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suffarustuffaru · 5 months

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why the emilia camp thinks otto is their most threatening member 👍

i see some people being confused on why the emilia camp collectively seems to agree that otto is the biggest threat there for some reason and like. yeah. i get it.

but let me explain real quick why i think it makes sense for the emilia camp to think that :O !!

otto though is disarming because. well okay look at him he doesnt look threatening at all. he has the looks and personality of a wet cat. hes whiny. hes cringe fail. he gets stressed out with paperwork. he looks like you could just smack him around like a bug. he HAS been smacked around like a bug. but that makes him unpredictable because apart from roswaal, he is the Most Amoral one there. you can expect roswaal to be trying some shit, but youd never know when to expect otto is planning something. his moral compass is just “does this benefit me or my loved ones in some way? if not, then its gonna be gone 🥺”.

sure, he does nice things sometimes out of the goodness of his heart. he genuinely means well a lot of the time.

but also then you read the shit hes thinking in his internal dialogue and its like.

“should i go save some girl i dont even know from bandits??? hmm lemme think for a couple minutes. im the only one that can help rn… some guy claiming to be her dad is begging me to help his daughter, but also hes kind of annoying… but i dont even live in this city so why should i help… or Care. actually. but i feel kinda bad about this girl… but also this is gonna put me and my profits in danger… but if i reject helping then im forever gonna be known as the guy who abandoned them and then i wont be able to make any sales in this city anymore :<<<< ……anyway im gonna help them then lol im so smart.” and then he gets captured by the exact same bandits anyway so hes like “well okay now me and this girl might be sold into slavery so i might as well save both of us or ill feel bad ☝️☝️”

(yes. yes this is genuinely ottos thought process if you read through the Otto's Bittersweet Peddling Log side story.)

except all the back and forth Calculation he does in his head Stays In His Head and doesnt match up with his outward appearance most of the time. which means that sometimes his words dont match up with his actions. “dont be surprised if i leave at the first sign of danger,” he says, right after risking his life and writing a suicide note over a dude hes known for like four days. “ahah thanks for giving me a vacation to see my family…” he says, damn well knowing he cant go back home yet otherwise he’ll get sniped by assassins. “im gonna give you some of my own money bounty money to help you BUT BUT BUT DONT THINK THAT IM NICE OR ANYTHING I NEED MOST OF THE MONEY FOR REPAIRS OK YOU CAN ONLY HAVE A BIT :<<<“

this also means that whenever otto says or does something Particularly Questionable, all his friends are still kinda blindsided by it because otherwise otto seems Mostly Fine in comparison to whatever the hell everyone else has going on. hes just a wet pathetic cat of a guy ahah. theres nothing more going on with h—

“if everyone in vollachia dies but rem and natsuki-san live, then we’ve won. if everyone in vollachia lives but rem and natsuki-san die, then we’ve lost.”

um otto can you repeat that. what the fuck did you just say.

otto looks Mostly Normal, Just Stressed Out or Somewhat Chilling the vast majority of the time, and then he whacks you over the head with a steel chair. like can you imagine being garfiel and learning that this pathetic rag of a man is actually pretty brave when it counts. youre like “oh cool lol we kinda beat each others asses and i was Annoyed but now that thats all over i got some newfound respect for you!!” and then you read through his diary and hes got a suicide note in there, which is like. okay fine whatever hes kind of a clown just like my New Captain lol but hes dedicated to his friends, ill give him that. and then a year later you find your now brother figure (whos also lowkey highkey an alcoholic) with a broken hand after punching a wall because he couldnt do his Lets Abandon 50 Million People Plan and youre just sitting there going

and okay dont get me wrong—subaru is Batshit Crazy. in Multiple Incomprehensible Ways. if the emilia camp (or Anyone. At All.) knew about all the shit hes done and been through with rbd, subaru would INSTANTLY be skyrocketing up the Most Threatening People list. but at the same time subarus less threatening than otto in the sense that subarus Always going to want to do good. hes Always going to want to save everyone. hes Extremely forgiving, on top of that. he goes along picking up friends everywhere he goes in his own Incomprehensible Unhinged Way and hes fond of All of them.

otto? yeah his opinion of you could shift on a dime and you could end up in his personal shit list unless youre one of the *checks list* *clears throat* maybe like ten people he cares about. and even if youre on the I Care About You! :) list, he could still get pissed enough at you to, i dont know, punch a wall over you? and spiral into obsession? and even if hes not upset at you hes still gonna mansplain manipulate malewife his way to his goals <33

and yeah of course subaru is also Mansplain Manipulate and Gaslight Gatekeep but at least he has way more good intentions AND his attitude about it is gonna be like "sorry :<<< i just gotta do this for your sake :<<<<<< :((( haha dont worry about it". subaru would never ever want to do anything big to hurt his loved ones (except for rbd). while otto doesnt even bat an eye. everyone can be manipulated if he has to. he goes down his list of Things I Need To Do and goes "yeah that had to be done. oh well. anyway i got more shit to do (like maybe kill a toddler lol)"

also lets talk about roswaal's perspective really quick. post-arc 4 hes like "well subaru-kun is always gonna want to save everyone and hes doing a pretty good job of things in general so whatever lol. i can still keep him in check by killing everyone if even one of his friends dies :)". so its like. YEAH subarus an Unhinged Wildcard. roswaal knows that. but right now subaru is more predictable and also again, roswaal knows he can keep subaru in check by making subaru have to reset if roswaal really needs to.

but otto? yeah ottos second in line for being an Unhinged Wildcard. but whats even worse is that otto is Basically Subaru but More Calculating and with a moral backbone thats Near Nonexistent. roswaal was genuinely concerned for otto in arc 8 for once and there was still Literally No Stopping Otto from being a stubborn little shit whos hell bent on all the maladjusted insane mentalities hes got floating around in his head, half of which he doesnt even say out loud, and all of which he thinks is Completely Right and that theres Nothing Wrong with what hes doing.

and also otto being underestimated and Not In The Tome was a big help as to how subaru got the win over roswaal in arc 4 👍and then otto Continues to try keeping an eye on roswaal after arc 4, to the point of getting roswaal's tome and actively trying to investigate roswaal's actions, so roswaal is Very Aware that otto is. a bit of a threat. roswaal of course is smarter and more powerful than otto though, but that still doesnt change the fact that otto is still capable of being a threat if roswaal doesnt Also kind of keep an eye on otto back. because roswaal kind of lost to otto already in arc 4!!

but okay, on top of all of this, no one knows the full extent of whats going on with otto, not even roswaal (though he has his Suspicions), and most definitely not subaru yet (whos Still a bit of an otto apologist anyway), and otto is already a bit menacing even without knowing All of that. and the rest of the emilia camp are already a bit more lenient with roswaal (as hes seemingly chilled out after arc 4 + they all need him still). that, and you can easily Expect roswaal post-arc 4 to be suspicious and Probably up to something. you wont know what it is, but you wont Exactly be surprised when it happens.

and also roswaal isnt publicly batshit crazy like otto is. otto of course isnt as Openly Weird as subaru, but otto is still Openly Unhinged and Pathetic. just look at him declaring julius and anastasia, HIS CAMP'S ALLIES, as enemies right to their faces alsdfjlsdjfl.

and with subaru, there is Zero doubt in the emilia camp's minds that subaru wants the best for them and everyone around them.

otto though? yeah he also wants whats best for the camp. he Cares about them, he really does. but hes so obviously Questionable by the time you get to arc 8 to the point where the entire rest of the camp starts eyeing him like this:

theres also the fact that ottos dp allows him to have eyes and ears Everywhere so long as he doesnt overuse it. that paired with his Intelligence, Stubbornness, and Lack of Morals or self-awareness/sometimes guilt/regret over his actions is dangerous. theres a reason why gluttony if subaru decided to flood The Entire Surrounding Area Around Otto. the flood took away the potential army otto couldve made out of the animals and allies otto had in the city, and once you do that, whats otto going to do against someone like shaula? all of ottos power regarding his People Skills and Animal DP was stripped away.

but if that Isnt stripped away... well honestly otto can do whatever the hell he wants the moment he figures out a solid plan to try and get what he wants. his biggest ability at the core of what makes him dangerous is his ability to quite Literally be in the background. so long as hes underestimated, so long as he still has secrets, no ones gonna know the full extent of his bullshit!! you cant stop him if you dont even realize what hes going to do, and hes Good at doing that!!

and if gluttonybaru hadnt taken out otto, subaru would be skyrocketing right to the top of ottos shit list after subaru literally just killed All of ottos (and previously subarus.) loved ones. otto wouldnt stop until he figured out how to destroy subaru. its to the point where im pretty sure if otto had to choose between destroying half the world vs kill gluttonybaru once and for all, otto would certainly choose one of those options in a Heartbeat.

anyway. if youre an emilia camp member, and you see the dude whos in charge of the Vast Majority of the factions political affairs, the guy who you Know is very intelligent and competent and determined when it counts, say shit like "if everyone dies in this entire country i wouldnt even give a single flying fuck as long as our friends get back safe and sound :) it would be such a loss if the entire country lived but our friends didnt :<<<" OF COURSE I WOULD BE LIKE YEAH THAT GUY IS THE MOST DANGEROUS ONE HERE. HE HAS THE SKILLS AND THE MOTIVATION TO BACK UP THAT STATEMENT AND I WONT EVEN KNOW WHEN ITD HAPPEN. he also has the Mental Instability to back that up too, given the amount of times he spends drinking and Raging and Being Terribly Anxious over Every Little Thing.

youll be sweating buckets being wary of otto while ottos casually standing there with his wet cat looks and a knife in your back.

and otto has, for the most part, some of the most normal trauma compared to a bunch of people in this cast (not to discount ottos trauma and pain or anything but its true lajdsfls sorry otto. but also im not sorry because arc 5 was partially on you T^T). he doesnt have rbd, he doesnt have some weird family drama bullshit going on like the astreas or emilias family or the segmunts, he hasnt been erased by gluttony, etc etc. but hes still like this. if you put him in subarus position and gave him rbd, he would get even worse than he already is.

yeah so anyway thats my quick rambley psa about why i think it makes sense that the emilia camp's voted otto as the most threatening one there 👍

but the fact that we (the audience) (or at least some of us!!) keep questioning why the hell the emilia camp thinks otto is the biggest threat there is means that otto's funny silly guy image is. Kind of Working??? just a little bit.

because. granted. of course i think subaru is easily the most threatening person there with both His Flavor of Insanity and rbd. subaru is an eldritch horror in every single way. but at the same time - hes an eldritch horror who thinks friendship is the best magic of all T^TT !!! he FORGIVES PEOPLE WHO'VE KILLED AND TORTURED HIM. hes not threatening in this sense - the fact that hes kind of just way too nice in this sense!!! granted yes, he IS abusing rbd and Terrifying and Threatening in a multitude of ways, but i'd rather take my chances with mainbaru over main otto right now HAH T^TT at least subaru will apologize and start bawling his eyes out if he stabs some random innocent civilian and stranger in the gut for Some Necessary Reason!! otto would feel a bit bad and then completely Eradicate that feeling of guilt with "i had to do it. it was them or me so no regrets <3".

because otto..................... yeah otto is the Worlds Most Pathetic Yandere to his whole camp.

#this is an impromptu ramble post i made again while taking a break from homework alsjdflsd but yeah ive been seeing people Still being #confused about this over on reddit so i felt like typing smth up about it just to try and figure this topic out!!! bc you think the emilia #camp would be voting up like roswaal as their most dangerous member right??? but no!! its canonically otto!! which is very fascinating hah.#and it genuinely doesnt make sense at first until you think about it for. a While.#re:zero #rezero #arc 8 spoilers #otto suwen #natsuki subaru #roswaal l mathers #did i write this just for that last line of this post?? maybe....

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stars-n-spice · 2 months

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Thoughts on s3 ep 07!

fuckin bitchass episode broke my "no crying streak" of fuckin,, one episode, fuck you

anyways,, y'all know the drill,, spoilers and me screaming under the cut!

i love commander wolffe so much

when the clone assassin (who is Tech,, let's just be honest here,,) got out from under the rocks I was like, "Hey what the fuck,, that should've KILLED you" and was also like "ok so that's definitely Tech, why the fuck does he keep coming back??"

wolffe being like "these are clones" gave me so much hope,, baby I hope you come around and join your brothers,, I am BEGGING

something something,, being defective,, not following orders,, the clone assassin operative,, yeah,,

uGH wolffe looks so so so good in TBB animation

Batcher licking Nemec :(

Crosshair does a lot of,,, "I'll handle it",, he wants to feel useful I'm - :(((((

shakey hands,, ughhhh

the "operative" is surviving WAY too much for him not to be important

"we need to go" - "we're waitin on you" :(((

"she only bites half of the time" OH MY GOD,, PLEASE

I love you Batcher, you are the best girl

GET YOUR FUCKING DOG BITCH - IT DON'T BITE - YES IT DO,,

lmao i really thought they were going to get away and then they got fucking shot down,,

Wrecker's groan when Batcher jumped on him to get out of the ship asldkf;a

I'm so happy about Wrecker not getting a lot of screen time but I'm also not,, because to me less screen time means less of a chance of him dying or something but it also means less of me getting to see him

but everything he does on screen is wonderful,, he's amazing and I love him and he could just be standing there in the background just breathing and i'll be acting like he just blew up the death star or something

CROSSHAIR IS SUCH A GIRL DAD

I cannot get over Crosshair and Omega's dynamic oh my GOD

Star wars, you can't give us this good of a dynamic for only ONE season,, PLEASE let them survive

him checking up on her,, making sure she has all her things and sticks close :((( FUCK

I love how it sounds like it's physically hurting Crosshair to ask Omega if she's good and has her things together,, that's so funny to me

"You're just as bad as Hunter" - "Oh, I'm much worse." OH MY GOD.

screaming crying throwing up

i went, "Nemec and Howzer better not die" AND THEN LIKE TWO MINUTES LATER NEMEC GOT FUCKING SNIPED

i was so mad

CMON

Howzer changing his mind about Crosshair :(( wondering if he's thinking about Hera :((((

"Loyalty meant something to me" UGHHHHH, fucking,, AGGUHHH,, the essays that could be written on Crosshair and loyalty,, FUCK

oh the way Crosshair is as open as he is to talk about what happened :(((

godDAAMMNN

when Wrecker did the thing,, where,, he like,,, he um,, y'know,, like the,, move where,, and he,, he bashes,, bashes uh the two,,, bashes two heads together,, and knocks them unconscious,, hmm, yeah,,,

WRECKER PROTECTING BATCHER?!?!

that man is perfect oh my god,, fucking HELL,, I want him so badly,,

"I don't like that idea" - "too bad" AGHHHH YOUR HONOR I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

something something Crosshair doing the most to feel useful and needed UGGHHH

hey is it just me or did the animation for the water with the waterfall look,, like,, weird?? or strange?? idk,, it just seemed off to me

