cave by ParaCord (M, 3k) Cal and Merrin get stuck in a storm, and they take refuge in a cave…so what do you think is going to happen hmmmmm? (they do it)

Multichaps:

What We Fight For by YamadaJisho (M, 61k) Okay, this one. This one and I cannot emphasize this enough, THIS ONE. OMFG. THIS ONE. SO. FUCKING. GOOD. First multichap Merrical fic I read and WOW. Set after JFO, Mantis crew sets up with the Partisons and they slowly fall in love as they do their part to save the galaxy.

A Path Forward by Namesonboats (M, 36k) Okay, another one by my girl, so good. Binged it in one day. Slow burn set after JFO. Oblivious idiots falling in love. Deals in serious issues of loss and what it means to carry on a legacy that is no longer around. SO GOOD.

Paths Aligned by Namesonboats (M, 77k) *DJ Khalid voice* ANOTHA ONE! Well HEY, look here QUEEN WROTE A SEQUEL!!! Set after A Path Forward and WOWIE I could literally talk about this fic alllll day (also binged this one in the same day lol). Cal takes on a purpose that I feel is so realistic; this should literally be canon. Lots of fun cameos by other SW universe characters. Sexy spy mission. Falling deeper in love. You know, just Merrical things.

Above Dathomir by RepeatOdyssey (M, WIP, 159k) Pretty sure this is the most popular fic in the fandom, and for good reason! An AU where Cal landed on Dathomir after Order 66 instead of Bracca. Very angsty slow burn, but hey, you know I am a fan of those. So good, really gets into their characters, and by the time they finally meet, you’ve already been taken on this amazing journey. Cute, awkward space cupcakes falling in love with a galaxy wide war and rancor attacks to just add to the angst.

Cultural Differences by MaraLan (E, 5k) (This is smut, obviously with the E rating) Lots of fun teasing between these two. They wanna bone and they know it. Author implements the game mechanics into the boning and I could not be happier about it (akaaaa Cal uses force slow and let’s just say he’s QUITE proficient).

Now, I am 100% sure that this is not even beginning to touch on all the many more amazing fics out there in our fandom, so Merricals, please I implore of you, if you love a fic and it is not on this list, please let me know on this post or send me a DM. There are a few fics out there on my “to read list” that I can think of already, so I will definitely update this list accordingly to spread the word of beautiful fics that need recognition!

Thank you so much for asking me anon! I loved compiling this list together! Hopefully this was helpful! 🥰😘🤩

Edit: there are some peeps I missed tagging, so if your fic is on here and you aren't tagged, just lmk!

#please please PLEASE merricals out there send me your fics!#unfortunately my fanfic time has mostly been dedicated to writing lately and not reading so i know there are PLENTY #that i very much want to read but have not yet #i would love to make this list more comprehensive #this was awesomeeee #merrical #calmerrin #cal x merrin #fanfic #fic rec #merrical fic recs #ask

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breakfastteatime · 10 months

Text

Today's fic is for @wigglewigglewigglenot who requested 'Family'.

Greez hears Cal bound aboard, BD whistling in the way that Greez always translates to ‘honey, I’m home!’ “Cal, BD, good timing. I’m about to start chopping up the veg for tonight’s stir fry. Wash up and –” A foul stench billows over Greez. Dropping his knife, he looks up from the galley table and stares at Cal. “What in all the hells happened to you?”

Cal grins from under a thick, muddy coating. “I threw some stormtroopers around for a while in a swamp.”

“Did you get in the swamp with them?”

“No,” Cal says. BD makes a sound that sounds very disagreeable. Cal stares at his friend. “No, I didn’t. It doesn’t count if a whole bunch of grenades explode after they’ve sunk into the mud and shower you with swamp juice.”

“Whatever, Cal, just get in the shower, burn everything you’re wearing and clean up so you can help out.” Greez glances at BD. “You too, BD.”

BD whistles and takes off. Cal sighs and follows him. A few moments later, Greez hears the ‘fresher door open and close, followed by the sound of the water shower starting up.

