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Good luck on your Crimmdependence and metaphorical key finding! I’d love to read another Steddie fic by you and I can’t think of an AU right now, but if you’ve got any little plot bunnies, I’m sure they’re golden.

I swear I had an AU idea the other day, but I promptly forgot it again…

The mission was simple: infiltrate the neighborhood, keep an eye on the man at number 37, lay low until something drastic happened, e.g. imminent threat of exposure or assassins. 

“It’s too simple,” lamented Steve. “I’m not an invalid, you know. They could have given me something better than babysitting duty.”

“The Chief said you could use a break,” Dustin pointed out over comms. “You basically just spent your last three missions getting beat up.”

“Yeah, but I won those fights.”

“Buddy,” said Dustin patiently, “I hate to break it to you, but you did not.”

This was how Steve and Robin ended up as Mr and Mrs J. Smith in the leafy suburb of Mile Point, Cincinnati. Their house had a white picket fence and everything. It was like a vision Steve might have had of his future in high school, only the last girl he’d entertained that sort of vision with had been Nancy Wheeler, and the last time he’d seen Nancy, she’d nearly shot him in the throat with a sniper rifle. Granted, it was to take out the internationally wanted assassin he’d been grappling with at the time, and she’d apologized later, but it was still awkward. 

Nancy was now in Dubai, probably doing some insanely cool mission that involved her having to scale the Burj Khalifa with magnet clamps, or whatever. Everyone, it seemed, had cool missions. Lucas was parachuting into the Amazon and Will was in deep cover as some kind of secret society mole and El was off on yet another of her highly clandestine operations that only former child assassins bred in a lab by evil scientists were eligible for, apparently. And then there was Steve, stuck in Pleasantville pretending to be married to his best friend. He didn’t even know why they had to watch the guy at number 37. All they knew was that the subject’s name was Eddie Munson and that he was in hiding because VECNA was after him. 

“If you don’t know anything, you can’t give it up when you get captured and interrogated,” said Dustin, way too cheerfully.

“I wouldn’t give up anything,” protested Steve.

“I would,” said Robin unhelpfully. “I’d sing like my eponymous bird. Don’t tell me anything.”

Their first task was to make contact. They did this by delivering a casserole, like good neighbors should. The casserole had been baked not by Robin, who was as much of a disaster in the kitchen as she was in the field, but by Mrs Byers, before she left with the Chief on a purported vacation to Alaska. “It’s not actually a vacation, is it,” said Steve dubiously to Jonathan, who showed up in the guise of a plumber to deliver the casserole and some more surveillance equipment. “It’s totally a mission. Why else would Murray go with them on vacation?”

“Murray drove them to the airport,” said Jonathan.

“Yeah, and where did he go after that?”

“How should I know?” retorted Jonathan. “Why would I care what Murray’s up to? I’m not obsessed with other people’s missions, unlike some. There’s a tracker in the casserole dish, and you should also see if you can get these planted while you’re over there.” He handed Steve a couple of tiny bugs. “If you need any more supplies, call pizza delivery and ask for Argyle.”

“Yeah, yeah,” said Steve wearily. “I know the drill. Tell the kids I said hi.”

“We’re not kids,” said Mike waspishly over comms. “We’re handling your entire comms array, just so you know.”

Steve muted him.

“Well hey there!” cried Steve brightly when their new neighbor opened the door to their aggressively cheerful knocking. “We saw you just moved in across the way, and we thought we’d do the neighborly thing and drop by to say hi. I’m Joe, and this is my wife Mary.”

“We brought this for you,” added Robin, smiling madly like she was in a toothpaste ad. 

“I,” said Eddie Munson. He was gaping at them like they were aliens. He was wearing a very questionable sweater vest and kept running a hand through his hair, which meant that he had cut it recently and was not used to having it so short. There were what seemed like the tips of a tattoo peeking out from beneath his sleeve. Robin elbowed Steve, who had been staring, said sweetly, “Mind if I just pop this in your oven?” and sailed right past Eddie into the house.

