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werewolfdays · 2 years

Note

Fluff #20 please

it's a good thing I label things in my docs cause I wouldn't have remembered which one this was (at least I hope this is the right one) 😬 Anyway SO sorry this took ages and ages to get to, but I'm happy that I'm easing back into writing again and I had fun with this one. Hope you enjoy!

20. Sender lifts receiver’s chin, invoking eye contact.

The annoying sound of my alarm pulled me out of a deep sleep. I grumbled and slapped at my phone on the nightstand until it shut up. Once an enticing silence filled the room, I rolled over and groggily reached out for her in the space next to me. Finding the bed empty was always a more effective means of forcing me into consciousness. A part of me will always be afraid of waking up without Jayde – of having to relive the grief that losing her put me through.

Luckily, when I shot bolt upright to search for her in a confused panic, I saw the note on her pillow. In my drowsy state, I snatched it, and fell back onto my side of the bed with a dramatic bounce. After rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I absentmindedly fumbled for my glasses on the nightstand.

Had more bad dreams and didn’t want to wake you. I’m going out to do night shift patrols. Might do morning too. Don’t worry, I’ll be home by noon. Love you. -J

My lips pursed as I sighed. Nightmares had crept up on Jayde out of nowhere for the past several nights. It’s kept the both of us up and I quickly ran out of ideas to ease her torment. Seeing her grow progressively more exhausted every day was hard to witness. I could only do so much for her and I felt helpless when the mental lows dragged on longer than usual. Being there for her made me feel a little less useless, so I became disappointed that I hadn’t been roused when she suffered.

Searching for threats all night and all morning with hardly any sleep didn’t exactly sound like a good solution. Jayde probably banked on patrols tiring her out enough to get a somewhat decent rest later. At least, I hoped that was her motive. Jayde’s coping mechanisms could be unpredictable.

Now that I was sufficiently worried, I put the note down and pulled myself out of bed to start the day.

I powered through a distracted breakfast, going back and forth on whether or not to send someone for her. Jayde could get hurt out there. I’m sure Skye or Toby would agree to check on her if she didn’t return when she said.

Being burnt out wouldn’t stop Jayde from defending herself if she had to. My girlfriend was a force to be reckoned with on bad days just as much as on good ones, I needed to remember that.

But then the possibility of her falling into a panic attack made me anxious. There had to be a hundred terrible things swirling around in her mind that had been brought to the surface during her recent nightmares. With her guard lowered from a lack of sleep, I feared the slightest thing might trigger a reaction. She should never have to endure that alone.

Noon came and went without any sign of Jayde. My anxiety rose as the sun readied its descent. Not even the few patients that came to see me in the clinic took my mind off of things. All kinds of scenarios ran through my head the longer her absence continued and I wondered if this was how Jayde felt whenever I made her worried sick.

I decided to close the clinic a little early and make my way to the Den. Toby nodded as I approached the bar. He wordlessly started to make my usual after work tea, but I had an important question. “Have you heard from Jayde at all today?”

He shook his head. “Isn’t she on patrol?”

Disappointment sunk in my gut. “Yeah. Since last night.”

“Oh.” Toby tried to hide it, but I still caught the alarmed glint in his dark brown eyes.

“Exactly,” I said with a heavy sigh. “Do you think you can go out there and bring her home?”

A pained expression twisted his features as he lifted a regretful shoulder. “When she gets like this… she doesn’t really listen to me much. It’s always a dismissive excuse until she’s done wearing herself out. I’m sure it can’t be that much longer.”

Waiting didn’t appeal to me at all. I chewed on my bottom lip and tapped my fingers on the bar in thought. “I think I might know how to get her to come back.”

“How?”

“I’m gonna have to go out there myself.”

Toby completely stopped what he was doing. “Now that isn’t a good idea, Nadya.”

“It’s been days since she got a decent rest and she’s been out there since before the sun came up,” I pointed out. “She’ll follow me home herself to keep me safe.”

“And be pissed that you went into a restricted section of the property, ‘cause, you know, you could get bit or mauled.” Sarcastic as his tone sounded, the words were true.

I shrugged. “At least she won’t be thinking about her bad dreams.”

“Jesus,” Toby scoffed. “You sound like her, you know that?”

I forced a casual smirk to stoke the resemblance. “I’ll bring protection, it’ll be fine.”

“Nadya, seriously, let me at least go with you.”

“That’ll defeat the purpose. Jayde will just make you be the one to escort me back.”

He threw his hands in the air. “You’re supposed to be the responsible one!”

“See you at dinner,” I chuckled softly and turned on my heel to head towards my room.

I retrieved my hiking bag out of the closet, but hesitated before closing the door. Toby was right, Jayde won’t be happy about the fact I crossed lines I shouldn’t. If I came prepared, though, she might not be as upset with me going out to find her. After the moment passed, I steeled my resolve and pushed coats and clothes aside.

I put it in the closet, right?

Halfway into rummaging through our stuff, it clicked. I remembered that I put it behind the bookshelf because Jayde kept her weapons in the closet. There were very limited places that I could keep it away from Jayde, yet close enough to grab during an emergency.

I reluctantly knelt down beside the tall bookshelf and slid my fingers in the space between the wall and the shelf until I felt an edge of the long, thin box that I had not touched since the day Jayde gave it to me. The first week I lived here, she had presented it as a gift after I asked for permission to hike some of the trails on my own.

I pulled the sleek box out and flipped it open with a snap. Inside, the silver knife that belonged to a dead hunter remained pristine in its sheath. Untouched. Awaiting a purpose I hoped would never come.

Not a single bone in my body ever intended to use this knife. Honestly, I had been more than a little horrified when Jayde gave me a weapon capable of hurting her so badly. I didn’t want to own anything silver. However, she had been adamant about the knife keeping me safe from any wolves that might get the wrong idea or ones unable to control their urges. I told her I would carry it with me whenever I went out on my own, but I was convinced I didn’t need it. After a few trails had been marked for my safety – as well as any other humans that visited the Lodge –, everyone knew where they needed to go on the property. That should be good enough.

I sighed and attached the weapon to my belt. It felt wrong.

With how massive the perimeter is, I studied Jayde's map of the property marked with patrol routes. I didn’t have a lot of daylight left, so I made a guess on where to start and hurried off.

The entire forest felt calmer than usual as I navigated the twists and turns carved out into the earth by both boots and paws. I understood why Jayde came out here to soothe her demons. There really wasn’t any better medicine for a troubled mind than the expansive world of crisp air and lush greenery. For a moment I felt unsure about venturing out here, but I wanted to be certain that she was okay.

Using some of the tracking skills I picked up from Toby, I eventually spotted a cluster of fresh pawprints in the soft dirt, possibly alluding to a recent patrol. I headed in the direction they went and kept my senses alert for any movement as I entered a restricted section of the property.

I didn’t really feel afraid in the beginning, though the forest seemed to grow denser around me the deeper I went. It swallowed me like a maw full of gangly teeth. Wind groaned through the branches like a ghostly howl. The thick brush served as perfect camouflage for most of the common coat colors I’d seen on other werewolves. I wouldn’t know if I had a shadow until they wanted me to know. For the very first time, I became unnerved in these woods.

The pace of my steps slowed significantly to not drown out any potential footfalls that weren’t my own. I didn’t want to prolong my time across boundaries, but I also didn’t want to abandon caution either. With any luck, the only people aware of my presence at all would be the patrol.

I briefly wondered if I might get into trouble for coming out here. Maybe they had citations for humans that visited the Lodge and violated certain rules. Although, I felt unsure if there even was an official rule since I hadn’t seen any other humans stay on the property. I guess I’ll find out, but any repercussions will be worth it for Jayde.

A snap of a twig made me flinch, my hand immediately flying towards the knife on my hip. After a quick scan of my surroundings, I convinced myself it had been nothing to worry about, and continued on the trail. I shouldn’t let the paranoia and guilt cause my emotions to fluctuate. Jayde mentioned the scents of negative emotions could overwhelm some wolves.

I must have hiked at least a mile into the woods without many signs of the werewolves I knew roamed around in these parts. Jayde could honestly be on the other side of the property, meaning I not only wasted my time, but I put myself in potential danger for nothing.

This will definitely put her in a wonderful mood. Great work, Nadya, I thought and rolled my eyes at myself.

Dusk started to bring darkness. A flashlight rested in the pocket of my backpack, but I wasn’t eager to explore in the night. I made the reluctant decision to turn around and simply hope I’ll run into Jayde on my way back. Maybe she had returned to the Lodge in my absence.

I only traveled a handful of paces when I suddenly heard a low, guttural growl that seemed to vibrate through the loose earth under my boots to shake my bones. My entire body froze. Invisible fingers of ice tickled at the back of my neck. No way would I be able to reach my knife in time if this wolf chose to attack, but I slowly turned my head to the side to at least calculate my chances of running away.

A light gray wolf stood with their ears pinned back and their hackles raised as another chilling snarl rumbled out of their chest. But I realized they did not direct the warning at me. No, they faced another wolf.

This rust colored wolf’s gaze kept shifting from the gray wolf to me, and I realized that the gray one stood between us purposefully. They were protecting me. I noted that the yellow eyes of the rust colored wolf twinkled almost hungrily in my direction. Their intentions, while not fully clear, didn’t come off as friendly in the slightest. In fact, I got the impression that I had been stalked for an unknown amount of time. The gray wolf took an aggressive step towards them, hackles raised, and the russet wolf finally backed down. With an indignant shake of their ruff, the mischievous werewolf bounded off and disappeared into the forest.

A massive sigh of relief allowed me to relax all of my tense muscles. I opened my mouth to thank the gray wolf, but they turned around to fix me with the same displeased glare. Their quiet grumble informed me of their irritation at my presence just as much as words would have.

“I know, I know,” I admitted sheepishly. “I shouldn’t be out here and I’m really sorry. I was just looking for Jayde.”

Their icy blue eyes narrowed. This had to be one of her patrol partners.

I attempted to reason some more. “I know you know that she’s been out here too long. I’m worried about her. She needs to come home now.”

The wolf gave a disgruntled huff, but then tipped their head towards the sky and released a long howl. A couple silent beats passed before answering howls ignited the forest. No matter how many times I heard a werewolf's howl, it was no less entrancing. If I listened closely, I could pick out her beautiful voice from the chorus. I guessed that my protector heard it, too. They nodded at me to follow them and I wasted no time trying to keep up with their quadrupedal form.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I recognize you like this,” I said to break the silence. Not that they could answer me with words, but I could still guess. By their stature and the look in their eyes, I thought I had a decent idea. “Are you Lee?”