ALSO THAT FIGHT?? fuck that was cool

also if that really is Tech,, Crosshair got his ass handed to him by Tech lmao

BUT ALSO IF THAT WAS TECH,, the fucking angst man,, he seriously almost killed Crosshair,, holy shit

Howzer's new look is so,, MMh,, the,, fuck,, the holster straps on his thighs,,, the pouch on his chest,, ughh

the fact that these operatives like,, KNOW Crosshair,, they KNOW he went through the program and didn't comply the way he should've,, idk,, it's just,,

"you chose the wrong side" FUCKING LEAVE HIM ALONE MAN YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP MAKING HIM QUESTION SHIT AND HIS PLACE IN EVERYTHING FUUUCCCKK

Crosshair looked fucking terrified during that fight and for good reason too he was getting his ASS handed to him (granted he doesn't have much of one but still-)

also,, him being not super great in hand to hand combat got me thinking because,, dude's a sniper,, he keeps his distance,, his thing is long range shit,, and fucking,, boy if that doesn't reflect on his character,, not wanting to get close,, keeping a distance,, MAN

HOWZER TO THE RESCUE <33

for the like,, third time my assurance that this operative is Tech was ruined as he fell down that waterfall but I am a fucking FOOL

Crosshair said "thanks" that's fucking crazy

OH I'M SO HAPPY ABOUT REX AND WOLFFE HAVING A FACE TO FACE TALK (hunter and Cross take notes)

UGGHHH SO HAPPY I GOT TO SEE WOLFFE'S BEAUTIFUL FACE

i was so scared when Wolffe was like "I'm a soldier of the Empire" BABY YOU'RE NOT

PLO KOON COME GET YOUR SON AND FORCE GHOST TALK SOME SENSE INTO HIS FINE ASS

but then he let them go :((

Gregor showed up on the screen and I fucking,,, I fucking swooned

wolffe is going to be in SO much trouble after this,, oh my god,, I'm so scared for him

BUT THAT BETTER NOT BE THE LAST TIME WE SEE HIM FUCKING HELL

did i mention how fucking fine Wolffe looks in TBB animation??

there's so many fucking wide shots of,, characters on opposite ends of each other,, like,, fucking hell,, i get it

WE GOT THE SEELOS TRIO IN A SCENE TOGETHER AGUUHHHH

Gregor you are so fine

his new armor,, ughh

WOLFFE fucking,, mmmh,, shit

fucking knew the operative would survive that shit,, fucking hell

alrighty folk BUCKLE up,, seems like the next episodes we're going to start getting some confirmations about Omega!

cried when Rex and Wolffe were talking to each other

i was so happy the "i thought the end of the war would be the end to losing our brothers" conversation from the trailer was here because I was scared it was going to be a conversation that was going to happen after losing Echo or something,,, for now he's safe

ugh,, i already miss wolffe

#tbb #tbb s3 #tbb spoilers #tbb s3 spoilers #the bad batch #bad batch #tbb hunter #tbb crosshair #tbb echo #tbb wrecker #tbb omega #captain rex #captain howzer #commander wolffe

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analogwriting · 1 month

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Star-Crossed

Chapter 21: Corazón

Donquixote Rosinante x gn!reader word count: 4.5k first|Smutilogue (afab, amab) a/n: pls, i know this is a honkin' chonker but i really didn't have a good middle place to separate it sdlfkjsdflk. and here we are. technically, the end. (just got the smutilogue next) it's been a long ride but we made it lmfao anyway smut coming soooon <3

You sat there with wide eyes, blinking a few times. Were you seeing this right? Anthony? What was he doing here? How did he get in without anyone noticing? You rubbed your eyes for a split second, but he was still there. Your head was spinning so fast it almost made you feel sick.

“What are you doing here?” You kept your breathing even, keeping yourself in check. You didn’t want your heart machine to go haywire and alert anyone. How the fuck even sneak in here? Where were his men? They were usually- Right. You killed them. Whoops. Still, how did he get into the hospital?

He stood there for a moment, just staring at you. You could feel that hatred radiating off of him. The air around him was dark and dense, menacing towards you. “When you want a job done, you have to do it yourself.”

Your stomach dropped. Immediately, you knew what he meant; sounded like one of you were leaving this room in a body bag. “You sent Trinity to kill me, didn’t you? She’s the one that shot me.”

“Yeah. And she’s a lousy aim too.” He clicked his tongue and shook his head as if disappointed in a student’s grade. “Unfortunately, still a lot of work. Still a shame that I had the perfect pawn who ended up being completely useless.” He glared at you - if looks could kill…

You felt your eye twitch. There was nothing except hatred in your heart for this man. You didn’t care for him, you just wanted him gone and out of your life. You were tired of this. However, you weren’t going to let him kill you either. You were going to make sure that he was leaving in a body bag.

“I’m going to ask you one more time, y/n.” You stared at him, coldly.

“You don’t need to. My answer is the same. Especially now.”

What happened next happened in a mere matter of moments. Anthony ran at you, brandishing a knife. You acted quickly, quicker than you thought you could. You grabbed the knife that you had when you ate dinner. You were glad that Shachi had ended up grabbing you a decently sized one.

When Anthony reached you, he hesitated, pushing the blade to your throat, but not carrying it out. The blade pressed haphazardly against your skin enough to cut it, but not enough to do any lasting damage. It was just going to look a lot worse than it was. “Don’t make me ask a…gain…?” His words immediately slowed down as he realized something, his eyes widening.

While he had hesitated, you didn’t. The knife you had was currently lodged into his chest. You had also angled it just right to pierce his heart - you were a doctor after all, this kind of attack was stupid of him. Honestly, any move would’ve been stupid on his part when you knew the human body as well as you did. He would’ve had better luck sniping you from the window.

He stared at you with wide eyes as he looked down at the knife. Blood began to trickle down from the wound, to the hilt, and onto your hands. Your own eyes widened as it sunk in what you had just done. It wasn’t long before blood was all over the place and you felt sick to your stomach. Obviously, it wasn’t just from killing. You spent your entire life doing that, but this was your father, even if it was just a shell of a man he once was.

For a moment, you felt warmth wash over you. You looked at the man before you and his face seemed to change, softening. He smiled at you, truly and genuinely. Like he did when you were younger. “There’s my little, angelo. All grown up.” He put a hand on your head and pressed your foreheads together.

“I’m so proud of you. Thank you.”

Tears started streaming down your face. “No, no, no, no,” you mumbled, panic setting in. “Papà, per favore.” You began to beg whatever deity out there to turn back time, but you knew it was useless. The machine you were connected to started to go haywire, picking up the pace as you felt your father going slack, the life leaving his eyes and body.

You didn’t know your father had still been in there. You wouldn’t have killed him otherwise. Though, he probably wouldn’t have ever reverted back to his old self. Not before doing insane amounts of damage, at least.

You heard footsteps running down the hallway. You assumed that was Marco considering your heart monitor was currently going absolutely nutballs. You weren’t expecting, however, Corazon to bust through the door. Why was he here? Didn’t you send him home?

He didn’t hesitate for even a second. The look on his face was one you hadn’t seen before. It was completely serious and he looked ready to kill someone. If you weren’t in emotional turmoil right now, you’d be turned on in all honesty.

He made it over to your bed in a couple strides, moving Anthony from your lap with ease, gently setting him on the floor before taking a sheet from the closet and draping it over him. He walked back over to you, taking your face in his hands. “Did he hurt you?” He noticed the blood, tilting your head up before frowning deeply.

You just looked at him with wide eyes, opening and closing your mouth several times, but nothing came out. Tears streamed down your face and you were completely at a loss of what to do or say - you were frozen, in shock.

Again, Corazon wrapped his arms around you, pulling you in close. Again, you held onto him. You weren’t exactly sobbing like you had been earlier, but the tears were falling as you just stared off into space.

You heard more footsteps coming down the hallway and people entering the room. Between the muffled voices and the vibrations of Corazon’s chest, you could assume he was probably instructing them to remove Anthony from the room, but you couldn’t exactly make anything out. You couldn’t focus, everything seemed so far away.

“I’m going to pick you up. Let’s get you cleaned up.” Your boyfriend was talking to you this time, speaking close to your ear so that you could hear him. You couldn’t move or respond, so he lifted you out of bed anyway, heading into the bathroom that connected to your hospital room.

You were mostly out of it as Corazon cleaned you up, muttering words of encouragement to you. You caught some of them, but didn’t really process them. You felt like you couldn’t breathe. You had just killed your own father and it turned out he had still been in there somewhere. What kind of fucked up twist of fate was that?

Once he cleaned you up and bandaged your neck, you felt hands on your face again and slowly you were grounded again, making out Corazon’s face before you. “Hey, it’s going to be alright.”

“I killed him,” you whispered.

“You were protecting yourself.”

“But I killed him.” You swallowed hard, trying to process things.

“You said it yourself, that wasn’t the man you remember. That wasn’t your father.”

You paused for a moment. “It was…at the very end. It was. And now he’s gone.” You frowned deeply, feeling your chest grow heavy once more as you wanted to cry again.

“Perhaps…” You could tell he was getting ready to grasp at straws to help you feel better. “You freed him then. You said it yourself, he was trapped under so much grief. It changed who he was.”

You stared at him for a long moment. He was right. What happened completely changed him as a person. He even apologized to you in that stupid hallucination you had and he had thanked you for what you had done.

You just…you didn’t even know what you wanted. You wanted all of this to just…stop. It was just too much right now. You closed your eyes, letting your head fall forward slightly, resting your forehead on Corazon’s.

He held you there, letting you take the time you needed. You were so grateful for him and his understanding. You kept your eyes closed, letting your emotions run their course. You just wished you’d been able to have a real conversation with him. Your father, not Anthony, just one more time. A proper goodbye.

You took a deep breath, pulling away from the man before you and opened your eyes. He looked at you with such warmth, but also deep concern. You knew you’d be okay, it was just going to hurt for a while. Luckily, for the most part, you had already said your goodbyes.

You sniffled, taking a deep breath, and wiping the tears from your eyes. “Okay. I’m good.”

You went to stand, only to remember that you’d been out for a month. Your muscles had been severely atrophied and the basic movements of ‘exercise’ that you were supposed to do with coma patients only did so much. If Corazon hadn’t been there, you would’ve collapsed to the ground. He scooped you up with ease, heading back into your room. He was surprisingly not clumsy when he needed to be.

The room had been cleaned, all evidence of a struggle gone. No blood, nothing. Not even your leftover dishes were still left. They were moving you to a different room as instructed by Marco as soon as the two of you exited the bathroom.

Well, at least you wouldn’t have to stay in the room your father died in.

Once in the new room, you were settled into the bed, sighing. You looked at Corazon for a moment. “Why are you here? I told you to go home.” You looked at him, narrowing your eyes at him. You honestly just wanted to switch the subject, you didn’t want to think about your father anymore. You just wanted to be able to move past this.

Corazon rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know…I had this nagging feeling and then I just heard some voice tell me I need to go back to the hospital as quick as possible. So I may or may not have snuck out.”

You stared at him for a long moment. Could that have been your mother helping you beyond the grave? Maybe she knew your father was coming and knew that you’d need some comfort. She did say in that dream that she was always looking after you. You were grateful for that.

The image of Corazon trying to sneak out of the house like some teenager crossed your mind. Sneaking out of the house from his own son. The more you thought about it, the more funny and ridiculous the scenario. It wasn’t long before you found yourself giggling softly.

“What?” The man before you wrinkled his brows, trying to figure out why you were laughing.

“You! Having to sneak out of the house from your own child.”

“Law can be scary when he’s mad!” A pout formed on his face, making you laugh harder. “And you’re the one who told him to keep an eye on me! But I knew I had to come back! Ah, you’re so mean!” His voice was slowly turning into a whine but you couldn’t stop giggling. He was just so cute and adorable, you couldn’t help it.

He folded his arms, turning his head away as he huffed. Oh, he was pouting big time and you couldn’t be more amused by this. “Aw, c’mon, amore.” You reached out, pulling him in by his shirt. He was slightly surprised, looking at you with wide eyes. His face was a deep shade of red.

“Forgive me? Just this once?” you mused, leaning towards him. He just looked at you for a long moment before smiling himself. “I suppose I can do that.” You grinned widely, pulling him in for a kiss.

It was at that moment that you realized it’d been a while since you’d kissed him. After all, it was before the heist, right? You’d been out for a month. Your body was yearning for him, but you also still had a lot of recovering to do.

You’d shag him soon enough.

You pulled away from him, his own skin flushed. “Join me.”

He looked at you with a confused expression. It wasn’t until you moved, making room in the bed for him that he caught on. He nodded, crawling into the hospital bed with you. He wrapped his body around you, you curling into him instantly. He was so warm and you weren’t talking about just temperature. You felt safe in his arms. It felt like home.

You knew that Law was probably going to be pissed come morning. Corazon should probably go home, but you needed him here. You didn’t want to be alone right now. Law would live.

You yawned, closing your eyes. It wasn’t long after that before exhaustion finally caught up to you and you passed out.

“Cora!” The two of you awoke the next morning to the sound of Law shouting through the hallways of the hospital. You grumbled, slowly opening your eyes. You felt Corazon shoot up from beside you.

You looked over just in time to see Law stride into the room with an irritated look on his face. “Cora! What the hell? Why did you sneak out like some teenager?”

He looked at you, confusion on his face. “You’re the one who told me to take him! Why didn’t you at least let me know he’d come back!” You sucked in your cheeks, biting on them to keep from laughing as Law scolded the two of you like some parent who caught their kid doing something they weren’t supposed to.

“But Law,” you heard Corazon whine, his voice still thick with sleep. You looked over to the clock, it was well into the next morning, so the two of you had been sleeping for several hours.

“I don’t want to hear it! I thought it was odd that you weren’t up early in the morning, but I had chalked it off to you being tired and finally getting some sleep! But noooo, you had snuck off in the middle of the night like some rebellious teenager to see your partner!” He groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose and you couldn’t help but chuckled softly.

“I promise you, it ended up being a good thing.” You spoke up this time, the young intern looking at you. He narrowed his eyes and sighed. “Fine. Whatever. I guess I’m glad you got some sleep finally. Just don’t ask me to look after him again if he’s just gonna end up with you anyway.”

You laughed and nodded. “Will do.” You saluted him and he folded his arms, pouting much like Corazon had last night - like father, like son.

Marco entered at that point, blinking as he took in the scene in front of him. “A party and no one invited me?” He frowned. You noticed that he looked significantly less exhausted than he did yesterday. He must’ve gotten some rest too now that you were awake. You still somewhat felt bad for worrying everyone - even if you knew there wasn’t anything you could do about it.

