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#because honestly who cares if i am or if im not
shibe · 4 months
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in the middle of a bad ocd relapse and i’m doing all the things i shouldn’t but….❤️
#aughhhh#i’m pain shopping constantly#i know that it’s bad for me and i tell myself to stop and i’ll do good for a week or two#and then i get the urge again after getting triggered and im back to reading and looking and comparing and failing and failing and failing#my ego isn’t so….damaged anymore where i feel the need to prove that im ‘better’#because honestly who cares if i am or if im not#there’s a chance i’m not! i just have to live with that possibly being true#and that’s almost okay until i start to wonder if this will be my ‘forever’#i just can’t stop thinking about why it had to be like this#like i’m young and stupid and who knows what else but it feels so LOSERISH#like wow? this hurt me this badly? this? like i haven’t been through tougher things#but no! THIS is what makes you miserable this is what you carry around everyday this is what makes you flinch everytime you try to be#intimate or sexy or whatever else#god i’m such a loser#and you know? i don’t get angry anymore#i don’t point fingers or lay down and cry victim#i am good at keeping it to myself i am good at making it not noticeable even when im on the brink of biting my tongue off#it doesn’t go away!#i know too much and i think about it all the time#you know my memory isn’t great especially when it comes to stuff that happened but wow i haven’t forgotten one detail#it feels so girlfailure to be so broken over this and i can’t even admit it to anyone besides my therapist#oh yeah lol this happened and this probably has happened to like the majority of people but it has#genuinely changed how i perceive others and myself and i have not felt comfortable in my own body since#LOL!
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klanced · 11 months
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Keith walking into the holding cell greeting all the regulars by name while Lance is sobbing lamenting that his life is over and his future is ruined (they were like. Trespassing or some shit he’s going to be fine)
lance: (actively dry heaving in the corner, on the verge of a panic attack as he imagines having a permanent record)(actually what does a permanent record even look like?)(omg is he going to have to go to COURT? like in JUDGE JUDY?)
keith: remy, this is lance. lance, this is remy, she’s my favorite alcoholic :)
#voltron#klance#honestly I imagine they got caught trespassing while ghost hunting#if they’re in Texas then they will most likely get a full on misdemeanor on their record. Texas is very big on property rights.#trespassing can quickly elevate to criminal charges in texas it is actually very serious. do not trespass in texas.#meanwhile in Maine trespassing can be just an infraction & not added to your record#like sure they're teenagers so they could get their records sealed or expunged when they're 18. but like. the garrison would know. not good#sorry i just like talking about the law#speaking of which let me go on a tangent#i do think keith frequently gets charged with trespassing. at his own shack in the desert.#and so now he is Really good at juvenile law specifically because he is constantly arguing with cops#keith: this is not trespassing. my dad owned this property & he died unmarried without a will.#keith: i am literally his child and i inherited this land after his death YOU CAN'T ARREST ME FOR TRESPASSING ON MY OWN PROPERTY.#cop: okay well the house is all burned down it's a safety hazard#keith: I AM NOT IN THE HOUSE I AM IN THE SHACK WHICH MEETS MINIMUM SAFETY REQUIREMENTS. GET FUCKED.#cop: okay but you're out after curfew--#keith: is this a game to you? drag me in front of that judge i DARE you. you want to take the ORPHAN to court over CURFEW?#keith: you want to arrest my parents? WHAT PARENTS? everyone in this county knows me as the son of a hero firefighter.#keith: a hero firefighter who died in the line of duty btw. in case you forgot. since i'm an ORPHAN who has no one who CARES about CURFEW.#keith: my dad is dead my mom is gone my brother disappeared in space im 0 for 3 parents-wise. drag me before a judge. make my fucking night#sometimes i answer an ask or make a post specifically so i can do my own separate thing in the tags#i just like talking about law. i'm so excited for law school u guys#keith#lance#lance: (freaking out)#keith: (relaxed because he knows a really good lawyer who specializes in juvenile law)#shitpost#ask#anonymous#otp: we are a good team
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craycraybluejay · 3 months
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its rly fascinating that when i want to talk about a specific brand of transphobia im an asshole for not phrasing it like a PR team.
but when baeddels are actively transphobic its "just talking about the transmisogyny they face" and its actually just fine that they use slurs meant to degrade and misgender to refer to trans men + use porn terms to talk about us despite saying that using porn terms to talk about them is transphobic and evil + oh they didn't mean it like that.
if i try to talk about transphobia its immediately "piss on the poor website" where every word is under criticism. but on the opposite end even using slurs or being openly transphobic earns some cheers and, well, rare opposition.
i didn't even tag my post with common searchable tags,, y'all just want to be mad because it's a lot more comfortable to see trans men under attack.
if you criticize a few trans women for transphobic behaviour that makes You transphobic for criticizing them. if they call you slurs and other above mentioned things they are not transphobic bc ofc its impossible to be transphobic to trans men.
