#and why it took me so long to realize im a lesbian
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you have to be sexy but you have to be sexy in a way that's kind of bloody. you learn this early because you are wearing a ruffled skirt and the snow around your ankles kicks little sand particles against your calves. baby's first catcall. welcome to sexiness! welcome to the eyesore of your own body!
you have to be sexy like high heels. like sculpted eyebrows. like lean stomach and highly treated hair. you have to be sexy like youth is sexy, which means you have to be sexy like boxtox and plastic. a 30 year old can be sexy but she's not going to be bloody, and they like the bloodiness of it. a 30 year old is sexy when she is a whiskey glass and a wooden desk.
but you need to be sexy like an open mouth. you need to be sexy like a bitten apple. like plucked skin and white-knuckling the waxing kit.
so sex is a performance, not an enjoyment. for a while, you just assumed everyone else was also in on the joke - nobody actually likes sex that much, right? like, some men probably do, but why would you? it is like a gender - your gender is sexy. your gender is the performance of sex. you are thigh highs and garter belts. which, to be fair, do make you feel sexy.
part of what does make sex good is that you can tell that other people want you, which means the performance of sexiness is both bloody and wanted, which is good, which means you are winning at having a body. being wanted is the prize. being wanted is the thing you are searching for, not hope. you think you are looking for a soft grave in easy loam, but that is bloody but not sexy. to be sexy you must be bloody like a red open sign. bloody like a handprint. this will make you wanted.
any wanted or unwanted body is subject to supply and demand, which is to say that the more demand, the better you are valued. you must be highly demanded to be valued. this is stated in matter-of-fact by some men. sometimes it is a priest that says it, and sometimes it is a podcaster, and sometimes it is the 45th president of the united states of america.
(if you do not have any experience with being told your value, i want you to grab the nearest bird to you and i want you to crush it into a thin paste in your hand. spit into the center, and then hold your fingers closed tight around it for days and days, long after the rot has set in. feel bones itch inside of your fist. this is only a fraction of what it actually feels like, but it will suffice for a moment.)
good sex feels like you have earned their desperation. you have earned your own value. for a while you operated under the understanding that everyone knew about the power structure, even him. that their desire to take you - the violence of it - means that you must desire to be caught. little prince, guardian fox - you would rather have cut your own arm off. you liked the secret, cunning little voice you keep tucked into a box. you think you are fucking me. i am not even here right now. you are fucking what i conned you into perceiving. this is a painting, not a person. dominion over the body before all things.
so you bend your body like a wheat shaft and learn the steps so perfectly that it almost seems graceful. (if you do not have experience faking your own connection to your body and sexuality, cut each of your articles of clothing just a little bit incorrectly. pour fishbones into each of your meals. this way, you will experience the average noon on a tuesday.)
you have to be sexy like light spilled over a desk, but not desperate. not a noose. you can't be sexy like an electric guitar, you are the acoustic. you have to be on top of the bull but you can't have control over the animal.
okay, okay. the little rabbit of your heart went to sleep so long ago that winter has ravaged your concept of the human soul. there's something very-bad inside you, something that has taken over, a little fetid and rabid animal, angry and hurting and willing to bite first.
oh but even that's a pain that's sexy. open your mouth. be careful not to let the canines show.
#spilled ink#writeblr#warm up#the reason i tag warm up on so much is bc often i write them between me doing other things so im mostly telling myself to come back and edi#bc i rarely have time to check for typos lol#this is partially about compulsory heterosexuality btw#and why it took me so long to realize im a lesbian#i just assumed sex wasn't really supposed to be that good#been reading feminist lit and u can always tell
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Accidentally coming out as a lesbian to your brother, Mike // Mike Schmidt x sister!reader
**not a ship**
Summary: your afraid to come out to your big brother, Mike
Warnings: fear to come out, crying,
A/N: idk, I just wanted to write abt lesbians 🤷♀️
+•°+*°•++•°+*°•+
You and Mike always had the best relationship. Especially when it came to caring for one another, you both loved each other more then life, and you felt as though you could go to him for anything.
But, you had soon developed a secret, and kept it from him, scared for his reaction.
You had liked a girl for a while now. This girl, was none other then your best friend, gf/n.
You had learned that she liked you too not to long ago. You had agreed to go out with her that evening, but what you did, maayyy have put your plans on pause.
Mike had asked you what you were gonna do this weekend, he was very obviously just lonely and wanted time with his little sister. "So, what are you doing this weekend?" He asked looking up at you from the table he was sitting at.
"I got a date with the girl i like." You gasped and covered your mouth, staring at him. He looked at you in confusion, which you misunderstood as him being upset or angry.
You ran to your room as fast as you could, locking the door behind you. You picked up the phone to call gf/n and inform her that you might have to cancel for a few days.
Once you did that, you hung up and slid down the wall, now sitting on the floor with your hands over your head, you began crying. Which turned into sobbing.
You tried to be quiet with it, but sadly, Mike heard every sob that fell from your mouth. Secretly sitting by your door.
You stayed in there the rest of the night. The next morning, he knocked on your door, you groaned while turning over. You soon realized that it was Mike who was at your door.
You quickly sat up, you stared at the door for a while, before he knocked again "y/n, get dressed. We gotta talk." and walked away.
You were very scared and nervous. You put on the first thing you saw, which was jeans and one of his hoodies that you had stole.
You walked out to see him sitting at the table, fidgeting with a pen. You took a deep breath and sat down across from him.
You eventually looked up at him, he was just looking deep into your chocolate brown eyes, for some reason, for the first time ever, you felt small under his stare.
"Y/n.." you hummed in response, feeling tears come to your eyes. "I-im not mad....i just wanna know, why didn't you tell me?"
