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hollowedwing · 3 years

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Isekai-ed into Hawk's Life

Hawks x gn!winged!Reader

Warnings: ⚠️ Death!(at very beginning, it is an isekai), mentions of death throughout, some angst(??maybe not yet??), slight cursing

THIS WILL NOT FOLLOW A SPECIFIC TIMELINE IN THE MANGA

(so sorry i just, love, love, the idea of having wings)

(this is all my art, it is on IG, im just too embarrassed for people who know me irl to potentially find this xD Even though none of them have tumblr 👀 if you somehow recognize it...props to you?)

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tbh, I can’t decide if I want this to have more than 1 part.

Word count: ~1,800

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You were on your way home from a long evening at your part time job. Before that you had already taken 2 finals that morning too.

You dragged your feet, exhausted, as you headed towards the crosswalk. Stopping at the edge as the traffic light turned green, you decided to pull out your phone and decided to watch a speed paint from your favorite artist who recently released a new video.

It just so happened it was a Hawks speed paint 👀

The light turned red and you slipped your phone into your pocket as your started to make your way across the street

little did you know this would be the last time you'd cross the street

A wild driver came barreling down the road, no regards for civilians or traffic lights, probably drunk or high or just someone out for blood.

You stood there like a deer caught in headlights as your life flashes before your eyes

You can barely comprehend what's happening as you felt pain engulf your body and suddenly you were unconscious

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Keigo tiredly stumbled into his large apartment, kicking off his shoes and shrugging his jacket off by the door

He wants nothing more than to just flop down and pass out. The HPSC has been giving him hell lately about god knows what.

He let out a long sigh and headed towards the bathroom to do his nightly routine

As he finishes up, he drags his feet towards his bed and flops down face first into the comfort of his pillow and sheets

Keigo falls asleep almost instantly after getting into a comfortable position, worn out from a long day of work

What he wasn't expecting was a loud "thud!" coming from the main room. He jolts up from his bed, feathers ready to attack.

*******

Reader's pov(?)

*******

You groaned as you hit the floor. Your head was spinning and it feels like a truck just hit you

oh wait...

You suddenly became more alert, looking around in a panic, expecting to either be on the road and injured or in a hospital of sorts. What you didn't expect was a wooden floor inside of a random apartment.

You felt around your body for any signs of injury, but all you found were a set of wings on your back- wings?? Hold up. Why did you feel wings what kind of sick joke was this?

Your thoughts were racing as your breathing picked up. What was happening? Didn't you just get hit by a vehicle? Why are there wings in your back? Where are you even?

Feeling around in your pockets, you found your phone and whipped it out, trying for anything. You turned it on, the harsh light of it illuminating your face, you tried to send a text to your best friend, but alas, it wouldn't go through. Actually nothing on your phone seemed to work. You checked your location settings, for some reason it said Musutafu, Japan.

Wasn't....Wasn't that the location that most of Boku no Hero Academia took place?? This can't be right, this has to be a dream right? There's no way that you could have actually ended up here unless...

Then it hit you.

You read your fair share of isekai series back when you were alive in your realm. Mostly manhwas of characters getting reborn into another person's body, but, never actually reincarnating as yourself into another world.

That was the only thing you could think of. You must have been reincarnated into the Boku no Hero Academia world. Except as yourself.

In all honesty, this is not how you thought you'd go out. You didn't know what to expect after death, but this definitely wasn't it. After all, this was a fictional setting, wasn't it?

Well, not anymore because now you're living in it! Smh.

That would also probably explain the wings on your back. This was you now. You have a bird quirk.

Now, all you have to do, is figure out where the heck you are.

Just as you are about to stand up, feathers zip towards you, pinning you to the ground

You hear footsteps begin to come towards you. You don't know if you should be scared for your life considering you've already died once or ecstatic because, you knew for a fact, this could be none other than Hawks' apartment.

The winged hero finally emerges and stares down at you, crossing his arms over his chest.

He says in a low, gravely voice from sleep, "Who are you, and how did you get into my home?" You stare back up at him and nervously chuckle.

"I'm not sure you'd believe me if I told you." You nervously sigh out.

"Try me." He demands, sounding a little more irritated now. You sigh in defeat and start to explain your situation.

"Do...do you know what an isekai is?" You said sheepishly while turning your gaze away from his. He kind of gave you a confused head tilt and just a vibe that said “No”. You sigh again and explain it to the best of your ability. Hawks becomes more and more interested and confused as you talk, but nods a long slowly.

“So...you were reborn here, but as yourself? Wait- does that mean you died before!?” He asked, disbelief and fear ran through his eyes. You looked at him in bitter amusement.

“Apparently I did. The last thing I remember of my world was getting hit by some truck or car. The dude clearly did not know how to drive. I had the right of way I was pretty sure at least. I mean, the light was red, usually that means pedestrians can cross the street? And plus he was going wayyy over the speed limit,” you begin to ramble on, the reality of actually dying setting into you. Hawks noticed the panic beginning to set into you and released you from his feathers. He crouched down next to you and grabbed your shoulders gently.

"Hey, hey, hey, look at me, you're ok now, right? You're here, and not dying in the middle of the street still. You're here. In Musutafu," he said trying to calm you back to reality. Well, what was your new reality. Your mind was racing. Trying to put together a coherent thought.

You look up to him, with a panicked look still in your eyes, thoughts started to come out of your mouth as your brain was trying to catch up with the situation. "I'm... I'm in Boku no Hero Academia and, and you’re Keigo... standing... right in front of me..I have wings. I have wings? Jeezus I have fucking wings. And I’m dead in my own world. I don’t know anyone, well, wait, technically, I do know people, just-Oh gods! I’m so sorry, that name slipped out! I- I, I’m really sorry Hawks." Even in your wild state, you noticed Hawks tense up at the sound of being called Keigo by a total stranger, and were able to get out an apology. That was progress? You were slowly coming back to reality.

Hawks froze up a bit at the sound of hearing his real name mentioned. At first he wasn't sure if he believed your tale of the isekai situation, but after this he might have to reconsider it. He opted to shake off that weird feeling for now and focus on different matters.

" I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do now? I have nowhere to go or to stay. I'm in a whole different freaking universe! My phone doesn't even hardly work here. And I have a pair of wings on my back!" You puffed them out angrily. Hawks glanced behind you and his eyes widened a little. You in fact, did have a set of bird wings. Kind of owl like wings. Not near as big as Hawks', but definitely big enough to fly you around.

Before Hawks could process the words coming out of his mouth, he was already asking you, "Would you maybe like to stay with me? I can help with your quirk too." He glanced away awkwardly. You looked towards him in disbelief.

"Dude, are you sure? We literally just met like 10 minutes ago? I mean, I'm all for it, I have nowhere else to turn to, but if you really really don't want me here, I will politely step out of your life." You so badly wanted to accept his offer on the spot, but being the considerate, mostly sensible human you were, you gave him the option to back out. Hawks shook his head.

"No, no, it's alright. You can crash here. Uh- I mean- stay here! Sorry!" You giggled at his comment.

"Well thank you very much!"

"It's all good. I have a spare bedroom you can occupy for the time being. I'll give you some clothes to sleep in that'll hopefully fit. Accidentally bought a couple things in the wrong size without looking. " (a/n: just...just assume its your size, or oversized, whatever's comfy idk) He jumped up and headed towards his room to grab you the clothes. You still sat on the floor. Still amazed at everything that was occurring.

Hawks walked back into the room and tossed you the clothes. "Hey uh, you know, you can get up now, sorry for holding you down earlier.."

You blushed and scrambled to stand up, "Oh no! It's ok! I understand. This would definitely warrant that kind of action. Some random stranger crashes into your apartment at like 1am. I completely understand. Honest."

He let out a small laugh and wearily brushed his fingers through his hair. The adrenaline of everything finally wearing off. He could feel the tiredness setting into his aching muscles again. “Ah, well, I’m going to head to bed now. The room is down the hall at the very end that you can stay in. I’ll take you out training tomorrow evening if that’s alright?”

You gave a nod of understanding and followed him down the hallway. “Goodnight Hawks,” you sang as he walked into his bedroom. He gave a hum of acknowledgment and closed his door.

Making it into what was now your room, you changed out of your clothes so fast, eager to rid yourself of the past hours events.

Not gonna lie, you could not figure out how to properly get your new wings into the shirt, even with the holes and snaps in the back. Your mind was too exhausted to even process this new skill. So you ended up going to bed without the shirt on and just settled for putting the sweatpants on.

You figured it’d be good to just pass out asap. You were sure if you tried to recount the recent events, you’d spiral into a panicked mess.

You shut your eyes tightly, willing yourself to sleep, trying to only think of positive outcomes for the future. But to be honest, you didn’t know enough about anything in this realm to think rationally about anything good.

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I prooobably didn’t proofread this as much as I should have

#hawks x reader #hawks x gn!reader #hawks x winged reader #bnha x reader #bnha x gn!reader #bnha x gender neutral reader #keigo x you #takami keigo x reader #keigo takami x reader #ahHHHh i really hope this ok???#feedback might be nice? idk Dx #I'm still not in the flow of fanfic writing DX its been 5 years #geeeeZ #also I apologize for the amount of ellipses that i use #thats just how I text/talk kinda #isekaied into hawks life

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fy-2pm · 3 years

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[TRANS] 2PM's Junho 'ESQUIRE' Interview

Summer 2021, Drunk in Junho

The hot and gentle story Junho and I shared with "W by Windsor"

Q: The book "If Our Language is Whiskey" by Haruki Murakami is chosen for the shooting with "W by Windsor" (Hereinafter "W"). It's the perfect combination for a "Whiskey trip" to Scotland and Ireland with the 100% Scottish "W."

JH: This will be interesting. I like reading books. I've been reading a lot lately.

Q: What kind of book do you usually read?

JH: I don't have a favorite reading here. I try to read different kinds of genre and not just focus on a specific genre. Recently, I am into how to handle diseases and death. I read a variety of books. It feels good to know something. If I know about a certain topic, when we talk, we can share our opinions. Even while I was in the army, I don't want to miss the trend so I read more at that time.

Q: You read more during your army. Did anything change since you were discharged?

JH: It's been more than 100 days since my discharge and it's been really hectic. These were the busy days that I've missed, but I managed to adjust really quickly without any hard feelings. It feels like there is no empty space. I don't think I have changed a lot but I think my mindset has changed a bit. Comparing with the past, I want to treat everything more leisurely. I don't want to feel the rush, the struggle or under attack. I just want to do things step by step. That kind of feeling? I think the people around me can see this feeling too.

Q: That's right. 2PM members said "Junho has a hot temper"

JH: When I say I will do something, I will do it right away. I've achieved a lot because of this personality. However, as I look back to myself, there are times when I think if I should have thought about a little more.

Q: During the "Army hiatus" you received a nickname 'My House Junho'. When you find out, how did you react?

JH: It was at autumn 2019 when I just started serving. Because I really miss the stage, I've been looking up 2PM and my own videos. I could see that the number of views for "My House Junho" has increased gradually. I just thought, 'This will come to a stop soon'. It's like an event.

Q: It's a video but there are some interesting comments. It feels like a playground.

JH: It's becoming like a community. In there, it feels like you are competing with each other to see who can write something more interesting. It's amazing. One of the most memorable commend said, "I only realize what is spring after the flowers fell." It sounds sad but feels good. (Note: This is a common Korean phrase meaning I only realized something or someone is good after he/she it's gone)

Q: Spring has come again. You have come again.

JH: It means that we were like flowers. But ironically, I don't think we are gone yet.

Q: The more you think about it, the more touching this is.

JH: I think "My House" received a lot of love not because of algorithm or luch, but because fans have real interest in the song. Just by sharing the video, clicking to view and leaving comments, there are all hard work by fans. This is making it fun and we came across a situation where we can do this all over again. Thank you very much.

Q: It becomes a famous "Icon of Hard Work" and it's seeing the light.

JH: For whatever it is, my personality is to try to achieve it. At one point in time, I thought making an effort itself is difficult. After living like this for a long time, I got used to it and now, I don't think of it as making an effort anymore. I've been working hard on my exercise and die but this just become part of my daily life. But I do think about, 'How much long do I have to do this?' (Laugh).

Q: I think you're a person who will not give up. Junho played the role of Dong-Woo in the movie <Twenty>, where he gave up his dream and said, "Do you know how hard it i to give up?" Not giving up is hard but giving up is hard, too.

JH: I haven't really thought about give up. But if I do give up, I am going to give it up entirely so that I won't remember what happened. To the extreme where is either all or nothing. This is why I don't give up anymore. If you give up something, all that you have done is like nothing had happened.

Q: Even for giving up perfectionism.

JH: With this personality, it used to make me feel really tired. People around me must be tired, too. At one point in time, I feel this is just the way it is. There is nothing wrong with being perfect. But now, I think it's okay to be imperfect. I came to the realization that I cannot do everything by myself. There are also many people who are helping me.

Q: From "Best Idols" to everyone's "Adult Idols". When it comes to adult, you cannot skip the alcohol.

JH: I can't drink that often because I have to take care of my body with exercise and diet. But I do enjoy it. These days, I cannot just drink freely outside, so I will take a sip at home. Drink a little bit of Whiskey and it will make you fall asleep comfortably. I enjoy my alone time like that at home. I used to think coffee and alcohol are bitter. "Why would I drink that?" Now that I know the taste of coffee, I bought a coffee machine. I am also collecting vintage wine. I buy them and give them to people around me as gifts. Let's say you want to drink beer just as cold as coke. For Whiskey, you pour it out to enjoy the taste and aroma. I don't understand this taste before. I thought it was for just people who enjoy strong flavors.

Q: Knowing the taste of coffee and alcohol is like a symbol of adulthood. Especially for Whiskey, that's like the preservation of a mature adult. Actually, I go a little worried when I saw an article saying Junho is not good at drinking. I wonder if you will go well with "W."

JH: Right, I haven't talk much about alcohol. There were articles like "He could only take one glass of beer" or "He went home so early" for the after parties. I think the fans know that I am a weak drinker but it's not bad for them to think I am cute because of that. But I am not that crazily weak! (Laughs)

Q: There's this article where you said "I usually drink well but I refused to drink at an after party yesterday because of thinks interview". So I thought, "Being a weak drinker self-management is on another level"

JH: For sure, if you have a schedule, you have to have some self control. Even if you drink, just enough to feel good. But even if I drink and go to sleep, I feel refreshed the next day. I don't know if it's because my liver is still in good condition, but I don't usually suffer from hangovers.

Q: Many people say that you will suffer less hangovers drinking Whiskey than other alcohol. I think "W" is good for people like Junho who enjoys drinking comfortably.

