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emotionallyits2009 · 3 years

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deancas fic rec list!

hello everyone! happy christmas to those who celebrate it, my gift to you is my fic rec list that i said i would make like a month ago. the only thing it is organized by is canonverse vs alternate universe. tried to cover a variety of subjects but there are in particular many fics of the genre “postcanon where cas is human and he and dean live together and slowly finally get their shit together” because i know what i’m about, son. HOPE U ENJOY. and if you wanna talk about any of them or rec me other fics please do. :)

Canonverse:

where the weeds take root by deathbanjo, 30k, explicit “Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.” There are many fics set in a post-canon universe where Cas is human and he and Dean live together and slowly fall into a relationship. Imo this one is the best of the best of that genre. This was one of the first fics I read back in July when I was getting Back Into Supernatural where I was like oh fuck I’m like in this. Dean builds Cas planters and bookshelves and a chicken coop and they fight and work through it.

Cuckoo And Nest by komodobits, 10k, explicit For a long time, Castiel thought that every earthly possession other than the immediately necessary was excess to requirement. But Dean – Dean who named his car, who keeps a photograph of his mother in his wallet, some thirty-plus years after her death, who still has the crumpled ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign with a sleeping pelican emblazoned on it from the Microtel outside of Roanoke where he first kissed Castiel, clumsy and unsure, under the unsteady fluorescence of an exhausted bathroom bulb – is sentimental. It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless. Really Gets the dynamic of Cas doesn’t think Dean wants him to stay/Dean thinks Cas will leave the first chance he gets. Also a nice example of Cas thinking he’s not wanted if he’s not useful/powerful and being told otherwise. Another all-time fave!

lonely hearts by outphastthemoat, 4.5k, gen He thinks he might give up having his own anything just to be able to step foot inside the room next door and sit on the edge of Dean’s bed instead. This one is for the CAS GIRLS who know what LONELINESS feels like.

Helionneiros by aeli_kindara, 24.2k, mature In which Dean visits his mother, and Claire takes Cas on a hunt. I’m always on the lookout for more fic with Claire and Jack. Jack doesn’t show up until the end here but the relationship between Cas and Claire is really nice.

Crawl by aeriallon, 11k, explicit It’s been almost four years since Castiel left Kansas; he'd eventually settled in an island town where he has a job, a house, and a life without the Winchesters. Every winter, Dean drives down to the coast to see him. Another fic where Cas is human but in this one he took some time for himself and got some distance from the Winchesters! He gets to be competent and weird as a human and we love that for him. I must warn you all that this fic contains one use of the phrase “making love” which would normally put me right off but it’s still worth reading. The first of a three-part series.

home where you hold me by microcomets, 1.6k, gen Cas and Dean, in the moments between their battles, ache for quiet spaces. Technically this is a coda to 10x20 but you don’t need the episode for context. Short and very sweet.

Build a Home by domesticadventures, 20.1k, teen After they save the world, Dean expects Cas to come back to the bunker with them. He doesn’t. This one is so cute it’s like what if once they were done saving the world Sam and Dean actually invited other hunters to move into the bunker with them. Obviously Dean wants that to include Cas but doesn’t know how to use his words.

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo, 22.4k, explicit This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore. Angst fic! They go on a road trip and Dean is severely fucked up post-Mark of Cain.

Unknown Quantities by xylodemon, 8.6k, explicit No one ever tells Dean anything. Another nice getting-together fic.

Creature of Habit by trinityofone, 5.2k, teen The more you love someone, the more you want to kill them. Or: How Cas developed some bad habits, and Dean coped surprisingly well. This one is ancient by destiel standards (written during season 5) but it manages to nail the married couple vibes they give off in later seasons. Cas is a bitch and Dean likes him so much. <3

The (Mostly Accidental) Courtship of Dean Winchester by Tuesday, 11.2k, mature Angelic marriage rites were never intended to go quite like this. Another old one that is a lot of fun! They get Accidental Angel Married and if you don’t enjoy dumb fanfiction tropes like that I don’t know what to say to you.

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit by pyrebi, 4k, teen In which angelic marriage bonds are apparently stupidly easy to trigger, Cas wages multidimensional war in Heaven, Dean can't catch a break like ever, Sam rather enjoys being a dick, love saves the day, and nobody consummates anything. The OTHER accidental angel marriage fic written in 2010.

Crazy Diamonds by pantheon_of_discord, 24.8k, explicit A week ago, Dean was pulled out of Hell. Now, he’s apparently woken up in 2018, and the angel that a mere twenty-four hours beforehand had threatened to chuck him back into the pit is sleepily pouring himself coffee and wearing Dean’s second-favourite Zeppelin shirt. It all seems like a perfect happy ending, but with Hell’s scars still so fresh, Dean can’t imagine how he could have possibly gotten there. At the same time, the Dean who went to sleep in the bunker, right next to Cas, wakes up on Bobby’s couch in 2008. He’s instantly bombarded with questions by a Lilith-obsessed brother and a man who’s been dead for years, and must decide between keeping his finally-perfect life intact, and the lives he could save by re-writing history. Regardless of these choices, both Deans are trapped in the wrong decade, and their only way back lies with a Castiel still very much under Heaven’s thumb – one who might find the future Dean describes difficult to believe. Time travel is FUN. There’s an excellent part where (minor spoilers) future!Dean is like, “Guess what, asshole? You like me so much you marry me!!!!!!!!!!!” to 2008!Castiel that made me laugh out loud the first time I read it. Also just a good reminder of how most problems in life are temporary and if you could go back in time to talk to your younger self you’d be like, “Hey man. Chill out. You get through it.”

The Path of Fireflies by museaway, 63.7k, mature After his humanity is restored, Dean wakes up in bed with Castiel, a wedding ring, and no memory of the past twelve years. There’s a lot of amnesia fic and djinn fic out there were Dean wakes up ~suddenly together with Cas~ but I like this one in particular because he’s initially very confused and kind of a dick about it until he acknowledges that being with Cas makes him happy.

take the long way home by dothraki_shieldmaiden, 95k, explicit Three months ago, when Dean decided to retire, he thought his life was going to end up differently. He'd thought that he might get to have it all, Sam, Cas, Jack, and nice little place to live. Instead he gets Sam and Jack off on their Summer of Love Tour, radio silence from Cas, and a never-ending road trip consisting of himself. Still reeling from the loss of his grace, Castiel travels the country in search of hunts. Driven by a need to prove his usefulness, he pushes himself beyond all limits of endurance. Together, with the help of a few friends, a crumbling Victorian house, and a stray cat, Dean and Castiel patch themselves back together and create a home together. Do you wanna read almost one hundred thousand words of Dean and Cas having extremely intense feelings but refusing to voice them aloud? Haha of course you do that’s why you’re here. There’s also a lot about Cas adjusting to being human and being depressed about it which might resonate if you’ve ever felt weird about having a body. To be honest the author could stand to use a few more commas but there were also half a dozen moments that made me put my phone down and drag my hand slowly over my face and whisper “oh my god” to myself which is like, the ultimate measure of a good fanfiction so it gets to be on the list.

like moses and batman and james dean by saltyfeathers, 31.6k, explicit dean used to turn tricks. over a decade later, he met cas. Have you seen the fanon (apparently pioneered by Mr. Jackles “Original Deankin” Ackles himself) that Dean used to prostitute himself to feed himself and Sam when they were younger? Are you interested in exploring that concept in fanfiction? Well, this is the only fic you need. Mind the tags on this one! It’s not what I’d call happy but it’s good.

Some Assembly Required by narrow_staircases, 47k, mature It’s September of 2005, and Dean Winchester, in an attempt to outrun old mistakes and painful memories, finds himself in southern Kentucky on a wild goose chase. He’s completely certain this weird religious movement he’s “investigating” is a hoax, despite the miraculous healings people report, and he’ll be back on the road in a day or two. Things are looking up when he meets Cas, an awkward (and gorgeous) graduate student who’s actually doing honest-to-god research into the local tent revival meetings. When that research takes a weird and personal turn, Dean’s left to face two very serious realities: one, this may be a real case after all, and two, he’s fallen way harder for Cas than he should ever have let himself. Stanford-era AU of Dean trying to avoid his father and getting in over his head on a case.

Alternate universe:

And This, Your Living Kiss by opal_bullets, 57k, mature Only a very few people in the world know that the celebrated and reclusive poet Jack Allen is just Kansas mechanic Dean Winchester, a high school dropout with a few bucks to his name. Not that it matters anymore; life has left him so wrung out he never wants to pick up another pen. Until, that is, a string of coincidences leads Dean to auditing a poetry course with one Dr. Castiel Novak. The professor is wildly intelligent, devastatingly handsome...and just so happens to be academia's foremost expert on the poetry of Jack Allen. Mundane AUs in this fandom have to be really, really good to catch my attention and this one is! It’s exactly what it says in the summary and the characterization is spot-on.

Out to Drift by deathbanjo, 20.9k, mature Dean drives a black car with a loud engine. He lies too easily. He keeps a gun in the back of his jeans, and Castiel isn’t sure, but he wouldn’t be surprised if Dean has killed someone before. Two people in fucked-up unstable situations meeting and forming a connection. Honestly guys I really just love deathbanjo.

#fic #deancas #destiel

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isolavirtuosa · 4 years

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Starting Over (For Real?) 33-34

[fanfiction] NaruSasu

Read the previous parts here.

- 33 -

“Fucking hell, Uchiha!” Sai yelled, genuinely angry as he followed me into the burning building.

I didn’t really like to do things by the book. It had been yet another month with no progress into finding the mizukage, so the moment I had a solid lead on where the dissenting ninjas were being held captive, I set the place on fire.

Literally.

“Where are we even going?” Sai asked, his voice going quieter. There could be hostiles listening.

“Right there, I think,” I said, pointing to the giant tree sprouting up in the middle of the hallway.

“Oh, right,” he said. He pulled out a scroll and started painting.

Apparently not everyone had fled the fire, and two musket-wielding guards suddenly appeared, pointing their weapons at us.

“I’ve got you,” I said, throwing up flames around us.

Sai just continued painting. He already knew I had his back.

The guards fired uselessly at us.

“Let’s go,” Sai said, jumping on the broad back of a long-necked bird that looked like something straight out of science-fiction.

I got on its back and we flew towards the first pod, slicing it down from the tree. It landed on a ground with a thump.

“Try not to send them into the wall of flames,” Sai said cheerfully, balancing himself in a standing position and slicing down the next pod.

