#but i cant plan it out bc theres so much
Text
ok the stress actually finally got to me today when i have SIX fucking days left until # THAT happens! im so anxious rn bc theres so much to do and its so overwhelming
#the problem is if i stop ill start feeling guilty about wasting away the entire last week#so the only thing i can do is#do the work#but then i cant because theres so much and if i dont plan it out i feel so overwhelmed#but i cant plan it out bc theres so much#plus i always overestimate my efficiency#so i suppose the only thing i can do rn is like DO THE WORK#let me affirm myself for a second i like being delusional about this#i dont need to memorise the essays that much bc if i plan on practising a lot anyways i should theoretically be fine#however i need two backup paragraphs to be written asap#if i do a trial for maths today and gauge my general ability i'll be less stressed about it#besides hearing from the others it didnt seem to be too hard#after that i'll do the proj motion worksheets k*** told us to redo#and then the t*** mechanics worksheets#after that i'll keep doing papers n if i come across anything concerning i'll target those areas i'm missing#for chem if i just do a mod from k****'s documents a day for the next 3 days i'll be okay#folloewd by daily papers afterwards#i'll do a paper today to gauge my ability too#i believe i'll be less stressed if i do#as for latin god am i screwed#as its both in the second week perhaps i'll be okay#i need to edit the aen and juvenal stuff asap so i can memorise it#I JUST FUCKIGN REMEMBERED IM RANKED SECOND AND I CANT AFFORD TO LOSE IT NOW FUCK FUCK#its fine. its fine im ok im ok!#im ok!#iM OKAY#ok dont worry about it memorising takes honestly like 2 days tops#i'll do them#over the course of 18th and 19th#i'll memorise in class lol
1 note
·
View note
Text
people love to use ffxiii’s messy development as a reason to completely shit on the game but honestly the fact they managed to sneak in so many little details in the gameplay in a way that reflects the characters and story despite all the miscommunication between the dev sections is just impressive to me
#was xiii horribly planned out and missed out on a lot of important feedback because of the poor time management? absolutely#does that mean you cant be impressed with what the game achieved regardless of whether you liked it or not? fuck no#also the fact theres next to no bugs (not counting the pc port because... yeah) is amazing all things considered#and the graphics still hold up to this day#the linearity is everyones main issue with the game but look at x dude#x was linear as hell too but it makes sense bc yuna had a pilgrimage to follow#just as how it makes sense for the xiii cast to not have time to stop and explore cocoon while they were being hunted by the government#thats why you have so much more freedom to explore when youre on pulse#theres not even anything objectively wrong with having a game be linear in the first place#and the people complaining about the story being ''incoherent'' are just... wrong?#they give you enough hints within the dialogue to piece the story together yourself while also not leaning on exposition dumps to tell it#and if you cant do that then the datalogs are right THERE#games have relied on ''notes'' to tell parts of their story for ages now and i dont understand why its suddenly bad when xiii does it#i dont like sitting through exposition dumps and i like being able to analyse and theorize about a plot WHILE im experiencing it#and a lot of other people feel the same way so its not an objectively bad aspect of the game's storytelling#you just need to pay attention and be patient and wait for the story to unfold#i went off the rails but ANYWAY#aki stfu#final fantasy xiii
82 notes
·
View notes
Text
:(
Very bad grade in therapy today
#thought i could make progress this year and yet here i am having done jack shit by now#what has even been the point#i just wanted to do something today that didnt feel awful like try to encourage people to watch a show or play a game#and now im just right back to Why do i bother staying alive? im never going to make any progress#and even if i do I'm going to just be worthless the whole time and waste precious resources others could be using#oh yes just try saying a nice thing to yourself for once! yeah sure that will help when i cant do anything worth a damn#i want to help people but i have no skillsets and no money to further my education and teaching myself gets me right where i already am!