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jessicas-pi · 1 year
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it's actually, genuinely, honestly hilarious that in a fandom where popular ships include characters who are biologically related, characters with a 10+ year age gap who met when one was a teenager or even a child, and characters who have tried to kill each other, people hate on a friends-to-lovers ship with a <2 year age gap where the characters have a deep emotional bond and plenty of romantic subtext, because "they're siblings". my brother in the force they are literally not.
#i'm just saying. out of all the ships in the star war; sabine and ezra have one of the healthiest dynamics#right up there with kanera and bail and breha and obitine and maybe a few others. there are SO few 'problems' with it.#not that those 'problems' make a ship BAD when it's written well or in certain context.#just that out of all the ships to pick on; people choose THIS one?????#the one with character growth and found family and mutual respect??#the one with self-sacrifice and decades-long loyalty and obitine parallels and a jetpack chase scene????#what's there to hate???#and i would add a disclaimer about how if you dont ship them its fine as long as you dont bully but honestly?#i am so so tired of having to qualify my statements.#this is about the targeted hate. this has always been about the targeted hate.#and i don't care if someone loathes something i love as long as they they keep that loathing out of my personal space.#this has been a tag rant. thank you for reading.#btw i'm not being sarcastic about it being hilarious. it genuinely cracks me up to see people get SO hateful over this#for a reason that does not exist#as opposed to several other ships which DO IN FACT HAVE THAT OBJECTION.#like. oh my gosh. are you even listening to yourselves.#if u wanna have the don't-ship-siblings fight then puhLEEZE bring it to someone who ships siblings.#jessica's controversial star wars opinions#sabezra#(don't worry that this post is a vent because i'm getting bullied or anything. im not visible enough for that i guess lol)#it was written in humor not in hurt :)
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charmac · 6 months
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#gonna go on a parasocial rant for a man i barely care about bc thats where i am#but honestly its actually a little heartbreaking#when you think about the fact that rob#who we know struggled in school and with behavioural issues#was a neurodivergent kid who had no idea what that even was#no resources or labels to help him#is now an adult figuring this all out#and seeing#holy shit this sports team i grew up with and love knows about this too#and theyre doing all of this#like do you realise he was a kid in the 80s with no knowledge of any of this#used sports as an outlet and to bond with his dad#probably imagining if this foundation had existed when he was a kid what that could have done for him#and i now have the money and ability to support this all#so hes donating and posting to raise awareness and encourage support#and he's spending time and money with his soccer team in wales to do this same thing#so neurodivergent kids who love sports are growing up with what he didnt have#and their parents are able to recognise and understand what his couldn't (no fault of their own)#im sorry but youre a very blindly heartless person to think that doesnt matter because rob is NOW rich#why are we acting like hes elon fucking musk#he came from nothing you ALL KNOW HOW SUNNY STARTED!?#yes hes stupid spending his money on nfts and the metaverse#can you not see hes fucking growing... and learning. like. probably through his own kids....#i dont even care if you dont care#i dont think it matters at all but adamantly shitting on him to his (social media) face is so beyond loser behaviour#holy fucking christ most of twitter now has clearly been educated in the tiktok school of anti capitalism#that they think the moment someone breaks 1mm they lose their history and soul#rob is a centrist he posts copganda he owns a gun and is proud of it but youre biggest issue with him is he won at capitalism?#via doing something not only he loves but YOU love? and have a whole account dedicated to??????#everyone in his quotes is britta perry from community
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matchandelure · 3 days
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binge read all of kaiju no 8 a couple days ago :::) and im all caught up w the anime now too i am hooked holy