"Cause..." you whimpered out, he gripped your hand. "Cause why, you thought id be mad?" He asked and you nodded,
"You and me have always been so close, y/n, baby, did you really think id stop loving and caring for you just because you like girls?" You let out a small sob, Mike didn't immediately go into comfort mode just yet, he wasn't finished.
"Y/n, i love you more then anything, and nothing, nothing could ever change that. I promise you that no matter what happens i will always be here for you. And i will never stop loving you. Always and forever."
You let it all out after that. You leaned into him. You snuggled into his chest, staining his white tee with your tears.
"But i am gonna need my sweatshirt back." He said playing with the loose fabric. You giggled at him, "never."
You went on your date that night, and Mike approved of gf/n, obviously.
+•°+*°•+
Tags
None :(((
#mike schmidt x sister reader#mike schmidt#mike schmidt fnaf#mike schmidt x you#mike schmidt x reader#sister reader#big brother#big brown eyes#x you fluff#hurt/comfort#x you#lesbian pride#lesbian!reader#lgbt pride#yay#josh hutcherson
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no but hear me out:
i want robin to kiss a girl in season 5 so badly and no matter who it is, in the end of the day i will take it because she needs a gf already
BUT
it has to be nancy. like it has to be.
it's not that i dislike vickie or anything but i just (i better not get canceled for that one) feel like her character was kind of poorly written? no hate to the actress at all, but to me it just felt like they copy-pasted robin's entire personality and turned it into a new character?? i don't know maybe that's just me?
robin deserves a complex character by her side (nancy god damn wheeler) and i am dying on that hill.
nancy is and has always been such a complex character and giving her a girlfriend would only EMPHASIZE this complexity.
from s1 one until now nancy has been captured in this love triangle and it is pretty clear that she never felt fully understood in neither of those relationships.
like she always had to prove herself you know what i mean? with both steve and jonathan.
now guess what? she never had to prove herself around robin. ROBIN EVEN PUT HER IN CHARGE HELLO??
and robin...well the way she rambled around nancy?? the way she looked down when she saw the way nancy was looking at steve?? the way she called for nancy when she went after steve?? the way they held hands???
they both deserve each other so much.
i could literally talk about this for HOURS oh my god. the ronance hyperfixation is going strong!
hello anon i understand u so strongly, and im sorry this took me so long to get to! i promise it wasn't intentional!
i will forever be on the train that even if vickie was done better than she was, she will always be a character introduced to give the lesbian character a love interest, she was doomed to this position from the start because she had no other real purpose! rockie will always feel inorganic because vickie is nothing beyond a love interest for robin.
this is. such a common problem, ESPECIALLY in wlw ships, and that's why i love ronance. nancy wheeler is immune to this phenomenon because she and robin were both created independently and with different purposes, and their stories come together so well its actually insane
nancy wheeler is one of those characters that is so hard to understand if you don't look at her through a queer lens, or at the very least an anti-misogynist one. i think the best thing the duffers could do for her is finish the arc she started in season 1, which is focused on self-realization and discovery.
the entire show she has been told who she is, what she should do, who she likes, who she loves, by everyone! it is never nancy who says these things, it is other characters telling her, even barb, even robin. how insane would it be if she came to the conclusion on her own that she liked women? or at the very least had looked at her own feelings not through the lens of someone who didn't understand her or the situation they were talking about.
robin falls into these same patterns, but the more she gets to know nancy, the more she really understands her, the more she backs off on those kinds of comments and the more she uplifts nancy's voice. there is SO MUCH POTENTIAL in them and the fact that it will more likely than not be ignored is so. agonizing. please duffer brothers see the vision
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silly guys (tm)
kiamei high school au <3
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Mei was drifting off in class, a rare occurrence on the behalf of her usual studious attitude. But today, instead of classwork to be discussed, the entire room was filled with conversation about the upcoming prom dance. Mei hadn’t been particularly interested in participating, that is, until her deskmate leaned over with a cheeky grin on her face.
“Hey, do you have a date to prom?”
Mei was slightly surprised by the question, but shook her head after a moment. “No. I don’t think I’ll go unless someone asks me.”
“Aww, don’t have that attitude,” her deskmate pouted. “I can help you find a date if you want! I'm the best matchmaker!” she puffed out her chest proudly.
Mei tried to turn her down, but her deskmate insisted until she eventually caved. Gleefully, the other girl wrote down her number on a slip of paper and passed it over.
“Text me when you get home,” she winked.
“Sure,” Mei accepted the piece of paper and slipped it into her bag, feeling her cheeks grow warm. “What was your name, by the way?”
“Kiana!” the girl grinned. She was about to say something else, but the bell signaling the end of class cut her off.
“I gotta go! Text me please! See you!” and before Mei could get a word in edgewise, Kiana had grabbed her school bag and dashed off.
That afternoon, Mei spent a long time mulling over texting Kiana. She wasn’t sure what to say, but eventually opted for a simple message.
Hey kiana, you gave me your number earlier
Her phone dinged almost immediately with a response.
oh hey hows it going im soso excited u agreed to let me find u a date u !have 2 go to prom!!!!!
Mei barely had time to read the message before another one came in.
ok so first of all what's ur type do u like girls or boys btw or both??
She exhaled softly, closing her eyes for a moment before typing a response.
I feel like I should tell you this first. I’m a girl
Mei hadn’t come out to a single person at her school yet, and she’d barely only met Kiana, so she wasn’t sure what came over her to suddenly reveal something she hadn’t the courage to bring up previously. The anxiety set in only after she’d sent the message, spiking when she saw the little bubble that meant that Kiana was typing.
She heard the notification that signified Kiana’s reply.
oh cool swag!! are u lesbian?
Mei nearly dropped her phone. That wasn’t the response that she’d been expecting.
