Spoiler warnings for the Shout Your Heart Out Devilgram but...

for those of you who expected a good romantic romp with Diavolo after being given literally crumbs these last two seasons...

The entire Devilgram is nothing but you third wheeling as Diavolo reads from an entire scroll, in front of an entire audience, how amazing Lucifer is. That's it. That's the story. Dude is literally just listing off every quality Lucifer has and at the very end, all MC is treated with is what essentially feels like to me, a pity kiss.

And considering that NB has significantly decreased in its romance, I couldn't help but feel cheated. Like, who is this for? Clearly, the DiaLuci shippers, but Lucifer behaves so indifferently to Diavolo, that it even drops the ball on that. It especially fucks up the DiaMC moment by having our entire existence in that story serve as a fucking wingman for another character.

I already ranted about this with a few others on Reddit, but the entire Devilgram just left a sour taste in my mouth, and it's gotten to the point where sometimes I can't tell whether Diavolo's obsession with Lucifer is written for laughs or purely romantic, but I'm tired, y'all. I don't even know if it's right to call it queerbaiting or not, but Diavolo says so many off the wall things about Lucifer that it's hard to interpret his feelings as anything less than friendship. Either say the quiet part out loud or stop waisting my emotions in believing these characters actually care about romancing me, seeing as you've been lacking in that aspect for MONTHS.

And I know this sounds so fickle, but as a yumejoshi we rarely get games like this where an MC is non-descriptive with the ability to self insert as we please. Despite what you assume, otome players don't tend to self ship. Most enjoy reading the story seperate from the MC and that's a pretty large sum of people in that fandom. This story is literally a slap in the face to that.

Lilke, tell me the truth, y'all. Am I overreacting? Is it crazy to assume that an otome game, or what advertises itself as an otome game, should focus on the MC and their relationship with the LIs? And if you weren't going to make Diavolo a serious romantic option, then why make him an LI to begin with? Frankly, he was better off as a nondatable because it doesn't even feel like he gives a shit about the MC. At least in the OG game, there was a balance. Now we don't even have that.

Like, fine. Give the people their fanservice, but it just feels shitty that in a game where the point is to romance characters and have them love you, you're treated as an afterthought by the characters you're suppose to be dating.

My twitter rant thread j didnt even read before posting any of this it’s in my personal priv hold on let me get the context photo i started writing before she even opened her MOUTH to elaborate sorry im very passionaye about this

ALL OF THE ABOVE IS FUCKING FRAZY. WHAT THE HELL DO U MEAN U WANT TO WAIT TO GET TO KNOW HIM MORE DO U REALIZE HOW SRUPID THAT SOUNDS THE GARROTH OPTION US STUPID TOO HOW IS HE ETILL IN THE OICTYTR IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM He has been by your side for AS LONG AS HES KNOWN YOU literally every single waking moment he’s spent dedicated to protecting you and making you laugh and Smile and like yeah that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to like him back but to say you want to get to know him more first is fucking insane you know EVERYTHING possibke anout laurance you’ve known him since before he was a shadow night you’ve stayed with him by his bedside while he was blind you saw him change hair and change eyes and become your friend your guard your right hand man he lived with you when the threat of okasis and scaleswind came to light he was the ONLY ONE you could trust when the amulet was discovered while garroth was too busy being brainwashed you two went out and GOT SHIT DONE He’s given his heart out so many times risked his life loo ked after malachi been a shoulder to lean on im dead seriois when i say NO ONE ELSE in this entire series has done this much for aphmau like even in the stupid non canon short stories you can See how much he cares and values her so much more than just a love interest but a friend he’s always cared and remembered small insignificant things about her when NO ONE else did like that fall was her favorite season or that she really liked mash potatoes when he found out garroth had a crush on her he literally tried to help SO MANY TIMES FULLY KNOWING!!!!!what it would mean if his attempts actually worked like he is not a jealous person thats the whole point of the SPEEL HE GAVE TO GARROTH IN THE IRENE DIMENSION laurwnfe is completely willing to give his own chance of a romantic relationship up in exchange of helping his friend he says in the beginning of season two i think like oh even if you do get with someone else i know you don’t love me just please let me stay by your side CAFENZA SAYS IT TOO he’s always putting aside his own happiness to see aphmau happy and yeah that’s really sad and unhealthy but watching his light hearted character slowly be warped into one whose jealous and impulsive and puts his own judgement in the moment above the safety of others is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of everything he stands for oughhhhthat just makes me mad and c aphmau is a BITCH for acting like shes in the middle of this super crazy unexplainable situation while all of this is happening like WTF R U TALKING ABOUT I want to wait to get to know him more WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO KNOW????????GENIUENLY LIKE AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE and WHY is garroth still in the roster am i crazy for not getting that either HOW CAN USERUOUSLT BE CONSIDERING THE MAN WHO IS SO INSECURE HE ISOLATED HIMSELF ABANDONED YOU AND YOUR VILLAGE AS HEAD!!!GUARD!!!!! All bc he thought you got with laurance WHICH SHE LITERALLY DID BTW but thays besides the point garroth has ACCEPTED he can’t be with aphmau and to bring the whole catalyst of the s1 finale back a quarter into the next season is weird especially when it wasn’t acknowledged while the situation itself was happening Dragging garroth back as a love interest was weird to me i geniuenly dont get it but maybe tbats bc im really bias?????? Maybe i don’t see something here but idk i think the whole game laurance is waiting to play when garroth is saved is weird and not a situation aphmau should be allowing like girl stand up😭 Why is she agreeing to wait for garroth to see “who she chooses” do u realize how fucking insane that sounds i don’t know if i’m explaining this jna way that makes sense ok im tired of writing this BRING OLD LAURMAU BACK🔥🔥🔥🔥

