#at like 80k now. i am mentally ill
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jucant remember what i wrote last. nothing interesting hs happened anyway. work has been ok, people are ok but always want to have lunch with me and i would prefer to eat it alone. i had a pasta on friday because i thought yolo and it was pretty good. other than that life has been okay. d has been annoying but with work i dont have to see her as often - only on weekends really. which is nice. although still very very annoying. i feel like i am doing a bit better mentally, not having that constantly nagging at me or criticising me. im able to go and get some relief, even though work is boring af.
i have a job interview on tuesday and it pays 76-80k! which will be the first time ive been able to be in a $$ category that big. i forgot to mention t has almost been as bad as d.. he just throws me under the bus all the time. and is a jerk. he has been trying to cause conflict. he also doesn thave a job. apparently at the end of the month but i thought it ws the 6th. which means all his bs will come back onto me. i hope he doesnt stay home. well i hope i win lotto tonight and can move out. i looked at rental prices to see if i could finally move out with my 80k which is 60 taxed, nope!! everything is 700+ and its not even that good. in other news nothing has happened haha but like i was saying my mind has been ok... without these 2. imagine if i had my own place, i would be excelling. work i have been putting myself out there and speaking to new people. no one has called me quiet at all. would love to win 20k for 20 years. i would wake up, make myself breakfast, go for a walk, maybe work out as well. start writing. have lunch or go somewhere and have lunch. come back, have a nice long bath relax, watch tv, have dinner, watch some more tv or read and relax and sleep. life would be really nice. i am trying to think, after this is done if i do get the 80k job do i keep it for a year or 2 and then just go do something like take a year off work and relax the fuck out. it was my plan all along before when i was on cetnre i was like ill work for a year and then ill take a year off.. write.. enjoy. now you cant get any kind of rental anyway so its kind of impossible. but maybe down south or something. i just know i am more than these meaningless jobs. i know i ccan be a successful writer i just need to give myself the opportunity to do so. i cant do it on weekends because i need to relax, these people drive me nuts.
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LIFE CYCLE OF MASSIVE STARS | A CAMP NANO 2021 (RE)-INTRO
CONTENT WARNINGS: death of a parent, classism, anti-autistic ableism, mental illness, trauma, light adult content (nothing explicit)
Genre: literary fiction, contemporary, new adult, ?????, who knows :)
POV: third person present, split POV
Setting: Sheffield, UK. 2020 but i am simply pretending there is no pandemic
Camp Nano Goal: 15,000
Deals With: parental trauma, death, sexuality + gender identity, anti-autistic ableism, classism, complicated family dynamics, the “help i’m in my last year of university and i don’t know what i’m fucking doing or who i am” mood, chloe talks shit about the uk + uk gov for ~80k words straight
The Vibes: rainy days, empty streets at night, libraries at 3am, house parties you shouldn’t be at, misty mornings, highlighter stains, cheap alcohol, city skylines, countryside views, going to big tesco/aldi just to feel something :(
Summary: Thomas’ father died over summer and he doesn’t know how to tell his housemates. Instead, he hides in the IC library or the Botanical Gardens or West Street clubs and decides that he is a blank canvas, and that his trauma can stay with his family in Rotterdam. (it’s not that easy)
Kristen likes to pretend that Uni will last forever. He likes to pretend a lot of things: that nobody will look at him differently when they learn he’s autistic, that people will understand his relationship with gender, that his family isn’t hiding secrets from him about his mother. (it’s not that easy)
Junie thought coming out would come with all the answers. But she only has new questions: what does “lesbian” mean for her? Who is she beyond that? How does she find her place in amongst people who experience the world so differently to her? (it’s not that easy)
Literal Logline: girl help i am still attached to OCs i made in 2013-2016
So if you’ve been following me a while (I say as my blog is only seven months old), you may remember a little wip I introduced here named Patchwork, a new adult novel that dealt with the messy experience that is trying to figure out what it means to be an adult when you’re plunged into the fast-paced adult world of university. That story has always been very close to my heart but it was difficult to progress on because:
I was working on it whilst going through ~the worst time of my life at university~. My second year was already awful before the pandemic started, and the pandemic just made it worse, and since this story is so inherently connected to my own experiences at university I couldn’t work on it whilst dealing with all of that. I’m currently taking the year off until things calm down and I think it’s the perfect chance to sit back and reflect on those experiences, and I think writing this novel would help
I simply was not ready for it! Drafting Revelations, Revelations has really refreshed my perception on novels because it’s taught me that I suit slow-paced, plot-light, discovery written novels the best and the original plan for this novel was way too plot heavy because I thought that’s what I had to do. But it’s not!
But! Whilst this novel and myself needed a lot of growth before I could think about drafting it, I’m at a point where I do feel ready to return to it. I think drafting Revelations, Revelations especially has given me the confidence I needed because I! Really tried to hard to give a heavy plot to this novel initially and I’ve since realised that I work best with slower novels that are really just a snapshot of people’s lives and their emotional growth. I also am at a point where, whilst I know not being there is the best thing right now, I miss University so so so much and I miss pre-pandemic University like I miss lecture halls and cafes and house parties and library all nighters so much it’s unreal!! This novel is practically a love letter to the year I lost as well as calling out the absolutely awful way the UK government has treated University students both before and during this pandemic. I was actually originally going to set this in the pandemic, because I think there are so many conversations that need to be had about the handling of it in this country but I also don’t think I am Ready for that (and I really just want my characters to be able to go outside lol). I think Camp Nano is the perfect kickstart to actually work on this novel because I now know just need to start writing rather than worry about ~plot~ - my plan is to just pants the fuck out of 15000 words and see where the story goes! I probably won’t return to it until I finish drafting Revelations, Revelations, but I appreciate the chance to get a head start + a little break from RR that I think will be needed by April
The biggest and most important change going into this however is: all three protagonists are autistic! I see a lot of posts about how to write autistic characters on here, but I think I’ve only seen one or two stories that actually had an autistic protagonist (if you have a contemporary and/or literary wip with one please please tag me in it! I really want more autistic rep and I want autistic rep from non autistic people too) and, as an autistic, I decided that I Will Simply Create It. All three characters have their own unique relationship with their autism and I am super excited to have a story that can explicitly navigate that whilst it’s not all the story is about, it is an important element as it shapes how our narrators see the world. And whilst there is anti-autistic sentiment they have to deal with, it’s not at the centre of their narratives or autistic stories. They are just autistic and existing and that’s not always easy but it’s ultimately what makes them who they are and they wouldn’t change it for the world. Being autistic is a wonderful thing! I love being autistic! I also would love to talk more about autistic rep on here (unfortunately relevant thanks to a certain movie): my biggest frustration is that it is SO clear that mainstream autistic rep is not actually for us. It perpetuates harmful ideas and only serves as inspiration porn for neurotypicals. They frame our condition on how it impacts others and don’t consult us or let us tell our own stories and pretend we’re all cis white verbal boys with bad social skills. I am only one autistic person, and I cannot write for everyone in the community (please make sure you are listening to and supporting all sorts of autistic people!), but I hope that telling a story influenced by my own will not only help myself but others - and maybe help out any of you that aren’t autistic and are looking to write autistic rep.
