#anyway. yeah. long day at work today.
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also, the kids found a nest with a dead bird on the ground today, and they started yelling abt it n drawing all the other kids over, so i had to actually switch into the Authority Figure Voice(tm) with them so that they wouldn’t like. literally desecrate its body by kicking it around for funsies
#in general i'm just not really all that keen on using Authority Voice on children or people in general#probably bc growing up i got told a lot that i can sound really scary! actually scratch that during argumentative speeches#my prof was like 'i didn't wanna stop you outright bc it felt like you were going to snap at n kill me if i did' n i was like#'oh my god i'm so sorry no feel free to stop me whenever; it's just acting' so even Very Recently i have been told i have frightening energy#but i think mostly i don't like using it on kids bc. well. yeah i feel like it'll make them scared of me n i don't want that#like they're children. i'm not going to kill them. i'm not going to skin them alive. i hardly give punishments in general#but they're old enough to associate Authority Voice with massive trouble. like i can feel it in my bones too when i use it n i don't like it#it makes me feel like the kind of adult i'd have hated n resented the most growing up n it just makes me feel kinda ick#but at the same time it has its uses! like if it was just one to... mm i'd say like three or five kids i'd be cool w/just like#backing them up n then talking to them abt safety precautions when handling dead bodies but otherwise letting them get sticks n poke at it#but there were like five there at the start n then like five more were coming over so i was like. 'mm. cutting this short rn'#esp when one kid started kicking at the body w/o an ounce of reverence. like dude wtf why are you punting bird corpses around#but yeah i can't blame them for their curiosity; n i don't want to teach them that death is scary or dirty or anything#but wild animals can carry diseases and these kids are less than ten years old. i've seen how they handle things. they have no grace#anyway. yeah. long day at work today.#the worm speaks
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been trying out a new writing technique recently and it's called chilling tf out and reminding myself that fic is written for fun.
#making a little joke but also being genuinely serious#with my merwaincelot wip i've embraced having little overviews in brackets for what i want to happen#but idk how to write it just yet#if i'm feeling stuck or bored#and if i'm getting tired or the idea of writing an ending is getting overwhelming then i just call it a day and do something else#and yeah it's taking longer to write things (perhaps gone are the days when i wrote and posted a fic in the same night)#but it's working wonders with my brain#and it's amazing how as soon as i relax i get hit with several new ideas#just trying to adjust my thinking in that projects over a long period of time are not something to worry about#like i'm also planning a knitting project that i'll be doing well into september#(mainly bc yarn is expensive and my needs are hella specific)#but that's okay!#not everything has to be done and dusted immediately!#i'm glad i took a break from writing and i think it did do me good but damn i'm happy to be back#and enjoy still learning how to get even more out of my hobby#but anyway i'm just feeling a lil proud of myself today so#lit talks#personal
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been binging tf outa Avatar the last airbender bc ive been puking my EVERLOVIN guts out since yesterday and hear me out
#remy would probably get cool weapons or somethin but honey im so sorry it would be the reality#sk8 squad#ollie#ponti#oscar#abio#kari#vinny#remy#im Just Now feeling like the worst is over but holy fuck talk about misery#and i Have to go to work tomorrow anyway since i had to call bc today was supposed to be the recovery day but nOOO body said fuck u#cause this is like the 3rd time this has happened this year alone like i refuse to believe its just a bunch of food poisoning instances???#i been eating the same for years and i know my immune systems been shot ever since covid but that was 4 years ago now somethin aint right#pray for my downstairs neighbors they had to hear me fighting for my life every 30 minutes PFFFT EEUUUAAGHGG HUFF HUFF HUFF yeah#although i will say all this shit has really toned down my emetophobia now everytime i gotta puke i just let out a long disappointed sigh#but goddamn still brutal tho
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Alright so my last fic, the doubloon one (TW WARNINGS if you decide to read it PLEASE CHECK THE TAGS) may or may not have allowed me to actually look a bit more at the parallels between Harumi and him (as in my hc of him, how I wrote him and all since skybound clearly didn't give enough info on the guy despite how much i want that)
So here's a list of parallels I made for the two! They're kinda far-stretched but all my stuff are that way so. idk what you're expecting kslqfglqzkh
There's the facade, the fact that they're both playing a role to the ones they have called families for a big part of their life. An attachment on Doubloon's side, and I feel like Harumi must have had feelings for her adoptive parents as well, at least a bit
But they both knew their plans were more important then that. Their objectives, and staying alive at all cost.
