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yxlenas · 6 years

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Opera House

I blame @hyperphonic and their amazing fic, Copacetic. This is Dark. Heed the tags. Also on AO3. JessxRey

“Rey.”

She ignores the voice cutting through the silence in her library cubicle, tucking her head down farther into her chest and squinting at the textbook in front of her. A shiver runs up her spine. Jess is glaring holes in her shirt.

“Rey.”

“What.”

It’s not a question so much as a hissed statement, Rey’s teeth clenching. Her stomach roils with irritability at the interruption, at the sound of Jess’ voice, at the fucking air brushing against her skin. Rey wishes she was in a soundproof bubble. She wonders if Jess would let her turn their bathtub into a sensory deprivation chamber, like on Stranger Things. Probably not.

“Have you eaten today?”

“Yes.”

Short, sharp. A dismissal. Rey turtles back into her sweatshirt and keeps reading. A hand falls on her shoulder and she shrugs it off. She doesn’t want to be touched.

“Prove it.”

“Fuck off.”

Jess snorts. Rey wants to turn around and scream at her to leave her alone, to let her study, to let her keep falling deeper and deeper into the pit she’s digging for herself. A granola bar falls onto her textbook, slammed down by Jess’ slim, brown hand.

“Fuck you. Eat your fucking granola bar or sleep somewhere else tonight. I don’t care.”

She does care. Rey eats the granola bar. When she slips into their shitty one bedroom with Juniper rubbing along her legs that night, somewhere between holy shit and fuck this o’clock, Jess raises an eyebrow at her until she produces the wrapper, held between two fingers.

“Good.”

“Does this mean I can sleep not on the couch then?”

Jess sighs dramatically, reaching for Rey. She slumps into Jess’ arms with a huff, the weight on her shoulders shoving her farther into the embrace. A kiss gets pressed to her head.

“I guess.”

She nicks the back of her knee with her razor one Saturday night and she doesn’t realize it, not until she lowers her leg into the water of the tub and a sharp sting arcs across her nerve endings.

Rey freezes.

No. No no no no no no NO.

Jess isn’t home, won’t be for a few hours. Rey lets the water out of the tub and crouches in it, wrapping her arms around her knees and breathing harshly. She can’t. She can’t, she’s not in highschool anymore. She’s an ADULT, for fuck’s sake. The cut on her knee burns at the friction from moving her legs around and she sighs into the pain, wiping a finger through the blood pooling in the shallow cut.

Oh.

She gets up and paces circles in the apartment, naked, her blood staining her hand. Juniper watches, mewling worriedly before settling into her preferred spot on their ratty maroon futon. Rey goes back into the bathroom and settles on the cold porcelain edge, her head spinning and her breathing rattling in her chest. She can’t.

She has to.

The shitty Bic razors she and Jess buy come apart with a few snips of the scissors Jess uses to trim her eyebrows. The blade gets a little dented when she misses the plastic, but it’ll work just fine. She knows that. God, she’s a fuckup.

It takes a while to get back into the swing of things. A few missteps, a few cuts that are too shallow to even bleed.

Then she goes for the wrist.

By the time she can feel things again, she’s smeared in her own blood. There’s not enough to be dangerous, but she can’t stop running her fingers through it and streaking herself with it. It’s on her stomach and her wrists, hips and thighs. She thinks she keens.

Rey curls around herself, still streaked with dried blood, on the bottom of the tub. Tears start coming and they don’t stop.

She cries herself to sleep.

Jess comes home late, tired, and smelling like burnt coffee. The apartment is dark, and Juniper meows loudly, pacing near her bowl. Huh. Rey didn’t feed her.

“Baby? You home? June is hungry.”

No answer. Jess sighs and kneels down, scooping some food into Juniper’s bowl. June settles down to eat, tail twitching happily as she scarfs her food. Jess’s heart climbs into her throat. Rey feeds that cat religiously.

“Rey. Rey!”

Jess hears a thud and Rey swearing quietly. The bathroom door slams violently and Jess’s anxiety kicks up to DEFCON 1.

“Open the door.”

“I’m showering.”

“The water isn’t even on.”

The shower starts suddenly. Jess snorts.

“Is now.”

“Rey, for fuck’s sake.”

The door slams open and Jess nearly crumples to her knees. Rey is naked, eyes wild, hair mussed, tear tracks streaking her face. Her smooth skin is smeared with dry, cracking blood.

“What the hell did you do?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t fucking lie to me.”

Rey’s face clouds over, spots of color flushing high on her cheeks. She thrusts her arms out.

“Baby-”

“Fucking stop, Jess. It’s not a big deal.”

“Rey, look at your wrists! You don’t think that’s important? You don’t think that’s going to make me fucking worry?”

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing! Jesus Christ, Rey.”

They’re both crying. Jess lets her breath hitch and her chest collapse in, staring at the raw cuts on Rey’s wrists.

“Get out.”

“Rey-”

“Go. I need a shower. I don’t want to be around you. Go to bed or something.”

Jess lays in the bed, her head spinning. The shower runs for thirty minutes, the bathroom door slams, and she can hear Rey collapse onto the futon.

Rey never comes to bed.

“I’m sorry.”

It’s five in the afternoon when Rey stumbles into the bedroom and crawls into the bed next to Jess. She wraps around her back, bandaged wrists scraping against the thin skin over Jess’ sternum.

“I know, baby.”

“You didn’t deserve any of that.”

“It’s ok, sweetheart.”

Jess rolls over, pressing her forehead to Rey’s. She smells like that fancy shampoo Leia buys her and Jess breathes her in, leaning against her even as the mattress cradles them.

