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meta-squash · 3 years

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So, last night I had a thought about self-harm (and addiction) and the reaction or framing from the press re: Richey Edwards vs Peter Doherty.

(This went off on a tangent, I’m sorry if it’s a little nonsensical and also I know my opinions are maybe kind of controversial.)

[Blanket TW for discussion of self-harm, eating disorders, and addiction in this post]

My best friend and I were having a conversation last night about self-harm as a coping mechanism and how people who have never self-harmed before don’t understand it and don’t know how to react to it, among other aspects of the subject. Later that got my brain on a different train going in a similar direction but a different destination.

I was thinking about the difference between the media interest surrounding Richey Edwards and Peter Doherty, and how the media framed their struggles and problems etc. (There is a slight difference between the two given that the Manics never got huge in the media and Richey wasn’t around for the explosion of internet tabloid culture.)

But my thought starts out with this: Peter and Richey seem to have done similar types of self-harm in similar amounts, and yet it is Richey’s self-harm that got all the media attention. Richey’s alcoholism and anorexia were not as chaotic or as....public?...as Peter’s drug problems, but it was all but ignored by the media even when he was fairly open about it.

Aside from the original 4REAL incident, which was a complex combination of situationist spectacle, self-expression/release of frustration, and intense message to the industry, Richey’s other moments of self-harm seem to be a more (for lack of a better word) normal level; they seem to have mostly been smaller, shallower cuts or cigarette burns. Aside from the one other recorded incident in Amsterdam ‘94 where Richey cut his chest enough to need stitches, there are no other instances on record of moments at the level of the 4REAL incident. Richey’s moments of self-harm seemed to typically be a more moderate coping mechanism rather than a tendency towards grievous injury. And yet the media’s main focus when it came to Richey was his self-harm and the spectacle of it rather than his lyrics or his other obvious struggles with alcohol and eating disorders.

And it’s interesting to compare that to Peter’s self-harm. I don’t think he’s ever had a moment like 4REAL, but he has used moderate cutting and cigarette burns presumably as a coping mechanism. His “strop” at Brixton ‘04 being the most outwardly dramatic and maybe the closest to 4REAL. But there are plenty of photos or footage of him with visible cuts and/or cigarette burns. And yet it doesn’t seem to be something the press really cared about.

On the flip side, there’s Peter’s addiction and all the media craze surrounding that. (As an aside, I cannot imagine how awful it must have been to have the media obsessing over your drug use while telling you to get better while essentially being its cause.) The press practically documented Peter’s every move re: his drug use and addiction. It was sensationalized and plastered everywhere and this obsessive attention was placed on it.

Which is the opposite of what happened to Richey’s problems. He talked fairly openly about his alcoholism in a number of interviews but rarely was he directly asked about it. Off the top of my head I can’t think of any interview that directly asked him about his eating disorders either, but he did mention some aspects of that in a few interviews (most notably his last ever TV interview for some Swedish channel).

Part of this difference in media focus kind of makes sense. The media picks the thing that’s more dramatic and crazy-sounding and a bigger spectacle. For Richey, it was self-harm, because he started with a proverbial bang by coming out the gate with the 4REAL incident that catapulted the Manics into the eye of the industry proper (despite the fact that he never reached that intense level again). For Peter, it was his drug abuse partly because of its more widespread chaos (drinking alone in your room is not as interesting or glamourous as smoking crack at wild parties, plus a dramatic band breakup draws readers) and partly because of his proximity to Really Famous People (ie Kate).

I guess it just interests me how the media decides which thing is more “concerning” and how that false concern in fact fuels the very thing it pretends to be so worried about.

The 4REAL incident was a shocking thing; it seems as though over the years the remaining Manics have come to acknowledge that that was pretty much the point. Nicky called it an “amazing, fantastic statement” in the 98 Up Close documentary. It’s something that was outside of Richey’s other self-harm because it was very much for a spectacle (JDB does say in the same docu that he was pretty sure Richey had sort of planned it). But none of Richey’s other moments of self harm were as public or as performative. I’d even say his Bangkok chest-cutting was only partially performative, considering how horrific the band considers that trip to have been. But really, his self-harm seemed to be mostly a private, personal thing, a coping mechanism. And yet it was pretty much all the press focused on, ignoring the alcoholism and anorexia that a) were likely actually affecting his ability to function and b) were likely bigger problems that the self-harm was used to balance out. The remaining band have talked about Richey’s drinking and how it affected him and made it difficult for him to function, and none of them ever really talk about Richey’s anorexia but looking at photos of him in 1994 you can really see the toll it takes on him. But the press weren’t interested in that.

And again, similarly, Peter’s drug use was fascinating to the press because it was dramatic and chaotic and an interesting spectacle. But after reading the Books Of Albion etc it sure seems like the press were major instigators of a lot of Peter’s problems and his need to use drugs to cope and/or escape. They ignore his self-harm because it’s not as interesting as his addiction; the opposite of the “mundanity” of Richey’s introverted alcoholism.

The press chooses which problem it’s “concerned” about depending on which one is a more interesting, easily-maintained spectacle. If it can flaunt “concern” in order to goad or stress their victim into doing that thing more, it can perpetuate that cycle: “we’re so concerned about you, look we’ve written an article on your drug-induced antics/your dramatic self-harming tendencies with pictures and misquotes and misunderstanding, oh we’re so concerned we’ve parked ourselves outside your venue and/or house to ask intrusive questions about your problems rather than your art, wait why are you still struggling with this drug/self-harm problem we said we were concerned about you, look we’ve written another article about how you’re struggling and we’re concerned but we haven’t actually asked you what’s wrong or how to help or done the most obvious thing which is leave you alone” ad nauseum.

