"but if i cant trust x people, who can i trust?" no one but yourself and your own intuition really. you can put your trust in someone to do something for you but that doesnt mean you have to keep trusting them forever after. never be so loyal that you betray yourself.

so! the Fun Thing I am currently writing:

you know Isabelle if you've been here a while, but this is Slightly Different Nearer Future Worse Political Situation Isabelle, so I will describe her as she is in the relevant thing

-Isabelle is the wife of the American president. she is a wheelchair user.

skills: being Just So Fucking Smart, deliberately hiding her intelligence enough that people think she is just regular smart and underestimate her, writing speeches and other political media, poise in public, manipulating people by talking at them.

weaknesses: remembering that she personally is a human being with needs and feelings, knowing what her her feelings are, communicating about her feelings instead of keeping everyone six feet away behind a facade.

how is she so good at Making Other People Have Feelings but so very bad at "knowing that she even has any of them?" because sometimes it's like that.

but, she is married to Robert, who is President. if they were not married, he would be like, maybe a congressman? he is not stupid at all, he is a competent man and would be a competent politician on his own merits, but also, power couple.

-he is somewhat better than Isabelle at coming off as warm and genuine because he is so incredibly warm and genuine all the time that you can't think he's anything else. she comes off as "nice, but a bit reserved."

-conveniently, he has noticed that Isabelle sometimes has feelings and needs. often, he can predict what they are, in the way of people who have been married for like twenty years. also, because they have been married for 20 years he is by now a Level Twelve confidant and gets to be told what most of them are.

-even he does not know how smart she is, though, really, in a few specific arenas. she realized when she was very young that people do not like when you are smarter than they are, and adjusts accordingly, automatically.

-one of the first things Isabelle learned from watching people is that people hate it when you watch them, so she stopped letting them know what she saw, but she didn't actually stop watching.

-she combines "being that fucking smart" with "not realizing that her husband will not cringe away from her if she tells him" because, again, sometimes it's like that. you learn shit young and it sticks with you and nobody tells you different because they don't know what they'd need to tell you.

-Robert is probably, at the start of the story, the person who has the second-closest idea of how smart Isabelle actually is, and he's still off by enough that it would startle him a little.

-Theo, their dear friend, is the closest to knowing how smart she is, because Theo watches people in something like the way she does, and sees it. Theo doesn't do feelings either, though, so Robert ends up closer to understanding her overall.

-Robert is as close to her as anyone in the world, and they love each other so much. they are casually affectionate in public. they have a daughter and a life and nothing's perfect, but it's good.

-and then Robert is shot.

-he is shot on a stage. the people who shoot him take Isabelle and put her in a basement for a while, with her daughter, until Theo, who has a specific skillset, gets them out.

-ever after, Theo puts little GPS things in all of her jewelry. the people who kidnapped her let her keep her wedding ring, and if she'd had a tracker in it, she wouldn't have spent eight days in a basement.

-liberated from the basement, she flies to Rio, because it is a place that has agreed not to turn her over to the shitty people who have taken over America

-there has been a coup. lots of people are dead.

-Isabelle throws herself into caring for her daughter and running the counter-revolution, talking to the international press, making deals, smuggling things and people in and out, etc. she is doing a lot of good work. she is doing her goddamn best.

-she outsourced all of her "knowing and caring about her own feelings" and "generally making sure she is taking good care of herself" to her husband, who was good at that.

-he's dead now, for which reason she has maybe more feelings and related needs than she's ever had in her life?

-she knows she has a whole PTSD, she knows that early on. she is very smart, her trauma is huge and obvious, but, like, you can just sort of ignore that and hope it goes away, right? probably

-it takes her longer to know she is an alcoholic, because that one is harder to know. less obvious, at least to her. but she is, very definitely. she gets bad very fast.

-most people don't notice, though, because she keeps it behind the wall between her and most people.

-so she lives in Rio, and she works, and she drinks.

Isabelle is not actually the narrator of this story, though. the narrator's name is Sasha. she was a Russian diplomat living in America.

-skills: compassion, style, a few languages, being passionate about the places and people and things she loves, falling in love easily and completely.

weaknesses: keeping her temper, keeping her composure, not calling people motherfuckers when they really, really are but also it would be disastrous to do so, knowing what her own feelings are,

-did we see one of the things on that second list on an earlier list?

-also, do some of those weaknesses seem like they might be problems for someone in her line of work (diplomacy, a field in which it is often useful to be diplomatic).

-it's fine, she's charming and pleasant and smart enough to compensate for the things she is not as good at.

-also, she doesn't generally care about most politics stuff enough to get to the "this person is a motherfucker and if I do not tell them I will explode and my entrails will land on them in the shape of the word "motherfucker," stage with work people.

-she might have a different job if her whole family wasn't prominent politicians, but.

-her brother is an asshole, but, like, also he is her twin brother and she loves him. her father is an enormous fucking asshole and also dead now, and also, fuck him.

-she likes traveling and coffee and her dog and a series of women who she tries to start casual with and then either gets bored of or falls in love with and then they are like "you are, um, maybe a little intense?"

-she likes living in America, with good friends and a job she enjoys and does reasonably well.

-and then the president is shot, and there is a coup.

-her brother calls her back to Russia immediately, arranges a flight for her before any of the rest of his staff because, twin sister, obviously. they learned to be protective of each other young, Leo and Sasha.

-she spends very little time in America post-violence, when things are different and unsafe. she was there for about twelve hours before she got on a plane.

-she thinks this means that she did not experience a trauma, will not experience any symptoms worse than "occasionally being a bit sad" and does not deserve to complain to anybody about it.

-fortunately, she has some people in her life who are immediately like "you are actually having so many problems right now. did you know that when shit like this happens, there is enough trauma happening for everyone to have seconds? even if it could be worse? also, your trauma symptoms will not go away if you ignore them or pretend not to have them, so, like, therapy?"

-it would be good if Isabelle had more friends like that, but, unfortunately, most of her close friends are dead now.

-sasha, meanwhile, goes to therapy. she discovers that, if there is a minimum threshold on how bad an experience you need to have had before you call it PTSD, she is actually well past it. huh.

-also, maybe the situation with her dad was, uh, worse than she may have thought? him dying did not magically erase his effect on her life, which is unfortunate.

-sasha knew Isabelle barely, pre-assassination. not well, but she'd met her a few times. she was pretty and loved her husband and daughter and seemed smart. a little reserved, maybe.

-Sasha cries when she finds out that this woman and her daughter are still alive, but mostly because if another two people were dead, and one of them a seven-year-old girl, that would be worse, and there is not room for much worse in her heart.

-she cries mostly because her brother is in nearly the same political position as the dead man was, and if his wife and kids were missing, she would lose her goddamn mind.

-she tries not to think about what would happen if her brother was shot. he is an asshole, but he is her brother.

-her brother, meanwhile, has to deal with these fucking assholes who are running America now. god, they're just the worst, but they do seem to be in charge now, so, like, needs must.

-he does not allow sasha to do diplomatic work with them, because he knows her. he has seen her explode before. she has never exploded at work, so he has trusted her up to this point.

-she is very much already at the "if I do not call these people out on being motherfuckers, I will literally explode and my entrails will call them motherfuckers" stage with these people.

-which is fair, honestly, it's not like she's wrong, but also, she is not in charge of negotiating with these people.

-there is a counter-revolution brewing, folks trying to get America back to normal. several governments are offering a certain amount of clandestine support, because it's not great for the global stage having America just sort of, collapse a bit. also, fuck these people entirely.

-so Leo assigns Sasha to contribute to the revolution in a short list of prescribed ways, and keep him in the loop while allowing him just the thinnest possible veneer of plausible deniability.

-boy, if he has known what was going to happen later, he would for sure have assigned somebody else!

-Isabelle is running the counter-revolution from Rio, so Sasha and Isabelle have calls about once a week for a year, mostly about work.

-Isabelle is, at the start, blandly professional, but Isabelle has very few people to really talk to, as herself, the human person, to the point where sometimes she forgets the human person exists.

-she doesn't quite warm up to like "genuine closeness" but she warms up to "social chatting" as part of the work calls.

-it is hard not to warm up to Sasha, when she likes you. she is easily friendly and kind. she likes Isabelle a lot.

-like, the normal amount. the normal amount to like your work friend, for sure, definitely. she spends the most normal amount of time thinking of ways to make Isabelle smile, because Isabelle doesn't smile much.

-Isabelle drinks much too much, and Isabelle stops drinking, and Isabelle's doctor is like "is this a situation where you could get a less stressful job?"

and Isabelle is like "if you ask me that again I will get a new doctor immediately, who is less of a fucking idiot. do you have a non-idiot suggestion?"

"okay! cool and good! maybe make some friends, or try a change of scenery?"

-Isabelle's not-dead friends are Theo, and technically it is possible that some of her old friends are still alive, in America, and just can't get in touch with her because of everything. she likes to think this. it's not making anything worse to think it, so she allows herself to.

-Isabelle's friends who she can speak to are Theo, end of list.

-so, change of scenery? it might be a good idea anyway, Brazil is getting tired of having those dipshits in America yell at them. governments are not always thrilled about the idea of her living and working within their borders. they are glad she is living and working, but not in my backyard.

-when she mentions to Sasha that she is looking for a new place to live, she is not fishing for anything, she is just chatting.

-Sasha immediately says "why don't you come to Moscow? you'll be safe here. I can bully my brother into allowing you to be here and helping you to stay safe. it's nice here!"

-she says this for friend reasons, obviously, and also strategic revolution reasons, the latter of which she uses to talk Leo around.

-Isabelle comes to Russia. she is amenable to weekly dinners with Sasha. Sasha is her phone chatting work friend. maybe Sasha could one day be her real life actual friend. that would be good maybe.

-the second week, Isabelle is sitting on Sasha's couch, with her feet up on the ottoman. they have had a nice dinner and are watching a documentary and chatting in English.

-at this point, Sasha goes "oh, fuck. I do not want to be real life friends with this woman, actually. not just friends. she is so beautiful and smart and I would so much like to kiss her."

-Sasha, you have been experiencing this feeling for like at least three months. it did not just pop into your head the minute she put her feet up on your furniture. you moved her to fucking Russia because you had so many big feelings. it just got loud enough for you to notice.

-is it u-hauling to move someone across continents to live in the same city as you? how about if neither of you knows you have feelings yet?

-Sasha will realize this several months later. right now, she thinks she has acquired a new feeling.

-she dithers about this for a bit, without telling anyone, because all of her friends would be like "well, that's a bad fucking idea."

-which, like, she is not stupid. Isabelle is a martyr's widow who is both grieving still and also doing a lot of work on the public image of being a martyr's widow. good work, important work, that helps

-it would have to be a very secret thing, maybe could never be anything else. her brother would be mad about it for politics reasons.

-if Sasha asked her out, Isabelle could very easily say "sorry there are too many politics reasons" or "sorry, I am heterosexual and/or very sad still."

-it would be a very bad idea in many ways!

-Sasha knows she is going to do it anyway. she does not always identify her feelings for a while, but once she does, she commits to them.

-but also, if Sasha causes Isabelle to experience any additional bad feelings, or to not want to chat with her anymore, Sasha will explode.

-this time her entrails will spell out "sorry."

-the solution here is to slow-play it a bit, she thinks.

-Sasha is not... super good at slow-playing it.

-she opens with what she thinks is a very casual, normal question about whether Isabelle is seeing anyone, or might like to. carefully worded to be normal and subtle and friendly.

-there are two problems with this. one is that Sasha's facial expressions tell you everything she is thinking all of the time. another is that Isabelle is uncannily good at facial expressions.

-it is hard at the best of times to ask the relationship status of a person you have feelings for in a super chill super casual very normal way that will not raise suspicion.

-when you have all of the natural deceptive skills of a Golden Retriever and also you are speaking to someone who reads everyone she meets like a book, well, you're just not going to pull it off.

-the subtext behind the question is "god, I would so like to kiss you, but only if you're cool with that?"

-Isabelle absolutely knows this right away.

-she wasn't expecting this at all. she'd like to give it some thought.

-in the meantime, she tells Sasha that she is not totally disinterested in the idea of dating again ever, but it would have to be very private for a while, if she did date again. she weaves in a little bit of information about her romantic history, in order to tell Sasha that she is bi.

-she thinks she has been about as unsubtle as it is possible to be, because she sometimes forgets that most people aren't her or Theo.

-Sasha thinks she completely nailed normal and casual. she thinks Isabelle's response was very normal and casual also, while also containing a lot of useful information.

-the orientation thing was going to be Sasha's next question, but she couldn't think of a way to be like "hey hello are you interested in women?" that did not tip her whole hand, so it's great that Isabelle happened to volunteer that information while they were both being normal and causal.

-Sasha, your whole hand is already tipped. you took out a feelings billboard. she knows.

-meanwhile, Isabelle gives it some thought.

-it's not a terrible idea, really.

