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mackenzielovee · 2 years

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letters to you: eight - rafe cameron

summary: one word can't describe the immensity of feelings had with you

warnings: swearing, mentions of anxiety/insecurity

wc: 5k

a/n: hi <3 i'm slightly drunk rn but let me know your thoughts and i hope you enjoy, i love this part for so many reasons and again im sorry for the little cliffhanger. xoxo !

series masterlist

You’re seated on the couch, back in your pajamas, with a full wine glass sitting in front of you when you hear Rafe come in. He closes the door so softly, you wonder if it’s just your mind deceiving you because you’re so desperate for him to return. You’d replayed the scene in your head on a loop since he left, unable to figure out what it means or where it came from.

You take a deep breath when you see him appear in the living room out of the corner of your eye. Taking a page out of his book, you slowly drag your eyes up to look at him. Somehow, he looks like he’s aged ten years since he’s been gone. His eyes are sad, his shoulders drooped, and you can smell how many cigarettes he must have smoked while he was gone. In his right hand, he grasps a bouquet of flowers, but makes no effort to hand them over.

“I messed up before I left, didn’t I?” he asks quietly.

You’re honest when you say, “I don’t know.”

“Y/N, I–”

“Do you think we rushed this a little bit?” you blurt, unable to stop the thought from escaping you.

“What?” his voice is barely audible now.

“I’m just asking if you think we rushed this.”

You shy down on the couch, unable to get away from his intense stare.

“No,” he says, “I like how things are with us.”

“But I upset you,” you finally say, “You were frustrated with me when you left. I don’t know what to do with that.”

“I wasn’t–” Rafe stops himself, running his free hand across his face, “It wasn’t you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just have some shit I’m still working through, and the circumstances kind of brought it out. I didn’t mean to take it out on you. I’m sorry, honey.”

You stand up, letting your blanket fall. Just as he always does, Rafe’s not shy about taking you all in. His eyes are careful, as if memorizing every curve, every scar, every mark that makes you, you.

“Well, it’s okay, Rafe,” you say, taking one daring step toward him, “As long as you know you don’t have to work through all that alone.”

He nods, but you can tell he’s hesitant by the way his Adam’s apple bobs in his throat when he swallows.

“I know,” he says, his voice low.

“Good.”

He watches you take the few extra steps, and before he can help it, he wraps his left arm around you and pulls you in. His right arm falls to his side, flowers still in his hand but practically forgotten. You mold yourself into his body, hoping to squeeze some sort of reassurance into him.

“It won’t happen again,” he whispers into your hair.

You just nod, and when you pull back, he holds up the flowers. He presents you with a boyish smirk you’ve never seen on him before, a sense of shyness behind it. He’s usually so confident and collected; this side of him seems to be new.

“They’re beautiful,” you smile, “You didn’t have to. Thank you.”

“Yes I did. Should’ve last week, too.”

You grin but roll your eyes, standing up on your tiptoes to press a kiss to his lips. He accepts it, then pulls the box of baking soda from his jacket pocket.

“Teach me?” he asks, an expectant smile crossing his face.

“Of course,” you laugh, “Let me take care of the flowers.”

He nods but leans down to silently request one more kiss. You give it to him, then he hands the flowers off to you and lets you step away.

He shrugs off his jacket while you hunt down a vase in the back of one of Rafe’s cabinets, probably old and never used. You fill it and stick the flowers in, just in time to spin around and find Rafe standing exactly five inches from you.

“Jeez,” you call out, free hand rising to your heart as an attempt to calm it.

“Sorry,” he laughs, “Just– just can’t seem to get enough of you being here. In my kitchen, on my couch, on my balcony.”

“In your wallet,” you add, teasing him.

He grins, “I want more pictures of you.”

“Maybe in your next letter,” you joke, knowing you won’t be confident enough to actually follow through on the statement, “It’s your turn to write, by the way.”

“I know,” he replies with a smirk.

He leans in just enough that his nose brushes yours, and that’s when you pull back. You laugh as he groans, throwing his head back.

“It’s time to learn,” you lecture him.

He just nods and follows you over, where you steal a kiss anyway before you get started.

Rafe pays attention for about five minutes before his hands start roaming and his lips attach to your cheek, your jaw, your neck, anywhere he can reach. You giggle when he does it, trying not to let him get to you too much but also knowing that he’s so far under your skin, going back to UNC is going to hurt worse than it ever has before.

Once you have the dough perfected, he fishes two spoons out of the drawer and gathers up a bunch of it, handing one off to you. He pulls himself off of you and leans against the counter as he eats, never removing his eyes from you.

As happy as you are and as much as your mind is telling you to just be in the moment, a part of you wants to know absolutely every single piece of him. The good, the bad, and whatever ugly part he seems to be working so hard to hide.

“You told me once that I could talk to you, do you remember that?” you ask, “That nobody would see my letters but you. So, if I needed to vent, you were open to it.”

He nods slowly, halting his eating, “I remember. I meant it.”

“Well, I want to say the same to you, now,” you continue.

“Y/N–”

“You don’t have to tell me. I would never force you to do that. If you want to, though, I’m here.”

Something flashes in his eyes; it’s as if he wants to say a million things all at once. You just wait, allowing him to process what you’ve said and decide how he wants to proceed.

“I’ve made some mistakes,” he says eventually, “But that’s not who I am anymore. I’m better – I’m trying to be better.”

You nod, trying to get the most out of such a cryptic statement. He steps over to the sink and rinses off the remainder of the dough, neither of you really in the mood to eat it anymore. When he turns back to you, you’re rooted in the same spot.

“Nobody’s perfect in high school, Rafe,” you say quietly, “Nobody’s perfect at any point.”

“You’re pretty close,” he says, letting a smirk tease the ends of his lips.

You laugh and shake your head, ignoring the way your entire body seems to run warm at his admission. Now, you’re sure he’s done talking about it. He’s acting playful again; stepping over and wrapping both of his arms around your waist.

“What’d I say yesterday about this emotional shit?” he teases, “I just want to be with you while I can. Let’s not dredge up my past just for the hell of it.”

“I’m sorry,” you say immediately, “I just wanted you to know–”

“I appreciate that, honey, I do. Really. You’re a better person than I know what to do with, to be honest.”

You shake your head slightly, “You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

Rafe’s expression melts into something entirely different from your words, but he regains himself quickly and presses a kiss to your forehead.

“C’mon, let’s get these in the oven.”

Saturday night consists of wine and whiskey, pizza, snickerdoodles, and about a million kisses. Some painfully slow, some so quick and desperate you swear you might die if you ever stop. You’re amazed at the fact that Rafe never tries to make it something more, he never tries to push you or make you uncomfortable. Really, he leans back and lets you choose the pace, taking over only when you relinquish control to him.

After a particularly long makeout session, you collapse on Rafe’s chest and turn your attention to the TV, where almost an entire episode of I Love Lucy has played through. Rafe’s palm is pressed into your back, stroking lightly every so often. Once the episode ends, he starts to squirm under you, and you know immediately what it means.

“Sit outside with me,” he says as you move to sit up.

“Okay,” you agree, picking up your wine glass while Rafe picks up his whiskey.

He slides the glass door open and lets you walk out first, taking a seat at his table. He lights up a cigarette as soon as he closes the patio door, then moves across the balcony to get to his seat. You look out, although there’s not too much to see. A road with a few cars passing by, the water off in the distance.

He clears his throat and draws your eyes away from the view, instead over to him. You watch him pull his cigarette from between his lips, letting them fall into their natural smirk as he looks at you.

“What time do you have to go tomorrow?”

The thought of getting back on that ferry without him makes your heart sink.

“Noon.”

He frowns, “Are you sure you have to go?”

Despite the topic, you smile. He gives you a soft smile when he sees yours, but something in his eyes looks sad. The loneliness is already returning, and for a moment, you swear you’re going to be lonely, too.

“I have class on Monday,” you say quietly, “I have to be there.”

He sits up straight, seemingly forgotten about the cigarette between his fingers.

“Honey, I’m joking. I’d never let you skip class to stay.”

You nod, knowing he has to work anyway, and both of your lives will return to normal. Just as last week, the thought of not knowing when you’ll see him again makes your heart ache. Not to mention the fact that a label hadn’t been put on this – a fact you’re trying not to think too hard on. The fact doesn’t necessarily bother you; you know you’re special to Rafe and you certainly know he’s special to you, but the pressure of figuring out what to tell Emma is weighing on you. As strange as you find her relationship with Ethan, you know that it would be considered more normal than your situation with Rafe.

He chuckles lightly, bringing you out of your trance. Your eyes meet his blue ones, which never leave you as he takes a drag.

“What’s going on in that head of yours, Y/N?” he asks, a cocky grin on his face.

“Nothing,” you tell him, ignoring the heat that flows through your body at getting caught.

“Mhm,” he hums, amused, “You have no poker face, you know that?”

You furrow your eyebrows, “What do you mean?”

He laughs and relaxes in his chair, staring at you for another long few seconds before he speaks again.

“You hold every single emotion right on that beautiful face of yours. You’re trying to figure something out, I just don’t know what.”

You tuck your bottom lip in between your teeth and look down at the table, hoping somehow, the answer will be written there. Rafe keeps his gaze locked on you, never faltering or changing for one second.

“I’m trying–” you stop, reassess what you’re going to say, “I’m trying to figure out what I’m supposed to call this.”

You can practically hear him swallow as you finish your sentence, cigarette halting in midair as he takes it in. You don’t have the courage to look up at him, so you rely on what you can see out of the corner of your eye.

“This?” he requests clarification with a slight crack in his voice.

“Yes, this–” you almost whisper, “Us.”

He nods slowly, gradually unfreezing his limbs and functioning as normal again. When you do finally steal a gaze, he looks as if you’ve never said anything in the first place. The cigarette rises to his lips and he inhales, staring off the balcony as he thinks. You watch as the smoke comes pouring out of his mouth and nose a few seconds later, and that’s when he turns to look directly at you.

“Is Christian the guy you kissed on New Year’s Eve?”

You blink a few times as you try to process that subject change. Something spins in your stomach at the thought of Rafe not wanting to answer the question.

“What?” you ask, not even bothering to hide your confusion.

He laughs lightly, “Humor me. Is he the guy you kissed or not?”

“Yes.”

He nods, seemingly unaffected by the confirmation. You sit back in your chair and tuck your bottom lip between your teeth again, trying somehow to rid your body of the anxiety that seems to be rising up.

“Well,” he starts, tossing the rest of his cigarette off the balcony as he speaks, “I think I might die if I ever find out you kissed him again. Although, it’s not really fair of me to say that unless I do something about it, right?”

You’re not sure what game he’s playing, but at least it’s leading somewhere. That’s enough to get you to look up at him.

“I suppose not,” you say quietly.

“What would you like me to do about it, Y/N?”

Quite frankly, you have no idea how to answer that question. You can tell by the smirk on his face that he just wants you to say it, but you’re not sure you can. Just the thought that someone wants to be with you the way he does still hasn’t completely resonated yet. The thought of saying any word merely associated with the term relationship to Rafe Cameron has you teetering on the edge of insanity.

“I don’t know,” you reply, clearing your throat when your voice comes out barely audible.

He grins, “I’ve spent the last two days kissing the hell out of you, surprised every single time when you take control. It’s the words you always shy away from. Why?”

“I–” you stop yourself from claiming you don’t know when you look up and see his expression, daring you to lie. You stop and take a deep breath, releasing it before continuing, “I’ve never done this before, Rafe. I’m as inexperienced as they come. So, I don’t know the right things to say or when to know what to do. I have zero idea what’s happening right now, in fact. I just don’t want to go back to school confused. Or sad, if I’ve misread this and this is all it’s going to be. That’s okay, by the way, if that’s what you want, I just need to know. I need to–”

“Y/N,” he says, standing from his chair, “Take a breath, honey.”

You exhale, “Sorry.”

His laugh is short, quiet, and one of your favorite sounds to date. He kneels down in front of you and places both hands on top of your knees to steady himself. Your eyes gloss over each one of his features, wanting nothing more than to reach out and stroke a finger across his sharp jaw.

“I want you to be mine,” he tells you, “I want to be yours. In whatever way we do that is up to you. We’ll go at your pace. You don’t have to worry about me being here with anyone else, and I’ll try not to break Christian’s fucking arm next time I see him.”

You laugh, “Rafe. He’s nice.”

“He’s nice,” Rafe mocks, “Y/N, you really are new at this, aren’t you?”

“Yes. Go easy on me,” you whisper.

“I will, honey. You know I will. I’m yours. Tell me you’re mine.”

You smile and lean forward in your seat, sure that your poker face is already giving you away.

“I’m yours,” you say, your mouth hovering about three inches from his.

“Shit,” he mutters under his breath, “Can I take you inside now?”

“I would like that.”

He grins and holds his hand out to help you stand once he does, tugging you toward the sliding door. He pulls it open and guides you inside, wasting no time pulling you back to him for a kiss. This one feels different – they all feel different to you, Rafe communicates through his kisses, you’re sure – and you completely melt as he holds you up.

Without even realizing he’s inching you back, Rafe stops when he reaches the threshold of his bedroom.

“What’s mine stays in my room,” he explains, pulling back to look at you, brushing the pad of his thumb over your puffy bottom lip, “Your pace. Always at your pace, honey.”

You nod then, guiding your arms around his neck to pull him back down to you.

“Okay,” you say, “My pace.”

He smiles against your lips, “That’s right, beautiful girl. Come on.”

It has to easily be hours before you two finally stop kissing each other. You don’t mind the fact that he smoked right before he kissed you; in fact, you feel as if you can taste more of his whiskey than the smoke. He holds you on his lap, then guides you to lay down in the bed, but he never once moves to take it further. You set the rhythm, he follows it. After so long, your lips swollen to perfection, Rafe collapses beside you and wastes no time pulling you into his side.

“You okay?” he asks.

You bite your lip, “You really want me to stay in here?”

He laughs and pulls you even closer, his lips meeting your temple. You wonder how he can do that, given how tingly your lips still feel.

“More than anything else in the world, really,” he answers.

You smile and cuddle into him, using your angle to look around his room. It’s pretty normal; a TV, a dresser, curtains, more books. One thing you do notice, though, is that he has no pictures up. Nothing that makes it personal. Nothing that claims it as his own.

“I like your room.”

Another laugh from him, and you’re sure you have to be the funniest person in the world.

“Thank you,” he says, “Want me to tell you something personal?”

“Always.”

“You’re the first girl to be in this room.”

You can feel your heart plummet to your feet, and before you even fully digest his words, your head shoots up to look at him. Out of all the things he could’ve said to you right then, that is not one you ever would’ve thought of.

“I am?”

He nods, a sadness in his eyes that you can’t seem to properly place. You’re not sure if it’s really there.

“Yes.”

You move closer to him, pressing your body against his. He welcomes it, letting out a content sigh as you do so. You can feel the sleep ready to take over your body, comforted by the admission that you’re sleeping on a bed that’s only ever been occupied by Rafe himself.

“Rafe?”

“Hm?”

“Can I tell you the adjective I thought of to describe how I feel with you?”

You don’t have to look up at him, you can just hear the smile on his face as he replies.

“Sure.”

You smile against his chest and let the word slip out before both of you wind up falling asleep.

“Intoxicated.”

When your eyes open, you smile immediately. The simple sight of sunlight streaming in through Rafe’s window, illuminating his room, has you beaming. You can feel his arm lazily wrapped around your torso, but can tell there’s a bit of space in between the two of you because you can’t feel his body heat on your back.

