#but this series is eating my bandwidth up
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#heaven official's blessing#cat posting#xie lian#hua cheng#hualian#mxtx tgcf#my foot really does hurt tho#but this series is eating my bandwidth up#and this fuzzy lil sh** is just buzzin away on my shin#i just want my boys to be happy#and answers about jun wu#:D
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don't you worry, there's still time | chef luca x fem!reader, feat. marcus brooks
summary: after losing his mother, marcus searches for joy and stillness in copenhagen. you and luca, who are more than happy to host, decide to take a big next step in your relationship. a oneshot from the world of 'burn your life down.'
warnings: fluff, light angst, grief, death, light smut, second person pov, swearing, danish inaccuracies, off-canon connection to the storyline of the bear.
word count: 5.8k
listen to: the playlist
a/n: wow, i missed this world! who is ready for the reveal of chef's restaurant name?! while i don't think i have the bandwidth to write another full series (nor a linear story to tell) i'm thinking of creating a second part to 'burn your life down' where we just get to drop in and see what they're up to. thoughts??
chef luca masterlist | full masterlist
After a tumultuous holiday season, it doesn’t take long for Sydney to realize that her friend is in need of a little help. A reprieve, she so kindly explained to both Marcus and Carmy when she’d proposed the idea.
It was Sydney this time, who called Luca, knowing that she and Carmy would have to find something to do with Marcus. It wasn’t fair – that he’d lost his mom just before Thanksgiving – and they both agreed that Marcus needed to get out of dodge. Quick to act, Carmy set up a few stages in NYC for a week or so, which, while seemed to inspire Marcus, seemed to only plunge him further into a slump come Christmas.
“I don’t know. I think we gotta send him on some kinda… eat, pray, love trip. The guy can only sulk on my couch for so long before I consider jumping out of the window,” Sydney says, her attempt to lighten the mood with humor still genuine. “It’s getting sad, Carm. Like… real fuckin’ sad.”
“You’re right. Uh… what about Copenhagen?” Carmy pitches with a shrug, because he knows what all consuming grief feels like.
“Again?” she asks, uncertain of whether it’s the best choice that they could make.
“Yeah,” Carmy shrugs in response. “Think he got a lot of it last time. Could be good for him to go back to somewhere familiar… work with Luca again. You don’t think it’s a-?”
“No I do! I just-,” Sydney hesitates, though she knows her business partner makes a good point. “Familiarity will be good for him. To be around people he can trust.”
“You want me to uh-,” Carmy begins to offer, figuring he’ll make the call.
“Probably best if I explain the situation. Just ‘cause, you know, I know more of what’s going on… just send me his info and I’ll call later,” Sydney interjects.
Carmy agrees with a curt nod before adding in:
“Uh… okay yeah. Yeah.”
*
You get plenty of time to prepare for Marcus’ visit, performing all kinds of fancy footwork to arrange a proper visit – a week’s worth of time spent staging and living in Copenhagen. When Luca finds out that the prolific houseboat, a chef retreat of sorts that’s always been an option for lodging, is booked for the week and a half that Marcus plans on visiting, you offer up your place without hesitation.
The arrangement goes as follows: while Marcus stays at yours at no cost, you’ll stay with Luca for the duration of the time.
This is how you find yourself at the massive Ikea on Dybbølsbro on a Saturday morning with Luca, in search of a set of fresh bed linens intended for guests.
“I really should host more. And Astrid said she and Lina were planning a trip out here so… why not kill two birds with one stone?” you’d reasoned to your boyfriend, making a strong case for why you and Luca should make this little shopping trip.
“What do you think of the blue?” Luca asks you, as you run your hand over a set of the display sheets, checking for softness.
“Don’t know if the blue is what I’m going for. I was thinking of something warmer. Maybe a yellow or… I don’t know. I’ve kind of been into that trendy rust color as of late,” you reply with a shrug, moving onto the warmer colors.
Luca chuckles and with a small shake of his head, he clarifies his previous questions with:
“No, I meant for me.”
“What do you mean?” you ask him curiously, his comment pulling all of your focus as you search his face for answers. “You just got new bedding.”
And expensive ones too.
But as your eyes follow his gaze, you realize that he’s not talking about sheets, focused on the XL Twin-sized duvets just above where the sheets messily fall along the shelf.
“I was thinking…” Luca trails off, checking in with you before he continues, with “... maybe it’s time I get two duvets… you know… for us.” He takes a beat, and a step towards you, and you know you’ll never stand a chance against his boyish charm as one side of his mouth turns up into a smile.
You’re no stranger to the Scandinavian duvet method – two twin duvets for one king sized bed – but it sounds like Luca’s suggestion is about way more than buying an extra duvet on this trip.
“I want you to feel at home… at my place."
“I do,” you reply, almost instantly, a warmth spreading through your belly as you take a step towards him.
“But I mean really… feel like it’s your home. Because it is. It could be. You know… if you want it to be,” Luca continues, this time with more insistence, a look of hopefulness in his deep blue eyes.
“Are you… are you asking me to move in with you?” you manage to get out, your heart skipping a beat.
“Why not? We could use this week to try it out,” he suggests so casually that you practically have to do a double take. “See how it goes while Marcus stays at your place?”
“Yeah I-... that sounds like a good plan, yeah,” you stammer out, the grin on your face undeniable as you nod enthusiastically in the middle of a goddamn furniture store.
“Besides,” Luca says, clearing his throat as his tone changes to one that’s much more playful. “You’re an absolute blanket hog and a repeat offender at that.” Luca winks your way as you roll your eyes with a laugh in response. “This could prevent some of our silly little quarrels, don’t you think, love?”
“Uh huh,” you sound, your face skeptical as you look his way again. “Preventative measures. Sure, babe.”
Luca chuckles before leaning down to press a chaste kiss to your lips, right then and there, in the Ikea bed linen section, the place you’ll now forever think of as the place your boyfriend asked you to move in with him.
Connection
When Marcus arrives in Copenhagen, you’ve arranged your home with the most comfort in mind, having already packed a week’s worth of things and left for Luca’s. You can only imagine what he must be going through, deciding that something like that – losing your mother – though inevitable, is your goddamn worst nightmare.
“Marcus,
Enjoy your stay and please reach out if you need anything. I can’t wait to meet you!”
…is the note that you leave him, along with a few morning pastries you picked up from your favorite baggeri across the street, and your number scribbled down at the bottom of the notepad.
As Marcus arrives, his eyes drawn immediately to your note and gift, Marcus smiles to himself, noticing that you left a very nice looking bottle of wine on the counter as well. He’s moved by your generosity, considering you’ve never met, and the fact that you’re willing to take so much care, extend this much kindness to a stranger, causes a wave of softness to wash over him.
Maybe, just maybe, he can find softness again – the last few months riddled with pain, grief, and numbness to get through the days.
While he came here to work, encouraged by his friends that a change of scenery may do his broken heart some good, it’s the first time Marcus has had a chance to be still. His feelings of grief sit heavier here and it catches him off guard, uncertain that he’s quite ready to sit with them yet. He pushes aside the thought, focusing on exploring your home and unpacking his bags. Marcus knows how to stay busy – he’s become an expert at it by now – reminding himself that he’s got work at 5 am sharp tomorrow.
*
“A little too much, chef. Take it down by about 15 grams,” Luca directs, his voice even and sure as he inspects the balls of dough that Marcus currently shapes.
“Yes, chef,” Marcus nods in understanding, plopping the ball of dough back on the scale to adjust the measurement.
The two of them work like this for the rest of the morning, Luca treading carefully while keeping things professional, while Marcus buries himself in the work – something that feels good, safe, right.
He’s missed this. While Marcus has one chef he works with directly at the restaurant, he’s the expert – the head patissier. He misses being surrounded by excellence, getting to be a student of someone who is just as driven, if not more, and inspired. It’s good, quiet, calm, yet there’s a focus and intensity in Luca’s kitchen that feels like a breath of fresh air.
His stage trip to New York has been more of a mess than beneficial. Maybe it had been the chaos of the city, or the chaos of the chefs he was working with. Maybe it was the fact that Marcus, though hungry for a distraction, hadn’t quite been ready to walk directly into the line of fire yet.
As Marcus’ practiced hands move with the dough, there’s a newfound confidence in the way that he works that's not lost on Luca. Luca watches his friend carefully, pride swelling in his chest as his mentee makes the adjustment with ease and diligence.
“Can I join you?” Luca asks, gesturing towards Marcus' workstation.
“‘Course, chef,” Marcus replies, his response short yet reverent.
As Luca joins him, finding a space to the right of Marcus, he busies his hands with rolling each perfectly measured ball of dough into mini boules, ready to proof. The two of them work quietly, side by side, the air between them heavy with words unsaid. He can feel it – the weight that lays so heavily on Marcus' heart – but Luca doesn’t want to bring it up, uninterested in forcing the conversation. Especially about something so painful, something he knows that Marcus has barely begun working through.
“Thanks, again. For uh… you know… letting me come work,” Marcus begins, momentarily checking in with Luca to gauge a reaction.
“‘Course,” Luca replies, his answer instantaneous. “You’re welcome here any time, mate.”
“Yeah?” Marcus asks, stealing a glance in Luca’s direction.
“Yeah,” Luca responds with a certain nod.
“And uh… shit. I can’t thank your girlfriend enough for letting me crash at her place,” Marcus adds, as he works through his discomfort and overwhelm from the wave of feelings that begin to bubble up in his chest.
“You can thank her yourself on Saturday,” Luca brings up, excited over the fact that Marcus will not only be meeting his girlfriend, but staging at her restaurant too. “She’s really looking forward to meeting you.”
Marcus nods slowly, his hands the only steady thing about him as he continues to focus on his work.
“I just mean-, well, she didn’t have to-. ‘S not like either of you owed it to me or anything and I-. You guys just really came through…” Marcus trails off, wanting to make his gratitude clear. It means more to him that he can articulate so instead he settles for, “So thank you. Again.”
Luca shrugs with an aplomb about him as he returns with, “We got you, mate.” He pauses before continuing, fully aware that Marcus isn’t quite comfortable with the feelings that have presented themself in this moment. “And the way I see it, I wouldn’t have met her if it weren’t for you – for our conversation the last time you were here – so we really do owe you for it.”
This time Luca makes an effort to check in with Marcus, gauging his emotional capacity as he concludes with:
“But that’s not what any of this is about: debts, who owes who what. We were both more than happy to host you. That’s what mates are for.”
It’s not till the end of the next shift that it hits him, and Marcus finds himself sitting outside of the restaurant on a bench across the street. He’s not sure whether it’s the jet lag or the exhaustion of the 5 am start time in another time zone, but it hits him all at once, like a ton of bricks. Suddenly consumed with the feelings that he’s been trying his best to avoid, all he can do is pause, completely caught off guard by the strength of them.
Quietly, Luca joins him, having spotted him on his way home, rerouting himself in Marcus’ direction instead.
All he can think of are the words you’ve asked him, and he you, time and time again – the ones that cut right to the core of you each and every time – that show you how much he cares.
“How’s your heart?” Luca asks Marcus, after a few minutes of sitting on the bench together in silence.
And how is his heart?
He’s not sure how to answer, considering it’s been a while since he’s really had a chance to check in, the crippling reality of this great loss is too much to bear alone.
His heart is broken, shattered into an infinite amount of pieces.
He, and his heart will never be the same again and he doesn’t know where or how he’ll ever put it back together.
His heart is… lost, in desperate need of finding a soft place to land.
Marcus takes a while to answer, racking his brain for any semblance of a cohesive answer.
He waits. And then he waits.
Until finally, he can answer.
“I uh… don’t know. But I’m hoping this trip will help me figure that out.”
Creativity
“do you remember the 21st night of september? love was changin' the minds of pretenders while chasin' the clouds away.” (earth, wind, and fire.)
Everything about the way you run your kitchen feels different than what he’s used to.
It’s sure as hell different from his last stage trip to New York, Marcus thinks to himself.
With Carmy and Syd, working with them, there’s a buzz of chaos that runs underneath even the most organized and efficient service. It’s something integral to what they have, gives an edge to The Bear that seems to make it hum in all the right ways. Even with Luca, who comes from fine dining and Michelin-starred restaurants, there’s a quiet and determined focus – an intensity to his work – even without the undercurrent of chaos.
But this. But you.
Your kitchen somehow teeters the line of organized chaos and reckless play so well that Marcus understands why this works – why it’s efficient.
Still, he watches as you and your staff dance – no, literally dance – around each other to the highly recognizable Earth, Wind, and Fire tune. Mathilde sings along while chopping chives for the brothy mushroom grain bowl, while, mid-phrase, manages to yell out a short command to a line cook in Danish. Out of the corner of his eye, Marcus catches Jesper working the dining room, while you finish plating two more dishes, ready to be walked out.
It’s as if you find focus in the center of all the noise, somewhere between the electric energy between you, Mathilde, and your staff, and the feel-good vibes and homeyness of the restaurant that you’ve created.
You had been more than welcoming when Marcus had walked through the doors of your restaurant, Kokuore, mere hours ago. You’d given him the tour, shown him which station he’d be working this evening, then warmly introduced him to your entire team before family meal started. Marcus can’t stop moving, too afraid to be still in fear of falling apart in the presence of how comforting you’ve been.
And this? Your kitchen. It’s all joy, connection, and artistry.
It’s not hard for him to see why Luca fell in love with you.
“Marcus, feel free to take a break,” he hears you say, as you nod towards the dining room through the open kitchen.
