Catarou Charm /ᐠ - ˕ -マ

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So I kinda got back into Beastars after rewatching season 1 while working on stuff, will soon start season 2 (and prolly try to finish getting all the volumes even tho am missing 16 volumes).

Of course I fell back into loving LouGoshi and now I kinda want to read some fanfic.

Does anyone have good LouGoshi rec? Preferably stories that are completed. Am not really picky either, as long as it's not heavy whump and/or bad ending imma prolly be into it. Maybe not 100k and kire words either i suppose, seeing how my brain struggles to focuse at times.

i am sitting in class writing the darkest most fucked up thing i’ve ever written on my school macbook just having so much fun

my housemate and I have been good friends since college, when they were the first person to introduce themselves to me and bring me into what is still our friendship group, nearly four years ago. the first question they asked me was what my pronouns were and I was there when they came out and changed their name. now we’re living away from our parents for the first time and looking at signing a lease together next year. I work full time at a job that doesn’t pay me enough and they’re still on a casual contract at a business that’s slowly going under. their car keeps breaking down in different ways and I have to leave the house an hour and a half early to get to my shifts on time by bus. the blanket on our couch smells like weed and sometimes my cat does too because he rubs up against it. we talk about our coworkers and budgeting and what groceries we need to get. in the next few months they and all our friends are turning 20. april next year I will too. we both have no idea what we’re going to do with our lives and the future scares me and sometimes that’s ok. sometimes it’s not but that doesn’t mean we won’t make it out the other side.

anyway, we’ve been watching fionna and cake together.

Saw your Eden's Garden Mastermind post and it has made me insanely curious to know who you think the Despair Time MM is, personally I think it's either Nico or J.

Nothing to really back up those choices it's just a gut feeling.

hello anon who sent in this ask! i felt bad about it sticking around in my inbox for over a week, and i didn't want you to think that i was just ignoring it.

in truth, i've been working on writing up my theories on who i think the DRDT mastermind might be! it's just, uh... really long, due to my typical ramblings. (my justification is that if you're asking for my thoughts in particular, you must enjoy or at least tolerate all of my random tangents, right?)

i'm going to be kind of busy next week too, so this is just a warning that it might take me a while to get the theory out. and, for everyone else, it can be an exciting announcement(...?)! just, know that i did not lose nor ignore your ask! much like a stew or roast meat, some theories simply take longer to cook...

i have really got to get back to writing but i am very dry on inspo lately....

I just need to get through the day....

Me: *opens period calendar*

Me: *is suddenly very aware why i'm more depressed than normal*

so as we’ve established I do not Know anything abt sw so you’ll have to fill in a lot of blanks, BUT I am thinking of a fic with established obiwan x anakin that turns very angsty when obiwan loses anakin to the dark side and that crusty musty bitch palpatine. Something something the force?? Obiwan still remembers what it was like to fight & love at anakin’s side and he never forgets what that bond felt like and he mourns the absence of that kind of force in his life until! He meets a young luke sky walker and suddenly even as he’s teaching luke the ways of the *mumble mumble I wanna say jedi?????* he’s re-experiencing a rhythm of fighting that he himself hasn’t felt since anakin and so mentoring and sex ensue but THEN!!! luke finds out that Vader is his father and he goes to tell Obi and Obi already knew that ANAKIN is Vader so NOW obi realizes that anakin is Luke’s father holy shit he’s been sucking & fucking (& maybe falling in love with for the first time in 20-some years???) his evil ex’s SON!!!!!!

