#but ah. ive ranted abt it enough | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dinosaurtsukki · 3 years

Text

dating the port mafia’s medic

a/n: basically headcanons of port mafia members dating one of the organization’s medics who happen to be you. i just thought this would be cute and i’m craving fluff. also these are,,, really long.

feat. akutagawa, chuuya, and odasaku

akutagawa ryuunosuke:

you were the doctor that mori specifically assigned to him to help with his lung condition

even though akutagawa was supposed to have regular, weekly sessions he’d only come in like,, twice a month and that was after you texted mori that he hasn’t been visiting you

akutagawa isn’t all too comfortable with the fact that he has to take off his shirt so that you could put him in an x-ray gown or when you need to listen to his breathing with a stethoscope

but you’re incredibly patient with him and also the pay is good so you persist

at one point during one of your sessions, akutagawa grumbles about having to come to the clinic when he just wants to live long enough to make dazai proud

and you’re like ‘is that so?’

“personally, i’d feel kind of sad if you had to die so early”

that kind of gets akutagawa thinking. he can tell by the way you said it that you had no ulterior motives behind it

akutagawa: but,,, i'm your most troublesome patient

you: oh my god you think you're troublesome ??

you start to rant abt all the patients you had to treat before who didn't believe in vaccines or got their elbows stuck in weird places

akutagawa finds your stories really entertaining so he ends up enjoying and willingly going to his sessions with you

after that first fight with atsushi, you ended up taking care of akutagawa and patching up his body

literal days of you just being at his bedside, worrying and hoping that he'll wake up and then you suddenly realize that maybe you have feelings for him

when akutagawa regains consciousness, he finds that he doesn't entirely hate the situation he's in because he gets to see you more often

he likes listening to more of your stories while you sit at his bedside. eventually he opens up with stories of his own (most of them are abt his missions so yeah)

akutagawa begins visiting your clinic more and one day he comes in even though he doesn't have a session and then agonizes over why the heck he did that

good guy senpai chuuya is basically all 'idk are you in love or something?'

to akutagawa it's utterly unacceptable and he hides his feelings for so long until you're the one who decides to confess to him

and to your surprise, he hesitantly asks if maybe you two would like to be in a relationship

you two are awkward about it at first. akutagawa doesn't really know if drinking tea at your clinic could be considered a 'date' but he does like these moments

both of you have pretty hectic schedules since m your patients are also mafia members and you have to be on-call all the time but akutagawa is really understanding

he likes seeing you in casual clothes but he also thinks you look good in a labcoat (he probably borrowed it when you were not looking to try it on)

because akutagawa has grown quite accustomed to your touch and initiates holding hands with you (in private ofc)

he's still not used to the idea of you taking care of him not just as a doctor but as his s/o but it makes a nice change for once

chuuya nakahara:

the first time he met you was after a mission when he was taking one of his subordinates to the emergency room of the infirmary

you were the doctor on-duty that night and the first time chuuya laid his eyes on you he was like 'damn'

who knew the mafia doctors were this hot amirite

ofc you were also kind of starstruck to see mafia executive chuuya nakahara in the emergency room but you had a job to do and a man was losing blood

you: what's his type?

chuuya: uh,, h/c hair, beautiful eyes, labcoat...

you: i mean... his blood type

chuuya's got it bad. after that night he couldn't stop thinking about that cute medic aka you

but he didn't even know what your shifts were so he LOOKS FOR YOUR CASE FILE IN THE RECORDS

it's like he's gonna commit a murder or something but no he's looking for information on you

the guy’s pretty impressed when he looks at your resume and definitely sees why you were hired to be a doctor at the mafia but that only makes him want to see you more

but questions is, how does he make it look like he was just ‘passing by the infirmary’ and not that he’s actively looking for you

tsundere boy is tsundere

because chuuya almost NEVER gets injured in fights and he’s got a reputation for that and now does he get himself injured on purpose just to see you?

well, the opportunity presents itself in the form of him and dazai fighting cthulhu aka lovecraft but we all know its cthulhu

chuuya wakes up on a hospital bed to you checking in on him and he almost falls off the bed in shock

but then after he gets his bearings he realizes what an IDEAL SITUATION THIS IS

although it’s kind of hard to flirt with someone when you’re in a hospital gown with an IV infusion stuck to his arm

nonetheless, he finally decides to ask you out after his last day of treatment and you’re shocked of course but agree

although your first date ends up being rain-checked because a patient comes in a new mission for chuuya comes up

actually almost all your dates get rain-checked until after a mission, chuuya decides to visit your clinic with a bouquet of flowers just when you get off your shift

chuuya: are... you free?

you: yeah. are... you free?