Steve stuck out a friendly hand. “Didn’t catch your name.”

“It’s also Joe,” said Eddie. His eyes hadn’t left Steve’s face the whole time. “Short for Joseph. What’s yours short for?”

“Um,” said Steve. “Joe…nathan. Johnathan. But, like, you pronounce the first ‘h’.”

“What the fuck,” he heard Jonathan say over comms.

“Hey,” Steve went on, “is that a tattoo?” He took Eddie’s wrist and turned it over. “Are those birds?”

“Um,” said Eddie in what might have been mild panic, but he didn’t pull away. “They’re bats.”

“Cool,” said Steve. “Very cool.”

Eddie was looking up at him, lips slightly parted. Steve could feel his pulse rabbiting under his thumb. Wow, thought Steve wildly, hope this mission doesn’t end up with me having to kill this guy, because that would really suck.

“Hey, honey,” came Robin’s voice from behind them. Eddie yanked his wrist from Steve’s hand like he’d been scalded and pulled his sleeve up in one smooth motion. “So lovely to meet you, Joe. We have just got to have you over some time.”

“I don’t want to be any trouble,” began Eddie.

“No trouble at all,” fluted Robin, “we’d love to have you, see you around town!” She hooked her arm through Steve’s and led him off.

“Did you plant them?” Steve said when they were out of earshot.

“Of course,” said Robin. “Thanks for the distraction, hubs.”

“No problem.”

“Oh I bet it wasn’t,” said Robin significantly, and that was when Steve realised that it was, in fact, a problem.

Despite this he tried to carry out the rest of the mission in a calm and professional way. This was made difficult by a number of things, like when Billy Hargrove showed up at the supermarket and attempted to kidnap Eddie in the canned foods and cereals aisle.

“Billy?’ spat Max over comms. “Why is Billy there? I’ll take care of Billy.” 

“You will do no such thing!” Steve hissed back, barrelling through frozen foods with a laden trolley. He sent it careening into Billy, knocking him into a pyramid of baby formula. Billy’s tranquiliser dart went wide. Eddie, obliviously comparing cereal brands at the other end of the aisle, did not notice it thudding into a box of Captain Crunch. Steve dragged Billy behind a shelf of eggs and pinned him to the supermarket’s dustbunny-riddled floor. Billy grinned up at him, all teeth. “Back for more, Harrington?”

“Dude, I do not want a repeat of Topanga,” muttered Steve. His ribs still throbbed at the memory. “Who are you working for this time?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” said Billy nastily, and then he drove an elbow into Steve’s sternum and flipped them.

Steve almost blacked out when Billy began throttling him. There was a crash, and he blinked up as Max hauled an unconscious Billy off him. She had hit him in the head with a cast-iron frying pan snagged from the cookware discount rack. 

“Thanks,” said Steve blearily.

“You’re welcome, loser. Quick, get him in here.” They wrestled Billy into an empty trolley and Max set off pushing it, just as Eddie rounded the corner.

“I heard a noise,” he began, “oh, hey Joe, fancy seeing you here – ” and Steve, in an attempt to distract him from the redhead sprinting for the service exit with her stepbrother-turned-freelance-archnemesis out cold in a trolley, grabbed him by the face and kissed him.

Eddie dropped his basket on Steve’s foot in shock. It was painfully full of canned food, which Steve valiantly ignored. “Oh, fuck it,” he thought he heard Eddie say against his mouth, and then Eddie was kissing him back, hands tangled in Steve’s hair and pressing him precariously against the egg shelf. It was, however, Eddie who broke away to say: “No, no, we can’t.”

“What?” said Steve stupidly.

“Because I’m supposed to – ” Eddie caught himself and visibly changed tack. “Because you’re married, dude.”

“I am?” 

Eddie picked up Steve’s hand and ran his thumb over the standard-issue fake wedding ring on Steve’s finger. “Oh,” said Steve, “right, that.”