#continuing like this is like spitting in the face of anyone who is actually out there pursuing their dreams and thats not fair to them#they put in all that hard work and im over here being a whiny ass bitch bc i want so badly to do better and learn more#but the only thing holding me back is that im a dumbass who cant do anything right and no one will ever think differently#why am i trying to make myself something i can never be? what is goddamn point if its just a waste of everyones time and effort#i just... it feels like the least i can do is just stop taking up space#free up some oxygen for someone who really needs it and shelter for someone who truly deserves it#i shouldnt even have these things and yet i complain about how much gas i have to pay to commute to my jobs#like such an asshole#and i said i so much in these tags bc im such a selfish jerk who coearly doesnt care enough nor has a worthwhile vocabulary to say otherwise#theres just no fucking point to any of this#...#its cold today#might be a good day to do my favorite plan#actually yeah fuck it im gonna go#hope you all stay kind to yourselves and enjoy your 2024#you absolutely deserve it and everything you can get out of it#keep being amazing yall#see you on the flip side or whatever#orbs thought bubbles
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Why is making friends as an adult so hard 😫
#some people from work invited me to hang out with them bc theyre going to the cinema tomorrow and to a theme park after pay day#and like i said yes to these spontaneous plans bc this is the first time in 4 years im being invited out by work people#but then i get home and they havent added me to the gc to give details so now im panicked because i dont wanna pester them yknow??#and like logically they want me there because they didnt invite everyone so theres literally no obligation on their part...#but i dont wanna be annoying and seem like im like demanding to go with them ughhh#why cant my parents just organise all my outings with friends like they used to it was so much easier that way#personal#im considering waiting a couple days to follow up about it bc maybe they just forgot???#or even until i see them again on Tuesday#but then will they think im not interested???#idkidk but i do know that this is kinda maybe a sign i should think more about getting that social anxiety diagnosis#because i dont think this level of overthinking is normal.. or at least it shouldnt be#if you read this far ily and im sorry jsjdkdj but yeah fr props to you for putting up with this spiral into madness and hope youre good <3
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
I've largely sorted out my thoughts for the wolfwood & eye of Michael analysis post, tho I can't write it yet bc I have to go to fucking Work >:/
Homophobic
#speculation nation#i wanna double check one part of the manga. just in case.#i plan to reference three different parts tho at Least. from very different sections#mostly theres a few pages we see and get no explanation for. id honestly forgotten them until i reread thru the section#so i wanna do my best to puzzle out what it could be. float some theories.#cant rly come to many definite conclusions bc it's that brief. but i sure can come up with some theories.#oh. correction. i will be referencing FOUR parts. bc my 2nd theory depends on the background reference lol#three of the parts are in the same general area of the story. but the pages im focusing on r much earlier on#later today. i will write this.#gonna put in the effort to write ids for this too bc i have a feeling ppl r gonna appreciate this one. i hope!
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Tired, in pain, can't sleep at all. This sucks.
#oh eggs are simple!#diary#personal#disordered eating#so like. i want to eat better. but. the amount of work i need to achieve that seems impossible#like. i need things to be easy and fesible for me to do.#buuuuut i have all these hidden limitations like. i just hate touching/dealing with raw meat or eggs or anything#its bc my moms germophobia transfered to me 💀#and like. i wont use x machine bc 1. im scared of where its placed it might have splatter from *something*#and 2. its loud and 3. its complex to use/clean (its a blender)#and all pans are just hard to predict when theyll be clean and it bothers me so i dont try to cook much lately#bc i can never plan when ill have energy#and theres too many meals in a day!!! and i refuse to do anything without hyper research!!!!!#LIKE I MAKE THINGS SO DIFFICULT FOR MYSELF THAT IT STRESSES ME OUT A TON AND IM TIRED. really tired#and looking at quick recipes are all like no they arent!!!! its stressful!!!!#whats super annoying is i make more complex things regularly bc theyre just something simple to me.#...tho not necessarily. just. ugh. its annoying and contradictory#idk how to eat well and keep myself alive#i like trying new things but i also eat very VERY selectively#why cant i just have a pill or something and never eat unless i wanna#its infuriating and stressful and idk what to do about it.#rules rules rules rules rules rules rules. so many arbitrary horrible hard to understand rules.#pls give me suggestions if u want. just fyi im also super picky with fruits n veggies... honestly how am i still alive????#probably bc i live with my parents haha... ha.#i think id be on disability or homeless otherwise.#or something idk. im a mess. send help pls.