We worked quickly, cutting down more than ten of the pods, when something stopped me. “That pod-” I started to say, even as the sound of an explosion ripped through my ears and pain ripped through my right shoulder. It was a different color from all the other pods. It was all I could think about as I fell to the ground.

“Sasuke!” Sai shouted, already disposing of the would-be assassin with a flick of his kunai.

I could see him flying towards me, but the edges of my vision were starting to black out. I tried to focus on him, but it was like looking at something small at the end of a dark tunnel, barely visible. My head was pounding. Had I landed on it? And my shoulder. I hadn’t felt pain like this since…

Naruto, flying towards me, crackling with power. His hand reached out, and mine to meet his. Everything exploded in light.

The pain in my arm had been unbearable. It was like I was being pulled apart. Everything was white, then black, then white again, and when I woke up my arm was gone. It was the price I had to pay, but Naruto’s arm was gone, too, and I just couldn’t understand why he would make that sacrifice.

“Because we’re friends,” he repeated, and this time it wasn’t good enough.

I needed more.

“When you hurt, I hurt,” he said, and I was faced with the inescapable realization that we were bonded together, brothers, a family, more than family, yet it was swallowed up by my weakness, my jealousy, my inability to love and be loved.

“It’s my loss,” I said, and I felt free.

Of course Naruto couldn’t leave it at that.

“Shut up, usuratonkachi,” I groaned, keeping my face turned away from him as a tear slipped down my cheek.

He was quiet then.

I thought we’d said all there was to say. I could feel the last of my chakra fading away. My rinnegan was starting to power down, and I could feel the rustle of something against my legs.

I was at peace as I drifted off into what I thought was death.

I woke up again on Naruto’s back.

He struggled to take each step, stumbling and almost dropping me.

“What are you doing, idiot?” I breathed out incredulously.

“If we just stay out there bakin’ in the sun, we’re gonna die,” he explained reasonably.

“How the hell are you even standing?” I asked.

“Kurama’s healing factor kicked in.”

“Then go ahead yourself and get help,” I said, trying to climb off of his back.

He held onto me stubbornly with his only arm awkwardly wrapped around my back. “We go together,” he said. “Besides, there’s no one to help. Everyone’s been sucked up into the God Tree.”

“Sakura and Kakashi?” I suggested.

“I can’t feel them,” he said, shaking his head.

“Then why don’t we just release the seal?” I asked.

“Can’t until you’re powered up,” he said.

He wasn’t wrong. My rinnegan was dead.

“What’s to stop the tree from pulling us in, then?” I asked, trying to take in our surroundings more carefully now that I was more awake and aware of the dangers lurking around us.

“Me,” Naruto said, stumbling forward.

He wasn’t kidding. Any hint of the God Tree attacking and Naruto had me settled on the ground, chakra firing from his only hand in a matter of seconds.

I felt like deadweight. “Leave me behind.”

“You’re the only one who can stop this whole thing!”

“If I die, the seal will be released anyway.”

“How do you know that?”

“I just do.”

“And what if it doesn’t work?!”

“You can Edo Tensei me back to life.”

“And who am I going to sacrifice to bring you back?! Just stay alive in the first place!”

I pressed my face into his neck.

Naruto let out a sharp breath.

Neither of us said anything.

Naruto took another stumbling step forward.

Eventually, he got us to the water. We both drank and drank, completely dehydrated.

I sat with my feet in the water, staring up at the destruction we’d wrought on the Valley of the End.

“How do you feel?” Naruto asked, coming to sit next to me.

“Still drained,” I said, tapping under my eye.

“If you could activate your rinnegan, you could take some of my chakra,” he said.

“I’m not taking your chakra.”

“You didn’t have a problem with it yesterday.”

“Yesterday we were fighting to the death.”

“Well now we’re fighting to the life.”

“That’s not a thing, idiot.”

“You’re the idiot who just wants to give up and die.”

“Hn.”

Naruto bumped me with his elbow.

I turned to give him a look.

He reached out suddenly, touching my cheek.

My look turned incredulous, even as my heart was racing. Probably from all the blood loss.

“I can’t lose you again,” was all he said before standing up and stretching. He then proceeded to stumble and fall in the water.

I don’t remember the last time I’d laughed so hard.

Naruto came out of the water sputtering, but then he went quiet.

I wiped at the tears that had squeezed out of my eyes from the intensity of my laughter. “You are so dumb,” I said, unable to stop smiling.

He was in that freezing water in the middle of fall, gazing up at me like I was something precious.

“Maybe if we find some food my body will heal enough to start making chakra again,” I said, purposely not looking at him.

“Maybe,” he agreed, then splashed me with water.

I tried to blow him away with a katon without even thinking about it. It didn’t work, of course, but I felt like I was flicking a lighter, and even though I couldn’t get the flame to catch, it was still sparking, almost there but not quite.

Naruto struggled to swim back to me with one arm, pulling himself out of the water and flopping on his back. A trail of red followed him through the water.

“You’re not okay,” I informed him.

“I’m fine,” he said. “Just have to release the jutsu. Then we can go to the hospital and relax.”

I believed in Naruto’s ability to defy the odds, but I was pretty sure that we were going to die.

I should have realized that when Naruto improbably found us food and I was miraculously able to activate my rinnegan so that we could release the Tsukuyomi, all within a matter of a few short hours, that this really couldn’t possibly be real.

I remained blissfully ignorant for the next two years.

Of course, it was easy to be ignorant when I had everything I had never wanted to acknowledge that I needed.

Sakura, my sister, kept her distance as she was grappling with everything that I’d done to her. When she finally said, “I forgive you,” it was more of a relief than I could have imagined.

Kakashi, the father figure, protected me from the Council and got me safe passage out of Konoha.

And then there was Naruto. Naruto… kept touching me.

Even when we were still in the hospital, he was always sitting on my bed with his knee pressed to mine. He was always leaning in too close to talk. He was always brushing his fingers against the back of my hand.

As my trial approached, he seemed to get even more desperate, to the point that he was straight-up holding my hand.

“Naruto?”

“Mm?” he hummed, eyes closed as he lounged beside me.

“This is really gay,” I said, staring at the way his fingers curled around mine.

“So?” he asked defensively, eyes flicking open.

“So it’s gay,” I said.

“Do you have a problem with that?” he asked, holding my hand more forcefully.

“I’m gay, so no,” I said, the words just slipping off my tongue like it wasn’t my deepest, darkest secret.

“Well, I’m gay, too, so okay then,” he said, and I could feel the heat coming off of his palm.

My heart was hammering in my chest. “You’re not gay,” I snipped.

“Um, I like you, and you’re a guy, right?”

The hammering seemed to increase. “You’re not gay,” I repeated. “Maybe you’re bi.”

“Why does it matter?” he asked, sounding annoyed. His hand was full-on sweating now. “I like you and only you, and that’s gay enough, isn’t it?”

It was the perfect amount of gay. “You don’t like me like that,” I muttered, because of course I was never going to accept this logical fallacy. Despite the fact that he was always making it blatantly obvious that he did like me like that.

“Sasuke.”

He was trying to get me to look at him, and he wasn’t going to win that game. I continued to stare out the window, wondering what shade of red my face was.

We were still holding hands.

“Sasuke,” he repeated, the nerves apparent in his voice. “Sasuke, please say something so I don’t feel like a total ass.”

“I’m not a miracle worker.”

“Sasuke!”

I squeezed his hand. “…it’s gay enough.”

“Really…?” he asked hopefully.

“I like you,” I said quietly, shamed by the admission.

“I feel the same way,” he said like it was the most natural thing in the world, and then he leaned in and kissed me, and that was the beginning of the end.

Naruto left the village with me on that hot August afternoon, on a goodwill mission from the sixth hokage. The accused criminal who traveled at his side seemed to undercut the mission, but I was too stupidly in love to notice.

I was in love.

With Naruto of all people.

I mean, deep down, I’d always known.

Still.

It was Naruto.

“Look, Sasuke, I made a fort out of ramen!”

Naruto.

I loved him.

I loved every minute of every day with this stupid idiot.

Then we met Kabuto.

Then we met Kabuto and…

“He’s waking up,” Sai murmured.

“I need to sedate him,” Sakura said. “Give me a minute.”

I blinked blearily at Sai. All I felt was firey pain burning in my shoulder.

“Hey, best friend,” he said. “Don’t worry, you’ll be unconscious soon.”

I swallowed.

“Count back from twenty, Sasuke,” Sakura said, prepping a needle.

I wasn’t going to do that.

She stuck the needle in my arm. “It helps.”

The pain made it hard to think.

Everything blurred together.

There were three of us after that. We traveled together, dismantling the oppressive power structure as went.

The three of us, always together.

I never felt so complete.

It didn’t make sense.

It was wrong.

I ignored the nagging voice in the back of my head and clung to my happiness. A feeling I hadn’t felt since I was a child. Since my parents.

The relationship between Naruto and I was so comfortable that I didn’t even notice all of my weird sexual hang-ups. He never seemed worried that I only did things to him. It was normal. He never pushed me to let him touch me. Why would he need to do that? Wasn’t he just the luckiest guy in the world that his boyfriend liked blowing him and didn’t ask for anything in return? Naruto, who always gave and gave and gave, deserved to just receive and receive and receive, and of course he would have no problem with that.

Everything was perfect, but there were cracks, and they kept getting harder to ignore.

“I love you,” Naruto told me like always as we stood in the middle of the battlefield, covered in blood and sweat. More of that blood was Naruto’s than should have been, and he was leaning on me heavily, barely able to stand.

The words came tumbling out. “I love you,” I whispered back. Just saying the words out loud left me exposed.

He kissed my cheek, then collapsed into me completely.

Our partner came up behind the two of us.

“Naruto, he’s…” I started to say, open and raw and ready to fall apart.

“I’ve got it taken care of,” he said, taking Naruto from me.

Everything would be all right.

Just that thought, and I knew. The inconsistencies of this world were laid out in front of me when I let myself be at my most vulnerable.

I didn’t look at the sky for one year, because I knew what I would see.

One year to indulge in my impossible fantasy.

One more year with Naruto.

One more year with him.

And when the one year was over, I woke up.

“Hey, shhhh,” Sakura soothed me, pushing my sticky bangs from my forehead. “You’re okay.”

My whole body was shaking.

“I got the bullet out,” she said, her fingers moving into my hair. The gentle stroking motion relaxed me more than I cared to admit. “You lost a lot of blood, and there was some damage to your blood vessels, but I think between Karin and I, you’ll be nursed back to health in no time.”

I looked at her. “…thanks,” I finally said.