As Marcus follows your gesture, he notices that Luca’s arrived, remembering something about a standing Saturday date.
“You sure, chef?” Marcus asks, looking to you for approval.
“Positive,” you nod, reassuringly.
Marcus nods in return to confirm, before taking his apron off and making his way over to the dining room where Luca is exchanging a few words with Jesper.
“Wassup, chef,” he greets his mentor.
“You know, you can call me Luca,” Luca reminds him with a crooked smile. “At least when we’re off the clock.”
Marcus chuckles, “Uh… yeah alright. That’s gonna take some getting used to.”
Luca chuckles in return, before Jesper shows them to his table, mentioning something about Americans being so afraid of fluidity.
“She’s brilliant isn’t she?” Luca asks, in reference to you as his eyes catch yours from across the room.
“Nah for real. Like… mad scientist vibes,” Marcus concurs with a smile. “She can throw down for sure.” He pauses as they sit down at Luca’s table. “So you come every Saturday night, huh?”
“When I can, yeah, which is… most Saturdays,” Luca replies honestly, before beginning to list why he’s kept up this routine. “But it’s nice. Keeps me inspired. I get to see my girl, walk her home at night which makes me feel better.” Luca leans back in his chair this time, crossing his arms over his chest. “And I never mind helping close down at the end of the night.”
Marcus hums in response before one of the waitstaff comes to their table, with a glass of wine in hand, on the house. They chat for a little longer before Marcus returns to the kitchen, his excitement for what you’re doing here filling him to the brim.
As dinner service comes to an end, Marcus can’t help but notice the chemistry and how unique it is as you all work together in perfect harmony. There’s a warmth to it, something different, and he begins to understand why the name of the restaurant comes from the word, heart.
Luca is quick to get up from his table, quickly finishing his glass of wine as he offers to help close down. The music volume goes from underscoring the buzz of a busy night of service, to the main attraction, as a motown throwbacks playlist begins to blare from the speakers. You all work quickly and efficiently, eager to close down, get home, and begin your weekends, but it’s when an old Otis Redding track that Luca decides to put a pause on the progress.
“Dance with me, my love,” he says, offering his hand out to you as a huge gesture that earns a few looks and giggles from some of your staff.
“Luca,” you begin to protest, looking around.
“You can take three minutes,” he offers, exchanging a look with you this time.
You nod, taking his hand as you agree with, “Okay.”
And as Luca wraps you up in his arms, engaging you in a slow dance to Otis Redding’s “That’s How Strong my Love is,” you chuckle, relaxing into him.
“Oh, get a room, you two!” Jesper calls out after you, teasingly.
“She pretends – always puts up a fight – as if they don’t do this every single week,” Mathilde adds, as an explanation to Marcus.
“Every week?” Marcus asks, a little surprised by both you and Luca’s willingness to pause and revel in a moment with each other, instead of just pushing through.
“Yeah. Romantics, they are,” Jesper chimes in.
Marcus smiles to himself. It’s a reminder of slowness – something he hasn’t let himself experience in a long time – and for just a moment, he lets himself settle into the feeling.
*
You don’t even mind that you woke up an hour before your alarm the moment you feel Luca’s arms wrapped around you, and his lips against your soft skin. The low rumble of his voice resonates across your shoulders, sending chills down your spine as you arch into his hands, his arms wrapped around you.
“I know we’re only a few days in… of our little trial,” Luca begins, the bass of his voice reverberating through your shoulder blade.
“Our living together trial?” you clarify with your ask, letting out a gasp as he nibbles on your shoulder gently.
“Yeah. Just wonderin’ where your mind’s at,” Luca murmurs, his eager hands beginning to explore underneath the oversized shirt you put on before bed last night.
“Well… I really like this,” you reply, the sound that comes out of your mouth somewhere between a giggle and a moan.
“Hmmmm?” Luca sounds, innocently.
“This… Waking up to you thing.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Mhm.”
Luca’s name escapes your lips as his fingers gently begin to play with your nipples, his erection hard against your back as you begin to grind your hips back against.
“And the access to round the clock sex is really a bonus,” you sigh, blissfully.
“Oh yeah?” he asks you again, a large tatted hand slipping between your legs.
“Yeah… I’d even be… interested in leaning into that part… right now,” you hiss in reply to his touch. “Considering you’re distracting me with sex.”
“Hmmmmm. ‘S not just it, love. Have I told you how grateful I am for what you’ve done for Marcus?” Luca asks, his mouth back on your neck. He presses your body against him, your back to his chest as he rocks his hips against yours.
“Luca!” you protest, unable to focus on the conversation.
“It’s your kindness. Your heart… I’m in awe of it,” he continues to praise you as the two of you begin to set a rhythm between your bodies.
It’s all heat, and soft sighs of pleasure, and foreplay.
“Well, I know a little something about what he’s going through,” you answer breathlessly. You begin to impatiently push the hem of your shirt higher so that you can give Luca more access to your body.
“That’s why I love you,” Luca murmurs into your skin, his hands all over you, his focus unbroken and your mind beginning to go blank. His hands are tearing your shirt over your head as he continues to praise you. “Your heart, the way you share it.”
“You helped me get there, baby,” you gasp, turning your head so that you can kiss your boyfriend.
Instead of answering, Luca nods knowingly, before crashing his lips into yours. His mouth on yours feels like heaven, and you can’t believe that you ever fought your feelings for him.
“Ah fuck it. Let’s do it. Let’s move in together,” you surrender to him, lost in the moment.
“Yeah?” Luca pauses, pulling away, as if almost can’t believe what he’s hearing.
“Yeah. I mean it, baby,” you nod, catching his gaze, certain in the way you answer. “I wanna wake up to you every morning.”
“Me too, my love,” Luca grins, before pressing his lips to yours again. “Now will you please let me fuck you, darling?”
“Fuck yes.”
Luca spends the next hour showing you just how grateful he is for you, while you in return, spend the next hour showing him just how sure you are about this decision.
And you are sure. If mornings like this are a constant for the rest of your life, you think you’ll die a happy woman.
You’ve found a home in him, and he, you. He’s the person you want to come home to at the end of the day. He’s the man that puts a smile on your face every single time he gets on his soapbox about how Beyonce is the performer of your lifetimes, and he is unequivocally the best, most unexpected thing in your life.
Luca Davies, in almost a year of knowing him, and eight months of getting to love him, has somehow become your favorite person.
By the time you and Luca are both showered and decent-for-company, you’ve begun your mise en place for brunch, completely content with the fact that you’re running a little behind schedule (and in all fairness, the sex was worth it – it’s always worth it). The smell of bacon sizzling away on your carbon steel fry pan fills the entire apartment, and you’re glad that Luca opened a window earlier. It’s not exactly window weather yet, but the air ventilation is a must when it comes to smoked meats.
While you play catch up with your brunch plan, Luca’s busy welcoming Marcus in, pouring him a cup of coffee using the extensive ten-step pour over he’s been fixated on ever since he purchased it, while they chat here and there about what else he’s explored in Denmark.
“Been too busy working, to be honest but… I don’t know. I might wander around today… see what kind of stuff I can get into,” Marcus answers frankly with a shrug.
“Ah, mate. We just had a walk at the Frederiksberg Gardens. Definitely something I’d recommend checking out,” Luca suggests, his eyes lighting up with excitement as he mentions it.
Luca continues moving through his list of recommendations, Marcus chiming in with places and things he did the last time he was here, excited to spend a few days exploring the city instead of just working.
“Wanderin’ around. I dunno. There’s something about it. ‘S good for the spirit, you know?” Luca concludes.
“Yeah,” Marcus nods in agreement, before turning his attention over to the French toast you’re working on. “Okay, I see you. What is that? Mascarpone?”
“Yeah, good eye. It’s just something new I’m working on: a mascarpone stuffed french toast. We’re actually talking about extending our hours… maybe doing weekend brunch,” you answer thoroughly, as you dip the stuffed pieces of bread into their egg batter, pre-cook.
“For real? That’s sick,” Marcus compliments, watching you carefully. “I mean… shit. You could have a whole brunch spot.”
“What do you mean?” you ask, looking up from your cutting board.
“A Brunch spot,” Marcus repeats, simply, the excitement in his eyes at the new idea, evident. “Yeah, you know. Luca could do the morning pastries. You work your magic on the rest of the menu.”
“That’s a novel idea! What do you think, my love?” Luca asks, intrigue in his voice as he searches your face for a reaction.
“I-,” you begin, looking from Luca to Marcus, then back to Luca again. “I… never thought about it like that.” You take a beat, eyeing Luca carefully. “We’ve never talked about going into business together.”
Marcus shrugs, before picking up his coffee mug, “Yo, it’s just a thought. I think you two would be unstoppable together.”
“Unstoppable, eh?” Luca asks, his eyes locked with yours.
You only hum in response, raising a quirked eyebrow in Luca’s direction before adding:
“It’s certainly one hell of an idea, Marcus.”
Kokuore
Monday afternoon, you find yourself at your restaurant with Marcus Brooks, on a day off.
“I might need a little extra help with something tomorrow. We’re closed tomorrow, but I want to get ahead on this special I’m working on. Could use the help of a pastry chef. What do you say?” you’d proposed to him, over one more espresso before he left.
To Luca’s dismay, (“ you silly Americans just can’t enjoy a day of doing nothing,” he’d teased the two of you) Marcus had given you an unwavering yes, reassuring you that he was down to learn everything he possibly could from you, especially while he was here.
And it’s true. You do need the help. But should he want someone to talk to – someone who gets it, even just a little bit – you want to offer him the space and the opportunity to do so.
“As a patissier, do you get tasked with pasta? At The Bear?” you ask Marcus, as you pleat a dumpling in hand with a speed that only comes with practice.
“Nah,” Marcus sounds, his focus on the dumpling he’s pleating too. His concentration on getting the pleats right is reverent and unbroken, even as he answers your question. “Our head chef, Carmy, he uh… he comes from an Italian American family so when we’ve done a stuffed pasta… he usually takes the lead on that.”
You nod in understanding, placing the dumpling you’ve just finished down on the full-sized sheet pan. The two of you sit across from each other, having pushed a few dining tables together as a makeshift workstation.
“Think Luca’ll take over this kinda stuff when you guys open a restaurant together?” Marcus asks, lightheartedly pushing his agenda from yesterday.
You laugh in response, your hands working quickly on yet another dumpling.
“For someone with no skin in the game, you’re really insistent on this idea,” you tease him in return.
“Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it,” Marcus pushes right back, his tone still light.
“I…” you sigh, trailing off as you pause your work for a moment. “You know, we just said we’d move in together. That and a restaurant? Feels fast.”
“Oh shit.”
“Yeah.”
“Like… a few hours before you came over for brunch,” you elaborate, earning a whistle from Marcus. The two of you exchange a look, and a laugh, as you pick up another dumpling wrapper that you and Marcus rolled out together earlier.
“It’s a good idea though,” you add, stealing a glance his way so that he knows that you’re serious.
“Well, when you two inevitably do open a restaurant… I want ten percent,” Marcus jokes, earning another laugh from you.
“Deal,” you agree with him.
You and Marcus work like this, exchanging a few words, the conversation light, underscored by a softer acoustic soundtrack from one of your Spotify radio stations.
“So how’d you learn to cook like this?” Marcus asks you curiously.
“Uh…” you hesitate, treading carefully as you realize this conversation could open a can of worms.
“I don’t know how much Luca’s told you about me… but I was married… before him,” you begin, cautiously. “And… well, I learned a lot of this… a lot of traditional Japanese cooking from my mother-in-law.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. These are her dumplings actually – her recipe. She passed away last Fall and… well, it was important to me to celebrate her – to celebrate her life – by creating a few dishes for her,” you continue, and it’s as if all of the air has been sucked out of the room. “We’re bringing this one back as a special this month but um… yeah. I’m… still very much grieving and… it helps me remember her. Cooking her food helps me feel close to her, you know?”
“Yeah,” Marcus sighs, his heart heavy as he exhales.
He waits a beat.
And then another, having paused his work as he watches you pleat, head down, with expert hands.
The silence between you and Marcus is full, heavy, connected by shared experience. You wait for Marcus to say something, and when he doesn’t, you decide to continue.
“This restaurant… has so much of my heart in it: it’s got my love for Italian food from growing up in my best friend’s family’s restaurant, and it’s got my love for her – for Aiko – and everything she taught me,” you begin to explain. “And lately… it’s got a fresh perspective… inspired by the love I have with Luca, I think. Well, I know. Inspired by him… how this place brought us together.”
“The name itself is… totally made up, but means a lot to me. The Japanese word for heart is, kokoro, and the Italian word for heart is, cuore. Somehow an homage to my past… and was… Prophetic in so many ways too.”
As Marcus listens, Luca’s previous question lingers in his head:
How’s your heart?
At the time he didn’t know how to answer, and after five days in Copenhagen – after five days of doing what he loves in a place that he loves – his heart is somehow so full, yet so broken all at once. He’s filled with deep sorrow and with the spark of creativity all at the same time, and he’s just not sure how to hold all of this feeling inside of him.
Marcus waits a beat, opens his mouth, then lets the words fall out.
“It’s evident. In your food,” is all he manages to say. “It’s got soul. It’s got heart. I-, it’s inspiring. That’s for sure.”
“I made a dish. For Michael,” Marcus adds, his eyes on the dumpling he works on, but the guard on his heart beginning to fall away. “He was uh… well, he was the old owner of the restaurant, called The Beef back then. Carmy took over after he died. Felt right to honor him and his life, you know? When we reopened as The Bear.”
