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yb-cringe · 8 months

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alright wybie here's a free ask to talk my ear off about fitpac GO

this is like a trap isnt it ih gos ok yea

the thing that gets me abt fitpac is that its not that deep. and i dont mean that in an insulting way or that their impacts on one another arent expansive and hugely helpful but i mean it in that like. theres no catch. i love spiderbit for their complexity i love fitpac for their simple, slow, love

that by no means is me insinuating its not got its edges though. theyre just. sweet.

i think both of them have a lot of trauma when it comes to imprisonment and just general fear for their lives and while that could be said for a lot of people on the server i think whats important is that they’ve recognized that in each other? or at least fit has from what ive seen

and pac (and mike tbf) need a constant right now. things are crazy people are disappearinf theres no stability but they can always trust that fit will be there and he will listen and more importantly that he SEES them and will defend them

i think my thoughts abt them boil down to ‘pac needs consistency. a solid rock. he needs a recognizable pattern that doesnt change so he can have a safety net’ and ‘fit spent so long in survival he doesnt know how to just Live and he needs someone to be patient with him’

and its not easy for Either of them especially right fucking now. whats happened is that fit is trying to be the solid foundation for a bunch of people and its wearing him thin. and pac is just speedrunning traumas.

god the babysteps thing will forever be imprinted on the back of my eyes tho. like yeah fit needs to go rly fucking slow. hes a traumatized single father and hes fucking cautious about everything. always has been. letting someone into his life and giving them space in his heart is a big fucking deal. he just cannot afford to make that choice lightly. hell even ramón had to be patient for a bit

whats the fuckin saying like. fell first but he fell harder? wheres the ‘he fell first but didnt wanna think about it until he accepted it at which point he fell so fucking hard it would ruin him to lose it’ thats qfit. he literallt cannot even say the words date or romance or love or wven really Like in a romantic context about pac because shit will get too real and he needs to go slow rven if he has to FORCE HIMSELF to move slowly.

gkd i dont even know where to start with pac. he needs consistency so bad. and mike was that- mike IS that. pac is someone who needs company he needs someone to be near especially lately after his whole kidnapping thing where he was alone in that fuckin room after whatever they did to him—

hes been through so much shit and he just needs someone to stay- someone to turn to and know he’s got slmeone on his side. like pac in his own right is sort of paranoid —not the kind of way he has been recently though.

but like if you had to force tazercraft into designations of head and heart, pac would be the mind and mike would be the heart. pac is thinking ahead, he’s trying to force himself to move on because he knows mike wont, he’s trying to avoid doing things too crazy to keep them off the radar— he’s keeping them out of trouble when he can remember to.

not to say hes not chaotic and passionate in his own right but yknow. comparisons. but hes a thinker yjnow he plans for the future and if he doesnt have someone to be his safety net he fucking panics and doesnt do things he wants to because he’s worried about being caught out alone without any support

all of this to say that he doesnt Really think of romance more then Fun because he needs safety nets first. which is also kind of why the moving slow thing works for him because he’s definitely not going to realize how in deep he is like love wise until its too late. and he probablt cant even fuckin risk it right now considering yhh like Everything going on.

#sorry this ended up more as a character analysis and its so messy #i just have a lot of thoughts about them #long story short; gay men with ptsd love each other through recognition of the other and their flaws #and it makes my heart ache #qsmp liveblogging #asks

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harvest-of-the-present · 5 months

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hi, I hope it’s OK to ask this…

I’m a pagan who believes in a few different deities from different cultures, but lately I feel like I either don’t make contact with them or like they aren’t ever present. I feel bad because I don’t make altars for offerings/worship (partly because some of my family is anti-pagan). Do you have any advice or similar experiences you wouldn’t mind sharing?

hello! It's completely fine to ask this and I actually relate to your situation so I hope my answer can help a bit. The only people who know I'm pagan are some close friends who live far away so I'm also in a kind of tricky situation when it comes to offerings/altars. I'll write about some experiences I've had and things I do as alternatives and try to worship as I wish to in a way I can. It turned out to be a bit of a long post so it continues under the cut!

About feeling the deities' presence, it's okay to not do so. It happens, and I personally may feel them more when we get to know each other and as time goes on I usually feel in at specific moments or when reading/searching about them or something related to them. Sometimes when I'm on my own and think about them or something I want to do in their honor, too. The thing is, that doesn't have to always happen, and it does not have to mean they arent necessarily there or listening to you. Because they are, and I've had prayers being answered in times where I felt disconnected or even left behind for not finding time for my practice. If you reach out, there'll be there, even if it doesn't always seem obvious. Something that has helped me in these situations is to think about what kind of way to communicate with them works better for me at that specific moment. Sometimes I have alone time and I feel inclined to do a tarot reading. In other occasions, I leave praying for right before I go to sleep and I tell them about my day and wish them a good night. I've recently found out that already written prayers work the best for me when I'm busy and/or stressed because of exams. Repeating and hymn and/or a prayer with your focus on it can be more relaxing and reassuring that I remembered, but this can depend on person and situation so finding out what feels right for you could help.

In terms of altars, the most similar thing I have are Pinterest boards. However, you could always choose a specific part of a piece of furniture to put decorations on if their religious meaning isn't that easy to deduce. I don't personally have this, but when I give simple food offerings like some water in a mug, I always leave it at the same place to symbolise it's for them, and being such a common thing like water it's hard for others to suspect it is a religious offering. I've also seen an altars picrew going around to create your own digital altar, and other ways to do this could be a collage or even a tumblr blog to keep prayers, offerings and things that remind you of deities in the same place, just like a usual altar would work like.

So, most offerings I do are devotional acts. Praying, journaling, writing down affirmations, carrying things that remind me of them with me, establishing a bit of a self-care routine, listening to playlists of them, going out in their honor, thinking about them as I go on my day, being thankful towards them and the guidance they give me. The intention to honor them and that thankful feeling is always there. Sometimes it can be as simple as dedicating a break time to them, or perhaps they have advised you to do something for yourself in the past and you try to implement that in your days as a way to honor them and their words, too (that's, for example, my case with meditation, as I've always had a hard time finding a good moment in the day for it but Dionysus encouraged me to continue trying and I've found it's an activity that helps me feel more grounded and less anxious).

I think you can also adapt this depending on how you see your relationship with the deities you worship. I mostly like to see them like we are getting to know the other as I get through life, kind of a wise companion that I can rely on, so that's why I tend to tell them about my days from time to time. In other cases, when I still haven't established much contact with some, I will write them some appreciation quotes or little texts I come up with. These are usually based on things I see or find that remind me of them, so it's kind of a way to express my admiration and respect towards them. If you have more of a mentor-apprentice relationship, which is my case with The Morrígan, little acts related to what they want you to work on can be very appreciated. Getting to know them and their advice can be really meaningful in our relationship with them, that's what I think and have experienced.

Just like we like to get to know them, they will appreciate that we time time out of our days to let them now about ourselves. Both you and the way you can worship are enough, and deities will see your efforts to reach out. I hope this helped a bit and gave you some ideas!