#haha i start my internship in a couple days so im feeling really shitty and anxious and need to bury my feelings w new media#I LOVE THIS SERIES??!!! A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i didnt do research before starting the anime like i usually do..so i had zero idea who the voice actors were#BUT THEN I HEARD HOSHINA SAY ONE LINE AND WAS IMMEDIATELY LIKE. ASAGIRI GEN IS THAT YOU?!?!??!?@??@?@!?!!?!?!!!#IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND OOOOOOOH THE ACCENT IS PERFECT!!!!!#hoshina is my favourite.....silly guy who wields his sword for fun... i also caught up with b side bc i heard he was the main#and i cried lol...#also cried a couple more times during my run through the manga haha#kafka... ohhhhh kafka as a protag!!!!!! HES SO SO AMAZING#guy in his 30s fueld by a promise w his childhood friend to stand next to her and eliminate all the monsters#THE WAY HE CARES SO MUCH ;O; THE IMPACT HES HAD ON BOTH RENO AND KIKORU#KIKORU MY DAUGHTER ;O; SHES DONE SO MUCH SHES DONE SO WELL SHES AMAZING SHE DESERVES SO MUCH PRAISE AND LOVE#yea....i like these guys i think they are very very cool I CANNOT WAIT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THEM#honestly kn8 episodes are gonna be what gets me through the weeks now...#both these eps and ALSO THE NEW TOURABU ANIME BUT IM SO SAD ITS ENDING IN 3 MROE EPS :(((#literally either teared up cried or screamed or all 3 a ton as i watched each episode tkrb will always cheer me up#i am gods most predictable pathetically weak soldier i saw hoshina who smiles like ranpo and laughs and jokes around constantly and yet als#has this huge sense of like... what is my purpose. what is my proof of existence. how can i be asked to just drop the one thing that ive#kept at all my life. thats all i have out here thats the only way for me to save people and prove i existed#that keeps me this role in this force in this organization and this is all i ahve to live for#HES SO URUHRHTUGHGSDFKJFK#GUY WHO ON THE SURFACE SEEMS SO HAPPY GO LUCKY AND SIMPLE WHO SHOUDLERS AND KEEPS SO MUCH TO HIMSELF WHO IS SO PASSIONATE ABOUT ONE THING#THAT HAS SHAPED HIS ENTIRE LIFE WHO CARES SO SO MUCH AND JUST WANTS TO DO WHATEVER HE CAN BECAUSE ITS ALL HE CAN DO#i discovered bsd when i was 14 years old discovered ranpo bsd and was never the same#comfort character fr actually..so comfort character that it transcends just the one series#lol enough rambling i shall go back to playing hades watching one piece with kn8 manga tab open split screen style and listening to p3r#soundtrack so that i can stop thinking and forget that i am actually somehow a person#willows rambling branch
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steelycunt · 1 year
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ridi im sorry i need to rant and i think youll get it 😭 like not to be a bitch but this fandom kinda going off the rails and annoying the shit out of me https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRbYASpf/ everybody in the comments unironically loving it,,, i mean wtvr ship who you want but its kinda getting delusional like ppl are just operating on thin air and pretty fancasts atp and i do Not understand or emotionally connect with any of it. at least w wolfstar theres so much material and foundation to explore but what is all the rest of this?? just hot celebrity fancasts and crack. to be fair part of me respects taking a terfs canon material and making everybody gay but the way it seems to be so oversaturating fics and the fandom that characters dont even feel like their original selves .. atp its all just surface level OCs
hello! yes! i'll be honest talking about things like this always make me a little nervous, and i feel obligated to preface anything i say with a disclaimer that none of it really matters, nothing i say matters, and you should do what you like, because--who cares. i am not an authority on--anything, frankly. my opinion holds no more weight than the next guy's, and all i'm doing here is giving it, so. essentially what im saying is--people are perfectly entitled to disagree with me, but people are not entitled to be mean to me about it xx
having said that. it is my personal opinion that s x barty is one of the worst fucking things i have ever heard lol. who even is barty who is that guy. why would s be interested in him at all. i do not understand it it does not make sense to me. from where are we sourcing the character traits and personality that we are giving barty that would ever endear sirius to him, because it objectively cannot be canon.
overall i do not get the new interest in barty + evan + pandora (+ regulus, but we won't go there)...at all, other than guessing that people were bored with the marauders and wanted a new version of them (and new celebrities to fancast) while simultaneously changing next to nothing about them other than superimposing them onto the first slytherin side characters they could rustle up. i expect ive become a bit of a broken record in regards to my dislike of the popular meow-meow-ification + complete absolution of regulus as a character in order to make him a loveable oc (just as i think erasing all the negative traits that r/s have in order to make them more likeable is just as boring), and all of that applies to those other guys as well (with the slight difference that they are, somehow, even less interesting and significant than regulus in canon), so i won't get into that too much. but i think what you say about having no emotional connection to any of it is exactly right lol--it is a sort of shift? i guess? in the fandom that is simply of no interest to me. they are characters that i just have no emotional investment in and admittedly struggle a little to understand why other people do. i am emotionally invested in, like, five characters overall (and even out of those--there's only two i'm really here for innit xx) and i personally cannot extend that investment to a creepy little side character who is mentioned maybe twice in the entire series.