“It wasn’t planned, Marco. I promise.” You smiled at him and he smiled back.

“Alright. Time for me to perform a check up and talk about some treatment plans.” You just laughed at him as he tried to play the big doctor with you. You both knew damn well what the plan already was.

After a few more minutes of conversation, Marco sent Law and Corazon to grab some food. The two of you went over what the game plan was going to be for the next couple of weeks. It wouldn’t be too much. Just resting and some physical therapy to at least get you walking properly again.

As much as you didn’t mind Corazon carrying you around, you couldn’t just rely on that as your only method of transportation.

The next couple of weeks went by smoothly. The physical therapy was nothing. You know your own limits, which already helps the process. A lot of issues with physical therapy was people not knowing their limits and pushing themselves too far, thus pushing their progress back. You, however, knew exactly how much you could push yourself before it would be too far, sending you into a speedy recovery.

Corazon stayed with you most of the time. He was there first thing in the morning and there as late as he could stay - you made sure to send him home to get proper sleep, much to his dismay. He helped you with your exercises and always brought in some kind of dessert to brighten up your day. You had no idea what you did to deserve him, but you were glad you had him.

There were a couple of times you tried to jump his bones, but you also knew that you had to be careful. And you were in the middle of the hospital and in charge of the place. You had an image to uphold. It wouldn’t be professional if you were caught shagging your boyfriend out in the open like that.

You did, however, imagine some places where you could jump him where you wouldn’t get caught, but that was for another time. You were still in recovery, sadly.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” Corazon’s voice rang through your head and pulled you out of your thoughts. You looked over as he walked in. You glanced at the clock, you didn’t even know it was that time.

You crawled out of the bed, standing and stretching. You hoped you’d get discharged soon. You also had a feeling Marco was holding you longer than usual to make sure you were properly rested. He also wouldn’t let you help with the hospital in any aspect. Rude, but you’d deal. Besides, Corazon has been doing a great job in distracting you. The hospital wasn’t the only thing you thought about anymore.

“You.” You watched as his face grew pink, grinning as you decided to take it a step further. “Specifically, you naked.”

As if some invisible force shoved him, he suddenly took a tumble, crashing to the ground face first. With you being you, however, you easily moved forward and caught him. You also knew that if you said that, it would fluster him enough to make him fall. You’d started to be able to predict certain behaviors.

He looked up at you with a blazing red face. “Why would you say that!” He pouted slightly as you helped him upright, snorting. “Because you’re cute when you’re flustered.”

He made a noise akin to a whine as he covered his face. “Oh my god, you know how to embarrass me,” he mumbled. You smiled widely, shrugging. He wasn’t wrong. You knew exactly what to say to rile him up. “Anything to get that red to show on your face. You look the best in red.” You lowered your voice, slowly getting more sultry as the conversation went on. It only made his skin turn more red - you loved it.

“Y/nnn,” he whined, covering up his face. With a laugh, you reached up and removed his hands from his face, revealing his pout. “Okay, okay. I'll chill out.” You pulled him down by his hands, kissing him softly.

“I'll save it for the bedroom.” He choked and you burst into laughter, letting him go as he fell into a coughing fit. You were on a roll this morning, relentless in your pursuit.

“Careful, breathe, amore.” You rubbed his back and he more or less glared at you as he slowly recovered, causing you to snicker some more. “C’mon. It was a good joke. A great joke, even.”

Once he was recovered, you slid your arms around his neck and pulled him into a light kiss. He groaned softly against you, kissing you harder. You let out a small noise of surprise, gasping slightly. He took the opportunity to slip his tongue past your lips as you pressed your entire body against him. You could feel your own body slowly heating up.

You heard the door click, signaling someone entering. You pulled from Corazon, breathless and laughing. He frowned, pouting a bit as you pulled away. “I’ll jump your bones soon enough,” you mumbled to him, his face red; from the mini-make out session or your comment, you weren’t sure.

You peeked around your boyfriend to look at Marco who was standing at the door with his eyes narrowed. He looked at you for a long moment before holding his hands up. “I actually would like to stay curious, thank you. Anyway.” He put his hands on his hips and looked at you for a long moment.

“I'm discharging you on one condition.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, mirroring his stance. “And what's that?”

“You're going to go home for a week and rest up. You need a mental break out of this damn place for the rest of your healing process.”

You opened your mouth to protest but Marco held up his hand. “So help me god, do not protest. I do not have the energy. I need you in excellent condition so my bitch ass can go on a vacation after you get back.”

You blinked, staring at him before laughing. “Okay, okay. Fine - that’s fair. I'll finish resting up at home and then I'll come back, doctor. Then you take as much of a vacation as you need.” A smirk appeared on your face.

“Maybe you'll get laid and be less cranky.”

Marco threw his pen at you and you yelped, hiding behind your boyfriend. “Coraaaaaa, save meeee.” You fell into fits of laughter. You honestly hadn’t felt this light in forever. Just being able to be silly was a luxury you’d never had before.

Corazon wrapped his arms around you, shielding you from Marco. “I'll save you, y/n!” This caused Marco to roll his eyes. “Ugh. Gross. Anyway, I’ll leave you to get ready to go. I’ll be around, so say bye before you go.” He waved as he headed out.

You pulled away from Corazon with a small sigh. “Looks like you finally get to see my place,” you mused with a large grin. He mirrored that grin. “About time. I was starting to think it didn’t exist. That maybe you did live at Whitebeards - not that it’s an issue, just inconvenient for some things.” You chuckled, shaking your head. Seems he was just as horny as you were.

It didn’t take you too long to gather your things. You didn’t have too much here. Most of the stuff you had were things you kept in your office anyway; phone charger, laptop, things like that. You had a couple shirts and pants but nothing that couldn’t fit in a small bag that you’d shove in your trunk and forget about until who knew when.

You said goodbye to Marco and everyone else. Everyone seemed glad to see you go. Not necessarily cause they didn’t want you around, they just wanted you to have some actual rest and reprieve away from the hospital - and you were also excited to have some time away.

You’d finally get some much needed alone time with your boyfriend.

Speaking of, where was he? He said he was going to meet you by the car, he just needed to talk to Law really quick. You leaned against the door to your car, scrolling through your phone. You’d finally purchased and set up a new one. What else did you have to do while bedridden for the better part of a few weeks?

You weren’t paying attention when a shadow passed over you. You looked up at your giant boyfriend and grinned. “There you are.” He was just looking at you and you tilted your head to the side. “Cora?” You blinked, concern stretching over your features. Was everything okay? What happened?

“Everything o-” He cut you off as his lips crashed into yours. A surprised moan escaped you as you immediately gave into him. You’re not sure what just brought this on, but you weren’t one to turn down a make out session with him. You felt his hands cup your face gently before slowly making their way down to your hips and groping them, making you gasp.

He suddenly lifted you up, placing you on top of your small car. You always forget how fucking fall he was, surely bending down was awful on his back. However, the entire time he moved you, he didn’t once stop kissing at you. You weren’t sure you’d be able to hold back much anymore if he kept this up. You’d fuck him in your tiny car if you had to.

“Ah, fuckin’ c’mon!” You gasped, looking over and pulling away from Corazon as you heard Law’s voice tear through the air. Your boyfriend didn’t even look at Law, just staring at you with a drunk-in-love stare and a goofy grin.

“Get a room!” Law’s face turned into a grimace. “Awww, c’mon! Love is in the air! Smile!” Shachi chimed, throwing his arm around his best friend’s neck, Penguin joining in. “Yeah, don’t shit on them just because you’re pathetic and alone.”

“I think it’s rather sweet that Corazon has someone he looks so happy with,” Bepo said with a nod and a bashful smile.

Law’s eye twitched and he shoved his friends off of him. “Shut up. You guys are about to walk home. Well, not Bepo, but you other two are about to walk home.” There were cries of protest as the quartet took off. “C’mon! Why does Bepo always get away with everything!”

You couldn’t help but laugh as you watched them. “They’re always so lively,” you commented. “They always have been.” You looked back at the man before you, noticing that he hadn’t taken his eyes off you the entire time.

You leaned in close, hearing his breathing hitch. “What do you say we take this to my place?”

“You don’t have to ask me twice,” he said, heading to the other side of the car.

“You just going to leave me up here?”

“Oh! Ri-” You heard him smack on the ground and you snorted. “Please don’t break yourself before we get to the good stuff. I don’t think I’ll be able to wait any longer.” Corazon was on his feet faster than you’d ever seen him move.

“Don’t worry. All good.” He lifted you off the car, setting you down. “You literally have a bloody nose.”

“It’ll be fine.”

You’d take care of whatever the damage was back at your house. Right now, you wanted to get as far away from the hospital as possible. Once he set you on the ground, it was only a matter of a few moments before you were speeding off, laughing with Corazon by your side.

Smutilogue (afab, amab)

#are there still a couple loose ends yes #am i going to tie them up #probably not #one piece #one piece x reader #one piece x you #donquixote rosinante x reader #donquixote rosinante #donquixote corazon #corazon x you #rosinante corazon #corazon x reader #corazon #rosinante x reader #rosinante #am fics #sc

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wildissylupus · 7 months

Text

I see people joking about how, despite being one of the best snipers lore wise, Widow always seems to miss her shots.

And I know this is a joke but I thought I'd actually analyse this.

Cause that's what I do.

I look way too far into dumb bullshit.

.....ANYWAY-

The times we see Widow in an active sniper role is in three cinematics. The ones in question being The Overwatch Cinematic Trailer, Alive and Infiltration.

Let's start off with the cinematic trailer, now the first thing to point out is the fact that Widow misses several shots on Winston;

Now this.... is just kinda embarrassing. Winston was standing still, he doesn't have a helmet on, and he's fucking huge, Widow, honey, you need to stop drinking before missions-

Jokes aside I can justify her not getting a headshot for more reason then just "lack of aim or skill".

For one this is what happened before hand;

And I don't care how genetically enhanced she is, she isn't Jack or Gabe, she's going to need some time to recover from that. Soe her missing headshots and even some body shots in this moment is understandable. However, she does have time to recover when this happens;

Lena is right on her, she wasn't even that quiet, and she was startled by that. She doesn't even realise that Lena is there until she starts talking.

This isn't even the first time she had to deal wither Tracer sneaking up on her, and the first time she actually handled it better. This brings us to Alive.

Where this happened;

Through out the fight in Alive, though she does fight against Lena well, she doesn't land a shot on her until the end. Not only that but we see that she already had a clean shot on Mondatta, she had time to shoot him then but didn't.

In Infiltration, she doesn't really do much on screen, and she never really got a clean shot due to Sombra. In the times she is active Reaper is the one doing the killing, not her.

Now what does this have to do with Widow missing her shots? You might notice that I never use the comics as an example, that's because most of her time in the comics is in positions where she is in her element. In all these examples there are common flaws that other sniper characters like Ana, Hanzo, Cassidy and even Ashe don't have. Widow, as a sniper, lacks the ability to land a shot when doing sudden movements/repositioning, and lacks spatial awareness when trying to take a shot.

Despite what fans and Widow herself thinks, she was not trained to be a sniper in active combat. She was trained to be an assassin, a hidden threat, the backup plan. So her being in these active fights where people are aware of her, are her weak spot.

Let me pull up the examples again and compare them to how other characters who were trained to be in the full blast of combat react.

In the Overwatch Trailer we not only see Lena sneak up on her, but an untrained kid steal Doomfists gauntlet without her noticing;

Compare this to Cassidy in Reunion and there is a very big difference;

Not only that but if you actually look at Widow's fighting style compared to the other snipers, it lacks personality. Lore wise if you genuinely look at Widow fighting, she is very precise and is always focusing on the target but there is no movement she does that feels like her own style.

Let's look at the other snipers, both Ashe and Ana are very still when sniping, however Ana uses a lot of swift movements and tends to reposition herself regularly. She's always aware of her surroundings to the point where we have never really seen her be snuck up on. As for Ashe, her stance is much the same as Widow, however, you can tell the reason she stays a lot more still is because she is a very team orientated fighter, not only that but in Deadlock Rebels she does move around a lot more.

There is also the fact that both of these characters have fighting habits, both tend to do back-to-back fighting when fighting along side another person, Ashe tends to either use B.O.B as cover or just tends to look for cover in general. Again, Ana tends to reposition a lot not only that but an over the shoulder shot when someone is sneaking up on her is something specific to her and Cassidy.

Speaking of which I could make a whole separate analysis on Cassidy and Hanzo's fighting styles. If Ashe and Ana's fighting styles have personality then Cassidy and Hanzo's are swimming with it.

Hanzo uses a mix of long and close ranged fighting, often combining the two, he also moves around frequently, not staying in one place for a long time. Another thing he does is if one angle doesn't work he instantly changes the trajectory of his arrows. And I won't get into it too much here, but he also uses his bow as a melee weapon more then in necessary.

With Cassidy he's a lot more improvised, as well as he's a lot more aware of his surroundings then any other character. Meaning he ends up using the environment a lot more then the other aim orientated characters. In "Train Hopper" he uses a tunnel to his advantage to take out several Talon agents, in Reunion he uses several environmental factors to throw off Deadlock members, he also is very much a close ranged fighter when in active combat.

I am telling you all now that I am holding back a lot because this is a Widow post but I REALLY want to talk more about Cassidy and Hanzo's fighting styles. I find them so interesting.

The thing is with Widow is that she fights on a technical standpoint, she fights like a Talon member, not like herself. She fights like a sniper, a basic level of what Ana and Ashe do, but considering what her gun actually does, I think she would be a better sniper if she fought more like Cassidy and Hanzo, using a combination of long ranged and close ranged techniques.

I also think that if she added more of herself when fighting she's have a better chance of handling herself in a 1v1. Which is something I hope happens in her redemption. I would love to see her use dance techniques when fighting, or use the fact that she would be a lot more flexible then a lot of other characters to get into positions that other couldn't.

I think that her being emotionless and her only using the skills taught to her by Talon is actively holding her back from being a better sniper. It's something I really hope is pointed out in canon. It's something I genuinely hope is a big part of her arc and how she bonds with other characters.

And I think I need to re-iterate this, Widowmaker is still a great shot and a great sniper, she is just not really as skilled as she thinks she is. She was trained to be an assassin, which I believe she is the best assassin in the game, but as a sniper in an active battle field she is not as good as the other characters.

