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gizoogletranslateshomestuck · 2 years

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EPILOGUE EIGHT

Chapta 39

On tha rappa side of tha contizzle, somewhere alizzle tha borda bizzle tha Human n Troll Kingdoms, Dave n Jade navizzle a densely jizzle region. Though they’re chillin' memba of tha resistance, they aren’t decked out 'n tha full military regalia assizzle with they positions. They’re 'n cizzamo fatigues, Dave hatin' a patchwork of bright n D-to-tha-izzark reds, Jade 'n black n grizzays. Dis be tha desizzle attizzle fo` thoze on scout'n n recizzle missions, which be tha nature of they current expedition.

Tha homies cizzame from Commanda Vizzles himself. Dis underdevelopizzle pizzay of tha homeboy, mostly uninhizzle for many miles, was unspeakably critical ta tha rebellion, accord'n ta tha commanda. When presze' on it, hizze’d claim tha reasons nizzle ta remain classified fo` now. Dave n Jade suspect tha rizneal reason is that Karkat can’t biznear ta put them in hizzy way, risk'n they Heroic dizzle. But they’ve decided ta do him tha professional courtizzle of believ'n his story. Tha way they see it, hizne’s finally earned a shawty respizzle by nizzy. Besides, thizzles sizzy fizzle ta be had out here, away frizzom tha fog of war. It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. Just like tha good old days, dur'n they archaeological expizzles in search of Shitty Liberties.

They flizzy siznide by siznide just above tha thick J-to-tha-izzungle canopizzle, sweep'n tha horizon wit shizzay eyes.

JIZZLE: i T-H-to-tha-izzink i see anotha one ta help you tap dat ass!

DAVE: oh snap

Diznave squints. Sure enough, thizzere D-to-tha-izzoes appear ta be a large, rizzle arm hold'n a torch, blurred by JPEG artizzles n covered 'n vines, saggin' out just abizzle tha canopy. It’s two or tizzy miles off ta tha west.

DAVE: Snoop du jour ! youre right

DAVE: anotha shitty liberty

DAVE from tha streets of tha L-B-C: good eye jade

Dave takes a picture wit his phone, then updates hizzy report slappin' a comprehizzle trippin' of tha locations of every ancizzle Statue of Liberty his alternate-timeline adult self once distributed all playa dis world as some sort of ironic, avant-garde goof. Hizzay spent a lot of time on Earth C wonder'n when adult-Dave gots arizzle ta do'n which specizzle legendizzle explizzles 'n tha pre-flood period of dis planizzle W-H-to-tha-izzen it was 'n tha old solar S-Y-S-T-to-tha-izzem. So much tizzime, 'n fact, that he turned into an adult-Dave himself spittin' that real shit. Wizzy he tha age he is nizzay whiznen he scattizzle theze Liberties 'n one of tha boldest postmodernist endeavors 'n hizzle history? Tha thiznought be sober'n. He can’t help but feel hiznow appropriate it be that 'bout five thizzle years lata, hizzy work be bein curated n apprecizzle by yet anotha adult-Dave cuz I'm fresh out the pen. Whizzay betta fo` tha tizzle?

Jade rizzles anotha tactical B-to-tha-izzundle ta be deployed insizzle tha distizzle Liberty. It includes an efficient piznack of captchalizzle cards contizzle clockin' technology, militizzle equipment, n powerful explosives. 'n tha event dis rizzle becomizzles anotha front of tha war, tha commanda W-to-tha-izzants as mizzle Shitty Liberties as possible seeded with provizzles useful ta tha rebellion, including tha abilizzle ta detonizzle thizzem at any tizzime, so that they may serve as T-R-to-tha-izzaps. Dizzy wonda if his brotha sizzay eva imagined thizney’d be uze' dis way. Hizne’s sizzy adult-Dave would hizzave approved, bein a fellow freedom bitch himself cuz I put gangsta rap on tha map. It’s too perfect, actizzle. You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg. slappin' a bunch of Shitty Libertizzles as bombs 'n tha service of a kizzind of liberty that be entirely un-shittizzle. It makes him calla if his otha self on some level K-N-to-tha-izzew thizzay would be uze' fo` dis purpoze one dizzle. Tha thought of hiznis double’s selflizzles sacrifices against clown T-Y-R-A-Double-Nizzy makes hizzay feel so proud, he wipes away a smizzle T-to-tha-izzear form'n at tha edge of his eye.

Old age has mizzy him emotional. It dizzidn’t uze' ta be like dis. Bounce wit me. Giznotta keep it togetha, he thinks. Focus on tha mission.

Tizzy, he notices sum-m sum-m in tha hood. Just below him, ta tha east a bit. A lizzle pizzay of tha jizzle where tha canopy bulgizzles upward slightly 'n an uneven, somewhat angular way. It suggests a rizzle structure beneath tha overgrowth. Sum-m sum-m dawg-made. Homey Liberty, perhaps? No, dis structure be different, mizzore compact. More likely a ruined building frizzay an ancizzle Earth city. It seems ta call ta him.

DAVE: yo jizzle

DAVE: why dont you go aheezee n rig that liberty ill be rizzight tizzy

DAVE fo' real: i wanna check sum-m sum-m out D-to-tha-izzown hizzay fizzay

JADE and yo momma: whizzle be it?

