Riza Hawkeye as a child/young teen but she's just this Annie Oakley ass prodigal sharp shooter little shit who cuts her hair off with kitchen scissors and runs absolutely buckwild in the woods on her father's estate terrorizing small animals (humanely hunting I'm just being dramatic)

Roy boy is just this awkward nerdy little cornball who wants to get along, but they also kinda have that dynamic from the Swan Princess when Derek and Odette were kids ya feel me? Just watch the childhood montage from that movie you'll understand- ☠️

They have like nothing in common at the time (so they assume) and yet they end up thick as thieves cause Riza hasn't had many friends that she can see outside of her education and had an extremely isolated upbringing, so this goofy sweet baby faced dork just got her like that, even if he sometimes drives her nuts a little bit.

Riza would get upset fairly often bc her neglected social and emotional upbringing would get to her (bc realistically,,,,we know that was the case), and Roy got extremely good at knowing when she's upset and would often be the one to listen to her air her thoughts out (callback to the phone call scene after her encounter with pride, this lends background to how he knows her so well and reads her stress levels like a book even over the phone)

Mundane headcanons:

Roy would transmute little clay/dirt doves and targets for Riza bc he was worried about her shooting glass bottles and other assorted not necessarily safe objects.

Roy is trans, I can't untrans him that's just who he is to me. Riza is a self declared tomboy who I hc as nonbinary/demigirl. They're also bi4bi it's canon Arakawa told me.

Riza didn't really know good birthdays, and when Roy realized this it broke his heart bc Chris always tried to remember stuff like that for him and she's not even his own biological mother. So, he made an annual routine of gifting her something (often transmuted and unique).

Riza loved being out in nature back then and knew the wooded areas around the estate like the back of her own hand, when she and Roy had warmed up more to one another she made a routine of showing him all the neat little spots she'd found in the area for one reason or another, just for the sake of sharing that with someone. These remain some of their fondest memories.

Riza would be more likely to go out to shoot targets when she was angry or upset, if she was having a good day and had the time she would be more likely to go hunting because she enjoyed the hiking and tracking but couldn't focus on it when internally upset. Roy eventually figured this out as well.

Riza climbed so many trees, rocks, outcroppings, etc- and was always scraped up from something she probably shouldn't have climbed getting the better of her.

Riza used to have a nanny birddog named Otto, but he passed away before Roy came around, so making a new friend in him after that loss was a big comfort to her. She was hesitant to have other dogs until Hayate.

They're both autistic.

Relatedly, Riza would go nonverbal and lock herself in her room sometimes. Roy, concerned, would approach this by slipping little notes under the door offering company if needed, while not pushing her to talk.

Riza would sing/hum while doing chores or out and about exploring and on every occasion Roy overheard this he'd turn red from ear to ear- if she caught it and realized he'd heard she'd be twice as embarrassed.

Riza would take Roy foraging and showed him some useful/edible plants, and safe berries and mushrooms that she knew in the region. He was honestly always pretty impressed, especially considering some mushrooms that are safe have toxic siblings that look identical.

Both of them are varying levels of nerd. Riza is the type who's full of trivia, especially weird facts about her special interests (animal behavior, guns, bushcraft, navigation and tracking stuff, etc), Roy started out neutral to this but over time infosharing kinda became their love language, and he'd start to infodump right back. They'd spend hours like that some days.

Riza knows constellations really well for navigational reasons, and there were times that she showed Roy a way to get onto the roof from the attic and they'd stargaze. She would teach folk names of constellations, regional lore behind them, navigational uses for them etc; Roy would tell her basic facts about space and astronomy that come with understanding of alchemy.

Riza typically stuck to small prey (rabbits, fowl, easy to retrieve misc.), but Roy had an awakening when Riza first killed a whole ass deer (albeit a young one) and came back with it thrown over both shoulders with the determined energy of a small lionness.

Riza is REALLY good at cooking and baking because she had a bit too much free time to fuck around in the kitchen. She also learned how to cure and smoke meats bc of her hunting. It certainly helped them stay well fed.

Roy developed a habit of cooking for the household pretty regularly in a swapped routine with Riza after only a while of being around because he saw how much she had to be self sufficient in almost every way and honestly just wanted to relieve her of the constant responsibility and self parentification. He'd also help with chores constantly.

Roy had major internal conflict even early on because he respected his teacher greatly for his intelligence and brilliance, but also kned that Riza wasn't being raised well, and that no matter what he does, Berthold can only decline mentally. This is the root of his protective and caretaking behavior with her, ultimately.

Roy doodled and sketched a lot back in the day and had a little booklet that he guarded with his life bc it started out random assorted things, but eventually devolved into a book full of cute little doodles of mostly Riza jammed into the last half of the book (She can never know-). He still has it stored away.

Riza could easily pick him up even then, this never changed. She got to show this once when he sprained his ankle on a hike with her and she held half his weight as a crutch with no strain to herself. He never quite recovered from that (but boy did it make his crush worse).

Roy would notice rarely he'd have a shirt go missing and never could figure out why til he'd find Riza wearing an identical shirt. (She told herself it's just cause they're cozy of course- she just likes boys clothes too! They look nice under overalls and are comfortable to sleep in! nothing more /s) They never said a word about it even though it was right in front of them, they couldn't dare.

Roy had a bike, and she'd ride behind him down some of the rural roads and paths that could support it for fun sometimes.

During winter the home would get pretty chilly because of its size and not enough stoves/fireplaces to fully warm the declining estate, so when snowed in on miserably cold winter days they'd usually end up reclined in the study by the space heater or in the loungeroom by the fireplace reading separately, but still occasionally talking back and forth.

Riza stopped hunting post-Ishval. She couldn't bring herself to derive that same innocent pride and appreciation for the circle of life she once had, and felt she no longer deserved to have that respectful exchange with the cycle of life and death after what her skills had been used for. She never stops going to shooting ranges, but it's either for standard upkeep of practice or to vent.

Homesick recordings

This is the first part of my 1.5K celebration. I present to you the sequel to “Moments in the life of Y/N L/N”, the angstiest piece of trash I’ve ever written. Thank you 1.5 K guys it means a lot, thank you for being here and reading my crap writing and thank you for supporting my blog. Love ya 💖💖💖

masterlist II rules

When Y/N learns that her little girl is gonna leave for high school she suggests she tries recording herself when she’s feeling homesick. Sky believes that she won’t need it but as time passes she realizes that she might need her mom more than expected. 

Monday, April 4th 20XX

“Okay so how do I do this exactly? *camera falls from its spot* Ah crap crap Jesus! Is it still working? Yep yep it is there’s my ugly face hehe. God why is my hair like that? Anyways um…. Hi, I guess? Do you say hi to a recording? This is weird to say the least. Today was the first day of school as you might have guessed and it was ….awkward. I got lost in that huge building twice and I ignored some kids by accident because they called me by my last name! I’m used to people referring to you when they say our last name ugh this is gonna take some time getting used to. The teacher is ....unique. He came into our classroom in a yellow sleeping bag and proceeded to worm around the room like a caterpillar. I don’t think he is the really giddy giddy fun teacher; he wrecked us during training. Gave us a freaking heart attack with a so called prank he pulled. *exasperated sigh* Who says that you’ll be expelled if you score last?? I don’t get it!! His name is Aizawa-sensei and I already believe he doesn’t like me. He stared at me for a solid five minutes with a frown on his face during training. If I’m being honest he was watching me the whole day which is kinda weird. I don’t know how to take that. Is he interested in my quirk or is he asking himself why they put me in his class? I can hear his voice saying ‘why do they keep sending me imbeciles?’. Well mister you can’t get rid of me now I got in and I’m staying! HA! *bang on the wall* YO SKY KID KEEP IT DOWN MAN! SORRY TOYOMI-SAN…..That was one of my roommates….She is a social worker I think. Oh I almost forgot, the apartment I found is nice. It deserves its price I mean. But you already know that since I called you once I got back from school…. See why this is stupid??? I’ll keep telling you things you already know because I have Alzheimer and I don’t remember what you know. *sigh* Oh well I guess you’ll have to endure this torture, you are my mother after all and I’m your precious only daughter so what can you do really? I finished my costume design. It turned out pretty cool, I like it. The jacket you suggested makes it ten times better. I look like a pilot. Well technically I am a pilot. I pilot clouds and now that you’re not here to scold me when I’m flying around I’ll take full advantage of it. You can’t stop me mother! Anyways, it’s getting late and I have school tomorrow so I’ll end this here. I don’t know when I’ll record next…. Most likely when I’m feeling home sick again. Haha it's the first day away from home and I’m already missing you and those two idiots. *soft snort* Goodnight mom, love you.” *recording ends*.

Wednesday, April 27th 20XX     

“Hello again, it’s me, your neighborhood cripple. *wince* You could say I’m a sight for sore eyes because I’m sore all over. You’ve seen the attack on the news. Of course you have, everyone’s shaming UA high for lack of security. Why you haven’t called me yet is a mystery, I guess you’re at work? And before you start throwing a tantrum about me not calling first and blah blah, I wanted to record this first, let you see the actual injuries before I minimize them when I call you. *stares off* Something weird happened during the attack. Apart from the fact that well we were attacked and our homeroom teacher was almost beaten into a pulp, the villains were ….. interesting. When they first appeared I was teleported by this minecraft portal looking ass to another part of the USJ and to be honest I kicked some serious ass. That *wince* that was not the weird thing. While I was fighting I saw Aizawa-sensei facing some type of giant ostrich? Although that that thing wasn’t an ostrich…. I don’t know what it was but mom it was terrifying. *visible shiver* It just grabbed him and mopped the floor with him and I just couldn’t sit there and do nothing. So I went to help or at least that was my goal. That person who teleported me at the beginning tried to do it again and I may have snapped a little bit. I got so angry when he moved me to the other side of the arena that for a moment I totally forgot about what was happening. While I was fighting him his quirk kinda connected with mine. It was strange. Every time I shot a cloud at him the mist that surrounded him kinda engulfed it. It wasn’t only happening to me. I could manipulate his mist. Not every time just like he couldn’t sabotage my clouds every time, but it still happened. I don’t know why it happened or how it happened and I have no idea what I’m gonna do about it.  Maybe it was part of his quirk but it didn’t happen to anyone else…..*wince* God I have a headache. *chuckle* You do realize you are never going to see these videos right? Seeing me like this would send you into a comma and then you would come back to haunt me and my classmates. Anyways, I’ll call you and then I’m going to sleep. Love ya mom.” *recording ends*

Tuesday, June 3rd 20XX

“*walking back and forth in her room* You know how I said that Bakugou is a really fun person to tease? Well that was before he exposed me to the whole class.*laugh* In reality I’m not really mad, it was a nice comeback and if I’m being honest it was hilarious but it was still a shocker. We were going back and forth with that tik tok challenge where you expose your friend’s flaws. So I was standing there pointing out his superiority complex when he dropped the bomb…… ‘It’s the daddy issues for me’......THIS KID. THE AUDACITY. I thought my daddy issues were kept on the down low!!! I’ve done nothing to trigger this comment!! Sure I may or may not have told Mina that you raised me alone and about that counselor incident but that doesn’t mean I have daddy issues. *grumble* You need to have a dad to have daddy issues. Ughh God I hate him sometimes so very much. Thankfully the summer camp is tomorrow. I’ll get to wipe the floor with him in volleyball. I’m gonna draw those anger issues out…. I need some air. *three hours later* I’m back… yay. It’s weird to think about it you know. What you must have gone through when he passed. I know you don’t really like talking about him or anything before I came along but I would love to know what he was like. I’m not gonna ask you in real life of course, I would never do that to you. I know it hurts. I just wanted to say it out loud…*barely audible sniffle* … Well this got sentimental real quick. I think I should go to bed. I love you mom, goodnight.” *recording ends*

Friday, March 14th 20XX

“Of all the things that could’ve happened, this one was the last one on my list. Actually it wasn’t even on the freaking list, dammit! *sniffle* You know things like this don’t happen to everyone. I must be a really lucky person. Tell me one other person who gets to meet their dead parent in a high surveillance prison?? And above that I got an explanation why he was like this. Amazing right? God this is so stupid! I hate it. I hate this situation, I hate that I can’t tell you about it, I hate keeping you in the dark because at the end of the day I’m not the one who was in love with him. He may be my dad but I don’t have a connection with him! I never met him! He wasn’t there when I started walking or talking, he wasn’t the one who dropped me off on the first day of school, he didn’t teach me how to ride a bike, he-he * sob* I shouldn’t-shouldn’t be upset over this. Aizawa-sensei and Present Mic should be the ones sobbing on their floor. Not me. He doesn’t - I don’t- ugh - I don’t mean anything to him in the end. He died 15 years ago. That’s it. He was in love with you, he knew you, I was nowhere to be found. If he could reach out to us more than just a few words he wouldn’t know who the hell I was. *sobs* I have a picture of you two you know….It’s the one I had found when I was five. When you told me that that was my dad I felt like I could form a connection with the person in that photo. So I kept it, you never went through your old photo albums anyway and you never looked for the missing photo. And I kept it with me. I tore a small pocket in my backpack and put the photo there. I thought that having both of you with me at all times would bring me luck. I liked the fact that I looked like him. Now I realize how painful that must have been for you, seeing him in me everyday….and Aizawa-sensei, god, having me in his class must have been torture. He didn’t know that I was his friend’s daughter of course but I looked enough like him to bring back memories. God this sucks…. *deep breathes* I-I have practice so I gotta go. Love you.” *recording ends*  

Thursday, March 20th 20XX

“Hi, it’s me again. I know that I’m recording almost a week after the previous one but… mom I have been assigned a mission and it’s major. It’ll be an attack at a hospital where we believe that experiments are being conducted. We got that information from um what do I call him? *shakes head* from a prisoner in Tartarus, the high surveillance prison I was at last week? Yeah that one. The mission will be really dangerous, that’s what we’ve been told and I can understand that. I mean we are attacking a major operation of AFO, of course it’ll be dangerous. Since we are students we are to stay away from the hospital and monitor the surrounding area but…. I asked Present Mic to go with them in the hospital. I can help keep things in place and I can move people in and out quicker than any of them, plus this is personal. I think Present Mic understands that. He said he’ll talk to Aizawa-sensei about it but regardless….. I’ll find who did that to him, I promise you that. I want to know if...if this was all some grand plan because what they did to him they did to dozens other people and as much as I hate them for taking my father away, I also hate them for what they’ve done to all those other families…… I’m recording this because I don’t know if I come back in one piece or if I come back at all. This is very dangerous and we don’t really know what to expect. What we are getting ourselves into. I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for giving me everything that I needed in life. Thank you for being the best mom anyone could ever have. You raised me by pushing your own sadness and grief to the side and doing the best job you could. So thank you for being my mom and I’m sorry for the pain I caused you. I love you mom, so very much. Bye, bye mommy.” *recording ends.*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TAG TEAM AY:

@iwaqchan @the-arcana-fan-fic @angelwritings @axerrri @reinyrei  @dnarez-mangetsu @bemorefiction

LILY’s RELTIONSHIPS WITH THE DREAMIES

MARKLY:

so their ship name is just his full name LMAO

they love it

so yknow how dream clowns mark?

obviously she does too

but she’s more gentle and has a TON of respect for mark

“minhyung oppa is extremely hardworking ... he’s always working to be his absolute best and he is so kind and down to earth”

they’re actually a really soft duo

because like. mark is truly her big brother

he cares for her a lot and helped her so much during her debut

he helps her practice her dancing (even after he left dream)

because she trusts him a lot and he know the exact way to help her

but yeah she still clowns him

calls him old man all of the time

but she was full on SOBBING at their last concert with mark

like she had to move her mic because it was so bad

mark isn’t too big on the pda but when they’re together he always lets his baby sister give him so many hugs

when sm told them that mark was coming back and they were a fixed unit ... god she cried a lot then too

she was so happy

“lily is actually so sweet guys. like, she’s so genuine. she cares a lot for all of us and she’s also so intelligent? she’s always reading” - mark when asked about her on vlive

he’s trying to teach her guitar but the only instrument she formally knows is violin

her skill with the bass is self taught and she doesn’t know actual notes so she applies that to guitar and mark is trying to ACTUALLY teach her

mark also understands her well because they were both raised in the west

she expresses herself better in english and mark is always there to understand and listen

they’re just actual siblings and love each other so much

LILJUN:

firstly

lily makes renjun look a lot taller

she doesn’t ever make fun of his height and gets mad at the other dreamies when they do

she clowns his voice crack tho HAH

lowkey the savage duo

lily is more secretly savage though

renjun is the one allowed in her room the most

he works on his art and she reads or writes or practices violin

they have a lot of quiet moments

but they also get silly together

so lily doesn’t think about the universe deeply because she lowkey thinks it’s a waste of her time

like .. she’ll never know and she’s fine with that so why dwell on it

HOWEVER she really believes in aliens and she and renjun legit have sat for hours looking online ab alien shit

they’re also both so smart

and she’s always talking about how much she admires renjun’s brain

stans his vocal talent. like. she’s loud about it

fans love this duo a lot nd they have a lot of romantic shippers

even tho .. they have never liked each other that way LMAO

at the airport she links arms with him a lot and they look like they’re gossiping hhhhh

when the dreamies are being too much they just look at each other and fans love that shit

also they’re both arguably the scariest members

renjun because... duh y’all know him

but lily doesn’t get annoyed often. when she does... there’s hell to pay and she has a good punch

“renjun oppa is so good at korean! i’m actually korean and he speaks it better than i do!”

“that’s because i’m smarter than you”

“do you want to die?”

basically just a really close pair! they’re always there for each other 🥺

JENLY:

she openly says that jeno is the cutest member

“he’s the most adorable person ever! his eyesmile is too cute”

the way she laughed when jeno ripped his shirt off-

she clowned him for DAYS

every time she was wearing a jacket or cardigan she ripped it off and mocked him

also whenever she’s drinking something around him she recreates his milk cf

also!!! she thinks jeno is so funny

she loves him and his humor

she and jeno have a really really deep bond.

he saw her journal (refer to my post about her room) and he’ll take what he read to the grave

he checks in on her a lot because he knows when she’s hurting

when they were trainees she was struck by how kind he was to her

and they were stuck together ever since

lily hasn’t ever been mad at him ONCE

they’re arguably the softest duo

they have a lot of romantic shippers too but

again

it’s a no

she’s a big nomin shipper too like unironically she thinks there’s something there

she always hypes his vocals!! he doesn’t get to sing enough >:(

he’s also her biggest cheerleader and when she cries and gets upset about her dancing he always pulls her aside and consoles her 🥺

he helps her with writing songs too!

wholesome beautiful friendship

they go out to eat a lot

jeno also helps her paint her nails LMAO

and they ride bikes together a lot

can’t commit to working out with him though because it’s way too much for her to do all that

lily also bakes a lot. and jeno appreciates that. a LOT

they’re best friends. she even bought them stupid girly heart bracelets that connect together LMAO

JIHYUCK:

so much affection!!!!

she is such a hyuck stan

“haechannie is my bias!!”

always calls him fullsun (in english)

number one hyuck skin enthusiast!! she thinks he’s gorgeous and glows brighter than all of them

also she loves his singing and thinks his vocal tone is so unique

always laughs at his jokes and finds him hilarious

he doesn’t prank her as much as the others because he’s actually so sweet to her

he’s used to having a younger sister and thinks of lily as his little sister

they constantly text and facetime a lot since they live in different dorms

she’s lowkey whipped for him and he’s whipped for her

not in a romantic way tho!

another member who always eats her baking

they learn girl group dances together

now we all know damn well that hyuck is the sweetest boy and so full of love

but we also know he annoys the shit out of the members

jimin is NO exception

he pokes fun at her and mocks her all the time

so she slaps him in the back of the head LMAOO

when does she actually get mad tho? when he shows up at the dorms and enters her room without permission

cue her chasing him around the dorms with murder in her eyes

yknow the vine where it’s like

“let me see what you have?”

“a KNIFE”

“NO”

that’s the other guys making sure hyuck doesn’t get brutally murdered

because lily can pack a punch

all in all though, they’re a great duo and they’re always so proud of each other

JAEJIMIN:

okay jaemin babies the FUCK outta her

he always takes care of her and talks to her about her concerns and vice versa

he was so happy for her when she debuted and was sad he couldn’t be there for it

she visited him all the time when he was gone

and she was heartbroken that he wasn’t with dream

she is a BIG 8dream stan because they are a family

but yeah fans can’t even ship them romantically because they know lily is his lil baby

she helps him with his english

and he always compliments her singing and dancing

proud of her songwriting

so much affection

even tho she hates when he pinches her cheeks n calls her cute

when he came back during go she was overjoyed

“go is our special era! we were all reunited~~”

he always wanted a sister and now he has one <3

she drinks a lot of coffee but not as much as him and was so worried about his health

they’re the biggest flirts w czennies

you’ll always find them with their arms linked in the airport

and everywhere really

during empathy era she was always hugging jaemin’s side

they also do a lot of lives together!!

such cute bffs

she is a big nomin stan like i said

name twins and they always tell everyone that they’re actual siblings

jaemin’s mom is so fond of her and treats her like her own daughter

HE REALLY TRIES TO GIVE HER FASHION ADVICE AND GIVE INPUT ON HOW HER HAIR SHOULD LOOK FOR COMEBACKS

they’re really true siblings and best friends 🥺

LILLE:

THESE MFS ARE BEST FRIENDS

01’ liners and so similar in ages but he ALWAYS brings up that he’s older

they compete over a lot

literally everything is a competition

she’s at her most childish with him

they also make lots of bets and she usually wins

clowns him for those predebut pics LOL

SHE ALWAYS SEND THEM IN THE GC AND EVEN POSTS THEM ON BUBBLE N SHIT HAHA

they can be really soft but will never admit it even if they are caught on camera

they’re pretty calm if they’re cooking together

he is Banned™️ from her room and she won’t budge at all

“chenle isn’t allowed in my room because he will disturb my peace”

remember on that one ep of weekly idol where chenle was SCREAMING while they did aegyo

yeah it’s louder when lily does aegyo

u didn’t hear it from me but her aegyo is SO cute it’s not as cringey as the others

but chenle hates it because she’s cute and he wants to clown her but he CANT

really proud of each other. super proud of each other

chenle has sat with her as she’s cried a lot. and comforted her. and it always stays between them.

she’s always there for him too

a LOT of fans have suspected that there’s something there

his mom loves her so much!!!!!

when she and jisung went to his house they were BAFFLED and impressed

“something bothers me a lot. one day, chenle woke up and looked grown up. he used to have chubby cheeks and looked like a kid and now he looks like an adult and has such defined cheekbones. it’s so strange”

when they became adults they got SHITFACED DRUNK

they definitely don’t say it a lot and when they do it’s in private (even tho everyone knows)

but they really love each other 🥺

LILJI:

jisung and lily is

p o p u l a r

with fans

because fans put together the pieces that jisung had a crush on lily during debut

lily thought it was sweet because jisung was always so cute and young

she saw him as a little kid

they used to not have MANY interactions

she always laughs when jisung is bein funny

and is in AWE of his dancing

he always assures her when she gets upset about her dancing

lilchenji is an ICONIC friendship

they watch a lot of movies together

she’s been on chenjis this and that a few times

remember that live when nomin got all in each other’s faces while chenji just froze and looked at them and then looked at the camera and looked real shocked

she was there and the three of them were like 😶

so yeah when jisung started getting really tall lily was real confused

and then somehow

during go and we go up

jisung started looking different. like. more grown up

and he had more confidence and talked to her more

and lily was like 😳😳

but spoilers so i won’t go too deep into that

they’re really good friends these days tho

the fans LOVE THEM it’s such a popular ship

at the dream shows when they sing bye my first

the song that lily famously LOVES

yknow that one line jisung has where the music goes quiet and he goes

“na geuttaeneun cham eoryeosseo”

blessed line it was beautiful

anyway at the dream show jisung would hold the mic to lily and have her sing the line or they’d duet it

and their eye contact!!!! and lily’s SMILE IS SO BRIGHT

stars in their eyes

um anyway!! they’re great friends nd very shippable for. reasons!

author’s note! i’m also a ‘01 liner! so don’t think it’s weird if i’m writing a jisung romance LMAO or who knows if it’ll be jisung? 👀👀

Across Time || Chapter 23

Fandom: Servamp Ships: KuroMahi (main), LawLicht (side) Characters: Kuro, Mahiru, Hyde, Licht

Summary: Mahiru falls into a well and is taken to a new, fantasy world. He comes across a half-blooded cat demon trapped in a tree. After he frees Kuro, he helps him collect the shards of the sacred jewel. (KuroMahi, InuYasha AU)

Ch.1 || Ch.2 || Ch.3 || Ch.4 || Ch.5 || Ch.6 || Ch.7 || Ch.8 || Ch.9 || Ch.10 || Ch.11 || Ch.12 || Ch.13 || Ch.14 || Ch.15 || Ch.16 || Ch.17 || Ch.18 || Ch.19 || Ch.20 || Ch.21 || Ch.22 || (Ch.23) ||

“It was great to see you again, Uncle Toru. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to come back as often as I said I would. There were a lot more complication than I thought there would be. I have so much to tell you.” Mahiru sat with his uncle at the table with a cup of tea. He didn’t want to leave without speaking with him briefly. His uncle would likely be confused if he woke up to find his cupboard of instant ramen emptied. “Two people have joined us to help collect the jewel shards. They’re good people even if they’re unconventional.”

Mahiru told him about the demons they fought. He tried to keep the more dangerous battles vague so his uncle wouldn’t be overwhelmed and worry about him. “You said there was a version of me in the past. Are you able to speak with your mother too? She died when you were young. It must’ve been difficult for you to get closure since you weren’t able to say goodbye then. You must’ve had a lot of questions for her.”

“Mother has already passed away in that era. Even if she was alive, I wouldn’t be able to ask her the questions I had when I was a kid. Your appearances may be the same but you’re different people.” Mahiru tried to keep his disappointment from showing but he wore a tiny frown. When he saw the concern in his uncle’s eyes, he quickly added: “It’s doesn’t bother me. I’m an adult now.”