Plus, these things are always appropriated by the press rather than a request made for clarification from the person. The victim’s candid thoughts about their hurt or their reasons for needing this coping mechanisms are not actually heeded but are twisted round and into part of the “story” rather than taken seriously as an explanation or a plea for the media to fuck off because they’re exacerbating the problem.

And now I go into more theoretical ramblings.

(Side note and/or clarification or...something: I can speak from long-term experience when it comes to self-harm as a coping mechanism etc, but I have not personally dealt with drug addiction so when I’m talking about that, it’s definitely as an outsider. I have friends who are recovering addicts and who I’ve known during their more intense struggles but I have not experienced it myself, like, in my own brain/body.)

Something my best friend and I were discussing in the conversation that triggered this entire thought-train is self-harm as seen by outsiders/people who have never self-harmed or thought about it in any seriousness. (And here comes some more serious discussion, as a warning.)

We talked about how there really isn’t a good argument against self-harm as a coping mechanism. (And I know my opinions here are probably controversial.) Most seem to center around “healthy” coping mechanisms vs “unhealthy” but if it’s your own body and you aren’t hurting anyone else, who’s to say what’s what? The other problem re: “healthy” coping mechanisms (like taking a bath, treating yourself, etc) is that the concern against self-harm seems to be that it isn’t addressing the underlying issue that requires the coping mechanism. But neither does doing some skin care or eating an apple (that is, if the problem is a stressor outside of needing sustenance or being able to do something “relaxing” enough to actually relax). That isn’t to say that self-harm is a good reaction to every stressful moment, but it truly is a very singular type of stimulation and release that is sometimes the only effective method of reacting to and coping with an internal or external stressor.

As a clarification, most acts of self-harm are not to the severity level of 4REAL. Cigarette burns and collections of minor-to-moderate cuts are much more common, neither of which are particularly threatening to the overall wellbeing of the person.

The other thought about self-harm and the reason for the media’s focus on it is the discomfort of and fascination a “badge” of struggle. When you’re depressed and you can’t get out of bed, it’s not like you get up a few days later and there’s a big sign that says “Was Depressed, Couldn’t Move,” or if you feel stressed and overwhelmed so you go drink wine in the bath, you don’t spend the rest of the day with some sort of sign telling other people that you felt bad so you bathed. But self-harm is a personal coping mechanism with evidence attached. And that evidence makes people who can’t understand it uncomfortable. Self-harm leaves a mark which other people are confronted by and they don’t know how to react because they cannot imagine how that can be something that helps. Self-harm is a “badge” of struggle and/or coping--not that it’s a proud mark or anything, just that it’s visible to others in a way that stands out and is singled out. I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas after not getting out of bed for 5 days and nobody looked at me funny or asked me why I looked all rumpled. But I’ve had random strangers at the grocery store ask me about the self-harm scars on my upper arms. Scars are a sign of hurt or stress etc that are visible to others which means they feel compelled to confront their feelings about it and often come up uncomfortable and not understanding and confused.

Similarly, I think drug use/addiction can sometimes be a similar “badge” of struggle, especially if it’s apparent onstage or during various public appearances. It’s something that people outside of it don’t understand. Likely they don’t understand the use of drugs as something other than “for fun.” People don’t understand the depths of using drugs as escape from or coping with (or both) stressors. Raw dogging reality is kind of a tall order if reality is overwhelming and stressful to a degree that’s difficult or impossible to control and/or manage. Not to mention using drugs for coping or escape then can lead to dependency and addiction and that’s a whole new game. Because, you know, that’s the thing: it’s not just about kicking an addiction. If you try to kick an addiction without replacing it with something else, you can pretty easily fall back into it because it’s not just a physical dependency, it’s a way to deal with reality. If you’re trying to go from a using a crutch to deal with reality to straight up raw dogging it without a fallback crutch, it’s gonna be real hard. In terms of a “badge” of struggle I think that use of drugs where intoxication is more obvious or more intense than, say, weed, people are uncomfortable. With a drug’s effects on behavior, I’m sure, but also with the outward signs that the person is obviously using a coping mechanism to deal with stresses or hurts.

In both situations it’s an exposure of this internality that outsiders can’t fully understand or touch. Everyone’s reasons for self harm or drug use are going to be different. The “benefit” that the coping mechanism brings is going to be different for everyone. And it especially means that strangers who don’t have experience with these things cannot fathom them and cannot comprehend them. There’s that desire to understand, that curiosity, (and sometimes an actual desire to help), but no one can read another person’s mind or understand their internality completely, and the visuals of self harm or of drug use are a very intense and forward reminder of that.

And I think those “badges” of struggle are something the media loves to capitalize on, because they can be turned into a spectacle and can be monetized due to outsiders’ discomfort. People watch horror movies or read tabloids because it makes them uncomfortable from a safe distance; these things aren’t happening to them, but another person’s obvious pain/fear/sadness/struggle/etc is just discomforting and strange enough to evoke a dark fascination rather than a total rejection. And the cycle continues as the media capitalizes on their victim’s stress and their coping with that stress, and which then causes more stress which then causes a need for a more intense coping or escaping mechanism, etc.