Cere emerges from the cockpit next, stretching out her limbs after hours of decrypting Imperial transmissions and tangling them all up so no one could talk to each other. She catches a whiff of ‘Odour of Kestis’ and immediately joins Greez in the galley, seeking out one of their emergency candles. “His sense of smell must be impaired after all that time on Bracca,” she mutters. Once the candle’s lit, she glances at what Greez is doing. “Stir fry? Excellent. Can I do anything?”

“Sure. You can get the hell out of my kitchen before something explodes because it’s in your presence and you scared it.”

“I am not that bad!” Cere protests.

“Hah!” Greez doesn’t trust Cere in a kitchen with something more complicated than a teapot or a caf maker any more than he trusts himself with Cal’s lightsaber. “Just go sit in the lounge and think happy food thoughts.”

“I think I’ll take the time to meditate,” Cere says, heading for her cabin. “I’ll send Merrin.”

By the time Merrin appears, Greez has the vegetables chopped, the pan heated, and everything ready to fry. “You are not adding scazz?” Merrin asks, peering over Greez’s shoulder.

“I know you like it, but scazz doesn’t actually go with everything, Merrin,” Greez says. No, what he needs is a few spices, a little extra soy for the noodles, some ginger to add a kick…

“I want scazz,” Merrin said. “I shall prepare it myself.”

Greez knows he’s not going to win a fight with her. “Fine. There’s some in the fridge. Make sure you use the knife with the red handle, that’s the one that’s sharp enough. You can cook it up yourself.”

“Why? You do it so much better than I do,” Merrin says as she gets the meat, knife and chopping block.

“You’ll never learn if I always do it,” Greez tells her.

Merrin stares at him.

“Fine, fine, I’ll cook it. Make enough for everyone.” Greez says that, knowing full well only Merrin will have any unless Cal’s feeling particularly irritating tonight.

The rhythmic sound of Merrin’s chopping provides the beat for Greez’s whistling. He drops the noodles in a pan while prepping another for Merrin’s meat. She carries it over on the chopping board when she’s done and waits for Greez’s nod to add it to the pan. It crackles and hisses. Merrin closes her eyes and inhales.

“Excellent,” she says. “Remember, I like it rare.”

“It’ll still be bleeding, don’t you worry,” Greez says.

Content, Merrin heads to the lounge. Greez lets her go because he hears Cal and BD returning. Both are clean and fresh, so Greez orders them to set the table. “With your hands, please,” he adds. “The last time you used the Force to do it, I lost a perfectly good set of plates.”

“How is it my fault Merrin distracted me?” Cal shoots a glare in her direction.

“Jedi training is clearly inferior,” she replies without looking up from the datapad she’s looking at. “A Nightsister would not be so distractable.”

“Wanna find out?” Cal fires back.

“Children,” Greez warns.

Cal sighs and wipes down the table while BD nudges placemats around with his head. Happy that Cal isn’t about to push and/or pull anything, Greez begins dishing up. He puts the scazz chunks in a serving bowl so at least the others can pretend like they want some. Cal dutifully puts the bowls out, chuckling to himself when he picks up Cere’s. He does that sometimes, catches onto things no one expected to leave behind. If he’s not sharing, Greez ain’t asking. He's learned to temper that curiosity. Cal is very polite about accidentally learning people��s secrets. Unless it benefits him some way. Or if the secret is so hilarious, he can’t contain himself. Greez may never live down that whole ‘Phixy’s Midnight Runner’s debacle down.

“Merrin, would you tell Cere it’s dinner time?” Greez asks as he shuts off the hobs and grabs the muja juice out of the fridge.

“Of course.” Merrin disappears in a twirl of green magick.

“Show off,” Greez mutters.

BD and Cal take their usual places. Merrin and Cere appear moments later. Greez takes his seat.

“This looks so good,” Cal says. “Thanks, Greez.”

“You’re welcome,” he says. It’s the least he can do, keeping everyone fed. He reaches for his fork. “Enjoy everyone.”

They all dig in, BD-1 watching with the same amount of interest the very first time he was allowed to sit at the table. Greez sits back and watches them all, smiling as they chat and laugh.

Yeah, he’s a lucky guy. Maybe he hasn’t settled down the way his great grandma would’ve wanted, but he’s still got people who matter more than anything, people who need him… He just never expected his best friend and his two kids to all have superpowers, or for a little droid to become an essential presence in his life.

Greez knows a good hand when he’s holding it.