“You might think I’m being unreasonable. I know you’re strong and all grown up. I can’t help but worry about you running into fights with demons though.” He had adopted him after his mother’s death and raised him as if he was his own son. Toru took out a photo from his wallet and held it out to Mahiru. “I promised your mother I would take care of you.”

“You don’t have to worry, Uncle. I have Kuro with me and we’ve made a lot of friends on our journey. You’re there to help me in the edo period as well. I’d like to think I inherited my archery skills from you. One of these days, I need to show you how well I can shoot now.” Mahiru reassured him. He looked down at the photo of his mother holding a young toddler.

“It sounds like you’ve gotten a lot closer to Kuro.” Toru glanced to where Kuro was sitting on the couch and glaring at the roomba. His behaviour was like a cat and the sight caused Mahiru to chuckle softly. “I hope he’s more intimidating to other demons than he is with our roomba.”

“He saved me more times than I can count. Kuro is a pacifist but he’ll fight to defend the people he cares for. It’s a trait that I admire.” Mahiru took a sip of his tea. Kuro offered to wait in the living room so he could have time alone with his uncle. He was being considerate and his kindness made Mahiru smile. “We’ve started dating but we haven’t had a chance to go out on a proper date. Maybe after this is over.”

“What are you planning to do once you’ve completed your task?” He asked but Mahiru couldn’t answer him because he didn’t have an answer. Kuro had become important to him and Mahiru couldn’t simply go back to his old life without him. Then again, it would be complicated to go back and forth between their two eras. He hadn’t been able to give it much thought since he had to worry about other things.

“Well, it would be nice to take Kuro a movie theater. I want to see what kind of reaction he would have to it.” Mahiru looked down at the photo and thought over his uncle’s words. His eyes widened when he noticed a small detail in the picture. “This necklace! It’s the same as the one in Misono’s vision and the secret to defeating him. Uncle, do you know what this necklace is?”

His outburst caught Kuro’s attention and he walked into the kitchen. They were both a little confused when Toru fell silent. A furrow formed between his uncle’s brows when Mahiru pointed to the necklace. “That red pendent? But that’s…”

“Misono said that it could be the key to defeating the spider demon. I don’t know if it’s the same one but they’re remarkably similar. I was going to ask the Toru of the past about it but this might be it. Do you still have the necklace, Uncle?” Mahiru asked. He didn’t know why his father would be secretive about the necklace. “It might not be the same but I want to check.”

Toru let out a heavy sigh and walked to the living room. They followed him to the memorial they had built for his mother. He opened a drawer and pulled out the necklace. “Your father gave your mother this necklace. He said that it was a family heirloom. She never wore it when they dated but, after you were born, she wore it every day.”

“It’s beautiful.” Mahiru took the necklace into his palm. “The pendent is shaped like an arrowhead but it looks fragile. What is it made of?”

“I always thought that it was simple silver and gold like most jewellery.” He answered. Kuro leaned over Mahiru’s shoulder to study the pendent. He didn’t find anything strange or unique about it. He wasn’t the most knowledgeable about artifacts and sacred items. Hopefully, someone will recognize it when they take it back to the past with them.

“This belonged to my father before he gave it to Mom?” He stared into the red pendent. Mahiru rarely thought of his father but there were still questions he had. He met his uncle in the past and he knew his mother also lived in that time. Could he meet his father as well?

“This is a phoenix amber.” Licht told them when they returned and showed him the necklace. He held it up to the sun and the translucent stone refracted the rays. “There are small nicks on the stone so someone shaped it into a triangle rather than forming naturally. Phoenix amber holds magical properties but we rarely use it in weapons. Mahiru, can I see that arrow you made with the tree?”

Mahiru didn’t know what he intended to do but he passed him the arrow. He broke off the stone arrowhead and then tied the pendent to the tip. “I don’t know as much about making weapons as my friend but he told me a lot about sacred stones. Shot a demon with this phoenix amber and they’ll be consumed by flames.”

“The Thousand Years Old Tree can manipulate time. What will happen if those two abilities are combined?” Mahiru asked as he took the arrow back from him. He rolled the wooden shaft between his fingers. “This can be the weapon that Misono told us about but I don’t know. In the memory, she simply wore it as a necklace. Should we go back to the inn to speak with Misono about it?”

“I think it’s best if we avoid Touma and people connected to him until we’re strong enough to fight him. That means we can’t kick every demon we pass, Angel Cakes.” Hyde said pointedly to the demon slayer. For his comment, Licht shoved him off Kirara’s back and lightly nudged it forward. “Hey, don’t leave me behind!”

“I don’t know why Kirara let you ride her.” Licht glared at him. He had to question why he let the demon sit behind him. He told himself that the journey would be more difficult if Hyde had to walk. Kirira turned around and licked Hyde’s hair. He was surprised by how attached his pet had become to the oni since he had trained it to fight demons.

“Can we go a mile without you two fighting? We won’t buy snacks at the next stop if you two don’t behave.” Mahiru warned them and waved the arrow at them. He replaced the sacred arrow into his quiver and tucked it into a hidden pocket. He knew he had to use the arrow sparingly. “I sense a shard ahead of us. What’s in that direction, Kuro?”

He glanced over his shoulder to Kuro who had a map. Instead of reading the map, Kuro sniffed the air. “I smell salt water. We’re approaching the sea. I hope a sea demon doesn’t have the jewel since none of us can fight well in the water. Hyde, you said that there was an island we should visit. Is it nearby?”

“It’s close to the coast so we’ll be able to get a jewel shard and the ability to break a barrier at the same time. Our luck might be improving finally.” Hyde told them as he climbed back onto Kirara. “Misono said Touma has a barrier around his castle. I don’t know how much we can trust that mirror demon but Touma is the type of spider who keeps himself hidden behind a barrier while other does his work. During my travels, I heard of an island of bat demons who can create barriers.”

“They’re the guardians of a remote island. My family visited their nest once but we decided not to kill them. The bats are peaceful and they stay on their land.” Licht recalled. “They have the ability to create and manipulate barriers but I doubt they’ll teach us how to break them. None of us has the same powers as a bat demon.”

“The tessaiga does.” Hyde words confused Mahiru and Licht.

On the other hand, Kuro lowered his foot to the ground and forced the bike to a stop. “No.”

Tension thickened the air around them as Mahiru looked between the brothers. He didn’t know why Hyde’s suggestion was upsetting to Kuro. It was rare that Kuro became angry or argued with others. The brothers were mending the past rift between them and Mahiru didn’t want them to fight again. Kuro rarely used the sword after he used it to stop his father.

Mahiru tried to reason with Hyde. “I know the tessaiga is strong but it’s made from a nekomata’s fang. How can it use a technique only bat demons know?”

“The tessaiga has the ability to absorb its wielder power to become stronger. You have seen it, Mahiru. Kuro can use shadow and ash with the tessaiga but Tsubaki turns the blade red with blood. For me, the tesssaiga becomes gold and it can create spikes.” Hyde explained.

“So, the tessaiga will gain the ability to control barriers if a demon bat holds it. I don’t think we should give the sword to a stranger though. Kuro’s mother made it.” Mahiru understood why Kuro wouldn’t agree with Hyde’s plan. He stayed silent behind him and Mahiru placed a comforting hand on his back. He could feel how stiff he was beneath his palm.

“I wasn’t suggesting that.” Hyde corrected him. “As you know, the tessaiga will always revert back to a dull blade once we stop fighting. Our father found a way to permanently use a demon’s unique power. Tessaiga’s wielder must kill a demon and let the blade absorb their blood. I don’t like the thought of killing someone either but we’ll be able to save more lives by defeating Touma.”

“No.” Kuro repeated firmly. Before he met Mahiru, he never thought he would use the sword again and sealed it away. Then Mahiru showed him that he could use the power to protect others. He decided to only use the tessaiga for the sake of those he loved. The guilt and pain of killing his father still affected him and he never want to experience it again.

Silence fell between the brothers but Licht could see that Hyde wanted to say something else. He bit his tongue out of respect for his brother. He didn’t know if they had the time to search for another way to destroy the barrier. Each day Touma’s web grew and they would be caught soon. He looked down at the wind tunnel he was cursed with. He didn’t want something similar to happen to his family.

“Let’s focus on finding the jewel shards for now.” Mahiru broke the silence. He understood Hyde’s urgency to stop Touma but it wasn’t right to pressure Kuro to relive something painful. “We’ll deal with Touma’s shield later. There must be another way past it rather than brute force. Between a priest, a monk and a demon slayer, we have a lot of knowledge about barriers.”

Their attention was drawn away when they heard a group of people ahead of them. Mahiru stepped off his bike and walked it towards the noise. A parade of people was walking across the beach with a palanquin. He could see a faint glow through the curtain, a shard. The people appeared to be human and he hoped they wouldn’t have to fight anyone.

He overheard a few of the villagers nearby. “Do you think the child sacrifice will appease the sea demon? The storms have been worsening every night. At least this is our chance to be rid of that demon child.”

After he heard those words, Mahiru dropped his bike and ran down the hill to the beach. The person in the palanquin was most likely the child they said would be sacrificed. He couldn’t let the child be taken. He thought he could stop the villagers by offering to fight the demon for them. “Please stop! You can’t sacrifice a child.”

“What? Who are you?” The man leading the group paused at the sound of Mahiru’s voice. They stopped long enough for him to stand in front of them and block their path. A few of the men gave him a glare while others stared at him in confusion. Mahiru stood with his back straight and he ignored their distrust. “Get out of the way.”

“I heard you were planning to give a child to the sea demon but that’s barbaric! It’s wrong to abandon a child, let alone sacrifice them! You’re all adults so you should be protecting vulnerable children.” Mahiru knew that the feudal era was much different from his time and they had their own beliefs and traditions. He had to rescue the child though. “My friends and I will deal with that sea demon for you. Just let the child go.”

“One man cannot defeat the sea demon. We need to take the sacrifice to the temple before the sun sets or else there will be another attack. Get out of our way!” The man tried to strike Mahiru but Kuro grabbed the staff before he could be hurt. “A demon! He must be working with the sea spirit!”

The people started to panic and they dropped the palanquin in their haste to run away from Kuro. He sighed and ignored their reaction to walk to the carriage. Mahiru was already next to the palanquin and he parted the curtain. The child appeared unhurt by the fall but she didn’t try to leave the box. He spoke in a gentle voice, “It’s okay, Little One. We’re not going to hurt you.”

The girl held a red orb in her hands with a coral inside. He could see that a jewel shard was placed in a crack on the orb’s surface. Mahiru knew the jewel shard was important but he was more concerned with helping the child. He held out his hand to her. “The villagers are gone so you can come out. I won’t let them give you to the sea demon to be sacrificed.”

“Can you tell us more about the sea demon? With those villagers gone, there’s no one else to ask.” Kuro stood next to Mahiru. He could see that the child was half demon. “Where are your parents?”

“Papa!” She cheered the moment she saw him. Kuro and Mahiru were both confused as she jumped towards him. He caught her so she wouldn’t fall and she smiled up at him. “Shiro knew you would come back for her, Papa.”

“Papa? I don’t know who you confused me for but I’m not him. Your parents are probably worried so let’s go find them.” Kuro tried to place her on the ground but then she began to cry. She refused to let him go and clung to his leg. He awkwardly patted her head and hoped she would stop. He didn’t know what he should do and looked to Mahiru for help.

Mahiru knelt next to the girl and placed his hand on her shoulder. A barrier suddenly came between them and he was forced to step back. Due to the sand, he lost his balance and he fell backwards. Kuro started to go to Mahiru to help him but he was stopped by the barrier. He felt a light tug on his jacket and he groaned slightly. He looked back to the child. She had a right grip on this clothes. “Papa, don’t go again. The human will hurt you.”

“Mahiru won’t hurt me.” He said but she shook her head frantically. Since he was half demon as well, he could imagine why she was wary of humans. Kuro laid his hand on the barrier. He was surprised by the strength of the barrier and he knew he wouldn’t be able to break it easily. Mahiru placed his hand over Kuro’s on the barrier. He was searching for a way past the barrier as well.

“Are you trying to steal my Papa?” She stood between Mahiru and Kuro.

Kuro sighed and thought of what he should say to make her lower the barrier. He knelt in front of her and said: “If I’m your Papa, that man is your other dad. While I was away, I married that man. He makes the best food so you’ll like him.”

He waited to see her reaction and he hoped that the believed him. The barrier disappeared and she ran to Mahiru for a hug. “Papa number two!”

“Well, this is going to be troublesome.” Kuro said as he stood. “What are we going to do now?”

Don’t stop me now part 5

Roger Taylor x Reader

Warning: swearing, angst, secrets

Comment: I know Brian, and Roger had kids at this time, but in my storyline they are not just kidless, but singles too.

May 1982

It is the first concert of the year, and the last for two months in England. You have some hours before the show starts, when you just get there, and you are so excited to speak with Roger. You meet up with Brian in the hallway as you are about to open the changing room’s door.

You open it, and your heart stop. There is a girl kissing... Roger. Your brain stops funtioning for a second, than as Roger gets out of her arms, and start to run trowards you, you shot the door in his face. “Brian take me away from here please!” You mumble almost running out of the building. “Please I need to get away from here, Oh god I’m going to vomit!” You try to breath deep, but as you get to Brian’s car you just vomit in the grass.

“Are you alright?” He asks, with a worried face.

“Yeah, just get in the car and go away from here!” You say and sit in the car. He drives as you asked him, you try to keep your tears inside, but after five minutes they are just getting to the surface and you start sobbing. Sobbing what quickly turns into full on crying. Brian stops on the side of the road, and looks at you.

“Ssh, we don’t know what happend!” He smooths out some hair from your face.

“I saw it, you saw it what else you want to know?” You sob.

“I don’t know, but don’t jump to the conclusion too fast!” He tries to calm you, but it is like a kiss to the death. Helpless.

“Brian, I’m pregnant!” You cry out.

“What?” He looks at you in shock.

“I’m pregnant!” You answer.

“You are kidding!” His face tells everything.

“Now I wish!” You mumble. Your happy news get into something so other in a minute. “I came from the doctor!”

“Are you for real?” He asks, but without waiting for your answer he hugs you.

“Please take me home... I mean to Roger’s house!” You wipe off some tears.

“Don’t do anything hasty!” He says while he starts the car.

“Brian, please take me there!” You whin and stay silent for the rest of the drive. When he stop you kiss his cheek. “Thank you, please don’t tell him! Please!”

“You want to tell him?” He asks.

“Yeah...” you mumble as you close the door. “If I tell him.”

You run in the house and pack your most important stuffs. Your favorite clothes, your pillow you only brought from your old apartment, the pregnancy test you first toke a week ago and your money and papers. You put the shirt you first stole from him on the counter with a letter on it, that has the following on it:

“I loved you, believed in you beside everyones premonition, I stayed with you. It was my mistake, sorry for draging you into something you are not ready for. I should’ve known, I should’ve stay away from you, but I felt for you old man. It’s late to forget what I’ve seen. I know you need to fly away tomorrow, so I guess it is the best to keep a little bit of distance between us. Maybe if you got back we can speak, but right now, I’m heart broken, and can’t deal with it.

Forever your baby girl,

Y/N.”

You left, put your keys where you first find them, and walk away. You were walking hours with your big bag, crying your eyes out in the closest park, before you get into a diner and eat. You were hopeless, wasn’t sure about the next steps, but you had a reason to pick yourself up from the floor. You get to the public phone and you called.

“Hallo?” He picks it up.

“Fred, can you pick me up? Can I stay at your house?” You say between sobbing.

“Honey, you really left him?” He asks.

“I need time, I wrote to him!” You nod.

“I know! Where are you?” He asks.

After you gave him your adress it wasn’t even 15 minutes and he was there with his neightbor. Oh well yeah, you called your only friend who can’t drive.

When you finally get to his house you thank Greta for driving you here, and walk in with your best friend.

“Now, darling tell me what happend!” He sits you on his couch.

“Like you haven’t heard it!” You bury your face into your palms.

“I want to hear your version!” He slicks your back.

“Then I start with something earlier on the day. I just came out of the doctors office, still in shock, happy, excited, suprised, ride to the concert just to tell my boyfriend that I’m pregnant...” you say, but he cuts you off.

“You said what darling?” He looks at you in disbelief.

“I said, I wanted to tell my boyfriend I’m pregnant, but open the door on him kissing with an another girl!” You answer.

“Come here, come here!” Pulls Freddie in his arms, as you start to cry putting your hand on your stomach he continues. “You really are with child!” He mumbles in your hair.

You nod with tears in your eyes. “I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to speak with him not about this not about the girl, not about anything!” You hide your face again in your hands.

“You haven’t told him?”

“No, we did not spoke since than, and I’m not even sure I want him to know!” You answer.

“Don’t want to tell him?” He looks at you like you gone mad, maybe you did.

“No I don’t! I don’t want to see him now, and if a tell him it changes the situation. Until we don’t speak he can’t use it against me!” You feel the plan working out in your head. “You need to respecte my decision, if I want to raise this child alone, I will!”

“There is planty of time to decide that, but I understand you want to rule your life!” He says. “You can stay as long as you need, alone or even with your child, but I want you to be sure about your decision, and eventually you need to tell him!”

“Eventually!” You nod.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was already one month in touring when you pick up Freddie’s daily call. “Darling! Have you eaten enough?” He asks as always. As he knew about your eating disorder from the past he asked you everyday since he find out you were pregnant. You still couldn’t believe you are 13 weeks pregnant now. You had a little bump now, as you are eating more than usual, but it was alright, you wanted this baby to be healthy.

“Yes mamma I did!” You roll your eyes.

“How are my kids?” He asks, and you can’t keep the smile back.

“Clingy, all of them wants the bump!” You giggle.

“Believe me, if I would be there you couldn’t get me away from there too!” He says and you realise how he chooses his words.

“Roger is there am I right?” You ask.

“You are always right Darling!” Comes from Freddie.

“Then I think I should go, we speak tomorrow! Love you mom!” You giggle.

“Love you my sweet daugther!” He says before cutting the line.

You pet Miko in your lap, while you can’t stop looking at your belly. I baby, a child. You are going to be a mother. It was something you wanted, and even wanted more when you saw your sister becoming one, and now you have it, just most likely without a father.

Roger’s point of view:

He haven’t spoken with you in a month now and was eager to speak with you about that stupid kiss, but wanted to wait until you want to speak with him. He knew Fred spoke with you everyday, but you never asked for him, or messaged him even once. So he kept silent about it.

He hated himself for letting that young girl kiss him, you just get in the second she kissed him, and he had no chance to speak with you, before you packed your stuff and moved to Fred.

Yes, he knew he messed up, but realised he needs noone else, but you. Not like before that he didn’t knew this, but he was stupid enough to let it happen. He hated to be far away for so long from you, mostly because he couldn’t say good night to you everynight, like last year. He finally understood why John loved, and hated touring in the same time.

He didn’t felt like himself, he wanted to be with you, but in the other hand he wanted to give you some space. If he would’ve seen you kissing some random man, he would be upset too. He was thorn apart from his own feelings and decisions, he wanted the best for you two, but hated the feeling of it, but mostly was afraid you will be done with him after the tour, even you mentioned in your letter that later you want to speak.

Two months is a long time, even after almost two years of being together. Oh God, how much he hated himself for ruining it, for hurting you. He was reading your letter everynight before sleeping, and missed you from his arms, with tears in his eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your point of view:

You would go for Fred, if you would have your license, but you liked your bike more and never learned to drive, beside when Roger tried to teach you, but that was totally illegal, so you still couldn’t pick him up, even you could drive there. And in the other hand you didn’t wanted to run into Roger. He did not called you once in the time he was gone, and you didn’t wanted him to spot your bump.

The front door opened and you see Freddie coming in with all of his stuff. As your eyes meet up he runs to you, and hugs you tight. You can see how suprised he is about the bump in his way. 18 weeks, still feels like a dream. “You look stunning!” He looks you up and down, and put his hand on your belly.

“You look stunning too, but tried more likely!” You laugh.

“You speak about me being tired? I’m not the one who grows a human inside her body, and yet I look more tired than you!” He laugh, and you pick up one of his bags. “Are you kidding me? Put that down!”

“Fred, I can walk with it in the house! Don’t make me mad!” You say and just simply run away from him.

“Woman! Put it down!” He yells after you. When he finally makes it to the living room you are already sitting on the couch. “That is what I want to see!” He nods.

“So I should look after a new home?” You giggle.

“Why, darling?” He sits next to you.

“I can’t sit on my ass for the next 22 weeks!” You giggle putting your head on his shoulder. “Oh God how much I missed you guys!” You mumble.

“We missed you too! All of us!” He smooths your hair.

“Yeah, I can guess!” You laugh bitter sweet.

“Hey, he is not even himself! He missed you the most I’m sure, love!” He holds your hand to comfort you.

“Just leave it, if he misses me he will show up, if not he won’t, or atleast not for me!” You start sobbing again.

“You still don’t want to tell him?” He asks.

“I won’t tell him on phone, and if he shows up he will see it, I’m huge!” You giggle.

“You are not huge, darling!” He chuckles.

“I’m defenetly bigger than when he left!” You answer with a smile on your face, fingers drumming on your stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Roger’s point of view:

He was home three days now, and still couldn’t step infront of you, even he missed you so much, he couldn’t put his thoughts together, and was deeply afraid you never want to see him again.

He just walked in John’s home as he took one of his bag home accidentally, now he was about to give it back. “Hi Roger!” Says Veronica, and as she sees his face she continues. “You did not speak with my sister, am I right?” She had her daugther on her side, and sent the boys into their room to play there. It was a little off, but Roger didn’t really cared about anything nowdays. “You should, you really should!”

“Hi, Buddy!” John laps his back as he walks behind him. “You should come with me, I’m just about to go to Fred!” He says. “Veronica is right, you really should speak with your girl!”

“I’m not sure she is my girl anymore!” Roger whins.

“Ooh she is!” Says Deacy almost giggling, and Veronica is smiling at him. What the hell is wrong with this family? “You want to go with my car, or yours?”

“Mine!” He shouts, and kisses Veronica on the cheek. “Than I see you later!”

“See you later big boy!” She giggles as the two of them walk out of the house and get to the car.

John sits in silence, until Roger breaks it with his question. “Did you see her?”

“Yes!” Nods Deac.

“And?” Roger asks impatiently.

“And what?” Comes the question back. “You want to know that she looks that miserable like you or not?” Roger does not deny, so he continues. “She looks great... Oh God don’t feel sorry for yourself, you will see her, and everything will fall into place!” Roger tries to understand the undertune of Deacy’s words, but he has no time as they arrive to Freddie.

John opens the door, and let Roger go first, he goes slowly like something is holding him back. As they are walking to the living room he can’t walk anymore when he hears your voice, it was so long ago, he missed it so much. “Tiger? Really? I mean it is better than yesterday’s Frederick, but still I’m glad he is not your son!” You giggle.

“You heard her little one, it is better, that means it will grow on her!” Roger hears Freddie, but his words... they are not making any sence.

“I have enough time to name this little drummer!” You giggle, and Roger just freezes more at this point.

“He is really like his father?” Chuckles Fred.

“If it means that his first kicks were during we listened to I’m in love with my car, than yeah like father like son!” Roger’s heart stops for a moment, as you end your sentence. John pushes him and there he stands in the door of the living room. You look up, as he almost falls on his face, and his eyes are wide open, gazing on you. “Hi!” You only can say this.

Your point of view:

You sit on the couch with your hand on your bump, casually joking around with Fred, who today decided to call your unborn child Tiger. “If it means that his first kicks were during we listened to I’m in love with my car, than yeah like father like son!” You answer his question with a smirk on your face. It was really something that felt like Roger, that really make you feel like this is your son with him. You turn your head up as you hear loud steps, and see Roger almost falling in the door steps. “Hi!” You mumble, not able to say something else.

“Hi!” His eyes are wide open, gazing between your face and your bump, what is covered with one of your hand. You have a tight dress on, so it is easy to spot the difference in your appearance.

“John, can you help me find Miko?” Asks Fred.

“He is there,next to her!” Answers Roger so blase, pointing to the cat.

“Than Goliath,please!” You can see his hands moving so much as he tries to make something up, as he walks away. Now it is just you and Roger in the room.

“You look great...” he mumbles hobbleing in your way.

“You look exhausted...” you stutter.

“I am... I missed you...” he rushes his shaking hand trought his dark blonde hair, before he falls on his knees just in front of you. You close your eyes, trying not to let the tears falling down. “Is he...?” He puts his hand on your stomach.

“Yes, defenetly a Taylor, drumming on my kidney just as his father!” You’re already sobbing, you can’t help it.

“Why did you not tell me?” He says, and you open your eyes to find his, full of tears.

“I wanted... I was just about to tell you at the concert...”

“Oh God...” he cuts in.

“Then I felt like it would be unfair with you to drag you into something, you visibly don’t want anymore...” you wishper, staring the nothing infornt of you.

“Hey, Hey I want it!” He pinches your jaw. “I was a dick for letting that girl kissing me even for a second, but I promise you nothing else happend!” He kisses your forhead.

“I know... John told me a million times by now!” You rush your fingers trought your hair. “But if you really would’ve wanted to clear it, you would’ve called me, or came here first...”

“I wanted to give you space as you asked, I thought you wanted this, and didn’t wanted to make you more angry at me... it was the worst two months of my life...baby girl I don’t want to loose you.” He sits next to you, his hand is on your bump. “Or my son!” You cry out on his last words. You knew it all along, you had no doubt about it, but to hear it from his mouth, to hear him speaking about your child. “And to be fair, I wasn’t aware of that I’m missing out on such important moments of our life!” You lean into his arms, and he holds you so close. “Oh how much I missed you little girl! Are you still mad about the kiss?”

“No, but I still don’t want to drag you into this, you can leave!” You sniff.