“Food is… it’s our art, you know?” you agree. “Sometimes it’s the only way I know how to express myself and… sometimes it’s just the thing that makes sense.”
“Yeah.”
A beat.
“Maybe one day I can make one for my mom,” Marcus says, his voice stuck in his throat as he admits, “I don’t know if I’m ready yet. But I think… I think I’d like to eventually.”
“Of course,” you reassure him gently. “You don’t have to be ready now. You don’t have to be ready ever. But when you are, your art will always be there.”
“Thanks,” Marcus nods solemnly.
You get up this time, realizing the sheet pan is full, and ready to be placed on the baker’s rack. As you return to the table with a new empty sheet pan, lined with parchment paper, Marcus finally asks you, his eyes soft, the heartbreak in them present.
“How’d you get through? You know. Losing her? Your mother-in-law?”
You return to your chair with a heavy sigh.
“I’ll let you know when I do,” you answer, letting up a soft chuckle. “It helps to have good people and… from what Luca’s told me, you do. But… I had to let ‘em in, let ‘em help me. Let ‘em love me. And in all honesty, most days I’m still just… taking it day by day.”
“Yeah, I-. I do. I got some really good people. Back home,” Marcus drags out slowly.
“Then that’s all that matters. Your people and your heart. The rest… you just-,” you start.
“Take day by day?” Marcus interjects, pausing to catch your eyes.
You and Marcus exchange a knowing look, the recognition of each others’ pain is met with empathy.
“Yeah. I think that's all we can do.”
By the end of your work session with Marcus, you’re ready to head home so that you can spend the rest of the day with Luca.
“What’re you gonna do with the rest of your day?” you ask Marcus, curiously.
With a sigh, and then a shrug, and a heart that feels just a little lighter, he answers with:
“Think I might wander around a bit. Someone once told me it’s good for the spirit.”
#chef luca#will poulter#luca the bear#the bear season 2#the bear headcanon#luca x reader#the bear hulu#the bear fx#the bear fanfiction#chef luca x reader#pastry chef luca#burn your life down
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a lot of my fallout 76 knowledge comes from you, and on the surface I know the way you interact with 76 is far from the norm. but I took a glance at some facebook comments the other day on a post about Vault-Tec from the official Fallout page, and seeing normie fans talk about how "most of the vaults are evil, but Vault 76 had the most important mission ever assigned" gave me juxtapositional whiplash. like I know that's probably how it's normally played but it almost feels like they're eating up the propaganda
i dont have the bandwidth to fully dive into the topic rn but it's a deeply and disgustingly colonial game. it is just so big and varied (and painted-over), with a possibility space so wide, that i was able to derive my own sense of meaning from it as a piece of art. the process gave me the space to appreciate what some of the artists were trying to express in the margins during its convoluted runaway development process. in some ways it has been a profound privilege to participate in this game so deeply. in some ways i think it is irredeemable.
unfortunately Fallout is irreplaceable to me and i go wherever it goes. so at each stop, i try to tidy a space for myself and people who share my values. my goal is to make the art and inspiration and profundity throughout Fallout accessible to people who find that the setting inspires their imagination.
the setting is highly reclaimable by nature because it is about finding beauty and redemption in the rubble of america. i'm comfortable finding beauty and redemption in the rubble of Fallout, and other people are interested in that too.
the series has always emphasized player expression. and i truly feel like the most profound theme of Fallout 76 as a work of art is that Fallout is a broken fiction that can never be fixed, and it exists to spark your creativity, not limit it
how's that old saying go
"It's like... Did you ever try to put a broken piece of glass together? Even if the pieces fit, you can't make it whole again the way it was. But if you're clever, you can still use the pieces to make other useful things. Maybe something wonderful, like a mosaic. Well, the world broke like glass, and everyone's trying to put it back together like it was, but it'll never come together the same way."
or something like that
in other words please never mistake my capacity to enjoy fallout 76 for evidence that fallout 76 is good
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American Girl Chapter 3: Confessions
Series: American Girl
Fandom: The Royal Romance
Pairings: Riley x Drake
Rating: M
Warnings for this chapter: Mature themes, language
Word Count: 1,848
My other stuff: Master List.
“Where did you park?” Drake asked as they made their way into the parking lot.
“This way,” she pointed and tried to change direction.
“No,” he guided her back the other way, “We’re going to my truck first, then you’re going to wait in it while it warms up and I’ll go move your car.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s cold out here,” he told her as he unlocked the passenger side door of his beat-up Ford Ranger and opened it for her.
He climbed into the driver’s seat and started the engine. After ensuring the heater was on and turned up, he held out his hand, “Give me your keys. Do you need anything out of it?”
“Yes, please,” she fished the keys out of her purse and handed them to him, “If you could grab the duffle bag out of the backseat, that would be great.”
“Okay, cool. Be right back!”
She watched as he jumped out of the cab of the truck and jogged across the lot to her little blue Chevy Cavalier, her mind spinning with the day’s revelations.
Drake wanted a relationship with her? A real one?
That was news to her.
She wasn’t sure how she felt about it.
If it were their sophomore year of high school, her fifteen-year-old self would be over the moon, but after a year of unrequited pining on her part, she had moved on.
By the time Drake and Kiara had broken up, she had been with Liam. His best friend.
And she had been in love with Liam, she had lost her virginity to him, and she was still struggling with her residual feelings for him.
But she’d be lying if she said she didn’t harbor some sort of feelings for Drake too.
Always had.
She didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with it at the moment though.
Whatever was between them had to stay in the realm of future possibility for the time being. She had more pressing things going on.
But she couldn’t deny the tug on her heart as she watched him walk back to the truck.
He tossed her bag in the bed before climbing in the cab and handing her back her keys, “Do you mind if we stop at my place first? I need a shower, and we can drop your bag off so it’s not sitting in the cold while we eat.”
“Sounds good,” she answered, “just pull around on the side you can’t see from my house.”
“Of course,” he grinned at her as he threw the truck into gear and pulled out of the parking spot, “who do you think you’re dealing with here? I’m the world champ at sneaking in and out of houses!”
It was true, throughout their entire high school career, Drake had never been caught by his parents or the parents of the girls whose windows he climbed in and out of.
“Oh, I remember,” she rolled her eyes, “It’s part of why everyone called you Drake the snake, your ability to slither in and out of places undetected by parents.”
“Part of it?” He sounded surprised, “What was the other part?”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, seriously!”
Her mouth fell open, “You really don’t know?”
“Know what? Just tell me!”
She scoffed loudly, “You were a known fuckboy, Drake.”
He cut his eyes sidewise at her, “I’m not a fuckboy, Riley.”
“Yes, you are!”
“Do you even know that term means?”
“It means a promiscuous guy.”
“No, if that were all it meant, I’d own that. It means a guy that doesn’t respect women and lies and misleads them for sex. I’ve never done that to anyone. If I want casual, I’m upfront about it.”
“How do you know all that?”
“I looked it up after you called me that the night of junior prom,” he said tightly.
Riley jolted in surprise, “Why?”
He shrugged, “I wanted to know what it meant.”
It had hurt his feelings.
“I don’t know. I think most people just use it to mean promiscuous. You’ve dated a lot of girls, Drake…. a lot!”
He had, in fact, worked his way through half of the girls in their graduating class as well as the one above and below them.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean-“
“You went through them pretty fast, too.”
“I dated Kiara for a year and a half!” he protested.
“More like a year and two months,” she corrected him.
A gloating smile spread across his face, “You were paying attention to the length of my relationships?”
She ignored his obvious pleasure at the revelation as she rolled her eyes, “Relationships? Plural? Other than Kiara, you just had flings and hookups.”
“You know she broke up with me because of you, right?”
“No! What? Why? What did I do?”
“It was nothing you did,” he assured her, “it was me.”
“I don’t understand…”
“Remember the night that shit happened with Tariq?”
She shuddered at the memory as she wrapped her arms around herself, “How could I forget?”
He hadn’t wanted to take no for an answer. He had gotten handsy and pushy.
After slapping the dog shit out of him, and kneeing him in the balls, she’d called Drake to pick her up from the party she’d been attending.
“Yeah, well, we were about to walk into a formal dinner for her grandparent’s fiftieth wedding anniversary. She was not happy that I bailed on her.”
Riley’s eyes went wide, “Holy shit! I’m so sorry, I had no idea!”
“How could you have?” He shrugged as he slid a quick glance at her before returning his attention to the road, “Like I said, it wasn’t your fault, it was mine.”
“That’s why you were wearing a suit that night!” she laughed, then confusion washed over her, “But why was she mad? I mean, I get that it was a big night, but surely she could understand that it was an emergency.”
“She did understand that, Riley, but she said you could have called someone else, like a parent, or your brother, or your best friend.”
Shock coursed through her, “I…guess I could have….”
It had never occurred to her to call anyone else.
“It’s okay, I’m glad you called me.”
“Tariq wasn’t.”
Drake had taken her home that night, but after hearing the full story of what had transpired, had gone back and beaten the crap out of him.
“Yeah, well, he fucking deserved it!” Drake shifted gears as he braked at a four-way stop.
“I’m not arguing that point. You’re just lucky he didn’t press charges.”
“I know that wasn’t luck, Riley,” he said softly, shooting her a meaningful look before pulling through the intersection and taking a right hand turn.
Riley had threatened to press charges of her own, and an agreement to drop the whole thing on both sides had been reached.
But she had told every girl in school not to trust him.
“I still can’t believe she broke up with you just for that!”
Drake didn’t bother to tell her that it wasn’t just that. The night with Tariq had merely been the straw that had broken the proverbial camel’s back.
Every time Riley had needed him, he had gone. If there was a conflict between being there for her, or for his girlfriend, he had always chosen her.
It was why he stopped trying to have relationships after that.
What he said out loud was, “Yeah, well, we weren’t that compatible anyway.”
“Wait…I don’t remember ya’ll breaking up then, it was like two weeks later or something.”
“She took her time doing it, but when she dumped me, her chief complaint was that I never put her first. Apparently, her grandparents asked where I was that night and she was embarrassed.”
Kiara had waited two weeks after the night in question to break up with him.
One week after that night, Riley had started dating Liam.
He’d wondered a million times what would have happened if Kiara had dumped him that night.
Maybe he would have had a chance with Riley then, but once she’d started dating Liam that had been that.
“She wasn’t good enough for you anyway,” Riley told him.
He laughed, “You say that about everyone.”
“Well, it’s true! And you must know it because you never even tried to get serious with any of them. Other than her.”
“Yeah, well-“
“That’s why I said you were a fuckboy! Because you went through so many girls!”
She had hated the girl he’d taken to junior prom. Or, more to the point, she’d hated the way the girl had hung all over him. Like she owned him or something.
“There’s a reason for that-“
“Other than you being a fuckboy?”
“Yes…”
“Okay, what was the reason?”
“None of them were you,” he said softly as he pulled into his driveway.
“What?” The bottom fell out of her stomach.
He pulled onto the hard-packed dirt next to the house, threw the truck in park, and turned to face her, “Kiara wasn’t wrong. I didn’t put her first.”
“No, that’s not true, you did-“
He ran a hand down the side of her face as his eyes searched hers, “No, I didn’t. I put you first, every time, and I always will. It makes me a bad boyfriend for anyone else and I don’t hurt people on purpose.”
“Drake…”
He dropped his hand from her face and looked away, “I’m not a fuckboy, Riley.”
“Okay,” she nodded, at a complete loss for anything coherent to say.
He glanced at her then away again, hands fidgeting with the steering wheel as he asked, “Is that why you don’t take me seriously?”
“I take you seriously!” she protested.
“As a friend, yes, that’s not in question. But you don’t look at me the way you look at Liam, do you? Like someone you could have a future with?”
“I….I never thought of you that way because I didn’t think you thought of me that way!” she struggled to keep her tears at bay.
He nodded as he turned off the truck, “Well I do. I know this isn’t the time for it. I don’t want to add any pressure or stress to your life, but…think about it, okay?”
“About what…exactly?”
“A future, with me. I know you have stuff you still want to do out there,” he gestured toward the whole world, “but I’ll be right here, Riley, waiting.”
She opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out.
“It’s okay,” he told her, “You don’t have to say anything right now. I just wanted you to know how I feel. Come on, let’s get inside while there’s no one around to see you here.”
He hopped out of the cab and grabbed her bag from the back.
She followed him quickly through the door that went directly to his bedroom.
Relief rushed into her when he closed the door to the attached bathroom and started the shower.
She collapsed onto his bed and let the tears of grief and confusion pour out of her.
#american girl#trr au#college au#non royal#choices fic writers creations#cfwc fics of the week#angelasscribbles#the royal romance#drake walker#riley brooks
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Spooky Jake Autumn is coming
So I have decided to make a list of fics I think will help people get into the Mood of the season. I'm already seeing some exciting stuff, and I am here to hype the shit out of this.
THESE ARE IN NO ORDER, just the order I remember them in!
Bacchanalian Hangovers, by @thedoublepp
Jake English, dizzy and downtrodden, follows a god into the wildwood.
My dear pal Paya wrote this one and its Jake getting caught up with a god of gold and revelry, and is drenched in the same vibes of Paya's art. Excellent.
the "adoring, adorned" series, by someone who now prefers to be anonymous
this is an OLD CLASSIC that is heavy with dark, treacle-sweet emotions and physicality. it's not explicitly spooky, but to me i9t's a very good touchstone for just what you can do with bodies and deified emotions.
the weary and the wild, by @mimsiical
"I wanted the ideal animal to hunt," explained the general. "So I said, 'What are the attributes of an ideal quarry?' And the answer was, of course, 'It must have courage, cunning, and, above all, it must be able to reason."'