EVREN IM LITERALLY SCREAMING BC TODAY I ACTUALLY SPENT HOURS IN BED THINKING ABOUT OBILUKE GSDJHDKDHDKDHDGDJDD???????? AND NOW U SEND ME THIS?!???! ? WE ARE CONNECTED METHINKS

BUT GOD YES YES YES!!!!!!!

obi-wan realizing that the familiarity he felt was all actually ANAKIN, the comfort, the same warmth, is was all just. so anakin. and that's what he was attracted to!!! he simply turned a blind eye to it bc he couldn't go back, he had tried so hard to bury everything anakin, and he couldn't let it all resurface (but oh, the way anakin was etched into every part of his being, there was no way he could ever bury him)

at the end of the day, he never stopped loving anakin, no matter how much he tried, every little aspect of anakin, even his creation (his fucking son, obi-wan what are you doing) plucking at the strings of his heart

and oohhhh it's such a mess!!!!!!!!!!

bc now we got obi-wan trying to come to terms with the fact that he's still in love with anakin but that he's also fallen in love with his fucking son.

but we also have luke learning that obi-wan, the dilf he pulled somehow, fucked his dad?????? who's also the evil lord who's been terrorizing the galaxy????

and then vader realizing and he's like "YOU FUCKED ME AND MY SON????"

also might i add guilt on obi-wan's part bc does that mean he never actually loved luke?? that he just loved the pieces of anakin he saw in luke????

and omg! vader using this against him? bc oh, obi-wan u pathetic old man, you fell for me, and when u lost me, u couldn't take it and had to go and have my son, my loss is still haunting you

and agdjfhjshkfdhff it's just a HUGE mess

honestly obi-wan must've felt something was off when he realized luke and anakin’s sexual preferences were so eerily similar (both bratty bottoms, both so headstrong, always demanding and getting what they want from obi-wan) but that would've been too much for his brain to handle so he just:

but anyways, we all know there is only ONE solution to this problem: threesome

.

every time a medical professional of some sort tells me i have a high degree of self-awareness, it makes me have an external reaction of "thank you i try" and an internal reaction of "honestly i think having as high a level of self-awareness as i do is at least a quarter of why i'm so miserable. :')"

tagged by @cloevr to post 4 albums ive been listening to lately! ty :D been getting into a sakamoto phase again and recently found that japanese cd of lets knife which while not my fav album is still v nice and def has some great moments on it i am a cat is one of  their greatest songs ideologically and even tho i dont like the production of the album i still respect it and like it historically since it was their major label debut. also the art for the japanese release is super cute and has an awesome pic on the back of them in their dresses those red whtie blue ones theyd wear that i swear they shouldda used that pic for the u.s album cover its literally at the same camera angle as the us cover so wtf. anyways yea and history of my heart by ciani is great also not my fav of hers but its like one half 80s cheese and one half just ciani doing that beautiful gentle lovely music she excels at :’-)

i tag @crewneck @mokeymokey @mousetrapreplica @depengu and any1 else who wants to do it ^_^

💖💖 have an amazing day! And if your day has already finished, I hope your day tomorrow is amazing because you deserve it 🥰

Thank you so much 🥺💕

Have an amazing day too anon ❤️‍🩹🖤

~ ~ ~

I did it again I took a boredom nap again

I don’t know why I’m writing this.

My hearing has kind of gone out again. By “out” I mean I am overwhelmed by tinnitus, dead air, distorted hearing. My hearing aids don’t help, they just make the muddle louder. I’m in a bad place. I feel sick. I’m having a hard time eating. I’m sleeping too much. It’s not just hearing loss, there’s a mental component to it. I feel closed off. I feel so alone. I haven’t been this depressed in awhile. I shouldn’t have stopped antidepressants and now I’m scared to start again because starting them is always the worst, and, well, to be honest, I’ve had a lot of suicidal thoughts these last few days. I can’t see myself living with this for long. I’m scared. I’m alone. Even around others, I feel alone because I can’t understand them and I hate forcing myself and my problems on them. My mother asked how my hearing was today and I broke down in front of her. She’s not my therapist, I hate putting my problems on her, but I couldn’t hold it. I’ve been so desperate for some human contact, for someone to vent to, that I just started weeping. I told her I’m scared about how I’ll live, that I’m falling apart and have been thinking about ending things. We talked for a bit and she said she’d help me make some appointments tomorrow since I can’t really hear right now. I hate this. I hate making her worry. Telling your mom you want to kill yourself… fucking sucks. I don’t know how else to put it. She said she’d take me to the hospital at any hour, if I needed it. She doesn’t deserve that pain. Im not going to do anything harmful. I haven’t reached that point. I’d never want to hurt my family like that. I couldn’t imagine leaving my little brothers. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed.