You turn around gently, careful to keep his arm on you, and take him in. His lips are parted only slightly, barely, and his hair is sitting in ten different directions. You’re sure that’s partially because of sleeping, but also because you’d been running your fingers through it nonstop while kissing him. The sunlight hits his tan skin perfectly, and for a moment, you’d swear he’s glowing. You refuse to look away. You don’t want to miss even the smallest of movements; you want to memorize how he looks right now and carry it with you everywhere. Forever.

“Assigning me another adjective?”

His raspy voice hits you directly in the heart, but you try not to let it show.

You laugh, grin wide, “Yes, actually.”

His eyes remain closed, but his lips get pushed together as he tries to suppress his smile.

“Don’t leave me in suspense, honey.”

You shimmy closer before you can help it, smile widening when you feel his hand travel from your waist up your back to pull you in.

“Alluring.”

“Alluring,” he repeats, “Wow. Imagine what my adjective will be after I take a shower.”

You laugh and roll your eyes, focusing back on him just in time to watch those blue eyes flutter open to greet the day. He smiles then, and up close, you can see the way his eyes crinkle when he does so. Devastatingly handsome, that’s what you’re sure he’d look like after a shower.

“Hi,” you whisper.

He laughs, “Hi. Did you sleep okay?”

“Very okay.”

“Me too,” he says, “I want to take you to breakfast before I have to put you on the ferry. Will you let me do that?”

You nod, letting his desires outweigh your fear of being seen on the island. You’re sure none of the members of the Club will be out getting breakfast anywhere, considering they all do brunch at the Club every Sunday.

“It’s allowed,” you tease.

“Good. Are you going to let me kiss you, or do you want to brush first?”

You smile at how well he seems to have already caught on to you, and you’re sure he’s not at all surprised when you sit up.

“I’ll be two minutes,” you promise.

He groans, “Make it one.”

You hurry off to the guest room bathroom and scrub your teeth, every nerve in your body firing with anticipation. It’s only been about seven hours since you kissed him last, and yet, it feels like way too long. Especially with him being so close all night.

When you reach his room again, you stop in the doorway when he's no longer in bed. You’re not sure what to do; if you should get back in bed and wait or move to the living room. He emerges from the bathroom then, hair still messy as ever, and laughs lightly when he sees you in the doorway.

“I brushed, too,” he says, “C’mere.”

He pulls you just inside his room and presses you against the wall beside his door, wasting no time pressing his lips to yours. It’s agonizingly slow at first, his kiss, just wanting to savor the feeling of each other so close. When he pulls away after a minute, you groan.

“Rafe,” you whine.

“Shit, I–” he drops his head back, “Fuck. Go get ready for breakfast. Stay a second longer and I won’t stop.”

You giggle and peck his lips quickly before hurrying off to the guest room, only so happy to hurry through a shower and get dressed before shoving all of your belongings back into your duffle bag. Just before you zip it up, your eye catches on the note you’d saved from Rafe that he had taped to the fridge. You smile when the idea comes to you, and when you hear Rafe’s shower running, you hurry into the kitchen to find paper and a pen.

“Okay, are you sure you’ve got everything?” he asks as he shrugs on his jacket by the door.

“Yeah, think so,” you say, “I’ll double check. Wait here.”

He just nods. You escape back into the kitchen and slide your note under his magnet, hoping it will make him smile the way his did for you. Quickly, you read over it for flaws.

Rafe,

I miss you already. Crazy, because you’re just in the shower. I kind of mean more so when I leave the island. Don’t forget it’s your turn to write.

Eat your cookies and think of me every time. I’ll definitely be thinking of you all week.

Yours,

Y/N

You’re so sure he’ll love the way you sign off the note that you almost want to hand it to him now just so you can see the expression on his face. Holding back, you walk back into the entryway and reach for his hand.

“Ready?” he asks.

“Ready.”

Rafe guides you out of his truck and into the restaurant with a sad smile painted across his features. You know why; he has to take you to the port after this and watch you go back to school. Away from him.

He only releases your hand when the two of you are seated, but at that point, you’re under the grasp of his stare. His intense, breath-hitching stare.

“Have I told you you’re beautiful yet?” he asks you.

“About a thousand times,” you mutter.

He grins, “Today.”

“Oh,” you chuckle, “I don’t think so.”

“You’re so fucking beautiful, honey.”

Your insides are doing cartwheels, and when the waitress approaches the table, you can’t think straight enough to even understand what you’re supposed to say. Rafe orders you both coffee and asks for a minute on the food. You know he did that for you – he’ll be having pancakes for sure.

“Would you hold it against me if I said I don’t want to go back to school?” you ask.

“Of course not,” he replies, “Is it because of us? Or something different?”

“A little,” you admit, “I just feel different when I’m with you. Less guarded, kind of.”

He nods, “What about Emma?”

You shrug, feigning nonchalance, when really, you’d been unable to admit much about your feelings with respect to your relationship with Emma.

“She’s my best friend. She just–” you sigh and start over, “Emma has a certain way that things should go. I’ve never fit that, but she’s always loved me anyway. There are just things I can’t tell her, because, I don’t know, she’d think I was a prude, or–”

“Holy shit! Rafe?”

You freeze at the male voice behind you, sounding closer than ever. Rafe’s eyes leave yours, widening slightly when he sees whoever it is. You’re not sure what to do, a new twinge of anxiety settling in.

“Wow, man, it’s been a minute. I thought we were going to see you last weekend for sure, you never miss–”

“Kelce, please,” Rafe stops him, “I’m having breakfast with my girl. Don’t.”

You turn at the admission, ignoring the way your body reacts to the words my and girl in reference to you. You take in the guy who Rafe seems to know; he’s tall and handsome, a smile already plastered across his face. When he sees you, however, it drops a bit. You try not to take that to mean anything, but your mind goes crazy with insecurities on what that could mean.

“Um,” Kelce clears his throat, “Sorry, I–”

“Can we catch up some other time?” Rafe’s voice is turning urgent, and you’re struggling to keep up with all of this.

You look up at Kelce again and find that he’s already staring at you. Not in a way that makes you feel he’s being inappropriate, more that he’s analyzing you.

“Yeah, Cameron, sure. I just–” Kelce looks at you again and finally gives into whatever thought is bothering him, “Man, she looks so much like Ava.”

Your face falls at that, having no idea what this means. When you look at Rafe, his jaw is clenched so hard you swear it might break.

“Kelce,” he seethes.

“Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” Kelce facepalms, “Dude, really. I’m sorry. It just took me by surprise–”

“I’ll shoot you a text sometime this week,” Rafe says, dismissing him with a wave.

“Okay, sure,” Kelce looks over at you, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to compare you to her, she was–”

“Kelce, don’t make me drag you away from this table.”

You can’t form even a small it’s okay when he smiles timidly at you before walking off, because suddenly, you can’t find the words for anything. You had no idea what just happened, and you’d said nothing throughout the entire thing. You swallow, your throat suddenly dry and your chest suddenly tight.

“Y/N, look at me,” Rafe says quietly.

You do as instructed, but you do it slowly. When your eyes meet his, your guard is up. His seems to be down.

“Who was that?” you ask weakly.

“Y/N,” he repeats, “I need you to relax.”

“Who is Ava?” you continue your questions, acting as if he never spoke.

He opens his mouth, but the waitress stops in front of the table with coffee, and he clamps it shut. You give her a small thank you and applaud yourself for having the courage to speak up that time.

“I can’t tell you about Ava here, honey. Please.”

You suck in a deep breath, “She looks just like me. Is she an ex-girlfriend or something?”

When he doesn’t answer right away, you let out a small, incredulous laugh and busy yourself with dumping creamer into your coffee. A part of you knows you’re just being insecure, but Rafe’s weirdness surrounding the entire subject is throwing you off even further. He’s not the type of guy who hides from things, he owns his shit. At least you thought he did.

“Y/N, please,” he begs.

You just shake your head, “Consider it forgotten.”

He knows you’re lying and so do you. You slide him the dish with the creamer containers, keeping the sugar for yourself.

“Please,” he repeats, “Please trust me.”

You swallow and look up at him from your coffee, extending your hand and silently asking for his own.

“I do.”

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hongism · 3 years

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touch of the devil - k.hongjoong 18+

↣ pairing: hongjoong x fem!reader | ao3 version (mxm seongjoong) ↣ genre: angst, fluff if you SQUINT, nsfw, fantasy, supernatural, demon!hongjoong, emo rocker!hongjoong, there do be plot tho. ↣ wc: 9.0k ↣ summary: you came to make a deal with a devil sure, but this is the last thing you were expecting out of a night in a dingy bar. ↣ warnings: explicit smut, mention of death, demons, it’s actually really heavy on plot and angst and less focused on the smut ↣ a/n: again i know it’s my birthday but this is my present to you guys, i am a person who prefers to give rather than receive on my birthday and this was the first thing i wanted to work on during my hiatus!! i’ve got so much inspo and motivation rn that it’s crazy and i can’t wait to have everything all set out for you guys when im back :3

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Everything about the air around you is heady and thick in a way that chokes you as you step through the fogged bar. This isn’t your sort of scene – not one you would typically find yourself frequenting on a Friday evening without even so much as the company of a friend – and yet here you stand with hands pressed into the pockets of your black leather jacket. There remains a dull thrum in the atmosphere of the club, a steady rhythm of bass and vibrations that makes your ears ring but you do your best to ignore it in favor of reaching the bartender.

“Just a rum and coke please,” you murmur, hand sneaking out of your pocket to lay a few bills flat against the wood counter. You tug your ID card out as well and flash it in the man’s direction when he raises an eyebrow at you, but upon seeing it, he relents and steps away from you to get the drink.

The question remains of why exactly you are in such a dismal and hopeless scene full of people too drunk off their rockers to even fumble around the bar with some sense of dignity. You, who is neither dismal or hopeless yourself nor are you drunk in the slightest (at least not yet).

The answer is simple. This is a breeding ground, a festering cesspool of desires and greed, and it is the prime place to find what you are looking for in terms of deals with the devil. Maybe not one specific devil, but certainly whatever demon you can get your hands on tonight. And you have quite the lot to choose from it seems, because as you glance around the neon-lit building, you can spot many pairs of red eyes glinting under the lights. You know you have no right to be picky — any and all of them will get the job done — but you can’t help but to note that none of them are as appealing as you imagined they would be. When your friend said that these demons thrived off of lust and appeal, you figured that meant they would purposefully up the ante in terms of physical appearances.

The disdain must show on your features as the bartender begins to speak again as he sets your drink down before you on the counter.

“None of them are for you,” he utters, and you twist back to look him in the eye.

“What do you mean?” You inquire, chin tilting to the side in question, and the man huffs out a small laugh.

“They have their prey already. Picked ‘em the second they walked through the door. All it takes is one look to figure out what these needy people crave from them, what appearances they need to take, what voices to use, what outfits to wear. For people like you, though, something more is required before the real games begin.” He points a single bony finger at your face, staring you down over the length of his digit like it’s the barrel of a gun, and that has you shifting in your seat a bit.

“Something… more?”

“One must have a particular level of certainty before coming to make a deal with a demon, ma’am. But you — you don’t seem to truly know what it is you want. And for that reason, the King will see you with no ruses or deception.”

On the contrary, I wouldn’t have dared set foot in here if I didn’t know what it is I wanted, you want to say. However, your attention is held rapt by his final sentence, the one that held unspoken promise to it.

“And by that you mean physical alterations?”

“You catch on quickly, Miss.” The man leans forward, tongue darting out to swipe over his lower lip, and you glance over the motion only once before pushing away from the counter. He notes the slight annoyance in your features a moment later. “The King will like you quite a bit.”

“When can I expect for this ‘King’ to present himself?” You prop an elbow up on the counter and give one last forlorn glance around the bar in the hopes that someone will come over your way, but it’s to no avail.

“Patience, human. The show hasn’t even begun yet.” He motions towards the middle of the bar, the starkly empty space with a glossy stage set in the center with only a microphone held delicately in its stand and nothing else. You had been hoping to make this a speedy trip — a quick in and out with your deal made and nothing else — but it seems you won’t be having that luxury. And it is a bit frustrating, honestly, to come to this place with the expectation of having a demon cater to you and your wants only to be told that you aren’t certain enough for these supernatural beings, so you’ll have to wait on a demon who won’t cater to you or come to you immediately.

You take a quick swig of your alcohol with the desperate hope that perhaps drinking will make you more certain of what you want, although you already know it won’t. The bartender offers a shrug in response to your annoyance then pulls away to tend to other customers, and you take it as an invitation to swivel in your stool and face the stage. It’s still fucking empty, but at least it gives you a better view than the old wood of the counter that now sits under your elbows.

“Leave it to men to make me wait on them, demon or not,” you mutter under your breath, breath fogging the side of your glass a bit.

You nearly choke on the liquid inside in your next breath because the swirling red neon lights come to a halt on the center of the stage, and the suddenness of the shifting lights startles you so much that you have to sit up straight and inhale deeply to keep from coughing on the alcohol in your mouth. The hazed mist hovering above the floor of the bar seems to swirl towards the stage under the beams of light. You watch the movements as though in a trance, slowly leaning forward until your elbows come to rest on your knees. Out of everyone in the bar, you seem to be the only one interested in what’s going on at the center of the room. Mind you, everyone else is preoccupied: demons with their humans, and humans with the mask-wearing demons who cater to their desires. And while you have no reason to be so intrigued by the scene before you, you truly cannot bring yourself to look away, especially as the dull thrum of music in the bar heightens and gains momentum.

There is no way of describing the sounds rumbling around you. Perhaps if you were fully in your senses, you would be able to distinguish the instruments and beats of the song, but the bass clogs your mind and leaves you squinting at the hazy stage. It could be poetic, the way a lone figure pushes his way through the crowds of the bar like he holds all the power in the universe, studded black leather jacket slung around his shoulders. And as the red lights come over him, you can see his features better. Dusty brown hair that shines a bit, one side exposed and cut shorter than the other, which has bangs that hang loose over the side of his face. Metal bars line both ears, another near the end of his left brow, and a final more intricate one that loops around the middle of his lip and connects to two long metal chains. You follow the path of those chains with your eyes, watching them trail downwards until they loop around his chest and disappear behind his jacket. It’s just a black turtleneck that he wears underneath the dramatic leather regalia and chains but somehow he makes the garment look expensive. You dare glance a bit lower, just enough to make out the frayed and distressed jeans that cling to his skin like a vice, leaving hints of enticing skin underneath to peek through. You can’t see his feet thanks to the fog, but you can practically hear his footsteps drumming in your ears with the rise and fall of his shoes.

Simply put, you are entranced by the sight of this man — if he can even be called that, because you wouldn’t find yourself at all surprised should he reveal himself to be a demon on the tail end of this encounter. He barely looks up from the floor on his trek to the stage, only stopping when he comes before the mic stand and exhales against it in a way that sends shivers down your spine. It’s hardly reasonable for any creature to hold your attention in the palm of his hand the way this one does, but there is no chance of you looking away now, especially as his voice begins to drawl through the microphone and coat your ears like honey. There are words, you recognize enough in the music to know that it should be a song you’re familiar with, but none of them truly process in your daze.

It’s all you can do to just sit there and watch his performance. Between the gentle sways of his shoulders and hips, the teasing drag of his tongue over his lower lip whenever there is a break in his lyrics, and the overall intoxicating nature his aura exudes, you are hooked on every breath he takes. You don’t realize how relaxed your body has become under his spell until it’s too late, and that happens to be the last note of the song as well. It is accentuated with the drop of the glass in your hand and a sharp shatter of the cup against the floor. And just as you inhale a startled gasp and break out of your reverie, his deep crimson eyes flicker over to find yours across the bar. Those twisting lips churn something ugly in your gut. You can’t find the strength in your body to move.

“Mine.”