#my experience #pagan #paganism #helpol #paganblr #deity worship #polythiest #polytheism

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im-smart-i-swear · 4 months

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5 headcanons for Girlfailure!Jiro au please

jiro LOVES horror movies, the more gorey and grotesque the better<3 shes got a soft spot for practical effects and body horror specifically

pretty much the whole team suspected jiro might not cis from early on and when she finally came out everyone unanimously pretended to be very surprised

her eyesight is absolute shit(shes got astigmatism now! it was alluras first time yknow creating a whole functioning human body from scratch and so a lot of the less crucial details stray from being a perfect copy of shiro) but she was really opposed to wearing glasses bc it would make her even less indentical to shiro and thats Bad. eventually the headaches got to her tho and she caved in

jiro's love language is mimicry. if she looks up to/likes someone, she WILL try to copy their mannerisms and personality in one way or another(this behavior gets mixed reactions from ppl)(her favourite ppl to copy are allura and lance btw. and coran)(and shiro but i mean thats kinda a given bc of The Clone Situation)

keith and jiro refuse to maintain eye contact or a conversation longer than strictly nescessary for a VERY long time

(<- bonus lol) sometimes she forgets shes not a ghost anymore and this results in her either slamming into walls and furniture on accident or standing still in absolute silence and dozing off until someone snaps her out of it(when she was dead, she would often do this when she was bored, it was the closest thing to sleep she had)(ghosts cant sleep or fall uconcious)(yeah she was fully aware and concious 24/7 for months. it was TERRIBLE)

(<- bonus 2 bc why not?) her relationship with womanhood and gender and gender roles and the expectations of how women are 'supposed' to look and act is sooo complicated.. on one hand figuring out shes trans made her a lot happier and was a big step in finding out who she wanted to be, but also i feel like womanhood sometimes feels just as restictive as being shiro has- she is terrified of not being 'womanly enough', of somehow doing it wrong, and at the same time misses how easy being shiro seems compared to the horror and pain of being her own person. of couarse she loves being a woman tho, she finally feels like a person instead of a thing with a clearly defined purpose! but that doesnt mean some things arent hard to deal with and theres a lot of insecurity and doubt in the beginning

#ask #two distasters au #thanks for asking<3333 i know i dont talk/post about this au much but i assure you i DO think about it. a lot #jiro is an ant i locked up in a jar and im shaking her around(dw she likes it)<3 its how you know i adore her #i have some doodles of this au sitting in my files that i never posted lmao #maybe i should post em......

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prettyboykatsuki · 8 months

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excuse my disturbance and my bad english but i must say that im completely in love with your mind. at this point it feels like a puzzle and every other post you make gives me another piece and i have to figure out where to place it, it gives me an idea of the way you think of certain things? hope it doesn't sound weird. im just trying to express my fascination of your writings and the indepth of your overall characterisations especially. this started with your perception of the itoshi brothers because for me they have been frustrating to understand. its like they are pretty much an open book so it's not hard to understand them and their bond and read into their personality at all but sometimes it feels so blurry you know? and i just can't connect it and it makes me insane. but the way you put them into words feels so easy and simple that makes me even more insane. maybe im just crazy and obsessed about it i honestly dont know. the way you also generally use sexuality as a tool to explain characters feelings/mind is so interesting to me as an inexperienced person. so yeah i just wanted to let you know that i really really appreciate your writings! and what i originally wanted to ask is what books do you think the itoshis would read? or which authors they'd prefer? the books a person reads gives me an idea of their mind, and i love you characterisation of rin and sae so i would love to know your thoughts if you don't mind! sending lots of love :)

WAH!! first of all hello! ur english is perfectly find and understandable do not worry at all!!! but also the opening sentence for this ask is so sweet as is the rest of it?? im flopping around like a wet noodle and whatnot.

i feel like i never make any sense like in the slightest so this ask really surprised me a lot JFSDKJSFS. im always talking out of my ass and while being articulate is important to me i only succeed like half of the time in my own head. so it means a lot that you think the way !! and im really honored that u are so fascinated by my smooth wrinkle free brain

i think the itoshi bros are indeed frustrating if you're not like really consciously examining their characters which most people arent since bllk is primarily about isagi!!! while the rin sae arc is really good its still a side plot and its mostly meant for rin. it took me another good long read and some brainstorming to figure out what sae was like because on the surface he's a really shitty jerk

i like to think of myself as a character first writer!! my stories are not as driven by the environment as other peoples (though im working on being better at that) and most of my writing is pretty character driven. in general i am obsessed with human behavior in a kind of neurotic way sdkjfsk and sometimes that comes out as i write. sexuality is an aspect of that obsession which is why it plays an important part in everything i write.

as for authors for the itoshi bros... i dont think either of them read that much. for sae - i imagine he reads a lot of nonfiction about soccer and sports psychology. unlike rin who has other interests, sae thinks his main flaw is that he's only interest is soccer and i think that extends to his reading.

rin loves horror canonically so probably horror books more than anything? someone like yukito ayatsuji who writes a lot of well received japanese horror

#return to sender #hall of fame #this is so sweet and such high praise #take everything i say w a grain of salt tho fr i speak recreationally

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funnier-as-a-system · 1 year

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do you take asks asking for like. advice?? and if so um. how do you know? just in general but also how do you know that its not all some like. elaborate act that youre putting on to feel special? aside from just "if you feel bad about the possibility of faking you arent faking" because for all you know my guilt is faked too. if you dont accept requests for advice im sorry to have exposed you to this i just genuinely dont know who to ask

We do indeed take asks for advice! We're just really bad at answering them in timely manner, eheh.

I must admit I'm a little confused, because you seem to switch between the possibility of me being wrong about plurality and me being wrong about your plurality, but I shall answer both! (No offense taken to either question, if that was a concern.)

When we first discovered our system, we had a lot of the same fears; probably our biggest one was that we were just making up conversations in our head. It wasn't so much that we feared we were faking as we were worried about being wrong, so we get where you're coming from with usual "you're not faking" sentiments not helping. So what did we do?

We made what we call a proof book!

It doesn't have to be an actual book. A proof book is simply a record, mental, physical, or digital, of signs and symptoms that support your hypothesis of being a system (or, tbh, anything else you're questioning). While all the internal communication/hearing voices signs were dismissible as our imagination, we could not so easily dismiss evidence* such as not feeling in control of our body (depersonalization), uncontrollable accents, or the people around us noticing changes in our personality. Whenever we started doubting ourselves, we'd ask if the doubts had any good arguments, and, if so, we'd compare the arguments to what was written in our proof book. After all, people don't really talk about it, but sometimes the doubts have a point! It's not so easy to dismiss doubts that have a point – but at the same time, it's hard for doubts to adapt their argument against one piece of evidence to a book of evidence.

*now that we think about it, the name "evidence book" might have been better, but that doesn't roll off the tongue as easily.

We still have doubts, occasionally. But between the proof book growing as we do and our lived experience where living as a system has been better for us than living as a singlet with system suspicions, it's a lot easier to combat those fears.

If you're questioning being a system but have some doubts, you can also make a proof book! And in the end, if you find out it's all better evidence for something else that's not plurality, then hey! Look at you, already ready with a proof book to smash any doubts you have about that thing fitting you.

As for the people who come to us in asks, you're right that we can't tell for certain. But tbh, us knowing for certain the details of other people's lives isn't a concern. We're a mentally ill adult with worries like "what jobs are available in our area" and "what if I'm secretly a horrible person"; we don't really like to spend too much time worrying about doubting other people. Believing people at their word about something that doesn't really affect our life too much... it kind of just helps with the whole "leading a happy and healthy life" goal we have, y'know? Rather than scour asks looking for any sign of bad intentions, getting ourselves worked up, and possibly setting off a chain reaction of discourse and offense if we see faking where there isn't any, we just answer an ask and go on with our day. If someone who sends in an ask is faking, that's not our problem. If someone who sends in an ask ends up being wrong about their plurality, that's also not our problem. Our problem is the sheer amount of unanswered asks in our inbox. Of course, we'll do our best to give advice if they come to us looking for it [about their situations], but we're not in the habit of fact checking the lives of our askers. Just brings us down and makes us more fearful and untrusting of other people.