“You’re welcome, butthead,” she said affectionately. She ruffled my hair, then removed her hand. “Are you hungry?”

I shook my head.

“Okay, I’ll let you rest.”

“What about all the ninjas?” I asked. “In the tree?”

“Well, your crazy fire kept them safe until Karin and Sai could pull them out.”

“The mizukage…?”

“Wasn’t there.”

I sighed and closed my eyes.

“Get some rest, okay?” Sakura said. “Your body needs to recover.”

“Yeah,” I said, wanting her to just go and yet also desperately wanting her to stay.

I didn’t want to think about what I’d just relived.

I didn’t want to remember his soft smile the last time I saw him.

“I’ll meet up with you two in a couple of days,” he’d said, waving to Naruto and I as he disappeared into the sunset.

I ached.

- 34 -

“Fuck humans and their fucking weapons,” I grumbled as Sai fed me soup.

“You’re a human,” he pointed out kindly.

“I am a proper human,” I said. “I use my own human-born abilities to fight and harm others, not some cheap parlor trick.”

“That sounds pretty specist,” Sai hummed.

“Good,” I said, opening my mouth and letting him feed me. Every time I tried to raise my right arm, unbearable pain shot through my shoulder. It basically left me a helpless infant (again).

“It’s not good to think that one group of people is superior to another group of people just because of the circumstances of their birth,” Sai reasoned, scooping the spoon back through the soup.

“Why not?” I asked. “We obviously are superior, and yet we’ve been subjugated by this feudal system for years, using our superior abilities to serve the whims of inferior beings.”

Sai pushed the spoon into my open mouth.

I frowned at him and swallowed. “And now they’ve just taken it too far. Replicating God Trees to capture all the strongest ninjas and keep the weaker ones under their thumb. Developing stupid fucking weapons that serve no practical purpose.”

“Well, the weapons seem pretty effective to me,” Sai commented. “I mean, they took you out, so…”

“Do I look out to you?” I growled.

“A little bit, yeah,” he said, shoving the spoon in my mouth again.

I sulked.

“It’s great to see you passionate about something,” Sai said. “It’s just, sometimes your passion gets a little… genocidal.”

I glowered at him.

“Like right now, I’ve dared to disagree with you about something and your obvious go-to is that you want to kill me,” he said.

“I don’t want to kill you.”

“Just maim a little?”

“Just maim a little,” I agreed, then sighed. He was right. ‘Kill first, ask questions later’ had been the strategy of my late teen years, and it had nearly been my ruin.

“Here, this is the last of it,” he said, holding the spoon out to me.

I opened my mouth and finished the soup.

Sai patted me on the head like a child and took the dishes out of the tent.

I stared at the door flap, waiting for him to come back. I… wanted his company…?

“I have returned, Best Friend Sasuke!” he declared cheerfully, throwing the flap aside as he entered.

“Great,” I mumbled.

“See, you’re not even being sarcastic,” he said, sitting on the sleeping bag next to mine.

“Yes, I am,” I protested.

“I finished my new comic,” he said, pushing his notebook into my lap.

I took it, letting my eyes drift over the pages.

Sai, in his never-ending pursuit of a personality, had decided to draw a comic based loosely on his life. It currently chronicled the adventures of “Kai” and “Kasuke” as they traveled through the “Land of Moisture”, looking for the “lakekage” with their two good pals “Sarin” and “Kakura”. I made it sound derivative, but it was actually clever and well-drawn. Sai had a good eye for chronicling what was happening around him, even if he had diarrhea of the mouth every time he tried to have an actual conversation with someone.

This issue wasn’t as funny as usual. Kasuke got shot by a stupid musket and Kai was having a lot of sad inner monologues worrying about his best friend.

I looked at him.

He smiled.

“Don’t do that,” I said.

He let his face fall.

“I’m okay,” I said.

“Yes,” he agreed. “Now you are. But getting you to Sakura…”

“Thanks for saving my life,” I said.

He smiled a little at that, a more genuine expression. “Every time.”

“Every time?” I repeated.

“Every time you’re in trouble, you know I will have your back,” he said, nodding solemnly.

“Yeah, I know,” I agreed.

“Can we share a bro hug now?” he asked.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t even move my shoulder?”

“I’ll gently do all the hugging!”

“No.”

“You really don’t like to be touched.”

“Rarely.”

“How do you and Naruto fornicate?”

“We don’t,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Um, Uchiha, I traveled with you two for months,” Sai said.

“So?”

“I shared rooms with you, I shared walls with you…”

“And…?”

“I walked in on you…”

I took in his genuine confusion. I thought about trying to be honest. Sai was always talking his confused sexuality out with me, so why couldn’t I do the same?

Because I was fucking Uchiha, that’s why.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, bringing the discussion to a close.

“Is it that only Naruto can touch you?” he asked. “Because he’s your lover?”

I glared at him.

“You just seem anomalous, and since I use you as my guidepost of proper human behavior, I want to know if I’m learning something strange from you,” he said.

I breathed out long and loud. “Yes, Sai, I’m weird.”

“How so?” he asked, genuinely wanting to know.

“I don’t like people in my personal space.”

“You let Sakura stroke your hair when you first woke up.”

“Do you keep a notebook of everything I do?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

“Of course,” he said, pulling out another notebook and putting it on top of his sketchbook. “How else can I learn from you?”

“Stalking is creepy,” I informed him.

“And yet everyone you love stalks you, and you allow it,” he pointed out.

“Anyway, I was weak and barely conscious when that happened with Sakura.”

“I think you crave touch but are afraid of it due to past trauma,” Sai decided.

“What kind of nonsense psychobabble is that?”

“Just throwing out some ideas. It seems the same with your lover, Naruto, as well. Sometimes you want him near you, and other times you seem repulsed by his closeness.”

“Can you just drop it already?”

“But I want to understand…”

“Well, I don’t understand, so how are you supposed to understand?!” I snapped.

He looked at me curiously. “But you always know everything.”

I looked away from his gaze. “You know that’s not true.”

“Well you act like it,” he said. “I admire that bravado. If you believe in something, then it becomes truth.”

“That sounds unhealthy.”

“Oh… it does, doesn’t it?” he hummed, pondering it over. “I never thought you were healthy, though. Just cool and confident. I mean, no one around us is sane, so it seems to me like being insane is what is normal.”

“Now you’re calling me insane…?”

“I do know about Revolution.”

I sighed. Why did I have to be held accountable for all the ridiculous things I’d said and done in the past?

Sai studied my face. “You actually regret it?”

I looked away from his knowing eyes.

“You usually stand by your convictions,” he commented. “You’re always telling Naruto you were right to leave the village.”

“I was right to leave the village.”

“But you don’t think your plan to kill all the kages and rebuild the ninja world from their ashes was right?”

“Who’s to say?” I said with a shrug.

His look got sharper. “There’s something else you regret.”

“You have plenty of regrets,” I deflected.

“Yes,” he agreed.

“Would you like to describe them to me in explicit detail?” I asked.

“I can try.”

“Really? You don’t mind cutting yourself open and bleeding for me?”

“Well, if it will make your convalescence go more quickly,” he said.

“Okay, well, cut away,” I said, trying to gesture imperiously with my hand and immediately letting it fall back to the ground as pain shot through my shoulder.

“Don’t hurt yourself,” he said. “Oh, wait, you already did.”

My eyes narrowed.

“I guess lately I’ve been thinking about how many people I killed for what I thought was a just mission, but were really just the megalomaniacal dreams of a madman.”

Sai always knew how to jump right into things. “You did what you did,” I said with a shrug.

“I took people’s lives,” he said, shaking his head. “Now I wonder what it all meant? Who did I kill and why? I never thought to ask the questions, I just thought that if I accomplished the objective then the mission would be a success. Now I can’t help but wonder… were they really criminals? Were they really Konoha’s enemies, or were they Danzo’s enemies? I… I’m starting to have feelings, and they’re not good ones.”

“That’s why it’s better to be dead inside,” I said.

“That’s true, because even if you can’t feel the good, you can’t feel all this bad,” Sai agreed. “But then what’s the point of existing?”

“Also a very valid question,” I said.

Sai frowned. “Best Friend Sasuke, that sounded vaguely self-harmy.”

“I’ve never self-harmed, Sai,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Sometimes I worry that you might.”

“Um, why?”

“Because we’re so similar,” he said, black eyes staring into mine.

“Sai…” I trailed off, not liking what I was seeing.

He forced a smile.

“Stop that.”

It drooped.

“I’m… here,” I offered quietly. “Always. I’m always here for you.”

“I’m here for you, too,” he said, holding his hand out to me.

I took it, giving him a very limp and limited-movement shake. “What matters now is moving forward, not looking back,” I decided.

Sai was still holding awkwardly onto my hand. “Maybe, but sometimes we can’t move forward without facing what we left behind.”

I pulled my hand away from his sweaty, awkwardness. “Does saying it out loud make it any better?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Nothing makes it better. But maybe it gets a little farther away.”

We were both quiet for a long time.

“I think-” Sai started to say at the same time that I said, “Itachi-”

Sai stopped talking, his mouth slightly open.

I slammed mine closed.

“Oh, Sasuke,” he said softly.

“It’s nothing,” I muttered, looking away. “He was just in my dream world. It’s stupid. It’s nothing.”

“Oh, Sasuke,” he repeated.

“What?!” I snapped. “Do you think I’m so stupid for being trapped in an illusion for years where my obviously dead brother was brought miraculously back to life by a forbidden jutsu and decided to travel with me and my pathetic crush while we went around the world trying to dismantle the ninja hierarchy?”

“Not stupid, just willfully ignorant,” he said.

My head bowed and I closed my eyes. It felt too heavy to hold it up.

“At least your world actually had dreams and possibilities,” Sai said. “Why did the rest of us all imagine such hopeless futures for ourselves?”

I swallowed. Then I swallowed again. I could feel it all boiling over, about the spill out.

Sai was suddenly clambering over my lap, pulling my head into his chest.

“Don’t hug me,” I ground out, trying to even out my breathing.

“I want to respect your wishes, but you need this,” he said.

“What do you know about what I need?” I growled, my voice cracking on the last word. I swallowed again.

He just squeezed me tightly.

I made a very frustrated noise that immediately turned into a cry. I stopped it, pressing my face into his shirt. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not,” Sai said, starting to sway us side-to-side. “None of us are okay. And that’s okay. But we have to express our emotions.”

I laugh-cried into his chest. “Yes, you and I should express our emotions.”

“We should,” he said, resting his chin on top of my head as he continued to sway us. “This feels really good.”