JH: I think "W" is especially refreshing. It has a good aroma and it's smooth to swallow. Comparing with other alcohol, Whiskey seems to have a higher entry level but you can have "W" easily. Actually, it has a lower alcohol level than normal Whiskey. During today's filming, I can feel the aroma and I've been sipping little by little. Maybe that's why I feel good now (Laugh).

Q: What food will go well with "W"?

JH: They often have nuts and chocolate with Whiskey but i would like to recommend tteokbokki. It's not the spicy tteokbokki but the one with beef and sweet soy sauce. You may think "What do you mean by having tekkbokki with Whiskey?" Just do it. It goes well together.

Q: How do you usually drink Whiskey?

JH: It all depends on my mood or situation. I think you find your own way that suits you, so you can drink comfortably. If you want to go to sleep quickly, drink it in a small glass in one shot. If you want to watch a movie, drink it cold with ice. I've been drinking Whiskey with ice and that got me interested in big block of ice. I even looked up YouTube videos where bar mixologist carved some ice balls. I even thought about buying an ice ball maker.

Q: It's all about "equipment" (Laugh)

JH: Even for coffee, I started not knowing anything but I was curious. I bought coffee beans and did the grinding myself. But the grinding size is too big so I went to study how to make it smaller. It became more fun. The scope of Whiskey is even wider when you have experience the different between having Whiskey on its own or having it with it.

Q: In JTBC's <Knowing Bros> when talked about the reverse popularity with "My House Junho" Wooyoung said "It's all because of Junho's virtue. Junho is very careful in everything so that he won't hurt the members. He will sacrifice for the team" I wonder why he feels like this.

JH: I am working as 2PM and as an actor, so all my schedules need to go well together. There are times when drama comes, so I have to turn down 2PM activities. I think that can happen but it's normal. As an actor, it's difficult to do other things when you are involve in a drama. Even though, I can multi-task my schedules, it's still a problem I need to solve. So even when I don't have much sleep, I don't want to show I'm tired. I always want to make myself feel good.

Q: I think 2PM's charms are "bonds between members" and "consistency". Both sounds easy but it's difficult to do. How did you keep up?

JH: Consideration is the most important and you should never think selfishly. We have been together for 14 years, so one of us could have done that to another person. We weren't adults when we started, so we are always talking to each other and still is today. Our tastes, our personalities and what we want to do are all different. For sure, we compromise and we give in for others but we became more considerate. This is when you know this friend is so kind and considerate. I think this is similar to what Wooyoung said.

Q: Becoming a senior idol

JH: Over the years, we have accumulated lots of experienced and our fields were being broaden. I think we can be a good example with how we stayed together and continue to work as singers. "Bukae" is the trend these days (Note: Bukae means a second job)

Q: Do you any advice fro the juniors?

JH: Umm, let's do well? (Laugh). There's a big difference between good and bad examples. Always watch what you say. Always watch what you do. I hope we can promote happily with the juniors.

Q: There's this "daily energy". It's the energy that shape your daily life with small changes. What shapes Junho's daily life?

JH: Before the schedules start, I must get up. By doing so, it already shape my day.

Q: The process of being fully occupied and working hard is beautiful. Of course, the results are often great. "W" is also trying to maintain the brand's reputation by carefully selecting the undiluted Scotch Whiskey in Scotland. Junho, I wonder what effort you are making to keep o

JH: And I try not to sleep during my schedules unless I'm very tired. I want to do everything with a clear mind. When you wake up, you're dazing. There was a time when we had schedules at Seoul, Daejeon, Daegu and Busan in different broadcast programs. There was a time when I couldn't sleep on a bed for 2 weeks while we prepared for the end year ceremonies. I was sleeping in the moving car. It was all fun memory but at some point in time, we didn't know how it all went because it was so hectic. I really regret it because I don't want to forget as much as I can. That's why I became interested in photography and videography. I bought a camera and a camcorder to record.

Q: You've been busy since 17. I wonder if you have gone through adolescence.

JH: Of course, I did right? (Laughs). On the other hand, my parents worked in double jobs, so my realization of their importance came a little early. My dad worked as a sea navigator. I didn't see him for 6-12 months so I miss him even more. When I was in elementary school, I went to my mom's workplace and called out to her until she answered me and I cried "I miss you." Now that I think about it, I wonder how busy they were.

JH: I like things that are natural and light. I want to be a person who doesn't provoke or irritate, just like a piece of paper. Sometimes, it can be hard to keep it plain because I have my hot temper and fire but having this mindset keeps me neutralized. In <I Live Alone>, I used the moktak and this is one of my effort to do so. It's relaxing and makes me calmer.

Korean to English translation @JLML718 (Twitter)

#2pm #junho #p: photoshoot #e: interview #e: magazine #esquire #august 2021 issue #era: must

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ladyanput · 4 years

Note

Adrien salt- the whole class are having a seminar on sexual harrassment where Chat Noir is being used as an example of a predator. Being in the role of perfect sunshine child he can't speak up or complain so he has to listen to how horrible his behavior has been. After the seminar is over the whole class is criticizing Chat with Marinette bringing up the Syren incident. Everyone goes crazy and Adrien realizes how his behavior truly is.

Adrien smiled as he settled in his seat in the amphitheatre, giving a smile to Nino as his best friend took a seat beside him, Alya and Marinette soon joining the pair.

"I don't really see why this is a required seminar." Alya spoke up, giving a shrug as she settled in her seat beside Nino, not to subtly making Marinette sit on the other side of Adrien. "Sexual harrassment is a pretty easy thing to spot. I don't support that kind of thing, it's nasty."

"Yeah, it's not really nice that people do that to others." Marinette whispered, trying not to turn beet red when Adrien's arm brushed against hers.

"Oh, did you guys see my latest post last night? Isn't this picture of LadyNoir to die for?" Alya grinned as she showed them a picture she had taken of yesterday's akuma attack. It was of Chat holding Ladybug in a passionate embrace as he tried to kiss her after the akuma had been purified and the victim had been taken home. The trio missed Marinette's scowled as they cooed over the photo of 'true love'. Adrien couldn't contain his grin.

Soon everyone was in their seats and a beautiful woman stepped up to the podium, smiling out at the crowd.

"Good morning, students of DuPont, it is lovely that you all are attending this important seminar. Things such as sexual harrassment are often dismissed or ignored, so I'm so proud of all of you for wanting to learn how to help and protect these victims who have suffered or may suffer such harrassment."

Adrien smiled and settled back in his chair, planning on fully investing himself in this seminar. He listened as the woman continued on with her introduction, then her explanations.

"Sexual harrassment has a rainbow of different scenarios. Some can be extreme, some can seem incredibly mild and not worth looking into. It's the latter one that I moreso want to focus on today, as those are the ones that are often dismissed. To keep things simple; sexual harrassment is when someone keeps touching you, when you clearly do not want to be touched. For example, you have a friend or a classmate who is constantly touching you, grabbing you, getting into your personal space despite you clearly being uncomfortable, pushing them away, or asking them to stop."

Adrien's mind instantly shot to Chloé and Lila, but quickly stomped that thought down, feeling a twinge of guilt in his gut. Chloé was his oldest friend, of course she would be all touchy feely with him, she'd always done it, he should be fine with it. And Lila... Lila never listened, but she didn't mean any harm, right?

Adrien ignored that niggling in the back of his head as he kept listening to the seminar, about how victims often brushed off the minor cases of sexual harrassment, saying it was no big deal, that they didn't mean it in that way, ect. The niggling just got worst as Chloé and Lila filled his brain.

"I'm going to give you guys a popular example of someone who commits sexual harrassment almost every time we see them in the media." The woman picked up a tiny remote and pressed a button, going to the next slide of her presentation.

A picture of Chat Noir was dead center of the slide. Everyone sat in dumbfounded silence, but as people began to speak to, the woman held up a hand.

"Please, I know he is a hero of Paris, but please, his victim shouldn't be ignored, his actions shouldn't be shrugged off just because of him being a hero. He may not realize he's even doing this, but this needs to be addressed." The woman stated, and oddly enough everyone quieted down, though Alya looked like she was ready to spit fire.

"Chat Noir isn't an extreme example, he doesn't go fondling his victim, he doesn't make sexual innuendos or push for sex from her. But his actions towards Ladybug are far from acceptable." The woman pulled up videos, playing a few of them. First was the day of the statue unveiling by the artist Théo. A reporter had gotten the conversation between Théo and Chat Noir after the ceremony, where Chat Noir claimed that he and Ladybug were dating after he figured out Théo had a thing for Ladybug.

"What...?" Marinette whispered softly in horror, not noticing the confused look Adrien sent her way.

"As you can all remember, Chat Noir had gone around telling everyone that he and Ladybug are dating, but what was Ladybug's response?" The woman smiled thinly, and then played more videos. The students watched interviews, news footage, ect, or the many occasions that Chat Noir had claimed that he and Ladybug were dating, soulmates, hopelessly in love; followed up by Ladybug stating that they weren't. They were just partners, that she was a professional, she wouldn't treat being a superhero so lightly. Each one was more frustrated than the last, as it was obvious that this was a running trend. Some students laughed at the final one, the one of Ladybug practically shouting it, while looking close to tears. Adrien hunched in his seat, feeling the shame reddening his face. Surely it wasn't that bad, right...?

"Oh yes, funny isn't it? Funny that a person's feelings are getting ignored, because everyone thinks it's all one big joke. Ignore the fact that she is obviously frustrated, angry, that her words aren't being taken as truth. It's all funny, because that's how people brush off sexual harrassment, they think it's all one big joke." The woman stated, though there was obviously more ice to her tone. "Everyone treats the heroes as if they were some characters in some weird cartoon. Ignore the feelings of both parties and just ship them for the sake of it. I even have footage of Ladybug saying she's already in love with someone else, but Chat Noir completely disregarding the statement.

"But besides the point, it is also bleeding into the akuma attacks. Chat Noir is often seen flirting or trying to steal kisses from Ladybug during the attacks. It's sad, really, because when those types of things aren't happening, they're a perfect team." The woman clicked her tongue. Adrien burrowed deeper into his seat as many, many, many videos were played. One Alya took note of was when the video of Gigantitan was played, the akuma being held back by Ladybug as it marched right towards the Tom & Sabine Boulangerie Patisserie. Everyone watched as Chat Noir stepped up beside her, flirting and trying to steal a kiss instead of helping the heroine, while the akuma completely destroyed the upper level of the bakery.

"That's Marinette's room!" Alya cried out in horror, jumping to her feet. The entire room turned to look at the reporter, as she, in turn, looked towards her friend. "Marinette, were you in your bedroom when that happened?!"

Marinette sat there, looking like a deer in headlights, obviously struggling for words. Many took that as the affirmative.

"I'll kill that cat, he let you get hurt!" Alya rags, her face going red. Adrien felt that guilt twisting his gut again, bringing with it the nausea. He had gotten Marinette hurt..? He... He hadn't thought he had done anything wrong, he was just flirting, Ladybug knew that. They were soulmates, meant for each other. He loved her.

But then why did he feel so rotten and vile?

The woman quickly calmed everything down. She went over more material, but Adrien couldn't hear, because he heard a roaring in his ears as he felt lightheaded. Had he really been hurting Ladybug that much? Was he a villain, just like Hawkmoth?

"Now before you all go and try to crucify Chat Noir, I want you all to remember something. He may not even be aware he's doing this. I'll be honest, this is sort of the reason I am making this seminar mandatory in every school in Paris. If he is a student, as I believe he and Ladybug are, I want to show him. He night still just be a child, unaware of what he's doing. No one truly learns their mistakes unless those mistakes are pointed out and explained to them. Someone can either learn their mistakes and try and become better, or completely disregard the mistakes and criticisms and refuse to change."

The woman smiled, and gave a slight shake of her head.

"And I think Chat Noir would be willing to change. He is a good person, and I'm sure he'll be the best hero possible, if he's willing to learn his lesson."

And with that, she continued onto other examples, though none made quite an impact. Once the seminar was over, Adrien left it feeling as if he had been scraped raw. He knew that he had some apologizing to do.

That night, as he went out for patrol, he quickly caught sight of Ladybug making her way over Paris. He quickly joined her, meeting her on top of the Eiffel Tower.

Ladybug was silent, arms crossed as she stared out at Paris, her jaw set in a hard line.

"Chat-" She began, but was quickly cut off.

"I'm sorry." Chat's voice was raw, shaky. It sounded so broken that Ladybug turned to him, eyes wide

"What..?"

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I made you so uncomfortable, that I made you feel so helpless, so ridiculed." He couldn't stop the tears that welled up in his eyes as guilt washed over him. "I never meant to hurt you, Ladybug, I swear. I just.. I thought.."

He broke off and put his face on his hands, his shoulders trembling. For the longest time, Ladybug didn't speak, but then she embraced him tightly, gently stroking his back.

"I know, kitty, I know. I... I forgive you." She admitted, hugging him tighter. "I guess I should have sat down with you, has a more serious talk, or.."

Chat Noir shook his head and stepped back, wiping his tears away, and gave her a roguish smile, though it seemed forced.

"No, my l- Ladybug, you're always perfect to me. And I'll try my hardest to be perfect to you." He vowed, setting a hand over his heart.

Ladybug smiled, and she visibly relaxed, as if a big weight had been taken off of her shoulders.

"Silly kitty... Come on, let's get on with out patrol." She grinned at him and then took off. With a soft laugh, Chat Noir followed his partner into the night, awaiting a new dawn.

Taglist:

@virgil-is-a-cutie @sidessunnybumblebee @persephonebutkore @18-fandoms-unite-08 @suzen23smith @luciferge @theelventhgod @noirdots @space--butterflies @ghostglaceon @magicalfirebird @goggles-mcgee @chocolate1721 @minightrose @bookcrazybby @cupcakeandkisses @mewwitch @vixen-uchiha @ravennightingaleandavatempus @2sunchild2 @crazylittlemunchkin @bee-wrecker @souleateralicestein @loysydark @kceedraws @realrandomposts @alienjoyful

#adrien salt #miraculous salt #ml salt

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crybabysunflower · 4 years

Text

The song which reminds me of a Mystic Messenger character

Introduction

I have chosen this song based on how I have perceived this certain character from the otome game. I have chosen this song because the lyrics reminded me of him every time I listened to the song.

The character I have chosen for my blog is Kim Yoosung and the song which reminds me of him is Zombie by the South Korean punk pop band Day6 from their 2020 album, The Book of Us: The Demon

Before I write this blog I would give a trigger warning because it may have mentions of having suicidal thoughts so please read at your own risk.

The Lyrics

"What kind of day was yesterday

Was there anything special

I'm trying to remember

But nothing comes to my mind"

The lyrics above represents hopelessness and pessimism, the lyrics describes how the singer can't recall anything remotely positive happened to him on the previous day, he has been so used to the misery he has been dealing with. This reminds me of how Rika's "death" had severely affected Yoosung's life to the point that his life had come to a standstill, after that incident he had been waking up to face the same monotonous, miserable days which repeats over and over. He did not experience anything positive enough to affect him since the loss of his beloved cousin.