and that is okay! i do not need to understand it. i don't want to say it annoys me because honestly--i don't go there, its nothing to do with me. if i dont like it i just wont interact with it, and the fact that it doesn't interest me has no bearing on what other people are into or want to do, and i couldn't give less of a shit what people do with the canon material, which is largely garbage anyway. take the bits you want from it, play around with those and ignore the rest. in that respect we are all doing exactly the same thing. but yeah i think s x barty is genuinely awful lol. hate it. very terrible. he's already got a loser werewolf boyfriend and he loves him so so much. leave him alone.
#i know most people are reasonable and thus it is perhaps overly cautious of me to insist on shrouding my unpopular#opinions in like. layer upon layer of placatory disclaimers but. well im a rather anxious guy i can't help it xx but im going to use these#tags to have a bit more of a consequence-less hater hour so. if you like regulus or barty or any of that lot i suggest you look away now#because i am about to express opinions about them that you probably wouldnt agree with + wouldnt enjoy reading!!#like full warning what im about to do is NOT any sort of analysis or defence of my opinion i will just be hating on them. is that clear.#okay. having said that. hater hour. barty and evan and honestly regulus were all cunts? like they were terrible people why do we care#about them now. regulus interests me solely as a piece of context for sirius' character. i could not give less of a shit about him as a#person in his own right. which leads me to my next hater moment: why oh why oh WHY on earth would canon james potter be interested#in canon regulus black. it makes sense in like a muggle au where they are virtually completely different characters but canon?#why would he be attracted to him. there is nothing. there is no chemistry i am ASLEEP and so is james. he would not give that#guy a second look. like it just baffles me it truly does. i feel like you have to bend over backwards to create a situation in which#james potter would ever show an interest in regulus. and i know jegulus is a fucking force to be reckoned with nowadays but god i just#do not like that ship. also i think the fact that barty and pandora and evan are essentially just oc characters who have been coloured#in by general fanon consensus shows in that what they have become is just. not interesting or complex or well fleshed out lol. like#idk i feel like they are just. very shallow. deliberately. so they are easy to like and easy to ship because that is what theyre there for.#god it feels so good to say all this. i will never be a hater again (<- lying) but i needed to be able to just. say this just once xx#also if you needed any more indication what barty and evan and regulus are here to do you just have to look at their#super-hot super-conventionally attractive celebrity model fancasts. like it all adds up its like but what if these death eaters were#not actually evil :-( what if they were really sweet and also? so so hot. like they were all so hot and actually really good#and none of them meant to be evil they didnt want to be :-( they were just hot good guys all in love with each other and the evil stuff#they did wasnt their fault :-( like that has to be. the most boring thing you couldve possibly done with these blank slates. surely.#anyway. im done now but i enjoyed hater hour immensely this was so fucking good for my soul xx thanks and goodnight xx#anon#telegram#scream hang on sorry. just looked at the comments of that tiktok where people are saying they were prison besties. girl. girl.#girl they were in prison for very different reasons baby. baby you know that right. baby look at me. look at me
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lucaplushie · 5 months
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@ineffag-swag ask and ye shall receive
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flower-zombie-rob · 11 months
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Welcome to day one of how many times can my mother tear me down and destroy my confidence in one go. How many days will this go on? Im not sure! Tune in next time for a brand new episode of Taking Advantage Of My Kids Rejection Sensitivity, youre watching the disney channel.
