#bc i feel like that will help me get more attached
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i think the reason why im so drawn to spirit tracks and pkmn scarvi is that having the legendary/princess as a companion rather than a goal that marks the games completion makes me feel satisfied the way i would after helping a friend
my brother always teases me about how I still havent finished botw after almost 7 years bc "id rather be out picking flowers" which i wont say is untrue. and yes i know Zeldas been holding off ganon for 100 years, yes i can get some sort of idea what her relationship with link was like by recalling memories and going through her diary. ive always loved botw for its unique storytelling and setting which makes it stand out, because it lets you get to know who you're saving.
but because theyre memories, it only works if theres something for the player to investigate that already happened. its retroactive (but effective nonetheless)
on the other hand, spirit tracks does something similar but instead of having the player try to piece together memories and interpret them as a spectator, you actually have an opportunity to get to know zelda yourself by talking to her and working together. besides making it a gameplay mechanic, giving the player control over how they interact with zelda makes it so much more personable.
and I find that making the goal feel personal instead of an obligation gives me more of a reason to work towards it. I know what kind of person botw zelda was but as the player, shes still very much a stranger to me. but spirit tracks zelda? thats my friend!!!! she invited me to go to the beach after we get her body back!!! i dont want to whip her to make her move faster thats mean :(
you know how hostage negotiators are trained to introduce themselves and get to know the person theyre negotiating with because its harder to hurt someone when you know what their favorite food is? its kinda like that, because it feels like im helping a friend than being told or led to do smth
and although i havent played scarvi myself, i feel an attachment to koraidon and miraidon even just watching playthrough clips because its like!! thats my weird scaly dog!! it loves sandwiches and we're friends!!! you know!!!!!!
#i dont normally write long posts like this but i think ive been trying to put this into words for a long time and it finally happened#my cloth mother spirit tracks zelda and my wire mother lttp zelda#ACTUALLY ANOTHER THING when i was a kid i always felt guilty when i had to catch the legendary at the end of the game#because to me it was like 'i know none of this is real but if i capture you and have you under my thumb am i robbing the world of something#normal thoughts for a 10 year old to have#when i talked to my brother abt this he was like 'i mean yeah the point is to dunk on the NPCs what were you expecting' and i mean i think#i get that its supposed to feel rewarding because the legendary is THE reward. but it doesnt feel right and i dislike he feeling of pushing#others down to get ahead. i guess u can argue sun/moon does smth similar where you have nebby with lillie#but lillie still ends up handing nebby over to the player and i STILL feel bad because im like shit man you raised that little guy#and koraidon/miraidon feels less like a reward but more like overpowered motorcycle lizard that is just so oupydog. and i love him#and in spirit tracks i went out of my way doing some of the side quests bc zelda asked nicely and honestly that was enough for me#i think all of this boils down to.. i feel very protective abt things i care abt so stories that give me a reason to care hits harder#this can also go the other way bc i CRIED when i finished links awakening because i KNEW every person and im responsible for#literally the end of their world. like. there was a family with 5 kids. marin loved singing and cared about me. she was my FRIEND#i just. ugh. i have too many feelings rn. i kinda wanna draw more spirit tracks link and zelda i think that wld make me feel better#yapping#diary#loz#pokemon
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does anyone have any recs for legacy challenges that have drama in them/let you really dive into storytelling & dynamics moreso than focusing on collections/careers/etc. ??