“Hey, I don’t want to go.” He smooths out some hair from your face, than pulls away and looks in your eyes suprised, as the thoughs are crossing his mind. “If I don’t come here when did you planed to tell me?”

“I didn’t, unless you want to speak with me, I wouldn’t told you!” You nod.

“Why?” He feels hurten.

“Because I didn’t wanted to be a dead weight on you. I’m able to raise a child alone, I’m able to live without you even if that hurts!” You sniff a little more.

“You never thought I would be happy about it?” He asks.

“At first, but after the kiss, I just felt it is something you wouldn’t want to have in your life!” You whisper.

“Oh Silly girl, you should’ve ask me first!” He really sounds like on old man speaking with a young girl. “I want you, if you can forgive me, I want you, and our child. Shit, our son...” he looks genuinely excited.

“You want to be part of our life?” You ask suprised, you had these thoughs in your mind, what were totally false.

“I’m sad I wasn’t in the last two months!” He mumbles, and you see how tears are about to fall.

“I’m sorry, I was stupid too...” you wishper. “I should’ve told you even if you don’t want us... I was selfish...” you bury your face in his neck, as reality hits you. You made everyone be quiet about it, just to be selfish, even Roger had the right to know about it.

“Maybe a little, but we can say it is because you are young...” he teases you, and it feels so fucking right.

“I’m 26... mother to be...” you give him an indignant look.

“You should grow up now!” He kisses you chuckling.

“I should!” You giggle into his mouth. “As you should too Daddy!”

“Fuck, I can’t believe it!” He mumbles. “I’m going to be a dad...”

“Yes, old man!” You giggle. “Bet you weren’t sure the boys are still working!”

“Hey, I’m not that old!” He hugs you so close, tickling your neck with his kisses. You screamingly laugh in his arms, again. You see the flashing again from the side, and you realise Fred and John came back.

“What? You were screaming!” Puts his hands up the one with the mustache as you turn with madish eyes.

“And you came to photograph my murder?” You raise an eyebrow at him.

“Hoped you two just doing what before!” He winks at you. “And Tiger needs pictures about you two where none of you are naked!”

“Tiger?” Roger looks at you almost laughing.

“Tiger!” You roll your eyes.

“Roger, could you drive me home?” Asks Deacy so shy you almost laugh.

“You weren’t about to come here!” Roger looks at him in disbelief. “You bastard!”

“You wouldn’t get your shit together!” he smiles at you two.

“You needed the shy, less pushing person to push you to come here?” Your jaw drops open.

“He was so blue, he couldn’t even think, even your sister could see it!” Comes John in to rescue.

“You always have a shield in him!” You poke Roger. “The first thing he told me, was it wasn’t your fault!”

“You can guess why he is one of my best friends!” He looks at Deacy like he wants to write a poem for him. “I owe him my life, I guess, if he is not around I loose you and my son too!”

“If he doesn’t find my sister you never know me!” You giggle.

“So if you owe me so much, could you take me home?” Says Deacy.

“Take this old dad home!” You push him off the couch.

“Do you want me to come back?” Wishpers Roger as he kisses you gentle, before you nod.

“Welcome to the club, man!” You hear as John pats his shoulder as they walk out.

You get ready for bed, shower and get on a t-shirt. You sit back next to Freddie as he sits there in his robe.

“Exciting day!” He says letting his head fall to the back of the sofa.

“Eventful would I say!” You curl up in this lap.

“Are you staying here, love?” He mumbles into your hair as he plays with it.

“I don’t know, we just spoke for the first time in two months, we forgiven eachother, but should I?” You stutter. “I mean, I have his child under my heart, but should I just run back to him?”

“You know you can stay here as long as you want to, but you know that he needs to be a part of Tiger’s life if he wants to!”

“I know, and I don’t want to close him out, I guess we are fine now...” you curl up more as he kisses the top of your head.

“Anyways when you move out I will miss you, maybe call you everynight like on the tour, darling!”

“We spendt only the last three days together!” You giggle.

“And I’m already used to cuddleing you!” He holds you closer.

“Me too, Fred! Me too!” You nod, and you already feel your dreams calling for you, and that he plays with your hair does not help. He starts to croon spread your wings still smoothing your hair, and you knew you lost this battle already.

You wake up in Roger’s arm as he takes you to your room. He looks nervous as you peek from behind your eyelashes. “I can fell you woke up little girl!” He quirks without looking down on you.

“You can put me down, I know I’m heavy!” You grimace.

“You are still not heavy enough!” He remarks a little mad.

“Hey! Mommy Fred made sure everyday I had been eating enough!” You speak back sleepisly.

“I heard that! Still will watch you eat, it is not a game anymore!” He puts you down on the bad, and you automaticly sit up.

“It was never a fucking game Roger! But believe me or not I want the best for my child so I had been trying my best to eat more and more!” You are angry now, even you just woke up. “But please tell me it was just a game in my life, and please tell me that I would risk my son’s life just to fill up that part of me that tells me always I’m too big, and I will walk you to the door without a doubt!” Your words are sharp, and even you say them they ate cutting too deep in you.

“I never said it was just a game!” He wishpers.

“But you think it was just that! No it wasn’t! Yes I still saw myself fat when we get together! Yes I needed time to get with it, and yes it could’ve been back, but I always wanted a family, and nothing could be more important than that!” You mumble madly.

“Love, calm down...”

“No!” You get out of his arms. “I can’t do this, if you look at me as a kid who plays a game with food!”

“I’m not, little girl!” He gets after you and grabs you into his arms. “I just want to make sure you eat enough! Nothing more! You were still light in my arms, I get afaird I admit it, sorry!” He mumbles into your hair. “I know how hard it was for you, never thought it was just a game!”

“Good!” You start to cry, from nowhere, or you had the right? You couldn’t say the hormones made you so moody.

“Hey, Hey baby girl What’s up? I made you cry?” He smooths your hair as you turn to him. He sits down with you in his lap and you immediately curl up in his arms.

“I don’t know! Now days I fucking don’t know!” You wishper into his shoulder.

“Ssshhh, ssshhh!” He slicks your hair more, and tries to comfort you. “It’s okay! It’s okay! You are growing a human inside you, the hormones are making your feelings extreme!”

“Did you really think I wouldn’t eat enough now risking our son’s life?” You cry out. It hurts more than anything.

“No! Babe, look at me!” He backs up a little bit, and pinches your jaw to make you look in his ocean eyes. “You are so fucking tiny, and light. I just don’t know... I don’t even know how far you are now, but I was away for two months and you almost weight the same... it just scared me!”

“18 weeks!” It just falls out of your mouth.

“What?”

“Yeah, I find it out later than most of the people...” you admit. “As unregular my period was I wasn’t concerned about being pregnant until I started to fell sick, to crave things, and to hate your cologne!”

“You do?”

“It makes me sick to my stomach!” You nod as you put your head back on his chest. “But the doctor said I weight normal, look healthy,and our son is doing great. He knows about my eating disorder, I told him!” You still have a little sharp in your words.

“I didn’t said you look unhealthy! Oh Babe, I’m sorry I didn’t wanted to make you cry, or feel like I don’t believe in you! I do!” He pulls you even closer and you try to calm down. It is hard, but you try your best. “I want to be with you, not against you!”

“I would like that too!” You wishper into his skin as his shirt is unbuttoned at the top as always. “I want it to work beside the fact both of us had mistakes.”