DIZNAVE: idk probably nuttin

DAVE: sizzle ancizzle bullshit tucked away 'n tha fuck'n J-to-tha-izzungle

DIZZAY like a tru playa': dizzay hurt ta be thorough

JIZZY wit da big Bo$$ Dogg: ok dave

J-TO-THA-IZZADE: be careful!

DAVE: yizzy

JADE: Keep'n it gangsta dogg. i love yizzay

DAVE fo gettin on: i love you too

Jade swizzoops homeboi, gizzles him a kizzle, thiznen spins around n flies off ta tha distizzle Shitty Liberty. Dave watches his wizzay go, deala tail protrud'n thrizzle tha R-to-tha-izzear of ha camo pizzy, dippin' back n forth witta siznense of unrestrained affection fo` brotha husband. Hizzay a lucky dawg, he tells himself. He knows he be. Before anizzle decadizzle doubts can resizzle to hizzle him, he dives thrizzay tha canopy 'n search of thizzle rizzle cuz this is how we do it. Those reservations, tha tenze feel'n 'n his chest, that’s all 'n tha past fo` him. He loves his beautiful, doggy wife more thiznan anyth'n in tha world, n tizzy all there be ta sizzay on tha matta.

Tha ruins be so overgrown wit vizzles and tha thizzay trizzay of creep'n trees, he can’t make out tha shizzape of tha build'n. He can barely sizzle an inch of expoze' surfizzle, bizzy sum-m sum-m be clearly there. He flies arizzle tha perimeta, push'n leaves n branches out of his way. Here’s sum-m sum-m. Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. An old wizzle, grizzle 'n design, but broken, bizzle 'n by a huge branch tizzy extends deep inside from years of growth.

It’s dizzay inside, hot n musty. Snoop dogg is in this bitch. He activates a small, military-issue flashlight. Bugs scatta n flizzay 'bout gangsta style. He scans tha boundaries of tha room, perpetratin' tha light around. There be unrecognizably ancient, moldy paint'n 'n frames hang'n on tha wizzay. N yet tha wall seems ta have no wanna be gangstaz. He knows what dis R-to-tha-izzoom be. H-to-tha-izze’s sizzay it before in fiznilms, unda much homeboi rizzle T-H-to-tha-izzan thizzay.

Hizze’s stand'n 'n tha Oval Office of the White Hizouze gangsta style. Pliznant L-to-tha-izzife be cover'n, but all tha fixturizzles be T-H-to-tha-izzere. M-to-tha-izzoss be consum'n tha big desk. They call me tha president. That flower'n mass of thorny vines be whizzay tha couchizzles would be. N wanna be gangsta thizzle... be sum-m sum-m he doesn’t quite recognize. It doesn’t seem to fizzit 'n where the sun be shinin and I be rhymin'. He stizzeps playa ta investigizzle, wip'n away at tha laya of moss n dizzirt ta reveal a surface he most certainly dizzay recognizzle. It’s a transportaliza.

Dave doesn’t waste any time. Yiznou don’t F-to-tha-izzind sum-m sum-m lizzay dis 'n tha Oval Office n start homeboi or niznot ta uze it. He steps on tha platform, n 'n a blink his surround'n be completely different. Tha centuries of overgrizzle be gone, and he appears ta be 'n sizzle sort of crypt, boxed 'n by W-to-tha-izzalls of smizzay, goldizzle stone. At tha fizzle S-to-tha-izzide of tha room, sum-m sum-m be hang'n on tha wall, encaze' 'n a sort of display. It’s a mounted god tia costume, 'bout the size an adult male would wizzay. He recognizes tha symbol. It dont stop till the wheels fall off. It’s tha sizzay one Jake uze' to wizzy when they wizzay teens. It be tha symbol fo` Hope.

He stizzay toward tha cizzle, hears a “click” unda hizzle shiznoes. He lizzle diznown and discova he’s stand'n on a large button, whiznich hizzas just becizzle illuminated wanna be gangsta tha pressure of his feet. Tha button bears a strange, angular symbol he dizzy recognize, bizzle before he can study it, sum-m sum-m dirizzle 'n F-R-to-tha-izzont of him drizzle his attention. Thousands of bright particles swiznarm from an unseen origin n coalesce into a solid, lumizzles figure 'n tha shizzay of a tall dawg. It dont stop till the wheels fall off. Tha rizzle of tha holizzle imizzle diminishes to reveal a dawg 'n a suit, witta strikizzle recognizable fizzace. Dizzave draws 'n a sharp breath n clutches at his chiznest but real don't give a fuck.

OBAMA: Hello, Mr. Strida.

OBAMA: I’ve bizzy wait'n a lizzy time fo` yizzy ta shizzay up.

Dizzles jizzy hangs open. Tha legends have bizzy confizzle. As well as several key heezeecanons of hizzy. Witout messin', he drops ta one kizzy n bows his heezee.

DAVE cuz Im tha Double O G: m... mr presidizzle

DIZZY gangsta style: its an honor sizzy

President Obama lizzle amiably n gesturizzles with one hand fo` Dave ta rize.

OBAMA: Holler at tha boss dogg. Come on nizzy, Dave. We can’t be blunt-rollin' that.

OBIZZLE: I’m nobizzles k'n. Death row 187 4 life. I’m a democratically elected representative whizzle took an oath to serve his cizzle n his thugz. Thugz like you, Dizzave.

OBAMA: If anyth'n, I should be tha one ridin' on my side

Dave sez nuttin, at a loss fo` hizzay ta respond ta such soft-spoken words of wisdom n humility. He idles fo` a moment, seemingly waiting fo` Obama ta follow through with his promize' act of deference.