"Today goes by the same

Am I the only one struggling

How do I get through this

Would things get better

If I cry my heart out"

The first line of the lyrics again brings back our focus to the monotonous nature of the singer's life, just like the singer Yoosung too leads a monotonous, colourless life. Just like the lyrics mentioned above, Yoosung feels that he is the only one who is still not over grieving over his cousin since the other RFA members in his perception are seemingly doing well and are succesful in their careers while he is stuck in the past and wasting away his life. He is desperate to get over the never ending pain he had been feeling since the tragic incident due to which he finds comfort in playing video games which helps him to drown his sorrows but unfortunately it turns into a serious addiction and it actually does more harm to him than doing good. The last two lines also depicts the singer's strong desire to get over the heartache and thus he wonders if crying out loud would make his agony subside. This reminds me of how just like the singer Yoosung too had desired to cry out his pain several times, but he knows that it is futile since the rest of his friends are eventually going to invalidate his feelings in some way or the other.

"Yeah we live a life

Just running in circles day and night

Yeah we live a life

Though I try to change something

I cant seem to do anything

And I have got nothing left with me"

As the lyrics mentioned above Yoosung lives a life where he is just running in circles, he wakes up, goes to school (and can't pay attention to his lessons), comes back home, plays video games for the entire remaining day, and the cycle repeats. However he tries his best to change his situation, he joins various clubs in his school, the stitching club, the barista club and many more but, he quickly ends up losing interest in them and quitting them since they barely help him to cope up with his crippling depression. Just like the lyrics mentioned above, he found nothing to permanently get rid of his heartache. The last line reminds me of the void his cousin and role model Rika had left. After Rika's absence, there was no one for him to look up to, there was no one whom he would love to impress by performing well and finally there was no one to give him the type of emotional closure which he desperately craves for.

"I feel like I became a Zombie

With an empty heart and empty head

A scarecrow without a brain inside

Since when did I end up like this oh why"

Zombie is a person's corpse which continues to haunt the earth even after the actual demise of the person. Just like a zombie, Yoosung had been dead inside. He isn't living up to his fullest like he used to under Rika's guidance before, he is just surviving for the sake of it. A scarecrow is a term which is also used for describing a person in ragged clothes. Usually a person in ragged clothes is either not able to take care of themself and/or is not bothered about taking care of themself. In Yoosung's case, its both. He plays video games most of the time barely letting himself get a wink of sleep, he also does not give himself proper meals on time and happens to survive on convenient store foods and this is all because of his crippling depression which makes him hardly care about his own well being. Since he had been dealing with depression for quite a while and it has been a pretty long time since Rika's "demise" he can't recall for how long he had been persistently melancholic.

"I became a Zombie

I walk on drifting aimlessly

Tomorrow will be no different

I live counting the time

Till I close my eyes"

Initially Yoosung aimed to be a vet due to Rika's influence for which he worked hard to earn the top position in his class during his highschool years and he even joined one of the reknowned universities in the country with full scholarship, until the sudden disappearance of his cousin from his life. After her absence he had lost all of his sense of direction and aim in his life, he was no longer motivated to do well enough to accomplish his dreams. He had stopped expecting anything different would happen to him on the next day and is waiting for everything to end. The last lines reminds me of him in the Another Story routes. There it was very obvious that he had extremely dark thoughts where he wished to put and end to his sufferings (and thats why Zen kept him under his watchful eye to prevent the younger man from doing anything dangerous).

"Yeah we live a life

Eyes wide open in the dark

This meaningless life

Though I want to just let go

Though I want to just dream on

There is nothing I can do anymore"

The line "eyes wide open in the dark" can be used in the situation both literally and metaphorically at the same time. In the literal sense it reminds me of Yoosung's messed up sleep schedule where he barely sleeps at night. In the metaphorical sense it depicts that he can't see anything ahead of himself, except darkness, his eyes are wide open to see any possible beam of hope which he could not find at that moment. His future plans are luxury for him. When he sees the other RFA members, such as Jumin, Jaehee and Zen who are successful he desires to become as succesful as them. But whenever he dreams, he has this persistent thought that he will never be as successful as them, no matter whatever he does. That tragic incident had not only left him with crippling depression but also had shattered his self esteem.

"Get it all out, wanna cry

Let go of everything

Can I cry

Give me back my tears, they have run dry"

The lines above again depicts the desparate need to get over the crippling depression which is consuming the singer like a black hole. From the previous descriptions here, it is clear that in a similar fashion, Yoosung too is desparate to get over his sufferings. This reminds me of that one time when he told that he wants to cry so hard that he would blank out. He had already cried several times while grieving over Rika, yet he isn't satisfied.

Miscellaneous

I had also made a fanart on Yoosung based on this song because I was heavily inspired by the illustrated music videos I have seen of this song

Conclusion

I had been planning to make a lyric blog which would be related to a Mystic Messenger character. I am sorry that this took a very long time to come out. The only alibi I have to justify why I took so much of time is that, I was extremely nervous about it, I wanted to write a very good blog but I was not feeling confident enough about my project and hence I was extremely nervous about writing this blog. I an very glad for having instagram user @emilytheredone help me write this blog, she helped me to ease my nervousness over writing this blog. I am very thankful to her. Therefore, please let me know if this blog has turned out to be good.

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c-atm · 3 years

Text

'Ohhh man, how did it come to this?"

This was the thought of one Steven Quartz Universe. Currently, waiting on the roof of his school for one Connie Sachini Maheswaran.

"This is so nerve-wracking!" He thought out loud as he paced in a circle and folded in front of his chest. "Why did I come here? Why did I not just leave? Oh, right, I asked her to come here!... WHY DID I ASK HER TO COME HERE?!" He yelled, scratching his head wildly. Before breathing calmly and deeply. "Don't lose focus; remember what you came here to do." He said to himself as he clenched his fist to center himself. He came with a motive.

That motive was Connie Maheswaran, and unraveling the enigma that was Connie Maheswaran.

For some reason, beyond his knowledge, Connie was a delinquent of sorts. She didn't follow the dress code, always finding her way into a fight( which she hadn't lost one yet); she was a bit alarming to be around as well. The rumors of her snapping at a teacher were infamous, and many. She was also a bit of a bully...at least towards him. Nothing wrong or harmful, just...

"She's so damn stressful." He shouted to the blue sky.

There were other things as well that made him want to keep an eye on her. For one thing, her grades.

While he was the top student in his class, Connie was one of the top students...In the city. She was quite the athlete and had her hand in martial arts, fencing, and tennis.

Just this past weekend, he found out she was musically talented with the violin. He happened to spot her while walking around their city and caught her playing on the streets with some other performers collecting money, which she took none of.

Being a savant when it comes to music himself, he could tell when someone was in love with their craft, and the melody that she produced sent shivers down his spine. From quick and powerful hip-hop to slow sensual and slow R&B to wild and rebellious rap and rock, to things he never heard before. The impromptu concert was something extraordinary. And so far from the 'Connie' in school, it's hard to imagine them as the same person, but there was no way it was anyone else but her.

"Not with those prideful black eyes." Steven started scratching his head, "where is she!?"

"Hehehe-hmm-hmm!"

Steven froze; he knew that snicker. He turned to the roof entrance to see her laying on her left side on top of the roof entrance, smirking at him with her cheek in hand.

"How long have you been there?"

"Enough to see everything." She teased, " the pacing, the head-scratching, the proclamations, and everything in between." She chuckled, seeing his nervous face. The way his lips formed a straight line, the slightly puffed cheeks, and those brown eyes that seemed to shrink just a bit, and the slight cold sweat from his head.

'So cute, always so fun to play with.' She mused, "I was beginning to think you wouldn't show, had me waiting for quite a bit, you know."

He blushed in embarrassment as he looked at his watch read 3:00, "sorry, had student council work. Still, 15 minutes late isn't that bad."

"I've been here since 1 p.m. Two hours spent waiting for you."

"I apologize for the Waitaminuet." Steven pointed at her accordingly, "You skipped afternoon classes...Again!"

"One was self-study... The other two." She paused, trying to think of a good excuse, her face cutely scrunching up. "Yeah, I skipped them." She admitted with a shrug.

Steven groaned, ready to comment, but stopped his thought as he looked closely at her, more so her legs.

So much of it was being shown from her hiked upskirt, and it didn't help hide her curves either. The loose-fitting, two-thirds button blouse and tie combo weren't better. "Come down here, so I can fix your uniform...Again!" The president barked at the smirking delinquent.

"You sure you want me to do that? You might get a glimpse of my delicates", Connie gave a faux gasp before reaching for the hem of her skirt, "of course, if that's what this is all about-." She peeled the cloth back, letting a bit of thigh show, "Guess I can show you."

"Oh, re- I mean...No, no! " Steven screamed, turning around blushing, "come down. I won't watch."

She grinned as she tipped herself over the edge, landing silently on her feet in a crouch. Seeing that he still didn't realize she was on the ground, she slowly sneaked to him, not too close. Close enough to bend over by her waist, her lips pursed by his ear.

"Fwoooooooh!"

"Ahh!" Steven screamed as he leaped from Connie's whistle. He turned with an annoyed glare at the taller girl, a corner pout on his lips as she continued to grin mischievously.

"Hello, Pres." She chirped as if she didn't scare him out of his skin.

"Connie," Steven said with a growl. Usually, it would be 'Miss Maheswaran,' but today, purpose takes precedence over professionalism.

"Wow, 'Connie' off the back and so casual too. This must be more serious than I thought." She tittered a bit mockingly, her fingers upon her lip.

"It is for me." Steven sighed as he looked at her clothes.

The sunflower pleated skirt hiked up to just below her navel, making it look 'dangerously' short; the short sleeve white blouse unbuttoned just enough to show a bit of her sports bra for the day(pink with a star), the pink bow tie which hung more like a chain and cascaded over her breast, and the blue blazer which was two sizes too big and she wore almost like a cape. The only regulation was the navy thigh highs with red and blue sneakers and her hairstyle, a loose mid-back flow of black with a sword clip in the perfect center.

"Drink it all in, Pres." She raised her arms behind her head and slightly arched her back, giving him a flirty pose, her teasing grin ever-present. " I know you like to watch."

"DO-DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT CAN BE TAKEN?!" He screeched and face cherry red.

"Given the current circumstances," she placed a few fingertips on her chin, looking upward before pointing at him, "you're attentive of your fellow schoolmates." She offered him a thumbs up and a wink. "Good job, Pres! Way to stay charmingly diligent." She laughed boisterously.

He scoffed a laugh, "I appreciate the praise, but is it true, I wonder." He sighed as he began what was almost ritual for the two of them. "Here I got a fellow schoolmate who's a little wayward and wild." He started by buttoning up her shirt," She gets into fights, she skips classes, she dresses messy and revealing," He buttoned her collar button before moving to the tie. "And she seems to love surging my blood pressure."

"Well, you do make a cute cherry, Pres." Connie countered with a grin.

"She also never takes anything seriously." He breathed in slight annoyance, "or at least, that's what it seems."

"Hmm, Is that so?"

"Yes, you see. I have seen evidence of the contrary." He undid her tie altogether before throwing the cloth over her shoulders. "Attire excluded." He let out a little smirk at his joke." I just want to know why there's such a disconnect between her school persona and the one I've seen." He implored as he tied the diamond-point bow around her neck neatly.

Connie didn't respond as he adjusted her skirt to just above her knees, as school allowed.

"Maybe, there isn't."

Steven looked up at het to see her looking down at him with a neutral countenance.

"Wha-"

"There isn't a disconnect." She sighed as she took a step back and then passed him towards the railing. "Do you think I come from a broken home? I don't." She hiked back up her skirt, "my Am'mā is a doctor, my Tantai is a private security guard. Both heads of their fields and currently working in Delmarva, leaving me in our nice modest brownstone." She playfully sniffs.

"You must miss them," Steven whispered.

"Somewhat? Not the first time." She shrugged, "plus, kind of hard to miss them. They make sure to have video chats with use every morning and evening." She chuckles, "Dad, even try to synchronize our meals, so we eat the same thing." She shook her head, smiling.

"Sounds nice."

"Not a dream, but I'm loved and allowed independence." She stretched out the tie letting it hang at her breast as she leaned at the rail. "What about you, Pres? What made you such a hardass for rules and regulations."

"I'm not a hardass." Steven rubbed his nape, looking away as she undid her buttons as they were before. "Do I come off like one?"

She side nodded, waving her hand, "Just a bit."

"Argh." He shook his head, "wait, this isn't about me-"

"Hold on now." Connie raised her hand, "you can't just ask a question and not expect to be interrogated yourself."

"I'm not interrogating you." Steven countered, "I just... "

"What?" She offered.

"Wanna know why!?" He barked, "Why you act so differently in school and outside of it. Why someone with your intelligence, athleticism, talent, and allure…" He sighed, "act so lackadaisical, rebellious, and aloof."

"Why do you care so much?" She inquired, looking upward, "

"Just...I don't know." He admitted, "it's your so questioning?"

"A lot of people act differently from business than they are in their personal life." Connie looked at him with an arched eyebrow before sighing. "Do you act the same at home as you do here?"

"Well.."

"Outside of watching me with those chocolate browns of yours, that is."

Steven eyes widen at the teasing, flirty tone of her voice. He felt a shiver down his spine when her face adopted the style.

Those long black eyebrows were dipping down over half-lidded raven eyes that twinkled in the afternoon light with soft, slightly parted, puckered lips and the slightest cherrywood blush on her brown cheeks. "You thought I wouldn't know when my favorite browns were watching me play violin on Saturday."

"I-"

She teased as she walked up to Steven, making him red in the face as he turned away.

*Chu*

Steven turned his eyes towards her as he backed up just a little, his hand on his right cheek, trying to fight the small smirk.

"Usually, you would act much more abrasive when I kiss your cheek, Pres." she grinned, "could you actually be resilient to my charms...or maybe you're crushing on me?" She laughed in slight play.

"Why did...No," Steven clenched his fist as a scrowl came to his lips." do you always do that? Make it so hard to have a conversation with you, Connie?"

"A conversation? On what?" She folded her arms over her stomach, "on how my clothes are wrong? On how I should be more courteous to substitute teachers and not skip those classes, despite them being nothing more than extra study-halls. How I should be more forthcoming." She glared, "you don't wanna conversation, you wanna lecture." Her glare softened, "you wanna guide and help someone you think need it, and as honorable and even attractive as I find it...I don't need it. I'm not begging for attention or a lost lamb or your new pet project or whatever. " She sighed, looking away, "I'm just who I am, and that's all I can be."