both of you are too tired for a fancy restaurant date so you two end up at a cozy bar to share a drink

chuuya loves listening to your stories and talking to you. he literally has his chin on his hands listening to how you made a makeshift tourniquet out of your labcoat while you were on the field

both of you are really busy people but chuuya likes to stop by your clinic once in a while

you always have fresh flowers on your table because chuuya brings them for you

sometimes he’ll come home to you already tired and passed out

oda sakunosuke:

the first time he met you was after a particularly rough mission and you were luckily there at the emergency room to treat him

this guy had a concussion and needed stitches asap but instead he was asking you to treat his companions first

you quickly treated him and let him rest and of course the first thing he asks when he wakes up is how everyone else is doing

your intrigued of course because you’ve never met a mafia member who was like him

the second time you met him, odasaku actually brought someone from the enemy faction along because he didn’t think that leaving him to die was the right choice

he didn’t know if you would treat them because you were loyal to the mafia but you also had your own moral code as a doctor to treat patients no matter who they were

odasaku stuck around the emergency room knowing that it was going to take you hours to treat the man and when you come out, you’re surprised to see him there with a cup of coffee

the two of you end up sitting in the hallway and talking about all sorts of things. you love listening to how odasaku stopped killing so that he can fulfill his dream of being a writer

he on the other hand loves hearing about how you went through the hell that was med school because you were dedicated to saving lives

maybe odasaku doesn’t mind getting injured so much because that means he gets to see you but also you can’t help but feel worried about him

one time, one of the odasaku’s adopted kids gets really sick and the first person he ends up calling is you because he has no idea what to do

to his relief, you show up right at the curry restaurant and are very much ready to help

odasaku admires how good you are with kids. even though they just met you, they’ve already taken a liking to your calm, sweet presence

you even pull out your stethoscope and let them take turns listening to each other’s heartbeats

until a kid walks up to oda to check his heartbeat and is like ‘uh,,, your heart is beating really fast’

cue all the kids singing “ODA LOVES Y/N, ODA LOVES Y/N”

you look up at oda and he doesn’t look away and now you know

after that day, oda asks if you would like to maybe have a drink with him or visit a cafe and you say that you would love to

odasaku loves to drop by your clinic because he’s such a caring boyfriend and he knows how stressed you are from your work

he even comes by in the morning to bring you your coffee and he memorizes your order

▸ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ◂

taglist (check out my post for details on being part of my taglist): @waitforitillwritemywayout @atsumu-brainrot @laure-chan @goodfoodxoxoxo @guardianangelswings @ah-kaashi

702 notes · View notes

claybrownie7566 · 3 years

Note

I think this is the final rant? Thought dump?? For now

I wanted to think abt wing types😔 some ideas for what type of wings they might have

Active Soaring Wings (long narrow wings, made for soaring over water ie gulls): Easily Tetra! They're on the great sea after all, this one is simple! Wings like these only really fly well when the wind is favourable, so shed probably have to stay on her boat most of the time- but Wind controlling the wind currents with his wind waker to help Tetra fly, my beloved

Passive Soaring Wings (Long broad wings, made for soaring high in the air and have fast take off speed ie eagles): Id say Dusk, Artemis and Lullaby. These wings are pretty typical for predator bird/birds of prey, so out of all of them these wings are the most intimidating which works for Arty! Shes the princess of a war, bird of prey wings are sufficiently scary for her. Plus sometimes you see the Trope of characters using their wings as a shield, I feel like out of all the wings these are the only ones thick and big enough to actually be used like that. For Dusk I picked this because the way she sorta circles you in the puppet Zelda fight reminds me of birds of prey/Vultures. Imagine Twi being circled by puppet Zelda with her big wings, I would be veryyy intimidated. For Lullaby, I feel like passive soaring wings just feel more confident. Instead of flapping to keep up right, your just soaring! I also like the idea that she only flys really high in the air where no one really notices her so she can be free to just be herself by herself, before coming back down and having to be either Sheik (Downfall,Adult) or the perfectly well mannered Queen (child). Also one of the birds of prey are seen as good omens in the down fall era because the Goddess Hero has said kind of Wings (Like to think that Sheik is a cultural icon in the Downfall era like Time is in the Adult era)

