What are your fave chaptered fics? I have a week off and want to spend it reading some good fics :)

ooo!! the ones that immediately jump to my mind are:

Tie That Binds (E, lashton)

Cards Are Dealt (E, lashton)

Tidal Wave (E, lashton)

London Boys (M, cake)

Hello, could I request Feitan with a reader who looks innocent and angelic usually but is actually just as sick and sadistic as he is? (Aka it's like a secondary persona kind of)

And she's also part of an organization(that kills people) without him knowing (she was part of it even before meeting him)

Ouuuu an interesting reader we have here~

Seeing as though all the feitan gifs are generic fighting ones I’ve put my own picture :) I think it’s hilarious 😂

enjoy your headcanons lovely anon! 💗

(fem! reader implied bc you used ‘she’ in your request but I won’t imply female body just in case)

Feitan getting with an angelic and innocent s/o is certainly an oxymoron

Your such a sweetheart, so thoughtful and kind

you always try to help and encourage others as much as you can

:)

But in reality no?? really your such a sick and twisted sadist who loves watching every moment of others suffering???

welp that went down the drain quickly

feitan might have picked up on the fact that it was all an act or your slightly sadistic tendencies

especially since he’s highly observant

Though I’m not sure how you revealed your in a organization or if you knew he was in the troupe but it probably went like

”your in a criminal organization? Oh…me too” 🧍‍♀️

“Wait what?” 🧍‍♀️

“so we’re both in criminal organizations of the sort?”

🧍‍♀️ 🧍‍♀️

well I guess its all out in the open now

as soon as he figures out your a sadist tho

its on

torture sessions become even more frequent seeing as though he now has someone to enjoy it with

he finds it rather fun to have someone laugh manically with him and not call him a loony 🤓

he’s grateful even

the victims really range from anyone off the street

to enemies from either of your organizations

maybe even someone who gave you a hard time

(they simply bumped into you, you apologized like the “sweet” person you are, but they had no idea what was coming for em that night)

(for fei, they probably mocked him)

you and feitan either have a dedicated torture room or have turned you basement/attic into one

and it definitely has a lock on it

feitan will recommend you some books and you likely do the same for him

(by some i mean you have a whole library shelf—who are you fooling 🤨)

you two make as much time for each other as you can

which yes torturing together counts as quality time

and y’all see it as a sense of normalcy too

wherever y’all stay you just be like

”hey wanna have a quick torture session then find something to eat for dinner?”

like it’s like going about normal daily activities for you two

it also feels good to have someone that gets you from the outside

like your both dangerous criminals,

that likely grew up in harsh conditions

(bc i mean come on mass murders have triggers/motivs they don’t just do things for no reason)

and now you have someone from outside your organization that gets you!

like, they even like torturing just like you!!

best s/o feitan could wish for

as time goes on you two would find out why you joined the organizations you did and if you genuinely enjoy it, just doing it for the money, etc

no matter the reasons or time, you accept each other :)

this also appeals more trustworthy to feitan!! Since your in one yourself, you can���t sell out feitan without selling out yourself!

😋

but…that could go downhill..

for example, your organization could be trying to target feitan/the troupe and is making you use him to get to them

As time goes on he shakes away the thought, it’s probably been years (when feitan’s down, he’s down for the count, he doesn’t do flings, in my hcs) since you’ve been together so he wants to trust you

basically the further things go in with you two, the more he trusts you

of course you have to make sure to give him reasons to trust you and don’t give him any reason not to

he’ll start getting suspicious of you even on the first slip up

(if it happens)

he has to protect the spider, there’s no way he can let it fall because of him

orrrr!!!

your organizations could meet! And form a alliance that may or may not be temporary/strictly business!!

it would be fun seeing all members together drinking and wrecking havoc!!

right?!

😊

LOL just imagine your all casually talking about such violent and socially unacceptable crimes 🤪

especially you and feitan

you guys are so silly

just a silly little group of friends :)

planning to commits fiendish acts together<3

honestly I like the last scenario the best

its so silly :P

I’m glad to see more feitan stans on my page!! thank you for requesting, hopefully you enjoyed!

💖

I saw a post about racist Jasper stans bitching bc they’re not able to enjoy shitty J*sper content bc of tags or whatever lol and someone said: “What is there even to enjoy?”. I had to laugh and I thought if you bc it’s so true. Most Jasper content isn’t even that enjoyable. It’s mostly the same boring white-supremacist garbage that I’ve seen before; even the jalice stuff is played out.

The only J*sper content I enjoy is content where he is worshipping Maria, thinking about Maria, talking about Maria, loving Maria, doing anything for Maria tbh. Is that bad? XD I owe it to you and your writing! idk something about a 19/20 year old dumbass confederate falling madly in love with a native brown woman and literally seeing her as a god-like figure as she’s basically handing him his karma for his racist crimes sends me. Ppl act like he was this awesome person before Maria and that it’s her fault he’s gutter trash now with the C*llens but he was gutter trash BEFORE he met Maria. She honestly made him so much better, stronger and MUCH more interesting. She literally created the man these stans thirst over so much. She is the blueprint.

the thing anti-María Jalice stans don't get is, without María, you do not have Jasper. for everything Jasper is, María is the catalyst ❤️

canonically, all we know about Jasper Hale pre-change is 1) he was born in Texas, 2) faked his age to join the Confederate Army* where he became the youngest major in Texas, & 3) was persuasive

beyond that, María made Jasper into the man the fandom adores. you like that he's an empath? guess whose venom made him one. you like that he's a warmonger? guess whose war he fought for. you like that he has a troubled past? guess who put the trouble in it. you like that he's "soft" "empath" "baby" (tbh i don't see it but ok)? guess who made him want to be that way. you like that he's submissive to Alice? guess who broke him in first.

you want Jasper with Alice but wish the María era didn't exist? lol just say you want the hot faceless Confederate to get with the psychic Mississippian & go

as for me, MARÍA ALL DAY BAYBEEEEE

here we have a woman who has suffered all her life at the hands of colonizers. born "1800s or earlier," we can suppose she has firsthand experience with colonization (at least Napoleon's invasion) & lived through Mexico's War of Independence. i.e., she has a deep familiarity with what it means to have your way of life ripped from you by invaders. PLUS she was a victim of Benito's army in the Southern Vampire Wars; her entire coven including her mate was killed.

& despite her losses, she rallied to take back her land & drive out her oppressors. baseline, she is a strong, cunning, powerful indigenous woman with a deep love for her community and her people. HOT

now let's look at Jasper, a bright leader in the Civil War who suffered defeat at the hands of the Union army. yes, María changed him. but did she force him to stay? to go to war? the newborn vamp with the strength & speed to overcome a "grown" vamp chose not to do so. the empath with the power to make anyone disregard him chose not to use it. some say María was "abusive" & "manipulative," but few acknowledge that Jasper had a choice.

why didn't Jasper leave? because he's submissive to anyone more powerful than him. because he was a loser. because the Southern Vampire Wars gave him a second chance at victory. because "empath" or no, he wanted to play war & win.

that's what's compelling about Jasper/María. as wrong as Jasper was for fighting for the Confederacy, he believed he was fighting for the same thing as she. he saw his way of life destroyed by "invaders" & fought back. it's a sick & twisted parallel between oppressor & oppressed that becomes subverted as their relationship goes on... & one that can heal them both.

María's experience with colonizers gives her a visceral picture of what it means to be oppressed... but her relationship with Jasper gives her the victory & emotional reflection she needs to move on. Jasper's military training gives him the hunger & knowledge for war... but his "curse" of empathy provides him with the tools he needs to recognize & address the horrors of his problematic past & move on.

tbh, i find Jasper & María are perfectly suited for a delicious character-driven narrative. Maria's story is that of a traumatized indigenous woman on a path from colonization to decolonization, & the sacrifices & destruction she endures realize that vision. Jasper's story is that of a troubled man on the path from self-hate to self-love, & what it means to undo the societal teachings/traumas & forge a life of empathy & forgiveness.

& that is something Alice alone can never give Jasper.

tl;dr all hail Queen María

"Vanitas": The Name and Legacy

Vanitas declares early on that his motive for using the Book of Vanitas to save vampires of the Red Moon is to take "revenge against the Vampire of the Blue Moon". But some of his actions, reactions and expressions seem to contradict a conventional interpretation of "revenge". Seeing how MochiJun is a master of conveying things through facial expressions, nondescript panels, and double meanings, here's my stab at trying to figure out a bit of Vanitas' complexity and his (??hidden??) motives.

⚠️⚠️⚠️ MANGA SPOILERS, obv ⚠️⚠️⚠️

Also this analysis is really long. ‼Continuation in reblogs.‼

For the sake of minimizing confusion I'm going to refer to our!Vanitas as "Vani", Vampire of the Blue Moon (VotBM) as "Luna", and the name "Vanitas"/"Vanitas of the Blue Moon" as a title in this analysis.

0. "Revenge" against the VotBM

Now, what kicked me into this train of thought initially was watching the scene where Vani announces his revenge plot to all during the Bal Masque. Ofc Bones is doing quite a good job with the anime (I can honestly forgive them for leaving out some scenes knowing budget constraints and that this was probably produced during COVID; it's just more reason to get viewers to read the manga) but there are still some subtle nuances that MochiJun puts in her work that don't get translated into the adaptation. So I revisited Memoire 7 and something just didn't sit right upon looking at that scene retrospectively – which I'll get to that in a bit – but first let me recap what is my interpretation of Vani's proclamation:

The origin story we were told at the start of the series illustrates that vampires are typically born under the Red Moon, except for the one born under the Blue Moon. VotBM, given the moniker "Vanitas of the Blue Moon" by others at the time, is said to have created the Book of Vanitas capable of manipulating the World Formulas in order to curse all the RM vampires that casted them out of vampire society. Cursing the RM vampires = turning them into curse-bearers inflicted with malnomen.