Your heart leaps in your chest as the word leaves his lips, and while you can’t hear it grate against your ears, you can clearly read his lips enough to know what he’s saying.

His eyes glint a bit in the darkness. It shouldn’t leave you wanting more, but that bitter taste of curiosity is nipping at the back of your throat, and you are far too intrigued to turn back now. You just want more. If he seems to understand that at all from the gleam in your eyes, he makes good on it, stepping off the stage and letting his hand drag over the mic in a way that is almost tantalizing. Step after step, he comes closer to you with his lips still curled into a smirk, and the way the lights hit him makes him seem to glisten and glow in the darkness. You don’t realize you’ve been holding your breath until he breaches your personal space and you release a shaky exhale that seems to fog in the air between you. He stretches a hand out to close the space between your bodies and curls his index finger under your chin. The touch is simultaneously hot and cold — your whole body seems to light on fire under it, yet at the same time, the chill in your bones deepens to an alarming degree.

“What is it you desire above all other things?” You can hear him now, loud and clear, and whilst you heard his singing beforehand, the simple rasp and lilt to his regular tone is something that has you unashamedly weak in the knees. “I can give you everything,” he whispers as he presses closer to you. Your knees brush against his form but he keeps on pushing forward until he’s slotted himself between them. The chain hanging from his lips rattles like a chime, singing its unknown song like church bells in the night, although you are far from God and heaven now. “All you need to do is ask.”

You cling to some semblance of reason while you can, knowing full well that it will all leave you soon enough, but for now, it lets you choke out a single statement that has the demon before you laughing under his breath.

“That’s not how it works.”

“And who are you to tell me how it works?” His finger curls a bit harder at your chin, and you can feel the blunt of his nail scraping over your skin. Your eyes are glued to his, so enamored and consumed that you can’t even think to look anywhere else.

In that moment, it is as though the universe is nothing but a speck of dust in the corner of your vision. Something so raw and whole like the man standing before you is all-powerful and vigilant in a way that has every nerve in your body at full attention, ready for whatever his next step might be. And that turns out to be quite the curveball as it seems because he leans closer to you, breath intermingling with yours, and you subconsciously curve your back into his touch to reach him closer. Still, even though you physically show how ready and desperate for the touch you are, he waits and glances over your features.

“What is it you desire from me, human?”

You have to vehemently restrain yourself from simply saying ‘you’ and getting on with it.

“Your name.”

“Is that all you would have from me?” As a demon, it is his life’s work to know the inner-workings of the festering desires of humans. You have no doubt in your mind that he knows exactly what is it you want, even if you are not sure of it yourself, and you do not doubt that he won’t use that to his advantage either. But that’s what you asked for in coming here, and that is exactly what you both expected and wanted out of this.

Perhaps it is shameful, but just for once, you wanted to surrender control. Too often are you asked to have everything set out and planned and under control, and too often do you find yourself wanting someone to just tell you what it is you should do. That could be why the bartender labeled you as ‘uncertain’ because even in this moment of vulnerability, there is still the thinnest thread of thought tethering you to that control. And as of now, you want nothing more than for this demon before you to break that thread.

“I would have your name before I asked for anything else from you. Calling you demon over and over would certainly wear out its welcome, no?”

“That all depends on the context, my dear. But… you can call me Hongjoong, if that’s suitable to your tongue.”

“Hongjoong,” you try, testing the way the name rolls off your tongue in such a delicate manner that the demon before you flutters his lashes a bit.

“Sounds so pretty coming from lips so innocent.” He tilts his head to the side, and the movement flashes the pretty expanse of skin below his jaw. You aren’t shy in the way you let your gaze slip over it before trailing back up to meet his eyes again. “Would you close your eyes for me, doll?” He doesn’t have to ask. He could just make you do so with no resistance but still, he asks as though you could say no if you wanted to. You don’t though, and as such, your eyelids fall shut and your vision turns to black for the time being. “Do you know who I am?”

“Th-The bartender called you the King.”

“And do you understand what that means? Truly understand with every fiber of your being?” The question is heavy on your bones, and it is one that you feel like you should know the answer to yet you can’t find any response to his inquiry. Perhaps he means to confuse you because you hear the soft huff of a laugh fall from his lips. “King of the Underworld, Lord of the Dead. Some would call me Pluto, others Hades, it varies from religion to religion and in every culture. Sometimes I pick up rather banal and common names, other times I find myself seeking something extravagant and luxurious. Now… Hongjoong will be a good middle-ground for us.”

You should be falling to the floor in absolute shock due to his words, but the steady finger under your chin keeps you steady. That and the growing fear in your gut as you come to realize that this man holds so much power in just his pinky finger and could absolutely crush you under his heel whenever he wishes. What are you to a god besides an insignificant fleck of dust on the pavement?

“And what of your appearance? Is that… manifested as well?” You dare to ask.

“I have many faces, yes, but this one is one I wear boldly and frequently. You could say it is my natural form. After so many millennia of fantastical myths and legends, however, I’m sure that would seem odd to you.”

“Are you truly a demon then?”

“King of demons, yes. Whether I am truly a demon myself is something that could be ambiguous, I suppose, but if they are all part of my creations, then would that not make me one myself? Though you could say they are all fragments of my own being, making them all mythical gods. It’s all a matter of perspective; however, I doubt that you came searching this place for a lesson on perspectives.”

“No, I came for…” You trail off, and that blossoming uncertainty from before presents itself again.

“There are two things your heart wants right now. One, I can give you with ease and grace, only if you would allow it. That desire is a fleeting one, however, and I do not think it is what you are truly after in being here. The second… that is a wish I cannot deliver, and I think you are more than aware of that. The reason everyone left you to me is because of what you want. It is a domain only I could ever touch.”

You blink your eyes open in haste, searching his deep crimson gaze for some sort of confirmation of the words. The demon dares to look forlorn and lets his stare drop to the floor rather than looking you directly in the eye. Confusion blossoms in your gut. Yes, you figured there was a slim chance that your wish could not be granted, but still you clung to the desperate hope that maybe there was just a small window of opportunity for such a wish to be granted.

“Death is irreversible,” the demon, Hongjoong as he wishes to be called, says in a quiet tone. “I cannot give that which you want more than anything else.”

“Then what can you give?” You ask, squeezing your eyes shut as tight as possible to keep your emotions from slipping out the corners.

“One of two things: I can give you time to speak with him once more or I can make you forget the pain.”

“And if I choose the latter?”

“It would make you forget everything about him and leave you with no memory of him at all.” Hongjoong exhales a small sigh, the bouncing rhythms of the bass rumbling against your ears along with the sounds of his breaths. “You need not decide right this instant. The payment will be the same either way, so we can settle that first if you’d like.”

“W-Wait,” you stammer. You dare to open your eyes once more. “How would I be able to speak to him if you can’t bring him back?”

“I cannot bring him back the way you want. He… he is gone, and though I am the King of the Dead, there are powers even I do not have. Bringing him back to life is impossible, but I can create a doorway for the two of you to speak through for a short period of time. I have no control over how long it would be, just a forewarning. That is all up to him and his willingness to see you.”

“I can’t imagine he wouldn’t want to see me,” you murmur, but the pang in your chest tells you otherwise.

“Sometimes, death and the underworld change fundamental parts of people. They are no longer alive, after all, and as such, those human vices and personality traits dissipate. How you knew him in life could be vastly different than the spirit who now resides in my domain. It is all a matter of weighing risks, my dear. What matters most to you? Remembering him or him remembering you?”

“So if I ask to see him, I would remember him but there’s a chance that he would have no recollection of me? And should I ask to forget, there will be no way of knowing whether he remembers me in the afterlife or not?”

“Precisely.”

That is a hefty bargain to weigh. It is almost too much for your shoulders just to think about it. One is starkly more selfish than the other, but if he’s dead, what good will selflessness do you? It won’t bring him back, that’s for sure. Either you are left with the painful realization that he does not have any memory of you in the afterlife, or you forget it all to avoid that pain. Maybe thinking about the payment before deciding would be a good idea after all.

“As for the payment? How many years do I owe you?” Demons have no use for human currency or trinkets that could be traded for favors. You can barter the only thing you have — years of life. Whether it shortens your lifespan or turns you into a personal slave for a certain amount of time, that is a price you must be willing to pay for such services. You are more than prepared to barter it all off right now if need be.

“None,” Hongjoong answers coolly, and you quirk a brow upwards at the nonchalance in his tone. “I do not deal in years of life. Not often, at least. My abilities are bound in… passion. Lovemaking, fornication, sex, fucking – whatever you wish to call it. Of course, it wouldn’t have to be that exactly, should you not desire that. The other option is a blood pact, a ritual that would take hours to complete, although both could take quite some time depending on your stamina.” There’s a breath of silence that allows Hongjoong’s lips to twist into a suggestive grin, and heat brushes the base of your neck as you fight off waves of embarrassment. “I cannot guarantee that the blood pact would be painless. With sex, I could at least provide some comfort that the pain would only be temporary; however, the choice is yours. Both are binding and would mean that you could never make a deal with another demon again, and you would be marked as mine for eternity.”

“What does being yours entail?”

“Nothing diabolical or unsavory, I promise. Just… when the time comes for you to pass on and join the Underworld, you would take a place at my side.”

“How many people have you laid claim to? Did they all agree to the same terms? How can I trust your word?” The questions tumble from your lips without relent.

“For what you desire, the cost is far less than what I would usually ask for. Those lucky enough to deal with me in the past paid less for their debts. The blood pact… the fornication… both are binding elements. The real cost is your service. Most have agreed to give me their servitude in the afterlife, all with their own places in my domain. That is what you would be offering as well. You will live just as long as you would without making this deal but make up for it after your death.”

“And that’s it?”

Hongjoong’s eyes twinkle a bit under the lights above your heads.

“What did you expect from me, doll? Savagery? Unfairness? Everyone deserves a fair price for what they want, regardless of station in life or status in society.”

“Deal,” you utter without any more hesitation, blinking up into Hongjoong’s dark orbs. There lies a lingering sense of regret in your gut, one that you cannot chase away no matter how hard you try, but you do not need to dwell on it any longer.

“And how would you like to bind our deal, my dear? Neither can be handled immediately. The blood pact requires special preparations for the ritual, but the other — I would not have you in such a place as dirty as this.”

“I-I, um, sex will work just fine,” you bite out, the skin of your cheek caught between your teeth.

“Then when the time comes that you are ready with your decision on what it is you truly want, all you need to do is take this—” Hongjoong retracts his hand from where it rests gently against the column of your throat and digs into one of his pockets. He pulls out a gilded card, one that is black and gold with flecks of red across the surface, but there are no other adornments to the material. “Tear it in half and it will bring you to our meeting place, and I will join you there to seal the deal. Should you decide that you do not want this after all, then all you need to do is burn the card. The decision lies in your hands, and yours alone.” He has to lift one of your limp hands and forcefully place the card into your waiting palm, closing his fingers around yours to make you cling to the item.

“I – th-thank you,” you stammer as you blink from your closed hand to Hongjoong’s features.

“The pleasure is all mine, doll.”

Those are the last words you hear from the demon before he slips away from you, the dense fog lingering in the air swirling up around his body, and within moments, his shadowy form disappears entirely from sight. The air grows cold around you once more. You are left with only the fleeting desire for that warmth to return, for you to feel less alone than you are in that moment, and even if it’s the briefest visit ever you just want one last chance to tell your lost lover how you feel without mistakes this time.

///

The night, as per usual, is cold and unforgiving. It allows for too many opportunities to be alone with lost feelings and thoughts. It has been weeks (if not months) since you visited that dingy club and your fateful meeting with none other than the King of the Dead. Yet you are still here, wallowing in the memories that you’ve been left to suffer with alone, and the gilded black card sits in your nightstand untouched. You open the drawer just to stare at it from time to time, when the nights are particularly rough, and it already had begun collecting a thin layer of dust the last few times you looked at it.

It isn’t that you haven’t made your decision about what you want from your deal with Hongjoong. The more terrifying fact is that you are fully aware of what it is you want, and you simply cannot rectify the guilt that comes along with the pure selfishness of your decision. The feeling is so potent that it swarms your every thought. You know it wouldn’t be an issue once you meet with Hongjoong; the demon will take it all away and leave you with nothing. You won’t even know enough to be guilty any longer, but the pain of committing to the decision is strong enough to make you sick to your stomach.

Wooyoung — the one who suggested you go to the club and make the deal in the first place — will not shut up about how worried he is about you. You won’t recall the deal or why you made it, so what’s holding you back? A temporary guilt that won’t exist longer than a few seconds once you’re actually in Hongjoong’s presence? As he said, you just need to swallow the feeling and get on with it. Prolonging the regrets any longer won’t do you any good.

You huff out a quiet laugh in the silence of your darkened room. The black gilded card taunts you again now, gleaming up at you through the shadows with its faint hints of gold and red. Maybe Wooyoung is right and the only way to get rid of missed opportunities is to forget about them entirely. Yeosang was but a chapter in your life, one that is past and gone now, and as Hongjoong said, there is no reversing death. Seeing him one last time won’t give you anything but pain.

You stretch a shaky hand towards the card in the drawer. It’s cold to the touch, dust billowing up with even the slightest touch of your fingers. You have to dig your nail under the material to pull it up, and once it’s safely set in your palm, you drag your thumb over the surface to brush the dirt away. No words on the surface, no sign that it has been touched by a demon, and not even a hint as to what it could possibly be for.

It is surprisingly flexible, at least moreso than you would have imagined, and you give it a few testing bends to see how easy it would be to break. Hongjoong simply gave you the instruction to tear it in half and that was all. You don’t expect him to suddenly materialize before you on a whim, but surely such a creation is bound by some sort of magic on his part. It is hard enough to believe that demons are real living creatures, but magic as well? Maybe you’ve passed on and just don’t realize it yet. Still, you exhale one last huff of air into the darkness before letting your eyes flutter shut. Taking the card between your hands, you begin to slowly rip the material until it separates with the force, torn in two mismatched pieces.

Nothing fantastical happens.

That fact alone is so overwhelmingly disappointing that you really think for a moment that Hongjoong was just some goth rocker in a stoner bar who pulled an elaborate trick on you. It can’t be too difficult to get your hands on some weird red-toned contacts and weave some elaborate story about being the King of Hell. You could do that yourself. Why did you think he was incapable of such a charade?

Because he knew what you wanted without you having to say it.

Yes, well, Wooyoung claimed that your regrets and grief were evident in your features every time he looked at you. Maybe Hongjoong could see it as well.

You fall back onto your bed, flattening your back against the mattress with a small shout of frustration. The urge to cry is strong; if you’ve spent all these weeks uselessly worrying over something that could all be a farce, you don’t even know how you would react. You squeeze your eyes shut tight, blinking away the tears that blossom in the corners there as best you can. The rolling emotions in your system distract you from the sudden shift in temperature, and before you know it heat washes over you and fills the void of cold in your body. You jerk but refuse to sit up quite yet, eyes flying open in your shock only to choke on air as a bright golden light fills your vision and swarms you with warmth. The cushion under your body doesn’t feel the same either; it is not your bed, it’s too plush and soft, too warm under you, and you feel like you are absolutely drowning in the sensation.

Gold flickers above you, twinkling lights that glisten like small stars above you, and the ceiling is so dark that you nearly think it’s just an opening to the night sky. You sit up in a mad panic. The gold and red decorations littering the far too lavish room barely process in your vision as you look for a way out, and you don’t even see the figure coming up along your side until he’s upon you. A hand stretches out to brush over your forehead. You nearly shriek in your state of terror, but the sound is all but stolen from your lungs instead.

“It’s only me, doll. You’re safe.”