High-Speed wings (Medium long and narrow wings, built for long sustained speed ie Falcons): Sun, Dawn, and Flora. Sun is already cannoncally super fast, always ahead of Link and Ghirahim. So she gets the Zoomy wings. She can fly faster than Ghirahim can teleport and it drives him crazy. Bonus when she shoves Sky off Skyloft, she has to go get them, but her wings arnt stong wings like Dusk/Artys/Lullaby so she just has to lay there for a while after pushing herself too far (mirroring her loftwing in game). Her wings are easier to use in the stiller wings of the surface, compared to the harsh winds of Skyloft- one of the reason she likes the surface more. For Flora, I like the idea that after Wild died, Flora flew around powerfully quickly to the Calamity after returning the Master sword. Like the botw speed run stasis launch but shes just like that. Also it would be funny for her to fly faster than Link can ride a horse. She leaves him in the dust as soon as shes out of the castle. The Rito in botw must really like Flora bc they're constantly talking about how Wild doesn't have wings. Flora who dive bombed the Calamity with all her strength means the world to me. Dawn's is more practical. If non of their wings look the same im just assuming that like Hylia picks which wings they get based on their personality/environment. Wings built for fast sustained flight would be amazing for the Downfall era, to always be too fast for anything to catch you. Too bad she still gets kidnapped tho, she must of been yanked outta the sky when trying to escape. I could see Dawn being the fastest flier before getting kidnapped and her bonding with Leggy over not having the most presentable Wings. I love Dawn so much. I feel like shes 100% embarrassed of her wings and prefers to keep them hidden, but seeing Legend struggle with his would cause a mom friend override. She will talk about them, but only to help others

Elliptical Wings (short broad wings, made for short bursts of high speed tightly controlled flight and fast take offs ie sparrows): These are the wings require a lot of flapping for normal flight. Out of all of them I feel like they have the highest skill ceiling. Like to be able to quickly dart between trees seems hard, and if you arnt darting youd be flapping constantly instead of Soaring. I feel like these would be good for Leggy and Fable! Legend needing to flap constantly to stay in the area, but when he finally figures it out he can move faster than Flora/Dawn/Sun and maneuver better than them at higher speeds too- but its hard. I feel like that fits with the Legend learing how to accept/use his wings plot line. Its hard but theyre super cool after he figures it out. For Fable, ive always seen her as high enegry and excitable. Flappy wings that allow her to maneuver easily just sorta vibe with that. Esp if shes just a natural at it. These wings are made for avoiding predators. Whats a better wing type for a Hero who gets in so many fights, and has so many enemies.

Hovering wings (humming bird wings, used for tightly controlled hovering, very small compared to body, can fly backwards): Dot. Minish cap Zelda having tiny wings is my only thought process for this I am sorry unu

For Aurora being flightless: Aurora was said to live in a golden era before she was cursed. She probably never needed to fly before, she lived in luxury and could just lounge around. A lot of flightless birds uses their wings for displays. So i like to think her wings are very very very very pretty, yet almost useless. (Dawn is a little jelly bc her wings have always been drab looking. Aurora thinks Dawn's wings look warm and comforting.)

Bonus: Hyrule has wings in his fairy form! He can also fly. Hyrule trying to teach leggy how to fly my beloved- I like to think he has little dragon fly wings.

(AH!! an Angst pass!!! Ohohohohoh Dawn and Aurora come hereeee- might draw my ideas of thoes two if it doesn't step on ur toes lol. Two princesses that cannot fly, what heartfelt conversations full of feelings will they have!!)

HYRULE TEACHING LEGEND HOW TO SLY MY BELOVED

C-can I use that? Would that be? I need that now can I put that in?

Bro Anon this is some FANTASTIC STUFF. Ease excuse me while I just....*drops pen and paper from trying to jot it all down.

Dusk with big vulture wings ooooooo.

Yo hmu if you wanna help me hash out designs because O_O

#go anon #yes #brownie bites #feathered au

23 notes · View notes

perhapsthanatos · 3 years

Text

10:32 pm with yuta ♡

nct’s yuta x fem!reader (got inspired by a dream of mine & found the idea really cute)

alternate title: be the james dean to my audrey hepburn

genre: fluff. a pinch of angst. non idol au. badboy!yuta au.

word count: 1400~

playlist: chinatown by wild nothing, lover’s rock by tv girl & work this time by king gizzard and the lizard wizard.

warnings: featuring johnny (not a warning though). smoking cigarettes. cursing. lowercase intended. not proofread.

a/n: hi i was supposed to post a vampire!haechan fic but i really wasnt happy w it in general :( the plot or overall idea of the fic was really good, but i just felt as if i didnt do it justice so here we are :( but ngl, i kind of like this concept more? maybe bc i can see it more vividly? idk, i feel like my writings r getting repetitive & its getting on my nerves lmaoo this is getting long im sorry do u guys even read this part anyway? i would also like to apologize abt the amount of projecting im doing lmao ive been having some rough days & i love my sister but hate being compared to her so often so this is a way for me to rant abt it ig? also so sorry its coming out a little later bc i woke up late today (& procrastinated for the rest of it so here i am posting really late at night) & decided to go to the convenience store to get ice cream (& a ton of other bad shit pls dont do this its rlly unhealthy) for breakfast bc i can :) any who, enjoy lovelies <3

“oh my, y/n! you’ve grown up so well! just like your sister!”