Vani's "revenge" against the VotBM is to use their name "Vanitas" and the Book to cure all RM vampires of their curses and malnomen. In that sense, Vani saving the vampires is directly opposing the vow to curse all RM vampires as told in the VotBM origin story.

Vani's revenge claim seems pretty straight forward. There is nothing of the sort as to claiming he will turn the vampires into humans, or rewrite their existence into something they are not, etc. It is literally just "I will heal you from your sickness out of spite towards the thing that wants you to suffer". His feral revenge proclamation on top of the chandelier lines up with his feral "I will save you no matter what, using whatever method I choose" at the end of Memoire 1 as Noé points out:

So here's the thing that felt a little out of place upon my rereading of Memoire 7:

This panel. Idk about you but as a long time reader of Pandora Hearts, imo one thing that makes MochiJun such a talented artist and great storyteller of plot twists and angst is how she depicts emotions in facial expressions – it is very subtle with a certain finesse. With the above panel, Vani's expression doesn't necessarily look like "anger" or "vengeance" to me. Rather (and it took me a while to place it actually, flipping back and forth between newer and older chapters) his expression looks... melancholic? Melancholy with sense of conviction.

It's noteworthy that MochiJun has made an intentional choice to emphasize Vani gripping his closed fist and his distant stare here, so it has to be important. So, what could Vani be thinking of in this moment? And why?

I. Vani's hidden expressions and feelings towards Luna

To (attempt to) figure out what might be going through Vani's mind in this moment, let's take a look at some moments we've seen Vani making different expressions and when he's thinking back to the VotBM – or really, his time with Luna. Vani claims he hates vampires, but there are obvious exceptions (Jeanne, Noé). What's interesting though is that, despite claiming to hate the VotBM, I don't think he hates Luna. He may hate the being that Luna is but I don't think he hates Luna as a person.

We can see the difference between his hatred and active desire to kill Moreau, as well as his completely blank, no-remorse kinda expression toward the Chasseur's cross in the Catacombes arc vs the above panel after his revenge proclamation:

Also contrast the above chandelier expression to Vani's empty look of distain in Dante's flashback when they first meet:

I would say none of these Vani expressions look very similar to the chandelier one — the empty or blank stares are missing a sense of resolve and the teeth-gritting smirk lacks any bit of sadness felt in the scene. Now, when do we ever see Vani make another expression of what I would call melancholy?

Ughghgh these panels break my heart every time bc there is such a sense of sadness, it's distant but palpable and it is t r a g i c... but I digress.

We have no way of knowing what Vani is thinking in these panels but I have a few ideas:

Vani thinks back to something Luna said about how one should use the Book of Vanitas when Noé says using the Book's power to cure curse-bearers is "overwhelmingly right". What Luna said? Who knows, but it may be along the same lines of "despite its power" and "doing the right thing".

Vani realizes the reason Misha wants Noé to drink his blood is bc Misha doesn't remember what happened That Day. He repeats "... I see." twice as if he's reaffirming to himself that he's the only one left that remembers what happened. If Misha did remember, there would be another person to share the memory but Misha doesn't and Vani is alone in the world in that sense.

If we are to assume that this is what's going through Vani's mind in these moments, then we have to ask why? Vani thinking back to his time with Misha and Luna elicits this sadness (possibly likely?) bc Vani did truly enjoy his time with them and didn't actually hate Luna. In his own flashbacks of Luna teaching he and Misha about malnomen (first being Malnomen Prèdateur in the Catacombes arc, second of Chloé's Malnomen Millie) and the flashback of "love" during the Gevaudan Arc, we see that Vani may be grumpy or indifferent while being with Luna, but he is still attentively listening and comfortable enough around them for them to hug him:

Ofc, we can't forget that Vani, in his fever and poison-induced delirium, even mumbles to himself ".. didn't actually hate... I didn't... Lou..—" while recovering in the cabin with Jeanne. Given that just before this he asks "Is that what you really want? Truly?" in response to Jeanne saying "This time for sure, I'll kill the beast", perhaps we can even posit that Vani didn't actually hate Luna and didn't actually want to kill them? (I have another theory on what could have happened on That Day but let's get through this one first *wheeze*).

So let's summarize:

Vani claims he will cure RM vampires of their malnomen as revenge toward the VotBM, who is said to have created the Book of Vanitas to curse RM vampires that made them an outcast.

Curing RM vampires of malnomen = revenge since it is directly opposing using the Book to inflict curses

But Vani shows a look of sadness mixed with conviction that contradicts what would be thought of when claiming "revenge", which could possibly be him thinking back to his time with Luna, whom he did not actually hate and possibly did not want to kill but had to anyway.

So here's my theory: the reason why Vani has assumed the name "Vanitas" and is on a quest to cure RM vampires of their malnomen with the Book of Vanitas is to "rewrite" the reputation behind the name Vanitas of the Blue Moon.

... And I will continue explaining this in the reblogs ⤵️⤵️⤵️ bc holy fuck this meta is so long I have reached the image limit per post asjfklgs

TUX for the fanfic ask

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

Not really?

tho actually now I'm looking at @fuckerao3's answer about aged-down characters & you know what? I agree. Unless it's really well written and there's plot reason for it (like it's a 200k epic How Harry Met Sally type romance spanning decades), then I don't read [character] in college fics. Ew. Children.

Why would you turn a beautiful silver fox into a slimy fetal child? and then do sex to them? Ew.

Also love triangles. There are some beautifully written Barba x Reader x Sonny fics out there, but they are ruined by the Sonny x Reader part. LOOK, I LIKE THE CHARACTER THAT I LIKE, I DON'T NEED TO READ ABOUT ME BANGING SOME INTERLOPER >_>

tho it's not like I "can't stand" it like they're bad? I just... won't read them.

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

ahhh, this is hard! But @tropes-and-tales, always. She's just... a really good writer, OK? The flow of words, the rich, detailed way she describes things and builds up the world. The plots that are custom-designed to tear my beating heart out through my lungs and then shove it back in, battered and bruised, by the end of the fic. HOW DO YOU HAVE A HAPPY ENDING BUT I'M STILL CRYING?????

@damnit-samnit because... god. I saw that 200k+ fic on AO3 and thought, "No way, I do not have the attention span." Then I opened it anyway because it was super popular so why not give it a try? I can just read the first few chapters then qui--- *BINGE READS*

I honestly have never found a fic so addictive, and so well written! (And yes, it was so distracting I was reading in the cloud forests of Costa Rica, getting myself sick on busses jostling over twisting muddy roads XD)

aannnd @barbingchilton bc he is my son and has improved so much in a short time and I look forward to seeing him grow as a writer! You are so brave with these darker fics and just... the inspiring levels of horny 

X: A character you enjoy making suffer.

NONE OF THEM, COMFORT ONLY

Battle Ground Thoughts

Major spoilers below.

The Good

I really enjoyed the last part of the fight with Ethniu. Hendrick's sacrifice was well done, and the Marcone reveal was fantastic. The action was really great, although it did get too much at times, especially the beginning of the fight with Ethniu where it’s more like reading a shonen manga, lots of huge ‘final’ attacks and mist clearing as they wait for the blood spray before someone pulls a trap card. Still pretty likeable.

Marcone as a Knight of the Blackened Denarius is intriguing. My one caveat is that I think it diminishes his post-Small Favor achievements quite a bit, knowing he had access to all that power. It makes sense, especially considering just how much Marcone was able to get done, but yeah, I liked this little twist. Marcone is probably the main reason I would keep reading the books, as things stand.

I like the fact Harry's finally been kicked off the White Council, as he should be. I'm not sure why this is controversial, though. He’s clearly broken several laws, and tbh I was kind of surprised they kept him on after becoming the Winter Knight, like... conflicted interests, much?

Drakul and the Blampires were cool. Wouldn't mind seeing them again.

The Bad

Justine's reveal, while interesting bc omg Outsiders infesting the characters we love, it also absolutely terrifies me in terms of what it actually means for Thomas/Justine both in the future and in the past. A future that might not even happen, now. And considering how long it's been since she was infected, it's entirely possible a lot of Justine's feelings have been manufactured as well. One of the things at the top of my Do Not Want list was Justine or the baby getting hurt, and now we’re here.

I'm severely disinterested in Harry/Lara. I have no idea where it's going, but it's boring at best. Maybe Jim Butcher has an idea for it that doesn’t result in me rolling my eyes, but I’m not feeling charitable today.

Ivy and Harry never got a proper conversation. Also why tf was Ivy dressed in a school uniform for that fight? Unless she's a sailor senshi or something, it just doesn't make sense. Plus she should be in her mid-late teens by now, ffs, not her early teens.

We're still drawing out the Starborn mystery? Ugh, ok.

Michael's cursing out the White Council for kicking Harry off the team... Completely OOC, sorry, I hated it. Michael is a great character because he doesn't swear as a matter of principle. If he had to start swearing, that was a bad hill to choose.

