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nikibogwater · 3 years

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Niki Blethers About The Mandalorian S2: ep 5

Spoilers below the cut!

Didn’t have time to do a post about ep 4 last week because Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity launched on the same day, and Zelda takes precedence over Star Wars in the Bogwater House, but I did really enjoy the episode and would rate it a 9.9/10. Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled Blether Report:

I was....concerned about this episode, like a lot of other people. I was worried that Din’s character arc would be brought to a screeching halt as everything dissolved into the Ahsoka Tano Show. But I should’ve known that Filoni and Favreau would handle her appearance gracefully. Her initial introduction felt a smidge over-the-top, but I’ll let that slide because...I mean, c’mon guys, it’s Ahsoka Tano. She’s not allowed to not be cool for a little while. Otherwise, I felt like she was integrated well. The focus stayed on Din and the Baby, and while Ahsoka definitely had motives of her own during this episode, they were largely treated as an afterthought, which is exactly how I wanted it.

Also I thought the costume design for Ahsoka was really good. I’m not really an expert on such things, but I did like it, for what that’s worth.

I really only had 2 complaints with this episode:

The first of these complaints was that the atmosphere of this entire episode was....really, really, uncomfortable. Like, I don’t know how to explain it, but everything about the environment of this episode, the color pallet, the set designs, the lighting, just made me feel icky. And I understand that was supposed to be the point, but it felt...I don’t know how to describe it. I think there’s a fine line between making an environment feel bad in a way that causes me to feel concern and desire to see things fixed, versus bad in a way that just makes me want to turn off the episode and go watch a colorful animated movie instead. This was the second kind of bad for me, and I really didn’t like it. I think I would’ve managed okay if they hadn’t also repeatedly shown the townspeople being publicly tortured for literal days at a time, but they did...and I was really not into it. But I’m aware this is not an “objective criticism.” It’s just a personal thing, and I’m probably the only one who had this issue.

The second complaint isn’t really even a full complaint? I just didn’t feel like Ahsoka was...Ahoska in this episode. Rosario Dawson is....fine, like, she’s pretty competent as an actress from what I can tell (I don’t judge acting skill based on someone’s personal views or how they behave off-set, so yes, I’m aware that a lot of people dislike her for things she has said/done, but I’m not judging her as a person here--only as an actress). But she really lacked the sweetness and friendliness that I have always associated with Ahsoka. I wish they could have brought Ashley Eckstein in to dub Ahsoka’s lines. Then I think everything would’ve been great for me. As it was, it wasn’t terrible, it just didn’t feel perfect.

Apart from those two things, this episode was very good. And most importantly, THE BABY’S NAME IS GROGU. I REPEAT, THE BABY’S. NAME. IS. GROGU. I AM LOSING MY EVER-LOVING MIND. THAT IS PERFECT. FINALLY I CAN STOP LOOKING UP SYNONYMS FOR “CHILD” WHEN I WANT TO WRITE FICS!

The best thing this episode did was solidify the relationship between Din and Grogu (ahhhhh! I love being able to call the baby by name now!!!!). We now know in no uncertain terms how Grogu feels about Din. And best of all, Ahsoka doesn’t frame this attachment as a bad thing. She straight-up tells Din that Grogu shouldn’t be a Jedi--that he loves Din too much and is too afraid of losing his father for the path of the Jedi to be good for him. And I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!! I’m gonna go ahead and link to this post here because it says everything that I feel about this whole exchange.

Din was just...so unbelievably sweet this entire episode. The way he interacts with Grogu, talking to him as though he understands everything, cheering him on when he uses the Force correctly, and OH MY FUZZBUCKETS, THE SCENE WHERE DIN IS PREPARING TO SAY GOODBYE AND HE JUST...SITS WITH HIS SON IN HIS LAP FOR A WHILE. I legitimately teared up. I knew there was no way Ahsoka would let Din hand the kid over, but still. Precious Space Dad is Precious.

...Pardon me, you’re looking for Admiral Thrawn? IS THIS A TEASE FOR THAT REBELS SEQUEL WE’VE BEEN CLAMORING FOR FOR THE LAST 2 YEARS?!?!?! SIGN ME UP, I’M READY! (I hope it’s a tease for a different series, ‘cause I really feel like the plot of this one is big enough as it is without bringing in yet another Big Imperial Baddie).

Overall, I’ll give this episode an 8.8/10. There were parts of it that I massively enjoyed, but also a few small things that bothered me a disproportionate amount. I really, really love how hard this series is leaning on Mandadlorian. They’re letting Din be soft and affectionate and parental towards Grogu, and it’s adding such a delightful layer of depth to his character. Fingers crossed they can continue to keep that the core of the story, even with all these cameos they’re weaving in.

#niki rambles #star wars #the mandalorian #semi-review

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acaseforpencils · 5 years

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The Ink Well Foundation.

The Ink Well Foundation is a non-profit that helps bring smiles to the faces of children facing adversity such as illness, neglect, and abuse. I cannot begin to express how big of an honor it is to have Elizabeth Winter on Case—this interview brought me to tears, and it means a lot to share her message on here, so that you all can help more children in need to be able to connect with this incredible foundation.

Bio: I am the Founder and Executive Director of the Ink Well Foundation. Growing up, I had cancer my entire childhood—it was a rare cancer that kept getting misdiagnosed, which meant a fair amount of biopsies and days in the hospital, and finally major surgery where I was told I might wake up without a leg. I am very fortunate in that the doctors were able to remove all the cancer without amputating, and I have been cancer-free since I was about 20 years old.

That experience gave me a lot of empathy and compassion for kids facing long, isolating hospital stays. There were also other issues during my childhood: I experienced a lot of abandonment with a mother who just could not play the role of mother, and who eventually died when I was fifteen. In general, I just had a pretty severe lack of affection and emotional support growing up. All that made me very tough, in some ways too tough and it wound up creating only further isolation and pain.

As an adult, I saw that pain mirrored in other children's eyes and I began to seek out a way to connect with them, to help them and myself learn to nurture and heal together. I strongly feel that genuine human bonding can fuel both physical and emotional healing. I also think getting out into nature and carrying that same respect to all wildlife helps us to become humble and connected in a very powerful way, so we stress those ideas in our work often.

In 2005, I was working in animation in New York City, and I stood up in a meeting at work one day, and asked if any of the other artists would like to come along with me to draw with kids facing illness and hardship. A couple people raised their hands, and we went together to Gilda's Club out in Brooklyn (that club house has since closed, but we still go to the one in Manhattan). The artists who came along in those early years, like Rami Efal and Ray Alma, Pedro Delgado and Sergei Aniskov—those people are all still volunteers today! That says so much to me about the kind of people this work attracts. We've all become like family over the years and I love those guys so much.

It all began at Gilda's Club, but then I reached out to places like the Ronald McDonald House, St. Mary's Hospital and Bellevue Hospitals, and we slowly but surely became accepted and welcomed at healthcare and at-risk support centers all across New York, because the kids loved what we did, and at then end of every event they were begging us to come back. So we always did! That is the true mark of success for me every time, when the kids are yelling at us to get back there as soon as we can.

A few years ago, I learned about the great organization on the Upper East Side, The Society of Illustrators. Their Executive Director, Anelle Miller, connected me with all these other great artists like Stefano Imbert, Bil Donovan, Abby Merrill, and Elana Amity (who is now our Event Director at Mount Sinai Hospital, where she hosts a monthly live drawing call-in show that beams to all the kids' hospital rooms at once). They draw along with us and call or text in with questions and comments. It's hilarious and adorable. We also connected with the great people of the National Cartoonists Society, and wonderful artists like Ed Steckley, Adrian Sinnott, Howard Beckerman, Tim Savage, Marty Macaluso, Joe Vissichelli and so many more.