“It’s not. Jess, I-”

“Baby, you need help. Like, professional help.”

Rey stiffens.

“Just think about it, alright? I’ll be with you every step of the way, but baby, you can’t keep doing this.”

“Ok.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

The doctor spends fifteen minutes with Rey the next Wednesday before writing her a script for Zoloft and sending them on their way.

On Thursday, Rey takes the first dose. By Saturday, Jess is ready to tear the shrink’s hair out.

Rey starts rapid cycling after her first dose of the Zoloft. Screaming one second, sobbing the next. She refuses to get out of bed Thursday and Friday and cries when Jess tells her she has to leave for work.

On Saturday, everything goes straight to hell.

She comes home from work early, and Rey’s bottle of Zoloft rolls across the floor when she pushes open the door. There’s no clunking of pills hitting plastic when it skids under the futon. Juniper yowls, but doesn’t come to the door.

“Fuck.”

Rey is laid out on their ugly discount carpet, her head tilted to the side. Juniper is prowling up and down her body, tail twitching and ears pinned. Jess slams the door behind her and hits her knees, dialing 911 with one hand and finding Rey’s pulse with the other.

“Oh, fuck, baby, no. Come on, Rey, fuck.”

The operator picks up and Jess sucks in a breath, pressing her fingers down on Rey’s radial pulse with more vigor, hard enough to bruise.

“What is your emergency?”

“Yeah, uh, my girlfriend- she overdosed.”

“Ok. Can you find a pulse, Ma’am?”

“Barely. It’s really fucking fast.”

“Alright. I need an address.”

Jess rattles it off, still clutching at Rey’s wrist. Juniper meows loudly again, her head bobbing to sniff at Rey’s mouth.

“Ma’am, paramedics are on their way.”

“Ok. Ok. Thank you.”

Juniper paws at Rey’s face. Jess reaches up to cup her cheeks with a huff of air.

“Baby, I need you to wake up. Rey, now.”

Rey’s entire body jerks, and then she’s getting sick all over the carpet that Jess fucking despises. Jess swears, turning Rey onto her side as she vomits up mostly digested medication.

“Fuck. FUCK. Rey, don’t do this to me.”

Rey’s vomiting has turned into a full body tremor that Jess realizes is a seizure right before her head slams into the floor. All she can do is hold it still. She knows nothing about seizure first aid, at fucking all, and winces as Rey sinks her teeth into her tongue.

The door swings open as Rey’s tremors taper off and the paramedics rush in, shouting. One of them reaches for Jess, to tug her away, but she refuses to be moved. Rey pukes again.

“You need to let go of her. Jessika, I need you to let go.”

She looks up, panicked. One of the paramedics is Finn.

She shakes so hard as she launches into his arms that she knocks both of them onto the futon.

Her head hurts when she wakes up. There’s something rooted in the back of her hand, and pressure on her stomach. Rey has never had a hangover this bad. She rolls over to wrap around Jess, but she can’t. Something tugs back on her wrist. She opens her eyes, tugging harder.

“Baby, baby, don’t do that.”

Jess. Her head hurts. Something is beeping at her. It’s so fucking bright. So fucking bright. Her breath catches in her throat.

“Rey, breathe.”

“J-”

“Easy. Shhhhh, sweetheart.”

Rey finally manages to focus her eyes. There’s a white ceiling above her, one that does not belong to her room. Someone is stroking her face. She turns her cheek into the touch. A heart monitor, and a window. There’s wire mesh set into the window. Fuck. Fuck. She thrashes against whatever is holding her down.

“Rey. REY.”

Restraints. She’s being restrained.

She starts screaming. She starts screaming, and she doesn’t stop, not when nurses rush in the room, not when there’s a sharp prick in her thigh, not when Jess starts crying.

She screams until she passes out.

“How are you feeling?”

“Tired.”

Jess is looking around, anywhere but at Rey. Rey bristles, and reaches out, grabbing Jess’s hand.

“Jess.”

“Sorry. I’m- sorry.”

Rey sighs, brushing a hand down her face. The cuff of her hospital issued sweatshirt scratches against her skin.

“Baby, you don’t have to visit if you don’t want to.”

Jess squeezes her hand, pressing a kiss to it. Rey uses her other one to take a sip of the chai latte the nurses had let Jess smuggle in. She’s been out of telemetry and in psych for four days, and Jess’s haunted and nauseated expression every time she comes to visit hasn’t changed.

“Rey, I-”

“Jess, I’m serious.”

Jess sighs. She hasn’t been sleeping, Rey can tell. Rey has only been sleeping because they’ve been sedating her, so she understands.

“I just- I can’t look at you, in this place, and not see you on the floor of the apartment.”

“They think they’ll release me in a few days, baby. I can handle it until then if you can’t be here.”

They sit in silence for the rest of visiting hours, clinging to each other’s hands.

Rey swears right there that she’ll never try again, if only to keep that look off Jess’s face.

It’s not a promise she ends up being able to keep.

“What happened to the rug?”

“You puked all over it two weeks ago.”

Rey presses a delicate kiss to the corner of Jess’s mouth, nuzzling into her a little deeper. The apartment smells so much better than hospital. Juniper wraps around her legs, mewling. Rey picks her up, pressing her face into the cat’s mottled fur.

“You hated that rug.”

“I did, that’s why I threw it out instead of shampooing it.”

Rey laughs, the sound echoing through the apartment she never wants to leave again.

She lets Jess drag her to the bed, her hand warm against the small of her back.

It’s good to be home.

#depression tw #self harm tw #suicide tw #why do I do this #Rey #Jessika Pava #Reyva #bluerey #is that even their ship name #Cecilia Writes #zoey's fault tag

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