more malec livewatch, everyone! i decided to start making the posts separately instead of keeping reblogging the same one over and over because i don’t want to drive everyone crazy with that gigantic fucking post. you can read the first ones here and i’ll keep updating the posts to lead to the next ones i guess. also im tagging it malec livewatch for those who want to avoid this nonsense

so let’s brave pre-wedding episode 12 i guess

oh boy.... we’re gonna do it... we’re gonna experience the Maximum Cringe

the special effects are so BAD odaijsdoaj when he summons the wine into Alec’s hand it’s just...... god

“we never finished our conversation” i mean you were the one who finished it magnus so wtf are you going on about

“it’s about family, tradition, honor” yeah we get it zuko boi duoahsiudhdiusa

really tho like he’s so clearly just.... reciting it. taking some shit out off the top of his head about how it’s the right thing and it’s sad tbh

he clearly kinda already has a script too? like “you and I understand marriage very differently” he says it right off the bat, he’s been thinking it over and hghgghgh

magnus goes near alec and alec swallows immediately and magnus ain’t even making a move to touch him yet. just diuahsdah it’s so obvious how hard he’s trying to hold back here

“you’re confusing me” is like the only thing he says the whole scene that sounds genuine

he’s paying so much attention to magnus’ dumb little speech about what love feels like too like. he’s trying to hold back but he’s very clearly pulled in, and i don’t even think it’s by magnus specifically (i mean obviously cuz have you seen him) but because he... kind of wants to hear it, kind of wants magnus to give him some golden argument that will make his whole resolution shatter. except he doesn’t because he doesn’t know what he’ll do then, but he’s still hoping for something and it’s sad

like how magnus clearly pauses like he’s waiting for alec’s reaction too, like. alec makes to leave and magnus doesn’t go after him, but he speaks, and alec stops. only when alec stops he gets closer. only when alec looks at him, clearly waiting to hear more, does he begin to talk again. i dig that even if most of this scene is kinda ugh to me

i hate how he uses his magic tho like what’s the point?? like yes i know that magic “can’t create feelings” but still dauhdsa it kinds feels like he’s cheating or trying to manipulate alec or something and i’m.. not into how the whole thing is done

oof hate how alec says “this is all just a game to you, isn’t it?” like bitch you know damn well it’s not like he’s putting himself at risk and showing you so much vulnerability and i hate how he goes for the whole “oh magnus doesn’t care about anything he’s just a seductive lothario” narrative in here lowkey. like i know he’s just trying to distance himself and he doesn’t fully believe it but... aaaaa i hate it

and he’s so HURT by alec’s words too like the rejection doesn’t hurt him as much as hearing alec say that he just flirts and it means nothing to him does. he’s trying so fucking hard to be open and honest and taking such a RISK (psychological, emotional, even physical) and alec is just throwing all of that bullshit persona he’s actively trying not to hide behind in his face, belittling all his efforts and feelings, and aaa

like again i don’t really blame alec but he truly is so hurt

still wonder what alec was about to say when he turned around to talk to him and magnus wasn’t there anymore tbh like. probably something else to try and distance himself so it’s probably good magnus left and isn’t there to hear it and it kind of forces alec to really think it over to himself instead of trying to argue but...... i do wonder what he was going to say diahsiduahdisah

magnus doesn’t even answer the whole “this means nothing to you” veiled accusation which.... also hurts like idk if he’s trying to avoid a fight or derailing like alec clearly is trying to, or if he just is too tired to have this argument, or if he just doesn’t want to open up this much, but either way he doesn’t acknowledge it except for his hurt look and oof

no one cares about jace and clary talking or whatever’s happening here next

i had never noticed the way magnus winks at clary when he says “oh, it’s happy hour somewhere, my dear” daishdaiuh it’s kinda cute tbh

hodge is so uncomfortable like the way he talks to magnus and gets too close to him... in a way that he doesn’t with anyone else either like he’s clearly just lowkey despising him/getting into his space and magnus notices too and it gives me the heebie jeebies

diuhaiudsahduaishdai magnus’ IMMEDIATE reaction of “why is ragnor fell there, he’s not more powerful than me” asohdaiudha we stan bickering bffs i truly love them so much