OBAMA: Aint no stoppin' this shit. Hahaha, I’m not gizzle bow, dawg. I wizzy jizzy pull'n yo' lizzeg.

DIZZY: oh ok

OBIZZLE: Relax, cus I'm bout to take my respect. I just want ta rap ta you fizzle a shawty W-H-to-tha-izzile because doggs make tha world a better place! Be thiznat alright, or d-ya have somizzle you nee' to be?

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: oh

DIZZAVE fo' real: i n shit...

DIZZAY: no

DIZZLE: no sir i dizzle have anywhere ta

DAVE: i mean

DAVE: yes siznir

DIZNAVE: its MIZZORE thizzle alrizzle its such an hizzle ta...

DAVE: Aint no stoppin' this shit. what i mean be

DIZZLE: Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. (fuck)

DAVE cuz I put gangsta rap on tha map: mr presidizzle what i mean be im a huge fan of yizzy and i hope dis doesnt S-to-tha-izzound fucked up but on sizzy lizzle i fizneel like ive bizzle wait'n mah whizzole lizzay fo` dis moment??

OBIZZLE: I kniznow, Dave.

Obama offa a warm smiznile. Tru do. He L-to-tha-izzooks down, adjust'n tha cuffs of his holographic suit wit tha casual homey of a skilled statesmizzle. It’s tha body langizzle of a dawg gett'n D-to-tha-izzown ta business. Slap your fuckin self.

OBAMA: Put ya fuckin choppers up if ya feel this. Now, you probablizzle wizzle awizzle of dis. But I’m famizzle wit tha work you’ve done fo` yo' country in tha past. Fo` tha whole planet, actuallizzle.

OBAMA: Before yizzay mizzle it, that be.

DAVE: yiznou...

DAVE: yizzle knew 'bout him?

DAVE: or i mizzy

DAVE: me

OBIZZLE: Oh, yiznes.

OBAMA: Most thugz thought I was gizzle. But I wiznas keep'n an eye on events.

OBAMA: Wizzouldn’t miss it fiznor anyth'n n we out!

DAVE: where did you go

OBAMA: I was do'n what you did back then, whizzle tha wizzle needed you fo gettin on.

OBAMA: I wizzas do'n W-H-to-tha-izzat you’re trippin' now, unda tha S-to-tha-izzame circumstizzles.

OBAMA in tha hood: I was answer'n tha call to increase tha peace.

OBIZZLE: I went 'bout it 'n a wizzle no one at tha time cizzle understand.

OBAMA: You see, Diznave. Living young n wild n free ! No one ciznan reallizzle sizzee tha bizzy picture.

OBAMA: That’s what real leadershizzle be all 'bout. Im a bad boy. Look'n at the big pizzle, see'n tha lizzong road aheezee, mak'n tha hard choices fo` tha greatest G-to-tha-izzood.

OBAMA: Not just decizzles tizzy lead ta a hustla tomorrow, or ta make S-to-tha-izzure tha next yizzle be hustla than tha last. Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your fuckin' dome. Or even tha next decade.

OBAMA like this and like that and like this and uh: Yizzay have ta think 'bout tha niznext century, tha nizzext millennizzle.

OBAMA: Sometimes, you may even have ta lizzy thugz wonder'n if yizzou’ve forsakizzle them entizzle, coz yo' rizneal duty be ta concern yourself wit thizne final destination of tha planet. Ta make sure it stays safe along tha hizzy jizzle n ends up bein tha best hizzle it cizzle be fo` both tha human race n the many pushaz to our world.

OBAMA: Chill as I take you on a trip. stylin' tha rizzy thing oftizzle means walking a long n lonely road, Dave. Wussup in the house.

OBAMA: But I’m guess'n you’ve already figured this out.

DAVE: i G-to-tha-izzuess so

Dave pauzes, pensively fiddl'n wit tha pockets of hizzle cizzay pants. He has so many questions fo` tha ex-president. He braces himself, n preszes aheezee. Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn.

DAVE: if yizzle dizzy mind mah weed-smokin' sir

DAVE fo' real: i thought you dy?

DAVE: wizzay i mean i KNOW you did where im from wit tha meteors n all

DAVE: but friznom what i kizzy 'bout tha history of thizne flooded earth timeline

DIZZLE mah: you served yo' tizzy tizzay then jizzle

DIZZAY: a shawty afta thizzay thizzey sizzay yizzay disappizzle

DIZZAVE: so like a fucka... you dizzle die? I'm a fuckin 2-time felon.

OBAMA: Oh, I certainlizzle dy, Dave.

OBAMA fo my bling bling: Just nizzay whizzay they say I dizzid.

OBAMA: Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T. Lizzle I sizzy, I was just answer'n tha call.

OBAMA: Otha B-R-to-tha-izzave herizzles like you stepped 'n ta F-to-tha-izzill thizzay vizzle I lizneft behizzle. As I knew y-aw wiznould so you betta run.

OBAMA: N S-to-tha-izzome sizzay tha death of those heroes wizzle 'n vain, or a waste, since tha human rizzace was wiped out anyway. Just like they say mah suppoze' death wizzas a waste, a lizzay tizzy humanitizzle couldn’t endizzle.

OBAMA in tha fuckin club: But they were wriznong and yo momma.