To bring it back to my original point, the reason the press focused on Richey’s self-harm (despite it being not too terribly excessive or intense) and not his addiction or ED problems, and the reason the press focused on Peter’s addiction and not his self-harm is because of the degree and type of fascination/discomfort those things brought. Richey’s self-harm was interesting enough and obvious enough that they could show lurid photos of his scabs and scars and talk to him about it, but he did his drinking in private and didn’t really cause any sort of scene onstage. And Peter’s drug use was interesting enough and public enough that they could show lurid photos of it as well as collect all sorts of gossip and rumour and twisted-around tales while his self-harm clearly wasn’t as dramatic or fascinating to them. People can read the tabloids and be darkly fascinated by a person cutting themselves up but maybe not by someone drinking at night in their bed (because that’s boring to read about). People can read the tabloids and be gleefully horrified by abuse of class A drugs and the actions/behavior surrounding that but that’s going to be more interesting than a person stubbing a cigarette out on their arm in frustration and despair. It’s all about what can be painted in a more dramatic light. It’s all about what internal things can be made public.

#self harm tw #eating disorder tw #drug abuse tw #addiction tw #this went a lot of places #i know my opinions re: self harm as a coping mechanism are maybe kind of controversial #richey edwards #pete doherty #manic street preachers

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honeysuckle-venom · 4 years

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I’m tired of having an eating disorder. I don’t want one anymore. I’ve had an eating disorder for most of my life, and I hate it. Even after I “recovered” from the anorexia I dealt with from 12-14, I never reached true recovery, and have had various types of disordered eating and disordered thought processes around food and exercise from when I was around 8 to this day.

But I want to be done. I want to have a healthy relationship with food, with my body, with exercise, with life. I want to not have to spend hours each day doing food math, I want to not have dozens of irrational rules about what I can eat and when and in what combinations, I want to be able to exercise without fear and without having weird values tied up in it. I want to learn to divorce morals from food, to eat an apple one day and a piece of cake another day and acknowledge that both have their place, to not feel righteous when I eat the apple and not feel guilty when I eat the cake. I have a lot of...let’s call them orthorexic tendencies, and I want to stop judging foods based on moralistic “health” and “purity” standards, especially when other people are eating them. I want to work on my own fatphobia, both as applied to myself and towards other people. I want to practice Intuitive Eating. I want to have a healthy relationship with food, and I’m willing to actively work to get there.

For now what that means for me is simply listening to the Food Psych podcast. Even listening to a bit of that every day is genuinely challenging for me, but I hope ultimately if I surround myself with the messages I want to live by, eventually I will start to internalize them. Because I want to get better, I really do.

#my post #text post #ed tag #j #eating disorder cw #just in case

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lovemesomesurveys · 6 years

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Do you have pets? If so, what kind? If not, why not? Yep. I have a 1 year old German Shepherd/Lab mix named Princess Leia. She takes the princess part very seriously. haha.

Who do you live with? My parents, younger brother, and the Princess herself.

Are there any family members you never get along with? It’s not that we don’t get along, but we do bicker and butt heads sometimes.

What is the saddest thing that has happened to you? What about the happiest? I’d have to say the incident that made me a paraplegic at just 7 months old would be the saddest, but I’ve had a lot of other things happen as well throughout my life with health stuff and obstacles along with that, loss of loved ones, heartbreak, etc. As for the happiest... I have a harder time pinpointing something. I’ve had happy times, like my childhood was great despite some obstacles. I look back on my childhood very fondly. Many happy memories with family like vacations, holidays, and just times together. Getting my dogs, Brandie and Princess Leia. Graduating. Getting accepted into the college of my choice. Stuff like that is what comes to mind.

How many years has it been since you graduated high school? It’s been 10 years. D:

What was the last new drink you discovered that was delicious? Hmm. I haven’t had a new drink in a long time, so I don’t recall.

What are five things you are good at? 1. Taking surveys. 2. drinking coffee. 3. Pushing people away. 4. Putting myself down and being my own toughest critic and enemy. 5. Overthinking everything.

What are five things you are bad at? 1. Doing some things that would really be beneficial for me. 2. Being a functional adult. 3. Not pushing people away. 4. Masking my emotions. 5. Math.

Do you have a YouTube channel? Yes. I don’t upload videos, although I actually did upload a few years ago. Those videos will never see the light of day again, though. lol.

Do you have trouble letting things go? Yes.

What was the easiest subject for you in school? English.

Do you decorate for holidays? Yep. I especially love to decorate for Christmas.

Do you dress up for holidays? I used to sometimes, but nah not anymore.

Did your high school have a strict dress code? I don’t think it was different than most high school’s dress codes.

Were you happy as a teenager? I struggled with low self-esteem and depression, but not like how I do now.

What do you do for your mom on Mother’s Day? I take her to breakfast or lunch and buy her some gifts.

Do you know anyone who follows a raw vegan diet and lifestyle? No.

Have you killed a bug this week? No.

What was the first food you learned how to cook? Top Ramen.

Do you have a Bachelor’s degree? If so, what in? Yes, in psychology.

Can you go see a doctor alone or do you like to take someone with you? I always go with my mom.

How long is your average shower? 30-45 minutes.

What color is your soap? Like a peachy color.

What is the most awful thing about the world today? There’s a lot.

Have you ever been arrested? If so, what for? No.

Have you ever been in court? If so, in which role? No.

Could you go a day without talking to the last person you kissed? We’ve gone like 3 years now.

Would you die for someone you love? Yes, but my favorite counter question to that, which I think says even more in my case is, “would you live for someone you love?” The way things are going right now in my life with health stuff and me not taking care of myself like I should be, plus the fact that I’ve let my health consume and take over... I’m not really living. I’m letting my life pass me by as I just waste away I feel like. My family worries a lot about me and they’re stressed out and also frustrated. They don’t want to see me this way. They of course want more for me than this.