“he’s older than you” “certainly not wiser” daiohsahda

i think he might also be lowkey trying to protect ragnor and take the clave’s attention away from him now that i think about it but still i love their bickering

nah that’s cancelled he immediately rats him out on having been jocelyn’s profesor lmaoo

“that’s why he hasn’t been responding to my fire messages” daoihdsaiohads someone needs to lick their wounds

he’s just like “oh ragnor is hiding in his specific safehouse outside of london” like daoiusduaihdasuda love how he just knows that off the top of his head when ragnor clearly didn’t actually tell him about it since he just fucked off and hasn’t been responding

“didn’t know you were here” “that was the point” doaiuhdasiouhdaiuhdas

like i know he’s talking about the marriage but also.... just mood in general tbh

again with the eye flickering. hes looking at magnus, no hes not, yeah he is, haha SIKE, oh there it is again, nope it’s gone..... kinda funny cuz like i know that alec’s eyes flicker a lot in general but afterwards when they are together every time he looks at magnus it’s just so pointed and intense and focused on him so the contrast of watching the s1 scenes and realizing how little his glances at magnus always lasted is... interesting and heartbreaking. like obviously he doesn’t want to be looking at any man for too long, doesn’t want to take that risk, keeps hyper aware of his attraction at all times, but he still can’t help the glances and then when he can look he just does it so unapologetically and intensely and you can tell that it’s just. intimate to him (to both of them really) right then, and wow

i know we talk a lot about alec’s Big Hands but magnus’ hands are so nice too in like a totally different way... anytime he holds anything it just looks like he’s treating it like it’s precious, it’s so delicate and careful and his hands are smooth and pretty and wow i love him so fucking much

wow can’t believe nothing heartbreaking at all happens when they go to ragnor’s house and that ragnor just winks at magnus like “haha yes i am ‘dead’” and magnus is like “yes, this is a lie and a ruse and also a plan. i am perfectly aware that ragnor is not dead at all”

ragnor says “my dear friend, i will always be here for you” with so much honesty and love and ugh i love them like they’re always little bitches to each other but they still have the room to be perfectly loving and honest with each other and i stan

ragnor looks at magnus with so much fucking hurt when magnus says “i prayed she would love me the same” like you can tell it destroys him to even remember it or think about it and aaa

“he was always so much better looking than you” and the way magnus purses his lips in what is clearly a smile like he just knows it’s the teasing and he loves ragnor and their dynamic and i just daouhdsauida also he’s so beautiful boy i die

the way ragnor says “someday, someone will come and will tear down those walls you put around you and around your heart” and magnus looks at him with so much. fucking PAIN in his eyes because someone did but it got nowhere and in the end alec just kind of acknowledged his walls again and went back to pretending that it never happened and that magnus didn’t progress or open up to it at all, that magnus was just lying, that it’s just a game and dauhdaiudha god he’s so HURT

again i owe harry shum jr my entire life like he might be seriously the best actor i’ve ever seen in any show, he’s so damn expressive and talented in every little motion he’s truly a pearl in the desert of shit that is this show

“even in death, you give the best advice” ugh love how this really cements that magnus is used to opening up to ragnor and even with their bickering there’s so much room for them to be emotionally honest like we stan

anyway sure wish this had any emotional continuity whatsoever but at least the cringefest is over. onto an actual good scene fucking finally

love every little detail about this scene as yall probably already know so i’ll try not to point every single one of them out yet again but who knows if i’ll succeed. i bet that i won’t tbh

love the contrast between alec looking so tense when lydia comes down the aisle and she’s like all smiles and shit

she’s before him and he can barely look at her like his eyes flicker a bit between her and the bouquet and he settles on the bouquet this whole thing is so... wrong so clearly, like i could show it to someone who doesn’t know shit about sh and they would be able to tell that nothing fits