Now that the anxiety from her initial message had started to dissipate, she actually had the chance to consider Kiana’s question. She’d never used that word for herself before, but the label made her strangely giddy. Mei smiled slightly and clutched her phone tighter.
yeah, I guess so
yay same!!!! do u wanna go to the dance with me then?????
She nearly dropped her phone again.
I’d love to
Kiana’s response was nearly instantaneous.
ok great! let's go dress shopping this weekend okay?
I already have plenty of dresses
yes but i want to go shopping with u!! it's a deal you have to go
Mei couldn't argue with Kiana, so she sighed and typed out a reply.
i’ll go
yayy i'm so excited!!!!! see u then
There was a few moment's pause before she got another message.
whats ur name again? i have horrible memory so srry
Mei blinked in confusion. Everyone in school knew her name, with being the heir to a big company, people talked about her a lot. And Kiana had called her by name, multiple times.
It took Mei a few seconds to realize that Kiana was likely trying to avoid her deadname.
it’s mei
alrighty mei!! i will be at the mall shopping district this saturday. u had better be there
Mei smiled softly.
I’ll see you then
…
Mei showed up to the mall that Saturday afternoon, unsure where to find Kiana as the girl hadn’t specified a meeting time or place. She was about to text Kiana, when someone grabbed her hand and she spun around quickly.
“Mei! You came!”
It was none other than Kiana herself, a bright grin on her face.
“Why wouldn’t I? I said I would,” Mei replied, awkwardly holding Kiana’s hand still as she was unsure of how to release it. “I… already have a dress, so I don’t really need to go shopping, but-”
“But shopping is fun!” Kiana cut her off. “It doesn't matter if you already have a dress or not! It’s trying them on that’s the best part.”
Mei was helpless to resist as Kiana dragged her into the first store.
Soon enough, both girls had a whole rack of dresses to try on, and they would have selected more had the fitting room attendant not ushered them to try on the ones they had before they had half of the store picked out. Mei could barely carry all of the dresses inside and figured she’d have to make multiple trips to get them all.
The first dress that Mei tried fit awkwardly around the shoulders, but Kiana still insisted she show her. They had a good laugh about the dorky sleeves before Mei shuffled back inside to try a different one.
The second dress was a bit too bright and a bit too frilly for Mei’s liking, but once again Kiana insisted she see it. This time, Kiana herself had tried on a dress, one covered in blue sequins so bright it made it difficult to look directly at her.
“That one’s cute, Mei! Do you like it?”
“Not really,” Mei mumbled, shuffling the skirt’s base with her fingertips. “Too much fabric. It feels like I’m wearing a tutu.”
“How about mine! What do you think?”
“It’s a little…” Mei searched for a good word. “Um, the cut is cute, but maybe in a different color…?”
“Aw, you don’t like blue? I think it’s fancy!” Kiana spun in a circle, making the dress twirl out around her. “You should try that black one on next! I bet it would be adorable on you.”
Mei took the one Kiana was talking about off the rack and headed back into the fitting room.
The dress itself was very pretty, but Mei had a hard time zipping up the back, so she eventually opted to knock on the door and ask Kiana for help.
“Does it fit okay?” Kiana asked.
“Not sure, I can’t reach the zipper.” Mei mumbled embarrassedly, her back turned from Kiana.
“Need some help? Here, let me try!”
Mei nodded and her cheeks burned from the feeling of Kiana’s hands against her bare back. With a bit of tugging, Kiana managed to get the zipper up, and she turned Mei around.
“Oh, that’s adorable!” Kiana beamed. “The cut really fits you a lot! Do you like it?”
“It feels a little stiff,” Mei's hands slid down her sides, feeling the dress’s fabric. “It’s hard to
move around in.”
“Aww,” Kiana made a pouty face. “Another one, then. How about the orange one?”
“Sure.” And Kiana headed back to her own dressing room to try a new one on.
This time, Mei wasn’t first to finish changing, and Kiana eagerly knocked on her door.
“Hey, Mei, Mei, come look! I really like this one!”
“Okay, give me a minute,” Mei replied as she finished off the clasps of her dress. She pushed the door open and saw Kiana outside, an eager expression on her face.
Kiana’s dress was very form-fitting with a long skirt that flowed past her ankles in sparkling, elegant fabric. It was stunning and Mei couldn’t tear her eyes away from the sight.
“Like it?”
“It’s…” Mei blinked, unable to make eye contact. “Very pretty. I like it a lot, it fits you well.”
“So blue is my color?” Kiana flashed a wink, and then spun in a circle again. “I dunno, do you think this is too fancy for a school dance?”
“Not at all,” Mei shook her head.
Kiana gleefully set that dress aside and the two girls spent at the very least an hour trying on dresses. Mei eventually settled on one that she liked much better than anything she had at home, and Kiana offered to buy it for her, but she blatantly refused. Mei ended up paying for both of their dresses despite Kiana's protests.
“I’ll get you back somehow!” she’d insisted, and Mei had laughed.
They’d gone to part ways that evening, but only after Kiana had insisted Mei call her later to chat. Mei agreed, and was internally thankful that she’d been convinced to go shopping together, even if she’d only gotten one dress out of every one she tried on all afternoon.