After MTV Animation New York shut down, pretty much all my colleagues and I from great shows like Beavis and Butthead, Daria, The Head, and Celebrity Death Match all moved out west. So I had this great group of talented friends still living there, and based on the Ink Well's popularity in NYC, I thought, let's give it a shot there too! I reached out to my former colleague from Rugrats and Wild Thornberrys, Joseph Scott, and asked if he'd be interested in running things there. He is now heading up all our operations in L.A. and he is just the most phenomenally kind and talented person on earth. With his art skills he could do whatever he wanted but he devotes a huge amount of time to the kids we work with and I'm so moved by his giving spirit and boundless good energy. And Michael Daedalus Kenny is also stepping up in a leadership role as our newest Event Director, we've got amazing artists like Marla Frazee of Boss Baby genius, Monica Tomova from SpongeBob, Jeanette Moreno, king of The Simpsons, Chris Harmon from Futurama, Ashley Simpson from Phineas and Ferb, Christian Lignan of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, graphic novelist, Jeremy Arambulo and so many others so we're in great hands there. I just wish the traffic weren't such a problem! It really is tough to get around that city, unlike NYC where there's a decently functioning subway that goes to all our locations, so getting around is no real trouble comparatively.

Tools of choice: Our events are usually very handmade by design so that the kids can feel like they could do all of this easily by themselves. So we come up with themes like, “Who is your Superhero?,” and we ask the kids to focus on their strengths and what superpowers they wish they would have, and we draw their portraits as such. We are not art therapists, but we feel these event themes help to make the kids focus on positivity and their potential, and therefore help them to bond and heal.

We do sometimes get more elaborate, like when we teach stop motion, claymation, and we once even taught them how to build homemade rockets on the roof of Bellevue Hospital! One of our Event Directors at the time, Nathan Schreiber, used to come up with the most fantastic science-focused events. He now runs a company called Science Ninjas, that helps kids learn about science with fun card games. But usually it's simple by design.

We are extremely fortunate to have Blick Arts as a sponsor. Their support enables us to provide each child with their own art kit after each event so that they can keep creating on their own after they learn new skills with us so thanks to them we have a lot of the arts tools we need.

Tool I wish existed: I think we do great working with anything we've got lying around- we emphasize the potential of just about anything to become art: we often create characters out of inanimate objects, make flip books, sculptures and puppets— using everything from card stock to socks to toothpicks and gum drops. We keep it accessible and inventive.

How can we support The Ink Well Foundation? Because our volunteers are by definition "the artists behind the kids' favorite books, films, comics, and TV shows," we don't solicit volunteers from the general public. We do have an online application on our site, so other professionals that meet our criteria in the illustration, animation, and cartooning industries are welcome to apply there.

What the general public can do is to help us spread the word so that more children can see that others are going through what they're going through, and also so that they see examples of adults believing in them and encouraging them. We try to promote the idea of art as self-expression and a way to get through trying times, ideally together. Connectivity and encouragement are critical to healing, and honestly, to just building a better world. So we talk about that a lot on our social media and at the events themselves. We also honor the kids' intelligence by talking about art in general there— we highlight classic and new artists and ideas and encourage them to learn from those masters as they develop their own skills.

Because we are a very small 100% volunteer-run organization, we focus on giving the kids the greatest events possible, and sometimes that means we don't have a lot of time for social media, self-promotion, and fund-raising. So spreading the word is huge and we are always extremely grateful for, and in need of, any financial donations.

Where are Ink Well Foundation events held? We operate in New York City and Los Angeles because that's where the top artists in our fields are concentrated. We go to hospitals and at-risk support centers like Ronald McDonald House, Gilda's Club, Bellevue, St. Mary's, Mount Sinai, Childhelp, Covenant House and more. You can see the full list here.

How can children who don't live near Ink Well Foundation events benefit from your Pen Pals Program? This is another reason we want people to spread the word. Loved ones of a child experiencing serious illness or hardship, who is physically or geographically unable to attend our events, can apply to have a special artwork sent straight to them. We ask the kids what their favorite animated films, TV shows, or illustrated books are, and then we have an artist who actually worked on that production make something tailored to that child. We then frame it up, and send it off to them by mail.

We've done this with artists from SpongeBob, Captain Underpants, and just a week ago, we delivered a beautiful drawing of Curious George that our Event Directors, Franz Palomares and Lisa LaBracio (both of whom worked on Curious George) lovingly made. This was for a girl named, Maryanne who lives in Florida. She suffers from a rare disease called, vein of galen malformation that has led to brain damage and vision loss. She is unable to talk or walk or eat through her mouth and she suffers seizures but she understands everything around her, and she can feel texture. So Franz and Lisa made her Curious George playing in a sand box, and they glued real sand into the picture, so that Maryanne could feel that, and enjoy the art on multiple levels. Maryanne's mother, Sandra, said that she was thrilled, and that she loves to hold it.

Our hearts are full being able to share these works with kids who need that moment of light, and that knowledge that an adult they admire, someone who doesn't even know them well, can care enough about them to take the time to create careful, tailor-made artworks just for them. We hope that helps to bring a smile in the moment, and build self-worth long term.

Misc. I'd like to mention that everything we do is 100% free of charge. No one gets paid, no money ever changes hands for the art. We have brilliant artists like Peter de Séve who is on our board and attends many events, while also creating characters for Ice Age, The Little Prince, and all his New Yorker covers. He could get a mint for his works, but he comes down and does this for free, and that's a testament to the power of that loving connection we all feel when we are just selflessly helping one another.

I feel this most acutely when I'm working with youth who have suffered abuse and neglect. We have an Event Director, Jane Archer, who leads our work at Bellevue Hospital. Many of those kids are there because they have been through unendurable trauma, and Jane connects with them beautifully. She begins with a meditation where we all envision our strengths together, we talk about our talents, and hopes for a brighter day, we imagine embodying those gifts and then we gently, patiently, ask the kids to help us draw characters step by step. Many kids start out very suspicious and resistant, even angry. But by the end of the events they are almost always laughing and teasing us, and they don't want to stop creating. It is my greatest joy to experience that transition and I hope we may continue to spread this support and faith in one another for many years to come.

Website, Etc:

We are @inkwellkids on every platform:

Website

Facebook

Instagram

Twitter

Find more posts about art supplies on Case’s Instagram! There is a Twitter as well. If you enjoy this blog, and would like to contribute to labor and maintenance costs, there is also a Patreon!

#ink well foundation #elizabeth winter #ink well foundation kids

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loquaciousquark · 6 years

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Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E15 (Apr 24, 2018)

Hello hello hello! As @eponymous-rose is away doing Important Science, I’m covering TM recap duty tonight! Tonight’s guests: Marisha & Liam. Tonight’s announcements:

This Saturday is International Tabletop Day! G&S is running special programming all day to celebrate.

VM Origins #6 is out at all available online comic retailers. The final touches are being placed on the comic collected edition; details to be released soon!

Wednesday Club airs tomorrow at 7pm PST.

826LA hit the $35,000 reward tier this week! This means Matt will be hosting another Fireside Chat soon. (Liam reveals that the vintage robe & a tiger ring Matt wore in the last chat were gifts from him after a certain jazz-hands-related event in the last campaign.) As a reminder, all donations are doubled up to $40,000 thanks to a generous critter matching donations.

Pillars of Eternity is out in two weeks! Reminder that the characters of VM will be playable as voice sets in this campaign; the new portrait art for Vax was released this week. Check it out at versusevil.com/criticalrole! Liam extols Travis’s voice acting and the “finesse” in his performance and hopes that fans will be very happy with it.

Reminder: Dani Carr hosts Critical Role Recaps every week.

CR Stats for Episode 15

48 natural ones this campaign so far ($4800 from D&D Beyond to 826LA!)

67 natural 20s so far, even without a Lucky rogue!

Over both campaigns & 51 initiative rolls, Ashley averages only 9.5 on her initiative rolls. :( However, she’ll be on Talks next week! Yay!

Beau is super into working for the Gentleman right now. As long as she makes friends in high places, she’s happy (in part because she knows they won’t last long).

Liam doesn’t miss trap duty at all. (He’s enjoying being a screw-up wizard.) That said, he still enjoys watching Sam bring his magic touch to his old class.

Beau fundamentally trusts that people will always act in their own self-interest, which is why she told Jester to take care of herself first. To Beau, selfishness & survival are synonymous--most people want to make sure they aren’t going to get caught or killed. That’s how she can trust untrustworthy people to work for the good of the group, and why she thought Caleb & Nott needed to be part of a bigger conversation.

Sam, of course, very briefly FaceTimes into the show with the knowledge that Liam called him a comedic genius. He wishes everyone to know that this is accurate, does a remarkable Howdy Doody impression, and leaves.

Caleb didn’t have any experience with the Zone of Truth spell before and paid close attention while it was being cast, but “nobody asked him any questions, so I guess it’s fine.”