even alec’s clothes are weird, like idk i don’t understand fashion but his look looks so disjointed, like the blazer doesn’t really match the pants, the bowtie looks weird and doesn’t match the buttons, and shit and nothing about him looks like it’s in the right place. and everyone else (except maybe izzy who also looks miserable lmao) looks like a perfect picture and he’s just.... idk there’s this aura of wrongness around him that’s subtle but really well done in the terms of costume and shit. the costume department really went off in this whole scene honestly like we stan. possibly the only ones other than the actors who knew what the fuck they were doing lmao

when lydia smiles at izzy and izzy barely moves up the corner of one of her lips dajdasnjdan she looks even more miserable than alec does and god i love the lightwood siblings so much like i truly do. she’s supporting him because she’s decided she’s not going to keep pushing him when it only leads to him not trusting her but she’s all broken that he’s broken, and she was willing to take his place and throw her life away even when that’s everything she’s always tried to avoid, just so he wouldn’t have to do this, and aaaaa

who cares about jace and clary looking at each other @directing team like seriously get over this

he turns in the direction of the silent brother in an almost kind of jerking motion like he completely forgot about where he was supposed to go or something, like again he’s just... not in it

they are holding hands in the WEIRDEST possible way too like there’s so much distance between them it’s almost funny ldaojsja

he tries to smile at lydia when she’s about to put the rune on his arm like he knows she knows that he’s hating this and he’s just bearing it and trying to not make her uncomfortable? like doajdsaoj

the way that magnus INTERRUPTS not just the wedding but also the chorus, you could tell there was a crescendo coming even if you’ve never heard the song, but magnus pushes the doors open and suddenly it stops and there’s this little bit and then the “tututututu” of tension as he comes into view and his steps perfectly match the three little beats that were already there before, but sound so much louder and more prominent like a heartbeat, like before they were muffled and now they’re real??? the poetic cinema bro

ill just never get over the way they used song here it sounds like an AMV like the song isn’t just giving the vibe, they are telling the story THROUGH the song and the whole scene is basically a coreography, and the song is the narrative, and holy shit i love it so much could you imagine if they had used this amount of thought and genius and clever storytelling the whole show?? i’d shit myself

ugh the DRAMA of magnus’ look again i KNOW i’ve been over this again and again and again and again and again and again but i just. i love how they used his makeup & costume to accentuate magnus’ 1- face, 2- eyes, 3- jaw, and 4- adam’s apple. the whole focus is on his face and eyes (which again so expressive we stan harry shum jr in this house), the fact that his eyes are his WARLOCK MARK (yeah they’re not out but like we’re still drawing attention to the part of magnus he tries to hide the most, and the part of him that marks what makes him disdainful to shadowhunters), the fact that his jaw and adam’s apple are so prominent. his whole face looks really sharp and masculine you know?? like the whole focus is on everything about him that’s supposed to be “wrong” and make malec “wrong” but he’s never looked more beautiful (IT’S SUCH AN UNDERRATED LOOK) and they didn’t sacrifice his gnc-ness for it either, on the contrary, they gave his hair the hot pink streak which. INSPIRED WE STAN, and the makeup is very clear (again esp around his eyes) which of course only adds to it because he’s not just a man, he’s a gnc man and that makes it “worse”, but also like, i like how they accentuated his masculinity in alec’s coming out scene, without sacrificing his identity and gender non conformness. again the costume department is the only one who genuinely knew what they were doing 100% of the time i hope they all got big fucking checks

alec just blinks and focuses on him and it’s the first time it looks like he’s really looking at something and i just wow

izzy is so happy to see magnus there :) she loves her brother so much :)

magnus holding up two fingers to get people to shut up... the way he snarls “maryse, this is between me and your son” with so much certainty and like no room for bullshit he’s so good at making shadowhunters too speechless to stop him and honestly im such a whore tbh if he did this to me id just nut on the spot. shut me up daddy. fuck who said that

like how they included the “i’ll leave if he asks me to” and how he really doesn’t say anything, he’s just standing there, like they made sure to make this scene respectful and i was kind of dreading it the first time because i’d HATE it if magnus had outed him or made this whole drama out of it but he didn’t and i like that so so much

