#but no ok i feel like im not enough today but i AM enough. it will pass
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yall we hit the big 1000 😧‼️‼️
ok, im not one for any sappy shit or anything but I genuinely dont think I’d be where I am today without any of you guys. if I werent to be writing and talking to all of my favorite people I dont think I’d be in a great place.
I fucking love knowing that I have a thousand people here for me to comfort me, to support me and to always be here for me whenever I need it. i love knowing that I have a thousand friends with me whenever.
its so comforting because I know I have all of you when im feeling down or lonely. ive had really bad social anxiety majority of my life and havent had any good luck with friends, so knowing that I have a thousand people that look forward to me doing anything and that I have a thousand friends or a thousand people who went out of their way in their day to read my stories, to like them and follow me. I love knowing that you did that out of your own will and because you genuinely like me. I like knowing that I dont have to worry about being lonely or disliked or anything along the lines of that because i know I can always come to one of you
being here today, with all of these people reminds me just how adored/liked or loved I am just because of one of my hobbies. you guys like my writing, some of you even adore it, and knowing that I didnt force any of this makes everything so much better. I wouldnt be here today, where I am, how happy I am without any of you and I fucking adore that. without you guys I dont think I’d be as productive as I am, I dont think I wouldve ever pursued my writing, I dont think I wouldve ever tried writing. so knowing that each and every one of you helped me find the thing I enjoy most is so admirable, its amazing and I cannot thank any of you enough.
to the one whos been here since the start @luverboychris, you’re one of the only reasons im still as happy as I am today, you’re one of my bestfriends and I love you so fucking much. you’re the only reason I started writing on tumblr and you’re one of my favorite people 🫶🫶
to the one whos recently become my bestfriend @lovesodakid, I wouldnt have had as many laughs without you. you’re the funniest person ive ever met and im so grateful I can speak my true opinion without you judging me
to the one whos literally my favorite nick girl @nickgetsmewetter and one of the people I look up to, you’re a reason im excited to go onto tumblr everyday
to my idols, who inspired me to write and the reason I continue writing today @luverboychris, @hysteria-things and @worldlxvlys, you guys are literally one of the reasons I write today and continue to write
again, to @worldlxvlys, anytime im upset or feeling down I always go to your stories and read them. you’re one of my favorite creators on this app
im so fuckung grateful for each and every single one of you ❤️❤️
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#*breathes in* ok#i am in a particularly bad mood today and turning to see practically every ship I don't like in the fandom is not helping#being in a fandom can be so exhausting at times especially when you dislike practically every popular ship in it#it can be such a nightmare to deal with. i came here to ESCAPE not deal with this crap#and yes i am talking about russingon and a number of other incestous ships in this what-often-seems-to-be godforsaken fandom#like i get it. i really do. i can see why people ship them but#do you really have to shove it down my throat like that? do you have to make it so that it is practically INESCAPABLE?#and the fact that they are COUSINS just makes it SO MUCH WORSE#not that tolkien was exactly helping when he decided to make EVERY SINGLE IMPORTANT CHARACTER RELATED#even the MARRIED ONES like why tolkien WHY#i do not have the time for this crap and im sick of having to deal with it everyday#it just feels like i can never enjoy any fandom I am in for very long because i always feel so out of place and alone in it#i get discouraged and then i leave because it feels like there's no way i can really contribute to it#ive tried to write fanfic but for some reason i just can't#i dont feel like my fanarts are good enough#i know im being overly dramatic but i just really need to get this off my chest
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#my digestive issues are literally under the most control they have ever been in my life and they are still ruining my life#woke up fine today. went to a coffee shop. had to leave after an hour#i had so many plans for today and now i'm stuck at home because i can't be too far away from a bathroom#i didn't eat anything that would trigger this. my gut just hates me i guess#earlier this month i have a risk food but i thought i took enough precautions to be safe and it fucked me up for like#2 weeks straight#i wonder what its like for people to not have to wonder about bathroom access every time they leave the house#i wonder what its like to eat normal foods without calculating how sick its going to make you#i wonder what its like to not have entire plans tossed out the window for reasons beyond your control#fucking sucks man#i hate ibs#in exchange for my terrible gut i do have a fantastic immune system somehow but weirdly that means i never take time off work?#ok so i am so good at just managing my issues that i just power through whenever im sick.#it's not like i can afford to take time off whenever i feel sick anyway and besides once you have to take multiple AP tests in high school#while in the middle of an episode you grow a lot of tolerance for being functional while sick#but then. i just i could have excuses to take days off because i have a cold or something. get a rest every now and then#but what illnesses i get beyond digestion issues are so slight that i can just. power through. i am never ill enough to take time off#and i get so worried that one day I will need that PTO that I can't convince myself to use it for like mental health days and ugh#this is more of a personal problem than anything but still. i wish i got sick like a normal person
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hey guys wanna know what the temperature over here is in the middle of december? in the middle of the fucking winter? currently it's 46*F and the high of today is gonna be 76*F. it's. not even fucking jacket weather today. it's only cold because it's nighttime by 9am it's gonna be like 60*F already
#saw a post that was like 'it used to be cold in the winter' 'ok grandma lets get you to bed' and thats what im feeling right now#checked the weather to see what to wear today and. really??#i mean just to be clear i am wearing a jacket anyway. hashtag transgenderism & it's cool enough that i won't sweat to death so that's a win#chaos chitters