-well, it is, in lots of ways, but there's no risk-free way to pursue any kind of relationship, especially when you are very famous for being widowed and people want to kill you.

-no matter who she gets involved with, some people are going to be Big Mad about it, and it will make some of her work harder.

-now, given that there is no safe choice, is Sasha the safest possible choice? absolutely not, not even close, but you don't get into relationships by triangulating the safest option.

-Isabelle is lonely. she is not great at assessing her own feelings, but the thought has occurred to her before. and when someone basically took out a feelings billboard at her, but in a respectful way, well, the thought occurred to her a bit more.

-the idea of spending the next several years or maybe forever being single and married to the Mission kind of sucks, actually.

-besides, Sasha is kind, and easy to talk to, and quite pretty. she does not seem like the type to insist on too much too fast.

-this is true, that is not the kind of intense Sasha is. she just sort of falls in love at you very quickly, which not everybody wants.

-but the only way Isabelle has ever been loved in her life is "very intensely" by a man who also saw her reservedness and was comfortable with it until it gave way around him. so that's fine.

-a few weeks later, around when Isabelle is done thinking, Sasha decides it is next move time.

-she has used up all of her very normal conversational gambits and has been debating between "just telling Isabelle about her feelings, or, like, some percentage of her feelings, the normal amount of feelings to have for a person you have not kissed." or "some kind of very casual very normal very chill physical contact."

-Sasha so wants to be a chill, casual person. unfortunately, she just isn't.

-she puts her hand on Isabelle's shoulder, and Isabelle settles into her a bit, makes herself comfortable.

-they sit like that for a minute.

-Sasha is thinking "is this like, chill, normal, platonic half-cuddling or is she trying to give me a hint?"

-Isabelle has never been less subtle in her life and would be shocked to know that this is being read as "a hint" rather than "a very overt declaration of interest."

-Isabelle, who thinks everyone's intentions are fully on the page now, says "if I ever tried to be in a relationship again, it would have to be very private, at least at first. it would have to be a secret for a while, which I know isn't something everyone would be interested in. also, "being very open with people" is not part of my skill set really. I do get there, but sometimes it takes me a minute."

-her frame of reference for "the normal amount of open to be with someone you like" was Robert, who knew he was going to marry her three months in, so she might not be calibrating this perfectly.

-she is now sitting on a couch half-cuddling with Sasha, who also falls in love very fast.

-Sasha listens to this information about Isabelle's relationship needs and thinks "that's probably a large hint, right? like, almost definitely. I am pretty sure. also, all of those things are fine and I basically knew them already, so that's good. this is going really well. what do I do now? should I be like "all of those things you want in a hypothetical relationship sound good to me" or should I save that for next week, because of the slow-playing I am doing here?"

Isabelle, meanwhile, is thinking "well, I have been as explicit as it is possible to be. if she didn't want to do something secret and careful and patient, she would remove her arm and stop half-cuddling me."

-so she sits for another minute or two, to give Sasha time to make a decision.

-Sasha does not move her arm. even if she knew what Isabelle was actually thinking, she wouldn't move her arm.

-at this point Isabelle kisses her, which she was not at all expecting.

-like, it was feeling like a more plausible future option, but today? right now? not that Sasha is in any way complaining.

-they kiss for a bit, and then Isabelle briefly removes her mouth from Sasha's mouth and looks at her and goes "wait, are you surprised by this?"

and Sasha goes "a little bit, yeah? I mean, this is great, I am very pleased with this outcome, but I wasn't sure if you were..."

later, Isabelle will be like "please tell me in what way I could have been at all clearer" and Sasha is like "by using words with your mouth to talk about your feelings?"

"I did that," says Isabelle, bewildered.

"no. "if I was going to kiss somebody I would need to take it slow and keep it secret" is a logistic. "I like you and want to kiss you" is a feeling."

"why would I talk to you about kissing logistics if I didn't want to kiss you specifically? just as a hypothetical? is that a thing people do?"

neither of them is entirely sure. but also, they will have this conversation later, because right now is kissing time.

here’s some modern au headcanons for the arcana ... it’s something I think about a lot

Asra

gamer memeing shitlord . he majored in minecraft you cannot convince me otherwise

plays A Lot of minecraft but also just enjoys any similar sort of game, sdv, animal crossing, etc. He’s really good at video games but he’s just fucking around . he likes to play online games and try his best to make everyone hate him in a really harmless sort of way . he heals the enemy spy . changes his display name and avatar to be exactly the same as someone else . tells people to go into the console and type unbindall

he plays games with his friends and he’s usually the top player so he just spends his time spoiling the shit out of his friends giving them good items carrying them through dungeons etc but not Julian, he tells Julian to dig straight down in minecraft . Julian doesn’t ever know what he’s doing in any video game so Asra trains him wrong on purpose, as a joke

anyway enough about video games (for now)

Asra lives in a van that he painted the exterior of himself, it was both a fun project and a very smug way to annoy people with this awful fucking hippie van strolling into town, eat shit

it’s decorated with crystals, furs, fairy lights, mason jars full of food For The Aesthetic, books, etc. It’s very cozy, cottagecore / bohemian and it’s ridiculously obvious that he’s into witchcraft. he just lets Faust explore because this isn’t real and I can pretend that a snake is exactly as well behaved as in a fantasy story

basically homeless by choice

drugs tw but I see him as the type to want to try anything and everything at least once so if he’s ever been offered A Drug (and he crashes parties for fun and for free food, so he’s got opportunities) he’ll try it Just To See, and this has resulted in some bad trips before, but Muriel saw him in the middle of one and then after he sobered up Muriel put his foot down and made Asra agree to only do these things as responsibly as possible, like, with supervision from a friend

still drugs tw but I also see Asra as a stoner but in the cbd edibles sort of way, a lot of this is because I headcanon Asra as having ADD (because I do and I want to project a little bit) so it helps him focus but also he just Likes It. the glove box of his car has like, chocolate/lollipop edibles stuff like that

goes between like super healthy elaborate meals with mushrooms and veggies and fresh meat and shit and then just eating nothing but cheez-its all day

style wise I see him as the type to wear a lot of tank tops, like, the loosest of tank tops so it hangs super low and long and you get some nice cleavage out of it, crystal necklaces, gold jewelry, pride pins/jewelry/etc (trans/nonbinary/bisexual flags), oversized hoodies with loud colorful patterns, joggers and other loose comfy pants, and either boots or slippers

he’s got like... the at home look that’s basically what I just described, and then the away from home look that’s got thirty layers and none of it makes sense and he just shows up in orange crocs With Patterned Socks and everyone who sees him just lets out the heaviest sigh

Asra getting home be like (takes off a layer of clothes) (takes off a layer of clothes) (takes off a layer of clothes) (takes off a layer of clothes) (takes off a l

He likes to go on long road trips completely at random and saves up money to go on more extensive trips like, out of the continent. It can be really hard to place him at any given time, especially because he’s extremely slow to respond to texts for a whole multitude of reasons. He just fucking vanishes sometimes and he doesn’t get that maybe people want to know where he is. He’s too solitary

He makes money either via street performances (magic, tarot readings, etc) or selling shit on etsy like handmade tarot decks, crystal necklaces, magic charms, etc. He Has Never Worked A Day In His Life and He Will Not Start Now

Responsibility? Don’t know her

People ask him really obnoxious questions sometimes and he makes outlandish lies to tell them for fun . Why do you live in a van? A house killed my parents

In the fall/winter he lives with Muriel or more to the point, he crashes on his couch for a really long time and Muriel’s landlord doesn’t need to know about it for rent purposes

Julian

he’s a highly paid doctor and your mother would love it if you’d marry him if not for the fact that he looks like he never left his teenage emo phase

PIERCINGS

There’s DEFINITELY at least one piercing on his d

he lives with Portia and Mazelinka and tries to handle all their expenses but Mazelinka won’t fucking let him

soundproofed his room but not because he’s a youtuber or anything but because he uh. y’know what I’m gonna let y’all figure this one out on your own

goes to like............. lgbt friendly bdsm clubs every now and then looking for someone to step on him and call him garbage it’s for his mental health you don’t understand

black turtlenecks . silver jewelry . distinguished but Edgy as well, black boots, winklepickers, doc martens, ohmygod this is my SHIT I’m giving him red plaid pants and a reversed cross necklace and a leather jacket that says some radical shit on the back and Lots of Rings . black jeans with tears in the knees and black eyeshadow, demonia boots, leather gloves, hhhhhhOHmy GOD

catch him at home in black leggings and a my chemical romance tshirt with holes in it . he wakes up in the morning with yesterday’s makeup and he just cleans it up a little and that’s good enough

fairly small bedroom because he’s usually never at home, but it’s still pretty clear what he’s into even if it’s not super decorated or elaborate, kind of just Default Room but with his stuff arranged throughout . band posters, black furniture, a bed that looks like a depressed vampire sleeps in it, a bookshelf but most of the books are scattered around his desk, bed, and the floor. there’s a taxidermy skull on display somewhere because it’s just so dramatic you gotta love it

plays a black electric violin

extremely out of tune with pop culture he still listens to 70-00s music and he doesn’t know what a minecraft is or why Asra keeps yelling CREEPER when he comes into the room nor why Portia yells back AW MAN

I googled it and he qualifies as a millennial but I still see him as such a fucking old man who doesn’t know how to use electronics

despite being a doctor he’s so unhealthy . he eats nothing but depression meals (or just, nothing) unless someone forces him to sit down and eat an actual meal . No Julian whiskey does not count for your daily water intake

Malak probably happened because Julian wouldn’t stop feeding every black bird he saw just for the aesthetic and that was like 17 years ago but they still show up at his window expecting almonds or whatever the fuck . he changes houses but they’re too smart . you try to be a cool gothic thespian with a raven that will pose on your arm ONE time when you’re a teenager and they just never stop coming

sad lonely no friends hasn’t been laid in six years because he’s too busy and no longer remembers how to form meaningful relationships. Portia keeps being like so I met this really hot (insert gender here) and like idk I think they’re into goth dudes............... just saying...................... and he’s like am I really so pathetic that I’m going to let my baby sister set up blind dates for me? Yes

would drive something very goth like a hearse or some shit if not for the fact that his family would make sure he ends up in a coffin in the back of it if he drove up in that shit . please . buy a normal fucking car . Julian . oh my god

he starts quoting melodramatic poetry at the slightest inconvenience . he is that “All you did was betray me as I lay sick and festering. You are the definition of dread. My cat stole my fucking garlic bread” meme

been arrested multiple times for general rowdiness but also for political activism . at this point Portia/Mazelinka will just sigh and pay his bail and they don’t even ask what he did this time . how does he still have a job? I wish I knew

theater kid

Muriel

lives in a rundown apartment in the shitty part of town because it’s all he can afford, it’s quiet, and no one will try to visit him (except Asra) because no one wants to go to THAT part of town . but no harm will likely ever befall him because he’s 6′10 and like three million pounds of raw muscle with battle scars like you gonna fuck with that? really?

even if he got robbed it wouldn’t matter because A) he doesn’t own anything B) Inanna will chase the thief away

depression man staying in his quiet rundown dark apartment distracting himself with idle hobbies and taking care of his dog to prevent the encroaching ennui from tearing him a new asshole

changes jobs frequently both because he never stands out therefore never gets taken on full time after the part time trial period, AND to protect himself from the horror of being known

works mostly things like construction, auto repair, dog sitting/walking/etc, woodworking, mostly hard labor but if he can convince granny to let a very scary but completely harmless man look after her bichon frise for the weekend then he’s pretty happy about that

in a similar manner, he orders everything online so cashiers/etc won’t start to recognize him. delivery workers leave everything outside his door and he just drags it inside after they leave like an itazura kitty coin bank

goes camping a lot because staying cooped up in his apartment is super bad for his mental health and he doesn’t like to take walks through the city for a multitude of reasons. he takes Inanna on walks through the woods instead

Asra is his only friend and that’s fine (it’s not fine)

convinced therapy doesn’t work and he wants nothing to do with it

doesn’t like using electronics and only keeps a few things around his house so Asra can use them when he’s around . Muriel has a phone (that Asra got for him) so he can text Asra, check the time, check the weather, google questions, and like, nothing else

pretty much only happy when something is about dogs. he wants to go to the pet store and look at the dogs but he needs Asra to go with him so Asra can distract the workers and Muriel can look at the puppies in peace

dresses in blacks, grays, greens, and browns for the most part, jacket with the hood up, tank tops, dark jeans with tears in them, brown boots with mud stains on them . functional, not particularly stylish, and if he’s going to be in public he doesn’t want to make it easy for anyone to see his face. at home it’s mostly no shirt + sweatpants/joggers/etc. doesn’t accessorize or put in any real effort. he doesn’t care what he looks like (because he’s convinced he’s not much to look at anyway)

lives that super eco friendly life like Asra does but it’s more that he just feels comfortable living like he’s always on a camping trip

he doesn’t want to eat junk like Asra does but if Asra shows up with mcdonalds then well he can’t really say no

the type who uses something until he absolutely cannot use it anymore instead of just buying a new one

has never been to a doctor, dentist, etc Ever. the most he can do is take Inanna to the vet because he loves her so much

drives a very old pickup truck with like, chipped paint and mud stains. he’d take better care of it if only anything in life mattered

didn’t go to school

Portia

I like to think that she took on a groundskeeping job at Nadia’s very expensive large house and they fell in love and now Nadia pays for everything and Portia just spends her time gardening, playing with Pepi, and like idk running a vlogging/gaming youtube channel