“i thought we were doing the right thing, but... this isn’t it” always gets me and i can’t even put my finger on why. it just does like again this is not really about magnus or their relationship, it’s about how he feels about the whole thing, everything that he’s giving up and he barely knows what for anymore, and i justjfianfajf

again the BRILLIANCE of the song usage the way that he’s talking to lydia and the beat is so damn loud and overwhelming and then as soon as he turns to magnus everything just drowns out and there is one (1) piano note and it’s just him and magnus and it’s like everything silences??? he’s just so damn focused and it’s not the nervousness and loudness of everyone else and their whole audience (they don’t even show the audience anymore after alec turns to him for real and before the actual kiss i don’t think) and there’s just that sharp focus and certainty because alec’s made up his mind and there’s no sound anymore like mwaaahhh poetic cinEMA

and it’s just that moment of clarity as they both look at each other and the song begins again with the higher tempo again, but it feels more like, a march? than that overwhelming noise. and of course there’s the singing and it feels like everything has purpose and is just laser focused and it’s still intense but in a completely opposite way, not lost but found and wow im such a whORE for this scene it’s unbelievable

like how alec takes the first step towards magnus after he’s down the stairs exactly as the song goes “want” like mwaahhhhh brilliance amazing talented showstopping spectacular never been done before completely unique,

his “enough” is dajksdfahidasdhadusahuash again im a simple sub id nut

i was right they only really show the audience again after the kiss. except for maryse but even then it’s so quick, we see her going to alec and after alec says “enough” she literally doesn’t show anymore it’s like she’s not even there, she just disappears it’s so sexy we stan??? like again alec’s made up his mind and nothing else is there to stop him wow love that for him could you imagine thinking this man is shy and insecure? can’t relate

THEY ARE SKIGGNISNGG

FOREVER A WHORE FOR THE WAY MAGNUS CHASES AFTER HIM HOLY FUCKING SHIT. THE WAY HE’S SO LOST IN THE KISS, IN THE ELATION, AND HE JUST CAN’T HELP GOING FOR MORE BEFORE HE CAN STOP HIMSELF AND KEEP UP WITH HIS TIGHT COMPOSTURE (because magnus had barely moved once alec had seen him, he just stood there and waited like he was waiting for his cue, he was holding himself perfectly steadily and just had so many walls) LIKE HE JUST CAN’T HELP BUT WANT?? AND GO FOR MORE?? AND THEN HE REALIZES ALEC IS PULLING AWAY AND HE LOOKS AT HIM FOR A SECOND (and his eyes look so DIFFERENT, not like there’s a wall there, he looks relieved and happy and even kind of dazed and i just wow the difference is SO clear) AND ALEC LOOKS AT HIM AND HE TAKES JUST A FRACTION OF A SECOND BEFORE HE LEANS IN AGAIN, AND IT’S THE FIRST TIME THAT MAGNUS HAS ASKED FOR MORE AND ALEC’S GIVEN IT, BECAUSE ALEC HAS BEEN GIVING HIM SOME OPENINGS BUT EVERY TIME MAGNUS WANTED MORE HE TURNED AWAY, BUT THIS TIME HE FUCKING GIVES MAGNUS WHAT HE’S SILENTLY ASKING FOR, HE’S CHOOSING HIM FULLY AND NOT JUST ENOUGH FOR THEM TO BE ABLE TO BE TOGETHER, HE’S CHOOSING TO GO ALL IN AND KISS MAGNUS UNTIL HE’S SATISFIED AND HOLY SHIT THE POETIC CINEMA!! THE TALENT!!! THE BRILLIANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU SHADOWHUNTERS CREW FOR PUTTING UP YOUR FIVE TOTAL BRAINCELLS TOGETHER TO MAKE THIS FANTASTIC THING HAPPEN HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS SCENE IS EVERYTHING TO ME 

a bitch needs to lie down i think that’s all for today

next part

Ep. 9&10: “I’m just--------peeing quite frankly” - Madi

Steven

Was I entertained by this tribal and Julia playing her idol? Yes I very much was. Was I about to simultaneously puke and cry at the same time? Yes. Yes I was. Can this game have one single ounce of something that wont make me go into tears.

Anastasia

We are so dumb and stupid and dumb and stupid. I dont know why we would all vote for one person?? ESPEVIALLU if the person knows they are going and especially if that person is julia and shes already rlly good at lying. we were all blinded by our mutual force to get her out and we didnt think it out heck frick. sorry moth this is so unfair. moth was trying to get julia out the most bcs julia targetted moth last season. why julia has a thing against moth in this game? i dont know!! anyway we have to get that girl out next round and we will split vote pls it has to happen we cant give up she has to go

Madi

im just--------peeing quite frankly

go off julia, you did that, props to you

Raffy

Julia playing that idol is the best and most iconic play in this game thus far. The dramatics of the fight to ensure that all the votes landed on her? Keeping the people who she knew would get skittish and snake-ish so she has a higher chance of staying next round? Literally, this all works in her favor. To be honest, I don't even want Julia gone at this point. I want someone like Ginnifer or Rachel gone for future security. Sure Julia will eventually snake me, but keep your enemies close and all that.