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Being into some game series's is a constant cycle of going 'ok, ok maybe this'll be the one we'll be so back on, maybe THIS time it'll be good' and getting hit in the face w how joever it is hard enough to make your ears ring every time
#jay talkin#sorry 4 bein a hater any tiny shreds of hope i had for silent hill as a franchise just got squeezed outta me im done#not a value judgement nor a taste judgement its just a ME personally thing imma enjoy the old ones n leave well enough alone#i got like....what. ten fifteen mins into watching the new free one they put out and hough boy#dont read on if u dont want 2 see opinions#ok so. beats u over the head w everything is disastrously unsubtle dialogue feels clunky#beats and aesthetics feel ripped wholesale from the pt-like boom years ago so it feels unoriginal#i hit a point where it handled a real world thing so fucking stupidly that i tapped out because i do not care to see#how awfully thats going to play out. it gives u a warning up front that there will be triggering content in it#heed that warning bc it is not subtle about it it is completely in your face with no artistry at all#i am not a believer you CANT approach triggering subjects i just think the way theyre doing it is fucking dumb#its dumb and shallow and feels completely uninformed by any real experience and its trite#7 years ago it wld have been passable. today its overdone and undercooked#and hey maybe it gets good further in. i have zero interest in waiting for that godbless and godspeed#if you enjoy it u enjoy it u dont gotta bother me w it. i think its bad and im allowed to <3
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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(
#mine#oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times#but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry#like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie#im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc#i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me#thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related#anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that#ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired#// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always#because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life#like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing#me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little#so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die#every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he#is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him#every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again#but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh#i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT#I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time#like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me#he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away
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it is friday. and we must stay silly.
#feeling like hot garbage due to the um. chronic everything. having a body very bad#so today hinges on staying distracted enough that i mostly forget#luckily theres 800 things to do today and im going to art studio exhibition after work no matter how unalive i am#even tho i fully expect to be in bed the rest of the weekend because of it#clinging to the silly with my fingernails not looking directly at the horrors IM GAY AND IM HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.#things no one cares about#ok no more typing wrists and hands broke </3
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feeling misery and despair about going back to work btw. im trying to suppress it and i did a good job but the inevitable is inevitable
#purrs#i had like 3 massive breakdowns at the end of the week incl one on friday when i was off. and then i was like ok. i am literally weak and sh#shaking from all of that let me just pretend none of it happened. and i did!!! i pretended so well that i have felt basicslly normal all#weekend. i played a lot of video games and i even went out twice.. once to a chorus concert on campus (which is big bc being on campus ummmm#is deeply agitating to me rn ♥️) and today to home depot w my family to wander around the plants and hear the birds. i am suppressing things#and i know i am but if i don’t think about thst i feel so normal. except now it’s 11:16 on a sunday night and i have work tomorrow. and i#know most of the horrors are over but there are still so many more fucking horrors ahead. saying goodbye to people i love and anniversaries#of things happening including today being the 4 year anniversary of a certain email lol. and i can FEEL the difference. the way my stomach#is in knots bc weekends are only so long (even long ones) and i can only hold back the horrors for a little while. it’s all temporary. augh.#i literally need like a whole month off i think. idk. work stuff has fucked up my mental health beyond belief this year and it’s so sad bc t#this is my dream job but im in so much mental pain and physical exhaustion constantly and they beget themselves and by the end of the week#im miserable. but the semester is about to end. but what if it doesn’t get better bc EVERY single god damn time we talk about how it’s gonna#get better it quite literally gets worse lol 💖 i can’t im not strong enough. coming up on 5 years here and im not fucking strong enough!#but i will heal eventually i think. i just need the horrors to cease for long enough for me to catch my breath (and other redacted things ♥️
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something that makes me feel guilty is the fact that seeing that persons face rn literally makes me angry. they walked into class and i nearly winced. and in all fairness they were quite kind to me. outside of the several kind of odd red flags. girl whatever. to be quite frank i am a horny bastard and vocal proud etc but few people interest me enough to actually want to hang out with and get to know And i have deep seated intimacy issues so it's like. we really dont have a shot unless the circumstances r exactly right on a full moon perfect thursday of a month etc like. well and tbh i probably would have fucked around with this person but i dont... care... about some big relationship w them.. and i know i could be a relationship girl like eventually i have it in me to have a muse that's what im built for i think idc but not rn... rn i need to hang out with my friends and do my film stuff and have people that maybe wanna make out sometimes is that so much to ask for. for a lesbian at a bar to want to make out perhaps. ** for there to be lesbians at the bars to potentially make out with.