#bonus points for legacies where you can start with your founder as a kid/infant#bc i feel like that will help me get more attached#so many lovely legacy challenges have such cool concepts but they have too many generations with goals im not that into#like it will be a cold day in hell before i play a sim that's pursuing fame again or baking/running a restaurant#those gameplay mechanics get glitchy/repetetive for me so fast so i stray from them#i should prob make my own legacy challenge bc then it would be tailored to ME but it takes a lot of planning and i just wanna play jdlkjdf
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We are once more reading JSTOR for fanfiction purposes: I gotta know how long a medical degree took at Trinity in the 1790s For Reasons
#this trans stephen maturin AU has grown Backstory bc i cannot just Write it has to Make Sense#ive gotten attached to mona. a character without a last name and who is referenced like. twice#i have 6 pages of backstory notes#and much more in my brain. but i cant write them down until i know how long getting his MD took#aubreyad#aubreyad fanfic#aubrey maturin#aubrey maturin fanfic#jack aubrey#stephen maturin#its really helpful that he went to trinity tho. bc i went to trinity. i know Places.#i dated an enviromental biologist there too. which is funny. my mother commented on their similarity tbh. bc Z is also v autistic#but i know The Places. ive been in the Old Bits where he would have had classes(they dripped water on my head while i was Learning)#and i know how the city Feels. like. the roads.#fuck i miss dublin. i should go to bed befoelre The Crying starts#or find an article thatll let me read it#need to remember to beg my mothers JSTOR access this weekend
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#guys (neutral) i have made a mistake#theres a guy in my classes whos also pakistani (but like FROM pakistan) and from generally the same areas as my family i guess#and we're the only two in the class (for context the other desis who make up the majority of the class are all indian international student#and i know that im a friendly person#but i fear that i made a connection with this guy too quick#and have given him the wrong idea#idk if hes just attached to me bc im the only other pakistani or that AND bc ive accidentally led him on or smthg without even realising#like he will hover near me and will only leave when i leave (and its gotten so bad over like 3 days that my other classmate noticed ->#and was like ... girl yk hes attached himself to u right#asdhjkasldadhajkldadhajsd#anyways thats besides the point#hes rly nice so i feel bad asdkjlasd;adjkl;adadjksd (and he doesnt rly have any friends here besides family and classmates so im giving ->#him the benefit of the doubt#and yall today was the only day i left class and he wasnt right beside me bc i think he left to do smthg#and i went to help anther girl get to her car#and i guess because he couldnt say bye to me (esp since its the weekend now) he started DMing me on instagram#there are more details but i will spare yall for now bc the ig messagse are whats makign me more worried <3333#anyways gn#mehrtalks
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Sighs. Am trying to make dinner (on one foot, mid migraine, in a horrible flare up) which my sister said she'd help with. She did a few things (washed the carrots, cut up the beets which were supposed to be whole) and then said i clearly had it under control and went back to the computer. Still have tons left to do. Have no energy and am not even hungry.
#feels like the more help i need the more literally everyone is like. hm. good luck with that. and then they leave#especially doctors but also my sister as well#i know she's not my caretaker ! am well aware !#just kind of dont understand the lack of reciprocity. i take care of her whenever she's sick#asked her to pick up my last couple meds from the pharmacy#which is attached to the store she was going to anyway and was like 'dont bother if theres a line but if there isnt one could you ?'#after she just saw me struggle massively on my crutches when we got coffee this morning#and she said it wasnt good timing and she didnt know if people can even pick up meds for each other#they definitely fucking can bc ive picked up her meds plenty#anyway am out of my migraine meds entirely and really have zero hope of getting them for the next while#at least until i can walk on my right foot i guess#just feel. what's the words. frustrated and abandoned and alone. and too fucking disabled.#chronic illness#complaining
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a reboot etc is a good idea when it's for something where a reboot or continuation fits the kind of series the original had been and/or it's something i enjoyed and was not so attached to that the thought of it getting screwed up in a new form doesn't completely tear me apart from the inside, but gives me something nice to look forward to.
a reboot is bad when it's for literally anything i am mentally ill about. hope this helps.
#txt#ajl;sddfj i feel so hypocritical being excited for xmen 97 while being Terrified about these kinds of things that#have happened for other beloved shows#where .... i mean ok listen tss gave me so many trust issues i cannot get into ongoing shows#whole heartedly bc the trauma of an unexpected cancellation is forever haunting me#so i get into older media with the idea that i can know what to expect both in terms of runtime and story#it is safe it is nice#but when u take something that stands alone in preserved archived form like that and dig it up and zombify it#i am going to cry a little even if it does end up being good bc change is scarey#but for smth like x-men it's fine bc comic based stuff gets new iterations every couple years anyway a;jlksdkfj#continuations are quite different bc of how they fuck with an original's canon at times#whereas reboots scare me bc they change fandom landscapes and... other things depending on how it happens#but idk i think there is just a certain level of what i expect to happen mixed with how attached i am to a thing#that determines how much a reboot/continuation/etc will either terrify or excite me or both#and i feel like there is always an expectation that more = good but in reality please just leave it alone#so i can write fic in peace for the things i care enough about to write fic for#(also i do think ive learned enough that reboots/continuations are not the end of the world#where i am less terrified of them now generally even if i am tired of them#so that maybe helps)
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Man... I can't stop thinking about the things that were talked about on the stream, especially the answer on my question - so... get ready for a ramble! its a long one. oops. i dont even know where im going with this, im just dumping my thoughts somewhere. half is about ttcc lore in general and the streams, the other half is about cathal and me projecting onto him deeper.
before i even hop deeper into this, it wasn't until early today that i learned that there was a whole drama about cranky's answers (regarding the graham and flint question and the whole "keep it sane" thing. i thought it was...off, but i understood it as 'do what you want people, just don't start any harassment because of ships and your favorite pairs'.
definitely could have been phrased better, though. at least we got a good response and an apology later from maven on twitter. but i legit did not know this was a drama until those twitter posts were made LOL. i dont interact with the fandom so i do not know how that answer was percieved by most. or if anyone except for me and my friends have had any thoughts about the question i asked that got answered.)