An ear flicked back towards me, followed by an affirming grunt.

“It’s a good thing I got it right the first time, huh? This could have been awkward,” I joked.

The silent glare I received was very much not amused. I decided to shut up until he brought me to Jayde.

A little while later, I picked up on the telltale rush of the river that ran all the way down the valley into town. A small clearing opened up by the bank where a group of wolves waited for our arrival. Some of them seemed to enjoy the break from patrolling. A pair were curled up together and playfully nipping at each other's ears. A few lapped at the running water and shook dirt off their coats. One stood guard on top of a large boulder, though they looked rather unbothered in the presence of their company.

Every pair of glowing eyes turned towards me as soon as I set foot in the clearing. I might as well be lit up by a spotlight. It felt like the first time I had to give a presentation in school. Their gazes scrutinized me for interrupting their work and I certainly couldn’t blame them. The best I could do was finish my business quickly and get out of their way. Nerves tightened my throat as I searched the wolfish faces for Jayde.

Then a familiar large white wolf appeared from the other side of the boulder. She stopped dead in her tracks as soon as she saw me. I offered an apologetic smile. “Hi, Jay.”

Jayde shook her ruff with a low grumble and approached me with purpose. On all fours, her shoulders were well above my hips. She used the advantage of her height to thoroughly inspect every inch of me. Her golden eyes briefly flashed towards mine when she noted the silver knife. I allowed her to find reassurance in my armed and unscathed state before I explained my unexpected appearance.

“It’s gonna be dark soon.” I tentatively reached out to run a hand through her coarse fur. The patches behind her ears were always the softest. “Are you coming home?”

While she didn’t shrug off my touch, she still lightly growled in displeasure. Jayde gently took my sleeve between her teeth and led me away from the clearing. Once we were far enough, she released my shirt and nudged me further ahead with her nose. I noticed that she threw a glance towards Lee, who wordlessly took his place by my side again. No words needed to be spoken for me to understand she was sending me back without her.

I planted my feet. “Hey, wait a second, you’re not coming with me?”

Jayde motioned up at the setting sun through the trees and shook her head. Patrol doesn’t switch shifts until after sundown. I had a sneaking suspicion that she’d still be out here by then.

“You promised to be back by noon,” I reminded her. When she wouldn’t look at me, I lifted her chin until the deep amber glow of her eyes met my mundane ones. “I’ve been worried about you all day.” My index finger scratched at the soft fur under her jaw, but she still held her ground. I sighed. “Look, if you really need to stay, then I’ll leave with Lee, but I’d really rather it be you.”

She hesitated for several seconds, her intense wolfish gaze locked on me. It was always harder for me to tell what went on in her head when she was a wolf, but I held on to the hope that maybe Jayde would give in to her exhaustion. My silent wish turned into reality as soon as her ears finally folded back. She nuzzled into my hand with a low whine and I placed a kiss on her forehead with a smile, which made her tail tuck in.

Such a puppy sometimes.

“Let’s go,” I said, fondly brushing my fingers across her snout. Then I turned to the gray wolf. “Thank you, Lee. I’m really sorry again.”

He gave me a single nod in acknowledgement and returned to the others. A better reaction than I thought I’d get.

Our trek back to the Lodge went by slowly. Whatever facade Jayde had put on for the others to hide her exhaustion crumbled once it became just the two of us. Her pace was sluggish and her head hung low. She even stumbled on a root. To help her conserve what little energy she had, I remained fairly quiet. Not that we could have made much conversation anyway. All I wanted was to get her home and in bed. Surely the long, undisturbed rest she’s been needing will finally come.

The lights from the Lodge in the distance served as a beacon once the sun had fallen too low to offer me any useful light. Jayde may be by my side, but I still looked over my shoulder every now and then for the shadow I had earlier. That wolf must be long gone, but it still unnerved me that they had followed my trail for an unknown amount of time before Lee shooed them off.

Before long, the warm embrace of our room filled us both with relief. I shut the door behind us and headed for the bathroom. “I’ll meet you in the shower,” I told Jayde just as she started to shift back.

I let hot water wash away all the grime and soothe my muscles from my impromptu hike. It felt so good that I simply stood under the showerhead and closed my eyes for what had to be minutes. Only when I felt a familiar presence enter the shower behind me did I open them and turn around.

Jayde looked even more worn out in her human form. Dark circles hung under her half lidded eyes. Her usually straight posture slumped like her head weighed three times more than it did. I noted a slight wobble in her legs from running around all day. Not a single regret plagued me. She’d definitely still be out there pushing herself to the bone if I hadn’t gone for her.

“You could’ve gotten hurt,” she scolded before I got the chance to say anything. Even her voice sounded heavy.

I smiled warmly and reached out to cup the back of her neck. Jayde was too tired to protest the shower-drenched kiss I pressed to her lips. I felt some life breathe back into her when I gave her mouth a few light strokes with my own. She parted her lips and swayed into me, her hands landing on my hips to find balance.

“Get under the water,” I softly instructed. “Let me wash you.”

Jayde found her resolve for a moment after we broke apart. “I’m serious. Don’t do that again.”

I switched our positions and pushed her hair back as the steaming water flowed over her body. Then I kissed her again with the intent to subdue her worries as well as my own. Her muscles went slack and her lips followed mine when I pulled away. “It was a one time thing, I promise.”

She released a sigh of relief and rested her forehead against mine. “Okay. I’m sorry I worried you.”

“You’re home now,” I murmured.

Jayde’s lips delicately caressed mine once more. “I am.”

I took it upon myself to methodically clean most of her body. I started with her hair, massaging shampoo and then conditioner into her scalp. Her eyes remained blissfully closed for the entire thing like she was at a spa. I held back laughter. Then she rested her head on my shoulder, practically melting against me as I dragged a washcloth up and down her back. A part of me thought I should have drawn a bath.

“Did Lee spook you?” she mumbled into my skin.

“What do you mean?”

A quiet hum echoed off the tiles. “You were afraid earlier. I could sense it.”

“Oh.” At first I wasn’t sure if I should tell her about the other wolf, but I knew she’d hear it from Lee if she didn’t hear it from me. “No, there was someone else out there. They got a bit too close, but Lee sent them on their way.”

That made her lift her head up to frown at me. “Were they stalking you?”

The worried furrow in her brow needed to go away, so I lied. “No, I’m pretty sure we just stumbled across each other’s paths. They blended in really well with the forest.”

My words seemed to appease her for now. That or she didn’t have the energy while I was safe in her presence. Jayde relaxed back into my arms. “Alright. I’m glad you had your knife. Especially considering it’s been behind the bookshelf since I gave it to you.”

Of course she's known this whole time.

“I hate that thing,” I admitted.

“Take it with you more. Even on the safer trails.”

“Jay –”

“For me, Nadya,” she quietly pleaded.

“Okay,” I agreed. To lighten the mood, I went for a different subject. “Are you gonna be up for some dinner after we get out?”

“Honestly, I just wanna sleep for a week.”

“That’s about how much you need to catch up on.”

“I fucking feel it,” she groaned.

I kissed the side of her head. “Let’s finish up, then.”

Once we were both clean, I took Jayde’s hand and led her out of the shower. She looked about ready to pass out at any given second. Getting dressed seemed to be too strenuous a task for her tonight, so I picked out some comfortable clothes and helped her into them. Only then did I start to feel the toll on my own body. While I had gotten more sleep than Jayde, I still missed a full uninterrupted night’s rest for several days in a row. It might be considered a bit too early to turn in for the night, but neither of us cared.

With one of Jayde’s flannels comfortably on my shoulders and the softest pair of shorts I owned on my hips, I jumped into bed and let myself sink into the mattress. “This is what dreams are made of.”

Jayde managed to chuckle at my dramatics. “You are way too tempting.”

I glanced over to see her standing at the edge of the bed, eyes tracing my bare legs. Desire won out and she delicately brushed my thigh with the back of her fingers, bringing forth a wave of goosebumps along my skin. A knowing smirk tugged at the corners of my mouth. “Come here.”

At the sound of my beckoning voice, Jayde carefully crawled on top of me. Her lips landed on mine with a passionate, yet lazy cadence. The sensations calmed everything from my heart to the air that left my lungs, making time itself seem to slow down around us.

Our legs became as entwined as our shared sighs of tranquility. Jayde could smell emotions. I wondered if she could taste them, too, because nothing felt more reverent than her clipped breath passing through my parted lips. Or the way the silky heat of her tongue graced mine.

Her mouth traveled to my neck where she placed a few wet kisses that were more chaste than I expected. I felt the bridge of her nose nuzzle just underneath my ear as she whispered, “I just want to fall asleep with you.”

I played with her hair, curling the damp blonde strands around my fingers. “Then close your eyes.”

“What if I just have more bad dreams?”

“You won’t,” I said confidently. “They’re done with you for now.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I said so.”

Jayde’s soft chuckle tickled my skin. She kissed my pulsepoint one more time and pushed herself up. Curiosity made me blink as she reached over to my nightstand and grabbed my glasses. A laugh pushed out of my lungs as she placed them on me with intent and gave me a playful peck. “Will you read to me, my love?”

I wanted to make a joke asking if this is how we get freaky in bed, but the tired and adorably expectant look on her face caused me to focus on nothing else besides her earnest request. I retrieved my current novel from the nightstand. “Of course.”

Jayde happily nestled down against me. With a long-winded sigh, her body completely melted on top of mine like a warm weighted blanket. I opened the book and propped it up on the back of her shoulders. As soon as I started to read aloud, I felt her relax even more. She found a spot in the crook of my neck to rest her lips until her measured breaths evened out to the steady rhythm of sleep. I still read on for quite a while, knowing the vibration of my voice would keep the nightmares away.

#asks #anon #original story #original writing #original characters #werewolves #my writing #my ocs #me @ me: ok this is a prompt you can keep it short *writes ten pages*#this has been sitting in my wips forever too and I almost gave up on it #but I couldn't get the end fluff out of my head #I'm happy that I was able to finish it #I also like writing Nadya being risky and maybe not making the smartest decisions #but she loves Jayde and worries so easily #Nadya pov

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veebs-hates-video-games · 4 months

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Recent attempts to find something my brain is willing to stick with for any significant amount of time at once aren't going super well.

