#but they didnt have anything for me to do at work today so i was told not to come in which
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at what point am i to blame for what adhd does to me. at what point is it "adhd made it fucking physically impossible for me to focus today so i didnt do much work and hate it" versus just "i didnt do much work." am i allowed to feel shitty about it or is that just wallowing
#genuine question honestly#like. it feels like fucking shit to not have anything to show for sitting at a computer for 8+ hrs#but like thats My Fucking Fault for not doing the work#like god i tried but it just wasnt good enough#and like. what am i allowed to say about it? oh my adhd meds ran out (5 months ago) thats why it didnt work out?#but the reason i havent gotten new ones and let these ones run out is bcs of the same exact reason#i just couldnt bring myself to refill them just like i couldnt work today#so thats again my fault and it Sucks SoBad#i base a lot of my self worth on being productive and adhd makes mr feel like im not worth much when i cant do anything#UGH ANYWAY thats dramatic but. idk. bums me out i really was looking forward to working a long time today#adhd#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#actually adhd#adhd problems#adhd brain#vent#rant#adhd rant#neurodiverse stuff
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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh
#i just find it like so unfair yknow#im the only one who works in myhouse and full time#but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put#my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but#i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger#its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad#and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility#and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough#and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother#said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9#and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time#constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers#and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either#its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they#cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl#thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on#im just tired and upset#its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing#im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf#oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this#and yk what#thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is#i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return#or if not#theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them#i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me#its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me
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I will read the most inane and useless stuff for hours just for my own interest/enjoyment, but reading academic papers is like pulling a tooth 😭😭 like I genuinely think I'd find the info interesting but the fact that ik it's in pursuit of doing an assignment somehow manages to kills my motivation 100%
#step 1. you pick a research topic you find genuinely interesting#step 2. you have to research and read papers abour this topic. hey dont you remember you find this interesting??#i just remember going on deep dives learning about random historical figures#but absolutely god forbid i read anything in the pursuit of actual schoolwork#i think its mostly that i feel constantly under duresss when im reading it yknow?#all i can think is: im going to have to write something about this#lol just need someone i can blab to about politics and maybe it would actually work out for me#but ugh yeah theres just such a palpable difference btwn reading smth for enjoyment and reading something 'for work'#here is an example!#in my one class i think my prof put The Prince as a reading#i didnt even look cause im liek yeah i aint reading all of that#fast forward a year later: oh my god! i wanna read machiavelli so bad! i wanna feel intellectual 🥰🥰#literally bought myself a copy of it .....#i think im too self aware. id like to remove all sense of context from my brain#literally spent hours today watching documentaries that are actually pretty relevant to my one course#<- but note. they werent FOR my course. i was just doing ir for fun! i wanted to learn!!#but if i got assigned a hour and a half docu for class....that shit would not be getting done#ugh yeah anyways i have two research papers this sem#and its so fucking annoying bcs its so open to my choices. like here. you can pick smth you find genuinely interesting#and you guys literally witness me constantly learn info and want to apply it#but the thought of having to write a paper for school(god forbid) literally keeps me awake at night#its just yeah. wish i could remove that particular barrier from my brain#bcs some of the things i do for fandom are literally borderline research papers#like. read and research a bunch. write about it to other people. apply the info(in fic/drawing/meta)#and really the topics are not so different from my actual coursework#but when i contemplate having to research and write for school it just flatlines my brain#need to start forcing people to watch me borderline seminar so that it feels more fun and in-line w what i do on here#the fernando card post???? practically a research paper. god. my brain is so bad#catie.rambling.txt
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the cat showed up again at the cafe
#i was so excited actually rdjdjdjdjsjs#todays been ok at work though just. very slow lmao#tbh i do kinda like this ward and im sad to leave#ik i tend to feel pretty stupid so far and honestly its whatever im kinda used to it at this point#but like at least this ward im like '!oh yeah this is what i like to do! i forgot bc i was depressed!'#its bittersweet lmao#anyways it was kind of a good morning#and a great lunch bc i got to see a cat :)#its not good quality im aware im sorry i didnt wanna wake up the cat :( and just let it snooze#i wonder if its just a stray... would it be bad if i tried to feed it next time i see it idk i dont have anything good on me at home#except for chicken curry 😭#work logs#snow speaks
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doing things outside of your usual is such a humbling experience...