“Are you going to get confused about our relationship again?” I mumbled, sniffling a little but still not quite giving in to crying.

“No, this is definitely a Best Friends Hug,” he said, holding me close but in no way making inappropriate sexual innuendos.

I almost wished he would so I could yell at him instead of clinging to him, my arm curling weakly around his back and holding onto the hem of his shirt.

Sai stayed quiet as he rocked my shaking frame.

“He murdered my entire family and made me relive it over and over,” I whispered.

Sai bent his face in closer to mine so he could hear.

“I spent my whole life hating him,” I continued. “I was going to kill him, no matter what. And then he died and… I was wrong. I was wrong about my entire life. But I couldn’t admit it, so I took that hatred of my brother and I put it on Danzo, and then he was dead, and I just took my hatred and put it on the entire ninja world, and it just never ends.”

“It doesn’t,” he agreed softly.

“If I could take back all that hatred… if I could have… I just wish I still had my brother. But that’s fucking crazy. What he did… But Naruto and I just traveled with him like it was nothing. We just traveled together as a family and I’d never been happier in my entire life. It felt like everything had fallen into place, and yet it was so improbable, and I didn’t want to see it but I had to see it, because there was no way that life could ever be like that. Because life is pain and suffering, and we never get what we want.”

Sai tilted my chin up.

I blinked rapidly, trying to keep my eyes dry.

“I’ve never been happy,” he said. “But for a while, as part of Team Seven… I started to think that I could be. And now. As part of Team Sasuke.”

I rolled my eyes at the name and caught myself sniffing again.

“We’re going to make a world where people can be happy.”

“And how are we going to do that?”

“I don’t know,” Sai said with a shrug. “But let’s give the world back its hopes and dreams.”

“You sound like Naruto,” I muttered.

“Wow, thank you,” he said, giving me a last, tight squeeze that felt so good before pulling away and sitting beside me again.

I decided not to think too deeply about all the stupid things I’d just said and let the comfortable silence wash over both of us.

#narusasu #isola starting over #shit's really going down now #i know it's sacrilege to the narusasu bond but sasusai are best friends forever and their bond is sacred

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virmillion · 4 years

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I know you said you were taking a break from sanders sides, but are you gonna start writing for it again soon? I miss your writing you should come back

gonna be real with u anon, i’ve put off answering this for a while (as you well know, since you’re the one who sent this) until i knew i could give you a response without sounding rude or mean or whatever. that said, i’m going to address the things you’ve said in a particular order, with particular words, and such will be chosen because i want to be clear, not because i want to be rude. if i sound rude, i apologize, but i don’t want to have to write this post again.

1 - “i know you said you were taking a break”

(1a) i didn’t say i was taking a break. i said i was done. i said that for the foreseeable future, i would not be writing for the fandom, and the moment in which i’m answering is still within that time frame

(1b sub i) for every day where i think ‘hey, maybe i should write for the fandom again, just a quick 10k oneshot!,’ there are five more days where i think ‘i’m so glad i’ve taken that stressor out of my life and allowed myself to write for fun without the pressure of posting it and obsessing over the notes it does or (more often) doesn’t get.’ for a considerable portion of my fics, i put something of myself into them - some of my personal struggles, my personal hangups, my personal experiences and opportunities and passions. that’s great for authenticity, but it’s so draining. it’s so hard to try to crank out another fic that i didn’t spend as long on as i wish i had, simply because i’m desperate to keep up with a fandom that, frankly, doesn’t care whether or not it gets posted

(1b sub ii) this isn’t a dig against the fandom. i’m not saying it’s a careless fandom of mean people who literally do not care whatsoever if i post At All, i’m saying that (at the time of my most active participation in it) there were no actual deadlines or people demanding fics to be posted. it was only my own mind telling me i needed to write more, and that was an incredibly poor mindset given everything else i was processing at the time

(1b sub iii) i used fanfiction as a major way to process those things, and i think i’ve done well to get where i am now, but i know that if i go back (or come back, rather) to the fandom, i will reopen old wounds that have long since healed over in my efforts to create another authentic story

(1c) “i know you said.” now, i’m sure you didn’t intend this to sound harsh, but here’s how i read that the first time i saw this: ‘i acknowledge that you’ve said something, but we all know that [wasn’t true/wasn’t serious/has an expiration date].’ i have no doubt in my mind you didn’t intend it to sound as such, but that’s how it came across, which makes the tone of your ask much harder to parse - this is also why i’ve waited so long, is so i react to the content of your question, rather than the tone

2 - “are you gonna start writing for it again soon?”

(2) i don’t know. honestly, well and truly, i don’t know. i might. i might not. if i think of a story that would work really really well with these particular characters, or i get suddenly inspired, or someone comes to me personally, off anon, and suggests something that i’m sincerely interested in pursuing, then maybe. maybe. this should not be taken as the potential for an expiration date on my stance regarding my participation in the fandom. this should be taken as ‘okay, you aren’t sure, so i am going to leave you alone about it rather than digging up old things you’ve long since stopped discussing’

3 - “you should come back”

(3a) this might be confusing, but technically speaking, i never really left. yeah, sure, i stopped reblogging content to a considerable degree, and obviously i stopped posting it, but i haven’t really left in a way that means i could come back. i didn’t unfollow anyone in the fandom, and i certainly didn’t shut myself off from it completely - i could name so many people who post exclusively sides content that i still actively follow (or even have notifications on for, and like almost all of their posts). i’m not gone, i’m just not completely here

(3b) ‘should’ sounds like it’s something i’m expected to do. as discussed above, i waited to respond so the tone wouldn’t be a point of contention, but your word choice here makes it sound like i’m just wasting time before i inevitably ‘come back’ to the fandom. i can personally assure you, this fandom is just fine without me as an active participant, and there are so many people that are still in the fandom, still posting content, still hanging around and producing new things every day to be enjoyed!

4 - “i miss your writing”

(4) i want to end on a high note, which is why this is last. i appreciate you saying this, really i do, i love hearing compliments, it’s one of my favorite ways to spend free time is spreading the love. however. you are always more than welcome to reread anything i’ve posted. i made a masterpost on here, all of my fics are available on ao3, there are literally 300K+ words waiting to be read or reread. i did the math. it’s 305,592 words that i’ve posted over years and not taken down. i know you mean you want new writing, but all i can offer right now is the mountains of work i’ve already produced and put up. thank you for saying this, but if you honestly miss it, it’s right there for you to go back to. i’m not taking it down or making anything private or revoking access, i promise

5 - whoops bonus conclusion

(5) there’s. a lot of things i want to say here. about certain fics (taxi cab comes to mind), about certain behaviors within the fandom that i’ve been lucky enough to avoid (such as that with which paper has been dealing and compiling evidence), about leaving well enough alone, about apologizing for going off at you when you just asked a question. i don’t know. i don’t know how to end this. i don’t know what to say without rehashing old stuff. at this point, i’m considering just putting a counter on my blog that counts down to when i’ll write for the fandom again, and every time someone asks, the counter resets to a month. sincerely, well and truly, i do not know what i am supposed to say now. please stop asking me this, because i do not have a better answer. thank you for your time, and sorry if you’re someone that wasted your time reading this whole thing. please just leave me alone until i decide to speak on it on my own time. please just stop

#labhranswers #ily anon #long post #/ long post #me: im done talking about this #me two months later: *1000 word dissertation on the topic*#honestly. if this came off rude im sorry. i am. i do not know what else to say. i really don't. please just drop this here #please let us be done with this #please #also @/paper sorry i mentioned u by name i'll edit ur name out if u want

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leta-the-strange · 5 years

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Spoiler-free COG feelings/essay/thoughts before I see the movie. Spoiler-free because the movie isn’t out here til the end of the week but obviously, I’ve picked up info from trailers and interviews and things like that so sort of common knowledge stuff but I guess if you’ve avoided all the promos for the year I wouldn’t want to ruin it for you now so don’t read until after you’ve seen it if that’s the case (again, I only know basic info).

I have a lot of feelings that I’ve been sitting on for a while because frankly, large parts of the Fantastic Beasts and Harry Potter fandom terrify me. It’s why in my nineteen years (okay, thirteen years – I had to learn how to read) I’ve distanced myself from engaging in the fandom too much and when I do, I try and stick to as safe, neutral content as possible.

But I’m going to write a little bit a lot (my anxiety’s poppin off the charts right now) not to antagonise anyone or personally offend people just to get this pent up crap off my chest before I see the movie.

I have Māori and Pākehā parentage. Although I am proud to be a Māori girl and I’m definitely not white-passing, I do acknowledge that out of my family, I was born with the lightest skin and being a lighter-skinned/mixed poc among my family and friends has made me recognise my privilege. That isn’t to say I haven’t experienced lifelong struggles with racism, bullying and discrimination but I will never experience the same micro-aggressions and experiences that they have. Although, I do have light-skinned privileges and I don’t ever want to take away the struggles of my family that I won’t experience on the same level, growing up looking a little different opened me up a lot of feelings of invalidation within my own culture. When I experienced racism as a child, I was also met with disdain for being upset about it when I wanted to talk about it. This was when I was a child and I didn’t understand lighter skinned privilege or the animosity from some of my own people. I am far more educated now, but during that confusing time I, like most children, turned to literature (which in turn is what helped me make sense of the world).

I’ve gotten a little off track – this isn’t overly important to what I’m writing about, but it is introducing my opinion as coming from a woman of colour who has experienced racism and horrible bullying, but I always feel the need to clarify my position as a lighter skinned poc before giving my opinion based on those experiences.

Obviously from my content, I love Leta Lestrange. Perhaps it started out as a matter of representation, but I feel like over the past year, I have become intrigued with her for a number of reasons. She’s striking me as a Sirius, Regulus and Andromeda Black type character. Different to her family and caught in a struggle of light and dark (magic, not skin colour). Loves magical creatures. I haven’t seen it yet but it seems like she is one of the centre point characters of the film. She seems to be connected to many of the main characters in one way or another and has always striked me as the most intriguing.

I really do hope I am wrong but the ‘other’ love interest’s in the Harry Potter universe are usually treated terribly. They experience character assassination to further the development of the canon/new interest.

I really hope this film doesn’t do the whole blow out a woc character to make the white, self-insert, classically beautiful, ‘im not like other girls’ character shine brighter.