“Me too!” He smooths your hair as you start to fall asleep again. “Sleep little girl, sleep!”

~~~~~~~~~

Roger tried to spend most of his time at Fred’s, as you were not ready to move back in the first minute you two decided to not quit it. He gets there in the night today as he finishes in the studio working on his solo album.

He finds you in Freddie’s arms again, giggling, his hand on your stomach. “Trying to charme my son away?” He enters the room with a smirk on his face.

“He already loves me more, darling!” His laughter fulls the whole room.

“Let Tiger decide about it when he is out!” You get up to hug Roger who raises one eyebrow at you. “What?”

“Tiger?”

“It already grown on her, darling!” Chuckles Fred behind you, and you nod grimacing.

“Really?”

“Maybe...” You wishper, semi-amberessed. “Good night Fred!”

“Good night love birds!” He yells after you as you walk to your room.

“I have the day off tomorrow!” Says Roger as he sits down on the bed. “Don’t you want to come over to swim after two months not being in the pool?”

“To be fair, and to not have any secrets: just two weeks not being in your pool!” You don’t look in his eyes.

“What do you mean?” He looks confused.

“Well, the girls wanted to have a pool party, and the only pool that was available was yours. You left the keys where I put them back, so we let ourself in!” You can’t really look in his eyes. “Elena and Will really wanted revenge so maybe they drank all of your wishky on the four party we had...” you nictate at him, you are not sure he will be angry or will laugh it off.

“So you were at home four times, but when I ask you to come home you refuse?” He asks, but you can’t see anger in his eyes.

“First of all you were not home then and the pool was just calling us, second of all you know I can’t say no to my best friends, and third of all I just want this to work between us, so don’t rush things back in minutes...”

“We are going to be parents little girl, we have not much time before that!” He smooths your hair as you sit in his lap.

“I know, I know... I would love to swim with you tomorrow, maybe fall asleep on the sofa just like two years ago...” you wishper into his neck, while your fingers are playing on his nape with his hair.

“I would really like that!” He kisses your temple. “I really miss you from there baby girl!”

“Have you anything to cook? Or should I stop at Mira before I ride there?” You kiss his cheek.

“You want to ride your bike?” He looks at you in shock.

“I can, until it is not hard for me it is okay!” You say, but he still looks at you weird. “I did asked the doctor, by the way next time do you want to come with me?”

“Ofcourse I want to!” He kisses you pulling you closer.

My sweet perms:

@spacedustmazzello @simply-sams-things

Story tags:

@radio-hoo-ha @jennyggggrrr

everything.

I was working one day, and a boy came in for an interview, already wearing his white polo which i thought was silly. He didn't have the job yet but he came in wearing his uniform. He was so handsome. His hair cut perfectly, his beard groomed so well, he smelled incredible, all the time. (Blue Nautica, i still wear it to this day.), His smile was everything. His eyes were the type you could just stare into and get lost. And the little wrinkles underneath his eyes would pop out when he smiled real big.The moment i saw him, i hoped he would be hired for our store. He was. I was excited. Although i was married, he was nice to look at, he was funny, and he seemed so perfect with his flirtacious ways. I looked forward to my shifts with him. We all got to know him and bits and pieces of his story. He was living at pathway, the sober home for boys. He told us about his drinking problem, and how proud of himself he was for being sober now. That is admirable in my  eyes. The efforts to better your life and overcome an addiction is a great thing. Even more of a turn on, for some reason. There came a point where the flirting got more serious. We made a group chat called "squad" with me, him, and another employee/my best friend. It was an innocent thing at first, just pick up lines, flirting, sending pictures in our underwear, never too revealing. He would compliment me and her, and it made us feel good. I wasn't complimented by my husband, i wasnt given attention anymore. I craved it, and this boy gave me exactly what i was looking for. Eventually we started seeing him out of work. He came to a birthday party for my best friends child. He was so good with all of the kids. Mine as well. He was so good with her. I took videos of him playing with her, teaching her how to blow a flute and bubbles. The joy i captured in these videos was amazing, and i still have those videos to this day. That is one thing i can't bring myself to ever get rid of. I remember standing with him outside my car after the party, and our innocent flirting made me so happy and feel so good. This man was perfect. Over the summer we did so much together. From going to Litz almost daily, to hanging out in my friend's apartment, we would stay out all night sometimes. The flirting got really overwhelming between us three at one point. I didn't want to cheat on my husband, even though i knew i wasn't happy in my marriage and didn't want to be with him. I told this boy flat out he would be better off getting with my friend. So he did, that same night. I remember knowing that he was going over there, and i was a mixture of jealous and upset for sure. But what right did i have? I was married..and i told him to go for it with her. They did. The next day i picked her up to go to the mall, and at first she told me nothing happened. It wasn't until we got to the mall that she spilled all the details to me. She and him did hook up. But, he made her promise not to tell me, because he didn't want me to know. She was a good friend to be truthful with me. As for him, i was salty towards him. "Friends dont lie" was our saying for a while. We went to Litz that day and i couldn't help but be rude as hell to him until he admitted it to me. He did, and i let it go because again, i told him to do it. We went for ice cream together that night, and he bought my daughter her first ice cream cone and boy, was it messy. They shared a shake, i took pictures of that too. I loved watching him with my Daughter. It gave me hope that maybe i could still be happy, without her father. He and I hungout alone next. We brought my daughter to gilman. We had so much fun, and trust me, i took pictures then too. So did he. See, thats one thing i really loved about him. He would always capture beautiful moments between me and my daughter. Something nobody else has ever done, and still doesn't to be honest.  When i dropped him off to his sober house, he kissed me. It was amazing. It felt RIGHT. and when we finished kissing, the guy that runs the house was right at my passenger window, watching and waiting for us to be done. How embarassing, right? Yet i drove away with such a big smile. Since then, our relationship kept growing. I loved it. He would always send me cute songs, and i would send him songs back. That was an all the time thing for us. Anytime we thought of eachother, wed make sure the other knew. Out of all the songs, we really stuck to "The way" by Mac Miller and Ariana grande. I loved it, especially because those are my two favorite artists. He had a ton of love for Mac Miller and Ariana Grande. Did i mention he bought me a ticket to see Ariana Grande for my birthday? It was an incredible experience. We started spending every day and night together. I would hangout hangout with him, then id drop my daughter off to her father and go back out for the night. We would always have a good time. I remember we were in my friends parking lot for HOURS, listening to music, playing Uno, shooting these cool things in the sky that would glow. I wanted to show off and do some gymnastics..so i stupidly, took off my shoes for some reason, and did a round off barefoot in the parking lot. I broke my foot that night, but that  didn't stop us from going to price chopper while im hopping sround on one leg because it was probably midnight when i broke my foot and didn't want to go to the hospital. Price chopper was our spot. We even had our own spot we would park. It was 24 hrs, so we would just go play hide and seek in there. We would sit in the parking lot for hours, and just talk and kiss. It felt so right. He was perfect. He was everything i ever wanted. Eventually, he moved onto a new apartment for sober boys. He had his own room and more freedom then. So, i helped him move in. I organized all his things, all his clothes, i got him comfortable there. It was now our spot. We would go there, lay in bed and tell each other stories about ourselves. He told me about his alcoholism, and how he was arrested once because he gave his mother a ride and she had heroin in the vehicle. He told me how she was an addict, and how much he hated heroin and thought it was disgusting. I agreed. Heroin is a drug i can never understand. Why would anyone ever want to shove a needle in themselves and risk dying every single time? It makes no sense. And he agreed with me. He told me that his sister basically took care of him. He loved her. He would always tell me about her. To this day, i would have loved to meet her. We tried once, but i will get to that part. I left my husband september 2nd. I knew what i had with this boy was real, and i was so happy. Happiest ive been in so long. It was a hard, and lifechanging decision i made. I now had to move out of the house we bought, i had to leave all my stuff behind, including my dogs. That killed me. But i knew it was the right decision. I was unhappy for so long, and this boy showed me that there is more to life, and that i didn't have to settle. It was hard for a while, i was scared for a long time. I'll admit, i did go back and forth between my husband and him for a little while. But i knew what i WANTED, and it was him. It was always him, from the second he came into my life. There was so much about this boy that i loved. He was the best, and i truly mean that. He was always there for me. He worked three jobs, and still made time for me. He seemed to have his life together, and i could see myself building a future with him. Things started to change, but they weren't even really big changes. So i thought nothing of it. He stopped working his third job first. But who cared? He still had two jobs. He was still great. He used to spend a lot of money on scratch tickets, that was a big addiction of his. But he would ALWAYS WIN! I swear he had the best luck, he would win $500 so often it was crazy! Another addction he had, was shoes. Ive never seen a man have so many fricken shoes. He was a pretty boy, and ALWAYS looked and smelled so good. I loved that. Sometimes i feel like we were together forever, but looking back, it was such a short time before things started going wrong. He had these pains in his stomach, so i sat with him at the hospital while he was monitored. They gave him morphine to ease his pain. And he ended up getting a few prescriptions. Nothing crazy, they didn't give him any opiods or anything. But the night after, he called me. He sounded fucked up. He wouldn't like, speak to me. The things he was saying made no sense at all, and he sounded very out of it. I asked if he smoked weed, he said no. I asked if he drank, he said no. He said "the lady on the bike gave him some pills" and i was crying, begging him to tell me what he took. Eventually after screaming and crying his name, he snapped back into reality. He swears he never did any drugs that night, but i know how he was acting. I didn't think much into it, probably because i didn't want to believe he would do something like that. I held a grudge for a couple days, and id always randomly ask about that night, hoping one day he would tell me the truth. He never did admit anything about that night. But i know. He didn't really have any more of those episodes. But he started telling little lies. To me, i feel that everyone lies about something at some point. There are so many things i should have noticed, but i didn't. I'm always going to be mad at myself over it. There were signs. So many signs. And i didn't notice them, until it was too late. He started letting his hair grow out more than normal. He stopped shaving as much. He stopped buying scratch tickets. He lost his second job, and was down to one. It started at the end of september. September 28th, 2019. I went to hyper glow with my friends, and he hungout with a mutual friend, who was a heroin addict. At this point, i still was under the impression this boy was just an alcoholic, so i didn't think much into him hanging out with a junkie. I was wrong. I shouldn't have encouraged him to hangout with the guy. I did. I did that. And i'll HATE myself forever for that. I didn't know yet, but what i'm about to explain next, is the beginning of the truth being exposed. I was at work. So was he. And another coworker on shift with us pulled me aside and asked me what was on his neck, and mentioned that lately he has been acting as if he's on drugs. I didn't even notice his neck. I grabbed him and looked, and i asked what it was. He went from "Its an ingrown hair" to "It must be a zit"..He was very defensive about it. Now, i was worried. How was everyone else noticing these things, but i wasn't? I finally made the decision to reach out to his sister. What she had to say, was something i never expected, and i can still feel the pain, shock, and heartbreak i felt that afternoon. She explained he has been a heroin/crack addict since he was a teenager. He has struggled with addiction his whole life. He was never an alcoholic. How did i not know? How could he lie to me SO much, so in depth? I was shocked. I don't think ive ever cried so hard. My perfect boy was not perfect at all. It was all a lie. EVERYTHING. I confronted him. He tried denying, but he knew i knew the truth now. To be honest, i dont think he's ever told me the truth first time around. I have to keep asking the same question over and over again until he finally tells the truth. Some things even now i don't know if it was true or not. I made the decision to help him. I tried to keep him sober. I did everything. I was with him all the time, really. I kept a close eye on him. So i thought. I seemed to not realize the weight he lost. He had nice love handles when we first started hanging out, he had meat on his bones.  He stopped eating actual food. He was only snacking. I didn't notice. I didn't notice he lost weight, because i was with him 24/7. Thinking back, boy was he so skinny. There were times that he wouldn't answer his phone, and i would panic. Was he okay? Did he relapse? Is he dead in his room right now? I have no way to get up there to save him. I was always terrified. I went to the heroin addicts house and got him to come check on my boy with me. He brought narcan. So, he KNEW that he was using. He knew what we might be walking into. He ended up being "Fine"..He just "knodded off"..which also happens when you do drugs. I was in denial. I wouldn't let mysel believe what was right in front of my eyes. Not yet, anyways. We continued our relationship. We would stay out all night, in the price chopper parking lot. Hell, we made it to planet fitness one night. That was the first night we had sex. We would go swimming at queen lake late at night, we would just drive while he sang to me. Boy i loved the way hed look at me and sing certain verses to me. He made me feel special. I think that overpowered all the bad, and that's why i chose to not believe what was happening. I understood why he didn't tell anyone he was a recovering heroin addict. None of us would have given him a chance. We wouldn't have looked at him the same. I don't blame him for lying about that. But, i blame him from keeping it from me once we became as close as we did. We had a different bond, a different relationship, and i thought we would be 100% honest with each other. October 25th, 2019. I got a message from his roommate. He told me he found him in his room, overdosed, and luckily his roommate found him in time to narcan him. He then stole this mans property and took off and sold it. Thats when i knew exactly what i was dealing with. He relapsed. He overdosed. He stole to get money, to do it again. How does one literally DIE from this drug, and still want to do it again and again? That part i'm never going to understand.  Why was ruining his life with these drugs a better option than me? We could have had a life together. We could have had everything. But heroin was more important. I kept trying. I tried for so long. There are so many things that he did to me that i can't even name them all. Like the iphone i gave him? He "lost" it. No. He sold it. I bought him another iphone for his birthday. Guess what he did with that one? Sold it. He got fuvked up and left his car in leominster at a gas station for days, that it got towed. $600 to get it back. Who paid for that? Me. I put it on my credit card. He said he would pay me back. Why was i stupid enough to believe that? I did everything i could for him. I really did. It was never enough. I sent him to detox 4 times..before he actually stayed in the program. I never knew what addiction was like. I never dealt with it. Ive never seen it as up close and personal as i did with him. It changed me. That's the whole reason im writing this. I am not the person i used to be. I am damaged. heartbroken. devastated. hurt. hopeless. mad. sad. frusterated. The list goes on. I feel like a failure. I wanted to save this boy. It was my goal. I tried so hard, i did so much, and he is still sick. It kills me. It haunts me every day. Should i have tried harder? Should i have stayed by his side? It's my fault he relapsed. I know it. He wouldn't let me think that way, but we both knew. If i never went back and forth between him and my husband, things might be different. I know that i'm not at fault for his relapse, but i know i had something to do with it. I will never shake that feeling. There are so many memories i have with him that are now triggers for me. It's like, everywhere i go, i think of last summer when it was us. Going to Litz is hard, because we would always have so much fun playing in the water or relaxing on the beach. We would go to the 140 car wash eally late at night, just to clean my car, to go get his car directly after and clean that one. My favorite video i ever took of him was there. It was such a simple video that wouldn't mean anything to anyone else. But the way he looked at me, and shut the car door, was just a feeling i'll never be able to shake off. He always looked at me like i was special. Like i was the most beautiful and important person, ever. That boy had me wrapped around his finger. He knew it. But to be fair, i think he was wrapped around mine too. He would do anything for me. I trusted him. I trusted him more than anything. That is where i fucked up. Times started to get tough, but i stuck by his side. I wanted to be the one to save him i guess. I needed to. It became my biggest priority. I knew where he was 24/7, because he was always with me. I knew what i was dealing with, to a point. He started needing to borrow money, and of course, i let him. Anything he needed, i made sure he got it, and he took advantage of that.  He ended up jobless. I remember the last day we worked at Dunkins, i was MAD. Mad that i knew what he was doing behind my back. I remember calling him a liar and fighting with him in the parking lot, we made a scene and people were watching. We were screaming at each other, and i punched him right in the face. He then went inside, and i drove off. You'd think that would have been the end of us, but it wasn't even close. We ended up talking again and things got "fine" again, i guess. I started to distance myself a little, but not much. Sometimes i think something was wired wrong in my brain. All these red flags, and i ignored them all. I continued to fall deeper and deeper in love, while being taken advantage of. But i felt NEEDED. I felt as if i was his ONLY chance at redeeming himself and getting sober again. I sent him to his first detox in the end of October, 2019. Detox is a 7 day program. I was at work on the 5th day, and i got a call from him. He needed me to come get him, he got "kicked out for fighting with someone"..i believed that. I picked him up. After that i realized he wasn't kicked out, he WANTED out. And he did exactly that. You can only assume he went right back to using, right? Exactly. Behind my back once again. But i knew. I ALWAYS knew after a while. I noticed the patterns. Yet i still stayed and did everything i could. We found him a place in Leominster to move into. It was a beautiful home. He had his own room, and bathroom, he was the only one living on the first floor. It was great, and it was a place i could bring my daughter as well because there was room to play. Stupid me, i know i shouldn't have brought my daughter around him. But he was NEVER fucked up around us. Yet, anyways. I would sleepover his new place every time i didn't have my baby. I would have to leave at 4am, so i could get to work on time because i opened, but i never minded waking up that early, because sleeping with him all night was worth it. Laying on his chest was my favorite. I couldn't tell you why, but i felt so safe. So loved. So cherished. I felt special, always. I can't leave out the part where i have to admit, our sex was incredible. It really was. There was one time, we had the most intense sex ever. Like five stars, INSANE, sweaty, every position you could think of. He was CRAZY that one night. Come to find out, he died and was narcaned that same morning. So i'm assuming it was mostly the adrenaline from cheating death, again. In me & his entire relationship, i know for sure of him being narcaned 5 times total. There could have been more times, definitely, and probably. But i only know of 5, and they were all fairly close together. Why? Why can someone die from this drug, AND DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN? Why was i never enough for him? Why couldn't be stay sober? He could have REALLY died, and what about me? He never thought of how it would effect me. Heroin is probably the most SELFISH addiction. It makes me sick. After everything i've done for him, he still chose that over me. I started working at a bar. He would always come and sit there with me. I loved his company, truly.  He would sit there and drink soda like a good boy, and i knew he was safe because he was with me. It was when i wasn't with him, that i worried all the time. There was one night at the bar, i made really good money. I made over $100, so i cashed in my small bills for a $100 bill, then the rest $20s. I remember putting my money in my wallet. I had $40 in my car door to give to him for gas, cigarettes, etc. Money his uncle gave me for him, but i was in charge of his money, because his uncle knew what he would do if he had it in his possession. I gave himm the $40 from my car door, i am positive. We were sitting in my car and i let my guard down. What's crazy is he reached into my backseat, and sneakily took money from my wallet. He didn't know i had the $100 bill. He only meant to take small bills so i wouldn't notice as easily. I dropped him off, and he called me telling me i accidently gave him $100 and he was "doing the right thing" by calling me to return it. Then he claimed i never gave him the $40 from my car door, and it mustve fallen out of my car. He went with me all the way back to the bar to look for it in the parking lot. I knew i didn't lose or drop it. I knew he took it and he was trying to cover it up. I hoped when we got there that he would take the money from his pocket, drop it in he parking lot and "find it" and give it back. It was never found though. But, it was never REALLY lost. I let him play innocent and i just played along. I wasn't going to argue and keep calling him out when he refused to tell the truth. There were plenty of times he took money from me. You know, i had $200 worth of change in my car at work. Unlocked. Stupid, i know. I've worked there 5 years though, i knew my car wouldn't get broken into..until it did. He denies it to this day, but i truly believe he stole that money as well. When he needed his fix, he did anything to get it. I guess it's time to bring up the big one now. When he stole my card out of my wallet. I left my purse in my bathroom. I had him over, we were hanging out, trying to find a new program to go to since the one he was at didn't work out. This boy went to detox 4 times before he actually stuck it out, and completed what he needed to do. As i'm trying to help him get better, he's going behind my back, still. Screwing me over. It's November now when this happened. He took my debit card right from my own wallet. I never used that card. It was linked to my husbands account. He knew that, and that's why he took it. He didn't think i would notice. Until my ex went to go take money out to realize his account had been drained. I looked into it, and it was MY card that was being used in the ATMs withdrawing money. I knew it was him. I couldn't believe it. With christmas and my daughters birthday just around the corner, how could he  take so much from me? From him? From HER? An innocent child who he claimed he loved so much. I do believe he loved her. And me. I just think that he had to do whatever he had to do to get his drugs, and didn't care who it hurt or effected. I tried calling him and finding him, but i couldn't. He knew he was caught. I had no choice but to call the bank and shut the card down, and go to the police to file a report against him. End game for us you think? No. Our story didn't end there, I had him for multiple charges, and it i actually did a proper follow up, i could have had him locked up, and i could have gotten all my money back. Which in total, he took about $2000 from me. A smart person would have done that, right? Not me. I decided to give him ANOTHER chance to redeem himself. Go get help. Go into a program and STAY in the program. That's when he went to Washburn house. He did good for a while. I didn't get to talk to him much, he could only call at night, but i would always wait for his call. He finished his detox there and was in the second step of the program. I was proud of him. I was happy that he was finally doing the right thing. After a while, he decided that he didn't need the program anymore, wanted to leave and start his life over, again. He swore he would stay sober, because he wanted to be in our lives so badly. I trusted him. It was a day or two before my birthday that he got released. Yay! I finally got to see him again. I was so happy and so hopeful this time would be different. I have to admit, i have a big mouth. And everyone knew what he had done to me, along with everything he's been doing. The lying, the using, the stealing, everything. So at this point, none of my friends supported my relationship with him. He was bad. I knew that. He did bad things, yes. But, i knew him differenty than everybody else. So to me, their opinions didn't matter. He was everything to me. He still made me feel loved, needed, and happy. I hid my relationship with him. Only a couple friends knew what i was up to. For them, i am forever grateful. The support, the shoulder to cry on when things got bad, the advice yet no judgement. I needed it. To this day, i have a couple friends that still understand me and how hard this last year has been for me. There was a point i didn't think i would recover from this. I couldn't even hold myself together at work, because while i was there, especially saturdays, i would be miserable and cry. Why? Because saturdays used to be my favorte day to work. Because of him. The flirting, the sneaking in the walk in/freezer/back door to kiss. It was sweet, and sneaky, and i LOVED it. Without him there, it was all i could think about. Why couldn't things have stayed that way? Why did it all have to change and get SO complicated? Why did i have to end up so HURT and LOST in the end? Back to my birthday, anyways. He spent the day with me. It was good. I was happy. I had plans with my friends that night. We were partying, i had a whole party at the bar. He couldn't come because again, we were a secret at this point. Everyone hated him and he understood. At this point in my life, i will admit i may have had a drinking problem. Through everything he did to me and put me through, i needed to numb the pain. I spent a lot of time at the bars. I was getting drunk almost every night. It was a routine. He saw what he did to me. He realized that the girl who never drank, seemed to always need a drink now. I got trashed on my birthday of course. It was a great night and i loved every second of it. I kept texting him through the night, and i called him drunk when i got home. Not the first, nor the last drunk call i've made to him. I would always drunk call him a billion times until he would wake up and talk to me because at the end of the night, i only wanted to hear his voice. He would always talk to me about eerything and kept talking to me until i was ready to go to sleep. The day after my birthday was the day shit really hit the fan. I was hungover, obviously. I didn't feel good at all, and i was supposed to hangout with him. I bailed, and he was so mad at me. He was staying at a homeless shelter in fitchburg at that point and found a way to gardner so i didn't have to drive all the way out there. He sat at mcdonalds all day waiting for me, but i was not only hungover. I was coming to realize that i didn't want to be in a relationship i had to hide from everybody else i loved. If i was to be in a relationship, i wanted it to be with someone who could come around my friends and family. That was the day i decided to become distant. He freaked out, like really freaked out. I wish i still had the messages and voicemails. I felt bad, but i knew it was time to do the right thing for myself. That night, he checked back into washburn. He said he drank two nips to get them to let him back in, but i know he had money and could have gotten his heroin. I believe he did, even though he never admitted it. He's back at washburn now, getting help again. This time, he really stuck it out. He completed his programs. I Stayed in contact with him, because i wanted to know how he was doing and how his recovery was going. I would message him almost every day, some nights i would get phone calls. He was always there for me. Through all the bullshit my exhusband would put me through, he was always the one i would call and vent to. He always had the best advice and always made me feel better about whatever situation i was in. Now that we weren't together, i did meet someone else. At the bar, actually. He came in, and i was desperate to get over this boy. He was my rebound. But it didn't go as well as id hoped. He was a coke head/alcoholic. Why did i attract these men that need help? But don't want the help. I ended it with him, because if i was going to fix anyone, it would and will always be the boy that meant everything to me from the day he walked into my life. I never really stopped talking to him. He would sometimes try to ghost me because i would be "better off" which is not a lie. I would be. But i had an attachment to him that nobody could ever break. We stayed in contact. Always checking in on each other. Sometimes we would speak about being together again, though we both knew it would never be possible after all the things he's done. He got a job through washburn. He was doing GREAT. He was  starting to look at cars and apartments back in Gardner. He wanted to come back. I wanted him to come back, i won't deny that. I knew it would be hard for both of us, but i forever want to know what he's doing and i want to watch him become everything he has ever dreamt of. He had real goals this time. And he had every opportunity to get it all done. It kind of made me angry that he was finally going to get an apartment and do better in life, because i needed him to do that for me months ago. We could have been together, we could have had a good life. But at least he's doing the right thing now, right? So i thought. He was sending me all the apartments he was going to look at, and they were all really nice, and in Gardner. Which is what i wanted. I wanted him close. I wanted to know what he was up to and how good he was doing. I was excited for him. He got a car! I'm not sure how, because his red VW was repoed only like, 6 months ago? I know that because i remember the night it happened. We were at the Turtle, and driving home, he got pulled over and didn't have insurance. They towed the car, and i snuck him into my bedroom and he spent the night with me. I think that may have been the last night we spent together. He ended up giving up on the car because he had no money to get it out of the towing garage, no money to insure it, or pay for it. At that point, he hadn't paid on it in a long time. When he went into Washburn, i cleaned out his car. I took what i wanted and what i thought would be important to him. I saw all the narcan in his glove box. Along with SO MUCH CHOCOLATE. He told me once that heroin addicts live off sweets. Boy, they sure did. When i cleaned out his car, i kept his cologne. It was the scent that he always wore. I loved  it. I still wear it now. And i always think of him. The clean, well taken care of, good smelling, perfect boy i loved with my whole heart. At this point, i didn't know where that boy went. Now, i was just frusterated. Frusterated that i fell so har for him, changed my entire life for him, and this is how it ended up. Though, i will admit i am and will forever be grateful. This year, i have learned so many things. I have seen and gone through things that i never thought i would. I overcame things that i thought would tear me down and i would never be the same. Although it's true, i will NEVER be the same, i will always have a spot in my heart for him, but he's made it clear what's more important to him. I met up with him when he first got his new car. He was in the area, and asked me to show him where the waterfall was, where we used to go last summer. I met him, and had him follow me there. He and I talked for like 20 minutes, but it felt..different. But at the same time, i felt comfortable. Like nothing ever happened. He was clean now. At this time, 5 months sober. With a new car. A new job. Apartment searching. He was FINALLY doing it. I couldn't have been happier. But, he never got out of his car. I never got to even hug him, and to be honest, i don't remember the last time i was in his arms. I've tried to kind of blur out everything so i could try and forget. To heal. But realistically, there is no true healing from this. I'll never recover from any of this. But, i am smarter. I have learned. I have grown. And i wouldn't be where i am or who i am today if it wasn't for him. A week or two after i met up with him, i saw his car again. Where i saw it though, i PRAYED it wasn't him. I called him. No answer. I'm crying and panicking now. It was at the crack house that he used to spend all his time at when he was using.  He called back, after i drove by the car a few times. I knew it was his car. It had to be. When he called back, he claimed it was not him and he was on his way home from his sisters. I thought that was strange, considering it was a week day and his sister works a lot. When i drove by again, the car was gone. I reached out to his sister to confirm his story..He lied. No surprise. He's always lied. He was ALMOST 6 months sober. And there he was, back to his shit. Why would he put in all that effort and be SO CLOSE to having everything he's wanted? He threw it all away. I will never understand. He knew i was onto him, he knew his family was onto him, because i always reach out and tell his sister if i suspect anything or see anything. He ended up selling his cellphone, and going "missing"..I was a mess. Really. Knowing he is missing, and using again, he could be dead anywhere and nobody would know. The entire week he was missing, i looked for him for hours every day. I drove around Gardner so much, just hoping i'd find him or at least find someone who has seen him and knew he was okay. He finally posted on facebook that he was fine and checking himself in somewhere to get help again. I had a feeling that wasn't true. I hoped it was, but i think after everything, i know better. That is when i got emails saying someone was hacking into my accounts. Paypal, Venmo, my actual Email, etc. He started stealing money from me again. I tracked it back to him, because he was using his friends phone number, who is a known addict because i caught him lying to me saying he was with him a couple times, saying he was safe, when really he was just getting high with this guy right before i brought him to detox. I tracked the number to his friend, then tracked the number to the address. You'll never guess what the address was? The crack house he loved being at so much. Then i started noticing his car. He would park in different places, but close enough to walk back and forth to the crack house. He knew what he was doing to me again. I'll never understand why he would take from me..when all i've ever done is try to help him. Check up on him. I really thought we had a special relationship, a bond, i thought that him and i would always look out for eachother. But he was still out to fuck me over. I drive by his car every single day now. It's on the main road i take to go everywhere. It's literally 5 minutes from my house, if that. And what KILLS me every day, is that i know he's in there. I know what he's doing. I can't do anything to stop him. At this point, it's a waiting game. I believe you can only cheat death so many times. He has done it a lot, and i worry every day that i'm going to get that call or message that he's gone. I don't think he's coming back this time. I think this is it. I believe that when i get the honor to meet his wonderful sister who has been there for me through all of this, it will be at his funeral. I know i can't save him. I know he has ghosted his family, because he is ashamed of himself and doesn't want them up his ass. This is the life he has chosen. And it is such a shame, because he really has the most beautiful soul, he's a wonderful person, when he is sober. I will never be okay with any of this. I am not coming to terms with anything. I hurt, every single day. The whole point of writing this was to get it all out of my head, so try and heal a little bit. As this comes to an end, i have to admit that i don't feel any less heartbroken. I'll forever think of him every time i drive by that building. Everytime i hear certain songs (there are a LOT of songs that remind me of him, some seem as if i wrote them myself.) Everytime i go anywhere we made a memory, he will forever be in the back of my mind. This will stick with me for my whole life. I know that. So, to the boy that stole my heart the second he walked into dunkins... I hope you always know how much i have cared and loved you from day one. I hope all my efforts to help you, fix you, support you, meant something. I hope my drunk phone calls made you giggle and feel special because it was you i wanted to talk to all the time. I hope you meant everything you said on your list of things you loved about me, because i meant EVERYTHING on mine. I hope you regret chosing heroin over me. I hope you regret stealing from me time and time again. I hope you are ashamed of yourself and how you let the demons take over you. I hope you turn your life back around again, but i won't hold my breath this time. I am preparing for your death, but when it comes, please know i will not be okay. At all. But, you chose this. Nobody wanted to see you end up this way. Your family, your friends, me, we all were routing for you and so proud of you. I wish you were stronger. I wish you fought harder. I wish you didn't give in to the temptations. You could have had a beautiful, happy life. You would have made an amazing husband/father one day. I will never understand you or your choices. I will never regret you. I may never forgive you, but i pray for you. I pray you read this one day, and feel what i feel. And i hope that maybe it's enough to save yourself before it's too late. Nobody can save you but yourself. xo * (so cool) *

betrayal

[solo para of sweet pea (+Hanna’s) reaction to the trashing of the Wyrm. tw: swearing, tw: violence, tw: degrading comments]

“Okay, the main thing when using it is control. All those scenes you see in movies of them going full speed, darting this way, that way- it’s bullshit. If you’re controlling the bike, you’re controlling your life.” he explained, his hands placed on the handles. “It’s also about balance, knowing in your mind when to lean, when to not. It’s like a horse, when it senses fear- it’s the same with a bike. If you fear it, you’re going to crash or fall.” he added, before stepping back. 

He was with Hanna, teaching her how to ride a motorcycle. It had been her idea and as always Sweet Pea was more than happy to teach someone. But at the moment she looked like a colt trying to walk for the first time, eyes wide as she straddled the bike. “We’re going to start the ignition first, okay? Get you used to kicking it into gear, a couple of revs- remember what I showed you....” 

Hanna nodded, taking a deep breath as her hands encased the handles. “Okay- so hold down the clutch as we start-” her fingers lightly pressed the bar in. “Switch on the ignition-” her other hand flipped the small groove of the switch. The engine began to roar as it started up and she let out an excited laugh. “Very good.” praised Sweet Pea, glad to finally have a female serpent who wanted to learn to ride.

His mobile began to ring and he held up a hand to Hanna. “Remember to release the clutch to change gear and you’re going to move it into first okay- yeah, hello?” 

His face dropped as he listened to the words of Mustang, his brows furrowed and he let out a hiss. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he growled. Hanna looked up at him concerned. “Hey, what is it?” she asked, wondering what made him switch so quickly. 

“No, we’ll be there in five. Don’t touch anything.” he hung up the call, finally looking back to Hanna. “We gotta head to the Wyrm, somethings happened. Scoot down babe, I’m driving.”

And with Hanna moving to the back, Sweets passed her a helmet as he straddled the bike and quickly kicked it off the hold. “Hold on.” he warned, as her arms wrapped around him tightly. 

Maybe he shouldn’t of driven as fast as he did, especially with delicate goods on the back but Sweet Pea needed to see for himself just what had happened. He was a madman, diving and dipping between cars as he pushed the speed limit and then some. Before they knew it, he was parking up the bike. 

Already members were gathered outside. Serpent and Southside mixed as whisperings and mutterings spread around them. Both walked through the front doors and nothing had prepared them for what they saw. 

Serpents were already there, mixed looks of sadness and anger filled the room and Sweet Pea could feel the same building inside of him. This was his home. It was their safe space, their own away from the shit they put up with daily.

The memories he held in this place, the pride he had in the bar which he pretty much ran alongside Toni. All of it was smashed to pieces, years of mementoes, irreplaceable and sentimental pictures and objects. All gone. 

He felt tears prick at the corner of his eyes, he quickly sniffed and wiped a hand across them. “Who did this?” he asked, voice low and full of hurt. “WHO DID THIS?!” he repeated, this time louder and angry. 

Hanna looked equally as upset, she could understand how much this place meant to everyone. It was a place where she’d felt most at home also. It was their haven and now it was gone. The replacement and redo would cost hundreds if not thousands. She flinched at his yell, among some others who didn’t want to speak up. 

Mustang stepped forwards, carrying a familiar jacket. A jacket he currently had hung up back home. “We’ve been had. By that Northside scum boyfriend of yours and his bratty little followers. So much for peace, huh?” spat Mustang, shooting him a look of disgust. 

A cold ice-like feel ran through him as he took the jacket from Mustang, the feel of the leather on his fingertips was rough, it didn’t feel personal to him. Not anymore. “You don’t know it’s him, okay? He wouldn’t- no, I know he wouldn’t do this.” he was resolute in his decision. It was better than considering the other situation. That maybe he’d just been strung along, like a joke. Used just to become a joke. He didn’t want to believe Reggie was like that. 

“ ‘Pea?” Hanna spoke up, who’d had travelled over to the bar side inspecting more of the damage. She knelt down, brushing away some of the glass with the sleeve of her jacket. Her hand enclosed around the card, there was no mistaking the name upon it, the logo it inhabited, the name in black and white. 

With this attention, she chewed at her lip as she walked over and held it out. “I’m sorry.”

Sweet Pea took the offered card, looking down at it and he let out a choked gasp. 

“You sure about he didn’t do it now Preston?” asked Mustang, peering over his shoulder to also look at the card. “Looks pretty guilty to me.” he growled, before turning his back to Sweet Pea and Hanna.

“Looks like we got some mutts to put down. Serpents, with me.” he barked. The adult members stepped forwards, a mix of anger and glee on their faces.

Sweet Pea, who was still in a state of shock finally snapped to. “You’re not the king, Mustang. Jones is and you’ll do nothing until he says so!” he shouted, throwing the jacket to the side harshly.

Hanna looked on in slight fear, the last thing they needed was a fight amongst themselves. “’Pea’s right. We can’t go in guns blazing or we’ll end up back in that slammer before you know it.” she spoke up, despite the fear running through her for doing so. 

Mustang rounded back on her, marching over. “You have no say, Northside slut! You don’t speak for us. You shouldn’t even be here! Keep that filthy mouth shut before I do it for you-” 

Thwack!

Like lightning, Mustang’s face was smacked into the corner of the bar with a sickening thud. “You don’t speak to her like that!” Sweet Pea growled. He was angry, itching for a fight. “Serpents, do nothing until Jones get’s here, I’m second in command and you will obey that!” he added, rounding on the group. 

“Hanna, message the chat. Tell them school’s cancelled and everyone is to get here now.” Hanna simply nodded, still slightly shaken from what she had just witnessed. 

Sweet Pea still held the ID card in his hand, he held it so tight the sharp plastic edges dug into his skin, nearly drawing blood. Beneath his anger, he felt hurt and betrayal. Once again, he’d been taken for a fool. But never again. Not after today.

Peace was over, the war had begun once more. 

4, 5, 16, 18 :)

4. Do you outline before you start writing? If so, how far do you stray from that outline?

I tend not to but I sometimes do. For the two long stories I actually finished, Harry Potter and the Unbreakable Link and Consolation Prize, I got part way through, knew where I was going and then wrote a chapter-by-chapter brief plan for the rest... and then stuck to it. There might be a correlation between doing that and finishing these fics. Huh. Who knew.

5. What is the perfect environment for you to write in?

My laptop at my table with music playing and nothing else I ought to be doing.

16. What is your most underrated fic?

I know I sound like a broken record, but Consolation Prize. It’s the best thing I’ve ever written and I’m genuinely afraid I will never write anything as good as that. It’s always made me a little sad that readers liked University Challenge more. And like, fair play to them and I’m pleased for that and it’s not like people didn’t like CP, but I guess I just feel so strongly about it. I got really upset once upon a time about it not winning various awards and only being placed. I defined my entire idea of personal success by how popular that story was and it had to win. Otherwise I was just getting a consolation prize! :P I think that’s really unhealthy but it’s how I felt. I cried for such a long time when it didn’t win the most rewards and come first in its categories. (Yes, I needed a thicker skin, but that’s the way it was.) And I still want everyone in the world to read it!

18. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

Moving away from Downton, here’s the bathroom scene from Chapter 11 of Growing Beyond.

Rey has gone to her school’s production of Anastasia with the intention of loving it because it was her favourite film back in the orphanage but instead she’s horribly triggered by seeing it for the first time in years. At the interval, she dashes out of the hall to have a breakdown in the toilets.

This is GB’s version of the cave scene from TLJ and is a key moment for both Rey in the film and for Rey in GB. It’s a real turning point for her because it forces her to confront her past and her anxieties about her identity, state what she most wants “show me my parents” and then put her on the track to actually confiding in Ben. In the movie it’s also rife with symbolism connected to the heroine’s journey as she plunges into a dark hole representing return to the womb and the figures in the mirror that are apparently her parents but really look like her and Ben and which end up being her own reflection. Finally, she emerges wet and reborn.

When considering how to transfer this extremely weird and highly symbolic scene to a “realist” modern AU, I tried to find a way of doing it in a way that didn’t jar with the setting while also paying homage to some of the symbolism of the original. Mirrors and water are easy to fit in, so a bathroom made sense from a practical point of view, but also from a symbolic one. The ladies’ toilets are often a place of refuge - who hasn’t cried in a toilet cubicle before? - and they’re also a private place that the rest of the world can’t intrude in, especially men, so (and I know I sound utterly pretentious here and I am half joking with this level of interpretation) you could argue that they are a distinctly feminine location. (Yes, that is arguably absolute bs lbr.)

At first in the bathroom, Rey is desperately trying to hold on and not have a breakdown. She knows this is not the time or place - there are other audience members coming in and out while she sits on the floor of her cubicle. All the while, she’s aware of water - she’s splashed her face, taps are running, toilets are being flushed. Part of this scene is building up Rey’s anxiety so that she can let it loose on her bike ride through the rain afterwards. In the movie, Rey is drenched when she emerges from the cave - she’s not going to get drenched in the toilet, so this is after all a precursor to her mad night ride through the storm.

The scene also introduces a hyperfocus on Rey’s hands. 