Steven rubbed the back of his head, "I know." He kissed his teeth, "I wasn't...I didn't call you up here to lecture you."

"Hmmph!"

"I swear, I didn't." He at her eyes, realizing the small moisture in them. "I really just wanted to talk."

"Yeah," She blinked a few times. "Another round of complaints, again."

"No!" Steven shouted making her jump and turn to him. He rubbed his cheek, "Sorry?"

"You're nervous."She noted with a small smile, "You scratch your left cheek when you're nervous."

"Um.." He put his hand down, only to instinctively continue scratching.

"You're reactions are so cute, Pres." She chuckled behind a fist.

"Come on; this is what I'm talking about." He muttered, "can't even tell you that I want to get to know you without being teased." He blabbed involuntarily.

Connie felt her voice lock in her throat as her cheeks burned under her skin. "What?"

"I want to get to know you." Steven implored nonchalantly before the implications hit him. "I mean…Um.."

The two looked at each other with not so different eyes. Both were feeling a bashful warmness in their chest, one that rendered them too afraid to speak but urged to be anything but silent.

"I'm interested...in you, " Steven admitted to Connie and himself. "In knowing you...I mean... Outside of school." He finished, scratching his cheek.

"Just outside school?" She sighed, ignoring the warmth in her chest, as she pressed her palm to her cheek. Trying to get a rise out of him.

*Chu*

"Steven?" Connie's voice broke as she felt his lips on her other cheek. "That..you…"

"An answer to your question!" He implored, quickly, "I'm interested in you… all of you." He announced, "That's ok, right?"

Connie wanted to tease him on his change of words, but with his hand out toward her, basically asking her to grasp it. She came to realize it wasn't a fumble of words at all.

"Mmmhmm." She muttered, taking his hand.

The two giggled at the feel of their warm palms. "Um...Can I walk you home, talk to you on the way?"

The (seemingly) genius delinquent nodded at the hardworking president. "Already trying to learn about me, Pres. .Steven."

"Well," he gave her a flirty grin as he leads her to the stairs, "you did say my diligence was charming."

"Yeah." She involuntarily squeezes his hand, "it is." She breathed out, closing the door behind them, ending one chapter of a rivalry and opening a book of friendship, love, and more.

#steven universe #connie maheswaran #connverse #steven universe future #steven universe fanfiction #steven and connie #older steven #older connie #connverse fanfic #facememe

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somemellifluouswords · 5 years

Note

hey!!! I just watched the ignoring my girlfriend for 24h video by Jordan Beau and I couldn't help but imagine Ethan pranking y/n but she doesn't know it's a prank so she keep trying to make him talk to her, failing miserably, and when she can't take it anymore she starts crying and in the minute the first tear falls down her cheek Ethan stops and immediately tries to comfort her and keeps telling her how much he loves her, could you write something like that????

So I don’t really mention the boys making videos in my writing, only because I like how my writing differs in that sense. In no way is it refusing to agree with what they do, but I choose to keep it on the outside. I’ll still follow your idea, and I hope you enjoy it! I also played around with the point of view, so this may seem a little odd. I had a lot of fun writing this though!

-🌻

…

“I’m sorry babe” your voice is timid, laced with regret. You raise yourself on the tips of your toes, resting your chin on his shoulder. He doesn't move, continuing to focus on whatever it is outside in your backyard that has caught his attention. Early this morning you had gotten into a small argument over something silly and miniscule that you couldn’t even remember. When he’d interrupted you mid way through your small banter, telling you “Babe this is senseless” that’s when your silent treatment began. It was childish of course, but at that moment it seemed right.

And when he’d called you around the house, apologizing when he didn't need to in your realization, you’d been still, pretending like you didn't hear.

“Ethan please …” you dragged out the word please, nuzzling your nose into his neck. You can feel the sudden movement of a thick gulp he takes. Before you can wrap your arms around his waist, he ducks, leaving you to stumble gently into the railing, walking away. You huff, following him through the French doors, trailing behind him like a lost child. On the inside, he’s enjoying this, likes the way you feel how he felt. And he knows you would go to any lengths to get him to talk.

You try to keep up with his long strands. Into your shared bathroom he goes. For a millisecond your eyes meet, and before you can utter a word he’s pushing the door shut. You retort, pushing with all your might against it, welcoming yourself past him. “Do whatever you have to do, I’ll just sit here … quietly” He watches as you jump onto the vanity next to the sink. Resting your head back against the large mirror. He notices the way your eyebrows furrow when the cold granite sets into freeze your naked limbs, the little sundress you’ve got on not providing enough shield.

He sighs in defeat, proceeding next to her, gathering all the supplies he needs to shave. She watches intently, he can feel her gaze on him, and a sudden sound erupts from her throat, a sound so faint that he would almost miss it. “Please don't shave” he holds back a smile, smearing some shaving cream onto his scruff. He knows how much she loves him this way, so of course he’s going to take advantage of the silent treatment and her stubbornness. “E!” she reaches over, pulling back his arm like a child before the razor can reach his chin.

Again holding back a smile, he pulls himself away from her grip. She winces mentally at the first sight of clean shaven skin. “I told you I was sorry babe. I mean it, you know I do” she slides closer to the sink. He pretty eyes stare at him intently, burning into his skin.

You watch him shave, its oddly comforting even though none of you speaks. You think of ways to make him talk, even if its one word out of him. He watches from the corners of his eye when you finally look away, knowing the look of concentration on your face can mean either good or bad. You push yourself off the counter, your dressing riding up a little to high. He watches your cheeks go crimson, catching his eyes already on you. That wasn't supposed to happen, but he was looking. Only if he had said something to tease you like he always did, when something innocently would occur without any of your control.

He watches as she leaves the bathroom, chuckling to himself when he knows she’s left the room. This is going to be fun. At least for him.

He hasn't come out for at least an hour, and you know he’s in the office working on something. Tame Impala bounces off the walls of the house, and every so often you hear him answering phone calls, speaking in terms you will never understand. The timer beeps, and you pull out of the oven a batch of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. The smell fills your senses, as you glance to the kitchen entrance, curious to see if he’ll come. After plating and cleaning up the kitchen, you decide to wait for him, settling yourself on the couch with your favorite novel, a warm treat in your hands. You position yourself so that you have a clear view of the kitchen, and wait for your one and only victim.

Ethan places the phone down. It occurs to him you haven't come in, trying to get him to speak. And suddenly, the smell of cookies flames his senses. He walks down to the kitchen, passing by you, your favorite book in hand, legs under you. The sunlight from the French doors is hitting off your shoulder, casting a glow onto your hair. Any others day he’d lean down a press a kiss to your cheek. But today, that won’t happen, at least not yet.

You lift your eyes from your book, watching as your boyfriend enters the kitchen. He’s observing the cookies, possibly deciding which one seems the most delicious. You refrain from moving, holding back a smile, and you think it’ll work. Finally he lifts one up, inspecting it in his hands. When he brings it towards his lips, you jump up. “Those have dairy in them!”

Any other day he would have exclaimed “What?!” The treat falls from his hands onto the island counter, and he turns to face you sitting innocently on the couch, holding back a smile. He doesn't speak. He knows you wouldn't put dairy in them, he knows its all a plan to get him to break, he knows exactly what you're trying here. Well he is now. He’s impressed.

He watches as her face drops, when he bites into it, keeping his gaze on her. She shakes her head in disbelief, and he turns smiling to himself, making his way to the sink to wash his hands. “Don’t come after me when you find there was actually dairy in them” you tell him as he walks past you, munching on yet another cookie.

Hours later you find him in the kitchen, prepping for dinner. You decide to watch him, perched atop a bar stool. He glances in your direction, as you sit they’re with you head resting above your hands, you elbows perched on the counter. You sway gently. It has been hard not giving into you, but he’s managed to come this far, so why not take it a little further. He isn't even mad about the morning, he isn't even phased the slightest. He just really enjoys watching her stubbornness and desperation for his voice. “That’s too much salt” she playfully scolds, waiting for his reaction. When he doesn't say anything she proceeds.

You're losing yet more patience with him. “I think that's a little too much pepper.” He looks up at you with a look of bewilderment. He turns around to use the sink. You chew on the inside of your lip, running out of ideas. “You’re pasta is overflowing” you say with such ease. He turns without hesitation, completely normal. The pasta wasn't overflowing, it was you.

You watch him prepare dinner without a word, every so often trying to get his attention in different ways. Your fingers tap against the counter in an obnoxious pattern. He doesn't react. You spin around in the bar stool. He doesn't react. Even when you almost trip getting off the bar stool he doesn't react. Just as he begins plating you leave, walking out of the kitchen, but he wraps his hand around her wrist, pulling you close. Will this be it?

He wraps his arms around your waist, hoisting you a few centimeters off the ground. “Ethan what are you doing?” he sits you at the dining table, tucking in your chair, He leans next to you within a few seconds, setting a plate before you. “You could have just said dinner is ready” you inform him, swirling pasta on your fork. And the rest of dinner is quiet, with the occasional words out of your mouth.

After dinner you retreat to the balcony. He’s outside playing around with a soccer ball aimlessly shooting at the fence. You adore the way the moonlights casts down on him. His dark hair seems even darker, his legs thick under the jeans he’s got on, and the shirt he’s wearing is white, the moonlight illuminates his tan skin. He misses the fence and the ball stumbles into the garden. “You missed!” you state the obvious, looking a look from that tells you “I know.” The whole day has gone by, and he hasn't said a word. When you turn to head back inside he watches you pull your hair to one side, the little dress swaying back and forth around your thighs with each step. He finds pleasure in today, a little too much, and every so often he thinks he’s being cruel. You turn your head to steal a glance, but his reflexes are quicker, and you just miss his gaze.

When he comes back inside she’s no where to be found. Ethan settles himself on the couch, flipping through cassettes as to what to play to bring a little life to the night. He settles upon a record by Tame Impala yet again. He rests his head back on the couch, breathing in and out, losing his mind to the music. He doesn't hear you come into the room, and something wakes in your mind.

This should get him talking.

Your cheeks already burn crimson and you’re nervous. You bite down on your bottom lip, trying not to make a sound. You slide your leg over him, and from the sense of someone in the room, he opens his eyes just as you settle onto his lap. Your cheeks burn and your insides tingle, as he lets you wrap your arms around his neck. He smirks when she can’t hold his gaze any longer.

What are you doing? He wants to ask her. It’s as if she can read his mind. She looks up again, relaxing a little when his arms wrap around her waist. She takes a deep breath, her eyes traveling from his lips and back to his eyes, in a pattern. He waits, jaw clenched to hold back his voice and some sort of reaction.

You lean into him, your small hands cupping his right cheek. You raise his head, pressing your lips to his neck. He shifts beneath you, the fabric of his jeans rough against the delicate skin of your inner thighs.

Say something. You think to yourself, waiting for him to break. You slowly make your way up, lingering your lips at his jaw. Your lashes flutter against his skin and waits for you to speak. He admires what your doing, but he won’t break. He can’t break. When you lips press against his he can't help but move his hands beneath your dress, rubbing the soft skin of your thighs he loves, slowly. He’s kissing you back, which must be a good sign.

Your clumsy fingers struggle with the hem of his shirt, and before you can even raise it an inch, he pins you against the couch. You wait for the impact of the couch arm against the back of your head, but he shields it, protecting you by placing his hand where it will land. He pulls away, examining your kissed lips and rosy cheeks. Your hair sits perfectly behind your ears and he wants to run his finger through it.

She seems breathless, her hands holding onto his shoulder for dear life. Nice try he thinks, before lifting himself up. She lays there, a shocked expression on her face. He can't hold back his chuckle when she exclaims “Ethan!” He leaves the room, playfully throwing a blanket over her head.

An hour later she comes into their shared bedroom. He’s sitting on their bed reading through some papers. He can't help but notice her slow gait, how tired she looks and when they’re eyes lock he senses some resentment. She sits down next to him, her legs brushing against his. She sighs, tucking her hair behind her ears. He’s silently watching her, waiting for her next move. “Please talk to me” its like a plea this time, not like the other times she’s asked for his voice. She doesn't give him time to respond, before laying her head on his shoulder, holding onto his arm. “No” she mumbles, her voice cracking, even though he hasn't tried to wiggle his way out of her grasp.

“I’m sorry E” another voice crack gives it away and when a tear slides down her cheek and lands in his open palm he breaks.

“Oh no no no” He pulls her into his chest, and she pushes against him trying to his face, He talked! But at her cries? He wipes at her eyes, his heart breaking into a million pieces. “I was only joking babe” he coos, cradling her face in his hands. She blinks, clutching onto his shirt, as if she’s afraid he’ll change his mind. “What?” she breaths out, eyebrows furrowed.

“Yes! Oh my god I’m sorry so sorry please don't cry babe, please … “ its as if he’s consoling a child. She’s relieved he’s speaking to her. That’s all that matters. And with a smile on her face, she wraps her arms around his torso, nuzzling into his chest. He hugs her tightly, kissing her head endlessly.

“You jerk” she mumbles sweetly into his chest. “I know” he chuckles, pulling her down onto the mattress, still in his arms. “I know hun I know”

#dolan twins #dolan twins imagine #imagine #ethan dolan #ethan dolan imagine #dolan twins imagines #imagines #blurbs #requests #asks

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heeydolan · 6 years

Text

Marry Me {G.D.}

Summary: An invitation to Grayson’s wedding wouldn’t be triggering so many feelings for Y/N if he were marrying her. Still, she attends the event but quickly realizes how hard it will be to hold back emotions once the day arrives.

A/N: I’ve seen a ton of writings based off of the song Marry Me by Thomas Rhett but I decided to put a twist on it! So that is what this imagine is inspired by! ; )

Warnings: N/A

WC: 2.9k

masterlist

Y/C = Your City

August 3, 2020

It has only been about 3 years since Grayson and I decided to go our separate ways.

Our romantic relationship had ended but we mutually agreed to continue to be friends.

I knew in my heart I would always love him but I never knew missing him would never stop.

We met in January of 2016. Soon after his wisdom teeth video came out, I told him how I felt about him and made sure he knew he was more than good enough. We broke up in early December of 2017. Our schedules were getting too hard to sync with each other. Him traveling between New York for TRL and LA for YouTube put a toll on us. My schooling, work, and family & friends all being in Y/C made it hard for me to pick up and visit him.

Even after the breakup, we continued talking almost everyday through texting, snapchat, or quick FaceTime calls. It was so obvious we were still so in love with each other.

That is until almost a year later when he began dating Sara Bradley. The FaceTimes stopped, the random 'how was your day' texts were not received anymore, and the snapchats were slim to none. I understood, though.

I had found a boyfriend and we dated for about a year. I eventually broke up with him before we got any deeper into our relationship. I had unconsciously been comparing him to Grayson with everything he did so I ended it when I accepted the fact I was still hung up on Grayson. It wasn't fair of me to drag him along and basically treat him as a rebound.