#lizzy speaks#to those who are curious what prompted this: my friend and i are collaborating on a video essay together#we picked it back up a week and a half ago after it laid in limbo for a month or two#and we're currently in the phase of editing it together (scripting + recording the VO is done)#and MAN. my respect for people who work on scripted/informative content just shot up through the ROOF#most of my experience with editing comes from footage first and then edit down approach (rather than creating/gathering visuals to uplift-#a written script) and it's. well. they engage with very different skillsets i think#my friend who i am collaborating with is very amused at me because this is not her first rodeo. meanwhile me as a first-timer.#i am telling her about how i am losing my mind over my editing timeline having gaps of footage because i couldn't think of anything to put#for certain portions (or i just didnt feel like looking through preexisting footage on the internet and dl-ing it)#and she compared it to 'telling a kid whos going thru puberty that its normal' EKLHFGLHH#im ngl the way i have spent like maybe 10 hours today off and on looking up footage and fact checking the splat artbook is so. explodes#it makes sifting through an 11 hour batch of footage of me playing big run sound like a cakewalk in comparison LMAOO#anyway if you read this far thank you :D i hope that in 2024 i can continue to be humbled in trying new things#and i highly encourage others 2 do so too! try a new method of approaching something or do smthn slightly adjacent to what you do!#tis a good learning experience and also makes u very appreciative of the things that are out there methinks#im literally only editing an 11 minute segment or so idfk how people make those 1+ hr video essays LIKE HELLO??? ESP IF ITS LICENSED MEDIA#HOW DO U GET ALL THE FOOTAGE FOR THAT. U MUST BE REALLY HYPERFIXATED AND DEDICATED TO THAT. DAMN. anyway. have a good 2023 everyone!
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hmmm
#so. do you guys remeber stickers guy#the pretty person that asked me for stickers once and i could barely respond bc i found him so attractive i was panicking. Well#we're friends now! we've been friends for like three months? he came to my birthday party and everything!#and i still. find him really attractive#and i didnt try anything w him beforehand bc he had just gotten out of a relationship and I was in a sort-of-situationship with someone else#(which ended in nothing btw )#but now he's over his ex.... and said today to ME 'im open to everything. pretty guy i see pretty guy i like' he said as a joke but also#like in 'im open to relationships again' way#and i really wanna make a move#but i don't know if it's a good idea??? like im godawful at flirting. i have almost zero experience in this area man#and idk if he only sees me as a friend yknow#but if it doesn't work it's not the end of the world either in the sense that i still like him as a friend a lot and like woukd be okay with#staying friends#but i just don't want things to be AWKWARD you know??? i wanna keep being his friend#and AAGHHHHH idk if i should just explode actually#lennie.personal#don't reblog
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feeling sad :(
#sorry this is such a dumb thing to be sad about im a grown ass adult but like two thirds of the people i invited to my birthday#either cant come or said they would then bailed and like#some of them have legit reasons but some of them i'm kind of like :/ ok well i put in so much effort for yall would be really nice#if a crumb of that was reciprocated#idk i dont ask for much on my birthday i just want to have a nice dinner with my friends#and i have friends who like throw the biggest tantrum fusses about their birthdays and make it this entire spectacle#and people still humour them so it's kind of like#idk#do i really suck that bad that you cant make a saturday evening work to like eat good food#idk maybe next year i just wont plan anything#and everyone'll be like BUT SIMA IT'S THE BIG ONE and i'll be like well! i wish it werent!#bc it'll suck even more to have people not come lmao i dont actually think i've ever had a milestone birthday people just dont give a shit#this includes my parents idk like they are nice to me on my birthday but like no birthday was ever like hashtag special#and like the holidays already sucked so bad this year they did not feel like the holidays half the people i got presents for#didnt get me anything which is like fine i dont give presents to get them back but it kind of sucks to not even get a card? a thank you???#idk this is so stupid i am turning 29 i pay taxes this should not be a big deal#maybe it's bc i feel like half my 20s were pandemic years so it kind of sucks that theyre basically over and idk im just feeling sad and ol#and lonely and just kind of shitty and unlikeable#AND IT'S DUMBBBBB TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST IDK WHY I'M CRYING FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE
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:(
Very bad grade in therapy today
#thought i could make progress this year and yet here i am having done jack shit by now#what has even been the point#i just wanted to do something today that didnt feel awful like try to encourage people to watch a show or play a game#and now im just right back to Why do i bother staying alive? im never going to make any progress#and even if i do I'm going to just be worthless the whole time and waste precious resources others could be using#oh yes just try saying a nice thing to yourself for once! yeah sure that will help when i cant do anything worth a damn#i want to help people but i have no skillsets and no money to further my education and teaching myself gets me right where i already am!#continuing like this is like spitting in the face of anyone who is actually out there pursuing their dreams and thats not fair to them#they put in all that hard work and im over here being a whiny ass bitch bc i want so badly to do better and learn more#but the only thing holding me back is that im a dumbass who cant do anything right and no one will ever think differently#why am i trying to make myself something i can never be? what is goddamn point if its just a waste of everyones time and effort#i just... it feels like the least i can do is just stop taking up space#free up some oxygen for someone who really needs it and shelter for someone who truly deserves it#i shouldnt even have these things and yet i complain about how much gas i have to pay to commute to my jobs#like such an asshole#and i said i so much in these tags bc im such a selfish jerk who coearly doesnt care enough nor has a worthwhile vocabulary to say otherwise#theres just no fucking point to any of this#...#its cold today#might be a good day to do my favorite plan#actually yeah fuck it im gonna go#hope you all stay kind to yourselves and enjoy your 2024#you absolutely deserve it and everything you can get out of it#keep being amazing yall#see you on the flip side or whatever#orbs thought bubbles
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Got into a screaming match with my roommate so now might get kicked out. She's upset that we told the post office who lives here cause my husband wasn't receiving any mail and the only solution was to tell them who actually lives here. But she says we should've talked to her first cause it's HER house. She thinks the landlord is going to find out we aren't on the lease and kick us out or raise the rent. And like what the fuck else was I supposed to do? Just not receive my fucking mail?