#and i am quite lonely yes thank u for asking. yeah someday id love to get to know someone again in the context of falling in love#what about it. so what now. i dont think im meant for our understanding of romantic love but boy do i crave it#why am i having this moment rn. well ok consider im on my period all i could think about this morning was [redacted] and both parties#of my dyke drama were back in class today. and the one gay person that i think has a crush on me but we dont see each other super often#so im just. guessing based on the way awkward lesbians communicate. idk#and i feel really just mean but i quite literally dont have it in me to pretend to be nice to this person anymore#i wasnt like. some villain for realizing we were acting really coupley and being like oh shit because i didnt want to hurt them#. and trying to communicate and put some distance between us when i thought they were probably in too deep. it's unfortch it took me a sec#but jesus christ yk i cant walk around and feel awkward about it forever. and im frustrated by the fact that we're just acting so odd#but again frankly i think it's largely bc they have an unhealthy relationship with dating. THROWING HORIZONTAL PUNCHES HERE.#OK. STONES FROM A GLASS HOUSE. IM AWARE. REAL RECOGNIZES REAL.#and YET. despite my past insanity. ive been kind. i can understand disappointment and a little awkwardness#but jesus would you rather i pretend to be in love with you for months and then really break your heart.#this is where i get mean and make a joke like well hey if we couldve had weird really mediocre sad angry dyke sex abt it#that would have been cool with me. but alas. we're here instead and it's fucking with my friendships too#and like we were kind of ok friends too. what now. its just u me and this brick wall u built between us bitch#now was EYE not answering texts for a minute. we dont need to get into it.#because the thing IS if i dont play things exactly right. and im not good at that without prior planning. i will accidentally say or do#something that i know. again. from being insane myself. would be just enough for them to hold onto hope#and im not trying to do that to them you know. i was trying to help with the detachment. shitty as it may be. i dont fucking know dude#this post is going to make me look kind of. well. whatever u guys have seen me at my worst. mostly. and post#ok one last thing sorry if this makes me sound like i have a giant ego. like wow heres this person who really liked me and im just shitting#all over them. not what im meaning to do but whatever
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2/10/23
goal: 1000 / total: 821 / extra burned: 100 / net: 720 / weight: 94.5
disappointed in this. wouldve been less but i kinda blanked while eating goldfish and forgot to count them out bc i was too busy sorting them. oops. well its not that bad. i didnt end up getting to do my usual stuff so the day was very hard. i had planned to wait to eat till later or not at all but around 8pm i started feeling very ill and shakey so i decided to eat. unfortunate but whatever.
mad at myself for being hungry this morning since i had over 800 yesterday. my body is so pathetic. i fed it so much yesterday but even still.