#overwatch #overwatch 2 #overwatch lore #overwatch headcanons #analysis #ow #ow2 #ow widowmaker #widowmaker #amelie lacroix #fighting style

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purgetrooperfox · 10 days

Note

Hewwo 👉👈 Do you have any roach hcs or info to share? I don't think I know him

well he's only in mw09 and cod mobile so 😅 there's like. basically nothing to his personality in canon

he's British in mw09 and American in codm iirc but they're two separate canons and it's all very silly

in mw09 he's one of the primary player characters, faceless and voiceless per tradition. he was a sergeant in 141 under Soap, worked a bunch of ops with him and a few with Ghost and a couple with Price. you can find a list on the wiki

I don't know jack about codm but here are some comic panels a friend of mine showed me dkdjdjfjjf only the bottom four are sequential, he's in the mask and goggles

I think he's just an operator skin in the codm game? and it's just a copy-pasted milsim skin that they called Roach? but whatever lmao

I don't know if you care about plot or spoilers so I won't uh. put the big one here

and that's it, that's canon Roach :)

but Roach in my brain,,, ⬇️

I personally am very fond of American Roach. southern Roach my beloved. I think he deserves to be yeehaw. giving him a small town upbringing and no one can stop me

I also think he deserves to be a weapons expert for two reasons. 1) southerner, 2) as the pc he's equally competent with every weapon he gets his hands on. good for him

honestly a lot of how I think about him is influenced by how I play mw09. scrappy in a fight, plenty willing to smack a mf with his gun, deeply sarcastic commentary, aversion to stealth missions, etc etc

more ⬇️

bolt action enthusiast but not much for sniping, etc etc

I also tend to think of him as kind of an asshole! abrasive! not all the time but his tolerance for bullshit is low. he won't throw hands but he'll tear you a new one so thoroughly that thrown hands might be preferable

blunt might be the word I'm looking for. blunt in general, abrasive and snappy on occasion

what else. uhhhh

heavy smoker

the most stubborn bastard on the planet. this is beneficial in wearing Ghost down enough to [redacted]

cough. ghostroach go brr. they rile each other The Fuck Up. Ghost is a proven hardass but what I like about 09 Ghost is that it's fully plausible that he's also got a sense of humor, no one traipses around in that mask with those glasses without a sense of humor

and that combination resonates at the same frequency as Roach from my brain. insults as flirting but they both know it's flirting. refusal to cede an inch of ground when Ghost is in hardass mode. frantic desperation and also quiet, fragile intimacy. so much trust

do you see my vision?

Roach from my brain also has immense, bottomless respect for Soap. that's his captain that's his buddy he'd follow him into hell. blind trust that gets reinforced every time Soap doesn't get them all killed

more wary of Price! Price is a little unhinged! no lack of respect, he's just MonkaHmm squinting a bit. morbid curiosity about just how far he'd go

there's no proof that Roach wasn't around when Gaz was so I'll run with it. Gaz was an inspiration to him. his unhingedness was fine by Roach because crucially, Gaz wasn't a captain. I miss Gaz

anyway I feel like I could ramble on but this is like. the core of him. always happy to chat though!

#cod #roach sanderson #asks answered

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sednonamoris · 11 months

Text

once bitten

Pairing: John Marston x gn!reader

Summary: John and Abigail’s relationship continues to deteriorate as Arthur begins a clumsy courtship. You and John run off hunting to get away from it all, but things don’t exactly go to plan.

Warnings: Angst, emotional constipation, canon-typical violence, animal violence, hunting, strong language, weird and complicated love square pt. 2, brief dream sequence, more wolves

Word count: 3,551

A/N: I’m sure in a few days I’ll like this but right now looking at it any longer will make me cry - bone apple teeth :) Covered a lot of ground with this one 😮‍💨

Series masterlist • AO3

—

There are fresh wildflowers hanging around the entrance to John and Abigail’s tent. Jack has new clothes, unfrayed and free of patches. There’s a healthy flush to Abigail’s cheeks and a sparkle in her eyes that’s been missing for you don’t know how long - ages. Arthur walks around camp with a jaunty step and whistling tune. Even Uncle says something about how happy he seems.

John isn’t happy at all.

In fact, you’re sure he’s never been madder.

Every time Arthur walks by he sneers or makes a rude, too-loud comment to whoever he’s talking to. When he spies Abigail or Jack he snipes a nasty word their way or disparages any kindness Arthur has done. The flowers are ugly. Half-dying. Why the hell did Abigail have to put them up, anyway? And those new clothes look stupid. Can’t Jack be grateful for what he has already? This ain’t a life of luxury here. And so on.

“That boy is lost,” Dutch says to you one afternoon, shaking his head while cigar smoke curls around him. John is chopping wood across camp like each log has Arthur’s face on it, chest heaving and sweat dripping down his brow. “Running once again, though he remains here among us.”

You frown, arms crossed. “He’s an idiot, lettin’ things get this bad in the first place.”

“Maybe,” Dutch chuckles softly, “maybe. He’s blind, certainly, to miss what’s right in front of him.”

He looks meaningfully at you when he says it, and you shift under the scrutiny. You’ve always known that Dutch knew - Hosea knows, and there are no secrets between them - but he’s been kind enough not to say anything over the years.

Until now, you guess.

“What do you think he ought to do?”

You know what you want him to do, but it’s silly and selfish and Dutch has always been better at this sort of thing.

“I think,” he says, like he’s been waiting for you to ask, “I need this family whole again. John has a choice: to step up and be father, or to let Arthur do it in his stead. Love catches us all, in the end - one way or another. But maybe you’re asking me what you should do.”

“Maybe,” you admit on a sigh. “I’m afraid I might be lost, too.”

You’re scared to look him in the eye but feel him stare right through to the heart of you anyhow. He grasps your shoulder with one hand and tilts your chin to face him with the other. His brows are pinched together over strong features that feel like home after running with him for so long. Your own father’s features have long since faded to dreamlike memory.

“You, Arthur, John,” Dutch says, “you’re the children I never had. Figure this out before you break your old man’s heart, will you?”

There’s something you can’t place in the depths of his gaze - a love or a warning or a promise. It doesn't really matter because whatever it is he’s right; this has to be fixed sooner than later.

—

Things come to a head when Abigail kicks John out of their tent in the middle of the night. In nothing but his longjohns and the pitch dark he shouts every obscenity he can think of at the tent flaps, but she doesn’t budge. Worse, she doesn’t even shout back, and half the camp is woken anyway.

After sulking by a campfire that isn’t much more than embers he tries again. Her rejection is even quieter, this time, but no less apparent.

So he tries your tent instead.

John pokes his head past the flaps and you blink through sleep to see him flushed, equal parts anger and shame with just a shred of hope in his expression. “...You got room in here?”

Sometimes you wish you were a worse friend.

“Jesus, yes, fine,” you grumble. “Hurry up and shut up.”

He steps in with his bedroll and sets it on the ground beside your cot while you roll over and pretend to fall back asleep. Still, you don’t miss his quietly mumbled thanks or way his breathing evens into soft snores in a matter of minutes. You eventually close your eyes to the sound and sleep away the few lavender hours before dawn.

—

He is not forgiven by morning. If anything, more time to think about it has made Abigail even less compromising.

“The hell did you do to her?” you ask over breakfast, but he only glowers in response.

She’s giving him the silent treatment, going about her day without so much as a glance in his direction. It’s driving him crazy. Especially because she makes a point of talking to Arthur instead every time he tries to start a conversation.

“That woman,” he seethes. “And Arthur is no better! What did I ever do to deserve this?”

You can think of an itemized list, but you don’t tell him that. You’re still busy feeling sick for telling Arthur to go for it in the first place. Christ alive, you’re more guilty now than you ever have been about robbing and killing folk your whole life. It might not be so bad if Arthur didn’t take every opportunity to rub his intentions in John’s face, but the two of them are worse now than when they were kids.

You want to confess, to make yourself the villain instead, but what if John will never speak to you again afterwards?

…What if that’s what you deserve?

“That’s it,” he stands so abruptly the table rattles. You jump, startled from your spiraling thoughts. “I’m gettin’ out of here.”

“John Marston if you tuck tail and run again you can forget Abigail, I’ll kill you myself.”

“Not like that,” he says. “Hunting trip. Just a couple days; I need to kill something other than Arthur. Would you—” he cuts himself off, squirms in place. Can’t quite look you in the eye. “Do you wanna come with?”

“Sure, yeah,” you hear yourself agreeing automatically. “Someone’s got to make sure somethin’ doesn’t gnaw off the other half of your head.”

He scrunches his face. “Real funny.”

You allow yourself a faint grin. “I know.”

—

It’s quick work to get the horses tacked while he packs rifles and food enough for a day or two and triple checks the location with Hosea, who looks like he can’t decide how exactly he ended up raising such a bunch of fools. His brows raise when he catches your eye past John’s shoulder. You can feel the helpless expression on your face in response.

Arthur makes a point to wish you luck. Not John, just you. Abigail keeps busy with Jack at the far end of camp without so much as a word. Dutch steps into place beside Hosea and sends you off with a meaningful stare you feel long after camp has passed out of sight.

—

“Apparently some feller told Hosea about some real big elk in that forest out past Valentine,” John says as the two of you trot along. Moonshine takes two steps to Old Boy’s one, but you’re making good time. Even the pack horses you’re ponying along keep pace just fine.

“Cumberland?”

“Yeah, that’s it. I figure between the two of us we can take at least one down - maybe two - and bring ‘em back to camp. Pearson might even happy with us, for once.”

“He’s plenty happy with me,” you scoff. “Charles, too. We bring in game all the time.”

He rolls his eyes. “Whatever.”

You smile to yourself.

It’s a fine day for it, if a bit cloudy. Looks like it might rain later. Cumberland isn’t quite as green as you like, but the spruce trees stand tall and proud and the grass is coming in full, sprinkled with deceivingly pale and delicate flowers for what you know it takes to survive out here. Still, it’s not too sunny, not too warm, and the faintest whisper of a breeze fans your face with the scent of late spring and coming rain. Hard to complain about that.

Even skirting around Valentine you make it to a decent campsite before the evening goes grey and the drizzle begins. Muscle memory makes quick work of striking up the tents and unpacking the bedrolls. John gathers the driest kindling he can find while you hobble the horses. You warm a can of beans over the newborn fire while he scouts around for a rabbit or squirrel to complete the meal.

“Feels like I can breathe again out here,” John says once dinner is ready and the two of you are settled around the campfire.

Something about being out in the wilderness makes even bad meals taste better. If Pearson tried to serve this up you’d riot, but here? Rabbit and beans is about the best thing you can think of.

“No such thing as bad country,” you agree.

“I don’t know about that. You remember Ohio?”

You groan. “Don’t remind me. That was a terrible winter. I ain’t built for cold like that.”

“You ‘n Javier both,” he snickers. “I’m surprised you didn’t complain so much in Colter.”

“Colter was different. So many people gone, and the rest half froze and scared,” you look away and sigh deep. “Wasn’t my place to complain.”

“I guess,” he blows out a loaded breath. The tin plate resting between his knees is all but forgotten. “Still hard to believe we lost people like that. Do you think Mac is alive out there?”

“Hard to kill a Callander. Still, I don’t fancy his chances. Those Pinkertons are mean sons-’a-bitches, and the law was on us out there like stink on shit.”

John snorts out half a laugh. “Sure were. Feels like the whole thing was a setup. And Dutch—”

“Dutch what? Javier said he didn’t have much of a choice.”

“You weren’t on that boat,” he shakes his head. “He says it was her or us, but I can’t help feeling like that girl didn’t have to die. He spent our whole lives tellin’ us not to kill in cold blood. Weren’t nothin’ hot-blooded about that.”

A shiver runs down your spine remembering the glacial calm on Dutch’s face as he dragged John to shore, spattered in blood and a bad situation. Not regret.

“Sometimes there ain’t no way out but the hard way.”

Never regret.

“Yeah,” John says. “Maybe.”

When you make your way into your tent for the evening the staccato beat of rainfall lulls you to sleep. You dream of storms. Rain comes down red and thick as blood. When you look down it’s covered your hands. Stained them. When lightning strikes you hear a woman scream. Instead of thunder, Dutch’s laugh echoes.

—

The next morning you lie on your stomach on a ridge overlooking the Dakota. Pale dawn light filters through the mist and makes the morning shimmer. You breathe deep and steady and quiet and try to focus on the elk at the other end of your scope and not the way John is pressed so close to your side, his own sighted rifle at the ready. A whole herd lies below. They take turns keeping watch and grazing and drinking their fill from the pebbled shoreline. Hosea’s man wasn’t wrong; the smallest cow among them is easily six hundred pounds.

The both of you rose with the sun to start tracking them through the wood. Last night’s rainfall made their muddied hoofprints easy to follow. Through the brush and down to the river you scouted and crouched and checked for scat and broken branches. Now they’re settled on the riverbank for the morning,

“I was hoping for a bull,” John mutters.

“Meat is meat,” you roll your eyes, “and these are damn big cows, besides. Which one you dropping?”

“I’ll take the one by the tree. You?”

“Other side of the river, head down drinking.”

You feel him nod beside you. “On three?”

“One…”

Inhale.

“Two…”

Exhale.

“Three.”

C-Crack!

Your shots fire off almost simultaneously, scattering the herd all at once, save the two that are dead before they hit the ground.

John whistles for the horses and you make your way down rocky paths to the riverbank. You settle on dressing them at camp and hoist the bodies onto your pack horses whole, heaving with effort. It’s a good thing the little Morgans are sturdy.

“We should head back,” John scans the ridge, shifting in place, “before anything smells the blood.”

“Sure.” You swing into your saddle and take the lead of one pack horse.

John ponies the other off of Old Boy, and you pick your way back up narrow pebbled deerpaths to the main road. It’s early yet, and you’ve only been gone a night, but meat is best fresh and it’s not too far a ride back. Still, you’re slower now than you were coming out here. You tell yourself it’s because the horses have a much heavier load this time around, but it rings false even to your ears. What it is is selfishness. Out here in the wild things are simple and John is all yours. Back at camp life is far, far more complicated.

“Wish we could’a stayed another night,” John breaks the silence, voicing your own thoughts. He glances at you sideways from his saddle. You pretend not to notice.

“Too bad we’re not worse hunters.”

He sighs and rubs his jaw. “Yeah. Just not sure if I want to see Abigail so soon. Or Arthur. The pair of them—”

“Can’t we talk about somethin’ else?” Your shoulders hunch, defensive, and your lip curls somewhere between a plea and a snarl.

“Really?” John turns his head to you fully and pulls his horse up. The closer you get to camp the harder it is to forget the tensions that wait for you there.There’s a mean shine in his eyes, clouds before the storm. “Seems like you been happy to talk to Arthur about it all. Karen said—”

“That’s different.”

“How the hell is it different? Last I checked it was you ‘n me, not you and him.”

“It’s different,” you insist, arms folded and glare full of thunder. You open your mouth to say something more - something mean - something you’re sure to regret, when a rustle in the brush snaps your gaze past John and any argument to the forest behind.

The horses dance beneath you, spooked and snorting. Their eyes roll white. The commotion gets closer. In moments a blur of brown and tan and desperation comes barrelling out of the brush; the biggest bull elk you’ve ever seen. You swear it looks right at you before puffing out a frantic breath and galloping away.