(Pssst – The Phixy’s Midnight Runners minific for those who may have missed it. It’s an oldie but a favourite of mine)

#fic requests 2023 #star wars jedi: fallen order #jfo minific #jfo headcanon #the mantis crew #*found family feels intensify*#cal kestis #bd 1 #greez dritus #cere junda #merrin

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fanfoolishness · 11 months

Text

a heavy thing (Jedi: Fallen Order)

Cal realizes that grief catches up to you, whether you're ready or not. Cal tells Merrin about Prauf. Set about 1 year after Fallen Order, with some early hints of Cal x Merrin (but Cal is mostly oblivious). Angst, catharsis, grief, hope, friendship. ~4100 words.

Sparks showered overhead, and Cal flung up an arm to deflect them automatically. They bounced harmlessly off his thick leather glove and oiled poncho, scattering into the dark. He watched them arc away like stars streaming into hyperspace.

He left the sparks behind, scrambling from platform to platform, crawling through narrow passages between debris, watching the ground yawn away before him hundreds of feet below. Just another day as a scrapper. Another morning on rainy, brutal Bracca.

Cal settled into his work easily. There was a rhythm to be found in the labor, one he could sync to the music from his old audiobulb, a hand-me-down from Prauf. His ears hummed with music, though he couldn’t figure out the song. It was fuzzy and muted, like it was coming from a distant moon.

That was a little odd. He thought he knew all the tracks, had listened to them until the albums wore thin and the music skipped in places. They didn’t sound like this.

He shrugged away the confusion and tore into the wrecked metal beneath his hands, torch flaring, the smell of acrid metal and burning duraplast choking him even through his breather. He knew how to do this work. He could do this work until he died, if he had to.

Torch, torch, cool, break. The components could be separated out, sorted; everything that had a pattern could be unraveled if you went about it the right way. Cal pulled out thin laminated layers of duraplast, revealing working electronics beneath. Decent scrap.

“Hey, kid, not bad,” Prauf said, leaning over his shoulder. He looked just as he always did, the friendliest face on Bracca. Cal looked up at him and grinned in surprise.

“Hey,” he said, and something felt heavy in the way he said it. He shivered, but he didn’t know why. “It’s -- it’s really good to see you, Prauf.”

“It’s good to see you too, kid. How goes the day? Decent? Eating enough?”

“I’m fine,” Cal protested. “You don’t have to nag me.”

“Sure I do. I’m great at it, aren’t it?”

“The best.” Cal glanced around, realizing the evening lights had come on for the night shift. That was weird. He thought it was morning. “Hey, is everything, um, normal to you?”

“Normal’s only relative.” Prauf chuckled, the sound unmistakable even over the sounds of an uploading probe droid and a lightsaber hum. “What’s up, Cal? You’re acting weird.”

“Prauf!” Cal cried, shoving his friend out of the way with the Force. Prauf staggered and the Second Sister went tumbling. Her red lightsaber flared out and she got to her feet, panting. “Prauf, look out -- I got this!”

Master Tapal’s broken saber hummed to life in his hand, blue blade shining out bright in the sluicing rain. Trilla’s lightsaber met his, the hums discordant and pained. Then his saber was his own, reforged, double-bladed, green blades singing out. Cal fought, his hands straining, the Force flowing around him in an endless sea. He gave himself over to it, and he fought with a double strike, a swift parry, a thrust; he whirled, he danced, he leapt. There was only the Force, and the urge to protect Prauf. And then Trilla was gone.

“Cal,” said Prauf behind him, staring with admiration. “You -- you beat her. You’re --”

“A Jedi,” Cal said, and he swallowed, standing tall. He switched off his lightsaber, clipping it back to his belt where anyone could see it. He was done hiding.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Prauf asked quietly.

“I wanted to,” Cal said in a rush. “You don’t know how hard it was, not to tell you. I know you always figured something was wrong. And I knew --” He flung his arms around Prauf, scarcely reaching past the Abednedo’s waist., but he hugged him tightly anyway. “I knew you wouldn’t tell anyone. I was just so scared… I’m sorry I didn’t trust you.”

“Kid. Cal,” said Prauf, patting him on the back, then embracing him. “You got nothing to be sorry about. You were incredible.”