Caleb’s one-on-one with the DM hasn’t changed his playstyle or character interpretation yet, since it didn’t reveal anything significant. He does think it might have given Caleb a mildly different outlook on certain things/his mood a little bit, but no fundamental shifts yet. Beau’s one-on-one shifted her perspective a lot--she doesn’t respect authority at all, so being put in her place was a good check on her personality & took the edge off her wrecking-ball habits. Both Marisha & Brian talk about respecting someone willing to call them out on their crap.

Gif of the Week: this glorious thing by @scottc_miller on twitter. Poor everyone. Poor drunk Nott.

Beau is officially warming up to Molly. Awwww, my heart. “I don’t know if Molly’s warming up to Beau, but...” Brian: “Self-preservation, guilty until proven innocent...an optimist!”

Molly’s amnesia reveal hasn’t really changed Caleb’s opinion of him. He does trust that Molly told the truth within the Zone’s context, but he knows that may not be the whole truth. The only person who’s changed in Caleb’s estimation is actually Beau; Liam talks about a low score he rolled on an arcana check on the magical symbols, which Beau surpassed, and in the moment Caleb realized that meant Beau must have had some formal schooling. “A little checkmark went ‘boop!’ in a box.”

Beau is aware of her own terrible flirting with women, & Marisha references Beau’s strong preference to be in charge in her interactions. Marisha also talks about some of her Meisner acting classes/acting methods in how scenes are structured and it’s actually really, really cool. Liam segues into his first week in NYU at his very first voice acting class where they laid on the floor and did “pelvic thrusts” to loosen the diaphragm. Marisha recalls her college voice acting teacher telling her she was terrible and shouldn’t pursue voice acting because she spoke from the back of her throat.

All of Caleb’s spells have been selected for RP reasons over functionality/utility. Liam knows it’s not the most optimal build &, as might be expected, doesn’t care in the slightest. You go, boo.

Liam and Marisha giggle over fighting such a classic old-school monster as a gelatinous cube. Liam honestly wishes Frumpkin could have been dissolved; Caleb emphatically does not. Marisha remembers finding the old cube mini with Matt which could be opened up so other minis could fit inside, and they sat in their living room for some time putting minis inside it. The pair that slays together stays together. Liam also remembers a Comic Con that had light-up gelatinous cube minis which he attended riiiiight after meeting Marisha.

Fanart of the Week: this by @sephiramy! Look at how good everyone looks, awwww.

Liam jokes that he personally excluded Quebec from the giveaways and it’s inexplicably hilarious, especially given Matt’s apologies for it on the regular show.

Beau’s hand going numb on the cube attack didn’t phase her at all; she’s still in the “adolescent” phase where she isn’t afraid of any bad things that might happen to her.

In re: screwing the DM with in-universe D&D choices: “Path of the Duck for the fuck.”

When it comes to HP management, the rest of the party is trying to make sure they can get people up when they’re down, especially since Jester canonically dislikes healing. Marisha reflects on the last campaign where she & Sam often filled the blanks around Ashley’s healing, and feels everyone’s trying to fill a similar role now. Liam and Marisha would ideally like another healer, but neither Beau nor Caleb are paying much attention to maintaining a balanced party comp.

The cat’s paw version of Caleb’s spell was always planned given his attachment to Frumpkin.

Liam talks about pre-stream puzzles from campaign one, including a complicated hydraulic puzzle that Taliesin’s dragonborn paladin sidestepped with one brute force elbow. He also remembers a child’s square puzzle that took “a group of adults an embarrassing time to solve.”

Cast- and staff-wide digression into puzzle-shaming Gandalf for flunking the Moria door riddle. Gandalf the Grey--more like Gandalf the Bad at Riddles, amirite

Beau’s ability to solve the magic puzzle feels to Marisha like the lessons your dad makes you learn as a kid, even though you never think you’ll use them--(such as being made to learn to change your own oil despite thinking you’ll always use AutoZone), but then you end up using the skill later on and resent it the whole time.

Caleb’s increased participation in discussions lately is an intentional choice on Liam’s part.

Beau’s improvement in dealing with the rest of the M9 is due to her becoming more comfortable with them.

Caleb recognizes Fjord’s arcane power, but doesn’t question it at all due to the magical nature of their world. (Neither Liam nor Caleb trusts Fjord to be neutral good: “He spat saltwater out!”)

Marisha makes a great point about how everyone in a D&D party is by definition magical and special, but everyone in the M9 right now feels like they’re still discovering what that means. Liam points out that VM very much felt like strong, special people with greatness thrust upon them; M9 feels like a troupe of random carnies.

Marisha on why she’s playing a human in D&D when so many possibilities exist: “Some people like playing ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances.” She likes going from an all-powerful half-elven archdruid prodigy to a schmo who can just punch things really hard.

While discussing impostor syndrome, Brian quotes David Milch: “So much of the accomplishment in art comes not from the discovery of one’s gift but from its acceptance.” He likes that the leveling system supports the slow growth of a character in an RP sense and allows the character to learn and accept his or her strengths. He likes that it’s not straight escapism, it’s the combination of one foot in reality and one foot in fantasy.

Liam points out that since their group is very theater- and story-driven, they often use the leveling process to support story choices and character growth over class optimization. Marisha relates it back to the choices in Disney movies, where sometimes the protagonist discovers their innate power & embraces it in order to succeed, vs. where sometimes a protagonist must overcome an innate feature and rise above it in order to succeed. She loves that dichotomy. (Brian feels Scanlan represented similar principles in the last campaign.)

Liam’s favorite moment of the last episode was Sam’s small drunk goblin irritation.

In re: the rising from the floor at the end of the last episode, Liam hopes there’s a way to talk their way out of any upcoming fight, since Caleb’s pretty tapped. Beau: “This is fine.”

After Dark: I Know What You Did Last Summer Edition

On transferring from the relationship between Vax & Keyleth to Caleb & Beau--both Liam & Marisha have had some disputes about everything that went down in the High Richter’s house. Marisha: “I wouldn’t use the word ‘disputes.’” Liam: “What would you use?” Marisha: “...Clarifications?” They both are struggling with how much their in- and out-of-game relationships have changed over the course of the two campaigns.

The crew photoshops Liam’s hairy V-necked chest onto Marisha live. What even. How.

Marisha does miss some things about spellcasting, but enjoys watching everyone else struggle with concentration checks and saving throws.

Liam and Marisha both enjoy building characters and then assigning the classes that fit their story, instead of deciding what class to play first & building a character to that.

Brief aside where both Marisha (not Beau) & Caleb (not Liam) talk about how much they love Jester.

Liam discusses in- and out-of-player knowledge when it comes to Fjord. Liam knows there’s an eldritch horror behind him, but Caleb has no clue. Marisha sees him as the altrustic half-leader who’s hiding a lot. Liam hypothesizes that someone was about to die, and Fjord saved whoever it was by offering himself to Cthulu. Liam doesn’t think Fjord is good-aligned. Marisha doesn’t trust his smarts.

Marisha tells a story about Taliesin’s hair at C2E2. They were doing group photos when a family with a little girl came up who asked Taliesin his favorite hair color. He answered “I’m really into the peacock fade with the blue and the fade into green and the purple and the emerald,” and the poor girl was a little overwhelmed. (Marisha once answered her second-grade teacher’s question about her favorite color as “iridescent” and feels the teacher was more impressed with her vocabulary than her color choice.)

If they were pulled into Exandria today, Marisha would like to be a wild magic sorcerer or a paladin; Liam would be a wizard.

If the M9 were stuck in a cavern with no food, Marisha would eat Fjord first since he’s probably already a little salted.

Beau’s martial artistry is inspired by Ip Man.

Liam steps out for a moment after a coughing fit, then returns in order to stand very, very close to Brian. Close enough that Brian’s ear rests on Liam’s stomach. Close enough that Marisha feels left out and both of them cuddle on Brian’s lap to end the show. I’m glad I’m not kidding.

See you Thursday!

#critical role #critical role spoilers #talks machina #talks machina spoilers #long post for ts

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creideamhgradochas · 6 years

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Thanks to the lovely @green-eyeddragonfanfiction for taking the time to answer these! Get to know more about her, go give her a follow and then show her some love!

These questions are from this list. You should check it out, there’s 50 questions all together and they’d be great to ask your favorite fic writer!

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fan-fiction?

Around 20, I think.

2) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

Reader inserts, definitely. I don’t mind throwing OC’s in there if I need to, though. I really like reading reader inserts. I think it’s really fun and engaging to imagine yourself in a story.

3) What is your favorite genre to write for?

Super Heroes! Although I really adore fantasy. If I were to write a book, it would be fantasy.

4) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

I’m… not sure. I s'pose it’d have to be One Mistake, simply because I think it’s worst piece.

5) When is your preferred time to write?

Whenever I actually find the motivation to write, which usually ends up being around 1-4 am. Aka I’m a Mess: Part 1

6) Where do you take your inspiration from?

Have you seen this man?

I suppose I also draw inspiration from comics, movies, TV shows, and video games where applicable.

7) In your Winter’s War Series, what’s your favorite scene that you wrote?

Out of the entire trilogy? Dang, that’s tough. Maybe in Ghosts of War when Bucky, Reader, and Nat are sitting together, sort of like some messed up little family? If not that, then it’s probably in Winter’s War when Reader, Steve, and Bucky reunite after the Azzano goes up in flames.

8) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

I don’t think I’ve ever received “criticism.” I’ve received very polite corrections of some of the German in WW from some native speakers, but that’s about it (I haven’t corrected any of it yet because I’m a lazy pos).

9) Who is your favorite character to write for? Why?

Bucky Barnes. Because he’s Bucky Barnes.

10) Who is your least favorite character to write for? Why?

I don’t really write characters that I don’t like. Even villains are fun to write, even if I hate them. If I had to choose, I guess it’d be Ashley Williams, from the Mass Effect series. I’ve only written her once, but she’s a damned space racist and I hate her, even if I didn’t hate writing her.

11) How did you come up with the title for the Winter’s War Series?

Winter’s War was named with the final scene of the first book in mind, as well as what reader and Bucky would be turned into for the second book; Winter Soldier(s), and the war that led them to being created. And because they “die” in the snow and ice. Ghosts of War because that’s what Reader and Bucky are in the second book. Ghosts. Shells of themselves. War torn and weary. Weapons. War of Attrition because, in the third book, they fight tooth and nail for every scrap of memory, personality, humanity, and they don’t always win. They’re going to hit a lot of roadblocks, mostly in the form of other humans, their past and their guilt, and sometimes each other.

12) How did you come up with the idea for Winter’s War Series?

I always liked the thought of a Bucky x Reader series where they both ended up as Winter Soldiers. Everything kind of grew from that. It follows very closely to the canon, so everything was trying to figure out the most believable way to weave a reader character into the existing story.

13) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

“Abandoned” is a strong word…. *stares guiltily at The Way I Do and Two of a Kind.* I just haven’t found the inspiration to write them recently, but I do plan on finishing them… eventually.

14) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?

I plan on doing a second part for A Night to Remember when October rolls around. I also plan on adding more monster!Bucky’s to The Monster Series. My other series are complete or in progress and I don’t plan to add more to them (except to finish them in the case of the WIPs).

15) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

I don’t think so, no.

16) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

@angryschnauzer writes absolutely divine smut. I absolutely hate writing smut, so I wish I had her skills. There are others, but she’s the first one that came to mind. If I listed out every single author on here that I admire and why I admire them, we’d be here for another ten paragraphs!

17) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?

I only started writing back in August. Anything written before that’s been lost to the Great Laptop Death of 2017. So, luckily, most of my writing is relatively recent and cringe-free.

18) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

I prefer listening to music (I love loud music and hate silence), but it’s distracting. My brain sometimes can’t process correctly so it tries to write the words I’m hearing instead of what I actually want to write. RIP me and my stupid brain. Aka I’m a Hot Mess: Part 2.

19) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

Haha. No. I’m dead inside. I very rarely (if ever) cry when reading, too.

20) Which part of your Winter’s War Series was the hardest to write?

Oh god the entire Agents of SHIELD part of War of Attrition. That show is so dense and woven so intricately into the MCU that it was difficult as hell to figure out where to put the reader so that it’d be relevant and set up for the next parts of the story. I love that show, but it was so hard *sobbing*.

21) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

I almost never make outlines. WoA has been the exception because, as stated above, the content was way denser and I needed a clear path to be able to write them from point A to point B. That being said, I’ve only gotten as far as just after AoU. I haven’t decided what to do with Civil War or Infinity War yet.

22) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fan-fiction?

A) How Tumblr worked and B) that it’s a terrible, terrible site with horrible coding that, if it were a person, I would shoot as a mercy. Other than that, I read a lot of fics on here before I started posting some myself, which meant I had a pretty good idea of how to format it to be reader-friendly. Still had to google a lot of stuff, though.

23) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

Hmmm. I’m lucky in that I think I have a lot of readers/followers who leave lots of likes/comments/reblogs, but if I had to choose one? I think it’d be my recent Steve x Reader fic, Promise.

24) In contrast to 23 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?

Oh god. Again, I’m grateful for every like, comment, and reblog I get, but By Chance. It’s by far my most popular one shot at a staggering 1,925 notes. I like the a/b/o verse, but I posted it pretty early on in my writing career and it skyrocketed which completely blindsided me. The same thing kinda happened with Dumped, Drunk, and Angry. I wrote a one shot in a day or two because inspiration hit me like a freight train, and somehow they’re both over a thousand notes now.

25) Are any of your characters based on real people?

I s'pose Reader is always based off of me, just a little bit? Every other character (except the rare OC) has an established personality, but if I made reader a completely faceless, bland being it wouldn’t be that fun to read, would it? So even though I’m always careful to never describe reader too much physically, s/he always ends up with at least some of my personality.

26) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

Oh goodness, I don’t know. My readers are amazingly kind people. I get a lot of asks and comments saying very, very nice things all the time. I don’t think I could choose just one if I tried..

27) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

I was told very politely I spelled some German words wrong/used the wrong German words.

28) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?

I word vomit on my real life friend sometimes if I’m really stuck. It’s not always super useful because she doesn’t follow/watch any MCU stuff. Mostly, ideas just bounce around in my head until one sticks.

29) Do people know you write fan-fiction?

Yeah, most of my real life friends know. The friend I mentioned above writes fanfic, just not for the MCU. The rest are big nerds, too, so they don’t judge me.

30) What’s your favorite minor character you’ve written?

I loved writing Ran Shen and Mila Hitzvig for The Bitter March arc in Ghosts of War. As far as OC’s go, Dean from my series Time is probably my favorite.

31) What spurs you on during the writing process?

Interest in the source material has a lot to do with it. For example, I was writing easily 4k+ words a day when I was writing about the events of Captain America: the Winter Soldier. Other than that, I wait for the urge to hit me… which sometimes means I don’t write for a few days and sometimes a week depending on what’s happening in real life.

32) What’s your favorite trope to write?

So far? Soulmate. A/B/O was also fun and I’ll probably write it again at some point.

33) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

Oh jesus, no. I have the worst memory ever. I’m lucky if I can remember things a week ago, much less years ago.

34) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Uhh… Not smut, I know that much. But I have this bad habit where I can’t write fluff without some angst and vice versa? I don’t think I could deal with writing cotton candy fluff for the rest of my life, though. So…. angst, I guess? But I wouldn’t be happy about it.

#milestone celebration #ask the author #green-eyeddragonfanfiction

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agilenano · 4 years

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Agilenano - News: The Design That We’ll Never Get to See in Person – AT’s Small/Cool Event + 5 Renter Hacks for a Small Space

Remember back at the beginning of March (what now feels like a year ago) when we showed you a Sneak Peek Into Our Current Design Projects? Well, today is the day to show you the “final results” of one of them. No, this isn’t our typical room reveal. A lot has shifted between then and now. And other things take priority as they should. But our ultimate goal here at EHD is to try to bring a little joy to your day and since it’s Monday morning fingers crossed this does the trick. This “room reveal” is one where neither you nor I will ever see a real photograph of but that’s okay since I stayed up late trying to recreate the space as realistically as possible for us all to enjoy by using my trusted confidante, SketchUp.

I bet by now you are asking yourselves, “Which project are you talking about?” If you didn’t already guess from the snippet above it’s our Eclectic English space for Apartment Therapy’s Small/Cool Event which officially went live (virtually, that is) last Friday. The event showcases 20 current home trends by 20 designers for the year 2020. Very clever AT team.