The good news is I made a little more progress on history mode in Fire Emblem Warriors when I got burned out on Shadows of Valentia. Once every several months I go back to it and do a little bit more, and any year now I'll either run out of stuff to do in it or finally decide I've had enough. In the meantime it's nice to check off a few more things in my spreadsheet for it every now and then.

I did a few more runs of Little Noah: Scion of Paradise too after not having touched it in like a year and a half. It's always really fun at first for a little while, but then I feel like I'm not making much progress very quickly and lose motivation. I do still really like the Bravely Default-adjacent character designs and some of the gameplay mechanics, but something about it never quite clicks for long enough for me.

I finally gave in and started Project X Zone instead of waiting until I'm done with playing/replaying all the Xeno games like I'd planned (at least partly because the older ones are being emulated on my computer, and it's a lot harder for me to see that screen than one I can hold up close). I love how ridiculous a crossover it is between so many things, and the plot is completely nonsense, and there are fun interactions between characters who shouldn't even know each other, and the animations and stuff are really over the top.

On the other hand it's an extremely mid SRPG and getting really tedious really quickly. The tutorial barely exists and doesn't teach you about how like 90% of the things in the game work and expects you to dig through menus to read like 7000 separate info screens explaining it all instead. I still have no idea how a bunch of really basic/important stuff works because my brain decided reading that much at once was bad and I haven't made it through it all.

On the other hand none of that matters because the game seems trivially easy so far, and while the map layouts initially seem more interesting than SoV's they really aren't. It's terrible at presenting a lot of the relevant information, you have very few ways of interacting with the map or units on it, and so far like a dozen chapters in it doesn't even matter that it's a pain in the ass to check enemy attack ranges because nothing ever kills me anyway. We'll see how much longer I last.

And then after getting a little burned out on slogging through too many maps of that one over the past few days I decided to give Three Houses one more chance to see if it at least doesn't make me motion sick/give me migraines anymore. Jury's still out on that, and I don't think we're ever going to find out because I forgot how much I don't like running around the monastery even aside from that being the part that makes me sick. The UI also leaves something to be desired. I like the characters and the world and stuff, but when it comes to actually playing it as a game I definitely have bigger problems with it than I did with SoV, which I at least made it most of the way through before getting frustrated. Also call me a hater but Byleth is easily my least favorite avatar character out of the FE games I've played.

The quest continues for something I can actually play without my brain protesting.

#fire emblem warriors #fire emblem series #nintendo warriors series #musou series #little noah: scion of paradise #project x zone #project x zone series #fire emblem: three houses #mentioned:#fire emblem echoes: shadows of valentia #xeno series

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vrell-is-not-alone · 2 years

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#2: Motivation is a bitch

I remember early in my college career, the classical excuse for never getting anything done was always "I don't have enough time." But honestly, now that I have more experience, time itself is not inherently the issue. If I was able to use my time effectively and efficiently, I could easily get everything done with tons of time to spare. The problem is using my time effectively and efficiently. I've found as time goes on, I am less and less capable of doing that. There was a point in time when I was able to juggle 17 credit hours and living on my own and all the responsibilities of adulthood without a ton of effort. A time that I maintained (mostly (fuck you that one professor who targeted me and caused me to lose my 4.0 GPA)) straight A's with relative ease. And yet now, I'm struggling at 12 credit hours, wondering if I'm gonna pass my classes and not even turn in some assignments or do some quizzes. And I look back, and ask how the fuck did I get here? There are a lot of reasons for this, most of which I am still unpacking and figuring out, but a very important one on my mind recently is the issue of "Motivation." Motivation is an amazing thing. It makes it really easy to just do things. Motivation cannot be forced. You either have it, or you don't, and many factors such as mood and mental health can play into it. In general though, I find having a goal I want to achieve that I can realistically achieve and can see my progress towards is an amazing formula for having motivation. However, I don't have motivation. At least not for the two big things I need to do right now, which are 1) continuing college/achieving my computer science degree, and 2) getting everything together for an SRS I hope to get next summer. A lack of motivation in these wouldn't be a big issue if they weren't time sensitive. If I could just hold off until I felt better, was recharged, and could force the work to be done with willpower, it would get done and it would get done well. But I can't do that for reasons I may detail in a later post. And I want to highlight the two main ways that I've lost motivation in my life, namely: no longer wanting the goal I was working towards or believing the goal is likely unobtainable. For the first, I remember being a senior in high school, deciding on my degree, and saying "Hey, I could do CS. I am decently good at tolerating programming/debugging and I'm good at it." And thus, at the start of my college career, I had a goal I wanted. And then as time went on, I realized that CS was not programming. A programmer programs. A software developer (the closest job title that I'd likely get with my CS degree AFAIK) manages teams of programmers and does the higher level design. They don't necessarily program. Add on the extreme business focus towards the end of my degree and the pain of terrible professors (there is a few reasons why CS is the highest drop rate major in engineering at my university and they get a LOT of complaints from us) and it gets nigh impossible to feel that this is worth it anymore. It's not what I want to do. I don't want the goal I used to be working towards. But I don't have another choice financially. And so I am stuck here. For the second, when I get depressed, I get pessimistic. And right now, my upcoming SRS that I have vaguely planned out is kinda muddy on whether or not it'll be possible to get. I really, really need to get it this summer since if I don't, I may not have a window where I can take time to recover (gotta love US work culture) for the next few years. And yet, so many things have to go perfectly for this window to be met. My insurance has to cover the procedure. Electrolysis has to be finished in a relatively short time frame. The meetings with the surgeons need to go well. I have to have a plan in place for recovery. I need to scrounge together enough funds to cover my expenses post-insurance. And to make it all worse, it's nigh-impossible to find good information on this stuff. It's all so fucking vague and everything comes with the asterisk of "your mileage may vary." And so while I can sometimes be hopeful about it, when I get pessimistic, it all feels impossible. And it might be impossible, so I can't even dissuade those pessimistic worries with logic. And it's impossible, why waste my money and time and effort on it? And thus the motivation is lost. So yeah. Motivation is a bitch. And I desperately need her. - Vrell, Depressed Trans Girl

#hate my degree #the fuck is a hashtag #wall of text #RoaDTG is a terrible acronym

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joeyqu · 2 years

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Anxiety came like flame...

Actually, I don't know how to start it. But there's definitely something that is continuously urging me to write something, to express something inside me, to let it out, or I'll break down.

Day and night have reversed in the past several months, as a result of my terrible schedule or side effects of medicine, or any other sort of stuff, I don't know. However, it has affected my life, my study, and even my future, or more severely, ruined me, which seems so apparently. I've missed most of my course lectures, tutorials, any process that I should be present. I've missed one assignment and messed up several tutorial dues. No process on my research intern work, nor on IELTS preparation, even no fun here. On weekends, all I was doing, was just sleeping, lying on the bed, eating nothing, and scrolling phones. No progress neither on study nor on fun.

Am I in depression now? Well actually I always forget to take medicine on time, which may contribute to the reborn of negative emotions, then after that, I regretted, hated myself, and my bad moods became more and more severe, which definitely formed a positive feedback, and make everything out of normal route.

I don't know how to cope with it. My future is covered by thick mist, with no light or clear figure appearing. I've been hesitating around the intersection of the crossing of my life, for so long that I've missed many opportunities. No internship or even a little achievement in research work. I acknowledge that I'm not a motivated dude, always losing power or energy or enthusiasm to do something. Certainly, there's a strong ambition flowing in my mind, but with no motivation or ability to match it. My pain may come from it.

All I know, is that, anxiety itself becomes stronger and stronger, like a flame, running around my mind, my heart, and my feelings. I can't breathe now. Just return to dust, a voice whispered.

0 notes

pretenditsclever123 · 2 years

Text

Meta Betta Be Better

I have mixed feelings about Mark Zuckerberg. On the one hand, he has created a company from the ground up, but on the other hand, he is not running that company well, nor should he even be in a position of power. Much is known about the creation of Facebook as it was born in the digital age, and not that long ago may I add. Its creation was started at Cambridge by Mark Zuckerberg surrounded by ambiguous beginnings. Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss twins sued Mark and won a $65 million settlement. So, the beginnings of Facebook were already not off to a great start.

Mark is already a sketchy guy with sketchy motivations, but he also makes terrible judgment calls and does not care about the harmful impacts that he causes. Leaked documents from Facebook show that Mark knowingly tried to hide research that revealed the negative effects that Facebook was having on mental health in teenagers. Mark was aware of the drastic impacts that his company was having on the youth and wanted to keep that quiet, and out of the eyes of the public. The only reason it reached the public's view is that somebody had enough of a conscience to speak up and say something, even though they knew it meant losing their job and everything that they had worked for.

Social media connects people to each other. Social media keeps us in contact with people we would not normally see. It binds us together and it also can tear us apart. Boomers, Generation X, and even some millennials use Facebook. Gen z and some millennials find themselves more on Instagram. Yet, Instagram is still owned and operated by Facebook.

I always emphasized the impact of being aware of one's digital footprint. However, as generations progress Instagram becomes less and less formal a social media, as the trend “keep Instagram casual” continues. People are posting more and more about their private lives and worldly escapades even if some may find what they post inappropriate. It's my feeling though that as fewer and fewer boomers are in positions of power and scrutiny over one's Internet presence and what they post will become less and less informal. I still believe that it's important to monitor what you put online because it can be traced back to you and will live with you as long as the internet does. We already know all this anyway. Everyone's very aware that the internet is forever and that what you post will stay up forever, but it's fun to stay connected and see what people do and different trends and follow what's going on in the world. Until there is a better alternative people will continue to use these services.

Unfortunately, this is recognized by the ultra-rich and the ultra-wealthy and is taken advantage of by people like Elon Musk who think that they can just buy Twitter and make whatever executive decisions they want and it won't have large-scale impacts. I'm aware that Elon Musk is not Mark Zuckerberg and they're two very different people with two very different ideologies but at their core, I think they are two people that have lost touch with the everyday person's reality and continue to make decisions that benefit their company and not the world. Everyone's focused on how to monetize happiness and anger and this can lead to dangerous outcomes.