Would you have sex with someone of the same gender as you? No.

What do you identify as? Like my name or gender? I’m a female named Stephanie.

Have you ever been addicted to something? Yes.

Have you ever gotten drunk? Yes, a few times.

Have you ever dealt with an eating disorder? I feel like I have something of an eating disorder, but I don’t know. It’s not anorexia or bulimia, but something is going on with me and food.

Have you ever stolen a street sign? No. I don’t get why people do that.

Have you ever eaten a piece (even just a small bit) of paper? No.

Introvert or extrovert? Introvert to the core.

Trump or Hillary? Blah.

Have you ever stepped in something disgusting with bare feet? No, but I’ve ran over cat and dog poop on accident *BARF* SO disgusting.

Have you ever had a concussion? No.

How many dresses do you own? Like 5.

When was the last time someone scared you? Yesterday. My mom came running out of the bathroom towards me with a Scream mask on and I screamed bloody murder lol. It was too real cause the way she came rushing out was just like how it’s does it in the movie slkjskdlfjlds.

Have you ever thought someone died when they didn’t? Yes! Such a weird thing. I had a dream and I wasn’t sure if I really did dream it or if it was real, so I ended up looking this person up on Facebook. They were very much alive, thankfully. It was just random, too, because it’s not even someone I’m friends with. It was someone from elementary and high school that I haven’t seen or talked to sine then.

Can you crack anything besides your knuckles? I sometimes crack my neck by just moving my head side to side. I don’t like do the whole, grab my chin and twist my head as far as I can. That freaks me out. I also stretch out my arm sometimes if I feel like it needs it and it cracks.

Do you know anyone who has a pet gecko? No.

Would you ever go bear hunting? No.

When was the last time you sang along with a song? Which one was it? It was recently, but I forget what song it was at the moment.

Do you prefer drawing or painting? Any particular reason why? I only color and that works for me.

Name something you thought was cool when you were younger but don’t now: Hmm.

What was the last book you read? I’m reading, “The Lonely Girl” by Gracie Wilson.

Do you like raisins? Chocolate covered ones are better.

Do you have a printer? Yeah.

Did you like the movie Antz? I’ve never seen it.

Is it okay to have crushes while in a relationship with someone else? I wouldn’t be okay with that. I mean, unless it was like a celebrity crush.

What do you think of sexism and double-standards? Do you believe in double-standards or do you think we should stop doing stuff like that? (ex. women can wear skirts and pants, but guys can only wear pants or they’ll get made fun of if they wore skirts): Uh, I think that they suck.

What’s your age range when it comes to dating? I think I’d go a year younger, but I’d really prefer them to be my age or older up to like 5 years.

If you had kids, would you want them to look like you? I’m not having kids.

Were you born with hair on your head? Yeah.

Would you rather have a home birth or hospital birth? Hospital.

If you could go back to your senior prom, what would you do differently? My prom went fine.

Do you currently live in the house you grew up in? No.

Do you remember your locker combinations from high school? I didn’t have one.

Who were your best friends in high school? Derek, Gabby, Gage, and Amanda.

Would you rather sleep on the top bunk or bottom bunk? It’d have to be the bottom bunk for me.

Are you close with your cousins? I used to be with a few, but not anymore. :(

Are you close to any aunts or uncles? One of my aunts and I are pretty close.

Are you close to your grandparents? I was very close to my maternal grandparents, especially my grandmother. I have a good relationship with my paternal grandparents as well, but again especially to my Nana. It’s not the same how it was with my maternal grandma, though.

Who betrayed your trust? Meh.

Who was your first best friend (apart from a sibling)? These 2 girls, Crystal and Starr, in preschool.

What’s the name of the gas station you last stopped at? *shrug*

Is there a topic that gets you really heated when it’s brought up? I avoid ones that would.

Do you forget to flip the page of your calendar at the start of each month? No, I’m pretty good about that.

Would you ever agree to an open relationship with someone? No.

Who is your least favorite actor? I don’t know if I really have a particular least favorite.

When is the last time you had a cigarette? Never.

Was babysitting your first job? It’s been my only one, if you want to count it since I only ever babysat my younger brother and a couple of my cousins. I need get money for it sometimes, though.

Do people always say you’re too thin? Yes, I hear that a lot from family and my doctors. I’m very well aware of it.

Is there something that you could never give up? Coffee, it would seem. ha.

Do you prefer piano music or violin music? Piano.

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collarbone? No. Have you ever showered with someone? No.

Are you racist to any race? No.

Have you ever intentionally hurt an animal? No.

Do you like being hot or cold better? Cold. I like cozying up under a blanket, wearing a hoodie or sweatshirt, enjoying a nice hot beverage, and/or sitting near the fireplace. Being hot is just absolutely miserable to me and there’s nothing enjoyable about it.

What’s the best thing about school? I liked the learning part and some of the assignments/projects for the most part, but I could have done without all the stressed. I got so overwhelmed and burnt out so easily.

Do you watch independent movies? Have a favorite? Not usually.

In relationships, are you obsessive? No.

Have you ever auditioned for American Idol? Ha, no. I can’t sing at all. I mean, I can, technically, but I can’t sing well.

What’s your favorite Dr. Suess book? Hmm. Not sure I really have a particular favorite.

Do you dot your “i"s will little hearts? No.

Do you own any autographed memorabilia? No.

Have you ever dated a twin? No.