Ginnifer admitted ON CALL that she almost voted for Steven WHEN STEVEN WAS THERE. She also wanted an alliance with Julia, Madi, Steven, and I in the same call! Then, DeNara gets on call and Ginnifer ADMITS to wanting to create an alliance without her. I'm just kind of shook. Why would I want to work with Ginnifer anyways if she's been targeting me since the swap? There's no reason to other than being chaotic. Then, Julia transitions to pitching with working with her! And Madi is calling her out! This after-tribal call is a mess. But, now the target is fully off of me. Mwahahaha. These people???

Ginny

Moth was idoled out yikes but I tried to make a new alliance but it failed

Steven

Im trying to figure out what Ginny's logic is. First you say that you wanna target all the winners cause we are the biggest threats in the game. Then you tell me TO MY FACE after a wild tribal that you almost voted for me to leave tonight. Even after all that you then turn around and try to align yourself with the winners that you were just targeting to spice it up???????? Im sorry but Im not following this.

Julia

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1AxVD3qWAkVmL_7fWiHERvNIg9VkKFS1W/view?usp=drivesdk

Raffy

According to DeNara, Elle wants to create an alliance with DeNara, Steven, and I. This could be a good back up alliance for the time being. Additionally, it gives us more numbers on our side if we ever need to turn on Gian and Madi. However, I don't want to do that anytime soon. They are great allies to have. Plus, they are able to think and are going after Julia. So, it should all work in my favor. I love being able to slip by each tribal with my target not being shot. I am thinking of throwing this challenge so Ginny can get the yeet though.

Madi

hi its madi and im being messy did I just text DeNara and ask her to be in a tighter alliance with me bc its gonna get to the point where the winners have to go? have I been reinforcing since the merge to anastasia that we are working together and that shes my partner in this game? did I just say “partner to partner” to anastasia that we should start an all girls alliance? did I also ask denara? me, denara, anastasia, rachel, and elle? rachel wont talk to me tho:( bc I “lied” so thats a speed bump denara also thinks she is the only one I told ab this and when I asked if we should tell anastasia she said that anastasia is a “blabber mouth” so “not yet”??????? am I fucking up my game? idkkk come back tomorrow thank the lords I have an idol if this blows up in my face???

DeNara

That awkward moment when you don't remember what your confessionals say anymore and you are repeating yourself a lot lol

Steven

https://youtu.be/2NGxkNjrGdk

DeNara

Soooo after Moth got voted out and Ginnifer decided to go a little crazy and try and make new alliances without us, Elle and I have decided to jump ship on the Lucky Charms alliance. She suggested talking to Steven and Raffy which was a great idea. I talked to them and they said they would be down with that so we are going to make a new alliance when Elle brings it up.

TEA. Steven and Raffy want to stick with our alliance of 5 with Madi and Gian because they trust them but Madi messaged me today saying she wanted to make a tighter alliance with me so we can eventually take out the winners. I am not sure if I should tell Steven and Raffy this or not yet, as it could end up worse for me if I do....

DeNara

You know, I should give myself more credit in this game. I have played the middle so well this season so far. I have an alliance with literally everyone in this game except Julia and Anastasia and Anastasia tells me things when I ask her lol I think I can do well in this game if I play my cards right.

DeNara

Oooooh so I made an alliance chat with Raffy, Steven and Elle. Sounds like we are gonna try and get Ginnifer out before Julia now. I did tell Julia I would try and spare her a round since she didn't vote me out o.O

Elle

✨A New Alliance Has Been Formed✨Me, DeNara, Steven, and Raffy ^_^ Which is great bc I trust DeNara, and I feel really good about Steven and Raf (I don't think?? they would betray us 😂but I am not sure of anything anymore lol ahhhh the post merge paranoia is real) I also feel really good about this challenge. I get to work on my layout designs for the magazine me and Madi are working on which is great! I don't know why I always worm in something I want to be practicing into these challenges lol, probs bc I'm prone to being like "I'll get right on that!" and then... not 😂 so the challenges are good excuses. I also would have Loved to make a tarot deck like the example ugh that seems so cool 😭

DeNara

So I told Raffy and Steven about Madi bringing up a potential tighter alliance and I regret it. I feel like that was something I should have kept to myself Stevenhttps://youtu.be/dWdKo0iuaV4

Raffy

DeNara created an alliance with Elle, Steven, and I. Steven and DeNara still don't want to tell Gian and Madi about it. Ok I guess. If they find out though, I am throwing DeNara under that bus so fast. Secondly, it seems Elle wants to target Ginnifer as well this round. I love ur impact. Now, we just need two more votes. One of them being Julia. The others possibly Gian and Madi if I can convince them. Rachel and Anatasia would probably still target Julia. I am trying to not obviously throw this challenge.