“oh! i’m sorry i’ve almost mistaken you for your sister! y/n is your name, correct?”

“y/n, darling, you are looking so dashing! you really do resemble your sister, don’t you?”

“ah, you must be y/n! i’ve heard all about you and your sister from your father!”

you swear that your reddening cheeks are threatening to fall off any moment now from all the fake smiling. the hundreds of superficial compliments, the insincere flattery and the need for these people to constantly compare you to your godforsaken sister makes you feel even weaker than you are. it gets harder and harder to keep up with a big persona that isn’t at all you. as lucky as you are to live such a lavish lifestyle, you can’t help but hate how your family has to be so perfect. you hate how you have never fit in with them, even if you are so good at faking it. you hate how you have always been stuck in your sister’s shadow, constantly haunted with the reminder that you yourself aren’t good enough. you hate how you now have to entertain the rich and brainless guests at your parent’s gala because she’s gone for some stupid prodigy competition and everyone is only talking about her in front of your face. so what if she’s better the better sister? you still have the right to earn respect, right?

you’re exhausted from all the small talk. your facade gets more brittle by the second under all the pressure. your body feels as if it's gonna give out due to your brain shutting down after all that interacting. you try to keep on going with the night as it unravels itself by being the perfectly poised poster child, trying to make your parents proud. but alive yet almost completely devoid, you decide enough was enough. what if you left right now? no one would notice, would they?

after pulling up your phone discreetly to send a few text messages, you pass through lots of people dressed in gold and finery in a way that wouldn’t have you noticed right away. keep your head down and don’t you dare make eye contact with anyone. nearing the end of the room, grabbing the first glass of whatever alcohol you see and downing it in one gulp, you start walking away as quickly as possible from the ballroom. “ignorant privileged fucks,” you angrily whisper to no one in particular, setting the now empty glass on whatever surface and begin to head to the main exit where no one could spot you running away.

“and what do you think you’re doing here, miss?”

a voice interrupts you, looking up you see that it is your father’s head butler; johnny. he is dressed in a simple black suit that makes him appear taller than he is. his long brown hair is slicked back and his bowtie seems brand new. you have known the man since he started working in your household less than ten years back. you were a reckless child, often trying to find ways to sneak out, finding a way to escape from this life and he sympathized with you. after all, he could barely imagine living your life, never catching a break for yourself and always pretending to be someone you weren’t. he often helped planning when you would sneak out into the night, scheduling things like what time you should leave and what time you should be back, more specifically a time when no one would notice. he would take care of your form of transportation and have your location on at all times, just to be extra safe. as much as he wants you to have fun and have a bit of freedom, he still worries that something might happen to you. because of all this, you two have grown to have a very strong bond. you could confidently say that he is most definitely a parental figure in your life since your parents (and even your sister) are often overseas for work.

“what do you think i’m doing? you think i wanna be in a room with those half-baked bipeds? fuck no!”

“i know, i was just joking. you looked like you were about to explode in there, i wish i could help.” he laughs, pulling out his phone preparing what you might need. “so what will it be for today? the driver? we just need to pay him to keep his mouth shut. a taxi? it’s cheaper than paying the driver, but you still need to pay… not like that’s a problem for you though. maybe an uber would be good enough—“

“actually, i got myself covered. thanks.”

his jaw slightly drops and his eyebrows furrow. he looks straight at you in shock. “what do you mean you got yourself covered?”

you look down at your feet, a nervous habit. “i got myself a ride, you don’t need to help me. i’ll be back as soon as dawn comes.”

he raises his eyebrow. “who’s your ride?”

“doesn’t matter,” you glance down at your phone seeing a notification and wave a goodbye, leaving rather suddenly. “i gotta go, i’ll text you when you need to open the gates!”

“y/n! wait! who’s your ride— and she’s gone.” johnny sighs, watching as you run towards the front gates, tossing your stiletto heels away on the grass while you’re at it. he heads back inside, silently hoping you’ll be fine.

knocking the window of the old black mustang parked outside behind the big bushes, the driver rolls down his window and sends the most charming smile.

yuta in his black beanie, long blonde hair, worn out doc martens, signature leather jacket and black skinny jeans. it almost makes you laugh on how he wears the same thing almost everyday but still manages to look so good.

he is most notable for having a big bad boy reputation and you knew that he was the breath of fresh air you needed in your life. a person who can understand having the pressure of having to be or to fulfill your persona. a person you can completely be yourself around. a person who is full of warmth no matter how cold he may seem on the outside.