and what im tryna get to is that i get cranky isnt the one to be answering lore things, and probably didnt know what to answer... but it's still something to think about
because being told "cogs and toons just dont become how they are out of the blue" (paraphrasing here) as an answer to what cathal initially thought of seeing his dad be bet up and thrown off a tower is... confusing? he did say first and foremost that it has to be built upon before saying that. i understand that this is... a lot of characters! and cathal did have some focus on him thanks to the comic and they wanted to focus on other managers... but some have deeper, more intricate lore that's easy to grasp (especially the more, well, angstier managers like chip and misty.)
and we have gotten some extra lore for other managers like belle, mary, tawny.... thanks to thomas' rambles.
and it's definitely difficult for a team of volounteers working hard on a fan game together to make lore for all the characters, that are still very young in their *life span*, having been around for less than a year. despite ttcc being more character driven and focused on the cogs, it's still a game they have to run so they cannot focus on lore only and some game management has to be done first. there's a bunch of things they have to consider, like consistency and how fans may react, or possible themes or what they want the story to be...
and. yeah. its hard since. come on lets admit it. clash has an issue with how these are all given to us. hell, there's lore bits i still dont know about and im still learning because it's..so all over the place. a new player will not know about it. maven acknowledged this in the tweet and i really appreciate that, as it's honestly been my number one issue with clash, especially as someone who is there for the lore. (i mean, and the gameplay, i know some people who don't play the game itself much. well i sure do a little TOO MUCH because i have PROBLEMS. but im interested in the lore, too, yknow?)
some lore you cant learn from the wiki, and unless you interact with the community, you may never learn *where* all of this even is. if you werent live for certain lore there, it's hardly accessible to you. lore locked behind one time events, an arg website, wikis, discord chats... all that. it's hard to keep track of! i'm sure it's like that for both the fans and the writers. these characters are great, fun, and i love them, but the way we are given this information is... not the best. it's very easy to miss certain details.
it's especially bad if you're like me - only ever interacting with a close group of people you trust, (because people are scary especially a lot of... lore driven fans. yeahnoimeanshippers.sorry.and just big crowds of people in general) having only gotten back into the game recently AFTER most of the major lore events (first played once in 2019, then never again until january 2023) and also you dislike youtube and video content, so you dont watch it. something in your brain would rather if you step on a nail than watch a playthrough video (especially with commentary).
like in general it shouldnt be necessary to go through all these hoops just to know the lore! especially for things that may have little lore...
anyways, uh, back to cathal. i cannot stop thinking about this.
it definitely wasnt an answer to what i specifically asked - but possibly more so about... why cathal is the way he is? and despite what my brain and low self esteem during hard times may tell me - i do not believe that anybody is truly "lazy". i just dont think that exists. there's always some reason behind a person being unmotivated or lazy. even the little things!
but like... that's just kinda obvious. all toons and cogs have motivations. thats like... one of the basics of writing characters. have motivations for characters and reasons for why they are how they are. doesnt have to be anything tragic, just.... how they are as people.
it's totally unrelated to the question of what cathal thought about seeing his dad like that... but oh well! i asked that because i made up my own story around that already, and i just wanted to see what someone working on the game thinks about the same idea.
not to be Tumblr User CathalBravecog, but, of course I have projected heavily onto cathal. i have already stated how important cathal is to me as a character, especially with appreciating myself when im.. not exactly the most motivated. when im not doing much. taught me to appreciate breaks. hell! i keep preaching this myself. its okay to take breaks! and yet i often end up not doing it and i overwork myself on games and art and other things.
there's... a lot of things "wrong" with me that i don't have names for yet, especially due to not having a diagnosis for them, but they're very real feelings and they cause me to be unable to do things a lot of the time. various mental blocks and a new member of the gang... physical pai! hooray.
this... endless productivity we are forced and expected to do. it can take a toll on you. breaks are just as necessary and to say it's a thing that has to be re-learned is... sickening. hooray for living in a Corporate (clash) society, fellas.
one thing i can say is that i absolutely headcanon that cathal has adhd - though, maybe not the same type i do. i do not think he gets randomly hyper and wants to (and does) jump around everywhere and blurt things out randomly and impulsively. cathal here has the low energy, yknow.
i like that a lot of the content around him doesnt even describe him with the words "lazy" and "sleepy" instead.
every day is the same... even if his job is relatively simple, just watching over the camera feed - it's definitely boring... and having to do it every day is not rewarding. and being mostly alone and without consequence, he gives into wanting to do something else. he's got these huge screens and a room to himself, and he loves watching shows and cartoons... so he's gonna do that. it's more fun. it's stimulating. and especially with his dad being the one to give him his position, he knows that he's got nothing to really worry about there.