Then there's the Quiet One stuff. They don't speak, even if they know how to (in my fic Doubloon doesn't speak per say but he signs) and only their current associates are allowed to see their true colors, therefore to communicate with them, while still being lied to (I doubt Harumi said she was the princess to the sons of Garmadon? But I might be wrong this is more of a hc to me)
The whole Double Face thing with Harumi and her make-up / Doubloon and his changing face (which is the only thing in common they have that I mentionned in my fic)
and this is because before their situation in those forced-found-families (adoption for Harumi where she most likely didn't have a choice and the wish cursing and forcing Doubloon to be part of the crew), they knew better. They had another life, and they had another family, people they loved.
there might be more. I know there is. But my brain is already tired thinking of things so I'll leave it here for now.
I actually wanna write more stuff about those two. Maybe they go on an adventure together, and they kill people, spare no one and all that
idk something
#hat's words#hat's fics#doubloon#harumi#I talked a lot today didn't I. huh.#it's the after effects of a long day of work sorry#anyways#as always if there are things you don't agree with/would like to add feel free to do so!#we're all different we all have different pov and that's what makes it interesting#or if I'm wrong about something#which i might be tbh#also sorry for the terrible english#yeah
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I named the plot "guess I'll marry the demon lord?" and I realized if I wanted a lengthier title it could be "I could conquer the world if I had ADHD medicine but I don't so I became a trophy husband instead". And then as I'm giving him various background traits I realized one little piece of information would make everything make sense. He's from Florida.
#my characters#i love reynold so much and he is so wonderful and he somehow manages to win the demon lords heart in a week#and the biggest problem the demon lord even has with him is that his outer appearance does not match his core#and it gives him a headache from the echo so hes like#are you cursed to be in that body cause i can revert you if you want...?#and hes like oh yeah sure thatd be great#and then they get engaged#and reynold is like .... completely enamored with his life and his husband in this weird world#listen i have so many emotions over reynold and sascha ok they are so good for each other#the demon lord acts as the florida mans impulse control and it just works somehow#also reynold wants to adopt the entire demon army and starts to refer to them as their children#anyway long day at work today and i gotta work tomorrow for a tiny bit and so i cant do fanart tonight#since i kinda .... took too long with this oops sorry
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Her. An Essay.
The spring air lies heavy in your lungs as you breathe in deeply, the bright smells assault your nose and waves of nostalgia roll off the hills. You know this is her favorite season so you’ve dressed prepared for the chill in the air.
It's a long walk to the meadow with a shovel in hand and wheelbarrow pushed in front of you, but you do it. When you get there, a girl smiles up at you from where she is playing in the grass.
You know her age, but do not say it. You know her name, but do not say it. You know her, but do not say it.
She says hello in that sweet mellow tone that sounds so foreign yet so similar and tastes like syrup on your tongue. Her eyes are wide and shining, but blissfully not tear stained- like your own- and her cheeks are round with a warm flush as her smile softens.
You do not meet her eyes, those same beautifully colored eyes that match yours, searching for a hint as to what you’re doing here. You gaze across the meadow instead but still catch a glimpse of her blue denim overalls and green shirt.
They match your own in a way.
You finally say hi back and take the shovel to the dirt under a beautifully perfect sycamore tree that arches into the sky; it rises before the two of you, right in the middle of the meadow. The dirt stains your clothes as you drop to your knees, using your hands more than the shovel to dig at the layered earth.
You hear soft footsteps behind you but don’t look up from your work. To your side you see the girl walk up to you again and she places a small flower behind your ear before grinning and moving to lay in the sun near you.
You pluck the flower out from behind your ear to examine it. A white petunia. A wistful familiarity to the flower washes over you and you tuck it back behind your ear before moving back to the freshly unearthed dirt.
You can feel her watching as you dig this pit, you hate the feeling of dirt under your fingernails. The mud cakes on your hands and crackles with every movement; it makes your skin crawl but you don’t give up now. After a small hole is dug, you grab the large stone and tools brought in the wheelbarrow and begin to carve. She sits next to you now, her smaller hands grip a rock in her own palms and she plays with it gently.
You carve a name you didn’t think you’d ever write again into the rock and place it at the top of the pit. She recognizes the name, tips her head smiling gently, and in an understanding manner she stands up.
And walks away. Around the back of the sycamore tree she disappears and then reappears.
She plucks a sycamore leaf off the ground when she´s visible again and looks up as you smile at her. She drops the leaf into the hole you've dug, then helps you repack the layers of sediment that you both know you’ll unearth again, in the future, to be intertwined together in the end.
But not now. Now, the earth is resealed and she smiles sweetly, laying a makeshift bouquet of petunias and poppies with a gentle hand.