“What the—” John curses, but you aren’t left to wonder what was chasing it for long.

A bone-chilling howl cuts him off. One, then two, then three wolves emerge from the forest in hot pursuit. If they hadn’t called you might not have noticed them until it was too late; their grey-brown coats blend into the brush perfectly, and each padded footfall is all but silent. Powerful muscles ripple through their shoulders as they run. It’s as beautiful to watch as it is terrifying. You don’t think you even breathe. John is just as petrified beside you, face blanched and hand straying up to clutch at his still-healing scars.

They’ve almost passed entirely when your pack horse rears up, whinnying desperately at the scent of a predator. You shush her but it’s too late; The wolves stop their pursuit and stare at you instead with their hungry golden eyes. Saliva drips from their maw. Midmorning sun glints off their canines.

You fire your pistol at the ground near their feet, hoping the sound will scare them off. Two shy away and take up the elk’s trail again instead, but the biggest of the lot jumps back for only a moment before circling the horses once more with a savage snarl. Fuck. You don’t have a spare hand to reach for your rifle, and neither does John if you have any hope of keeping hold of the pack horses and your respective kills. Another bullet does nothing to deter it this time. It circles even closer and snaps at Moonshine’s heels. He squeals and kicks out, narrowly missing the wolf, which pins its ears and growls at the close call.

Everything in you screams to run, to get far far away from this predator that stalks closer and closer still, but you know that even if Old Boy and Moonshine take your direction, in their panic the pack ponies will flee every which way, tearing the leads from your hands and making themselves easy targets.

“Go on, get!” John shouts hoarsely.

The wolf’s lip only curls in response.

This time when you fire your gun, your aim is true. Big as it is, a single bullet from a pistol is only enough to make it mad, but you’re desperate. It lunges forward, and you empty the chamber into its skull. The horses scream. Your pack pony tears away into the wood. Moonshine nearly skitters out from beneath you. Old Boy rears up on John.

But with a final whimper the wolf lies dead.

“Shit,” you curse. “Are you alright?”

Now that you can finally turn to look at him, John seems about as rattled as you feel. All the blood has drained from his face, making his scars stand out even more, stark pink against white. His grip is white-knuckled and shaking ever so slightly around his reins and the lead of his pawing pack horse.

“I fucking hate wolves,” he says.

It’s easy to agree.

“C’mon,” you say, “that pony can’t have got far.”

“What should we do with the wolf?”

You shrug. “Skin it if you want, but I doubt the hide is any good after I shot it full of holes.”

“You think that elk got away?”

“I dunno.”

You tilt your head at him, eyes squinted, but other than scared he seems fine. Still, he stares at the wolf’s prone corpse just a moment too long before following you into the brush to retrieve your missing horse.

—

The rest of the ride back is silent save for the creaking of saddle leather and occasional snort from one of the horses. John keeps looking over at you like he wants to say something. Every time you look away and spur your mount forward before he can.

—

“Hey, you’re back already!” Javier calls from midway up the path to camp. He whistles lowly when he sees the haul you’ve brought with you. “What’s with the faces? This will feed us for weeks.”

“Long story,” you say.

John just shakes his head.

“Siempre algo con ustedes,” you hear Javier mutter as you pass. You wish he wasn’t right.

You hitch the horses as close as Ms. Grimshaw will allow and begin the huffing and puffing process of getting both carcases strung up near Pearson’s station for proper dressing. John takes one end while you take the other and heave it off the horse.

“Take a look at that - what a beauty!” Pearson says when he sees the size of the cow.

“Quit lookin’ and help us get this damn thing up,” you grunt. “Jesus, it’s heavy.”

The work is cumbersome and awkward, but between the three of you it gets done. Jack appears somewhere between stringing the first and second one up, staring with wide, innocent eyes. He doesn’t say a word, content just to watch. You flash him a small smile. John ignores him entirely.

At least until Abigail joins him.

“Surprised you’re here,” he jabs. “Got tired of Arthur while we was gone?”

“No,” she huffs. “He’s gone to Strawberry to fetch Micah. I— The boy, I mean, was worried ‘bout you is all. Didn’t think you’d be back so soon.”

“Didn’t plan to be.”

She puts her hands on her hips and he glares, forced into some sort of stalemate.

You busy yourself with Pearson and try to look everywhere but at them. Both keep glancing over to you for something. Support? Vindication, maybe? Abigail’s eyes are heartbreak blue, and you feel yours widen when they meet hers, backed into a corner you still don’t fully understand. When you finally manage to break away the grey of John’s waits for you; ash and ruin.

Like the coward you are, you tuck tail and retreat with the excuse that the horses still need to be untacked and cooled out, nevermind that Charles has already started the job. You hear Abigail say that she and John ought to talk, if he can get his head out of his ass long enough for a serious conversation. You’re out of earshot before his retort comes stinging.

“Are you okay?” Charles asks when he sees the look on your face.

You sigh and manage a grimace. “Sure.”

He glaces back to where John and Abigail stand before meeting your eyes once more, all sympathy. Left without something to say - because what is there to say, really? - he puts a strong, warm hand on your shoulder. The solidness of his touch should be reassuring, but it only reminds you of how fragile and broken everything else feels.

#john marston x reader #rdr x reader #rdr2 x reader #ghost story #ch. 17

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bunglegaydogs · 1 year

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Oda and Dazai's relationship

Forewarning now that I've finished it; This is fucking long. Like, I;m not joking, this is almost 10,000 words. Anyways, if you want to read some of it, enjoy! <3

The things in this anime that get me are Odasaku and Dazai, Dazai and Chuuya, Yosano and Ranpo and Ranpo and Fukuzawa. Those dynamics FUCK ME UP.

And so because I like to torture myself with tears and emotions, I'm going to go on a rant about Dazai and Odasaku, because holy shit I finished The Dark Era LN yesterday and I was crying so hard that I was dizzy, shaking and could not breathe. It fucked me up fr. Anyways, I love their father/son / brother dynamic, so :)

I don't even know where to start with this? It's going to be an incoherent and incomprehensible rant, but I need to get my shit out there.

Their relationship is one of the most intrinsic and gut wrenching. Not just on a familial level, but on a personal level. Despite them never being personal with each other, they knew each other the best. Literal best friends. And that's what's so heartbreaking about Oda's death. Dazai never opens up to anyone, he never shows his true face, and always hides his intentions. When he shows his "true face" it's for a split second, blink and you miss it. As I said in a previous post, remember the Wan! jumpscare? Where Atsushi got very upset about Dazai talking about how when he goes, he wants to go out just as beautifully? That shit hurted. But it was a brief slip of the mask. After that, he remains silent. Not a word. He just stares at the fireworks, dull lifeless eyes looking up at the sky. And, when Dazai shows these sides to Odasaku, Odasaku is clearly upset by them, showing how deeply he cares for Dazai. The Dark Era LN is literally the best thing ever for going into the itty bitty of their relationship, I actually love it so much, and I will be referencing it a thousand times in this.

First episode, 15 minutes in and we already see that Dazai cares a lot for Oda. Just after Oda gets sniped in Ango's room and he phones Dazai, Dazai at first jokes about how he never usually calls him. When he realises that Oda is in a serious situation, his demeanour changes. And when Oda says that he has the Silver Oracle on hand if need be, "There's no need. Don't push yourself too hard. Wait for me to get there." Just that one sentence and we see how much he cares for him. He's being protective, making sure that Oda doesn't get himself hurt. Then, of course, comes the actual alley scene where we see a much darker side to Dazai and the anime as a whole, however it's where we also see how Dazai's mindset and habits affect Odasaku negatively, and how upset he gets when Dazai pulls this shit. There are some vital differences in the anime and with the LN which really fucking get me. The LN goes more in depth of course, but we hear the emotion in the anime. But, the book is written so well that we know the emotions anyway.

“I can see you’re not happy… I’m sorry for compromising your principles.”

His smile weakened as he spoke. Dazai usually never apologized to anyone, which was why what he said really rang true.

This always fucking gets me. He genuinely cares about what Odasaku thinks and how he feels. Dazai, who generally does not care for the emotions of others and such, apolgises when he sees that Oda is upset by something that he's done and is affected by Oda being upset, which is something that, when it comes to Dazai, is shocking, as we hardly ever see that side of him. The majority of the times that we do (honestly, if we ever do) is with Odasaku. A genuine deep-rooted affection and fondness for someone else. Yes, he deeply cares about those in the ADA, but not to the extent that he cared about Oda. He is concerned for those in the Agency's wellbeing, of course. But he's never been cared for by anyone but Odasaku before. The Agency all have deep trust between them, but Dazai will never ever show his true self to any of them. He is a guarded person, never letting anybody see his true intentions or if he's truly hurting. Odasaku has been the only one to ever see that. One of Odasaku's regrets whilst he was dying was that he never tried to get Dazai to speak up about his issues; in the LN it has such a good way of explaining how he feels about it and it tears my heart apart.

“Your organization’s called Mimic, right?” Dazai asked the man, but he didn’t reply. He didn’t even blink. “I’m not expecting an answer. To tell the truth, I admire you guys. No other organization has tried to take the Mafia head-on like this before. And nobody has ever successfully managed to point their gun at me like this with the intent to kill, either.”

Dazai faced the attacker, then began to walk toward him as if he were taking a stroll through his garden.

“Dazai, stop,” I begged in a hushed tone.

“I hope you can see the excitement in my eyes, too.” Dazai continued to address the enemy who was holding him at gunpoint. “If you just squeeze your finger ever so slightly, you can give me precisely what I crave most. The only thing I’m afraid of is that you’ll miss.”

His lips curled as he approached the man. The muzzle was now fewer than ten feet away.

“You need to aim for the heart or the head. I recommend the head. You only get one chance, though. My colleagues here won’t be kind enough to give you another.” Dazai tapped the middle of his forehead right over his eyebrows a few times. “But I know you can do it. You’re a sniper, aren’t you? I can still see the imprint from the sniper rifle on your cheek. You’re not the spotter.”

“Now shoot. Right here. You can’t miss from this close up.” Dazai grinned from ear to ear. “You’ll be killed whether or not you shoot, so just bury the enemy executive before you go.”

“Dazai!” I screamed. I felt as though we were thousands of miles apart.

“Please take me with you. Awaken me from this oxidizing world of a dream. Come, now. Shoot.”

Still pointing at his forehead, Dazai closed in on the enemy with a smile that could’ve even been described as peaceful.

The attacker bit his lip and tightened his finger around the trigger.

—He’s at his breaking point!

The sniper and I fired almost simultaneously.

Two flashes of light flooded the alley.

Shot in the arm, the man spun around.

Dazai violently bent backward after being shot point-blank.

A split second like a blue flash of lightning.

A never-ending instant.

Then time began to move again.

Immediately, Dazai’s men showered the enemy with bullets as he spun from the impact of my shot. Like a rag being pummeled by a waterfall, the man was thrown backward, scattering flesh and blood until he perished.

Leaning away, Dazai took two, three steps back before stopping.

“…………How unfortunate,” he lamented, still bent over. “Looks like I didn’t manage to die this time, either.”

Dazai lifted his head up. The skin on the side of his head, slightly above his right ear, was slit open and bleeding.

The bullet had just missed.

I looked at Dazai. There was something there invisible to the human eye. You could’ve called it demons of the mind—something that could never be seen—just something compelled to destroy all.

“Sorry to shock you like that.” Noticing my gaze, Dazai scratched the side of his head and grinned. “Pretty realistic acting, right? I knew from the start that he would miss. The imprint from the sniper rifle was on his left cheek, meaning that was the side he used to shoot. In other words, he’s left-handed, but he was holding the pistol in his right hand. So he was going to shoot with his nondominant hand, he could barely even stand on those wobbly legs, and to make matters worse, he was using that old-fashioned gun. The only way he would have hit me was if he pressed the muzzle against my body.”

I didn’t say anything. I just stared at Dazai as he explained with a smile.

“All I had to do was talk to him to buy some time until his arm got tired. If I slowly walked toward him, he wouldn’t be able to shoot straight away. The rest was in your hands, Odasaku. I knew you would do something. Pretty logical, right?”

“Yeah.”

That was all I said. I didn’t have anything else to add. Had our ranks or relations been any different, I probably would’ve punched him right then. However, I am me, and there was nothing I could do to him.

After returning my gun to its holster, I turned my back to Dazai and began walking away. With every step I took, I felt as if the ground were going to collapse, creating a bottomless hole that I would fall through for an eternity.

Dazai’s expression as he placed a finger on his forehead and approached the enemy—that of a child about to burst into tears—remained burned into my eyes.

Sorry for the long extract. Just thought the whole scene was the most effective way of showing it.

Anyways, this is one of the scenes that fucks me up the most.

Because through Odasaku's eyes, all that he sees here is a lost child, pleading and crying out for help. Despite Dazai being 18, to Oda he's still young (which, he is. 18 is fucking young.) to him. When he sees Dazai like this, he grows protective. He is rattled and very clearly shaken. The difference between the LN and the anime here is that Odasaku in the anime tells him to be quiet, because he's "heard enough". He knows that Dazai is just chatting a bit of wham.

"Dazai, stop," I begged in a hushed tone.

He's upset. Odasaku is a fucking expert at hiding his emotions, as we see when Mori tells him that Ango is missing. He expresses absolutely nothing, the twitch of his finger being the only giveaway. Here, we see how emotionally distressed he is by Dazai's actions, showing how much he truly cares for Dazai.

“Now shoot. Right here. You can’t miss from this close up.” Dazai grinned from ear to ear. “You’ll be killed whether or not you shoot, so just bury the enemy executive before you go.”

“Dazai!” I screamed. I felt as though we were thousands of miles apart.

This, once again, shows just how distressed he is. This scene fucking breaks me. He feels so far away from Dazai, because nobody can fucking reach him. Dazai's so far gone into this darkness that he's shrouded himself and found himself in that nobody can ever reach him. They can't pull him back from that ledge.

Dazai violently bent backward after being shot point-blank.

A split second like a blue flash of lightning.

A never-ending instant.

Then time began to move again.

He is fucking distressed here. Odasaku isn't doing okay, because he's scared that Dazai is dead. However, despite him knwoing he's not thanks to Flawless, he's still fucking terrified and shaken.

I looked at Dazai. There was something there invisible to the human eye. You could’ve called it demons of the mind—something that could never be seen—just something compelled to destroy all.

Oda sees more than what everyone else sees; everyone else sees a sociopathic suicidal maniac who's strange and quirky and has a weird fucking goofy side to him. However, Oda sees more to Dazai than this. Another thing to mention is that whilst everyone looks at Dazai and thinks "Wow, he seems so young for the amount of achievements in the mafia that he has. Scary kid." Odasaku sees Dazai as a child who is in need of help, a crying child who seeks someone to love and care for him. A lonely child.