200 videos of Pepi on her youtube channel with 4 million views each bare minimum . takes random videos of cats where she has to audio edit it to shit so you can’t hear her high pitched squeals of delight

minecraft let’s play part 30 where her, Asra, Nadia, and Julian play together and it’s extremely chaotic because Asra and Portia decide to gang up on Julian who does NOT know what he’s doing, and then Nadia surprises them all by not being the bigger person and instead tricking Julian into some elaborate trap where he steps on a trapdoor and falls 15 blocks into some lava and he looks up and all he sees is Nadia’s smug fucking avatar looking down at him

nightcore. it’s just not FAST enough

wears sweaters with cats on them. generally dresses in warm colors + brown/green, it’s like a very soft cozy look that you could go camping in or just generally be outside and get grass stains and whatnot. cute, functional

likes to make Julian do things for her like drive her places etc because like, he will. he always will

really likes social gatherings with her friends; sleepovers, beach trips, sitting at mcdonalds and pouring all their fries into a pile etc. tries to get Julian to go with her but he’s Just So BUSY. she makes fun of him and makes him drive her to it, then manages to convince him to stay

cottagecore aesthetic . she just thinks it’s so cute to have the little mason jars and decorate everything with leaves and flowers and BEES and whatnot . would love to live in a little cottage with a farm if she could

her room has a big cat tree in it . green wallpaper with yellow flowers. pressed flowers into books, an extremely cozy bed, fairy lights, it’s very farmy but also there’s a lot of electronics. she’s got a lot of 00s games, like, right in that ps2 sweet spot

nicknames all of her pokemon

she spoils the ever loving shit out of Pepi. She’s got a little cat harness and they go on walks through the park together

I don’t have a lot to say about the other two I Am Sorry

𝐲𝐞𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐰 & 𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐝𝐲 ! this is nai and my cowboy ass is here to throw roxy @ u and also tell u bad jokes and cry over life is strange 2 because i’m still not over this game and I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. just a heads up, i came up with roxy on a whim because this rp just looked so good,  so if it seems like i don’t know what i’m talking about ... it’s most likely the case whoops . ( this is an excuse for me bringing shitty muses ). anyway, my fake cowboy ass loves to ramble so if you’re interested in plotting feel free to LIKE this post or hmu. i forgot to mention that i’m also a fake grandma so idk anything about discord at all and i still need to set it up which will happen in the next few days dsdnsdsdn. 

ps: wanted connections/plots can be find in my wanted tag ( a link is on my blog ) and i’ll also list some below !

EDIT: discord name is nai #7158

 * [ kristine froseth + cis-female + she/her ] —— have you met roxanne ‘roxy’ bailey ? they are a twenty-two year old junior currently studying romance languages and literatures. they live on decker house and word around campus is that this scorpio is compassionate + dedicated, as well as impatient + dishonest. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. 

basics.

full name: roxanne elise bailey

nicknames: roxy, rox

sexual orientation: bisexual

birth place: valencia, spain ( but only lived there for five years ) 

history. 

one could say that roxy had lived an easy life, though her parents weren’t distinguished by their social status, it didn’t mean they lacked money which was enough to support their daughter in whatever she wanted to do.

truth to be told, roxy was indeed a little spoiled, the type of kids who would try all kind of things on the expenses of their parents only to quit a new ‘hobby’ again. she could barely stick to anything. she was some twisted kind of golden child, good at many things but never had the patience to continue something for long enough to cultivate it. 

skipping over the part where she almost tried everything from arts, music etc. she finally found her passion ( and even roxy herself was surprised ). figure skating. she didn’t know what drew her in, she couldn’t explain it, she tried it and it felt right. roxy always describes the feeling as finding a soulmate if she feels extra dramatic that day. 

unsurprisingly, she was good at it. not that kind of good at something she was at all the other things she tried before, but that being good at which stemmed from genuine interest. maybe, that is why she managed to get so far. and it didn’t take too long that people even started to call her a figure skating prodigy. 

at this point at her life, she had it all, spinning the stars on her fingertips ( or warning bad pun ahead: spinning on the ice ). until, well, her parents company was in some crisis and they had to cut corners in the meantime. also oh so ‘conveniently’ roxy lived at the arse end of nowhere and getting to her practices was now even more difficult because as mentioned before they had to save their money for more necessary things. of course, there were more things , small and big, which totally threw her off ( which i am too lazy to list rn).

roxy tried to work part time, but a) the money wasn’t enough b) she didn’t want to cut more hours of training she managed to get. AND well, here comes the turning point and roxy thinking she was oh-so-smart without realizing that it would cost her career. oh-so-smart roxy came up with the idea to , well, just steal some stuff. after all, she trained with many other wealthy peers and she could just sell off their stuff or something. 

at the beginning she only did it to afford certain things she needed, but soon it somehow became an addiction. she felt in control when everyone else in her life was an utter mess. however, the more she took things away from others the more she felt comfortable, doing it more often and sometimes taking things which weren’t even worth that much. it was only a matter of time until she was caught. and as if she was lucky for too long, the person who caught her pressured her into either giving them a hefty sum of money (which she didn’t have) or to quit figure skating. she decided for the latter.

well, here she was and her sudden departure was quite a shock. but she had no choice and stated it was for personal reasons. 

skipping over her being devastated over it, etc. her parents managed to save their company (whatever this company is) but at this point it was already too late and roxy was accepted into holloway. 

right now she actually wants to pick up her figure skating career again, however, she’s too afraid that the blackmailer is going to expose her and also she doesn’t really know who they are (lets pretend they wrote her letters, txt messages >??) and also she’s kind of afraid due to the lack of practice she had .

personality.

okay i’ll keep this short bcs i wrote way too much for her background story. but to sum it up, roxy kind of has that perfect girl facade.  considering how many friends roxy has and how social she appears to be it is odd that no one seems to be able to describe her.  roxy doesn’t want people to know who she truly is, and she keeps her distance as she actively avoids conflicts that might cause her to say something wrong and exposes herself. 

she shields her feelings by only presenting polished version of herself, the facade of the perfect girl: kind, hard-working and polite. someone whose life is easy and someone who looks like she doesn’t have any worries. it doesn’t mean she isn’t anything of that, but it’s not as if her kindness has no bounds or that she doesn’t need to put effort into the things she does. nevertheless, she believes that she must be perfect in order to make people like her. and while, she is pretty good at masking her emotions and smile along, as soon as someone threatens to see past the illusion, she will become defensive and won’t hesitate to lie in order to preserve it.

plots.

best friends: although roxy pretty much keeps her distance from everyone else, this person had always stood by her side. maybe they knew about roxy’s sudden wannabe-thief phase ( which she is still in ) and well tried to talk her out of it ( which obviously didn’t work ). also adding some drama here and maybe they had a big argument over it and distanced from each othr because of it. however, my angst ass doesn’t want to ruin it and they’ll rekindle their friendship. they might meet again at holloway and it’s awkward at first, maybe they even have some arguments but they’ll get over it because everyone loves a good rekindled friendship story.

annoyance: someone who gets under roxy’s skin.seeing past the perfect girl face and constantly calling her out on it. maybe they just have fun annoying her and want to see what she really likes or they just don’t like roxy , thinking that beneath all of this act, she is a really unpleasant person. perhaps, they’re even doing it with good intentions and want to show her that she doesn’t need to hide who she is. whatever it is, they’re determined to expose to the world who she really is. 

pen pal ??:  muse a and roxy had been friends for a very long time, yet the funny thing is that they’ve never met each other nor do they know what the other look like. all they know is their name ( or maybe they only know each other by their usernames ) and their deepest secrets. maybe they already have crossed paths many times and perhaps even know each other but don’t like each other irl. or they never had noticed the other.

blackmailer: BECAUSE WHY NOT??? the person who forced roxy to give up on figure skating. maybe, they were a rival or just didn’t like her, or any other reason. they might as well, have noticed that roxy is secretly training again and might be back at their shit again. 

exes: GIVE ME THE ANGST, maybe muse a and roxy used to be in a serious relationship and as naive they were back then both of them thought this love would last forever. however, at some point roxy started to distance herself from muse a, constantly cancelling their dates because of their busy schedule. at first muse a tried to be understanding towards her, but as time passed things only got worse. roxy hating any kind of conflict just decided to ignore the problem instead about talking about it and eventually stopped replying to muse a messages. muse a never really got to know the real reason behind their break up and was left with unanswered questions. but anything works  

unrequited love: (this is just me throwing in my favourite way to make myself suffer) It doesn’t matter who is the one with the the one sided love because i just want some good angst.a)  muse a has a crush on roxy, yet they never told her about it. yet, muse a can’t hide it and it doesn’t take too long until roxy notices it. but instead of trying to talk to muse a about it, roxy just ignores it acting as she usually does and perhaps even give them false hope that she might like them back. maybe muse a even confessed to her and because roxy didn’t want to hurt them she told muse a she’d think about it.

b) roxy has a crush on muse a but doesn’t admit it. she doesn’t want to show their vunerable side and just plays it down. maybe they’re friends and roxy doesn’t want to lose another friend. but one day she confesses to muse a on accident, making everything awkward between them.

someone she stole from: idk i thought this would be fun ? maybe she confessed to them about it or maybe they caught her but decided to not confront her about it.

fan: someone who used to watch her perfomances on their tv and is still not over the fact that she quit.

i also have a connection page on my blog if these are too specific or none of these work 

i’m too tired to come up with more dsdsdnjsd but gimme everything !! THE ANGST, FLUFF, DRAMA PLS!!! 

We need to talk about Kit

or “a rant that some of my friends could probably recite by heart but I love them for just nodding and pretending this is brand new information”

Kit’s death always seemed pointless to me. As a kid reading The End for the first time, I didn’t accept that it was at all necessary or logical for Kit to die. It made no sense, even with my middle school science education. 

It wasn’t until I read the books as an adult that I realized what was actually going on, and why Kit’s death only makes me more angry the more I think about it.

Please note that this meta will discuss some things that some people might not be Gucci with, so if you’re not comfortable reading about death wishes, suicides, and potential birth defects, emergency c-sections, and sad outcomes, scroll on. 

I am assuming by now that you have decided that you’re okay with discussing certain unpleasant topics in a casually academic sense. Sweet. I like sharing my thoughts on this topic. 

Kit’s decision to not accept the apple hybrid and choose to die does not make any scientific sense. Whatsoever. It is a medically indefensible opinion, ethically indefensible, and just scientifically completely and utterly wrong. 

"The apples will harm the baby," Kit said. "There's something in the hybrid that's bad for people who haven't been born yet. That's why your mother never tasted one of her own bitter apples. She was pregnant with you, Violet." One of Kit's gloved hands drifted down over the top of the raft and patted the hair of the eldest Baudelaire. "I hope I'm half as good a mother as yours was, Violet," she said. (13.13)

This is just so wrong. Absolutely wrong. For so many reasons. 

Lets start with the very idea of the scientific method, something that most people are familiar with, and Kit certainly would be as well! Kit is a woman in STEM. She helped build the Queequeg - and the ship actually works. What’s more, she writes like a woman who is extremely familiar with science inquiry, scientific ethics, and scientific scholarship. Her letter to Gregor reads a lot like the letters exchanged between scientists and researchers:

'The poisonous fungus you insist on cultivating in the grotto will bring grim consequences for all of us. Our factory at Lousy Lane can provide some dilution of the mycelium's destructive respiratory capabilities, and you assure me that the mycelium grows best in small, enclosed spaces, but this is of little comfort. One mistake, Gregor, and your entire facility would have to be abandoned. Please, do not become the thing you dread most by adopting the destructive tactic of our most villainous enemies: playing with fire.’ (11.10)

Kit is using scientific language. She implies that she may be involved in working on an antidote. The “our” could just refer to VFD, since she generally speaks about the Volunteers and a lot of other people who were not Volunteers as her associates, generally speaking about VFD in the collective - as if the accomplishments of any Volunteer are the property of the whole group. It’s not clear. But you’ve got a scientific lady, talking about science, who therefore it is safe to assume would know what I’m about to discuss.

The absence of evidence is not proof. Just because Beatrice didn’t try out her own hybrid, that doesn’t mean that that’s proof that it causes any harm. That’s not how modern science works. Besides, why would Beatrice test out the apples? There was no Mycelium on the island. Testing out her hybrid would be completely pointless. You cannot see whether or not an antidote works without also using the poison. That’s the equivalent of taking someone who doesn’t have cancer, giving them a glass of orange juice, and then declaring that orange juice cures cancer because the test subject doesn’t have cancer after drinking the orange juice. It’s shitty science. It doesn’t prove anything. Beatrice’s reasons for not testing out her hybrid have a lot more to do with just knowing what makes good science and what doesn’t. 