She raised her head from her arms and stared at her hands, still trembling slightly. Her fingernails were uneven and bitten, her fingers red and chapped from winter cold. She stared at them with peculiar intensity as if she had never seen them before.

This ties into both Rey’s later questioning of who she is, where had her DNA come from, who actually made her, but is also picked up later in Chapter 12 when she’s met Ben in the pub and she doesn’t know what to do with her hands. And of course, leads up to the moment when they touch hands together. So Rey’s hands are important in this chapter and the next.

She emerges from the cubicle and then surveys herself in the mirror, just as she does in the cave, disassociating quite a bit, a way for me to both try to enter into her mental state and also to parallel the extreme weirdness of the original cave scene. As she looks into the mirror, she questions her identity. Rey in the cave says, “Show me my parents!” Rey in the bathroom doesn’t directly say that (because that would be weird) but her thoughts are going along a different line.

This is also where I bring in Rey’s role as a teacher and how that’s tied to her identity in this story. Obviously that’s not in the movie, but it works surprisingly well. Rey reflects on how as a teacher she knows that parental background affects a student’s development - but what about when they have no parents? The connection between Rey and Ben as teachers moulding the next generation and the effects on them of their own parents and teachers and mentor figures is one that works very well in this story. It is named after Yoda’s wonderful quote, after all: “That is the curse of all masters. We are what they grow beyond.” Rey and Ben as teachers must equip their children to grow beyond them but they themselves are unable to move beyond their own pasts and how other people have defined them.

Children is also a theme in SW (or it was until TROS decided it was blind and couldn’t read basic symbolism) and TLJ ended with the image of the force sensitive child. Wish I knew where that was going to go. Anyway, at this point in GB, one of Rey’s students enter the bathroom and she’s forced to act normal. The student is called Daisy. This student is therefore a reflection of or perhaps a hidden part of Rey herself. Daisy is full of optimism and enjoyment of the life she’s leading and full of hope for the future. She confides to Rey that she’s really enjoying her Physics lessons and that’s directly because of Rey’s teaching. Rey encourages her to come along to Science Club, thus expanding her interest still further. Daisy has appeared out of a magical plot hole like a woodland creature in a fairytale to tell Rey exactly what she most needed to hear - that she is doing good work, that she is important, that she can change lives, that she needs to stick at what she’s doing because it is really important. Daisy is also perhaps a reflection of who Rey could have been if she had had encouragement at that age herself, someone who could be herself and have potential that others saw and have someone who believed in her and she’s a sign of Rey’s future importance in leading the next generation (just as she is presented in the films) - how many more Daisys will there be in her career? And while this story is obviously a Reylo romance, Rey’s journey as a teacher and as a symbolic mother of her people (her role in the films until TROS decided to misunderstand its own canon) is still key to her own personal development.

So there you have it. :P

Let The Flames Begin (Chapter 18)

I'm feeling generous today, so have another chapter. :')

So much fluff and feels in this chapter guys, my heart may have exploded.

----------------

“Again,” Daryl said roughly, making Charlene look to him and squint. They had walked for hours with no sign of a car to get gas from, so Merle had decided they all needed to go back to the truck. His grand idea was that he would go on the bike himself to find something since it would be quicker. He was too paranoid that someone might take the truck, and he wasn't about to let that happen. Daryl hadn’t agreed with him, he didn't think separating was a good idea. But Merle was fucking Merle and Daryl couldn't talk sense into him, especially not with his moods with his drug usage lessened now. So off Merle fucking went and Daryl was left with Charlene by the truck. Merle had been gone an hour and with each passing minute, Daryl's agitation grew at him not being back yet. It made him feel uncomfortable to be away from him, not knowing if he was okay or if he needed help. To distract himself, he decided to turn all of his attention on the girl, teaching her how to throw her tomahawks. She was doing well, hitting the tree on the little mark Daryl had thought was a good target. But he had been riding her ass now for almost the whole hour.

“My arm aches Daryl!” she huffed, glaring at him. He clenched his jaw as he took a step forward.

“Ya arms gonna ache when we’re fightin’ off the dead, but ya ain’t gonna have time to be a little bitch about it,” he sneered, regretting it the instant it felt his lips. When the fuck had he turned into his brother? She didn't look upset though, she just narrowed her eyes at him, her hand tightening around the handle of her weapon. For a second, he idly wondered if she was going to throw it at him.

“I get you're worried about him, I am too. But the next time you talk to me like that, I’m gonna shove my tomahawk right up your ass. Pointy end first,” she glared, making him lower his head feeling ashamed of himself. He felt like he had been scolded by his mother.

“Shit girl, ya know I ain’t mean it,” he lamented with a frown, his voice almost a whisper. Her face softened slightly and she strapped the weapon to her hip again.

“I know Daryl. But you need to chill. Merle’s tough, you know this. He’ll be fine and back soon,” she said, reaching out and taking his hand. He looked at her, seeing her little smile and hopeful face and he wondered how she still managed to have that hope after everything life had thrown at her. It did make him feel a little better though, the conviction in her words. Merle was a tough son of a bitch and Daryl knew he could take care of himself. He nodded, standing a little straighter as he tried to take strength from the tiny little thing in front of him. He wondered why his arm was tingling until he looked down and noticed she was still holding his hand. What am I? A fuckin’ girl? He had shared a bed with her, actually woke up spooning her and rubbing his dick all over her ass, but holding hands made his legs feel weak. Fuckin’ asshole.

“Let's eat somethin’ whilst we wait,” he said, looking awkward as he took his hand from hers. It was making him feel too weird, he needed to create some distance. He grabbed his pack and they both sat on the bed of the truck, legs dangling off. He rummaged through his bag, seeing a can of peaches he had hid from his brother since Merle and the girl liked to argue about them so much. He had saved them just for her. He passed her the can and her eyes lit up, making his stomach flip around on him.

“Peaches?!” she asked, like he had just given her a unicorn that shit out gold. He couldn’t help the little smile that tugged on his lips at seeing her so happy, knowing he was the one to make her feel that way. It made him feel all kinds of good.

“Yeah. Know ya like ‘em so I saved ‘em. Hid ‘em from Merle,” he snorted, ducking his head shyly like a fucking idiot because apparently, he didn't know how to interact with a woman if he wasn't piss drunk.

She bit her lower lip, practically beaming at him and reached out, slinging her arms around his broad shoulders. He tensed at first, he knew she liked peaches but he hadn't expected her to fucking hug him for it. Her scent overwhelmed him, fucking choking him and making him want to run a damn mile from how it made him feel.

“You're the best human on the planet. I’m glad we’re stuck together,” she grinned as she moved away, trying not to think about the fact that he hadn't hugged her back. She knew she probably made him uncomfortable and she had agreed not to do that. It was just hard when she was around him. She grabbed her knife and he watched as she opened the can, slurping up the juice greedily. It reminded him of that day in the cabin as a small moan left her lips. She looked like she had been to heaven and back and he couldn't help but let his mind wander about that kind of look on her face in other scenarios. Stop bein’ a fuckin’ creep asshole. He forced himself to look away, he shouldn't be thinking that shit about her, especially when she was sat right there. It was bad enough he had these thoughts before the world went to shit. Fucking jerking off in bed or the shower as he thought about the pretty girl with the sweet smile and green eyes. It always made him feel like such a fucking creep whenever he saw her next after he had done that, like she would look at him and somehow know.

“Aren't you gonna eat?” she asked curiously, making him look at her, lips fucking glistening from the juice. He felt ready to crawl out of his skin. He just wanted to grab her and kiss her sweet as sin lips, taste the peach juice right off them. He nodded, clearing his throat and he grabbed a random can out of his bag. Fucking tomato soup. Awesome... Cold soup was a pile of shit and then some, but it was food. So he opened it and started drinking it from the can. He made a point of avoiding looking at her as she fished the peaches out from the can and started to eat them. He was half worried his primal urges would win out and he would just fucking pounce on her.

“You know...I used to be so nervous when you came into the store or diner,” she said after a moment of silence. Daryl had finished his soup and he tossed the tin carelessly. He looked at her, a small frown etched on his face.

“Why?” he asked warily, even though he felt like he knew the answer. Because he was a fucking Dixon and he had a reputation that exceeded him, despite the fact he hadn't ever really done a thing wrong. Well, nothing as bad as Merle anyway.

“You just have that kind of face,” she shrugged, making his frown deepen as he looked at her offended.

“That kinda face? The fuck kinda face I have?” he glared, making her laugh out loud. The sound made his heart feel all weird and beat funny and he wondered why she thought it was funny.

“Daryl Dixon...You have resting bitch face,” she grinned. He tilted his head looking bewildered and it only made her laugh more.

“Restin’ bitch face…?” he asked, clearly having no clue what the fuck she was on about.

“You look angry all of the time. I’d always try to talk to you and you’d look at me like you wanted to punch me in the face,” she snorted. He looked down, the tips of his ears burning as he chewed his thumb.

He knew he looked angry all of the time, mainly because he was. He was angry at life for constantly shitting on him. He also hated people, so he put off a vibe of stay the fuck away so he didn't have to deal with them. But for some reason, the thought of Charlene thinking he didn't like her, that he would hurt her, it made him feel sad.

“Wouldnt fuckin’ hit ya,” he frowned, glaring at the floor as he chewed his thumb so much it started to hurt. Charlene watched him, frowning herself when she realised she had somehow upset him, she hadn't meant it like that at all.

“Hey, I know you wouldn't. I didn't mean literally Daryl. I just meant that you looked angry all of the time, even when I tried to be nice,” she explained, reaching over and taking his hand away from his mouth. She was surprised he still had a thumb left with how he was chewing it.

He looked at her carefully and she gave him a small smile, making him relax a little.

“Didn't mean to come across as an asshole or nothin’...just didn’t know how to act. Ain’t used to people bein’ nice to me,” he admitted with a shrug, trying to ignore the fact she hadn’t let go of his hand.

“All those people that were ever rude to you can go to hell. You’re a good man Daryl, I’ve always seen that,” she said softly. It felt like the air in his lungs was suddenly sucked out of him, his throat closing up.

“Always thought ya were nice to me just ‘cause ya were bein’ paid,” he muttered quietly, his cheeks blushing slightly that he had even said that out loud to her. She furrowed her brow and squeezed his hand, causing a jolt of electricity to shoot through his entire body.

“I was nice to you because you’re a good guy. Because I like you. You weren't like the other assholes that came into the diner. Grabbing at my ass and saying all kinds of shit. You were always polite. Gruff maybe, but you never treated me like I was less than you,” she admitted, toying with his finger without even realising she was doing it. He was glaring at their joined hands, his heart thumping away in his chest at such a simple touch. And her words, her fucking words made his stomach feel like it was falling out of his ass. She actually liked him, maybe not in the way he wanted her to, but she liked him. She wasn't tolerating him or stuck to him. She liked him even before the turn and she wanted to talk to him. He hadn't ever felt the strange feeling in his chest before that he got at those words.

“Ya ain't less than me. Not by a long shot. Ya fuckin’ more than me a million times over,” he murmured, still looking at their joined hands and how she toyed with his fingers. Like holding his hand was a good thing. She tilted her head, seeing how he wouldn’t look up at her and she frowned. She hated how he always thought so little of himself, it made her sad to know he had little to no self-worth.

“I wish you could see what I see when I look at you,” she sighed. Finally, his eyes snapped up to her, curiosity all over his face. He was kind of scared to ask just how she saw him, not knowing if he wanted to know the answer or not.

“What is it ya see?” he asked quietly, his curiosity getting the best to him. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back and all of that shit.

She inhaled a deep breath, looking somewhat nervous and that only served to make him nervous as her eyes flit around. She was the one avoiding his gaze now and it was making him panic internally a little. Shouldn't have asked asshole.

“I see a loyal brother, who would do anything and everything if it made his brother happy. I see a good man that respects women and treats them equally. I see a man that needs to protect those around him, even putting himself in harm's way. I see a man with a deep need to provide for those he cares about. I see...I see a young boy. A boy who's been hurt in ways he never should have been and now he doesn't know how to act. He doesn't know how to accept compliments or affection. He doesn't feel worthy. I see a man that deserves the world because he's fucking amazing,” she admitted, getting a little emotional at her own words. Hormones were a bitch.

Daryl's heart stopped dead in his chest at her words and he felt a lump in his throat forming. Of course she had no doubt heard about this childhood, people liked to fucking talk back in Ellijay and she was friends with Billy’s sister. But what hurt him the most was how fucking right she was. How he didn’t know how to act or receive affection. He was still messed up over the trauma he had been through and he hated that she could see right through him. He felt tears sting his eyes and he looked away. Removing his hand from hers as he pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, trying to stop the onslaught of tears that were fighting to get free. Like fuck he was gonna cry in front of her like some little bitch. He felt so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that she knew him so fucking well even though they had barely spoken before. Overwhelmed that she had given him so many fucking complements in that statement it made his head spin. Overwhelmed that the pretty girl in front of him thought he was fucking worth something.

She scooted closer, her heart aching at seeing him so upset and struggling to control himself. She wrapped her arms around him, pressing the side of her head against his as she hugged him. He tried to push her away at first but she was strong considering how tiny she was and he relented. Giving in to the warm feeling that spread through his chest as she held him. He wrapped his arms around her, a choked sob escaping his lips as he buried his face into her hair. He was a fucking pussy. A weak pathetic asshole, but he couldn't stop himself. His heart was burning in his chest and holding her was soothing.

“I know you have issues, and I know you probably won't ever believe a nice thing I say about you. But for what it's worth, you’re the best man I've ever met, and I hope one day you see it too,” she whispered, her own tears escaping as she held on tightly to him. Anyone that knew Daryl, that really took the time to know him and spend time with him, they could see he was damaged. It made her feel overwhelmingly sad.

Her words made his heart constrict painfully as he sobbed into her hair like a small child. He could hate himself later for it but right now he needed this. He needed someone to comfort him, to make him feel better. To make him feel less like trash. He needed the affection she was so willing to give him to soothe all of his wounds. He soaked her in, just letting out all his pain and anguish for every mark left on his body, every fucking time Merle had sent him off into the woods as a small boy as his mother was beaten mercilessly. The pain of never having anyone there for him, even when he was young, when he just needed someone to give him a fucking hug and tell him things would get better. And she held him, she didn't let go as she stroked his hair, not once berating him for being a pussy or weak. She just fucking let him cling to her like a lost child and cry it all out.

When his sobbing subsided, he let go. She took it as her cue to move away a little, not wanting to crowd him or make him more uncomfortable. She knew he would feel awkward about crying like that in front of her but she was glad he did when he clearly needed it. She meant every word she said to him. He sniffled, wiping his eyes and he shook his head. He felt the shame creep in, taking a vice-like grip of him as his face burned bright. He didn't know what to say. He felt like a fucking idiot now and she had said so much to him. So much shit he found it hard to believe because she was right when she said he wouldn't believe a single nice thing out her mouth about him. The rumble of a bike saved him from the awkwardness and he wiped his eyes furiously and cleared his throat, not wanting his brother to know he had been crying like a little bitch.

“I meant what I said, and you don't have to feel awkward about it. There's nothing wrong with letting it out Daryl. If you don't, it'll just eat you alive,” she said softly, grabbing his hand and bringing it up to her lips. She placed a soft kiss on his knuckles and he just watched dumbly with watery eyes, his brain feeling fuzzy from all the crying. She gave him a little smile before releasing his hand and jumping down from the bed of the truck. He sat there for a moment as he heard the bike approach before his brain came back to reality. It was most likely Merle but there was a chance it wasn't and it was his job to keep her safe. He hopped down and grabbed his bow that had been propped up by the tire, readying it as he walked around to the front of the truck where Charlene stood.

He felt so ashamed of himself but when she glanced at him, she gave him a smile and it made him feel a little better. It was like he was expecting her to laugh or mock him for his breakdown but she didn't. She didn't act like anything had happened and he was grateful. He didn't want a big deal made out of it. He watched as the bike got closer, lowering his bow when he saw his brother riding up to them. When Merle stopped the bike, he had a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Daddy's brought home the bacon kids, let's get the fuck outta here,” Merle grinned as he got off the bike, grabbing the jerry can he had strapped to his back with some rope.

“Daryl gave me peaches,” Charlene smirked, making Merle scoff and look at Daryl so fucking offended. Daryl bit his lip trying not to laugh, grateful for the distraction.

“Ya fuckin’ saved ‘em for her and not me? Yer own flesh and blood? Boy, I’m disappointed in ya,” he huffed, shaking his head as he walked over. Daryl could see the amusement in his eyes though and his lips tugged into a small smile.

“Couldn't help it, ya should see how excited she gets. Like a kid at fuckin’ Christmas,” Daryl snorted, making Merle bark out a laugh as Charlene squinted at him playfully.

“Hey! They're really good okay?!” she pouted. Daryl felt the warmth spread through his body as he smiled at her. A fucking genuine smile that he felt like never happened unless he was around her and her adorable fucking face. How could she ease his deep pain so fucking easy? To have him cry one second and the next smile like this?

“Might start callin’ ya Peaches,” Daryl teased as they followed Merle to the side of the truck as he put the gas in the tank.

“Not the worst nickname,” she shrugged, shooting him a toothy grin that made his insides turn into mush. He shook his head a huffed a laugh.

“Alright, well c’mon then Peaches, get yer ass in the truck,” he smirked, shoving her lightly towards the door as she laughed. Sweet and delicate. Fuckin’ peaches indeed.

Taglist; @risingphoenix761 @daryldixonandfrogs @arlaina28 @divadinag @keeperofwonderlandus @jodiereedus22 @easnuppa @fand0m-fiend @txladyj-blog @walkingdead-dixon

Found

Part 1: Lost

_________________________________________

“Dammit!” Kai growled as he stormed away, the small girl with dark hair and wide eyes looking at him confused as he did.

She clung to the towel he wrapped around her after saving her from almost drowning. She suppose he has to go… While she made her way back to her village, Kai was getting as far away as possible. He slipped up yet again. He knew she would make him think of her but he couldn’t leave her to die, despite his bad lungs. He may be many things but he wouldn’t watch a child die. He’d rather die trying. He scratched at his arms, a habit he’s carried along with him these past 7 years. His arms were covered in surface scars from the bad habit. He quickly approached his hidden bike in the nearby swampland then swung himself on, a bag of necessities strapped onto the back. His head jolted up at a low, barely audible hum before he retreated further into the swampland, sharp brown eyes looking around. He spotted something white approaching, a vehicle it seemed. A familiar figure was on the back, glowing blue eyes scanning the area. Zane.

Zane used the scanner Nya programmed into his systems to search the swampland for Kai. It was pure luck when Nya sensed him near by, just the next village over. They had just stopped a few bandits from attacking the village after visiting in hopes of finding Kai there. They rarely get a hit in a city after all. It was always remote areas. Cue them dropping in just to see the bandits about to attack and taking care of them in a few minutes. They had tried not to be upset with their hopes being dashed but it’s just the state of things. For over 7 years now they have been chasing Kai down, never seeing more than a glimpse of his back, never getting more than a few feet away from him. For a ninja (they refused to refer to him as anything less than a ninja) who seemed to think he wasn’t good enough, he certainly was professional at hide and seek. They could go entire months without a single hit and as soon as a few minutes. Even then, he always gets away. This was their chance. They’ve never been this close to a hit before. They decided to fan out, surround the area and move in.

They had to get him here and now or else their future chases look even more faded than it already did. Zane stopped his Glacier Cruiser then hopped off, moving towards the strange form he spotted, ready to freeze if necessary. He held his breath then batted the large leaf aside, blinking at the abandoned motorcycle. He looked it over then spotted something. It was a kunai, one only they as ninja possessed, attached to the handle of the bike. This was Kai’s bike then. Once a ninja, always a ninja. They may not know if he had his elemental powers though. Lloyd had given up his golden powers but they all saw the fire rush out of the temple that day. There was a 50% chance it went to him but there was also a 50% chance it went to someone else. Zane switched to thermal reading. He had been seated on it recently. Which meant he was still in  Zane’s area. He looked around and spotted footsteps disappearing into the swamp itself and frowned. That way was too obvious and they’ve fell for that trick enough times as is.

“I’ve spotted his bike but no signs of him yet.” Zane reported into the comms.

“Don’t let him trick you. He’s crafty.” Nya reminded him.

“I’m pretty sure he knows by now.” Jay pointed out and Zane focused on picking the right path to follow.

He blinked, hearing his Glacier Cruiser rev. By the time he got back to the road, his vehicle was already far ahead, a familiar figure on the back.

“This is why these things have GPS.” Zane says before running after the vehicle. “Guys, I have him heading eastbound on my ride.” He informed the others.

“On our way.” Cole responded as Zane continued the chase on foot.

Kai dropped down from the tree he was in moments later, landing on his feet.

“Well, there goes my good suit.” He says, adjusting his bike then took a look at it. “Nice try Zane.” He says, removing the tracker on the wheel, wondering when he even put it there.

He then made his way as far away as possible, thinking of which village to revisit. Maybe he would visit a smaller scale city, maybe drop by their parent’s old shop. Who knows? He rubbed at his chin, feeling the light stubble there. Maybe get a shave while he was at it… He sighed as he kept his eyes on the unpaved road. He left that live behind a long time ago and it was the best decision he ever made. They’re all heroes. They saved Ninjago countless of times. They would have never been able to do it with him there. He even heard Lloyd became the Green Ninja, became Ninjago’s treasured savior. He even glimpsed him on tv once or twice. He got big abnormally quick but he did it. He took down Garmadon and the overlord. He had purpose. He was strong. His throat itched near painfully. Shit.

He pulled over and collapsed to his knees and hands, coughing heavily as he gripped his chest tightly. Shitshitshit! He coughed even harder, nothing but smoke escaping his lungs, taking away his ability to breathe. His eyes burned from the smoke leaving his mouth and nose. Shit! His vision was going spotty as he wheezed. His hands gave out from under him, leaving him to collapse into the vegetation. His chest /burned/ so bad. His vision wavered as smoke kept leaving his lungs. He knew better to think about these things yet still he… His vision faded to black.

________________________________

When Kai came to, it was to the feeling of his chest hurting him. He was breathing heavily but not as harshly as he always did after an episode. Apparently six years of this odd sickness wasn’t enough to teach him to keep his eyes ahead of him, not behind. He blinked his eyes open slowly and peered around.  It appeared as if he was in some kind of cottage. He sat up slowly, grunting as his chest ached with the slow, careful movement to do so. Where was he? He heard footsteps approach and was immediately wary. A woman stepped in then, having tall, wavy black hair, wearing a sort of blue battle kimono. Strange.

"You're awake. That's good." She says as she walked over.

"Who are you?" He asked, looking her over.

"You can say… I'm a friend." She says with a secret smile. "I found you on the outskirts of the village. You seemed to be having difficulty breathing. My husband had that same problem so I thought I would help you recover." She says, gesturing to a tank next the the bed and Kai blinked, realising that there were tubes attached that reached into his nose.

"I wouldn't do that." She says once he reached up to take it out. "Your lungs are heavily damaged with smoke. You'll need to keep it in for a while until they can recover." She told him then walked over with the glass of water she held.

"Here. Drink it slow." She offered and Kai was hesitant but he took it, taking slow sips.

"I can't stick around." He says once the glass was empty.

"That's fine. We just have to make sure your lungs heal up nice before you go. No use of going when you've lost your breath after a few steps." She says, taking the cup and standing. "Get some rest. I'll have something for you to eat soon." She says, offering him a kind smile before going.

Kai watched her go with a frown. Something was oddly familiar about her. He gently laid down again, his ever present exhaustion reappearing. Just a moment of shut eye wouldn't hurt, right?

_________________

'Maybe next time, you can do it right.'

I'm trying to! Please let me prove that to you!

'Perhaps it is best you do not reach your True Potential, or else someone could get hurt.'

I- I wouldn't hurt anyone! I just wanted to be useful! I just wanted to do something!

A scream came and Kai whipped around to see Nya on the ground.

'Nya!' He rushed over even through it took 10 steps to make one.

He dropped to his knees next to her as she sobbed quietly.

'Nya! Are you alright?!' He asked her worriedly, hands trembling as he hovered over her.

'No!' She yelled as she looked up at him, half of her face burnt.

Kai woke up with a yell on his tongue as well as thick smoke. He coughed heavily, ignoring the hand on his back, guiding him to lay on his side.

"Clear your mind and try to take deep breaths." The woman from earlier told him, rubbing his back in soothing motions as he struggled to do anything but hacking his lungs up.

It burns! He couldn't breathe! Was he going to die like this?

"Listen to me Kai. It burns, I know it does and it's hard to breathe. Focus on that alone." She urged and Kai was too out of it not to listen.

His eyes burned and watered, just like his mouth, his lungs feeling as it they were about to explode. But the longer he focused on the suffocation and the burning, there more it ebbed away. Soon he was wheezing weakly, the smoke dying down completely but his lungs and eyes still burned as he tried not to pass out, spots dancing in front of his eyes.

"That's it. Just keep breathing." She urged and Kai nodded dumbly, limp against the bed.

It took almost half an hour for the shock to leave and for his body to calm itself down- but once it did, he frowned.

"Wait." Kai says then tried to get up.

"No, you shouldn't get up as yet. You're-"

"I don't give a damn. I have a question for you." Kai says, narrowing his gaze and sitting up anyway, grunting as he did. "How do you know my name?" He asked and she looked surprised then guilty.

"You're working with the ninja, aren't you." Kai says in realization, wondering how long it will take for them to get here and how far he could go in the condition he was in.

"Kai, listen-"

"Answer the question." He says, cutting her off, all out glaring at her now.

"Yes. But it is for your own good son. If things continue this way-"

"Son?!" Kai says shocked, flinching away from her and looking her over.

That's why she looked so familiar! But- But-

"Please Kai. If you let this continue like this, your powers will kill you." Maya whispered to him, holding onto his hand.

Kai didn't know what to think. What to say. It was all too much. He looked to her, looking hurt.

"Where did you and dad go?" He whispered and Maya knew the question was coming but it didn't make it any heavier on impact.

"We didn't leave you two alone by choice. I'm not sure how much you've heard about the time twins Acronix and Krux but Krux took us away. Your friends saved us, Nya saved us." She whispered and Kai's eyes flashed amber as he gripped his head, knowing that Nya could see him now.

'Kai!' Her voice echoed in his head.

He ignored Nya and looked back to his mother as she continued.

"We've been helping you search for them ever since. It was bad luck how I ended up finding you. But I'm glad you did. This was much worse than when your father had it." She whispered, worried.

"Dad had it too?" He whispered and she nodded.

"For a short while, yes. Your elemental powers act according to your mentality. If your state of mind is toxic then your powers will also be toxic. To you. Please let us all sit down and talk about this. Your negative feelings you hold against yourself, towards the others are hurting you." She pleads and Kai frowned.

"It's not like I have a choice. I can't go anywhere in this condition. Talking…" He swallows uncomfortably. "Hurts almost as badly as breathing." He whispered.

"It's for your own good and if you choose to not be apart of the ninja then they promised to stop chasing you." She told him and Kai only nodded.

He knew this day would come. He just hoped he could have kept running for a moment longer. He just doesn't understand why they wanted him still. They were successful as is. In absolutely no time, he could hear the familiar ship touchdown.

"Kai?!" Kai winced then looked up at Nya who looked back at him with eyes filled with tears.

"Hey… Sis…" He says with a sheepish grin and she launched herself at him, making him grunt in pain.

"Oh! Sorry." She says, pulling back before snuffling, the tears pouring down her cheeks. "It's just… It's been so long! I was beginning to think…" She coughed then and Jay was immediately by her side.

"Hey, take it easy. Don't work yourself up." He says soothingly and she struggled to catch her breath, while Kai looked at her in horror.

"You weren't the only one suffering Kai." He looked up at the male that walked in, guessing he was his father. "Did you think Nya would be happy without her brother?" He says to him softly and Kai frowned, really thinking she would be.

"How could you think that you idiot!" She yelled at him breathlessly then took a deep breath. "It's my fault all of this happened. It's my fault you left. If I hadn't been so weak then and not gotten myself kidnapped-"

"No, I should have protected you. None of this was your fault. If I had been a better brother-"

"What are you talking about?!" She says cutting him off this time. "You were the best big brother I could ever ask for! It was why I wanted to be like you, to be a ninja. I knew I couldn't be so I became the samurai instead so I could protect myself and you!" She panted afterwards before coughing up water.

"Ny-ya." He coughed out, wanting to reach out to her but their mother was holding him back.

"Keep going. The only way to make this stop is to work out all your issues." Ray insisted, going to his daughter's side.

"You shouldn't have to protect me. If I were stronger, if I wasn't so weak, you wouldn't need to. If I could do things right I-" He cut himself off to cough, smoke starting up in his lungs again. "I could have purpose! I could be of use! I just-" He wheezed, the smoke getting thicker.

"I just wanted to help. I thought becoming the Green Ninja would give me purpose again! That I could-" He cut himself off to cough heavily, lungs burning. "I could finally do things right!" He wheezed out, and Maya turned up his oxygen.

"Kai…" Nya took a moment to take a huge gulp of air. "Your only flaw was that you gave yourself too little credit. You were… You made mistakes but it made you you and it worked out for you." She says, slowly catching her breath.

"Nya is right." Kai's breath hitched as his old Sensei walked in, the others behind him. "The blame falls on me." Wu says, lifting his head to look at his former student.

"I still have much to learn as a Sensei but my gravest mistake was letting things come as far as they did." Wu says as Kai outright stared.

His chest was really-

"It may hurt but you still need to breathe Kai." Maya says, snapping him out of it and he took a deep- painful- breath.

"You were right Sensei-"

"I was wrong." Wu says, cutting him of, surprising Kai. "Had I not let my own emotions blind me, I would have seen the impact of my words while there was time to fix it.. He slipped off his hat.

"It was my misdeeds that has drove you away from your family, from your place among us. And for that, I apologize." He says, bowing before Kai.

He felt overwhelmed.

"But- but I…" He stuttered.

"But what?" Maya asked, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

Kai opened and closed his mouth several times.

"It… This all feels too good to be true…" Kai says, looking down at his lap with a frown.

"Yeah well you better believe it!" Jay says angrily, despite the others trying to shut him up. "I can't believe you thought you weren't any good! News flash: you've kept us on a wild goose chase for 7 years. 7 YEARS!" Kai blinked owlishly at Jay.

"Well he isn't wrong. I mean, that takes skills. If I had the power to disappear like you do I'd be the ultimate ninja." Lloyd says with a smirk.

"But you… You're already…-"

"I wish. We all know being a ninja is being all sneaky and secretive and stuff. You've got that in spades! You're the real ninja here." Lloyd says with a smile.

"It would be nice if you trained us in your ways." Zane says with a shrug.

"You've managed to completely Eva every single trap we could think of for 7 years. As a Nindroid, I find that highly impressive." Pixal agrees though Kai didn't know who she was.

"Face it buddy, you're the best one of all of us here. And we missed yah. I can't work out with Jay because he's too weak and Nya puts me to shame. Plus, I miss your horrible taste in music." Cole says and just like that, the others began listing things off that they missed about him.

Could he really have been wrong this entire time? Could he really… Have a place here. He found himself smiling as his heart warmed pleasantly, the feeling spreading all over. The others watched in awe as he began to glow and float, no doubt unlocking his true potential after so long. Once he slowly lowered to his feet, he was wearing the fire version of the gi they wore, blinking at his hand that was on fire. He looked on bashfully as they all clapped and cheered for him before flipping his hood back with a smile.

"See? Even destiny wants you to be a Ninja. So, what do you say?" Nya asked him, reaching a hand out to him.

He looked down at her hand then his own. Taking her hand would mean becoming a ninja again and leave his life of doing odd jobs and running behind. It… Doesn't sound as bad as he thought. He took her hand and she beamed up at him.

"Now let's go get you cleaned up trash man." She says and he huffed but let her drag him outside towards the Bounty.

Wu, Maya and Ray watched the others excitedly trail behind them.

"You know things will be much harder than just him agreeing to be a Ninja again, right?" Ray says to his old friend who nodded.

"I know, friend. This time, I'll be the one to do things right." Wu says before walking out as well, both parents following behind him.

_______________________________________________________

(Idk if it’s because I’ve been distracted while writing this but it feels rushed. I may rewrite it because of that. Also guys if you ever want to hit me up I’m gonna be on the Ninjago City Server pretty often from now on. Anyway, I hope this wasn’t too bad!)

Keeper of the Stars-3: Heart

Author’s Note:  A multi-part sequel to Some of This Isn’t Bad

Summary: Y/n was a fan of the Supernatural book series who wrote fanfics and attended the conventions. After meeting the boys through Becky, she stopped being a fan and became a hunter. When she shows up at a hunter wake, she doesn’t expect the Winchesters to remember her, and doesn’t expect the argument that breaks out between her and Dean.

Pairing(s): Dean x Reader

Word Count: 2944

Story Warnings: 18+ HERE BE SEX, DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!, fingering, oral (male and fem rec), protected sex

Chapter Warnings: the slightest amount of angst

By the time you pulled into the 'Stay Inn Motel', your CD changer had made its way around to your Zeppelin 'Best Of' disc, which Dean had flipped to hear. You parked next to the Impala and Sam greeted you as Dean popped your trunk. "Hey, Sammy. You remember y/n?"

"Yeah, of course. It's good to have another set of eyes on this."

"Oh, I'm just here to shoot stuff." You pulled your duffel from the trunk and headed for the office, where you secured room with a single full bed. You dropped your bag in your room and headed for the room Sam exited before. Dean answered, midway through buttoning his white shirt.

"Another body dropped last night. Sam hasn't hit the morgue yet. Wanna come with?"

You nodded. "Yeah. Gimme fifteen," you said, retreating for your room. Twenty minutes later, you were leaving your room, while pulling your hair up into a ponytail.

"Damn, those extra five minutes are magic, huh?"

You rolled your eyes at Dean and straightened your suit jacket. "It's Agent y/n Collins, by the way. So you don't fumble on what to call me." You pulled open the back door of the Impala and slid in. "What are you guys going with? Plant and Jagger? Bowie and Pert? Criss and Simmons?"

"Nobody wants to be Peter Criss," Dean answered.

"Young and Gibbons," Sam said, sliding into the car.

"Which is which? I don't want to get confused."

"You really do hunt solo most of the time. I'm Gibbons." Dean started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

"It's a lot easier to just have to keep track of my own fake shit."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well, it seems I miscalculated the time of death on Mr. Dylan. Sheriff Strucker found out the power went out in Dylan's house the night he died. It was back on by the time we got there, but there were several hours of him bakin' in his foyer before the Central Air came back on. He was attacked at night, I think." The M.E. nodded at them as the three of you walked in.

"That changes things," you whispered. They'd assumed skinwalker because the kill was a day kill. Now, it might've been a werewolf.

"Agents. Fancy seein' you in Burkhardt," a cheerful voice with a Minnesotan accent said. A blond woman entered the morgue, a large travel mug of coffee in her hand.

You smiled. "Sheriff Hanscum. If I'm not mistaken, Stillwater's about 50 miles Northwest."

"Y/n! Sweetie-pie, what are you doin' with Sam and Dean-o?"

"Giving new partners a shot," you answered, wrapping an arm around the woman.

"You know Donna, too?" Dean asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, yah. We met at a party at Jodio's place about six months ago," Donna answered.

"It was less a party and more the three of us having beers and plinking cans in Jody's backyard."

"It was a lot of fun. Y/n provided drinks, Jody brought the guns and ammo and I made cheesecake."

"Oh, my God, that cheesecake was so good," you gushed.

"I'll let you in on a secret: it's from a box," she whispered, loudly.

"No."

"Yep. Didn't have time to make it from scratch, but I didn't wanna show up without something sweet to munch on, so I hit the supermarket and grabbed a box a' no-bake."

"It's like Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray with guns," Sam whispered.

"Long as I'm not Rachel. Can't stand her," you said, pulling away from the sheriff.

"I like Rachel Ray. She's spunky." Dean smirked. "Seriously, Donna, this isn't your jurisdiction."

"Oh, no, but yer second body, Dave Smythers, I knew him. We went to high school together."

"Well, we were about to check his body out. Why don't you and y/n go check out the scene?" Sam suggested.

"That's a great idea, Sam. Call when you get done here. Let's go, Don. You got your squad car out front?" You headed for the parking lot and Dean was not subtle about checking your ass out as you left.

"Oh, yah. Right out here." You slid into the partner's side of the car and she smiled over at you. "So, did'ya meet them on a hunt or did Jody introduce ya?"

"I, uh, actually met them before I met Jody."

"Oh, did'ya?"

"Yeah. It's a long story."

"Yeah?" She pulled out onto the main road. "So, which one was it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Which one of those boys burned ya?" You looked over at her in surprise. "Betcha it was Dean, huh? I saw how he was lookin' at'cha."

"Donna. Come on." You sighed, running your hand across your forehead.

"Oh, you come on. I may not be some big bad hunter, but I got eyes and a head on my shoulders... you've done the horizontal Mambo with one of those guys and I'm pretty sure it's the bowlegged one." You bit your lip and looked away from her. "It was, wasn't it?! So, what was that like?"

"Are you seriously asking me what sex with Dean is like?"

"Yah! I've been wonderin' since he walked into my station. Man looks like that, but still managed to put down three powdered sugar doughnuts... If I weren't so sure I wasn't his type, and if I weren't so hung up on Doug, I would've tried him myself. So?"

"I was certain that I wasn't his type, too, but Dean doesn't seem to have a type. Not for one night stands, anyway." You turned back to her a bit. "I wasn't his type back then, not really. I'd never fired a gun or anything. Never done anything risky or dangerous. I was... not the type of woman who went to bed with strangers, definitely not the type to dig up a body and light it on fire. When I met the Winchesters, I was the kind of woman who wrote about other people getting to do crazy, dangerous stuff, but wouldn't even ride a bike without a helmet on."

"Helmet laws exist for a reason, ya know?"

"Yeah, but helmet laws aren't something hunters concern themselves with, Donna. Like concealed carry laws and federal impersonation regs. My point is that I was a pretty timid woman until I met them."

"An' how'd they change that?"

"Uh, Dean told me the truth about everything, all the horror movie stuff that's real and... then he took me to bed. He, uh, gave me his phone number before he left and told me to call and I only waited a couple days before I called." You clicked your tongue against your teeth. "I got his voicemail. So, I waited a couple days and tried again. I tried for months, putting more and more time between calls, less emotion in each message. During that time, I started teaching myself self-defense stuff. I bought a gun, took some martial arts classes at the rec center and started reading up on any lore I could. I started noticing weird shit in the newspapers and reporting it to him so he could go check it out. I still got nothing. Eventually, I realized that I was absolutely not going to get a call back, so I got in my car and headed out to Oklahoma to check out a case on my own. When I got there, the boys were already there. So, I stopped calling."

You chuckled. "And I started doing it, myself. If Dean had answered the phone once, I probably wouldn't be a hunter."

"Wow. So, he was good enough that you kept callin'?"

You laughed. "Really, Donna? I bare my soul to you about my damn past and you want to know about the sex?"

"Of course, I do! Come on, give mama the deets!"

You rolled your eyes, playfully. "Best I ever had, but if you repeat that to him, I'll deny it."

You pulled into the driveway of the second victim's house and headed in. The living room was destroyed, claw marks embedded deep into the wood floors and paneling. "So, what are you an' the boys thinkin' on this?" Donna asked, running a pen through the gash on the TV console.

"They were thinking skinwalker, which is like a... an off-shoot of werewolf, but not... skinwalkers are always born skinwalkers. It's not contagious. But this?" You indicated the largest claw mark. "This is a wolf. This feral lack of control... skinwalkers don't get that."

"Really? You done a lot of werewolf hunts?" Donna asked.

"No, but I've read 'Heart' a dozen times." You stepped over a puddle of blood to check the bedroom.

"What's that?" Donna followed.

"It's..." You stopped in the doorway and looked at her. "It's just a novel I used to like. Werewolf romance... sadness."

"Oh, like 'Twilight'?"

You grimaced at the comparison. "No. The werewolf was a woman in this."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. See, her neighbor was obsessed with her and he was a wolf. When his moon came up, his animal brain ran with the obsession, tracked her and got his teeth in her so that they'd be the same. She didn't even know it was her when the men around her started getting mutilated. The hunters who came for the wolf... one of them fell for the chick before realizing what she was."

"How'd that end?"

You turned back toward the bedroom, which showed signs of a struggle, but no blood. "It ended in tears. How else?"

"Well, how sad was it?"

"Madison ended up with a silver bullet in her heart and the protagonist ended up with a metaphorical hole in his."

"He killed her? It wasn't her fault!"

"She asked him to. Didn't want to kill people every month." You turned back to her, shrugging at her upset expression. "Told you it was sad."

"So..." Donna picked up a picture from Dave's side table. "You bein' here, with Dean, what's that about?"

"It's... working towards forgiveness. He had his reasons for ghosting me, and it made me become... well, it changed my life, that's for sure."

"So, you think you're gonna..." She left the end of the sentence up in the air, but you knew what she meant.

"Probably. We're kinda perfect for each other," you admitted, picking up a brush from the en suite bathroom counter. "But I'm not gonna make it easy for him."

"Well, I'm jealous, but yer right ah course. You two look cute together."

"You don't know that. You've only seen us together at the morgue and we weren't much about the PDA there."

"Yah, but I saw how he looked at'cha. He's got it bad, ya know."

"Yeah, he ain't the only one," you responded. "But I can't just... I'm not gonna be weak just 'cause it's easiest."

"But... he's so..."

"He's amazing, I'm not arguing that, but he left me hanging. I can't- It's complicated, Donna," you finished as your phone went off in your pocket. You pulled it out and answered it. "Yeah, Dean?"

"Find anything at the house?"

"Claw marks. Pretty sure it's a werewolf."

"Yeah, we're thinkin' the same. Anything point in a direction to start looking for our wolf?"

"No. Just a lot of blood and gashes in the wood. Wanna head back to the motel? Donna and I could hit the hospital and see if anybody's come in with a bite wound in the last month or so."

"Nah, Sammy's got a rapport with the lady doc down at the ED, so he's droppin' me off at the motel so I can make more silver bullets. You and Donna done at the scene? You coming back?"

You sighed. "Yeah. Donna's gonna drop me off."

"Good. See you in a few."

You turned to Donna as you shoved your phone back into your pocket. "Silver bullet duty. Gonna stick around to help?"

Donna sighed, shaking her head at you. "Nah. I think you an' Dean need some alone time."

"Thanks, Don. That's exactly what I wanted you to say," you responded, sarcastically.

"Oh, you know me, sweetie. Always here to help."