All that really matters is if we feel we did alright when answering their ask, which we really can't do if we just accuse them as faking. You see, even if one of our askers is faking, one of our followers may have a similar question or real experience close to what they made up, and those people may want to hear our response. In those cases, it's better to show compassion and interest for the sake of your audience, wouldn't you agree? By assuming honesty even when what's being said is strange, we create a better environment on this blog for not just ourselves, and not just our askers, but also the rest of our followers. And that's really all we want! We don't like suspecting people and people don't like being suspected – by trusting people on their problems and experiences, even if they sound strange or "faked", we're being kind. (Or at least, we're being open-minded, which is something we strive to achieve.) And kindness is often passed on, even if not by the person receiving it; if we take people by their word, no matter how strange, we inspire others to do the same, which amounts to a more accepting community. Which, personally, I think is much better than a community that accuses others of faking on a whim.

—

This has been rather long, so let's sum it up.

We combatted our fears by creating a record of evidence to support the theory that we're a system.

Never thought I'd say this line that's beginning to sound cliché on the internet, but we have bigger things to worry about than if any random ask in our inbox is from a faker.

Moreover, trying to figure out if people in our inbox are faking would just take a toll on our mental health. So we don't.

We want to be kind, inspire kindness, and make people happy, and an easy way to do that is to make this blog an accepting place where fakeclaiming is off the table.

If someone "tricks us", oh well, oh darn, fiddlesticks, you got me. You are now on par with our pre-teen sibling sneaking out to go steal mangos. Congratulations.

Well, this was a rather long response, but we hope we've been thorough in answering your query, anon!

#thanks for the ask!

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salt-volk · 1 year

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post 705470921409019904 bc u have to PAY for monthlies u cant just earn them from gameplay. we need item that are easy to get yet also go up in value over time. every other game i play has these thing as a reward for long term & consistent players!

if the ONLY shit that retains value is premium/paid content then of course the economies fucked bc the only ppl who can make longterm value investment are those who are already well off. limited/retiring item earned from special prizes, chance event, quests, & gaemplay are essential for allowing ftp players to still get itmes that appreciate in value & be able to keep on par with premium paying users (bc then even if they dont spend money they can still have item that ppl will want).

part of dvs economy being so shit is bc u cannot "play the market" much the way u mgiht some other games. literally nearly every item is either 1. completely worthless junk that will return every year & already exists in abundance OR 2. its paid premium shit that only gets traded for other paid premium shit. rarely are there any "mid tiere value" items in between that can be leveraged by folk in the middle.

i think in retaliation to customs & monthies seeming too inacessible we went so far in the other direction that now all other items is TOO acessible which only makes the problem worse (if the ONLY valuable items are super hard to get or paid, then its impossible for ppl who dont have acess to those to "work their way up". if this was balanced by having more free/cheap to get yet also valuable items, then custom & monthlies would actually become MORE acessible to the avg player bc they could get their hands on non-monthly non-custom items that still genuinely have value & could be traded for higher value thing.)

limited item does not always = bad & exclusionary. it can be a part of healthy economy & even a way to help limit exclusivity by giving ftp players economic mobility just for actually playing the game.

i think when ppl talk abt wanting more limited items they mean stuf like this. not more monthiles. but shit that can serve as ACTUAL reward for gameplay. right now participating in event, story quests, & even getting random chance pop up are all boring/un exciting bc once u have one set of the item thats all u ever need, theyre all worthless, retain no value, & nothing feels like an actual sruprise or a reward. theres no incentive to participate bc everything is easy & already handed to u.

dv userbase seems to be such weird mix... ppl who want to own every single item in the game with no effort & no exclusiveity but then also complain abt there being nothing to do, no long term gameplay goals, event reward feel lacking, & how boring it is between content drops. but usually part of the motivation/goals & participation feeling worthwhile on other games is BC u have to work a lil to collect things. exctiement of earning prize that gain in value, making sure ur present to collect event rewards bc the ones will be diffrent next year, new itme u strategize to trade for. & when u lack all of that ofc its gonna feel more boring.

tho obv thats not main issue with the site & im not sayin anyone is wrong for feeling that way i thinkit can def be hard to strike balance between "enough exclusivity to feel fun & motivating" vs "so much that it just feel unfair" but my point is just that right now we really need some "mid tier" limited items (that ARENT locked behing million potatoes worth of item alchemy lmfao) to balance the market & put free player on equal footing in the economy. stuff that appreciates in value & makes rewards actually feel special/worthwhile bc one day u can trade/sell it for something cooler! yk?

idk as a ftp player myself to me at least that would help playing dv actualy feel worht it.

#anonymous #mod yoshi #reply #monthlies

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funshinebf · 16 days

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dude when i was younger my mom used to get REALLY mad at me cause a lot of times where she was having us clean the house i would need to stop and go use the bathroom, and id end up in there for a While. she got really mad and accused me of just hiding in there to avoid cleaning. but like i really was just having stomach problems. but i just realized like.. i have dealt with anxiety related stomach issues for Years. there is a very good chance that was what was happening then too. i had a Lot of anxiety surrounding the times where my mom would make us do chores (for several reasons, most of which being that things always piled up, so they took hours to get through, and my mom has pretty bad anger issues and problems with perfectionism, so any time we had to clean it was very hard not to do something the 'wrong' way and upset her, triggering her to verbally abuse us) so like. its literally not a stretch at all to assume that this was an early case of my anxiety related stomach problems... i also very frequently would start feeling sick before any kind of social event, such as going to a friend's house, which was AWFUL because then i'd either have to leave early or use their bathroom, which was hell for me. its gotten a lot better as far as anxiety induced problems go, i dont deal with that sort of thing very often anymore, its only occasional. but instead now i just have a Very sensitive stomach, and i think IBS or something similar. on a regular basis i deal with constipation, and i dont shit more than maybe 3 times a week, which ive been told is Not Normal, and that people are supposed to shit like once a day. but then also every few weeks or sometimes months i get horrible diarrhea that traps me on the toilet for at least an hour every time, or sometimes takes me on and off it all day. its not fun! i feel like the diarrhea episodes are like... my body cleaning out after the long periods of constipation. its like dude this has to leave already. get rid of it ALL right now. and its awful and i hate it. but my mom has told me that if i try to pursue an IBS diagnosis that itll be a pain in the ass, cause they make you take certain things out of your diet for a while to try and find the cause. im not sure if thats fully accurate but my mom IS a nurse so she's usually pretty right on that stuff? but ive also heard other people say getting an IBS diagnosis was really simple and easy for them, so i dont know... ive been told by my dr before to start taking mirilax (powder that gets mixed into a drink) every day, but 1) im really bad at remembering to do it 2) when i had my mental hospital stay they had me take it and it made me miserable cause it was just making me have the diarrhea episodes for several days on end instead of my usual once every now and then. (this especially sucked cause the hospital only had one bathroom we could use during the day, and we werent allowed in our rooms unless we were going to bed. plus the room doors had to stay open, the room bathrooms only had this weird half-door foam thing for privacy. all the other kids with rooms in my hallway could hear me shitting my guts out. it was insanely embarrassing.) and 3) the mirilax label says that you arent supposed to take it for like more than i week i think it is? like its not meant for every day use according to the directions?? so it confuses me lmfao. like my dr says every day but the label says not every day so what is the truth. anyways im rambling about my shitting habits. again. whatever you all love me

#my post #tmi #unsanitary #i got so off topic. this was about my anxiety shits at first...

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arlecchno · 1 year

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IM SO GLAD YOURE ALSO LOVING SUMMERS FIC IM LIKE ACTUALLY SO IN LOVE WITH IT (insert me going batshit insane) alsooo do look forward to more stupid banter in the middle of supposedly serious situations , they are the best and there are more . stan mcs little water creations tbh

bleh , honestly all my other writing works are old and i think pretty shitty at this point but i can link you to some if you really want (or i could write you a short story / drabble , i feel like thatd be less embarrassing on my part lmao , lmk if you want that) about my games though ... 1 2 3(WIP) the first two are well over a year old now , plus primarily unedited , so dont mind any possible grammar mistakes or generally terrible story flow (i swear ive gotten better since these 😰) and the third was also created last year (for a school project) , im slooowly chipping away at finishing the code haha ...