"But no animal can reason," objected Rainsford.
"My dear fellow," said the general, "there is one that can."
OR: Dirk hides. Jake seeks.
The one in which Jake and Dirk do a roleplay scene in which Jake hunts Dirk across the island. The effect of the close POV use in this story is EXTREMELY effective, and gave me secondhand adrenaline rush.
everybody on your knees and testify, by MULTIPLE PEOPLE (including me, full disclosure)
[Divinity Studies: XXX Core] (69 units across multiple courses)
The course sequence examines the impact and influence of dormant sex deities on modern day college life, with emphasis on the rise and growth of divine worship. It will also cover individual arousal responses as well as the increase in group orgiastic interactions.
Assignments include group projects, workshops, and individual study. [Restricted to students with no gag reflexes.]
The one where Jake is the god of sex and Dirk accidentally wakes him up due to being that good at giving head. A lot of weird magic stuff and everyone having a blast adding in more kinks. Lighthearted and weird.
green eyes, spread thighs, by saccharomyces_cerevisibae
Dirk goes home with a hot demon and things get… interesting pretty fast.
lmao i love this one. it's so much fun. Jake is a demon with some cool-ass hypno eyes and he's going to get some use out of the pretty thing he picked up at the bar.
cambion, by treeprince
It's your final year of college. Again. But at least this time you're doing something you love. It's also killing you slowly and eating all your time. You need to unwind.
Good thing your friends look out for you.
Or, "suck one (1) dick, gain a boyfriend slash roommate that wastes your money on overpriced exotic food ingredients and your bandwidth on Netflix while you're away."
another fun one and one I have on good authority will be finished for Spooky Jake Autumn /fingers crossed. Jake as an incubus is always a ton of fun.
Take a Gulp and Take A Breath, by Stormbourne
Dirk Strider, bodyguard of the heiress to the marine empire, desperately needs help from a sea witch.
I LOVE THE ATMOSPHERE OF THIS ONE. It's a good lengthy one shot but I woulda read 70k of this AU.
Not A Hunter's Moon, shamepillow
“The full moon is tomorrow,” you tell him. His eyes widen slightly, and then watch you with a new kind of intensity. “A strong moon, so I gather. That is when I will kill you.”
(Dirk finds a werewolf dying in the snow, and like the arrogant Hunter he is, he takes him back to his hideout and nurses him back to health, intent on killing him as the next full moon rises. But this moon is different. It's not a moon for hunting, as Dirk soon finds out.)
LISTEN TO ME. I do not like werewolves. And even I enjoyed this one. The Bloodborne vibes are strong and v good.
and of course, this list would be incomplete without:
BONES OF BLACK MARROW, by oxfordroulette
Dirk summons a demon for the exclusive purpose of 'cathartic boning.' He gets what he wants.
The one. The only. I feel like a lot of us quietly were trying to figure out how to do Spooky Jake, and then BOBM showed up and turned the world upside down. This is THE fic. Erotic horror, poetry, ergodic nonsense, and through all the interface plays and coding tricks, some honest to fucking god true and deep pathos like an arrow through the heart. If you somehow don't know BOBM, rectify that. Also consider reading it for Halloween, tbh.
(also I was told I should put my own pump your veins with gushing gold on this list but one, that seems gauche, and two, I think we float before the sea at dusk is MUCH more spooky. do with that as you will.)
#spooky jake autumn#i think bc this post has in line links it won't show up in main tags#weh#jake english#dirkjake#whomstve
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4/8/15? Hope you have a great week!!!
(from these asks)
4.) which television series do you use as a form of escapism?
idk i don't really do "media as escapism" so much. but lately i've been enjoying the jdrama "our dining table"? it's kind of funny, i don't usually go for wholesome romance television, but it's been really nice to watch in 15 minute segments while i eat dinner or whatever.
8.) describe how you envision your ideal life partner?
also a musician or at least has the same level of extreme passion to a hobby/skill that i do about singing; tactile; wants kids; is ok with me not driving; enough emotional bandwidth for me to be mentally ill while in the relationship (this is something my ex did not have and in retrospect is probably part of why we didn't work). also, queer in some way. like i'm not exclusively t4t but if i'm with a cis person i'd like them to be bisexual or something.
15.) name one musical album that greatly impacted your life? why?
i have... too many answers to this. oops.
option one: panic! at the disco's too weird to live too rare to die. i introduced this album to a friend when we were in early high school, they loved it, this cemented our friendship enough that it survived the rest of our friend group kind of breaking up, i eventually followed them to college, the rest is history.
option two: the 2016 eurovision song contest compilation album. i indirectly learned how to arrange for a cappella by covering those songs for fun and i also have been a eurovision fan for [counts on fingers] like 7 years now so getting really into it in 2016 led me to langblr, multiple college papers, presenting at an academic workshop, and online friends who for better or for worse shaped me as a person.
option three: the cds from my dad's college a cappella group that i grew up listening to. ultimate nostalgia music. and the primary reason why i am Like This i think.
#answered#this is probably more than you wanted to hear lol#but thanks for the ask!#i mean what are asks for if not learning too much about your mutuals
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Stepping through my post-doc archive: May 2022
My May 2022 archive is mostly interesting to me for what it DIDN'T achieve / how it DIDN'T function.
For one thing, I thought I'd be straight into a re-run of NaPoWriMo - fuelled, I guess, in part by the knowledge of how much of the resource I'd chosen to set to one side, in order to preserve my bandwidth for writing - and reading "in real time". Also fuelled by my experience of using repetition as a structure to "force grow" insights.
As it happens, I'd failed to account for the feeling of being wrung out from the effort involved in keeping pace with the writing (and the on-the-day reading of other poems) - I had that edge-of-nausea feeling, only with poems. Like I might throw up if I had to eat another one. Inability to concentrate - nothing to do with the quality of the poem, all to do with having pushed my cognitive capacity for poetry to - and, let's be honest - almost certainly beyond, its limits during April.
I'd also under-estimated my attachment to the poems as written. One month was NOT long enough - even now, three months later, I'm not really ready to revisit them (although I probably would be if I hadn't persisted with the idea of writing back through prompts, in June).
I recognise the dynamic from other creative paths that turned out to be more like cul-de-sacs. At one point I thought I'd make a whole series of collages to include with the chapter divisions in my thesis - featuring this beautiful photograph of a broken shell that my partner had taken on our local Pembrokeshire beach in - I wanna say - 2018?
Here's a rough collage which uses repeated reproductions of that image, including several that are intact plus one larger one that has been sliced up and interwoven with a geological layers map of our local coastline. I thought it was a reasonably interesting image - and I'm happy, in particular, with the amateurish, provisional look and feel, the way that the "workings out" are visible, together with my cramped handwriting (as a Leftie, never a strong suit). But in the end it just wasn't sufficiently relevant - it didn't earn its place...
The only collage that did make it was this one, which was electronically generated by Pic Collage from the real photograph of me holding up a printed version of the shell and taking a selfie, part obscured behind it... (In my loved and now lost bobble hat, a present from my younger brother, whose taste is forever better than mine.)
Speaking of loving things that are imperfect and in-progress - I'm super loving this recorded at-the-time livestream of Mary Robinette Kowall recording the audio book for The Relentless Moon. Lots of blubs and do-overs and behind-the-scenes-i-ness. <3 it...
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I have always watched too much tv - an introduction.
A personal history of my relationship with the small screen.
My grandparents, who were my main parental figures growing up, didn’t work 9 to 5s. My grandfather worked as a bus driver for the Chicago Transit Authority, for over 20 years. His schedule often fluctuated. My grandmother worked as an expeditor for architectural firms. She made her hours and often came home later in the evening. For a significant part of childhood and all of my adolescence, I spent a lot of time alone. Sometimes I would go to my friends’ homes after school or my younger cousin would stay for the evening; however, from 3:00 PM-8:00 PM on weeknights, my main source of connection to other humans was through our living room television, the screen of my family’s desktop, and the pages of fiction.
It was not until recently that I learned of the term ‘latchkey kid.’ I had been watching the A&E Freaks and Geeks documentary on Amazon Prime when I noted the phrase. It had been used during an interview portion of the documentary when one of the production team members used it to describe Bill Haverchuck. The documentary cut to a scene of Bill, one of the show’s “geeks”, sitting in front of a television, laughing hysterically, with grilled cheese and Entenmann’s chocolate cake on a TV tray. The interviewee recalled their childhood similarities to Bill —the experience of a latchkey life. I was immediately intrigued and paused the documentary to turn to Google.
youtube
Freaks and Geeks, Episode 14: Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers
The search brought me to the Wikipedia definition, listed as “a child who returns to an empty home after school or a child who is often left at home with no supervision because their parents are away at work.” I reflected more in-depth on this and found myself assessing my relationship to fiction and how it raised me.
I have always watched too much tv. I used to read voraciously. I would buy random ‘pre-viewed’ DVDs from Blockbuster and played them in rotation until I got my hands on a new batch and a new rotation started. My grandparents often enabled my habit as a reader, yet I would go through books too quickly for my family trips to the library or Borders to keep up. Most of my planned reading for the week would be completely consumed by the end of the night on Tuesday or Wednesday, so the rest of my weekly time alone, I would turn to watch things.
At a young age, I viewed watching television as infinite. Since it was before the era of eBooks, there was a limited number of hours that my books could sustain me for each week, but television would always be there for me. I watched everything — movies, children’s shows, reality television, teen dramas, daytime television, sitcoms, documentaries, sometimes even infomercial channels. Fifth grade is when I truly became in awe of all that the small screen had to offer. My grandparents had upgraded to the premium package on Comcast. We went from a few dozen channels to having HBO, The N, Discovery Kids, multiple channels of MTV, channels that played history docuseries around the clock, the Filipino variety show channel, and so much more.
As a kid, film, literature and television was how I got to know the world. When I was a teenager, I more actively started to engage with what I was watching and reading. Fiction helped me dream of what I wanted for my life. How I consumed television and film during those years laid the groundwork for who I am as a person now. That was also when I had begun to use fiction to feel less lonely, to escape from the pressures of turbulent home life, to relate to my peers. I had curated a group of friends that also had independence thrust upon them at a young age. Watching tv with each other over the phone and renting films to watch together on the weekends was a big part of how we related to one another — the common interests that bound our friendships, as mutual indoor kids. My high school years also coincided with Netflix’s shift from delivery rentals to mainly streaming, which allowed us to consume a new set of content, in an entirely new way. With adulthood approaching, we segued into the era of series binge-watching.
I was diagnosed with panic disorder and major depression when I was in my sophomore year of university. It was around that time that I became more cognizant of the way that I used television and film as coping mechanisms. Sometimes they served healthy coping mechanisms, sometimes they became more like distractions, and numbing agents. Whatever the case, I sometimes doubt that I would’ve gotten through some of my lowest times without the fictional characters, places and storylines of my favorite shows.
In 2017, I struggled with some chronic health issues, nothing serious, but very debilitating. It took me a year to stabilize. At that time, I hardly saw my friends. I had to quit my job and was unemployed for a full year, living with my boyfriend’s family in an unfamiliar suburb. I was too ill to hold down a full-time position. I was always in pain. I entered the longest depressive episode of my life, which made reading, my first love, feel daunting. I also struggled with a lot of vestibular migraines. The aftermath of those lingered for days and sometimes left me in a fog that made the words on a page feel painful.
I still had television though. On my worst days, I often only had the bandwidth to make doctors’ appointments, eat oatmeal, and rewatch television series I had already seen. The Chinese Restaurant episode of Seinfeld made me smile when I otherwise felt numb. Buffy the Vampire Slayer made me feel resilient when I felt incapable of basic human functions. Daria made me feel understood when I felt completely isolated from my peers.
Seinfeld, Season 2 Episode 11 The Chinese Restaurant
On my better days, I could venture into a new series, which involved more attention. I mainly consumed television rather than movies for the most part, as I didn’t like having my time spent with characters and plots to feel limited. (The major exception to this was the MCU, due to the span of central, interconnected plots.) With access to Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime and HBO plus, I found television to again feel like my main connection to other people. When I felt like I didn’t have anyone else, I had Mr Robot, Atlanta, Glow, Mozart in the Jungle, Westworld, Stranger Things, Game of Thrones, Black Mirror, Big Little Lies, Insecure. When the pain from my migraines, GI issues, ovarian cysts, and mundanity of my newly “sick” life made me feel terrible, watching the fictional lives of others helped me escape. Watching these fictional lives, helped me feel like I was surrounded by others and living their lives with them when my own life felt on pause and isolated.
In 2018, I was fortunate enough to get on a successful diet and medication combination that allowed me to stabilize my health, move back to the city, reestablish my friendships, and resume my career. Even so, I still have more mild depressive episodes. I still get medical flareups. I am still a normal person who occasionally faces conflict, as that is just life. When I’m in those darker places, television is often both a distraction and connection that helps me recalibrate. Now here I am, at my current age of 27, and I still depend on fiction to be there for me.
Once the COVID-19 lockdowns and restrictions started in March of 2020, I, like everyone else around the country, found myself limited in social interaction. I maintained some level of relatedness to others through my cat, my boyfriend, group texts with friends, and my Zoom work meetings. Yet, television was again a big part of how I related to the human experience. Television persisted in reminding me of what life was like pre-pandemic and what it could be in the future. It has helped me keep boredom and restlessness at bay. Through this time, I’ve found myself watching many series that I would have never watched otherwise. I have also found myself analyzing the series that I watch more thoroughly and with more curiosity than I had the capacity to in my youth and during my time of medical distress.