Hongjoong. Ah, Hongjoong. Then… he was telling the truth. It wasn’t a farce or a deception meant to be a game. He claimed to be the Devil Incarnate, and here he stands before you in a room too rich and exquisite for words. You can’t find it in you to think he’s lying now.

You dare to glance up and meet his gaze, finding it so soft on your face that you have the audacity to blush under his stare despite the things you’ll be doing with him soon enough.

“Have you made your decision then?” He asks, tone soft and light. It isn’t one that demands an immediate answer. You know he could ask what took you so long to decide, complain about your hesitance, say that you kept him waiting for far too long — instead, he exudes patience with you, hand slowly combing over your forehead down to your cheek and brushing over the skin there with a touch so featherlight that you almost don’t realize it’s there at all.

“I-I have,” you whisper like the two of you aren’t the only ones in the room and it’s a secret meant only for your ears.

“What would you have from me first then? As I told you before, the payment is the same regardless of your decision, and as such, we can bind the deal first if you’d rather.”

You swallow around nothing. There is no harm in going through with the decision now, but your nerves are so frazzled and out of sorts that you almost desire the sex simply as a means of stress relief. Hongjoong steps in front of you, fully coming into view, and you are shocked at how… mundane he looks. You blink fervently at the man — demon, rather — and take in the gentle part of his hair, the soft glow of his skin that makes him look simply ethereal under this light. He hardly looks like a demon to you; his features are too smooth and perfect for that, from the curves of his lips to the even line of his nose. Although you suppose that’s all he wants you to see, yet it still seems oddly intimate to a certain degree.

“You aren’t worried that I’ll try to run away after my wish is fulfilled?” You ask. Hongjoong arches his brows at you, and his neutral expression slips into one of momentary shock.

“Where are you going to go, my dear? I brought you to this place, and you will need me to send you back once we’re done here.”

It sinks in at that moment how you are completely at his mercy right now. Not that you had any plans of running away, but the question was moreso just to test the waters, see if he is truly as merciful as his features make him out to be. The underlying danger in his tone proves your point and sends a chill down your spine.

“Is that something I ought to be worried about, doll? Should I claim you now to make sure you keep your end of the bargain?” The question sits on your ear like warm honey. It chokes you, fills your senses with Hongjoong’s scent, and you almost find yourself leaning into his curling lips before catching yourself. That seems to pique his interest in the very least, and his smile twists a bit more. “The decision is in your hands as always. I won’t do anything you don’t give me explicit permission to do.”

“Permission granted,” you mutter before catching a hand on Hongjoong’s collar. “Do it all.” You aren’t too worried about damaging his clothes as he’s not wearing anything drastically fancy or expensive-looking, and thus you twist your fist into a ball around the fabric of his black tee and yank him down to your height. He bends at the waist, hands catching on the mattress before his forehead can smack hard against yours. There’s a bit of tension in his neck, and that keeps him far enough back so that he doesn’t kiss you quite yet. It’s almost as though he is waiting for something else, eyes carefully tracing your features with great care before he settles on your lips, and a sharp inhale of breath follows before that thin line in his composure snaps.

His lips hit yours with a surprising amount of force, and the kiss isn’t at all what you were expecting — well, to be more accurate, you aren’t quite sure what you were expecting in the first place. It’s much more pleasant than you could have imagined though, and Hongjoong isn’t shy with the touch at all. His tongue is quick to swipe over your lower lip, hands darting upwards to brush over your sides before reaching your face, and he brings a knee down on the mattress to support his weight as he leans over you. You follow the motion when he pushes forward and lean back until you have no choice but to scoot back on the bed. Hongjoong moves with you with the same amount of fervor, still pressed to your lips without relent, and you don’t even think to stop as he completely drapes himself over your body, knees still up and supporting his weight. The cushion of the mattress dips by your head, a telltale sign that he’s placed his hands there, and you use that as your opportunity to stop for air. Hongjoong surely has no need to breathe like you do since he is undead, but he still pants above you, chest heaving as a pretty flush rises to his cheeks.

“Putting that much power in a demon’s hands is dangerous, is it not?” He mutters. You let your lashes flutter shut as he moves back to your lips, hot breath ghosting over your skin. “Are you sure you want to do that?”

“I’ll tell you if it’s something I don’t like,” you murmur, opening an eye to peek at him. He meets your gaze with a soft laugh, but your answer seems to please him enough to bring his attention back to your lips. You inhale as his tongue breaches your mouth and pushes into the wet cavern inside. There’s no chance for you to fight back for any sort of dominance because he only thrusts deeper and coats the inside of your mouth with his taste until you can feel his tongue brushing over your palate. A quiet moan reverberates through your throat and against his lips. You feel the barest hint of a smile in the kiss, then his lips are suddenly gone from yours. You gasp for air with the freedom. Heat pools in the depths of your gut, a pleasant one that leaves you wanting more, and you aren’t sure if it’s simply been so long since you last had sex or if Hongjoong truly has that effect on you.

He returns to touching your body a moment later, hands trailing to the row of buttons on your nightshirt, and one by one, he pulls them apart until the material is barely clinging to your skin. His lips replace his fingers then. First at your jaw placing a wet trail of kisses and soft nips that leave you with goosebumps. Then he reaches the midpoint of your sternum and rests the flat of his tongue there, tasting and teasing your skin until you can do nothing but writhe under him because he is taking so damn long. Your impatience is laughable to him, as evidenced by the quiet huff of air that leaves him next.

“I want to taste every inch of you,” he mumbles against the skin of your stomach, hands pulling your nightshirt away to expose more of the skin underneath. He makes good on his words, and that damn tongue traces lower and lower until he reaches the band of your pants and underwear. You instinctively dart a hand down to tangle in his hair. “F-Fuck.” The curse slips out when you give an accidental tug to the hair close to his nape, and you nearly think that you’ve hurt him in some manner until you catch sight of the blissed-out expression on his features.

“D-Do you — can I…?”

“Do it harder while I eat you out,” he growls. His fingers close hard around the remainders of your close, and you don’t even have time to nod before he’s yanking both your pants and underwear down in one fell swoop. It leaves you more than a little exposed — you’re suddenly nearly nude before the demon who is still fully clothed, and that realization draws your thighs tight together in a sudden rush of embarrassment. You swallow hard around nothing, eyes darting away from Hongjoong’s prying gaze.

All of a sudden, he shrugs your hand off his hair and sits back on his heels. You don’t understand what his reasoning is until you settle your eyes back on his body. He’s leaned back to start stripping layers of clothes off in a rush, hands fumbling and struggling to pull them away in an orderly manner. There is no composure to his actions, only a hastened fervor that has him tossing his shoes far from the bed along with random articles of clothes until he’s laid fully bare before you. You really try your hardest not to glance down at his… you know, but the urge is overwhelming. Before you can even catch a glimpse, however, Hongjoong is on you again, hands latched around your thighs and pulling you to the edge of the bed as he kneels before you on the floor. The sudden movement has you squealing in surprise, and that noise is broken off into a startled moan when Hongjoong’s lips brush through your folds without warning.

“O-Oh god,” you gasp out. Hongjoong’s tongue gives a long and dragging pull through your heat, teasing some of the juices out of you with little restraint.

“Far from it actually,” he replies against your clit. A cheeky grin eats away at his features, but it quickly disappears as he returns his focus to your cunt. Your hand finds its way back down to his hair once more and tugs hard at the strands. Each tweak of his tongue through your folds has your legs jerking a bit, and he has to tighten his grip on your thighs to keep you from moving so much under his touch.

“I’m not — I w-won’t last, pl-please, I–” You can’t even finish the sentence as Hongjoong flicks the tip of his tongue right over your clit and cuts you off. He repeats that same motion, again and again, brings you right to the precipice of an orgasm only to tear you back down from it with soft kisses pressed to the outside of your folds. You can’t keep track of how many times he repeats that process, but it is more than enough to have you shaking from exhaustion and desperation even though you haven’t even been able to come yet.

“Are you going to beg for it, doll?” Hongjoong hums after what feels like hours of pleasurable torture. “I promised to make you feel good, did I not? You just have to tell me what you want.” His words are so taunting that it burns you with embarrassment. The need for that orgasm hangs on every nerve ending of your body, and you could cry just out of the need to come.

“Please,” you whisper in a tone broken from constant moans and cries.

“Be more specific.” It’s so cruel. He dangles the promise of pleasure before your eyes again, this time nipping ever so gently at your bud, and you really do cry this time, fingers digging harshly on his scalp. That draws a prolonged growl from his lips, and it reverberates against you so nicely that you could come from that. Hongjoong pulls his head back too soon though and the sensation is dashed away.

“N-No, no, please. P-Please, Hongjoong, I — please let me come. I need it, I need it so badly. Shit, just – just please let me come,” you wail as tears slip out the corners of your eyes and spill onto the sheets under you. That’s the breaking point for him as well, or so it would seem, because the next time his mouth brushes through your cunt, he doesn’t relent. You come undone on his tongue, riding out the waves of your intense orgasm as he fucks his wet muscle into your heat. He won’t stop chuckling either — a low noise that just prolongs the pleasure and makes you quiver from overstimulation. He doesn’t let up until a dry and choked sob pushes past your lips.

Suddenly he is back up on the bed, bent over your body to be eye to eye with you. His fingers trace over your wet cheeks then clasp hard around your jaw.

“Too much?”

“N-No,” you stammer through the wet cries. “So good. So so good.”

“Mm, can you take my cock too, doll?” He all but purrs the words against your skin. His soft and trailing kisses return to your skin, peppering the line of your jaw just past his fingers.

“Yes, please, I c-can. Please. I want i-it all.” You never thought you could sound so overwhelmingly desperate, but the tumbling sensation that swerves through your stomach as Hongjoong’s demeanor shifts has you falling into absolute shambles. He shifts your position, pushing you up higher to rest against the pillows, and you start to drape your legs around his waist. That must not be the position he had in mind though, because his hand clamps down hard on one of your calves and pushes it to the top of his shoulder. Before you can even blink, he does the same with your other leg, effectively folding you in half and into a position you weren’t even aware that your body was capable of. That shock is momentary as you feel the tip of what must his cock rubbing over your pulsating hole. You can’t do anything but ball your fists around the sheets under you and cling to them like a vice. It’s the only thing that can prepare you for his girth; the stretch may not be as much as you thought it would be, but it still stings like a bitch even after he bottoms out in you. That pain must be showing on your features – in the way your brows are tightly knit together and your eyes are screwed shut so that excess tears from earlier slip out.

The soft caress of lips touches your forehead. It’s so gentle and delicate that you nearly miss it in your efforts to grow used to the sensation between your legs, but Hongjoong repeats it time and time again until your breathing steadies and your chest stops heaving as much. It’s only then that he dares to resituate his hips. You crack an eye open to look at him, and it’s abundantly clear that he’s trying his hardest to hold back and keep from fucking into you with reckless abandon.

“I’m okay now,” you whisper, pulling a hand off the bedsheets to brush some loose strands of hair out of Hongjoong’s vision. “Please fuck me as hard as you’d like.” You snake the same hand around the back of his neck. When he still doesn’t move, you offer a sharp tug to the hair that falls over his sweat-slick nape, and that spurs him into action. His hips snap roughly against yours, pushing your back further into the crude curve it’s already in. Now that the dull throbbing pain has dissolved into a sensation of pleasure, you drown yourself in the drag of his member inside you. It’s quite possibly the best feeling you’ve had all night with the way his tip rubs over your bundle of nerves at just the right angle.

Hongjoong drops his elbows to the pillow under your head, and you greet him with a kiss that is mostly just an awkward clash of teeth for the most part. He gains enough composure to shift the angle to one that’s easier for both of you, hips still working hard as he rocks into you with the same force and speed as before. You are so lost in the euphoria that you can’t even feel your next orgasm sneaking up on you, but when it does, it pulls a noiseless scream from your lips. Hongjoong mouths at the corner of your lips as you ride it out. He still seems far off from his own high, even as he slows the pulses of his thrusts. You claw your way back from the high of your orgasm to grip his hair tighter and pull him closer to you.

“In me. I need you to come in me or not at all,” you demand through a huffed out sigh. It’s a moment of throwing caution to the wind, one that is quite worth it thanks to the expression of hunger and lust that fills Hongjoong’s face.

“You can’t just say things like that, doll,” he growls into the shell of your ear. You try to laugh but he interrupts you with a thrust harsher than any of the ones before. Every sound that falls from your lips now is stuttered and broken at the seams, and you let him fuck you with that same level of passion until he finally seems to tire and lose his rhythm. The only warning you have that he’s about to orgasm is the slight whine to his tone when he moans next. You push what strength you have left into clenching hard around his cock, and that is ultimately what tips him over the edge and pulls a delightful moan from his lips as he spills into your tight heat. He releases his hold on your legs, letting them slip away from his shoulders and back into a more comfortable position on the bed, but he refuses to move off your body.

You aren’t sure how long the two of you stay like that: with Hongjoong continually mouthing small kisses to the underside of your jaw and you just staring blankly at the glittering ceiling with a mind nearly empty. However much time passes doesn’t quite matter because once you recover your senses enough to be coherent again, you recall what is supposed to come next. Shaky hands find their way to Hongjoong’s arms and trail up to rest atop his back.

“Take it all away,” you exhale through a pant, hands clinging desperately to the milky skin of Hongjoong’s shoulders. “I don’t want to remember him anymore.” His chest heaves against yours, and a few loose strands of dark hair fall forward to stick to his sweat-slick forehead. This time when he kisses you, it is hot and searing, a brand against your lips, one that burns the inside of your mouth and sets your tongue alight. The sensation slips down the back of your throat, fills your gut, burns you from the inside out, and all your thoughts go hazy under the touch of his lips. With that one kiss, Hongjoong takes it all away. He gives into your desires, heeds your wishes, and grants you the ultimate peace and serenity you so deeply craved. He continues to cling to you like he’s never held something so desperately or lost in his infinite existence. You return the embrace in full while you can, strength already leaving you in the afterglow of your fornication, and you rake your nails down over his back if only to leave him with some sort of trophy to leave with. He is already leaving with your memories though, a trophy to hold close to his heart should there ever be a time when you ask for them to be returned to you. Perhaps in your afterlife, you’ll ask for them back, and Hongjoong would gladly give them should it be what you desire.

That is what he is, after all. As much as he takes, the Demon King of the Underworld gives in return, where he can with what he can. His duty, his bond, the sole purpose for his existence is to maintain that balance between giving and taking. But if it’s for you — a creature so lost, dismal, and hopeless — perhaps he can tip the scales a bit further in your direction.

At least, that’s what he thinks as you curve your body into his and press your lips with more fervor than before. That maybe, just maybe, endless years of his own hopelessness and confusion were all meant to lead him to finding this: a purpose in his undying life.

﹎﹎﹎

#atzinc #kdiarynet #kwritersworldnet #ateez smut #ateez x reader #ateez angst #ateez imagine #ateez imagines #ateez oneshot #ateez scenarios #hongjoong smut #hongjoong x reader #hongjoong angst #hongjoong imagine #hongjoong imagines #hongjoong oneshot #hongjoong scenarios

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drarrily-we-row-along · 3 years

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Ok I don't want to throw hate unnecessarily fr take it as a creative criticism. At first when you started writing the drabbles I loved them too but after a while, even though the prompts changed, the concepts were just redundant( I mean the way you write out every story) At this point there's no reason to even continue writing these drabbles if it's just gonna be the same thing. It's so boring rn the same way they confess to each other in every prompt, they just suddenly confess,and also somehow end up loving each other secretly, them being so good to each other and nothing about school rivalry, I mean I know they're just drabbles but I've read what you wrote at first so I just think that you can do better. I hope what I said didn't hurt you if it did then im sorry

Hey friend!