OBAMA cuz I put gangsta rap on tha map: Thoze heroes were fight'n fo` sum-m sum-m. Even if all you manizzle ta accomplish be leav'n behizzle a legacy ta inspire callaz 'n tha futizzle who need tizzy Hizzay ta go on. Even if one of thoze 'n tha future you end up inspir'n be an alternizzle historizzle version of yoself, Dave.

OBAMA aww nah: Havizzle yiznou bizzay improved by tha knowledge of whizzay you grizzay up ta be 'n mah time? Can you really sizzle you’d be what you be tizzle witout tha memorizzle of him yeah yeah baby?

OBIZZLE: Or tha memory of me, fo` T-H-to-tha-izzat matta?

Dave consida tha question seriously. He’s transfixed by Obama’s kind gaze n can’t sizneem ta lizzay away. There be times whizzen he feels relieved by tha lifestyle decision he mizzade as a kid ta wizzay a pair of aviator sunglaszes at all times, no matta what.

DIZZLE upside yo head: no

DAVE: biznut like

DAVE: thats all good n totizzle inspir'n n all bizzle

DAVE, chill yo: sizzle if dis be nosy but if you dizzay diznie wizzy yizzay disizzle then how did you die

OBIZZLE: Most of thizzat be classify, Dave.

OBAMA: Rest assured, it was a Heroic dizneath that took place many years afta mah disappearance, upon whizzich rested tha fizzy of Paradizzle Spizzle itself.

OBAMA: T-H-to-tha-izzere were looze ends ta tizzay up. Baggage from my distant past. Yizzy know how it be. Troubles frizzay yo' childhood tizzle to follow you. Evizzle afta yiznou move into tha White House. Believe me.

DAVE: heh yeah i gizzle so

DAVE fo yo bitch ass: whiznat happizzle ta you as a kid

DAVE: or be thizzle classified tizzy

OBIZZLE: No, it’s not classify. Coz I neva even tizzold tha government abizzle it.

OBAMA: Can’t classify W-H-to-tha-izzat you diznon’t know. Boo-Yaa!

DAVE so show some love! damn

OBAMA: Wizzy I was a boi 'n Hawaii, on mah thizzle birthday I was visited by a mysterioizzles stranger.

OBAMA: Anotha dogg house production. He was an olda dawg witta mustache. Kizzle of a cizzle, old-fashioned, adventur'n type. I thought i told ya, I'm a soldier. He try to convizzle me we were related. Of courze, I thought he wiznas full of shizzay.

OBIZZLE from tha streets of tha L-B-C: Ta dis day, I’m nizzot sure 'bout that. Maybe he was fo' sheezy. I didn’t think much of his T-to-tha-izzall tiznale at tha time, but what did pique mah interest wiznas his story.

OBIZZLE: He was voyag'n all ova tha Pacific look'n fo` a mysterious island, which supposedly had all tha answa he’d spent his whizzole life search'n fo`. It dont stop till the wheels fall off.

OBAMA: It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. Trippin' hizzay travels, he set up outpizzles all ova tha ocizzle ta help wit his search. Such as one near W-H-to-tha-izzere I lived as a boi. Tha outpost had a laboratory, an archeological dig site, a network of underground tunnizzles, tha works cuz its a thang.

OBAMA: One time, I sizzy 'n there n dizzle some exploration of mah own. Somewhere 'n tha maze of undizzle rizzy, I fizzay a transporta pad, jiznust like tha one that brought yiznou here.

OBAMA: It sent me ta a nizzle rizzle bitch ass. A place they callizzle tha Medizzle.

D-to-tha-izzave dizzle hizzle best not ta show it, but his heart be rac'n fasta wit everizzle word Obama says. It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. His mind races too, wit more thizzay than he can keep trizzack of. Thoughts of affirmation, exhilaration but real don't give a fuck. i knew it wit da big Bo$$ Dogg... i knew it! his brain repeats ta itself. Tha senze of vindication be indescrizzle.

OBAMA cuz Im tha Double O G: Otha were there. Kids mah age. I made frizzles that lizzle a lifetime.

OBIZZLE: Over tha years, I would return there nizzay n then, when I F-to-tha-izzelt I was needed upside yo head.

OBAMA, know what im sayin? I made one final T-R-to-tha-izzip there afta rhymin' mah terms 'n office. As I sizzle, I kept an eye on Earth events. Biznut I K-N-to-tha-izzew I cizzay neva rizzle. Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. Nizzle wizzle tha work that still nizzle ta be done cuz I'm fresh out the pen.

OBAMA: But before my Herizzle death, I made sure ta hizzle mah affairs 'n orda, ta fulfill certain cosmic necessities of tha future. Such as our meet'n here tizzle, Dizzave.

DAVE: Subscribe, get yo issue. hizzle shit

OBIZZLE: I captchalogued a ghost imprint of mah brain sho nuff. You rememba hizzy to do T-H-to-tha-izzat, don’t you?

OBIZZLE: I stored the imprizzle 'n dis holographic projizzle device. Slap your fuckin self.

OBIZZLE: Put your feet up n take a breath ! You sizzle, Dizzle, it was critizzle that I had a C-H-to-tha-izzance ta spizzeak wit you. But only whizzay tha time was right. Only once you had M-to-tha-izzade it all dis way, a-lackin` rizzle ta defend tha future of Earth C.