This year was also the first year that I have started writing for leisure, since high school. Being so online over the past year, I’ve often found myself with many thoughts to collect, package cohesively, and express, yet I’ve felt very limited by the current platforms I often interact with. I often feel like I cannot articulate meaningful thought on platforms like Instagram and Twitter, which are limiting by word limit and social media norms. My newfound revived interest in writing has often collided with my enthusiasm for television, film, and pop culture, more broadly.
It may be true that I watch too much television. It may also be true that television was one of my first true friends and in many ways an extra parental figure. I want to move beyond watching too much television. I want to openly explore television, what it means to me, what it means to the collective, and examine the things that we love to watch or have loved to watch with a critical lens. That is what I hope to express on here.
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My next session (which again, was the weekend before the one just gone 😖) was a combination of femdom forced bi clips and an audio hypno file. I was using my squirting dildo and it was allowed to give me only two loads. I’m not sure if it’s a good sign or not, but I remember almost nothing about the hypno 😂 because I was paying attention to the videos and the dildo and a girl only has so much bandwidth.
Then I had some chastity videos to work through. As Goddess said, they can be hit or miss but each of them had some plus points, even if it was just a moment or two when the domme turned cold or mean.
It’s hard to get the effect over but Goddess has been pretty mean and belittling when we’ve talked this month which has tied into the things I’ve doing and helps put me in exactly the right place for what my training has bought on that night. Which really became clear when I had a very dangerous session. I had a similar one last month but I was uncaged and stimulating myself.
First up, I put pink lipstick on my clit (I loved the idea of having pink sissy drips) and then I was watching one guy have sex with multiple woman while I was uncaged and grinding on my large plug. Halfway through, I was to cage and then suck a dildo.
Goddess had told me that my clit doesn’t do what a c*ck does and she was proved completely correct. I was dripping like crazy all the way through (by the end, the lipstick I’d applied was gone) and I was so hot but I didn’t even get “erect” which was quite the trip.
Then I had one that didn’t quite work properly. I was watching VR BJs while gagged but the usual places I get videos like this from have changed or disappeared (and the porn videos sites mostly have VR behind paywalls now). It was quite frustrating because after an hour I’d only watched about 20 minutes of video and some of it wasn’t quite right (and one that I was looking forward too was completely silent which kind of spoiled it 😾).
Thursday was almost the complete opposite (obscenely successful), I started by watching two hypno style videos about gloryholes and cum eating before I switched to glory hole videos and working through all of my dildos one by one.
The videos at the start set me up perfectly and then I spent almost an hour working through each of my six dildos and watching videos. I tried to zero in and notice the change when I switched c*cks, so I was sucking off a different guy whenever I switched. I’ve never really noticed that most of them do have a different mouth feel (besides their sizes) and I ended on my squirting one which was filled with hot water for a happy ending.
On Friday I was plugged and denied any sexual content as Goddess had me watching a chick flick. It was ok at the start but once the bad boy male lead was introduced I was captivated and I felt it. The heat and the desire for him, it was quite a shock. It’s been there the last few times I’ve watched similar films but this time it was overwhelming. The film I picked was part of a series and I kind of don’t want to finish it because I know he’s going to do something to split them up for the next film and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.
Finally, my weekend task was watching videos of cucks eating c*m from alpha condoms. While I applied lipstick and made out with a dildo. The first couple of videos didn’t quite vibe with me but I realized it was because I was sitting, so I switched to kneeling in front of my screen for the next one and that was much more appropriate.
The more I watched the more it struck me that, as Goddess had said, this was a treat for me. Not just the used condom but that the woman in question had thought of me to the extent of keeping it and bringing it back for me (some were super dommey and overt and others were a little more...not quite loving but pitying) and I really liked the range of ways of dealing with it. It was super super hot too!
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Ooof... HI blog mutuals! How are you?
Back around January 5th, I had a cloud of commitments drift over my calendar at work, and I thought: :This will be a busy week.: Two months later... well, it’s a break period soon, and I will probably sleep through half of it.
I have been getting a few drabs of writing done, but it’s pretty fragmentary. I made progress on the mc:tna WIP! *jazz hands*
I also spent a lot of time the past month or so on the couch watching TV, because I didn’t have bandwidth for anything else. I want to do a quick impressions post, in case anyone is curious about these programs, too!
Below, thoughts on:
Alice in Borderland (Japan; Netflix)
His Dark Materials (British; HBO Max)
Raya and the Last Dragon (US; Disney+)
Vincenzo (Korea; Netflix)
WandaVision (US; Disney+)
Alice in Borderland (Netflix - 8 episodes, ends on a -minor- cliffhanger)
This one really grabbed me by the throat, but in a way that is entirely about style and setting. Characters in this drama don’t have a long shelf life, and like Battle Royale, it is extremely bloody. Also like Battle Royale, how much enjoyment you get out of it depends on your tolerance for watching people group up and then be shocked when the strangers they’ve decided to trust (inevitably) gruesomely betray them. If you enjoyed the style of Cube, Hunger Games, The Game, or Matrix Reloaded, and can stand (or like me, fast forward through) the gore, you might enjoy this.
Random impressions:
I know why Arisu is the main character, but brass tacks: if he didn’t have plot armor, he wouldn’t be. Usagi, Kuina, Karube, or Chishiya the entire way.
Almost the second I turned it off, a full-formed plot bunny of how Chishiya and Kuina met jumped in to my head, so maybe that will get written someday. Because they’re the best (regrettable murder-duo tendencies aside).
Either the borderland is a simulation, or they’re all stuck in someone’s psychotic break-- there’s too much that doesn’t add up for it to be anything else (although the “aliens!” theory is fun).
His Dark Materials (HBOMax - 2 seasons (15 eps), 3rd season in production)
I really wanted to like this more than I did... If you’ve read the books, and enjoyed them, it is a beautifully filmed version of that, but the show sells the grand drama of a War for Free Will much too short. Like, my favorite things in two seasons were Lee Scoresby (Lin Manuel Miranda, surprising the hell out of me), the City of Citagazze (what?), Mrs. Coulter (...what?!), and Lord Boreal.
Lyra, Pan, Will, the Golden Compass itself, the angels, the Spectres, the Magisterium -- ehhhh. They were fine. But not more than that. And some of the things I outright loved in the books were terrible here. Whoever cast Lord Asriel, the witches and Jopari/John Perry did...not do their best work, imo. I’ll probably watch season 3, but it won’t be a “must watch” for me.
Raya and the Last Dragon (Disney+ - animated film, ~2 hours)
I shelled out US $30 to see this opening weekend, and I’m not sorry about that choice. Reviewers are saying the story is a bit “generic” and...I guess? I think it depends on what you were expecting. But for me, this movie hit all my buttons - actual characterization for its female leads; humor; enemies to lovers friends; big epic conclusion to its story; found family; basically an RPG sourcebook lite approach to introducing the world; magic with consistent rules and NOT overpowered; BIG ol’ plothole at the end if someone wanted to write for it...
There has been another criticism leveled, in that Raya tries to take a “pan SE Asia” approach with its setting that really, really bothers some viewers. I tried to keep an eye out for it when I watched, and quickly realized I don’t know enough about artistic influences from that area of the world to be able to tell. So it didn’t bother me, but in that I might be part of the problem. I will say that the setting seemed to be a little too “flavor-y” in its regions if it was supposed to be one country originally. But I mean, this was also a film with a giant rolling armadillo-- wasn’t thinking about it very hard.
Vincenzo (Netflix - airing now, new eps Sat & Sun in the US)
Ahaha, where to START? I started watching this on a whim eating dinner one night, and it’s maybe my new favorite show. Netflix labels this a “dark comedy,” and yeah, I guess? I also sent my friend a text when I started binging this midweek that went, roughly:
“Ooh, now we’re staging an Italian mini-Epcot to stop the demolition gang, and GLITTER CANONS!! Also we’re ripping off The Great Gatsby.”
...and that’s the vibe, really.
This is the rare drama where I feel confident saying: Watch the first episode. If you like it, you’ll like the rest (so far- ep. 6 just aired). I am a BIG fan.
WandaVision (Disney+ - 9 episodes)
youtube
Ohhhh, man. This was so much better than I expected, and the second trailer (above, if YouTube lets you see it where you are) gave me high hopes. It’s probably better if you have a vague idea who Wanda and Vision are, but you know I don’t know that you would really need that?
It’s about nostalgia, love, grief, and the stories we tell ourselves-- the ones that are self-serving, and the stories we think serve us, and don’t. It actually lets Wanda lead in her own narrative, for once, but doesn’t undercut what she’s had to go through to get there. Like a Korean drama, the first few episodes are going to seem underwhelming if you’re there for “big P” plot-- but give it room.
Wanda facing down the beekeeper at the end of episode 2 gave me chills like very little has on TV for a while. Elizabeth Olsen packs a lot into that 2 seconds:
And Kathryn Hahn as Agnes is delightful. She’s totally on the up-and-up, of course-
Secondary shout-out to DR. Darcy Lewis, low-key saving the day and snarking her way through it. So happy to see her again, too.
I’ve watched the whole series now (last episode twice; cried both times) -- and I think this is going to be one of my favorite things of 2021.
#TV#mini-reviews#alice in borderland#raya and the last dragon#his dark materials#vincenzo#wandavision#i have opinions
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Autistic Burnout: Roughly Four Years Later
Three years ago I posted the first edition of this series. I am very pleased to tell you some things have changed over the probably four years since this all started. For one, my memory has improved. I can remember things from months and years ago, depending on the thing, and my working memory has gotten better. I still have bad days (days where an entire hour can be spent asking essentially the same question over and over because I keep forgetting the answer) but I've also gotten much better at identifying the bad days and not asking too much of myself. As predicted, I still don't remember much of that first year or the months precipitating my burnout.
Other things I've noted are continued issues with reading and newly identified aphantasia. I've probably had difficulty using my "mind's eye" most of my life (the easiest example is when you're playing a video game and you open the map, close it, and instantly need to open the map again because you couldn't hold the information in your head), as evidenced by the way my dreams work, but this year I finally learned the word for it and that I do have issues with it - because I'm finally playing video games. While I've wanted to play video games all of my adult life, last year was my first year with a console of my own (a Switch Lite) and towards the end of the year I started to have disposable income of my own. This encouraged me to look up disability friendly games to play, and in turn I learned the words to look for when figuring out if a game is for me - aim assist for my dyspraxia, quest logs and map markers for my aphantasia, subtitles for my cognitive impairments. I've played ACNH, Among Us, Spiritfarer, Immortals: Fenyx Rising, and tried a couple others this past year. I look forward to Bayonetta and Torchlight 2.
This past year was also the second year I read a book. The year before that, 2019, it took me months to read a single nonfiction book. In 2020 I read all of Peeps by Scott Westerfield in a week. I was really missing my old life, the eat books by the handful person I used to be, so I looked up the wisdom of disabled people who have come before me, I looked into what dyslexic people do to read. (If you take one piece of advice in all of this, it's that there's disabled people who have been where you are and know things you don't that can help you get to where you want to go.) I figured out that reading out loud, chunking (using pieces of paper to block out all but one paragraph on the page to keep you from getting overwhelmed or zooming), and reading while listening to the audiobook work for me. I got halfway through the sequel, The Last Days, before I realized I didn't want to finish it and dropped it, and while I've only read a Battlestar Galactica graphic novel since, I do have plans to read some other books from my past in the future. Knowing that it's possible alleviates the anxiety and makes it easier when I do get there.
Paradoxically, and yet predictably, I flourished during this first year of quarantine. I do laundry every week, as well as consistently wash dishes, manage trash, pick up the bedroom, but I also cook for myself. I organize my pillbox, I make weekly grocery lists, I've been keeping a journal, and I make monthly financial plans for myself. I watch YouTube videos of every length and can watch movies again as of this year. I keep up with over ten podcasts, varying from disease anthologies to comedy. In January of 2021, I experienced the most voracious want to experience new things, new food, new sights, new smells. I consider this notable because I had only let new things into my life in small, slow ways since the burnout. Being autistic, I acknowledge that I crave control to protect myself and also because it's part of being autistic. Opening myself up to the unknown is a huge step in feeling safe and stable.
These gains were hard fought. This past fall and winter were awful, with three months of it being spent in an ill-maintaining-ill-maintaining cycle that left me so tired I went on a liquid diet for a week afterword so as to not even think about food. In January, my family and I realized we had lost family members to QAnon and I accepted that for my sake my parents and maternal grandparents are dead to me. The people around me have hit another wall and have no emotional bandwidth to reach out anymore, leaving it to me (the one with bad memory and emotional object permanence) to manage the labor of reaching out consistently. I am still thriving.
Time has shown me I will remain cognitively disabled on top of all the other things for the rest of my life, but having the language to talk about my needs and leaning on the people who have come before me will help me craft the best life for me. I hope me talking about my experience helps you feel like you're not alone if you're also going/have gone through autistic burnout, or at least helped you understand that burnout is not a life ender. It's a life changer for sure. But my life is still worth living, and the labor spent figuring out how best to live it has been worth it.
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Lockdown Diary Part 2
A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.
23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.
Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.