You get up and hold a hand out for her, she doesn't look away from the earth you've both just moved and instead runs her hands over the top of the rocks again before sighing with a big smile. She gets up and grabs your hand, it's so much smaller and softer than yours yet you can still feel the dirt on both of your hands.
She grips your hand a little tighter, following your lead as you walk towards home, flower still tucked behind your ear you notice a matching flower behind her own. And you smile.
When you get closer to the house, her eyes are wide with soft recognition, a place so familiar to the both of you yet it feels cold and empty at the same time. You invite her inside again, it's been so long for you both, still the house is like an old friend, in a way. You hold open the door and she steps through.
She walks over to the dinner table and sits down at the far side, gesturing for you to sit on the other but you shake your head politely.
You aren't ready yet.
You ask if she’d like a drink, and she nods. You already know what she would like so you don’t have to wait for her to tell you. Passing over the tall glass with ice clinking in it feels like a ritual. You don't want to let go. You do. You sit down across from her.
You know what's coming next and it's hard. You know you have to accept it. Losing her again won't be easy but you know it's not permanent this time.
She takes small sips of her drink, smiling over to you but neither of you attempt to make small talk anymore, you both know how the interaction will end.
And it's not bittersweet. Neither of you are upset. She is content in a way you don’t think you quite understand yet. But you think you feel complete, whole and peaceful for possibly the first time in your life.
It's enjoyable to watch her glowing eyes look at you with respect and admiration, to be able to grow into what you did makes her heart beat with something adjacent to love.
And as you leave the house, knowing you will be reunited in the end, to be buried in love & hate, happiness & anger, and warmth & heartache. You know it's love. It's always been love.
For her.
-Her. An Essay. (By me)
Happy trans visibility day. This is an ode to the girl I was. We will be buried together in the end. I love you, take care.
#scamera writes#scamera poems#original poem#trans day of visibility#transgender#lgbtq#tdov#wanted to post this one eventually and figured today wasnt a terrible day to do it#anyways. idk if it comes across properly but this is about being and not being the girl i was#and how she was herself and in order to be me i had to dig her grave and by god she helped#but we will be intertwined again in the end#(idk if That makes sense ! guys my brain works weird)#also yeah. this one is a long one <3 i do call it an essay dont i#and idk how happy i am with this (i cant tell if it Seems positive but its supposed to be kinda)#it still feels much too story based for what i want but im okay enough with it that i will post it (im not Overly happy with it)#i dont think it needs any tags? just in case though#ask to tag#okay#i love you all & happy tdov#your body is your own and you are lovely
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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there
#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru#but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days#and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing#i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail#i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time#not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me#im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me#anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early#i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great#and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most#expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth#but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans#but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated#about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like#u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends#w yall. things happen#abby talks#and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw#a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes#OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it#was years ago but also like christ!
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weird birthday vibes this year, wonder if my brother is gonna text me back (we are twins) or if he’s just gonna ghost me again this year
poll????
#all the energy is off and a#lil shitty ngl#my two friends who live in my city are asking me like what do you want to do tonight what are your plans like???? i worked all day today and#the previous four days i dont want to also have to plan my birthday that’s YOUR job#if imma be completely honest#y’all know#me very well#i am very tired and do no want to have to plan this#perhaps a little bitchy of me but 🤷♀️#but yeah did double birthday text my brother this year which kinda feel like shit i wish he’d at least send an emoji back even if he doesnt#want to talk to me#anyways happy 26 🙃#ALSO my long term partner and i finally decided that we’re gonna call it quits and just be roomates a couple days ago and like it needed to#happen and i’ve been ready for a while it still feels weird everything feels weir’d we’ve#we were together for almost 6 years
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im GOING to write today ........ i WILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#the sky speaks#i havent used twitter in so long and lemme say i missed using tumblr like twitter. just putting my long rambly notes into a single post#anyways onto the rambling#i havent been writing or drawing like at alllll#too busy#also was so sick#but now that i have my new job and i know what my schedule is gonna sorta look like#3 days at joann 2 days cleaning w mom and 2 days nothin#PLUS i dont have to spend money on therapy til after the new year now#and mom is coming home and she seems rly optimistic abt sobriety#im feeling like i can finally create again !!!!#i have 2 creative presents i need to do before christmas#but aside that and 1 prompt still in my inbox (that i rly wanna do anyways) everything else i wanna do is all for Me :)#im kinda put out bc a lot of stuff i wanted to do this fall got shelved.. i wanted to make bday art of kirishima xinyan and kazuha.#i wanted to open comms. but im way too rusty w art rn to be confident doing that. maybe after new years?#god i wanted to come out to my parents properly. the day my mom went to rehab was national coming out day.#it was also one of my last therapy sessions. i came out to her instead#i still managed to do stuff tho. started my new job and got together with friends TWICE !! and i've kept up w doing my moms job alone#idk where im going w this anymore ive lost steam. but yeah. i wanna write today! idk what yet. i hav so many wips i could work on..