~~~~

You sat at the table in Sam and Dean's motel room, melting silver jewelry down with a blowtorch. Dean kept looking over at you between gluing the tips in place. "What, Winchester? What's with the look?"

"What look?"

"The look! Like you think I'm gonna spill molten silver on myself, or something."

"That's not the look." He chuckled. "Sweetheart, the look I'm giving you is... I have known a lot of hunters and a handful of badass women, but not a single one of them could pull off the welding gloves and mask the way you are."

"Oh, so this is more of that predatory sexuality shit."

"If I'm the predator, does that mean you're my prey?"

"Maybe four years ago. But not today."

"You're gonna make this hard on me, aren't you?"

"Why should I make it easy? I was... this is not what I signed up for when I decided to become a hunter. God and destiny and..."

"Soulmates?" he asked, standing as you turned the blowtorch off.

"Don't even say that, man! 'Soulmates'? You know how ridiculous-" You flipped the mask up so you could glare at him.

"Chuck made you into my perfect woman! He picked you and wrote your story to put us in this exact position, and you're getting hung up on my terminology? You got a problem with destiny, I get that. It's bullshit to think this was written years ago and, hey, God has left the planet, so if you wanna go your own way... the door is right there." He pointed at the door and shook his head. "But I don't think you want that. I sure as hell don't. I've been searching for a woman like you since before I knew I was looking for anything."

"You barely know me!" You set the crucible carefully on a heat-resistant pad and pulled the gloves off. "I know all about you and all you know about me is that I used to write some good smut!"

"I know you're beautiful and smart and badass. I know you're caring and take risks and you picked up hunting in no time and have risen up to epic status in just a few years. I know you're amazing in bed and I've actually dreamed of the way you screamed for me." You looked away, embarrassed of the way your cheeks heated up at the reminder. "You deserve better than me, but that doesn't change how much I want you, how right it feels to want you."

"Don't say that," you whispered.

"What?"

"That I deserve better than you." You pulled the mask off and tossed it on the empty chair on the opposite side of the table. "I don't. How could I possibly deserve better than Dean Winchester, the man who saves the world?"

"You mean, Dean Winchester the man who popped the first lock on Lucifer's Cage? Who's started as many apocalypses as he's helped end? Who has had to watch everyone around him die, some people more than once?"

"Are you stupid? That just means you deserve me, not that I deserve better than you!"

"Then why are you making this so difficult, y/n?!"

"Because it's too easy for me to fall in love with you!" His eyebrows came together as you ran your hand through your hair, anxiously. "And if I fall for you, Dean, and you... you push me away like you are so good at doing, then I... I'll be... ruined."

He pulled your hands into his. "I'm not gonna push you away, sweetheart."

"You can't say that. You can't!" you urged. "You think you get people killed. You think you're gonna get me killed and, eventually, that's gonna make you push me away. Just like before, except this time it's not gonna be you not answering your phone, it's gonna be you sending me away. It's gonna be you putting me out into the world, knowing what it's like to love you and not being able to have it and that's not fair, Dean, it's not fair to-"

"Y/n, shut up!" His eyes were amused as he pulled you closer to him. "I will not push you away. I won't push you away because you won't let me. That's how Chuck wrote you." He slid his hands up your arms to rest on your shoulders. "Stubborn, smart, risk-taker who recognizes my worth. You won't let me get all dark and sad and push you away for your own good, 'cause God didn't write you that way. Right?"

You looked down. "I'm scared, Dean. I've worked hard, I've worked for years to be... and to let myself be vulnerable is-"

"Terrifying. I know." He smiled, softly. "But I know of a real good way to distract ourselves from the fear."

"No." You pulled away.

"Seriously?! I get you to open up and you still say 'no'?"

"I don't screw around when there's a hunt going. It's the 'Friday the Thirteenth' rule."

"Are you kidding?"

"No. It's bad juju. You know it is! Your first werewolf with Sam, he fucked Madison. Boom! Wolf. Oh, and your little Amazon story?"

"Okay, but... we both know that neither of us are the wolf."

"Bad juju, Dean."

He growled and pulled out his phone, putting it to his ear as he stepped away from you. "Tell me you've got something useful. Because I'm ready for this hunt to be over, dude, don't ask questions."

You laughed as you sat down at the table and started to move on with the silver bullets.

KITCHEN SINK TAGS @heyitscam99 @wonderlandfandomkingdom @unlikelysamwinchesteronahunt @mrs-meghan-winchester @henrymorganme @lonely-skys @allykat2108 @mogaruke @flamencodiva @team-free-will-you-idjits-67 @pisces-cutie @paintballkid711 @natura1phenomenon @rainbowkisses31 @atc74 @alagalaska

HUNTER TAGS @letsby @mrswhozeewhatsis @adoptdontshoppets @spnskinnyballs @deansenwackles @gayspacenerd @thewhiterabbit42 @dolphincliffs

GAGA FOR GREEN EYES TAGS @akshi8278

A Turn For The Worst - Jake Peralta

Requested - Can you do one where jake kills himself?..I know..I'm terrible😂

Trigger warning: suicide

--------------------------------

*Your pov*

"Honey, I'm home!" my boyfriend, Jake, announces as he struts into the apartment.

"Hey," I mumble. I love Jake and all but I'm really not in the mood.

"What's wrong? Do I have to arrest anyone?"

"Thanks, Jake, for caring so much, but no. No one needs to be arrested. It's just, I got fired. For no reason."

"Well it can't have been for no reason, y/n. There must be something. No offence to you."

"My boss asked me to do something but I couldn't do it at that exact moment because I was doing some urgent papers that I'd just gotten that needed to be done by the end of the day so I asked Diane, my co-worker, to do it for me. Then my boss saw that she was doing it instead of me and came over to me and said, and I quote, 'you useless bitch, you never get anything done, and I'm going to do something I should've done a long time ago. You're fired. Leave. Now.' People tried to stand up for me but my boss wouldn't listen. I'll go and try and get a job tomorrow, I've managed to get a few references from my superiors."

"Good luck, babe. I promise that it'll sort itself out. Besides, any company would be privileged to have you."

"Thanks Jakey. I love you."

"I love you too."

*The next day*

"I did it! I got a job!" I say enthusiastically as Jake walks in from work.

"That's great! I knew you could do it! Where are you working then?" Jake asks, a, what seems to be fake, smile on his face.

"At (*insert random place*)! But, are you ok? Something seems to be getting you down?"

"It's nothing, don't worry about it."

"Ok, if you say so. But you can talk to me if you need anything, ok?" I reassure, genuinely worried. He never keeps these sort of things from me but I won't pry. If I do, there's less of a chance of him telling me.

"I will, I promise."

*Jake's pov*

Why did I promise that? I can't go to y/n at the moment, not with their current situation. Especially since they're going to be busy with their new job. The truth is, I've been suspended from the 99 because Holt doesn't think I'm in a stable condition. Today was my last day before a 6 month suspension, but there's no way I can tell y/n, they'll be heartbroken. y/n's the only good thing in my life right now so I can't disappoint them.

*a week later*

I've barely seen y/n over the past week. Apparently they've been given a huge amount of work and have to get it all done asap and it's going to be a regular thing. I'm going to lose the one good thing in my life and I refuse to do anything about it because I won't - no, can't - hinder y/n's life. There's only one option left for me. I'm sorry, Lord, for what I'm about to do.

*back to y/n's pov*

Ugh, it's so late. I can't wait to just relax with Jake and maybe watch a few Die Hard movies. I unlock the door to our apartment and immediately see something on the kitchen counter. It's a note.

y/n, don't go in the bathroom. Whatever you do, don't go in there. All will be explained. Just listen to the tape that's in the Walkman I left in the bedroom.

It's definitely Jake, the handwriting looks like it belongs to a child. I ave no idea how to feel for what's about to happen. I'm scared because he told me to not go in the bathroom and bathrooms aren't romantic, so I have a feeling that I should be terrified.

I put the headphones that are connected to the Walkman on and start the tape.

"Uh, hey, y/n. You're probably wondering what's going on and, before I say anything, I just want to say, I'm sorry. You'll understand why soon."

Yup, terrified.

"I'm... no longer with you... or the world. I don't want to be blunt with this. But I think you know what I'm saying."

I really hope he's not saying what I think he's saying, because if he is, I will... I will... I don't know what I'll do.

"You and the precinct are - sorry, were - the best things I had. Then I got suspended for 6 months because my overall mood at work just started to take a toll on my work. And then you got the new job. The day that you got the job was my last day before the suspension started and was also why I was so bummed out. And then I've barely seen you in the last week, which I know isn't your fault and I don't want you to blame yourself. Please, don't blame yourself. I couldn't help but feel that you were gonna leave me because you wouldn't have time for me. And that killed me. I love you too much to lose you. But I think this song might say everything else for me."

And then a song starts playing. I recognise it immediately. The Goodbye Song. He must've seen the album on the shelf and found the song.

The time has come I'm flying away Mouth. Is. Numb. Heart don't know what to say.

And although I'll be out of sight, dear No, I'll be right here Right here forever, ever, ever, ever And when you look to the night skies Don't think of goodbyes Think how I'm right here, ever, ever, ever.

Thank you for teaching me lessons Thank you for listening to mine Man, you know how to ride a bike now Don't be scared, you'll be fine.

And although I'll be out of sight, dear No, I'll be right here Right here forever, ever, ever, ever And when you look to the night skies Don't think of goodbyes Think how I'm right here, ever, ever, ever.

Come! No you can't come with me, stay I wish I could goodbye I know it's hard to say Come! No you can't come with me, stay I wish I could goodbye I know it's hard to say Ouch! I know it hurts to stay.

I- I'd stay if I could But the universe won't let me So please. Be. Good. And don't you forget me.

And although I'll be out of sight, dear No, I'll be right here Right here forever, ever, ever, ever And when you look to the night skies Don't think of goodbyes Think how I'm right here, ever, ever, ever.

And although I'll be out of sight, dear No, I'll be right here Right here forever, ever, ever, ever And when you look to the night skies Don't think of goodbyes Think how I'm right here, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever!

A single, stray tear starts falling down my cheek.

"y/n, that song says so much that I wanted to, so I'm going to go over some of them again. Stay. No matter how hard it is, don't do the same as me. Look after people, move to England, follow your ambitions. You taught me that. You taught me that you have to eventually move on by chasing your ambitions. But just remember, you won't be by yourself. I'll be in your heart, forever and always. Also, you may have gathered, I'm in the bathroom, so don't go in. I don't want you to suffer through more pain. You don't deserve it. I love you, y/n. I love you so much. However, I need you to tell someone about this. You're the only person there's a tape for. And no, I don't mean in the 13 Reasons Why sense, don't worry."

I let out a muffled chuckle. Of course Jake is making a joke in his suicide tape. But damn, I have to tell people? It's gonna kill me.

"If you can't tell them tough, there's a note. It's in the bedside drawer in an envelope. I put it in because I don't think you'll want to see that as well. But, uh, that's all I have to say really. Once again, I love you, so much, y/n. Now live your life to the best of your abilities."

The tape ends. He's gone. He's really gone. The love of my life is gone. The reality of it comes crashing in like a bulldozer and a driver who's blasting Miley Cyrus' Wrecking Ball. A stream of tears starts pouring from my eyes.

And I'm like that for the rest of the night.

*the next morning*

I hail a cab and go to the precinct. I'm too much of a wreck to drive without crashing into someone.

I arrive and grab my money to pay the driver.

"No need, you seem upset, this one's on me," the nice taxi driver says.

"Thank you," I say, trying my best to say it loud enough for her to hear it.

I stumble out of the car and make my way into the precinct. The elevator door opens and I walk into the bullpen.

"He-- y/n, are you alright?" Amy asks, a worried look spreading across her face as soon as he sees my dishevelled look. I shake my head in reply before starting to cry again. Amy comes over and gives me a hug. "Let's go somewhere more private." I shake my head in protest and hand her the envelope which has the note in it. She opens it, still worried. A look of sadness, grief and shock overcomes her. "Oh my god!" she yells and everyone looks at her. "Everyone in the briefing room. Now," she commands. "Do you want to come, y/n?" I nod my head and follow her to the briefing room.

"Amy, what's this about? I'm so close to catching my perp!" Rosa states.

"Dear whoever's reading this, I am dead. I 'left' this world voluntarily. I'm sorry, Jake Peralta," Amy reads from the letter. Everyone just sits there in shock.

"He... he... committed suicide? But... why?" Charles asks, still in shock.

"I don't know," Amy answers.

"I-I can a-answer that," I mumble, just loud enough that Amy could hear.

"You don't have to tell us if you don't want to," Amy sympathises.

"You all d-eserve t-to know. H-he felt like h-h-he had no o-one. B-because he was s-susp-ended h-here and I j-just g-got a new j-j-job and was r-really b-busy," I mumble for Amy to hear so she can tell the others. She repeats what I said and everyone is even more in shock now.

"Oh," Charles says.

"Do you have any idea what you're going to do now, y/n?" Rosa asks, seemingly concerned.

"P-probably t-travel the w-world. I-it's m-my dream. H-he t-told me to f-f-follow my d-dreams."

"We wish you all the best then, y/n. Call any of us anytime," she reassures. Then everyone comes in and hugs me, every single one of them at least with glossy eyes.

*on your death bed*

I never did get over Jake. At least, not fully. I had a few other partners but none of them compared to him. I travelled the world. I saw France, the UK, Australia, Belgium, Egypt, India, China, Thailand and many more. Then I moved to England and lived the life that Jake and I planned, only I made a few adjustments since I didn't have Jake. I adopted 2 kids. Twins, in fact. Now they both have their own kids and are living their lives to the fullest. Overall, it's been a pretty fulfilling life.