So, Kit’s basically just saying BS. 

And in any case, there is no scientific evidence that I can find using search engines of scientific journals (thank you NCBI’s PubMed!) that have found any harmful effects of horseradish, wasabi, or apples on pregnancy. There’s some anecdotal evidence on Mommy blogs that it might make your milk taste funny if you eat horseradish, but Kit wouldn’t even be able to make milk at this point, so she doesn’t even have that excuse. (I will allow that maybe in the ASOUE-verse, there is some toxic substance that somehow exists in the hybrid, but as you will see, that doesn’t actually matter.)

Now we arrive at the subject of teratogens - aka substances that can cause birth defects in infants. The most famous example of this is the infamous Thalidomide. Thalidomide is an interesting compound - it’s kind of a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde molecule. In its Dr. Jekyll form, it’s a good sedative and helped a lot of pregnant women with their morning sickness. But, a good part of the time, Thalidomide is in its Mr. Hyde form. And Mr. Hyde likes interfering with the development of limbs. But, not everyone who took Thalidomide for morning sickness wound up with babies who were miscarried or developed birth defects - less than half did. Why? Excellent question that prompted a lot of public health work by a lot of really smart scientists and journalists. Their investigative work revealed a major tenant of teratology: Timing matters. Women who took any dose of Thalidomide 34-50 days into their pregnancy (from last menstrual period) were the ones with babies at risk for developing birth defects. Taken after that time, the babies limbs were already developed enough so that the drug had no effect on their limbs. 

I describe this case study to highlight a few points. Gestation progresses in a very predictable order at very predictable times. A substance could be lethal at week 4, but harmless at week 6 because the developmental processes going on at those times are different. Pregnancies are most vulnerable to teratogens during weeks 3-8. This is when limbs are forming and major processes can be derailed. Before, during the first two weeks, there’s the “all or none” phase, where either the exposure will kill the zygote/embryo or the baby will be fine with know ill effects. There are a lot of women who drink before they realize they are pregnant and then go into their Ob’s office worried they’ll have harmed the baby. If that drinking happened during the all or none phase, the doc can usually reassure the patient that her baby will be fine since she is still pregnant. After week 8, fetuses have are pretty much just fine-tuning structures that already exist. Drugs, infections, toxins, etc. that a pregnant woman consumes will have less and less of an effect as the weeks pass. 

By the time of birth, a full-term infant is as susceptible to a teratogen as a newborn is. In fact, the greatest teratogen of them all (the dreaded alcohol) was sometimes given to women in labor - whether to delay preterm labor (there are now more effective drugs to do this) or to act as sedation (again, now there are better drugs)! 

Beatrice 2, as her mother is in labor, was therefore at extremely, extremely low risk of having any negative consequences because her mother took the cure. In fact, with her mother dying during labor, Beatrice was at a greater risk of death without the cure! Emergency C-sections, especially when done by inexperienced people in unsanitary environments, can harm and kill the newborn. Mothers can die not leaving enough time to save the baby, who suffocates. The baby can be positioned in such a way that delivering them is difficult and should only be attempted by a skilled surgeon. Kit, who knew that she would die within an “hour” because of the Mycelium, was putting Beatrice at much, much, much greater risk of death by refusing to take the cure. 

Kit wasn’t that far into labor when she refused to take the cure (stage 1) and it took hours before Beatrice was born - Kit was lucky that she was exposed to a low dose, otherwise Beatrice would not have made it. The Baudelaires are smart, and I don’t doubt that Klaus and Violet could figure out a way to get Beatrice out, but unless Klaus did a surgical rotation between THH and TE, there was no way he would have been able make the incision safely. Take it from someone in medical school - cutting into a person is very, very hard and it’s way too easy to screw it up. The sheer trauma alone probably would have been too much for any of the Baudelaires. Their hands would be shaking, they’d be using improper tools. Not a recipe for success. 

Handler might not be a scientist and he does choose to ignore science at times for the sake of plot, but he’s not completely ignorant. And more importantly Handler makes it clear through Kit’s behavior that her sudden refusal to take anything that could harm the baby isn’t all it seems to be. 

Kit risks Beatrice’s life many time, and exposes her to known teratogens. In just one of the three books we see her in Kit:

Drives recklessly, and acknowledges that she probably shouldn’t be driving that way, but the “I probably shouldn’t do that” is an afterthought for Kit. She’s more focused on her mission than her pregnancy. (12.1). 

Similarly, Kit waterskis at night for the sake of her mission (12.10). That is incredibly dangerous for even a non-pregnant person! And she does this twice! She could have stayed with Captain Widdershins, but instead: Kit “waterski[s] toward Captain Widdershins, and, later, waterski[s] away from him” (12.10). Two extremely dangerous trips, one of which happens during the 2-3am period. That’s taking on a lot of risk that probably could have been avoided. There are boats. There is sonar. Kit did not have to do something this dangerous. But, she does. 

Kit already has exposed her baby to a known teratogen! Caffeine. It’s been known to cross the placenta since 1955 (PMID: 13260344)! In the early 1970s, you can find many articles discussing its teratogenic effects! (PMID: 4737491). There are at least 1300 articles I could find about pregnancy and caffeine on PubMed, and while it’s not universally agreed upon as to what is a safe level of caffeine or what are the exact risks, there is a general sentiment that pregnant women should avoid caffeine if they’re worried about potential risks. But, here we have Kit Snicket drinking not one, but two cups of coffee in quick succession at the breakfast picnic (”[Kit] reached to pour herself some more coffee” 12.2). Kit had the option to either not drink anything or choose tea or juice - “three glass pitchers held three different kinds of juice, and there were silver pots containing coffee and tea” - but she chooses the most caffeinated and therefore most risky option  and gets seconds (12.2). Odds are, those weren’t the first two cups of coffee she had while pregnant. (And before you say “ah, but what if the Denouement brother who laid out the picnic gave her decaf coffee!”, decaf is not caffeine free!) 

Kit has been taking significant risks while pregnant, including exposing her baby to something that is a known teratogen. Kit deciding to die solely because the cure could harm her baby is out of character. The benefits clearly outweighs the risk, and a woman who was willing to do far riskier things earlier is not thinking about what harm could come to her child. 

Obviously, something else is going on. 

Kit Snicket wanted to die. 

Yep. You read it here, folks. Kit Snicket committed suicide. She knew that she would die if she didn’t take the cure. She was distraught and broken, and she completely gave up. 

At first, it’s a decision that’s based on doubt and guilt. Kit confesses that she isn’t sure she will be a good mother because she believes she has failed the Baudelaires. Kit wasn’t sure that she could be forgiven for her failings - by the Baudelaires or Dewey. And guilt is a major warning sign when it comes to suicide. Feeling completely guilty and perhaps believing that her death will somehow make it easier for everyone to forgive her, Kit refuses to take the apple. She would rather face death than the consequences of her failings - and that’s something that people have killed themselves over. Non-depressed people have taken their own lives because of this feeling. It’s worth noting that with Olaf, Kit is the one who brings up forgiveness - an excellent example of projection! Kit sees her own motives in Olaf’s actions, even if Olaf doesn’t seem to care about being forgiven. 

The guilt is strong with this one. 

Her resolution to die only grows stronger as time goes on. 

Finding out Dewey is dead destroys her. She announces that “[she] cannot go on” (13.13). Kit gives up absolutely. She feels guilty, feels like she’s let everyone down, and she has lost everything. The only future she has in front of her is one where she’s stuck on an island with three kids and an infant and Count Olaf (she doesn’t know he’s dying at that point). She doesn’t feel like she has anyone to go back to. She doesn’t want to live in that future. And she then exhibits even more suicidal red flags.

Kit gives away her possessions. She tells the Baudelaires to give the ring that was hers properly to her child. She decides that she’s going to leave the raising of her infant to two teenagers and a toddler (to be fair, I’d pick the Baudelaires over Olaf as a guardian for my kid), and that “[she] could not ask for better” since the orphans “will raise this child as [their] own” (13.13). 

Kit allows herself to die. Period. 

Kit decides that she’d rather die than face the future. Her daughter is not enough reason for her to go on. Kit committed suicide, leaving children responsible for the welfare of another child. 

That is such a shitty thing to do. 

Depression and losing hope is completely understandable, but Kit’s decision is 100% a selfish one, and it’s reflective of a larger trend in her behavior. Kit does what is best for herself and her cause. It doesn’t matter to her whether or not innocent people suffer as a result of her actions. That’s what VFD raised her to do. 

Creepslayerz Week - Day 6 -Fluff vs Angst

Sooo I have a few of these that I was unable to finish / never posted. I worked on mostly original stuff this weekend but I’m hoping to feel the inspiration to get a chapter up before the premier of 3 Below.

So read on, enjoy, I hope to hear from people either about this or my fic “For my glory, where do I stand”

(Side bar: I do have a pillowfort bc yikes this tumblr purge...)

I really would like to expand on this further (and it’s a quick oneshot, please forgive typeos etc, you guys know I don’t have a beta).

Tuesday. Thursdays. Saturday mornings. Sunday nights. Four days a week Steve Palchuk faced his past. The first time outweighed the in terms of fear. The first time, an accident saved Steve’s ass and damned him every day since.

  The first time, a Saturday morning, Elijah Pepperjack came into the coffee shop. Steve had recently switched shifts, explaining why he had never seen him before. His victim from high school, a living memory of the man he used to be. Eli, smiling, set his bag in a corner spot. The best seat in the house had been unusually open. Elijah claimed it like his throne. At the counter, he gave Steve a look. He adjusted his glasses and did a quick glance as his nametag.

 “Argentina.” Elijah did not ask, he simply said. He nodded and said the name again, “Argentina, can I get a caramel macchiato, hot, with almond milk? Extra caramel, no whip cream?” He spoke slow and timed it to Steve typing in his request. Eli was a regular, making Steve feel like a new customer. His fingers fumbled and Eli spoke slower and smiled with patience waiting to have it confirmed.

 Steve asked, “Anything else?” He forced a smile. He was not new at this, dammit! He was a surprisingly competent barista! He was just taken back how easily Eli accepted his nametag. It was not his own, but instead a coworker’s, fondly known as Arrrghh!!!! They had a second badge made, no one knew who Argentina was. Staff and guests alike only knew them as Arrrghh!!! Steve, having forgot his badge at home (or under a rock for all he knew) grabbed the long forgotten tag in the back. Elijah did not question it and Steve became unknown. In that moment they met without history.

 “Eli,” Steve called out his name. Was it the first time? Three years since graduation. Three years since he said, “see you later buttsnack” for the foreseeable last time. How long had they shared the same university? Every day of the week, not just the four he saw Elijah, Steve wondered and looked for traces of his old acquaintance. Their school was large, students were a number. Steve got in on scholarship, football. He did not doubt Elijah had gotten a hell of a scholarship on his own. He smart as ever—a quick glance at his laptop while picking up plates cemented the thought. His screen was all numbers, calculations and formulas going right over his head.

 Why had he not appreciated that growing up?

“Thanks, Argentina.” Steve had to keep wearing the badge. He kept it in his pocket, switching it out when Elijah came. He arrived on the same schedule, his routine was horrifyingly predictable. Eli had not changed, which bothered Steve even more. He could recognize Eli, was he so unrecognizable? Steve still had blonde hair, a stunning jaw, he was cocky, and proud and had muscles.

 The reason came to Steve on a Saturday night. The football games and practice. Spring Fling King Steve, would only ever be near the field during the season. To practice and to play. There was no way Steve, his bully Steve, would be caught dead anywhere else. Especially the biggest game of the season, homecoming and he was working as a barista. Most games, he’d be there, but everyone had plans. Steve talked to his coach, there was some debate but ultimately he said yes.

 Business was slow, even nerds were at the game, it was a grand tradition. Steve cleaned tables and folded napkins keeping himself busy. Nothing was enough to stop haunting thoughts. His shoulder ached and no amount of rolling would soothe them. A complete tricep tear had put Steve out of commission. His first surgery, his freshman year went well. He could not believe that shitty luck but pressed on. He came back hot and stronger than ever. Until the last game of Sophomore year. Steve had made it to the A-team. There was no ache that could stop him. His sweat and blood forced him to go on and on. He would be number one. He would be captain senior year—he would get sacked that game and let out a cry that turned every head.