Before everyone comes for me, I wouldn’t say I’m a Tina ‘anti’ whatever that is. There’s no like extreme hatred at all! I would say I don’t like Tina as a character, or Queenie for that matter. Not yet anyway. The new trailer gives me hope that this movie might win me over finally. It doesn’t need to be upsetting or offensive to anyone. There are lots of people out there with favourite and not-so-favourite characters. A lot of people dislike Ron, Dumbledore, Snape, even Harry…and there are people who have those characters as their favourite.

There are a lot of reasons I don’t like Tina and Queenie. I may address them in a different post if being vague upsets people more than going in-depth but at this point, I am trying to stay as unconfrontational as possible but I have seen people get extremely furious when they don’t deem your reason for disliking them to be ‘good enough’ so if not saying exactly what I find uncomfortable about them is not as preferable as telling people then I can write it up as respectfully as possible if I’m treated the same way. All I’ll say is that I think Tina is a good person, but, in my opinion, not a great character. Queenie is the opposite. I would not like Queenie as a person but I have to admit, she’s a good character. But I’ll hold the rest of my opinions until after the second film.

Honestly, the film adaptions leave some of my favourite book characters to be desired. Maybe if FB was a novel, I’d like Tina but I really dislike her in the movies. I have seen people blow up when this is said. I try to understand the outrage. I think one of the reasons I dislike Tina is one of the reasons why people love her. She is, at this point and in my opinion (which is ONLY an opinion), a self-insert character. Any Newt x Reader fanfiction can easily read as a Newtina fanfiction and vice versa. I know. Because I’m a FB fanfiction writer myself and tried to write her. Sometimes when you attach yourself to a character so much, it can feel personally offensive when someone says something as harmless such as they don’t like then. I don’t experience this as often. Every Reader/OC fanfiction is, perhaps unintentionally, but nearly always aimed at a white person in description. In actuality, nearly every character in literature is, intentionally or not, described with textbook white features or assumed white by the fandom/readers/watchers.

I know people are going to hate this opinion because I’ve seen people jump down other people’s throats when this gets brought up. I do believe, whether it is conscious or not, Leta not being white COULD, subconsciously, be a factor as to why she is so inherently hated. I’ve seen more hate for Leta than any other character – even the antagonist! I hate what they did to Lavender Brown, book and movie wise, but even she, being as over exaggeratedly unlikable as a romantic plot device, received and still receives far less fandom hate than Cho Chang (who was also eventually written to be ‘jealous, hysterical, unlikeable’, etc, etc – I don’t agree btw I love, understand and appreciate Cho and Lavender) who was smart, talented, kind, traumatised, and until it was no longer convenient to the main characters romance for her to be ‘likeable’ anymore.

I wish I could enjoy going through the Leta tag but often, her and Newt can’t even be in a scene or photo together and people lose their minds with anger and hate. Literally, the comments on any scene/photo they are in are all along the lines of ‘stay away from newt!/poor tina/urgh, don’t flirt leta/leta WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’. Sorry, to break it to you guys but it isn’t a love triangle. It’s a love conga line. The only person getting in the way of ‘Newtina’ is Newt. Instagram is even worse. By worse, I mean horrible beyond belief. The better comments are the ones are the ones merely (though still grossly) comparing her to Tina and how much they dislike her, the other ones are wishes that she’ll get killed or join Grindelwald. It’s literally not even hidden the fact they wish either of these things happen so Newtina can happen faster. I’m not a Newtina shipper at all (Yet. Again, this might change if the films improve) but this would be one of the worst ways to further your ship. That is literally not going to change the fact that Newt’s still in love with her (you can have feelings for two people at the same time. The filmmakers confirmed - in fact, one of the first things about the new movie that they confirmed - that Newt is ‘absolutely still in love with her’), it just makes her conveniently unattainable. I do have a feeling that Leta might die and if it happens, it better not be because she’s unwillingly in the way of a ‘love triangle’ that people have forced these three characters into. If Newtina is going to happen in a way that isn’t awful, rushed and horrible, it will be slow-burn and it’s in own time AFTER Newt has healed and properly fixed things with Leta. You can’t be best friends and in love with someone for 15+ years and fall out of love with them immediately after they die, turn bad and settle for a woman you met for like two days and collectively spent maybe ten hours with. It might be a Ron/Hermione situation where it’s slow and eventual. That’s the only way I could possibly get on board and I think it could be done tastefully if they don’t resort to lazy writing. I do have my fingers crossed I’ll start to like the Goldsteins before this happens and I can enjoy it as much as everyone else does.

To be honest, after seeing the trailers, I see only two endings for Leta (and I hate them BOTH):

She joins Grindelwald: If this is the plot twist, it’s the shittiest plot twist ever. Pretty much 90% of the fans since seeing the first film have assumed/liked to believe she’s pure evil. Probably the characters themselves all assume she’s evil from her last name. I was worried the whole ‘haha, I was on Grindelwald’s side all along!’ situation was going to happen. We know JK hates Slytherins. My ‘Leta joins Grindelwald’ theory would be that she has always been on the good side – or trying to be – and after YEARS of oppression and discrimination and being distrusted by maybe the central characters in this film no matter how hard she tries AND maybe finally realising that Newt isn’t going to ever forgive her she just snaps and goes all ‘f*ck you guys then’ (I wouldn’t blame her tbh). HOWEVER, I doubt this. In a trailer, you literally see Leta THROW a fucking spell STANDING BY HERSELF (what u doin bby?) at Grindelwald. Trust me, if this was Tina it would have been all everyone was talking about but of course the fandom was all ‘yeah, see, she’s in the same frame as Grindelwald SHE’S EVIL’. One of the trailers is literally titled Leta vs. Grindelwald. Everything in the trailers/promos points to Queenie joining Grindelwald but *shrugs, I guess*.

Leta dies: I get this may seem the preferable way to appease the Leta haters and the Leta lovers especially if she dies after redeeming herself or heroically or whatever but urgh, no. I know everyone’s like ‘DoNt MAKe ThIS AbOUT RaCe’ when the woc character inevitably is killed but I’m sorry. To have been able to sit in a theatre as a little girl and see Leta Lestrange in the wizarding world would have blown my tiny mind. Honestly, as an older teen seeing Zoe Kravitz in that little photo frame in Newt’s case in the first film was iconic enough for me. After growing up being made to believe I was ‘unattractive’ because of how I looked, seeing total dreamboats like Callum Turner and Eddie Redmayne’s characters being all heart-eyes over Leta is, like...wow! And I do have an uncomfortable truth for people who want Leta to die. That would possibly be the WORST thing to happen for the Newtina thing (would pretty much be the last nail in the coffin for me ever coming around to it). I’ve seen it happen in my family when someone you love dies. Your feelings for them essentially FREEZE. You can’t fall out of love with someone who is dead. That’s of course not to say that you don’t love again and just as much as the first time. But it takes time (LOTS of it) and there’s a little part of your heart that’s like…permanently sealed off. I don’t even like Newtina yet and I’m hoping for the sake of the Newtina fans that Leta doesn’t die because freakin’ yikes. Just let them heal and connect and be besties again goddammit, its POSSIBLE (and bet your ass I’ll write it my god damn self to prove it if they don’t).

I know these are highly unpopular opinions and I HOPE that I am wrong, and they do her character justice and don’t discard her via death or the dark side.

In summary, I suppose my biggest struggle with Leta’s character is definitely the overwhelming fandom hate which I still can’t quite comprehend. I really want to believe it isn’t a race thing. Though, I have seen horrible posts about Leta, mean comments on nearly every Leta promo, Zoe Kravitz literally being called a c*nt in the comments of a Leta post on tumblr, a lot of fanfictions having her be primarily evil, selfish, manipulative, in some a rapist even, ugly, cruel, etc. But honestly, she’s literally not interfering in Newt having a relationship with anyone at all??? She’s literally been villainised because her friend can’t get over her (getting Snily nostalgia). But buggered if I’ve been able to find next to anything of that calibre about Jacob’s fiancée (literally a Queenie doppelganger) who left him, like, the day he met Queenie. I get that it was a deleted scene for those non-hardcore fans, but Leta-hate was literally kicked off by a picture in a photo frame and a comment made by a, in my opinion, kind of not-nearly-as-infallible-as-people-think character that barely knows Newt breaking into his head non-consensually (after being repeatedly told not to) who had an agenda to hook him up with her sister. Sooo…*shrugs*.

Even I personally have tried to keep out of the fandom debates, but I wrote a Leta and Newt story (still ongoing) that I stopped for a while because the kind of disgusting comments I was receiving about people hating the pairing. Which, I get. You don’t like a pairing, that’s cool? Why are you going and seeking out a piece about them and then taking the time to leave a comment? Whenever I start to read a story about Leta being this horrific monster of a person and being torn apart and compared and occasionally borderline racist, I just…click out? I know it’s only a small patch of weeds in what is likely a garden of roses, but I have never come across such an insecure fandom for a literal canon ship. If the relationship was that pure and strong, you wouldn’t feel the need to kill or villainise the (non-existent) ‘threat’. I just hope the writers feel the same way. You can write healthy closures and strong women of colour characters without casting them aside for plot development/man pain/stereotypical Caucasian romance/plot device, etc... I’m going to go into the theatre at the end of the week slightly optimistic to be fair but I’m also fully expecting to be disappointed but honestly, Leta could avada kedavra every character and she’s still going to be my favourite, I don’t make the rules.