The trends range from Art Deco Influence by Gabriela Gargano to Maximalist Boho by Jessica Bringham and everything in between. Ok so let’s start with the design inspiration for our room!

The Trend: Eclectic English

photo source | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

I was very excited to take lead on this bedroom design project after all I know a thing or two about designing a small bedroom after my own MOTO. When the AT team asked us which trend we would want to showcase it was a no brainer. Emily had just written about her current love affair with this New (Old) Trend that was going to help her get her color/quirk back into her life and I was so on board to oversee the design. This trend is the metaphorical fresh-design-air that we have all been waiting for and like I’ve stated before I am ready to trade in the neutral world for a multi-colored one.

The Space

This all sounded great in theory until I saw the photographs for the original space where the event was to be held in Brooklyn, NYC. Talk about a design challenge. This warehouse didn’t invoke that eclectic old world at all that we wanted the expected 12k+ visitors to feel as they walked into our space. I started to think, “Why didn’t we choose postmodernism? That’s also cool right now.”

But this type of challenge is what drew me to interior design in the first place, working within a set parameters of a building to find those creative solutions that will ultimately transform a space into something new. Challenge accepted.

Emily also wanted me to point out the fact that we were designing this space from 3,000 miles away which is a challenge in itself but since starting at EHD almost 3 years ago this is nothing new to me. The two main projects that I have worked on – the Portland Project (961 miles) & the Mountain House (84 miles) – weren’t exactly distances that screamed let’s just go “swing by” for a site check-in today. Working solely based off of a few measurements and online shopping was okay by me especially for just one small room. The real challenge was creating a space that looked curated over a long period of time in the span of a few weeks from a handful of online vendors.

Yeah, you could say I was slightly stressed.

The AT team was so great and sent through this very thorough SketchUp drawing of our space including all the dimensions I could need plus the very elusive NYC fisherman. His name is Gary and he was super helpful to clue me in on the exact scale of the space we were working with. Thanks, Gary. Bye, Gary.

Now that I had a better idea of the exact measurements for the space, Emily and I did our initial brainstorm of how to add that “cozy factor” we knew it desperately needed. Let’s just say our hopes were as high as the NYC skyline: “Maybe they can add a ceiling so people don’t see the exposed ceiling”, “Could we add wood floors?”, “Some added millwork would help transform the space”, or “An overhead diffused light to make the space feel cozier”… there was some wishful thinking but one worked out in our favor. One thing I have learned in the past couple of years is that you’ll never know what your options are until you ask. And ask I did, thank you again to the AT team for answering my endless emails. I love an email. Especially those who respond quickly and they did, thank you.

You’d think that creating a space from a blank slate would be a designer’s dream. But when combining that with the fact that it also has no fourth wall and everything in the space has to “work/look good” from one angle it shifted my mindset of how I’d typically design a room. Function still played a role but in a new showcase-y kind of way that I wasn’t familiar with. So, instead of thinking about the room as a 3-dimensional space I looked at it as if it were first a piece of art that you could then jump into and walk around. It had to work as both.

The solution was layers and layers and then some more layers.

Here was my initial paired down mood board that we showed you a few months back. Giving you all a sense of the space without giving it all away. That wicker bed from Serena and Lily was the first piece I picked out that made me believe that this space could work. Followed with a close second & third by the Matrix Chair from Article and the Hay Design Matin Lamp that I think everyone in the office including myself has had heart eyes for once or twice. We’ve loved a pleated lampshade ever since Jess pointed out the newly rising trend way back when.

And this was just the beginning…

The first and probably most important layer was to cover up those stark white walls. This space needed a dose of traditional character and nothing says that more to me than the trusted wallpaper and board & batten combo. Chasing Paper’s Tree Toile in Mono was the quintessential pattern for the space. It adds that layer of depth without being too overwhelming. I’m talking to you art wall. There are two types of texture you can add to a space one is 3D like a shag rug, our millwork, or pattern. I decided to include both with our board and batten walls painted in Behr’s Red Pepper. I’ll be honest, I was a bit nervous to tell Emily that this is the paint color I wanted to use in the space. The lady likes red but more of a bright and happy red of which this isn’t really. But once she saw it on the mood board she was all for it.

There was a fine line of how high was too high or too low the millwork should be. In the end I decided that the height should be based more on the headboard height of the bed more than anything else. At first, I had it at 60″ high on the back wall and 48″ on the other two but something felt off. Then I realized that if it was that high on the back wall there wouldn’t visually be enough breathing room for all the art I had planned to go up there.

So, after playing around with it for a few hours in SketchUp (love you) I went with 54″ high on all 3 walls. It was a little over halfway up the wall which would’ve felt awkward had I not filled the walls with other visual weight. That is always something you want to consider when determining the height of your millwork and also where it will intersect your light switches (something we didn’t have to think about for our space) or other permanent fixtures along your walls. Be sure they are either included in the millwork or sit above but not half and half.

Above are the profiles I chose, with plenty of help from Charla and Justine, from our favorite vendor Metrie. They are the same two lovely ladies that helped Emily and I to pick out/design all that millwork in the Portland House. For this project, we got our material inspiration from The Gold Hive – Ashley Goldman’s Master Bedroom which included some very thin lattice which would be our flatstock with a low profile. This would take up just a little real-estate in this tiny space.

That isn’t our only small space/renter hack that we have for you today read more below.

But first…here she is our Eclectic English lady!

Side Note: Some of the items in the render like the lounge chair & dresser are not the same as in the mood board. Building detailed furniture in SketchUp can be tedious and extremely time-consuming especially ones with realistic-looking cushions. So I took the easy way out (aka saved hours of on the clock time) and downloaded similar options. It was late. I was tired. And this is a skill I am working on so I think this version is much better than what I could’ve come up with. So imagine that awesome Matrix Chair from Article and this nightstand.

As Emily would describe her she is, “…just a touch senile, with a dirty martini in her hand, perhaps some sort of old Hollywood headpiece, and head to toe in patterned clothes. She freely tells us about her affair with Wes Anderson (a younger man! Grandma!) and maybe she has tons of cash hidden around the house. But she’s a little old world too – she loves a floral print, she’s always ready to put the kettle on and share some well-earned life experience, and her shelves are stuffed with souvenirs from decades of travel. My friends love her, and my kids can’t wait to visit her because surely she will tell them something they are far too young to hear.”

Do you see her? Do you love her? Or is she just a little too much for you? You can be honest cause she would tell you the harsh truth right back to your face. But then I am not her, so I ask of you be constructive in any of your criticism you might have. Thanks

5 Renter Hacks for a Small Space:

Re-think The Gallery Wall – As we all know a gallery wall is a sure-fire way to add that needed dose of personality into those box-like apartments but then you’re stuck with patching up who know how many holes when moving out. Cause I know that for every piece of art that I hang in a gallery wall there are probably 3x the amount of holes necessary behind it. Done is better than perfect around here and I don’t have the patience with templates. So instead, consider a picture hanging rod which will require minimal holes in your wall and you have more freedom to swap out art over time. This idea works well in the space since we added the millwork which projected out from the wall which let us still overlap the art.

Layer Up – If you live in a space with flooring that you wish you could just replace or snap your fingers and make them disappear, then consider getting a rug approx. the size of your space and layer a smaller rug on top. This typically works best if the smaller rug is about two sizes down and is in the same style. Also, be sure that the rug on top has a higher pile than the one below.

When in Doubt Mount It – Want to add a coat rack to your space? Try a 6-arm coat hook instead. Thinking about getting a bookcase? Maybe opt. for some shelves. Anything that you can install on your walls to free up some coveted floor space is golden in a small room.

Double Duty – In a small space it is a great idea for your furniture to serve multiple purposes when you lack the square footage. We made sure our floor lamp had a small table attached and our dresser’s marble top was the perfect place for a martini station. Although, I know I could’ve done a better job on more storage for the space like including a nightstand with a drawer or a bench with a shelf. I choose the more visual pleasing option, form over function and I am okay with my decisions. It is a showroom after all and our hypothetical lady is a maximalist minimalist at heart. Avert your eyes on this fact I just pointed out and let’s move on!

Not Your Average Sconce – Since there wasn’t going to be any overhead lighting in the space due to the lack of a ceiling which is hopefully not an issue any of you are running into in your home… We got a little creative in the lighting department. A floor and table lamp were probably sufficient enough for the space but to bump up the quirk factor I wanted to “DIY” our own plug-in sconce. Using an iron hook and utility bare bulb pendant, the plan was to wrap the cord somehow (Sara and I were going to figure out this little factor when we got there) to create a sconce.