Oof. Checking my notifications when I wake up in the middle of the night has finally bitten me in the ass.

I’ve written and rewritten this a couple of times because I’m having trouble not getting emotional about it.

Let’s start here: “I know they’re just drabbles”. You’re right, they are just drabbles. I don’t like to write things that don’t end happily, so in a drabble that’s only a few scenes long there’s only so much development I can do. I’ve actually said in several posts that I’m not a great drabble writer for this very reason. Maybe you’ll enjoy the longer, multi chapter things I’ve written when I find the time to post them. (Or maybe you won’t. 🤷🏼‍♀️)

Next: “they just suddenly confess, and also somehow end up loving each other secretly”. I like to think the ‘suddenly’ bit is because I’m bad at writing drabbles where there is limited space to build up to it, maybe that’s my pride speaking though. But ‘loving each other secretly’ is a little confusing to me. Do you mean that you’d like to see it be one-sided more often? (If that’s the case, loop back to the paragraph prior- I write things that have a sense of being happily completed.) Or do you mean that they shouldn’t be surprised that the feeling is mutual? Are you wanting one of them to confess and the other to say, “yeah, obviously. I’ve already planned our wedding.”? I just don’t get what you’re hoping for.

And I might have thought from those two bits that you meant you were sick of love confessions and want more established relationship drabbles but you go on to say that I address “nothing about their school rivalry”. In a drabble which is a couple of scenes at best I don’t have a lot of time to explore that and still end up with an ending that has them as even friends let alone together. (And these are drarry drabbles; they’re meant to end up together.)

I’m not entirely sure how to say the next bit without infusing my emotions into it. This part: “them being so good to each other” written as a complaint kind of gutted me. I don’t know what kind of world you live in, but mine feels shitty a lot of the time. I look at the world around me and I see so much pain, so much suffering, so much heart ache- I see people being unkind, people treating others disrespectfully, I see people who claim to love each other acting with anything but love. Things suck. And I can’t help but imagine that things suck for a lot of people. The world is desperate for a little tenderness. I am desperate for a little tenderness. At the end of the day, I want to put love and goodness into the world so I write about people being good to each other.

Let me briefly address these comments “I don’t want to throw hate unnecessarily but…” Justifying what you’re about to say with a precursor like that indicates that you know that the thing you’re about to say will be read that way. You reiterated it again at the end, “I hope what I said didn’t hurt your feelings”. Ooh boy. If what you want to say needs to end with an apology, maybe don’t say it, because all that says is ‘I know that I just said something hurtful but I don’t really care. I’m just trying to make myself feel like I’m still a good person’ because if you were really sorry, you wouldn’t have written it (or at the very least, you wouldn’t have sent it) in the first place. I say all of this only to ask that you not to send things like this to other people.

But you’re right. I could do better. I’m an amateur writer who only spends a couple hours a day writing fanfiction that I barely edit before I post. If I put in the time and energy I could probably write really beautiful things but I don’t have more to give at the moment. And maybe you’re right. Maybe these ficlets aren’t worth writing or reading anymore. Honestly the mean voice in my head says the same thing. My own internal monologue tells me that I am a one trick pony and asks me how many times I can possibly write about the same two idiots falling in love. As you say, the setting may change and the prompt may change, but the outcome doesn’t change.

But when that voice starts talking in my head I remember how many people have told me that the nonsense I write brightens their day. I remember the people who tell me that they love reading about the same two idiots falling in love over and over. Most importantly, I remember the people who say they want a relationship like that or that this version of Harry and Draco are “relationship goals”. I remember those people the most because if I can write something that helps people to know that they deserve to be treated like that, they deserve to be with someone who is good to them, then this isn’t a waste.

No, if my drabbles can brighten a day, or show the value of love, or help someone to know that they are worthy of love no matter what they’ve done or where they’ve come from, it’s not a waste.

And if it’s not doing that for you, if they’re boring, predictable, cliche, etc. that’s okay. Genuinely. You don’t have to like what I post. You don’t have to read what I post. Heck, you could start writing your own fanfiction so that it will be just what you want.

But I’m going to keep posting about these two being in love and being good to each other until it’s not doing any good.

Blessings on you and may you find what you’re looking for. ❤️

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perltiaqo · 3 years

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fav peraltiago moment each season

i don’t wanna study rn so i’m finally gonna do this

season 1- definitely the rooftop date during the bet. it’s the scene that made me fall for these 2 and become obsessed with them (just like how jake became obsessed with amy that night 🥰). plus jake seeing “i’m curious to see what happens” STILL GETS ME LIKE I STILL FEEL LIKE I WANNA SCREAM AND JUST TELL JAKE SO, SO MUCH HAPPENS

season 2- alotta good moments in s2 but my favourite is the heart eyes scene in boyle linetti wedding. the way they look at each other and that’s all u need to feel the tension, the love between these 2. they didn’t say a word to each other, just looked at each other AND U CAN FEEL THAT THEY JUST WANNA BE WITH EACH OTHER! i’m a sucker for good heart eyes scene i tell u and peraltiago really serve in that department.

season 3- their first i love u’s. such a simple scene, all they are doing is dancing on their silly little cruise. amy says ily, jake says it back. and they share a kiss. it’s such a simple moment which is what i love about it. they’re just hanging out, and that’s when amy felt it was best to say ily to him. she loves being with him, just hanging out with him. and the heart eyes after the kiss KILLS ME EVERYTIME! it’s an undderated scene.

season 4- jake’s speech to amy on the rooftop. the cutest thing ever. how i wish i had someone in my life who would motivate and instantly makes me feel better like how jake instantly made amy feel better. and the fact that jake already knew amy was the one during this scene makes it all the more better.

season 5- THE PROPOSAL! it’s my favourite scene ever literally. so so much i can say and i feel like i already have, but it’s just the perfect proposal. it just has everything jake and amy. toyst joke, die hard reference, referencing each other’s butt, and jake just talking about how much he loves amy. and then them looking deliriously happy when charles walks in, i cry everytime i love seeing them that happy 🥺🥺 i would do anything to rewatch this scene for the first time again

season 6- that elevator scene at the end of casecation. another heart eyes scene making it on the list can u tell i love their heart eyes?? first time we see them talking about family planning, and the way amy looks at him with that smile and jake smiles back with a smile 🥺 they were excited for their future ahead with each other, excited to share their life with a little jake and amy. andy and melissa really know how to convey the feelings with just the heart eyes like goddamn. jake and amy can look at each other and i’ll start crying. (and the fact that we got another elevator heart eyes scene? dan goor gets me)

season 7- this is hard, this season had so many good scenes. but if i had to choose, it would be the scene where amy tells jake she’s pregnant. i rmb i watched that scene on loop for like a good 5 mins the day after the ep aired 😭 it’s simple, nothing dramatic, it’s just a normal night where jake’s just playing his silly nintendo game. and then, his world changes forever, her world changes forever. and the way jake’s asks amy if they’re having a baby in the softest voice. and that hug 🥺🥺 JUST SO MANY GOOD THINGS ABOUT THAT SCENE

season 8- this is another tough one, but the finale jake and amy scene we got, where jake talks about leaving the 99. it gave me everything i wanted, jake becoming a stay at home dad, talking about how he loves spending time with his little buddy, him doing whatever for his family, amy telling jake she would anything for him, them just laughing at something silly, ilys, AND FINALLY A KISS! i couldn’t thank dan goor enough for this seriously it’s one of my all time favourite peraltiago scenes. but i have to give a special mention to the scene where amy just looks at jake while jake talks to holt, and jake just says that leaving the 99 wasn’t a hard decision to make. LIKE STOP IT BOTH OF U I DIED WATCHING IT IM NOT JOKING. just sat there speechless cus i couldn’t believe that happened. once again proving my point that i go crazy over heart eyes.

and there ya go, this took very long to type out and i’m sure there’s plenty of typos but at least i managed to do it <3

#b99 #brooklyn 99 #b99 spoilers #jake x amy #peraltiago #jake peralta #amy santiago #asks

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chaotic-noceur · 4 years

Text

if you love something, let it go

[ day 2 | angstageddon masterlist ]

pairing: Javier Peña x reader

summary: Javier is familiar with the concept of love, but it is not something he’ll allow himself to indulge in.

warnings: heavy angst, swearing, degradation (DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE NOT IN A GOOD MENTAL SPACE)

credits: shout out to my loves @din-damn-djarin @ezrasarm for beta reading and letting me hurt them at too-early-in-the-morning o’clock! Some dialogue was prompted by this shadowhunters clip.

a/n: I AM SORRY. I love every single one of you reading this but I’m an angry sad soul and it had to go somewhere 😬also, im a little all over the place rn so i might be a little slow on replies but im sending all of you virtual hugs!

Seriously, DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE NOT IN A GOOD HEAD SPACE.

gif by @pascvl

You lose your breath every time he walks into the room. Your heart beats faster when he passes by. Your skin tingles when his breath kisses your skin as he hovers over your shoulder. You think this is the feeling that they talk about in the movies. You think this is love. The thought makes your heart flutter.

His mind goes blank every time he sees you. His heart flares when he hears your laughter and he’s not the cause of it. His mind replays your conversations on an endless loop. He thinks this is the feeling that his father had told him about. He thinks this is love. The thought makes his stomach churn.

●●●●

The betting pool is started by a new trainee looking to make some quick cash. He bet that he could get a confession out of Javier Peña before the year was through. When word gets out that there’s a wager for the office’s resident grump to finally ‘get his head out of his ass and admit his feelings’, agents from every department are quick to place their bets. It didn’t take a trained agent to see that the pair of you were hopelessly in love.

The pool gets spread so far up the ranks that even Messina hears the whispers. She turns a blind eye to the childish game. She knows that the rumours of their infamous philanderer in love were only that: rumours, half truths, lies. A man with his history wouldn’t know what love was even if it was staring him in the face.

Days turn into weeks, which turn into months but no amount of meddling by the trainees is enough to draw out an admission of his affections. Steve watches you from his perch on Javier’s desk as his partner stabs at the typewriter keys. “You could just talk to 'em instead of destroying government assets.” There’s a smugness in his voice that tells Javier that his meddlesome partner is smirking.

“Fuck off Murphy.” Your laughter cuts through the bustling office chatter. Javier looks up to see a fresh-faced trainee leaning against your desk, taking up too much of your personal space for his liking. He grits his teeth and once again the sound of his furious typing takes over the room. Steve throws his hands up in mock surrender.

●●●●

The clearing of a throat has you turning your head over your shoulder, coffee pot in hand. Steve is leaning against the door frame with one eyebrow raised. You roll your eyes at him as you return to your coffee making.

“What do you want, Murphy?” you call over your shoulder, feigned curiosity lacing your voice. You know what he wants. He has that look in his eye, the one that says ‘how many more times do we need to have this talk’.

“Don’t give me that shit,” he starts. You raise an unamused eyebrow at him in return. He puts his mug down beside you, leans his hip against the counter and folds his arms as he turns to you. “If I have to slap him out of his daydream one more time, he won’t have a face anymore.” You scoff.

“You have no proof that he daydreams about me.” He opens his mouth to speak but your finger strikes his chest before he can. Coffee splashes against the inside of the pot dangerously as you move. “And even if he does, that doesn’t mean he’s in love with me.” Steve snorts at your words.

“Oh, he’s in love with you alright. He talks about you so much that even Connie’s getting fed up.” You shake your head in mock disbelief, an attempt to hide the sheepish smile creeping its way onto your face. The blond man sees right through your charade. “Just, tell him for fucks sake. I need my partner back if we’re gonna take down Escobar.”

You open your mouth to counter him but he’s out of the room before you can organise your thoughts. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice his empty cup sitting beside yours. You huff out a laugh, “idiot.”

●●●●

Two months and countless Steve-terventions later, you’d decided that enough was enough. You were getting tired of living in the ‘what ifs’. You wanted to love and be loved by Javier Peña.

The thought of planning some kind of grand extravagant gesture had crossed your mind but this was Javier you were talking about. He hated grand extravagant gestures. So you settled for just… telling him. No beating around the bush, no carefully-worded metaphors. Just you, your words and your heart. God, you hoped that was enough.

You’re getting ready to leave when the light reflecting off a nearby desk lamp catches your attention. Tracing it back to its source, you find Javier hunched over a heap of files. Spreads of paper are sprawled across every available surface. The corner of your lips turn upwards when he pulls a face at the document in front of him.

You purse your lips as you contemplate your options: talk to him now, with nowhere to hide from the consequences of your declaration or talk to him during official work hours, where you could be spared prolonged embarrassment. Dozens of scenarios play themselves out in your head, your familiar daydreams altering themselves to fit the scene before you. You let out a puff of air as you settle on talking to him now. Fewer witnesses, for good or for bad.

You dig around your drawer for your secret stash of snacks before making your way to him. He looks up when he hears the familiar rustling of the packet. A tired smile graces his face as you pull Steve’s chair around, dropping the packet onto his desk as you sit. You fall into the familiar routine and he hands you a nearby file. Occasionally, your elbows kiss and you exchange quiet apologies while pretending you don’t crave each other’s touch.

You’re sweeping stray sheets of paper into your hand when it dawns on you that the ‘right time’ will never come unless you make it. A determined exhale leaves you as you reach across his desk while he files the last of the paperwork. “I need to tell you something and I need you to listen to me.”

The way you’re looking at him sends a chill down his spine. There’s a fire behind your eyes that he’s never seen before and he doesn’t know what to expect. He nods solemnly instead. This is it, he thinks. She’s going to tell me that I’m a burden or that I’m a fuck up. He braces himself for the news.

“I…” his eyes are fixed on you and you glance away briefly as your confidence wavers. Just tell him. He loves you too. Steve assured you of it. The sheets of paper rustle in your hand as you tighten your grip. “I love you, Javi.”

Deep brown eyes widen in shock. His heart falters as the weight of your words sink in. He blinks at you hesitantly, wondering if he’d misheard. When you say nothing, fireworks explode in his belly as he searches for his words but- oh.

Why? Why him? Don’t you know of everything that he’s done? He left his high school sweetheart at the altar without so much as a goodbye. He didn’t even have the decency to send her an apology and he can barely bring himself to feel guilty. He’s lied, cheated, and killed without an ounce of remorse. Worst of all, he’d do it all again if it means getting Escobar. He was a monster and a killer. He doesn’t deserve love. Not after everything he’s done. Not after the way he treated his first one. So he does the logical thing. He pushes you away, puts up the barricades and lines them with barbed wire.

“You shouldn’t,” he replies. He jerks his arm away and turns his back to you, moving to store the file in the cabinet behind him.

“But I do. Javi, I-”

“No!” He slams the metal cabinet shut for emphasis. The scraping of rusty metal echoes through the room. You furrow your eyebrows in confusion. But Steve had said!

“Just tell me you don’t love me too and I’ll stop. Tell me you don’t feel what I feel. Tell me that your heart doesn’t skip a beat when you make me laugh. Tell me that you don’t count the hours until you get to see me again. Tell me that you don’t wish it was me that you wake up next to instead of-” you choke on your words, instead of your ‘informants’.

He spins around sharply and you fix your gaze on him, desperately willing your heart to stop pounding in your ears. Fiery brown orbs stare back at you instead, void of their previous tenderness. He holds your gaze as he takes curt steps towards you. He’s close enough now that you can feel his breath on your face and your heart clenches in misplaced hope. Your breath hitches as he leans in.

“I don’t.”