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Haunted by Dread 😗✌️
#stuff sarah says#i think thats what gets me a lot of time#and it probably feels worse bc i cant/its rlly hard for me to compartmentalize bc of ocd#still v happy my therapist told me abt that. it makes so much sense#but like. i have a stomacheache about going to work. on thursday. it is tuesday at 6:30pm...#i can never enjoy moments bc im dreading what will or could happen next#and its fucked me over in a lot of ways#and its ??? work isnt even that bad actually??? everyones rlly nice??#and i fucked up today and ppl were very patient and understanding#the customers are v nice so far esp when i tell them im new?#but its just the like. knowing theres blocks of time dedicated to something out of my control i guess?#and i think its also knowing like. i cant long term plan around this kind of schedule#i want to make plans with friends in early october but i cant?#that was smth really nice about my old job. i always knew what hours i was working and when
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
me: okay i need to get school work done im going to sit down and work on homework i need to finish these assignments theyre all due soon
me, inevitably, every time:
#i have so many things i need to work on instead but#my brain only wants to work on this#which tbh i have a lot of stuff fleshed out#but the main plot not so much... 💀💀#like i have small details and random scenes planned but the main overarching plot is still a mess#like i have an idea but idk#and then of course i should run it by someone but also theres a part of me that wants literally all of it to be a surprise to everyone#yknow#like#i should bounce ideas off of someone to see if my ideas are even good#but im just like#surprise everyone#jfhkjdfhkjdfg#also my bestie who is an xfiles expert isnt caught up on dw so#there are elements that i dont want to spoil for them yknow#like ive been talking to them about this but i cant tell them some stuff bc its spoilery#for dw#so if theres anyone out there who is a dw and xfiles fan#feel free to let yourself be known#so i can share my ideas with you
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
when i remember this is my life and im actually living this i feel so weird
#i think i am constantly having an existential crisis but its so frequently blocked out by the also constant dissociation and numbness#so its like i have brief blips of consciousness where the reality of my horrible life hits me andni have to deal with it#ive thought about killing myself sooo much the past few weeks and i made liek a new active plan a few days ago for when i get money#but idk if ill be able to go through with it im such a pussy and dont know a good location either#it jsut hurts to be alive rn and idk how to make it better nothing helps haha#i wish i didnt feel sovshitty bc ivwant to lvoe my life so much i love my roommate and our cats and where i live and my future career#but theres trash everhwhere and theres ■■■■■ and ■■■■■ and everything fucked up in my brain thats constantly making everythingbawful#and i jsut dont know how im expected to survive it anynore#it feels like everyone ive met knows im goign to die before them like everyones acceoted im going to killvmyself soon enough#i dont know what to do anynore im so so sick of this being how i am just bc i got born severely disabled#i cant function at all eithout major support and im a financial drain and wnergy drain obviously i hte it#whatever fml i can barely keep my ryes open heres to more being useless smd unsble to function in a modern world tomorrow and 🍻#snarls
0 notes
Text
i remember what i was panicky about and man i wish i didnt gjfkfl
#if the dentists missed this cavity then what others did they miss. are there more?? am i going to be out thousands of dollars???#i have no fucking clue if theres more cavities bc they didnt check while I was in there bc they were just focused on this one#that one tumblr post rly wasnt messing around when they said to keep up w dental hygiene no matter how much u want to doe#die*#it rly is fucking awful. goddamn. it rly does make ur life so much worse#idk if i can deal w having more. i wish i knew if i had more rn. but i ... dont know when i will make another appt#god i feel so fucking sick#if i have a bunch more then i think i have to just off myself early. i dont think i can handle that fnfkdl#what a fucking pathetic reason to off urself earlier than u planned to. but damn. this is a fucking nightmare for me#i feel so fucking sick#i dont want to deal with this !!! i dont want to be here !!! how many more cavities do i have rn !!!!#idk why they didnt check !!!! they already missed this one and its cost me $200+ so why wouldnt they check for more!!!#i wish i could just kill myself now but i have to wait at least until like.. end of january so i dont ruin the holiday for everyone#also i dont rly want to die fjfjdl I'd like to hang out until my savings run out#but i just. i cant deal with this. idk. this is so fucking terrifying for me. idk why im so pathetic abt dentist stuff#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#suicide tw
1 note
·
View note
Text
...