If any of you are interested in this look here are all of the products:

There were a lot of accessories that Sara and myself were going to play with once on-site so instead of letting all those sourcing hours go to waste we figured to round them up for all you Eclectic English Enthusiasts. Enjoy!

In lieu of the original event plan, Apartment Therapy created these adorable illustrations (see below) and animations of all 20 spaces. You can check out our space here!

Be sure to peruse all the amazing work by the rest of the designers as well including: Hilton Carter, all-of-our-favorite Orlando Soria, one of the cutest/creative couples Nate Berkus & Jeremiah Brent, one of Caitlin’s Favorites Caitlin Murray plus many many more talented designers.

That’s all she (I) wrote! I hope this brought a bit of sunshine to your Monday morning. And I can promise you that you will one day see a real room reveal again but in the meantime I’ll be practicing my SketchUp skillzzz.

For those of you that are skeptical of the Eclectic English trend, I am curious. Does this design convince you that it is the new cool trend or does it still give you frightening flashbacks?? Let’s talk more about it below!

The post The Design That We’ll Never Get to See in Person – AT’s Small/Cool Event + 5 Renter Hacks for a Small Space appeared first on Emily Henderson.

Agilenano - News from Agilenano from shopsnetwork (4 sites) https://agilenano.com/blogs/news/the-design-that-we-ll-never-get-to-see-in-person-at-s-small-cool-event-5-renter-hacks-for-a-small-space

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allsystemsarenotgo · 5 years

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About to break down and fall apart

Last time I did this, it earned me a visit from the police. Please don't do that to me.

I love all of you. Each for your own specific skills, knowledge, and contributions. Those appear below.

Not only is it ugly and hurtful in so many ways, it is a violation of what little privacy I get to keep when I spill my heart out. Please, just let me do my thing in peace. No search parties, no police. Just let me break my own heart open and cry it out in my little place by myself. I have bottled alot of things up (I know that is hard to believe, as much as I share/vent) and I just need to go somewhere away from civilization and let the bottle explode where I don't have to worry about hurting anyone more than I already have. I'll come back, I won't hurt myself...I just need space.

I don't have many people in my life. I may have several hundred connections online, but less than a handful are tangible. Even fewer know my tangled story of loneliness, bullying, alcohol, drugs, and love.

It is agreeable en masse that I am a walking disaster. But every one of the few people in my world impacts me in some way or another. Some have saved me, some have pushed me.

I have reached the end.

All the pressure has brought me to the edge.

I don't know if I can whole-heartedly do this anymore.

Any given moment, I am teetering on the edge of just falling apart and becoming a pile of bones and skin on the floor.

Like coal into diamond, the heat and pressure is getting to me.

Society says I should fit into some template or another as a human. But I don't. I am an outcast, I stick out like a sore thumb.

Society says I should cave to the propoganda and desires of others.

Society says that servitude towards others is a generally Noble act.

But I don't fit into society. I don't fit into any of that.

As time has progressed, I have tried to learn more about how to be pseudonormal. I have joined groups to see how others handle situations. I have talked to many of you about my fuckups, especially the ones I regret.

But, it's not one size fits all. Everybody is different. And that is what makes my life such a clusterfuck.

I've been single for 8 years.

I don't know how to flirt.

I don't know how to court.

I don't know how to date.

I don't even have full faith in myself that I know how to love. (No, not that. But that too.)

8 years of loneliness.

Well, not really. 2.5-ish of those years I knew a wonderful woman. She spent time with me, she made me happy, we played sports and went rock climbing and did all kinds of things. But she refused to let me used the 'D' word. It was always just hanging out as friends. The friendzone.

And after 2+ years of trying to break out of the zone, I got frustrated. I don't think she understood or could handle it; That is when the process of socio-separation began.

Yes I am hard on myself. Ya'll tell me all the time "Don't be so hard on yourself." "Slow down and rest."

I don't know how to not bust my own ass. All I know is being raised to do this perfectly and do that perfectly and just be fucking perfect at everything. When I struggled in classes, it was like a leather cattle whip came out. "DO BETTER. DO BETTER". Failure was never an option. The classes that I did fail in college...

I don't really count my first relationship. It's a number but nothing more. I frequently regret it ever having happened.

My second girlfriend had an apartment near campus. There were numerous instances that I spent the night with her.

No, not that.

She gave me shelter. She gave me a place to go to avoid my fucked up home life. There were times that I would spend 2 or 3 nights with her. At one point my dad and I got in such a big fight that I left at 8PM and didn't come home until after school several days later.

I wish I could just delete social media, say FUCK IT ALL and not have to deal with it. But that is my job. Part of marketing and promoting and dealing with all the bullshit from the racing world...it requires being on Facebook constantly.

All social media is, is comparing your/my/our fucked up days against somebody else's beautiful perfect 5 seconds to take a photo.

Fuck. That. Shit.

I'm tired of it. I wish I could ignore it.

Yea, the cute dog/cat/animal videos help a little. But I don't even laugh or chuckle at those anymore. I just forward them to the resident cat mom.

Alot of people around me think that I am LGBTQ because I am never around women and occasionally around guys.

I just don't have female friends to socialize with.

I don't have what most people would consider "a family". I know some people kid and joke about how dysfunctional their families are. At least they have families.

Dad and I just co-habitate. 95% of the time that we are both home is spent with him working in his office and me doing whatever the fuck I do in my office.

I don't even know what I fucking do. Sometimes I just watch the clock from la-la land, or that's what it feels like.

Two of my cousins hate me and cut off all contact, another is a (not really) recovering druggie, and 7 of the 8 are all successful in their fields. Technically you could say the druggie is successful at staying alive, but his QoL is heading downhill as his life choices catch up to him.

I've tried to talk to some of my cousins that I have common interests with, but they are so busy, it's unproductive.

And none of them live around here. 7 are on the west coast and one just chased her career to the east coast.

I don't have any tangible friends to really talk to much less hang out with. Whoopty-do, all 2 of you (and you're common law married by this point).

No, I don't have a family. I don't have anything that represents the normal construct of a family. I have a father that I co-habitate with in a race shop with living quarters.

I see photos of some of you with your families, everybody all smiling and happy and showing the family love. As much as those make me happy for you...they make me feel more like shit as I see them. That doesn't mean stop posting them....it means I need to fix my fucked up self.

I have somewhat adopted a family, for whatever terms best fits that description. I treat them as my adopted parents and adopted siblings. It's not much, but at least it helps band-aid my shitty home life. None of us really talk to each other alot, but we all know we are there if needed.

I don't have that special person to tell how I feel. I don't have that special person to seek advice or bounce ideas off of. I don't have that special someone willing to slap the shit out of me and tell me to shut the fuck up.

I don't have that special person. I don't have *my* person.

I barely have myself.

Lore has it that you must first be happy with yourself, before you can be happy with/for another person.

My battle is the inverse. It's not that others make me happy. It is that others, by merely existing, help push away my loneliness. And the less of a grasp that the loneliness has, the better of a grasp that I have on myself.

I don't know that I can be happy with myself, as long as I have this persistent battle with loneliness going on.

It's not that others make me happy.

It's that others help me be happy with myself.

Ali: You are amazing in so many ways. I cherish what little time we spent together. You are kind. You are open. You are tough. And yet you are like a cactus: fierce and defensive on the outside, soft and gentle on the inside.

Ashley: We have so many things in common as we have copied with the loss of our mothers. Your criticism may be harsh, but you always have a way to soften it to not hurt me.

Chad: The sole male on this list. Not a fuck-boy, not a horn-dog. Just a caring guy. I don't know how you ever got her, but she deserves the ring on her finger.

Emily: So bright. Determined. Focused. Happy. Real. I could go on. You're perfect in my eyes.

Hannah: Experienced. Vocal. Tough. Real. You call it how you see it. You've been to hell and back, you've made every bad decision that exists. One day you'll make a great motivational speaker. You have the knowledge and background.

Jordin: Honestly, the more I think about you, the less that I realize I know about you. You're gorgeous, always smiling, fighting for what you believe in, and taking big risks in the chase for freedom and happiness.