I ACTUALLY COMMENT ON MY OWN DOCS AS WELL !!! there arent much of them because .. well i havent wrote much outside of my private dms LOL

i also think it is insanely fun to comment on my own work

aand ive contacted my friends (aka my two and only true loves /p /hj) about the kinnie thing .. and one of them sent me this to fill out

youre not wrong actually haha , am i that easy to read ?

im an ambivert , i dont like seeking out social interaction irl unless its one of my close friends or im just that bored , but i do get really loud / energetic when i am comfortable (i think you can tell that by how much goddamn energy i put into these asks) but my "social battery" still drains relatively fast i cant handle people very well lmao honestly , my and cynos reasoning for making our terrible jokes align a bit , although most people (apart from my irl friends apparently ???) dont find me intimidating , my main motivation when i slip in puns is to get people to laugh at how terrible they are , because im well aware theyre pretty bad (or all my friends just have the same broken sense of humor i do) . but yeah , i guess now theres two people on my genshin kin list now why do i kin both of the artificial humans in the game -

lets play a game where we ask eachother random questions , so its easier to end things off lol , got a window in your room ? if so , rate the view it has !

- jellyfish

yes the summers fic is so good thank you very much for recommending me it 😖🫶

AND YOOO THOSE GAMES ARE CUTE HAHA i liked nel and akira!!! also impressive how you did 2/3 of them in scratch,, i've had very little experience with it from like a few years back when i took a computing class and damn was it hard as hell 😵‍💫😵‍💫 so kudos to you man

glad i'm not the only one who comments on my own fics on docs LMAO and like you said, it's insanely fun!!!

the way that you're technically all of the above in the bingo 😭😭😭 and that drawing is sooo pretty!£8483£!!£! is that you or an oc of yours? (either way i've been eyeing it ever since i started typing here, hehe)

sooo i basically predicted what you're like irl?

i think for the most part it's because i'm a bit similar to you in some sort of ways, i'm only ever close with my closest friends and can get tired by interacting with people sometimes 😞 but the downside is that everyone finds me scary HAHA 😭😭 my friends had told me a bunch of times on how intimidating i look, when i really just have a normal expression on my face... apparently they said i always look like i have murder on my mind 🚶‍♀️

you now have another addition to the kin list, congrats 🤗

GREAT GAME!!! i do have a window in my room but it doesn't really have a great view... i'm currently living in a shitty apartment for the time being and the only thing i see from the window of my room is my neighbour's unit from my apartment complex 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ so i'd probably give it a 3/10 T-T

now, a question for you! what's the most silliest thing that you currently own? (it can be a purchased item, a gift you got, etc)

hope you're having a great day jellyfish ^^

#h answers #jellyfish <3

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idknhlstuff · 2 years

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ok ok ok, dont come for me yall. pls.

after taking a week to process everything, and such i think that the trades/free agents were good BUT didn't like the cat one. i also didn't like how they did not resign strome BUT this is for the better of the team. think of pre 2010 team- we SUCKED bad. in order to get good picks like kane or toews- we do need to tank. (imo we were already doing that but...) however, it still fucking sucks. also dislike jones and think he's shit but we cant do anything yall.

also, i actually like davidson and think that he's doing what he thinks is best AND he has the wirtz family behind him, that should say enough. they know they'll lose money in the next few years but it'll be worth it- hopefully. i know davidson's plan to get rid of the previous dudes decisions was difficult and had to be done.

with that being said, lets get behind our rookies, prospects and minors-- they are the future. lets also get behind Richardson, he deserves all our support. his plan this season is gonna be different but a good different. either google it or listen to Blackhawks talk on podcasts or CHGO Blackhawks podcast too.

we arent done yet, yall. we arent gonna be Arizona or buffalo who can never get their shit together.

Honestly, tanking for a shitty team is always nescessary, however the Cat traid showed that kyle hasn't got a single thought behi d those eyes. Tanking is easy, it's what comes afterwards that's hard.

In order to rebuild you need free agents to want to sign. Kyle davidson has been nothi g but a shitty liar. Chicago is not a great team to be on as it is right now, but players would ALWAYS talk about how great the organization has been to them and their family, but guess what? That organization is gone through the last 2 years the staff turnover has been huge the fucki g comentator just quit and davidson is going to develope the same reputation vegas has over how shitty they are with trades. Every single hawks player has said they did not expect to get traded at all, people don't like that.

And the fact that he gets along with wirtz is not a good thing.... Idk if you remember but the old one has done nothing but cause more bad press for the team.

And honestly, I'm into hockey not for the teams I'm in it for the players. If I lived in chicago I would be all in on the wild cup chase, but I'm not. And since kyle is the one who is quite literally chasing everyone I like out of the team he is the thing that is ruini g hockey for me.

1988 or at least Patrick were supposed to be hawks for life and he made it impossible. Patrick wants to stay so bad, but at this point it's very clear he's not welcome and there are so many other teams dying to have him now.

And yeah hawks are gonna be different than arizona and buffalo as in people won't feel the least bit sorry for them and openly mock hawks fans.

All in all, kyle personally ruined the hawks for me.

#kyle davidson

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moidse · 2 years

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omg... that was awful... i just feel like they have no sympathy and they are like wow you haven’t unlearned fatphobia wow so you want all fat ppl to die?!?! and its like nah dude.. i just hate my own body and have for ever... especially the past few years with the pandemic having me gain more weight and its been really hard and i haven’t liked looking at myself since 2019..... thats why i always bring it up.... cuz i basically have hated how i’ve looked since... i remember when the lockdown first started in 2020 i was ready to start going back in the gym cuz at that point i felt like i had gained too much weight and i just didn’t get to go in the gym for 2 years and i’m just the biggest i’ve ever been and i hate looking at myself. like its hard honestly to just rarely like seeing how i look in the mirror... like it fucks me up every day... and its hard not having a partner who encourages me and supports me trying to lose weight... like i just dont think wanting to lose weight is inherently negative... they are like its not bad if you are working out to feel better and im like why cant i do both? why cant i work out to feel better mentally and physically? losing weight has those effects... like why do you think going to the gym makes you feel better? idk... i think you can try to lose weight in unhealthy ways for sure... and that was like all of their examples was losing a dramatic amount of weight fast is bad and like duh... but i’ve never done that... i lose weight slowly... and ive never had a bad ED either...

i also just feel frustrated being fatter and hating myself and having skinner ppl being like wow you are fatphobic and need to stop... and its like easy for you to say you are smaller than me!!! you can still fit every size at the mall!!!! your are still a functional size in our society. i’m so fat and short that most clothes dont fit me correctly. like i can’t even wear clothes that fit me well any more and i have to wear the largest sizes available and hope it fits and if it does fit its still fucking too long on me cuz im less than 5 feet... i just felt this way when their housemate said this to me too... like it feels annoying have ppl skinnier than you talking about how you need to work on your fatphobia and omg you are so bad... like you arent even as big as me... stfu. i know i have issues with internalized fatphobia but the way you are talking to me about it is not helpful and i wish i just had a partner who are supportive of my goals and was encouraging because im sure that would’ve helped me a lot... its so helpful having a close friend or someone supporting you thoughout your journey...

i also just find it annoying because i’ve already accepted i will never be skinny.. like thats fine.. but i do want to lose some weight and like i said there are some small things that like once you gain so much weight you do notice your body doesn’t work the same and they were like how?? and its like idk dude if you aren’t big enough to know what i mean i dont feel like opening up?? while you are being so aggressive and shutting me down... like you aren’t even big enough to know what i mean... but no like there are a ton of small things that like i cant do as well or have to do differently because i’ve gained so much weight and that is just another daily reminder besides the mirror...