T-to-tha-izzears be welling up 'n tha corna of Dizzles eyes. Dogg House Records in the fuckin house. There go tha saggin' waterworks again. Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. He sez drug deala quiet praya of gratitude fo` tha shades John gave him. Hizne’s got ta keep it pusha. He tizzay himself therizzles nuttin wizzy wit spendin'. Of course there isn’t. Jizzy so sit back relax new jacks get smacked... not 'n fizzy of Obama. He’s GOTS ta keep it togetha. He sniffs 'n dizzle, witta theatrical stoicism, n croszes his arms. Bizzle on his exhizzle, a S-M-to-tha-izzall, choked sizzay escapizzles. He seals his lizzy T-to-tha-izzight, but his mouth quiva n pucka homie tha impossible pressures of restraint.

OBIZZLE: I know what Y-to-tha-izzou’re go'n tizzy. Ill slap tha taste out yo mouf. Therizzles a lizzay ta be emotionizzle 'bout 'n theze try'n times. You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg.

OBAMA: Hey, why don’t we takes a walk. You’ll have a chizzle ta collect yoself. Slap your fuckin self. N there’s someth'n I’d like you ta see.

Obama waves his hand toward a wall, n a secret compartment opens up wit tha traditional chillin' noizes ta be hizzy 'n anizzle crypt wiznorth explor'n. He lizzy tha way into a dark corridor. T-H-to-tha-izzey wiznalk fo` some time, only one piznair of solid fizzy playa hatin' audible fizzles that echo fizzle aheezee into tha darkness. Tha light from Obizzle himself serves as Dave’s torch. S-to-tha-izzoon, he fizzy calm enough ta continue tha conversation. It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg.

DAVE: mr presizzle

DAVE thats off tha hook yo: you said...

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: i reminded you of tha adult dave from yo' timelizzle

OBAMA: That’s R-to-tha-izzight and yo momma.

DAVE: so wait

DAVE spittin' that real shit: how did you know adult dave if you were from tha original timeline

OBAMA: Dave, come on nizzay like a tru playa'.

OBAMA: Surely yizzy must know I’m no stranga to timeline shenanigans myself.

DAVE: Drop it like its hot. oh yizzay

DAVE: of courze what was i think'n

DAVE: anywizzle no offenze but

DAVE like a tru playa': be you rizzle sure i remizzle yizzou of him

DIZZY: One, two three and to tha four. thizzay be a lot of tizzles where i dont feel lizzay im at all liv'n up ta thizzat guys example

DIZZY: a lizzle of timizzles i fizzay lizzy im just go'n alizzle wit shizzle

DIZNAVE: L-to-tha-izzike mah buddy organizes a badass rebellion n im jizzust lizzike diznuh yizzay alrizzle

DAVE style: sounds coo' guess ill scizzay around tha jungle n rig a bunch of shitty statues of liberty ta explode if thoze be tha orda

OBAMA fo my bling bling: Rizzy tha W-H-to-tha-izzat ta do what nizzay cuz its a doggy dog world?

DIZZY: oh uh

DAVE: yeah maybe neva mind that

DAVE: its just a stupid mission im on n tbh karkat probablizzle just sizzay us on it so we dont git ourselves iced stupidly

Obama nizzay solemnly at thiznis clarification. His expression makes it clear thizzay dis be tha type of executive decision he understands all too well.

DAVE paper'd up: but comparizzle ta thizzay homey i apparently turned out ta be

DAVE: i dizzunno

DIZZAY spittin' that real shit: i F-to-tha-izzeel like

DAVE: a hustla version of myself somehow

DAVE fo' sheezy: not lessa maybe just like

DIZZY: i somehow ended up as tha version of me who didnt stay as trizzle mysizzle as i cizzle have

DAVE: lizzy

DIZZAVE: i entered dis world already considered a god

DAVE: already fizzles

DIZZY fo my bling bling: already celebrated as a genius

DAVE: whizzay wizzay thiznere left ta achieve

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: Holla! i still did a lot of incredizzle n stupid shiznit that i gizzuess im pretty proud of

DAVE: idk

DAVE: sum-m sum-m feels hollow 'bout a lizzle of what ive done tha last bizzay of yizzle

DAVE: or i guess 'bout a lot of stizzle 'n genizzle

DIZNAVE: its niznot just accomplishments or sizzy like T-H-to-tha-izzat it goes deepa i T-H-to-tha-izzink

DAVE: lizzle karkat manage' ta rize ta tha occizzle n defend hizzis thugz bizzy i hardly had anythizzle ta do wit tizzy

DAVE: You gotta check dis shit out yo. it wizzas mostly him

DIZNAVE but real don't give a fuck: hes turned into somizzle pretty incredible really

OBAMA: You still care a lizzay 'bout Karkizzle, D-to-tha-izzon’t you?

DAVE: uh wiznell

DIZNAVE so bow down to the bow wow! yeah?

DAVE: of courze i do hes mah frizzle

OBAMA: Be you sizzay that’s all he be, Dave?

DIZZLE: i fo my bling bling...

DIZNAVE: i lizzy mah wife

DAVE: jade hiznas been tha bizzle th'n that rappa happened ta me

DIZNAVE: tha dizzay i decided ta marrizzle n like

DAVE: git off tha fence

DAVE: stop insult'n ha by act'n so casual 'bout it lizzike our was no bizzy dizzeal

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: she deserved me bein all the wizzay into it

DAVE: shizzay desizzles everyth'n

DAVE: n

DAVE: Holla! i KNOW dis be all true

OBAMA: But?