The way the morality of the White Council flip flops depending on Dresden's mood is getting annoying. At the meeting at the end, he says the Council is the biggest defender of humanity, and that he's clearly sitting at the monsters' table, but they're also supposed to be the enemy for treating him as such? Ebenezar and some of the Seniors are douchebags, for sure - especially Eb as it's personal - but Carlos and the rest are solid good guys trying to do their best. After everything that's happened, Harry shouldn't be so freaking bitter. He’s a monster now. Either own it, or make different choices. Also Carlos should’ve told him what Molly did to him. I hate that this hasn’t been addressed and that Carlos just looks like a suspicious bastard when he’s actually sustained life-changing injuries and trauma. Communication generally between Harry and the White Council needs to start happening like yesterday.

Butters needs to just go away, please. Give me a break from this shithead. He's had a few months of training and can keep up with literally everyone. He gets all these Crowning Moments of Awesome, but he never suffers for it, and at this point I'm genuinely wondering whether he'll ever suffer any consequences whatsoever. Also he constantly outshines Sanya, who is ostensibly better qualified, and the Sword of Hope should have been the stronger of the two in that last fight. I’m sick of hearing how great Butters is, and being expected to laugh at all his dumb, nerdy references.

Harry barely thinks about Thomas when he considers his recent losses. Sure Thomas is still alive, but barely, with no guarantees he'll survive or that he'll come back the same person. Harry should be grieving for him as much as he's grieving for Karrin at this point. I also wanted there to be more reason behind Thomas's actions, some sort of conspiracy within the White Court, but there wasn't. It's bad enough being anxious for Thomas, but being anxious for his whole goddamn family is just way too much, ffs.

The Ugly

I mean, I've told people: if I'd tried to imagine a worst case scenario for Karrin Murphy's death, it would have been better than the ending we got. It's worse than James Norrington dying at the hands of Bootstrap Bill. It's worse than Superman's dad dying while trying to save the dog. She shouldn't have died at all, period, but if she absolutely had to go, there is no fucking way in HELL that that was the best way for it to happen. Whether she comes back or not, there is no way to justify that scene. Gard saying she saved everyone by defending Dresden might be a satisfying Watsonian explanation for some, but of all the times, of all the places, of all the ways, and of all the people... JB picked the absolute worst possible combination. Absolute. Garbage. It's not that he can't write decent sacrifices. Hendrick's death was superb! So why the FUCK couldn't Murph get the same treatment? Why the FUCK was she killed off so FUCKING pointlessly? This isn't a real life story. This isn't some hyperrealistic, anyone can die, Game of Thrones type bullshit, where you can just kill off the second main character as shock value and have it be valuable to a bigger theme. This is the Dresden Files, a fucking series where all the women are Playboy models, and there's a middle-aged dweeby guy in sports goggles riding a skateboard and wielding a lightsaber and facing off with a Titan after just a few months of training, and having threesomes with bisexual women half his age, one of whom wears a fucking Avengers t-shirt to bed. It's a fanservice show. So it is not too much to ask for the main female character to be given the kind of death she actually deserves, let alone that she be allowed to live long enough to enjoy a relationship that's been so fantastically built up over 15+ books. (Query: was any of her family at her funeral? Audiobooks make searching hard, and I can’t find out if that was mentioned.) It's not unfair to hate the FUCK out of JB for pulling such a horrible, awful, LAZY move. I didn’t cry when it happened. I actually laughed quite a bit, maniacally, because it was that much of a train wreck. I'm not crying now, either. I'm just so, so tired. RIP Murph.

Granted, I haven't had to wait for a Dresden Files book like this before. Skin Game had a very neat ending, whereas this asks way, way, way more questions than it answers, which is probably more par for the course in this series? But now my two favourite characters are out of the field and may never come back, and I'm just so fucking tired and disappointed, and tired of being disappointed. I don't know whether it's worth staying invested in the vague hope Jim Butcher will start giving a shit about anyone other than Butters, but I can't see the next book being much good when Thomas and Karrin won't be there. When Karrin may never be there again. When I don't even know if the next book will show up, or if there'll be another hiatus resulting in a mediocre story.

I'm predicting that there'll be a Murph-centric short story in the near future that'll probably be a "gotcha!" to all the fans like me who fucking hate how BG turned out. Either it'll finish her off entirely or hint at a resurrection, which may or may not come. Either way, it won't justify her death. It won't make this better.

If I wasn’t as invested in Karrin, I’d like this book more. I can understand if people like it, and there are definitely some good things about it, but it’s hard to appreciate those bits when there’s such a massive pile of stinking shit sitting smack bang in the middle.

I am ready for cherry pie.

I was trying to write this in my journal, but sometimes the feelings want to come out faster than my little hand can scribble so I came here to frantically type it all out. 

I asked God to walk deeper into the Garden of Life. Earlier this summer, I knew I had found Heaven, I felt myself forgiven, I felt everyone forgiven, I felt us all to be love. But what I thought was living in Heaven was actually just the entrance, and I comfortably pulled up a chair to gaze lovingly at its doors lol, and I realized I could actually walk within.  But I was afraid. I asked God for the courage and the clarity to walk deeper into the joy of life. And I heard her joy calling me, a song just for me.  I heard her calling me to music, to sit at my piano keys and play. I heard her calling me through day dreams of traveling in a camper van of my own, of watcher her Holy sunrises at different oceans, to gaze at her freckle stars in the night, in deserts I had never crossed before. I heard her call upon the wind of peace, of sleep. I saw her show how gentle life truly was, how it was willing and wanting to caress me, to be caressed.  BUT I still felt fear, and even worse a strange itch overcame me to purposely look for terrible things, things I don’t even want to look at on a regular basis. Wanting to purposely look at murders, at violence, at suffering. And I didn’t understand why. I knew better than to succumb to the itch to seek these things out, I knew it wouldn’t give me wisdom and I felt something strange about the itch. After a really good tarot reading from my sister, she helped me clarify that weird itch to find things horrific.  Joy requires vulnerability, she said. And it is difficult to be vulnerable when you lack trust in life, down to a bone psychological level.  She helped remind me of how when I broke my arm in the summer before third grade, it was a traumatic experience for me that changed the psychology of me forever. I didn’t know this until this week, but apparently because I was a child, they couldn’t give me anesthesia and the two options for my very large break in my arm, was either preform surgery on me while I was very much lucid and awake or rearrange my bones back into place blindly so they wouldn’t have to make a cut on me. Somehow, the best bone doctor in Texas at the time just so happened to be at the hospital in El Paso and he chose to blindly rearrange my bones back into place. and he told my mom and my dad to watch the pain I was about to go through because it would change me forever. My sister stayed too because she is brave and loving and wanted to be there for me, even though she too was just a child. They always tell me about how traumatic it was for them to see me screaming in pain as he was rearranging my broken bones, and I remember just searing pain lmao I just remember it being hours of pain, as they made me twist my arms for X-Rays, and when they kept twisting my arm to put my bones back into place. Truly painful lmao  BUT point of the story is, I used to be a very active child before that, I was always running, playing music, I was always smiling and happily in my garden, I was a straight-A student in GT. And after that I wasn’t, and all the details to me don’t matter any more. (EVEN THO, I felt a little upset that my mom remembered how the doctor told her that I would be changed forever and my parents STILL screamed at me for hours when I stopped getting straight A’s, and couldn’t focus anymore. if the doctor told you I was changed forever, how come you still screamed at me for hours because I got a C? how come you literally told me: When you broke your arm, something got damaged in your brain, you must have hit your head and scrambled something, so try really hard to think what happened and change it, just change it. Go back to how you were. IDK I FEEL LIKE THAT KINDA CONTRIBUTED TO ME CUTTING AND HITTING MYSELF OUT OF FRUSTRATION, WOULDN’T YOU THINK? Like my sister summarized it the best, which was that they were holding me accountable, a child, for understanding the trauma I went through and working through it just so I could get the grades they wanted me to get. -___- BUT WHATEVER I AM LEARNING TO FORGIVE THEM FOR WHAT THEY COULDN”T UNDERSTAND THEN.) The beautiful thing I rather focus on, is after reminding me of this, my mom and my sister both cried and hugged me for a good solid ten minutes and kissed me, and told me that I don’t have to feel afraid anymore, that life isn’t what I feared it to be anymore, and that I am free and can be vulnerable to joy, and that is truly what I rather focus on than the past parents that didn’t know how to cope with what I had gone through.  My sister also reminded me of how I conveniently forgot how earlier this year I went to see a physical therapist finally for my knee which hurt me a lot and made me feel like I couldn't go hiking or any of the adventurous things I wanted to do bc it hurt too much and he straight up told me that it was all PSYCHOLOGICAL. Which was super wild for me to hear, because I think he’s right! lmao.  It reminds me of when I was a child, and I used to run out in my little garden in the sun all the time, and how sometimes I was suddenly forced to stop because I couldn’t move without feeling a lot of pain, and I would look down at my feet and I saw how all those thorned stickers were on my laces, my socks, my shoes and it hurt too much to move so I was just stuck. (Which makes me feel happy about that dream I once had where a large field beckoned me and I began running in its vastness barefoot, and I remember looking down and seeing a bunch of those thorned stickers and somehow missing every single one, and feeling so free.)  Anyhow, I resolved to allow myself to be vulnerable to go into joy, and that even with this psychological, bone deep memory of trauma happening when I move.  The day before yesterday, my sister made it aware to me that our betta Artemis has fin rot (mild) and I felt so in pain because of it. One thing I could never stand was seeing the people (or animals) I love in pain, and I’ve never acted on this impulse, but the first impulse I have when my sister tells me about a traumatic experience she’s had or I see my animals hurt is to say “NO! That’s NOT how you feel, this isn’t real.” BUt it’s so irrational to me, to say this, that I never act on it but I do have to convince myself by becoming more objective to handle the pain of seeing them in pain.  But I guess I have allowed myself to feel more vulnerable and more sensitive to life (I used to allow myself to be sensitive when I was a toddler but I was just so overwhelmed and my parents would yell at you if you cried so I just capped it.) But I’m letting myself be sensitive, so I did feel angry at my sister initially for telling me that Artemis had fin rot, and I felt very upset, but I let it be there and we researched how to heal it and took immediate action the next day and even though my sister was sensitive about it, and I was sensitive about it, we did a great job at getting everything we needed, staying calm and supportive of one another, and it just always surprises me how much me and my sister haven’t adopted the way my mom and dad do things which is screaming, and panicked and violent. (Well, we worked ourselves out of it through love and patience.)  But as we were driving to the pet store for the second time to get something else to help us out with Artemis’s tank, I told my sister about how allowing myself to feel the pain I felt at Artemis being sick, when I got home from the pet store this morning and went to say hello to my pug before getting started with my sister on deep cleaning his tank and getting salt in it to sterilize the wounds, I felt a much deeper and softer joy at hugging Qipsi and holding her in my arms and I realized that joy came from allowing myself to feel the pain of Artemis. That when I let myself feel the pain, it also let me feel the pull, the desire to tend to his tank, his little body and soul, his water much more diligently and the joy that arose in that, and it let me feel the pull and desire to tend to Qipsi more tenderly, and tend to myself more tenderly. And so pain, allowing the suffering allowed joy as well.  My sister told me about how she read or saw that when you allow yourself to feel the pain, you allow yourself to feel the pathway to the healing of it.  And that just shook me because I never looked at it like that. I always thought pain was useless, or was just to burn your ego, or just frustrating, but I see now how it led to more joy, it led to truer joy. How it led to truthful joy, and I never let it show me the healing. I was so afraid of pain, I never let it show me how to heal, I just hated how I was hurt to begin with. But if I could just focus my attention and the pathway to healing, and to feel the healing, the joy of it.  AND SO, here I stand, on the precipice of fate, on the road I am asking to help guide me to the purpose of my life, the highest good of my life, and I feel I understand what joy and pain truly are.  I asked God to lead me deeper into the garden of life, so that I may understand what I am here to provide, what of my highest good can I give back, and I was given clarity and courage. Clarity to understand the truth behind pain, the way it shines a path to the healing of you and me, to the healing of body and soul and courage to face the vulnerability that joy requires, that pain requires to open you to deeper joy, and so it goes.  I want to play and create and enjoy this sandbox of life. 