im just like.. also, like im sorry but i do believe like 95% of ppl work out to lose weight/ look hot.... and they are like its only okay to work out if its because it makes you feel good and its like what if losing weight makes you feel good? ... also, im sorry but so i should just say i dont do it to lose weight and i do it to feel good... thats whats politically correct to say? because i feel like ppl say that and are lying.

i just cant believe they said i want all fat ppl to die.. like why are you being so extreme and dramatic? i never said that and i’ve never thought that. why are you taking things to the most extreme degree and saying that’s how i feel? i dont like how i look. i dont want myself to die lol.

also, im trying to have a career in front of a camera and if i dont lose weight then my whole thing will be being the fat (blank) ... and i dont want that. maybe if i was seen as more of a guy i would feel more comfortable because guys are allowed to be fat more... but idk.. i want to look and feel hot...

them saying i want all fat ppl to die is so cringe like when they said that its ablilist that im upset they dont fuck me from behind-- like its giving sock being a tenderqueer.

i just cant stand skinny ppl telling me im bad because im fatphobic and they are just smaller than me and dont have to deal with as much.. and also they aren’t trying to have a career in entertainment which is very very fatphobic

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 2 years

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do you have any advice for how to uninternalize shame about kink and being into kinky sex? i know on an intellectual level that my preferences arent evil or harmful and im not hurting anyone and there is nothing wrong with consensual safe kink but its so hard not to feel like an evil failed person when the societal view of kink is so negative

hi anon,

I've found that a great first step to unlearning most kinds of shame, whether it's about sex or your body or anything else, is to not expect yourself to be able to do all of that heavy lifting alone. you didn't learn that shame by yourself - it's the the work of many generations and countless people reinforcing harmful ideas. undoing that harm is going to take more than one person, too.

what I'm saying that you need to surround yourself with a positive community where the focus of your shame is talked about as something that's normal, or even great. I speak from experience here - it was hanging out on this very hellsite as a lonely teen that made me realize that I could just be openly bisexual instead of choking back my gayer impulses and passing as straight for my entire life.

"but Makenzie, how do I find community? that sounds hard."

it's not necessarily easy! but listen - I just said tumblr counts, right? most of the people who had the biggest influence on me accepting my own bisexuality aren't people that I had any kind of personal one-on-one relationship with. they were people with bi pride flag icons who talked about their own sexuality and their bi headcanons for fictional characters like it was the most natural thing in the world.

that's also how I unlearned so much of the shamey bullshit that often surrounds conversations about sexuality. do you think I was BORN this cringe and unapologetically enthusiastic about discussing bodily fluids? god, no. but I found tumblr users who were happily dispensing advice based on their own sexual experiences, delightfully enthusiastic sex toy reviewers, and informative youtubers like Lindsey Doe and yikes alert incoming] Laci Green before she became a nazi. reading about sex like it was any other topic helped too - one early gem was Rachel Hills' The Sex Myth, which I still have sitting on my bookshelf.

basically, what I'm getting at is that there's no surefire, satisfaction guaranteed way to shake the shame. it would be wildly irresponsible to act like there was. but just seeing other people like you being normal, chill people can be very healing. something something looking at these nice folks and realizing they don't deserve to live in shame can help you realize you don't either. so go find other kinky people living their best kinky lives! might I recommend Evie Lupine's youtube channel as a starting point? I've been really enjoying some of her recent videos, and she has a HUGE backlog to explore.

lastly, and this is important: getting help from other people in unlearning your shame includes help with mental health. I'm a huge fan of therapy in general, and if you're really struggling with feeling gross and bad because of your sexual proclivities then unpacking that with a therapist couldn't hurt. depending on where you live, you could even search for a good match using the Kink Aware Professionals directory.

#sex edventures 2022

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utilitycaster · 2 years

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re: that post you made about flattened characters and the one you reblogged about how people genuinely thought the nein were neglecting caduceus: i honestly am just. astounded at that? caduceus deflects "talking about caduceus's personal issues" so hard it could be an olympic sport. and because as opposed to percy, he looks like he has it all together, it's super easy for him to actually appear to be the competent adult percy was so desperately trying to appear as.

i also think, and i say this as an avid and current fjorclay shipper who's also aroace, that "caduceus is being neglected" really meant "fjord hasn't kissed him yet, which is clearly what he wants, so he's being neglected. my ship hasn't happened yet and this is Bad". the fjorclay fandom got real toxic towards the end and then suddenly and mysteriously abandoned/condemned by a lot of allos (and aces who think aroaces in relationships arent' a thing) who ig were ignoring--or to be fair, not recognizing--the ace implications of the relationship to begin with, the moment caducues came out.

anyway, sorry for the long ramble in your inbox, i just think it's interesting that a lot of what i see as flattening of taliesin's characters is related to misinterpreting or ignoring or just simply not understanding their particular brand of queerness.

So I can't really address the shipping, or rather, I very much tried to avoid bringing that in because I do think that these issues all transcended shipping (as you say, Caduceus was deflecting constantly, and that's true however one feels about the ship) even though some -honestly, most- are often either perpetuated by or used as tools by people trying to push a certain narrative re: shipping. Or for that matter, by people trying to push a certain narrative about completely platonic character relationships.

I think in general it felt as though for Caduceus, and this is veering into a bit of armchair psychology, some of it came from people who seemed to really want people to stop and talk to them and actively break through their walls without communicating that. And it's just like...I'm afraid that, when one tells people to back off or changes the subject, many respectful and caring people will in fact back off or not bring up that topic again, and expecting them to read your mind and do the opposite of what you're telling them is unfair to them. The Nein doing this is a sign they respect Caduceus's autonomy and wishes and aren't going to pry, rather than a sign they don't care.

Which ties back to the grander theme of cherrypicking anyway: if you only take the characters at their word when they're telling you what you want to hear, and when they say things you don't want they secretly want something else, well, then you never have to consider that you misinterpreted or that the story isn't taking the same path as the one you wanted.

#cr tag

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creweemmaeec11 · 3 years

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I’ve been thinking about getting a pet rat, do you have any tips or what to start researching??

Absolutely! Pet rats are fantastic!

Heres a bunch of general info!

They are easy to care for, super interactive and intelligent, they can be trained to do tricks, mine are shoulder trained, which means I put them on my shoulder and just leave them there while I walk around and do whatever else, and they just sit and watch and hang out and it's great (they have awesome balance) and they love it. They can even be litter trained.

What rat should you get?

The first thing to know, is you can never, ever, have only 1 rat.

You NEED to get at least 2.

They are very social animals, and they need a friend. I can not stress this enough. Under no circumstance should you be buying a single rat.

Having only a single rat, on top of being just generally cruel, leads to behavior problems, depression, aggression, anxiety and just a really bad time for both the rat and the owner. Most rat breeders will actually refuse to sell you single rat baby unless you already have rats and your looking on simply getting another one. Please do not buy a single rat.

The next thing to consider is whether you want males or females. There is actually a big difference between their behaviors, potential health problems, and even diets.

-Male rats tend to be more lazy, cuddly, and want to spend more time with you. However, they do smell more, as they scent mark. Males should never eat anything citrusy, (lemons, oranges, ect) as studies show it increases chances of tumors.

-Females tend to be more energetic and playful and just want to go,go,go. They don't want to be held as much, and good luck getting them to stay still long enough to cuddle. They smell less, though. They can have bits of citrus, but most reccomend to just steer clear of it regardless. Females are also prone to mammory tumors (how I lost hex) unless spade at a young age.