Do you own any expensive designer purses? No.

Do you look like a boring person? Probably. They’d be right to think that.

Oreos or Chips Ahoy? Oreos.

Do you have a better body or a better face? Neither.

Is it hard for you to admit when you’re hurt? No.

Have you ever considered being a cop? Nope.

Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Life is Strange. ha.

Do you like sitting in the front, back, or middle of the classroom? I had to sit in the front.

Do you know anyone who has been struck by lightning before? No.

What’s your favorite superhero movie? The Avengers films, Deadpool 1& 2, Guardians of the Galaxy volume 1 & 2.

Do you struggle with acne? Not really. I get a little now and then. I did when I was a teenager and through my early 20s, though.

Have you ever fostered an animal? No.

Do you have a back pack in a shape of an animal? Yeah, I have a giraffe backpack.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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mental-health-advice · 7 years

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4 a year I was constantly purging but maintained weight, it stressed me out so much that last year I tried to kill myself and ended up at camhs, I see a mental health nurse because I haven't been at school for 4months because my school think I will kill myself. last two months I've been eating less and less but not really purging,mental health nurse knows i am not eating much but doesn't know why and i am too scared to say it's my weight bc I might be punished by my fam-post under tag laura pls

Hi sweetheart,

First of all, I want tocongratulate you for stopping your purging tendencies. It is not an easy thingto do, but you have done it and you can be extremely proud of yourself, becauseI am so proud of you. Even though you used to be at the lowest of lows, you’ve managedto climb up the mountain a little, which is important to mention, because it isnothing but easy to do so. Don’t forget that your school and mental healthnurse are simply trying to help you, which is why they insisted on giving you afour month break from school. Sometimes, it might sound like a punishment, butit really simply is to prevent something bad happening to you. It shows thatyou are wonderful and that a lot of people care about your well being.

It is a great thingthat you are seeing a mental health nurse, because they can really help youthrough the struggles you are currently going through, or have gone through inthe past. I am proud of you for realising that you have been eating less andless lately, because that shows that you are conscious about what is going onand want to get the necessary help.

You can talk to yournurse about what has been going on, without any fear of it coming out to yourfamily’s ears. There is a privacy policy that keeps specialist from sharinginformation with other people, unless it is something that is currently life threateningfor you (such as very high suicidal thoughts or having an abuser who you arestill in contact with). Telling them why you have been eating less, tellingthem about your body insecurities and the fact that your weight is not pleasingyou, is totally fine. They will keep the information between the both of youand will probably have pretty interesting tips to help you out with thesestruggles that you are having with body image.

I have dealt withanorexia in the past and I know how hard it is. I know that even in recovery,the thoughts do come back and never truly leave completely…But one thing Ionly know, is talking to people you trust about it and having an actual supportsystem to help you along the way, is the best thing I could of have had, eventhough getting help and talking about it sounded horrifying at first. Iunderstand that you are feeling like your parents might punish you if ever theyhear about what you have been doing, but remember that their reaction ismotivated by the fact that they love you, care about you and want your wellbeing more than anything in the world.

Set yourself smalleating goals. You don’t need to start right away with massive, calorific meals.You can start with smaller, but more frequent portions, that will at least giveyou the right amount of food in your body to live throughout your day whilestaying healthy. Don’t forget that there are many other ways than starvation orpurging to lose weight, but without it being unhealthy or getting out of hand. Havinggood meals, combined with working out, totally works. It keeps you healthy andalso gives you more energy. You’ll feel much better in your own body and morepumped to get through your days.

You are beautiful andwonderful, even though it might be difficult to see right now. It is alright tobe scared, but it is also alright to seek help from a professional. There isabsolutely no need to be ashamed. If ever you feel the urge to do something youmight regret, remember that you are not alone in the same situation and that weneed to face our battles to overcome them and get better. Running away fromthem, or disappearing, is never a solution, it only makes things worst. You areable to battle these thoughts you are having about eating and about otherthings in your life, I believe in your strength and in your power to getbetter. We are always here to help you out whenever you need. You can messageus whenever you feel the need to and we will talk to you with all our hearts.

Stormsdon’t last forever, your strength will fight the clouds away and let therainbow shine through.

Sabrina xx

#mhasabrina #purging #fasting #starving #mental health nurse #nurse #professional help #family help #family #Suicidal thoughts #suicide attempt #seeking help

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bethanyalicepegler-blog · 7 years

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My mental health story (so far)

I have just watched all the way through a brilliant playlist on youtube of women talking about mental health, and due to the fact I have had recent developments in this area I decided that I wanted to sum up everything into one big blog post.

I had my first GP appointment at the start of January regarding my mental health, due to the fact I had been really struggling since the summer. I got overly anxious about some social situations, I absolutely loathed myself and thought of myself as worthless, and I dealt with this by restricting my food intake. I lost a stone an a half (21 pounds-ish) between the end of august and the end of october, and continued to have unusual eating patterns aswell as depressive episodes and anxiety attacks leading up to christmas. In october I had told myself I would be better by christmas, but christmas day was probably the worst day mental health wise that I have ever had.

So my GP referred me to an anxiety and depression clinic and then they referred me to an eating disorder clinic, which I was sceptical about. Yeah I had lost some weight but it hadnt changed over the past couple of months,and my eating patterns arent drastically bad, its the self loathing and anxiety that I want to get over.

I had my first appointment at the eating disorder clinic on monday and it revolutionised how I had been thinking about my mental health. I finally feel like I understand my mental illness and this gives me a much clearer idea of how I can make myself better.