Dazai’s expression as he placed a finger on his forehead and approached the enemy—that of a child about to burst into tears—remained burned into my eyes.

This. This scene is everything to me. I will never not talk about this scene when talking about Dazai and Oda. It genuinely gets me in tears, I can't deal. When I first read this I had to stop for a second, because holy shit it just got me. Oda is the only one who has ever seen Dazai like this; everyone else sees him as someone to be used, or someone to be hated, or someone to be feared. But Oda sees him as someone to be loved. When Oda says 'Dazai’s expression as he placed a finger on his forehead and approached the enemy—that of a child about to burst into tears—remained burned into my eyes.', I don't know which explanation of mine I think is the most suitable. Because, he either says this because he sees that expression, and to him it seems like Dazai is so fucking happy and ecstatic to finally having what he craves the most, and that alone unsettles Oda. Or, Oda sees that expression and is so unsettled, because to him Dazai is just a child. A crying child that is shouting for help. I genuinely think it's both, but hey, who am I to be able to discern? I'm fucking dumb lol.

Here, we see Oda's reaction after the initial shock. Here, I think it's pretty father/brother like of him when he says 'I probably would've punched him right then.' It's a protective and familial instinct; Odasaku is distressed, and wants Dazai to know that what he did was not okay. Oda is not happy with him, and Dazai kind of knows this, but doesn't know how to respond to it. As aforementioned, nobody has cared for Dazai like Odasaku does.

Now, time for a little insight on how Oda sees Dazai, and more explanation for how Oda wants to shelter him and protect him like a fucking son. One of the most heartbreaking fucking parts of the entire series; Dazai opening up for the first time ever. At least, I'm sure it is (that we see, I mean). After Dazai and Odasaku go to Bar Lupin and find Ango there, and Dazai then explains why he's not upset (bullshit he's devastated) and reveals a deep part of him, something which none of them have done with each other before, really. However, different translations, so I'll just put all three.

"It's alright, I'm not sad. I knew this would happen from the beginning. It wouldn't have mattered what side you were on. Because anything I never want to lose, is always lost. This is how it's always been for me. Everything worth wanting is lost the moment I obtain it. And nothing I pursue is worth the cost of prolonging this life of suffering." - Anime dub. "I'm not sad. I knew this from the beginning. Whether you were with the gifted special operations division or not, anything I would never want to lose is always lost. It is a given that everything that is worth wanting will be lost the moment I obtain it. There's nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering." - Anime sub. “I’m not sad. I knew from the very beginning,” Dazai said. His face was a blank mask now. “It didn’t matter whether you were with the Special Division for Unusual Powers. I always lose the things I don’t want to lose the most. That’s why I don’t feel anything anymore. The moment you get your hands on something worth going after, you lose it. That’s just how things are. There is nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering.” - Dark Era LN

This is actually one of the most gut wrenching scenes ever, I can't deal. Because honestly, I relate to this on a fucking spiritual level.

One of the parts that really sticks out to me is the "That's why I don't feel anything anymore." because that is how he manages these things. How he keeps his emotions in check. He just doesn't feel, he's desensitised to these things, and he tries to make sure that he doesn't care for anything, whether that be himself, subordinates, partners, friends, figures in his life, etc. He numbs himself to it all because he expects only hurt to come out of it. However, he let his guard down. He thought he could have a nice thing, and it was snatched away from him the moment he came to peace with the fact that he was comfortable with them, Oda and Ango. Then, the one thing he doesn't want to happen at all, the one fucking thing he has left to hold onto in this world is fucking ripped from him; Oda. Having already expected bad outcomes to anything that he truly desires, he still couldn't of expected it to happen and obviously wasn't prepared for Oda to just go and die like that. And he doesn't know what to do anymore. Because Oda was the last thing, his last tether to this world. He was the one thing worth living for, really, and now he's gone. Yet, Oda's final wish gives him something to keep pursuing in life. He sees no value in the act of living, and he himself sees no value within him. So, the one thing that keeps him going is Oda's final words to him. Oda's death hit him hard (obvs) because he was the last stable thing in his life when everything else fell apart. And now, he has nothing else to lean on. Oda was there for him, Oda cared for him and wasn't just using him. Dazai realises this, and that's what makes it so devastating, because Oda was the only person who Dazai could actually trust and love without getting hurt in some way or other. And we all know how important trust is to Dazai (the people that Dazai trusts are minimal. It's fucking Chuuya and Oda. Yes, he trusts the ADA. Not to the extent of these two. He places his everything in them, just in opposite ways.).

I stared at Dazai. We had known each other for a while, but this was the first time he’d ever opened up about himself. I could see a thorn the size of a harpoon wedged deeply into his life.

This got me fucked up fr fr. Oda's response to Dazai's spiel about losing the things he yearns the most. For the two years that they've known each other, Dazai has not once opened up to them. Not a single time. Yet, they all have such a deep friendship and bond that that doesn't even matter; they're as close as they are regardless. 'I could see a thorn the size of a harpoon wedged deeply into his life.' Again, this impacts Oda, because he sees how much Dazai is hurting and, once again, craves to soothe him, because he sees a child in distress.

“Dazai.”

He paused when I called his name. I didn’t have anything else to say, though; I simply said his name.

Nobody knew what Dazai was really thinking.

It’s an unwritten rule in the Mafia to not stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. One must never open the door to another’s heart and try to judge them for the darkness tucked within. That was one nice thing about the Mafia.

But maybe, just maybe, that was the wrong approach—or at the very least, when it came to the man sitting next to me. Somebody probably should’ve tied him up, pried his chest open, and stuffed a vacuum cleaner inside. Then, as he screamed and cried until they needed to punch him to shut him up, they’d suck every last bit out of his chest and stamp it into the ground.

But in reality, such a vacuum didn’t exist. Chests don’t open up like that, and no one is capable of such feats. What we see is everything, and everything we see, we ignore. All we can do is stand before the deep ditch between us and others and keep silent.

“Well, I should get going,” Dazai said before standing.

“Dazai.” He turned around when I called out to him. Rubbing my hands together, I looked down at the empty plate and coffee cup, then back up. “Are you thinking that way because—?”

Out of nowhere, Dazai’s cell phone began to ring. He lightly bowed to me before placing the phone against his ear and answering. A few moments went by as he listened to whoever was on the other side, but soon enough, his lips suddenly twisted into a grin.

Bro, bro. This gets me fucked up.

Nobody knew what Dazai was really thinking.

'...for the darkness tucked within.' With it being the mafia, Odasaku clearly knows that everyone's going through some fucked up shit. And he knows not to stick his nose in other people's business, because he wouldn't want people doing that to him. Except, something is compelling him to get Dazai to open up, to show Odasaku the darkness and seek the help he needs. Once again, crying child analogy.

'Then, as he screamed and cried until they needed to punch him to shut him up, they'd suck every last bit out of his chest and stamp it into the ground.' Christ, Odasaku. Pretty fucking deep analogy there. But this here just shows us how deeply affected and wounded Oda is by how hurt Dazai is. It also gives us more child-like statements from Oda. The way he describes it here just reminds me of a child. A child, kicking and screaming because whatever is happening to them they do not like. And this is exactly what's happening; he's saying that he knows that Dazai would not appreciate people looking further into his life and soul, and that he would very clearly make a fuss and a protest about it. It also likens it to 'The Time I Picked Up Dazai' (it's such a good read. If you haven't read it, I highly suggest that you do. Also, spoilers ahead for it <3) ~~~ The way it reflects the book is in it, there is a scene in which Oda has to physically restrain Dazai from trying to stab himself with a knife whilst he's grinning like a madman.

~~~

However, my expectation is betrayed once again. I have forgotten about the foreign matter that exists in this house. Dazai, of course. He is more unpredictable than any human I have ever met. For example, if two people are on a three-legged race to the goal, Dazai might just turn around and start running in the opposite direction at a random moment. Or, he can desperately climb a cliff to survive, then all of a sudden, say that he wants to fall off it and die. He is a guy that has strayed too far from the reasons of this world. Our dear Trickster.

Dazai suddenly comes up with the idea that if he jumps out of the door with a gun in his hand, there are chances he can be shot dead by the cops. Oda tells him there is no gun in the house, so he decides to get a knife instead. He rushes into the kitchen, even faster than Oda. The cops outside notice the sound and ask them to open the door.

Oda knows that he has to stop Dazai, if he doesn’t want things to get worse.

I have to stop that. I so want to cry and ask someone to help, but there is no one who can do it but me now.

He jumps up and sweeps Dazai’s legs, making him roll on the floor. He grabs Dazai’s neck, turns behind and gets into a chokehold, trying to choke him unconscious. Dazai, as a result, struggles happily while kicking his legs around. He hits the kitchen cabinet once, twice until Oda hears a sound of something coming off. Oda realizes that those desperate kicks are actually on purpose, and it makes the knife Dazai was trying to grab earlier fall off right to where Oda is. Oda can’t move because he is busy holding Dazai down, so he has to use his ability to predict the track of the knife and barely dodges it. The knife stabs vertically into the floor next to him. He tries to calm Dazai down.

“Be still.” I say, “Don’t struggle. It is not scary. It doesn’t hurt.”

I don’t even know what I’m saying myself.

“You liar! Mori-san said the same thing when he gave me shots.”

Dazai says so and keeps going wild. It means there are other people besides me who are having a hard time with Dazai. Who is this Mori-san again?

Dazai keeps kicking the kitchen stand and this time, it’s the kettle above Oda’s head that’s going to fall.

It is a situation that I have never experienced before. A kettle above my head, a knife next to my face, false money somewhere in my room, cops at my door. And I’m strangling a guy I just barely met.

Oda finally manages to choke Dazai unconscious. He goes “fufu ahaha” before he faints. Oda pulls out the knife next to him and throws it toward the falling kettle, successfully catching it by its handle and having it jammed into the wooden part of the kitchen cabinet. By that time, the cops also manage to kick the door open and step into the room.

~~~

(translation and descriptions by @popopretty ! <333)

This entire scene is so fucking goofy to me and genuinely one of my favourites, but it's also really scary because Dazai just really wants to fucking die. However, after only a few days of knowing him, Oda is growing to care for him and doesn't want him to die. Twice in this extract thing does he try and stop him, and then once more before this when Dazai tries crawling out of the house to go and die outside, to which Odasaku grabs him by his legs, wraps him in a blanket, drags him back to the bed and ties him up. Referring back to Odasaku's analogy to "get the darkness out" of Dazai, this scene is pretty similar to what he said. Dazai is fucking booting the kitchen cabinet to try and stab himself with the knife or get crushed by the kettle, and Oda is doing his damndest to stop him, resorting to strangling him unconscious so that he doesn't keep going fucking insane. Dazai, of course, finds this all highly amusing. To be honest, I might have only just realised that I'm reading it wrong. He was trying to kill himself with the knife first, but then because Oda gets him in a chokehold, he tries to get him off him instead? Man, I don't know. Either way, goofiest scene ever. I love it. But, he's 16 here (I think. I tried working it out, and I think he is. Because in Side B, when he's torturing that guy, he says that he's a PM Executive. And Oda talks about how young he looks, and in the anime/LN talks about the fact that he's known him a fairly long time. I wouldn't say that one year is a long time, but two years yeah. So Dazai's either 17 or 16 when he first meets Oda, and I won't lie, I think 16. ANYWAYS-) and so of course, Oda sees him as a child (which he is). However, despite him watching Dazai age for those two years, he still sees him as a child that he needs to protect, a child that he worries for.

He tries to calm Dazai down.

“Be still.” I say, “Don’t struggle. It is not scary. It doesn’t hurt.”

I don’t even know what I’m saying myself.

“You liar! Mori-san said the same thing when he gave me shots.”

Dazai says so and keeps going wild. It means there are other people besides me who are having a hard time with Dazai. Who is this Mori-san again?

This entire interaction to me seems like a child at the dentist or something. Despite the fact that he's got a kid in a chokehold tryna knock him out, he's reassuring him that it's fine, painless, and that he needs to calm down. Crying. This fucking guy. This whole bit is literally just Oda trying to subdue a kid going off the rails, and even the references to Mori (I will be fucking getting into what Dazai said when I do another analysis thing, don't you fucking worry) and Oda thinking 'It means there are other people besides me who are having a hard time with Dazai.' Problem child fr. Makes me giggle, also makes me sad. Anyways. Odasaku and Dazai's interactions are usually Odasaku letting Dazai be quite child-like, allowing for these things, because he knows that he hasn't been able to have a childhod or be a child. He lets Dazai be who he wants to be in front of him, no judgement. Dazai has many faces for other people, but with Oda, he can just let his guard down that small bit, be more comfortable with him. And Ango. They were like his makeshift parents in the time that he knew them. And then he loses that found family, and so where's that left him now?

“I have this friend who’s supporting several orphans all on his own, you see,” he continued, his weapon still drawn and aimed at the boy. “Akutagawa, I’m sure Odasaku would’ve been patient enough to give you the guidance you needed had he been the one who’d found you on the brink of starvation in the slums. That would have been the ‘right’ thing to do. But ‘righteousness’ doesn’t take very kindly to me. And there’s only one thing people like me do to useless subordinates.”

Okay, this is going to deep Dazai a bit more rather than both Dazai and Oda's relationship. The part about righteousness reminds me of when Chuuya scolded him for shooting the dead body more times than was morally necessary. And he says 'Yeah. That would be the right/normal/ordinary way to think. Of course. Haha.' Dazai has no sense of right or wrong, as Odasaku says. He says to him that he knows he doesn't care about good or bad, and he can never fill that emptiness that he so desperately longs to fill. Dazai isn't like how he is here around Odasaku, because he trusts Odasaku and doesn't need to be intimidating or cold around him. He's allowed to be playful and innocent, and truly try and connect to that child he'd long ago lost and forgotten. And with Ango and Oda both looking out for him, with them two he truly felt like he belonged somewhere, and had people to care for him, despite him not knowing how to handle that or how to cope with it. He doesn't understand why, but he can let himself indulge in it for just a bit. He needs Ango and Oda there for him, and when he loses that, he loses himself. Slowly, he's becoming more and more empty and at a loss with himself for what to do, which is something we don't see from Dazai. Dazai knows everything that is going to happen. He knows everything, and doesn't need to question what he does or what to do next, as he always has his next step planned. However, when Oda dies, we see that facade come crumbling down as for one of the first times, he can't keep his emotions in check and he doesn't know what to do or where to go from here, as the last things he was holding onto in this world have left him, and he's left with nothing but himself and a cavenous hole in his heart where Ango and Oda once sat. That's been ripped from him, and so with his emotions laid bare in front of him as he's forced to confront a distressing situation, he looks to Oda for help. He doesn't know what to do with himself once Oda leaves him, and so he desperately asks Oda to help him. Fuck me, I'm tearing up sorry lmao.