“get in, princess.”

and that was all you needed. you tiredly walked to the other door and sat yourself in the car. rolling his window back up, he looks at you. you are wearing a simple yet stunning black dress along with silver jewelry adorned on your neck and wrists. your makeup is perfectly done but still struggles to hide the fog in your eyes. he has the sudden urge to clear them away. he softens at the sight of you. no one is perfect, but he finds you being perfect enough without ever having to dress up.

“where to?” he asks as gently as he could. he knows that you are most vulnerable during these moments and that it is hard to finally break down your walls after a day full of stress, so he doesn’t pry immediately. all he wants to do is to keep you here, safe and away from your burdens and for you to stay comfortable with him, even if it couldn't be for long. but is that too selfish of him to ask? he hates how you hate your life and it is taking every bone in his body to not run away with you. but who is he to tell you what to do or what to change anyway? all he can do for now is try to find a way to make you genuinely smile.

“take me anywhere,” you whisper to the latter. “i just want to be as far from myself and my life as possible. miles away or the nearest convenience store, just take the long way home before dawn.”

you look down at the cup holders, spotting an open cigarette box. you tug one out of the nineteen and light it with the lighter you kept in your pocket. you lean back and close your eyes. he only admires as you bring the cigarette to your lips, exhaling a cloud of smoke afterwards. letting the radio play quietly, he starts the car and begins to drive away from the mansion. he can’t help but wonder how you (an elegant daughter) and him (a bad boy) are millions of worlds apart, but more similar than you think.

58 notes · View notes

yostresswritinggirl · 3 years

Note

tw: tics

mother i just realized i have to go back to school this month (・_・;) nervous abt the 13yos bullying me for having tics :/ ah bit of a rant but they're getting worse nd i cant rlly do anything abt it (~_~;) ive gotten a lot more vocal ones over quarantine too... oh damn im gonna get deadnamed a lot- fuck (• ▽ •;) looking forward to it, lets see if i can suppress them for 8 hours ಥ‿ಥ ahhh 13yos scare me

—🍡

You developed a verbal tic too? Oh dear *pats hair* I wish I could offer more but we haven't really touched tics yet, but I'm sure you already know what you need to do mostly! Just make sure that during school days you get enough rest, and that when you have time, you can go take a break somewhere to let out your tics. Because it's good to let it all out when it builds up! *pats back* You've gone this far dealing with your tics, darling, those 13 yos just don't know better. At least you know you're better than them knowing you don't tease people about things they can't stop right?

#anon 🍡#trigger #exile.goblet

6 notes · View notes

uwua3 · 4 years

Note

hi bunnie✨ idk if you are doing requests atm, but ive been feeling very sad for the last few days, so id like to have some comfort from sakyo or any other chara youd like to write abt 🥺🥺 im sorry for being kinda distant,,,, but im not feeling brave enough to sign with my emoji rn 😔 just know that i love you and all the other anons very much ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

ah, i’m sorry, anon! :( i’m not taking requests as of now. i’m posting a taichi ∪･ω･∪ rq today so one less prompt to go~ ٩( ^ω^ )و ✨ i’m sorry to hear you’ve been feeling sad the past few days—please know i’m here for you whenever! if you want to talk/vent/rant, i’m available 🥺 i’ll try my best to get to your message because i’ve been #Busy but i hope to be a good friend for you! 💛 + you have nothin to apologize for, it’s okay !!! the anons and i love you vvv much 😄 feel better soon, i love you!

Bunnie 💗🐰

#bunnie loves anons!

9 notes · View notes

sposp0 · 3 years

Text

this is j me rambling bc i have no one to talk to (i mean that’s basically this whole blog 😩) so feel free to skip lmao

i rly should stop watching creepy shit before bed omg... now i’m all freaked out & i’m tired but can’t sleep. i don’t get scared by things easily in the moment but as soon as it’s nighttime.... bruh the things i watched weren’t even like horror movies or anything it was just youtube videos talking ABOUT horror/scary stories. gotta love cadaber & wendigoon lol. but omg i’d watched the local 58 videos forever ago but then today i watched wendigoon’s video on it & it like unlocked the memory & now i keep thinking abt the real sleep one omg i’m so creeped out ah i should change the subject lol

i’m making diy platform boots!! i found some rly cool boots at the thrift store & i got some flip flops to make the platform part with so now i’m just waiting for the glue on the flip flops to dry. it kinda got fucked up bc the flip flops weren’t long enough for the shoe so i had to like stagger them? i’ll probably have to put more foam in it & maybe wood pieces, plus i’ll have to decorate it so the outside looks even... ugh. i hope we have everything we need bc i rly don’t wanna make my dad take me to the store again lol. but i’m excited for the shoes & the opportunity to do this lil project, it should be fun :) maybe i’ll order some lil spikes to decorate them with :0