I wish I could move to some deaf commune like from Sound of Metal. I wish there was a place I could go where I wouldn’t have to worry about my future. Just give me a simple job, a small room, 3 meals a day, and that’s all I want. I’m so lost. I have no friends. No prospects. I miss my dad. I miss being small and having someone else in control. I miss having a partner there, just someone next to me in bed, some other warm body to hold on to when I need physical comfort. I’m sitting in the kitchen right now because I can’t be in my room right now. It feels like a tomb. I hate that it’s 2 a.m. I hate that I’ve been sleeping all day. I have no where to go and I feel alone. I cancelled my gym membership. Too much money and I didn’t have the transportation. They used to be 24 hours before covid. When I first moved back to Arkansas, I was depressed like this. I’d go to the gym at about this time of night while I was depressed. I miss that. Some place to go when my mind needed distracting. Now I have nowhere. I don’t know what to do. I’m just going to keep writing because I need this distraction. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I don’t know if I want them to. To be honest, I don’t even feel like I have friends online anymore. Mutuals keep deleting. All my old friends have moved on. I’m bad at chatting with new friends because I have nothing to talk about. I have such a nothing life. I feel ashamed when people ask about me, about my life.

You want to know about me? I’m… fuck, I don’t remember how old I am. Fuck, I’m 34. I’m 34 and unemployed. I dropped out of college. I can’t hold a job. I was excited about trying to get a job, I thought my hearing had been holding up, I was going to send out applications, I swear, but this present problem has just made me feel hopeless. I can’t make friends because I’m 34, unemployed, live with my family, and have no hobbies besides sleeping and just surviving. I’m sorry. I want to be your friend. I want people to be my friend. I don’t want to die and be forgotten. I put out albums in my 20s! I had a cooking show in high school! I had friends, I went to concerts, I’ve had so many cats. I’m going to be forgotten. My bandcamp will never get visited. I have albums worth of instrumentals I wrote in my early 20s that no one will ever hear. I’ve been thinking about writing a book for years, but I’ve never sat down to actually write. My own family won’t know about these things. I’m going to be forgotten and that feels worse than death. I need my family and friends to know how much I love them. I love them so much. They’re the only reason I don’t want to go. I want to see my brothers grow up. Im so scared. I’m scared for them and I can’t help them. I have nothing to offer them. The world is too heavy. And they’ll be off to college soon enough and I’ll never see them. They’re at that age where they go straight to their room, they don’t talk to me much. I miss watching movies with my little brother. I miss playing video games with them. Talking with them. I just want to hold them and tell them I love them. That they saved my life. That I’ll be here for them as long as I can so please, please don’t shut me out. Please just sit and watch a dumb movie with me and be with me for a little bit because I need to be with them, in that moment, while they’re young, so I can remember this. They’re going to go off to college, they’re going to go live their lives, and I’ll still be here and I know they’ll still love me but I won’t matter as much. I’m worried about my mom. She’s sick all the time. She can’t work anymore. Life is crushing down on us. I don’t want her to hurt. I don’t want her to leave us. I don’t want her to leave her teenage sons. That’s not fair. They need their mom. Their dad already ran off. I don’t want them to be alone. I don’t want them to be 20 and scared and miss their mom. I wish I could be there for them. I told her I was worried about losing her, and she said she could live another 10 years. That sounds like no time at all. 10 years, if we’re lucky. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want my brothers to lose her.