i also think it's a bit hard to be motivated knowing that... this war between the cogs and toons is just. endless. hell, again, he has to see his dad *everyday* be attacked by them. his body damaged after the fall - only to be fixed again. rinse and repeat. i would too, find it pointless. especially if you're like cathal, since i pointed out before that he is very kind and caring towards the other cogs. he's also thoughtful, noting that yknow... a lot of stairs to get to his room.
why do all that when you can chill... and feel good. do something that feels nice...
i don't have any names for this, but with how sleepy he usually is, that's definitely a thing to consider too. and just, from experience... being tired and/or sleepy it... dismotivates you even more. its so hard to start tasks even if you *want* to do them. and considering cathal mooost likely doesn't want to do his work on his own - then these tasks can be just. impossible to start.
like, i have struggled with this my entire life myself, just because of my adhd screwing with everything, but after getting covid and most definitely getting a form of chronic exhaustion from it.. things have been even harder. i pull myself through day and i barely have the energy to even start anything. sometimes i dont even do anything all day and... woops! still no mood or energy to do anything. i just work on random bursts of motivation and things that captivate me...
not sure how it relates to cathal, but, hey, if im personal here ill ramble about it too because WOW it has been biting me in the ass and i need to speak to Professionals About It
like... i dont think hes being "lazy" willingly, yknow? theres a reason behind it. it definitely is just... being sleepy, the comfort... the fun and stimulation doing something fun he's interested in (his shows) are just... stronger desires and way easier for him to get to. why struggle through something when it takes up all your energy, and then you feel no reward for it? yeah. exactly. even just "not feeling like it" is a reson. "not having energy" is a reason. hey, are these things to get better about if needed? certainly. i wish i could get help with this, it would help me in my life so so much. but should it be seen as ENTIRELY negative and as being a "hinder to society". hell nah. and i think thats swag. cathal is swag he can do this, good for him lmaooo. my brain is deteriorating i apologize.
there was... another thing i wanted to say, but i forgot. so i'll move on.
but just... yeah. i dont think cathal is just lazy. i dont believe in "laziness". he's got reasons for why he prefers naps and just... watching tv instead of doing his work. perhaps he does want to do these things, but gave up on trying. its not worth the effort, it does not feel good. its not stimulating enough to keep him going.
#long#ramble#cathalposting#i...may delete this later i dont know. i both wanna talk to ppl i know about this#but also Do Not Percieve me. I am Afraid Of What People Think#Stay Back Foul Beasts !#alsoy eah i had other stuff to talk about...more on the negative side i guess but??? its. a bit difficult to#give and .. angstier things? negative thoughts? to a character who you see a lot of comfort in. they make you happy#they help you feel better about yourself. you want to see them happy. if theyre happy#youre happy. if theyre sad...well. you are sad. sadness is natural. its a real thing. it happens sometimes. its a part of life#and i have attached some of these things to cathal already. but a few things are hard for me to consider because of The Brain Worms.#i dont want to see him hurt either yknow.#anyways i hope you enjoyer my mental illness ramble. im not normal and you shouldve known that when you followed me#thank you for existing cathal ray toby braveswag#hey fun fact remember how i said i get tired of stuff myself easily well this whole thing made me tired. i was gonna#answer an ask but now im like. man. (melts into a puddle)#(doesnt take a break bc i need instant stimulation and makes things worse for myself)#do yall see why i like cathal so much now gamers?#ya. sorry this got personal. if any of you can handle reading this u deserve a reward.#and maybe i need to start talking about personal things this much. but whatever#this is my blog i can talk about anything and thats the COOL THING!#MWAHAHAHHAHAHA!#dies#ivegot a lot going on in my brain rn cant u tell
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Smth smth, Khaenriahns having similar thing to the Ackermans in AoT
#//The whole 'power that can be Awakened in times of duress'#//Exhibiting increased physical abilities; gaining the combined power of Khaenri'ahns before them via some connection to them#//I like it v much#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//Also v much like the Ackerman Protectiveness™ being PART of it. It wasn't inherently in the og; I know; but IMAGINE#//In addition to getting that Awakened Power; it also lets Khaenri'ahns form a sorta Warrior's Bond w the one fighting w them in the moment#//So the trigger for it would not only be survival; but also a sense of Protectiveness over sb. Not necessarily romantic or anything#//Just a strong feeling of attachment & fealty to the one would TRUST with your very life; reflexively as breathing. Who'd do so in return#//Which would make me both laugh and cry if you consider Diluc & Kaeya#//Just#//Lil bby Kae activating the bloodline instinct during an outing gone South; & having a Crisis bc Luc's not Khaenri'ahn#//Does it even MEAN anything? Will HIS instincts go haywire bc Luc's not Khaenri'ahn? Are the gods gonna PUNISH him for it?