I have been diagnosed with OSFED, which stands for Otherwise Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder, subtype Atypical Anorexia Nervosa. This means that I have all the criteria for anorexia, but my weight is remaining in a normal range. Honestly, I find this label liberating.

Then the therapist started trying to work out where this had come from. I dint think that there was a way of doing this. I didnt think that there was a way of identifying where my eating patterns started and I certainly didnt think that I would be able to identify solid triggers, but I was wrong.My restrictive eating started in year 11 when I was 15 and began to compare myself to my girl friends who always got way more by attention than me. I started analysing what was so different about me and came to the conclusion that I needed to lose weight, but this was just slight restriction due to insecurity, and had ended by the summer of that year.

The first time that I really displayed disordered eating was in the summer between year 12 and year 13. Essentially throughout year 12 I was bullied and alienated from the rest of the year, and from my friendship groups. Nobody in sixth form wanted to have anything to do with me, and two people who had been my best friends were constantly going out with the people who hated me. I would see it all over social media that everyone, people who I still regarded as my friends and who I was now hearing were bitching about me behind my back, was having a fantastic time without me.

Part of my personality type is feeling good within a big group of people and I am a classic extrovert, so all of this absolutely crushed me. It was my worst nightmare. That summer I lost a couple of stone by eating under 1/4 of what I should have been per day, punishing myself for not being good enough to hang out with my gorgeous, beautiful, tiny friends. When I did get invited to parties I would drink way too much to calm my nerves due to the fact I was completely surrounded by people that I had been told had spent time bitching about me and laughing at me, and I still felt this desperate need to impress them due to my fear of the loneliness which currently consumed me.

That summer I worked two jobs and I lost a lot of weight and I returned to school in September with only a shred of the confidence I had had 6 weeks prior, and that year I did not go to a single assembly or enter the common room once. I hid in the art department and bunked off, due to how thinking about facing all these people that hated me just gave me too much anxiety. I took this out on my relationship with food and my weight, blaming the way my body looked for why people didnt want to know me.

Throughout my last year at school I made new friends and my eating habits went back to normal, although I still struggled being part of a sixth form of people who wouldn't look at me. Sixth form ended and I got a job and I began making friends through gigs and clubs and essentially the music that I liked, and was so happy that I didnt have to worry about the hierarchy of school again.

That period between year 12 and 13 was what gave me this disordered thinking. I was so lonely and so hurt, and my eating patterns was how I dealt with it. I can control what people think of me, but when I know that they are thinking the worst then I can use food to feel in control of my situation.

Working out where my eating problems started has shown me what my triggers are, too. Just last weekend I was saying to my boyfriend, ‘why do I feel like this all of a sudden? what id it which makes me feel this way?’

Now I feel like I know. My eating started playing up again in the summer due to a couple of events, a birthday and a festival, with my boyfriends friends. Now dont get me wrong, this is a reflection of me and not of them, but I have a crippling worry of what they think of me. I had so much anxiety at both these events that I essentially ruined them, and straight after that I started at college, and all f this combined is why me eating disorder has come back.

I get very scared when it comes to people that I dont know very well. With my friends and people that I’ve spent a lot of time with and spoken to a lot over social media I am great, people that I’ve relaxed around and hung out with in pyjamas and confessed stupid shit to whilst drunk, I feel fine around those people. However, people like my boyfriends friends & family, friends of friends, people at work, people at college, I am completely terrified about what they think of me. This, in turn., leads me to restrict what I eat, and has started becoming particularly prevalent since September. When we see my boyfriends friends or family I practically starve for the week leading up to it because I feel so nervous and want to be looking my best so that I can feel as confident as possible, because I remember how it felt to have nobody like me and am so scared of that reoccurring. Last Saturday me and my boyfriend were having a chill day and he mentioned that one of his friends wanted to meet us for a drink later, and I could not eat for the rest of the day. Even after these plans were called off, I still had anxiety at the idea and felt a need to be in control and to be thin.

I’m not eating great this week because we ae going out with my boyfriends friends on friday night, but I am going out with mine on saturday night so I will probably eat fine saturday.

So what I have learnt so far is that due to being bullied and alienated in sixth form I have crippling anxiety that people dont like me and wish that I could control whether people will like me or not, and to cope with these feelings I restrict my food to make myself look thinner (and nicer and therfore easier to like) and I also use this as a form of feeling like I have control over my ife, as well as punishing myself for whatever the reasons were that people did not like me in the past.

Obviously this is all bad stuff, but I feel so happy that I finally know it. I feel like I have made such a big step in terms of sorting out my self esteem issues and beating this thing for good eventually.

#eating disroders #eating disoder recovery #recovery #mental health #mental illness #therapy #anorexia #anxiety

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btamamura · 5 years

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Stress is Reaching Peak Levels

Okay, so my life has been giving me more stress to the point that I am more and more on edge as a result.

What’s going on?

Okay, so first is the longterm health issues. Those are still giving me trouble and we’re still no closer to answers. My doctor keeps blowing it off as anxiety but my body has days it’s so weak my legs can’t hold me up and I literally drag myself across the floor. (Looking into getting something I can use on such days.) I worry on days I can’t eat because the last time I didn’t eat for 24 hours, I almost wound up in the ICU. That was almost a year ago.

Next, the new additions. Migraines (silent and painful) are becoming more frequent. My eyes sometimes hurt so much I need to lie with them closed for a few hours. If I need to move around the house (toilet for example), I either use my own senses to guide me or my nephew takes my hand and leads the way.