“I had to save you,” said Cal desperately. It was important that he say this, important that he explain. He didn’t know why, but there was something dark around the edges of his mind, something nagging and painful he didn’t want to look at. “You always look out for me, Prauf. You’ve always been my friend. I couldn’t let anything happen to you --

“You won’t,” Prauf said. “That’s what Jedi do, isn’t it? Protect people? I’m proud of y--”

And Cal woke up.

Merrin found him on the sofa, huddled in the corner.

Greez and Cere were sleeping, the Mantis on autopilot. Cal had been sitting here alone with only the emergency lights on; he’d even left BD charging in the engine room.

“You are not sleeping again,” said Merrin, and Cal nearly flew out of his skin. How had she managed to sneak up on him? Then again, the dimmed cabin made it a lot easier. He hunkered back down in the corner, tucking his hands into his lap.

“I wasn’t tired, that’s all,” he lied.

Merrin merely raised an eyebrow and settled a few feet away on the couch, giving him a quizzical look. He supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised that she knew he was lying. The past year or so on the Mantis had given her plenty of time to get to know him, and he’d always been bad at actively lying, anyway.

“Well...I was sleeping,” he amended.

Merrin cocked her head. She usually needed less sleep than the rest of the Mantis crew -- sometimes he almost forgot that he and she weren’t actually the same species -- and it wasn’t uncommon for Cal to find her prowling around when he couldn’t sleep. Tonight felt different, though.

“Something felt off,” Merrin said. “I came to investigate, and I found you.”

“You could sense me?” Cal asked, amazed.

Merrin wrinkled her forehead. “I cannot sense you the same way I would sense a Nightsister,” she explained. “But there is something now, after our time together. A connection. It felt troubled tonight. I came to see if I was right.”

“I think I know what you mean,” he said. There was something there. It was different, the way Separatist and Republic tech was analogous but not identical; his connection to the Force sometimes felt sideways when it came to Merrin, like a part of it was lost in translation. Yet he could catch glimpses of her sometimes in his focus, shining bright and fierce, and it was getting easier to see her that way the longer they knew each other. “I see you too, sometimes. It’s -- good.” He’d wanted to say comforting. Beautiful.

She gave him a crooked smile. “Yes, it is.”

He smiled back, but it was clumsy. Now that he was no longer alone, he could feel anxiety creeping up, bubbling up in his heartbeat, the pit of his stomach. The dream pounded in the back of his mind, realer than real.

He could almost feel the way he’d hugged Prauf, if he thought hard enough.

Had he ever gotten to hug him like that before?

“You don’t look well, Cal Kestis,” said Merrin. “Tell me what troubles you.” She drew her bare feet up on the couch, leaning back and fixing him with that unsettling gaze that always made him feel like he was on fire. Sometimes he liked it, in a way he couldn’t describe. But tonight all he wanted to do was hide.

“I’m fine,” he said.

“You are lying again,” she said mildly.

“Is that Nightsister magick? Being able to figure out when I’m a bad liar?” Cal asked.

Merrin laughed, a sharp, barking sound. “No. That comes from knowing you for more than five minutes.”

Cal tried to laugh, but the feel of it in his throat was horribly close to a sob. He stifled it, looking down at what he held in his hands. His old audiobulb, the only thing from Bracca he’d managed to take with him besides his clothes and his lightsaber.

“What is that?” Merrin asked curiously. She scooted closer, peering down at what he held in his hands. The hair tucked behind her ear fell into her face, and he was surprised by a sudden quiet urge to reach out and tuck it back for her.

Instead he held out the old audiobulb. Its weight, once as familiar as his lightsaber’s, felt utterly foreign. He hadn’t picked it up since he’d packed it away in the engine room, after his first visit to Bogano. So much else had happened afterward that it had fallen away from his mind the further they’d gone from Bracca.

How could I forget him?

“It plays music,” Cal said thickly. “It’s something I used to listen to back when I was on Bracca.”

“You do not speak of Bracca often,” she mused. “It’s where Cere and Greez found you? Where you hid from the Empire, and broke down starships?”

“Yeah.”