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episode 8 time, this rewatch has made me realize the title cards' style don't actually alternate every episode. is there a pattern to them or what?
starting off with nika and martin telling the rest of earth house about miorine starting gund-arm inc and lmfao at nuno just calling that shit out immediately. yeah her ulterior motive is being a giant lesbian
honestly had kinda forgotten how averse to the idea of working for miorine the whole of earth house was at the beginning
before the break up arc i thought this frame was going to be important for dealing with prospera especially when later on miorine is shown for being one to keep receipts (ie. the photo she took of the kids who threw the spraycan or whatever at martin's head). but nah i guess she was just recording everything prospera was gonna have to say about gundams etc
i know prospera's priorities are hella skewed from her own trauma, but i honestly don't blame her for keeping this from suletta for as long as she did. no one on mercury needed to know about this and suletta wasnt in any danger while piloting aerial
i think if anything, it probably shouldve been information to be divulged to her prior to leaving to asticassia, but even then im not sure given suletta's personality early on. like she wouldnt have blabbed about it but it may have always just been more dangerous for her to have that knowledge
musemetachi again and one of the most iconic prospera shots lmao
and of course mio isn't buying any of this shit
important points being made, but like... why didn't she just ask herself lol
enter the shaddiq plot and it's kinda funny how suletta immediately pins the issue at hand here and why shaddiq is trying to pursue gund-arm. meanwhile miorine can't even fathom that being true
kinda funny to have miorine of all people telling earth house to look on the bright side after they see how much money theyve got to work with. though i'm pretty sure this is just her early naivety
miorine rembran, prospera mercury told you to check your privilege
i guess i don't really have much to say on earth house standing their ground against building weapons since lmao its objectively good and all the coming work with earth house allows miorine to not be so prickly and realize there are people out there who will be her genuine friends
i wonder if by the end of the series guel even realized shaddiq was in love with miorine lol
literally what even is sarius' deal against gundams
well, he was right i guess
in rewatching this episode, its hard not to feel so frustrated with shaddiq. like sure, she was likely never going to return your feelings, but could you not have just said something instead of all this posturing and trying to play white knight lol
something something suletta doesnt even hug her mom in greeting
i don't think anyone at earth house could have even fathomed the idea that miorine would have found something for them to focus on besides weapons
man, i wish miorine and dr cardo could have met lol
god this fucking promo video lmao
i wonder if even if its a tiny miniscule amount, but if prospera holds any sort of respect for miorine choosing to have gund-arm inc focus on what the vanadis institute was originally doing. thats honestly something i wish we'd had gotten at all some point
mio please
as soon as suletta starts talking about how much fun shes having, mio just gets the softest look on her face and lays her head against suletta's back and gosh is it cute lmao that is a girl in love
what did she mean by this lmao
i dont want to know what cheering someone up is code for for maisie
interesting scene set up with the grassley girls to have sabina be the one to speak out their plan if miorine doesnt go along with it easily as well as having maisie call out the fact that shaddiq wouldnt want to do something to hurt miorine (laughing at this latter point imagining all the grassley girls clowning on shaddiq for his thing for miorine)
the stakes are all slowly building up but it still isnt nowhere near 2nd cour stakes. not sure if i'll get to episode 9 today because thats another favorite and just like my episode 7 rewatch, it may end up being 2 posts lol
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i found a 2022 spanish production of falsettos. um here's comments because i don't like it!
IT'S NOT FULLY SUNG-THROUGH?? why!!!
jason's too over-acting and whiny i don't like him.
trina's amazing!! her voice is godly . every trina i've seen is so well-casted... whizzer is in my heart too and marvin is pretty good
they broke mendel's character into ... two separate characters..... i dont understand why they chose that??? i dont really like it
took me very long to realize but THEY ARE NOT JEWISH!!!! WHAT!!!!!! I HATE THIS PRODUCTION SO MUCH BITING AND KILLING
1. mendel like the psychiatrist that appears from song one is a woman?
2. after im breaking down this guy appears (he's mentioned in everyone tells jason to see a psychiatrist) and he's trina's new boyfriend ... it's an interesting choice i guess?? i just really dont care about him during a tight-knit family reprise like who are you!!! your conflict with marvin makes no sense you dont know the guy you just tell him it's your family now without no previous stuff the obc gives you!!!!!!
marvin at the psychiatrist bad bad hate it. part one turned into a conversation . like literally practically word by word . part two is replaced (bc this mendel is not trina's gf ...) with a two sentence thing about gay sex ??? part three is ok . it's not a mini-opera if you only sing in 1/3 of the thing!!!!!!
"just because you failed as parents" ".....GET THEE TO A PSYCHIATRIST" became "BECAUSE YOU ARE BAD PARENTS!!!!" "you will go to the psychiatrist!!!"
also they dont say psychiatrist they say psychologist . those are two different jobs guys
in the this had better come to a stop coreography marvin is fucking going through it man he's suffering it so bad . it's expressive and all but i like the more subtle "im repressing it because im stubborn" things c borle and michael rupert got going on
AGAIN ... "smile trina ill help you mend!" BECOMES "trina, live and let live!" where's the psychiatrist having a relationship with his patient soo disappointed
no jason's therapy . THERE IS NO TRINA'S SONG / MARCH OF THE FALSETTOS. you just go fucking straight from i'm breaking down to tight-knit family (reprise) to trina's song reprise. huh
after the chess game it goes directly the games i play. i genuinely really like this whizzer
marvin hits trina is fine? no i am so dumb. also NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU NEW BOYFRIEND!!!!! STOP COMMENTING ON STUFF!!!!!! after the hit there's like ONE second and there's no tension and we're already starting with i never wanted to love you.
act 2 starts with "2 years later" and miracle of judaism. huh!!!!!!! and they dont tell us who the lesbians are!!!
there's some cheerleader girls in miracle of judaism cheering for jason he's distracted by them
the pace in the act 2 is all off!!!! there's missing songs just like in act 1 but here there's no high building up that breaks when whizzer falls sick . it's just uhhgh
no bar mitzvah . just a birthday. hate hate hate
the you gotta die something coreography is amazing ngl . there's a guy in black acting as the death and he dances with whizzer and throws him around leaves him on the floor when he tries to grab him just woahg . it's similar to the thrill of first love one too ..
marvin carries a crying whizzer to the hospital bed and what would i do? is him sitting down to him next to it .
no jason's bar mitzvah though bc no jewish people no bar mitzvah...
someone threw roses at marvin and whizzer and i agree
thats it i really really dislike this. good voices and all but the story is all over the place and it's by far the worst production i've seen bc of EVERYTHING they removed..