Day 31: I went to Tesco’s at Hampton at @8pm. It was weird. But I made it less weird by buying (amongst all the legit stuff I needed and some stuff for Karen’s mum) more booze. I have, atm about 30 assorted cans and 60 assorted bottles. I’m gonna stop buying booze now until I’m down to the last dozen. I don’t want owt to happen and I leave many behind!
Day 32: More than a calender month! I was rung up by a recruitment agent today about a contract with DHL as a remote support engineer to their aviation section. €400 a day! I’ve applied.
Few beers tonight, watching a new Netflix release (Extraction) and catching up with Fog, Ham, Andy and Rog later at 10:30pm - yikes, might be pissed.
Day 33: Typing this on day 34. Dossed around during the day, few beers and another video call with fog, Ham and Rig plus I invited John Monk along. He was his usual self and signed off from the call with a moonie!
Later on I had the pleasure of Scottish Louise video calling me! She was pissed, in her shed drinking den at her home with some neighbour called Ronnie and her daughter Ellie. She was her usual outrageous self who imaprted such gems as “Tim, you look old” and “Roger on coke is the only time I’ve taken it up the arse”. Nice.
Day 34: Today I skyped Laurie and ‘met’ Matthew and Nicholas for the first time. It was bloody fantatsic. Janine was there as well.I cannot believe it takes lockdown (plus an idea to get Laurie to add me to his regular Monday skype chat with Dad) that managed to get us doing something that should have happened years ago!
It was so great to talk to them all face-to-face. Janine hasn’t changed a bit, Matthew is very quiet with Nicholas being the more gregorious twin. And Laurie is still Laurie. I’m reminded of how much I sort of miss him! It was all so comfortable. I loved it!
Tomorrow is Dad’s 85th hence the 3-way chat idea. I hope it comes off!
Day 35: So dad and Laurie and I skyped. It was OK but my video feed was very dark, (still dunno why) and Lauire’s kept freezing. I dropped out so as to leave them to it, my thinking being the extra person takes up bandwidth, with the promise I’d call dad later. Before I could, Rita called me and suggested Dad and I skype, which we did.
So, all in all, a good day of comms! And Dad seems his happy usual self - 85 years old! Amazing.
Day 36: I am really struggling to motivate myself this week. Today, I’ve done fuck all of note. That is all.
Day 37: A similar day to yesterday. All I have really managed to do is lay down audio from Pink Floyd (Absolutely Curtains) to a video I shot of a cow on yesterday’s walk. I am having a downer of a week without any good reason why, ld aside.
I have worn my new walking boots today (’cos my old ones are leaking, I found out yesterday) and they fucking hurt, despite having tried to wear them in for months, albeit pathetically.
Also, a few days ago (Friday 24th April), I got notification from HM Revenue & Customs that I’m getting tax rebate (from 2018-19) of £392. Yay!
Day 38: I received notification today that I’ve got a speeding ticket…last Thursday back from Tesco’s - 87mph somewhere between the A1 and Elton. I am hoping it’s a fixed penalty. I dunno whether it is yet, I just have to send the form off confirming it’s my car and I was driving.
I spoke with Lynda from Woodfords asking her to ask for a rent reduction before I sign for another year. Plus, I let her know that I will be Howard and Sue’s eyes as the look at rental properties in Oundle - I do hope they return although it would be a shame for them that their plans have been scuppered (she’s lost her job in Oz due to Covid-19)
Day 39: Today I started another piece of exercise - up and down the stairs 26 times. Not sure why 26 - it was some thing online to do with the London Marathon, I think. It fucking killed. I used 13 clothes pegs for a counting system.
I asked Karen to pick up some stuff when she was shopping (burgers, radishes) - Dan dropped them off, He was with Shaggy (driving his van) and going to see Jonah. That pisses me off - they should be social distancing, ffs.
Discoevered, today, that Cornershop, post-Brinful are fucking excellent. listening to the album ‘England is a Garden’ as I type.
Day 40: That 26 times up and down the stairs is fucking hard. I did videos about it today. My legs are aching like fuck right now.
Day 41: Just done Young Sam’s (Sam Clews) quiz. 3rd week running and it’s now become a habit and something I look forward to. Out of all the internet driven socialising I’m undertaking in ld, this is the weirdest - I feel totally detatched from all others taking part but, now, would feel pissed off if I didn’t or couldn’t join in. I got 47/70 this week. My best score and only about 8 off the winning score - most others aren’t doing it on their own!
Today’s walk was a cloudy one - I captured some fine, dramatic pics of the clouds. I am getting into this photography lark, albeit very amateurish. But, when I post any pics online (mostly FB), they seem to be widely appreciated, which is nice.
Day 42: Applied for a remote service delivery job with a firm called TTEC. £60k.
Finished watching The Outsider. The creepiest TV show I have seen in years. Really great use of background music.
Day 43: Finished Mindhunter S2 last night. It’s so good but I cannot quite put my finger on why. Today has been a nothing day apart from day 2 of me not typing the letter ‘e’ in any post or comments on FB for a week. It’s hard.
Day 44: Watch Anna last night. A Luc Besson film that starts a kick-ass suprermodel. It’s right down my street. Today I have been lazy af. I need to pick up my online learning again…tomorrow, maybe!
I watched Andy Murray Resurfacing. A documentary on Amazon. Fantastic. What a top man he is. Completely human and completely inhuman!
Day 45: Much talk in the news of possible lockdown relaxation. I am off the opinion we should stay the course until we are completely assured of beathing this thing i.e. a working, widely available vaccine.
Dad and I Skyped - he is doing well, as usual. So is Rita. They both seem very happy in lockdown!
Today has been a glorious day, weather wise. I had my walkk at 10ish this morming and it was very warm. Hottest day of the year so far I reckon.
Day 46: Bank holiday Friday (75th anniversary of VE day). Nice walk. Chat with Karen letting her know about being caught speeding just in case I am banned and need some out of town shopping. Watched second episode of DEVS by Alex Garland. It’s good and intriguing. Now, @7pm, gonna eat and hit the beers and smokes.
Day 47: Typing this at 15:45 on day 48. I had lots of beers and a good old chat with Rog…
Day 48: Today’s daily press conference was eagerly anticipated today with rumours of a relaxation in lockdown. It seems it was a fuss about nothing with no clear instructions - I didn’t watch it but, skimming the BBC news site, I shan’t be doing anything different over the next few weeks, not that I would anyway - furlough and self isolation are the order of the day and I won’t change that until I am sure it’s safe. Meanwhile people, including Danny flaunt the rules, it’s been pointed out to me plus I know he spends time with Jonah and Marc. It really fucks me off. So, the actions of the few mean I will lock myself down for as long, if not longer, as it takes.
Attended Sam Clews quiz again. It passes the time. Also, I had half a scotch bonnet chilli with tea tonight (roasted veg, cous cous and sausages). Ridiculously hot!
Day 49: Received the speaker I ordered a few days ago (from eBay). It’s an AudioPro Addon T10. I got it for a very reasonable price from a German shop. As a result, the power lead isn;t three pin and that has seriously fucked me right off!
Meanwhile, I did my 26 stair climb before my daily walk today. It was easier than usual (surprise surprise) and I did 7km - but that was tough!
‘Cos I am on (yet another) free trial of Amazon Prime, I am ramping up watching stuff available. Last night I watched Booksmart - really nice little film with a great soundtrack. I am listening to Dan the Automater as I type. Today I watched half (3 eps) of The Night Manager and the film ‘The Founder’. The former is a superb series, the latter an OK film about Ray Kroc - the supposed founder of McDonald’s. Except he wasn’t; he was the wrong side of ambitious and a cunt.
Day 50: Stripped the 2 pin cable from the speaker I received yesterday and wired up a 3 pin plug and it worked. Win. And it sounds great. Win-win.
Went to go shopping in Hampton but the car wouldn’t start. Loss. But it was the battery so I managed to borrow Karen’s jump starter which worked. Win.
Spent £107. Loss. But just under £40 was booze plus £10 for two big pizzas, two sides (dirty fries) and some dips. Win.
Didn’t do any online learning - seriously fucking letting myself down. Loss.
Did my usual walking and 26 stair climb. The latter is hard but defo getting easier. Win.
Day 51: Sam’s 51st birthday on day 51 - coincidence! Today I received my face mask from Lou - House of Stewart tartan. I’m pleased with it and that I have got a mask now. I managed to get up at a reasonable hour, just left 09:00, and revisit my web design course. Module 1, lesson 5 and I am fucking stuck. Trying to code an online CV with a side nav bar and I cannot get it to fucking work. Grrrrrr.
Later, i got into a FB dispute (easily distracted due to the above) with someone over his statement of fact (Tim Martin’s treatment of Whetherspoons’ employees) when he doesn’t know it’s fact. It probably is, but that is not the fucking point. I wish I could leave these sort of spats alone.
I am drinking, at 20:45, peppermint tea as I type. Jeez, what’s happened to me?
Day 52: Well, last night took a swift chnage. Rog message me and, to cut a long story short, I hit the beers, also called Foggy later, got trashed. I got up today at gone 1pm.
Sam posted on fb that Paul had forgort her birthday yesterday. Oh dear!
The 26 stair climb and walking each day is noticeable for how knackered my legs feel all the time, I noticed today!
Day 53: My birthday!
Nice comments and banter of FB. Rachael brought round a bottle of whisky; gobsmacked. Karen popped round some beers and sausage rolls. Sam sent a card, as did dad with a £50 cheque. Dan’s ordering me a pizza later.
Chuffed!
Day 54: I went to bed late after a lot of beers, huge pizza and chips, a few smokes and a long call with WWJ and video chats with Fog then Rog. Got up around 1pm and dossed with my usual exercises and I made fish pie with a scotch bonnet.
Day 55: Late one last night but up early today (11ish). Really fretting about hospital tomorrow. Nervous anyway but the safety aspect, in terms of Covid-19, isn’t helping.
Day 56: Hospital appointment was just for an eye scan so the consultant can review it. I was very surprised to see how few people were wearing face masks!
I did two lots of washing today. (After the hospital) I went to Morrsions, Asda (queue too long though), B&M (queue too long though) then Tesco’s. All to buy a baseball cap ‘cos I’m fucked if I’m going to wet my hair each time I go out and want it to look presentable! In Morrsions (no mens’ clothing apart from underwear!) I stocked up of 10 cans of sugarfree apple Caraboa….I was only thinking of this drink just the other day.
Yesterday I finished The Night Manager on Amazon. I liked it a lot but, also, expected much, much more from it consdiering the hype. Hugh Laurie has come a long way from comedy sketches with Stephen Fry!
Day 57:Received an email from Sueanne yesterday asking ( as designated spokesperson for everyone) how I am. The most interestring piece of news in a rather uninformative email was that the US has started to open resorts!
Day 58: I am writing this on Day 59. I started a two walk a day regime. The first walk I do is shorter, around 4km. my aim is to be ready for 1,000,000 steps Diabetic UK challenge (throughout July, August and September). I need to do just under 11,000 steps a day. The relaxation in ld rules makes this achievable.
On that score, I am allowed to visit a friend’s house, as long as it’s just the two of us, outside, 2m apart. I went round Karen’s last night. I was desperate to have a Happy Hour (I allow myself a midweek beer - today (well, yesterday) is/was Wednesday!) of sorts with another human (rather than a video chat). I was there for about 2 hours, very enjoyable, and then came home. Then I had usual roasted veg with rice and sausages but I couldn’t eat it. I used half a scotch bonnet rather than the usual birdeye chillis. It was too hot, had to sling it! Had a few more beers and, hence, neglected my diary duties!
Day 59: It’s 01:20am. I don’t know why I am still awake and up, but I am. But, also, I am now going to bed. Nothing else to report, really.
Day 60: Half way through 12 weeks furlough. I was discussing this with Dad and Rita earlier - I am expecting that, at the end of 12 weeks, I’ll be laid off. I hope I’m wrong but I reckon it’s well on the cards. Off to have a beer round Karen’s in a sec which will be pleasant. Just a hour or so. It’s fucking windy today so I shall wrap up!
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Show Notes 108A Duped - Part 1
Down the rabbit hole we go, Agents!
Here they are! At long, long last—the show notes for 108 “Duped!”
These notes cover 108 “Duped” Part 1.
You can listen to it in this embedded player:
Or on Youtube:
Let’s jump right in!
Miranda and I started this episode with some fun facts about ourselves. Mine was that I once got a pillow from Sargento that said “Sweet dreams are made of cheese,” because I complimented it online.
First of all, here’s the song it references.
Now, here are the tweets of how it happened. Here’s the Tweet I saw from Warehouse 13 co-creator and legendary TV writer/producer, Jane Espenson and the conversation that followed:
And at this very moment, that pillow is serving as a laptop cushion.
Now, onto the show.
This week’s writer appreciation focused on another writing team, Benjamin Raab and Deric A. Hughes who shared some awesome behind-the-scenes pix with us on twitter! After we released the episode, Ben tweeted at us and told us the crew let Ben and Deric cameo on every episode they wrote/produced. Here’s the pic from “Duped!” They were on the elevator with Pete!
We got that tweet and some good corrections and fun facts from Ben and Deric themselves! What up, dudes‽
Miranda says that we start the episode “en media res” which means “in the middle of things” in Latin. Here’s a link to what it means in terms of narrative storytelling.
Later, we also compared Myka’s dress in the pilot…
…to her dress in Duped.
Great work by the costuming/hair/makeup team on emphasizing all the subtle ways that Myka was Not Normal™
Because we love to give due credit, so, the people responsible are
Costuming: Joanne Hanson
Hair: Susan Exton-Stranks
Makeup: Marie Nardella
We also have a good laugh talking about how Pete miscategorizes Alice in Wonderland as Chick Lit.