Now here I lie, ready for the next stage, death. I'm finally going to see my Jakey again. I've longed for this day since his death. Gradually, everything goes dark. Then, I see a light and I approach it. I can see the Golden Gates to Heaven. And standing there, waiting for me, is my Jacob Peralta. I run into his arms.

"I missed you, Peralta," I say.

"Well now we're together again. And we will be forever."

--------------------------------

Old Habits Die Hard (Sweet Pea) Pt.2

Part One

The next time you saw Sweet Pea was after the little rumble between the North and Soutside. It was as a form of payment for the Serpent Prince, also known as Jughead Jones. He had used the help of Betty to get a message to you to meet him in Sunnyside Trailer park - he had a deal he wanted to discuss with you.

Turns out, he was determined to become a Serpent. FP was still in prison, someone had to run the Serpents. Even though you had moved to the Southside, Jughead had heard many of the teen Serpents talking about you like some sort of mega-badass. He figured if you were to back him up the Serpens would take him more seriously. In return he would take special care to make sure your friends your family wouldn’t get hurt.

You, of course, agreed. You figured it was about time you gave back your jacket. You cried on the way to the Whyte Wyrm from Jughead’s. You felt like you were giving up your entire life. From this point on, you would have no part of the Serpens left with you minus your tattoos. Your family had obviously disowned you, so why should you continue to keep them with you?

When Jughead flung open the doors to the Wyrm, you immediately spotted Sweet Pea at his usual pool table playing against Tallboy. You could feel the judging stares, but continued to keep your head up like you didn’t care. Like it didn’t hurt.

“I think these Northsiders are lost,” Sweet Pea called, making a shot before standing up straight to face Jughead.

“We’re not,” Jughead replied for the both of you. “I’m over being half a Serpent. “

“Wow,” Sweet Pea replied, bumping past Jughead to the other side of the pool table. “You will do anything to protect your Northside buddies.” You saw Toni looking at you from the corner of your eye but refused to look at her, staying focused on Jughead and acting like a cold-blooded bitch.

“My father was a Serpent,” Jughead shot back. “He led you. I wanna stand with you guys,” He looked around the bar before continuing. “Tallboy was the one who gave me this jacket. It’s finally time I start wearing it.”

Tallboy stood up from where he was lining up his shot, slowly walking over to Jughead. “So, now you wanna be a Serpent, huh?”

His eyes slowly shifted from Jughead to you, meeting your steely gaze. “What about you, Y/N? What are you here for?”

You cleared your throat, walking until you were face-to-face with the long-haired man. “Look, I know you aren’t going to take Jughead seriously. But, I’ve seen him exhibit Serpent traits on many occasions. I’ve seen how loyal he is, seen him fix problems with words instead of violence. Things many Serpents,” You paused you shoot a fixed look at the Serpents you once called your friends, “Have yet to learn. He knows what he’s getting into, Tallboy. And I know he’ll make FP proud.”

“So what?” Sweet Pea called out, stomping to Tallboy’s side. “You’re here to show your support for your little Northside buddy? You aren’t a Serpent anymore, Y/N. Your opinion doesn’t matter here.”

You knew Sweet Pea was talking out of his ass like always, just being his emotionally challenged self. He was never good with showing how he felt. But, it still pissed you off. You gritted your teeth, not giving him the satisfaction of a smartass response, instead choosing to cut right to the chase. You slid off your Serpent jacket, feeling the smooth leather glide against your skin.

The sound of leather hitting the wooden floor ceased all conversations nearby. You lifted your eyes from where your jacket now lay at your ex-boyfriend’s feet, gazing around the room at the faces of the people you once called your family.

Without another word you walked out the doors of the Whyte Wyrm, not turning back to glance at the only home you had ever known.

The next time you saw any of the Serpents was at a drag race against the Ghoulies. You were sitting beside your newfound friend Reggie on the hood of a truck, a cup filled with something in your hand, a pack of pixie-sticks in your pocket. You could finally stand to see the colorful paper straws without a sick feeling reminding you of Jingle Jangle.

You could see the Serpents on their bikes a mere few feet away. Seeing them made your heart ache, especially since all of your old friends had come along. It made you long for the feeling of a smooth leather Serpent Jacket on your skin again. But, no matter how sad it made you, that part of your life was over with. You had even taken to covering up your tattoos with bracelets and makeup, trying to hide the past you hated to admit you missed.

You cheered as Tallboy announced it was time for the race to start, laughing when Reggie almost fell off the hood when you shoved him for cheering right in your ear. “Reggie can you not be so obnoxious today?” You asked with a laugh as the boy pulled you to his side. “C’mon, Y/N! Get pumped!”

“I’m going to pump you if you don’t let go of me Reginald!”

Reggie groaned and removed his arm, allowing you to slide off the hood to get some more ice from the cooler everyone was -surprisingly- sharing. You filled your cup up, sliding a few pieces in your mouth to chew and relish in the refreshing cold. It was hot as hell outside.

“I see you’re having fun with your new friends,” A voice ridiculed from behind you.

You turned around, staring at your ex-boyfriend with an unamused expression. “Yes I am. That’s generally what you do when all of your old friends want nothing to do with you,” You replied easily, not allowing yourself to give him the reaction he wanted.

Sweet Pea scoffed, crossing his arms. “Just didn’t know you were such a mutt-lover, Honeybee.”

You could feel your anger spike at the name. How dare he call you that after how he had treated you. You took another chunk of ice into your mouth, coaxing yourself to cool down before responding.

“And I always thought Serpent law said no Serpent stands alone. But ever since I found out I was being forced to leave the Southside, I’ve been left standing alone. So in a way, I guess we were both wrong.”

With that you left the boy standing by himself, much like the Serpents had left you, not allowing him the chance to reply. It didn’t take long for Reggie to figure out something upset you. He shot the Serpent he had seen you talking to a glare, receiving one in return.

Sweet Pea didn’t speak a word to anyone for the rest of the day.

When you found out FP was finally getting released from prison, you cried. Like a baby. Not that you would ever admit to it. When you finally saw and hugged the man that raised you more than your parents ever did, you cried even harder, bottling up all of your sadness for months on end tends to make you cry about everything. Of course, you told Jughead if he ever told anyone you would gut him like a fish.

So, when Betty and Jughead came to you with the idea of throwing him a retirement party you reluctantly agreed. FP knew you were no longer a part of the Serpents, but he didn’t exactly know why. It made dancing around the topic kind of hard. But, you allowed yourself to forget your stresses when the party finally came.

Most of the older Serpents didn’t seem to care that you had turned in your jacket, they had known you since you were an annoying little brat begging for rides on motorcycles and trying to not cry when you scraped your knee on the rusty playground that resided on the Southside.

Eventually you had to take a break from catching up, settling down at the bar beside Archie, who was stressing over performing with Veronica (which she didn’t know was going to happen). You found it slightly amusing to see him so wound up, but you could understand where he was coming from. It was kind of intimidating to stand in front of all those gang members and have them judge you.

You decided to help calm his nerves, taking his mind off of his performance by telling him stories of embarrassing moments you had witnessed and unfortunately had in the Whyte Wyrm.

“When I still lived on the Southside my friends and I spent every single day here. It was before Sweet Pea and I started dating, back when we both danced around the fact we liked each other. Every time we came here he would spend a least an hour playing pool with Fangs. I never really saw the fun in it because I had never learned how to play.

Well, one day he decided he was going to teach me. He helped me get the so-called ‘form’ right, and showed me how to line up a shot. Well, he failed to inform me on how hard I should hit the ball. So, when he stood at the other end of the table, waiting for his turn I lined up the shot like he showed me and hit the ball with the poolstick. I hit it so hard that it practically flew through the air and hit him directly in the crotch. He blacked out for a good ten seconds and couldn't walk right for a day or two. Yet somehow he still wanted to be with me... I still think the ball hit him so hard it messed with his head.”

 Archie laughed at your story, relaxing a little bit. Then, he seemed to get a curious glint in his eyes. “Do you ever miss being a Serpent?” The ghost of a smile appeared on your face.

“More than you’ll ever know.”

The day you got your Serpent tattoo was probably both the happiest and most terrifying day of your life. It was happy because you would finally be an official member of the Southside Serpents, the group that had looked out for you since you were a kid.

It was terrifying because, well, you were scared of needles. It was a fact Sweet Pea often teased you for. In return you always brought up the time Fangs pantsed him in front of the whole school. He tried to run after him, but he tripped over his own pants.

But, despite his teasing, Sweet Pea refused to leave your side any time you had to get a shot or had to be around needles. And this time was no different.

While you settled into your chair, laying your arm wrist-up on the table so the guy could tattoo the Serpent Emblem on your inner-wrist he was right beside you. “It doesn’t hurt,” He promised, sliding his hand into your free one so you could squeeze it if you needed to.

“Remember that time you skinned from your wrist to your elbow? That hurt way worse than this will.” Giving him a smile, and his hand a tight squeeze, you nodded to the guy, letting him know to start the tattooing.

You didn’t let go of his hand until you were already at your trailer.

It wasn't long into your Christmas break that Jughead Jones marched through your door with a favor to ask of you. Apparently, he had trusted the Snake Charmer and fell right into her trap. And now FP was being brought into it as well.

“Jug, why are you telling me this? I’m not involved with the Serpents anymore, remember.”

Jughead groaned, giving you an extremely desperate look. “Please, Y/N. I just want you to come help me talk to the younger Serpents. They were your friends, right? Toni and Fangs talk about you all the time. Even if you don’t consider yourself a Serpent anymore, they trust your opinion. A Serpent never sheds its skin. You’ll always be a Serpent deep down. Even without the jacket.”

You could feel Sweet Pea’s eyes on you once you stepped off of your bike. Jughead had managed to coerce you into helping him yet again. You hated to admit I, but the boy had a way with words.

You knew he wanted to demand to know why you were at their little secret meeting. But, a sharp look from Toni made him keep his mouth shut. Fangs, however, gave you a smile, mouthing a ‘hi’ to you before he turned his attention to their leader’s son.

“So what’s this about, Jones?”

Jughead cleared his throat, a hard look overtaking his face as he began to explain the situation at hand. “Penny Peabody has my dad dealing drugs. I know this because she had me doing this before him. Now, she’s roped in Tallboy, and Sweet Pea-”

“Man, if you’re pissed because your old man tapped me instead of you-” Sweet Pea cut Jughead off, only to be cut off in return.

“No, Sweet Pea. I’m pissed because I don’t want the Serpents to end up like the Ghoulies. And I doubt that any of you became Serpents just to be at the beck-and-call of a drug Queen Pin. I know where this ends. Death, jail. Which is why, in the interest of self-preservation...we have to take out Penny.”

“Snake Charmer’s helped some of us,” Sweet Pea replied.

“Oh yeah?” Jughead asked, looking at the other Serpent. “And what did she ask for in return, Sweet PEa? How many favors? Now if we don’t stop Penny tonight, she is going to get every single one of us in on this. I promise you. I promise you, Sweet Pea.” You watched as Sweet Pea and Fangs shared a look, thinking over what Jughead just said.

“What I’m asking is,” Jughead continued. “Are you willing to risk your necks to save my dad’s life?” 

“What is the first law?” Toni called out, standing up from leaning on her motorcycle.

A minute later Sweet Pea answered. “No serpent stands alone.”

You looked up and saw him staring directly at you as he stood and walked to Jughead’.s side. “I’m in.”

“Me too.” Toni replied.

You watched as Fangs stood up, determination clear on his face. “Let’s do this.”

You felt their eyes turn to you from where you stood. You took a deep breath and shook your head. You slowly walked to join them at where they stood in front of the flaming barrel.

“In Unity There Is Strength.”

That night your group of rebellious Serpents went to Penny’s hideout, being careful to not alert the older Serpents as to what you were doing. The last thing you needed was for them to ruin your plan. It was strange being surrounded by Serpents again. But it also felt like coming home after a long trip.

You couldn’t help but snicker when you saw the fearless Snake Charmer helplessly tied up on the ground. It brought you a sick sort of pleasure to see her feel how most of the people she did business with felt. Helpless, cornered...fucked over.

When Jughead began informing her that she will never return to Riverdale, her eyes slid over to you. A pitiful look overtook her face, attempting to get you to soften up. “Honeybee, I’ve never done you wrong, have I? These snakes abandoned you when you needed them. But I’ve helped you out on more than one occasion. Especially when you were hooked on JJ.”

Time seemed to come to a standstill when those words left her mouth. Your past with Jingle Jangle was something you had never admitted to anyone. It was an addiction you had kept under everyone’s noses. Even now, no one knew. No one but FP, who had helped you get off of the stuff.

“What is she talking about?” Sweet Pea demanded, an intense look in his eyes.

“Oopsies,” Penny smirked. “I’m guessing you never told them about that? Yikes. If I would have known I wouldn’t have said anything. When you stopped coming to me for more I just assumed you found a cheaper supplier.”

“You were on Jingle Jangle? When?” Sweet Pea questioned angrily, hands balled into fists at his sides. But the anger wasn’t directed at you. He was angry at himself for not noticing.

Penny laughed, obviously finding it funny that he didn’t know. “When wasn’t she on it? She tried to stay away, but I guess you could say she had a big sweet tooth.”

“Were you just not going to tell us you were doing drugs, Y/N?” Sweet Pea demanded, obviously not very happy something like that had been kept hidden from him. “You should have fucking told me. Serpents shouldn’t have to go through that shit alone.”

“Yeah, well you’ve made it quite clear I’m no longer a Serpent, Sweet Pea, so it isn’t your fucking problem. Just yet another thing I had to deal with on my own while we were together,” You snapped.

“Maybe we should focus on the task at hand,” You remarked before Sweet Pea could open his mouth, crossing your arms over your chest as you glared at the Snake Charmer. Taking the hint that you wanted the attention away from you, Jughead cleared his throat, getting the attention back on him.

“I don’t care where you set up shop. But it’s not going to be in Riverdale. And it’s not going to be with the Serpents. You wanna deal drugs? You wanna extort people? That’s your business. But not on the Southside. That belongs to us.”

Penny laughed, shaking her head. “You stupid, cocky kid. Serpent law says you can’t hurt one of your own,” She replied, lifting her sleeve to show her tattoo.

"Oh Penny...It’s time you learn,” Jughead stated, standing up and taking off his jacket. “Grab her.”

Toni and Sweet Pea quickly shot over to her sides, grabbing her arms and holding her down. She screamed to be let go, but you all knew that would never happen. Jughead knelt down and opened his knife. “You hurt one of your own by giving Y/N Jingle Jangle. And that tattoo doesn’t make you a Serpent.”

Penny’s screams filled the quiet night as Jughead slowly cut off the tattoo on her arm. She deserved it, there was no way you could deny it. But you couldn’t help but imagine yourself in her place. The thought of having a blade slice off the thin skin on your inner wrist made you turn away with a grimace, unable to watch the process any longer.

When all was said and done Penny was left a sobbing mess in the woods. Considering a couple of the young Serpents actually puked while watching the barbaric tattoo removal, you didn’t feel so bad about having to turn away.

You left wordlessly once it was over, not wanting to stick around a group you no longer belonged to any longer than necessary. You could feel Sweet Pea’s eyes on you, but you didn’t want to meet his gaze. The hurt you knew would be there would only make you regret the way you snapped at him.

His eyes didn’t leave your figure until you had disappeared from his sight. He was still trying to soak in the fact that you had went through an addiction to Jingle Jangle right under his nose. He never even noticed.

It made his chest ache, wondering how you must have felt when you were going through it. How abandoned you must feel thanks to his not knowing how to handle you leaving. It was his fault you had turned in your jacket. If he would have just told you that he was scared you would find someone better than him on the Northside you would still be spending every Friday night with him at his trailer, watching movies that would give you nightmares for weeks.

He had just been so scared you would find someone that could give you everything you wanted and would treat you like a boyfriend should - not be scared to tell you how he felt and cover up his emotions with snarky comments and a cold attitude.

He missed having you by his side, always ready to put him in his place when he had an attitude, somehow knowing how to calm down his explosive temper with a single touch. He had been in love with you since you were kids, and he would never be able to stop loving you. You were ingrained into ever fiber of his being.

He had to find a way to make things right.

The next morning you found a box with your name written on it in sharpie on your front porch. You brought it into your room and plopped on your bed, equal parts scared of and curious about what was in it.

When you opened it you saw a piece of paper with very familiar handwriting. Slowly, you picked it up, scanning the words written on it.

“Reasons I Suck At Being A Serpent

1) I let you stand alone because I was pissed you were leaving the Southside.

2)  I was too scared to tell you the real reason I was pissed that you were moving to the Northside. The truth is I was scared you would find a guy that can treat you better than I ever could.

3) I hurt you for the stupidest reasons when we were together.

4) I didn’t treat you like I should have. I was an asshole to you so many times when I should have been holding you close and telling you how beautiful you are. Even when you fell asleep in class and had marker smudged all over your face because you doodled on your hand.

5) I didn’t tell you that I love you enough. I wanted to tell you I love you every time I woke up with you in my arms, holding you tight like a lifeline. I was too afraid to let you break down the walls I worked so hard to put up. The truth is, those walls never kept you out. You’ve always been the one able to pass through them like a ghost and it terrified me.

6) I didn’t notice something was up with you when you were on Jingle Jangle. I should have been able to tell you were going through something and needed me to help you through it.

7) When you were on JJ, you should have felt like I was someone you could turn to and help you get through it. But, I never gave you enough proof that I was. It’s no one’s fault but my own, and if I’m ever given the chance I will make sure you never feel that way again.

I’m sorry for everything, Y/N. I’m sorry I didn’t love you the way I should have. I’m sorry I don’t know how to express my emotions properly. I’m sorry for being the reason you want nothing to do with the Serpents. We’re your family, and the fact I hurt you enough to make you feel like we don’t care shows just how much I fucked up.

But, if there is even the smallest chance you could ever forgive me and come back to us, meet me at the Whyte Wyrm Saturday at 9 pm. If not, I can’t blame you for not wanting to risk your heart again. I want to be the boyfriend you have always deserved.

- S.P “

You finished reading the letter, slowly sitting it down next to you before reaching back into the box. When you pulled your hand back out, it was holding your leather Serpent jacket.

Considering whether or not I should do a Part 3 to wrap it all up, or let you guys come up with the ending you want. What do you think?

@chloe-skywalker @unaveragewriterfreak @poolpartyingwithjaws

Sense Of Love [Finale] | Minho

Visions of a brighter side.

[Masterlist] [Nine]

MINHO

The minutes that passed once we arrived at the hospital were the worst. I got separated from Y/N when the doctors went to take her into surgery. Hours had gone by as I waited for the doctor to come back with information. In that time, Jonghyun and Onew arrived shortly after, followed by Taemin and Key once Onew called them. All of us pacing around waiting and with no way of calming our nerves.

Eventually, one of the doctors came out of the operating room. He seemed exhausted but had a calm expression on his face.

“Are you all here for Y/N?” He asks the five of us.

I nod, “Yes, is she gonna be okay?”

He smiles and nods, “There were multiple contusions and lacerations on the left side of her body along with some head and spine trauma. It was push and pull for awhile but she’s stable now.”

“You said head trauma? Is there a possibility of her loss of vision?”

He shrugs, “We won’t know much more until she wakes up.”

“Can we see her?”

The doctor has taken us to the room. Upon entering, I had to hold onto Onew and Jonghyun for support or else I would’ve collapsed on the floor from the sight. Y/N was lying in the bed with a neck brace on along with bruises, a cast on her arm, and a bandage on the side of her head from where she was bleeding from earlier. My heart breaks from how much pain she must be in. All because of me.

It seems like so much time goes by as I sat at her bedside watching her and waiting for her to open her eyes. Her hand resting in mine without any movement each time I squeezed it. I told Onew and Jonghyun to head home since there was nothing more for them to do. I stayed along with Key and Taemin.

With my eyes feeling heavier, I get a tap on my shoulder. Looking up, I see Key gesturing towards the door.

“Come on, let’s get some coffee.”

I shake my head, “I’m fine.”

“It’s okay,” Taemin adds, “I’ll stay with her.”

I hesitated to leave her side but ultimately stood to walk out of the room with Key. The aching feeling of leaving Y/N made me want to run back into the room but I needed to get myself together first.

Key puts a few coins into the coffee machine. We stay silent for a moment until a thought comes to mind.

“Was she okay the last time you saw her?”

He sighs, “You mean after you crushed her heart? No, she was trying to put up a front but I could see that it was destroying her on the inside.”

“I love her. I love her so much that I had to make sure she didn’t get mixed up in my bullshit. I never thought that her feelings were mutual.”

“She took a car for you. If that isn’t love then I don’t know what is. I know that Taemin and I have given you nothing BUT shit but we only did it because she means a lot to us. We only want what’s good for her especially since she’s been through so much crap growing up that she never deserved. When she got involved with you, I was worried but then I saw how much happier she was and thought that maybe this was her time. It was time for her to love and be loved.”

“I’m sorry for how I’ve treated her. If she loses her eyesight again I will gladly give her mine without hesitation.”

He shakes his head, “I don’t wanna hear apologies about what you did. What I want to know is are you gonna be there when she wakes up? No more bullshit on your part?”

“Yes. Vision or no vision, I’ll take care of her.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that.”

Time continued to pass as the days kept going. It had been a week since the accident. Police came to talk to me about Hyun-Ki and I told them everything they needed to know in order to get him behind bars. Him and his friends won’t be an issue for me anymore since they already have numerous charges against them from not just me but other people they blackmailed for money. Plus, Hyun-Ki was getting a harsher sentence for attempted murder on me along with a hit-and-run charge for Y/N.

Onew has been holding off the media from following up on everything. I haven’t done any interviews about my win or any media things since the fight. Key and Taemin keep assuring me that they would stay with her but I don’t wanna leave Y/N for anything.

We were just waiting at this point for her to wake up. Doctors have taken scans of her brain and they look normal but they don’t know why she hasn’t woken up yet. They say that there’s nothing to worry about but each passing day I’m scared the worse might happen.

It’s the middle of the night as I stay by Y/N’s side with her hand in mine. Key asleep on the pull out bed and Taemin dozing off on the armchair in the corner. Or so I thought.

“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I mean you were an ass but I understand that you did it to keep Y/N safe.”

I shake my head, “Some plan. I wanted to protect her but she ended up protecting me.”

Taemin ruffles his hair, “Never thought I would say this but I’m actually jealous of you.”

“I’m used to it.” I say jokingly.

He scoffs, “It’s not for anything physical. Since I’ve known Y/N she’s never sparked any type of interest in anyone. Then you came along and all that changed for her.”

“How long have you had feelings for her?”

He smiles reminiscing on the past, “Since she started training me at the cafe. Key was less helpful training me so she took it upon herself to teach me the right way. She took her time to make sure I understood everything without any worry.”

“She’s always been caring.” I say looking at her sleeping face.

“Never changed and she’s always stood her ground against anyone so no one could ever take advantage of her.”

“I can see that. You and Key have been with her for so long. Your friendship being the most valuable to her. What do you have to be jealous of?”

He smirks before looking at Y/N then back at me, “The way she looks at you is how I’ve always imagined her looking at me someday.” He sighs, “The sad truth is that she only sees me as a little brother and I’ve slowly but surely come to terms with that. As long as I can see her be happy then that’s all that matters to me.”

The next day, Taemin and Key leave the hospital to deal with some business related things with the cafe. They didn’t want to leave Y/N but knowing her, she would’ve been upset if they let anything happen to the cafe.

I just finished cleaning up around the room when I sit at her bedside. I stare at her sleeping face with my eyes begin to well up again. Since bringing her in to the hospital, I’ve been holding back the tears. Now that I was alone with her I felt that I could let it out.

“Another day gone by and you’re still sleeping.” I chuckle to myself thinking back to the time when she woke me up early in the morning, “You hassled me to get up the first time you came to my house. Now it’s my turn to get you up. Right?” I ask as if she was gonna spring up to shoo me away.

Wanting so badly to hold her, I slide into the bed at her side and wrap her arm around me with my head lying on her chest. “Don’t you think you’ve slept enough?”

The silence continued. The only thing I could hear was her heart beating.

The tears begin to slide down across my eyes, “I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m sorry for being an asshole to you since the beginning. You never deserved to get treated like shit. I just kept pushing you away once I realized how much you really meant to me. I hurt you so much but you still went and took a car for me. Once you wake up, I’m gonna give you so much scolding for doing something so dumb especially for someone like me. Then when that’s done with, I’ll kiss you like crazy and make love to you. I’ll give you everything you deserve because I love you.”

I begin to sob in her chest when I feel something run through my hair. I reach up to grab it to feel that it was a hand.

“You still talk a lot.”

I look up to Y/N’s fluttering open, “Y/N?” I sit up to take a look at her to be sure that I wasn’t imagining things

She hums, “Did I miss the afterparty?”

I cup her face as I cover her face in kisses, “I was so scared that you wouldn’t-” Before I could finish, she places her fingertips over my mouth.

“I’m okay but are you okay?” She asks with a smile.

“Physically, thanks to you but emotionally, not so good.”

“Don’t worry.” She smiles. “I’m a trooper.”

I begin to think that all my worries about her vision are put aside until I start to realize that familiar gaze she had.

Y/N

I wasn’t surprise when I woke up to see nothing. My vision wasn’t completely dark but it was foggy enough to not be able to see anything in detail. Even though I couldn’t see anything, I knew that Minho was the one at my bedside when I woke up.

Soon after waking up and a couple tests were done on me, I was discharged from the hospital since I had no major injuries to my body besides a couple fractures and a broken forearm. I was confined to a wheelchair for some time since my body was still recovering from the hit.

With a lot of arguments from Key and Taemin, they wouldn’t let me come to the cafe because they knew that I would try to work with them. They knew nothing could stop me from working, even vision.

I’d visit the school a few times but not as much as I’d like since I was still pretty weak to be able to spend time with the kids. Minho took my place in playing around with the kids as I sat nearby to hear the laughter and fun they were having. I loved hearing his laugh while he played with them. I could hear the joy return to his voice since waking up.