#ugh. 821 thats so much i feel so bad#i know that ill still definitely lose weight if im eating that much daily but i feel pathetic for not going lower even when i wasnt#exercising. the main reason im able to maintain 97 and still eat 2000 a day is bc i exercise so much every day#my sedentary tdee is 1400 and i burn so much extra every day so it works out. i guess im lucky that my main coping mechanism that i use to#feel regulated and also happy (basically a hobby tbh) involves exercising. idk daydreams are more vivid when i skip around#makes me forget my body exists. and i do it so much that i burn a whole lot of calories#ugh. my body hurts rn. i should eat but idk what. should i go higher now and lower later or vice versa#im allowing myself to be ok with higher numbers today. nothing above 1100 but above 800 is ok#think its kinda silly that i always SAY my limit is 1000 but its actually not. but if i set my limit to anything less than im actually more#likely to meet it or go over. i more frequently get totals of 500 with this limit. i tell myself i can have a bigger meal later and then it#comes to bedtime and instead of eating i just go to bed. qhen its a lower amount i know i wont be able to eat anything larger so i am#doing way more counting of cals on everything to figure out what to eat later and it messes me up#and eating over 800 2 times a week isnt so bad. ill still lose weight. i feel bad tho. like im not disordered enough#but 800 is still a very small amount
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#today i am experiencing a very weird form of stress. one i have not felt since being an undergrad with no self awareness#like i stood at my door for like 15min today with my forehead resting on the wall. trying to get myself to go outside#and that has not happened in a loooong time#at least i managed to get some algae transferred. i did it while feeling halfway outside my body but i did no it#its just the interview i have tomorrow. idk y i agreed to it bc this one im like 90% sure i dont wanna go to#bc one its in new jersey and i dont wanna deal with east coast driving. also its not a ivy league school but its wanky enough that i felt#like i should look up whether it was or not. and i dont think i would b well suited to that sort of environment#also when i interviewed with the guy last time i was iffy abt him as a boss bc idk he felt kinda pretensions and very hands off#but his students like the lab so idk. the project would b cool but like idk not exactly what i want#so fucking idk what im gonna say tomorrow. i dont even kno whats supposed to happen#bc its like i had to pick 3 ppl to interview with but one dropped out and im like... r they just asking generic questions..???#so im anticipating a cluster fuck but ifk at least its not in person lol. hopefully itll b ok once i start talking#its just had me borderline incapacitated for the last 2 days#aye. i want it to be next week when im. hopefully. having fun touring a school i actually wanna go to#it would b cool to b near the ocean tho. ive never lived thst near an ocean#unrelated#sorry for being so whiney. this month is just a lot rip
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#personal#my brother has been writing online for a couple of years now and recently he started doing commissions#one of the commission has a gay story to it and it always made me go ??? like you someone who is openly homophobic writing for a woman who#specifically asked to include lesbian text as the moving reason for what's happening? and ofc bc I can never keep my mouth shut#today I was like (how are you writing this? for someone who says he doesn't believe /gay/ ppl have a right but not minding their money?)#his answer was (it's not im writing anything explicit...) then he back tracked and was like (ill tell you what dad always says two women#together can't be gay) and when I told him ok but as a homophobe (there is no such thing as homophobia don't fall me that to say homophobia#is like saying you are backwards and an idiot I am neither are you also not []) I feel dumb lmao#what else did I expect? why would I go and ask him that? isn't the answer clear enough? what's even more fucked imo is the commission comes#from one of his online friends? she is paying him 100+ dollars to write this and ok his writing is good but like he must not show her that#side of him and he has been writing so many chapters already it's cheap it's disgusting I shouldn't have said anything#at least from his words he must have forgot me stupidly kind of coming out at some point or is electing to ignore it fuck
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Once again my Tummy Hurts (TM) and I'm not being brave about it, except this time I'm convinced it's prolonged food poisoning or a parasite or Crohn's or ulceritis or IBS or SOMETHING REALLY BAD
#franposting#yes i am a hypochondriac but also yes food is agony and i feel SO BAD all the TIME ALL WEEK#i thought it was getting better. i even felt good enough to go work out on Wednesday and i didnt hurl#yesterday was mostly just acid reflux type pain so i was likr. ok#BUT TODAY??M THE AGONIES???#had i known my stomach was gonna be like this id havr stayed home#i have the brain itch i have to go to the gym but also#i literally cannot make it the entire hour i need for the gym#i am just. IN SO MUCH DISCOMFORT AND ILLNESS#also I have a guilty compulsion disorder and my brain is like#oh no if its contagious you Cant go to the gym#even tho its probably like. stomach acid reflux chronic stuff bc my stomach is a bitch#but what if its NOT#medical anxiety cw#everyday something new goes wrong#and im never sure if im making it up??? or its actually serious???#and it seems like everytime i ignore it its serious#and everytime i pursue it its nothing#and so everyone thinks im the boy who cried wolf#and im just!!! maybe i AM crazy but i cant be fabricating ALL of these symptoms yknow#i do not mentally control my DIGESTIVE SYSTEM
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real