In the spirit of what they call “Freedom of Speech” Facebook does little to monitor hate speech, racism, xenophobia, Anti-Semitism, and misinformation. Facebook is full of chat rooms and groups that have people in them that have extremely unsavory views of the world and their fellow humans. some would say, like myself, it's the responsibility of these big companies to monitor and be aware of these harmful groups. Only recently did meta (because by the way, Facebook changed its name to meta so it would not keep that bad connotation in addition to adding the metaverse to its list of services) take down 480 Facebook groups related to the “Proud Boys”. This group of people is known to have attempted to help cause the insurrection on January 6th and other anti-symmetric gatherings in Charlottesville. Much of the organization and rallying of support happened on social media websites such as Facebook. Of course, after the fact, Meta is going to do something because it doesn't want to go down with the sinking ship. Meta stands there as though this one good deed wipes their hands clean of all of the missed signals that they ignored as they allowed hate groups to operate on their servers. Nazis can still have a Facebook and won't get flagged.

Source: Forbs

Some crucial techniques that Mark has implemented that have been to his benefit are the rebranding of the company and calling it Meta. Meta is moving in a different direction than Facebook Meta is looking towards the future and what the future might hold for technology companies and companies that look to innovate. The top story in recent times has been the metaverse and all the buzz that has been surrounding this concept. It was Mark's hope that we would one day find ourselves doing business, hanging out with friends, and playing games all inside the metaverse. In my opinion, I don’t think we are headed in that direction because I don’t think the technology is sophisticated enough to be enticing to consumers. The profiles look more like a Mii from the Wii than anything that I would want to take seriously and do business with. I think the concept is ahead of its time. In addition, people have just started to re-enter the world after a pandemic and are very much not in the mood for more technological virtual automation to help them interact with others. It's my line of thought that we still crave human connection, and we are far from removing ourselves willingly from the real world.

I see a potential for video games and insane movie-viewing experiences that might take place in the metaverse. The concept is really cool and if they could more accurately create the world from the hit movie “Ready Player One” People would be much more excited to get involved and create that reality. So from a business standpoint, I understand that Mark is trying to continuously innovate and push for new ideas and new consumers, Meta cannot sustain itself on Facebook and Instagram. The way things are going right now people are talking about how Twitter might die out now that Elon bought it. Who knows how long Facebook and Instagram might last. I know people below the age of 25 do not have Facebook anymore. The next generation of people is not getting on Facebook. How long until Instagram also dies out. It is only a matter of time before these things happen. That is why Mark is so desperately searching for that ever-updatable service that will draw in younger users and create a platform that will generate sustainable growth for years to come. He thinks that is the Metaverse.

There is no way of knowing for sure what's going to happen with any big tech company as the world spins on. All I know is that I believe that big tech it's almost at its maturity phase in the product lifecycle. It's still growing because new social media platforms are rising in popularity for example “be real” is an extremely popular app right now. I have managed to not download it and get sucked in. However, the concept is fairly simple, at random points in the day everyone’s Be Real timer goes off and you have to take a front and back-facing photo of what is in front of you at that very moment. It times out after a certain amount of time so you can't fake the photo it has to be an authentic thing in front of you. Personally, I don't love the idea I think it's interesting and I see why people enjoy it. However, I'm not sure if I want to give people a glimpse into my every day. Nevertheless, the industry is still growing, and add new advancements are still being created I think we're far from the social media decline, but who's to say. All I know is people will not give up their ability to share and post and create and imagine and laugh and cry and enrage and all of these feelings are facilitated through the medium of social media.

Social media will outlive us all

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ganen-cheese · 2 years

Note

Hi Ganen Cheese~

How are you doing?

Hope you have a great day/night.

It's been a long since the last anonymous message I sent, nah?

Okay *takes a deep breath and shouts* You're SO COOL, TALENTED AND SWEET, you know it, right? Please keep going and let's enjoy being in 19days fandom together. Let's support each other till the end!!

Anyways, Today I checked my Twitter and I saw one of your tweets which was about Taekwondo player He Tian. Unfortunately, practicing Taekwondo has become pretty difficult for me these past few months for some annoying reasons.

Despite practicing much harder than before, the results are terribly disappointing. I get yelled at by my coach because he sees no progress in me. He keeps telling me to fix this but I have no idea what to fix. I was getting more and more depressed and frustrated until I saw your tweet.

The tweet reminded me that He Tian probably is a Taekwondo player; just like me and suddenly I felt SO proud. I wasn't going to give up on the sport I love but it's really sad to feel uncomfortable with your favorite things. But now I think I can stand this hardship, I'm motivated again! I want to become stronger and stronger like He Tian to protect the people I love and care about the most. Just like how He Tian takes care of his precious little Mo, I'm gonna take care of important people in my life!

Your tweet helped me. You helped me! Thank you so much Ganen Cheese. Thank you. I'll make sure to become a professional Taekwondo player and whenever things get tough, I'll imagine Taekwondo player Tian who is taking care of GuanShan in his black and white Taekwondo uniform.ヽ(• ̀ᴗ •́ )ゝ ✧

Love you! Please stay happy and healthy.♡♡

Woah! I talked a lot!

-Beat~

Hello Beat 🫂❤️

First of all, I hope you’re healthy and doing well.

Thank you so much for your message. Your message touched me so greatly, and I am so happy to see that Taekwondo player He Tian motivated you to keep going and to continue on.

I know sometimes we face hurdles and walls, and it can get difficult to move forward. I know that feeling well, when sometimes things just don’t go right. I’ve experienced it in university. The frustration is unbearable and sometimes we lose motivation and become depressed. What helped me that time to get out of it is also finding happiness in some strong characters. 😊

I am happy that you found your bearings back, thinking about He Tian playing Taekwondo. It’s cool to imagine him doing it, but he can also be an inspiration moving forward, in getting stronger and faster. Sometimes we reach some physical limits… with practice and perseverance we can train our bodies to be stronger than the current limit, and eventually get out of that plateau. It’s not an easy road… but sometimes what motivates me is…. Thinking that if that person of the same age can do it, then so can I. If I think that, I believe I can do anything 😁

But of course please don’t push yourself too hard, and remember to rest your body. Your health is #1!!!

I had an experience in grade school, I started tennis, and I just couldn’t play right, even if my teammates could. I cried out of frustration and just wanted to quit because I didn’t know what to do. But eventually, I don’t even remember when, I got better and better until I could play normally and enjoy playing with my teammates. It’s not something magical, but I believe it’s something that added up with all the practices.

Sometimes we just need some rest too. To rest our minds.

For the body, maybe, you don’t think you’re improving by looking at yourself, but I’m sure you’re improving and getting stronger and stronger each and every time you practice. Maybe you’re just not seeing it yet, because it’s not something super dramatic overnight, but you’re getting there. You practice so hard, it’s impossible your body is not getting stronger ❤️

I hope you can stay motivated and continue playing ❤️

I’m cheering for you ❤️

#Anonymous #Asks

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oneofthosesimps · 3 years

Text

God knows I tried

pairing: levi x fem!reader I nsfw

word count: 7983

summary: reader comes to paradise with yelena and the others. although you are marleyan, you want to fight for the eldian. at the beginning you experience harsh rejection before levi develops feelings for you

warnings: SPOILER season 4, first time, angst, fluff, smut, harsh words

authors note: i got the idea from a request (although i interpreted it completely different and wrong, i'm sorry (still)). well, i want to elaborate and develop my writing skills a bit, which is why i'm trying out a bit at the moment. that's why i focused less on smut and more on conveying feelings. i hope you like it and once again, i'll write the story again with the theme of the actual request and more smut (it's on my list)

all credits to the artist of this pic:

Bev-Nap

-----

You feel out of place, even though you have fought so long to sit right here. Not only the icy stares of your opposite but also the tense posture of your comrades give you exactly that feeling. A silence overcomes you at the table, while you can hear the sound of metal and ammunition. You dare not lift your eyes and instead look at the cup in your hands. The tent is filled with the scent of black tea, which blends with the sound of chirping crickets to create a symphony of summer, if only it wasn't so cold. A heavy stone rests on your chest and a nervousness creeps through your body that you have rarely felt before. Your warrior heart is a wrinkled mess and you are surprised at yourself for the thoughts that are floating through your head right now. It has been a long time since you felt so small. Your gaze lifts slightly and your eyes fall on folded arms. You can see veins on his hands, winding along under his skin. They follow the contours of his muscles, which are hidden under his jacket. Wings emblazon one of his shoulders and right above his heart and you eye the beautiful symbol before your eyes travel even higher.

Frozen iron looks at you and a shiver runs down your spine. His half-closed eyes are partially covered by his black hair and yet hatred shines through them. You are paralysed for a moment before you pull away and look at the woman beside him instead. You hold your breath as she looks curiously down the barrel of the loaded pistol and your right fingers clutch the porcelain in your hand. If a shot were fired now, she would also lose her remaining sight.

A broad grin settles on her face, which is bathed in a warm orange by the lamp above you, reflecting through the lenses of her glasses, "Oh, I see. So you can shoot multiple times with it." She is wearing the same clothes as Levi and inwardly you wonder what the wing symbol is all about.

Your gaze wanders to the left and you look at the tall, blonde woman. Yelena's features are soft and you admire her for her courage and composure. If she is insecure, she has that feeling hidden deep within her and doesn't let it show through. Her eyes glance at the cup in her hand as she eyes the dark liquid, "Those are Marleyan soldiers' standard equipment." Hange's fascination does not abate and she turns the weapon from right to left.

Yelena's hand grips the handle of the cup before she takes a small sip and sets it down again, "Each Marleyan's army divisions consists of about 20,000 soldiers. There are 50 divisions in total, making around a million of them."

The brown-haired woman's face slips and you can see the surprise and shock in them. Slowly she lowers the firearm and places it on the table.

"In addition to that, they possess three fleets consisting of 21 battle ships. They've also seen incredible progress with new weapons including aerial military capabilities," Yelena continues, briefly fixing her gaze on the pistol before catching Hange's eye.

"...Aerial?" You can hear the tremor in her voice and light beads of sweat settle on her forehead. Small wrinkles form around her lips. A second later she yelps as Levi nudges her with his foot and leans towards her. His voice is low as he talks to her and you exchange brief glances with Onyankopon. His large dark eyes look at you as confused as you feel and your brow furrows. His eyes turn back to the two people opposite you and he clears his throat, "So in other words, mobile weapons that can go beyond seas and walls, and drop the enemy from the sky." His explanation seems to strike a chord with Hange and she jumps to her feet. Her chair scrapes across the floor before toppling backwards with a thud. She slams her palms down on the table and leans her upper body towards you, "They'll come from the sky?!"