my crush and i hung out yesterday like i talked abt, but i’ve been feeling mad guilty lmao. we played we’re not really strangers, and yk at the end of the game u give each other notes to read once you’ve parted ways. mine was basically just like “you’re really cool, you should be more confident! people like you! we should hang out more :)” & then his was like “you have one of the most beautiful souls on the planet. i’m so grateful we met and i hope we never lose this special connection. i love you bro” LIKE?????????????? ok first of all i’m rly happy abt their note bc omg we hardly know each other and he’s dropping the L-word, in a clearly platonic sense but that’s great i mean wow. but u can see why i feel guilty bc WHAT THE FUCK MY LETTER IS LITERALLY SO BASIC COMPARED TO HIS???? i feel so bad omg i would’ve written sumn like he did but i couldn’t rly think of anything in the moment & i didn’t wanna come on too strong but now i’m scared he thinks i don’t like him... omg... he got his 2nd covid vaccine friday btw so he still kinda feels like shit probably, but if he felt better we were gonna go thrift shopping this weekend. he hasn’t reached out tho so idk. i’m kinda scared to message them but i probably will soon j to check in abt the vaccine & let them know im not ghosting them or sumn lmao. we probably won’t get to go this weekend but i’m hoping we will next weekend maybe? idk bc i’m going back to hybrid school and covid is p bad at my school so i don’t wanna get him sick.. like ik he has the vaccine now but i’m still scared 💀 n e wayzzz next time we hang out i’m gonna maybe give them another note to open up when i leave to make up for how terrible the first one was. would that be awkward? idk i feel like it would either be rly sweet or kinda weird. maybe i’ll bring paper and stuff for him to write a note for me & that can be like a lil tradition for us, that’d be cute. ik ive ranted abt him for so long but i promise i’m not obsessed 💀 this is just the first time i’ve made a friend since elementary school & i also have a bit of a crush on him so i rly rly want things to go well. thus, i’m overthinking. ughhh. i rly hope things go well. i’m trying to let it just run its course but it’s so difficult. i rly care too much

ok jfc LONG post i apologize. idrk how to end this lmfao.. bye ig 😩

#personal #ghost rants #maybe i should start using that tag #so y’all don’t have to scroll thru these long ass posts if u don’t want to lmfao

2 notes · View notes

furymint · 4 years

Photo

2019 Creator Reflection

Pick a favorite piece for each month to celebrate the year! Reflection under the cut.

January: i dont remember writing another poem this year after this one, and i dont think i could necessarily top it: i think this is one of the better ones i’ve written. it’s tldr abt elliot n his anxiety abt proposing, and why he won’t do it, and i feel that its focus and imagery is tight even tho there’s a few trips in rhythm, which i think help convey his panic

February: i’ve distanced myself from this one a lot, but i think it’s still p strong. nol’s rant is a bit preachy, tho it sources from smth he’s thought abt a lot and which is a thorn in several of his conflicts: self-image, reputation, class, n identity. the undercurrent is also censorship within vulgarity and truth, which is a mega issue in war-related literature

March: honestly one of my fav things. i love writing brucemont, and i love nol’s relationship w the dead, and w elliot, and w bruce. it was difficult as usual to get the fight scene done, and pronouns are a special hell, but im happy w how it turned out.

April: i liked the language in this one. alliteration kept coming to me, which was as annoying as it was a help bc it can easily overload a sentence, but it felt snappy to write even w the long sentences. we also stan the vigil, as always

May (1 / 2): the first was a really excellent exercise, all things considered, and finding a way to combine each route n hone in on each questline helped me remember some plotting basics. thank u wyda! / this one was one of my first sets w separate characters in gpose, rather than taking separate pics and combining. ofc the flashback pics were heavily made up, but the pics w nol n eli were all shot w timing, which was a lot easier than expected

June: this one took a long time, but it’s fun to do frame-by-frame animation n add grime, so that’s what i did. i liked organizing the colors on nol n dav, and the lighting turned out really well. it tells a lot abt them, too

July: ironically, altho this was one of the most complicated puppeting jobs ive done, it went rly smoothly by how excited i was abt it. i blame absolutely everything on this shitpost

August: ah yes. my Novel. i honestly love this thing to death, and im astounded by how quickly i wrote it and how finely done it is. def my achievement of the year, sans college things. its the first project i’ve begun from page one and will finish in order. will!! plz look forward to it!!

September: happy ffxivwrite! faith crisis or not (elliot’s always having one of those) i wrote fluff. i havent done that in like. 3 years. at least. not to this degree. one day ill write all the stuff that’s in exposition!!!

October: this was a slow month bc i was working on everything i’ve posted for november n have yet to complete, but i did hit 80 gnb and got nol his greatcoat!