The main characters haven’t changed much, but a little re-intro :)
Thomas
studies psychology
bisexual disaster
panic attack! in the library cafe
wannabe plant dad (one of them is named monty :) will monty survive?)
looks like he’d invite you to watch pulp fiction in his dorm but he’s probably never seen it and his favourite movie is probably like. ratatouille
taking italian classes to cope
Junie
studies psychology
16 year old chloe made a pretty girl oc and was like hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me and here we are
bakes to cope
the BEST fashion
lets go on an adventure :) -screams in the forest-
she’s done your birth chart and she is NOT happy
Kristen
studies english and music
the way i literally can’t let go of this bastard and it’s been 8 years
former emo kid who never really got over it
BEST party playlists
often found in the kitchen at 4am making cinnamon rolls
unsupervised access to the internet as a child
i have no taglist for this, but like with NaNoWriMo, i’ll likely do a dedicated taglist for Camp Nano updates and we’ll see where it goes from there! As I said I likely will take a long break from this story after April until I finish drafting Revelations, Revelations, so the taglist will just be for Camp Nano, but I’m excited to spend a month getting to know it and sharing that with y’all so if you’d like to me on a taglist for this, let me know! <3
#i promise my next novel wont be third person present split pov but it is <3 so good <3#wip intro#amwriting#writeblr#atlastracking#LCOMS#once again i am making a post at 5am and i am also autistic so ignore typos pls <3
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Hello writeblr, this is my second reintroduction in the last few months, but I felt it was needed.
You can call me Skel, I won’t be using my real name on here for privacy reasons, though there are some people who may know it from my old writing blog (rnoonlightink). I’m 30, trans nonbinary (he/they), bi, autistic, and I have a handful of mental illnesses and physical disabilities that prevent me from working a ‘normal’ job even when we aren’t dealing with a global pandemic.
Like most people who make these kinds of posts, I’ve been writing for practically forever. At least since fifth grade, when I used to write Zelda fanfic in my notebooks and my friends would read them during class. I like to think I’ve improved a lot since then :’)
Now I write original fiction and poetry, as well as the occasional fanfiction, though I haven’t had the courage to share the latter anywhere. Genres I write include but are not limited to magical realism, urban fantasy, dark fantasy, soft scifi, all written in what I hope is literary-style prose, with literary-style themes; I write for an adult and ‘new adult’ audience. As for reading, I’ll read almost anything, it just depends on my mood.
I have some poetry posted here, but I likely won’t be sharing any more publicly, as I am in the process of researching lit magazines and other publications to submit them, and I don’t want posting them here to disqualify them. But my poetry is generally focus on my mental illnesses, experiences with abuse and trauma, disability, queerness, general life stuff, reincarnation, and my undying love for my fiance.
My main wip is City of Knight (though I may change it to Knight City), and it’s difficult to summarize because I’m sort of half pantsing the first draft right now. But it’s basically a supervillain and hero origin story for three women living in a vaguely cyberpunk/biopunk alternative present. The story is character driven, and focuses more on how the characters’ relationships drive conflict and influence events around them rather than how ‘cool’ their powers are.
It features an lgbt+ main cast, time loops, unexplained black clouds that swallow entire sections of the city and cause people to vanish, black eyed people (like black eyed kids, but of all ages!), organized crime, and a shady military lab. For an idea of tone, some of the inspirations for this wip include The Venture Bros, Gotham, and the novel The Sky Is Yours by Chandler Klang Smith. My word count goal for the first draft is 80k-100k words, and I am currently at around 21k.
I have a handful of other wips as well, but I’ll talk more about them when I stat giving them more of my attention.
I’m also an artist, and might post art of my characters sometimes, or reblog them from my art blog.
A little bit more about me personally, in case anyone is curious:
I’m polyamorous and have two partners; I live with one, and the other one (my fiance) lives in a different country.
I live in the US, in a red state, and I hate it.
I’m a secular witch and I read tarot
Not sure what my religion is — I make offerings to Hekate and Aphrodite and occasionally some other Hellenic deities, but I also have a deep interest in Gnosticism and I think Gnostic themes come through in some of my writing.
I’m into dark academia even though I haven’t been in university since 2015, nor have I read The Secret History yet.
I have two cats.
I’m a vegetarian for health reasons and I love cooking when I have the spoons for it.
I don’t like the ‘found family’ trope due to personal experiences with my own — now defunct — found family.
And I guess that’s it? I don’t really know what else to say, so I guess I’ll wrap this up here. Not sure when I’ll have individual wip posts, if ever; if I do write them, it won’t be until I’m on the second or third draft and things are more solidified so I’m not constantly changing them.
If you got this far, thanks for reading! Stay safe! :)
#writeblr#writers on tumblr#writeblr introduction#writeblr reintroduction#writeblr intro#about me#writing#writing blog#magical realism#soft scifi#dark fantasy#adult lit#new adult lit#poetry#poets on tumblr#queer writer#lgbt writer#trans writer#nonbinary writer#autistic writer#mentally ill writer#disabled writer#spoonie#long post
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Problems I’ve Been Having With Writing // How I Plan To Fix Them
Before reading this post, consider checking out the Teespring Shop with designs by myself and my friend Alexx, where 100% of the proceeds are donated to the Black Lives Matter organization.