Despite her joyful enthusiasm, this little phrase leaves a bitter note. Suddenly you realise again how terribly sad this situation is. Such things are normality for people on the mainland. Guns and flying ships are technologies that have been around for a long time. The whole world uses them, except for a small island in the middle of the sea. Hange has never seen such things in her life, nor have the rest of the people in this camp and within the walls. Although they are the same people, they live such different lives.

Your mouth goes dry and you take a big sip of your tea, almost burning your tongue. The feeling mixes with the pain in your chest and your heart tightens. So much has gone wrong, so much you now have to fix and undo. The weight on your shoulders seems to crush you as you continue to look to Hange, not letting on.

She leans forward even further and her face becomes thoughtful, "Marley has all that wonderful power, yet they haven't launched a proper attack on us for almost a year, why is that?"

Yelena's expression remains unchanged, "There are two main reasons." She takes her time with her words, thinking them over as she takes another sip of the dark tea. After setting the cup down she continues to speak, "The first reason is the Pure Titans that they unleashed on this island. Their existences make it hard for them to get here, even with the latest weapons. It was originally a policy meant to confine the Eldians inside the walls. However, it ended up protecting Eldian from attack."

For the first time you hear his deep voice. It sounds like dark strong honey and nestles around you. You feel as if the vibration is making the tent wall shake and goosebumps settle over you, "Seems like it. Quite ironic, I must say." He adds a snort to the end of that sentence and looks disdainful.

Yelena smiles dryly at him for a moment before lowering her gaze and breaking eye contact, "However, the day is about to break. The Titans should be active soon. Yet, we're still leisurely drinking tea here outside the wall. That means you have killed all the pure Titans on the island. Would that be correct?"

Levi's body tenses almost imperceptibly as his clothes cover much of it, but you see that his shoulders are getting even broader. The veins on his hand that you noticed earlier stand out more and you feel an electricity emanating from him. His face shows no movement and he keeps a straight face, "So what? Are you going to somehow inform Marley about it?"

This is the first time you would like to say something to convince him that you have come with good intentions and that he can trust you. But deep down you know for a reason that it will probably take the longest with him - if he will ever trust you at all.

Yelena stares at him and you can see a small smirk curl her lips, "No, It's wonderful."

Only by Levi's eyebrows can you tell he's slightly surprised as the furrow between them gets a little deeper and darker. His body tension doesn't change as he glares at you with dark eyes while Hange's right hand becomes a fist, "What's the second reason?" Her gaze wanders back and forth between the three of you.

"Marley is currently in a state of war with multiple countries," Yelena explains, "In other words, they got bigger thing to deal with. You guys have defeated Marley's trusted Warrior unit. You guys also took the Colossal Titan and the Female Titan, their key weapons. Marley is a country with many enemies. So other countries came together in a blink of an eye and then the war began."

Your gaze falls to the weapon on the wooden table and images of war run through your head. Goosebumps forms on your skin as the sound of guns being fired echoes through your head and you shake slightly. Your breathing changes through your quickening heart and you feel Levi's eyes on you for a split second.

"So that means you guys are the people of losing countries with grudges against Marley. And you infiltrated the army as some sort of intelligence agent?" The air around you thickens and grows heavier and Yelena closes her mouth. You see a small change of temper in her before you stare at Hange. Seconds pass and no one says anything before a small, happy sound comes from the brunette and she smiles broadly at you, "Oh, was that a bullseye? As I thought, you guys must have convincing enough motives and backers to betray Marley like that."

Yelena's hand tightens around her cup and Onyankopon and you do likewise. Again your heart tightens and you lower your gaze. Unnecessary guilt creeps from the depths of your soul to the brightness and spreads through your body. How many people, how many women and men and children have lost their lives? Why are you, of all people, sitting here? What can you contribute? Questions and questions swirl in your head and you literally drown in the wave that drives them.

Your thoughts almost overwhelm you Yelena's voice comes through to you, "We lost our homeland to Marley and join their army as conscripts. We're weak. We also start losing hope in opposing such a big nation. It is until we're guided by him."

Something warm mingles with the tension and darkness as her posture changes and all tension falls from her. Her chin lifts and she looks up into the brightness of the lamp above her, literally making her eyes glow. A slight smile settles on her face as her eyes glaze over, "Marley and the world feared the Titans as devils. However, it looked like something else to me. A god." At these words, she jolts and a shiver runs down your spine. Sometimes Yelena seems like a believer, as if she has seen something that is still hidden from the rest of you. In such moments you notice again how different your drives are, although you are striving for the same goal. Deep down, however, she sometimes frightens you, even if you would never admit it, but she seemed like an addict on the way to her redemption. "He gave us hope when we're at our weakest," she continues and for a moment she seems to float above the tent before coming back to the here and now and lapsing back to normality, "We shot our superior under the orders of Zeke Yeager. We're the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers. Our goal is to free the Eldian people."

"By betraying your own people?", Levi's voice echoes again through the small cloth fenced room and your eyes shoot to him. With the corners of his mouth pulled down, he meets you and you almost choke on your own saliva. Your hands form into fists and your eyebrows draw together.

"She has proven herself often enough. Her background may be different, but we fight for the same goal," Yelena's unimpressed voice pre-empts yours, but the tension between you does not subside. Instead, sparks of anger almost fly out of you. Your self-doubt has just been pulled out of you and laid bare on the table for all to see. It is raging inside you. Hange's gaze also falls on you and she examines your presence, which seems small next to Onyankopon's and especially Yelena's, from top to bottom. "Why is someone from Marley fighting for Eldia?"

Yes, why does anyone do that? Why does one fight alongside the supposed enemy to support their plans? Why do you act wholeheartedly against all that has been impressed upon you all your life?

Your nails dig into your palms and you grit your teeth, "I do not betray my people. I betray those who lead my people."

The memory mixes with the swirl of hot water in front of you. The liquid spreads in the small porcelain vessel and nestles around the leaves, which immediately begin to smell at your touch. Warm steam wets your face and makes the rest of your body shiver.

"Don't worry so much, will you?" says Niccolo from his place at the counter and raises his head. He tilts it slightly and smiles at you. His dark eyes sparkle at you across the room as his blond hair falls wildly across his forehead. It's a stark contrast to the storm going on outside. You return his gaze with a slight smile before he turns his attention back to the vegetables in front of him. The sound of steady chopping movements fills the room and you glance back at the teapot. A sigh falls from your lips and you support yourself with both hands on the countertop.

"That's easier said than done, Niccolo. You know me."

"Yes, I know you and that's why I'm sure you have nothing to worry about".

A soft huff comes out of your mouth and you roll your eyes, "Yeah, sure. That's easy for you to say, Eldian."

His head lifts again and he looks into your eyes with slightly furrowed brows, "I mean it, Marleyan". You pucker the corners of your mouth slightly at that name. Although that is exactly the right name for you, you don't identify with it. The word has a negative connotation and tends to bring bad qualities with it. And that is not you. You are not Marleyan, you are just and simply you.

His face looks more unhappy and he seems thoughtful before a smile settles over his lips again, “I trust you, we trust you and they do too. You've done so much in your time here and even before. Don't be so critical of yourself."

Your eyes fall back to the pot in front of you and you place the lid over the opening. With a push, you push yourself off the counter and cross your arms in front of your chest, "You're right.”

"Of course, I am," he smirks. His radiance continues to fill the room and his warmth reaches you, flooding you and your little heart, and your lips pull up slightly as well. Niccolo is to be envied for his positive nature. He is by far one of the nicest people you have ever had the pleasure of meeting in your life and a truly true friend. Perhaps his nature is also the reason why he is such a good cook. His nimble fingers allow his thoughts and emotions to seep into his food and every bite has a piece of his soul in it.

"I mean, you and Sasha are the best example of what can become of two opposing camps." You hear an uneven cut and see him wince slightly. His cheeks turn pink and a grin spreads across your face. He puts the knife down and places his right hand on the back of his neck, nervously stroking his hair, "Yeah, you think so?"

"Who doesn't?" the tips of his ears turn pink too. He looks cute.

"My food is just good. That's the real reason Sasha comes."

You snort. "No, Sasha comes for your food as well. But I'm sure there's another, bigger point that's much more important." Again, a smile curls his lips and he looks happy.

"I envy you for that," you murmur, your expression changing slightly. A tide of sadness settles over you, leaving your body shivering.

"Envy me? But for what?"

"I just wish I could get along with them as well. I wish I had a significant other too."

Now comes a snort from Niccolo. Surprised, you look at him and he shakes his head, "Yes, I have Sasha. But you have someone else for that". As you continue to look confused, he takes the towel from his shoulder and throws it on the countertop. "Don't act like that. I've seen the looks on his face. Don't pretend you don't know who and what I'm talking about."

You tear open your eyes and your breath catches in your throat. Immediately a heat rises to your face as you understand who he is talking about and a deep blush settles over your cheeks, far surpassing his.

"I-I don't know what you mean," you stammer to yourself as your face gets even hotter and it is now time for Niccolo to grin at you. "N-no, you've got it wrong. Levi and I ... we ... this is absolutely nothing."

"So Levi, huh?" You slap yourself for saying his first name so carelessly.

"The captain and I," you begin again, "there is nothing. I don't think there could be anything with anyone either. You know him, he's a cold lump of ice." You look down at your feet on the floor, "besides, he hates Marley and I can't even blame him."

A silence settles over you before you hear footsteps. As Niccolo puts his hand on your shoulder, you lift your gaze again and warm brown looks at you. "That may be, but I can tell you one thing: I can clearly see that he doesn't hate you".

"You think so, huh?" you bite your lower lip, unable to suppress the flutter of wings from the butterflies in your stomach. He squeezes your shoulder lightly with his hand, "I mean it, yes."

You mirror his soft smile, but it doesn't reach your heart. Maybe Niccolo is right in what he says, but it was rather unlikely and your body can't imagine Levi feeling this way. Your head tells you that's not the case. You are alone.

A knock on the door snaps you out of your thoughts and he drops his arm. The wooden door opens with a soft squeak and a dark brown pigtail pokes its head into the room. Big brown eyes look at you and you notice Niccolo's energy change.

"I hope I'm not too late," Sasha says happily and opens the door wider. Still in her uniform, which accentuates the curves of her body, she raises her hand and waves at you. You smile broadly at her and take a step back.