Third, I’m being investigated for breast cancer. I’m having a biopsy next week (would’ve had it the Thursday just gone but the appointment I had before it ran overtime and had to reschedule); they suspect it’s a benign fibroadenoma but it’s way too soon to say. The biopsy will provide confirmation. My sis and I are already planning for if it’s The Big C and how we’d go about it with her kids.

Finally, I’m being forced to undertake a course that’s a combination of confidence building and job search skills. Yeah, wanna know how my last two courses went?

The first course I missed a lot because I fell ill, then my mental health was horribly affected, then I was rushed to hospital in case I had a stroke, thankfully it was a Bell’s Palsy. Still, everyone around me had to tell me to stop before I made my health even worse.

The second I only managed to stay a couple of days...that was when my autoimmune condition was triggered and I’d been sick with it since.

Those were courses I’d WANTED to take!

What’s worse is that thanks to my experiences in school, I have a literal fear of being in classroom settings and the bullying I dealt with every single day contributed to my PTSD. My mental health would already struggle with the course, but now we have the physical issues I’ve lived with for five years that have only gotten WORSE and leave me basically useless around the house, how do they expect me to do a course two days a week for six weeks when I can barely do anything around the house due to being too nauseous or too woozy or too sore or too weak?!

So, yeah. That’s all piling up and all I can do is cry and panic and fret and stress out over it.

CAN I HAVE ONE BREAK?!?! JUST ONE?!?! AT LEAST A YEAR OF NO HEALTH ISSUES, NO CANCER SCARES, NOTHING TO TRIGGER MY PTSD?!?!

When my sis heard I was being forced to do the course, the response was not “ooh, that’ll be good for you!” like in the past. She asked if the ones who put me into it are trying to kill me. She’s seen me at my worst in all the years we’ve known each other. Talked me through suicidal ideations, visited me in hospital, helped me get up after particularly bad falls, help with care (even as little as making sure I had something to nibble on even on bad days), called ambulances for me when it seemed I needed them. She’s talked me through being more rational when my anxiety kicks in about everything, whether it’s what life has in store, the health issues, being literally afraid of eating because of bad experiences with certain foods (yes, I’d actually been diagnosed with anorexia in the past, it was two years ago when I almost starved myself to actual death), talking me down from a panic attack, reassuring me I’ll be okay when I worry about being investigated for cancer. She knows how bad I can get and she knows how dangerous it can be.

By this point, I am doing far from okay. Still alive but my mind is not handling the stress and it’ll pile onto my body (I’ve been going through a flare-up, this just makes it worse) and could land me in hospital.

I need a break. If my body and my life could lay off, that’d be great.

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yourcertainstudentlight-blog · 6 years

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Hey, when I was 18 I got 3 points for speeding. It is coming up to 5 years since I got them and when doing insurance quotes it always says 'any speeding convictions within 5 years' I was just wondering, dees that mean once it has been 5 years, that I won't have to declare them anymore? and will they completely disappear from my driving record/license? Also, please no replies saying 'grow up, dont speed etc. I know, which is why I grew up and haven't for 5 years. Thanks.""

What is the major advantage of term life insurance over whole life insurance?

Are car insurance quotes free?

i just want to know

How much will insurance cost? (teen driver)?

im 16 and im getting my license in a week or so and i was wondering how much will the insurance cost? im going to be driving a 2003 corolla and my parents have state farm. any help? thanks!

Cheapest Motorcycle insurance?

I have a job & have paid my car insurance fully each month since I was 16 it was expected of me. I also tend to pay for my motorcycle insurance I have 2 jobs & go to College. I have had 3 speeding tickets 2 in 2008 & one in 2009 2 were around 10MPH over & the 3rd was around 15ish. I have my reasons for speeding regardless drive down the interstate & find more then 3 people that don't speed..SERIOUSLY I HAD PLACES TO BE cops are prejudice. Anyway I want a 02 or newer Motorcycle & state farm is my current provider although I know that are Top Of The Line & I just want the cheapest insurance for motorcycles. I understand my rates will be higher then average but I turn 21 in a year and it can only drop. I just need some Input here. Thank you!

What is the best pet insurance company for my puppy?

I just got a 2 month old beagle puppy. What insurance company would be the best for my puppy? And what coverage would I really need?

Car insurance for new drivers !?

Ok so Ive spent quite some time googling this but to no real answer ! My question is, what is the cheapest insurance available for a newly passed 18 year old male? From this i mean: What care gives the cheapest quote? What insurer is the cheapest? Of course i know there is no one cheapest insurer/car but a general type of answer would be helpful. like saying what your insurance was at 18 on what car and with what insurer! Thanks very much !""

What is a good insurance plan for some one 49 years?

Single, non smoker. I don't have health insurance and Im gonna need it. I don't know where to start.""

Cheapest car insurance in usa?

im 18. my parents now have a plan in Geico. I was to sign in also in a plan but I think Geico is too expensive. Which car insurance company is the CHEAPEST ( Allstate, 21st etc. ) ? idk if it matters but the place of living is in Virginia.""

What cars are cheap to insure in england?

im 19 and have had my license for 2 years and im looking to buy a car. I want a 4 door car but really don't care what it is as long as it is cheap. So i would like to know if there are any particular cars that are known to have cheaper insurance, thanks.""

Where does the money go that everyone pays for car insurance?

If I pay $100 a month for car insurance for 20 years that's $24,000. I know 5 people in my family who pay approximately that so that's about $120,000. So with everyone who drives pays about that, where does all that money go? To pay for car wrecks? Government? What? (No, I've never had a wreck or used the insurance to pay for anything)""

I am 17 and i am looking for cheap car insurance. does anyone know a good insurer?