 His doctor never gave him the go ahead to return to the game. His life was over. There was so very few people who would understand, so few who could pull him back. He stopped going to class. He stopped planning for what was going to happen next. Then, of the very few, he came. Captain Draal. A goofy big guy, with a serious switch that kept you on edge. Steve had complete respect for his senior, especially when he learned he was openly gay. As a freshmen who recently figured out he was bi, he was an idol. Steve had not been ready to come out though he almost did after hearing a story about Draal whooping a linebackers ass, off school grounds. Officially on the school record, the dispute had been settled with words. Draal was an inspiration for the teachers. Gay Athlete solves confrontation with civil words. Unofficially the kicker texted QB Draal with details, seeing the guy in his neighborhood, at a friend’s party. Draal showed up and threw down. Rumor went, he said if he ever heard him call anyone the F-word  again he’d wish it would be a dick being shoved down his throat.

 Draal was a king. He was the only one to tell Steve he heard how impressed his psyche teachers were with him. That he talked to the counselor about a new sports scholarship. He went from player to counselor. Steve the asshole was becoming Steve the shoulder.

 Working the slow night in the café was horrible. He could hear only an echo of Draal saying, “You’re still going to be great.” Steve asked, “Could I have been captain?” The words yes never hurt so much. How the fuck was he going to help counsel when he still had not gotten over himself?

 “Argentina?” A voice asked, concerned and soft as a mouse.

 Steve was standing at an empty table, his once wet rag dry from the circles he’d been wiping in.

 “Elijah, shit, sorry Pepperjack.” The words came out quicker than either of them could process. Eli shook his head, his brain firing off.

 “Pepperjack?”

 “Your last name.”

 Elijah, turned from his awkward angle at his lone table and faced Steve head on. He watched carefully and pointedly looked at his nametag. “I never told you that.” He was sure of himself, sure as Steve was that he’d been waiting for a moment like this.

 “Didn’t have to.” Weeks of watching and pretending had become exhausting. Arrgghh!!! Was getting annoying, annunciating Argentina everytime they called his name. Constantly saying, “You’ll get his number quicker if you just stop staring.”

 Psych 101, bullying is a form of interpersonal aggression. It is a group phenomenon with social factors contributing and perpetuating different contexts. His first psych class had been to fill a requirement. His teacher however inspired him. Steve took the material and had a true self reflecting moment. He didn’t have the badge to diagnosis himself and did not think he could ever commit to medical school to really get the degree for psychologist. But there was something. Something calling and sticking out. It started when he picked himself apart.

 Why did he harass Elijah Pepperjack? He was strange. He was his own person. He was quiet. A nerd. He was cute. Steve liked it when he raised his hand because no one else volunteered. Seeing him pout made Steve’s chest swell. But. There were environmental factors that made him noticing everything wrong. At the time, he wanted to beat the affection out. Unable to stop himself, he chose to stop Elijah. He tormented the kid because Steve could never face himself.

 Arrgghh!!! Was not wrong. He could get Elijah’s number a lot quicker if he texted Claire, she was on a study abroad trip and was always checking her email. He could even text Jim. They were never close but had a strange bond from some supernatural adventures. He would never text Toby, Domsalski would turn around and text Elijah, Jim, and Claire with a big OH MY GOD.

 Asking would be easier, if he did not have to keep up being Argentina. But being anyone else meant instantly being shut down.

 “Hey,” The voice pipped up again, “Are you okay?” Qualms of the last name were put to the back burner. Steve shook his head. No! It was homecoming night and he was not on the field! He did not even have a date to the dance because the girl he thought he liked he called it off with. For the past three weeks, every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday he’d been thinking about a four eyes. He was right back under his skin and he was just as angry as he had been as a kid.

 “No.” Steve’s reply was clipped and curt. Elijah darted from chair to chair around the café, empty, he gestured to the seat across from him and his laptop. Steve left his rag on the table and took the seat, apparently he left his stomach there too. His gut twisted and turned, knotting on nothingness. Why did this feel like an interview that he lied to get in to? Five years experience required? Sure!

 “So…” Elijah closed his computer and drummed on the lid. The click-click drawing too much attention, he instead fidgeted with his hoodie sleeves, already frayed with years of panic. Steve watched the stickers on the laptop lid as they went down. He learned three fundamental things at the exact same time. First, despite his original findings, Elijah was still into the supernatural. There were three glow-in-the-dark ghost stickers in one corner and a Torchwood emblem at the very center. Second, what was a Creepslayerz and why were there three stickers of the same kind? Third, he needed to say something. Elijah was polite as ever, giving time to the world around while seeking none for himself.

 Silence was getting him nowhere. His counselor encouraged him to make his voice heard. He encouraged players on the team to stand up for what they believed in. Their focus needed to be on the game, not a lie. “Listen Elijah,” Steve did not need to draw his company’s attention. Nothing had been stealing his focus.

 “Do you remember a guy in high school, an ass. Totally handsome. Totally a jerk. Went by Steve, well his name was Steve—is Steve.” He fumbled over his own words, his lie already getting in the way of his focus. The lead did not require much inspiration, Elijah was smart, he didn’t need things to be laid out. A string pulled up on Elijah’s shoulders. His bully, hateful and impractical was supposed to be working in a car shop in Arcadia-Oaks. Not in a coffee shop on a game night. Not looking awkward in a dim light.

 “Steve?” Elijah was not sure. How could he! They looked a lot, of course, he thought Steve was Steve the first cup of coffee the other had made. The name tag was the deal breaker. Elijah could breathe knowing his past was behind him. His arm closed around his stomach, rubbing his side. His past was in front of him.

 “Yeah.”

 Steve’s past was in front of him.

 Steve actually said it! He was the nightmare. He was real. This night fucking sucked. Why not get it all out at once? His knee bounced, Elijah had to say something. Bastard. Why are you here? You ruined my life!

 Silence.

 Elijah locked up, reconciling the worlds.

 He stared and Steve read his thoughts. “I can’t play football anymore.” His shoulders sank at the confession. It hurt telling his mother, his coach, strange how it hurt telling a stranger. Arcadia-Oaks knew Steve to be the man. He posted on Instagram and Facebook constantly with updates and accomplishments. That was before the accident. He let everyone assume he was swept up in college magic, too busy to post. Eli too, had been under that spell.

 “It’s hard.” He answered for him. “And…I’m sorry, dude.” He laughed tight and forced. What had he belittled Eli about? A nerd unable to play ball? This was fucking Karma. “I’m sorry.” The apology came quicker and heavy, taking several breathes from him. “I’m really, fucking sorry.” He called Elijah a cocksucker. All his fears and denials were easy to beat on someone smaller. He couldn’t fight a thought, but he could terrorize a human.

 “Steve, hey man, that’s history. Are-” His lips flapped closed, Elijah nearly asked the same question. Steve was not okay, not even alright. Elijah had time to recover, distance between them had shown him the greatness that awaited him. Hours away from Arcadia was practically the other side of the world. Yet here Steve was, just on the other side of campus.

 “Are you busy tonight?” Elijah asked the unaskable. Steve gawked. Was he hearing him right?

 “What?”

 “What?” Elijah repeated, “I’d like to catch up. With Steve, not Argentina.”

 Warmth bubbled in the back of Steve’s throat. Elijah was always this good, once it made him hate him! Now he wanted his number even more. What sort of person could face their once bully head on? Steve looked at his watch, Elijah’s eyes were too much. They scrutinized and wondered.

“In two hours.”

“Cool. I’ll have my homework done by then.”

“Cool.”

It was not cool, busying himself around the shop, around Elijah. Any by standers wandering in he hoped they steered clear of Eli’s section. He didn’t want to go over and clean up. No way Elijah would mind, it was part of Steve’s job! But Steve minded. He minded a lot. It was too soon, what were they supposed to talk about? Eli’s favorite drink? The way Steve switched between hearts and smiley faces on the dot over the I? He wanted to be obvious. He wanted Elijah’s number—all when he was someone else. Argentina. Not Palchuk.

 Steve joined Elijah outside, wearing a burgundy school hoodie. The Batman symbol glowed on Elijah’s chest. Adorable. Perfect. His eyes flicked away, Elijah moving the straps on his backpack had to be a signal. “So,” What was he supposed to say.

 “Creepslayerz?” Steve had noticed the decal before, he had not realized there were three. All the same exact font.

 “My band.” Elijah grinned, he started them walking ahead, following the sidewalks under the yellow street lights.

 “You have a band? You, Elijah Pepperjack?” In high school Elijah had been into theatre. They bumped shoulders when Steve applied for the leading role—just for a kiss—more of anything to piss Jim off.

 “I do. I help write music. We actually have a light show,” Elijah pointed to himself. His shoulders rocked from side to side, a proud shuffle. “Designed that myself. Helps working as a stage hand for the school plays.” Steve could see that. The technical stuff, he doubted the band had much ground to it, but what would Elijah be able to do with a real budget?

 “So you help write the music? You don’t preform…?”

 “Sometimes. But Krel is really the face of the band. Aja too. She’s our hypeman.” Dancer, number one fan, Krel’s sister so she might as well be in the band. Her position only stayed unofficial to prevent a guilt trip commitment. Aja was president of the robotics club and treasurer of the international club. Her time was divided and the duo didn’t want to keep her.

 “Claire inspire you, huh?”

 Elijah pulled a tight face. Not really, Claire was great and they were on similar paths but completely different styles. He hadn’t talked to her in ages.

 “Krel and Aja though, huh?”

 “Transfer students from Cantalupa.”

 “Well that sounds made up.”

 “Yeah well, I think Krel makes up a lot of things. Then makes it real when you’re not looking, so I just go with it.” His smile grew, his eyes looked beyond one foot in front of the other, a place of fondness. A place where Steve wasn’t.

 “You two close?”

 “Yeah, I mean, we’re friends. Roommates freshman year, roommates now.”

 Steve nodded. He missed out on three years, four years before that, and more before that. “How come you’re not in the paranormal club?”

 Elijah looked to Steve, a grin growing, “you know I’m not?”

 “Well. I just. I’m in it so—”

 “You? You’re in it?” Elijah shook his head, no way! Not Steve!

 Steve grinned, doubt, everyone doubted that fact. “Yes way, Eli. I like. The spooky shit. The strange. All the junk you used to go on and on about.”

 “You’re serious?”

 “As the plague.”

 Elijah covered his mouth, his smile too big for a lame joke.

 “Why? You didn’t believe in it, do you now?”

 “Aliens? No. Chupacabras—we’ve had some heated discussions and have come to agree they’re racoons. Which, then they say Aliens are real. They’re left by aliens. I just say the Chupa—” Steve reeled himself in. He straightened his shoulders and quickened his walk. “Ghosts, yeah.”

 “Trolls?” Elijah’s stride double to meet Steve’s walk.

 “Haven’t met one yet.” Steve looked at him, letting the suggestion sink in.

 “So you’ve seen a ghost?”

 “Mhm. Well. I mean other than you tonight.” Another lame joke, Steve’s laugh was tight and Elijah’s exuberant.

 “That is so wicked cool! Are you guys going on any hunts?” He bounced up and down, hopping in front of Steve, completely serious.

 “Are you serious?”

 Elijah nodded and tugged on his backpack.

 “I mean yeah, it’s October. We always get fair-weather attendees so you coming won’t be a problem.”

 He groaned and spun on his feet, he couldn’t believe the club was active! Discussions and ghost hunts! “I never joined because I joined international club, thanks to Krel and Aja. Then there was the band, I got a job at one of the computer labs.” Matching his schedule to a half-interested club where he’d be nitpicked was not on the to-do list. College was going to be the change, no longer the nerd hiding in the closet. Really, he’d been missing on the chance to share his passion.

 “Alright, okay, so you’ll invite me?” Eli let his words hands, his hands wiggled a neon green phone case. Oh. Oh—shit! He was about to score the number, “Um-uh,” He stuttered, smiling and laughing at himself. His hands patted his front pockets, his back and dipped into his hoodie pockets.

 “Phew,” His phone stuck against his hand, he was actually sweating. “What’s your number?” He typed as quick as he sent Elijah a text. Immediately Elijah replied with a ‘got it!’ Not like Steve was literally standing there.

 ‘Dork’ Steve texted.

 ‘Thought you were more of a butt-snack type of guy?’ Elijah watched Steve read, smirking when his lips curled into a smile.

 “Okay, now we’re getting into full sentences. I can’t walk and type.”

 “We’re standing still,” Elijah gestured around them. “Wow Steve, first night back together and already leaving me hanging? Impressive.”

 ‘Now you’re a butt snack’ He added an emoji of a peach, Elijah bumped their shoulders together. “I’m kidding.”

(And here finally goes my hogwarts au. The description below is for the whole fic, in the future I’ll be posting charters without it)

Title: Magic of insanity

Author: arnold-layne

Fandom: Harry Potter universe, Motley Crue, occasionally Guns N’ Roses, W.A.S.P., Led Zeppelin and some other bands

Characters: Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee, Vince Neil, Mick Mars, Blackie Lawless, Jimmy Page, etc.

Genre: slash

Rating: Adult content (specifically for some episodes which I’ll mark)

Warning: contains ust, angst, descriptions of violence, underage, obscene language

Description: Nikki Sixx is a sixth-year Hogwarts student with unhealthy high interest in Dark Arts, sex and weed and unhealthy low interest in studying. At first the new school year seems to him just as usual as all previous years had been, but oh, how mistaken he is...