It’s no secret that lately, working on my novel has been a struggle. I used to be able to write entire books with 80k+ words at 14, and now I’m struggling just to hit 10k in a project I’ve been working on for 3 months.
Some of this could be attributed to COVID-19, my crazy school schedule (with thankfully is over now), and my job. However, my main issues are with motivation, self-confidence, and remembering how prose works after over a year of writing only poetry. I did this under a cut because, well, it’s long.
Problem 1 - Motivation, Mental Illness, & Activism
Finding motivation these days is more than just difficult. As someone with chronic illness and also OCD, the urge to do things only when I’m feeling up to them and the desire to have a daily schedule (with writing included) are always at war, and neither of them winning. It’s impossible for me to do the same amount of work every day or week, but also hard to cope with the lack of stability.
On top of that, I’ve been trying using my platforms on social media to promote, donate to, and educate myself on the Black Lives Matter movement. As someone who uses social media (especially Tumblr, with its tagging system) to organize my thoughts on, and hold myself accountable for my writing, it becomes really difficult to manage both activism and writing on my social media - especially when the movements going on are more significant than what I have to say about my WIP.
The solution to both of these problems, as difficult as they are to manage, is finding balance. For OCD and chronic illness, I’m trying to figure out which parts of the day I’m feeling the most energized and motivated so I can schedule my writing around those chunks of time - which I think fall between 10am and 12pm.
For balancing activism and personal social media stuff, it’s a little more difficult. So far, I’m thinking the best way to deal with it is to link my main contribution to the movement so far (mine and Alexx’s Teespring shop) to all the posts that might lean on the personal/writing side, and continuing to uplift Black voices when they come across my dash, and actively seek them out when I have the energy to do so.
By no means will these completely solve the problems, but hopefully they’ll help me find time and energy to write when I can.
Problem 2 - Self-Confidence
Every writer has issues with not believing in themselves from time to time, but lately mine have become overwhelming. This could have something to do with the fact that I can hardly get words down in the first place. My mind has been very stubborn in allowing me to come up with words that flow in a narrative way, and I usually spend a lot longer on one or two sentences than I’d like to.
Similar with that issue, almost all of the writing I read is by, well, adults. Many of the writers I follow on Tumblr are also adults. I’m a month from seventeen, but I’ve always been told that I act or present as a lot older, so I guess I always expected my fiction writing would be as aged and confident as posts like this, my essays for school, and the research I put together for my own purposes. While my writing quality might read as a little older or more skilled than a sixteen year old, it still feels like it’s lacking in quality and like I haven’t progressed at all since my last novel (which directly ties into the next point, but I’ll get there in a minute).
The only way to get over this issue is to write and not stop because I think it’s bad. I know that. It’s easier said than done, of course, but I think that with time and a lot of forcing myself through is going to help.
Problem 3 - The Super Long Break I Took/Poetry
The last time I finished a novel was in December of 2018, so I’ve taken a break that lasted well over a year. I was still writing during this time, but it was pretty much all poetry, besides a few attempts that never got past a few pages and a WIP intro post (sorry about that, everyone).
Basically, I’ve forgotten how to write prose and storylines. That can be re-learned, though, which is why I’m sticking to OITW even though I’m beginning to realize I don’t love writing fantasy as much as I used to (I will still very gladly read it, though).
There’s another problem that came with that one, though, which sort of ties into my issues with confidence in my writing:
Poetry comes easily to me. I hear some novelists talking about their short ventures into poetry and how they would spend forever on a poem and how difficult it was, but that’s not what poetry is like for me. I grew up with my mom, my aunt, and for a short time my great grandma who were all poets. I was always exposed to poetry and felt a deep connection to it, which makes it simple (most of the time) to write.
Plus, due to the internet and me being me, I was exposed to the art of slam poetry when I was 13 (it’s something I daydream about, but my insecurities surrounding my stammer kind of stop me there. Plus I live in the middle of nowhere). Poetry is everything to me.
So you can imagine it’s a little frustrating that I can bust out a contest-winning poem in three minutes but struggle to write 200 words a week when I’ve been writing novels longer. This has honestly been one of the hardest parts of writing OITW - it’s harder than I expected it to be. The words don’t flow like they used to.
Combating this issue, while it’s taken a blow to my confidence, has actually been a little easier than I thought. I have to make myself write, of course, that one’s kind of obvious. But the one that I missed for so long was reading.
I’ve been reading almost nothing for the past year, minus a book I got for Christmas that, surprise surprise, got me inspired to write again. My best friend talked me into reading Carry On by Rainbow Rowell and not only is it awesome, I read the 500+ page book in under 48 hours. I can’t remember the last time I read a book that quick.
I’ve also been slowly making my way through A History Of Wolves by Emily Fridlund, but I think I need to re-start it because when I first started reading it, I was working a full time job, doing 5 classes for school, and struggling with my physical health (more than I usually am).
Reading isn’t going to make my prose read like water or anything, and neither are any of these other “solutions”. However, despite being a lot more easily said than done, I feel like they’re going to help. And let’s be real, I need all the help I can get.
Want to check out that shop but don’t want to scroll for a million years to get to it? Here it is again! We’ve raised over $100 for BLM and plan to continue selling these designs for donation indefinitely, unless we specifically take them down (though I can’t think of any reason we’d do that).
#writing#writing tips#writing advice#struggles#mental illness#writing with mental illness#oitw#writing problems#writing positivity
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Everywhere I go I see these ‘morning’ novels about ‘getting life right the first time through.’ All these Asian girls I dated year after year and they expect / demand me to be totally established and take all their abuse - I will not complain more than that - when what I’ve wanted for a long time is literally ‘to live like an immigrant in one’s own country.’ All the people I admire seemingly married young such as the current Korean president and former UN Secretary General.
I keep thinking, ‘That ultra-miraculous Hail Mary 80K-or-so YA novel that will get me out of here and also annihilate all the evil YA novels that I hate and want to expurgate from BN, the libraries etc.’ The wolf-child teenage-assassin good-to-be-gay ultra-sensualize-Asian-girls good-to-get-raped good-to-be-anorexic good-to-hate good-to-be-cynical etc.