And I want cherry pie. 

25, 23, 29, and 30 because i hate (love) you and want you to suffer 💖💖💖💕

EYYYY I’m finally getting around to finishing these lmao. (also I just noticed u changed ur profile picture???? I’m iN LOVE ❤️✨❤️)

WARNING this is super mega long!

I ended up writing a lot of these for all of my paras bc I can’t fucking stop myself n you’ve honestly heard enough of my mains and not enough of my others so I Had to I’m so sorry

this entire post ended up being such a mess and I’ve been working on it for weeks I’m so fucking sorry

send me emoji asks!

🏈 Does your para enjoy playing sport?

Zazie does actually enjoy playing sports quite a bit, just.. alone. He’s not a team player, and often doesn’t know his own strength, so it’s better to let him do things on his own. He used to do a lot of running & parkour, but nowadays he mostly just works out on his own. He still does gymnastics tho. Tatsu very much loves playing sports, be it soccer, football, whatever, he’s in. He likes team sports, but he’ll still go work out alone most of the time. With Nyru it’s a bit more complicated, bc on one hand she has to be in top form for her concerts, but on the other, she really hates sports and just moving in general. Usually Zazie motivates her n they end up working out together, but otherwise, she doesn’t like playing any sports. Nyro plays a lot of chess, that counts right? Otherwise, he & Nyra really don’t like sports either. Meg & Ao tho work out a ton and always look incredible, and especially Meg enjoys playing sports, even if she’s not the best. She’s also quite strong tho, so that’s nice. I think Rin would be into sports as well, he’s all about a healthy balance in his life. He spends so much time painting, that I feel like he’d take some time for physical activities as well. Daiki is a fucking nerd and hates sports as much as Nyru, a subject they like to rant about a lot. Suki probably isn’t into sports either, like at all. Ami.. yeah actually. She spends a lot of time with the more active in the group, especially her brother, so she’d be into team sports as well.

🌼 Describe the aesthetic of your para (can include visual)

OKAY u already know how much trouble I’m having with this one but. My first plan was to actually write them down, like, all those posts u always see, but I only really liked the one I wrote for Zazie, all the others I disliked. Now I’m going back to wanting to make boards, and I think that’d be really cool, but I just do not have the energy to make all of those first, so I’m putting this on my to do list and hopefully I’ll actually do that at some point lmao. Now I can finally post this beast. ✨

✍ Write headcanons/imagine about your para(s)

OKAY so uhh. With any other person I would just take some more points from my hella long list of fun facts about Zazie, but you know literally all of them. I think?? Yeah literally every single one of these I’ve told you about. So. Huh. What do I do now. We’re at a point where I can’t tell you shit about Zazie & Nyru bc you literally know everything. So let’s see if I can come up with some other facts about Tatsu on the spot bc he needs more love.

despite the fact that he’s been appearing a lot less in my daydreams, my heart still goes ❤️🚨❤️🚨❤️ when I think about Tatsu. 

i mean COME ON he’s amazing and he needs to come back I miss him!!!!!! I just feel like he’s been.. sorta withdrawn and depressed since he’s no longer with Nyra. That happened a while ago tho, idk maybe he’ll finally come back soon.

not sure if I ever told u this?? but he also doesn’t have a gag reflex. like at all. zero (0). 👀 for some reason he likes to bring this up in the most random moments too.

he’s actually fluent in 4 languages, at some point Zazie dragged him down the rabbit hole and they learned a bunch of languages together. these are English, Spanish, Japanese & German.

he has an incredible voice as well, obviously. it’s relatively high, but has this.. hmm I guess seductiveness about it? not sure how to explain it lmao. apart from Jay Kay & Brendon Urie, this song here is very close.

he can hit ridiculously high notes, on the same level as Nyru actually.

I told u this before, but his theme song is hey look ma, I made it due to how fucking perfect it is for him. he was very close with his birth mother, but she died shortly after his sister’s birth. his step mother was very abusive & made their life a living hell, and now, many years after they’ve gotten out of that situation, he still wishes he could show his real mother what has become of them.

he really didn’t deserve all of the bad shit that has happened him. sadly, he’s kind of a sheep, he just follows along with whatever’s happening. he’s not a bad person at all, he truly has a heart of gold, he just doesn’t have the strength to actually fight against anything. not really.

so in situations where he has to do bad things bc Zazie basically tells him to, he’ll do it, matter how much he hates it. man writing that out is actually heartbreaking damn.

he has a lot of regrets in his life, but the biggest one is probably his relationship with Nyra. he really did love her (still does tbh but don’t tell anyone), it’s just that he really fucked that up. and I don’t think he’ll ever be able to have a normal, healthy monogamous relationship the way Nyra wanted. so that’s heartbreaking as well. why did this turn into me talking about how fucking sad I am about Tatsu lmao ok we done here

🎙 Write a poem/song/or a story with song verses about your para or parascom

nshjfbkjdsbfkjds u know I hate poetry & I’m way too insecure about my writing so we’ll just uh… write down a fitting song verse for each of of my paras.

Zazie

I ain’t niceNo I’m quite a dickI’m the bad guy who’s makin’ you sickIt’s easy for meI’ve got no shameI’m in it for the money and fame

Nyru

But I got a mind to show my strengthAnd I got a right to speak my mindAnd I’m gonna pay for thisThey’re gonna burn me at the stakeBut I got a fire in my veinsI wasn’t made to fall in line

Tatsu

So I don’t feel loveBecause I got no faithI’ve seen those twisted lies thrown back into my faceI’ve heard the crazy doctrines of the human raceI must be alone

Daiki

Got an eagle beak with the ostrich feetSeven spider eyes for every day of the weekMeans I’m still up working while your bitch ass sleepsI’m an alien among the human beings

Nyra

Picture, picture, smile for the picturePose with your brother, won’t you be a good sister?Everyone thinks that we’re perfectPlease don’t let them look through the curtains

Nyro

Triangles are my favourite shapeThree points where two lines meetToe to toe, back to back, let’s goMy love, it’s very late‘Til morning comesLet’s tessellate…

Megumi

I just keep elevating, no losses, just upgradingMy lessons, made blessings, I turned that into moneyThank God I never settled, this view is so much betterI’m chilling, I’m winning, like on another level

Ami

Well you think that you know what I am but you don’t‘Cause I say what you can’t and I do what you won’tI like it loud really proud like a crown upon my headI’ll always be this way ‘till the day that I’m dead

Ao

Somehow, you’ve remained modestFlashbulbs pop, paparazzi goes wildWith amazing grace you walk and smileThey answer to your beck and callYou’re flawless

Rin

Prove to yourselfThere’s nobody elseRaise up your handAnd leave no man standing

Suki

I see how your attention buildsIt’s like looking in a mirrorYour touch like a happy pillBut still all we do is fearWhat could possibly happen next?Can we focus on the love?