#i fucking hate her#we didnt receive IRS documents!#do you know how fucking important that is?!#it literally got my application rejected cause i didnt know they requested info!#weve been having mail problems for months!!#you knew we were going to the post office today too like wtf#if i get kicked out idk where to go#my parents dont have a room for us anymore cause my dads hospital bed is now in my old room#im looking for apartments rn but i cant afford anything as im the only one working#idc if me leaving screws her over she fucking deserves it#shes selfish and doesnt care about anyone at all but how it benefits her#i have so many complaints about her that it wont fit here shes just horrible i hope she never finds peace#im going to cut all contact with her as much as possible and i hope to fucking stop her from being with my family anymore#she used to be family but not anymore i hope she leaves us all alone forever shes burnt all her bridges
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need Guz to hug me tightly for like an hour solid oh my god dhdjdkl I went driving for the first time in over a year and I chewed my lip raw 😭😭
I'm starting to look like a caricature of Anxiety with all these physical symptoms and signs LMAO
#this is so ridiculous fhfjdkdl#i do not like driving fjdkdl i know i should not be on the roads#but unfortunately i have to bc i live rural and also my parents insist i ''just need more practice''#practice is not going to fix the dissociation 😭😭 practice will not fix the Other Drivers being shitty and scary and reckless fjfkdl#it might make it slightly easier bc i wont have to think as hard about shoulder and mirror checks and roadsigns and speed limits#and where i am located on the road and intersection rules and whatnot#but like... it does not fix that i live in a town (and world lol) where ppl are fucking bonkers on the road#i had someone riding my ass for like a full five minutes. we had only two feet btwn us. MAYBE. IF THAT MUCH.#he was BIG mad that i was going the speed limit#and THERES A POLICE STATION LIKE RIGHT NEAR THAT AREA MY GUY IM NOT GONNA GO OVER THE SPEED LIMIT RIGHT THERE LMAO ????#also im a rule follower usually so i do tend to go Exactly the speed limit fjfkdl#and maaannn that makes people SO fucking angry dhfjdl its impossible to drive Anywhere without having someone right on ur bumper#its so ridiculous like... that's not helping anyone ??? ur not getting to ur destination faster by riding up on somebodys ass ???? hewwo ???#ANYWAYS. i drove around the neighborhood and then went up the highway and thru some intersections and then into the main core of town#and then i got my dad to take over from there bc it was lunch hour and the core of town is a lawless land at the best of times#MY NERVES ARE FRIED. i need Guz to act as a weighted blanket or one of those pressure therapy vests for me LOL#im like... shaking fhdjsl that was far more than i thought we were going to do for driving today good lord#IM OKAY THOUGH I SURVIVED I DIDNT EVEN HIT A CURB OR ANYTHING#i think I've only hit a curb once so far in all my times driving and that was on my second time driving on a road i think#so pretty good track record... im a very careful driver fjdkdl i work so hard to be safe and drive smoothly#during my driving test the only thing the test guy had to critique was that i waited at an intersection when i could've gone#but the reason i waited was bc i wasnt sure i could make it across the traffic lane before the oncoming vehicle got to us#so it was like. a safe decision overall but a little too hesitant which can actually be unsafe fjdkdl#AUGH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR RAMBLING SM#driving stresses me out so bad and my lip is all raw now and i have so many physical stress symptoms the past few days fhfjdl#after tonight i should be able to calm down a bit hopefully fhfkdl theres a thing we're going to tonight thats been stressing me out so bad#but after tonight it'll be over and hopefully I can get myself settled down again fjfjdkl#dandy.cmd#vent //
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ive been a little upset about it all night so i need to write out all the things that happened at work today and are bugging me so i can TRY to get it out of my head and actually RELAX bc i just keep pacing in circles around it instead of just accepting it and moving on