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I'm not the prev anon and I wouldn't call you a disgusting homophobe but I would guess they said that because of your use of homophobic slurs like "faggy". I consider that word offensive personally maybe others do too. It's for gay men to reclaim that one
I use to be very uncomfortable with the words fag, dyke, queer for obvious reasons bc those were the words I heard growing up being used to describe queer ppl, and not to long ago id reblog post about how bad the word queer was and I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that people actually wanted to use that word. I preferred using/saying/calling myself butch rather than dyke for that same reason. even seeing the word fag used so leisurely between other queer ppl online a year ago made me so uncomfortable and in my head i was like ‘why even use that word gay man or not ew’ so I get people being uncomfortable with those words bc I use to be to! I could go even deeper, I use to be very against kink and leather at pride bc it made me uncomfortable and only recently after taking many queer studies classes did I realize why and it took me reading actual archive queer news articles from the 80s and 90s for me to learn.
all of this is to say, there are certain ppl in the community who say only lesbians can say dyke and only gay men can say fag and man idk! 🤷🏾 like I get it but also im getting called a fag if I hold hands with another woman in public like fag isnt only used against gay men but again I get why ppl think only they can reclaim. when I use words like fag/faggy dyke queer etc it’s not in a derogatory way it’s in a good way like being a fag is good! being a dyke is good! and also im trying to be silly like not serious at all!
+ I dont ever want to make anyone who likes my blog uncomfortable and im sorry if anyone is!
#it’s late at night and im typing this on my phone#if you think only gay men can say fag I mean okay!
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lil personal update thing
so after 7 years since i first started identifying as a lesbian, i realized that i am, in fact, actually bi! its been about a week and it still feels weird to think of myself as bisexual, after pinning a lot of my identity on being a lesbian for so long.
there are a lot of things that factor into why it took me so long to realize this, though there was one catalyst that kinda....opened my eyes and brought everything in perspective. but i think a lot of it boils down to, my attraction to men in general is more complex than my attraction to women, and i feel like there are more variables that can make it harder to discern.
also, part of my experience in my initial lesbian realization was reading about different lesbians' experiences with comphet, and the things i read resonating with me. idk if its possible to experience comphet if youre bi, but also ive come to realize that im demiromantic, which like id suspected that for awhile but now i can say that with more certainty. so that also played a role, im sure.
anyways!! thats basically it. there is something i want to say rq, though:
thank you lesbians. i love you lesbians. thanks for having me for awhile <3
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about Romantic Killer (BIG SPOILERS)
ok i just finished watching Romantic Killer and it's so good wtf????????? the plot developed so much better than i was expecting at first?????? Anzu is such a good character and such a good friend????? so i need to ramble about it bare with me for a moment
the show is hilarious and i love how exaggerated the funny expressions are, but it also has some rly serious part damn im legit impressed (Anzu and Kazuki's first hug kinda got me tearing up ngl)
each of the characters is slowly developed so well. like damn. Kazuki's story is specially detailed and it caught me by surprise when they showed the flashbacks of the first episodes after we found out why he became so distant and conscious of people and everything made so much sense. and he felt so realistic in the way he reacted, his struggle to open up and every single time he started feeling anxious and panicking in public was so well done (and i wanted to take him away from the crowd and pat his head every time ugh T_T). i was just slightly dissapointed that right on the last episode he admited that he started crushing on Anzu bc after the entire season of them just being an amazing duo of friends i was so hopeful we would finally get a 'love interest' turned only best friend (bc lets admit its not like she doesnt already have enough ppl interested in her without Kazuki being one of them too). bc i was enjoying headcanoning him as aroace as i was watching :') oh well. maybe if it ends up not having a s2 i can pretend he realized he wasnt in love and he just loves her platonically a lot! if they dont give me the aroace boy i will rip it from their cold dead hands! :D
and i loved the plot twist on how Junta was actually her true childhood friend all along and she took so long to realize... his feelings were totally real awwwww and he is really a sweetheart, i like the childhood friend trope! buuuut i gotta admit im just living for the huge crush Makoto clearly has on Junta. boyo isn't hiding it very well. that scene when Makoto holds Saki's hand and takes her away from the triggering situation? that was gay x lesbian solidarity right there !
and Saki OH MY GOD SAKI. the episode focused on showing how the two of them became friends and how important Anzu is to her and the way she has always defended her and what Saki went through oh god... her story was so realistic and seeing her reaction seeing that stupid ass ex was such a realistic depiction of a kind of trauma like that. she's such a good character im so happy they developed her so well and didnt make her just an irrelevant school friend character!!! (also she's a lesbian i am not taking criticism- /hj)
i need to mention how Anzu is absolutely bisexual btw. her reaction to meeting Kazuki's sister? she literally straight up said "i'll fall for her" c'mon
and Riri!!! omg!!!! little genderfluid chaos gremlin!!!!!!!! i was so so happy that not only Anzu girbossed her way to getting them out of their punishment but she got them to permanently live on the human world AND officially made them one of the love interests??? ULTIMATE GIRLBOSS MOVE Anzu i love you so much dear. so ngl i lowkey would like seeing Anzu end up with Riri/Rio the most ksjefhskdjf badass girl x genderfluid gremlin??? so much potential cmon they literally were punished for breaking magic rules bc they care too much about Anzu that's so fucking cute skjfhsdf
and Hijiri!!!!! from a little annoying rich bastard to a little just slightly annoying tsundere rich baby!!! i really like that he's interested in her and all but ultimately he's just there working and helping her out a lot like he becomes genuinely a great friend??