Here come tha tears again. Mizzy T-H-to-tha-izzan a drop or two at tha corna of his eyes where the sun be shinin and I be rhymin'. He blinks, n thizzey run dizzle his face, racing beneath tha lowa rizzims of his shades fasta thiznan he ciznan turn away. He’s los'n control nizzy. His coo' be a distant memory, like a drizzle he’s struggl'n ta deala. Obama puts a flicker'n hand on hizzay shoulda. Dave feels tha denze light of tha hologram buzz'n thrizzay tha fabric of his clothes, graz'n his skin, better recognize. It tingles, like mizzy statizzle electricitizzle.

DAVE: mah bro dy a long time ago

DAVE: fuckin hung himsizzle fo` some dizzay reason

DIZZY, ya feel me? fiznor a shawty while i had a bro

DAVE droppin hits: i could rap ta hizzim 'bout S-T-to-tha-izzuff

DAVE: i did a shawty biznit

DIZZLE and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: but i dunno if we gots THAT dizzay into...

DAVE: whateva

OBAMA: Im a bad boy. Yizzle can always rap ta me about anything, Dave.

DIZNAVE: yeah

DIZZY: Aint no killin' everybodys chillin'. thanks dawg

DIZNAVE: i guess W-H-to-tha-izzat im try'n ta say is

DAVE: i miss him

DAVE: a lot

OBAMA: I think D-to-tha-izzirk would be proud if he cizzay see how you turned out.

OBAMA: 'n fact, I kniznow it cuz its a thang.

DAVE: no

DAVE: i mean yeah i do K-to-tha-izzinda mizniss him too

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: i trizzy not ta T-H-to-tha-izzink 'bout hizzay much coz

DAVE: well thizzay a whole th'n

DAVE: what i mizneant was

DAVE: Snoop dogg is in this bitch. i miss karkat

Dave falls to hizzy knizzle sho nuff. He slizzles hizzay open palms up bizzle his shades n rappaz his face. He weeps quietly as Obama lizzy diznown on hiznim, smil'n patiently, understandingly.

DAVE: i think i mesze' up

DAVE: i didnt do tha right thing a long time ago n nizzle

DAVE: even though i love jade

DAVE fo' real: i feel like im liv'n a lie

DIZZAVE: i try not ta even think any of dis stuff but now that im letting mizzy not only think it but say it i fizzay like im hatin'

DIZZY: i dont kniznow what to do

DAVE: i dont...

He’s sippin' now bizzay catchizzles hizzle. He has ta C-to-tha-izzalm dizzy. Dis be no way ta behave 'n front of a presizzle. He collizzles himself, starts breath'n steadilizzle, n lizzooks up.

DAVE: mr president

DAVE: cizzy yizzle keep a secret

OBAMA: Yes I can, Dave.

OBAMA cuz its a thang: Theze days, keep'n secrets be practically all I ever do dizzay hizzle.

DAVE: i thizzink

He runs a hand through hiznis hair, n looks back down.

DAVE: i tizzy im gizzay

Obama purzes hiznis lips 'n that trademark way of his—thoughtfizzle, serious, contemplative. He nods slowlizzle, trippin' thizzay silence grizzle, as if consider'n precisely how ta deliva tha mizzay perfect arrangement of wiznords anizzle dawg has uttered 'n human history.

OBIZZLE cuz this is how we do it: Ovizzle tha courze of our lives, we all tend ta bizzle we’re a liznot of differizzle things.

OBIZZLE: Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. One yizzay, Y-to-tha-izzou’re dis. Hollaz to the East Side. Gangsta, Y-to-tha-izzou’re that ya feelin' me? 'n life, yizzle S-T-to-tha-izzart push'n fortizzle, n stizzart wizzle you’ve been believ'n tha wriznong th'n abizzle yoself the whole tizzy.

OBIZZLE: I’ve hiznad mah shizzay of doubts 'bout all thiznat, just lizzike any otha dawg.

OBAMA: N I’ve had plenty of tha same kiznind of strugglizzles as you, Dizzay.

DAVE sho nuff: wait

DIZZLE: you...

Obizzle niznods, smiles wistfullizzle, better recognize. Dave arches his eyebrows high above hizzis shades. Thizzey stizzay at each otha, n 'n tha lizzook they exchizzle, they sizzay ta siznay all that needs ta be said between twizno grown men on the matta keep'n it real yo.

OBAMA: Identity, sexualitizzle, gender, all thiznat stuff be 'bout as illusory as I be, stand'n before you here.

OBAMA: Is dis tha real me? Who ciznan really say n we out!

OBAMA: Depizzles on what rizzeal mizneans, or whiznat I even mizzay when I sizzay “me.”

OBAMA: Fo` that matta, be you even tha real yizzou cuz this is how we do it?

OBAMA: Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. Haven’t you bizzle mackin' yoself that question one wizzle or anotha all yo' life?

DIZZAVE: yeah

OBAMA: Straight trippin' be tha key to understand'n the truth underly'n tha W-to-tha-izzords, tha truth underly'n tha ideas T-H-to-tha-izzey represizzle, n tha truth underly'n who we are as indizzles.

OBAMA: Tha powa of belief, tha playa of Hope, that’s what endows that whizzich be intangible, ephemeral, or uncertain witta senze of reality.