"Absolutely not, you're just in time. I've already got the vegetables ready," Niccolo says, grabbing the kitchen towel again. Sasha jumps in the air with happiness and runs past him to the counter with the chopping board. You see another slight blush on Niccolo's face before he turns away from you and takes his place beside her. You watch the two of them for a brief moment and your heart blossoms. Who would have ever thought that feelings could arise between two actually so hostile parties. And they both seem more than happy, even if it is hard to tell at the moment because Sasha is literally foaming at the mouth with hunger. You place the teapot on the tray next to it and leave the two of them discussing about the best temperature for the soup.

Your feet carry you through the kitchen door and you stride down a long corridor. The storm outside is slowly getting stronger, whipping against the windows. Without thinking, you walk through the building. You have been walking this way several times a day for several months now, you could serve tea in your sleep. By now you are probably even better at this than at holding a gun and fighting. When you reach the end, you stop in front of a large door.

Your knuckles touch the wood and you knock on it three times in quick succession. There is silence for a moment before Levi's dark voice comes muffled from the other side of the door, "Name and request."

You clear your throat briefly, "It's me, sir. I've brought your lunchtime tea." You hear the rustling of paper for a brief moment.

"Come in."

Your hand grips the cold metal of the door handle and you push it down.

The captain's office is probably very similar to the one in the capital, at least that's how Hange once described it to you. In his back is a large window framed by curtains, through which the sun's rays fall in the afternoon. Due to the rain today, however, it is a little darker and rather unlikely that you will be able to see the setting of the sun. The remaining walls are either empty or filled with shelves containing all kinds of books. In the back half is a massive desk, its surface almost completely filled with stacks of papers. Levi sits in his chair, as he usually does, his head bent over his papers, causing strands of his black hair to spread across his forehead.

There is a scent of detergent in the room, which mixes with his body odour. Sometimes you have the feeling that he is gradually taking on the smell of lemon and lime and regret the fall of cedar, earth and something else that you could never quite put your finger on until now. As soon as he senses your presence at the entrance, his eyes lift and your heart slips a little. You lick your lower lip to moisten it and feel your hands grow a little damp as you clutch the handles of the tray. Shadows are on his face and you can see the circles that have formed under his eyes.

For a brief moment you look at each other before you tear your gaze away and your feet move across the wooden floor.

"How are you, sir?" you ask as you set the tray down on a dresser on the left wall and take the cup and coaster in your hand.

"Tch, I already told you that you can call me Levi."

Your toes just barely touch the surface of the water and you dip them in before they come back out. It was completely silent except for the chatter of the people behind you and the sound of the ocean. Somewhere you could make out Niccolo's loud laughter and you smirk inwardly. The waves of the sea flow towards you before breaking on the piers of the pier.

The moon is still low over the horizon, but a few stars can already be seen in the cloudless sky. A gentle breeze sweeps over you and you pull your jacket tighter around you, snuggling into it. It is so incredibly peaceful and beautiful, it is hard to put into words.

"Tch, you shouldn't go so far away," says a cold, deep voice behind you, a total contrast to the rest of the scenario. Startled, you turn away from the reflection of the twinkling stars and look behind you.

His hands buried in the pockets of his suit, he looks down at you with a slightly annoyed expression and half-closed eyes. His figure is captured by the black fabric and it flatters him very much, fitting perfectly. You wonder if he had it tailored. A cold shiver runs down your spine as he eyes you.

"I-I'm so sorry, sir," you stammer, pulling your feet out of the water. Just as you are about to get up to quickly run back to the others to not annoy the captain more, he plops down beside you. Confused, you stare straight ahead and tense up as he makes himself comfortable next to you. Should you go now anyway? After a few seconds, he makes no move to tell you again, so you remain seated. The mood remains tense and does not fit in at all with the relaxing sounds around you. His hand is right next to yours and your knees are almost touching. Out of the corner of your eye you eye him and maybe it's the moonlight accentuating his contours, but he looks different. Had he always been so handsome? Such a face should be forbidden. A breeze comes up again, tousling his hair slightly, and you breathe in. Has he always smelled this good? Such a smell should be forbidden.

You look towards the moon, trying to control your rapid heartbeat. Your hands begin to sweat and the situation becomes uncomfortable. You've never spent any of your free time with him before, it doesn't feel right.

"Doesn’t it look beautiful ," you murmur to break the silence.

You hear a snort beside you and look at Levi, instantly regretting your statement. His eyes resemble the stars in the sky, even as they slowly turn dull and grey, "Yes, but at what cost?"

You frown slightly, confused by his statement and he looks past you, "How long we fought to be able to sit here."

A light goes on in your head and you bite the inside of your cheek. You didn't mean it like that, that's not what you wanted. Shame and anger come over you. Sasha told you a bit about her background when she was with you and Niccolo in the kitchen. You could never understand how much they have been through. The pain they are in is immeasurable.

"How many people I have lost to sit here," he murmurs, probably more to himself than to you, "Isabel, Petra, Erwin...", at the last name his voice breaks off and he hangs his head. The next breath of wind that surrounds you makes you freeze. This situation is cruel and deep inside you ask yourself how it came to this and why he is saying these things to you of all people. None of these names mean anything to you, but you feel his pain. You have never seen him like this, so fragile and weak. Tears come to your eyes and you are speechless. Your heart tightens and you feel the need to take him in your arms, to help him somehow. A huge burden lies on you. Your people have done this and now you have to make up for these mistakes. At that moment you realise that this will never be possible. You can never make up for something like this. It remains silent between you, the sea no longer has anything happy about it. Instead, it seems to you that every sound, every wave, reflects the cries of fallen friends, comrades and families.

"I'm sorry," you whisper, looking down at your hands, which you place in your lap. A tear drips onto them and you brush it away.

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

Your head lifts and you look at him. His gaze is averted and his knuckles turn white as he grips the edge of the pier.

"Yes, it is. Somehow it is," you murmur, seeking his gaze. As he returns it, the grey in them moves and slowly changes again. "I should have done something sooner, I'm so sorry. I can never make it right, but I'm trying to do everything in my power to make sure it never happens again. So that no one ever has to suffer at the hands of my people again, sir." Please believe me.

There it is again, the silver sparkle slowly coming back. Your heart beats heavy inside you, burning. Levi eyes you for a long time, letting his eyes glide over your features, and you do the same. You block out your surroundings, taking in only the sound of his steady breathing and the feel of his closeness.

"Call me Levi."

A barely perceptible blush settles over your cheeks once more as you set the dishes down on the only small space on the desk and remember this scene. Forms, reports and the like form a neat chaos that follows a strict principle. Never have your eyes seen even a piece of paper on this floor. He is the cleanest person you have ever met.

"Sorry, I just got so used to call you sir or captain." You lift your gaze briefly, looking into cool grey. Your assumption earlier was correct, his dark circles are darker than ever. He looks terribly tired and exhausted, but that doesn't stop him from continuing to maintain his strong posture.

You smile at him briefly before going back to the dresser. You feel his eyes on you the whole time, which sends a warm shiver down your spine.

"When was the last time you had a break?" your hands grip the porcelain of the pot. There is a silence between you as you pour him his tea. His lack of response speaks volumes and you feel sorry for him. It must not be easy being in charge next to Hange. Does he ever wish for a break inside? Does he even know such a thing? The quiet flow of liquid breaks the silence as he continues to look at you. Your nervousness increases and your butterflies fly stronger, tickling your stomach.

As always, he takes a sip of tea as soon as you finish and as always, you look at his fingers as they wrap around the top of the cup. Many times you have wondered where he had learned to drink like that, but over time your thoughts change. Instead you admire his hands, his long slender limbs that conjure up dreams in your mind. Your left hand forms into a fist as your face turns red.

"Good", he says as he raises an eyebrow and eyes you questioningly.

You just nod at him and walk quickly back to the dresser, hiding your face from him. As you put the pot back in its place, your hands tremble and you take a deep breath to slow your breathing. It is unimaginable what he is doing to you. Is this how Niccolo always feels when he sees Sasha?

Finally, you turn and look down at the floor, "Is there anything else I can do for you?" Your hands play nervously with each other as you hold them in front of your body.

Silence falls again and seconds pass, it takes longer than usual to answer this question and you are beginning to wonder if he didn’t hear you.

"No, you can go," he finally says. You nod and head for the door. You don't dare look at him again, to prevent him from reading you like a book. Because he is extremely good in this area. Sometimes he knows more about his counterpart than he does himself. Just as you are about to reach for the door handle again and push it down, you hear his voice again, "Are you happy here?"

You open your eyes slightly and turn to him. Your eyes cross again and your forehead wrinkles. His eyes look different than usual, the grey seems much warmer and ... darker? You have never seen his eyes this colour before. You swallow hard and give up trying to control your heart. His question is unexpected and you can't find an immediate answer. In fact, you've asked it yourself many times before. There is no comparison to Marley, positive or negative, it is a very different life. Either way, it feels like you're a prisoner. Like you don't belong in either world. You remember Marley, your family, who you will probably never see again because they never want to see you again. At the latest after they found out you were leaving them, you were on your own. But you are sure that they already had an idea of what it was like and that their hatred began much earlier. How different your thoughts were and are compared to those of the rest of the people there. And here in the realm of the devils, it hardly seems any different. Of course, you are now a little closer to your goal, but even here you are not welcome. You fight for people who do not want you.

"I'm not unhappy," you murmur and slump your shoulders, "I just feel lonely."

You see his head working and an emotion wash over his face. Again, there is a long silence before he opens his mouth, "Why lonely?"

"Well," you stammer a little, surprised at the direction your encounter today is taking. It's funny how much has changed since that time in the tent.

"It seems to me that everyone has their purpose, that everyone knows their place. Yelena, for example, led us here, has been our leader from the beginning. She takes care of all these important things and what do I do? I get to help Niccolo prepare the food and I get to bring you tea." Your hands form into fists and anger rises from your belly. "I'm not allowed to go anywhere near the city or you'd have to worry that I won't come back because they've put an end to my life. What have I been fighting for all this time?" Without you realising it yourself, your voice rises and you become louder. "I try to do something good, to achieve something, but nothing happens. I can't do anything. What am I doing here? What did I do in Marley? Why does everyone hate me?", the last words are more of a whisper and you feel tears welling up in your eyes. Your emotions overtake you. The anger slowly fades, leaving a bitter, nauseating taste. You are so pathetic. Your life is useless, you are useless. You stand in the office of the man who is your superior, who is supposed to look after you so that you don't betray anyone, who hates your people from the bottom of his heart and who brings out feelings in you that shouldn't be there. Your body begins to shake slightly and you wipe away individual tears. What has happened to you since that moment in the tent? You feel as if you are losing sight of your purpose, the one thing that drove you to keep living.