#theres a special kind of agony in tryinf to find an apartment in an college town with a housing shortage#everythings expensive as fuck and im sure its frustrating for everyone but i feel like its especially frustrating for me#bc it takes me so much fucking time to understand the information right in front of me and then i doubt myself so i have to check and check#and double check and triple check that im on the right website. that im inputting the right info#and its like. what if theres a better place i could b looking? like i found a management place to apply to thats expensive but less#expensive than another place but the building looks like its kinda on the edge of town like 15min drive from school#which i hate bc im an anxious freak and its gonna b worse than driving here bc itll get icey as fuck there#like proper inches of snow all winter. negative negative cold. so its like. do i take a nice apartment thats kinda far away#or a slightly more expensive apartment thats like 10min from school and more in town#and then theres the application stuff. and i cant fill anything out without having a full on like sobbing breakdown#but im that way abt everything. i do that all the time when i have to buy plane tickets#its exhausting. and i cant plan my exit until i know when i can move into a place. whatever. it doesnt help that my hormones r fucked rn#or i hope its the hormones. ive been so tired. so so tired. like sleeping 9hrs and still tired when usually im wired after only 7hrs sleep#i hate it. and super brain foggy. and this week i have to finish taking measurements for the last time#so i gotta decide if im gonna go in tomorrow or Monday to start it. its gonna suck so bad bc im gonna try to do it in 6 days. which will b#agony. but after that ill never have to do it ever again. ugh. im just so tired and i dont wanna limp my way into a new project feeling#like damaged goods. which is exactly what it feels like now. ive just done a very good job of making my job difficult#cant go into the lab without feeling physically ill. drained away all my joy. now theres only a sad distant recognition of how far ive#allowed myself to fall. i kno ill feel better once i have a place to stay and i can quit my job just getting there is taking an eternity#unrelated
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
yumyumyum
#i SWEAR no more#its just easier bc idk tags feel non permanent#im so!!!!! overwhelmed!!!#im also rlly hungry but gabby has bare minimum food#and i still have an urge to attempt saving food#im so upset rn and yes it is also cause im hungry but also hhhhh#theres so many things!!!!#my laptop updated so ofc it doesnt have wifi again#plans were made and no one listened to me when i told them NO#so theyre dtill trying to follow through and i said no!!!!! the whole weekend i said no!!!!#PLEASE LISTEN TO ME 😭😭😭#im overwhelmed by how much i need to get done#that i feel uh whats it called choice paralysis or smth?#idk it feels impossible to get anything started#im worried about my hw but my fucking laptop 😭😭😭#im so upset i didnt even realize i was like sobbing but!!! i cant help it!!! im fucking upset!!!#and my body hurts from yesterday and i cant do my hw in my room but i Dont want to see anyone#i dont even know what i need help with but my brain is going 'u need help from someone to do smth'#but i cant!!!! im all socialized out and id have to talk to someone and#im worrid abput my dumb fucking brother but also he didnt listen to me one bit so#im so pverwhelmed!!!!!#rverybody pls slow the fuck down and let me catch up its too much i have go go slower than this in life#i cant do this please just give me a break please pleaseplease please#gata#this is a little pathetic but im just im so upset please
0 notes
Text
nvm im too tired and overstimulated for this shit