Karrisa: You are the most difficult person for me to summarize. You stand out from the rest in so many ways. You have your angel baby. You have the heart to help others. Your love knows no ends. You have fought to merely be alive. We may not be on good terms and we may never me. But I still think about you and your darling on a regular basis.

Kayla: I believed in you when few others did. Now you have the career of your dreams. You are gorgeous, talented, and both a lover and a fighter. You have a heart of gold, but the key is hidden under the US Constitution. We may not be on good terms either, but I tried to respect your situation for as long as I could, before I went full stupid. And I'll admit that.

Lauren: By far the quietest until you have something to say, then your inner lion shows itself. You keep it simple because you are efficient, not stupid. I know I counter what you have to say, alot. I still appreciate your input.

Lorin: You tried. I give you credit. You tried. You tried to pull me out of my comfort zone. You tried to make me show how much I can love. You tried to make me happy. And you know what? You succeeded in all these things. You make me feel awkward, you made me learn to love again. You made me happy and made my smile show itself. There are alot of things I regret from our time together, don't get me wrong. If only. If only.

Mallorey: The longest friendship I have. Maybe one day I'll see you again. I've always loved your personality. I've followed you from our high school job, as you chased your dreams. Now look at you, all professional and stuff. But you've fought to get there. You are like a Swiss army knife. You can do it all, you will do it all, and you have almost done it all. And yet, the quiet, shy, reserved nature is what completes your personality.

Natalie: If there is one person who has watched me, in person, fuck up over and over and over again....it is you. I had to look up 'mountain out of a mole hill'. I guess it's fitting. Sometimes I wonder why I ask you things when I know I won't like the answer as it swings into me like a wrecking ball. But then sometimes you are the only voice of reason that will respond to me in time before I do the stupid thing (which, admittently, still tends to happen and is the source of your disdainment towards me).

Rebecca: We may not know eachother well, or for a long time, but I had my eyes on you well before we met. I knew there was something in you that I understood but few others did. We may have helped eachother in some ways, but it has become clear that now we are but liabilities.

Sarah: It's funny what changes over time. I still remember that fateful bus ride. Some might say I'm still as dumb now as I was then, just in different ways. Maybe I wouldn't have been as mean/tease to you if I could have known the future, but I can't take that back. I can't imagine how Royse felt; I only followed his lead.

Shelby: We bonded so well over things in common. As time as past, we have changed and that bond has weakened. I wish we still talked as old friends, but that simply isn't the case any more. And honestly, that breaks my heart a little. I have so much knowledge that you could benefit from, but you like to fight the hard road to the school of hard knocks.

Taylor: The first person to actually tell me, "Dude...you're Autistic". The person who led me down the rabbit hole of self Discovery, learning, and trying to understand why I fail so hard at being human, and succeed so well at being the world's #1 asshole and dumbass. Needless to say, that understanding still is far from remotely complete.

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c-ptsdrecovery · 7 years

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I'm afraid of spending too much money because my parents were so thrifty

If I spend too much money, I can't enjoy what I bought later because I feel so guilty

If I act assertive, I'm afraid that my mother will disapprove because she thinks I should try harder not to offend people. She thinks I come across too strongly. She disapproves of displays of anger.

If I break a minor rule, I'm afraid that my mother will disapprove of my bad behavior

When I make what I know to be a good decision, if my mother expresses disapproval, I'm plagued by doubts

Even if I thought I did a good job, the criticism of anybody in a position of authority or respect immediately makes me forget much of the good I thought about my work and I feel like a failure

I'm horribly embarrassed to cry in public because my mother used to send me to my room when I cried. She didn't mean it as a punishment, but it made me feel like I wasn't fit to be seen if I wasn't "quiet and calm".

I compulsively tell my mother everything, even about my decisions I know she will disagree with, and then I feel badly when she disagrees with them.

I am very judgmental of other people: they never work hard enough, or think RIGHT, or behave well enough for me. They spend too much or they're too lazy or they're not punctual enough.

Whenever I relax, I feel like a failure. Every moment spent relaxing is a moment wasted. My mother clearly feels the same way about her own daily life.

I keep trying to convert other people to my way of thinking through argument. My mother also keeps doing this with me. When she can't win, she finishes by getting very upset, which makes me feel guilty for upsetting her, though it doesn't change my views.

I can sometimes use very underhanded and manipulative methods to get validation from people. My mother uses/used guilt trips on me to get her way. Most of the time it doesn't work for either of us.

I've always thought I should be a more nurturing and kind woman, like my mother, but I'm beginning to find that she's actually very judgmental and harsh on herself and others: she just usually doesn't tell them. She is always worried about what someone is implying by what they say--partly because so much of her own communication is through implication.

I'm very anxious about what other people think of me. The slightest unintentional hint that they might be bored or annoyed by me, and I'm horrified. I'm highly sensitive to perceived interpersonal rejection (a symptom of atypical depression).

I don't take compliments well. I'm so afraid of being thought of as big-headed that I try to pass them off or ignore them--which results in me forgetting them and feeling worthless and unappreciated.

My mother doesn't take compliments well, either. She has such low self-esteem that she tries to find some way to negate the compliment. If you try to press the compliment on her, you'll end up in an argument with her. She gets angry and then hurt, and then you feel guilty.

While my mother is highly critical of my mistakes--or anything in which my opinion or behavior differs from what her own would have been, at which times she attemps to "correct" me--she is not good at celebrating my achievements. I had very few birthday parties with friends as a child (though she always points out that I had one every year for extended family). Other than attendance at the ceremony and telling me she was proud, we did nothing to celebrate my graduation from high school, college, MA, OR PHD.

My greatest wish, throughout my life, is to have someone organize a surprise party for me. I wouldn't have to tell them: they would just want to celebrate me without any hints or manipulations.

I constantly question my own perceptions. Were my parents REALLY overly critical and under-appreciative of my skills and achievements, or am I just thinking they are because I forget compliments?

When I want people to compliment me and celebrate my accomplishments, I feel needy and selfish. I feel like my desire for being celebrated and recognized for my achievements is excessive and irrational.

My mother's perceptions of me strongly affect my view of myself, even when I was unaware of her opinions consciously. I'm always checking myself ot see if I'm overreacting: I found out a few years ago that my mother called me "her histrionic child". I'm highly sensitive and I feel things very deeply, but I learned that I was not to show those feelings, so I stew on them instead, and that rumination turns into depression.

Likewise, I've always thought I was scatter-brained and irresponsible because I kept forgetting my once-a-week homework in fourth grade and my mom had it PUT ON MY IED. She thinks I'm irresponsible, even though I am one of THE most responsible people ever. I just forget things sometimes. She currently thinks SHE is having mental problems from her (small doses of) pain-reliever because she forgets normal things. Dad tells her she forgets conversations they've had. I haven't had the courage to tell her she's always done that. It's normal. Anyway, I kind of thought of myself as an airhead, even though I'm actually VERY serious.

I have a strong desire for physical touch as a sign of affection, but my parents are NOT huggy people. My college friends and I got into a habit of play-biting one another as a sign of affection, and unfortunately I've transferred it into many of my other friendships. Some of my friends don't mind it, but some of them really do, and then I'm terribly embarrassed. ...Mostly, I just need more hugs.

At one point I made a point of telling my mom that I really needed her to say she loved me and she was proud of me. She said she did that all the time, and I said, No, you don't! When was the last time you said "Ashley, I'm proud of you"? And she was like, "Well, not in THOSE WORDS..." I was like, "I NEED IT IN THOSE WORDS." She made a point of telling me after my graduation from my PhD that "I love you and I'm very proud of you," with a hug. I appreciated that a lot. But she hasn't been really doing it much since. It never became a habit.

My mother is a beautiful woman. She wasn't the cutest kid, though, and people teased her, and she developed TERRIBLE self-esteem. I was actually a very pretty child, but people teased me, and I likewise developed terrible self-esteem about my looks. Now I've gained a lot of weight because of chronic illness, and my mother has started saying things like, "You should exercise more" or "You need to eat better" or "You could stand to lose a few pounds." None of which I can actually argue with, which makes it hurt worse. Especially since I don't feel capable of doing ANY of those things. What I really need is to feel okay with the way I look, and I don't. Health concerns shouold be about health, not aesthetics.

I have a bad temper, like my dad. Actually, I'm not sure if I actually have a bad temper or if my mom just thinks it's too bad for a woman. She seems to put up with my brother being a fucking grump all the time, so...