With two words, you see your world shatter before your eyes. You flinch back in response but he keeps going, leaning closer as you draw away. “I don’t love you.” His voice is cold and deadly. It’s icier than you’ve ever heard it and you’ve seen him threaten the devil’s right-hand man. You bite the inside of your cheek in a feeble attempt to stop the tears from welling in your eyes. He doesn’t mean it, you lie to yourself. He can’t mean it. He-

“I never have and I never will. You are nothing but a distraction to me.” He slows his words as he speaks, as if needing to emphasise them. “Do you think you’re important? That you matter? I can’t even tell you what colour your eyes are without looking at them first.” It’s a lie. But you deserve better than a screw up like him. He can’t give you the life you deserve, the life he needs you to live. The life that he wants but can never have. He can’t drag you into the endless pit of darkness that he’s learnt to call home. He won’t.

He clenches his jaw and brings his lips to your ear, shoving down the urge to kiss you. “I could never love someone as pathetic and weak as you.” He whispers his words like a slow-acting venom, delivering his final blow. He knows he’s hit the mark when he hears the choked sob that leaves your body. He pulls away to see your fists balled at your side as tears glide down your face.

He didn’t have to do that. He could’ve just said no but he didn’t. Instead, he’d rubbed salt into unhealed wounds that you’d made the mistake of showing him. He wanted to hurt you and that made you angry. A quiet voice whispers that he’s hiding behind his words, that there’s more to the story. You silence the voice without a second thought because right now? You don’t care why he did it. All you feel is anger, and pain.

The fire from before morphs into something sinister and you let the flames grow. It licks at your heart, daring it to explode, to unleash everything you’ve been holding back. So you let him burn in your rage. You let him burn and you drown out the screams.

“Fuck you, Javier Peña!” Your finger stabs into his chest in time with each word. “Fuck you and everything you fight for!” You flail your arms out wide. He flinches but you don’t notice. “All you care about is Escobar. You don’t give a shit who you hurt along the way, as long as you get what you want.”

You scoff as you fold your arms across your chest. You’re breathing hard out of your nose and you hate the way Javier holds your gaze. You hate the way it challenges you to keep going, almost like he’s enjoying it.

You grind your teeth together as you calm the raging flames inside your chest. “No matter how you spin it Javier, whatever bullshit you tell yourself to get yourself to sleep at night... it’s just that. Bullshit.” You shake your head in frustration as you spin on your heels, turning to leave.

A picture of him and Murphy falls into your line of sight and something sparks within you. An ember in the dying flames. You drag all the emotion out of your voice before speaking. You need him to hear your words without them being clouded by your fury. “When Murphy walks away from it all, he’ll have someone to go home to. You?” you glance over your shoulder to look at him, “you’ll never have anyone.”

He stays frozen in place until the sound of your shoes tapping against the floor has long since faded. A single tear rolls down the left side of his cheek. I wish it could be you.

——angstageddon tag list

@din-damn-djarin @ezrasarm @chaoticspaceidiot @engineeredfiction @pedropascalito @dreamgirl-67 @hillarymurray4 @wille-zarr @oloreaa @this-cat-is-dea @marydjarin @roxypeanut @cryptkeepersoul @agirllovespasta @wickedfrsgrl @dindisneydjarin @opheliaelysia @aeryntheofficial @adikaofmandalore @goldafterglow @yespolkadotkitty @chibi-liz05 @scarlettvonsass @rpcvliz @cinewhore @basura2319 @theravenreads @mxndoscyarika @jaime1110 @f0rever15elf @pancakepike @phoenixhalliwell

#javier peña x reader #javier peña #narcos #angstageddon #kay writes

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joculatrixster · 3 years

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Hey, what does it feel like to have madd, because I think I have it but it's not so severe?

uh hm how to describe it

i get a Need, sometimes its because em in a stressful environment like a party, sometimes its cause im in a boring place like school, most times I'm just at home and listened to a song or read a fic that just triggered It and now I have to do It

so i get this pull, if I ignore it my brain punishes me by being like dude wtf r u doing wtf wtf this is Wrong why r u not doing It go do It no more happy juice unless u do It and im like pls no ill do it just let me be?? so then I just like ya know blank out, I'm gone mentally, for me the main thing I do is pacing or doodling so sometimes I just like get up and start walking in circles or I start absentmindedly drawing faces over and over again, the respective motion is well Good it helps me focus.

then well im there, its happening and im immersed, I can hear my paras voices I can see everything they see from like a third person view for me personally its like I just turned on the tv or open a google doc, some actions im saying out loud like a narrative im reading and some I just see the scene play out like behind my eyes there's actually a reality there that I get to witness when I pace I listen to music on my headphones because it really helps me get into a groove sometimes I play the same song on loop for hours because the scene is just Good great but it can be Better, keep in mind to the outside I am just walking in circles for no fuckign reason or filling up the margin of a worksheet just cause like physically my body is on Autopilot im not fucking paying attention to the real world rn my priority is in my head so I may not hear ppl when they talk or may get so in the groove of pacing I just don't see something on the floor, my parascom isn't real but it is something I experience even if the impacts r not physical.

as I mentioned ppl cant see what I see or hear what I hear, sometimes when im in a car ride(btw car rides r the fuckign best for daydreaming) ppl talk over the radio or skip songs that I am vibing with and I get this sense of just Annoyance it makes some feel Bad that u interrupted It's flow why would u do that to me dont u understand i need to focus?? it happens when i pace too my family makes stupid quips about ti all the time and it throws me so far Off i need a few moments of mindlessly wandering to get back into it or sometimes its jsut Ruined and i cant feel the same attachment i did to the scene i used too and it jsut ruins my mood.

daydreaming makes me happy when nothing does, when my friends r offline or my family is being well the fuckign worst theres always my parascom waitign for me, its a constant and a comfort that i know that i can jsut retreat inside myself and see my paras story play out, im emotionally invested in their lives and seeing the plots play out its fun and nice and when i was younger it was all i had, no friends or family to rely on jsut a bunch of dispointment and lonelyness and madd was the answer at least for me.

let me make one thign crystal clear this fuckign SUCKS, if i had the choice to abandon madd and know id be happier then yes i would do it but currently i cant do that my parascoms r the onyl things rlly keeping me stable, this is an unhealthy addiction i Need to do this or i get depressed and stressed out, its escapsim at its finest and not the good kind, the kind that takes over ur life and can destroy u if it gets worst.

and hoenstly? my madd IS mild, compared to what it used to be i can just take an hour or 2 a day to pace while listening to music and im fine, i know for some its MUCH MUCH worst and their madd has become more of a nightmare than a comfort, anon if u have madd and i helped u realize this im glad but dont just take my word for it everyone experiences madd differently for example me n my friend both related to our experices pacing but we have vastly different types of parascom litterly my acc is cookie run based only because cookie run happed to be the franchise that spawned my favorite fiction based parascom

#madd #actually madd #mod trix #hope this helps #ask to tag #i use captial letters to empthize when soemthign feels a ceritan way to mee

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insomnihan · 3 years

Text

han’s Entire Thoughts and Feelings on Dreamcatcher’s “Endless Night”

youtube

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

there are no read mores here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ALRIGHT SO-

THE SONG OH MY F UCKING GOD????????????????????? LITERALLY THAT F UCKING GUITAR ARE YOU F UCKING KIDDING ME?????????????? THE F UCKING DRUMS??????????????? LEMME TELL THIS SONG COULDVE BEEN CHEESY WITH A GUITAR LIKE THAT™ DREAMCATCHER IS THE ONLY GROUP THAT COULD PULL THIS S HIT OFF I SWEAR TO G O D THIS SONG RELEASES SUCH A FERAL ANIMALISTIC i dunno how else to describe how INTENSE this is give me a MOMENT ENERGY I LITERALLY DUNNO WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF RN- the way gahyeon and sua start this sonG GOD YES tell me how in thE F UCK they managed to have these kinda gentle sweet voices during some parts of this song like in the prechorus and IM STILL REELING OVER HERE- WHEN I SAY YOOHYEON AND SIYEON QUEENS OF CHORUSES I MEAN IT AND DONT LIKE ME SPEAK ABOUT DAMI THAT RAP????????????????? SHES INSANE FOR THAT I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SONG IS F UCKING REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AS ALWAYS AS ALWAYS BICTH THE DANCE IS SO BOMB LIKE- BICTH I FEEL TIRED™ JUST WATCHING THEM THE CHORUS???????????? SUAS KICK??????????? SOMETHING ABOUT THE DANCING RIGHT BEFORE DAMIS RAP HITS A LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR ME OKAY- the way……………………………… all of their arm movement just looks so f cuking graceful to me anD YET THE SONG- EXCUSE ME THAT ENDING????????????? I FORGOT WHAT YOU CALL THAT KIND OF DANCING BUT THE WAY MY EYES WERE JUST I AM LOOKING 👁👄👁 I LITERALLY DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY???????????????? THE DANCES DC JUST DO FOR THEIR SONGS JUST ALWAYS SLAP AND GO HARD WHO IN THE F UCK IS DOING IT LIKE THEM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

GOOD GOD THE VISUALS ARE ALWAYS INSANE IN ALL OF THEIR MVS BUT THIS???????? T H I S????????????????? …………………………IM LOSING IT-

T H E M

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JIU

DID YALL NOTICE JUST HOW MANY TIMES SHE SHOWED UP IN THE MV?????????????? I SWEAR TO GOD MY NECK WAS GETTING TWISTED THE F UCK UP EVERY👏SINGLE👏TIME👏 THIS PURBLE™ HAIR TURNED HER INTO A GODDESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HONESTLY BEYOND THAT?????????????? THIS SCREENSHOT I LITERALLY CANNOT LOOK AT IT THE RED AND SHE HAD HER HAIR IN PIGTAILS AND THEN JUST THE BLACK ONE AND SHES JUST…………………………………… Y E A H- IMMA STOP I BETTER STOP-

SUA

honestly when i had to do this portion of this afterthought i noticed she doesnt really????????? show up a lot in this mv???????? at least long enough anyway!!!!!! BUT MOVING ON CAN WE PLS TAKE ABOUT THIS SCREENSHOT???????????? CAN WE PLS- THIS IS GONNA BE ODDLY (MAYBE???) SPECIFIC BUT HER MAKEUP ON HER EYES WHEN SHE WAS WEARING THE BLACK OUTFIT I JUST- I KNOW THATS SPECIFIC BUT ITS SOMETHING I NOTICED WHEN SHE WAS SINGING NEAR THE BEGINNING OF THE SONG AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY H E L L Y E A H

SIYEON

IM- TO THE SURPRISE OF NO ONE SHE IS FINE™ AS F UCK THIS EXACT SCREENSHOT RIGHT HERE……………………………… THIS IS GONNA BE THE DEATH OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im aware that most of them are wearing a harness with their red outfits i understand HOWEVER theres just something about the red on red and her hairstyle with the bangs in this exact fit that just made it Hit Different™ for me………… BUT THEN AGAIN her visuals IN GENERAL Hit Different™ like DIFFERENT Different for me and honestly i dont have a lot to say about the third fit bc it was like not really there but shes Fine™

YOOHYEON

FOR THIS MV SPECIFICALLY I AM A BLONDE YOOHYEON SUPREMACIST WHETHER IT WAS STRAIGHT OR WAVY OR IN A F UCKING PONYTAIL (WHICH I LIKED THE MOST TO BE HONEST WITH YALL) IT DIDNT MATTER SHE LOOKED SOO GOOD I WAS LOSING IT™ the way the scenes of her in the black outfit and she was sitting next to a damn chandelier………… I Witnessed God™- pls like Thank You So Much for the punch in the throat i was asking for it for so long i have no idea why the crystals by her eyes hit so hard for me but to no ones shock shes verv very pretty and im very very dead-

DAMI

WELL WELL F UCKING W E L L honestly this entire section is mostly have in this black outfiT I- WHEN HER RAP PART STARTED SHE POUNCED AND ATTACKED ME JUST HER WALKING AROUND SITTING AROUND DANCING AROUND LIKE I LITERALLY COULDNT BREATHE??????????? THE RUDENESS????????? pls god she can be a bad bicth when she wanna be LOVE HER HAIR IN THIS MV and i just need to point out how i love that shes wearing a black harness with her red outfit but her fit also got a belt on it queen s hit- love it for her to just………………… Exist™ as she is…… 🥴

GAHYEON

JESUS CHRIST THE AMOUNT OF TIMES SHE SHOWS UP IN THIS MV THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just wanna ADMIRE™ this screenshot but i Cannot so i must saY MY GAHYEON FAVORITE LOOK IN THIS MV HAS TO BE THE ONE WITH THE BRAIDS AND SHES WEARING THOSE DIFFERENT COLORS OF PLAID ARE YOU F UCKING FOR REAL RN- i was literally SO hypnotized for no f ucking reason like her eyes???????????? are jUST?????????? SO PRETTY™???????????? EVERYTHING ABOUT HER IS SO PRETTY™?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

LIKE what can i even say right here?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! this GODDAMN SONG GOES SO HARD AS HELL AND FOR WHAT- this is such a difference from breaking out gooD LORD but lets be real this sound like……………… i believe this is a sound only dreamcatcher could pull off AND make sound good?????????? like i cant imagine any other kind of group going for This™ kind of instrumental and look cool while singing/rapping over it??????????? dreamcatchers power truthfully bUT ANYWAY-

IN CONCLUSION: I BE HAVING AN ENDLESS NIGHT WITH THIS ON LOOP

AND AS TRADITION:

#F UCK I HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A LATE ASS CLOWN 🤡🤡🤡#I THOUGHT I DID THIS REVIEW????????????#I GUESS I TOLD MYSELF ID DO IT LATER AND THEN I JUST FORGOT #BOO BOO THE FOOL HEAD ASS #OH F UCKING WELL I DID IT FINALLY #dreamcatcher #han.txt #han's mv afterthoughts

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woozi · 3 years

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i agree how you described twt, sometimes everyone's just ready to fight it seems, i've genuinely had fun on both platforms at different times but now it's just too much on stan twt (no space for difference of opinion djsjdjj) it's good to know you're having fun as well :3 & omg i've seen few of my moots starting to give svt their attention after fallin flower dropped, everything abt it is <3333 the song, mv, choreo i love it.

hdjdjddkdjdj " virgos 😐 " also me in next breath "happy birthday mark :D i love you so much 🥺💕💗" any virgos reading this i really hope you enjoy your month to the fullest djjdjd <3. righttt?? you're correct abt mark's temper being very virgo djdjdkd.

your line screams hard-working people <3 jihoon, jaebeom, jeonghan the 3Js <3. isn't jaebeom also an infj? (i don't take mbtis seriously but at the same time it also makes me happy if it ends up matching someone i like djdjjd) chan & yugs 🥺 these two imo have the sweetest personality, like the one which makes you feel welcomed & they also have the cutest laugh 🥺.

i love jus2 <3 focus on me is one of my favorite kpop mvs of all time & also drunk on you??? i love this song so much, very sexy of them. the vibes, style and everything w/ their album, i want more songs like that. and for when i am feeling melancholy i need more songs like jjp's verse 2 😭💔 but i am also okay if they don't want to go back to these units bcoz everything so far they've been giving is just as great <33 ( maybe in future we'll get blessed w/ features 🥺)

honestly g7 as grp and individually have won me over with their music style, even if i don't like full album ik there will be 3-4 songs which will be exactly what i like to listen to, all of the music they've released individually i've liked it so much. there is this song of youngjae's, titled "i'm all ears" i had no idea of its existence until it popped up in my spotify i'm so glad it did, it's been in my playlist ever since. there was also a time when i was obsessed with jackson's 'on the rocks' djdjdk.