Alice in Wonderland is obviously not Chick Lit (although there’s nothing wrong with Chick Lit).
This led us to a brief discussion of how Miranda’s sister trolls her by calling “Doctor Who” Mister Who. That already wasn’t accurate, but now it’s especially inaccurate as The Doctor is a woman! As a side note, I personally would buy a T-Shirt that said “Mister Who” on it just to make a laugh. Anyone else? Anyone?
Next up, Miranda noticed that Pete was wearing a North Canton, Ohio t-shirt and connected the dots that Eddie McClintock himself is from North Canton. Further proof that Eddie and Pete are essentially the same person.
Speaking of Eddie, this is also the episode where we learned that Eddie was voted the 82nd Sexiest Man Alive, according to TVBuddy. Alas, alack, the link to the list is now dead. So I can’t link it. I tried.
Next, we talked about how amazing Eddie is at doing an impersonation of Myka sticking her neck out when she’s mad.
In the Warehouse, an artifactified disco ball plays Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.”
Here’s that song:
When Act II starts we get some really orange lighting that plays right into our color theory. I couldn’t find a picture of that scene and Amazon won’t let me screenshot, but, in general, most cinematography of Myka in this episode is very orange. Here are a couple examples of how orange most things are that involve Alice in this episode:
Then we talked about how weird it was when Myka actually took one of Artie’s pastries.
Actual footage of my face when she took one:
Actual footage of my face when she took SECONDS:
Then we got the introduction of Gary and Jillian Whitman—this week’s red herring bad guys and focus of this week’s dual Actor’s Spotlight, courtesy of Miranda.
Gary was played by Niall Matter.
Miranda recommended watching the TV show he was on called The Best Years.
Jillian (my name-thief) was played by Erica Cerra.
Miranda noticed a subtle Walt Whitman reference and gave the dates of his life and Lewis Carroll’s/Charles Dodgson’s life.
Walt Whitman: 1819 - 1892
Lewis Carroll/Charles Dodgson: 1832 - 1898
There will be a lot more information about Lewis Carroll/Charles Dodgson in the show notes for Part 2 of this episode.
Then we talked about how Artie was a tad too aggressive in telling Claudia to “back off!” and how this all reminded us of a scene in The Importance of Being Earnest where two characters grumpily eat cakes. Miranda later specified that it reminded her of the scene where Jack and Algernon eat muffins. Meanwhile, it reminded me of the scene where Gwendolen and Cecily get passive-aggressive over whether tea should be enjoyed with bread and butter or with cake.
Here’s a snippet of the scene Miranda was thinking of:
Algernon. If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. [Begins to eat muffins.] It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stock-brokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties.
Jack. How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.
Algernon. Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.
Jack. I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.
Here’s a snippet of the scene I was thinking of:
Cecily. May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax?
Gwendolen. [With elaborate politeness.] Thank you. [Aside.] Detestable girl! But I require tea!
Cecily. [Sweetly.] Sugar?
Gwendolen. [Superciliously.] No, thank you. Sugar is not fashionable any more. [Cecily looks angrily at her, takes up the tongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.]
Cecily. [Severely.] Cake or bread and butter?
Gwendolen. [In a bored manner.] Bread and butter, please. Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowadays.
Cecily. [Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on the tray.] Hand that to Miss Fairfax.
[Merriman does so, and goes out with footman. Gwendolen drinks the tea and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once, reaches out her hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake. Rises in indignation.]
Gwendolen. You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far.
Both of those scenes take place in Act II.
If you read nothing else in these show notes STOP AND WATCH THE FOLLOWING CLIP!
Here’s a clip from an early movie adaptation of The Importance of Being Earnest that features my favorite line delivery of anything ever:
Good luck ever looking at a handbag without thinking of that again.
While we’re on the subject, I played Cecily in the Importance of Being Earnest, so I’m legally obligated to share a couple photos of that as proof:
As a final note on the matter, you can read the entire play from project Gutenberg here (and I recommend that you do, because it’s one of my all-time faves.).
Later, Miranda and I wondered if the infinity tattoo on Myka’s ankle was Joanne Kelly’s or was something Alice did when they got to Vegas. I think someone tweeted at us about this awhile ago. If anyone has that info, I’ll update the show notes with that and credit to the Tweeter.
After that, we discussed Myka’s/Alice’s casual mention of Carson’s Rule of Linear Transfer and her assertion that it means “forced outcomes require tangency.” I posited that this rule is not a mathematic or scientific principle but rather a warehouse-specific rule. The only Carson’s Rule that Miranda and I could find when researching this was an unrelated rule about bandwidth. If you’re super into telecommunications, you can read more about Carson’s Banwidth Rule here.
Backing up a little bit in the episode, we discussed a little bit about the history of disco and disco clubs via exerpts from a written interview with Professor Carol Cooper.
She spoke with us about Studio 54, Vaughn Harper, and the roots of a Studio 54 laying in a black-owned club called Leviticus.
I didn’t mention it in the episode, but that makes the club in Empire (also named Leviticus) a truly nicely named homage to history. Bustle.com did a deep dive on that fact here.
Relatedly, when the disco ball drops earlier in the warehouse, Claudia does her own take on the Saturday Night Fever dance…
…then devastates Artie by incorrectly dating the Disco Era. Find approximate dates and more info here.
Then Miranda compared Deanna Troi from Star Trek: The Next Generation and Tara Maclay from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
First of all, the episode of Buffy that we referenced was Season 4, Episode 16 “Who Are You?”
Second of all, we made a Buffy reference, so… You know… Take a shot.
Then we talked about Myka’s reaction to Pete referencing a rabbit’s foot as a lucky charm.
That was both a great reference to the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland…
…and a great reference to keychains from the 1990s and early 2000s. For those who don’t understand that reference, I was gonna link to some funny pictures from that era, but googling “rabbit’s foot” actually led me to down a sad path, so… like.. Not gonna share that.
Then we talked about how Pete saying “Kirk out
…was an improvised line that referenced Captain James T. Kirk on Star Trek: The Original Series and the communicators they used as well as to the flip phones from the era just before warehouse 13 premiered.
Then, both Ben Raab and Eddie McClintock explained that the reaction on set to Eddie saying “Kirk out!” looked something like this…
…until the network gave them the all-clear.
Winding things down for this episode, Miranda and I figured out what a Roulette table looked like:
…and appreciated Claudia’s knowledge of CIA laser mics. Turns out, laser microphones are really a thing!
Finally, for this week’s
~HEAVY THEMES~
…we talked about how off-putting Miranda and I found it when Alice (as Myka) drank both on the job and in front of Pete.
Not all people in recovery are triggered when people drink around them, but some are.
Here is an article from American Addiction Centers on how best to support an alcoholic and support their recovery.
If anyone has resources that they find helpful, we’re always happy to add them to these show notes or create a page devoted to resources for things discussed in our Heavy Themes sections.
And, with that, we are done with Part 1!
See you next time, Agents.
#108 Duped#108 Duped Part 1#108 A Duped#108 A Duped Part 1#108#heavy themes#alice in wonderland#alice liddell#vegas#las vegas#lewis carol#studio 54#disco
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This week’s community meeting is cancelled, thank goodness. I have a feeling that further activism will have to take place online, so I’ve started putting our arguments for preserving the building to the tune of Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”
Last night one of my old high school friends livestreamed a concert with his band, the Dedbeats, so I watched with my parents, and my mom called her friends and had them watch too. On the one hand, it wasn’t quite as much of a rush as live music. On the other hand, it’s not like a lot of bands make it up here, so this was much better than what I’m used to seeing. The last live live music I saw was Paul Van Dyk in Toronto in 2018, so livestreaming makes my life better.
I’ve applied to become a coronavirus screener at the local hospital. The idea is that I would sit masked in a nice plexiglas booth and ask people some questions, and decide which part of the hospital I send them to. It’s part-time, and it pays. My chief qualifications for the job are that I am relatively young with no underlying conditions, and night shift is no hardship at all.
My mom has been taking 25 000 mg of vitamin C per day, she says to protect her against the coronavirus. I don’t know what infernal quackery she’s been watching--seriously, she has these health docuseries things, the ones that have moved her to give up corn and sugar and nightshades and wheat and spend hundreds of dollars a month on supplements--but I did manage to convince her that “eat it until it’s toxic” is not a good strategy in a public health crisis, so she’s cutting back to 20 000.
I was looking forward to getting the article off my plate, and dividing my time between the project I’m working on with a colleague and the book I’ve been told to write. But one of the other entities I volunteer for has indicated that they will soon be placing much heavier demands on my time. Right now everyone else is working harder than I am--I know that’s how everyone is supposed to feel, but I flatly refuse to work weekends--and they are starting to burn out. Thing is, I used to do a 7-day work week, and when a friend convinced me to stop, I was amazed at how much more I got done when I had two days of down time. I can probably afford to commit a little more time when the article’s done, but not the amount they seem to envision. I have only so much bandwidth, and I have other commitments I’ve let slide.
Will and I found out that Father Brown is leaving Netflix March 31, and we’re only a little more than halfway through, so I have been marathoning it on my own where possible. It’s less fun without my beloved, though. He’s an ex-Catholic, so he could explain to me what certain things meant. (For example, that the purple cloth that Father Brown puts on to do the last rites is called a stole and it’s for all the sacraments, and it just happens that in a murder mystery series what we see is mostly last rites; a priest does not in fact carry around a dedicated murder sash.) We had been calling Lady Felicia’s driver Ninja Brian, because he looks like him a bit around the eyes, and then it followed that Father Brown’s little band of sleuthing buddies MUST be the Cool Patrol, protecting what surely must be the most dangerous town in all of England.
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Breathe Into It: Using Mindfulness to Create Change
As a Counselor Intern, I feel fortunate to have a full-time job and see clients at the Austin Mindfulness Center on weekends. During the week, I counsel young adults with learning exceptionalities – many whom have been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, or anxiety. Come to find out, my students and clients share some of the same challenges. For example, many struggle with acceptance of self or others; awakening from the trance of unworthiness and the tyranny of not enough-ness; embracing Life on Its terms; fostering healthy relationships; taming distractibility; and discovering promising paths and new possibilities in life.
Not surprisingly then, when our students were surveyed about what group themes they found appealing, they indicated an interest in Mindfulness! When tapped to teach this 15-week Mindfulness Series to a group of 7 students, how could I say no?! While Mindfulness may be trending now, it is also one of the most skillful means to break free of outdated patterns and breakthrough to greater health and well-being.
Oftentimes referred to as “inner strength training”, mindfulness is essentially a practice whereby we pay attention to what is, on purpose, in the present, without judgment. Just as an Olympian invests in physical training to achieve excellence in their sport, mindfulness can not only heighten our performance, but also help us relieve stress, achieve emotional balance, improve relationships, and aid in our self-development – all of which can lead us to feeling empowered and able to fully engage with ourselves, others, and life. In the easy-to-use manual,
Learning to Breathe
, psychologist Patricia Broderick, Ph.D., spells out a mindfulness curriculum for adolescents. Using the acronym BREATHE, her wise guidance offers insights and practices for cultivating mindfulness skills through body awareness, thoughtful reflection, emotional acceptance, focus and attention, self-care, and healthy habits of mind. Below are a few suggestions for how to utilize mindfulness practices to make meaningful, lasting changes whether you’re a teen or adult.
Body
The body is an easily accessible “tool” for cultivating mindfulness. By attending to the breath as well as our physical sensations while engaged in a body scan or movement practices such as yoga, Tai Chi, walking meditation, dance, or martial arts, we are encouraged to focus on the here-and-now, leaving our past and worries about the future behind us. If doing this on your own, notice the color, temperature, texture, intensity, and location of physical sensations while refraining from judging them or getting pulled away by noisy self-talk. Take your time, soften towards uncomfortable sensations, and listen to your body.
Reflections
Reflections are thoughts and, as most of us can attest, our thinking is never-ending. Moreover, much of it is repetitive and unhelpful. At the center of noticing our thoughts is the ability to question the truthfulness and workability of them. One mindfulness skill that helps is “distancing from thoughts”. While most of our thoughts may seem automatic, and we may even think we are one with our thoughts, we nevertheless have the choice to stick with them. Some popular practices for allowing, then defusing, from our thoughts and stories—especially those that trigger unpleasant emotions, drudge up drama, or lead us to hurt ourselves and others—are open inquiry, “The Work” of Byron Katie, and especially meditation. Such efforts guide us to see, identify, and question thoughts that cause our suffering and address it with clarity.
Emotions
You may have heard the adage, "You can’t heal what you can’t feel." It’s true, but embracing our emotions can be scary because doing so compels us to acknowledge our vulnerability. Moreover, while feelings are a natural aspect of our humanity, few of us have been instructed on how to navigate them. Even so, if we can learn how to approach emotions mindfully, we will recognize them as “energy surges” or waves in the ocean. Rather than repress or deny our feelings, we can greet them by paying attention to them, accepting them as they are, and watching them come and go with patience, understanding, and self-compassion.
Here’s a tip. Next time you experience a difficult emotion, PAUSE. Take a moment to recognize and allow what you’re feeling. Ask yourself: “What is happening right now?” and “Can I let this be? Take note of what you're feeling (i.e., sad, angry, scared, etc.). Retreat to a private space, if possible. Resist complaining or blaming others for your discomfort. Do not seek out company right away. Let the feeling come, intensify then pass away. Afterwards, notice: you survived. While feelings are temporary, if some regularly resurface over a long period of time, you may want to reach out to others you trust for on-going support.