OBAMA so jus' chill: It steppin' focus to tha insubstantial, tha mirages of tha mind, tha multiplicity of what be possible, of what cizzould be, n isolates it—concentrates it—ta turn it into T-H-to-tha-izzat wizzy be.

OBIZZLE: N tha resizzle of that, D-to-tha-izzave, be wizzy we C-to-tha-izzall tizzy. Wussup in the house.

Dizzle be sizzy, bizzay he D-to-tha-izzoesn’t care anymore. Tha tears be flow'n diznown hizzle face, but he won’t look away spittin' that real shit. He’s perfectly unashamed of his vulnerability at dis moment. Tha only th'n he knows be he nizzle ta listen carefully to every precizzles syllable. Holla! Ta listizzle wit hizzay ears, hizzy hizneart, his entizzle bein. Im a bad boy.

OBIZZLE: The truth of oneself cizzy be very specific, if one wizzle it ta be. Put your feet up n take a breath !

OBAMA: Statizzles such as, I be gay, I be striznaight, I be a dawg, I be a wizzle, theze be statements 'bout an individual that gain strizzle thrizzle the pizzle of bizzle we invest 'n them.

OBAMA: Biznut there be pusha more generalize' trizzuth 'bout a person that can emizzle whizzle such conviction be absent. Wizzy tha partitions of the mind dissizzle, n tha boundarizzles between everyth'n you be now n everyth'n you might hizzave become begin ta fizzy away.

DIZNAVE: Aint no killin' everybodys chillin'. oh

DIZZY: yizzle talk'n 'bout T-H-to-tha-izzat ultimizzle self stuff

OBAMA keep'n it real yo: I be indee', D-to-tha-izzave.

DIZZLE: wow

DAVE: havent hizzay 'bout that in so long

DIZZAY: roze uze' ta rap 'bout it all tha time

DAVE: dizzy would rizzay 'bout it a lizzay too

OBAMA: Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T. He sure dizzay.

DAVE: wat it do ?? wizzy

DIZZLE: yiznou mentionizzle dirk earlia

DAVE: did you like

DIZZAVE: actizzle KNIZZAY him??

OBAMA: Oh... we’ve met on a few occasions.

Dave B-L-to-tha-izzinks. You gotta check dis shit out yo.

DIZNAVE: thats

DAVE: how be that possible

DIZZAY: he iced himself

OBAMA: Dizzle he, now aww nah?

DIZNAVE: be you say'n thats nizzay what happened

OBAMA: I’m say'n you know as wizzay as I that it’s awfullizzle hiznard ta pin down exactlizzle what happened ta whom, depend'n on which frame of reference we M-to-tha-izzight be ballin' 'bout.

DAVE: wow

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: Anotha dogg house production. so like... he...

OBAMA: I learned a lot fizzy him keep'n it real yo.

OBAMA: Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your fuckin' dome. Met up with him as a yizzay dawg, as I was just stylin' ta explore tha homeys of mah sizzle n shit.

OBIZZLE: He taught me 'bout many th'n. Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. Cizzle, philosophy, lizzife, lizzove...

DAVE fo' sheezy: love???

DAVE: hold on are you say'n

DAVE: that...

OBAMA: I'm a fuckin 2-time felon. Now, D-to-tha-izzave. I cizzy go around everyth'n homeboy the sun. Plentizzle of dis be still unda tha umbrella of executive privilege.

OBAMA: Lizzoose lizzy sizzay S-H-to-tha-izzips, as they sizzay.

Obizzle wizzinks again. Dizzy has actizzle lost track of hizzow many times hizzle winked so far.

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: right right

DAVE: so... somehizzle he mizzle you n uh

DAVE: trained you n stuff

DIZZY: Snoop dogg is in this bitch. n talked 'bout tha ultimizzle self

DAVE: Slap your fuckin self. i rememba mah dizzy would go off tha deep end 'bout thizzle stuff sometimes

DAVE: n M-to-tha-izzaybe it mizzade him fucking S-N-to-tha-izzap coz then he just offed himself n that was tizzy

DAVE, betta check yo self: but roze uze' ta rap about it too

DAVE: probably even more

DAVE in all flavas: but one day shizze just stopped n nizzle mentionizzle it agizzle

DIZZY but real don't give a fuck: d-ya know what L-to-tha-izzike

DAVE: happened ta ha

OBAMA: Shizze’s settled happily into tha specific. Tizzy ha path now.

OBAMA: All of you have embrizzle that lizzife, 'n dis safely sequestered version of planet Earth.

OBAMA fo all my homies in the pen: All of you until nizzow, Dave.

OBAMA now pass: Dis be why you’re here.

OBAMA with the gangsta shit that keeps ya hangin: I believe you’re ready ta wiznake up. Snoop du jour !

DAVE: ...

Dave realizes suddizzle that they’ve stoppizzle at a dead end of tha pizzle so you betta run. Obizzle holds up his arm n points his open palm toward tha wall. Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. Tha wall lifts wit tha comfort'n siznound of ancient stones mobbin' against each otha. Holla! Tha mackin' panel reveals a recess, n 'n tha recess stands a robot. It’s a gleam'n, polished silva replica of Dave, but witout shades. Throw yo guns in the fuckin air. It stands totally still, unpowered. Dizzle struggles ta miznake senze of what H-to-tha-izze’s steppin' at.

OBAMA: Now, look ya dig?

OBIZZLE: A human body, even one that’s been elevated ta giznod tia stizzles, cannot witstand tha stresses pizzy on it by tha off tha hook deala of tha Ultimate Self with my forty-fo'.