so yeah. as one can tell from the immense number of written words here i have liked this anime quite a lot. binged it in a day, all at once, no regrets. i'll be happy if there's a 2nd season if it is as good as this 1st one, bc this was amazing! so glad i decided to give it a chance <3 there's even more things i could talk about here but i dont wanna write a novel chapter of a post so i'll stop here LMAO
but really, if you're into comedy, romance and some nice character development, you won't regret giving Romantic Killer a chance :)
#romantic killer#anime analysis#anime commentary#romantic killer spoilers#romki#kiri doing the talk thing#hoshino anzu#tsukasa kazuki#hayami junta#takamine saki#koganei hijiri#yeah you could say i liked it a bit#just slightly obsessed
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My being GAY experience story
OKAY so when i was 19 i had just moved back to my state from college- some shit had happened and i was returning to my old job where i used to work when i was 16. there was a lady there who was in her mid 30s. we'll call her K. K was very attractive to me but i never really acknowledged that i thought she was attractive because i didn't acknowledge that i was attracted to women. it was like 'i can see why gay women would be attracted to her but im not....not at all.'
K was very popular where we worked. Cool tempered (before her sous chef promotion). Personable. Friendly. Always smiling. Easy to get along with- it seemed. She drew a lot of people to her. When i was younger i noticed this but she seemed to kinda ignore me because i mean i was a kid ya know?
however, when i returned, she tackled me and gave me the biggest hug out of anyone. weird, because we didn't have a close relationship when i was there before. so i get my job back and it was like she was going out of her way to talk to me all the time but i didn't mind it- i really needed the friends. but over time i realized she would slip things in about her relationship status.
she was in a long term relationship
she used to be engaged
it's over now
she's single- not looking for anything
oh- cool! good, you should rush into anything if you're not ready for anything, K.
during that summer i was having trouble finding somewhere to stay, as i said i'd come back to my state from college (short notice) and my mom wasn't intending on putting me up long term. so i was looking to friends. at the time, K, was one offering to let me couch surf at her place. i was so grateful, dude. i didn't have a whole lot of options so i agreed. i was staying any and everywhere people would allow me to and that got me into a lot of trouble that year.. it got me hurt too. im in therapy now for some of it but i wont get into tonight but just know i've learned that not everyone is always as kind as they say they are.
i never initially gave K any indication that i wasn't straight. i'd only ever talked to her about guys. i was nice to her and sure, she would give me compliments, calling me 'beautiful' and i would accept them but i never thought they meant much of anything.
i started having issues with my mother and i took up drinking and partying that year. if there was a party, i was there. the place i worked, they partied like animals- they could afford to and the alcohol they serve was the good shit, shit i could never get my hands on otherwise so i tried showing up when i could.
at one of the parties, K took to 'looking after' me and i drank so much that my judgement was all out of whack.. i was completely fucked up and i wound up kissing her in front of one of my best friends at the time (not the girl i went to prom with- a different girl i dont talk to her anymore...she's weird.. after this happened she told me that she 'always thought she would be my first lesbian kiss'.... um, girl... chile, anyways so) and she just.... let me. then she took me too the bathroom and made out with me some more when i very clearly should've been prioritizing vomiting. annnnnnnnd someone we worked with caught us and suddenly the whole fucking party found out.
next thing you know, im getting a text from my ex who i denied dating because i was 29 and he was 17 and why did that even happen and he's grilling me like DID YOU MAKE OUT WITH K??????? ARE YOU GAY??????? (nigga since when did i owe you anything??? WHYYYYY DID I DATE MY COWORKERSSSSS???? WHY WAS I DATING HIM AS A MINOR?????? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!)
work for the next month or so is this weird minefield of navigating rumors or me being gay that aren't actually rumors because they're based on the fact that i made out with a woman and she's not helping me dispel anything. if anything she's playing into the rumor mill because i was the young thing that several people were pursuing but weren't successful and she 'got me' after one drunken night. and suddenly my reputation is ruined and i'm easy, oh and gay lol
and at the time, i saw her as a friend because she made me feel like she was on my side but now that i'm older i realize how much of this was so fucked up. she practically tried to force me out of the closet.
i remember crying to her several times telling her that i was straight and she was like, 'yeah.. but why would you kiss me tho?' BITCh urrghhh
THEN eventually, when i felt like, i had no choice but to just accept it. i was going to come out to my mom WHO WORKED WITH US. WHO SHE WOULD FLIRT WITH ME IN FRONT OF!!!!! i was pretty much trying to weigh all of my options and she was pretty much trying to tell me how i had to be gay. she was going to be the stud. i was going to be the femme. she was going to kick up her feet and i was going to spoil her and buy her shit. MIND YOU! I WAS 19 WORKING FRONT OF THE HOUSE AS A HOSTESS, BARISTA AND DINING ROOM ATTENDANT living from couch to couch!!!! meanwhile this bitch was 35 making bank as a whole entire fucking sous chef with her own place i----
NSFW AHEAD
and if anyone is curious, since i am telling this story i dont mind sharing the sordid details- we had sex ONE TIME and it was horrible. all she did was finger me and it was so uncomfortable. i just wanted it to be over. so i moaned a little loud and faked it like i would with a man and she got a swollen head about how she made me cum soooo hard and wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. and i'm just like ??????? damn so even women can't tell when we fake it? tragic lol. she couldn't fuck, but she was an amazing cuddler! i give her cuddling 100/10 stars🥰! no one has ever cuddled me that well again in my life which is saying alot.
anyway, my only experience being kinda openly gay irl was full of anxiety and a sprinkle of coaxing and intimidation 🥰 i never had a proper date with a woman. never had the whole, does this woman like me, is this gonna go somewhere? should we go out... thing. maybe i'll experience it someday but so far- nope!