#fantastic beasts and where to find them #fantastic beasts #fantastic beasts the crimes of grindelwald #leta lestrange #not going to put this in any other character tags bc my anxiety is poppin #ive also been avoiding the leta tags because im trying to keep focused on not spoiling anything but its hard as hell #pls dont spoil it for me in the comments if you decide to comment

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thebookmen2 · 6 years

Text

AO3 BNHA fanfiction Master Post

(Not really in a certain order, I like them all) (most pictures were made for the fic while others I found on the internet that I thought best suited it) Alternate quirk Izuku::: Title: Yesterday upon the stair by PitViperOfDoom Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8337607/chapters/19098982 Summary: Midoriya Izuku has always been written off as weird. As if it's not bad enough to be the quirkless weakling, he has to be the weirdquirkless weakling on top of it. But truthfully, the "weird" part is the only part that's accurate. He's determined not to be a weakling, and in spite of what it says on paper, he's not actually quirkless. Even before meeting All-Might and taking on the power of One For All, Izuku isn't quirkless. Not that anyone would believe it if he told them. Notes: BEST BNHA FAN FICTION EVER CREATED! I see dead people Midoriya, Rei!!!!! One of the best fictions that capture all of the BNHA personalities with a stunning plot that is original enough to not be OC but not copying the manga/anime for it to be just a recount of BNHA, infinity/10

Title: UA unsolved by Kabukichou (ameliafromafairytale) Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13253055 Summary: "Hey there, ghosts," Midoriya says, "it's me, ya boy." The dorms are haunted. Shenanigans ensue. Notes: so many memes XD, good funny read after u read yesterday upon the stair

Title: Daymare by IntrospectiveInquisitor Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11277075/chapters/25222215 Summary: Izuku Midoriya has endured a decade of abuse, ridicule, and social ostracization due to his status as 'Quirkless'. Even his childhood friend, Katsuki Bakugou, has tossed him aside and made it a mission to drill his uselessness home. But despite his obstacles and the derision of his peers, Izuku will never give up on his dream of being a hero, and will never feel shame for being called Quirkless. Because it's easier than acknowledging that he has a Quirk at all. Notes: HOHOHOHO! If u like Kacchan pissing his pants this is for u, Starburst! Colourful Izuku, super anxiety, protection squad

Title: Dis(associate) by BeyondTheClouds777 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13853580/chapters/31865358 Summary: Izuku has a “dissociation” Quirk that lets his ghost leave his body, and it’s both convenient and inconvenient at the same time. Either way, though, he's going to do whatever it takes to become a hero. Notes: Ghost!Izuku AU, SUPER punny~! Cat bells

Title: know what i've made by the marks on my hands by Simkjrs Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11356197/chapters/25417506 Summary: Midoriya Izuku just wants to lead a quiet, peaceful life. This is foiled by the fact that a) he can see spirits, b) his good nature demands that he help anyone he sees in trouble, and c) he, by all rights, should not exist. Helping the heroes who have fallen victim to the new quirk-breaking drug is a terrible idea for many reasons, the first and most important being that he hates attention and avoids it like the plague. But he's the only one who can help, so he does. This is, Izuku decides as he breaks in, more trouble than it's worth. Notes: just leave the child alone, badass Izuku, super freaking good, good hearted Izuku wanting to not give a shit. Accidentally keeps giving a shit.

Title: but you gotta get up at least once more by Simkjrs Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7392847/chapters/16792135 Summary: Midoriya Izuku does not let his lack of a Quirk prevent him from being strong. Also known as that one AU where Izuku follows the ridiculous training regimen of Saitama from One Punch Man and becomes stronger than anyone ever imagined he could be. Notes: ONE PUUUUUUUUNCH! A great take on Izuku has no quirk AU, engaging read, Izuku and Kacchan relationship tho so toxic is beautiful, great art too! Happy Shinsou!!!!! Everyone: Mitoki no! Mitoki: Mitoki yes!

Title: I Summoned a Demon 101: an In-comprehensive guide to Corporeal Demon Do's and Don'ts by EAter Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11362569/chapters/25434867 Summary: Midoriya Izuku was born with a quirk: the ability to summon and bind demons from an alternate plane to do his bidding. With only a few days left until the UA entrance exam and still no offensive-type demons in his arsenal, Izuku makes a desperate attempt at summoning one corporeal, a feat he had never before attempted. He'd say it was a success but, he doesn't actually know if it'll be more a help or a hindrance. Especially since Bakugou Katsuki is, well, kind of a shit. Notes: not gonna lie, this is dirty. But I love this fic nevertheless because of Izukus quirk it's amazing, best OC's that don't seem like OC's I summoned a demon fan art: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11777418/chapters/26554554

Title: I exist, in you by Acchidocchi Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7426390/chapters/16867999 Summary: "Having a quirk like this, it's worse than not having one at all," the doctor says, handing some papers over to Inko, whose worried expression has not once wavered. "You'll have to keep a close eye on him to prevent him from hurting himself." Izuku tunes the doctor out. With a quirk like this, he is capable of helping people. And in that moment-- regardless of whatever Inko or the doctor says-- that's all that matters to him. (Or rather, a universe in which young Midoriya Izuku is born with the rare soul bond quirk; allowing him to heal others by transferring their pain to himself). Notes: the feels train is here, Shinsou and Izuku relationship makes me wanna die it's so beautiful, healing quirk Izuku is bootyful, based on Kiznaiver!

Title: Desperate Measures by GlowingArrowsinTheSky and SpiritusRex Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8061265/chapters/18470281 Summary: AU in which Izuku stays quirkless and finds his own way of becoming a hero ; ) Notes: general studies Izuku, the protect squad is strong in this one, vigilante!izuku, Mei makes his gear, ‘The Vigilante’, izuku/todoroki, protection squad hunts Izuku hahaha, Izuku accidentally changes the world lol

Title: Erased Potential by theslytherinpaladin Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11088315/chapters/24735288 Summary: Midoriya Izuku, determined to become a hero before ever meeting All Might, looks for another way. He might not have a quirk, but that can’t be all that being a hero is about. He has the intelligence, the drive, the determination. All he needs now is to know how to use it. Enter Aizawa Shouta. Notes: If Aizawa got to Izuku before All Might (cough well technically Izuku got to Aizawa cough), Daddy Aizawa, Robin Izuku lol, comic books are involved

Title: Death Warmed Over by Kazzarole Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12398358/chapters/28210815 Summary: When Izuku dies, it's with a lot less grace than he always imagined it'd be. But even when he gives up the ghost, there's still things that need to be said--and, luckily, he gets a second chance. (A fic written for PitViperOfDoom's "Yesterday Upon The Stair".) Notes: an unofficial "if Izuku from yesterday upon a stair died", plus Izuku/todoroki is good shit

In BNHA Universe AU's:: Title: Send Endeavor to the Shadow Realm series by PitViperOfDoom Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/584566 Summary: Todoroki Enji is the worst and Midoriya finds ways to let people know it Notes: JUST THIS WHOLE THING IS AMAZING!! Just some pure Izuku/Todoroki with a shit tone of roasting worst dad in existence 100/10 would recommend all of it

Title: The Laundry room by Dellsey Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11567502 Summary: Aizawa is visibly unhappy. “You didn’t know there was a laundry room in the basement? How did you manage before, then?” Everyone starts talking at the same time, and as Aizawa picks up what is said, he starts feeling a very diverse array of emotions, the most intense one being frustration, because, for God’s sake, these are supposed to be the students of the best high school in the country and they couldn’t figure out there were washing machines in the dorm building, but also exasperation when he hears ‘dry cleaner’ (too much money) and ‘mom’ (spoiled, spoiled children), and absolute dread when he hears someone say ‘you’re supposed to wash clothes that often?!’. He sighs. Sometimes, he forgets they’re just kids. Notes: just some good hearted class 1A dorm fluff

Title: Reverie by AuspiciousWhiskers Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7038916/chapters/16009183 Summary: Shinsou Hitoshi finds a cure for his insomnia in a very unexpected place. Notes: just the best Shinsou/izuku fic tbh, sleepy BOI needs his sleep, Izuku is best boy

Title: Fog lifting by PitViperOfDoom Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12876822 Summary: Izuku doesn't want to be here anymore. He doesn't regret the decisions that led to him ending up here, but he would like to leave now, please. Notes: hooooooly shit I cried, if you like seeing Izuku being hurt u read this, let this boy go home

Title: That Time Izuku was in a Shitty Mood part of the "that time" series by CaridwenAngetueur1 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11889639 Summary: To say that Izuku had woken up on the wrong side of the bed was an understatement. In fact, Izuku was willing to physically fight anybody who summed it up that simply. No, Midoriya Izuku was in the shittiest of moods and you don't want to fuck with him when he's angry. Notes: Super freakin funny, best reactions to moody Izuku ever, don't fuck with izukus sleep guys

Title: diaper days by Sweet_lives Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8532163/chapters/19559131

Summary: Deku crosses paths with a Villain who has the power to change ages, and leaves Izuku a toddler! Although this unexpected predicament holds many problems, the biggest issue at UA is who'll get to take care of him! Notes: just some wholesome baby Deku being looked after by class 1A

Title: Be Enough by PitViperOfDoom Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10531698

Summary: Midoriya cracks under the weight of things that may be outside of his control. Bakugou addresses the problem by throwing Todoroki at it. Notes: just some Izuku/todoroki fluff TBH, just throw Todoroki at it and everything will be ok, one chapter fic

Title: Drink my thoughts by Celestialfics Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10643583

Summary: [02:13 AM] todoroki: Are you awake? Notes: just a little bit of depression combined with Izuku/Todoroki

Title: Make the Most by Eloarei Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12185904/chapters/27665082

Summary: People always said he'd never get into UA without a quirk, but he did his best and he succeeded. And people always said he was never going to meet All Might, but there he was, knocked on the floor of a busy supermarket. It didn't look like him, and maybe that was why people weren't clamoring for autographs, but Izuku recognized those eyes when he saw them. He really had to stop listening to other people. Notes: my first All Might/Izuku fic and it's good shit, quirkiness Izuku, Izuku protection squad adult Izuku

Fantasy AU:: Title: In the Eye of the Storm by CheshireButton Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11910153/chapters/26911119

Summary: Izuku Midoriya is a scientific prodigy seeking a cure for a rapidly spreading neurodegenerative disease. A potential clue in his research points to a fabled island, guarded by an eternal storm from which no travelers have ever returned. He navigates through the hurricane and discovers an island that is anything but uninhabited. He must adapt to survive against the natives who place intruders in three categories: warriors, mates, or meat. Notes: maaaan I really love this fic!! Warning is a little dirty but not focused on that focused on the OMG best plot and characters, best Kacchan

Title: prince & prince by Authoress Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6565564/chapters/15022348

Summary: Note to self: don't accidentally fall in love with a prince who's in an arranged marriage keeping your kingdoms from declaring war against each other. Especially when you're spying on him as his manservant. Notes: SO GOOD, izuku/todoroki, best man servant Izuku

Title: Remember Me by Blue_Writer Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12603072/chapters/28707684

Summary: It had been years since Bakugou was exiled from his home and became the savage dragon king, but one good thing finally came to his life when he met Izuku again. The only issue, is that he doesn't remember him. Notes: Izuku/Kacchan, you want Kacchan being cute? This is ur fic, dragon boy AU, Izuku wants to be a knight

Title: break your bones but not your promises by PitViperOfDoom Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12738864/chapters/29051784

Summary: Tales of a world of magic and mundane, of heroes, villains, and everything in between-- of promises kept, bonds forged, and monsters both battled and befriended. Notes: it's a good read, lots of Fae law, baby Izuku and Shino are highlights of my life