Time to write, time to vent.

I chat Bc I like to talk to people. I like finding a new person or friend (friends list) and then finding the common interests. Mixing shit up in a room and talking it out. Doesn’t have to be anything with substance, though most of the time it can/does. This chat shit has been hidden for so many years. It’s my place to go to be whatever I wanna be. Usually, I like to get laugh out of people. Makes me feel good that I can get someone to laugh. What if that was the only time they had a smile Bc they laughed? I see that as doing something good for the day. I’ve found some that suffer from chronic pain issues just like myself. These people, we’ve connected in the pain way. If you’ve never suffered from pain then idk if u could ever understand. These people have and do everyday. They are usually easy to talk too, usually. I have a few friends that I’ve found there. They’re good, fun, sarcastic fucks that have normal shit going on just like everyone. I go there when I’m hurting; usually. Going in bored is a bad idea. I enjoy going to my fav rooms and seeing what’s going on. Seeing who is on. I have my own room that I sit in and play music. I’ll post fucking sarcastic memes, gifs, funny shit to get a laugh from someone; anyone really. I have found some that aren’t my friends. Shit happens and if you’re in one place for so long shit happens. People clash. Someone might come into your room and be fun as hell. Chat with you and everyone. Then someone comes in and they’ll vanish. Without cause. Without reason. Fucking Gone. Why? Bc they opened up to a person and now that person knows too much? Or Bc they have put shit on you that you either can’t or won’t accept.? Funny how someone can venture into the great unknown of such places and meet people that maybe did or didn’t intend on playing a part in what you do in a day. Not me, but some. Some take it pretty fucking far in my personal opinion. You can find people in this place and go into a room and the whole thing just grows. It’s pretty incredible to watch really. You can tell who has been there a while. They’re tarnished. Some bad enough they’ll never be the same. Some have went so dark their true self is almost gone. If you let it it’ll change you. It’ll fucking twist you all up. It’ll burn u so deep it stings forever; if you let the people inside those rooms fuck with you. Some have been on here playing the games of chatting with all of you’re friends but not you. Why not? That’s fucked up. It fucks with you. Some will say “they’ve been sick”. Some sure I’m sure where sick. But some, some are fucking lairs. Those you though were you close friends, they ghost you Bc another comes back from the darkness and they matter most. Not the fuck that you’ve spent days, weeks, and months with. These are expendable chat partners. These fucks think theyre inside the circle Bc they’ve spent time and time. Been told the circle is tight when really, it’s as loose as she is. Why? Bc the deepest darkest 1 and only comes back. The games runs deep. They leave scars. Why, Bc all u wanted to do was to find someone you could talk too. You cover your ass with others as they follow but really, some know. Some are smarter than they let on. Some are smart enough when to know the darkest luvs return. I’m not stupid. I know. Fuck you for not at least saying “hey, I’ve got business back in and I’ll be away for a week or two.” Nope, they just drop u. Then when they return they expect you to forgive and forget, move on. …. …. Just fuck’em and move on. Or can you? I’ve failed before. I’ve tossed some but only to reconnect with them. I don’t want to walk away Bc it’s fun being there. People are fun. Some days it’s the only laugh I’ll get is being there with some of those crazy fucks. Going there is something that I’ve always had to fall back on, people to talk too. I can’t isolate myself and I’m not going too. The pain is growing. The therapy is for sure more painful. I need a place to vent. To be me even when the pain is killing me within. 11222021

more ehh thoughts (recent edition):

w o w

can’t even speak my damn mind anymore in this house I guess without getting the whole, ‘get out then if you don’t like it here. look for a section 8 place and blah, blahhhh’ speech.

the signature speech of my parents when I get on their ‘last nerves’..

all just for speaking my mind. lovely

all bc I said something in regards to something political my dad was talking about. then saying black lives matter after bc it was also apart of the conversation

(which is my opinion)

that word doesn’t sit well in my parents ears.. my dad to be specific apparently.

he then started saying I should just look for somewhere else to go and that if I say that again, something will happen. (not anything violent on me,but make me leave to somewhere else type of happen )

guess my parents (specifically my dad) wants me dead if he wants me to go out and find somewhere else to go. it’s not like, idk, i have a fucking immunocompromised system or anything like that ya know?? also.... during a fucking pandemic as well ?? helllloooo, old man?? i just don’t know anymore sometimes with my parents

caught me off guard a bit and hurt really fucking bad.. like, wow. if that’s how you feel, then let me go which you won’t and won’t admit.

used to it though which is silly to say, but I can’t do anything much about it even if i tried. so, I must deal for now anyway I can.

we settled our differences though which, I’m glad, but I hate that I was the first one to do it. shows how it is in my family at times

-

at least my mom and few friends are on my side. ridiculous to be treated like this for having a fucking opinion.  

doesn’t help either to get teased about it. like I haven’t been most of my life already ya know, shit.

sick of this house sometimes. the people in it, I should say.. sigh

———

———

I feel like I’m not, as ‘feminine’ as a lady should be. adds to my existing body probsss

can’t put makeup on. can’t get my nails done. can’t use bath bombs. can’t use facial creams or certain acne products. can’t buy clothes I’d like to shape my body and whatnot.. it goes onnnn. I would like to do what a lady likes to feel/look her absolute best ya know.

I can’t though. trying?????which doesn’t really go anywhere much tbh

I have an unused makeup palette and lippies going to absolute waste in my drawer.

which, cost me gooood money bc gooood brand. treat myself.

to see it go to waste though,is heartbreaking...

I could be using it now during the pandemic,but I have no one to help me with it. I can’t do it myself with my fucked up arms/hands either so that’s a nope.

my mom won’t help me and I’ve asked. she has more important things to do than make me look like a little clowns spawn.

I have so many ideas and I can’t execute them as I’d like. never can and it hurts. maybe on a drawimg, but having it applied to your face is a much better experience. very relaxing as well,but to take off.. that’s a process

doesn’t help that I’m told I’d look better with it as well, which totally helps my self esteem ya know. "it suits your moon face and covers those acne bits.."

fucking hell.. like, let me be.

guess not though it seems :lllllll

-

I feel gross about my skin.. dry and flaky at times from my medication and bc my body is a lil ass. it’s fucking oily on occasions as well.. ughhh. a whole nightmare, in my opinion

small acne scars,pimples from an imbalanced body in miscellaneous spots and places where they shouldn’t be.. I hate it.

I cannot look at myself without wanting to scream sometimes. I just stare and flip through a plethora of thoughts until I’m sitting there watching myself cry

I can’t buy the right skin products without suffering a break out or some kind of allergic reaction either. that’s how ‘sensitive’ i am.. ughh and people think it’s sooo fucking easy to take care of your skin.

help me out then and do it for me instead of telling me when I’ve said why I couldn’t in the first place..

fucking shit

-

I use to do my nails and paint them different colors almost every other week or so when I was younger. that was when I could move them to a certain extent. now i just can’t much for that. maybe?but I don’t want to risk twisting my wrist again. which, oddly helped a bit, but I’m not risking it

can’t even paint my right hand without leaning into a terrible spine position bc of my curled in fingers. it’s "so easy" though.my big ass it is

so, I just leave them bare nowadays

I have chipped and or broken nails anyway from fidgeting and anxiety. so, that’ll get in the way when they’re colored

sigh

-

bath bombs are the most elegant form of hygienic self care. a bubbly concoction for your skin to dip in.. ughhhh. sounds so relaxing and funnn

can’t sit in a fucking tub though to enjoy it and I don’t have the walk in ones. just a plain walk in shower. every time I see someone post about them, I melt inside. so pretty with the glitter fragments and the colorsss...mm

how I wish I could endure a porcelain tub to soak and forget about the world for a moment.

I can dream, but that still hurts as well.

-

I used to wear slim fitting tops for my stomach bc I was one of the chubby ones ya know.

now, I want to use them more bc my body doesn’t look how I thought it would be at my age. due to medication and lack of movement, just made it worse and it’s not my fault. feels like it is though and I tried. still am and it’s been hard lately with the pandemic. massive buying spells again so, some healthy goods are not available.

apparently though it seems nowadays being ‘thicc’ is in when years before it was absolutely frowned upon.

I got teased for being ‘thicc’ and now I’m somewhat getting praised for it?? kinda weird circus did I buy tickets for? unless I didn’t??

like, what do y’all mean, now it’s in????? stop being such a rude wad of shit and quit playing with people like this.

I don’t know what to accept much anymore and it’s bothers me so damn much

even if you do get praised,you must meet the standards. with some that is, I should say. must be at least some sort of skinny. some sort of, shaped being that I don’t really want to explain bc I feel it’s obvious.

some disabled folks are almost never in this section and when so, seems very fetishized.

hopefully this paints a small picture or whatever size you prefer your canvas to be. I’ve already talked about my body and more like this just gets me upset

———

———

uggh why are people still making stupid party plans, going to crowded places and doing other irresponsible shit... during a fucking pandemic?? It’s literally s o fucking irritating.

these people do not grasp this it seems, but ooooooohhh. gotta go out and risk it for someone who doesn’t even care about my health,others and even themselves.

fucking dumb

-

funny to see them complain about being home and all bc of this. like, how do you think I’ve felt and countless other disabled folks like me? sucks h u h. no freedom to go anywhere for risk of a fucking accident or worse, d e a t h.

it’s easy as hell to stay home and keep yourself occupied but apparently it’s a big ass deal

read, write, draw, cook, c l e a n. go out in your, idk, backyard as your outside relief?? is it really that b a d of a need to go somewhere??

especially when eventually it’ll drain you and you’ll eventually go back h o m e anyway ??t’s ridiculous.