There was so much more he wanted to say. His chest ached with it. He wanted to tell her -- to tell anyone -- about long nights where he couldn’t sleep, where he played music into the morning until his ears ached, where Prauf and the rest of the crew looked out for him. Even as a Padawan -- no -- as a child -- he’d sensed it, the way the others tried to keep him from the most dangerous work as long as they could. They’d seen a short, shellshocked kid join their ranks, and they’d taken him in, Prauf chief among them. He wanted to tell Merrin all of it, but instead he just fiddled clumsily with the device in his hands.

Merrin looked concerned. “You’re being strange, Jedi.” A faint smile pulled at one side of her mouth. “More so than usual.”

Cal brushed the earphones with his fingertips, feeling the spots where the padding had worn thin. It used to leave a scrape in his right ear if he wore them too long; he remembered that now. There was a faint patch of maroon still present on the right earphone, and he scratched it off with his fingertip, watching the dried blood flake away. He let out a long breath.

“I had a dream,” he tried. “Couldn’t sleep after.” But that was hard to say, made his chest feel tight, his hands feel weak. Why is this so hard?

Because I’m afraid. Afraid to miss him.

“Cal?”

Cal pulled his knees up to his chest and set the music player down between him and Merrin. He wrapped his arms around his legs. “Did I ever tell you about Prauf?”

“Maybe,” she said. “Your friend, yes?” She reached out and laid a hand on his shoulder, and he leaned into it, breathing more steadily. “He was very dear to you, wasn’t he?”

He shouldn’t feel so scared of this. Shouldn’t hurt like this. It’d been over a year since he’d lost Prauf, since the Second Sister killed him in a fight that wasn’t one at all. He’d been able to talk to Cere and Greez about him just a few days after it happened; he told them he’d lost a friend, that Prauf had sacrificed himself for Cal. He’d been able to face it then. Why was this different?

He talked, and the words spilled out of him. “When my master died, when everything fell apart, Prauf -- He found me. Way back when I was in line to sign up for work in the scrapyards. He vouched for me when I didn’t have a chain code, helped me learn what I had to do… he was there for me for years. And that last day, he --” He couldn’t say it out loud.

He saw what I was. He knew what it meant. And he didn’t turn me in, and it got him killed. If I’d known more, if I hadn’t broken my connection with the Force, hasn’t lost all of my powers, maybe I’d’ve been able to save him --

He didn’t say any of that. It was too much. Instead he said, “Trilla killed him. It wasn’t even a fight. She just stabbed him, and he was gone.” He looked away, breathing hard. “I thought I was over this. But this dream…”

“I see them,” said Merrin, her gray eyes going distant. “My sisters. They visit me at times. They are more than memory, but yet not themselves. When they come, I am so happy to see them -- to know that I am not alone. Yet when I wake, the loss is all the keener for the closeness we shared then. Was it something like that?”

“I think so. This time I saved him,” Cal said softly. “I didn’t hide. I fought Trilla, showed myself and my lightsaber. I told Prauf who I really was. A Jedi. And he was… proud of me, Merrin.”

“Was he proud of you before, too?”

Cal looked down at the audiobulb. “I… I wish I knew. I hope so.”

“Ghosts are funny things,” said Merrin. “They have long haunted me. I do not fear them, but what they bring with them, that can be truly frightening.”

“You? Merrin, you aren’t afraid of anything.”

“Do not be so sure,” she said. She held out her hands, and green magick flared and roiled between them. Cal watched in fascination. He never tired of this, of seeing how her gifts with the Force were so different from his own.

Upon her palms a tiny storm unfurled. He watched, and a faint vision showed itself: shadowed figures, bursts of light. He didn’t understand it fully, but as the vision unfurled, a powerful wave of loneliness and loss washed over him.

“It’s like the echoes,” said Cal. “They feel so real in the moment, but afterwards, the emptiness… sometimes it’s hard to bear.” He still got nauseous, if he thought too hard about the devastating echo he’d had from Trilla’s lightsaber.

“Ghosts leave us hollow,” Merrin said. The green magick flickered and faded away, and she dropped her hands into her lap. “They pretend to show us the way it used to be, but seeing them a little sometimes hurts more than seeing them not at all. And that sorrow is a heavy thing, Cal. It is so heavy.” She gazed at him, and her eyes were bright with tears. She blinked them away.

“I know,” Cal said. “I understand.”

“Yes, you do.”