I was in a hospital room. It was clean, ordinary, and as silent as a morgue. Standing firm with his feet apart by the door was a man in a black suit and sunglasses. The moment our eyes met, he silently left, apparently to go get someone.

“Hey, Odasaku. You’re awake now, right? How are you feeling?”

Dazai walked into the room with a cheerful smirk.

Sorry, this is just here because I'd like to point out that Dazai was waiting for him that whole time since he found him, and he had someone guard the door to make sure that nobody would come back for him, I'm guessing. And also he must have told the guy "Ay tell me when he wakes up." And that just really warms my heart and devastates me at the same time <3

Dazai placed a thumb against his lips, then shifted into a thinking position. He didn’t even move an inch for a full minute after that. Only his eyes wavered, following something only he could see. I waited in silence.

Oda's patience with Dazai. Wholesome shit. He fr sat there for a while minute in silence to let Dazai think.

I got out of the bed as I listened. My fingers were still slightly numb, but not enough to bother me during battle.

“Odasaku, don’t tell me you plan on going,” he said as if reprimanding me.

This is one of the moments where we see a more brotherly relationship from the two of them. Dazai is scolding Oda because he's injured and has just been through quite the ordeal, yet he's still standing up and leaaving to go fight and help Dazai's men.

I didn’t answer him; I just opened the door and left. Dazai saw me off without pushing any further. Despite not even exchanging a word, we were thinking the same thing.

Vice versa; Dazai's patience with Oda, and the fact that he doesn't push Odasaku for anything more than he's given him. If Odasaku doesn't want to say anything, Dazai won't pressure him into talking. He won't force him to say anything he doesn't want to. They respect each other, and they understand one another. 'Despite not even exchanging a word, we were thinking the same thing.' They understand each other to such a degree that countless times throughout this arc, they wordlessly communicate with one another, basically read the other's mind or just know what they're thinking, about to say, their plans, etc. It's a very important dynamic that shows their level of trust and their bond.

Now, this is going to be the bit that fucks me up the most, and I will cry whilst writing these bits. Because now we're getting into Oda's death and Dazai's reaction to realising Mori's plans, etc.

“Odasaku!”

I was stopped by a familiar voice the moment I left the restaurant.

“Dazai? What’s wrong?”

Clearly, for Odasaku to ask what was wrong, Dazai must have sounded pretty fucking emotional. Also, Oda, babes, the fuck you mean "what's wrong" as if he's not gonna know?

“Odasaku, I know what you’re thinking, but don’t. Doing that isn’t going to—”

“Isn’t going to bring the kids back?” I asked.

Lost for words, Dazai fell silent.

Dazai being "lost for words" and "silent" is quite the shock. Dazai always knows what words to say, how to say them, when to say them, etc. He always has some retort or sarcastic reply, and always has to get the last word in. Dazai being at a loss for words shows just how unprecedented this is for him, and how he doesn't know how to cope with it. Once again, he is a lost child, seeking guidance.

“Odasaku…,” Dazai said softly. “Forgive me for the absurd wording, but—don’t go. Find something to rely on. Expect good things to happen from here on out. There’s gotta be something… Hey, Odasaku, do you know why I joined the Mafia?”

I stared at him. We had known each other for a long time, but he’d never even attempted to talk about that.

“I joined the Mafia because of an expectation I had. I thought if I was close to death and violence—close to people giving in to their urges and desires, then I would be able to see the inner nature of humankind up close. I thought if I did that…” Dazai paused before continuing, “…I would be able to find something—a reason to live.”

I looked at him; he looked back at me.

“I wanted to be a novelist,” I said. “I thought I wouldn’t deserve such a life if I killed someone during a mission. That’s why I never killed anyone. But that’s all in the past. There’s only one thing I want now.”

“Odasaku!”

I began to walk away. Dazai yelled out, but I didn’t turn around.

First of all;

The fact that he asks for forgiveness for his "absurd wording" of don't go. It shows just how much he lacks in understanding others and himself. He thinks that these are the "wrong things" to say, because he's not used to expressing his emotions properly, and he can't articulate how he feels, because he usually feels nothing. He's usually numb and does not give a shit, but here he's completely puzzled and lost because he's feeling too much.

I stared at him. We had known each other for a long time, but he’d never even attempted to talk about that.

Not once. He'd never even brought it up in conversation, or even "attempted" it. He hides himself from the world and those around him in order to guard himself so that he doesn't get hurt or lose the things he cares about, which is why he detaches himself and numbs down everything so that he doesn't care about anyone or anything.

“Odasaku!”

I began to walk away. Dazai yelled out, but I didn’t turn around.

This will fucking kill him. One of my favourite (technically two) scenes in the anime is the parallel's between Dazai reaching out for Oda when he walks away from him, and Oda reaching out for Dazai when he walks away from him, both times one of them is heading towards death and the other is trying to stop them. But they're not close enough, and they're not fast enough. Genuinely, the scenes kill me, because the parallel's are stunning, I won't lie. It's fucking heartbreakingly beautiful.

Dazai strode confidently through the Mafia’s high-rise headquarters downtown at a quick clip, his heels practically scraping off the carpet underfoot. He got on the glass-paneled elevator alone, pressed the button to the top floor, then closed his eyes. When the elevator reached his destination, he opened his eyes again. His gaze was focused on only one thing—the office at the very end of the hallway.

Now, I have a few mini theories about why he closed his eyes, but what I want to focus on is not that. It's his determination and desperation to save Odasaku.

“Boss.” Dazai cut him off. “You know why I’m here, don’t you?”

The fucking Boss of the Port Mafia. Yet, Dazai has no time for games. He has no time for Mori's bullshit antics, he needs to save Odasaku. That is his number one priority right now.

Taken by surprise, Dazai fell silent. Even he felt as if he were walking on fine blades whenever he talked with Ougai. If he made just one little mistake, he could fall off the path. After pondering to himself for a moment, Dazai said, “I need permission to form a small team of executive-level skill users to attack Mimic headquarters and rescue Odasaku.”

He cannot afford to mess this up, because Oda needs him. Once again, Dazai is taken by surprise and sent into silence, which is extremely odd and rare for him to do so. He is clearly nervous about talking to Mori already, on top of the added pressure of Odasaku's life in his hands right now.

Dazai stared back at the boss without breaking eye contact for even a moment. Ougai’s narrowed eyes harbored a tinge of cleverness, as if they could see into his heart. It was the same kind of light that was once in Dazai’s eyes when he looked upon his enemies or allies.

Enemy or ally regardless, Dazai saw everyone the same. He had no time to be concerned with other people, especially as he isn't even concerned for himself. So, again like I said, he numbs himself to these things. He makes it so that he doesn't feel, and so that should an unfortunate situation come to pass, he's not affected by it by harbouring fondness for other people. Which is why it says "was the same kind", not "is the same kind", because Odasaku has changed him. Oda is neither friend nor foe; he's family. He's the most important thing in Dazai's life. He's a sole figure, there for him. A true father figure, someone to raise him properly, unlike Mori. Dazai realises this; as we see here, Dazai is no longer interested in anything anymore. He has grown tired even of the Port Mafia, and he certainly doesn't hold Mori in high regard as he once kind of did.

“Odasaku is currently scouting the enemy headquarters alone,” Dazai said, keeping his emotions in check. “I sent an emergency response team of Mafia members to the area, but it isn’t nearly enough. At this rate, we are going to lose a valuable skill user.”

"Keeping his emotions in check." He's not lowering his guard down in front of Mori. He won't show him his true face. But right now, he's desperate. He wants Odasaku saved, and he will do whatever it takes.

“Of course, he’s a dear ally of ours, but is he worth sending executive-level men to the front line to save?”

“Yes,” Dazai confidently declared. “Of course he is.”

Ougai fell silent. He looked at Dazai, who looked straight back at him. It was an eloquent silence. The two men understood the other’s state of mind and how they would counter.

Dazai is prepared to risk his life for Oda, and Mori sees this, using it to his advantage. He sees just how much Dazai cares about Odasaku and manipulates the whole thing behind the scenes. And the zero hesitation from Dazai when he says it. "The two understood the other's state of mind and how they would counter." Once again, Mori has raised Dazai to be so much like him that they understand each other and a far more complex level than ordinary people. Also, this line just shows that Mori sees how fragile Dazai's state of mind is at the present time, his desperation to save his friend.

“…Dazai.” It was Ougai who put an end to the wordless debate. “Let me ask you this. I understand your plan, but in all likelihood, Oda doesn’t want help. What do you think about that?”

Dazai tried to answer, but he could not find the words to say.

Dazai knows Oda best. He knows that it's true, but nothing is going to stop him from trying. Still, he's trying to articulate his words, which he isn't doing too well at.

Dazai’s eyes were inadvertently locked on the envelope. Suddenly, he caught his breath.

“This envelope—”

Something began to thrash and flicker in the back of Dazai’s mind. It gradually turned into physical shaking, causing his head to go numb.

“I see.” Dazai managed to squeeze out just those two words, his face deathly pale. “So that’s what this is.”

Then he turned on his heel and put his back to Ougai.

“If you’ll excuse me.”

“Where are you going?” Ougai asked.

“To Odasaku.”

Now this is the part that really gets me.

With just one measly glance, Dazai has seen Mori's plan, beginning to end. Which is why he's so eager to leave, because he knows that Mori is planning to let this end with/in Oda's death. And the part that really gets me emotional is 'Something began to thrash and flicker in the back of Dazai’s mind. It gradually turned into physical shaking, causing his head to go numb.' We've never seen such a visceral reaction from Dazai before (with the exception of Oda's death.), with him physically shaking and his mind racing. Man's is fucking trembling, because he knows everything in that moment. And he can't bear it. Dazai, who usually has a tight hold of his emotions, cannot keep his grip on them no more, when it comes to Odasaku. Oda is so important to him, and Dazai realises that soon there is a high chance of him losing that.

Dazai calmly stared at the guns pointed in his direction.

“You still haven’t had any tea, Dazai,” Ougai said. “Come—have a seat.”

Dazai didn’t even budge. A guard in a black suit slipped to his side, then pointed the automatic rifle’s muzzle right at his head.

“Odasaku’s waiting for me.”

“Sit.”

All that is going through his head right now is Odasaku. He can't think of anything else, he doesn't have time for that. He can't afford to think about anything but the plan of action to save him.

“Dazai.” Ougai, who had been listening in silence, cut Dazai off for the first time. “What remarkable inference. There is nothing that needs correcting. I have just one thing I’d like to ask: What’s wrong with that?”

“……”

This is one of our first hints towards Dazai showing a hint of compassion for other people, because he now knows what it's like when you have someone that you love.

"So why are you so angry?”

Dazai didn’t say a word. That was just about the first time he’d ever been unable to articulate his feelings.

“I…”

—“There is nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering.”

—“Awaken me from this oxidizing world of a dream.”

“I just…” His voice came out strained. “I just don’t get it. You were the one who tipped Mimic off about the orphans’ safe house. No one else could’ve found out about the location I chose. You killed those kids to get Odasaku to fight Mimic’s leader because he is the only one who can defeat him.”

“My answer is the same, Dazai. I will do anything for the benefit of the organization. Besides, we are the Port Mafia. We have always brought darkness, violence, and cruelty to this city. Why is that a problem now?”

This scene is also another scene that really gets me fucking devastated. We have never seen Dazai like this. Strained voice, unable to speak, and seeming timid and meek. Here is the child that Oda sees when he looks at Dazai; lost, wandering and alone. He can't say what he feels, he doesn't know how to. He knows nothing but to numb himself from these things to not get hurt. "I just don't get it." Dazai doesn't understand, which is scary for him. He's not used to it, and he doesn't like it. He wants to save Odasaku, and the one time he needs to be clever and think about it, he's unable to, because he doesn't know what's going on.

Dazai knew. He knew Ougai’s calculations, his mentality, and the rationale behind the plan. That was just the kind of organization the Port Mafia was. Logically speaking, Ougai was right, and Dazai was wrong.

“But…”

He turned on his heel, then began walking toward the door. Immediately, Ougai’s guards pointed their guns at him.

“You cannot go, Dazai,” Ougai called out to stop him. “Stay. Or do you have a logical reason for going to him?”

He wants to get to Odasaku. He doesn't care if he betrays Mori's orders; Odasaku comes first. He knows the logic behind it, yet he doesn't care. Morally, Dazai is right, and that's probably a first.

Ougai grinned. “True. However, you wouldn’t gain anything by disobeying me and going to him, either. Am I wrong?”

“That’s the second thing I wanted to say, Boss. There’s nothing in it for me. There’s only one reason why I’m going. Because he is my friend. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

The guards placed their fingers on the triggers. However, Dazai paid them no mind and simply strolled to the door as if he were going for a walk.

Again, he is not assed. This is the first time Dazai has openly admitted to having a friend, or any kind of relation. Which is what makes it hurt more; because the second he acknowledges it, he loses it. 'There's nothing in it for me.' He's not doing this out of personal gain, like Mori does, he's doing it because he doesn't want to lose somebody important to him.

“Odasaku!”

Dazai rushed into the building and over to the ballroom, passing the myriad of corpses through the corridors along the way. When he burst through the oak doors, he saw his friend lying on the ground.

“Odasaku!”

Despite the chance of there being soldiers lurking, waiting to kill him, or the chance that Gide was still alive and would kill him, he continues to search for Odasaku. And when he finds him, fuck, it's not very pleasant. God, I'm going to cry.

“Dazai…”

Dazai rushed over to Odasaku, then checked his wounds. The bullet had pierced Odasaku’s chest, and a vast pool of blood had collected on the floor. It was clear that the wound was fatal.

“You’re such an idiot, Odasaku. The biggest idiot I know.”

“Yeah.”

“You didn’t have to do this. You didn’t have to die.”

“I know.”

Odasaku smirked with that particular satisfaction of accomplishing something worth the cost.

“Dazai… There’s something I want to say.”

This shit hurted.

“Don’t. Stop. We might still be able to save you. No, we will save you. So don’t say such—”

“Listen.” Odasaku wrapped his blood-soaked hand around Dazai’s. “You told me if you put yourself in a world of violence and bloodshed, you might be able to find a reason to live…”

“Yeah, I said that. I did. But what difference does that—?”

“You won’t find it,” Odasaku said in almost a whisper. Dazai stared at him.

Dazai is trying to convince himself that everything will be fine, that they will save Odasaku. He's determined; he won't let him die on him like this. And Dazai doesn't care about anything else but him right now.

“You should know that. Whether you’re on the side that takes lives or the side that saves them, nothing beyond your own expectations will happen. Nothing in this world can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander the darkness for eternity.”