Attention
You’re not alone if you are someone who struggles to stay focused on one task at a time. At any time of day or night, we have options for how to direct our attention. While it can be helpful to multi-task and we are often asked to do so, single-tasking is at the core of mindfulness practice. It allows us to dedicate as much of our focus as possible to what we are doing in the moment. Paying attention then, encompasses a combination of conscious intention and discipline effort. Some mindfulness practices that are helpful for improving concentration include: active listening, eliminating distractions, working in a quiet environment, mindful eating, candle-gazing meditation, setting aside blocks of time for tasks, and taking time-outs.
Tenderness
Tenderness means we treat ourselves with kindness, compassion, and self-care. It does not mean letting ourselves off the hook or not expecting very much of ourselves. On the contrary, it’s recognizing we don’t help ourselves when we don’t take care of our insides as much as our outsides. Self-compassion helps us do that as it invites us to not only accept ourselves as we are, but also accept Life as It is here-and-now.
According to Dr. Kristen Neff, author of
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
, the three components of self-compassion are: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness allows us to tenderly care for ourselves the same way we would care for a friend who is struggling instead of harshly criticizing them. Common humanity connects us with our fellow human beings who are also imperfect. Mindfulness entails taking a balanced and accepting approach to our difficult emotions.
While it may seem counter-intuitive, especially to our “Inner Critic”, practicing tenderness with ourselves has multiple benefits. Such rewards may include a more stable sense of self, self-worth even in the context of failure, and self-esteem without the pitfalls of social comparisons, narcissism, or defensiveness that can accompany it. In addition, we are likely to experience less depression, stress, anxiety, and perfectionism along with more harmonious relationships because we are more forgiving and accepting of others too.
Habits of Healthy Mind
Habits of a healthy mind are developed over time through consistent practice. Consider from the multiple options above what mindfulness practices are appealing to you. Ask yourself the following questions: What have I learned about mindfulness? How could I use what I have learned? What can I do to remind myself to be more mindful in my daily life? Some things that may be helpful: following through on your intention to engage in new practices; scheduling time for practice; taking classes; connecting with others who share an interest in mindful living; and utilizing books, magazines, websites, and more as resources. The Austin Mindfulness Center website, for example, features an extensive collection of
guided meditations
.
Empowerment
Mindfulness empowers us, gives us an inner edge, and help us be our best self! There is no time like the present. Take a moment now to commit to at least one method for cultivating more mindfulness through embodiment practices, defusing from troubling thoughts, establishing emotional equanimity, mastering attention for optimal performance, or softening into self-compassion for a kinder way of living. With mindfulness skills, you are not only bound to break out of old patterns and breakthrough to greater well-being in time, but also acquire the strength, positivity, and bandwidth to embrace anything life throws your way, transform yourself and situation, and live full-on, full-out the fullest expression of who you are.
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I had a difficult week, but I got some nice work done. There is a new way to add complicated tag seaches, and repository processing is now a lot easier to work with.
complicated tag searching
Users in help->advanced mode will now see a new 'OR' button on their search pages' autocomplete dropdowns. Click this, and you will be able to paste a logically complicated pure-text query such as "( blue eyes and blonde hair ) or ( green eyes and red hair )", and it will automatically convert it to a tag query hydrus can understand! (It converts it to conjunctive normal form, or ANDs of ORs)
This code is thanks to user prkc, who wrote a really neat parser to do the conversion. The system even supports XOR! Complicated searches will produce similarly crazy hydrus search predicates--which may in some cases run a little slow--so give it a go and see how you like it. This is mostly a first prototype to see how it goes in the real world, and I am happy to revisit it based on feedback.
thoughts on current big tag work
I spent a bit of time thinking about tag management and inefficiencies this week, planning what I want to do in this big tag overhaul job. I also did some statistical analysis of the public tag repository to see how different tags are distributed.
not sure how well this will embed, I’ll post it in follow-up if it stays small
Of the nine million unique tags in the PTR, six million only apply to one file. These are mostly 'title:' tags and some misparsed garbage. These tags have long been a concern for me, and I feared they consumed a huge amount of space, but in truth (and of course, when you think about it), one-and-done tags are less than one percent of the actual file-tag mapping storage. They eat up a bunch of 'definition' space, but barely any 'content' space. About two thirds of total storage is taken up by good unnamespaced tags like 'hairband' or 'sitting' or 'twin braids'. Namespaced tags like 'series:' and 'character:' and newer sorts I have been tentatively approving siblings for, like 'clothing:', generally distribute a few percent each, perhaps 20 million each (out of a total 630 million or so). There are some non-descriptive tags I don't like much, like 'booru:' and 'filename:' tags, but there are no gigantic wastes of space in the PTR.
This is a pleasant surprise, but also its own problem: in the back of my mind, I had hoped I might be able to cut the PTR neatly in half by eliminating wasteful/useless tags, but it turns out the vast majority of tags, in terms of sheer storage, are good. I had considered adding a complicated serverside Tag List approved-tag filter as many boorus have, but I do not think it is worth the trouble at this time.
Therefore, I will focus my upcoming work on improving clientside control of what you see, where you see it, and how you see it. If you do not want to see 'booru:' tags, I want to make it easy to hide them. If you want all the new 'bodypart:' tags to display as unnamespaced, I want it to be one quick rule to set that. I want it to be simple to move a hundred million tags from one place to another, and to share them with other users.
The separate question of dealing with running the PTR and my current bandwidth throttle is a different problem that I have yet to plan out. I may add an IPFS plugin for the hydrus server, or server mirroring tech, or there may be another solution. I am a developer most of all, not a natural server administrator, so my dream scenario here is probably to freeze the current PTR and make its snapshot easy to modify and migrate about so users can run their own tag repositories and it is out of my hands. This would also neatly remove my single point of failure. My preference is to focus my time on improving how the servers work and improve administration functionality, but I am still thinking about it.
better repo processing
After thinking about tags and workflows, I decided to just go nuts and rework tag repository processing to no longer be a big application-blocking job! Somehow, it seems to work!
So, rather than making the 'dialog' popup that blocks the program, repo processing now works in a normal bottom-right popup. It streams work to the database in packets and no longer locks anything for long. You can still browse your files and do everything else in the program, with the only significant caveat being some operations like autocomplete tag results fetching may be a bit juddery. The program will no longer lock up for long periods while doing this work, and the cancel button will always be available.
As a result, the 'process now' button under services->review services is now available for all users, not just advanced ones, and loses its big warning. Please feel free to try it out.
The basic workflow and feedback is the same. It will still work through update files and report current rows/s. For this initial version, in most situations it will be slower than before, but in others it will actually be faster. As before, it runs best if left to work in idle/shutdown mode, where it will be greedier and work harder. I still recommend users leave it to work in normal maintenance cycles, but manual catch-up, if desired, is now much more pleasant and easily cancelled.
This is a first version of a big change. The pre-process disk cache run is no longer called, and work and break and transactions timings have been altered. Users on fast SSDs with good CPUs should not notice any big differences, but those who PTR-sync on HDDs may have trouble (or at least be better able to see the ~300 rows/s trouble they have been having all along). Please let me know how you get on and what sort of rows/s you see. Does it accelerate over time? Does it make your browsing or video rendering juddery? I will write a more intelligent throttle in the coming weeks that will speed this processing up when there is CPU available.
This is an important step forward on the tag work and my new unified global maintenance pipeline. I'd love to have the similarly chunky 'analyze' and 'vacuum' commands work a bit more like this as well.
I have been chasing an ui-lockup bug recently that may have been tied to long-running tag repository processing while the client was idle and/or minimised. If you got this (on restoring your client, you'd see black except perhaps a bit of a garbled screenshot in one corner), please let me know if this week happens to fix it.
the rest
The 'this video has an audio track, but it is silent' code from last week had a flaw (such files were detected as having audio) that slipped through testing. I have fixed this and extended the test to recognise more types of silent file. Thank you for submitting test files here. If you discover any more video files that detect as having audio--or not--incorrectly with this new code, please submit them.
Also, an odd issue where thumbnails of files that underwent a file metadata regeneration would not display archive/tag/rating updates until they were reloaded is now fixed. This bug had been in for a long time, but the rush of new files into the file maintenance system from last week exposed it.
I extended and improved some of the recent 'don't do work while page is not shown or gui is minimised' stuff this week. Duplicate processing pages should be more careful about when they fetch new duplicate counts (speeding up session load for users with several dupe processing pages), and the animation issue from last week that froze media viewers' videos while the main gui was minimised should all be fixed.
I also gave the autocomplete fast-typing logic another pass. Some users were reporting that typing 'blue eyes' might instead add 'blue ey' and similar. I cleaned up the 'should I broadcast the current typed text or the currently selected result?' test and I think I have it working better now. If you are a very fast typer, please continue to let me know how this works for you.
Query texts for some booru downloaders that contain '&', such as 'panty_&_stocking', should now be fixed!
The pixiv login script no longer works and has been removed from the defaults. They added some sort of captcha. If you wish to log in to pixiv with hydrus, please use the Client API and Hydrus Companion to copy your web browser's cookies to hydrus:
https://gitgud.io/prkc/hydrus-companion
Logging in this way seems to work well for many situations, and will be the go-to recommendation for any site that has a login system more complicated than hydrus can currently deal with. I believe the Deviant Art login system may have gone/be going that way as well, so if you have had DA trouble, give Hydrus Companion a go.
full list
repo processing makeover:
repository processing is now no longer a monolithic atomic database job! it now loads update files at a 'higher' level and streams packets of work to the database without occupying it continuously! hence, repository processing no longer creates a 'modal' popup that blocks the client--you can keep browsing while it works, and it won't hang up the client!
this new system runs on some different timings. in this first version, it will have lower rows/s in some situations and higher in others. please send me feedback if your processing is running significantly slower than before and I will tweak how this new routine decides to work and take breaks
multiple repos can now sync at once, ha ha
shutdown repository processing now states the name of the service being processed and x/y update process in the exit splash screen
the process that runs after repository processing that re-syncs all the open thumbnails' tags now works regardless of the number of thumbnails open and works asynchronously, streaming new tag managers in a way that will not block the main thread
'process now' button on review services is now available to all users and has a reworded warning text
the 1 hour limit on a repo processing job is now gone
pre-processing disk cache population is tentatively gone--let's see how it goes
the 10s db transaction time is raised to 30s. this speed some things up, including the new repo processing, but if a crash occurs, hydrus may now lose up to 30s of changes before the crash
.
the rest:
users in advanced mode now have a 'OR' button on their serch autocomplete input dropdown panels. this button opens a new panel that plugs into prkc's neat raw-text -> CNF parser, which allows you to enter raw-text searches such as '( blue eyes and blonde hair ) or ( green eyes and red hair )' into hydrus
fixed the silent audio track detection code, which was handling a data type incorrectly
improved the silent audio track detection code to handle another type of silence, thank you to the users who submitted examples--please send more false positives if you find them
fixed an issue where thumbnails that underwent a file metadata regeneration were not appearing to receive content updates (such as archive, or new tags/ratings) until a subsequent reload showed they had happened silently. this is a long-time bug, but the big whack of files added to the files maintenance system last week revealed it
the 'pause ui update cycles while main gui is minimised' change from last week now works on a per-frame basis. if the main gui is minimised, media viewers that are up will still run videos and so on, and vice versa
a few more ui events (e.g. statusbar & menubar updates) no longer occur while the client is minimised
duplicate processing pages will now only initialise and refresh their maintenance and dupe count numbers while they are the current page. this should speed up session load for heavy users and those with multiple duplicate pages open
gave the new autocomplete 'should broadcast the current text' tests another pass--it should be more reliable now broadcasting 'blue eyes' in the up-to-200ms window where the stub/full results for, say, 'blue ey' are still in
fixed an accidental logical error that meant 'character:'-style autocomplete queries could do a search and give some odd results, rather than just 'character:*anything*'. a similar check is added to the 'write' autocomplete
fixed an issue with autocomplete not clearing its list properly, defaulting back to the last cached results, when it wants to fetch system preds but cannot due to a busy db
fixed GET-argument gallery searches for search texts that include '&', '=', '/', or '?' (think 'panty_&_stocking_with_garterbelt')
removed the pixiv login script from the defaults--apparently they have added a captcha, so using Hydrus Companion with the Client API is now your best bet
the client's petition processing page will now prefer to fetch the same petition type as the last completed job, rather than always going for the top type with non-zero count
the client's petition processing page now has options to sort parent or sibling petitions by the left side or right--and it preserves check status!
the client's petition processing page now sorts tags by namespace first, then subtag
the client now starts, restarts, and stops port-hosted services using the same new technique as the server, increasing reliability and waiting more correctly for previous services to stop and so on
the client now explicitly commands its services to shut down on application close. a rare issue could sometimes leave the process alive because of a client api still hanging on to an old connection and having trouble with the shut-down db
the file maintenance manager will no longer spam to log during shutdown maintenance
sketched out first skeleton of the new unified global maintenance manager
improved some post-boot-error shutdown handling that was also doing tiny late errors on server 'stop' command
added endchan bunker links to contact pages and github readme
updated to ffmpeg 4.2 on windows
next week
Next week is a 'small jobs' week, and I have a ton to catch up on. I want to do some more Client API stuff and just hammer out a whole bunch of small things. I'll also tweak the new repository processing as needed and start work on better local tag management, maybe exploring how best to add multiple local tag services.
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