"you should be thankful you can even go out."

yeah, to appointments, groceries, and concerts o n l y.

I don’t have the fucking privilege to go out at my own leisure and when I do, I have to plan like a mf.

it’s not easy. can’t drive. van is always busting on us. parents are my only source of a ride. can’t even generally go out anywhere bc of stupid stairs and all that.

I swear. every time I see a friend, mutual or family put something like that.. irritates me. I wanna comment so bad,but I don’t want to start anymore drama.

maybe soon I will. who fucking knows

———

———

i miss shows and all, but I just don’t as much.

I’m paranoid to think of going to future ones now..

I’ve already missed a majority of concerts my whole childhood and teen years due to my disability.

I don’t want to miss out on my young adult life now that I’m somewhat in a ‘better state’ bc some of y’all don’t want to be cautious and follow rules.

shows are therapeutic for me, but idk anymore now if it’s makimg me like this

disabled folks like myself who enjoy these shows are in so much fucking danger, it’s ridiculous.

we already were anyways with moshing and all.. which I know some act like they don’t know.

y’all are so desperate to go like, what about the other fandom folks who can’t even attend these shows though?? sad

these lives performances some artists have been doing are perfect and we need to support them more with this format. encourage the fuck out of them like the do to us with their music and whatnot.

I was so fucking thankful DGD did one.

it was a great time, but not so great when everyone is like, but what about an ‘actual show’?

it’s just, never enough with some of the fans I swear. irritating

yeahhh ,lets risk the fuckin band/bands getting sick so they can play for us. yasssss. shows how much they read up on the members and care about their health/wellbeing.

———

———

being sober brings back a lot of suppressed memories. nights are bit hard when going through this

makes me remember quite a bit of conversations that others have probably or most likely have forgotten by now as well

irritating and sad. that’s how I get some of my dreams as well which cause lack of sleep at timessss y a y

———

———

I, over share too much at times it seems.. how the hell do people want to know me though????

if I’m making the situation, odd or whatever, fucking tell me instead of ignoring it and trying to move on with some stupid shit

if I can fucking sit through y’alls oversharing.. can with fucking mine

———

———

I hate how everything that’s so wholesome and genuine I see, I can barely even do and say..

I especially hate how I imagine it with someone who deserves better. this is wearing me out I swear to fucking god

I put some of my eggs in the wrong basket.. again

ohhh fucking boooyyy

least it’s a good basket..

———

sometimes I feel so uneducated when taking with friends. my mind is like a fucking mad libs book on new game plus.

it’s blanks out and replaces important vocabulary with some silly childish shit instead

Anon bc my sterek blog is a side blog but - those prompts, omg. They're all so good! Maybe start with #7?

7. Is that blood?” “No?” “That’s not a question you’re supposed to answer with another question.”

[I’m sorry, this wasn’t supposed to be sad but my brain works in a weird way]

-

Stilesknows many things, some useful other not so much, but what he doesn'tknow is how to properly use a hammer. Now, one might say if you don't know how to use a hammer, then don't try to use it, but Stiles is stubbornand – as his dad sometimes points out – a little stupid.

“Ah,shit.” Stiles yells, dropping the hammer on his desk. Great, nowhe has a scratch on his desk and a broken finger.

“Stiles,what is –” his dad shows up at the door, the burger he'ssupposed to be grilling for dinner in his hand, “fucking hell, isthat blood?”

Stilesbites at his lip to hold back another curse. Damn, it hurts. “No?”

Hisdad strides into the room, glaring between Stiles and the desk. “That's not a question you're supposed to answer with anotherquestion.” He sighs, inspects Stiles' hand. “Come on, I'll driveyou to the hospital.”

Stilessighs too. Yeah, maybe he's more than a littlestupid.

–

Melissadoesn't laugh when Stiles shows up at the hospital and shows her hisbloodied finger, but her lips curl up and she gives his dad anexasperated sigh before guiding Stiles to the emergency room. “Do Iget a lollipop after this?” He asks her, barely suppressing awhimper when she begins to wipe the blood.

Shedoesn't answer, cuffs him on the back of the head instead and tellshim the doctor will be there in a second to stitch him up. “Don'ttry to hurt the other finger!” She says, turning around.

Stilesglares at her retreating back and makes a mental note to call Scottand tell him his mother is mean.

Thewait takes longer than a second and Stiles kind of wishes he hadremembered to grab his phone before his dad manhandled him inside thecar. As it is he walks around the room, looking for stuff to distracthim but won't cause any more damage. See, dad? He can be responsible.

He'sreading a pamphlet about gonorrhea when the doctor finally shows up. “Sorry.”He apologizes. “We had an emergency with a kid. So you hurt yourfinger?”

Ah,shit. This cannot behappening.

WhenDerek looks up and recognizes him, Stiles shakes his head and says,“ah, shit.”

–

The thingis – Stiles wasn't supposed to be living with his dad aftercollege. He had plans, big and beautiful plans. He was going to askhis boyfriend to move in with him, they'd get an apartment togetherand then some years later a house for the kids. They'd get marriedand live happily ever after with each other.

And then one morning, his boyfriend was gone, taking Stiles’ plans and his heart with him.

“Ididn't know you were living here.” Derek says, still standing onthe same spot near the door.

“Movedback.” Stiles mumbles. “You too?”

“Yeah.”Derek says. “I'm finishing my residency.”

“That'snice.” Stiles says and means it. Derek always wanted to be a doctorand Stiles agrees that he's amazing at it. “And I'd love to hearmore about it but I'm kind of still bleeding here.”

Derek'seyes widen as if he'd forgotten where they were. “Oh, right.” Hemoves quickly to take a look at Stiles' finger and Stiles has to restrain himself from flinching away when Derek toucheshis hand. “Can you move it?”

“Yeah,”Stiles says, gritting his teeth when Derek touches the cut, “but ithurts like a motherfucker.”

Dereksnorts. Stiles wishes he wasn't looking down, he always liked Derek'ssmile. “I will give you something for the pain, if you want.”

“That'dbe good.” Stiles says and tries not to think about all the timesDerek took care of him when he was sick.

It's beensix months and it still hurts.

He watchesDerek working, face focused and hands steady, like he's done this amillion times. And he probably has, Stiles wouldn't know, but God,he wishes he did.

“There.”Derek says as he finishes dressing the wound. “Try to keep it dryand change the dressing twice a day.” He keeps saying, his backturned to Stiles as he disposes of the gloves and the bloodiedcotton. “You can come back in two or three weeks to –”

“Why?”Stiles blurts out. “You owe me at least an answer.”

Hewatches Derek's back stiffen, braces himself for the words eventhough he still doesn't feel ready for the truth. If Derek foundsomeone else he – doesn't know how he's going to react.

“Iowe you?” Derek asks. He turnsaround, stares at Stiles angrily. “How about you tell me why youwere pulling away? Why you weren't telling me where you were goingevery other morning? Why you were lyingto me?”

“What?”Stiles stands up, narrowing his eyes at him. “I was looking for ajob!”

“See?”Derek gestures at him. “You can't even tell me the truth now!”

“Whatthe fuck?” Stiles shakes his head, realizes he's screaming at ahospital but he really can't stop. Derek can't be twisting thisaround to blame him.Stiles wasn't the one who walked away in the middle of the night withthe only explanation being a note saying 'live your life'.“Why did that bother you so much? Why did you fucking walk awayinstead of talking to me about that?”

“Itried!” Derek says back. “But you kept saying you needed moretime to tell me, that it would 'make sense later'.” Derek snorts,humorless. “And you know what? It didmake sense later when I saw you getting out of that apartmentdowntown with a woman.” Stiles blinks, tries to remember what thehell Derek is talking about. “You wanted an out so I gave you anout.” Derek says. “Are you enjoying it with her?”

“Areyou fucking kidding me?” Stiles yells, reaches out for an unusedbag of cotton and throws it at Derek's perfect face, he bats it awayeasily but Stiles still feels a sense of victory when Derek's eyeswiden comically at his outburst. “I was looking for an apartment tolive with you!” He says, stalking towards Derek and punching hischest with his non-injured hand. “The one I was going to tell you about onour anniversary dinner.” Derek opens his mouth and Stiles can heara soft 'oh' escapinghis lips. “Yeah, remember that one? No, because you didn't showup!”

“Iwas studying!”

“Iknow!” Stiles groans, frustrated. It's not about that.“And I admired you for that! But you can't accuse me of cheating onyou just because I wasn't around much when you were doing the exactsame thing!”

Derektakes a step back, expression dazed, like Stiles had just punched himin that beautiful stupid face. “I didn't –”

“What?You didn't think about it?” Stiles cuts, anger finally starting tosubside and being replace with hurt. Derek really didn't trust him,huh? “Or you just didn't trust me?” When Derek's about to answer,Stiles shakes his head. “No, forget it.” It's too late now. Toomuch. “I thought wefelt the same, but apparently I was wrong.” And damn, that makeshis heart ache even more. Stiles poured his everything into theirrelationship, but Derek didn't even trust him enough to start aconversation. To try to fix things. “Thanks for the finger.”Stiles turns around but realizes he can't go without sayingeverything he has to. “I really loved you, you know?” He closeshis eyes when he feels about to cry. “I still do.” Hewhispers to himself and finally, finally,walks away.