#Sometimes I really do just honestly kind of hate her. I know it's a horrible thing to say about one's parents who care for them but it's#true. With the way that she treats me and criticises me and takes every advantage of a chance to tear me down it just really hurts all the#time. I can't criticise her because she ll fly off the handle at me and say how many things she does for me that i dont apreciate enough#But for her she can say as many times as she wants that she doesn't like my hair and she doesn't like the way I dress and she doesn't like#This the way I look and she doesn't like the way I stand and she doesn't like the things I say and she doesn't like my beliefs#She can say she doesn't like my tone of voice and that she doesn't like the way i stress out about things and im not allowed to say#A negative word about her in edgeways when she's allowed to tear me down on a constant basis and make me hate myself. As someone who really#Struggles with a lot of self loathing problems and self hatred she really does just rip into me with no restraint constantly. She knows#That I suffer with some serious rejection sensitive dysphoria that I am trying to get therapist help for and she still has no restraint#When it comes to criticising me and everything I am and everything I like. And she has the goal to do this thing where she is kind of peer#Pressures me into agreeing with the things that she says which in turn just makes me consolidate those horrible beliefs about myself in my#own head. If I don't agree with her criticism of me I can't just say so I have to not along with her and affirm to myself that those#Things are true. That I don't like my own hair that I don't like my face and my makeup and my clothes. That my preferences are wrong and#That I dress too androgynously. That I could never experiment with things like pronouns or gender and that I have to agree with societally#Homophobic undertoned things that she says because I can't bare to have her criticise me again and again and again for critisising her.#I can't do this anymore it makes me dread every time she comes into my room to talk to me about some new thing she doesn't like about me. I#And constantly stressing about how much people dislike me and how annoying I am#And the fact that I'm literally hiding the things that I want to wear from her so i can put them on when i get away from her and yet she#she will still get upset if I criticise her for making me literally hate myself on a regular basis. she wont beleive me and she'll be#Confused if I have a belief that doesn't match hers and she'll get so excited when I even possibly hint at doing something to my appearance#that she likes and knows I don't. I worry wake for comic corner she wouldn't shut up about how much my hair looks really good in a style i#dont want to cut it. If I dress in a way that's openly queer she ll act like I'm going to get#and i quote “the wrong kind of attention” Because she thinks that me even possibly being misgendered because of my clothing is a#disgusting crime and that I should be the perfect Barbie doll pink pretty princess she always wanted her children to be. She wants me to be#Someone that I can't be comfortably and she's essentially forcing me to fit this mould of her preferred child. Which obviously makes me#Despise who I am and hate my own interests and style. And as horrible and hurtful as it is to say this#I can't wait to get away from her.#sigh#vent#harsh morning
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lith-myathar · 1 day
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#i joke about it and all but like. i cannot emphasize enough what an impact it had on me to be uhhhhhb#micro-institutionalized in the way that i was for the first 14 years if my life#and i am honestly going to count the time i soent in ''elementary'' school bc it wasn't a normal school. it was a charter school#that began as a parent organized alternative and swiftly devolved into an authoritarian nightmare#a bunch of people who were simply not ready to educate children let alone ''problem'' children#of which there were MANY because that school got all the kids who had been turned out of public school for behavioral issues#there were hardline rules about literally everything. normal childhood behavior was pathologized and punished and as a kid#you had no way to understand WHY#and so many of your peers were having problems because ofc those ''problem'' kids were typically severely traumatized#or were actively being abused#so even if it wasn't happening TO you you were being exposed to it in a hundred little ways every day#so i was confused and miserable all the time AND was struggling academically bc i had undiagnosed adhd#(or possibly just trauma?? i honestly neither know nor care which came first at this point)#so my mom pulled me and my brother out. him at 11 and me at 6 and said ''i'll just do it myself'' and#raised us in a way that wasn't religious but resembled evangelical or lds stuff#i couldn't watch commercial tv or listen to popular music bc my parents didn't want me exposed to what they considered inappropriate#and while i still had extracurriculars i was always the odd one out bc i had no exposure to pop culture or normal socialization#for my age group#it resulted in me always feeling alone and like i didn't belong. and since most of my social life was my parents and their friends#that was the perfect soup for adultification#i was fine with adults. put me with my peers and i was a mess#it made the transition to high school incredibly difficult but i DID make it#but that was only 4 years still in an institution. everything began to unravel once i tried to move into anything resembling ''real life''#and then my dad's suicide which was a major trauma in early adulthood which only made my mom's grip on us tighten#i did get to START life until 26. not really. and it's just been a game of catch up for the last 5 years#and im so *angry* at the unfairness of it all. at the time and experience and milestones that were taken from me. at how i blamed myself#for it for so many years and the problems i developed because of it all. dissociation and substance abuse and suicidality#the fear that still has a death grip on me#the courage required to just exist#it's *exhausting*
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scarletcomet · 8 days
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scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die