#for context i was working frying chicken today. ok so i arrive and literally all the chicken out expires within ten minutes of each other#meanwhile to remake everything takes about an hour 20#tried my best to get everything out and replaced and make sure i have enough of everything and then take my break bc with chicken there are#few narrow windows to take your break in you have very little control over when it is#get back and while im getting ready for my next fry one of the assistant leaders comes back and passive aggressively asks 'everything ok?'#and when i say yeah shes starts saying how shes 'just checking' because apparently i didnt have enough chicken out for her liking and went#on about how we're in a chicken drive (I KNOW. I WORK CHICKEN SHE NEVER HAS.)#etc etc. i just say ok and she leaves#like 20 minutes later she comes fucking back to rag on me again about how i need to choose my break times better and i need to have more#chicken out there as back up (extremely difficult bc there is literally only so much room in the fryers. the batches i usually make already#nearly completely fill them up) blah blah and then when i try to explain how i WAS making pretty big batches people are just snatching them#up fast she keeps trying to walk out the door right away and keeps stopping and looking over her shoulder to just stare at me while i try t#finish my sentence#and she just. doesnt say anything in response when i do finish she just leaves#so clearly she didnt want a conversation she just wanted to rag on me#then later for cleanup the timing of everything just kept lining up inconveniently so i kept having to get in and out of raw cleaning gear#and slowing myself down and i end up having to stay almost 15 minutes late to finish cleaning#during cleaning i have to go grab a key to the back door to take out my trash and this one coworker i have was standing in the way of the#door. i say excuse me and she just stares at me and goes huh?#and i say i need a key and she barely moves out of the way without responding and she has a look like im bothering her#why are you acting like im being douchey. i just need a key. thats something she does a lot she acts like im inconveniencing her by asking#basic favors . ive stopped asking her to help me open the back door (sometimes needed if i also have raw garbage to take out and therefore#cant touch the key myself) for some reason she takes it upon herself to almost completely close the door after i walk out so when i come#back i have to awkwardly use my foot to reach around and pull the door open#ive asked her before not to do it and she just ignored me#GRAH GRAH. and then like i said in my last rb i realized while i was drivign home i forgot to wash a damn pan#im mostly worried about it because ive forgotten a couple times in the past too . in my defense its a pan i personally dont use but it just#gets left behind from first shift sometimes and then second shifters end up having to make sure its clean#im just irritateddd and im mad im worried about it all. its all little things piling up on each other#LOL I WROTE A LOT MORE BUT THE REST GOT CUT OUT IG I HIT A TAG LIMIT. tumblr voice ok dude quit your bitching !!
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😍😍😍
#accidentally slept through my only class today#which whoops sorry. (my 9am english)#which kind of killed step 1 of a plan of mine but thats okay#anyways THEN i had to go downtown to pick up this award bc i forgot to show up to the ceremony like a dumb dumb#but the building was like a 25 minute walk and it was COLD (punishment for my dumb dumbness tbh) but anyways i got there early so i walked#around the block and then went inside and picked up my medal#and i was already far downtown so then i popped my head in a couple of stores as i slowly walked back#got a few things from target. new hair clip nail polish m&ms pens and then a mango. very excited to eat that either later today or tomorrow#then i popped in the calligraphy store and then the comic shop and looked around. saw some white ribbon in the calligraphy store which ive#been looking for but didnt get it because it was a bit wide and kind of expensive and i want a lot for my project idea#(want to write out some of my favorite poems on them in sharpie and then use it to accessorize)#and then i went to the comic shop and peeked around. saw a nubia issue and a few gl 2021s in the discount bin but i didnt get them bc#they were all middle issues and i havent read those books yet although i do want to someday bc my guys were in them. one of the gl 21s even#had simon on the cover so i was very !!!!!!!! thats my guy!!!!!#didnt buy anything there but i did ask the guy to make sure to order a copy of the spirit world tpb so ill stop by to get that in a few wks#and then i went to the bookstore cafe and got a cold brew and did a but of English there. they have tables in the stacks its nice. the one i#grabbed was just surrounded by old paperbacks of sci fi and thrillers lol. didnt see anything id read but recognized a few author names like#card (no enders game though) and the pern lady (idk her name i havent read it). anyways did half a blog post thats technically late (ill#backdate though dw) and then packed up and i grabbed a gyro from the halal cart on that block which i just finished back at my dorm <3333#anyways good times. now im gonna try and spam some work and go to freaking trivia team for the first time in a month later. oops#blah#oh and i think the halal cart guy may have given me a free soda. unsure abt that though bc its possible it came with and i was just being#silly again. so anyways i had a ginger ale too
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yeurgh