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Song of the Day: December 5
"Funeral Bell" by Phildel
#song of the day#not gonna lie there's a good chance this song popped in my head earlier just because of the line 'oh brother I long for sleep'#anyway I made a curry today that was so fucking good. it was so good.#I spent a good chunk of the day in the kitchen with my work laptop open (gonna get access to a frankly alarming amount of third-party data!#is it terrifying every time I catch a broadened glimpse of the reality of our surveillance state? oh yeah. ohhhh yeah. big time.#but am I going to let the pervasive anxiety keep me from accessing the data needed to provide context for my 5yr projections?#not a chance! if anybody's gonna benefit from our nation's hideous blatant data-grubbing it'll be me#and every coworker downstream who benefits from my automations)#and our whole house smelled like coconut and ginger and peppers all day it was /lovely/#anyway I can't do justice to Phildel's incredible crystalline voice on my best day but I like to croon along a million octaves below#and it is a gorgeous song#uhhh I didn't sleep at all! possibly recognizable in the hopskip multiple-'anyway's formatting of this tag ramble. I am Sleepless#but I have curry and also the personal info of over eighty thousand students at universities across the US and isn't that what's important#edit! hahahahahaha everybody laugh at me laugh at my foolishness. it's eight hundred thousand students. I've got the shakes.
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Today's (last week's, really) Trackpad Tuesday is sponsored by: Lying to your friends to protect them! I gave up on doing the dithering sorz
Process parts under the cut
#soda draws#taleblr#trackpad tuesday#blood#eyestrain#i keep forgetting parts of my design for him but WHO CARESSS#wouldn't be a fun fandom without that one person who draws bad awkward edgy mspaint fanart#<- i say that endearingly#yeah i colored the gloves. so what they get covered in blood anyway#i have a lot of useless things to say i'm writing this like half an hour after i finished at 2 in the morning i feel a bit panicked#i was drawing this and was like 'this is getting more about me by the minute' whatever THAT means#this was fun for the most part. took way too long. i really like leaving most of the sketch visible but it makes it hell to color#honestly he probably has a better memory than me but whateverrr mann#'so is the blood real or symbolic simon?' that's for you to figure out random person online reading my tags!!!!#whatever my problem is sucks two days ago i could barely get out of bed and today(ish) i whip SOMETHING up after working on it#for like 10 straight hours#i'm mostly just thinking about my unfinished assignments#ENOUGH TALKING INTO THE SCHEDULE FEATURE 4 YOU...
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#accidentally coming out at work on my first day is uh. well#it’s SOMETHING. scary and nice and scary some more y’know?#i mean my coworkers are queer but I’ve never been out at a job before bc I’ve never not had homophobic coworkers#so this is… yeah. i’m out to friends and siblings and hundreds of gay people on my phone sjdhej but that’s it#anyways idk how long i’ll have this job (or want it) but maybe this will be a good thing for my scared of being seen ass 💀#i was so nervous for today i felt sick but heyyy i survived :’)
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ourgejjg
#i am feeling so ill rn for no reason and i need to shower and wash my hair so bad but i can tell if i do it rn it’ll make the#lightheadedness ten times worse and there is a nonzero chance i will just pass out in there 😭#best guess is bc my period started today and yeah the first two days suck but they’re not usually This bad#personal#also this is the last thing i need rn it’s tech week and all rehearsals lately have been going/are going to go till 10 pm and i have no tim#to do all my assignments and my probability prof assigned a lab today that’s due TMRW AT MIDNIGHT? <- we usually get a class period btwn#it being assigned and the deadline and he’s not even giving us until the next class period to do it now like why is it due at midnight#instead of noon the next day… also i have not one but two exams immediately following this weekend and i really want to see my family for#easter but that sounds like such a bad idea im so unproductive at home and i’ll be busier than usual when i go home on top of that bc easte#and one of the exams is circuits for which exams are worth 90% of our grade and im averaging a 74% at the moment which is NOT#promising and. AAAAA#also have an exam this thursday which imnot nearly as worried abt but still. and i have to meet w someone abt a scholarship tmrw during my#free period so i Still can’t work on that stupid lab due tmrw night like. this sucks okay ‼️#the engineering chronicles#the music chronicles#i know it was only a matter of time before musical started stressing me out but 😭 please give me back the joys of saturday’s rehearsal…#oh also there’s ANOTHER probability lab due day after easter and same day as circuits exam and the prof is the same so he knows full well#what he’s doing like. why are you not giving us the usual period in btwn for these anymore fuck you <3#OH ALSO soldering qualification i need to do for like 3 hours wednesday the night before my thursday exam. nearly forgot abt that one i hat#it hereeee#soldering i could reschedule tho which i might do. but ive already pushed it back once so im like :/ do i really wanna do that#idk. still feel sick as fuck and still need to do physics prelab tonight 😭 it shouldn’t take long but i really don’t want to get up and#stare at my computer even more ifeel so awful rn#ANYWAY. sorry that was oversharing even for me i am just 😐 you know.