“Yeah, that,” said Eddie, and then he spun and literally ran away from Steve. He didn’t even pick up his groceries.

So the mission was going pretty badly, actually. And that was even before Henry Creel came to town.

(For the AU prompt game. Partially inspired by this image.)

Old Draft: Cold as ice rn my pressure is so low it’s stinging throughout the body n my chest is paining my lips are quivering wid any like sensation my chest feels too tight & weird.

Click on the inspiration board for better quality, it looks best however in my camera roll cuz it gets rasterised once published on twitter n other social media apps

I had created these moodboards long back. I was talking about them the other day, ppl will hate ‘em cuz they might find them childish idk but there’s a lot of significance attached to each one. I’m not in the state to elaborate further but you can read my article which is scheduled for 7th Mar it has all the details www.lilacnights.com/post/my-little-barista I have never felt so numb before my bp is too low and I’m feeling like this is my last day.

Speaking of the other bathroom moodboard, my parents had just given me a raw area even 10 yrs ago when I was in my teens my living conditions were very poor I was inexperienced and I had no help (even now I don’t) so I don’t want ppl to assume I’m very happy with all my stuff or I have my family’s support & that I’m just being “whiny” for no reason. They don’t care about me… they pretend in front of strangers. The bathroom was partially tiled (I’m not in the state to write my pressure is severely low so is my heartrate n I’m very numb) it was partially tiled it was embarrassing, one cud even see the raw grouted masoned wall there, the tub had no skirting it was again just a drop in tub which they’d dumped inside (haphazardly) there was fungus growing on my shampoo and other Bath stuff, I can barely breathe rn I am not obliged to give any explanations there was no towel ring or even a wash basin stand I wud wash my hands in the outside bathroom I wud go all the way there now I’m bed ridden (luckily I renovated everything) I was made to cry when I called someone from urban clap to fix a stand there and what’s worse is that he fixed it in a slant manner it was so tilted that my clothes would get wet the WC was leaking so were all the attachments in the shower area but my mother kept challenging me and fighting as to why I had to renovate it (I used it that way for TEN LONG YEARS an entire decade) I was made to cry LIKE HELL even in my horrible health condition and I was abused a lot…

I had somehow renovated it in 2021, unfortunately now I’ll have to do it again because of some major fault on the plumber’s part + other irrémédiable issues. I was also surprised to learn that our own Indian brand is keeping their classic range only for show here at the orientation centre and EXPORTING everything to UK & Dubai where they already have other alternatives such as Drummonds and Burlington, they have the entire set with the crutch and the hand shower THERE whereas in India everything has to be purchased separately and that too they have DISCONTINUED the crutch (HERE) without which its useless, our own crutch which is made in Rajasthan is exported there and they’ve kept this classic range only for show, everything is reserved for exports. Whatever looks ugly or has that local masculine design (every other local brand has the same products only the labels differ) is kept for Indians, we are beggars or what? All the classic, heritage stuff is sent there for what? To compete with other rival brands? They are so stingy and frugal when it comes to Indian customers that they kept only ONE piece/unit in the thermostatic model and divided that also into 2 halves, just like Greek God Zeus who had split soulmates out of intimidation, the top part is sent to Delhi and the back concealed component is kept for Mumbai! How stupid? It has been rendered useless for both the cities now. I somehow procured the crutch from an old stock (box packed) and I was continuously getting a rusted concealed back unit (thermostat which is super pricey) from everywhere cuz they were rotating the same damaged piece, I somehow got in touch with another dealer and ordered it from the main hub but it was the same one from that “pair” which had no front component cuz that was lying in Delhi. So I got the front also from an old stock it has scratches but at the back of the plate so they won’t be visible. It has those beveled edges typical hotelier style which I wanted since long but I can’t elaborate further like I said, I can explain everything detail probably in person… wish I had someone to talk to I’ve always been passionate about designing and interiors in fact everything, give me any topic. All I want to say is STOP smuggling what’s meant for us - Indians… all the way to UK & Dubai. You are an Indian brand, I love the quality and make I was so excited for this I’d planned it since Nov, I got it somewhere in the first week of Dec or so (last year) but we were still struggling for the top thermostat (front and back both) and hell no I’ll never put those ugly local designs in my bathroom. I have my soap jar and other apothecary stuff there I will never compromise. I’m a lot into designing… I was going to recommend everyone to pick both your brand as well as this particular range but then I realised people won’t be able to buy anything cuz you don’t keep all this stuff for Indians. We want the crutch which comes with the Victorian set, it’s an essential, and the entire range all the models (black and white both) I was so happy with the make and mechanism but I ended up being really disappointed.