aww <3 the live performance video of 1° has mark as thumbnail so for long time i used to associate this song with him jdjddk. i think the only j*pe thing i'd miss is got7 studio live sessions 🥺. RIGHTJDKSKS aju nice's mv is very cute djjddk I love it, in reality its reverse tho, i see them and boom! 💖💛💗🤍💕💙

it was the year they won first bb*as award so that gave them the exposure, and no i don't follow them anymore. mixed feelings abt them, very negative feelings abt f*ndom fjdjdjd. i do miss what it used to feel like liking them sometimes. at that time i never thought i'll willingly drop them from my interest (i've stanned zayn since 2012 first him as grp member then solo. sometimes thinking abt it gives me a whiplash hddjks it's been 9 years, really thought it would be same with them too but it didn't happen)

i've had falling in love by yugs and in to you by jaebs on loop for days djdkdk i really love these two songs and also air by bammie <3 (i'm slow jams kinda person djdjdk :3)

(bam released the most fun album & title this year idc abt others, ribbon is one of the soty) also special mention of look so fine & running through the rain. yes! you do make sense they feel organic & very them.

exactly 😭 it's more believable when they drop stuff out of nowhere like encore 😭😭. the way youngjae posted his letter on twt too ddjjdkssk the announcement & release of encore is such a 'you just had to be there' situation the excitement, nervousness, confusion and everything 😭 sometimes i can't with them. also is the bibi with mark on ost, the same one you mentioned in last ask? the ost is really good <3, it must've been fun to see it happen (if its same bibi).

making a whole ass playlist just for me???? 😭😭😭🥺💗 yza you're so sweet nooooo 💖

and don't worry abt replying late jdjdkdjd i mean it, sometimes my friends text me after weeks and i'm am the same. it's really okay <3. i hope this week is treating you kindly, take care yza - 🪂

p.s ( just saw last post djjej) - it was me who manifested more bunny dino <3 manifesting even more <33

i was on stan twt during my younger years too and it was v fun and memorable to me ngl <3 idk what happened though.. it's evolved to be.. Something Else.. i still see a lot of good people there though 😭 and now that i'm in my Hag Era... idk it's just too fast for me now 😭 it's still my go-to place for updates though nothing can top twitter on that dept

and ms fallin flower.... i feel like everyone was blown away by it (based off of what i see carats when talk about it) and rightly so!! she SERVED. the looks too oh my god. it's another factor i look forward to and enjoy so much when i watch their performances!!

u know what? virgos 😐 indeed KJJKDFJKFDJKFDKJ i want to slander virgos today because it's their season and no one slanders them that often so <3 ABOUT MARK'S VIRGO TEMPER THOUGH... i know i've said i enjoy seeing it sm but whenever i think abt it i cant help but say that.. I Love His Temper <3 he doesn't get pissed off in a scary and douchebag-y way it seems so... contained?? IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE IT he punched an a/c though so that might not be the perfect word to describe him lmaoo <3

THE J TRINITY HFDJFJDJHDF BESTIE UR MIND IS SO!!!!!!!!!!! honestly... maybe it's the acts of service for me <3 JKDFKJFDKJFJKD i think this is just my eldest sister and savior syndrome speaking though kfjkdkjf ALSO OH MY GOD THE WAY U NOTICE THESE THINGS <3 THAT'S SO SEXIE OF U!!! and yes he used to be an infj!! there was an interview that's more recent wherein he mentioned that he's now an enfj though but i cant rmb which interview it's from :/ ALSO MOOD FKJJKGJGKF i dont believe in mbtis too but im just... a little obsessed w it for the fun of it all <3 and the way u described them </3 what if i tear up a little </3 I LOVE CHAN'S LAUGH SO MUCH BUT IM SO SOS O GLAD U BROUGHT UP YUGYEOM'S LAUGH??????????? IT'S NOT TALKED ABT ENOUGH LIKE...... HELLO!!!!!!!!!!! one of my bird moots said he sounded like a schoolboy in choir 😭😭😭😭😭😭

GOD UR TASTE!!!!!!! what if i start falling in l*ve a little :/ what then :/ focus on me was ahead of it's time and people fucking slept on THEM i cannot fucking believe this. this has to be some kind of sick joke 😭 ALSO HAVE U SEEN THE CHOREO FOR SENSES!!!!!!1 INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!! holy fuck!!!!!! sorry for the expletives but like.... holy SHIT they did THAT!!!!!!!! ALSO UR SO RIGHT </3 jjp verse 3 when... ALSO did u know i let go of the jjprojects url... thats the worst mistake of my life KDKJDSKJDSJK also agree wholeheartedly <3 i think they're all trying to find their footing this time around as soloists and im so proud of them for that!! i'll stand by my jus2 agenda though bc they're almost in the same company so maybe.. i might have hope left 😭

SO TRUE BESTIE!!! the same principle goes w svt for me as well <3 got7's such a flavorful group musically like... all of them have the capacity to go solo and they're still considered flops.. waht the fuck <3 ALSO OMG FJDKJFKFJD YOU'VE HEARD The Song!!!!!!!! maybe he'll be releasing something along those lines <3 esp now that he's supposedly coming w an album KJSJKDJSK on a similar note.. do u also listen to jamie (the other artist on the song) <3 NOO SHUT UP THIS CANNOT BE FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i was obsessed w on the rocks too 😭😭😭😭😭😭 IT WAS MY FAVORITE ON THE MIRRORS ALBUM HELLO??????????????????????????? im proposing to u rn

ok now i have to watch all the live vids again JKDSJKSJDKDSKJ ik keep saying 'ur so right', 'i agree', and 'so true bestie' but im gonna have to say this again bc i LOVE LOVE LOVE live sessions sm no matter the artist. i also just am a little partial to live bands in performances like that in general so JDJKKDSJDS

the way you're saying these cute things abt the svteenies.. </3 giving me heartache!!! i'd bully them though i can't coddle them anymore <3

not the fandom JKFDKJFDKJFDKJFKJF ok but i think it's mostly their younger fans tbh. it wasn't this bad before.. i also really liked bts during their debut days. their songs were really good!! i kind of lost interest though and couldn't really get into them although their songs slapped lol. my irls are still into them though so i still hear about them. 9 YEARS............................... wait oh my god it HAS BEEN a little over a decade since 1d was The Thing huh 😭 now i feel kinda old lmao. and i totally get that feeling </3 it really do be like that sometimes JKFDJKJKFD

you really ARE keeping up w the sevens oh my god how are you doing it!!!!!!!!!!! it's like getting svt content now at this point but more complicated bc u need to get the updates from different sources JDKJSDKJJSKD love ur song choices too <3

ALSO FULLY RELATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when i saw bam's teasers... the aes was my cup of tea and THE HIGHLIGHT MEDLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't fucking get it out of my mind it's objectively one of the best things i've seen from kpop in 2021. i'm super impressed <3 love how abyss really supported bambam on this. they really went all in for him!!

I KNOW GKJDFJDK I GOT SUPER ???????/// DURING THE TIME EVERYONE THOUGHT THEY WERE DISBANDING LMAOOOO they pulled a move that's so unheard of though no one really expected That. i respect jaebeom so much for handling all the paperwork and shit behind the scenes it must've been HELL!! ALSO IT MEANT I CRIED FOR NOTHING THEN 😭😭😭 AND YES OH MY GOD IT'S THE SAME BIBI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SHOCK I HAD WHEN I SAW THE LIST????????????????????????? thought i was gonna black out like,,, mark,,, AND BIBI??????????????? she's fucking phenomenal how is she just a YEAR older than me.. INSANE!!! ... and i also thought jackson was gonna have an ost for this movie.. idk why it wasn't released though i didnt look into it :/

i had a rough few days so i'm not yet finished with the playlist (my laptop's Dead i am still trying to revive her and uni's starting soon 😭) but for the mean time, here's another one that some people from caratblr previously asked for JDSJKSDJ these are mostly english songs though its not my k-playlist KJDSKJSDJK

i do hope this week gets better!!! and i hope that you'll have a fun one too <3 thank u for being so patient w me 🥺 i just get so many messages and find the need to recharge FDKJDFJK

ALSO I FELT LIKE IT WAS U!!!!!! OH MY GOD, i even searched my blog for the word manifest but for some reason your ask didn't come up in the search so i didnt mention u in the tags so i wont misattribute if it ends up not being u 😭 thank u for manifesting this chan for me he's my little... hop hop now ig... 😭

#lov u u genuinely make my days better!! <#*<3 #also the way u called me by name... passing out rn </3 #🪂 anon #anon #y.ask #long post

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mousehole5000 · 4 years

Text

tgcf lb the second. chapters 7-13

love that we’re getting fu yao and nan feng described as “two little pretty boys” amazing and completely as expected also everything theyve done is 10000% funnier now

The military officials heard their impromptu, slapstick live comedy and couldn’t help but smile. The dissatisfaction in their hearts had dissipated a lot, and they felt a bit more closer to the other three. This resulted in the sedan chair becoming much more stable. - tbh it is often true that if you make people laugh they are more likely to like you in my experience. to be fair what xie lian did was funny theyre a funny trio

okay time for some creatures and beings. base slaves do sound terrifying no thank you i do not like hordes. remind me a bit of husks from mass effect and those were the worst so. also xie lian wielder of silk ribbons i like it

im very :eyes: at fu yao and nan feng rn. i think theres more going on with them..... i have suspicions but we’ll see

well goodbye butterfly boy who crushes skulls and spiritual arrays and sick boots and taught me what a vambrace is. im guessing we shall meet again i have the strangest feeling that ive heard about you

In fact, all of the dead people in this room wore wedding garments while smiling even in death. - grim!!! spooky!!!

The moment he finished saying that, he pinched that corpse’s face twice. The youngster only felt that the skin beneath his hands felt smooth like tofu, making people’s hearts feel itchy. - eww!!!! also dont feel up the corpse buddy wtf. also everyone leave little ying alone

Drip, drop. Drip, drop. This created the frightening scene of a forest filled with corpses as blood rained down from above. even more grim!! - happy halloween kids

When he heard Fu Yao’s explanation, Xie Lian thought in his heart, ‘This name was truly unnecessary. If it was a ‘Devastation’, then it was a ‘Devastation’. If it wasn’t, then it wasn’t. Just like how there were only the phrases, ‘ascended’ and ‘haven’t ascended yet’. There were no such things as ‘near ascending’ or ‘approaching ascending’. On the contrary, adding on a ‘near’ word made people feel awkward. - nevermind the deaths, xie lian needs to make some points about semantics. it has nothing to do with the situation at hand and i love it

QI RONG IVE HEARD ABOUT YOU FROM MY MUTUALS!!! terrified

Who knew how many times he had already said that phrase tonight. Every time something happened, Xie Lian would have to say it at least thirty to forty times. However, there would always be people who turned a deaf ear to his warnings. He felt truly quite helpless. - not sure if this is be xie lian is dressed up as a bride or if its just his bad luck. or if its bc thats just how people are. either way i feel you buddy

“Excuse me for this.” Xie Lian grabbed a hand from each bride before placing them on each other’s necks. The two brides suddenly touched something and were very surprised. Since they couldn’t see anything, they began to fiercely destroy each other. - xie lian stop being funny fjlkajdfs;kasj also right after this he goes into his street performer spiel upon being applauded. amazing

the visual of this fight with the villagers inside the ruoye loop and all the brides is pretty sick. also xi lian on the spirit phone to ling wen while the villagers cheer is very funny

heteronormativity obfuscates another mystery... but also a possessive jealous bride walking on her knees... thats quite a figure!! and tbh it is interesting that everyone assumed that the ghost was a bridegroom who didnt want to see happy couples and not a bride who didnt want to see happy couples. congrats xie lian for thinking

bruh she ripped his skull out and it screamed

i mean the indiscriminate killing of innocent women is bad but other than that im on her side tbh fuck this general pei guy

ow wtf i just cried a little bit. xie lian’s reassurance to little ying... her response.... wtf ;_;

As for the matter between General Pei and Xuan Ji, unless one was directly involved, it was better not to comment on who was right or wrong. He could only pity those seventeen innocent brides, the military officials and drivers who had escorted them. It truly was an unexpected disaster. - valid. still sympathetic to her tho i just am

human face plague..... bruh. okay might have to alternate between reading this and watching hannibal not sure i wanna do those together

He really wanted to hang a sign on his back saying, ‘Ascension is not as good as collecting scraps’ and promote it in the mortal world. - this lb is officially just funny xie lian moments now

The meaning behind his words were basically, the female ghost Xuan Ji causing trouble could not be blamed on General Pei, because she originally did not have the ability to cause it. If they wanted to pin the blame on someone, then they should pin it on Green Ghost Qi Rong, for it was him who took in Xuan Ji and gave her the ability to harm people. - told you. i was right to blame the men

i have indeed seen the donghua trailer so my suspicions that butterfly boy was indeed hua cheng being confirmed are just like. yep. exactly as expected.

i read the second half of chapter 12 on my phone so i didnt get any quotes but hua cheng rise to infamy funny. xie lian listening to it all and just going “hehe silver butterflies pretty” is also funny

i forgot that xie lian was in debt but im glad he paid it off good for him be free

After a while, Ling Wen really couldn’t stand it anymore and privately told him, “Your Highness ah, the things you send in the spirit communication array are all very good, however, I’m afraid that even a Heavenly Official a few hundred years older than you wouldn’t send them.” - fakhlsdfjakl; ling wen really told xie lian he was facebook grandparent posting in the spirit communication array

Since he couldn’t fix this, then it was still better to just forget about it. Xie Lian gave up on this issue, and as a result, stopped being gloomy as well. - you know what i respect that attitude i really do. xie lian said well ill just get over it and he did. i need to do this with twitter

However, this kind of problem didn’t exist for Xie Lian. With the curse upon him, he was no different compared to mortals, and thus could eat everything. And because he was a seasoned veteran of a hundred battles, no matter what he ate, he wouldn’t die. Whether it was a steamed bun that had been lying around for a month, or pastries that already sprouted some green mold, he would definitely be fine after eating those things. Since he had a constitution like this that defied the heavens, he actually got by alright during the period he collected scraps. - im sorry i know i keep saying it but xie lian is so funny i love him fjasdlfsdjfadksl literally king of eating garbage i love him so much

okay more hua cheng lore next time. and this interloper in the cart... ok

#mouse mumbles #tgcf liveblog #honestly so far everythings just really funny #except the gruesome bit and the bit where i cried #but i really do like xie lian a lot

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mars-barssss · 4 years

Note

Hi! For the whump bingo ask, can I ask for "Apologizing right before they pass out" with Patton? Thank you.

//I’m really sorry about this being so late! Also, sorry to the two other asks for a while ago, I’m gonna finish these up before continuing. Life got a bit hectic but I’ll get back on it!

An Illogical Feeling

Pairing: Logicality

TW: Blood, Near Character Death (But not actual character death!), Stab Wounds

Type: ANGST

//College!Au and Human!Au, to let you know!

Summary: Logan gets a call from his best, no, a really close friend. He learns something new about himself.

—

Ring…! Ring…!

The ringing of the phone mixed with the loud movie that was blasting on the TV. Roman didn’t pay any mind to it, as his eyes were trained on whatever action movie they happened to be watching.

Logan himself was reading a book, however. He was paying no mind to the movie. He had no interest in it, anyways.

Roman had invited him to watch a movie over in his dorm, and he didn’t really care for the choice of movie that he chose. Truthfully, Logan just was tired of waiting for his own roommates to come home, and although he wouldn’t admit it, he didn’t want to be alone.

There was something so suffocating about being alone. It was illogical at best, he should be fine with that. But he had gotten used to the conversations and sounds that dulled the silence, that he couldn’t just avoid it! He didn’t know if that meant he was getting weak, or otherwise. Either way, he simply had told Roman he’d be over, but not to watch. Roman didn’t get much of a response to his next text, before said friend arrived at his door.