I open one of the white envelopes I had just taken out of my mailbox and my heart drops as I read the invitation inside.

Please Join Us For The

Wedding of

Sara Bradley & Grayson Dolan

as we celebrate their joining as one.

September 12, 2020 @ 3 o'clock pm

417 County Rd 513, Califon, NJ

I sit the invitation down on the island in my kitchen. I let a tear slip from my eye as I continue to stare at it and think about how I always hoped we would find our way back to each other.

He is my person.

Now there's no way for me to get him back.

- - -

September 12, 2020

I take one last glance at myself in the full body mirror before turning in my heels and walking out of the hotel room.

When I reach my rental car sitting in the parking deck, I slide in. I feel my heart break a little more as I spot the wedding gift I brought for the soon-to-be newly weds sitting in the passenger seat. I wrapped it in a t-shirt I had kept of Grayson's. I figure now is a good time to return it since it wouldn't be appropriate for me to continue holding on to it.

-Flashback-

"Is that my shirt?" Grayson asks me through our FaceTime call. I had been wearing it this whole hour we've been on the phone and he just now noticed.

I giggle and shrug my shoulders, "Yeah, it is."

"Looks good on you," he looks down awkwardly, "guess I have to steal it back next time I see you." We have been broken up for about six months now and I have no plans on returning this shirt.

"I'm going to conveniently forget to ever give it back to you."

-End of Flashback-

I slowly walk up to the gift table and set mine down. I take a quick glance at the picture of Grayson and Sara that is on display. I quickly turn around to walk towards one of the waiters carrying a tray of full wine glasses.

"Wine ma'am?" He grabs a glass and pushes it in my direction while he mumbles a description of it.

"Thank you." I take it and sip at it as he walks away.

"Y/N!" I hear a familiar voice call. I look to the direction the voice came from and immediately see Ethan walking towards me.

"Hey E!" I grow the first real smile since the day I got the wedding invitation. He pulls me into a hug and I notice how much his scent smells like Grayson used to.

"Are you here with anyone?" He looks around me, trying to find someone who came with me, but fails.

"No, I flew out alone." I take another sip of my wine and notice the glass is quickly beginning to empty.

"So are you still living in Y/C?" He questions.

"Yes, I am." I chuckle out.

Ethan's phone begins to ring, "It's Gray, I better go tend to the little drama queen. I'll find you during the reception though!" He quickly says as he is walking away.

"Sounds good, but you're still the drama queen Ethan!"

"No way! I've never been a drama queen!" I watch as Ethan disappears into a room nearby then I focus my attention on the rest of the people here.

Half of them I recognize as family and friends of Grayson that I had met when we were together. The other half I assume are guests of Sara.

A couple people come up to me and greet me, letting me know it's nice to see me after so long.

"Y/N is that you? Wow I haven't seen you in 3 years!" I hear a voice behind me.

"Lisa! Hi, yeah! It's been a while." I pull her into a hug then turn to Sean who is standing by her side.

"How are you?" He asks as I hug him.

"I'm surprisingly good." I lie, "are you guys doing ok? Today's a big day for y'all too!"

"Oh, well," Sean begins, "we, uh–" Lisa cuts him off.

"–we're happy Grayson's happy." she says with a little uncertainty in her voice. "But hey, it was really good to see you, sweetie. We're going to take our seats now. It's about to start."

We say our goodbyes and I watch as they walk towards the double doors that lead to where the ceremony is being held.

"That's who he should be marrying." I hear Sean whisper to his wife. I see her nod her head as if she's agreeing. I lightly smile to myself then I decide to walk in, too.

I take a seat in the back row. Time seems to be going by so slow as I wait for the wedding to begin.

I start to think I should go find Grayson and just tell him how I feel. Lay it all out with no regrets. As much as I want to, I just know I can't put him in that position. I can't be the reason this day is messed up. If he had second thoughts because of me, I'm sure he wouldn't have went through with this.

Finally, the wedding is beginning. Grayson is standing at the alter waiting for his bride to walk through the doors and straight to him.

Once the music starts, the double doors open. A train of bridesmaids and groomsmen walk down the aisle. This includes Cameron as a bridesmaid and Ethan as the best man.

I begin to wonder if Grayson even knows I'm here. I try not to look up at him too much due to the fact I don't want to know if he's looking at me or not.

Sara begins walking down the aisle with her dad. She looks gorgeous and that makes my heart break into even smaller pieces than they were before.

I quickly turn my focus on Grayson. His eyes are glued on his bride as she slowly walks towards him. He has a slight grin on his face but besides that he is completely frozen in place. I assume this is due to the fact he knows mostly everyone is staring at either him or the girl he's about to marry.

The officiant begins the wedding. I tune out everything and get lost in my thoughts. I feel a tear sneak out of my eye and I quickly wipe it away. I try to focus back on the event occurring in front of me but realize I'm too lost in my thoughts about Grayson that it's practically impossible.

The tears begin to silently pour out of my eyes and with that I know I have to get out of here. I walk towards the closest exit and quickly open it to escape.

I don't even worry about the door and if it slams shut or not– which it does– I just run. I run to my rental car and I get in as quickly as I can.

I make my way towards the only place I know how to get to in New Jersey without a GPS.

Grayson's P.O.V.

I call Ethan as I stand in the dressing room alone. He doesn't answer but seconds after I end the call, he's walking into the room with me.

"What's up bro?" Ethan questions me as he shuts the door. The voices of guests from the other side of the wall quickly dim down.

"I can't get this stupid tie." I reply with anger. I fiddle with it for a few more seconds until Ethan makes his way over to help.

"Chill, I got it." He quickly fixes it with no problem and I take a seat, putting my face in my hands. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not but," he pauses and I look up, "she's here bro, alone."

My heart completely drops with those words. I knew exactly who he was referring to as 'she'.

My love for Y/N never really went away. I started dating Sara to kind of get over Y/N. Don't get me wrong, I do love the girl, it's just different when it comes to Y/N. Once Y/N got a boyfriend, it was obvious she was over me. Things with Sara went on, day by day, and eventually I asked her to marry me.

Ethan saw straight through it, though. That's why he told me Y/N was here. That's why he told me she was here alone.

"Ethan," I begin, "I love her so much and I miss her more than anything in this world. I can't–" I'm cut off by the door opening. Luckily, it's just my sister.

"Hey, Gray," Cameron peeks in, "this is from Sara." She extends her arm out and hands Ethan a box. I stand up and start pulling at my hair, pacing the room.

"I didn't get her anything, shit."

"She said you would say that," Cameron simply says, "she said not to worry about it." And with that she shuts the door and is gone.

Ethan hands me the box and I open it. I pull out the brand new rolex watch. It has a tag on it that reads "See you at 3:00. Xo, Sara."

I pull out the piece of notebook paper that is also in the box.

It reads:

Graybear,

Today is the day you finally make me your wife and I make you my husband. You are the man of my dreams and I couldn't have picked a better partner for the rest of my life. I'll keep this short so you can finish getting ready, but I love you. Thank you for being perfect.

Xoxo,

Sara (almost) Dolan

I sit the paper down on the table and put the watch back in the box.

"You good?" Ethan asks.

"I–I–"

"–Grayson, we're ready for you." The officiant cuts me off by opening the door.

I gather myself and walk to my spot on the stage. Tons of people are here, fulfilling Sara's dream of having a huge wedding. The seats are completely full, familiar faces and some not so much. But there is one face I see that begins to change my mind about everything.

Y/N.

I don't stare at her due to the fact there are a lot of eyes on me but I do keep thinking about her.

Like Ethan said, she is here alone. I could just run up to her now and kiss her and profess my love for the girl. But what if she does have a boyfriend? And what if she's over me?

My thoughts are interrupted by the music beginning to play. I watch as everyone walks down the aisle, my eyes darting back and forth between them and Y/N.

God she's beautiful.

Once Sara is in view, I keep my eyes on her. I force a smile on my face but for the life of me, I can't move and I can't smile any bigger than this creepy smirk.

That's when I start to wonder. Why am I going through with this? Why am I standing here waiting for someone who doesn't even compare to the girl I want to be with?

But still, I do nothing to stop this. It's like my body won't let me.

Sara and her father, now standing in front of me, hug as he gives her away to me. She steps up on the stage and takes both of my hands.

With everything in me, I keep eye contact with her. It seems to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life but I assume it's because Y/N is sitting on the other side of the room.

When I was with her, I could never stop staring at her. I took every chance I could to soak up her beauty.

I hear a door slam and I unconsciously look to the exact spot Y/N is.

She's gone.

I force my attention back on Sara and listen to the preacher.

"Now, do you, Grayson Bailey Dolan, take Sara Grace Bradley to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in–"

"I can't." I hear myself say.

"What was that?" The officiant questions my words.

"Graybear?" Sara squeaks out, obviously on the verge of tears.

"I can't marry you." I pull my hands away from her, "I'm sorry." And with that I begin running to the place I knew Y/N would be.

Y/N P.O.V.

I take a seat in a booth towards the back of the small diner, my back facing the door.

"I haven't seen you here in a while." The familiar waitress walks up to me. "I heard that Dolan boy you were always with is getting married today. I always thought it would be to you." I give her a small smirk but look back down at the menu.

"I'll just take a coffee, please."

"Coming right up sweat heart." She walks away but quickly returns with my cup of coffee.

I sit here and just think.

On a scale from 1-10, how stupid am I for showing up here? What made me think I could sit through Grayson's wedding and think it wouldn't rip my heart out?

"It's you." I hear a voice behind me, "It's always been you, Y/N." I slowly turn around, not knowing if the out of breath man is who I think it is or if I’m just completely losing it.

As soon as our eyes met, I jumped out of the booth and wrapped him in a hug.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be getting married right now?" I question, tears falling from my eyes for the billionth time today. He pulls away from my embrace and begins to wipe the tears from my cheeks.

Holding my face in his hands, he speaks, "No, I shouldn't be getting married right now. Not to her. Not to anyone unless it's you, Y/N. I love you. I've loved you since the day I met you in the airport and I loved you more when you told me I would always be good enough for you. My love grew for you the day I officially asked you to be my girlfriend when we were watching that stupid movie in the basement at the old house." We both chuckle, tears still falling down my face, "The day we broke up, believe it or not, my love grew for you then. I knew it wasn't what I wanted but we were stuck in an unhealthy cycle we just had to get out of. Seeing you in a relationship made me love you more but at that point I knew I would never have you again. I thought you moved on, found someone better. Someone who had time to give you. Trying to love Sara made me love you more. She never has and never will be able to compare to you or the love I have for you. You, Y/N, are the one for me. The one I want– no, need– to be with."

"Grayson–" He cuts me off by pulling my lips to his. I wrap my arms around his neck and he wraps his around my back, picking me up off the ground.

We hear cheers from the waitresses and the other few customers in the small diner. I smile into the kiss and pull away, looking into his gorgeous eyes.

I have missed this, him, us more than anything in the world.

"I love you, too, Gray." I whisper against his lips.

“That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.”

#grayson #dolan #grayson dolan #grayson dolan imagine #grayson dolan fanfic #dolan twins #imagine #dolan twins imagine #fanfic #dolan twins fanfic #ethan #ethan dolan #ethan dolan imagine #ethan dolan fanfic

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drferox · 6 years

Note

I just watched this video about a US veterinarian complaining about the rules of how rabies vaccines are administered. Essentially, the complaint was about how a 2.2kg dog receives the same dose as a 45kg dog, and that some dogs - I would assume it's the smaller dogs - are dying and seeing adverse effects because the dose is higher than they should be receiving. I'd never heard of this controversy and wondered if you had and your take on it. The video was of Dr. Jon Robb; I can't find the link.

Vaccinations are one of the most hotly debated topic in veterinarian medicine, not just by ‘natural’ websites but also by highly qualified veterinarians and immunologists which have dedicated their professional scientific careers to the topic and so actually know what they’re talking about.

So to have this discussion, I’m going to have to go over some of the basics of vaccines so we’re all on the same page. I also request that if you have something to contribute to the topic, you add it in a reply or reblog rather than submitting a separate ask, so the conversation can stay in one place. Otherwise readers get lost.

I actually attended an immunology conference in 2010, and most of its discussions was around vaccines. Over the week we attending veterinarians spent 38 hours discussing vaccines, schedules, reactions, complications and associated illnesses in depth, specialists and generalists alike. Then the last two hours were an open forum for questions which was attended by a member of the general public, who actually stood up and basically asked “What are vets doing about adverse vaccine reactions and why aren’t they doing more?”

It was very tempting to just point to the prior 38 hours that week we’d spent answering that question.

My point is that vaccines and immunology is not a quick or easy topic if you want to understand it and not just jump on a sensationalist bandwagon.

Why do all members of a species receive the same dose vaccine instead of a mg/kg dose like other drugs?

Most drugs are administered in a mg/kg manner, that is to say larger animals get a larger dose and smaller animals get a smaller dose.

This in itself isn’t even strictly true. To be most accurate, drugs should generally be calculates by a mg per surface area, but calculating surface area is a pain in the backside and so we generally only do it for drugs with an exceptionally narrow safe dose range, like chemotherapy. To make things faster, for most dogs we will use body weight to make our calculations, though some medications will have different dose rates for dogs above or below a certain size.

Vaccines and hormones don’t follow this rule. For these sorts of medications there’s not really a per bodyweight dose, just a threshold where the dose is ‘enough’. Double, triple or quadrupling a dose of oxytocin, for example, does not actually do anything once they’re reached that ‘enough’ point. Doubling a vaccine dose does not increase the protective immunity once the initial dose is ‘enough’.

This might seem counter-intuitive, especially when you look at the diversity of sizes in dogs. Surely a vaccine administered to a chihuahua will be more concentrated in its body than the same vaccine administered to a great dane? Well it probably is, but as long as we have an effective dose in both, it will still work.

What are adverse vaccine reactions and how do they relate to vaccine dose?

Vaccines actively stimulate the immune system, and like all medications in use everywhere (unlike homeopathy which is water and wishful thinking) they do things we want and things we don’t want. The things we don’t want are termed ‘adverse effects/reactions’, and they vary in their frequency and severity. They include:

fever (quiet or reduced appetite for 12-24 hours)

tenderness at injection site

anaphylaxis (swollen face and paws, like a bee sting reaction)

Immune mediated disease (eg IMHA)

Some cancers (sarcomas, specifically)

Death

But don’t panic!

Take a moment to consider the potential reactions on the list. Fever and tenderness is because the immune system is doing its thing, it’s responding (appropriately) to the vaccine. These adverse reactions are minor and often require no intervention at all, though some repeat offenders might get an antihistamine with their vaccines in the future. They are also both more likely in juvenile, small animals and so are potentially related to the dose of vaccine or adjuvant per kilogram body weight.