I tried to support ‘Finding My Voice’ author Marie Ok Myung Lee on Twitter b/c I saw ‘Finding My Voice’ at BN and went, ‘OMG they took Kim Minju’s face and it’s right there.’ I lived in KR; I don’t mistake faces; YA is ripping K-pop left and right but Minju’s a real person with a life, had panic-attacks, needed exogenous O2 from trying to ‘honor’ her fans. I wrote Minju ‘greentext fics’ talking about chivalry on 4chan but instead of motivating NEET’s to get a life or at least value and honor women it had people talking about rape, and various techniques of what might be called slave-breaking or the ways in which slavers and human traffickers so damage their human chattel as to render them unlikely to escape. Jordan Peterson on Twitter is defending 4chan for its truthyness I guess (despite JBP’s having dreams of Christ and the kings of this Earth bowing down after trying to smash each other), and also pointlessly dueling / debating actual rape- and trafficking-victim Yeonmi Park, a North Korean escapee, due to the fact that JBP is ultra-rich and invested in his brand / identity and probably delaying Christianity as long as possible. Marie Lee also got embroiled in a pretty pointless debate with a smart but mercenary Tory Toffish British professor called Dave Tizzard over precisely how much incendiary was dropped on to North Korean people and they’re still battling each other over God-knows-what. My parents also recently tried to duel me to the death over my interest in supporting Liberty in North Korea; about which my Dad said, ‘If you try to enter North Korea I will cut you off.’ I’m a communist defector for being anti-communist because this is 2021 in Babylon and reality is unreality. I’m sorry if I sound like Ben Shapiro but honestly facts and those ho handle them are sometimes more important to the art / science caring than narratives, the ashes of experience, personality, etc. People such as Joe Biden also appear to oppose food-relief to North Korea on the grounds that it will prop up the regime and, say, if we feed North Koreans they might have excess energy and actually develop WMD’s and non-conventional capabilities that could threaten the US; an eventuality we prevented in the past by making sure NK starved in the 1990s and also by disarming NK’s WMD operation in Iraq in 2003.
All jokes aside NK policy strikes me as incredibly mentally ill and by that I mean spiritually depraved (I really think so), racist, genocidal / annhilationist, desiring to erase both souls / individuals and history, confused, scared. IDK if I am allowed to even say that but I have a ‘black swan’ theory of history / WW3 in which some of the formerly colonized nations, such as NK and SRV (Socialist Republic of Vietnam), basically take over the world using special forces because in a way they deserve it and also because they know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of both malevolent colonial power and pseudo-benevolent or well-meaning-but-stupid-and-cowardly-and-non-committed paternal colonialism / imperialism. It could appear outlandish but if you study certain battles in history you find there are critical factors in terms of information, will, ‘moral factor,’ technology, the Hand of God.
I ultimately believe many of us on the Earth will have new neighbors very soon and we must honor them with worthy offerings, both out of justice and out of love for their souls (a-ga-pe, caritas / Charity). During the pandemic I repeatedly read Chancellor / Dr. / Pastor John Piper’s ‘Coronavirus and Christ’ as well as Francis Chan’s ‘Forgotten God’ about the Holy Spirit and how to invite(?) His counsel, comfort, wisdom, orders.
To anyone and everyone who might be reading this someday I also recommend highly Catherine Cho’s ‘Inferno’ which is about post-partum psychosis, mental healthcare in the United States, motherhood, demons, all of which are factors currently of critical importance to a lot of us. I had written a poem for Literary Shanghai which I think was accepted but which I then rescinded about ‘Inferno’ describing my own experiences with mental healthcare and terror of Hell and the Spirit. I had also spoken of a ‘Requiem’ which is something the pre-eminent English-language professor of the Korean War once called for though the essence of what might have happened during that conflict as well as what could happen again today is quite frankly literally a ‘Dies Irae,’ not the peaceful or nice part of the traditional requiem. I had actually wanted to write Korean War novels before I realized how mercenary this is about an operation codenamed Ripper under Gen. Ridgway, the part of the war that involved bullets as much as heavy bombers or whatever, huge masses of Chinese troops, situations of semi-indiscriminate firing into masses of Asians including refugees, not to mention numerous hapless boy-soldiers from China. All this stuff appears to be clawing its way out of the ground now - the Korean government recently awarded an American colonel in his 90′s for a certain unspecified action - but it’s 3:50 AM, billions born and unborn are at stake in other places, lands of miracle and menace, such as particularly Somalia with a birthrate that resembles that of the Republic of Korea prior to contraception etc., and I have personal problems to target and numerous ownership-issues when it comes to what is truly meant for me to do in the remains of my day(s).
It also appears that a large coterie / clique / posse of persons around here are obsessed with me magically forcing them to respect, cherish, etc. me which puts me in mind of my favorite K-pop song - maybe the only one I ought to care about anymore - (Ms. / Leader) Kim Taeyeon’s ‘Make Me Love You,’ which however was also released on the same day as a super-massive democidal chemical attack in Syria.
A while back I reflected somewhat - maybe not enough - on the idea of ‘counter-imperialism,’ by which I don’t mean Jean Paul Sartre or Mao or the Black Panthers, but using power, influence, etc. to circumscribe or delimit the excess ambitions of people who think they have the right idea but have lost their right minds or don’t really understand or care. At one point I thought wishfully, ‘America is like a counter-empire,’ but IDK if I was really thinking of America b/c to be a counter-empire by my definition you need control and reason and wisdom and SME (subject matter expertise), not just wishes.
I’m not sure any liberal democracy today has all these though my optimistic side looks to the current ROK president, Twitter moonriver365, who appears to be playing an almost impossible hand with literally every other country, flesh and spirit. I bought this leader’s autobiography but my Korean cuts in and out of comprehension. IDK if I’m too open-minded or not open-minded enough; I have my affections and I guess limerences (liking) as well. I don’t despise the current ruler of Russia either for he has been trying to do good things for a nation that paid a nearly incomprehensible price in WW2 (Great Patriotic War), and which was mocked and despised for no good reason by a smug West, which perhaps sunk into unworthiness of itself, after the first Cold War.
I remember looking at a picture the Moscow GPW memorial obelisk and being awed to tears - bodies and souls ascending into Heaven or hurled into Hell. Straight up, straight down. St. George and the dragon. ‘They are attacking again; are they mortal?’