I'm tired of being an agent assistant. What other jobs can i find in the insurance industry?

I have a bachelor in marketing and i've been working as a licensed assistant to an insurance agent. I plan on working here at least another year, but I am interested in learning about other jobs in the industry since our corporate office is nearby. What are some other jobs i can look into? Just looking for ideas, thanks.""

What is the cheapest company for a 17 year Old's car insurance in the UK?

I am 17 and looking around on sites the car insurance is around 2500 but this is too expensive for me, if I was to get car insurance I would probably drive a ford fiesta or something like that.""

Car Insurance costs: How can I tell what my car insurance will be without giving away details...?

I have my provisional, and as soon as I pass I intend on getting a car. I am in the UK, and was wondering if there was a way to see how much car insurance costs. I was looking to see if I could roughly get a car insurance quote without already having a car etc, since I would obviously have to see the insurance price before buying the car. Any contributions to solving this question will be greatly appreciated! I cannot find the answer anywhere! Please do not post comments such as ask around or ask an agent Thanks guys! (:""

USAA car insurance vs. Geico?

My husband is in the army, and he has been using USAA car insurance, and I have been using Geico. I am putting them both on one plan, and Geico is $300 cheaper a year than USAA. But does anyone have any experience of which one is better? He really wants to keep USAA, but I want to save $$ with Geico. I'm just mostly wondering if USAA is worth the extra money. Any help would be appreicated! Thanks! :)""

Car insurance on a third gen camaro?

No idea who im going to for insurance but im19 and have 1speeding ticket on record ive never had insurance and my licensce was suspended for that ticket im trying to get my 1985 camaro on the road but testing the waters first and is there any way to reduce the cost of car insurance

17 year old car insurance quotes help please?

Right i havnt yet passed but my test is soon and i cannot get quoted less than 3000 on a toyota yaris and even a mitza 800cc its crazy if i could get it to 2000 pound i can afford it ive heard of i kube but that was still 3000 just wondering if there were any more companies like that or wether any of you have in the last year or so had any quotes for 2000 or less and with which company can u help me please and no answers like tough its always expensive i know that i just need it at a reasonable price thanks.

How to get young drivers car insurance down?!... HELP :(?

Hey, Im 19 and passed my test in july. Ive finally saved up enough to buy my first car and im looking at buying something around 1000-2000. Only thing im struggling with now is finding affordable car insurance. The cheapest ive been quoted is 2,500 a year, but im hoping to get it cheaper! Anyone any tips on how to get it down? .. would it work out cheaper if i went on my mums policy when she renews it later this month or would that not make any difference. Arggh this is so stressful!""

Insurance in Queens?

I live in Queens, New York (I'm 27). I have a Toyota Camry 1997. I only have liability insurance but for some reason I pay ridiculous insurance - I pay around $330 a month (have ...show more""

Average cost of car insurance ?! 20YO?

I'm a 20 year old female , I'm about to get my own car insurance . What's the average monthly cost for someone my age with just an old beater car?""

Cheapest car insurance for a young driver?

im 20..i own a car. no tickets and no accidents i have had my license for a yr and half where can i find the cheapest car insurance?

What is the best age to buy life insurance?

Cheap Car Insurance for a 17 Year old in the UK?

Im a male, i dont want no comparison sites as they are useless i can find sites that will give me good quotes, and please dont tell me to insure a 1.0 - 1.2 litre engine as i have figured out i can insure a 1.9 diesel engine for like 200 more. However i want to know if you know anymore than my current listen i have tried: Tesco llyods Tsb Direct line Virgin Vauxhall Citreon Peugoet If you know anymore can you please tell me thank you""

Where can I get the third party insurance?

I am travelling in New Zealand and I am looking for a temporary third party insurance policy. I am a non resident of New Zealand and was wondering if anyone knows where i can get an insurance policy?

How much is car insurance for 18 year old?

How much would car insurance cost under Allstate in North Carolina for an 18 year old boy? I drive a 2003 Ford Ranger if it helps, I'm a safe driver and do good in school?""

How and where can I get car insurance how much will it cost?

I called rent a wreck and they said in order for me to rent a car I need car insurance?

What happens after you buy car insurance online?

Just curious as I'm planning on buying a years insurance for the first time in my life (I'm 17) from the post office website. Either that or could I pay at my local post office branch? I'm so close to getting my own car and then insuring it seems so simple that every time I think of it I start to physically shake!!! Thanks!

If someone hit my car & insurance says it is totalled will my car be taken from me even if i want to keep it?

My car was hit but is still safe and legal but to fix it is expensive and insurance has decided to call it 'totalled'. I heard that my car will be taken from me and that I will have to pay to get it back out of hock if this is the case. Can someone let me know if this is true? I would like to be able to keep my car!

How much will my insurance go up?

I accidentally backed up into the corner of someones parked car going about 3-4 mph and there were some paint scuffs and a 4-5 inch crack.

Where can I get the best deal for auto insurance?

Currently my wife and I get our insurance through SafeCo. We're both in out mid-30s and have great driving records (mine is perfect). We're paying $188/month ('07 Pilot, '00 Tundra). Any recommendations on where we can get a better rate?""

What is the best pet insurance company for my puppy?

I just got a 2 month old beagle puppy. What insurance company would be the best for my puppy? And what coverage would I really need?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/pixley-california-cheap-car-insurance-quotes-zip-93256-robert-porter/"

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