"I don't hate you."

You look at him in surprise. His body looks tense and you regret having such an outburst. Levi is not really one of the people you should and would pour your heart out to like that. Suddenly you feel terribly small and stupid. While you have confided in each other more and more little things over time, such outbursts of emotion is still unusual. Especially since Levi very rarely lets you see through his shell. He probably just wanted to be nice and didn't expect you to pour your heart out to him right away.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have burdened you with this." You straighten your figure and smile at him. "If anything should be the matter, don't hesitate to let me know". With these words, you turn and open the door. You want nothing more than to leave this room and escape from this uncomfortable situation.

Before you can take a single step, it slams shut again. Immediately you tense up and freeze. Your eyes widen in shock and surprise. His hand is right next to your head and his body is leaning against the wood. His presence is strong and warm and you feel the need to fall backwards against him. Your belly does somersaults and the butterflies come to life. Slowly, as if in slow motion, you turn towards him and immediately press yourself against the door behind you. He is close, much too close, much closer than you suspected. His eyes sparkle at you, the grey has turned to silver which darkens as you return his gaze. You feel trapped like an animal about to be eaten by its hunter.

" You are talking bullshit, idiot," his warm breath swirls over your skin, his dark voice even deeper than usual. You expel a long-held breath and your nails dig into your skin as you form your hands into fists again. The tension between you is huge and the air is about to crackle. Your heart beats with strong, firm thumps against your ribcage. If it keeps up like this, it's going to jump out.

"Yeah, you think so?" you murmur, licking your dry lower lip. You press harder against the door as his gaze lands on your lips. Your chest almost aches from the hammering of your heart. You feel as if you are about to throw up. Your nerve endings tingle with anticipation. Very slowly his head moves towards you. If this is a dream, you don't want to wake up, ever. The movements are barely noticeable and you hold your breath again.

"Yes, I think so," he murmurs, stopping in front of your face. His silver eyes meet yours and a deep, strong feeling runs through you. He sees something in your eyes just before his lips touch yours. You don't dare move. The touch is light as a feather and your eyes close to take it in fully. His lips are much softer than you expected. They move like wings against yours and your eyes roll into your skull. Despite the light touch, whole emotions wash over you that you can barely tell apart. Lust, loss, happiness, sadness, desire, restraint. They swirl through your head and make you dizzy. He leans closer against you and you can't suppress the soft moan that escapes you. His body tenses, but he doesn't flinch. Instead, the kiss becomes more decisive, stronger. His tongue licks over your lower lip and you collapse inside. Another moan comes from you, this time a lot louder and you open your lips, greedy to get more, to taste more. The kiss breaks away, leaving you both breathless. Your head spins and all your weight falls against the door, your legs wobbly. You can't deny that you've thought about scenarios like this many times.

And your eyes meet again and your heart aches for a brief moment as you can see something in them. "This shouldn't have happened," you sum up your train of thought and speak it. The sentence hangs between you. You see the approval in his eyes, but his body makes no move in it. His chest rises almost as fast as yours and his expression is inscrutable. It almost seems as if he is fighting an internal battle, "You're right, the risk is too great."

Your head is screaming at you to leave, to say goodbye here and now and step through that door. You need to get some distance. This must never, ever happen again. Please, please go. Your head repeats these words over and over. But your gut...

"Would you take the risk again?"

Not even a second passes after you have uttered the sentence. Not even a second passes before his lips land on yours again. This time it is completely different. The kiss is more brutal. Immediately his tongue snakes between your lips, finding its way into your mouth. You play with each other as you cling to his shoulders to keep from falling over. His arms wrap around your waist and he pulls you against him. Your whole body is on fire as he explores your mouth with pleasure. He elicits one moan after another and enjoys the little noises you make. Your brain can barely process what is going on. What is happening here? An Eldian and a Marleyan? How can that be? Of course, it's similar with Niccolo and Sasha, but Levi is a completely different act. He was the person who even made a name for himself in Marley, a country he has never been to. He is one of the highest animals here.

He's just unbelievably perfect.

He releases the kiss and you gasp. Immediately his lips settle on your jaw before he moves further down and sucks on your neck. His tongue runs over your pulse and it takes your breath away. Is this really going to lead to that one thing? Should you really be doing this? The questions in your head give you a headache that eases as soon as he sucks on the thin skin of your neck. Slowly your head gives up, the screaming quiets and instead your gut and heart come to the fore, wanting in unison just the opposite. You want to feel him, more than this.

Awkwardly, your hands wander to his belt and you try to undo the buckle with trembling hands. All this is not so easy when you have no idea about it. To your surprise, he doesn't stop you. You can still feel the battle he is fighting inside, but it seems that his heart is also stronger. His big hands dig into your hips and he lurks above you. His mouth finds yours again and he kisses the swollen lips, sucking on them and in the same move your soul out of you. What takes you what feels like an eternity is only a few moves for him. He opens your trousers with an ease that makes your knees go weak. His hands move from your hips to the waistband and he pushes it off your pelvis. Without releasing the kiss, you slide them off your legs and feet. Goosebumps form on your legs as your overheated skin touches the cool air in the room.

His hands run over your pelvic bone, down to your thighs and caress your soft skin. A soft moan comes from him at the touch, making the butterflies in your stomach dance again. He reaches around your legs and lifts you up, his hands moving to your buttocks in the same motion and clasping it. You whimper as soon as you feel them. Never before had a man touched you like this. When should that have happened too? You have spent most of your life in the midst of war, never having had time for such things. He kneads the fat of your ass and a deep, dark moan comes from deep in his throat. The sound makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and you cling to him. He holds you tightly to his body and you feel as if you are both drowning men, clinging to the last bit of your lives.

"This wasn't supposed to happen," he moans against your neck as he strokes your soft skin and pulls your ass cheeks apart.

"I know," you gasp, your eyes fluttering shut for a brief moment.

"And I'm sorry it's happening here now."

"It's okay." His hands dig deeper into the flesh and your lower body is on fire. You've never felt such lust and greed in your life.

"No, it isn't. You deserve better". With these words you feel his fingers between your legs, the fingers you had thought about so many times before, and you go insane. It is indescribable when he pulls the thin fabric aside. It is indescribable when the cool air hits your core and then his fingers brush against it. Your nails dig into the fabric of his shirt, you moan loudly against his neck and bury your face, grateful that he can't see it right now.

His fingers caress your cunt and you whimper. Your pelvis automatically presses against his hand before it disappears. And again, it is indescribable as you feel his tip between your lower lips. He smears your juice, rubbing it along his hard cock before you feel it against your hole. "I just can't hold back anymore, I'm so sorry".

You draw in air through your nose, tensing slightly. A mixture of fear and anticipation, panic and anticipation, flows through your body. Your cunt tingles and there is only one thing that can soothe that tingle.

His tip penetrates you. Your world turns upside down and you groan. Your eyes close and you focus on the sensation. In all your imaginings, secretly night after night as his eyes roamed your mind, it was never like this. The pain you wait for doesn't come. Instead, a warm, indescribable feeling flows through you. Every inch of him stretches you further, fills you. It fits so damn perfectly, like it was never meant to be any other way. When he's completely inside you, he exhales shakily and you only notice now how tense he is. A moan comes from his lips as your insides clench and you lean back, your back pressed against the door again. Your eyes meet and your mouth opens slightly. There is a slight blush on his cheeks too, barely noticeable. His eyebrows are slightly drawn together, creating creases between them, and his eyes are almost black. You lift your right hand and place it against his cheek, caressing his cheekbone. He looks so erotic. As if he can read your mind, he leans down to you and again your lips touch, but this time more gently, as if this moment is fragile.

His pelvis pulls back and he thrusts for the first time. You moan out, enjoying the feeling of being completely filled. Your kiss breaks away and he rests his forehead against yours. With your eyes closed, he thrusts against you again and again, stretching your walls, fucking you against the door. Your moans grow louder and you are unbelievably happy that the rain outside has become heavier. The whipping of the wind and the patter of the drops against the windows mixes with your sounds, almost drowning them out, making it less likely that you can be heard.

Your hands wrap around the back of his neck and you bury them in the stubble of his hair.

He searches your eyes again. Intense stares burn into your brain and the speed and hardness of his thrusts become harder. Something deep inside you stirs and you can't stop the tears that run down your cheek. They travel down your cheek and drip onto your legs, which are still tight around Levi's waist. This day is like a wild rollercoaster ride, one emotion after another overtakes you and you can hardly recover from the ups and downs. And now being fucked by Levi, for the first time in your life, leaves you speechless.

There is a tingling underneath your stomach, this time different from what the butterflies cause. You can't quite place the feeling, but you want more. Levi seems to be feeling the same way, his speed picking up even faster and his hands digging almost painfully into your ass. You stare at each other as you both moan again and again, the knot tightening and tightening. More, please more.

"I don't hate you," he whispers, repeating his words from earlier, hitting a specific spot inside you. You moan loudly and he does the same. Tears roll down your cheeks again and you are so close. His eyes watch your face and your trembling lips tell him everything. He keeps the angle, keeps bumping into that one spot that makes you fly. All the while he keeps repeating that one sentence, burning it into your minds so that you, above all, can never forget it.

"I don't hate you either," you gasp before your insides explode. It's like a firework that takes you with it. This is how you imagine flying. Nothing in your life has ever felt so good. You scream Levi's name, preaching it and clinging to it, clawing into it. Your soft walls twitch like crazy, driving Levi to explode too. He leans all his weight against you and the door, moaning as he continues to fuck you, albeit slower and slower.

As soon as you come down from your high, he slides to the floor with you in his arms. His right hand goes to the back of your head and he strokes your hair as your head rests against his neck again.

"I promise you that you will never feel lonely again."

#levi x reader #levi ackerman #levi x y/n #levi x you #levi #levi heichou #shingeki no kyoujin #snk #attack on titan #aot

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saynotoshityouhate · 3 years

Text

Full Court Press (NBA!Kylo Ren x Reader) - Part 1/2

A collaborative fic by @weareallstoriesintheend & @saynotoshityouhate

Words: 1329

Summary: Your boss is making you take clients to a professional basketball game - not your ideal use of a Friday night. That is, until something caught your eye.