Some health tips for both genders:

-They can eat pretty much anything, I often call mine "glorified greenbins". They love supper leftovers, scraps, ect. One of their favour treats is the bones from cooked chicken(good for grinding down teeth too)

-in general, avoid things with too much protein and try to keep it low in their diet (so dont give them too much meat) protein has been linked to hair loss, tumors, and other health problems

-stay away from peanutbutter or other sticky foods unless its watered down. Rats don't have a gag reflex, and thus can't dislodge something if they choke. Many risk it, but it's not worth the risk in my opinion.

If you have a cat or dog, make sure their cage is in a place your other pets cant pester and scare them.

Their cage

Just some quick tips and info:

While rats don't need a big cage, the tiny hamster cage the guy at the pet store will try and sell you won't cut it, esspecially once they are full grown. I personally recommend Critter Nation cages (as most people do, they are the community standard) but they are expensive new. Search facebook marketplace or other sites for second hand cages, they are a great way to get a good cage cheap.

Rats will chew through any cage that isnt metal, they can't be kept in plastic bottomed cages either.

Rats need airflow. Most rat owners of the western world strongly disagree with keeping rats in tanks.

It's important your rats have at least one place to hide, somewhere out of site they can go if they feel stressed or scared.

Toys! Rats are very intelligent, and need stimulation! They arent picky though. While you can buy fancy toys, they also don't mind diy (theres plenty) or even just some cardboard boxes, pompoms, cardboard tubes, fabric scraps like old destroyed clothing cut up, socks, ect! (I could make a whole nother post on great rat toy ideas alone)

Rats are great climber and jumpers, something to keep in mind while arranging their cage

I'm ready to get my rats, where do I get them?

I'd personally urge you to avoid big pet store chains, as those rats are typically mass bred with little care. Leople have bought females that turned out to be pregnant, rats that had mites, ect. Search online to find local rat breeders. These rats are bred to be healthy, handled daily as babies, ect. They will be more expensive, but will have less health and behavioral problems and will typically live longer (trust me, I learned the hard way)

Other things to keep in mind and be aware of:

people don't like rats. Especially elders. I've heard it all, many claim you'll catch diseases from them (despite the fact theyve lived in their cage their whole live and have been bred to be pets. Where would they have caught the disease to give to me in the first place? Its idiotic and completly false) I've had family members comment rude things of their photos, "I'd scream if there was a rat on my shoulder" ect. (If you rent, you may have problems with other tenants or the property owner, worried about them "getting loose in the walls" or some sh*t)Don't let idiots sway you. Rats are wonderful, very clean and intelligent animals. Just be prepared to defend your babies, and teach/show people to give them the respect they deserve.

rats don't have a long life span, and while some can live to be around 5, most only live about 2 years. Just understand this.

Know you will make mistakes, and that's okay. Every single pet owner has and will make mistakes. You will learn.

Anyway, that about sums up my little spiel, but here are the basic topics to research when thinking about getting rats:

How to care for pet rats

Rat diet and limitations

Things to know about pet rats

There are many, many good resources online! I also reccomend joining some rat facebook groups. The people in them are super nice and informative to questions, and its wonderful having a community behind you, and have somewhere to go with any questions!

I hope this helped! If your thinking about getting rats as pets, I encourage you to! Just do your research. They make wonderful pets and companions.

Also know that I'm not an expert, or a vet, I'm still learning everyday. This is just what I've learned via owning them. I urge you to do your own research into some of the things I mentioned here.

#rats #pet rats

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thisisasupergoodidea · 2 years

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i rewatched the episode. and i’ll be honest, i dont really think the side plot of junior and his mother was necessarily about guilt tripping the kid into crawling back to mom. long attempt at an analysis ahead

to me it felt like the point was that running away and avoiding the issue is the childish thing to do. it isnt a good/permanent solution. it solves nothing and only prolongs the trouble. when we’re first introduced to junior’s plot, pran says ‘hes a kid, he’ll get over it eventually’ and pat says ‘i was just like him when i was a kid too’. and later in the episode pat tells pran that he knows they cant stay forever. they’ve both known this the whole time. but they just wanted to indulge for a while, to be childish and free for a while

and when junior runs away from his mom, pat and pran split up to approach the conflict from each side. pran almost goes after junior but pat insists it should be him instead, leaving pran to get the mom’s side of the story. this conversation was all about a child’s perspective versus the mother’s. pran asks things like ‘what if he wants to stay? what if you had stayed as a kid and became a pirate like you wanted? do you feel lonely when he isnt around?’ which are all so youthful and reaching and searching

but junior’s mom has answers to all of them that kill the illusion that it could be so easy. ‘junior isnt thinking about his future, he wouldnt even exist if i hadnt been taught the same hard truth by my mom, and of course i miss him’. we don’t get to see junior come to terms with his perspective- but that’s because we’re already getting it… since it’s exactly what pat and pran are going through themselves

dont get me wrong, i really disliked how callous she sounded to her son’s wishes. like it would be so shitty if the point was that mothers know better and pran deserves to feel bad. rather, i think him feeling bad was a consequence of lashing out, running away, and trying to avoid the problems instead of talking through them... but yeah honestly im still unsure if ‘listen to your parents’ really was also an implied point or if it just unfortunately came across that way, just like the issue with wai exposing patpran got brushed aside as something that wasnt a big deal when it really really should have been. its hard to tell what this show is trying to say sometimes!! and that will be eternally frustrating to me!!

anyway. it hurts for me to think about pran in particular listening to this. yes, running away is a childish response, but for adults to kill the dream is also far too harsh. for adulthood to come and take you away from your comfort and fun and innocence and idealism… this is the very thing pat and pran are struggling with, being on the cusp of adulthood (i think theyre about 19 at this point?). i really want to believe that it doesnt have to be one versus the other, that we can carry our hopes and dreams into adulthood. i really want to believe that the show isnt just trying to say that adults are right in the end because the childish way is bad. after all, adults ARENT always right. pat literally says that! and uncle tong says ‘even if you cant change the world, dont let the world change you either’, so what does it all mean!!!

you know what else struck me about this plot? that it ends with junior being given a choice. they ask him: what is your decision? and he CHOOSES to go back with his mom. if it was about the mom being unquestionably right, she might have just dragged him by the arm or something. but she gives him some space and he goes back to her willingly. just as pat and pran understand that what they needed was some space to think about things and be themselves. and then they choose to go back together. i admit its very different since junior and patpran are at different life stages/levels of autonomy, but the parallel still works because their parents all definitely still view them as children

and call me a fool, but i dont think it means they‘ve given up. junior runs back to patpran and uncle tong for another hug, another few moments of clinging to that happy escape. he expresses a desire to see them again. he gets a souvenir (the scarf) that he can carry with him to wherever he’s going next in life. its not hopeless. and personally, i dont think the ending of episode 11 was altogether hopeless either. pat and pran HAVE to go back home because it’s the responsible thing to do. but they have their memories and souvenirs and love songs, symbols of their happy times together, to cling to for whatever happens next. my wish is for the finale to show us that its possible for youthful hope and mature practicality to coexist

long post i know! im just being flooded with thoughts now that the stunned speechless phase is over haha

#bad buddy #bad buddy spoilers #bad buddy series

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paypay0315 · 3 years

Text

The Space Between (3)

Pairing: Eren Yeager/Reader or Female OC!

word count: 3.6k Series

Summary: Harmony was a young girl who just lost her family, she was more of an open wound then most. When she catches the eye of Eren Yeager her whole life changes and she doesnt realize she might be in love.

Content for this Chapter: Rivals, mean eren, mean oc!. somewhat nice eren

She was tired. Her breathing became heavier and heavier the more she ran. This was her 10th time running around the bulidngs how long does he want her to keep going? She starts to move into a slow walk at the lack of oxygen she is starting to feel.

"KEEP RUNNING" her commander yells out.

She looked over to see him standing there watching her every move. She knocks her head back trying to get some relief from the strain in her neck. She huffs out and turns around cause she hears dirt being smashed and she sees its....... Eren. How did he get behind her so fast? She can't get beat by him.