#//For imprinting on a Teyvat-born; gods-blessed mortal? Or worse; in doing so; would Luc be damned in the process too?#//Meanwhile bby Luc the INSTANT of their oath to be sworn brothers was just. Already Like That. No Khaenri'ahn bloodline influence#//Heck; mans dramatic ass was prolly Ride or Die; from the START; then with that he had MORE incentive. The perfect fit to complement it#//Close to mutual enough until The Confrontation; then Kae's left reeling. There was nothing to sever on Luc's part; but it still Hurt Kae#//It's in his BLOOD to care abt & protect him. Prolly drive Kae mad when Luc went off to Snezhnaya & went through Hell; knowing he Caused i#//STILL resolved to help & support Luc; as per the inherent purpose of the bond; even if Luc won't want him to. What else can he do?#//The pain of Luc keeping him at arms length & aftermath of the betrayal is Nothing compared to what Kae'll feel if Luc dies; he figures#//And in Different Case; imagine Dain & Halfdan. A bond formed in the most Dire of times for Khaenri'ahns; them already having been close#//Maybe love already having budded b/w them. Only for an extreme life or death to spark it further; as their bond was Sealed#//Imagine if the mutual bond also let them sense each other's emotions; perhaps not ENTIRELY; but Just Enough to tell if they need help#//So if the other needs them; they can Tell right away. To be spurred to action and rush to their side in times of need#//With that; them Immediately sensing the difference as of That Day. The JOY in realizing the very mutual feelings they had in additon#//Feeling each other's love seeping through their bond; fond little bursts & flares felt whenever they think of each other; when they smile#//Warm feelings shared; even when they were apart. ESP then. Them hurrying to the other's side when they sense a dip or cold feeling#//Imagine how it would feel when Dan died; Dain's reeling from his own anguish & Dan's pain; Dan's grief in leaving him like this#//& the Emptiness Dain would feel; as bond b/w them would Shatter as Dan draws his final breath. A part of his heart & soul carved out#//Lmao; this all happened bc I was like 'Ey what if Khaenri'ahns were just Built Different'#//I do like this concept; gonna file it away for later
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haruka watches takane eat like a dog begging because he knows she will leave at least half its food. sorry i wrote a longer post in the tags.
#but im also attached to the idea after getting her body back takane indulges in food a lot more#i think generally she's just so glad to have it back she stops taking it for granted and is like oh my god EATING#but it goes both ways same with sensory issues#takane is extremely touch/eating/sleeping averse#but suddenly gets this rush and is like i need to binge eat and hold hands NOOOOOOW#<- haruka's match made in heaven moments but he's smart enough to see takane's like overindulging and is like Ok. let's take a break💗#takane gets so overwhelmed both negatively and positively like#omg im real!?!?!? AUGGHH to OMG IM REAL YIPPEEEEE!!!!!!#also working on not taking cover as ene bc at first she did and accidently drove itself craz#so shes like trying to work through it WITHOUT having to resort getting out of her body bc no problems are gonna get solved that way#haruka helping her through it all AUUUHCGGH#i have this very particular hc cuddling its basically therapy ok. because its all touchy and it helps her.#as much as it sometimes pains her so it can be both negative and positive#haruka is like :3 but if takane is squirming all uncomfortable he's like do we HAVE to do this youre NOT enjoying it at all and she's like#EUGH DONT TALK I CAN FEEL YOU BREATHING AGAINST ME ITS DISGUSTING#and haruka's like man when you scheduled to cuddle 1 hour a day i wasnt imagining this💔💔💔#BUT WHATEVER HE WANTS TO HELP SO HE HELPS💗 he just doesnt want her to be all uncomfortable but takane understands she needs it#BECAUSE SHE CAN ALSO LOVE IT IT ALL DEPENDS ON HOW SHE'S DOING THAT PARTICULAR DAY#and as time goes on its more and more that she enjoys it and tells haruka he can now touch her without having to ask first:3#i think at first its exclusively takane who begins any sort of physical contact not bc haruka is shy#but bc he doesnt wanna put her in a weird situation if she doesn't wanna be touched he probably only dares to like hold her hand. ñ#which is her sleeve. bc she covers their hands. lol#BUT TAKANE RLY COMES THRU i think they rly talk abt all this and she rly comes to him like hi. u can touch me without asking if u want.#and haruka's like ?? U MEAN I CAN KISS U WITHOUT ASKING??? AND TAKANES LIKE YEAH!!!and haruka's like OH MY GOD!!!!!!!#hey. sorry for being insane. i have very particular headcanons that i need to share i NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND ME#did anyone read all these damn tags#god idk why i dont write this as the post itself but then i cant go and copy the tags. what a nightmare#kagevinnie#headcanons
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just applied for the job i had during college and honestly it feels bad man
everyone I know is actually accomplishing things with their life, buying property, getting promotions, getting their masters etc
fuck, even my cousin who is several years younger than me and has very little to no college (aka doesn’t have student loan debt) just got a management position at a fortune 100 company and is now making more than 60k
And where am I now?