So if smaller animals are more likely to show tenderness and fever after a vaccine, which are indications that the body is responding, then they might still respond to a lower dose of vaccine.

More on that later.

Anaphylaxis and death are not dose or frequency dependent. They are an inappropriate response by the immune system, just like life threatening peanut allergies in humans. Because the immune response is blown so out of proportion, it doesn’t matter what the dose is, you will still get the reaction.

If a person with a peanut allergy eats a single peanut, the reaction is going to be the same as whether they ate a whole jar of peanut butter. Same with the vaccine. If it’s going to happen, it will.

This is independent of dose and completely unpredictable, but rare. Death is especially rare. Some brands of vaccine might seem more or less likely to cause anaphylactic reactions than others, but the jury is still out on this.

Immune mediated diseases and cancers are particularly interesting, and have grabbed a lot of attention from sensationalist media over the last decade. There are lots of different ones that might be associated with vaccines, but I’m going to focus on the most common two from each category because I don’t intend to lecture you for 38 hours.

Immune Mediated Haemolytic Anaemia (IMHA) Is a very interesting disease where the body attacks its own red blood cells, destroying them and causing anaemia. Some quick and dirty facts about IMHA:

33% of cases occur within 3 months of a vaccine

50% of cases also have some sort of cancer (Haemangiosarcoma (HSarc) being most common)

Approximately only 50% survive

If IMHA was completely independent of vaccination, and the dogs were all getting a vaccine once a year, you’d expect 25% of cases to occur within 3 months of a vaccine. 33% is a little suspicious. But we can’t blame vaccination for all cases of IMHA, not even close, with all those nasty HSarcs around, which on their own only have a survival rate of a few months.

In a nutshell, IMHA can be triggered by any immune system stimulation at all. For many dogs, vaccines will be the most common immune system stimulus they encounter, but cancers and viruses can do it as well. It’s not fair or accurate to blame vaccines for causing all IMHA, but we also can’t discount the possibility in an individual patient.

Injection site sarcomas (ISS) are the specific cancer associated with vaccines, especially in cats. This cancer is slow to spread but difficult to remove, and seems to be more associated with the rabies, FIV and FeLeuk vaccines more than others.

Again, however, it’s not just caused by vaccines. Any injection in a cat can trigger this type of neoplasia, and so can cat bite abscesses. It’s just that the vaccines are going to be the most common type of injection your typical cat gets.

In both IMHA and ISS, they’re basically just bad luck when they occur, but they will be independent of the dose. They’re either going to do the thing, or they wont.

So reducing the dose of a vaccine will probably not save any animal lives, but may reduce the adverse reactions that owners most frequently complain about (fever and tenderness). It might benefit the patients somewhat, but it is potentially blown a little out of proportion.

That said - I have never administered a rabies vaccine in my life. That’s a perk of living in Australia, we just don’t have it here. I don’t have boots-on-the-ground experience of that specific vaccine, so perhaps the frequency of adverse events are different to what I see with our vaccines.

Why don’t we vaccinate with lower doses ‘off-label’?

Off label is a term we use when we use a drug differently to how the manufacturer recommends, in this case using less than a single dose of vaccine for a patient.

Basically, we can’t guarantee it works.

This is especially problematic for rabies vaccination, which is done not only to protect the vaccinated animals, but also humans they might bite in the future.

If a veterinarian uses a half dose, which has unknown efficiency and may not work, to vaccinate a dog, which then goes on to bite somebody but that person does not get rabies post exposure prophylaxis because they assume the dog is fully vaccinated, that human might die.

You just don’t know whether it worked or didn’t, whether the dog and then human are safe or not.

Risking human health in this way is generally seen to be completely unacceptable by the wider veterinarian community.

So what do I actually think?

Congratulations if you’ve read all of this and you’re still here with me. You’re doing great, well done.

Personally, I think we could potentially lower the dose (or frequency) of some vaccines, but never off label.

I would like to see more vaccine research and development for more low-dose vaccines, specifically for juvenile or tiny patients. Most vaccines would be tested in beagle-sized dogs, I would like to see a whole slew of testing done on under 5kg dogs. If we can lower the dose for these tiny ones, it might mean we need to stock two different versions of a vaccine, but we’re doing that with trivalent vaccines anyway, and I think that’s how the future will go in wealthy and developed countries.

I think the future of veterinary medicine will include more single antigen vaccines, titre testing, microdosing and changes in vaccine frequency, but I will touch on all of those in another ask (hopefully) later today because this one is long enough.

So the Dr Robb discussion probably does have grains of truth in it, but not all of it and filtering it out is the challenge. Either way, there needs to be more research on adverse reactions in tiny breeds from the vaccine manufacturers, and public pressure/demand is the way to make that happen.

#veterinarian #vetblr #vaccine #immunology #adverse vaccine reaction #imha #HSarc #injection site sarcoma #vaccine site sarcoma #cancer #dog #cat #pet health #controversy #long post #bacontardis

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daesungindistress · 7 years

Note

1.Hi, I came across this post (daesungindistress(.)tumblr(.)com/post/161838867627/i-used-to-love-todae-too-but-then-realized-theyre) but unfortunately I deleted my tumblr some time ago and can't reply on it so here is something that came to mind while reading through it. This might get a little long. Bare with me :) .. I actually started liking BB not long ago through Dae and his amazing voice and started looking at some videos and concerts and such and one thing that struck me was SH and Dae

Besides the fact that he is literally the other half of Dae in every Dae related show out there. Their relationship is something that sticks out from the group although it is the one they Seung Hyung and mostly Dae goes out to put little focus on. If they did the whole GD+Ri and GD+Top that Ri and GD does then they will blow them all out in terms of “fanservice”. Something they barely do.

I enjoyed reading through both your thoughts and like I said, I haven’t been listening or paying attention to them for long, a couple of months at most. I do agree with both your posts. From what I’ve seen of Seung Hyun, he is more impulsive as far as his emotions goes and he says and does things that some times makes you go what the hell is you doing baby. I remember seeing one interview where I think it was PSY who diverted from the whole mess he was digging himself into.

He is not someone who hides things or goes out of his way to really hide it. You give him the opportunity to talk about something that he doesn’t mind talking about without any backlash and he will tell it all. And then you have Dae who is more “calculating” on how much he lets out. Something I’ve noticed is that during interviews he mostly says the same thing where he either takes something out and add something new or shift it a little. And he makes it so funny that most are like awww and

and then goes so funny like you said the smiling angel until the times comes where things like Seung Hyun talking about calling him whenever he is feeling down and then people goes oh, that was serious. I’ve been watching k-dramas and such for almost a decade so I know the K-Entertainment is brutal and sometimes how you conduct yourself can come back and bite you in the ass. I do have artists that I like but in general I stay far far away from the K-Pop/music world.

In Daes case by being “closed”up, there isn’t much people can use against him in any case that isn’t made up situations. Also as an introverted person he charges his energy by being with himself and I get that, after having too much conferences within a week I tend to not want to see anyone during the weekend to recharge. I think they balance each other out, his “need” to always be there for Seung Hyun forces him out of his comfort zone.

They are so silly whenever they are on screen together I question how they are considered adults lol. And that’s like one part of their relationship the part that they can show without showing too much. If their situation was a drowning person and one saving I believe both would have drowned by now. Seeing how even more serious Seung Hyun situation seems to be, there is only so much holding above water you can do before you drown yourself or let go.

Normally when people are in a low place, they go to their therapist and try to work through things or do things you normally do that helps you. And so for him to call Dae in such a situation means he knows he is someone who can help him tip the balance back into his life. I think what Dae does, is to be constantly be there for him in order to make sure he doesn’t get to that low point but that can’t be always the case since they also have a life out there.

There is this translation of I think it was the final concert they did and Dae mentioned always wanting to be there for him and give him strength but not doing enough because he easily gets embarrassed. I found that quote interesting. I think they are so low key with their friendship in the public eye that even meeting in private is something the rest of the world with never know, until they decide it is time to do so. But I get why some times people will be like oh maybe they aren’t that

close because they don’t get “caught” or didn’t post about it. Regarding SeungRi’s mess, from what I’ve read, he has been dropping enough hints about those two relationship. It was interesting how Dae got pissed at him for even dropping the fact that Seung Hyun called him. Like really Dae, it’s not that deep. Which also shows, if it was up to him there will be less shown to the rest of the world about how deep their relationship is.

The fact that they haven’t beaten SeungRi with his mouth yet is funny. Dropping the fact that Seung Hyun loves Dae the most o teasing them as lovers from their recent FM. I’m actually expecting his ass to be whooped at this point lol. Did this whole mess even make sense? I didn’t type it out before and just went with what’s on my mind. Hopefully it made some sense.

So when I said this reply would take “a day or two” evidently what I really meant was over a week. So sorry! 😰

I think it’s really cool that you’ve been able to see all these things despite not being into BB for all that long (since you said you started liking them “not long ago”). The short version of this is: yes, I agree! “Literally the other half of Dae” …I love that! Aaaaand now I’m putting the rest behind a cut because… length. Yep.

About fanservice and how they’d blow the others out of the water if only they did it… I don’t think Daesung is all that into couple-y fanservice. Or shippy fanservice, I should probably say. Sad but (probably) true. In fact, he seems to make attempts to discourage it at times, and I try not to think too hard about why that is. This is in stark contrast to Seungri, who keeps up with the trends and knows what the fans want and enjoys giving it to them (us)… even if that means, yes, fanservice. And not always of the spontaneous variety; sometimes it’s pre-planned and carefully thought out.

What comes to mind first is a pretty renowned onstage GRi moment during the MADE tour that was later revealed in the MADE movie to have been a product of Seungri’s planning. He suggested it to GD well ahead of the concert and it seemed GD balked a bit at the idea. But they did it anyway, because they knew the fans would love it. I think that disappointed a lot of fans, when the truth came out, and I completely understand why. We like our shippy moments between the members to be ~real~ and ~natural~ and ~organic~ and ~heartfelt~

…or something. You know?

WHICH is why I get the sense that what we see between TOP and Daesung is rarely just fanservice, if it’s fanservice at all. I don’t think Daesung is into it, and as for TOP… I really feel like TOP just does what he wants, when he wants, cameras be damned. What we end up seeing from them… I dunno. It feels sincere. Probably part of why I’m so drawn to it, to them. Even if it sometimes leaves me feeling like a creeper, lol. 😅

Another thing: I could be wrong, but I don’t think Daesung is much for PDA (public displays of affection). Taking it further, I’m not sure he’s very handsy at all, with his friends or otherwise. You always see the other members touching and caressing and hanging all over him (except for Seungri?), but Daesung rarely reaches out and reciprocates. The only times I can recall seeing him touch the other guys of his own volition (i.e., when he’s not being instructed to for photos or whatever) is when he’s collapsing against them in laughter. You know, dropping his hands on their arms or shoulders. Safe places. No hands on knees or thighs like YB, no arm slung low around the back like TOP, no soft hugs from behind or chin hooked over a shoulder like GD.

The other times Daesung initiates touching are when he and Seungri are sharing the stage, such as in their recent dual rendition of Joyful. He gets a little rough sometimes with Ri, grabbing and pulling him in or pushing him away. But the way I see it, he’s deep into performance mode then and can be expected to play it up a bit for the crowd. (But wait, didn’t I just say he doesn’t do that kind of fanservice? God, y'all, I hate when I end up contradicting myself. I’m just gonna call it the Maknae Effect.)

Sometimes I wonder if his reticence to touch has anything to do with GD, YB, and TOP being his hyungs. Possibly he doesn’t feel it’s appropriate to touch them as freely as they do him. But then… nah. Dismiss that thought. I might be projecting a bit, not being a physically affectionate person myself– the thought to make contact never really occurs to me, and when it does? I’d rather not– but yeah, I just think Daesung tends to be more of a hands to himself kinda guy. (Of course, if we were talking about a love interest he’d surely be warmer toward them, but what I’m discussing here is in a more general sense.)

OKAY. Yikes, sorry, went off on a tangent there. Finally moving on from that. I like that you pointed out how Daesung has this tendency to repeat himself in interviews, often telling the same story over and over again but adding or taking away tidbits, just enough variation to keep it interesting and fresh. And yes, often putting a funny spin on it. Humor is not only great entertainment, it’s a good diversionary tactic. Give people that quick laugh they’re looking for and they’re satisfied, ready to move on. I mean, hey, more power to him, but this is largely why I say that Daesung’s air of openness feels a bit shallow to me at times. I’m always left feeling like we’re just scratching at the surface and getting, well… nowhere.

…Which is perfectly understandable, of course! He’s not exactly going to bare all to the public. I keep having to remind myself that because, perhaps like TOP, once I get to talking I tend to tell all (perhaps a better word is “overshare”). Now there’s one good reason to never become famous. hah!

Alright alright. As for everything else you’ve said, really, agreed 100%! I don’t know that I have anything left to add at this point– or that anything I could add would make it any better tbh. I think your observations about ToDae are on point. Thank you for taking the time to type up and send so many messages to get this to me. And now I’m finally freeing it from my inbox so others can see too.😃

*Oh! I do also like that you brought up Seungri casually throwing out a “because TOP loves Daesung the most” in that one fanmeeting. And his teasing when Daesung was asked about his relationship with TOP in another fanmeeting: “Lovers?”😂 Can’t remember if I ever shared those moments here at this blog, but I have seen them (and loooved them, of course).

#ask #anon #todae #top #daesung #sorry I just realized that even though the ask was about todae...#...I ended up going on and on about daesung #lol #oops #my bias is showing

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arukou-arukou · 7 years

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Tony has to stay awake for a very long time for some reason, and when he finally is allowed to rest, he physically can't, so the rest of the Avengers (but especially Steve) take care of him until he can.

With two hours to deadline, Tony finally managed to unsnag the last line of code and send it through. A new smart AI bot, one designed for searching and detonating IEDs so soldiers wouldn’t have to, whirred to life and aimed its tiny periscope cam at him inquisitively, awaiting input. The right mix of AI–not so sophisticated that army programmers could turn it into an offensive weapon, but not so improbably slow that it failed to do its job. Three iterations ago it’d tried to bring the dummy bomb to Tony, and that was clearly a no go, so he’d started the code from the bottom up and programmed until the edges of his vision went blurry. It needed testing. Testing.

“Find,” Tony grunted and the bot happily rolled off to the mock test range. “Not perfect,” Tony murmured, slumping down against the table to watch. “Just functional. Just need you to do your job. Can tweak later.” It’s little treads bumbled across sand and rocks, grinding a little in a way that, just for a moment, sent Tony back five years in time. His fingers clenched compulsively at the table before he forced himself to let go.