However, I came to view this memorial partly whilst researching a fanciful Millennial anti-establishment curse-the-system-and-die novel about the mass-drowning of some 300 South Korean high school students in 2014.
I also made an effort to cultivate concern for children in the Midwest but somehow became sidetracked again just thinking about world events, the fact that every race is out to get every other race, these golden-haired Caucasian girls are probably taken to be ‘Little Women’ knockoffs or Henry James throwbacks or some Reddit category that can be easily demonized by Maoist flaks, BLM, anyone looking to score points or reduce the other in order to magnify the self and/or its tribal / identity-politics interests.
Over recent months I considered a lot - maybe still not enough - the categories or qualities of purpose; purity; and also presence.
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author about me
Tagged by @frenchibi !!!
1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?
no it’s not about weed my dad used to call me ricekrispies because of how easily i can crack a lot of my joints. he said i “snap crackle and pop”. so that’s me !
2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos)
my absolute fave iwaoi piece that i’ve written, Learning to Walk (So that We Can Run) i’m so proud of it and so glad that it’s gotten so much love
3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?
it’s a manga cap of oikawa going “so fun~” bc i love my son xD
4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?
i’ve had a few people who will like, go through and read all my stuff in one go? and tbh i don’t get a lot of comments so really my favorite is everyone who decides to actually comment xD
5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?
There’s like. so many. i have literally over a hundred haikyuu fics bookmarked alone.
6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?
according to ao3 i have 12 pages of subscriptions xD some of those have been abandoned i fear but i refuse to unsubscribe in case they return from the dead! bookmarks i have..... idk probably about 200 across all fandoms? the majority of that is haikyuu, but my yoi collection is growing.
7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?
i’m not really sure... lately i’ve been working on a lot of trans hc’s, but of my published stuff idk if there’s really a pattern
8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)
116 user subs, 1936 bookmarks
9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)
at this point i’ve already crossed into writing smut, which was like fear #1 xD
10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.
I just want to get more stuff written and published! i have so many more ideas than what i’ve actually put out there because I tend to bite off more than i can chew with some AUs...
11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?
i feel like i write majority iwaoi but of my published stuff it’s only 5/14 haikyuu fics?? xD my drafts folder, on the other hand.... i have a couple “rarepair” ships that i’ve written for (kurodai, hanamatsu) but i think the majority is popular ships
12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?
19 (but i orphaned a bunch of old johnlock fics lolll): 14 haikyuu, 3 snk, 2 yoi
13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?
uhhh 122 for fanfic, 84 original
14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?
usually write them down, but sometimes i like to leave them in my head while i kind of play with different ideas, before it becomes a solid story
15. Have you ever co-authored a story?
not yet, but @frenchibi and i are gonna do something together !!
16. How did you discover AO3?
probably through tumblr? bc i was living my life on ff.net until suddently ao3 was like. everywhere xD
17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?
lmao no not at all xD
18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?
pfft no
19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?
i don’t really remember? i’ve been writing (non-fandom) since i was a kid, but i don’t know what got me started. childhood is kinda hazy for me D: now, my friends have been a huge inspiration to keep me going, helped beta things for me, bounce ideas around... that kind of thing :)
20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?
start small. i mean yes, there are people who are successful at like “this is my first fic ever! it’s an 80k wip!!” but i highly recommend starting with shorter stuff. get a feel for world building, character development (esp if it’s original writing!), and oh my gosh endings ?? the worst.
also just write what you love. if you want to hc everyone in the entire show as a bunch of trans gay people, then do it. who cares if that’s “unrealistic”. who cares! if it makes you happy, do it.
21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?
depends. for short one shots, it’s usually like “oh what if this happened!” and then i just write it all out. for longer things or multi-chapters, i like to outline where i’m going, major plot points, etc. for my longest fic to date (152k) i had a separate like 20k document of backstory, character info, etc.
22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?
happily, no. i’ve had a couple of comments with like, suggestions or polite criticism, but never of the work in general and always really kind and well-meaning.
23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)
smut continues to be a challenge, tho i like to think i’m getting better at it? and angst. i love to read it, but i don’t think i’m so good at writing it.
24. What story(s) are you working on now?
currently editing my nanowrimo project, rising, which i have now posted chapter 1 of!
25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?
i have so many pans in the fire it’s crazy but i do prioritize one particular story at a time
26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?
honestly no. during nanowrimo i did, but i’m in grad school and unfortunately personal writing has taken a back seat to that
27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?
oh my gosh yes yes yes. a million times. i started when i was like. a child. i have read some of my old stuff and Y I K E S. cringey.
28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?
definitely my knee surgery recovery fic, but followed closely by an original piece i wrote about my mental illness.
29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?
um anything i wrote for the bbc sherlock fandom i orphaned many moons ago. xD
30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?
i want to get back into a little of my original stuff again, but hopefully continue writing fanfic.
31. What is the easiest thing about writing?
sometimes when you just get into the flow of it and it feels like no time has passed but you’ve written like 4k in one go xD
32. What is the hardest thing about writing?
endings. i don’t know how to finish a story. two of my nanowrimo projects (original fiction) just. are sitting on my comp. unfinished. it hurts :(
33. Why do you write?
because i think language is amazing and i like bending it to what i want to express
thank you so much for tagging me, this was fun and a great way to procrastinate my homework
i don’t really know a lot of authors?? so if you are an author and want to do this, i am officially tagging you :D
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Caitlin’s Three Things List
Okay, so moments (probably hours by the time I finish this) ago I wrote a goals list that I think is good for self-evaluation. (Keyword: This is what I think. results may vary depending on what you’re looking for.)
I’m going to hop to it and answer some of these that I laid out in hopes of having a better idea of what I want to accomplish.
The Three Things Lists!
1) Three things that went well this year.
* Audience growth
So once upon a time, I grew a pretty decent following due to creating an Inktober Prompt list. My expectations: Maybe two of my friends would do this, maybe. And then one stranger that has followed me for a while. (There are a few followers I recognize their username because if I post something they always like it and for some reason that keeps me going.)
But because of this prompt, I was exposed to MANY new creators and illustrators that I now enjoy chatting with and following! Instagram had the biggest maintained growth. I’m excited to create for an audience that actually expects me to create and not just for friends who see my things “whenever they aren’t busy”. (Not to bash them or anything, just there are a lot where unless I tell them, they don’t see the posts I make.)