For a moment, they were quiet, and the ship hummed comfortingly around them. Cal tried to remember that he was here on the Mantis, with Cere and Greez, Merrin and BD, those he trusted with his life. They’d all saved him, one way or another. Just like Prauf had, over and over again on the rain-choked Bracca scrapyards.

The dream rolled over him again, and he saw himself for an instant the way he really was that night, a scared kid in an adult-sized poncho, swinging a lightsaber he hadn’t dared use in half a decade, running on sheer instinct and the will of the Force. That Cal felt far away; a Cal who couldn’t even meditate, who couldn’t reach for the Force without flinching, fearing, hurting. He felt like another person now. He felt like a Jedi again.

That was something to hold onto.

“Tell me of your friend, Cal,” Merrin said, reaching out to pat his leg. He startled at her touch, an electric jolt. “I see the sorrow is still with you. Perhaps if you share it, it will not weigh so heavy, or for so long. I know that when I first told you of my sisters, my visions of them eased. There are still times when the grief feels as new as ever, but… that is rarer, now.”

“I’m glad, Merrin,” Cal said. He laid his hand on top of hers. It was warm, her skin soft and silken. “I -- I can try.”

“Cal Kestis,” she said sternly. “You have taken on the secret base of the Inquisitorius. You have fought mighty beasts on backwater planets. You have slain the giant Gorgara of Dathomir. Do not tell me you are frightened of your feelings,” Merrin said with a smirk, but her eyes stayed kind. She leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “I know you are. But tell me anyway.”

He took a deep gulp of air. Her I know you are rang in his ears. She was right. But maybe he could do this. Maybe he should.

Maybe that’s why he had come out here in the first place instead of laying awake in his bunk in the engine room.

Maybe he’d been hoping someone else would wake up and find him.

Cal tried to figure out where to begin. It seemed harder than it should, but he guessed he hadn’t had a lot of practice. “Well… you ever seen an Abednedo?”

“I have not.” She shifted back into a cross-legged position and pulled her hand away, but gave him an attentive look.

“They’re about seven feet tall, and Prauf was taller. Big guy. But a soft heart.”

“You must have looked minuscule beside him.”

Cal groaned, leaning back against the sofa and stretching his legs out. “Come on, Merrin, just because I’m not as tall as a Nightbrother doesn’t mean I’m short.”

“To one of his height, I am sure you were absolutely tiny,” she said, shrugging.

“That’s a lot coming from you,” said Cal with a laugh.

“My height is not under scrutiny here,” Merrin said primly. “But come, we are talking about Prauf. You say he had a soft heart. What did he do?”

“What didn’t he do?” Cal said, shaking his head. “He kept me off the worst jobs as long as he could. Gave me the easy stuff until I figured out what he was doing, around… fifteen? Sixteen? He finally let me start doing the more dangerous stuff when I called him on it, but he never liked it.” He thought back further. “He used to sneak me extra meal vouchers, sometimes. He said I needed them more because I was still growing.”

“He cared for you. Like the mothers of my people cared for us when we were young. He sounds kind.”

“He was. He gave me this,” Cal said, gesturing to the audiobulb. “He figured out somehow I wasn’t sleeping. I think I fell asleep on the job once; couldn’t sleep the night before. He came back a few days later with this and told me to listen to it to help stay awake. He’d get me more songs for it sometimes.” His eyes stung unexpectedly, and he rubbed at them, blinking back tears. “I brought this out here because I thought I wanted to listen to it… but I’m not ready, Merrin. I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much now. I was -- okay -- when he died. I didn’t feel like -- this.”

He tried gesturing to his chest, gripping the front of his undershirt until the cloth tightened.

“It may have been shock,” Merrin said. She scooted back from him, stretching out on the couch and resting her heels in his lap. “Forgive me, but it is getting late. I am still listening.”

“I know you are.” He crossed his arms over his chest and yawned, exhaustion creeping in despite his blurry eyes. “Shock?”

“You had so much to try to understand so quickly. I know I was not there, but it is not as if you rested while the Inquisitors chased you. You had to move, so you did. I know. I had to survive on Dathomir also. The time to mourn my sisters was rare and stolen,” Merrin said, and she closed her eyes, her face slipping into sadness. “It caught up with me in its own time. Perhaps Prauf’s loss is only truly finding you now?”