Villain Izuku AU:: Title: the distinction between hope and expectation by Kattenprinsen and Ramabear (RyMagnatar) Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6963121/chapters/15874927 Summary: Five years ago, Bakugou's favorite nerdy victim vanished off the face of earth. Even if that was the proper thing for a quirkless, useless kid to do, he never quite forgot those bright green eyes staring resolutely up at him even in the face of Bakugou's violence and explosive quirk. The last thing he expects is to find the boy again in his final year at Yuuei- not just that, but to have him hauled into the middle of a fight by a group of bizarro villains out to smash All Might to bits (or something). Admittedly, it's hard to pay attention to a madman's stupid raving when your childhood friend (not dead. not missing anymore. still useless. still so pathetic. utterly helpless.) stares up at you with eyes that are begging for help. Yuuei hasn't taken his rage or his vulgarity away from him, but it has given him something. Bakugou is a hero. And heroes? They save even the useless ones and save Deku he will. He doesn't have a single plan beyond that moment, doesn't need one. Besides, when it comes right down to it, Deku has all the plans that any of them need. Notes: summary sums it up lol, best mastermind Izuku ever!! Multi-quirk Izuku, kinda nearly turns his whole class into villains? Well...shows them the way a really good read, Izuku/Shinsou (nose bleed CUTE AF)

Title: The Switch by Rhyllow Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12375993/chapters/28152045 Summary: Just when Todoroki finally realizes his feelings for Midoriya, his world is turned upside down. On a mission, Midoriya was hit with a quirk that turned him into a villain. Brimming with evil, blood lust, and greedy desire, Midoriya has become unrecognizable to his friends. Blaming himself for Midoriya's suffering, Todoroki makes it his mission to restore his love back to his regular self- knowing full well that there may be no hope left. Notes: oh boy, villain Izuku to the max , Izuku is unstoppable BOI

Title: No hero yet no villain by OldSauk411 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10868088/chapters/24141750

Summary: Midoriya Izuku had grown up bullied because he didn't have a quirk. Handled with kid's gloves because he also lacked a soulmate. Told he could never be a hero by the person he look up to the most. Filled with rage at everyone that had ever doubted him, he left to become something they wouldn't see coming, to get back at every single one of them for doubting him. He left to become a villain. Notes: got some Izuku and Shiguraki friendship, multi-quirk Izuku, soulmate AU bros, Izuku/todoroki

Soulmate AU:: Title: Burn and Breathe by PitViperOfDoom Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11066478

Summary: Soulmates are connected through pain, and some bonds have more to share than others. Todoroki Shouto wishes he could reject his soulmate. Midoriya wants nothing more than to protect his own. Notes: sweet angsty little read, super powerful "don't you touch him" from Izuku

Omegaverse AU:: Title: we're young and wild and stupid by Dandolion_weed Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12614520

Summary: Omegas who haven't presented deal with their premature heat in different ways. Midoriya Izuku bakes for people he loves. Notes: I'm weak for cute Izuku fics, not dirty just super fluffy

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pearlcrysta · 7 years

Text

Venting Sobfest. Moving on. Fanfics are hard to write like this. Cause they end up with me being a sadist on the chars. Readers want fluff too.

Writing on phone.

Or, how u can use all ur. built up emotions and feelings to write sobfest for readers.

I am a pretty selfish being when it comes to friendships - online too. I feel constantly lonely in real life and can t help wonder what is wrong with me to appall certain people whom I had never encountered troubles with.

At University – there was a group of acquaintances - they were very much friends with each other. While I was just there.

Never included in their out-of-college experiences.

I also am not a human who is a pushover, like purposely want to self-invite to things just to be forcefully included. I can also semi-sense when people ask you out of politeness to go somewhere, but the answer they wanna hear is ‘no’.

Or, when I ran late to class, no one bothered saving a seat for me. Some rarely did out of courtesy, only when i messaged them. While for their 'friends’, they d do it on instinct even if they end up skipping class.

I was always at the bottom choice when group projects were made. Even though i generally aim to be serious on such projects since grade doesn t reflect just my own performance.

The other has to have a good mark too. Still… always picked last.

It’s little things like this that upset me socially throughout college, hurting me even a year gafterwards since contact with anyone from there is rare… And at the same time I realize - i can t force someone to be my friend.

Or to like me.

These people mostly lived together in dorms. I lived at home cause college is 40 mins from home —- easy-peasy to have gotten there.

They interacted offline a lot. I do online more with them.and by more - school work more while they managed to naturally drift for topics.

I could have put more effort. I know I could but I am socially awkward as f,feeling most comfy online where friendships seem so much easier to make.

…

And cause it s so easier to me online, when i find an emotional support, i tend to cling on it. xD irritatingly. even if i like a person or have a crush on them online, in the end, any romance will be dead, slaughtered by things like distance (different countries, livelihoods, dreams).

Not every crush should be followed through.

Even if we could write for hours, long term thing other than friendship would have been an emotional hassle. A pain that I don t want anymore. And despite liking him, I know a futureless ship when i see it so my heart gets over it - or pretends to. Honestly, I liked him because he paid attention to me, helped me a lot in games and was there to greet me so eagerly every single day for months.

Months in a row.

Showering love of all sort.

And I tried my best to help him back.

But i also got tired of listening to broken record problems. I m human too. xD i can t always find supportive words. Not when i am told that he would move to my country just to stay with me.

As a friend too.

I managed to convince him eventually how bad an idea it was to do so - for a girl online. Friendzoned hard as f — that s how i heartlessly did it.

He said he was ok with it as long as he could be around me.

It was nearly a year of amazing friendship when it all soured since March.

April maybe.

When he found a replacement for everything he once sought in me. He got over me - friendship wise too. I am no longer relevant to his daily life.

No longer important enough to greet.

No longer important to care for.

No longer an excited 'hea’ 'heya’ 'smiley face’.

No longer interested in my day.

No longer caring if i am sad. Even when i specify i am sad because of him and him ignoring me, saying how rekt I was for him replacing me — he says that when he was sad that i shrugged it away or said for him to be quiet. I didn.t want to listen to his problems anymore.

… What… the… fuck????!!!!

Sorry for not having patience 24/7 like ur new twin does. He s also not sorry for moving on from talking to someone who made him feel bad, to someone who supports him 100%.

…. Hah…

That was heartbreaking to hear cause I never thought I wronged him to this extent. Why the f did he bottle so much and then come with the crap that 'i tried to tell you, you wouldn t listen’????????????

There s a difference between “trying” and “fucking telling”!!!!!

Even though he promised he would always be there for me - as a friend. He broke this promise.

Like he broke many other promises.

Little things added together.

Drifting away so much it hurts.

I fck up too at things - i was no innocent victim and had selfish moments. I admit, I fucking liked to have someone give a damn that i was worth a small greeting every single day.

I felt less lonely.

Loved.

But he was clingy too. So clingy at first, dear god. Super clingy - Yoosung style almost - and i would point out that i d need some space. never meant an entire black hole type of space. It s tiresome to talk for hours, months on end with a human. even one u like their company of.

I can t do it well.

I m tired… … … I m depressed.

How easy people use me. Just to throw me away when they find better. Or no longer need me for their issues. Cause they have BETTER. …. Forcing out topics for the sake of it made me feel drained to keep up… i needed some breathing space. So, It s back to suffocating loneliness space now, i got my fucking wish apparently.

Because he found his emotional twin whom he connects perfectly with.

While I ve become disposable trash.

He didn t say this - I assume I am trash to him for how he reacts around me. Confronting him did no good ((ultimately, it s my fault i couldn t help him anymore and he did what i wanted. Only problem is, he did too well)).

I stay invisible for days — no signs of concern from his part.

I come online and chat on public channels — barely acknowledged. I start a lot of conversations now whereas before he jumped on my chat every single day. If I don t write first, we are silent for days. And when I do write, it s mostly me begging for game things now. cause i m insensitive like that. And dunno how to talk to him naturally anymore. I pretend to be ok. And happy for the situation. when all i want is things to return to how it was before the fallout…

…

Tonight i flipped off.

I had it.

He shows love, friendship and has secrets with his twin — remember when u said u d never keep secrets from me? Yeah? I know u forgot.

Like you forgot about me.

Cause i am a fucking replaceable human. XD which u make it clear every single day by how much love u pour to ur twin. While I get is yelling, cold shoulder or not even a glancing thought anymore in ur day.

How am I doing?

U don t care that I have cried before, why would u now?

All i m ever left with are promises that end up half assed and empty. friendship that makes me cry more than an online relationship ever fucking did — I even left the common discord group we shared and he gave zero fucks.

… …

You don t even notice me gone…

XD … …

Seeing u happy while I am so torn. When u were emotionally bad, I helped u. Spent hours and hours to cheer u up and I can t even fucking convince u to do the same for me anymore.

If ur twin asks u for stuff or needs anything, u run at her like a dog. When I do, u act like it s the hardest thing ever to do in life. … … … … The only good part is out of all this is that it s giving me material for my MysMe fanfiction. I m using the story to vent and crap on MC s emotions. Using Magic Zen power to heal. Story probably going to shit anyway xD you reading my story was a nice feeling. But u stopped. If ur twin would write one, u d gobble it up like candy.

…

I m a sour person XD

maybe that s why people find it easy to treat me like this.

Intentionally or not, I can t handle my emotions anymore… so i follow my advice and quit on those that cause me pain. At least until i can be mature enough to handle the switch in social dynamics.

It takes months but i ll get over this hurdle.

Investing so much time and energy on someone who d fucking dump me aside for a “better” version.

I ll always remember this treatment though.

...

Conclusions: need to reach out to the few friends i have left. @.@ gdi.

#venting #ranting #hope he stumbles upon this #and reads it #safe to say he won t #or even if he reads it #somehow he ll make me feel crap again #PearlCrysta life snippets

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obsidianarchives · 5 years

Text

Lily Meade

Lily Meade is a speculative young adult author represented by Elana Roth Parker. Her writing has been published in Bustle and Teen Vogue. When not writing, she films educational videos on the craft of storytelling for her YouTube channel and recently launched a writer-focused planner company. We spoke with Lily about her work and being a Black creator.

Black Girls Create: What do you create?

I like to describe my content creation as “life inspired by fiction.” I do a lot of different things now, but my YouTube channel was created with the intent of sharing my passion and inspiration in storytelling with other people. Now I have a new business — it’s only a couple months old — First Chapter Design, and that’s a stationary company that creates products that are also centered around storytelling and helping people better tell their own stories. Whenever I create something, whether it’s a video or a notebook, and hopefully my books, my goal is always a life inspired by fiction.

BGC: What made you start vlogging?