AU Inspo: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdpBEY21/

Warnings: Just some spicy thoughts! The spice comes in part two!

(Link to Part 2 Coming Soon!)

“But…I know absolutely nothing about basketball. Can’t you find someone else to go?” You looked at your boss, his arm extended with four tickets to that night’s Tie Fighter game.

He shook his head, pushing the tickets into your hand. You were going, and were taking along three high profile clients. It wasn’t how you’d hoped to spend a Friday night, but hey, the snacks courtside were much better than general admission.

The company car dropped you and your clients at the front of the arena. You wore your favorite black and red blouse and dark jeans, nothing too showy, but still fun and professional for a work outing - and fitting, since it matched the Tie Fighter’s uniforms! The four of you took your seats courtside. You could reach out and touch the players you were so close. You tucked yourself neatly into your seat along with your clients, quickly attended to by a waiter who asked for your drink order. You were used to fancy amenities in your job, but this was just over the top!

It was hard to keep track of what was happening out on the court. Big men, running back and forth...how did people find this interesting again? The only thing holding your attention, as much as you hate to say it (as a strong, independent, boss ass bitch) was the tall, center forward for the Tie Fighters.

He had long, dark hair that was pulled into a ponytail apart from a few wispy pieces that fell loose around his face. His skin was littered with moles and freckles, and his left arm was a full sleeve of tattoos. You tucked your hair behind your ears as your skin began to warm, the dirty thoughts filling your mind betraying your professional exterior.

You were snapped out of your daydream by the shrill shouts of the Tie Fighter’s coach. “Ren! Hustle! Get down the court!” The pale, red-headed coach was turning purple with the exertion of his shouts towards the player you had your eye on.

That must be Kylo Ren, the infamous star of the team, known for his off the court antics that always had him in the news. If it wasn’t girls in clubs, it was violent outbursts towards reporters or his coaches. Most recently, he had assaulted the red-headed coach in the locker room after he questioned Ren’s work ethic. The team couldn’t lose him, so they hit him with a hefty fine instead, which to Kylo was just pocket change. He was terrifying...in the best way.

“Y/N, has that shipping issue resolved yet? Last time we talked, you had begun making some progress on those negotiations.”

As you turned to answer the client’s question, you suddenly found yourself tackled by one of the players, your body trapped under his, the folding chair disintegrating in the process. Opening your eyes, you saw a set of hazel eyes staring back at you, partially hidden behind thick black hair draped across his sweaty forehead.

“You okay?” It was him, Kylo Ren, looking deep into your eyes, searching for any inkling of injury.

“I’d be better if you got off of me,” you grunted, his weight holding you in an uncomfortable position.

He chuckled. “I don’t know about that, Princess, but I’ll take your word for it.” Kylo stood, extending his hand to you to help you up.

You took his hand as he pulled you upright. After adjusting your blouse and wiping spilled beer off of your pants, you looked back at Kylo.

“I’m fine, promise.” You were shocked that he hadn’t run back to the rest of his team by now and was just loitering by your seats. You raised an eyebrow at him, which prompted a sly smirk by the star player.

“Feisty. I like that.” He turned around and headed back on the court. You took your seat, quickly finding a fresh drink and a dry towel in your hand from one of the arena staff.

At halftime, one of the athletic trainers found you at your seat, handing you a folded up note. You took the note, your forehead knit in confusion. Peeling apart the note, you saw two lines of scrawled script:

Sorry I knocked you over. Come to the locker room after the game - I’ll make it up to you. -KRen

The rest of the game, you were overrun by nervous butterflies. You tried to avoid eye contact and focus your attention on your clients, but you kept getting drawn back to the actions on the court. You’d watch him dribble, seeing the sheer size of his hands palm the ball with ease. You wondered what else those hands could do. You saw the way every muscle in his body worked in unison, flexing and stretching, glistening in sweat. At one point, as he prepared to shoot free throws, he looked in your direction, that signature smirk spread across his face. He winked and licked his lips lewdly before continuing his pre-shot routine. You adjusted in your seat, aroused by the man’s audacity and public display.

With a few moments left in the fourth quarter, it was clear the Tie Fighters wouldn’t be winning this game. It was an ugly display by the home team, as well as their star player. As the final buzzer rang, you made eye contact with the same athletic trainer who had visited you earlier. He nodded his head towards the locker rooms, standing up and walking in that direction. You turned to your clients.

“I just got a text from my sister...family emergency. Are you all okay with making it back to the hotel? Have some drinks at the bar - charge it to my account. I’m so sorry to end the night early.” They made some sort of remark about hitting the town, you weren’t really listening. You were gathering your things and heading the way of the locker room, despite every muscle in your body telling you this was a terrible idea.

You followed the trainer down a long dark hallway, the walls covered in motivational posters and team photographs. Kylo was heavily featured, your eyes examining his larger than life features, the butterflies in your lower belly beginning to swarm. You stopped for a moment, looking down the seemingly endless tunnel.

You took a deep breath, shaking the nerves from your shoulders and wiggling your fingers. He probably just wants to apologize and make sure you’re alright. Maybe sign an autograph. Totally harmless. You worked with powerful men all of the time, it took a lot to intimidate you. You began to walk again towards your escort who was standing outside an unmarked door. You looked confused, expecting a more dramatic and flashy entrance.

“This is the back entrance. The rest of the team meets for a bit without Mr. Ren, giving him a chance to cool down in private. You’ve got about 30minutes. If you’re not gone by then, I’ll have to come in and bring you out myself.” Again, you looked confused, tilting your head at him. Rolling his eyes at you, he opened the door and pushed you inside.

The locker room was round, with wooden cubbies around the perimeter, each with a player’s name and number across the top. The carpet was black and red, a giant tie fighter in the center. Sitting in the cubby directly ahead of you, head in his hands, was Kylo Ren. You took a few more steps forward before clearing your throat.

“Um, hi…I’m y/n? You kinda knocked me over earlier? I was summoned?” Kylo looked up from his hands, flashing you that signature smile.

He stood, taking long strides in your direction, before crashing into you once more.

All at once his fingers were laced in your hair and his full lips were pressing into yours, you let out a muffled gasp and froze in his grip.

What the hell was he doing?!

#full court press #saynotoshityouhate #weareallstoriesintheend #nba!kylo ren #nba!kylo #adcu #adcu fic #kylo ren #kylo ren x reader #kylo ren au #adcu community #star wars x reader #star wars

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always-inquilab · 3 years

Text

Look. I think that Tatiana is an interesting character and that the conditions she grew up in provide great clarity regarding the sort of vile person she ends up becoming. It's important to atleast attempt to understand the complexity of a character before jumping directly into hating them.

Tatiana grew up ignored and neglected for the sole sin of having been a girl. Her father was a piece of utter shit that never gave a single flying fuck about her. We know that Gideon and Gabriel grow up to be good, wonderful men (Gideon is literally my favourite character in TID btw) but it is equally true that they weren't the best when they were younger. They were little pricks. More importantly, they were a duo. The Lightwood brothers. and Tatiana was left out.

As Tatiana describes in the letter, her brothers clearly do not recognize they are given preferential treatment while she is constantly looked down on. She also states that Gabriel was replicating the same awful patterns of asserting 'authority' of their horrible worm of a father. Furthermore, she feels abandoned by Gideon. She is stuck in a home that is no more than a prison for her, surrounded by people that do not treat her well and she is angry at her big brother for leaving her in that hellhole while he is having fun in another country, free from all this bullshit that she has to deal with.

I think that she was well within her right to have been angry at how she was treated. Also, I saw some takes about how upsetting it was that Tatiana always hated her brothers. And I have to ask, have none of you ever called your brothers names?? Especially when they were being shitheads? Do you really want to tell me that you've never been furious that your brothers don't even realize how they're doted upon simply because they're boys?? Tatiana did not start out hating her brothers in the terrifyingly heartless way she came to do in the later half of her life. Her resentment began in justified ways.

So now we have Tatiana Lightwood, clearly scorned by literally everyone in her life. And for the first time in her life, someone gives her attention and affection. Rupert Blackthorn. Can you imagine how heady that must have been for someone as lonely and miserable as Tatiana? (Yes, because we read the letter lol) She clearly thinks the world of him almost instantly and ofcourse, she does. She is so starved for attention. For someone to just look at her and see her means everything to someone who has been ignored their whole life. This is important because this is vital to understand her downfall. Her love for Rupert is absolute. (She reminds me of Jessamine Lovelace a little bit. They're both girls who make terrible decisions in their utter desperation to be loved.) We don't know exactly what sort of person Rupert was but considering how we know the story progresses, it is safe to assume that he remains beloved to Tatiana and is the most important person in her life. And then she loses him. She loses the only person that ever seemed to truly love her. Her world is fractured irreparably, whereas, it appears to her, that her brothers have everything she has ever wanted. They have a good reputation, a good life, a happy family. Everything that was taken from her. This is where her existing more or less innocuous resentment for her brothers takes on its vicious character. Later, her son dies too. Another of her only earthly tethers, lost. Gone. There is noone left that she loved. No one who loves her. Under these circumstances, I have to wonder, who wouldn't go insane?

I am not justifying her actions. I don't even like her. She continues the cycle of abuse she was subjected to by being horrible to Grace and I detest her for it. In many ways, she becomes exactly like the person she hated the most. Her father. I would not ask anyone to forgive her or even like her because I don't either. But I believe in critically analysing characters and attempting to understand their motivations. Tatiana is not pure evil. Or atleast, she wasn't always. People are far more complicated than just black and white and that's what Cassie is trying to show. She is not trying to get you to forgive Tatiana and start liking her. She is providing a nuanced perspective on the character's development (or devolution, in Tatiana's case) and I think that's essential for good storytelling. So be a little mindful when you read is my humble suggestion. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk

#secrets of blackthorn hall #tatiana blackthorn #i cant believe i wrote so much for tatiana of all people lmao #shes awful but i mean please atleast hate her in the right way #blackthorn #jesse blackthorn #lightwood #tatiana lightwood #cassandra clare #cassie clare

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weareallstoriesintheend · 3 years

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Full Court Press (NBA!Kylo Ren x Reader)

A collaborative fic by @weareallstoriesintheend & @saynotoshityouhate

AU Inspo: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdpBEY21/

Words: 1329

Summary: Your boss is making you take clients to a professional basketball game - not your ideal use of a Friday night. That is, until something caught your eye.

Warnings: Just some spicy thoughts! The spice comes in part two!

PART 2