Charter 1.

Word count: 1548

Putting on heels was a mistake, realised Nikki, standing in front of a subway entrance and looking hopelessly at the endless stairs leading under the ground. Not that he hadn’t faced this obstacle before - when you are a London lower-class misfit, subway is usually the only mean of transportation you can afford, - but he definitely didn’t have to carry a huge and hella heavy trunk with him then. The opportunity of calling a taxi was still tempting, but he remembered that if he wasted his money now, he would have nothing left for the trip to Hogsmeade, and shrugged the thought off. Then Nikki tightened his grip on a trunk’s handle and started his long journey down.

There were a few free seats in the train, but after Nikki noticed that not a single one of them was near some pretty girl or guy, he preferred to remain on his feet. As always, he’s got his share of sidelong glances and scowls, but now he wasn’t sure if it was because of his appearance or an enormously huge trunk with something obviously moving inside… oh shit, his igneous lizards must have found their way out of the jar, he realised. He gotta put them back, or his clothes will turn into ashes by the time he arrives to Hogwarts, thought Nikki with horror. Or at least start smelling like smoke, which was no good either.

Once a woman’s voice announced his station, Nikki hurried out of the train only to realise that the stairs down wasn’t even an problem comparing to what he had to face now – the way up.

Ten minutes later, sweaty and out of breath, he finally reached King’s Cross and slipped through the barrier after some family with a visibly shaking first-year whom his parents had almost to carry through the wall because he refused to walk with his own feet. When you were his age you were no better, reminded Nikki himself, but still couldn’t help chuckling. He wasn’t that confused and scared first-year anymore; he was surrounded by wizards, young and old, weirdly dressed or almost indistinguishable from Muggles, and that – that finally was what he really belonged to. Almost nobody stared at him now, assuming, maybe, that he just mistook men’s clothing shop with women’s. It can happen with anybody, though, these Muggles have such weird fashion!

He noticed Tommy almost instantly, for he was towering over the crowd, having almost reached 6’ at his incomplete fifteen years. The boy’s gonna be taller then Nikki in the future, thought he with slight annoyance, but when Tommy noticed him and waved enthusiastically, all his annoyance disappeared. Nikki pushed his way through the crowd, using his trunk as a ram, and only when he approached him, he realised that Tommy was not alone here – of course, his family had come to see him off, just like all normal families do.

Even though they’ve been friends for about four years by now, it was the first time he met Tommy’s family. His mother, as he expected, was thin and beautiful, even after having two kids and god-knows-how-many miscarriages, and Nikki caught himself on not a very friendly thought that he would fuck her if he had a chance. Well, it was no wonder, she was Miss Greece once, remembered he. His sister Athena, a shy fourth-year girl, took after her mother and in the future was going to become just as beautiful. But now she was just a clumsy teenager with acne problems, and only her long wavy hair, just a little longer than Tommy’s, gave that away.

And there was his father. He looked strangely small near his son, and Nikki had to remind himself that 5’9’’ for a man is not that bad, but that didn’t give Tommy any advantage. They wore almost identical suits, but Tommy looked in it so awkwardly that it was obvious he’s been forced to wear it, whereas his father wore it with dignity, even loftiness; Tommy’s hair, even in ponytail, looked like a mop, whereas his father’s haircut looked so neat you couldn’t find a hair sticking out even if you tried; Tommy, always being the tallest, used to slouch a lot, and his father’s proud posture could belong to a member of a royal family. Nikki disliked him immediately.

“Mum, father, - said Tommy with tense, his eyes fixed on him, looking both anxious and hopeful, - meet Nikki”

The moment of shocked silence followed. Tommy’s mother raised her eyebrows in astonishment, and it was noticeable that only her manners prevented her from openly staring at him; however, she nodded gracefully and said amazingly polite, not giving away her emotions even at slightest, “Nice to meet you, Nikki”. He smiled warmly to her as an answer.

“So that’s the young gentleman who Thomas calls his best friend” said his father, squinting his eyes contemptuously and somehow managing to look down upon Nikki, even being a few inches shorter. But even his icy, disdainful tone didn’t manage to make Nikki feel diminished – in fact, it did otherwise, because now he was going to act as ill-behaved as he could, throwing away all that was left from his almost non-existent manners. He caught Tommy’s eye and winked almost unnoticeably – don’t worry, it’ll be alright. “Or should I say «young lady»?” his father continued sarcastically, obviously referring to Nikki’s four inches high heels. Putting them on definitely weren’t a mistake.

“I’m sorry that me wearing heels makes you question my sex” said Nikki, on purpose distorting his slight American accent to an almost unrecognizable level. “But nobody before you had a problem with that” he wasn’t even trying to hide mocking intonations in his voice, “mr. Lee”. Tommy glanced at him with both admiration and fear written on his face.

Mr. Lee’s face whitened with rage. “Well, all these people must have been not of a smart kind” he managed to keep his voice calm when he answered. “I’m quite surprised that you were placed in such honorable house as Slytherin. It seems the Sorting Hat does make mistakes sometimes”.

“Oh, I don’t think so”, Nikki pretended not to notice the hint. “I’m sure it suits me just right”.

“Then, sadly, Slytherin is not what it used to be back in my days” said mr. Lee, pursing his lips. “Anyway, I shall get to the point now, as the train leaves in ten minutes. Thomas is on his fifth year now, which means he’s going to pass his Ordinary Wizarding Level examinations this year. I do hope his results will live up to his family’s standards, but, considering how poor they were before, he’ll have to work hard. I’ve already arranged with some of the teachers, who I happen to know personally, that they’ll take care of him, so there’s only one problem remained: your so-called friendship”

Tommy winced behind mr. Lee’s back. This definitely wasn’t the first time he had to listen to all this - and if mr. Lee decided to talk to Nikki personally, then all these attempts obviously were in vain.

“I’m not going to mention how destructive, scandalous and disreputable I consider it to be…” mr. Lee went on, but Nikki interrupted him.

“You just did that”

“Did what?” mr. Lee was slightly confused, maybe more because he didn’t expect that someone would actually dare to interrupt him than because he forgot what he just said.

“Mentioned that. About our terrible, destructive… how’d you say? – disreputable - friendship. Very nice description indeed, I’ve heard worse”

“How dare you…” started mr. Lee indignantly, but at that moment Hogwarts Express whistled, signaling that there were only five minutes left before departure, and he had to put off the rant about Nikki’s bad manners. “Alright, we don’t have much time left. Thomas, Athena, get on the train now, and I shall have a quick word with mr. Feranna”

Tommy gave him a supporting look and took both his and Nikki’s trunks to get on the train which seemed to irritate his father a lot, though he had to hold back his opinion on that.

“It’s not Feranna anymore” said Nikki “it’s Sixx”

“Nevermind. Well, I’ve heard you’re quite good in certain school subjects so I hope you’re smart enough to understand the importance of my words. I ask you kindly and politely to leave my son alone once and for all. Your friendship does only bad for him, he doesn’t study, doesn’t think of his future, of his family’s honour, even of his inheritance, which is unacceptable. If you back off him, I’ll be quite grateful and maybe even drop a hint to some high-ranking wizards in the Ministry about one gifted student from Slytherin… if not, I shall warn you that I’ll have to take certain actions”

The train whistled one more time. Somebody shouted “Hurry up!”, but Nikki took his time to answer.

“I shall say” answered he finally, “that it’s only Tommy’s business who to be friends with, not mine and definitely not yours. And it’s only up to Tommy to decide, what’s more important to him: friendship or your O.W.L.s and your shitty inheritance. See ya, mr. Lee” and he jumped into the train that already started to move.

 beneath the cut is a copy paste version of harley’s timeline as i’ve sorted for this blog and my rp purposes - it is super choppy and unfinished, it was delivered over discord while i was doing like five other things and brain dead; this is just a placeholder of it until i can write up something more cohesive / established.

she just didn’t want, didn’t need any reminders of the way things had been before her father had been creamed by one of many fat cats in their expensive cars and their diamond pink rings.  wrong place, wrong time, her ASS.  she’d never been any under delusions her father had been a saint.  what she’d found when cleaning and packing to move from one shit hole to another had done nothing but clarify that some people in this world just had it coming.  SHE WANTED TO THINK SHE WAS DITCHING THE BOARD GAMES, THE BARBIES, THE WHATEVER ELSE HE’D GIVEN HER BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T WANT TO KEEP THINGS BOUGHT WITH DIRTY MONEY…THE TRUTH WAS SHE JUST DIDN’T WANT ANYTHING AT ALL THAT WOULD REMIND HER OF THE FACT THAT HE’D BE MISSING FROM THIS YEAR’S CHRISTMAS DINNER.  AND EVERY ONE AFTER.

mmmhmokay so, she was a gymnast, like, super super super good, she was actually on the team to go to the olympics like a year or two after that too ugh im sorry all of this is going to be so fucking sporadic my brain is a mess

okay let me roll this back a pace

\so she grew up in a mostly normal two parent decent white collar life  her mom was kind of distant and off putting but eh  that's just the way it washer dad was an accountant / worked for the mob etc though she didn't find that out til later / it was mostly only suspicions no hard proof etc.they weren't rich they weren't poor she didn't have the best shit but she didn't go hungry either etc she did gymnastics and ballet and track and such she was really really good at gymnastics that ws where most of the free money and time went then her dad gets killed in a hit and run when she's like 12 ish her mom goes super stiff and just basically retreats from life as a whole, she gets super short tempered and any warmth there was just kinda fizzles out, she starts putting more and more pressure on harleen they don't have a nest egg, the mom didn't work, now she has to have an office job, they move to a shitty apartment in the wrong side of town, things are hard and rough and gritty at 14/15 harleen ends up on the team for the olympic gymnastics and blows out her right knee in the second event of the competition

needless to say she's a wreck and she's devastated and there goes everything she's ever worked for meanwhile her mom loses her shit and is like how am i supposed to pay for this how are we supposed to survive now because that was supposed to be their golden ticket so harleen kinda just has an inner mental breakdown and shuts down but just acts like it's no big deal its fine and just kind of self isolates and pushes herself with her recovery and therapy and ends up causing more damage in the long run but she wants to get better faster // which is all really moot because she's never going to be back to that level of competitiveness again and definitely not w/in that limited time frame that is the peak for gymanstics aka she was borderline too old by the time she made it to the olympics the first time so she pretty much ends up just having to rely on herself to take care of herself from that point on because her mom just basically likes to pretend she doesn't exist she throws herself into her schoolwork which -- she was always smart and liked books and school anyway but she really just sort of skimmed along with bare minimum because she was throwing herself into her gymnastics for so long she ends up graduating near the top of her high school class and between her gpa and her 'personal triumph / recovery' story whatever she ends up getting scholarships and grants for college she's always been very hyper sensitive / needy when it came to attention and praise / rewards she always had a lot of trouble with self-worth / needed external validation if she wasn't the best, or at the top of whatever she was doing, she doesn't feel like she's doing good enough / she's always always pushing herself

she finishes her degree early bc she just works her fucking ass off and ends up interning during her doctorate at arkham there's a lot of other misc shit in there of course i mean she has trouble with relationships she needs too much validation and she has too high of expectations for realistic anything she also keeps people at arms length bc she knows they're going to leave / end up disappointing her / end up being disappointed in her she's very obsessive / very orderly and proper with her life everything has its place she files her reports, everything is on schedule or ahead of it, everything is neat and clean, folded, put away, organized, so on because the more she can control it all the better she feels

like everything in her apartment is white or black everything is in cubbies and boxesher cabinet doors are glass etc. etc.neat, organized, tidy very sleek and modern her books are organized by size i mean just like epitome of obsessive she has schedules for everything she schedules time for reading and for her baths and studying and cooking and eating and she schedules the time she has to go out and socialize and and she's super fucking smart and she's really good at her job too, like, in the comics it's indicated that she successfully ( i mean as much as anybody can ever successfully treat) treats / rehabilitates two face and a couple others of the super whacked out bad guys -- at least temporarily -- during her time with them at arkham etc

SO then enters the joker and ???????he's literally the epitome of everything she isn't / everything she can't stand in anyone else ever?i mean he's literally chaos personified ok but he's this MYSTERY and he's chaotic and he's charming and he's enigmatic and he's SO FUCKING SMART even when he's trying to dumb himself down for the fun of it and he's just ? he's this huge fucking puzzle

and she becomes so obsessed with trying to figure it out trying to figure him outhow he works what made him this way who he is and he's so slippery and she gets so frustrated because what's real? what isn't? what's a game? what part is truth and what is lies?and she wants to figure him out / she wants to fix it / she wants to unravel it all and put it all back together

but he's just this tangled web of things that drive her crazy and it hits her obsessiveness so hard and he's so good at manipulation and playing people and he's so good at reading people and using people so he just knows how to push her buttons BUT this all ties back in because in the comics etc you remember that line from the blurb about the fat cats with their diamond pinky rings etc ?

at some point while he's luring her in etc.they're talking about things and i have always headcanoned that he did a lot of push and pull like hannibal lecter did with clarice like i'll show you mine if you show me yours type thing so he ends up learning stuff about her along the way too and one of their sessions, i figure it would be not too long before he convinces her to help him escape he's got a present for her too and it's the mob boss' pinky finger w/ the diamond ring, in the guy's embroidered handkerchief the one that killed her dad that he had killed or at least that's the implication

so yeah it's a really long explanation but that's the connection between that first blurb and the whole point of it being yeah he gives her the guy's pinky i headcanon that she wears that ring on her middle finger or thumb pretty much all the time after he's finally done with making her bonkers

Then Again: P1 Peter Parker x Reader

Author’s Note: This is the first fanfiction piece I’ve ever posted, so I’m learning how this all works as I go. I’ll probably post this on AO3 sometime soon, but because I’ll need to make an account, etc, it might be a little while before it’s available there.