November (1 / 2 / 3): a big month! the first big segment of wedding au, a nol thing for armistice day, and an eli edit i ended up falling in love with. i think i bled keeping up the pacing in wedding au, but im super glad w how it turned out. the points of intensity work and im grateful for it. then, i wanted to keep the tradition of confronting some military things for 11/11, and tho i didnt hit the date, i finished it. i’ll never feel like it’s “enough” to cover a topic that deserves a book, but for 1k it’s a entry.

December: another slower month bc of family n trips, but i did manage to write--holy shit--smth fluffy. i don’t usually use the ouroboros technique in my writing, but it felt extremely appropriate here w the cycle of death n life in the story.

-----

overall: this year was stupid, and also really good. i finished my thesis, graduated magna cum laude w english honors, joined phi beta kappa, got working meds, made friends, went to ny twice, read more books than i have in so so long, and sorta learned how to drive. no responses to internships, and no response from potential job yet, but i know 2020 will be the year i get to work and im excited to get started. also first au!!! im gonna do it!!!!

and past reflections, for ref: 2017 | 2018

#thank u all my friends for ur support!!!!!!!!#2020's gonna be good or else!!!!!!!!!!!#imma write lots #this year felt v nol-y #which is kinda funny bc i went cold turkey on reading war things after school #so maybe next year i can work on more elliot things #his family and at-home plot #brianna babbles #bri edits

16 notes · View notes

tohokuu · 2 years

Note

1:14 am, already actually finished the already due school work! i was on tumblr since i just remembered my ask at the afternoon and i just started reading fic rn

having too many interests are one of my problems, i kinda get addicted to making stuff and sometimes just abandoning the other :////

little weird rant because i have this playlist lmao- so, late 2019 my father died, specifically days after his bday, my mom had a conflict between my father's side and i also got involved. my grandparents like to visit me secretly because,, you know, they miss their granddaughter, right?

i don't stress smoke or drink, i combat stress by travelling the city or hanging out with friends. so those months before the pandemic here started, i like to just stay away from my mom as much as possible, she needed time to think and i also don't want to be involved. however, she doesn't like me going out, she also doesn't want me to see my grandparents...

it was pretty traumatic, but i actually have a playlist for it 😐 she confiscated my phone for MONTHS and i didn't had proper contact with my friends, i only have a flip phone that also didn't last long 😑 those were the only days i was still kind of free, until the pandemic came. i play the violin and i'm part of my school ensemble, we worked hard on that year-end recital, so i was pretty mad abt it... and so, my social anxiety was born, i didn't know how to talk, even with friends. some of my school mates and teachers even noticed it 😬 the playlist consists of the new releases of nov-dec 2019 and jan-feb 2020 :///

maybe 2 months from now, i can make a playlist for you! i like making playlists that reminds me of them, also what songs i'm listening to rn, it'll just take some time to process <3

a lot of my playlist are summer themed, since this is a tropical country, and so my memories is based on that. for those nostalgic playlists, it depends on the time 😅 for those daytime beach roadtrips, night roadtrips, etc. genres are mostly hiphop, rnb or edm. genres climbing up my charts are mostly vgm or weirdcore.

for artists, of course, we have the bg groups (atz, tbz, skz, bts, svt, enha, txt, nct...) and gg (twice, itzy, aespa, rv, eg, ive...) but what's special about my playlist are solo rnb/khh artists like bibi, sik-k, crush, penomeco, dean, heize, saay, sumin, jung jin woo and more! so i'm dropping one of my timeline playlists here in another ask!

- ☀️

AH i'm so proud of you for finishing your schoolwork ! but 1 AM ?? go to sleep !

and dw. i'm the same way. i have so many interests that i often leave one behind and start another one and then leave that one behind as well until the cycle repeats LMFAO

i'm so sorry about your dad btw :( from the other ask, it said you got to spend a birthday with him. i don't remember if it was yours or his, but i'm so happy that you were with him during that time. he'd be so so proud of whoever you are now <33

and about your mother.. i'm not biologically a mother but i have 4 younger siblings with 2 working parents. i've been a "mom" long enough to know that you shouldn't deprive your children of affection of any sort. your grandparents love you because you're their child's child, and i think that's something you should communicate with your mom. i understand that it may be hard, but she needs to realize that in some sort of way, your grandparents are a way for you to be more associated with your dad, despite him not being there.

at least that's the way i see it. it could be different for you, but if you want to meet your grandparents, you should be able to.

and i'm so proud of you for not smoking or drinking. i'm bit of a pothead (tiny bit) and i'm so... slow sometimes.. so i'm glad you don't smoke and drinking can be very harmful.

i'm glad that you have a more positive and clean approach to your stress but your mom wanting to take that away from you is so... sigh

i say talk to your mom more. build a trust with her. i have a feeling that she might just feel a tiny bit insecure. it's difficult to raise a child. i have a brother who is much younger than i am and it's so hard taking care of him when my parents aren't home.