In the sandbox, the little bot scanned back and forth with infrared and ground-penetrating sonar and blessedly, beautifully, it located the payload. The shovel arm activated and started digging. Tony nearly wept.

Time slowed to a molasses crawl as he watched and waited. The digging mechanism had to be calibrated just so. Too much force might set off the bomb prematurely, and while the bot was built to withstand most of the explosives it would encounter, the goal was also to mitigate as much damage as possible to save on long-term costs. At last the bot pulled his dummy bomb and began sending back data.

Tony swiveled to watch the bot’s feed, studying preliminary analysis from the computer’s suppositions and looking to see how close it got to guessing right. There needed to be human input at this stage to verify and validate, but if he could get the bot ‘s guesses at least 80% accurate, it would save soldiers precious minutes of exposure and danger in the field.

Line by line the profile appeared: likely composition, likely blast radius, size analysis, potential solutions. Not bad little bot. It wasn’t gauging size correctly–something was probably off in the camera aspect ratio, but that was easily fixed. Tony typed back orders and watched with eyes that felt on the verge of shriveling up into dried peas as the bot began procedure. It pried away the main engagement plate and started snipping wires. Beautiful. As dexterous as he’d hoped. And the test was going much better than last time, considering last time the bot had run right over the dummy bomb and technically blown itself up.

The bot finished the last of the disarmament protocol and swept its camera again, asking Tony for permission to return. He glanced at the clock. Hour-and-a-half to deadline. Beautiful. With a flick of his wrist, he typed in the commands for return, charging and self-diagnostic. It would be enough. It had to be. Tony needed it to be because he’d been awake…slowly he blinked at the clock and tried to focus. The numbers blurred in and out before sharpening and he sucked at his teeth. He’d been awake way too long, that’s what he’d been.

“J, lab’s yours. Get the specs and test footage to Pep and tell her to work her magic. Do not disturb orders on my quarters for the next four hours. I don’t want to hear or see anyone or anything unless the world’s ending, and even then, tell them to see if they can get Johnny Storm first.”

“Of course, Sir.”

Tony stumbled his way to the elevator, finally allowing himself to make the jaw-cracking yawn he’d been biting back for the last four hours. Now that the code wasn’t right in front of him, now that he had allowed his brain room to think of something other than the next string of numbers and letters, it felt like his bones were turning to concrete. His feet dragged and his fingers hung limp at his sides. The raw puffiness of his eyes seemed to get worse, especially when he stepped out of his dim lab and into the blindingly bright elevator.

JARVIS brought him to the penthouse without a word, and Tony emerged into a seating area lit only by the New York skyline. Late then. Late enough that the city seemed quiet. Maybe so late it was early. Tony had just been looking at a clock. Why couldn’t he remember what time it was?

On dragging toes, he slumped his way through the living area to his bedroom. No Steve. The bed was made, the sheets military flat. Tony would miss Steve’s body heat, but they didn’t always share a bed, so it wasn’t like he had any right to be disappointed or lonely. It was fine. Or at least it would be fine once was he was horizontal.

With fingers stiff and swollen from hours at the computer, Tony slowly peeled away his T-shirt and fumbled his way through his jeans’ button and zipper, shuffling out of the denim rather than pushing it away. He was afraid to bend over, what with the way his head was swimming.

“Getting too old for this, J,” he murmured, staring forlornly between the bed and the bathroom. He could go to sleep without brushing his teeth. It was an option. But he’d regret it when he woke up. He knew that much.

“With all due respect, Sir, perhaps it’s time to bring on a secondary R&D assistant.”

“Who’s,” Tony yawned over the “oo” and tried again. “Who’s gonna keep up with me?”

“I already have a list of several likely candidates, Sir. There’s a young woman at MIT, up-and-coming, who seems particularly promising.”

“Yeah? Well, put together a profile. Maybe–” another yawn “–maybe I can get to it tomorrow.” For a moment, Tony had to lean against the sink as his whole world tilted forward. He grit his teeth and waited the dizziness spell out, and then he picked up his toothbrush, smearing toothpaste on it at a snail’s pace. He brushed slowly, steadily, telling himself just a little bit more. Just. A little. Bit. More. And then it was down. His teeth were sort of clean. Enough to be bearable anyway. So he shuffled for his bed. It was almost as bad as being rip-roaring drunk, though at least this wouldn’t result in vomiting come morning.

With a final burst of energy, Tony flopped forward onto his mattress, groaning as his nose took more weight than it deserved. He barely had the energy to slither under the covers, but he forced himself to do it, jamming his feet (still in socks) down toward the bottom of the bed.

“Sleep” he whispered, turning onto his side and snuggling down. The sheets were cool and the scent of mint was in his mouth. Nice, beautiful sleep.

…

He’d thought, with the way his body felt, that he’d drift off right away, but from his nest under the covers, he felt suddenly wide awake. Wired awake. His leg started jumping a little, a nerve twitch in his calf that just wouldn’t go away.

“It’s just nerves,” Tony mumbled. Stupid contract. He didn’t want Hammer Industries getting it. Not Bain either. They’d try to weaponize it and that would be bad. Very bad. Had he checked the color protocols against the video footage? What if the bot had identified the wrong colors? What if, in the dark, it couldn’t make out color input? Tony hadn’t designed a night vision camera. Maybe he should–

He shook his head sharply. No. This was not the answer. There was plenty of time for tweaks later. What he needed right now was sleep. Even he could recognize when he was beyond being of any use to anyone, and he was there right now, already a lump of sleep-deprived meat.

“Sleep,” he said again, now a command. As if to make it a reality, he shifted in his bed, turning onto his other side and pulling the blankets into a tight burrito around him. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing. It was all going to be fine. Just get some shut-eye and then work on tweaks. And Clint’s arm guards. And a stronger stretch material for Bruce’s pants. Something flame retardant.

The night wore on and Tony tossed and turned, but his brain couldn’t seem to shut down. He could recognize it, in a distant sort of way. Nervous thought spirals that took him further and further down the rabbit hole. When he’d gotten them as a teen and in his twenties, he’d self-medicated into a stupor, but he knew how Steve felt about that. Tony was better than that, now.

So instead he tried every trick in the book. Counting sheep. Counting breath. Imagining he was a melting snowman. Tensing and relaxing focused muscle groups. Listing the periodic table. He never got far though. The thought spirals intruded again and again. For hours he fought it until, rumpled and so dry he felt like a corn husk, he peeked out from beneath his blanket and saw that the sun was rising.

“What the fuck?” he whispered, pressing his fingers into his eyes.

“Sir?” JARVIS asked, quietly, almost hesitantly.

“J, blinds.”

“Sir, shall I–”

“Blinds, please.”

The windows tinted to matte gray, trapping Tony in darkness. That made it so much worse. So so much worse. Without the ambient city light, he was in space, in the suit, falling, dying, alone. With a desperate wheeze, Tony whipped away his blankets, looking down at the arc reactor, touching its smooth face, pressing his palm to it to feel the steady thrum beneath. Too much. Too damn much.

Heart pounding in his chest, Tony rose and stumbled out of the bedroom into the main room. If he couldn’t sleep, he damn well wasn’t going to stay in the dark. He weaved back and forth to the kitchen, eyes on his feet, so of course he he ran straight into someone.

“Tony?”

Clint. That was Clint. Should’ve recognized the dog PJ bottoms. Tony blinked up and flinched when Clint took a literal step back.

“Holy shit, man, what happened?”

“Couldn’t sleep. Can’t sleep.”

There’s a clunk of glass on marble somewhere behind Clint, and with great effort, Tony raised his head. Oh god. They were all there. Team breakfast. Was it Sunday? It must be Sunday. Fuck fuck fuck.

Bruce was the first to move again, standing from his chair at the table. “Tony, you’re not looking so great. When was the last time you were able to sleep?”

“Uh…”

“JARVIS?” Nat asked, bypassing him completely.

“Sir has been awake for sixty-two hours and forty-seven minutes.”

“Jesus, Tony,” Clint breathed. Tony realized Clint’s hand was on his shoulder, but he couldn’t remember how it got there.

“Tried,” he said, tongue thick. It was hard to get the words out. “Tried last night. Laid in bed. Counted. Stuff. Couldn’t.”

As though a whistle had been blown, the team leaped into action. Clint slung his arm over Tony’s shoulders and turned to look at Steve. Nat was already at the refrigerator, pulling out a gallon of milk. Bruce brushed past them both going…Tony wasn’t sure where. He blinked and when next he looked, Steve was right in front of him.

“–ony? Tony?”

“Sorry. Can’t. Word.”

“That’s ok, Tony. We’re going to get some food and water in you and Bruce is getting you something to help you sleep. Then you and I are going to bed.”

“We are?”

“Uh huh.”

Clint steered Tony into a chair and a moment later, something heavy fell over his chest and legs. He looked down to see a length of heavy red fabric. Thor’s cape. He was wearing Thor’s cape. And under that he was…naked? Except for socks. He was still wearing socks. Not naked.

“Here Tony. Can you drink this for me? Got you a straw to make it easier.” Nat set down a mug of milk in front of him, and he nearly dropped it when he touched the ceramic. He wasn’t expecting it to be warm. But still, he sipped at it through the straw, trying to answer Nat’s quiet smile with one of his own. He didn’t feel like smiling. Or drinking. But he forced himself to. Something inside him slowly began unclenching.

“Here Tony,” Steve said, setting down a bowl of oatmeal with banana coins on top. “Try eating a little for me. Just enough to help settle you.” Tony tried to reach for the spoon only to have it swim just out of grasp. Like an eel. He frowned down and tried again but it stubbornly remained out of reach.

“Spoon’s swimming,” he muttered out loud and tried using both hands. Only Clint at his side managed to keep the mug of milk from becoming a disaster as it dropped away.

“Ok, buddy,” he murmured setting the mug out of reach. “Let me help you with that spoon. They’re tricky, I know.” He helped wrap Tony’s clumsy fingers around the spoon and then guided him through the first few bites of oatmeal. It was nice. Not too sweet. Not too hot. Warm and grounding in his stomach. He blinked and realized Steve was there, looking down with that sad smile that wasn’t quite a real smile, that little pinch of skin between his eyes.

“Good, Tony. How are you feeling now? A little more settled.”

He wanted to respond, he did, but he could barely keep his eyes open anymore.

“Ok, Tony.”

That was Bruce. Bruce was back. “I brought you some melatonin and mild muscle relaxant. I know you prefer not to have that kind of thing in your system, but you’re so keyed up, I worry you might not get to REM before your muscles wake you back up again. Will you take it for me?”

Tony nodded and opened his mouth numbly, feeling the soft acrid weight of pills on his tongue. Someone put the straw back between his lips and he swallowed convulsively. It was so nice and warm. He almost believed sleep was possible.

And then he was going up. There were arms under his shoulders and knees, a furnace of heat against his side. Thor’s cape draped over him in what was probably a ridiculously dramatic affectation. He would’ve laughed if he could’ve.

“Do not disturb orders. Nat, if there’s an emergency, you’re in charge.”

Was this what flying felt like? No. Tony had flown before. Flying wasn’t as soft as this. He cracked his eyes. When had they gotten to the bedroom? The bedside light was on, and in its soft orange halo, Steve was undressing, He glanced over and caught Tony watching. “Hey. Hey, you’re doing great. Just close your eyes for me. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Tony could feel a thought spiral pressing at the back of his brain, but he closed his eyes anyway because Steve had asked it of him. A moment later, the bed dipped behind him and there was heat at his back, a great swatch of warm naked skin.

“Just gonna help you relax a little more. You just keep your eyes closed ok. Go to sleep if you can.”

Steve hands were on him. Smooth, strong, sure. And then he started kneading. Gentle squeezes along Tony’s triceps, soft circles across his shoulder blades, firm strokes along his lumbar and glutes. The warmth seemed to shoot straight through him, setting off some sort of chemical trigger in his brain. Little by little, his limbs melted into the mattress.

“Great job, Tony. You’re doing great.”

Tony wanted to tell Steve he was great, he was sweet and kind and caring, and Tony loved him. He wanted to tell him all that. But his tongue was melting into his teeth and his eyes couldn’t stay open anymore. Under Steve’s gentle massage, he finally, finally slept.

#fanfiction #writing #tony star #steve rogers #steve/tony #stony #hurt/comfort #insomnia #avengers #rosefyrefyre

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pointthefingerblametheother · 3 years

Text

First of all I don't hate you either. These posts are coming from a place of love. True love deeper and longer lasting than any romance book could portray. I love you more than you let me show you or that you would accept when I tried showing you anyways. I thought you stopped loving me months ago. But really, you stopped loving yourself and couldn't see how much I truly do love you either. Seeing you depressed only made me more depressed and vice versa. It sucks.. I couldn't show my love after trying so hard and getting rejected just trying to even have my arm around you; I'd get rejected day after day. - I would take you back someday. But you have to learn to love yourself again, first. And not just chase for someone else's love (fake or not), running from your own love for yourself. Our own depressions had been feeding each other's. And we should have went in to get help sooner, but we didn't know any better... After the first Covid shot I felt even worse and my daily migraines have been even more powerful for me I wanted to escape my own body and mind.. not you. It's been absolutely terrifying losing myself during this pandemic... So dark and cold inside my own mind. I didn't know how to get help (The Nice app just told me they didn't have the meds they thought I needed and I felt worthless ever since last June when I tried to get help)

Only you can get help for yourself, if you want relief from your struggles, but I can try to help that process if you would like a little guidance. I love you, but I can't force you to love yourself. You have to want it yourself, for yourself. - I was paralyzed by my own depression and rejection. I got tired of trying to be good enough for you and still being told to go in the other room every day. Yet, somehow I still love you more than anything on this Earth. I'm trying to learn to love myself again. - I was depressed. Hating myself. And then you went and left me for it.. and now all I feel is emptiness inside without you by my side. If you only knew the guilt I've been feeling inside, unable to let out for leaving RTI; when you promised me everything was going to be okay... I know you only left me because of my depression and the lack of love you were feeling yourself, you wanted someone who seemed happy and to feed off their energy. I don't hate you for doing that. But I still never stopped loving you even though I couldn't love myself and it hurts to feel given up on.. twice now due to my depression. I haven't been able to think straight ever since my panic attacks started at RTI and that mixed with depression and made every day agony. Not your fault, you can't feel what's inside of me. I'm seeing a doctor and getting help soon. I want to fix things. I'd compromise anything with you, honestly. I still have gift cards for Sugar Factory saved.. but I am so heartbroken that had to sell the engagement ring I bought you, just to pay for a down payment now for a place to move to.

Listen to Lost in the Woods from Frozen 2 to know how I'm feeling before proceeding reading the rest of this post. One of the last movies we ever got to go out and watch together over a year ago, you stopped wanting to watch movies with me once the pandemic started... We used to do Redbox and all that stuff before we got depressed.