Couldn’t do my job at the big company I was supposed to work at, where I had insurance and got paid enough to actually pay for things
all I do now is feeding horses and basically just putting them in different places 4 hours a day 6 days a week for less than what I made ever since I started working and living off that and what’s left of what I had accumulated in my 401k at my old job (that im gonna have to pay thousands of taxes on for taking it out too early im sure) and therefore fucking myself over for the future- everyone always says start young well I did and I’m too fucking useless to function without wanting to remove my skin apparently so I fucked that up
And yeah it was just an online application so I don’t know how likely it is they’ll even respond and hire me again but I feel like I am going backwards
I did what everybody always insisted I had to do
i went to college
i got a “real” (office) job
i got more than 25k student loan debt I have not been able to make even a dent in
and what do i have to show for it? even worse mental illness? A piece of paper that said i went to college? Crippling fear of answering a phone? an extreme hate for the way I look now?
and now im (at least attempting) to go back to where I was before all that bc that’s the only place i can think of will hire me, to a job I did not enjoy whatsoever, where I am going to have to explain to the high schoolers that would be working closing shift that I will have to do after the morning job like yeah i left here 3 years ago for a competitive job that paid twice as much at one of the (apparently voted) best employers in the city that everyone wants to work for but I threw it all away bc im a useless fucking idiot and now I’m back here working fast food watching all these people who will go to school and get the jobs they want and not fuck it up and actually be successful and move on with their lives
it just,,, it doesn’t feel good
i feel like I’ll never get anywhere so what’s even the point
#and I know you’re probably thinking oh well you have horses you must have plenty of money etc#thing is i work at the place i keep them i do not pay regular price or I would not afford them at all#I’ve only ended up with as many as i have bc at my old#job i made just enough to not be negative every month#and now I can’t get rid of them because I am afraid to talk to people and ended up very attached to one we got with the intention to sell#after a few months#and the other we have had for 10 years now but she would need to be consigned somewhere to get what she’s worth#which requires /talking to people/#so while I previously could just about afford them I can’t now unless something majorly changes#once i run out of what’s left of my 401k i will not have the money to pay for them#yes i know buying ghost tickets with that was an idiotic thing to do but it temporarily made me happy#which is also another reason i want to try to avoid getting rid of the horses if at all possible#sounds stupid but at this point without them there would really be no point in being here#they’re the only reason I talk to anybody at all these days and they are capable of making me happy#im sorry i feel like i have been complaining on here a lot more frequently lately and i don’t think anybody wants to see shit like this on#their dash but i don’t really have anywhere else to say things#anybody irl always just says ‘well other people did x/it was your decision to y/etc#the shitty insurance I have now does not cover anxiety/depression things I have not been taking any and I have a feeling it is not helping#delete later
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auuudggghghhrhrhrbrr
#okay I’m feeling Bad and I need to unpick why before I’ll be able to sleep#friend is asking abt lunch on Friday when I already have standing commitment w other friends then so I can���t do that.#but I also go home on Sunday and I can’t do shit until Friday bc work and I have plans on Saturday so I just. can’t see them#which. I guess makes things easier actually that’s not something I can control and I’m not changing existing plans that’s unfair#I’m also listening to a playlist of old music (Apple Music generated favourites — so literally random picked from everything I’ve ever done#and the last few songs have made me feel Bad bc of being associated with certain times but song playing rn is definitively a good song#w a good memory attached and it’s MY song not one of my old friends#okay where are we#I’m stressed abt presentation on Thursday but also a non issue. I’m prepared. I have all day tomorrow to practice and read up more#and then it’s 20 minutes on Thursday morning I’ll be done before 10am#I am. a little frustrated on a broader scale about the role I’m currently occupying#in that w a bunch of my friends I’m having to be the one with their shit together and dealing with their Stuff.#mostly in the way that I have to be putting in extra effort to tiptoe around them and steer stuff to keep them happy#i can do it i can do it easily I’ve just tasted not having to now so it’s. noticeably different having to do it more#i do Not have the words to talk abt this in the way I want to it’s so annoying#it’s like. I know how my friend responds to stuff. I know the things that make her anxious and what her instinctual responses will be#and I’m constantly having higher level thoughts planning out how things will go it’s effortless and constant it’s just There#with everyone all the time but sometimes I use it more and sometimes I have to because I’m in a position where if I don’t we’ll get nowhere#and I don’t like that I’m having to worry abt keeping other people happy while I’m talking to my friends it removes me a layer from stuff#hrm. there are broader questions here abt the utility of this bc like. sure it helps in some situations#but this probably isn’t great long term for either of us. wild. goddamn talking to my friend abt philosophy opened new parts of my brain#anyway I cba to have those thoughts rn! it’s midnight! I’m going to bed in half an hour <3#it’s honestly unfair that I have to do anything other than be gay and play pokemon#luke.txt#uaUrghrhfhjs I’m also being insane abt a guy. which is predictable and I feel stupid abt for multiple reasons but. here we are.#I’m being insane. and maybe I should be less mean to myself but I feel like I’m being insane.#I think! I need to go to bed!#I am not being insane I am having feelings and that is allowed. feelings are typically regarded as a pretty normal thing to have.#philosophy friend is gonna be so mad at me if anything comes of this but it’s fine and if it does I think I’ll be pretty happy anyway#point is I’m doing nothing wrong and have done nothing wrong and I’m allowed to feel whatever the hell I like. okay.