#.vent#i only slept a couple hours last night man. i cant do short notice evening socials on an empty tank let alone resist unexpected rsd#if they had let me know earlier then i wouldve taken a nap and worked out beforehand to get my energy back up#idk just. if u rly want my company then maybe u should actually invite me next time. its not like they didnt plan it#even if they just forgot its not particularly pleasant to be the one person insignificant enough to forget abt. theres only 5 of us#they rly remembered to ask the one guy who isnt even here before me yknow. ugh u see the stupid thoughts i have to battle!!#like on a rational level ik it was probably genuinely accidental. but the way i instinctively react is not always rational#so regardless someone has to deal with the emotional fallout and thats me. regulating this shit is hard work even when im NOT tired asf#i really really dont want to be an asshole and spoil anyones fun bc its no-ones fault + as real as it feels to me rn ik im overreacting#but i cant voluntarily expose myself to personal triggers when im already exhausted + more vulnerable than usual#so just gotta shut myself in my room and deal with it in my own super healthy ways as per usual. may they never fucking find out#trying my best not to be an asshole i hope to fucking god they dont think im being an asshole i just told them i was tired + i meant it#this wouldnt be so much of a problem if it hadnt happened to me before. and also ik its bc one rsd trigger makes me more sensitive-#to picking up unrelated cues but there ARE other things they do that i find ostracising which rly dont fucking help. but-#theyre not things i can actually confront them abt so usually i just gotta deal w it which is fine but it lowers my general tolerance#its ok. its ok i like them all a lot theyre lovely ppl and it doesnt matter if there is a some grain of truth in the things im thinking#bc the risk of me believing + acting on a bad faith irrational thought leads to outcomes that are far worse than those from#misidentifying someones malicious behaviour towards me as neutral by accident/in good faith. okay im done now i think#just ignore me spewing out the old brain gunk on main again eurgh anyway im gonna go calm myself and read and SLEEP#ill be normal by tomorrow morning farewell comrades#honestly i dont mind dealing w shit this way bc its the best option for everyone but man. sometimes its so fucking lonely#like there are sides of me ppl will never engage with and for good reason but without them being acknowledged i find it rly hard to feel-#any real emotional intimacy or closeness with another person. but what other option is there#i sure as hell dont miss the fights i used to constantly get into when i wasnt able to regulate myself i lost so many friends that way#it is what it is. on we go for now
0 notes
Text
Literally cannot imagine my life if choso didn't exist as a character this man has been my entire personality for almost 2 years now and I love him so much
#bc season 2 isnt out yet ive been steadily collecting almost every piece of official merch thats released#id say theres probably like 10 things i dont have yet but want to! shipping from japan is expensive though so i cant just impulse order#its mostly like postcards and file folders i dont have plus the jump festa merch from this year and a new keychain just came out#theres an acrylic print/stand thing of the blood is thicker than curses artwork but its like $60 for some reason and it looks tiny#i love that art so much but i have to prioritize#but even unofficial stuff i got shirts blanket croc charms#i even made a cosplay but its not done#i care about him so much#oh ya i have a stick n poke of him (incomplete) and im planning to get a proper tattoo pnce the series ends#i have the panel picked out but im waiting in case theres a better one#really he did something to my brain chemistry ill never understand but i owe him everything#literally. love him. i love his heart#id do anything for him i just wanna cut the crust off his sandwiches and give him a hug
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
warmhappycat
Can't Make Any Promises
the-officially-kat
OFFICIALLY KAT
refalthefairest
Just A Glimpse Into My Mind
hallucenati
.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.
kvberhearts
may the force of others be with you