I guess an obsession with YouTube. I was aware of BookTube, but I was more inspired by other authors that I had seen who did YouTube, like Jackson Pierce and Kiera Cass. They had a friendly, chatting with a colleague sort of style that I wanted to emulate more than the VlogBrothers format. I didn’t realize until maybe a year in how closely my audience overlapped with BookTube, because I don’t really talk about other people’s books. I didn’t want to build my platform for my own career talking about other people’s work, especially because I didn’t ever want to be in a position where maybe I didn’t like a book but I didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings or say something I didn’t mean. I don’t really consider myself too much part of BookTube because I don’t really do reviews, except for the occasional one that really speaks to me. But I don’t really not consider myself a part of BookTube. What we call AuthorTube and BookTube are so aligned, because it’s all centered around the passion of storytelling.

BGC: How has vlogging helped with your writing and vice versa?

Because I’m talking about writing, I have to know what I’m talking about. I read more books on writing and when I am thinking about content creation, it’s engaging the same core muscles. When I get a new revelation when I’m working on something, I usually open up my phone and put a note in. It’s a way to get out some of the things that take up your brain and can be distractions by giving them a home. My mother always says, “You should journal about your feelings since you like writing so much,” but when I write things down that’s permanent home for them, and I don’t like to give bad feelings a home.

I really love that creating videos helps me connect with other people who can then share their experiences and their stories with me. Hearing how people have enjoyed what I’ve made or how it’s helped them learn inspires me because I started writing back when I was a teenager and I started with fanfiction, so getting positive feedback around storytelling has always been a big motivator for me.

BGC: Why do you create?

I don’t really feel like I have any other choice. I have tried not to because I come from extreme poverty and it’s not practical for me to be pursuing a writing career, but I’ve never been able to escape it. When I had a regular job, I would sneak away to the bathroom with my phone and write down little notes, and I’d be constantly thinking about stories and what I wanted to write or what I wanted to create, just all the time. I read on every break I had. Now, I have a genetic condition that causes really severe migraines, so I can’t work a normal job anymore. So it sort of feels like if I can’t make writing work at this point then I’m not really sure what I can do, because of my disability.

"Writing inspires literally everything else I do." -- Lily Meade

But also writing has been for a long time — especially with the struggles that I’ve gone through in my life — the most intimate form of therapy, because it’s been a way to work through feelings that I can’t really put in any other place. Even if it’s science fiction or fantasy, it’s a way to dig into those really raw, real world problems in a way that’s less raw but still speaks truth to them. This past year I thought I might have lost the ability to do that. My relationship with writing got really hurt and I was afraid for awhile that it would no longer continue to be that safe healing space for me. But I’m slowly getting back there and as I improve and repair that relationship with my writing it’s shown even more how vital it is to me, so I guess that’s why I create. Writing inspires literally everything else I do. It’s why I create videos and products and everything else.

BGC: Who do you hope to reach through your work?

I hope to reach people like me but also people completely unlike me. At this point I should maybe put “Angie Thomas-stan” in my bio because I talk about her all the time, but I think she’s a perfect example of how I would like to make a reader feel. I remember being torn apart but also so seen by The Hate U Give and I know that if I’d had that story when I was younger my life could’ve been so much different because it helped me understand things that I couldn’t put into words at the time. And it could’ve given me the tools to help people in my life understand these things that I couldn’t explain then, and maybe we wouldn’t have had the problems that we had. And I’m even more excited for On The Come Up because it’s about a girl who has ambitions and dreams and has to balance that with the financial problems of her family. So I know this is really going to mess me up! I don’t write contemporary, but I really hope that whatever I do write, readers feel seen and heard and that it gives them tools to stand up for themselves more, because that’s always what books did for me. I didn’t have a lot of friends or confidants when I was younger. That’s partially why I write YA fiction, because I feel like that’s one of the most powerful times to reach somebody and truly influence the course of their life. I really want to empower people to know that no matter how much they’re struggling it can be better, even if it’s not better all the time.

BGC: Who or what inspires you to keep creating?

Always that “what would I want when I was younger” image. But also since I’ve done YouTube, it’s the people who follow me and interact with me. I really never expected how engaged people would be. This is a little selfish because people are always like “don’t start YouTube for the money or for the fame,” but I really did it to help build my platform so that I could better get an agent and a book deal. I’m a pragmatic business kind of person so I put my passion into it, but my goal was always to build something and it really threw me how much people actually connected to me because I wasn’t trying to put out a fake image or anything. I wasn’t presenting myself as anything false, but I didn’t expect people to actually care about me or to want me to succeed or to be as happy when I do succeed as they are. I’ve had some bad times with YouTube — I had this whole harassment brigading problem with the alt-right for a little bit — but it’s really inspiring and motivating to hear from people who care and who are excited. I’ve heard from a couple different people that they’ve used my videos in presentations at school or have shown my videos to their classrooms. So I create for myself first and foremost, which is probably the best way to continue creating something because if you’re creating with an audience or trend or someone else in mind it’s easier to get burnt out. But now I’m not discounting the people that I am reaching, and they do mean a lot to me. When myself isn’t enough to keep me motivated, sometimes that is.

BGC: Why is it important as a Black person to create?

This is something that I learned after I started, because when I started I was just being a practical business person. I saw how BookTube was helping reviewers build a platform that was moving into actually publishing books. But I didn’t realize how hard or how important it was for me as a Black woman to speak my experiences and my truth. I don’t want to stop talking about things that are maybe uncomfortable, to be a more palatable Black person. I know it’s really easy to fall into the Angry Black Woman stereotype, but I honestly believe that even if it takes longer and it’s harder, if I’m honest and I’m speaking as vulnerably and truly as I can, in the long run that will be better for my mental health as a creator to keep creating, my pride and strength in my work, and my ability to connect with people. When I talked earlier about how surprised I was that people actually cared, it’s because I am so honest. I talk about things even if they’re really uncomfortable, embarrassing, even if they don’t make me look like a polished professional creator. But then I end up with really passionate people who are willing to go to bat for me. Ultimately a creative career is built on word of mouth. My favorite marketing technique for creators is that you can make a living creating as long as you have 1000 true fans willing to buy whatever product you put out there. So the idea of maybe being the biggest name isn’t my end goal, because 1000 true fans would feel a lot more emotionally satisfying than 10,000 fans that don’t have that same level of connection.

BGC: How do you balance creating with the rest of your life?

I really struggle with that. I’ve talked about my issues with my health and finances and that has been a big problem. Again, because my audience is so engaged they’re really understanding, but that also makes me feel worse. Last year I had to take an extended 8 month break, because of both health and financial issues, and I’ve been really scared about how to return to YouTube, because I don’t want to not acknowledge the time that I’ve been gone, but I also don’t want to just go on and on apologizing because that’s not a very valuable video.

I am returning to YouTube soon and I’m super excited to do so because I’m only going to be making videos that speak to my core mission of a life inspired by fiction and the honesty and connection that I want to make with people. I’m not going to waste my time on things that I don’t believe in, because I’m limited both by my health and responsibilities.

"...the key is not to give up or restart from the beginning, but to just pick up and keep going." -- Lily Meade

Technically, in terms of actually balancing things, not just emotional, I’ve been using a lot more organizational apps and planning out my time. I’m really lucky that my family — I live with my mother and two younger brothers — all really understand and respect my commitment to my YouTube channel and my writing. I’m really lucky because I know that a lot of people don’t have the support that I do. They don’t have people that are willing to also make sacrifices so that they can make sacrifices and put their best self towards something. So I really think it’s both emotional, technical, and interpersonal. And it doesn’t always have to be perfect. Whenever your fall off, the key is not to give up or restart from the beginning, but to just pick up and keep going.

BGC: How have you been able to build a support system around yourself? What does that look like?

That’s again something I’m really trying to work on right now. I mentioned I lost my connection and trust in writing as a healing tool. So much of my life is built around writing, as I’ve already spoken about, so that really fractured my whole life. It was sort of an existential crisis. So in rebuilding my relationship with my writing I’m also rebuilding my trust in other people, and what exactly a support system is, because it doesn’t have to be a fancy squad or anything. I’ve been reaching out to people privately when I see them talking about their own struggles and letting them know how valuable it is for me to hear those things because I feel in a lot of great circles, but especially in traditional publishing and especially when people have a cultivated social media personality, that talking about anxiety or depression or feeling less assured in your career is not something people want to broadcast. They don’t want to feel weak. But I feel like it helps make you seem like more of a real person. So when people make themselves vulnerable I’ve been reaching out to them and telling them how much it means to me, giving them positive feedback. Trying to create a connection more personally, not performatively. I’m always going to be loud and obnoxious about my friends but I’ve been focusing more on building these connections. That’s been really helpful for me and I guess I can’t talk about it too much in terms of how I built that and how that’s been working for me because that’s something new that I’ve discovered recently. But I think it will probably be a good strategy long term.

BGC: Any advice for young creators/ones just starting?

I do believe that it is really important to be as open and honest as you can. Don’t put things out there that are too painful or raw for you to share with people, but don’t be afraid to talk about what limits you, what prevents you from doing the things that you want to do, and things that frustrate you. And don’t be afraid to reach out to people who are talking about those things. Everyone can put other people on pedestals, but we’re all a lot closer than we all realize, and I think both YouTube and writing are industries where you need a support system and you need friends that are maybe higher up on the ladder than you and on the same level to go for the long haul, because you can’t do it on your own. Also never take anyone’s bullshit, especially on things that are your own experiences. That is really hard, especially when you’re really small and when you’re trying to build yourself because sometimes being honest and not taking bullshit makes growing harder. But again, I really feel that it’s better to grow slow but grow real, than to build a castle out of unsturdy bricks.

BGC: What’s a future project that you’re most looking forward to working on?

I’m really excited for my new focus on my YouTube channel. I’m still trying to figure out exactly how I’m going to reintegrate in there. I plan to talk about jealousy, how mental health affects your writing, and imposter syndrome. Those are all really raw, and I’m a little scared but also really excited to hear about what other people think about those things. Writing-wise I’m working on an idea that I’ve had for over a decade now, but I finally feel like I have the ability and the strength to write. I really feel that if I don’t write this story I won’t be able to write anything else because it keeps on trying to sneak it’s way into everything else. I can’t say too much about it but it’s about cultural loss, and history, and the things that aren’t and are allowed to be saved, and who is worthy of being remembered. I think that ties into a lot of issues that I’ve had lately and also a lot of things that I think people will connect with. I think it’s going to be a really exciting fun story, if it doesn’t kill me first.

You can follow Lily on Twitter @LilyMeade, and subscribe to her YouTube channel here.

#Black Woman Creator #YouTube #writer

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