Additionally, please review! 

I’m excited (and extremely nervous) to put my writing out there for the first time, so any comments, questions, or advice are absolutely welcome! 

Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11

Then Again, Part 1:

(Word count: 1,358)

Living in New York City rarely feels as glamorous as the movies and aesthetic blogs make it seem. Most days, that lively hustle and bustle of our beautiful, always dreaming city reminds me of a horde of flies conducting emergency drills underwater. Especially on foggy days. And muggy days. And Mondays, Tuesdays, occasionally Wednesdays. However, the almost-weekend to weekend days that sprinkle in refreshing breezes alongside bright sunshine - those days pull you up by the back of your collar and shove optimism down your shirt like it’s a cool, wet towel. The city tingles from the ground up.

Today is one of those good days.

Ironically, I woke up exhausted. I nearly spilled my breakfast in my lap (but didn’t, thanks to Peter) and I walked with my three best friends to school through fields of exhaust fumes half-awake. Once there, however, it all seemed to turn around. The classes I attended went wonderfully and the classes I didn’t attend, I’ll assume went just as well. I skipped half of them for the first time in my life.

Besides occasional “homework sharing,” I rarely break rules, it’s just that Ned and Michelle can be extremely persuasive… not that I needed much persuasion today. The suggestion was enough. I’ve been so giddy this week that I embraced the tiny taste of teenage rebellion with open arms. (“Tiny” seems like an appropriate description: all we did was hide out in random parts of the school watching Vines, playing minor pranks in the hallways during breaks, and stealing food from Peter’s stash of locker snacks as payback for his refusal to join us.)

Today has been a great day, and outside of Peter acting a bit strange, it’s been a good week overall. It’s just so easy to be happy with everything going on. Tonight: special dinner with our friends. Tomorrow: Midtown’s academic decathlon team heads to Washington, D.C. Shortly after, my friends and I will attend Prom, go on summer break, and enter our senior year of high school. My anticipation for this trip, the dance, the summer, and our eventual graduation bubbles up inside my stomach anytime the conversation between me and two of my best friends takes a short dip as we walk back from school.

Despite all of the upcoming things I have to think about, this walk is making my thoughts drift back to the one topic I’ve been trying most to avoid. Why wouldn’t Peter sneak out of class? He isn’t always such a rule follower anymore. And then why leave seventh hour when we all have class together? Is it just a today thing? He’s seemed… off all week.

I need to stop thinking about him. Wondering why he’s been strangely reserved or else imagining the previous seven hours with him more present in their events is not going to help me keep our friendship normal. Just think about something else. Anything else. Even someone else.

“Should we invite Flash?” I ask. I ask this partly because it’s a question nobody has brought up yet, and partly because the conversation has certainly dipped and my brain wants to sprint away from my control. I even thought I saw Spidey a minute ago. By now he’s on the other side of Queens. Think of something else.

We stop on the sidewalk, traffic rushing in front of us, countless buzzing people behind everywhere else.

Ned and Michelle turn to me with matching expressions.

“And why would we do that?” Ned asks.

“Because every-”

“Oh, shit.” Michelle groans. “Because everyone else, bar Mr. Harrington, is going. The entire team except Flash. For being so smart, we’re all a bunch of fucking idiots.”

“Technically we don’t have to do anything,” Ned says, obviously resistant to the idea. “It isn’t an official team dinner or whatever. We can’t get in trouble for it.”

“Still, as captain, I can’t organize a social gathering with everyone but Flash and pretend it isn’t a shitty thing to do. God damn it.”

The walk signal turns white as Michelle starts a text to Flash. Peter’s apartment is only a few blocks away.

Once we reach the door, Ned knocks. We all know Peter and May won’t be in, but Ned has a habit of politeness that even that can’t shake. After a couple seconds, he unlocks it himself with one of the five total keys to the apartment. (Strictly speaking, May isn’t supposed to have had three extra copies made, but she wouldn’t be May if she paid mind to that rule.)

“So,” Michelle says, heaving her bookbag onto a chair. “Music and clean, then Netflix and chill?”

The three of us look around at the destruction our last night of studying brought the apartment. Snacks and dishes are strewn in odd places and our fallen pillow fort is a ruin. A sticky 5 Hour Energy must have splashed on the carpet at some point, given the pink stain to the right of the couch. Coating most of the colossal mess are countless pieces of scribbled-on paper.

Ned and I nod in agreement.

Michelle’s speaker beeps awake and we set to work.

As I gather garbage, I let the music fill up my skull. I imagine confetti raining down inside of it, each piece sparkling with tiny letters that read: It’s just one of those good days.

The only thing that could make this day better would be the presence of Peter and May Parker. But then again, Peter ducked out of last hour, I suppose to get a head start on his “internship” (he’s never done that before though, so the irony of his skipping part of Psych and not any other classes did not slide by unnoticed by Michelle or Ned either) and May has… a job, a hobby? I really don’t know. Wherever they are and whatever they’re doing, I can’t help wishing they were home.

May returns around 5 p.m. As usual, she is unsurprised to find us watching Netflix. Over the last couple weeks, we took study breaks by picking out a lighthearted show and making questions from an episode. Today is an exclusively no-studying day, but we can’t help continuing the mini-tradition while we marathon Friends.

“Ah, the Studying-Not-Studying game.”

May walks over smiling, her arms crossed.

“It’s a vital healing process for our near-fatally strained brains,” I joke.

A phone buzzes.

“Wait, Miss MJ! You can’t answer that text until you answer my question for this episode. Were they,” May says, “or were they not,” she pauses, “on a break?”

“Oh god, no,” I plead. “Please, please, don’t start this again! Ned and MJ argued about this for twenty minutes before you got here!”

“Okay, but Rachel did say-” Ned begins.

“Oh my god, Ned! We talked about this!”

Michelle begins explaining with her hands and May grins, walking into the kitchen. Feinting defeat, I put my head in my hands and sink into the couch cushion. Slumped, I take out my own phone. Nothing.

I text Peter.

“Still good for 7:30?”

Whoosh. And now the waiting game begins. Actually, it began at 3:00 p.m. when I sent the first of a dozen messages. But none of them were questions, so an answer wasn’t necessary.

“Hey MJ,” I say. “What was that text you got?”

Michelle and Ned halt, hands frozen in expressionistic flight.

“Let’s see.” She flips her phone over. “It’s from Flash.”

Ned clasps his hands together.

“Dear merciful God,” he prays. “Please, please, let MJ read us a rejection text from Eugene ‘Flash’ Ass-Hat Rich-Boy Bitch-Boy.”

We made up that nickname today while cutting fourth hour. Not quite eloquent, but to the point. Plus, it’s almost impossible to say seven times fast. (We made a game of trying.)

Michelle types a quick response and takes a breath, placing her hand on Ned’s shoulder.

“Prepare yourself for something dreadful, Ned.” She hangs her head. “Eugene ‘Flash’ Ass-Hat Rich-Boy Bitch-Boy is… ‘super doped out’ to accept our invitation.”

“God damn it.”

“Kids!” May calls from the kitchen. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you to watch your language?”

Part 2

A/N: The content above is only 3 pages of a current 44 pages. If there are any mistakes in it, I apologize. Tonight was my self-set deadline and I didn’t edit it as thoroughly as I would have preferred. (Betas welcome!)

I’m hoping to update again around Saturday, 

but because my weekend is so busy, I’m can’t promise anything. Still, I am planning to update weekly!

Again, please let me know what you think – I’d love to hear from you!

P.S. I love writing stories that have background plots spinning behind closed doors, so if you have any questions about little nods/hints you might find in this, I wouldn’t mind writing some “note” posts to explain details that may not be explicitly explained throughout this story.

E3 2017 predictions

E3 predictions

In general these come from my thoughts, but also include ideas I’ve heard floated around the web which I completely agree with. Avoiding the already announced/leaked stuff, since that’s not fun!

I’ve sort predictions for all main presentations into 3 different categories based on likelihood (“Lock it in, Reggie” (very confident), “50/50” and “swinging for the fences” (super unlikely but I gotta go all in)). Also, because I’m Connell, this skews Nintendo, but I do have thoughts on everyone! And almost entirely positive ones!

These are in order of the presentation times, hence Nintendo being last. Oh, and a shadow drop is an unannounced game or feature being available for download immediately.

General Predictions/Trends:

- One final push for remastered collections.

- The PC gaming show will be a shit-show again.

- After “Seven Nation Army” did so well for the Battlefield 1 trailer, at LEAST 3 other trailers will use a contemporary song for a game set in another time.

EA:

Lock it in, Reggie:

- Need for Speed will have a Cops vs Racers mode. Because it is always the best thing. Shutting down fools for daring to turn MY roads into a race track is always the best.

- FIFA presentation will not mention the Switch version at all. Info will only be turned up at the show floor, with 2-3 units available. There will be a very simple token minigame so they can justify it as being “built for switch”, but it is 99% the PS3/360 version.

50/50:

- Mass Effect 1-3 Remastered collection, for PS4 and Xbox one. Designed to win back trust from gamers who were burned hard by Andromeda, which really damaged the brand. This leads to my further prediction (not for this though) that ME5 then connects both stories together, where the Andromeda crew find a device that allows them to send a message with information back in time to Shephards brain and bam, you’re playing with the character’s people liked again.

- Sim City. It’s been long enough since the last Sim City, which was disastrous. Time for EA to show they learned from their mistakes and can take on city: skylines

 Singing for the fences:

- Mass Effect Trilogy also for the Switch. Despite the only support being a terrible FIFA game thus far, the actual sales of the system will be seen as an opportunity… to sell old games again with very little extra work. Perhaps some token amiibo functionality in the character creator.

Microsoft:

Obviously, this will be all about Scorpio. Every game will make a point to include something about how the Scorpio version is enhanced. Also apologies, don’t really have much

Lock it in, Reggie:

- Forza 5.

- Scorpio will have VR featured heavily

 50/50:

- Scorpio’s final name will be: Xbox Scorpio. Microsoft is done with numbers.

 50/50:

- It will be revealed that Scorpio, unlike PS4Pro, will have games exclusive to it.

 Swinging for the fences:

- Crackdown demo shadow drop

- Exclusive John Wick videogame for scorpio

- BATTLETOADS

Bethesda:

Lock it in, Reggie:

- Wolfenstein Titan(?) official reveal.

- Prey DLC chapters.

 50/50:

- Switch Skyrim has Zelda content in it. Because why else would someone pay $60 US for this game for a third time?

- Elder Scrolls VI revealed. Will feature at least 2 of the regions. Possibly Elsweyr and Valenwood

 Swinging for the fences:

- Elder Scrolls finally bring back the Dwemer, either by reviving them or setting it in the distant past.

Ubisoft:

So… most of this conference is already leaked, but still…. Uh… hm. Well here’s a few somethings.

Lock it in, Reggie:

- Rabbids/Mario will have a CG teaser. Gameplay saved for Nintendo.

 50/50:

- On stage reveal for Farcry will include not only making fun of the people who got so angry that the villians are a white Christian cult, but there will be an embarrassing on-stage play where people pretend to be storming the stage to protest the treatment of horrible people.

 Swinging for the fences:

- A switch exclusive Assassin’s Creed side-story, much like they did for Vita around Assassin’s Creed 3.

- Rabbids/Mario features a cover of “All Star”, covered by Rabbids themselves, because this game will be drowning in memes. And I will hate this while secretly loving this.

Sony:

Lock it in, Reggie:

- Sony saves IO interactive, Hitman 2 will be PS4 exclusive. Microsoft SHOULD do this, but… this feels more like a Sony move.

- MASSIVE Spiderman blowout, including a lot of show floor stuff. Playable demo. No tie in to the movie, but instead a new story with Goblin and the sinister 6 as the villians. And there’ll be some shitty day 1 pre-order crap, probably involving a Black Cat side story. F4 will cameo, but play no major roles – however Insomniac will be building a shared games universe. Yes, even with the Squaresoft stuff.