All I see is everything’s expiration date. I’m so focused on the end. I want to be here, now, but I’m so scared. I’m wasting it. It’s 2:40 in the morning and the world feels dead. I feel like I’m on a dead planet and I’m just sitting here, rotting and postponing the end. It could just end right now, tonight. I know it would be scary, but when it happens, it’s just dark and nothing. Once I passes out giving blood. It was just dizziness, nausea, and then nothing. When I came to, I was surprised how… nothing, it was. It just happened and it was nothingness. No dreams, just gone. I know it’s not the same, but it also kind of is. I’m scared. I don’t want that. I don’t want nothing. I want life. I want to be happy. Please, I need something, I need to be happy, I need a life. I need friends and I need a job and my family and I need my hearing to just fucking figure itself out. I can’t do this “one month of good hearings, one month of bad hearing, repeat.” If I can just survive a little while, I know it’s bad right now. It gets bad.

I have to be positive. I have to be. So tomorrow I’m going to make some appointments, or my mom will if I can’t hear, and I’m going to try to get on some antidepressants, even though I’m scared about how I’ll feel, and I’m going to beg for something like Xanax to help give me immediate relief for these ever increasing moments of massive anxiety and hopelessness. I’m going to try to demand ear tubes. I don’t know if they’ll work, but I’m lost. I’m desperate. Please, just do this small unnecessary surgery so I can feel like I’m doing something. I think I’m going to go back to therapy. I haven’t been in years. I wish weed was legal here, because god knows I need it, but it’s not like I could afford it if I could buy it. I need money. I need to go out. I feel so closed off. I need to go to the movies or bowling or even just back to a gym. Please please let my hearing clear up so I can get a simple job and have some kind of pay check. I shouldn’t be this old and feel this lost.

So now it’s 2:45. I’m in the kitchen. I drank some coffee because I needed the caffeine and sugar to hopefully give me a dopamine boost. I don’t know if it did. I’ve just been crying this whole time, so I don’t know. I slept all day. I need to be awake during the day, so I shouldn’t be drinking coffee, but I think soon I’m going to take some Benadryl, take a shower, and try to sleep until the sun comes up. I feel sick. I’ve been sleeping too much. I have no appetite so I’ve been forcing myself to eat, but it’s all tasteless and hard to swallow. I’ve been here before. I know it can get better. I don’t know how, I mean, everything else seems to be collapsing inward on my family right now, but… I have to believe things can get better. I feel like I’m choking right now. I feel trapped and suffocating. I’m so nauseas and sick and scared. I just want someone to walk in and say “hey, can I sit with you awhile?” I’ll keep going, but this is…

AND I can’t fucking use this app because it eats my battery and overheats my phone! What the hell.

Okay, 3 a.m. 3:05. What am I doing

I ran out of space for tags. This is too long. No one is going to read any of this. Why would you? You shouldn’t. It’s like a really long sad sad rant. Aaaaaaaa I’m losing it. I’m lonely. I’m burnt out. Half tempted to join a cult so I can just live with a group of people that control my life for me. I know that’s a shitty joke and cults are terrible, but also my brain is so bad and I feel so hopeless that when I say I’m half joking, I really do mean I’m partially serious. Sure sure, you’re God, dude, that’s cool, I’ll believe that, just give me a bed, 3 meals, and I’m in. Aaaahh ughhhh 3:15. What am I doing? How many followers will I lose for this? Why do I even have this blog? I’ve been on here for, I don’t know… I want to guess 15 years. Maybe more, maybe less. I don’t know why. It’s some connection to the outside world. No one talks to me on here. Sometimes they do. Some years they do, some years I just “exist” on here with very few interactions. It’s sad. I need real friends. I need a job so my coworkers can be friends. I need money to go out. I need self confidence and money and a job so I can join some dumb dating or friendship app, but right now… okay, I can’t go back down that road right now. Just scroll back up and reread my whining.

3:20. Distract myself. Keep writing. Distract. I can’t write forever. Okay. I need to go. I’ll be okay. I’ll try to be. If you read some of this, I’m sorry, but maybe thank you. I don’t deserve you. This world is so scary and lonely. Thank you for being here. Really. I appreciate you.