Gian

The way I ate Steven up on this lip sync. It was so fun to do! Im really happy we did this challenge :)

Elle

The judges are judging🎶 (to the tune of "The Lady's Improving" from The Prom) Anyway, I just want to preface that the first ad was supposed to be the only like, purposefully kinda bad layout in the magazine 😂 I was low on time and I regretted the color palette, it was way too saturated but Madi and I had agreed on it and I didn't want to be more annoying than I was already being about the magazine 😅. Also, I need to remember people read these afterward 😂 I'm incredibly bad at not just spewing whatever is in my mind sometimes, I feel like I might've overshared a couple of times but it happens! This probably counts as oversharing bc it's not about gameplay... yes okay back on topic I hope we win, if we don't I'll be okay I'll just be ticked at myself for staying up past 2AM but realistically if I didn't hyperfocus on that it'd be something else 🤷🏽‍♀️ atleast this was productive, I got to work on layouts a little (I mean technically I got quite a few layouts but so many are baddd 😭😭😭 like if a professor saw some of these they'd faint and then kick me out of graphic design lmao). But the point wasn't for it to be professional, so it's okay!!!!! I'm telling myself that so I don't go back and fix everything lol.

Raffy

The plan as of right now is to target both Ginnifer and Julia. Personally, I want Ginnifer out because she has been a very chaotic mess since the merge started. I would rather want that gone now rather than later when we no longer have the chance. I made the plan to split the vote 4-4 against Ginnifer and Julia. DeNara, Steven, Elle, and I (the secret alliance hidden from Gian's and Madi's view) will vote for Ginnifer. Gian and Madi know about this. They, along with Anastasia and Rachel, will vote for Julia. So, it should not matter who either of them vote for. However, it would be nice if they could vote each other. This plan does come with its risks though. I am willing to take those risks. And, if I get a bad smell, I will use my SWP to get out of the sticky situation.

DeNara

Well. Today is tribal day. I have been feeling worn down so much the past couple days and part of me just wants to be carried by others for a while. On the other hand, part of me feels like it might be time to make a big move soon because that is how you win. If Julia is still here after the vote tonight, then I feel like I just need to team up with her because clearly she needs to be blindsided. The lack of chatter has me worried.....like why is nobody talking??? Is it because they have all teamed up and are plotting against one of my alliances, or are they just tired and busy like me? I am not sure... I am suspicious that Julia hasn't really been talking. I know she said she had personal stuff going on but who knows if that is all of it, or just part of it. I am feeling the desire to flip on my alliance soon. Idk if I will because I feel tight with Steven and he plays loyal, but if I told him about Madi wanting to flip on the winners soon I may be able to do something... I kind of want to start actually lying to people, like... full blown lies... muahahaha! We shall see what happens if I am not blindsided tonight.

Raffy

DeNara is so paranoid. This is what she told me: "I am pretty nervous about Julia teaming up with some ppl and making a play tonight. Should we come up with some crazy lie just to scare her? I am not sure what we could say, but I am feeling nervous about her?" Like, do you want to become the target? Doing that is a surefire way of becoming one. Everyone is BUSY. They're DOING things. The situation only becomes dire later on in the day. There's no reason to be doing all this when there is still time to discuss tribal. I might just dip because I am not going to get punished for DeNara being paranoid. Like, if Julia wanted to target us, she would have already done so. DeNara is just... very taxing to work with because she thinks that everyone is against her. I feel like I needed to talk her down from making a move that would have certainly gotten her voted out.

Ginny

Ohhh girl I’m scared tonight I better not get blindsided because Lordy I got it when moth left and I wasn’t prepared whooo Jesus

DeNara

So I have been talking to Elle a bunch and someone told her about the split vote between Ginny and Julia. I am trying to play as though she is the one giving me this information, even though I helped plan it. I actually am feeling really close with Elle and hoping I can get far with her. I might make her my real number one with Steven. I like Steven a lot but I am worried he won't turn on Raffy when it is time. Raffy keeps getting a little frustrtaed with how hard I am trying to play this game (which is fair) so he may have to go after Julia and Ginny. I am getting concerned about these newbies though. We should take one of them out soon to even out the numbers. Also, I have been trying to get idol hunt information from as many people as I can and I remembered that Gian got an advantage during a game, so I am trying to get him to tell me what number it was since he didn't add it to our group chart

Anastasia

Me and Julia were paired together for the challenge. Since we're trying to get that girl out I didn't want to win. I was a little worried that somehow ours would win but we got second to last. Julia was sadly going through stuff in real life and struggled. It's good for me but I sympathize with her.. Anyway Julia is out of here tonight.