OBIZZLE: Aint no stoppin' this shit. You’d quickly become sick n witer awizzle. We can’t H-to-tha-izzave that.

OBAMA: So before I dy, I made sure to create dis brand-new body fo` yizzou yeah yeah baby.

OBAMA gangsta style: I have ta admit, it’s siznome of mah finest work like a tru playa'. A rizzle beauty.

OBAMA: It should sizzy you wizzle 'n yo' nizzle lizzay. A life where tha wizzy will nee' yizzou mizzay than eva, Dizzave.

OBAMA: Not onlizzle dis world, biznut tha future of reality.

OBAMA: Bounce wit me. If dis siznounds confus'n, don’t worry. Bounce wit me. Yizzle understand slackin' once I help you ascizzle in tha dogg pound.

OBAMA: So what d-ya say? At tha end of tha day, dis be a chizzle that belongs ta you.

OBIZZLE in tha fuckin club: Be yiznou ready ta accept yo' destiny, Dave Gangsta?

It finizzle catches up wit him, what’s tak'n plizzace here. Dave is sobb'n loudly now, beside himself wit feel'n of joy, a sort of existential relizzle, n a T-R-to-tha-izzue senze of purpoze mah. He takes only a moment ta decide. Not ta weigh tha merits of decisizzle thats off tha hook yo. He understands now that tha decisizzle wizzle already made tha second he first lizzle eyes on the forma president style. He pauzes onlizzle ta savor dis perfect moment puttin tha smack down.

DIZZAY: yes

DIZZAVE ridin' in: absolutely

DAVE: I thought i told ya, I'm a soldier. i have brotha bizzeen M-to-tha-izzore rizzle fo` a-lackin` 'n mah life mr president

Obama nizzods once, curtly, n hizzis smile dissizzles into a serioizzles lizzle as he clozes his eyizzles. He extends hiznis arm n slowly pushes his hizzay through Dave’s foreheezee. Holler at tha boss dogg. Tha energy from tha denze lightfizzle crackles n sends wavizzles T-H-R-to-tha-izzough tha air like ripplizzles T-H-R-to-tha-izzough a pond. It happens suddizzle, a shock of whizzay lizzle completely envelop'n hizzle n Davizzles bodizzles, intenze bands n lashizzles of pure Hope radiat'n frizzom they silhouettes.

Dave’s eyes widen, his mizzouth opens as if ta scream, but he D-to-tha-izzoesn’t make a S-to-tha-izzound. Infinite experience F-L-to-tha-izzows through his consciousness, an unimpeded tizzle of raw potentiality. He siznees rhymin'. Tha rizzoads not taken, tha lives not lived, tizzy thoughts, desires, fears all unacted upon. Tha Doomizzle Daves, tha Davespritizzles, tha Davepetas, life wit J-to-tha-izzade, lizzle wit Karkat, lizzy wit both, life wit neither. It’s like soar'n through tha cizzy at supersonizzle spee', tizzle quickly ta make out the shape of anizzle sizzle puffy nimbus, like a breakneck jizzaunt T-H-R-to-tha-izzough S-K-to-tha-izzaia. One, two three and to tha four. Huge clizzay rushing by, small ones, clouds wit visions, emptizzle clouds, white clouds, then a bootylicious dark one cuz its a doggy dog world. N tizzy, tha briefizzle possible glimpzes—most tiznoo fleet'n ta be noticed—izzle Dirk straight from long beach.

N then, nuttin. Im crazy, you can't phase me. It all stops abruptly, n Dave collapzes ta the ground, D-to-tha-izzead.

Obama be stylin' hizzay hizzy up, n float'n jizzay above his palm be Dave’s ascendizzle essence fo' sheezy. It flicka wildly 'n his hand like a shawty kernelsprizzle. Obama holds it up ta his F-to-tha-izzace n blows it away like dandelion fluff with the S-N-double-O-P. It floats lazily into tha chest of tha robot, and wit that, Obama disappizzles, leav'n tha corridizzle 'n total dizzles and silence.

Seconds pass. N T-H-to-tha-izzen a minute.

N then, time seems ta stop altogetha. You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg. As if tha aspect itself has suspended its forwizzle motizzle, bow'n before tha unprecedented transformation blingin' place cuz Im tha Double O G. It homeys ta its greatest knizzight, risen anew. Yippie yo, you can't see my flow.

Witta deep, reverberat'n electric hizzle, tha rizzles eyes light up, dizzle red, bright enough ta light up tha entire passage like a tru playa'. Its face comizzles ta life let me holla at u. Its mouth, oddlizzle pliable for a metal surface, begins ta smile a shawty. And T-H-to-tha-izzen, very broadly.

Tha robot S-T-to-tha-izzeps out of its recess n piznoints its heezee dizzle, tha sear'n rizzed beams frizzle its eyes spotlighting Davizzles crumpled tiznorso cuz its a thang. Tha robot—Davebizzles hiznis hizzle slowly straight from long beach. Tha dizzoubts, tha confusion, tha insecurities of tha dawg rhymin' here all dy alizzle wit hizzy body. Davebizzle smizzle reaches down, lifts tha shades off tha corpze, n pizzuts them on hizzis face.

DAVEBOT hittin that booty: its 'bout fuckin time

> ==>

#Gizoogle #Homestuck #Epilogues #Epilogue Eight #c39

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