#kulemiirl#i dont even know if it makes sense why i told this story but i never told anyone about this#its just.... been sitting with me all these years
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i think part of why it took me so long to realize im gay is how many non-lesbian women normalized dating men sounding like an obligation. when i was 17 i told a cishet friend (who was like 19-20) that the thought of having sex w a man made me anxious to the point of nausea and she was like omg yeah don’t worry that’s normal, eventually you’ll find a guy you like enough to tolerate the sex part. like i gotta give myself some credit for getting past comphet with no fucking help lmao
#also this girl is now married with a kid fwiw#is she probably on the ace spectrum? yeah but that’s not for me to tell her
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I appreciate your Input on the whole lesbian vs OSA woman,really, Im not only crypto because of the TRAs but also because fights on the internet happen so fast and I just cant deal... Especially when its friendly fire. Anyways, not too long ago an older feminist (like, active feminist she did so mich) told me that there where always these discussions between OSA and lesbian woman in feminist spaces (and we talking 70s). And I kind of do understand it, but I also think its really sad, unproductive, and if you feel like people are talking bullshit on the web, maybe Block them? Anyways, love your attitude on this xoxo
Thanks. I didn't have a radfem dedicated blog like this for most of the time I was on here because I can't deal either lol it just becomes inconsequential to me when I try to imagine/remember that there's another person sitting on the other side of the screen and IRL would I feel like owing the random stranger all the effort? Probably not. Haven't seen official numbers on it but judging from being parked here so long and just observing the average user of this site is a white American liberal in their early 20s if that who reads fanfiction more often than actual books, so...lol no
Reading from second wavers let alone speaking to them lets me know homophobia among feminists has been a long conversation with seemingly no end. But I really wish more of us were meeting offline, to help with the realization that we're not so different. I feel it's an advantage the women's liberation movement had in the past that we sorely do not right now and it's actively hindering us from making moves. TRAs have made it so hard to organize online even that I know it's hard to do but I really encourage all of you to meet as many radical feminists and even just straight up feminists (even liberal feminists) in real life as you can and try to find common ground with them
So many women in the world don't care about feminism, not even always out of malice but because it can be so inaccessible in certain parts of the world, that I'm a huge proponent of "agree to disagree" with other feminists especially online. Like 98% of my disagreement with posts I see on here from anyone ever I keep to my motherfucking self lol. Thinking about things I've been wrong or bigoted about in the past, it almost always took someone I know/something significant happening in my actual life to change my mind on those things, not some internet stranger. So idk why so many people try so hard at Tumblr arguments
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GUYS IM SORRY THIS REVIEW IS GOING UP LATE you’ll eventually see why lmao! “Cemetery Boys” by Aiden Thomas review!
Hello, Tumblrians! Because I’m trying to make sure practically all of my Goodreads finished books are covered here, there’s an overwhelmingly high number of reviews that are going to be published this week! Sorry :(! BUT!!! At least my reading queue is being cleared up for the end of the month (which you can attribute to me just wanting to be orderly but is actually related to the release of The Wicked Bargain by Gabe Cole Novoa)(who was?? In the acknowledgements for this book actually?? Are the authors friends or something?). Broskis I was so excited for Cemetery Boys because I’ve been wanting to read it for YEARS!!! It was one of the first queer books I ever heard about, actually! And it will always have a special place in my heart because it’s the first time I’ve read a book with a trans protagonist. (I’m non-binary and also genderfluid, because a few times the trans male label could apply, and I’ve identified as some flavor of lesbian for a while although I’ve just been using the label “queer” for a while. Fits my gender better.)
Also HOLY SHIT i just realized!! This is my tenth Tumblr Review guys :D!! Wow! Very happy to be writing one about a book I adored! To celebrate this milestone, take some art I made of these two! It’s singlehandedly the reason why this review took so long to put up lmao, it’s almost midnight where I am but it’s probably not Saturday anymore for a lot of people on Tumblr up at this hour and with similar time zones as I. Gonna be honest, I was considering redrawing when Julian asked Yadriel if he could kiss him (in Spanish!!!)(read the book and you’d know why that’s a big deal lmao), but I watched an Instagram reel and featured in it was a very realistic piece of fanart of when the two were kinda just lovingly spending time sitting ontop the car and looking at the sunset by the side of the road! Inspiration just struck.
I’m hoping to post art on a more consistent basis in here, hopefully y’all enjoy the piece in this review! (Perhaps I’ll do this with every 10 book milestone?) (if I don’t like the book and don’t want to make fanart maybe I’ll just draw a different one or my OCs lol)
Anyhow! I absolutely ate up, devoured even, cried on, and threw up this book when I read it. Whilst some might not be a fan of the short time frame the romance happens in (it..took some adjusting for me to be honest), I was still absolutely emotional over Yadriel and Julian oh my goodness. They’re so sweet with each other!! WAUGH. I was anxious for a devastating ending most of the time, but wherever my heart was broken, it was healed with some of Yadriel’s brujx magic by the time I’d finished reading. (So corny I know but SHUSH.) The “last day” chapter/scene in the book also just radiated comfort haha. (Perhaps I’m biased though, as I tend to feel in colors and around this point I had enough of an emotional attachment to form the “nostalgic nighttime blues with a light yellow and orange-yellow haze feeling. Which I shall always associate with the smell of a well-kept hotel room now, thanks to the location I finished this book.) Julian opening up eventually, and his immediate acceptance of Yadriel was also very sweet. They were overall very sweet, even if the circumstances they were in meant that they made very “hormonal teen” decisions at times. It didn’t feel like a product of bad writing lmao I’m sure that was intentional.