so, just ensure her that you'll always be there for her. it can often lead to a more trusting relationship with your mom and it can increase your chances of being able to go out with your friends and getting your phone back (i had mine taken for 6 months. it's absolute ass ik)

getting closer with your mom will let her open up to you and be more trusting, but if you try to close yourself off, she might become suspicious and limit you. (i have a crazy mom, so i've got a phd in this field. i think...)

anyway, about your recital, i'm so so sorry you didn't get to perform. but i hope you didn't give up, even during the pandemic. i'm sure you're a wonderful player :)))

i'm so sorry about the social anxiety. things like that can arise when you're so stressed. it's completely okay to take some time off for yourself and know that you're doing so much just by waking up every morning. i'm proud of you for getting up, brushing your teeth and i really hope you don't skip breakfast !

and take however long you need to for the playlist. i'll patiently wait !

the songs were really good and i listened to the two dpr songs you listed, those were so good

i listen to a lot of boy groups but i'm trying to get into more krnb as well so tysm for your recs !

#☀️ <3 #hades asks {💡}

0 notes

otomeduck · 6 years

Text

Im back from my showering and I really think that today is an eventful and decent day HEHE and not to mention I have no school tmr + it's my dad's birthday so those r the good news I've been anticipating hehehehehehh :)))))

Yay HAHA. Ok so bcs it's my dad's birthday, i just finished making a birthday card for him. I just feel that it is not enough and it is lacking a decent gift. I don't know what I can give him to make him happy? Omg :(( HAHAHA

Im slacking around rn hhahahb i think im super drunk lol i dont even know what im doing hahahah. Im gonna eat my dinner now lmao

Im bored ahhahah im so reluctant to study but im just gonna study for a while lol hopefully my hard work pays off and yea ☆ god hahaha and i need to stop being so careless and wasting my time & stamina on the wrong minigames for the ikemen series ugh yes ikesen omg i cant believe i keep doing shit like that hahahah

Oh well lol tbh i'd better work hard now than regret it later do yeah hahah gonna put in 30mins of hard work lmao kbye folks i love u encouraging bunch hahah

Im so fking bad in integration lmao lol help

Ok im done with 30min of studying hahaha that ended off badly tho bc i needed to do 3 math questions but i ended up being wrong for 2 questions and i didnt know how to do the last LOL this is bad lol my calculus really sucks lmao and then i wanted to do chemistry homework but for gods sake i lent my notes to my friend today and i forgot to get it back.

And theres no school tmr so i cant get it back oh god this is a mess hahaha omg im so fed up LOL but ok haha chill all is well i survived half an hour of mugging yay lol ok this is one step forward

omg lol im feeling so triggered rn lol school is sometimes a biased bitch lol especially when it comes to choosing people for events LOL this is so shady what the fuck lol there were no interviews but i still didnt get in LOL WTF

im so angry lmao wtf but its ok haha its their loss not mine lmao :---- wow :-''' hmm lolol this biasness is freaking getting into me ah wtf lol what shits hahah

i don't have to worry hahah maybe this is a part of a larger plan set up for me. it might be fate i did not get in bcs it means something better is waiting for me to achieve

i cant deny that im still angry though. At least i now know who are the twofaced and superficial fucks lol toxic im glad i didnt get in

Ok lol hahah ok ok im angsty but at least thr r things to be happy abt hehe like how today was a gd day and im getting along btr w the classmates in my class? Hehe i can feel it significantly. Its a great feeling? Tho idk if this feeling of contentment will last.

I just asked 4 of my classmates who r good in math (1 being my good friend and the rest of the 3 r acquaintances) and i think its a good way to build on relations?? Im rly glad ^^ that they dont hate me or anything lmao. Hahah

Starting to think that this class is bttr than i thought :) tho thr r still some rly obnoxious beings in the class but it's just one or two of them. The rest r rly nice ppl and i shdnt forget that /lose sight of the bigger picture ^^

Sorry for the long ass rant hahah ill try my best to be more wholesome for the rest of the night but im not sure if ull work lol ugh hahah okay at least ive got the tumblr community to rant to + some friends irl so im luckier off than some ppl alr. Better rmb how privileged i am

0 notes

haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

Text

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings:

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours.

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess.

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant.

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it. and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold.

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks.

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves, no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example.

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel.

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit.

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

#rant time #bc i guess i need to vent out my feelings that are just annoyingly complex and i cant actually deal with them #aka i hate myself #but not like actively or aggressively #i prefer not think i exist but thats not even covered up above #just bullshit #dont read if youd like to keep your day being nice

1 note · View note