–

Hisdad doesn't ask what happened, only looks at him curiously and drivesthem home. When they walk into the house, Stiles immediately pullshim into a hug and just lets himself feel the comfort of being withfamily. “Is everything okay?” His dad finally asks, patting hisback affectionately.

“No.”Stiles answers. “But it will be. Just –” he doesn't finish, buthis dad understands anyway and tightens his hold, letting Stiles cryon his shoulder.

–

Stilesis dozing off on the couch when the doorbell rings. Years of being acop's kid make him stand up immediately, only to relax when he seeshis dad walking down the stairs.

“Whatthe –” he says, opening the door cautiously, “fucking hell,kid. Do you know what time is it?” He doesn't wait for the personto answer, just turns to Stiles and says “you deal with this, I'llgo back to bed”, pats Stiles' shoulder in a way that says hedefinitely won't be sleeping any time soon and walks back to hisroom.

WhenStiles takes a look outside and sees Derek standing at the door,looking completely devastated,he wonders if it's too late to go back to sleep.

–

“Iwas scared.” Derek says as soon as Stiles closes the door behindthem. “I've always been scared.”

“Ofwhat?”

“Oflosing you.” Heanswers, turning to Stiles with wet eyes. “I'm – I'm not goodenough. I've never been – worthy of you.”

“Whatthe fuck?” Stiles rolls his eyes, taking Derek's shirt and slamminghim against the door. “Am I some fucking princess? You don't get todecide who's good for me! I do!”

“Butthat's the thing!” Derek says, slumping against the door. “Ithought you did! I thought you decided I wasn't good enough! And youwere preparing me for the end.” He closes his eyes, taking deepbreaths. Stiles watches him try to calm himself down and waits,angry, confused. “You were pulling away, talking more about yourfriends, about going on vacations, wanting to climb a mountain. I'm –I'm not like that. Inever was. I just thought – that was the end, you know? That wasthe limit of where we could go together.”

Stiles feels himself breaking and lets go of Derek's shirt only to slump against his chest. “Youidiot.” He whimpers. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”He whispers, feels the tears beginning to drop. He can't believe he'sthe cause of this, the cause of Derek's suffering, of his ownsuffering. He can't believe he let Derek think he wasn't good enough,even though he is. Heis everything. “I didn't – I never –”

“I'msorry too.” Derek says, arms circling Stiles' waist and pulling himcloser. “I should have talked to you. I should've tried harder.”

“Weboth should.” Stiles says, hears a sniff and realizes they are bothcrying. God, what a fucking mess they made. “You're more thanenough. You – I love you.I've never loved anyone else.”

“Meneither.” Derek answers. “I love you so much, it hurts me. I wantto keep you forever. And losing you, I can't –”

“Youdidn't.” Stiles touches Derek's hair, holds onto his shouldersbecause he can't trust his legs anymore. “You won't.”

“We'llbe together?”

“Yes,”Stiles laughs, cries, breathes forthe first time in months, “together.”

Forever.

Ep. 5 - “i want to see a live reaction to this in the reunion chat” - Maynor

Stephen

Ahahaha by the grace of the inactivity gods im still here. This is my karma for suffering through the preseason of Erinsborough. Now, I may not have actually gone home, but who knows I had an gut feeling and those are usually right.

Stephen

*laughing about surviving* Jay: Music Videos! *stops laughing*

Dylan C

me: [volunteers to edit for this challenge] me: [regrets this 5 min later]

John

ok i have a LOT of tea that needs spilled so sit back, relax, and enjoy this feature presentation:

-first things first, cormac. why couldn’t you have just voted. i would have one more ally and stephen would be out. so thanks.

-second, zoe told me about her advantage and how she has connections to the other side so that we should have a group of 5 at the merge. so that’s mind blowing. i’m just like in shock because in a way, cormac getting pulled allowed me to be zoe’s number 1. and that’s amazing. we stan.

-third, sierra is driving me insane. constant overdrive from her, and she’s starting to cross the divide between helpful and micromanaging. she can micromanage herself out of the game for all i care.

-fourth, timmy is ADORABLE. i’m definitely trying to get a cross tribal alliance with him bc wow. he cute. like really. he’s cute.

Keith John

Well if episodes are named here, This title of this episode would be "How you get screwed When tribal council gets Cancelled."

From being in a safe position last night to waking up and realizing that I am screwed in this game.

First of all, THANK YOU CORMAC for going out at the worst time possible. Last night my name was thrown out by Stephen. So obviously people entertained the idea.I do feel that I would have stayed but Cormac's evac has changed alot.

I had a planned final three with Cormac and Zoe, with Cormac gone. I'm down one alliance member.

Stephen is still in the game. And I know he is targeting me.

Maynor never spoke to me about the vote much. Inspite of me approaching him before tribal to see if he wanted to work together

John. who said he would have my back and would tell me if anyone would throw my name out. Never told me about Stephen's plan. I am sure he knew about it.

Sierra and I haven't bonded much personally. A little my fault there.

And Lastly Zoe. I know for now she definitely has my back. And I have hers but it feels like my game is extremely dependent on her. I feel alot of people want to work with her. And how long will she want to work with me? That I don't know.

Honourary mention: JAY thanks for throwing a challenge that I would suck at the most. I hate being on camera, Hate singing unless I wanna punish someone. 

Raffy

Cormac being gone kind of relieves me since he has been giving me bad vibes ever since day 1 of this game. Now that's just one more person that I do not talk to out of the way. I figure that merge is happening at 11 because Jay said there was a twist which can only mean that it is merge or that someone is coming back into the game. Maybe both. I'm just going to focus on winning this challenge for my tribe by providing the lip sync of my life. This shit is about to be so FIRE.

Raffy

I think I am fully in crackhead behavior. I just messaged 6 people at the same time trying to have conversations with them. This one world has made a mess of me, and I do not like it. Also, I am pretty much giving up on the idol because I don't want to go through the effort of hunting for it. So, instead, I'll just pray that it isn't used against me.

Maynor

Well. Now im not sure if Stephen vote was true or not but i have to rely on that my allies were gunna be with me. Its sad seeing cormac go since he was someone i connected with. But im glad it was done before tribal and not after tribal. Im hoping we could win immunity this round since im still feeling a little nervousish. 

Maynor

Catch me voting out John for calling Timmy cute.

Omg. Like i want to see a live reaction to this in the reunion chat. Them finding out we are dating. 😂😂

Raffy

I kind of put my neck out there in this challenge by suggesting the song. While I am not editing the video, I did make the song suggestion which is almost as important. Perhaps this could lead to my downfall. Furthermore, I talked to Dylan and they said that only themselves, Ellie, Justin, and I submitted videos which means we are missing Timmy's and Joseph's. Plus, editing takes a long time, so Dylan might not even use their videos if they are late. I just hope what people managed to film is enough. I've never won a music video challenge, and I am hoping this game can change that. I'm not that confident though. 

Raffy

I think I have made some strong connections in this tribe and the other. The people who I have talked about staying strong and working together include Justin, John, Dylan, Ellie, Timmy, and Keith. This seems like a diverse group of people that I can fall back on if one ends up turning their back on me. I always have to have back-up allies, otherwise I am liable to get voted out early in merge which I suspect is soon. I just want to establish myself in another alliance, but that seems hard in this game. I don't know who would be in that new alliance, but it would be some combination of the people I mentioned and others who I get good vibes from. Let's pray for me!

John

if rupaul was judging this music video challenge, she’d be telling us to sashay away. we are literally on the level of valentina with her mask on bad.

Ellie

Let’s hope that this damn video comes togather 

Stephen

We’re losing this challenge. Theres only about 4/5 of us in the video, a lot of the video is from the original music video and the rest is... ok, but not great. Dylan CI wanna say we have a better video but I'm gonna be the most biased on the tribe since I edited the damned thing for about four hours. I had to sacrifice some synchronicity a little bit towards the beginning to get Ellie in for the 10 seconds for the extra points. I had originally trimmed her clip to what I could match up the best, but then I double checked the post lol. Hope the judges don't care too much there.

Dylan C

I'm not even gonna go feral. I'm just gonna lay face down on my kitchen floor for a while.

Stephen

I.... okay, im not complaining. But yeah judges thanks but the fuck?

Dylan C

I'm like, actually upset right now? Like not so much that we lost, but that I spent all that time editing, when I've been worried about getting all my homework done this weekend but I volunteered to edit and wasn't about to back out cos that'd be shitty!!, only to lose by 20 motherfucking points. And also? I worked with what my tribe gave me bitch!!! Raffy was the only one who recorded the whole song, Justin did like half, Ellie and Joseph only gave me short clips, and Timmy was sick so he didn't film anything? I just wasted my entire afternoon and evening on this when I have real life shit I should've taken care of, but I made a commitment to my tribe, and for what? Tribal that's going to be happening while I'm at one of my Thanksgiving events! Granted, that was going to occur regardless upon losing since I'll be busy both Thanksgiving and the day after. But fucking still. Kinda just wanna ghost the world atm.

John

i’m kinda torn that we won. on one hand, we’re safe. on the other hand, i wanted to vote out stephen. so like, i’m feeling mixed emotions. these people will be dangerous to take to the merge. i hope it’s not next.