Yadriel was also a spectacular example of authentic transmasculine representation. I was delighted to read a sentence that mentioned a binder, resonated with his experiences of gender dysphoria, and although he faces a lot of struggle to be seen as who he is within his family, that was handled with care. I also loved the different Latine cultures present in the families in the book, there were different touches added to Dia De Muertos and it brought a very home-y feel to some of the atmosphere of the book. (Saying “some of” because the other parts of the story are horror of course sjkskjbdfbk) On all fronts, the representation was great :).
Also, if the story seems interesting to you based on the premise, but you don’t really enjoy horror, keep in mind that the stuff in this is pretty tame! There’s a few gnarly details, like (slight spoilers) an attempted human sacrifice towards the end, and of course some of the spirits turning “maligno”(conjugent for “malignant”, they become corrupted before they’re forced to leave the surface world, your standard horror elements stuff ensues), but that’s about it. While spirits/ghosts and the existence of what’s technically witches in this realm means that it belongs under the horror category, at least I as a reader thought it fit more just under the paranormal genre. The only other horror book I’ve read on here is The Witchery, and I’d say it’s a teensy bit more spooky than that on the scale? All I have to say for that.
Anyhow! Last thing I feel like talking about is that I liked how the theme of death was handled throughout the book? In several ways, our characters were trying to find closure and there’s multiple very realistic depictions of grief. I’m kinda running out of rambling juice here, so I don’t have much else to add, but it was interesting to see the different facets of loss(I would elaborate on all of them, but I don’t feel like typing up a Spoiler Segment here and it would probably contain mild to moderate spoilers if I did that without warning). It made this a melancholy read, in my opinion.
Overall! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐/5 stars, no doubt :D! (the third book on here to be given a 5-star rating, there to join When The Angels Left The Old Country by Sacha Lamb and The Lesbiana’s Guide To Catholic School by Sonora Reyes!)
Paz, signing off!
(Book trigger/content warnings: Misgendering/deadnaming, mentions of transphobia, mentions of deportation, some instances of experienced racism, grief(loss of a parent), blood and body horror.)
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disassociation can manifest differently for each person and for each situation even within the same person, I don't think it's fair to describe it as if there is one experience of disassociation. it's embarrassingly dumb but I have explicitly addressed the thing that was causing me trauma that I was disassociated from, without realizing. like, "haha, it's like I'm acting traumatized, as if [abuse] is abusive! wth?" and. yes. that was exactly it. but because I'd so severely disassociated my feelings from my experiences, I internalized my disgust and took the blame so deep within me it didn't occur that the cause could be outside of myself, and not caused by my own defectiveness. basically self victim blaming. it still took years for me to realize (a lot of things). maybe I'm just powerfully stupid. but the other stupid lesbians (affectionate <3) out there deserve space to make these realizations too, and to know that you're not alone. I think that's why I am feeling so strongly about this, because I don't see how it helps any of us to make the distinction.
and I must have missed the start of this convo regarding mediocre sex with men, that is not what I am addressing.
alright thx for listening.
all im saying is that a lesbian dissociating and misunderstanding that as indifference, no matter how long, is not the same as actual indifference. there is value in differentiating because ACTUAL indifference (which i keep saying actual indifference, 100% indifference, etc BECAUSE i don’t think it’s possible for us to ACTUALLY be indifferent. but i do think it’s possible for us to deceive ourselves in the time that we are) would be actual neutrality, or finding something mediocre. and lesbians don’t actually experience either in sexual situations with men. we might tell ourselves that, we might momentarily think that, but at least for me, realising how truly traumatising all of it was was an integral part to me accepting my sexual orientation. and most of us ultimately end up realising our dissociation was not indifference whatsoever
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kelz rants about gender & sexuality & atyd
content warning: discussion of gender binary/gender questioning
the idea of personhood/extended empathy based on gender is so interesting to me (also its fucked up but my ba in gender & sexuality studies goes brrrr)
reading all the young dudes this past summer fundamentally changed my perception of my own gender and sexuality (went from cis-lesbian to genderqueer queer)
this is the second time since originally "coming out" that i've changed my labels (i went from cis-bi/pan to cis-lesbian about two years ago) and its gotten me thinking about the circumstances that made me feel the need to change labels each time.
re atyd, sometimes i think its because being in the POV of a man being attracted to another man keyed me into feelings surrounding the difference between sexual attraction and gender euphoria
but also: atyd just reminded me that men are complex people too and the essentialized argument of "what is man" versus "what is woman" is bullshit. it took me a while but i've come back around to the idea that men can also be complex and extraordinary human beings worth being attracted to
for the longest time i could not conceptualize people actually being attracted to men-- and then i realized that i was only thinking about straight cis men or gay cis men (ie people who have not experienced gender fluidity and whose attraction or repulsion, respectively, "trapped" me on the "woman" side of gender binary)
and why would the opinions of cis men make me so fundamentally uncomfortable....??
Oh.
Oh.
and its also really fucked up because you can tell the difference between how many men treat female strangers and the way they treat people they perceive as their true peers
and their "true peers" can include women, but the point is that for many men, (regardless of sexuality) women are the "other" until proven otherwise. conversely, men are peers until proven otherwise.
and it took me a long time to realize that i wasn't just annoyed at being dismissed or brushed aside in my personhood as a woman, i was annoyed at being brushed aside in my personhood AND being perceived as a woman (ie the feelings of being othered and being seen as a cis woman compounded)
the idea that i could be perceived as a complex person worth pursuing by a queer man was so out of reach for me because of how i'd been so dismissed in the past
tldr: cis men (and the male gaze tm) didnt see me as my whole person so i didnt see them as people and now im here forced to reckon with that
#rant#atyd#marauders#my sexuality#my gender#it really took me 8 years of being queer to figure out that im also genderqueer#it turns out that being jealous of cis men isnt just about their privilege#genderqueer
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