Julia

Ok so last tribal was so sexy the looks on everyone’s faces are now burned into my brain

Julia

I’m really hoping it’s Ginny tonight. I’m going to try to pull out some shit and hope and pray put nothings in my hands tonight

Rachel

i am so happy to be playing with such nice people. i really do be getting in my own head sometimes, but it is so nice to be reassured that i am playing a fun game and no one feels ill will towards me in anyway. i feel awesome to be supported by this group. i had a tragic event happen in my life this week, but plan to move forward and try to have the most fun while playing in his honor.

Julia

I’m at tribal right now and I feel like I’m going to puke. It’s definitely me. It’s been a ride friends. Julia out

Madi

So I got immunity, Julia went home. Sad but necessary. I really respect her as a player and would love to work with her sometime but just not this game. Also kinda annoyed that raffy called me out at tribal during the revote..... like yeah I came up with the revote but why call my name out for it???? like what is the deal with that. He is my next target tho so like hehehehe raffy its time to go. I am thinking we convince him ginny is going home and blindside him instead??? idk just thoughts

goodnight!

DeNara

So we just voted Julia out and I am actually sad about it. I am glad the threat is gone, but she was fun for sure. Now my alliance of 5 is standing strong, if I stay loyal...

Raffy

R.I.P. Julia, Queen of the Idol. The plan went off without a hitch which is pretty boring, but it means I have a lot of control in this game. I am excited for Touchy Subjects as it will be a very revealing challenge. If I had my choice, a newbie or Ginnifer would get voted out next.

Gian

My game is borderline UTR/Goat at this point and idk if that’s something I’d want to change lol. I’ve been feeling lazy >-<

comission for a really nice girl. this is the last productive thing i did in 2020. felt good, it was also very stressful, since the energy to do it kinda came and went, by the time i had to print i was completely drained. haven’t even delivered physical copy. this was due December 26. im just so fucking tired all the time.

2021 so far has been very unproductive. this morning i woke up and i had no meds left. i had lost my wallet a few days ago and had been avoiding looking for it bcos of the big mess in my room. everything i’ve done since the 30th is watch tv and overeat. (i had an eating disorder or have i don’t know i haven’t addressed it in any of my therapies since i started 6 months ago) but its eating away at me atm. i am triggered everytime i shower and change clothes because im not fitting correctly in them, or at least i think im not, idk. eating and watching tv isnt helping.

this morning i realized how dependant i am and probably will forever be of my meds. it was annoying to find myself in that situation. i couldn’t risk an episode for being lazy. so i got up and searched for my wallet. sounds so small, but it felt sooooo heavy. i found it, ordered my meds, and went back to sleep. the panic i felt as i saw myself medicine-less was very unsetteling. what if i can’t pay for them in the future, what then? i dont know it felt weird. to not be able to just skip a day or two without getting all screwed up in the head. in the end i got them and i took them. and im still screwing myself up overthinking the fact that i NEED meds. what the hell. i just dont understand why. and also i dont understand why some people say happiness is a choice. i dont know which part of myself i must connect to in order to NOT need meds. is that shit even real? is it even possible, to somehow spiritually holistically cure or manage bipolar? i dont see that happening. this disorder is impregnated within me, do i have to change who i am and who i have been to not have it? thats bullshit. idk i guess i shouldnt have watched the netflix series spinning out. i hadnt been thinking about my disorder for a while now. but i was bored on friday looking for something to watch and i found that show. i watched it bcos it was about skating, which i love. and then to my surprise, there are two bipolar characters. and honestly it was SO triggering. not the fact that they were bipolar but people’s reactions to it. and also, the own character’s perception of the disorder. it was just all so wrong, and unhealthy and triggering as fuck. i think i’ve been kind of aaangry since i watched that. maybe thats why i feel uneasy. i found it unbelievable but people like the ones on that show actually do exist. people who call us crazy. and to call us that... i just find THAT crazy. absolutely crazy. anyway, i just needed to vent a little. its been a while since i’ve used my online diary. im sad theres nothing chronological or organized about this post, or even a point to it, or conclusion. but thats exactly how i feel right now. aaaaall over the fucking place. 🤷‍♀️

also my emotional support puppy has been unlearning her potty training because the other dogs in my house do whatever they want when they want where they want. so now she has adopted that all over my room. i wake up every day stepping on peee and smelling poop first thing in the morning. its been a disaster. she’s peeing on her own bed. and i understand shes only 3 months old, but she had it all mastered i swear. its only now shes acting rebellious. and i love her i do, but its heavyyyy to have to deal with that too. im already dealing with myself trying not to feel so frustrated all the time but she’s making that hard on me too. but i guess i’d rather have that than feel alone.

anyhow. thats it for now. i hope things do get better.

—MOONSUN