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ohohoho boy update. today at work it was just us doing cheese while everyone else pulled an ice cream order, and i was like hey if youre not busy saturday would you want to roadtrip with me? and i fully expected him to say no, but we are roadtripping to nebraska on saturday <3 <3 anyway what playlist do i put on in the car. do we trust him enough for get loose get looser
#music wise. i think maybe take a walk in the sun or normal music. not sure about glgl yet#i will probably put him on aux for at least half of the trip#(and when i say trip i mean like. 6-7 hours round trip. like we're not going very far for very long)#we're leaving at like 2:45-3pm and i get sleepy around 10 so not like a super good road trip for me#i told him that the way i plan trips was usually a long drive based purely off vibes but i would try to have an actual plan this time#and i asked him what time he would want to be home for work the next day since he works at 6am#and god he was so cute he was like 'i'll call off work on sunday so you can do one of your usual trips'#and yeah. sighh i am down so bad#and i HAVE to promise to be normal on this trip. i always get weird in cars late at night.#but theres Implications of him being in my car like 100 miles from home. so i cant do or say anything weird#like could you imagine being in a car with someone you dont like and they start being weird. like what the fuck do you even do.#but anyway yeah good day. he was very talkative today. and he is so cute sometimes i cant stand it#work is really fun when theres 6 of us and i can stand there while the underclassmen do all the work#boy post#oh and he said he was going to message that he was streaming skyrim but it ended up being boring#so that revealed some info. 1) twitch streamer 2) did think about texting me at least once last week 3) trusts me to know about his twitch#ugh. i would love to just hurry all this up but i have to be patient i have toooo#okay! off to take a disease quiz and then study some ice cream#talk to you later tumblrinas
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So I might lose my heat because the douchebag propane gas service that my dad is enrolled in to refill every few months.... has evidently not refilled our propane tank in a few fucking months as the capacity is measuring below 5%. And they don't want to come out today lol
#my dad checked it by chance while walking the dogs#when he first called they said they were going to come today#then they called back and said#''well it can last 4-5 days under 5%'' yeah bitch ASSUMING its the firsy day its dropped under 5% and not the third or fourth day.#because who fucking KNOWS how long its been so low because you fags havent been refilling it. like youre fucking supposed to. lol#hate me normies who see 5pm and become allergic to literally any kind of work or any sort of exception to any emergency whatsoever#like sorry cuntress is my impending heating emergency impeding you from getting home on time?#refill my fucking propane tank you bitch lmao. fix your wrongs AS IS your responsibility to do so.#disclaimer: cuntress and bitch are being used gender-neutrally in this rant. any worthess man woman or otherwise nonbinary person may be a#a cuntress or bitch in this context. anyway#its 36° and dropping. :)
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#ugh my brain is being so mean to me today. and for what??#(i know. its because i dont have any long term plans.)#(and my Brain No Work Syndrome is fucking up my ability to do anything about it.)#my whole 'situationship' is the first thing to spring a leak when im anxious/stressed lol#its like a canary.#''hey he only likes you for how you look. also youre ugly and he actually hates you''#hmm. hmmmm. those arent Good Brain Day thoughts lmfao#and sure enough here i am. feeling needy and not liking myself much.#and i would rather swallow a cactus then contact my friends with this. because im already ugly and stupid (/paraphrasing myself)#i shouldn't be annoying as well#and dw im not going to do anything unsafe or whatever.#last thing i want is people to be worried.#but uh yeah. screaming into the void it is.#god forbid i keep a thought to myself.#god forbid i dont beg people to affirm my self esteem that's made of cardboard lol#ugh. yeah anyway bad brain day. sorry
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