Another surge of growth in my audience was due to tabling at conventions this year. I was terrified to show my work let alone attempt to sell it to someone. Tabling at cons not only boosted my confidence but also quieted one of my ever going demons. “YoU sUcK aT dRaWiNg CaItLiN.” “How do you have a degree? oh right, you just barely passed.” I can’t say this is the case, there is an audience that genuinely enjoys my scribbles. So I am forever thankful to Atlanta Comic Con for giving me that chance. It honestly opened a few doors for me.
**Process
I’ve gotten more comfortable with showing my process. It can be messy, crisp, and illogical. But turns out the people who enjoy my content enjoy my scrambled thoughts. It’s something about not being alone in this sort of sense that calms the nerves.
So I can say with chest poked out that sharing process has gotten MUCH better. I can thank a self-help book I bought this year that was a FANTASTIC BUY. Austin Kleon has [two] (currently? If he has more then I’m buying it like people buy a name brand.) books that helped me see that it is GREAT to share not only the process but advice. “Show Your Work” is the book I’m talking about for now. Great tips, the outline is on the back of the book. So if you’re like me, I need to clearly see what I might be getting into, you might have a ball.
And finally, (not calling myself out on this but other) If you’re going to respond to people when they ask you “how do you___?” do not answer “Google it”. That is the rudest thing I’ve seen some of even my FAVORITE illustrators do; that response can burn in hell. PERIODT. (my one typo allowed.)
*** Art Style Exploration
For those who think college will help you establish an art style that you’ll enjoy or help nourish the one you currently have.... Let me save you over 80K.... No, the fuck it won’t.
That was the biggest thought I had going into art school. If anything, it confused me more and utterly destroyed what little confidence I had in my drawing style. After graduating, I had a huge swing from how I used to draw to how my art currently looks. I stopped trying to please the one professor who stood between me and my degree and started drawing to please my tastes. And guess what? That did something. And that something WORKED. I love what I draw now; I see why I chose this as my career path. I’m genuinely happy with how my pieces turn out versus in college just wanting to turn the damn thing in and hoping it isn’t an F.
2) Three things you could have handled better.
* The loss of a good paying client.
Now hear me out when I say this: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL a good client. Say that three times and then exhale.
Back earlier this year, I had the opportunity to work with a writer who gave me hell and back. And even that is an understatement. I dealt with her because in school you were taught “if they pay on time, finish the work and get the exposure.”
I’m here to tell you my lesson learned: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL good exposure, good pay, a good client.
I was doing the work of three for the price of one and a half. (And was always told I charged too much.) She tried abusing this power with friends of mine, with other illustrators. When things turned out bad, she tried saying it was my fault. She read my contract and then tried telling me I changed the wording, I purposely did this thing, another thing was my fault. I could go on with this story.
The part that I wish I handled better?
How I treated myself afterward. I’m so used to people telling me, “Cait, this is what you do wrong. This is how you fix it.” that I don’t consider my own feelings, and when I bring my feelings into the scenario they no longer matter. Because they tell me they don’t matter. In this case, I wish I had treated me better, because my feelings, my mental health, DOES matter.
**My Patience Getting Into Conventions.
Pretty self-explanatory. I got into one, finished one, and wanted to do eight more in a week. But this sort of thing just takes time and I need to accept that.
***My losses
I had to listen to a Little Mix song to actually learn this one. The context of the song is nowhere near the topic at hand. But a verse from Power feat Stomzy really packs a punch after this year:
“ You look him in the eye and say, "I know I'm not a guy
But see there's power in my losses and there's power in my wins" “
I had to look one of my demons in the face, and state something similar. My loses mean I’m trying. My loses piling shows I’m not willing to give up easily, and that is something that took a while to be content with.
3) Three things artistically you want to improve on.
*Composition
It’s not awful, but it can be better.
**Color
I told this BOLDLY if I might add while critiquing someone else’s portfolio; “Your color palette is boring. All your [things] look as if they are from the same universe, during the same time of day, with the same kind of mood. After three photos it’s bland, boring, and understood you have a preference.”
Can you say damn Cait? The statement was, in fact, true, but I certainly could not talk. My color palette is mainly bright, pop, and happy. In order to tell a story, I KNOW it is best told with color. And I failed myself this year. But I sure won’t next year.
***My Damn Tag
Okay, alright. Why is it well-established artists have their tag figured out? Even some who’s art style is so recognizable (I’m looking HEAVILY at you Gabriel Piccolo.) we know it’s theirs, seem to have a tag that suits them and works for them. But more importantly, they put it in A VERY DECENT SPOT. SOMEONE SHARE THIS SCIENCE WITH ME? CAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T GET IT.
4) Three things you want to focus on trying.
*More backgrounds.
As much as it pains me, I need to improve on backgrounds and perspective. When I do make backgrounds, I’m told I make great pieces. That I should look into becoming a background artist. And don’t get me wrong, I like them. But I don’t like them.
I feel as though I need to improve in that region so that way I don’t feel as though it’s a weakness of mine. My backgrounds are nice, but they aren’t nice to my standards.
**More designs
I love character designs, but let’s be real. If you were to scroll down my site or my Instagram page, or even this Tumblr archive, could you tell?
I draw characters a lot sure, but none are designs. No process, no sheets, no turnarounds, none of that. So that’s a huge goal of mine for 2019.
***Scheduling posting
At one point I was pretty good at this. Live stream in Instagram and Twitter, cool. Videos on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Cool. Everywhere gets a photo, everywhere gets a silly one-liner. Yay. I’m not leaving anything out.
Well by the end of this year that totally crumbled.
SO I want to try getting better at that thing there. Because having attempted this at the end of the year was cool, but it still wasn’t enough apparently.
5) Three positive things to tell yourself.
* You are an inspiration. That’s all you wanted to be in life, you did it. I’m proud of you.
**You didn’t kill yourself like you tried to; you opened up about it for once and used that pint up anger creatively. That is very hard to do, trust. I’m proud of you.
***You moved on, matured, and let it go. Even when the goddess inside you told you these peasants didn’t deserve your light, your friendship, your greatness. I’m proud of you.