#i know instagram doesn't represent ppls real lives#but that doesnt change the fact that i don't have many friends who care about me#and almost everyone my year is graduating and celebrating#i am so fucking lonely. i don't think any of my school friends miss me#24 days self-harm free but i might say fuck it and relapse tonight#why though? i guess i just need some way to express how im feeling inside. or maybe it's to punish myself or because im feeling worthless#it's been over a year now since i first reached out to professionals for help for this depressive episode#over a year and im still as lost as ever. i know im doing so much better than i was but i still feel so awful every single day#i feel like i still need to be doing a lot better before i can go back to school#i feel so stuck and hopeless. i know I've made so much progress but i don't feel as if ill be able to make anymore progress#i feel like I've hit a wall and ive tried everything#my therapist told me to just keep eating sleeping and getting movement in everyday and be patient#ive been going on walks every day for like 2 weeks now and i dont feel any difference#seeing my psychiatrist wednesday and im hoping she will have an idea of what to do#i hope it's not just slightly adjusting my meds or even just trying a different antidepressant (not many left i haven't tried)#i also worry that im not bad enough for more intensive treatments like ECT or ketamine#if she tells me that i just need more therapy or another group i might just fucking end it#idk like i kinda feel like im fine and there's nothing wrong with me but at the same time i always am feeling so fucking depressed#i have had so much improvement but honestly part of me wishes i was still actively suicidal#idk what to do
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persephoneflouwers · 14 days
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#hello everyone how are you?#I hope everything is doing alright! from my part I can say life is treating me well lately#and I feel very light and okay#I am here mainly to get things straight#I saw an anon going around some other blogs talking about me#saying I am an hater and I shouldn’t be writing larry fics#I think this is the same anon that I blocked some weeks ago#because they told me I should not use Harry for clout (????)#and I want to say only one thing because I don’t care of defending myself on this website anymore and that is#it’s not clout and it’s not easy#being a (new) writer here is not easy because people don’t care what you do and there is definitely not clout around me#im not using harry to gain anything#if anything I am constantly questioning whether I am somehow good at writing silly stories and putting myself out there for people’s judg#*judgement. and I promise you it’s not always nice#especially when this place doesn’t like people who you don’t always agree with#especially when you are blocked by half of this side of fandom (larries because I had said something in the past that they didn’t like)#louies because im a larrie ergo I hate louis (???) and harries because i dont care about Harry as much as they do#so no I am not ashamed of writing and I am not ashamed of writing giving my characters#(that rarely have anything to do with H/L irl) thei#their names and physical features#and honestly people like you anon should definitely stop to play this stupid game of fandom police#deciding who can read what and who can write what#because this actions only affect new writers in the way that#they will be alienated. they will feel alienated#and this whatever this fandom is shouldn’t be about that#ever. you don’t know what people go through every fucking day#you definetely dont know how this sort of silencing mission you have going on#will affect people on the internet and their mental health#stop defending the imaginary people you think H/L are and start treating people in this fandom as actual human beings#and since you probably would like to know this: I am not currently working on any project because i am fucking scared of reaction like this
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borderlinegerard · 1 month
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its always morally correct to wish death on your ex
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autistic-katara · 2 months
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when i’m in an explaining something u don’t understand to someone who’s directly experienced it contest and my opponent is the mother of a trans guy
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sunsoak · 1 year
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Everyone’s all “nonbinary is included in every sexuality” until a nonbinary person who is on hormones prefers men who like men and women who like women and all of a sudden I’m being problematic and offensive to…….. well everyone I guess
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headofthedemonn · 4 months
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It's very seldom my heart agrees with my mind but I know he's not coming back.
#captain's log#I've never once felt desirable he told me so many times how beautiful i was he asked me why did i hate myself#and who hurt me so much he made me feel seen because he told me everything they did to me wasn't my fault he said stop calling yourself ugly#please don't hurt yourself anymore okay? im here for you I'd never leave you like they did okay? never I'm not like them i promise#i love you. but none of it was true finding out the truth made me hate myself even more how stupid could i have been to think someone#love me i wanted to believe it so bad no one has ever said that to me so of course i wanted to hold on with an iron fist but everything#but i was just a game to him he didn't care about me i honestly think he hated me to my core#i don't think i have a chance at finding love but that's all i want i could easily fall in love with a boy or girl or whatever but someone#lied about loving me and caring about me so am i doomed to chase things i don't really want money? status? success?#sure money is needed to survive the world but why can't i have what my grandparents had or other people have had love and it lasts still#i just wanted to feel it in my heart so much i was willing to do anything but i was so fucking stupid i should have known better#i thought it was real i didn't think he was being dishonest because i was telling the truth the whole time so i expected him to do the same#i don't think i have a chance but if i do idk i don't think i can survive getting hurt again#i just want something real and someone real but that's far too much to ask
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