endless night

missing someone bad for you

trista mateer / trista mateer / sue zhao / u.k / u.k / clementine von radics / trista mateer

Brothers

today, my coworkers’ refusal to see me as a man put one of our patients in a position where they felt unsafe for the third time. i’ve been at this job for less than two months total. i don’t even care about getting misgendered anymore, i just want the people we’re supposed to be taking care of to feel comfortable around me.

i work at a hospital where we have to supervise our patients in a lot of vulnerable situations. there are safeguarding rules in place for certain things that male employees aren’t allowed to be present for when it comes to female patients. and yet, the people training me and telling me what to do have repeatedly put me in situations where i’ve been forced to do things that the female patients aren’t comfortable with me doing. and because they have repeatedly failed to teach me the rules for doing my job as a man, i have no way of knowing when i’m crossing one of those lines unless one of the patients tells me.

i’ve had to watch a victim of SA stare at me in abject terror as my coworkers asked her to strip naked with me still in the room. it took several minutes for her to even be able to speak enough to ask if i could leave the room. i found out after that she broke down crying the moment i walked out. my biggest regret is that i didn’t realize what was happening fast enough to leave before she ever had to say something, because she shouldn’t have had to say it. i never should’ve been allowed in the room in the first place, because that’s not something male employees are supposed to be present for. but i didn’t know that yet, because i was training and i thought surely, they wouldn’t train me to do something that directly violated their own safeguarding rules. that moment was the first time, and it’s haunted me ever since, but it wasn’t the last time. not only did it happen for the third time today — it almost happened for the fourth, and would have if someone hadn’t spoken up to say they should pick someone else. i care for these people so deeply, it’s why i took this job, and i’m so tired of hearing the fear in their voices when they have to ask me not to do something i never should’ve been told to do.

i’m very used to the personal discomfort of being misgendered. i willingly deal with it a lot at work as well as in other situations, not because i’m in the closet (at this point in my medical transition that would be impossible), but because it’s such a frequent occurrence with my coworkers that we would never get anything done if i took the time to correct them every time. but to see it get to the point of causing such visceral discomfort in other people? people i’m supposed to be taking care of and keeping safe? that’s something else entirely, and i’m fucking exhausted.

and after all of that, some of them still look at me like i have two heads when they tell me what to do and i say “i can’t do that, only female employees can” because i’m learning now. clearly i’m already seen as a man by our patients, but my coworkers would still rather put them in an unsafe situation than just train me as a man.

It was Maid Day today yesterday a week ago so I got struck by inspiration to draw the worsties, and it ran away from me into a whole AU where they’re coworkers at a maid cafe. She’s a med student & this is just a part time job, and this is his depression job while he gets his life back together. He needs something he can be workaholic about to forget what it’s like having a personal life and personal issues. He’s actually the accountant, but the new hire janitor (Izutsumi) doesn’t show up for half her shifts and is a sloppy worker, so he gets the extra work of doing her job on top of his because he’s undervalued and overworked. Of course, janitors also have an uniform to keep the aesthetic cohesion as they go about cleaning the place, of course.

Senshi’s the part time cook you only see slivers off, he’s kind and warm when you do see him and have a chat but most shifts he’s in and out the kitchen without a trace. Laios and Falin are regulars because Falin and Marcille are besties & in the same med school, Laios accompanies Falin as she visits her friend at work and gets hooked on the food. Chilchuck has to remind Marcille to work instead of chatting with Falin for an hour, and next thing he knows she’s distracting him from work too. That’s it that’s the AU. Inspired by this idol AU fanart a bit <3

This was not meant to be birthday gift but well…… Happy bday Chil!!!

Read from left to right

c!aimsey: Everything Stays 🌷🌻

For the doodle requests, I'd love to see your take on Daud in the Void after his death. I think about him often.... Thanks!!

“A man who ravaged and tore through the world around him like a rabid beast, creating nothing but chaos and misery. Even your merry band of assassins forgot its once master. You made your bed, Daud, now it’s time to lie in it”

I don’t think the Outsider would ever want to try and comfort Daud and I don’t think Daud would ever allow it to happen. But they’re both lonely in the void so… not-a-shoulder-pat and not-really-reassuring words anyone?

❤︎ 🌼🐑📿 ❤︎

For 11/11 you get Jane & Roxy because I never draw them and they deserve some love <3

and still to the @spilledkaleidoscope ‘s disco sapphics au

part 3/3 of ‘the expression’, have some peace of mind

and also a little bonus <3

Part one — link

Part two — link

Why did I write this

nothing influences my music taste more than the silly little fictional characters in my head

Wait okay so we all know Cardan stopped Locke from dancing with Jude at Dain’s coronation. I just realized he knew Jude couldn’t pull away from Locke even if she wanted to, since mortals can’t stop dancing once started unless someone stops them or until the music stops. I think when Jude started tearing up Cardan realized she must have wanted to stop, because she would never willingly cry in front of anyone, especially an entire room filled of folk. So he intervenes and ends up dancing with her, letting her go shortly after probably because saving her from dancing was his intention in the first place.

It makes me think about how Jude sees Taryn after Cardan gets Locke away, when she wonders if Cardan said anything to Taryn because of the look on her face. I imagine Cardan had said something, and that it was to push Taryn to stop their dance. When Jude is about to cry, maybe he realizes that even then Taryn won’t do anything, so he gives up and stops it himself.

You know her as the girl on fire but we know her as the lovely KATNISS!! EVERDEEN!!

Working on an actual BUCKETLOAD of other things but I was wanting to practice my old lineless style that I used constantly in art school and come on!! Of course I was gonna draw my girl

Well thinking about my twi having dimples cuz of this post