If you end up going through any of my other posts, just know they're in reverse order because it's a blog. I also have OCD so I edit and touch them up too much and add too much to them. I can't do that or delete all the messages I over sent you. Sorry about all those messages, honestly. I was going through lots of withdrawal: Crystal Love, Video Games, AND Caffeine. So yeah, I got nasty like when someone gets off hardcore drugs or smoking cigarettes. That's what it felt like and I'm sorry I let all that out on you and all the horrible things I said about myself. I'm sorry you didn't feel the love I was giving anymore. I honestly didn't feel loved by you either. Or that you even loved yourself anymore. Everything was about murders and people having painful life experiences every conversation I had with you and you were watching all these dating shows that made me uncomfortable because it seemed you'd rather watch them than accept the love I was trying to show you. You wouldn't even let me sit next to you or put my arm around you. When we went to the mall you wouldn't even hold my hand anymore like you used to... You weren't being yourself at all.

I want to get back to who we were together before the pandemic.

Before you left, I honestly loved you more than life itself. Would have killed myself if it would have made you happy.. That.... THAT is why I was speechless when you said you were leaving me. My heart SHATTERED before you. It killed me inside to hear the person that I love more than my own self wanted to leave me for someone else after 7 1/2 years. I was so sad with you being unresponsive to all my signs of love for the past few months. I honestly sat in that room for days on end debating suicide because I'd been getting rejected to even be allowed to sit on the couch with you for weeks... While you texted away with another guy? I honestly almost killed myself over this because I thought you just hated me because of my depression. The only words that saved me were when you said "I don't hate you". I don't know why that saved me but it did. It sure felt like you hated me. How do you leave someone who loves you more than themselves, more than life itself...?

You stopped telling me your wants. You stopped telling me your desires. It felt like you only wanted me out of the room and to get yourself off to sleep multiple times a day and try to sleep for days on end, even sleeping through your work shifts only to stay up all night to make up work. It felt like you wanted nothing to do with me. And it hurt me. Every. Single. Day. I used to be the one you turned to for that kind of intimate stuff.. and you seemed to want nothing to do with me anymore. I felt like yesterday's trash for months, so I turned to Twitch to try and make other people feel better since you stopped receiving my actions of love. Just being friends with people since I couldn't meet new friends in person. Only friends. Never thought once of not loving you or pursuing anyone else.

I just barely finally started to love myself and bought the PS5 and then the NES (the NES was an impulse buy, trying to do some retail therapy like you used to do in healthy amounts). But realized I was still addicted to Overwatch, because I had a feeling you were talking to another guy and that made me even more depressed. I figured I'd rather play video games than kill myself. When I realized it was someone who also pretended to be my friend I wanted to kill myself even more. I wanted to kill him too. But it was your choice to fuck me over. When all I did was love you too much and get rejected to the point all you did was talk to him about my shortcomings from being depressed for over two years from leaving my job FOR HAVING PANIC ATTACKS... Leo doesn't love you. I can forgive you for leaving me for him, but you also have to be able to forgive yourself. You were in a vulnerable state and he took advantage of you. He just wanted to steal you away while you were depressed as an easy trophy.. He wants you to keep needing him, and he will do anything to keep you hanging on so he has a chance to take you away for himself (not for you or your best interests).

Opposed to me where I have always wanted to raise you up every time I could muster up the courage to try to cheer you up again.. I'd get rejected yet again. Every time I tried playing board games, watch TV with you.. the games sat on the table for WEEKS on end... collecting hair, collecting dust... and you'd reject me day after day to play board games saying "not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next weekend, etc." You stopped eating and making food for yourself and for us and sharing that weight even though I tried encouraging you... And then you got mad at me one day for not making food, after making it for us for the 5th day in a row... I asked you to please make something for us and you decided to starve instead... It fucking hurt. I love you Crystal but you let yourself go and you decided to chase a guy lying to you rather than the man whose loved you and has been with you and committed only to you for over 7 1/2 years.

We both got depressed, both needed help, but couldn't help the other enough to get them to a doctor. Sorry... I never stopped loving you, even though you hurt me so bad. So yeah I started buying things for myself to cope. Spent too much and you stopped seeing the things I was buying you and gestures I was trying to do for you and for us. But it doesn't have to be the end of us, Crystal. Neither of us could control our depression on our own without seeing a doctor, so I can't hate you for leaving.

I tried changing the topics we would watch, to happier things and watching shows with you that were not so dark, but it seemed every time I tried talking to you you'd rather be messaging someone on your phone than talking to me about anything at all. When we went out and played pokemon you'd have side conversations with Leo instead of showing me you cared about me on our date nights.. I tried many topics to change what we watched and tried encouraging you to look into your health, but I forgot about my own health and you started talking with another guy behind my back. It was pretty to do such a thing to someone who loves you more than life itself... But he'd also been badgering you for months to just let him back into your life, the sick bastard.

When I was messaging after you left I could only focus on the negative about myself because I was depressed (and have been for months, hating myself for having to deal with companies rejecting me for months.. and not being able to get close to you while my search for work was absolute Hell. You pushed me away a LOT). You really didn't deserve all the messaging and hearing me beat myself up. You have been depressed too. I tried explaining all the things you needed help with too, but it was way too much all at once and I'm sorry. Sick people can't fix other sick people - One of them needs to at least get help first. I'm glad you gave me a chance to go get help. I hope you can do the same for yourself and take the time to love who you are.

She always tried her best to make every day feel better for me... No matter how bad it was for me (or herself) inside. If you're out there reading this right now, clearly you still care. Take your time and feel free to read this window into my mind. it won't be easy to get through, but I still love you, Crystal, okay? Please relearn to love yourself. Sick people can't help sick people, but I'm working on myself and getting better; if you want help from being depressed I'd be glad to help you get you the help you need.. but you have to actually want it. For yourself. Don't do it for me. Sorry I got so depressed and stopped caring about myself. It must have been hard for you to watch... I know it was hard for me to watch you going through the same thing. Neither of our faults, okay? We just have to learn to care about ourselves and our own wants and desires. The pandemic's been so long I can't remember the last time I styled my hair or put on cologne (I used to put product in my hair every single day.), or you put on perfume or lipstick... I miss those days. Check out my new photo below this post, too. I'm trying hard to love myself again. 😁

Take all the time you need to read every word. We were both very depressed and confused when you left, both being depressed for a year in isolation. Something needed to change for us to get better. I understand that. Maybe some day we can get back to going to shows and traveling the US or the world together like we always wanted.

I'm trying to focus on me now though, so we actually have a chance. I need to take a break from only thinking about what I think you want or trying to make you happy with the little things. The little gifts and stuffedies things don't add up if you don't love yourself enough to want them for yourself anyways. (I'm glad I still have all mine from you. But.. because they're mine from you. Not because you gave them to make me happy. Band aids don't last. We both needed real healing from our depressions. They've just been feeding on each other's and we turned into horrible monsters towards each other.) I don't hate you for it though. I turned gross too. I'm getting better though. 🙂

Gifts and kind gestures don't fix depression though. I needed professional help to get through Covid Isolation. But. She gave up on me instead of telling me to get help or explaining as someone out of my own mind that I stopped doing chores. It wasn't a choice. Depression is a mental disorder. It disables our ability to be happy and do things that make others happy that we love. We say and do things we don't mean. It's the way life is... We're only human. You gave me everything I thought I wanted and way beyond. But nothing fixes depression other than getting professional help from doctors. And that needs to be our own decision to make for ourselves if we are worth that kind of investment for our own quality of life; we have to love inside our bodies no matter what, and we only get one body and one mind. Let in; let doctors help. - I will help you if you decide you want the help, but the decision to GET help needs to be your own choice, as I have also made my own choice to get help on my own.

I wish I could have gotten help sooner so I could treat her the same way sheas trying to treat me, before she got depressed, too. But stuffed animals and gifts weren't going to save her either. The proof is in the bag I got her.. it made her so happy to get it but her own depression she just wanted to escape into it rather than face her own love in herself. It happened to me with video games, too. Babe I get it we both fell for depression at the same time.

Gifts are just little bandaids, and ours were holding back cracked dams of depression... I wish I could have done like I used to do without this dark cloud hanging over me not letting me be myself. Covid was a horrible year for us.. as individuals, both. All my brain wanted to do was escape my depression and so all I did was play games instead of getting real professional help, that I actually needed. No healing shows to go to or musicals - that's our love language.

This damn pandemic... I just want to go to shows to be happy again... But the thought of going alone is heartbreaking. It's really hard with E3 going on right now. Lots of great memories flooding in. None of what happened in our fallout means we meant to leave the way we did; you left with practically no notice and it made no sense.

Not to mean to beat a dead horse, I KNOW you don't want to hear this or accept this. I don't care if you end up single or dating someone else on your own merit, but Leo is not good for you and he is NOT a friend. He only wants you as a trophy as "the girl that got away". You are an amazing woman, Crystal. 7 1/2 Years I know what the good times AND the bad times are like and I wouldn't trade them for a minute without you. but Leo worked on you for months. He really did. You had no idea, after being manipulated so long. Try to look back to the beginning of how annoyed as fuck you were that he was messaging you again. You told me how mad you were "some guy" was messaging you, but you didn't tell me who. I wish you did, but how could you know this would happen unless it's happened with him before? But you also let him. You gave him the chance. I tried early to help you and you refused. I warned you the first time you said he was bothering you that I would help if you wanted me to tell him to go away... But you let the bastard talk you in to leaving anyways he started planting seeds in your mind months ago and worked on you slowly over time. I saw the messages because you have always told me you have nothing to hide from me. Only reason I ever looked.. I KNOW and I COULD SEE you didn't want to leave like this; one month before the pandemic ended... We both knew the end of the pandemic was near. But there's no helping you when you decide to leave.. no matter how badly I wanted to... I couldn't convince you otherwise. I know how you get by now after 7 1/2 years. You had a flare up and his words hit at the right time after badgering you for months... I should have let you go earlier so you could learn earlier but I was trying to protect you.

This is a lesson you needed to learn on your own though.. Leo is a manipulator and will never change that he is one. He's not even a friend, please get away from him as early on as you can. I don't mind if you find another guy that actually cares and is in it FOR YOU, or if you choose to stay single gonna while and reflect on what's happened in order to heal. If you don't get away, he will jump at you again the moment you let your guard down again. I know people like this (women) from my own past. I will not hold it against you for being convinced out of our relationship or hate you for it. We were both depressed, trying to break the cycle some way, some how. Come back to me; talk to me when you're ready. I will not force you, you need to decide and learn this on your own. Even if you just need to talk to me as a friend.

I hope it truly isn't the end for us... I'm not hopelessly obsessed, just addicted to your love and then you were gone cold turkey. The same day I then quit gaming and caffeine. I am sorry my withdrawals came out on you.. I want to give you a window into our past if you ever just so have the desire to look here again on your own. Some of these posts I have made already I forgot you might have been able to see so... Sorry if anything hurts you. Not intentional. Just venting at points. This hasn't been easy on me. I love you and couldn't call this the end, just yet. Not like this. I saved all the memories in the memory box, when you're ready to go through them again some day.

I do hate my body though for not physically being able to hold back messaging.. Like I can’t shut the fuck up when you leave cold turkey like this. You've done this twice now so I know you didn't mean it. Sorry Crystal. You didn’t deserve that. My love was so strong for you I forgot to love myself... And let you go. I know you couldn't handle seeing me and my depression day after day.. You couldn't fix me and you felt defeated. I needed to see a doctor to wake out of my depression. I wish I could go back and delete the messages. Those last few messages I just wanted you to get help with your thyroid. For you, not for me. Even though reading them they did come off like I'm trying to be an asshole. I wasn't trying to. Just feral after covid depression and being hit with you leaving without talking through things, that's all. It came off wrong, it was a bad time for me to try to help you while you were so upset.

I wouldn't have known you didn't mean this breakup to happen if you hadn't told me about your password in the exact way you had at least 25 times in our relationship with the exact words: "This is my password. Remember it. If there ever comes a time when you need to get in, use it; I have nothing to hide." I heard it singing that night in my mind... I KNEW something wasn't right. I had to listen to your past words and take your past words seriously after you saying it so many times. I did it for you; not for me. I only made sure I got caught because I hated myself for looking... Even though I was only following your own words because I love you and I cared enough to remember you telling me you had nothing to hide.

Maybe some day we can be mature enough to actually talk about things again.

I will be getting medication soon to help with the pain. I didn’t mean to take out all my frustrations on you, a lot has been built up inside me during the pandemic and I burst open with the cut of you walking away cold turkey. I hope you can find a doctor for your thyroid and other therapy you will need to get through this. Don't forget I love you and that I'd still do anything for you; even after all of this.

If you need help and don't know where else to go, talk to me. I'll help you through anything but you have to be willing to listen. - and if you don't know where to find me anymore... Talk to your mom. She should help us reconnect if you can't find your way on your own. I'll be waiting, but also focusing on bettering myself, too. Take care of yourself, love.

I hope you have the ability to forgive me some day. We had good times, too. Mostly good times. But that doesn’t make up for a year of depression and isolation. If you apologize I will have a lot to think about. But, I know... I will never forget you. What we had before he started interfering. I should have known when you were so hesitant to add him in PoGo. And then weeks later "someone" was bothering you on Facebook but you wouldn't tell me who. You said you could handle it on your own telling him to go away. I trusted you and dropped it. I let you handle it because I trusted you and can see your strength, but isolation made both of us weak. Thats where this all stemmed from... You sat and debated so long to add him in PoGo or not and I never understood...

But I understand why now... At least the tip of the iceberg. I saw months of his prying and prying thanks to your foresight of telling me you never had anything to hide from me. Thank you for telling me that. I knew something was wrong. I never meant it as a harmful act or selfish, only to help you. I made it look selfish and said that I did it for myself to try and protect you. I thought it would be easier on you to hate me... But even then

Later the next day you said "I don't hate you" from the bottom of your heart. I know that was you talking to me, not the panic. Not the entranced Crystal that couldn't control leaving. You didn't want to leave, but your body wouldn't let you stop and think. Neither did I.. I was so confused how you'd leave so much behind with places starting to open up, seemingly so easily. But we can't see when we are being manipulated by ourselves. We need others to tell us and try to help, so I did. I gave it all I could.

I was only doing what you always asked of me, that if you needed help I knew how to get in. That was always so important to you... Talk to me when you're ready.

I'd still love to go to this with you. So you can go for yourself. Doesn't and shouldn't be going for me until you're ready again. But, we owe it to ourselves to go and enjoy the things we love again. You wrote that paper on them and broke down their music. Don't forget that and that you love these bands too. We talked so much about their new songs as they were coming out. Do it for yourself. But yes I want to go too. Just not .. alone.

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