Dylan C

Kinda funny how I was so zazzed to be strategic at the start of this but I really haven’t been since. Strategy? I don’t know her. Also I’ve been ass about socializing one on one with ppl on the other tribe so I have a feeling that’ll bite me in mine. 

Sierra

By some miracle, we’re safe! I’m so glad that we don’t have to vote anyone out right now... especially because I don’t have my vote right now. Maybe I can make it to the merge and hide for the first vote there without having to vote. 

Joseph Collins

I am confusion. Dylan did such a good job editing. Our tribe and group is such a great mix of personalities and stories. And they came together to blend and make an amazing video. I actually got emotional watching it. I was very surprised to find out we lost. And now, we have to vote someone off our tribe. I hate it so much. I feel like it’s gonna be Timmy. He was absent in the time-crunch immunity challenge. Even Justin showed up and showed out which I thought was awesome. I like Timmy. And I feel like this is a hard vote for others so now I have to go be cutthroat Jo

Justin

Alright, so another tribal for us. I feel better than last time, but I'm still not 100% confident I won't be targeted again. Before the results for the challenge came in though, Raffy approached me and started talking to me some more about working together which makes me feel better keeping him around. Especially since I realized that he talks to me more than Ellie, so honestly I want her out now cuz whenever I talk about working together she leaves me on read. So, in conclusion I don't want you in the game lol. At least Raffy talks to me and says he wants to work with me, even if it might be fake. I told Joseph that I would like Ellie out, but he says Timmy cuz he doesn't talk to him and he feels Ellie could be our shield. I don't want him to go yet because I feel like he would vote with me, but I'm not jeopardizing my game to save him since he barely talks to me too. Although Joseph makes a good point that Ellie can make a good shield, I feel like we have other shields to hide behind in Raffy and Dylan. Plus, I feel like she has more connections than Timmy could get if he keeps playing the way he is.

Maynor

Im so happy that we were able to pull of the win in immunity. Im making it to the final 11. I really want to make it far in this game. I am really hoping Timmy stays alive. Like i know its bias cuz we are together. But we normally dont play the game together. Im just hoping we can make it far together this time. Plus ❤️ Jay. It would be amazing if i won this game. Me winning my first and last game would be pretty awesome. So im going to try my hardest.

Timmy

So apparently Justin is going around saying my name. Does this idiot not realize that I’m the reason he stayed last tribal we went to. Like seriously, and apparently he’s telling everyone the same thing that he’ll be with them always. And he calls me inactive, like sorry you message me at 9am when I’m walking into work and j can’t answer you until like 5pm when I get out. He better leave this tribal. I wish it was happening tonight just to also move things forward.

Dylan C

Me? Lying by omission to Ellie? It’s more likely than you’d think. Justin gave me her name earlier, and I tried to talk him out of it. He made a comment about keeping it between us. Now Ellie’s told me that Justin through her name out. “Between us.” Sure, Jan. And hey, I never mentioned it to Ellie or Raffy in our alliance chat (which exists as of last night). So I did keep it between us unlike him. Didn’t mention it because he had a decent point about Ellie’s strong social game, but now isn’t the time to try to get her out, IMO. Especially since I’ve just allied with her. Granted, I’ve turned on allies shortly after making alliances before but that’s not happening in this game. No way. So, I just acted like I didn’t know when Ellie told me and I’ll keep on that. That’s how I’ve been doing a lot: acting like some information people has given me is new to me (usually with Joseph tbh) when it isn’t new at all. Just kinda agree, maybe say I was already thinking about that, but not imply that I’d been Discussing it, depending on how I’m talking to.  

Ellie

So Justin is scrambling like HARDCORE, He threw Timmy’s name out and hen my name out right after saying that we were tight, and he’s so paranoid and it’s driving all of us crazy. Like we have until tomorrow night, chill out. And Jospeh really wants Timmy out but I’m like IF WE TAKE JUSTIN TO MERGE HE WILL FLIP WITHIN FIVE MINUTES!! Timmy might not be the most active but at least he’s fucking loyal. Raffy, Timmy, and I want Justin out so badly. Dylan is trying to listen before making a concrete decision, and Joseph and Justin want Timmy out. Justin even wants me out apparently.

RaffyA lot happened today, so I am going to break it down. Last night, Timmy, Ellie, and I (Just Go With It) discussed the vote early. Timmy suggested that we might want to get rid of Joseph or Dylan since he thought he would be able to sway Justin, since he considers Justin a close ally to him. That's when we all compared notes that Justin had claimed his apparent closeness to everyone on the tribe. This immediately put him on my radar as it could be a sign a double-crosser later down the road. As was not going to push anything since tribal was two days away, however I did talk with Ellie a little bit and she seemed down to vote Justin since she had a close relationship with Joseph and Dylan. While this was happening, Dylan created the Hypothetical Alliance with Ellie and I. This is great news since that means Ellie and I have control over two other votes (Timmy and Dylan) based solely on votes. In this way, whoever I wanted gone would go. Justin messaged me early in the morning asking about the vote. He heavily suggested that we vote for Timmy because he is inactive and bad at challenges, but those are the things that I want in an ally going into a merge. Besides that, Justin was asking incessant, paranoia-filled questions regarding the vote and would not let up. It is safe to say that he doesn't get that he's being incredibly messy and scramble-y when he doesn't have to be. The vote isn't until tomorrow, yet he's acting like it's in thirty minutes! The King of Crack right here! Anyways, so I told Ellie and then she was experiencing the same thing, so we then told Timmy. Timmy instantly wanted him gone which meant what I wanted from the beginning was going to happen. Furthermore, I learned from Ellie that Justin does not trust me and that he thinks I am vague and noncommittal. Not only that, apparently Ellie heard him say her name from someone. This dude is incredibly dangerous for my alliance! So, I was determined to see him go and to get everyone to go after him. Joseph was a tough nut to crack. He was very adamant today about voting out Timmy and keeping Justin. Apparently, Ellie got through to him, but I do not know how well that worked out for her. I have a feeling that Justin also said that he was tight with Joseph to the latter as he did with everyone. And Joseph thinks it is serious which means they'll be a powerful duo going into merge. I have to keep my eye on Joseph and make sure he doesn't slip from my grasp. Other than that, I managed to get Dylan on board with the vote as they thought Justin's paranoia and overall messiness was also a danger going into merge. Finally, Zoe approached me today asking who I felt good with. I knew she was sniffing for an alliance so I said Ellie, Dylan, and Timmy. She suggested that, since a merge was coming soon, that we create an alliance with Dylan, Timmy, and John making us a strong 5. I immediately agreed of course. A strong alliance helps me navigate the merge more comfortably and easily. Plus, in that alliance, I have Dylan and Timmy to have a majority over the decisions. So, if it came down to us 5, I would be good. Not only that, but this means that Dylan and Timmy will vote together in this tribal along with Ellie and I, ensuring that Justin goes to EoE. This is all working out for me. I do not know whether to tell Ellie about this alliance eventually, but I am planning on keeping it pretty tight-lipped for the most part. What doesn't kill her makes her stronger. And that's what you missed on Glee Johndamn. who knew i’d align myself with the perfect ride or die. she has an advantage and NOW she has an idol?! she is STACKED, and now i gotta protect her at all costs.

Maynor

Ive been talking to Keith a lot more now but heard from Timmy that people have been saying that he has been doing that with everyone so idk what to think of our bonding. Like i would like to think he would be on my side but who knows. We been talking about pokemon cards and the funko pops that i have. Its been fun. Im really glad talking to him more. 

Keith John

Due to thanksgiving. Tribal was moved a day ahead and everyone was busy celebrating. So things have been slow.

I decided to take the opportunity to complete the fox portion of the idol hunt. which turned out to nothing, As Zoe already informed me and Cormac that she got the advantage. after informing her I told her I will give the other path on the idol hunt a try. didn't want to go behind her back and do it. especially we are expecting a swap. this is my first time playing so I'm not sure that its a sure swap or another twist. 

Also finally I messaged Timmy again. After he didn't reply to me the first time. which was like 10 days ago. I know since I felt that I wasn't in the best position possible during the last tribal. I should have made an attempt before to talk to him as I need people, any people who want to work with me. But since I have had previous instances when I worked abroad, when people immediately snubbed or ignored me or changed their attitudes towards me when they found out that I am a Pakistani. N for a moment I felt like Timmy had decided that he didn't want to work with me. And me being a Pakistani was the reason. Which I guess is stupid on my part, I saw he added other people from the game to his skype. But didn't even reply to me. So When Zoe brought up the possibility of working with him. I decided to approach him again. This time he did reply. he seems nice but reserved. hopefully, we swap on the same tribe since we might have mutual friends who want to work together. But I would also like to make a genuine friendship with him and whether that becomes an alliance or not. that's to be seen.

OK Signing off for the night.

Timmy

People are quiet today in PMs but i hope that’s since we talked about tribal yesterday. Justin better be going bc he’s a snake ass bitch and I can’t deal with that shit.

Zoe

I got an idol, folks!!!!!!

I'm incredibly surprised at the rest of the tribe's laziness, considering I now have an advantage and an idol. The downside of the idol is that I have lost my vote next tribal, so now I really have to have trust in my tribe members and alliances cross tribal to keep me going through the twist, unknown as of five minutes before tribal. I predict a swap, but (not) knowing Jay makes me doubt that as well.

I'm still really sad about Cormac, but it's my game, not his game. As long as I can still count on my other connections, I'll just have to go on strong and know that it wasn't his time.