And the moment that Logan stepped inside showed just how lonely Roman was too. Or at least, bored. Pillows and blankets coated the couches and a bean bag chair was pulled up in the living room. The movie was looping on the menu screen, and there were some blankets specifically placed as like a cover. A true… pillow fort.

When questioned, Roman had shrugged it off, mumbling something about how his emo roommate not being home for the next two hours and his other being at a debate competition for the weekend.

As Logan recalled this, a loud shout pulled him out of his thoughts. The scene kid continued to shout as a lion, apparently, was hanging by the edge of a cliff, and screaming for help from the other lion.

“Mufasa, you could just like, I don’t know, climb to the left slightly, there’s a branch right there-!”

Roman continued to argue nonsensically at these characters, who Logan didn’t even know the names of, and who would also not hear Roman’s arguments, until eventually the lion fell off of the cliff. That left Roman with a loud irritated shout.

Logan scoffed slightly, smiling. He returned to his book.

Ring…! Ring…!

Oh. Right. The phone. The phone that was still ringing.

It was Roman’s phone, so obviously, he should answer it. It wasn’t in Logan’s place to answer it. It could be personal. But his that dumb drama student just wouldn’t stop whining the screen. Honestly, Logan didn’t know why it bugged him so much. Maybe because it didn’t merge with the background sound of the movie.

Maybe it was because of a strange feeling in his stomach. He didn’t even know why it was there, but earlier when it first started, he nearly wanted to take some medicine. He was probably just getting sick, to be honest. It was winter, after all.

Speaking of winter, Logan glimpsed out of Roman’s dorm window. It had actually began to snow, after Logan arrived. Something about it excited him, because he hadn’t seen snow in so long. That however, didn’t last long. The snow also made him worry for Roman’s roommates, as well as his home. The roads would be slippery, and honestly his roommate should have been home a while ago. Anxiously, Logan checked his phone, tapping his foot lightly on the carpet.

6:48 PM

Ring…! Ring…!

Logan shuffled slightly, getting to messaging app to try to contact him again. Logan did not like the idea of spamming people, it was rude. Honestly, they’d respond back when they did get the chance, but this time, his stomach was almost doing figurative flips. His stomach was figuratively flipping?

He didn’t really pay too much mind to the half-cooked metaphor as he scrolled through today’s messages and typed a new message.

___

Today

1:30 AM Patty-Cake: GO TO BED

1:30 AM Patty-Cake: I can c ur light on

Patty-Cake changed Crofters’s nickname to hey.

Patty-Cake changed hey’s nickname to LogAN gET SoME FLIpPiNG sLEEP.

1:37 AM LogAN gET SoME FLIpPiNG sLEEP: I need to get this essay done.

1:38 AM Patty-Cake: u got that essay last night, it’s due in two weeks

1:40 AM LogAN gET SoME FLIpPiNG sLEEP: Better to get it done early.

1:43 AM Patty-Cake: Comin to ur room rn

1:43 AM LogAN gET SoME FLIpPiNG sLEEP: What?

2:11 AM Patty-Cake: ILY nightt

Patty-Cake changed LogAN gET SoME FLIpPiNG sLEEP’s nickname to Stargazer.

12:34 PM Patty-Cake: Lo!!! I got a role!! SO EXCITED!!! :D

12:34 PM Patty-Cake: Ro’s gonna be so happy! He’s been trying to get me into the play for weeeeeeeeks

Patty-Cake changed Patty-Cake’s nickname to AAAAAAAA.

12:36 PM Stargazer: That’s nice. Congratulations.

12:36 PM AAAAAAAA: Emile’s calling! C u at home im gonna be making cookies

2:03 PM AAAAAAAA : Do u want burgers tonite?

AAAAAAAA changed AAAAAAAA’s nickname to Patty-Cake

2:03 PM Patty-Cake: Gotta fix my name one sec

5:30 PM Stargazer: Patton, please respond. Where are you? You should have been home a half an hour ago.

6:48 PM Stargazer: Patton, are you home yet? If you are not, it is snowing outside, please drive carefully.

Patty-Cake didn’t pick up. 0:03

6:50 PM Stargazer: You’re worrying me, please call back.

___

“Get off your electronics, Microsoft Nerd!” Ahead of him, Roman was a leaning backwards, giving him a pointed stare. His lips were pouting as he pointed at his phone. The movie was paused. “Thought you were gonna be on your book, not your phone!”

“I was reading my book. I only went to go check the time on here.” Logan deadpanned, pocketing his phone. A small glance to Roman’s home phone made Roman shout at him again.

…

“Really? I could heard you typing! You aren’t even paying attention to me right now!” He huffed, sitting up in the chair, still staring at Logan. “See you’re just staring at my phone for some odd reason, at least give me a straight answer.”

Turning back to Roman, Logan’s expression was dulled out, kind of a tired ‘what are you even going on about’ face. “Just unpause the movie, Roman.”

“Alright, whatever, just don’t text during the movie! Puh-lease!” The movie was unpaused, and the volume replaced the silence immediately. It blasted through Logan’s ears the moment it came back on, the stark difference surprising the engineering major. He didn’t realize that the phone stopped ringing.

Everything continued as normal.

Only until a few minutes later.

Ding!…

___

6:58 PM Patty-Cake: l

6:58 PM Patty-Cake: logan

___

Logan quickly grabbed his phone, his hands shaking slightly as he scrambled for the messaging app. Oh, he was going to rip Patton a new one for scaring him.

___

6:59 PM Stargazer: Patton, why didn’t you respond to me all afternoon?

6:59 PM Stargazer: Patton

7:01 PM Patty-Cake: hlp me pls

7:01 PM Stargazer: What’s wrong?

Patty-Cake didn’t pick up. 0:01

7:03 PM Patty-Cake: guy cme up behnd me

___

By now, Logan has stood up, staring down his phone. This felt wrong, this felt so, so wrong. Glancing away for a brief moment, Roman had also gotten up from his beanbag, although his intention was different.

“Hey pocket protector! What in the world are you doing?!” Roman nudged his shoulder, although not unkindly. “You’re panicking dude, come on, breathe.” A hand landed on his shoulder, but Logan didn’t acknowledge it. He was on the screen to call Patton, consistently trying to call the other.

Roman looked at Logan’s phone nervously, before tightening his grip on the other’s shoulder.

___

Patty-Cake didn’t pick up. 0:02

Patty-Cake didn’t pick up. 0:01

7:05 PM Patty-Cake: over by th aprtmns alleyway

7:05 PM Stargazer: Why aren’t you answering?!

7:05 PM Stargazer: Why aren’t you calling the police?

7:06 PM Stargazer: Patton

You called Patty-Cake.

___

Finally one of the calls went through. As Logan looked at the video on the call, there was just black, and all he heard at first was gasps, and clearly a choking sound. The phone moved from what sounded like the ground, into the air, slightly. The phone was shaking from the place it was held, showing only concrete.

“Patton-?! Patton, are you there?”

The phone jolted again, as it sounded like he was trying to sit up. “L…Logan?…”

“Yeah, Patton, it’s me. Where are you?! Tell me where you are!” The phone uneasily shakes in Logan’s hands. He’s already walking towards the apartment door, keeping his eyes on the call desperately. As the door opened, he winced at the choke-like gasps coming from the other end of the call. Roman quickly followed after him as he rushed down the staircase, not waiting for the elevator.

“Logan… L… I…” Several more coughs came through as the phone was pulled back towards Patton. The camera jolted as he coughed. His hand came into view of the camera for a moment, and Logan stopped breathing for a moment as he stood in the front door of the dorm.

Dark red blood stained his hands and the snow around him. The arm itself was shaking either from fear, or the cold winds. Another wheeze came through, before Logan saw that Patton was beginning to drop the phone, falling forward in the process.

“Patton, don’t fall asleep! Please! Tell us where you-!”

All of a sudden, a loud thump was heard on the call, as the camera went dark. The call was still on, but Patton must have passed out on it. Soft uneven breathing came through the speaker.

“P-Patton!”

His head turned up sharply as he could hear just how much he was hyperventilating. He stared at Roman, his eyes watering from his fear how tired he was. “R-Roman.”

Roman touched his shoulder, his words fumbling right out of his mouth with how quickly he spoke. “He stayed late at the theater, and he said he was near the dorms in an alleyway, he’s probably that way-” Roman gestures to Logan’s left. “I’ll call the police to this area, call me when you find him- I’ll lead the ambulance there, okay?! You just focus on finding him!” He shoves Logan to the left, as he pulls out his own phone quickly, his boots stomping through the now-thicker snow.

Logan briefly nods before running off to the left. If you asked Roman, Logan never runs for anything, unless he is genuinely scared, which is rare. Nothing could ever get him to run, but now, he was going as fast as he could on the slippery ice and snow.

“PATTON-!”

Glancing down every alleyway there was, he held the phone close, listening to the soft, weakened breathing, to make sure he was alive. After a few moments, Logan stumbles after hearing a hitch in the other student’s breathing, before he couldn’t hear it anymore! His own breathing hitches, as tears spill down his eyes.

“PATTON!”

He sprints off again, desperately looking down every alleyway and corner, until finally, he spots Patton’s cardigan down one of them, abandoned.

Turning sharply into it, he reached the cardigan, picking it up shakily, and holding it close. A small whimper snaps his head towards the right, where Patton was laying, a few feet away. Logan stumbles forward desperately, falling to his knees beside Patton, who’s eyes were closed with a light layer of ice on them, and breathing that was barely heard.

“Patton, can you hear me?!”

He pulled the other into his lap, trying to warm him up. The moment he saw his stomach, where a stab wound festered, he shoved his hand on it, giving it pressure, despite all of the blood that surrounded them. His other hand grasped at his phone, dialing Roman’s number, the other continuing to hold the unresponsive student in his lap. Once the call went through, he quickly blurted out the area they were in, and set his phone the ground without a care. The now empty hand hesitated, before taking one of Patton’s in his own.

“Patton, wake up! Please, wake up!”

Patton didn’t know who was speaking, but someone was speaking.

He didn’t know who was shaking him, but someone was shaking him.

He didn’t know who was saving him, but someone was-

He opened his eyes to see a blurry mess of blues and blacks. A small groan forced it’s way out of him as he struggled to move, only realize the hand that pushed down on his stomach. A whimper was heard as he felt the pain that grew from the pressure, before he felt himself get moved around slightly, his back against the wall of a dorm.

His eyelids drooped slowly, as his whole body longed to be on the floor again, as he longed to sleep. Suddenly, his hearing came back and-

“-tton! Stay awake! Don’t fall asleep!”

Logan’s voice blasted throughout his whole body, it just felt so loud. Everything suddenly felt so loud, and his stomach hurt so badly. The rocks beneath him felt so cold, so very cold, and… sticky. Why… Why was it sticky?

“Pa-” His hearing went out again as he blinked over and over, trying to get a better view. Eventually, he can see who the figure above him was. Logan.

Some fellow student. Some nerd. A stoic acquaintance, who hid his emotions. A person who helped him with math homework, who didn’t care how dumb he was. A childhood friend, who tried to avoid him. A stargazing dork, who stayed late up until four in the morning to see a comet. A friend, who didn’t leave him, even if it meant he got bullied by the same kids that bullied him. His partner in crime, who begrudgingly joined him with a prank on the bullies. His only friend, who would let him ramble listlessly all night. His best friend, who took care of him when he was bedridden, and called for Roman to bring blankets and watch movies with them until he was better.

One of the most important people in the world to him, who was slowly fading away into the darkness that clouded Patton’s vision.

“Lo…” Patton’s voice whimper out through the pain, his hand squeezing Logan’s, as strong as he could. Which wasn’t that strong, but it was something. Logan’s eyes darted right back to Patton’s, and for the first time that Patton ever knew, he was crying. A sudden shiver wracked Patton’s body, and he tore his gaze away from the other to try to contain heat.

Some of Logan’s tears hit Patton in the cheek, sliding down his face. Logan’s breathing rose again as he watched Patton carefully, and held him away from all of the snow that had gathered around him. Quickly shifting his jacket off of him, he wrapped it around Patton, and held it closer once more. “Patton, stay awake for me, okay? You can hear me, right?”

Patton stiffly nodded, as another shiver made him shrink into Logan’s jacket. He looked so… small. His voice wasn’t much bigger than how he looked, rasping at the edges. “Y-Y-Y-Ye-eah. I-I can he-ear you.”

“G-Good, you’re okay, you’re gonna be fine.” Logan muttered those reassurances under his breath as he looked back at the main road, waiting. Waiting for the inevitable sirens to come down it. At any time now. “You’ll be fine.”

“Logan…” Patton felt it inside of him. Something inside of him was wilting, like a dying rose. He didn’t know if it was because of all of the red around him, or the frost that nipped at his wrists. His body felt like it falling apart, one thing at a time. His fingers, then his wrists, then his arms. Something deep down in him was fading, and he was scared, because his eyes won’t stay open, they won’t stay open, oh god, he’s falling he’s falling he’s falling-

But he’d always be there to catch him.

“Patton, come on. I’m going t-to pick you up now, is that okay?” The sound of sirens suddenly filled the absence of sound. Logan’s voice barely wavered, his ability to hold in his emotions from the outside was something Patton wished he was better at to be honest. But right now, Patton was sure his expression was only either pained, or nothing. He didn’t feel much of anything. Not emotionally, but neither the cold that tore at his limbs.

He was so tired. He was so… so cold.

He couldn’t even nod his head to let Logan know he heard him.

“Patton, can you hear me? We have to go!” Logan’s voice cracked. It was a little detail, but Patton knew just how much it meant. Logan was scared. But Patton couldn’t reach for him anymore, he was too numb. His head rolled to the side, looking at the pavement as Logan tried to move him. “Pat!”

Pat. That’s a nickname that Patton hadn’t heard for years. At least, not from Logan.

Maybe he should change his nickname to it again.

“Patton, please, don’t close your eyes, the ambulance is here! I’m sorry if you don’t want to be picked up, but I have to move you.” Logan shook him slightly, the movement only rolling his limp head around more. When he looked at Logan, he could only see beauty. He could only see his best friend, as if the whole world didn’t exist at that moment. The world faded into the background, grays and blues and whites. Snow flew around them as Logan carried him. It was a wonderful world.

Where he had no wounds and wasn’t dying right now.

He didn’t feel any pain, he could only see his best friend holding him close. And perhaps it was just the blood-loss speaking, but he knew at that moment just how much he did love the man who was saving him. The world shifted around him, and he didn’t care. He didn’t notice. His head rolling slightly, but his eyes were trained on Logan.

He looked so sad. Why was he so sad? Scared too. He didn’t like Logan when he was scared. He didn’t want him to be sad. He wanted him to be happy!

He kept looking sadder whenever he faced him as they walked forward, with snow fluttering around him. Did he do something wrong?…

If he did, he was so sorry. He felt so guilty. He felt sore, but he didn’t care. He’d feel sore all day if it meant he wasn’t sad. He had to say something, to apologize for… whatever he did. He just had to get that sad face off of him. He didn’t care about what it was, he just wanted him to be happy.

With the last of his strength, he reached up towards Logan’s face, and in return Logan’s face snapped towards Patton. His thumb weekly traced a tear as his hand shook and fell to his chest.

“I’m… I’m so sorry, Lo.”

It was clear, if not raspy. And as he uttered it, he heard Logan. Not really though, the words were so muffled and quiet, it was if he had whispered it, and Patton wasn’t close enough. But he heard him speak, whatever he was saying, as his head rolled back limply against Logan’s arm, and his eyelids fluttered shut.

And they didn’t open back up.

Logan didn’t know he could cry, but almost losing his best friend taught him that.

___

//There we go! Let me know if you want a sequel to it! And I’m gonna get to work with the other asks! Have a great day!

#sandersides #sanders sides #roman #patton #logicality #logan

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