I’m just proud of me for not snapping when I had every right to; not everything deserves a reaction.
6) Three negative things you want to leave for 2018.
*Comparisons
Oh boy. I am extremely guilty for this: I’ll compare myself to a well-known illustrator my age. I’ll compare myself to friends who are in the field having a blast and getting work; I’ll compare myself to friends who aren’t in the field and they struggle at getting work. I’ll compare myself to the kid I graduated high school with who is traveling the world, is able to eat, come home to his dog and relax because he doesn’t have tuition to pay. I’ll compare myself to these goddamn baby boomers who keep repeating “We didn’t have it hard, you’re just being stupid. Millennials aka our children deserve to starve. We’ll just put our faith in our grandchildren because screw the kids we raised and refuse to pay accordingly. $7 an hour worked in my day, they need to make it work now.” I’ll compare myself to fake people I created in my head and purposely made scenarios and wonder why I’m not like them, said creations I made because I was pretty low for ten minutes...
I just compare myself too much. To any damn body. It’s draining, obnoxious and most of all pointless. My new motto for next year is: “Unless it is helping you grow yourself, your brand, your spirituality, don’t do it.”
I’m not comparing my chapter two to someone’s chapter thirty-five. I’m not even comparing my chapter two to someone else’s chapter two. I need to stop doing that PERIOD! My journey is different, unique, and worth seeing through.
**Listening to negative others.
A couple of years ago, I lost a close friend around the time my aunt passed away. During this time I was hypersensitive to any and everything done or said; I also kept many walls up to hide my mourning. He caught the crossfire of all of that. I kept secrets from him I was too prideful of admitting and lashed out because of the emotional turmoil I kept suppressed. While in the midst of packing his things and leaving my life, he mentioned that I was a failure because I was unemployed and artistically speaking I hadn’t accomplished anything; that I would remain that way because that’s just the person I deserved to be. Now mind you, I graduated college that year; he was a flunk out. I changed my art style dramatically compared to when I started school to pass; he thought just posting crappy pictures of lukewarm sketches were equivalent. I started attempting trends and all he could do was copy. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash my old friend. If he were to come back into my life and move on like nothing had happened I’d do the same. (With some limitations.)
It’s just while typing out this scenario, of our four-year friendship I can’t think of one nice thing/compliment/gesture he has said to me. That’s my problem.
I can be praised, admired, and look highly upon for years straight. But my problem is I let others negative thinking and comments marinate with me for a long while. Too long of a while.
Another example is my mother’s friend. (My mom has many friends that do this shit, but this one stung more.)
This friend always roots for me; treats me like a person, and encourages my artistic journey. I consider her family before my actual relatives.
We went over for some barbeque the family was having and I was ready. Black Hallmark Cookouts, laughing, good food, good music, shit talking others teams. She asked me a harmless question of when was I going to quit my day job. Seemed like nothing at first, until the added gest of what she continued with. “All I’m saying is you can’t do [your day job] forever. That will get old. If the art thing doesn’t work out next year what’s plan b?”
I’m not a calm person (usually). Normal Caitlin would have cursed her out and mentioned how just because she chose a job to settle and be miserable at for most of her life doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. But again, of all the nice encouraging things she has done, said, and showed, for a while, I couldn’t think of it.
So I pray I let go of this nasty behavior in 2018; it’s going to be hard but it is dire.
***Saying I’m Not Enough
Alright, now put the combination of the two above in a bowl and what do you get? A Caitlin who struggles in interviews and applying for jobs because I let comparisons and negative comments rule my thoughts. This stopped me from applying to jobs I would have been perfect for; internships that could have helped me; posting art online.
We (including me) have to stop thinking that in order to be an illustrator means we have to pass a certain threshold of struggle, success, and a huge number of followers. That isn’t the job description. NO JOB DESCRIPTION has ”must have at least 10K followers on Instagram or Twitter.” nOnE.
So we (including me) need to stop treating ourselves this way. Period.
7) Three things you’re looking forward to in 2019.
*Going to move conventions.
**Adding pieces to my portfolio to try again at job hunting.
***Becoming content with the fact that my current situation isn’t my permanent situation. Unless I laze around and make it so.
Alright, so this was basically me calling myself out on my noise. Lashing out my demons and putting it in writing what I want to accomplish. I hope this inspires you to write yours, even if you keep it private. I hope it guides you and maintains your vision.
I’ll see you in 2019
A new wave
Caitlin xx
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It’s been awhile...
I float between jotting my thoughts down in a journal and clicking key strokes here on this digital blog/journal I’ve created. Honestly depends on my mood. Today was a doozy. I woke up happy, smiling at the day with it smiling right back at me. So many beautiful people surrounded me with love and positivity. And then I decided to ruin all of that by looking. And when I looked at the profile, I saw my photo. Headline and center. My artwork is almost like a gateway into knowing how I view an individual. And my god is my work of her absolutely stunning. Probably the best work I’ve ever done. But I can’t look at it without a deep thundering ache that resonates in my soul. I haven’t been able to pick up my camera since. I don’t understand. She wanted a new life, a different life. One without me in it. And she made that very clear. Yet my name and my beautiful art is plastered everywhere on her social media. She has barely posted any photos of her new life, yet continues to post the photos from the memories we created together. She even reached out regarding my message to be cautious concerning past events only because I didn’t want anything legal to come of it. Still radio silence on my end. I can’t bring myself to have a conversation with her because I fear that I am still angry inside. Still broken. And with this distance. This silence. It is what is holding me together. I’ve been alone with my haunting thoughts. No one to distract me mentally or physically. No one too divulge into. No one to saturate myself with. I’ve had to face this deep aching pain by myself. And learn to keep a level head. And learn to forgive and let go. Some of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do because I still struggle with those same tasks, I know I could never trust her again. At least that’s what my brain and heart are telling me. But I know I still have love for her in my heart that she doesn’t deserve. My friend pulled me aside at the beach one day and told me that it is okay to love someone till the day you die even if they aren’t good for you. Even if they hurt you. And that with that love existing, you are allowed to love others beyond measure. It’s okay to love myself enough to take that broken love and gently place it in a box at the back of my mind where it cannot be disturbed or release. The dreams are constant about her. I think apart of me hopes she realized she made a mistake. Realizes that our love was infinite. Difficult because of our need for growth, but infinite nonetheless. That achy love part of my heart just wants to hold her and Lincoln in my arms again, holding them tight as if it were the last time I’d get to hold my little family again. Then the other part of me, the broken side- angry and distant. Emotionally closed off, wants her to come crawling back just so I can say no and see the pain in her eyes, the same pain she caused me. That’s the angry irrational side of me. But truth be told, I don’t know what I would say or do if I saw her and was put in a position where I had no choice but to speak with her and acknowledge her presence. I guess my response would entirely depend on her intentions. Would she be speaking with me just to find a way to keep a toe in my life. So she could keep tabs on me and try to side burner me again when her hot flames die down. Or would she be apologetic- just wanting to clean up the mess we created. Or apologetic enough to ask for a “Do Over”. Or better yet, to just be angry with me and continue telling me how worthless I am:
”Logan, you would be nothing without me.”