I can’t write much, people even buy your freestanding bathtubs in India we have all started buying that I’ve seen the reviews, for such bathtubs we require bigger spouts too and this was much more ideal I even opened the autocad to check if the thermostatic one which I’d selected had a single outlet or not cuz I didn’t want anything with a diverter I have a bathtub I needed something right there for my hand to reach while sitting inside the tub hence we had to spend more and I didn’t want the 3 way one, this set has a different spout which is better than the ones we are commonly getting in abroad they all have a flat nose, whereas this has a round ribbed border which looks more expensive and a mesh filter plate inside, I needed one with a crutch cuz I don’t have more room there to fit both my soap tray as well as the shower bracket and I’ve optimised whatever space I had skilfully to keep all my apothecary jars and everything to have a full sized vanity, a free standing almost 1700 mm bathtub… (cuz again you don’t get smaller ones in India where bathrooms are matchbox sized) and all kinds of other things even wall art and frames.

So I needed one with a crutch provision not a bracket, secondly the long bend exposed pipe would’ve been difficult to put there as I have a highlighter tile which is running throughout the bathroom lastly it had a tap not a spout which is a bit unappealing moreover its not long enough to enter my tub completely so all the bubble bath solution would’ve ended up at the edges (cuz it has to be poured right under the faucet in running water) and last but not the least this was my main reason - we could’ve spent half the amount but we opted for the thermostat mainly because the 3 way one had a pull and twist knob on the tap to switch between Bath spout and hand shower and I wanted the one with a lever/dongle cuz of my previous experience (which was horrible) with Kohler no offence and with wet hands it’s anyway difficult but yeah Kohler’s spout was faulty. I wanted to make a budget bathroom so I got from there but I went wrong because I also realised that all my stuff is very common Kohler has only one design or product in each category and they are promoting the same 1-2 things everywhere which means I ended up with something really common, faulty and boring. Nothing vintage or whatever we want, just the typical semi modern 2003 stuff. I’m very happy with this one (I haven’t used it yet but I saw all the functioning with the lever and knobs) and this is exactly why I wanted it, I have put the entire thing together as a set & I matched the the bottom mixer with the thermostatic one on top for my overhead shower to have 2 separate modes, I’ll be able to use the overhead along with the hand shower BOTH AT THE SAME TIME secondly I was looking for a budget mixer again but that too was discontinued and we anyway would’ve had to upturn the outlet flang or whatever from behind cuz it was meant for filling pails and buckets, now after the thermostat my shower portion is gonna have a modern touch because of how they’ve designed it, when you are paying so much you are getting that typical shower console look with black insets, they aren’t illuminated because they are not digital (that is usually there in a 50k to 1 lakh unit) however you do get the console with that typical look and everything since its an automatic model and I even edited all my stuff including the renders to make them more realistic for my moodboard cuz I was not able to find real life images. Ab naak mat kataiyen cuz ppl might show interest and none of this is easily available for Indians… it’s the classic range which should be manufactured and supplied in full swing/bulk please do that why is India always lagging behind? There’s an entire cult following including me for this Victorian style everywhere in abroad but in India we are not getting it easily especially in Mumbai.

- Zara Sauleh

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