Like my dad and my brother, I'm also stubborn and argumentative, even though arguments makes me feel TERRIBLE--worked-up, guilty, upset, and ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY. Mom has always said she's stubborn and argumentative too, and I always took that as a sign of low self-esteem, because she always gives in to Dad and Chris, and often to me. But she's been pretty argumentative with me lately. I haven't liked it, even though I've sometimes wished she'd stand up to the men in her life more.

Sometimes I think nobody appreciates how great I am. At other times I can't understand what people see in me.

When I'm depressed, I want other people to notice and talk to me and take time to be with me, but I won't do those things with them--which makes me feel like a selfish and bad person.

I feel intensely lonely, and I am beginning to worry that I'm a total failure and nothing in my life will ever satisfy me. I wanted for years to be a published author--and then when I became one, my book didn't sell and I felt disappointed. I worked for years to get a PhD--and then when I did almost nobody celebrated it with me and I've been two years without a full-time job. In fact, I've NEVER had a full-time job, and I've always been to at least some extent financially dependent on my parents. I've never had a romantic relationship. I've only ever once had a second date with someone. I'm thirty-one years old, and I feel like a failure in every way that counts.

So many things from my past still hurt. I remember when I got an unfair grade on a worksheet in 7th grade science class. I remember when I was a kid and I stole some pretty buttons from my grandfather's massive junk collection in the basement and my mother found out and was SO angry and disappointed. I remember being forced to clean my room when I was little, under the intense scrutiny of my mother, who scolded me for every object she found that she regarded trash, and only getting her to stop and comfort me by telling her I was actually crying because our cat had died that morning. Sometimes I feel like I remember every bad thing I've ever done and every person who's ever made me angry. Why can't I let go of it? I can let go of my accomplishments so easily, and yet it's so hard to let go of criticisms. A girl in elementary school once called me an ugly toad because I wouldn't let her on the see-saw. Why do I still remember that?

I'm afraid that my physical and emotional poor health will stop me from ever being satisfied in a job--or even being able to keep one in the long run. I feel like I have nothing to offer potential employers. Every trait they're looking for that I don't have makes me think I won't get the job--because I've applied for so many jobs I was PERFECT for and got none of them.

Sometimes I think there's something seriously wrong with me. My future terrifies me. It looks like nothing ahead but a morass.

I always second-guess people's reactions when they're generous to me, because so often I felt that my mom was martyring herself: doing something she really didn't want to because *I* wanted her to, but secretly resenting me for it. I also second-guess my own behavior, always thinking when I'm a guest that I should be doing more to help the family or afraid that they will think me an ungracious guest.

"Parents who feel good about themselves do not have to control their adult children. But the toxic parents we’ve met in this chapter operate from a deep sense of dissatisfaction with their lives and a fear of abandonment. Their child’s independence is like the loss of a limb to them. As the child grows older, it becomes ever more important for the parent to pull the strings that keep the child dependent. As long as toxic parents can make their son or daughter feel like a child, they can maintain control. As a result, adult children of controlling parents often have a very blurred sense of identity. They have trouble seeing themselves as separate beings from their parents. They can’t distinguish their own needs from their parents’ needs. They feel powerless. All parents control their children until those children gain control of their own lives. In normal families, the transition occurs soon after adolescence. In toxic families, this healthy separation is delayed for years—or forever. It can only occur after you have made the changes that will enable you to gain mastery over your own life." --Toxic Parents

#depression #parents #truth #mental health #therapy

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New Post has been published on https://shovelnews.com/brendan-cole-gives-final-strictly-verdict-what-a-night-hello-magazine/

Brendan Cole gives final Strictly verdict: What a night! - HELLO! Magazine

Congratulations to our new Strictly champions…

December 16, 2018 – 16:49 GMT HELLOMAGAZINE.COM Brendan Cole reveals his thoughts on the Strictly Come Dancing final 2018, including winners Stacey Dooley and Kevin Clifton, in his exclusive column for Hello! Online.

Well it was a big show and we certainly saw everything we’d expect from a Strictly final, apart from that tiff with the judges. Having a go at a judge for not giving a 9 or a 10 is quite a risk and one that I thought may have swayed the public to vote another way. Also, the chap in question ran the risk of showing a perhaps ‘not so squeaky clean’ side to the Strictly viewers. Dangerous stuff in a fluffy final, Kevin!

READ: Strictly’s Dianne Buswell adds fuel to romance rumours with gushing post about her Joe Sugg

But the results are in and it didn’t matter… It’s Kevin who finally lifts the Glitterball Trophy. I think Stacey was there as well, but it seemed that the night belonged to Kevin in his fifth attempt to win the show. Clearly Stacey and Kevin were the people’s champions after finishing bottom with the judges and, as I predicted a few weeks back in my Hello! Magazine column, they were almost a sure thing. I must say, after watching last night’s show, there was a small part of me that thought maybe, just maybe, one of the others would take it, as we saw some outstanding dances from the other three gracious couples (yes I said it – three, even Joe and Diane pulled out a great show dance and for the first time I can almost agree with the score of a 10 for it… call it Final Positivity). Regardless of how anyone danced last night, making the final and putting together a new and exciting show dance and perfecting the other two performances is a massive achievement from all and they must be congratulated on a job well done.

My winners of the night could’ve been Ashley and Pasha or Faye and Giovanni. They all danced out of their skins and demonstrated a master class of how a final should be performed. Ashley and Pasha’s contemporary show dance was risky, clever, exciting, unique and showed incredible skill and artistry, while Faye and Giovanni’s American Smooth style Showdance was beautiful, elegant and classy with proper old school glamour. Both showed how to deliver on the big night and in my eyes were the winners, week after week.

Ashley has come under a lot of criticism for being a trained dancer and I’m often asked my opinion on the subject, so let me tell you where I stand. In any given Strictly show, you need all different levels of talent and abilities. If every contestant was a novice, the show would be boring, if every contestant had dance experience, the show would be ‘dull dull dull darling’. You need the good, the bad and the ugly to make Strictly what it is and as far as I’m concerned, if the BBC have invited someone to take part, they deserve to be there and would be a fool to say no just because they can dance. It is indeed the BBC who should take the flack for these decisions, not the likes of Ashley. Here is why I think she really deserved her place in the show… Last night, she demonstrated another level of precision and ability that simply blew me away. The aim throughout the series is to improve week after week and Ashley continued to do this from start to finish. Ashley and Pasha may not have lifted the trophy last night but their degree of precision and their outstanding performance in the final may never be equalled again. If that doesn’t belong in Strictly then it’s a shame for the show and future contestants that might say no when asked. For me, she shone last night and deserved every cheer and 10 she received.

READ: Karen Clifton expresses love for ex Kevin Clifton in emotional strictly post

Speaking of 10s and potential winners, Faye and Giovanni were sublime last night! Their Showdance was outstanding and magical to watch and their Theatre Jazz was probably my favourite dance of the entire series so I’m glad we got to see that again. She has shown class throughout the series has been beautiful to watch. I say it often but when you get a performance that you wish you could be in, then it’s being done to perfection. I loved the lighting, the costuming, the theming and I loved them. Their Viennese Waltz wasn’t my favourite as the top line was a little funny (mostly from my mate Gio) but it still deserved the marks it received and the praise it got.

Back to the winners and I’m really glad we got to see Stacey and Kevin’s Paso Doblé again in the final. Another highlight of the series for me and last night I do believe it was even better than when they performed it in the series. It must feel weird getting the lowest scores and still winning but I hope for them they can savour the Paso as a fine moment in a big final and one that allowed them to compete with the others. I think Kevin’s choreography has been great throughout the show and, as I said, he played it perfectly in his climb to the top.

I’d like to say congratulations to the team behind the scenes. Hair, costume, makeup, lighting, music, production… all that contribute something to allow the couples to shine week after weeks deserve all the praise in the world. It’s an incredible team and the effort put in is amazing.

In my final paragraph of this column, I’d like to say thank you to all of my readers and Hello Magazine! for your support. In the very beginning, watching Strictly and commenting on it was a little odd for me but your lovely comments (and the odd critical one) have been great to receive and I’ve loved giving you my opinion on the show. So here’s to another fantastic series of Strictly, let’s raise a glass to all who took part, but in particular the winners of 2018! Congratulations Stacey and Kevin the 2018 Champions!