“I’m a lesbian I’m not sure if I could date someone who is transgender.”
“I never even wanted to be with you! I never even wanted to go down on you.”
Now I know it takes 2 to tango in a relationship. And I’ll admit, I was not the perfect boyfriend. But god dammit, I was trying so hard to be perfect for her. Everything she needed. I tried to take care of the daily things, the adult errands to ease her work load. Since her and I both suffer from significant mental illnesses. And I took on employment that I didn’t know if my head space was ready for. I was dealing with being newly sober from drugs, without professional help. And no one really understands why addiction is such a difficult thing to deal with. The drugs are always at the forefront of your brain.
Do you need to get high?
Can you handle this without getting high?
Is there anything close by I can sneak a high from?
If I just curb it this one time, I won’t totally relapse.
And then the relapse hits and I will use whatever money or belongings of value around me just to get the next hit. It doesn't matter who I hurt at that point. As long as I got my fix. It becomes a cataclysmic downward spiral. And I didn’t want to be that man again. She is the reason I was able to break that cycle in the first place. She is the reason for the first time in my life I wanted to get clean. Because I never wanted her to question her place in my life. That she would always be #1 right next to Lincoln.
So there was that at the forefront of my brain, day in and day out. And with the pressure of NEEDING to make at LEAST 80k from my first year at this job, unearthed years of anxiety that i didn’t know existed. Anxiety was very new to me and I had no contingency plan in place to handle that unearthing. I wasn’t even sure I totally recognized it let alone what triggers it or how to deal with it. Any time I saw prices or dollar signs, my mind would just lose it and go into a perpetual spiral of “you will never be able to afford to date her. You will never be able to financially afford to marry her. Or raise kids with her. just give up now.”And with the insurmountable amount of love I have for her, those thoughts tormented me to suicidal tendencies that she never knew I had, and probably to this day has no clue I had them/sometimes still do. The amount of times I almost didn’t come home from work because I would rather slam my car into a median at 80+mph with no seatbelt, in hopes I would be ejected from the vehicle and end up impaled on steel pole where i die upon impact....I had the plan down perfectly every time. But what stopped me from doing it, are the texts she sent me telling me how much she was struggling and needed me. And my god I love her so much that I needed to be home to take care of her. I needed to make sure she was okay.
But my love didn’t fill her the same way her love filled me. She still needed something more. Something that I couldn’t give. I could say it was because I was transgender or it was because of the money, but the truth is- I will never know.
If I could go back and do things differently, what would I change? I’m not sure that there is any specific moment or action I could have changed that would have prevented the demise of our relationship. I do know I would have advocated for myself more. Made more time for therapy so I could genuinely work on my flaws with depth and dedication. I didn’t want any of my anger to transpire into that relationship. I didn’t want any of my short comings or failures to infect the precious love I have for her. Maybe I would have held her in my arms more. Not that it would have saved our relationship but just so I had a more permanent feeling of her embrace to remember. I would have asked her to sing more because her voice did nothing but calm my chaotic soul. I would have tried to make her laugh more because Jesus Christ her laugh was the best sound in this world. I would have focused on myself more, making myself more of a rock; sturdy and strong for her to hold on too while she figured out life. I would have wanted to get my issues sorted out so she wouldn't have to battle those with me.
Take the cheating away. Take the horrible things she said away. And honestly I would have never walked away. I would have continued to fight for her and love her. I didn’t care about the things that consumed her mind and soul. Borderline Personality disorder? Alright baby we got this. Let’s do this. It would have never changed my love for her, in fact I would have loved her harder. And I think that’s why I still love her. She could gain 200lbs and be batshit fucking crazy and I still would have gone to the ends of the earth for her. I would have figured out a way to give her that life she was looking for. But I needed more than just a year. I needed more time. And most of all I really needed her support. I really needed her to believe in me. Because fuck I believed in her. I still do. But here I am, over 1000 miles away from my “would have been family”. Thinking about them. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And I want nothing more than the last year to not have existed. Because then her and I would be right back to when things were good. When we would just gaze at each other with the cheesiest grins and heartfelt giggles. When the kisses were soft, loving and passionate. When all I wanted to do was take pictures of her. Look into her eyes. Hold her hand, kiss her forehead and hear her heart beat. I would give anything to get those moments back.
But here now in the future, things were said and things were done that incinerated bridges. That I’m not sure that even purest of apologies or forgiveness could fix. But god if they could be fixed I would catapult myself across that broken bridge just to hold her and love her again. And the kicker to all of this is, I haven’t a single clue if she ever really loved me. The same love that still makes my heart ache today- months later, miles away. I have no clue what I truly and honestly meant to her. I know I need to let go and I promise I will. I already have let go quite a bit. It’s been radio silence on my end. She would have to physically show up here on my door step to get an answer from me.
I just need to learn how to lock this part of my life away. Because at least for right now, what I am feeling in this very moment. I’m always going to love her with every fiber of my being and soul. And it will probably be like that for a very, very long time. And I need to remind myself that it’s okay to still love and mourn the loss of my “would be family”. So I can allow myself to make room for new more fulfilling love. And this is where I need to love myself enough to know that right now in this life time, her and I were never meant to be regardless of how hard the universe tried pulling us together. She made that clear,
RIP:
L+D+L+R+H
The would be Bakers
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