She starts to run faster so he won't catch up to her. "I'm gonna beat you!" she hears Eren yell out. Hes getting closer. Did he get faster?

She cant let him win. "No you arent!"

He comes to her side and now they are running as fast as they can. Shes so close to the finish line, she just has to keep running.

She puts her head forward and passes her commander she starts to slow down her running. "I totally beat you!" Eren says painting.

"No you didn't I beat you!" she yells out bending down to put her hands on her knees.

"DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

She furrows her brows at him. She stands up about to go up to him but a hand stops her. Its her commander.

"Do you want more time?" he asks. She turns away from him.

"I shouldn't even be doing this, when he started it!" She pointed her finger at Eren.

He scoffs, "Huh?! You're the one who started it!!" He yells at her.

"For the LAST time, I DIDNT START IT!" She screams.

They both walk up to each other about to punch one another before they both get knocked down to the ground by their commander.

"THATS IT! ANOTHER TWO WEEKS ADDED!" He screams as loud as them.

They went silent after that. "Are you serious?!" Harmony asks.

"Do I look like i'm kidding?" He quirks his eyebrow up at her.

He's not kidding.

"The both of you get out of my sight before i banish you both" he spits.

Both Eren and her get up and go back to their room to get their rest of their duties started.

This will never end with him will it?

.....

"Eren!" Armin yelled out to him. "So how was the run? he asks.

"Like it always is" he huffs getting ready to go clean the Tavern.

"She gave you a hard time again?" he aksed the young boy.

"No..... shes just like she always is. And im not gonna let her be a bitch towards me-"

"Eren" Mikasa interrupts him. Eren looks her direction. "You cant let her get to you like that or you're going to get kicked out"

"Im not"

"You are, you were always hot headed like this" she tells him. "How are you supposed to 'destroy all the titans' when you cant even train to beat them anymore?" she tells him.

Shes right. He knows she is right.

"So you want me to sit there and let her disrespect me?" he tells her.

"No, but you dont need to be one step closer to getting kicked out."

He stays silent.

"We need you Eren...." she wanst to say more. (I need you) "We cant sacrifice you because you will be the one to destroy the titans" she says soflty.

"Right armin?"

Armin turns to look at her. "Yes"

"Mikasa don't tell me what to do. i'll deal with her my own way" he says and walks out the door.

They are right. He doesn't want to admit but they are right. He cant let someone like Harmony destroy his dream of destroying the titans.

....

She huffs trying to get the sticky beans out of the floor. They had two more weeks left to clean out this whole tavern and they werent even half way finished. She looks towards Eren's and sees him standing on top of the stairs wiping away the tea that was thrown there.

She rolls her eyes at how easy it is for him since he is just wiping something easy while shes abou to blow her shoulder out trying to clean this food. "You know it would be alot quicker if you helped me clean this side, you know like our commander said! she growled.

He doesnt say anything back. Is he ignorimng her?

"Hey? Im talking to you! she gets louder.

He doesnt say anything back again.

She throws the silver wear at his head. "Hey! Cut it out!" he yells

"Im talking to you!"

"Yeah i can clealry hear you, you sound like a whaling cat!"

Her mouth agaps at the insult, "When im talking to you, you talk back idoit!"

"No I dont, look im trying to get this done and you are distracting me!"

"im disctrating you?"

He nods his head.

"Distracting you from what excalty, you falling on your face half of the time" he stops and she smirks at how much it got to him. For the past weeks he hasn't been able to do any of the training cause he either falls on his face or is the last one out of all of the them. He throws the towel on the floor ands walks towards her.

"Look! I dont know what your problem is but i don't have time for it. I didnt come here to fight humans I came here to fight titans. I have a dream. A dream that one day I will destroy all the titans, and you are ruining it! So yes im ignoring you because i dont need some annoying wench like you DESTROYING MY DREAM!!'

Well that was dramtic.

But she doesnt say anything. She just looks at him.

In a way she saw herself in him. She had the same dream.

She turns around and walks away picking up a towel to help him with the cleaning. "You aren't the only one with that dream you know?" she says quietly.

"Huh?!"

"I'm saying, you aren't the only one who has come here to get some petty revenge on the Titans...... everyone here has lost someone..... someone important to them" she looks away from him trying to fight the tears coming down her face.

What does she mean by that? He thinks.

When she turns around he sees tears welling up in her eyes, he also notices how she is trying to hide them. Why? Did something bad happen to her?

When he looks at her, he doesn't see the same Harmony that threw food on him, or the same Harmony that screams at him every chance she got.

He saw someone softer, like under all that lent up anger was a girl who was lonely and just wanted friends. His eyes go soft as well, and for a moment just a moment he saw the real her.

But it's over in a instant, because she notices how his eyes go soft. She can't let him see her cry, she can't let him so her be so weak.

Her face changes back to that rough Harmony, she walks up to him and punches his arm tightly.

"OW! WHAT THE HELL!"

"GET BACK TO WORK DUMB ASS! she yells.

"Why did you pinch me??!!"

"Because you are just standing around and we have to get this done, now get back to work!" She walks away from him going back to picking at those beans on the floor.

But Eren doesn't fail to look back at her one last time. Who was Harmony really?

......

"Next group step up" her commander says. Shes next up to use the MOD gear, she isnt nervous at all. She's observed many people getting in it and it didn't seem too hard.

But was she so wrong. Getting into was harder than she thought. She can't even put her leg up in the suit because it gets falling out from under her butt.

Eren looks over and sees her struggling and he can't help but feel...... guilty. But why?

Why should he feel guilty for someone who has been insulting him since he first got here. But even then he can't help but feel guilty at the fact that he has a chance to help her and is not trying to take it.

He runs up to her since no one was even trying to help her. He guesses that's her effect, ever since she got here she hasn't really mad a lot of her friends. But that's her fault though she rude to everyone who goes nears her.

Even so he still shouldn't leave her like that. "Hey. You're doing it wrong!" He blurts out.

He was no expert on this himself but he at least knew how to get in it.

She turns around and looks at him with a deadly stare. "What the hell do you want Yeager?!"

"Nothing..... it's just- here let me help!" he walks up to her and reaches to grab the cords pulling up the MOD gear but she instantly knocks his hand out of the way.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" She shouted.

"You're doing it wrong!" he yells out.

Her eyes go wide at what he just said. Is he trying to help her? Like hell she will get help from him.

"I don't need it" She says while still struggling to get inside of the gear.

She huffs at her stubbornness. "Yes you do, now listen to me!" He grabs her hand roughly and puts it on the cord she immediately pulls away.

She didn't know what to do or say. She hasn't had a human touch like that since..... well since that day.

"NO!"

She pushes him down to the ground and Eren yells out in pain.

"YOU THINK I NEED YOUR HELP ASSHAT?!" She screams for everyone to hear.

He stands up quickly, shocked that she even pushes him down so fast. "I was just trying to help?!" he yelled.

"I don't care! What gives you the right?!"

"It's not my fault you don't know how to work this thing!"

She stares at him for a long time. What can she even say to that? He's right she doesn't know how to do it.

But out of everyone why did Eren have to be the one to help her? He thinks he's so much better than her doesn't he?

"You think you're better than me?" She snaps.

"What-"

"I'll show you, who is really going to defeat the titans" She points her finger to her chest and walks away from the crowd that was being brought up next to them.

What the hell just happened? Eren thought to himself.

......

Getting out of that hot sun was honestly the highlight of her day today.

Sitting in the Tavern that didn't have those massive food stains on the walls was so peaceful. Not only because she got to eat here but because where she sat she could look outside the window and see the sun go down.

She sat by herself most of the time and she liked it that way. She wasn't much of a talker herself but all she needed was herself at this point and that's all that mattered to her.