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im losing my mind again
#this song is so good its been playinf in my head for two days straight now#why does that happen to me every time like i get incredibly attached to a band and then listen to them on repeat untill i dont feel anythin#from their songs#and its a shame bc i look back and just go "oh yea i was in my cosmo sheldrake era back then''#and nothing more than that!!! their songs meant so much to me at the time!!#now i dont even listen to them anymore!! what the heck!!!#and its gonna happen again and ill be sad about not liking enter shikari anymore#aeurghhh#that said. T.I.N.A. is a freakin banger. god help me#viky stuff#music posting
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also i cant even practice driving because our car is dead and our neighbor NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE so we cant put my dads car next to it to jump it. i want to scream. i guess it helps complaining though so i can stop thinking about it so much and getting so stressed. i just feel like i need to be doing 10000000000 things.
really i just need to do 2 things rn - call the test people & send an email to the dmv guys. then when those are done i can study. and if i have to make a psych appt it would be fine because i should ask for my as needed klonopin back because i think i am still good for the most part it's just my anxiety randomly goes thru the roof and i need help w it. (weed has been making it worse. why would my best friend weed do this to me...)
i also should really remember every day to take my mushroom supplement because i cant overstate how much of a diff it makes taking it regularly.
also i need my wife to stop asking about tax stuff for A Minute because i know what we are doing i just need time to execute it all and i have to do all of the above bullshit first!!!!!!
#like we need to send a mail version of our taxes bcs they wouldnt accept the gross income from last year as the right one?????????#so i have to send them in#and i want to be able to pay it in full!!!#so then our 23 taxes can be on a pay plan and then everything will be set up perfect and beautiful.#deep breaths.#im fine aghhhh#im so scared im gonna stress too much and make myself have more health issues#i need to be calmed#it really doesnt help that my love has no work rn and hasnt since august#bcs it means that i am paying for everything and it quickly gets overextended#so i CANT save anything. i can barely pay my credit cards and shit.#so like i havent been able to build up money to pay tax shit!!!!!#so i feel like i have to work MORE but i cant just make my current clients give me more work lmao#and so more work means making my free time into art for other people time#which i dont mind usually but rn its making my brain scream#so#i think i just need a Real Fucking Break no strings attached and also that doesnt cost anything and i get paid like normal during. haha#im hoping if i can somehow break down the driving stuff wall and get that done#that the combo of being able to drive to work and thus cutting off like 1-2 hrs of time from my work#and also doing less work and more school! will be good#i like school i really like in person classes#my brain just absorbs it all#ok im calming more now. im ujst so scared all the time#and im too good at keeping it to myself bcs i cant be Weak
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never fails that whenever i get insecure, i suddenly want a beta. wish i didn't have to keep telling myself to get over it and just Do.
i'm this fcking close 🤏 to asking my wife if she'll read 23K, half of which is the same stuff only written w different scenes, but i know she's usually not up for it, so i'm trying to refrain.
i just need to get to the part where i decide i'm keeping the new direction bc undoing everything i changed is too much bother and i Changed It In The First Place Because It Wasn't Working As Is!
god, pancho, get fcking over yourself already.