Cal closed his eyes too. The Force wrapped around him, tantalizingly near, but he resisted its call; he wanted to be here with Merrin. As difficult as the conversation was, he could feel that it was -- fixing might have been a strong word, but it was making something better. The pain was shallower, more distant than it had been when he first awoke.

“I don’t know why now,” Cal said, his speech slurring slightly. “We’ve been so busy fighting the Empire. I haven’t thought about Bracca in a long time.”

“I don’t know why either,” said Merrin, sounding sleepy. “There is not always a why. I have long thought this. Sometimes, things are random, and that is how they are. Surely you agree.”

“Master Tapal would say that the Force is behind all of it,” said Cal. Master Tapal loomed in his memory, wise and powerful, wearing the faint rare smile he wore when Cal had done something well. “The Jedi view it all as connected. The Will of the Force.”

“I do not know then. Perhaps the Force wishes you to honor your friend’s loss.”

Cal yawned again, shimmying into a more comfortable position in the corner of the couch. Merrin’s feet in his lap felt strange, but welcome, like she was grounding him here. With her here, it was hard to vanish too far into his own mind. And with his eyes closed, some things were easier to speak aloud.

“It was my fault,” he whispered. “Not -- not Trilla killing him. She and the Ninth Sister were both there, and I know I couldn’t have taken them both on. Not where I was with my connection to the Force. But earlier that day… Prauf fell. He would have died, and I used the Force to slow him down so I could save him. Someone must have seen us, it was the only time I used the Force in five years. That’s when they came after me and he stood up to them.” Cal huffed out a sharp breath. “He was so brave, Merrin.”

She considered his words. “You said he fell. What else could you have done but used the Force? He would have been lost then if not for that.”

“I couldn’t have done anything else,” Cal said, and tears squeezed out from his closed eyes, trickling down his cheeks. He let them roll, his arms still tucked tight over his chest. “I just wish -- I wish I could have told him. Who I really was. How much I cared about him. How grateful I was for everything.”

“A person that kind does not do what they do for gratitude,” Merrin said sleepily. “They do it because it is who they are. I see that in you, Cal Kestis. Perhaps that is your friend Prauf, shining through.”

He let his hands fall, landing on Merrin’s feet in his lap, and he bowed his head.

“I am sorry, Cal,” she murmured.

“No, it’s okay.” He exhaled. “It just -- it feels good to hear that, Merrin. Thank you. For everything.”

She was quiet. For a moment, he thought she was searching for the right words. Then he opened his bleary eyes, and saw her face in at the other end of the couch, tilted to one side, mouth slightly open. She’d fallen asleep, still with her feet up on his lap.

Cal gave her a tired smile. He leaned back into his corner, closed his eyes, and let himself drift away.

“Hey, you two. Greez has breakfast going. You want some?” asked Cere. “Scazz steak and eggs.”

Cal struggled to wake up, a dream still lingering in the back of his head, but the heaviness in his chest was gone. This time, all he remembered was Prauf and laughter, bad rations and good music. He blinked owlishly up at Cere.

Merrin yawned mightily, kicking her feet off of Cal’s lap without ceremony. “Oh, Cere! Is it morning? Good morning to you.”

“Thank you for not wearing boots when sleeping on the couch,” Greez called from the galley.

“Believe me, Greez, I have learned my lesson,” Merrin said, getting to her feet. “What is for breakfast?” She joined him up in the galley, while Cere gave Cal a questioning look.

“Couldn’t sleep last night,” Cal said. He glanced back at Merrin, then picked up his audiobulb player. “I guess I just needed to talk to someone.”

A flicker of pride crossed Cere’s face, and she held out a hand to him. He took it and she pulled him up to his feet. “Looks like it helped. I’m glad, Cal.”

He tucked the music player into his pocket. Its weight against his leg felt familiar once again. I won’t forget you, Prauf. Not now. Not ever.

He followed Cere up to the galley for breakfast, a song from Bracca playing in his head. He hummed along, and when Merrin smiled at him, he hummed louder.

#jedi: fallen order fanfiction #jedi: fallen order #cal kestis #prauf #merrin #nightsister merrin #merrical #cal x merrin #my jedi fic

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