But she can't help but look down at the people in the room and get..... jealous. She wouldn't admit it but she was mainly jealous of Eren. She was a very good observer and she saw the way Mikasa and Armin treated him.

It's like they would both die for him and she wishes she had someone like that in her life. Well at least she did..... at one point.

Shes not saying she wants someone to die for her because she honestly can't handle another person dying in her life. But she wants someone to care for her again.

She missed it. She missed when someone worried for her. She missed how her mother would always patch her back up when she ran a little to fast and fell and scrapped her knee. She missed when her father would read her a bed time story because she could not sleep cause of the night storms.

She looks down at all the people laughing together and drinking together. It reminds her of the time her family was celebrating her 7th birthday party.

How her mom made her, her favorite birthday cake flavor, and how her uncle ended up getting so drunk he couldn't even stand on his own two feet.

She smiled.

But that smile was soon washed away by the tears that came down her face.

She misses those times. She misses the times where she could just laugh with her family and be happy.

All of that was taken from her, it's gone now.

That's why she has to kill the Titans. That's why she has to destroy them all.

But the bright side of this is she doesn't have to worry anyone else dying on her. Now that she was alone she didn't have time to worry about other people.

That was a good thing.

Was it though?

.....

"AHHHH!" WHATS GOING ON?" An old man yelled out.

"SWEETIE GET BACK INSIDE!" A women screamed out to her lover she didn't have time to reach out to him because he was already being picked up by a mindless titan.

"HONEY!" She yelled out to him.

A little girl came running outside. "DADDY WAIT!" she cried tears pooling around her eyes.

"SWEETIE GET BACK INSIDE!" another lady ran out to the young girl.

"MOM!"

She was more of an older women, she could barely even walk but once she saw her precious grand daughter out there it's like she could run a whole mile.

Everything goes black and the little girl is alone.

Shes alone in the dark space.

"Hello!" She calls out but no one answers.

She walks around holding on to her doll her father made for her.

"It's your fault!" She hears faint whispers in the air.

"It's your fault!" she turns around and no one is there.

"It's your fault, you're weak" multiple voices start to pile on top of one another and they eventually start to scream at the little girl.

She covers her ears but it's no use her head feels like it can explode. "Shut up!" she yells

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

It's no use.

"STOP!" she comes up from the deep sleep she was once in.

Another nightmare.

"Are you okay?" She hears a familiar voice call down to her. She looks up and sees her roommate at the top bunk.

Sasha was her name.

"Yes i'm fine" Harmony tells the girl.

"Are you sure, you were tossing and turning a lot last night" Sasha tells her.

"Yes, i'm fine like I said" Harmony spits getting angry at the constant nagging she was doing.

Sasha refrains from asking any more questions, she clearly knows when Harmony is in one of those moods.

She feels like a furnace, she's too hot to be in this little room so she leaves out the room to get some fresh air.

It's still dark outside? How long was she asleep for? It had to have only been a couple of minutes.

She looks up at the sky, she can't help but get lost at looking at all the stars in the sky. She wishes she could count every single one of them. There was always to many though.

She did that a lot with her mom. They would come out here and count all the stars till she slowly started to fall asleep. Well she would pretend to be asleep. She smiles at the memory.

But starts to cry once again. Why can't she stop crying every time she thinks of her mom?

Eren was only trying to get a pale of water until he saw Harmony close by the well. He stops, he doesn't know why though?

He usually would never stop what he was doing just becasue she was around, it's probably because he wants to see what she was doing.

She was looking at the sky, why was she out so late? Could she not sleep?

Wait why is he worried about what she is doing? It's not like he cares about her anything......

He gets interrupted by his thoughts when he hears a faint sob leave her chest. She's crying? But why?

Should he say something? No she won't like that.

He does the only thing he can think of and just walks up to the well and pretend he never saw her.

Yeah that's the perfect idea, he thinks.

She turns around when she hears someone coming up behind her she thinks it's Sasha again and she tries to mentally prepare herself for the questions she is going to get asked but when she looks over it's not her at all.

Instead it's him. Eren.

She doesn't hide the eye roll she does when she sees him.

"Hey to you to then" he sarcastically says.

"What are you doing out here?"

"Why is it any of your business" she interrupts him.

"It's not, i'm just asking" this is the first time that he didn't scream or insult her when she was being rude to him.

What's up with him?

"I'm just looking at the stars" she says quietly.

"Oh, you like to star gaze?"

"Yeah, is that a problem?"

"Oh..... umm.... no it's just, I like to look at the stars too" he says while putting the bucket down.

She turns his way shocked at his answer. "Wait! Really?" she gushed.

He smiles at her reaction.

That was actually really..... cute. He thought.

"Yeah, umm you see that star up there" he points.

"I called that one the big toe" he exclaimed a light flashing in his eyes.

"The big toe?" she smiles a little at the ridiculous nickname. "Why that name?"

"Well you see at the time me and Mikasa had been beating up these dudes who were picking on Armin, and one of them and fallen and broke his big toe." He tries to control his laughter.

"It was actually quite hilarious because it was the first star that had appeared in the night sky, we named it that because it was a reminder to us that we won't let anyone stand in our way" he looks up again and Harmony just sits and listens.

"It was basically a promise between all three of us .... we've kept it ever since" he says.

Their friendship is so powerful. Her heart tugs at the feeling, she feels....envy.

When he looks back at Harmony he can't help but feel like he has seen her from somewhere.

Maybe she wouldn't feel this way if only she had her family still here. If only that day didn't happen. If only she had did something to help them.

"It's your fault"

She turns around looking at Eren thinking he spoke. But it wasn't him.

"It's your fault" she hears once again.

Who's saying that?

"it's your fault"

She feels her head starting pound against her skull and she starts to twitch and Eren notices.

She scrunch's her eyes to try and numb the pain but it doesn't work. The pounding gets louder and louder and she eventually starts to moan and the pain.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asks.

"I'm fine!" She blurts out. "Ah!" she yells holding her head in her hands.

"it's your fault"

"Stop it!" She yells out.

"Harmony-" Eren tries to reach out to her but she smacks his hand away.

"I told you i'm fine!" she growled. She lands on her knees holding her head in her hands to try and get the pain away.

"It's your fault"

"SHUT UP!" she screams out.

Eren doesn't know what to do or say. He just stares out to her. She takes deep heavy breaths and he wants to reach out to her again but he is scared at getting yelled at again.

She tries to stand back up and turns and looks at Eren who has a confusing look on his face.

"What the hell are you looking at?!"

"Nothing i-i was just-"

"ITS NIT MY FAULT!" she screams at him. What is she saying?

Why does she feel like this? She feels like she just run another one of those 10 laps. Maybe she needs to take a nap. Yeah sleeping will help.

"Harmony-" he tries to reach his hand out to her but she punches him instead.

"Stay the hell away from me! I know what you're doing. You trying to find my weak points right? Well that's not gonna happen, because i'm not weak!" she hissed.

Eren hold his face in his hands. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU WITCH?!" He screams. But she is already inside her room before she can insult him back.

Just when he thought she has changed she went right back to who she was.

Maybe there wasn't anything special about her? Maybe he is just imagining things. God he hates her.

He spits blood out of his mouth and grabs the bucket and gets water from the well, but he stops for a moment.

Maybe there isn't another Harmony hiding under all that hardness and roughness. Maybe that is who she is.

It can't be though. That day she seemed so different, what's wrong with her now? And why the hell was she screaming that way? Is she in pain?

Why do I care? He thinks.

.....

#eren yaegar #eren smut #eren icons #eren #eren headcanons #eren x reader #eren x #eren x poc!reader #eren jeager smut #eren.txt #eren yeager #eren aot #attack on titan eren #eren jaeger #eren x y/n #eren jeager x reader

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