#terrible day at work that wasnt even that bad i just didnt want to be there and it lasted forever snd ever#and kept thinking abt certain things...... what tf do they put in thursdays that make me ruminate myself into a major depression#whatever. i was gonna call friends but im gonna dip on that and just play elden ring#they wont mind anyway it was originally gonna be just them. ill just say im tired#might finish exordia tonight too.. while im already devastated just letting it stack up even higher#its good im feelinf like this today at least bc i have family visiting this weekend so i have to be switched on for that#i wont be able to allow myself to feel anything so i need to get all the fucking gunk out tonight and thats that#ugh why does the fucking oven take so long to heat come on......#.diaries
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grabbing the ichi plush by the neck and death gripping it like 'good things are to come its all going to be ok good things are to come' like its a lucky amulet
#snap chats#i didnt even pre order the ichi plush but spiritually i did. good luck charm.#anyway rant time look away from here. Im At My Limit <- i say this every week#I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS WRONG <- lying. my moms home#i just feel terrible again. i feel so awful i gave myself a headache from being upset#do you know how upset you have to be to give yourself a headache just sitting and thinking#that happened when i was taking a spanish test once but i think i was just so stupid my brain actually started to hurt trying to think#i also remember being sad as hell that day tho so....... maybe it was both#everyday it feels like im sad thats so fucked up and theres nothing i can do about it#ALSO IT'S RAINING AGAIN rain never promises anything good unless you're a plant#im working but i should have this done in. idk a few hours#and then its the weekend right.... there's no limitations for sadness though brother doesn't run on a schedule#unless we're talking about seasonal depression but we know what i mean#ew im supposed to go to that con tomorrow i dont even know if i want to go anymore#i just don't want to do anything anymore ig is the vibe#idk i have a journal to whine bout all this in ╮(╯-╰)╭ squeezing ichi plush is a mood tho so im still posting#maybe if i play a lil y7 ill remember theres good things to wake up for..#also i gave myself another headache OWOWOWOW STOP when will it end#wait let me be sad again because my dad said we'd hang out today or tomorrow#but i just know that's not happening and now im even more sad WEHHH no one loves me etc etc die#sometimes you just need a melodramatic teenager moment i think we're all due that right like once a month#ok i have to stop my head really hurts ☠️☠️☠️
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why does school actuallymake me feel like im going crazy this shit is not that difficult
#okayprobably isnt helping that i havebt been eating very well lately but#💔#ACTUALLY WHAT IS WRONG W ME HELP#<- read that in a comedic tone . like im just kinda baffled at this point#will i change my behavior? work to improve myself ? probably not#god i did literally nothing today i have a million overdue assignnts#i shouldve been working on. i didnt even do anything for fun ive just sat in my room watched a letsplay episode and thought abt#getting things done. i was pacing around in circles for like literally an hourjudt now my feet hurt so bad what the fuck#this is incrediblly disjointed sorry. im literally just ramvling to complain#i need to start keeping a diary or some shit . if only writing didnt hurt my hand so much#whatevrr !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ill get over this probably im just going thru it for some reason#inqusitivewaltz.txt#vent#tagging for filtering purposes this is kinda just me oversharing vaguely. idk
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can it be called lazy breakfast if its 1pm and i have been awake for 12 hours orrrrr
#maybe its more of a lunch? brunch?? since its lunch time but im eating breakfast items#anyways its agdq time and little bit of food to keep me content and then we try to write today#got a lot of personal stuff i wanna get done hmm#one thing i have done this year so far tbh is that ive been writing a lot more for just myself. stuff that i wanna do and never post#theres at least two fics ive only shared with one person and that probably wont see the light of day any time soon if ever#and im probably gonna write another one of those today#im kinda proud of that. i mean i try not to take pressure in making anything and posting shit and so far its working#lets just hope it carries further too#tho i should probably try to get something publishable worked on too. i have few longer wips waiting to be continued#maybe i'll poll this later. idk. we'll see#anyways i didnt mean to ramble about this i have food to eat lmao#night is an absolute mess on main#OH i do actually have something i can post after i rewrite and edit it a bit!#so gonna try to do that today yay :)
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