—“Awaken me from this oxidizing world of a dream.”

That was when Dazai first realized: Sakunosuke Oda understood him much more than he’d ever imagined—right up to his very heart, almost to the center of his mind. Dazai didn’t realize until then that someone had known him so well.

For the first time in his life, Dazai wanted from the bottom of his heart to know something. He asked the man before him:

“Odasaku… What should I do?”

OKAY NOW THIS.

This is one of the most important parts; because Dazai finally found someone who understood him. Nobody has gotten further in understanding him than Odasaku has, and the fact that he realises this just before he dies is what makes his death hit even harder. And the fact that, at this last moment, Dazai seeks guidance from the man in his arms. Because once he's gone, he has nobody left. Nothing. And just at this last moment, Dazai "wanted from from the bottom of his heart to know something". We see Dazai continuously dehumanise himself, not seeing himself as an actual person half the time. He believes that he is heartless, cold, and cruel. Yet, here, we see that Oda has had a strong impact on him; he's made him realise that maybe he does have something there. Also, where it says "almost to the center of his mind". Dazai's mind is just impenetreable, yet Oda has gotten the farthest. That alone is a feat in itself, and Dazai realises just how close they are, and how much Oda really, truly understands him on a personal level.

“Be on the side that saves people,” Odasaku replied. “If both sides are the same, then choose to become a good person. Save the weak, protect the orphaned. You might not see a great difference between right and wrong, but…saving others is something just a bit more wonderful.”

“How do you know?”

“I know. I know better than anyone else.”

Dazai gazed into Odasaku’s eyes and saw a glow of conviction.

It was clear that those words were supported by some sort of strong basis. Whether it was past experience or someone’s advice—Odasaku was trying to show Dazai the path he himself had once tried to walk. Dazai knew that.

That was why he could bring himself to believe it.

“…Okay. I will.”

“‘People live to save themselves. It’s something they realize right before they die,’ huh…? He was…right…” The color in Odasaku’s face gradually disappeared until he was almost completely pale. He smiled. “I could really go for some of that curry…”

With trembling fingers, Odasaku reached for the cigarettes in his pocket before sluggishly placing one in his mouth. By the time he pulled out a match, his fingers were too weak to hold it anymore. Dazai took the match and lit the cigarette for him. Then Odasaku closed his eyes, smoking the cigarette as he smiled, filled to the brim with satisfaction.

The cigarette fell to the ground.

Dropping onto his knees by Odasaku’s side, Dazai looked up to the ceiling and closed his eyes. His tightly shut lips faintly trembled. The smoke from the cigarette rose straight up to the top.

Nobody said a word.

Now, here;

"...but…saving others is something just a bit more wonderful.”

“How do you know?”

“I know. I know better than anyone else.”

Dazai gazed into Odasaku’s eyes and saw a glow of conviction.

I personally think that this is Oda saying that he tried to save Dazai. And that how far Dazai has come is something that he should be proud of, and something that is "beautiful" about Dazai, something which he really wouldn't ever fucking use to describe himself. And the fact that he trusts Oda's words, he believes them truly, because he loves him and he knows. He fucking knows that those words hold weight, and that Dazai is going to uphold his promise to him. He's going to do whatever it takes to keep Oda alive in whatever way possible after death, and honour his memory, and give him a life that he wanted to have but never got to.

In the middle of a verdant mountain trail atop a hill overlooking Yokohama was a cemetery with a view of the ocean. There were many new graves lined up—among them a small white burial marker without a name.

Dazai stood before the burial marker, dressed in black mourning clothes and holding a bouquet of white flowers.

“……”

He squinted as the strong sea breeze suddenly gusted past. The white flowers fluttered in the wind.

“I’ll leave this photo here.”

He took out a picture and placed it before the burial marker. Frozen in time were the smiles of those three men.

“I really wish you could’ve tried that hard tofu I made…”

Dazai closed his eyes, then stood absolutely still, rooted to the spot.

Now, my guess here is that this is where Dazai went when he abandoned the mission for the PM so suddenly, especially as Akutagawa is off fighting some people.

“I really wish you could’ve tried that hard tofu I made…”

Remembering the little things, the small conversations that they had and treasuring them, despite the tofu being Dazai trying to kill himself again. Some sort of twisted, dark humour maybe. And the fact that he's stood deadly still, unmoving. I honestly think he's afraid. He's afraid that if he moves too much, or shows even a hint of emotion, it will all come fucking storming out in a whirlwind of painful fucking memories, feelings, etc. And he doesn't want that.

Right, I am so fucking sorry about the length of this one. It is currently 3:22 AM and I'm on the verge of tears watching The Dark Era episodes whilst writing this. I started this shit at 20 past 12. I am so fucking sorry.

In conclusion, one of the most important relationships (I think) is that of Odasaku and Dazai, as it gives us much more insight into the both of their characters, and how each of them affect one another and the fact that they're each the only one caring for the other person. Ango, yes, but Oda and Dazai are just kind of on another level of friendship, despite how close they are with Ango.

There are (surprisingly) a lot more things I wanted to say, but I decided against it so that it wouldn't be too long. Well, longer than it already is. If you couldn't tell, I'm quite passionate on this subject.

Anyways, if you've read this far somehow, I hope you have a lovely day/night! <333

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #port mafia #ada #osamu dazai #oda sakunosuke #ango sakaguchi #manga #anime #light novel #the dark era #analysis #their dynamic sends me spiralling #i love them both so much #why is everything so fucking tragic

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matthewsvoyage · 8 months

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alright alright I’ll ask then run us down how Alastair is such amazing cptsd rep

Okay okay okay. So I have a lot to say here and my ADHD has been causing me Problems(TM) today, so I'm sorry if this answer is incoherent and all over the place. But I have SO MANY THOUGHTS on Alastair, and how he's my beloved blorbo, and how he probably is the most authentic portrayal of cPTSD I have ever seen.

The Paradox of Maturity

So let me start by saying that I, and most other people who I know with cPTSD, have a strange experience of simultaneously feeling very old and very young. Alastair is an excellent embodiment of this - he is extremely mature in many ways and highly immature in others.

He knows how to engage with adults well because he always has been forced to do so; he's a caregiver and a protector because he was thrust into those roles when he was young. It's also worth noting that Alastair is highly intelligent. In fact, I would go so far as to say that he is probably the most intelligent mortal character in TSC holistically (yeah, Christopher and Henry are geniuses, but they have limited scopes of knowledge. Alastair knows things about almost everything, including observing and reading people to figure out their needs). In any case, these are all ways that Alastair is mature, and he uses them well. He knows how to engage with adults, how to command respect, how to behave as someone that they should take seriously.

In many other ways, though, Alastair is extremely immature. While he knows how to get on well with adults and show people like Will and Tessa that he is "an extremely well-mannered young man," he struggles to connect with his peers. This is true even when he's not bullying them. His jokes, while funny to me, don't seem to hit the landing with a lot of the other kids; the sense of humor is too mature, and they can't figure out what he means when he's being silly. He's socially awkward, and despite being really empathetic (which I'll get to in a minute), he comes off as emotionally stunted. He's distant. This is why Cordelia worries that he doesn't love her; it's why Thomas thinks he's sniping at him when he makes a comment about Paris being "a vacation from a vacation." He struggles to relate to people his own age. The epitome of the kid who's BFF with the teacher.

Another immaturity-disguised-as-maturity that Alastair has is hyper competence. He's grown up a caregiver, and he's done that alone. He wants to connect with people, but does not know how to rely on anyone; this is one reason that he is "afraid" of his relationship with Thomas (as he talks about outside of Matthew's flat). Thomas makes him feel vulnerable because he's someone that Alastair learns to trust and rely on.

Alastair, the Empath

And yet. And YET. Alastair is so filled with empathy, and love, and care, that it hurts to watch sometimes.

When I think of pure gestures of love, I think of those gestures that the person on the receiving end of them will never know of. Two of the best examples I can think of that are, in fact, Alastair.

He sacrifices his entire childhood so Cordelia can have one. In an ideal world, Cordelia would never have known that. It would have been something that Alastair took to the grave, and he actively worked to ensure that she would not find out for a long time.

Then there's Thomas. Alastair trailed Thomas alone while he was patrolling alone, just so someone would be watching over him. Thomas was angry with him at the time, and Alastair had no reason to think that they would ever speak again. But he followed him anyway, just to make sure that he was safe and okay. And Thomas would never have found out about this; no one would have, if not for Thomas's arrest. It was another act of pure, selfless love.

Alastair also has a knack for sensing what people need and doing it. When Matthew needed some tough love in ChoT to quit his drinking, Alastair provided it despite the fact that he and Matthew had been in constant, deeply acrimonious conflict for years. Alastair is the only person besides Christopher to empathize with Grace when James shares what she did to him. Alastair understands Cordelia's worries about the Carstairs family and is in one occurrence speaks her mind:

“Thank you, Mr. Herondale,” she said. “I hope to live up to your expectations.” Tessa looked surprised. “Why would you ever worry about that?” “Cordelia worries,” Alastair said unexpectedly, “because of the idiots who mutter about our father, and our family. She should not let them bother her.”

It's worth noting that Alastair can also use his ability to read people for bad. As Thomas notes, he can figure out your insecurities at a glance; this is how he knows to target James for his unusual eyes and demonic heritage, and to target Matthew for his visible cues of queerness.

But is this trauma? I believe so. Trauma makes people extremely sensitive to their environments. Growing up with Elias - and being in a relationship with Charles - Alastair would have needed to read cues to interpret their moods quickly. He also would have needed to figure out how inebriated Elias was at a glance so he could proceed to deal with him appropriately; we see a bit of this at Cordelia's wedding in ChoI.

Another good example of Alastair being sensitive to the needs of others (but also hypercompetent) is when he tells Thomas that he cannot make Thomas the sole reason he stays in London. "It will put too much pressure on Thomas" is horribly thoughtful and insightful, and "mature." But it also is almost ridiculous in how stunted a worldview it is, how much it sidelines Alastair's needs because Alastair is not used to prioritizing his own needs. His own happiness is not a consideration.

According to psychologists,

As children, survivors learned to read other people — to read their tone, their movement, their words, and their emotions. This was helpful to safely avoid danger, to know what a situation called for, and to generally rise to what any circumstance required. As adults, their challenge can be to not feel swamped by other people’s emotions or dilemmas and to not let other people’s needs take over in every situation. As adults, the value in this is they can intuit what others may need. Through this, they can be empathic, caring, and kind. They may seek to understand another’s perspective; they can allow for differences and look to find fair solutions for all.

This describes Alastair to a T. The other items on the given list of life skills that trauma survivors have also describe Alastair: responsibility and competence, as we discussed earlier, as well as an ability to connect with others.

Vulnerability

It's not all about reading people, either. Alastair also has a lot of trouble with vulnerability, but once he feels safe enough to be vulnerable (even subconsciously), he can't control his physiological emotional responses. I'm specifically thinking of two instances here, both with Thomas:

The Sanctuary scene, in which he cries in a moment that is probably THE most vulnerable he has ever been with another person, and

The scene outside Matthew's flat, when he nearly cries as he tells Thomas that he is moving to Tehran and is afraid of fleeing and becoming like his father.

In these moments, Alastair is not only the competent and highly intelligent adult that he is in fact. He is also his wounded inner child, having "persistent and chronic feelings of emptiness, helplessness and hopelessness." (Also displayed when he says he wasted his chance with Thomas, btw).

You can look over the "wounded inner child" list here, but some points I associate with Alastair include:

Self-sabotaging behaviours (fighting with TMT, almost moving to Tehran, going back to care for Charles at the beginning of ChoT)

Difficult relationships with family members (the distance from Cordelia, being Sona's partner in crime, everything about Elias)

Self-criticism/low self-esteem (he literally calls himself something that's "unhealthy and bad for [Thomas]" in ChoI)

Relationship issues (this would be a whole other fucking essay about the cycle of abuse and how survivors of domestic abuse often get into abusive relationships, but Charles ofc. Also the fact that it seems incomprehensible to him that Thomas might love him)

(Mmmmm would you like a "get to know your wounded inner child" fic about Alastair? Yes? Okay. I'm getting ideas.)

Ambiguously Neurodivergent

This brings me to my next point. Alastair feels... distinctly neurodivergent, but in a "slippery" way. He has some of the social challenges and high levels of intelligence commonly associated with autism; he has the empathy and hyper-awareness commonly associated with ADHD and other forms of autism. He is very analytical and thoughtful, but also very sensitive and emotional. It's a conundrum.

But those with cPTSD often feel like this. cPTSD is often misdiagnosed as autism (which is, in fact, something that happened to me personally.) It mimics a lot of autistic traits while still feeling slightly... off. Not quite like autism. Not quite like ADHD. Not quite bipolar, not quite borderline, not quite anything. It's just cPTSD, neurodivergence in its own right.

The Mask and the Real: A Non-Conflict

The last thing I'd like to say about Alastair is this. And it's really important, and what sets Alastair apart from other portrayals of cPTSD.

Alastair has armor. Alastair has a mask. But that mask is REAL. He and Matthew are two of the only characters that have this, in my opinion. Other good portrayals of cPTSD, like Ben Gross from Never Have I Ever (another blorbo of mine), have a hardened armor-shell exterior to hide the wounded child inside. In cases like Ben's, this is a facade.

This isn't true of Alastair.

I talk about this in my last fic a bit:

He was smart; he was clever. His tongue was a whip, and that was what made him Alastair Carstairs. On some days, he could almost believe that this was the complete truth of himself. It wasn’t difficult; his personality was not a façade. He was cutting, cunning, convincing. He did have sharp edges, and ones that he was learning to love as Thomas ran his fingers along them and did not draw blood. And yet, underneath that layer, there was more to him. There were the long, nightmare-filled midnights that Thomas held him through when he stayed over, drawing steady circles on his back and telling him that it was alright not to be quite well. There were outings where he would catch a whiff of gin’s strong scent and cover his nose, willing his eyes to show nothing as he walked away too quickly.

These traits aren't lies. They're not a shell he's built up around himself. They're real, and he has unfortunately been made to weaponize his sense of humor and his cutting wit and his intelligence.

Alastair feels real - and his cPTSD feels real - because he is a fascinating dichotomy, an enigma, and above all a great depiction of a person who feels real. His complexities aren't glossed over. The narrative is sympathetic to him while not making him a Poor Innocent Woobie. He makes mistakes, he makes amends. He laughs and he cries and he hates and he loves, and he experiences every part of the human condition to its fullest on-page. explicitly.

In the end, the only other character who does that is his equal opposite in all things, Matthew Fairchild. But I'll leave that essay for another day.

I guess I'll tag @alastair-appreciation-month in this because, hey, it's Alastember. Why not.

#alastair carstairs #tsc deep dives #cptsd #psychoanalysis #chain of thorns #chot

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