#this is so mind numbingly exhausting i don't understand how everyone else seems to just do it?#it was such a weird day#started out in a good mood but then boss scolded these two interns cause of a mistake#and like he wasn't shouting exactly but he raised his voice and said so many things like you are so careless im suffering so many losses bc#bc of you outsiders are going to think i don't have a good team and i don't have control over my team#and how we should always note things down because we're so distracted and not serious#and how before going home everyday we should report to him what work we did today#i understand that he's being reasonable (maybe? idk) but it sounded so eerily horribly like my dad i couldn't function properly for an hour#why are men so similar everywhere#why am i SO scared i could feel the disappointment radiating off him and he wasn't even mad at me and i felt like a failure#which is so embarrassing like girl stop you are a 20 year old adult woman you will not cry at your workplace because an angry man triggered#your dad issues#and upar se there was a new intern at work one year younger than me and oh my god he was so annoying#like i talked to him first bc i pitied him like what if he felt alone it was only his second day but boy literally could not stop talking😭#like ok it's kinda cool that this senior di she trusted me enough to be like you teach him this project report this when ive only been#here for 3 weeks but bhai😭 he's so annoying 😭 i have newfound respect for the di how does she handle all 7-8 of us interns i would go#crazy and shout at everyone and tell them to leave me alone 😭 but she's so patient and kind and answers dumb questions 100 times#but she's leaving this office permanently from next month bc of her ca final :( i mean very good for her she deserves better more money#better work hours better office etc. but :(( she's leaving :((#as you can see i have both dad issues and abandonment issues so fun lol
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its almost midnight and im overwhelmed by love for my friends.......... i want to hug them all. they make me brave
#its the japan feels yes. KAKSKWKWKSS#ive always dreamt of a jpn trip and as a kid but honestly? let me be fr for a second. i have never imagined that id EVER be a place in my li#fe where id be emotionally aligned and stable enough to handle such a big trip. NEVER!!! it was like an unreachable dream ykno? smth id alwa#ys dream of and say 'yeah i really wanna go there someday<3' but would never actually be able to#now im 5 days away from my departure..... my found family of friends have all helped and supported me in becoming who i am today#and gosh i love them all so much.... so much.. !!!!!!! my heart is literally bursting !!!! with love!!!#my first instinctual thought 'gosh i dont deserve them' but ya know what!!! i DO deserve them!! ive been thru so much and they are my bigge#st reprieve. i deserve i deserve and i love them. THESE R VERY BIG EMOTIONS OK SKSKSKWKWN#i didnt think id have to put emotional epiphany (positive) on my list of japan stuff#ILL TRY ND SLEEP NOW <3
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vent
#had an issue a while ago where my bf was leaving his dirty clothes in piles on the floor which is fine except when the piles#are kept in the same room as the litterbox and the cat takes that as a cue to start pissing in piles of clothes#so i told him he couldnt do it anymore he said ok and then a bit later i caught the cat right as he was abt to piss in said clothes again#and when i was like 'hey i said you cant do this it can ruin your clothes if it gets left there' and he was like 'oh yeah i know but it's#my clothes so that's a risk i just decided to take' which uhhhh No????? no in so many ways?????????#but i didnt process how wack that is at the time so i just moved on and was like 'no but for real you cant do this anymore like not#a suggestion like legit This Cannot Continur Happening bc the end of this road is that the cat learns pissing in clothes piles is#ok whenever he wants' which did actually get him to stop but that was apparently enough learning time for mr carrot#we've had a few issues with it not toooo bad but its definitely been getting steadily more frequent#anyways guess whose electric blanket got pissed in today bc he left it in a pile on the floor and taught the cat its ok to piss in those#im having trouble giving a shit about it in the ways i should#like. idc that the blanket is maybe ruined#when he bought it he said it was for both of us but its just his so like idc but what i AM feeling is mad at him#cause like. i told him not to#and i shouldn't have HAD to tell him not to‚ 'the cat is pissing in my clothes so i will make it no longer possible for that to happen'#should be a no brainer i cannot imagine going 'welp i guess if it happens it happens' ITS PISS IN YOUR CLOTHES SITTING STALE FOR#WHO KNOWS HOW LONG and now we have to be hypervigilant abt Any Fabric Ever and who knows if itll escalate even further#hes already escalated from exclusively floor fabric to pissing in MY clothes that i was keeping on a table#like. the next stop is obviously couches/beds but like once they learn something its real hard to train them not to#and im just. frustrated that this is just gonna be yet another thing i have to deal with all the time when he shouldve just#Not Decided It Was Fine For The Cat To Piss In His Clothes In The First Place Hello?????!!!#but i also feel bad bc i feel like im holding a grudge about something small but i also Cant Let It Go#usually when the thing im mad abt is something insignificant its annoying for a bit then i let go but im just like !!!!!! what the fuck!!!!#idk. whatever#its his problem now idk how to get the heating psrt separate from the blanket part so i just sprayed some urine enzyme#on it and he can figure out wtf to do with in once he gets home in like two hours#and if thats too long and the smell gets baked in. oh well i guess#he hasnt been able to smell since we got covid anyways so like. its whatever i guess he can stew in a cat piss blanket if he wants#but i also cant tell if this is just a side effect of my General Irritability over the last few months and i really am mad abt nothing#ESPECIALLY because i keep saying it doesnt really directly effect me at this point then its like ok why are you so mad abt it then
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