#not that it would help. i usually just end up more unsure bc my wife will always say 'either is fine' or 'both are good'#like thank you darling i love you and your belief in me#but also i'm still exactly where i started#it doesn't help that i just went through a depressive episode and i'm still feeling really fcking down#like lol that's what i get for getting attached#god it's no wonder my fave characters are emotional disasters#my wife is right: the real angsty edgelord is me#nana talks tag#pen battles
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Every night I Think and piss myself off to hell and then I can't sleep
#tossing and turning wondering if i should quit this damn group or feel it out and see if it improves#like it sooo has not been worth it thus far between the poor moderation and minor cliqueyness(?)#I'm mad half bc i really like the oc i made for it and it feels like such a waste / disappointment that i made an oc i got so attached to#for a group where it doesn't even matter bc the most active people only gaf abt ocs with very specific aesthetics and tropes#so then it's like damn. while i even bother#i guess i could go MIA indefinitely until there's new people and see if that helps balance activity#but also i kinda would rather just leave and save myself the potential trouble and heartache if it stays the same / gets worse....lol#anyways. everybody piss me off and this has been the impetus for me to no longer want to associate with several people i once considered#myself at least on good terms with if not friends#but now I realize how much they frustrate and irritate me more than i find them endearing#so ....#azure talks#I'm just so indecisive abt it. I'm always on my sunk cost fallacy shit
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cuddling w choso as he gives reader small kisses around their face <3
·.⌇𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐒. choso kamo x female reader. fluff; sfw. reader gets called ‘baby’. please take it easy on me bcs its my first time writing for this man t_t not beta read!
choso is super clingy when he’s with you. when you try to leave your bed in the morning, he pulls you right back. back into his warm embrace so you wouldn’t suffer from the cold temperatures. you don’s protest and simply allow yourself to be dragged back into the arms of your beloved.
“choso, tickles.” giggles leave your lips as choso plants several kisses on your skin. they’re those ticklish yet sweet ones—the feeling of his lips grazing gently against your cheeks makes you smile. your lover takes his chance once you speak and places a few more pecks on your prominent cheekbones.
he hums, a low sound reverberating through his chest. choso refuses to let go of you. his hands are firmly holding you down by your waist. his eyes are closed like he’s enjoying every second of this, “sorry. can’t stop.”
and he truly cannot. it’s like your body was a magnet—pulling his in by simply being near him. your fingers play with the black strands of choso’s hair while he leaves a trail of kisses down your jawline. it’s soothing to him. nearly makes him purr in content. he can’t help but give your chin a swift, small lick.
“hey!” you pout and try to wipe the saliva off. there is a humourous glint in choso’s eyes—your adorable reaction being exactly what he was aiming for. his hand interlocks with yours, pinning them above your head. his thumb rubs yours gently while his eyes scan your face.
choso grins once he targets another spot, “one more. promise it’s the last one.”
a famous excuse you hear all the time. your lover leans in and his lips attach to the skin between your brows. a delicate kiss that causes your body to shiver in delight. as much as you want to start your day, you also wouldn’t mind staying in bed. especially when choso is being this affectionate.
he pulls back, his tongue darting out lightly to run over his upper lip—from one side to the other. your heart flutters at the sight, your fingers moving his bangs to the side. it reveals that look in choso’s eyes; the yearning one. the one that shows you just how much he loves and craves to touch you.
“hmm,” choso’s voice was raspy. he looks smug with that grin tugging at his lips, but the light pink hue on his cheeks gave him an innocent look as well. “don’t be angry, baby, but. . .”
a silence falls between the two of you. you flutter your eyelashes in response, not knowing what choso is going to confess. his grip on your hand tightens, his other free hand running up to keep your chin upwards, exposing your neck to him.
“i may have lied,” choso mumbles before he buries his head into the crook of your neck.
you squirm a bit. his tongue swipes along your throat, his lips following that same trail. you expected this to happen. no matter how many times choso claims that a kiss would be 'the last one', it never stops there.
“hmph. liar,” you scold, though chuckle right afterwards. you can feel choso smiling against your skin, enjoying the jokey banter between the two of you. he could be a little too playful every now and then. you love it.
the black-haired man never stops his gentle caresses or kisses. he’s absolutely infatuated by you and is not afraid of showing it, “hehe, you can't blame me. you’re just so..”
choso pauses and thinks hard about a word—a word that describes you perfectly. he hums in thought and pulls his head back to look down at you. his eyes meet yours and his heart beats faster at the way you stare at him.
the look you give choso causes him to malfunction a little. he forgets to complete his sentence. instead, he goes for another kiss. on your lips directly.
you let out a small, muffled noise of surprise. your arms encircle his neck instantly to which he responds by squeezing your body tightly against his. the kiss continues for a couple seconds before choso reluctantly pulls away for some air.
his thumb brushes over your bottom lip. his cheeks are redder than before as he leans in close, almost going for another kiss. before his mouth lands on yours again, he completes his earlier sentence with a subtle smirk;
“ . .cute.”
#sttoru writes.#jjk x reader#choso x reader#jjk fluff#jjk x you#jjk x y/n#choso x you#choso x y/n#choso fluff#female reader
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