Minho’s been the most supportive since getting out of the hospital. He never lift my side for anything. After being released, he started staying over my apartment since he’d get worried leaving me alone. I suggested being together at his place but he argued by saying that my apartment was where I knew it best to get around. So he basically moved in helping me with anything that was too difficult for me to do. Being blind was almost like riding a bike after ten years.

Eventually, the feeling of guilt ended up occurring since he just won the championship belt. He should’ve been celebrating his win with parties, doing interviews, and filming commercials, but instead he was stuck with me. He quickly set it straight that being with me all the time was the biggest reward than any championship win.

Once I was able to leave the hospital, I came to see Dr. Park for a diagnosis on my eyes. Minho came with me as well. He ran the usual test on my eyes that I was used to but something tells me that I was going to be getting a different opinion than usual.

I hear him sigh, “I wish I could say that everything looks normal but this time I can’t be sure.”

“What do you mean you can’t be sure?” Minho asks slightly raising his voice which causes me to search for his hand to calm him.

“There’s still some bruising in your brain which makes it difficult to determine whether your blindness is temporary like Minho’s case or if it’s permanently damaged from the accident.”

“Your saying there’s still a chance for recovery?” I ask.

Dr. Park is silent for a moment before he answers, “To be honest, in any other case, there’s a low chance of regaining your vision after already having surgery done.”

“And in my case?”

“I’d say anything is possible since we’ve already been here once before when you were a little girl.” He adds, “If you would like we can schedule for another check up once the swelling in your brain has gone down to see if anything can be done.”

I shake my head, “That’s okay, Dr. Park.”

“Y/N?” Minho calls out to me with a worried tone, “It’s not okay.”

I stop him before he could go into a whole lecture about it all, “No, really. I’m fine. I was given a second chance to see and I feel like I’ve gotten to see as much as I wanted in that time, including the most handsome man that I fell in love with.” I smile picturing his face staring at me. “I can continue living in happiness with that.”

MINHO

As time past, I was concerned for Y/N. She was fully accepting of losing her vision again but I got worried that she might begin to fall into depression after a while. To my surprise, she was as happy as ever. As much as I wanted to take extra care of her, she would constantly take me by surprise with how well she could take care of herself. After awhile, I was able to let go a little bit.

A little over a week goes by when I surprise her with a weekend getaway. Y/N has felt bad about me not having the chance to celebrate my title win so I made this vacation the excuse. I also wanted her to get away from home for a while.

Once we arrived from the airport, it was still dark out since it was early in the morning. I rented a car and drove to the hotel while Y/N took a nap. Before we head to the hotel, I decide to take the opportunity to do something for Y/N.

“We’re here.” I say guiding her out of the car.

She smells the air, “I don’t recall our hotel being near the ocean.”

I chuckle, “Of course, I wouldn’t be able to hide anything from you.”

We arrive to the beach where the sun would be rising soon. Even though she couldn’t see it, I knew that she would be experiencing it through her senses. Before reaching the sand, I kneel in front of her to take off her shoes and socks.

I lead Y/N through the sandy opening until we reach the shoreline. Once we stop, she takes a breath of air when she smiles then leans into my side. Soon enough the sun started to rise lighting up the entire ocean in front of us.

Y/N grips my waist tighter, “Thank you, Minho.”

I kiss her temple, “Anything you want I’ll do everything I can to make it happen for you.”

“What about you? What do you want?” She asks.

“Being here with you is everything I’d ever want. To be honest, I wish you still had your vision. Not because it’s hard but because I feel like I’m the only one enjoying our time together since you can’t see every bit of it happening.”

“Minho, I’m happy. Just because I don’t see everything that doesn’t mean I’m not aware of how much you love me.”

“I just keep thinking about how it should’ve been me to get hit by the car. At least with me, I would’ve been fine.”

She smiles shaking her head, “You could’ve risked your career. I had nothing to lose but you. When I took the car for you, the last thing I was thinking about was my vision.”

I shake my head, looking down at the sand. “I just can’t accept that.”

“Can I tell you something?” I nod as her hand strokes my cheek, “Not to ruin the moment or anything but I’ve been holding it in since we got off the plane?”

I nod, “What is it?”

She points at my eyes, “You have some crusties harboring in the inner corners of your eyes.”

“Oh, I didn’t even bother to check that. It was a long flight and-” As I’m rubbing my eyes the statement starts to hit me, “How did you…?”

She smiles as her eyes look deep into mine differently than before, this time they knew what they were looking at. “Surprise.”

My heart begins to race as I pull her into a hug, “How long have you had your vision?”

She shrugs, “A few days. Things started to get clearer day by day until I could see everything again then that day we went to the school, I could see you playing with the kids. I wanted to surprise you during our time away from home and now seemed like the best time to do it.”

The joy I was feeling was bursting in my heart. I lift Y/N into my arms and swing her around. “Let’s get married.”

“Huh?” Her eyes widen. “Don’t you think that’s a little soon?”

“Not at all but I just wanna top this happiness.”

Dr. Park was right. Y/N’s case is different than any other person. She’s been through so many things over her life that nothing could ever bring her down. She faced death twice and still came back with a positive outlook on life. Before meeting her, I had no care in the world for anyone. My only objective in life was to fight. When Y/N came to me, I found that I don’t always have to fight on my own. At this point, I can’t see myself without her. She saved me multiple times and for that I owe her my whole life. I plan on making it up to her by marrying her, having kids with her, and growing old together. I plan to love her until the day I die.

[Epilogue]

Gætir (13)

Pairing: Thor Odinson x Reader, Bucky Barnes x platonic!Reader

Word Count: 3,167

Tag List: @givemeanorigami, @ktjnn, @dreamingaboutthewonderland, @whatisanniedoin, @msvega24, @champion-ofthe-sun, @art-flirt, @moose-on-the-l00se, @snowstorm8162, @loricwizardbluetoastedcake

PREVIOUS - NEXT

Chapter Thirteen:

Tomorrow was the day. Tomorrow, you’d either defeat Eskil or die trying. You weren’t sure what that would entail; how many people you’d have to fight, how many injuries you’d sustained. All you knew what that the past few weeks had led up to that moment.

But there were some things you had to deal with first.

You spent the first half of the day training rigorously with the Avengers. You were prepared for everything. Super strength, magic, tactical combat. In fact, you were over-prepared, in your opinion. When the afternoon came along, you showered quickly, ready to take a trip instead of rest, like everyone suggested.

You were quietly making your way toward the entrance when you were caught by Bucky. “Where are you going?”

You turned back to look at him, “Out.”

“Out?”

“I’m sorry. Am I a prisoner?” You snapped.

“No, of course not.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “You should just rest for tomorrow.”

You stared him down, not even trying to mask your suspicion. “You think I’m leaving? Like leaving leaving?”

Bucky shrugged dramatically and let out a quiet, incredulous chuckle, “I’ve known you since you were a kid, and yet, you’re still so unpredictable. How do I know that you’re not gonna walk out and try to do this by yourself?”

You cringed at his question. Just the thought of facing Eskil alone made you want to throw up. Whether it was the fact that you'd gotten closer to some Avengers or it was a tactical standpoint, you weren’t sure. “As much as I hate to admit it, I can’t do this alone. So no, I’m not leaving.”

“Y/N.” Bucky started. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you got yourself hurt.”

“Your purpose in life is not to protect me, Bucky. You have nothing to make up for.”

“It’s not about a debt. We’re friends now, Crimson. Even if you can’t say it.”

You felt the corners of your mouth tugging upwards as you gave him a tiny smile. Friends were scarce for you. And sure, the friendship had come about in a twisted, messed up way, but you were friends nonetheless. If it came down to it, you’d lay your life down for him, and you knew he’d do the same. Having friends was weird, but it was definitely something you could get used to.

“I have somewhere to go.” You nodded. “I’ll be back later, I swear.”

You didn’t wait for a response from Bucky as you walked out the front door of the Tower, throwing your hood up. Entering the Avengers’ garage, you decided that Tony wouldn’t miss one of his many motorcycles as you hopped on. You pulled the helmet on and revved the engine just in time for Tony to come out. “I didn’t say you could use that.”

“Thanks, Tony!”

Tony rolled his eyes as he watched you ride away, but felt a small pang in his chest. Maybe I’m developing a sweet spot for her, he thought. As he walked back to the lab, he groaned in pain, clutching the side where you’d left a large bruise from training. He let out a sarcastic chuckle as he turned in the opposite direction and went to the medbay. “Or maybe not.” He muttered.

Meanwhile, you rode the motorcycle out if New York, onto the back roads that winded and were free of traffic. Just barely recognizing the road, you made the infamous left turn onto a dirt road that changed your life. You slowed the bike to a stop as you saw the pile of leaves and branches that, to the untrained eye, would look like a pile of leaves and branches. You stepped out of the car slowly, taking deep breaths as you inched towards the pile. You reached out a hand and pulled a branch away, your breath hitching as you recognized the old, rusting hatchback. Looking in the window, you could even see a few of your sisters’ old toys.

You stepped back, taking a deep breath as you clenched your fist. You looked into the glass and stared at your reflection. When you saw your eyes, glowing blue from your anger, you reared back and pushed forward, sending your fist through the glass. After examining the few small cuts on your knuckles, you reached in and unlocked the door so that you could slide inside.

As you sat in the backseat, you felt your breath quicken and your head start pounding. You blinked hard as you realized it was another flashback.

—

“So Y/N, you were excited when you came home.” Your father said as he drove along an unrecognizable road. “Something cool happened at school?”

Your brow furrowed as you lost focus, the drop of rain you’d been following lost forever. “Um, yeah. I learned a new song on the guitar.”

“That great!” Your mom smiled.

“How come we can’t play the guitar?” Harmony huffed.

“Because it’s mine.” You glared. “And every time I let you use something that’s mine, you break it.”

“Nuh-uh!” Melody answered loudly.

“No yelling.” Daniel reminded the twins. He looked at you softly in the rearview mirror as you slouched in your seat. He knew you were still upset about leaving our old life behind, and not having an explanation didn’t help. “Maybe you could teach your sisters how to play.”

You looked from your dad to the twins’ big doe eyes and sighed loudly. “Fine.” The two squealed as you continued over them, fighting back a smile. “But you can only play it when I’m with you.”

—

As your breathing evened out, you rubbed your thumb across your knuckles, finding the repeated movement soothing. Eyeing the toys on the car floor, you leaned over and picked them. You weren’t sure what they were; probably some character from a show the twins used to watch. All you knew was that was all you had left of them.

You got out of the car quickly and closed the door, determined to get this done as quickly as possible. You knew this trip would be emotional, so there was no need to make it harder.

You began walking, climbing over a few large stones and tree stumps to get to your first destination. A few minutes later, you arrived at the pond where you and your father used to go fishing. You looked out at the shimmering water, the sunlight reflecting off it and into your eyes. You squinted as you bent over to pick up a handful of rocks. When you stood back up, you tossed one in the air and caught it swiftly as you took a deep, shaky breath. “Hey, Dad.”

You angled your wrist to the side as you threw a rock and watched it skip at least six times. “Remember when we used to come out here after hunting and skip rocks? Guess now I know why mine always got further.”

You tossed another before you stood tall, looking up at the sky. “You were right. There are some terrible people out there. They wanna use your research for some evil shit.” You felt the wind blow a sharp, tough breeze as you chuckled weakly. “I’m grown, Dad. I’ll say shit if I want to.”

The wind died down after a few seconds. You skipped another rock, then another, before you spoke again. “I’m not gonna let them though. I know you probably don’t want me to. You want me to let the Avengers do it. But I have to, for us.”

You laughed quietly to yourself, “I never got to have a rebellious phase anyway.”

You prepared to skip another rock, but instead, let the rocks slip through your fingers and hit the ground with a few clicks. You tried not to look back as you walked away from the pond. “Bye Dad.”

—

You sat against a tree as you drew aimless patterns in the dirt. You threw a few blades of grass into that same brook from so long ago that carried the grass far away as you took a deep breath. You looked up at the sky, searching for any sign that someone might be listening, but sighed when you saw nothing. You threw your grass to the ground with a huff when you began to speak.

“Harmony, Melody, I know you both are up there ignoring me for shits and giggles, but I need you to listen to me for a second.”

The brook began to babble a bit louder as you continued softly, “I know we never got along. Siblings never do. But I loved you — I love you.”

“I should’ve heard that guy or told you to run or jumped in front of you. I don’t know.” You were fidgeting with your hands, your heart swelled with grief and guilt. “But I failed. And because I failed, you died. I’m sorry.”

You sniffed, wiping your tears before they could fall. “But I’m gonna make it right soon. I promise.”

Standing from the ground, you began walking toward the place where it all happened. You hesitated when you saw that cabin again. You hadn’t been there in so long. You weren’t sure that you wanted to go back in, but you knew that you had to. You took in all of its details although it was pretty much the same, just older and with more mold.

When you stepped up its stairs, they creaked ominously. You tried to ignore the feeling of nausea in the pit of your stomach and in the base of your throat. You didn’t want to live in the past, but, at this moment, you had no choice.

You opened the door and winced when you realized one of its hinges was still broken. You looked down at the broken floorboard and the blood stains that were still soaked into the wood. You sat down in front of the fireplace and pulled out a matchbook that you’d brought with you. You lit the kindle and let the fire flourish, relishing in its heat.

You took in a shaky breath and let it out slowly, “Hi Mom.”

“I, um, just found out you’re from a different realm. Wish you would’ve told me that; it explains why my skin is always so cold. I guess it’s pretty cool though.” You joked feebly. “And I met Uncle Nicholas. He’s cool, too. He misses you.”

You reach your hands out towards the fire and rubbed them together. “I miss you.”

Letting your mind wander, you unconsciously let yourself focus on the blood stain on the floor. You reached out your hand to touch it but quickly drew it back. “I know about Eskil. I swear to you, Mom, I’m gonna kill him.”

“But for the first time in my life, Mom, that scares me.” You said nervously. “Before now, I’ve never wanted to kill anyone. I killed because Hydra made me. But Eskil,” You paused, feeling anger flood through your veins. “I want to kill him. I want to see the life drain from his eyes, Mom. And that terrifies me. I don’t know who I’ll be after that.”

“I don’t know what killing him will make me.” You said, wiping away the tears that wet your cheeks. “But I have to do it. So here I am, one last time. This is who I am. How I want you to see me.”

You’d unconsciously lowered your voice to a whisper as you stared at the fire. “I don’t want you to see me become a monster.”

Standing up, you stared at the fire for a bit longer than you meant to. As you looked around the cabin once more, you realized that you could not bear to look at it. It reminded you time and time again of the day everything was taken from you.

You leaned over and grabbed a spare piece of wood from a pile of twigs and branches. You held to the fire and let it catch before pulling it away. As you walked out, you let your torch make contact with various pieces of furniture, the fires you were making never quite burning you.

When you stepped outside, the entire cabin was aflame. The sun was just beginning to set as the smoke whirled in the air, black ash mixing with it. You held your hand over your eyes as you squinted at the fire. You felt a strange sense of relief wash over as the fire engulfed everything that haunted you in your dreams. Every replay, every scream, every fight; you felt it slowly drip out of your mind.

“I love you, Mom.”

You knew it wasn’t gone forever, but it was gone for the moment. And as you glanced back at the fire one last time while walking away, you came to the conclusion that that was okay.

—

You sat on the roof of the Avengers tower, dreading tomorrow. Tomorrow was it. You were supposed to defeat Eskil, whatever that meant. The uncertainty of what was supposed to happen killed you. You could succeed. You could die.

All you had left was today.

You watched as the sunset on the horizon. You could feel the bright yellow sun shining on side of your face, the other susceptible to the shadows. You watched as the sky’s colors molded together. The yellows and the pinks and oranges all blending together to create a sense of calmness that you didn’t really want.

You wanted to be on edge, to be ready to do whatever was necessary to win. But watching the sunset before your very eyes made you feel like you could rest.

You weren’t sure if you were happy or sad about that.

You heard heavy footsteps coming towards you, but you didn’t turn to look. You knew who it was. “What is it, Thor?”

“How did you know it was me?” He said from behind you.

“It’s always you.” You mumbled to yourself as you shrugged. “I don’t suppose I can avoid you this time.”

“You can. But you haven’t moved.”

You saw him sit next to you in your peripheral vision. He watched the sunset with you for a minute or two before looking at you. He took note of how the sunlight highlighted your features, your skin almost shining. He never noticed how magnificent your Y/E/C eyes looked in the light. He took a deep breath, then spoke, “Tell me the truth.”

“I could if you asked a question.” You retorted, turning to look at him.  You knew what he was asking. You just didn’t want to answer. You were afraid to.

He deadpanned, “Does being sarcastic ever become tiring?”

“No.”

“Tell me the truth.” He repeated, his head lolling between his shoulders.

You resisted the urge to pull your knees to your chest as you sighed. That would show vulnerability, and you couldn’t do that. Not even with him. You cleared your throat, “The truth is, I can’t lie to you. And you can’t lie to me.”

Thor hummed in agreement.

“I feel,” You cringed a bit. Talking about your feelings was unusual for you. “I feel something, I think. For you. Something I’ve never felt before. Something I’m not sure I like.”

“I feel it, too.” He assured you.

“So?”

“What?”

“What the hell does that mean?” You asked. “I’ve never had to deal with… emotions. I don’t know what to do about this.”

“This?” Thor asked.

“This feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I look at you!” You groaned. “I want it gone.”

He chuckled, “It doesn’t work that way.”

“Why not?”

“Feelings aren’t just going to go away because you want them to. Trust me, I know. Sometimes, you must act on them.”

You felt your muscles tense as you clung to your legs. Acting on your feelings meant showing vulnerability. You’d been taught all your life that vulnerability is a bad thing, that it would be your downfall. You willed yourself to stay strong and to avoid showing all your pent-up emotions. “No.”

“And there’s your problem.” Thor pointed out. “Whatever connection we have cannot be fought, Y/N. So why bother?”

“I can’t.” You said as you cleared your throat.

Thor glanced over your features once more when it dawned on him. “You’re afraid to try.”

You turned your head to look at him. He had a look in his eye that bordered between seriousness and playfulness, a line that was too blurry to define. “I’m not afraid.” You told him.

“Then try.”

You weren’t sure how long you both just sat looking at each other. You could practically swim in the ocean that was his eyes. You didn’t register yourself leaning forward when you saw his eyes flicker down to your lips. You heard his breath catch when your noses touched and nuzzled together. Then, you closed the gap, softly pressing your lips to his as if the wind had given you a little nudge.

It was a short kiss and your first. (Or at least the first you could remember.)

You parted briefly and looked at each other, your eyes locking the both of you in that moment. You took the initiative to kiss him again, this time pulling him into something much deeper. Your lips moved together languidly as you placed on hand on his bicep and snuck the other up to his hair. You relished in the rumble of his chest as he groaned when you tugged on the short locks.

You gasped as he lifted you off the ground and placed you on his lap, all without breaking the kiss. He seized the opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth and slide it across your own. The feeling was out of the ordinary for you, but you couldn’t deny that you liked it.

You felt his hands travel over the expanse of your back, leaving a trail of heat in their wake. Your skin was still cold as it pressed to Thor’s, but he didn’t seem to mind. If anything, it added to the delight of the kiss.

When you were both out of breath, you pulled away. Your chest heaved as he looked into your eyes and chuckled. Eyeing his soft, swollen pink lips, your brow furrowed, “What?”

“It seems that your eyes also glow when you are,” He paused, searching for the right word. “Excited.”

You felt a burning heat creep up your neck and spread to your cheeks. You could feel your blood pounding in your ears while you cleared your throat. You untangled your limbs from his and took your seat next to him. You looked back out to the setting sun. “Don’t tell anyone.” You said, sounding more like a request than a demand.

He didn’t bother trying to hide his smile as he watched the sunset with you. “I would not dream of it.”

Forever Tags:

@jockarchie, @kimmy-h-life, @ben-platt-deserves-the-world , @thewordofthenerd , @wishuponastarlana, @yumel21, @here-for-your-bullshit, @bethbat, @iamafangirlofeverything

ENG 347 Blog Post #2 Dillon Rowe

1. Explore Elizabeth Acevedo’s online presence across social media and various literary communities. Briefly discuss something you find about her or her work that allows you to approach and/or frame your reading of The Poet X in a new or deeper way. Some places to start: Her official website, twitter account, Instagram account, interviews with NPR, other lit journals/websites, etc.

     I chose to search/examine Elizabeth Acevedo’s online presence on YouTube, and in my search discovered that The Poet X was heavily influenced by Acevedo’s own personal life and poetry. In her video with the YouTube channel ‘Epic Reads’, Acevedo mentions that she pulled poems from some of her own journals, particularly one from her junior year of high school. She described this process as being a “collaboration with my younger self” which I find so interesting and cool (Epic Reads).

     In another interview with PBS NewsHour, Elizabeth also described herself as being a “spare writer” (which is a term I had never heard before), and that the first draft of The Poet X was only 20,000 words before adding another 15,000 in revision. She also states that the process of writing The Poet X early on was to tell herself the story and sort the holes out from there. The last thing I want to highlight that I found (also from the PBS NewsHour interview) is that in her words, “The emotional truths of the story are my own”. With this bit of information in mind, I feel like I am going to pick The Poet X back up with a newfound level of love and respect for Xiomara as I know now that, as Elizabeth states, “The heart of [the story]” is autobiographical, although many of the plot points are not (Acevedo clarified that she didn’t get in trouble, and she wasn’t shy, unlike Xiomara) (PBS NewsHour).

2. The Poet X tackles Xiomara’s questions regarding religion, her struggle to be at home in a body that is often perceived in ways she can’t control, and her intense relationship with her mother.  Discuss a particular quote/page/poem that particularly that you believe has the potential to resonate with adolescent readers who are going through similar struggles to Xiomara. (Keep in mind our guiding question: What could this text do for adolescent readers?)

    The poem I selected from The Poet X that resonated with me (and that I think will resonate with adolescent readers) is “Ms. Galiano” from page 39 (this page may be different for you—I’m reading from a digital copy). The reason I chose this poem is because I think that all adolescents can or will relate to the feeling of being told “Oh you got THAT teacher?! They’re so strict or so uptight or assign so much work.”—especially in middle school and high school, which is around the grade level I imagine many The Poet X readers are. For me that teacher was my seventh-grade social studies teacher who, my sister described as being “wicked”. And not in the good connotation. But from day one, that teacher ended up being the exact opposite. In fact, that teacher my sister described as “wicked” ended up being one of my absolute all time favorite teachers. Was she strict? I guess, but she was doing her job and was trying to teach us—a bunch of punk ass tweens—a thing or two. Did she assign a lot of homework? Again, I guess, but I learned a LOT in that class that I can still recall today. And above else, did she care about her students? Absolutely. I used to test in alternate locations to minimize distractions, and I hadn’t studied for this particular geography test. She came to check on me and saw that I was distraught and was so keen on making sure that I was OK that she let me retest at a later date. And I know she would’ve done the same for any of her students!

    What this long winded anecdote is meant to suggest though is that I think we all had that one teacher. That teacher everyone says to be afraid of, but who turns out to be a genuinely amazing teacher, facilitator, and above all else, person. I think that adolescents reading The Poet X will find that, when they get to the poem “Ms. Galiano”, that a teacher of theirs comes to mind. I also think that adolescents who lack an authoritative, adult figure who loves and cares about them unconditionally, will resonate with the fact that, as Xiomara states, “… although it’s the first week of school, / and teachers always fake the funk the first week, / I have a feeling Ms. Galiano / actually wants to know my answer.” What this short excerpt exemplifies is that, in spite of what others have to say about this teacher, she genuinely cares about her students and what they have to say. I also think that adolescent may resonate with the point that Xiomara makes about Ms. Galiano being “… little… / but carries herself big… Like she’s used to shouldering her way through any assumptions made about her”. I think this is an extremely admirable trait that many adolescents will find security in—the feeling of being small, but learning to carry yourself as though you are much bigger.

3. Xiomara writes, “Late into the night I write and the pages of my notebook swell from all the words I’ve pressed onto them. It almost feels like the more I bruise the page the quicker something inside me heals.” Poetry and writing allow Xiomara to heal.  When you were an adolescent, what creative outlet or passion allowed you to heal?  Has this outlet changed now that you are older?  

    When I was an adolescent, I only had a few honest-to-goodness creative outlets. If I were upset or struggling to cope with something, I used to like listening to music while going for a walk or on a bike ride. I also played a lot of video games. As much I still like these activities, as I got older, and life threw more curve balls, my desire to find creative outlets that lend themself to more creative self-expression became much greater.

     Initially it was digital art (i.e. collages in Photoshop, video editing, etc.). I had also always wanted to learn an instrument (my sister played guitar, but I’m left-handed and am no Jimi Hendrix), so I opted to learn how to make music on the computer. Initially the music I created was a complete joke. And I mean that literally—my friends and I would make instrumentals and would freestyle rap/sing about whatever came to mind. One of my friends, Connor, went as far as to do a whole album of covers. Some covers included “Locked Out of Heaven by Bruno Mars, “Let Me Love You” by Mario, and my personal favorite “Leavin’” by Jesse McCartney.

     But as I got older, I realized how much I had learned about the software I was using and how I could produce more serious and meaningful instrumentals as a way of expressing myself. After my first break-up, I really began to take it seriously. Eventually I realized though that, as much as an instrumental can convey emotions, without words it’s meaning was somewhat superficial. That realization led me to where I am now, writing. Not song lyrics, but prose. Whether it’s for school or for myself, the amount of relief I find in writing is unprecedented.

Works Cited:

Epic Reads. “Epic Author Facts: Elizabeth Acevedo | The Poet X.” YouTube, uploaded by Epic Reads, 27 Mar. 2018, www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdd9b3pfA-o.

PBS NewsHour. “‘The Poet X’ Author Elizabeth Acevedo Answers Your Questions.” YouTube, uploaded by PBS NewsHour, 30 Nov. 2020, www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRrL5gSkfzY.