- Bloodborne 2. It will happen.

50/50:

- A real, honest to god Kingdom Hearts 3 trailer, with worlds revealed, including Moana and Frozen.

- Shenmue 1+2 Remastered announced. With Shenmue 3 delayed (and that having been inevitable for some time), this would be a smart move to capitalise on the clear demand for more Ryo.

- Another Last of Us Part 2 teaser, but no gameplay yet.

- English Dragon Quest XI release date, mid 2018.

- Red Dead 2 trailer, first with actual gameplay. I also think this will reveal that Zelda-like free climbing is being implemented.

 Swinging for the fences:

- The vita returns as a phone. The switch has shown portable games are still viable, vita has some life in Asian territories, and Sony want to keep the remote play train going. Destined to still fail? Probably! But let’s not let reality kill HYPE.

- Last of Us Part 2 prelude chapter available now, for free. One hour of set up, basically a demo. But that’s what they do to get the kids excited.

- Spyro Trilogy remastered. Activision gotta do something with the guy.

- Red Dead 2 trailer showcases a train heist. I LOVE train heists.

Nintendo:

In general, there won’t be much or any 3DS. They’re getting a lot of that out of the way this week already.

Lock it in, Reggie:

- Xenoblade 2 is not delayed, December 2018. Playable on show floor.

- Mario Odyssey for October 2017. Massive show floor presence.

- Mario Kart DLC, same format as for WiiU – 2 packs of tracks, but this time it’s 8 racing and 2 battle tracks, as well as 3 characters and karts each. A shadow drop of the ability to buy the

- Zelda DLC part 1 shadow drop. Teaser for the rest of the DLC.

- Picross Switch, available now. Not Picross 3D though, they’ll hold off on that.

- Rabbids/Mario gameplay demo

- Dragon Quest XI for Switch officially announced

- Everyone on stage will wear goofy hats because of Mario Odyssey, because hats is a big thing in that game. Hats will grant abilities.

- Splatoon 2 test fire round 2 will be announced to begin the next weekend, with significant tweaks.

- New ARMs content announced, with new ARMs avaialable immediately and

50/50:

- Massive update to switch UI, shadow dropped. Includes multiple UI styles, with Badge arcade built in for further customisation, folders, linking to old Nintendo friends lists, musical themes. Further themes will be on eshop going forward, like 3DS. And finally, this also includes the new online system, hence the new details revealed about it last week.

- Animal Crossing Switch. Early 2018, with much improved social features. Massive amiibo functionality, much like New Leaf now has. It’ll have a new hook, not sure what though. My guess is some Sim City style mayoral stuff like setting up and supplying utilities.

- Warioware Switch, holiday 2017. It’s been a while for the Rhythm Heaven/Warioware team. I NEED THIS ONE NINTENDO.

- Smash Brothers 4 Switch, Q2 2018, rereleased with the best levels from the WiiU and 3DS levels, plus an expanded single player mode. It’s just too crowded for this game yet, but they don’t need to hold off for too long, because it’ll be an evergreen. There will be a teaser though, starring Inklings, Ice Climbers and Spring Man.

- Mario Maker Switch for Q1 2018. It can’t release this year, it needs space away from Mario Odyssey. The game will include a new “switch” block which when hit in game alternates the game style. There will also be playable Mario, Luigi, Peach and Toad for each game type, each with different styles, and a different switch block or pipe that changes your character mid-level.

- Skyward Sword HD for switch, with optional non-motion controls for boring people. Q2 2018.

- Partnership with Activision to make an Amiibo action game. You might think this is a swing for the fence, but: Toys for Bob is out of a gig right now. And this would sell better than any recent Skylanders game. Activision would release special versions of select characters, so they can get their cut from the toy sales.

- Donkey Kong Country Returns 3, Q1 2018, by Monster Games. They’ve been quiet for a while, they ported Returns to 3DS, they assisted Retro on Tropical Freeze, this is what they’ve been working towards.

- Dead Cells announced for Switch.

- Layton Collection announced… for phone. Lady Layton western release date.

- Retro’s game. And it’s NOT Metroid, but a sci-fi Western RPG.

- This is a long shot, but T2 is relatively impressed by the switch, so: GTA5 for Switch. With a chunk of the DLC included.

- Switch Sports, holiday 2017. The return of the king. All the games as released for WiiU, plus a few from Wii Sports resort (airplane), with additional modes for each sport. I do have a “swinging for the fence” on this though…

 Swinging for the fences:

- …Wuhu World. Remember Pilotwings 64? Where Little USA was a huge island with different activities, sights to see, and so on? Well, take Wuhu Island, scoot up the detail and resolution, include the small surrounding golf islands, and add a few other themed islands the same size as Wuhu (snow island, city island, etc). It’s a free game where you get the islands and one activity per island, and can walk/drive around each island. Dotted around each is various locations that count as home bases for various sports/vehicles from Wii Sports, Pilotwings and some new items. Each of these is paid, and comes with various different modes and missions. This could be further expanded over time, and allows Nintendo to make money from series that could no longer be sold alone.

- Mario Kart DLC includes mission mode, which is available day 1 with missions on existing courses and expands with the DLC.

- New 2D Metroid by a small team from within Retro. There is a 3D game teased to be in the works also, but not from Retro.

- Splatoon 2 Octoling content and Amiibo, including Octoling mascots. I need this, Nintendo.

- EXCITE. TRUCK. 2.

- Nintendo Pinball. Remember Pokemon Pinball? And Metroid Prime Pinball? That but across multiple Nintendo series.

- Sonic and Mario All Stars Racing Transformed. Sumo has to have been making something aside from Snake Pass, and Sonic Racing 2 sold extremely well on the switch.

- Assault Android Cactus Deluxe for Switch. I believe in you Tim! Even if you aren’t even attempting this!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa tfw u have another game idea AGAIN i think my brain hollowed itself out for more idea space at the expense of everything else like ability to actually create my ideas or ability to remember to eat :P

this kinda isnt a NEW idea, its just something floating around in my brain that ive now got more of a concrete idea for, i guess? playing Oxygen Not Included reminded me of it and made me feel maybe people would actually be interested in it, yknow? and its probably not something i could ACTUALLY make, cos it’d require like.. a lot of my own programming. not really easy to just make in a helpful gamemaker enginey thing like rpgmaker. tho it is an rpg... kinda...?? ehhhh im not feeling very good today, sorry my writing is... bad

ANYWAY WHAT WAS I SAYING

Well the idea I has was for kind of a roguelike tower climbing rpg, like Azure Dreams or Persona 3 The premise would be that there’s a mysterious underground civilization, trapped for generations with no memory of the surface world. Between them and sunlight is this potentially-infinate magical labyrinth that nobody has managed to make it through. (At least as far as anyone knows. Everyone wants to believe that friends who dissappeared in the labyrinth actually made it to the other side, rather than.. well.. the other side.) So the game would be about tackling this labyrinth in multiple short sessions. My favourite genre: roguelikes that actually have some form of progression in them! Even though you’re dying a lot, you retain a small amount of what you gathered each time in the form of townbuilding progressyness and ~friendship routes~ and ~ETCETERA~!

But then after playing Oxygen Not Included I kinda have a burning desire to see a game that has the good bits of that and not the... Frustration. To say its a roguelike without progression is understating it, gahhhhhhhhhh! Roguelike sim game of 8 hour game sessions that get destroyed cos of one stupid mistake and you have to be all perfect and lucky and YOURE ALWAYS STARVING and gahhhhhhhhh THIS IS MEANT TO BE MY GAME IDEA NOT VENTING ABOUT THAT GAME Anyway I was thinking how it’d be really cool if a game like that actually DID have a sense of progression. And an actual end goal. Like.. if you were actually digging towards the surface! With periodic savepoints and characters that dont die so easily and have more personality to them and you get all attatched! I already got all attatched to my dumb sim characters and then just got really upset how they kept dying and the game seemed to not give a shit :P

But yeah its not like I can just completely copy that game, lol. Even if I wanted to, I dunno how to program a simulation type engine thing from scratch! So i was thinking like.. a regular roguelike randomized dungeon generator actually IS possible in Rpgmaker, so I dunno.. I could find a way to make that work with some kind of ‘you are actually creating the dungeon’ type thing. i really like the idea of being able to dig your own path through the thing and have it permenantly etched there forever. I was thinking it could be an awesome idea if in the postgame you could come back to the now-empty labyrinth after everyone’s escaped to the surface, and be able to walk through it and have a big ol nostalgia trip. One that’d be unique to every player! And like.. maybe even be able to see changes, like it being reclaimed by nature and flowers? And you could upload a dungeon seed for your own personal dungeon, so that other players could play it, and that could be the postgame replay value~!

game name ideas i guess Catacomb Crawl Boundless Down

and I was thinking the protagonists could be two kids and be a grumpy older sibling who’s a jerk to their well-meaning-but-immature lil sib, but loves them deep down, and has to learn a lesson about becoming a more responsible sib, and etc like.. yeah.. basically inspired by over the garden wall i didnt really like that show, and i felt bad about it cos everyone was telling me it was a masterpiece. alas! :P aaanyhoo they’re not very developed yet, except older sib being a bit of a comical greedy coward type of person and lil sib actually being quite wise but always underestimated. Like, they have more common sense than their big sib even though they are a lil naive sometimes cos theyre so optimistic. Both sibs get each other into trouble pretty often, but they balance out perfectly to save each other each time! And lil sib is kind of a pushover who just obeys big sib unquestionably and can never stick up for themself when big sib is being all ‘ugh ur so immature im totally better'. They’re just like... the sort of person who’s so scared of their friends leaving them that they let anyone hurt them as much as they want as long as they stay. Very relateable to Bunni! Also they sorta try and pretend to be the dumb sidekick and class clown. Cos again theyre worried if they disagree or try and stand out too much then their sibling will hate them. Quite often their ‘dumb mistakes’ are actually the older sib’s fault, and they’re stuck like ‘AAAA I CANT TELL THEM TO STOP COS ITD BE OUT OF CHARACTER. I NEED TO BE THE CUTE BABY.’ And its all super complicated cos older sib acts like they resent them for never growing up too, its like.. cant ever win. This whole thing has kinda turned them into an anxious mess deep down. part of big sib’s whole redemption arc would involve them having to realise that their actions arent harmless, and treating such a young child this way actually has a permenant effect. And like... big sib doesnt know how to take care of little sib on their own because they’re immature themself! Being able to admit that instead of trying so hard to be all fake ultra mature and infallible, thats another big character arc. As well as aknowledging that lil sib is indeed growing up and becoming someone intelligent and independant. And realizing that the reason they keep putting them down is so they can try and deny that, and the reason they’re denying it because theyre JEALOUS! Jealous that little sib might have their emotions more alltogether than them, scared that their emotionless facade of perfect big sibness will be broken, and scared that without that they’ll have nothing left. Need to become more comfortable with trusting and relying on your lil sib, need to actually talk to them about this stuff, yo! Ideally I’m gonna try and write it in a way that doesnt make big sib seem like a completely hateable villain. Their backstory is gonna involve being from not exactly the nicest family, and both struggling to escape what they’ve been shaped into. And trying to learn how to take care of each other as a real family, when they have no real frame of reference for what real love looks like. And also climbing a bigass tower to save humanity from being entombed underground, but that’s comparatively easy, lol! But yeah the idea is that big sib kinda absorbed more of their bad parents’s ideals, and like... they love their sibling so utterly and deeply because they just did not know what family love felt like until they came along. And it really REALLY hurts them whenever they realise they’ve been subconciously being neglectful or hateful towards the lil fella, but theyre so distracted by like.. the greed of being free now. And doing anything and everything, drunk on that freedom! And not really being capable yet of caring about other people when they havent even learned how to care about themself. They keep being all decadent and delinquent and it seems like theyre egotistical but still deep down they HATE themself and this is all just like a ‘fake it til you make it’. And its so easy to get caught up and go too far to try and put on this facade, and they feel they cant really vent their real feelings to anyone. Cos they’re super cynical dont trust anyone except sibling loyalty like. Only way to survive! And like... cant talk about it with the sib either, because little kid wouldnt understand, and if they do then that means theyre not little anymore. They dont wanna ruin lil sib’s childish innocence cos like.. that innocence is their only reason to live. Innocent stupid bastion of family love, came into their life and gave them the courage to deal with those shitty parents gahhh! And part of them ‘knows’ that the only way to love anyone is to be deluded and innocent. You have to be too stupid to realise that the world is awful and everyone sucks and loving people just gets you hurt! And big sib is toooootally smart cos they know that life is meaningless. But they’re entertained by seeing a stupid person stupidly believe in optimism. Totally. Thats the only reason they wanna protect that innocence. Totally. sooooo basically imagine a very mentally ill mess of a preteen that’s curled up in the corner crying perpetually within their own mind, while on the outside they’re all HA HA I’M AMAZING, BITCHES And also imagine that bunni is able to write good enough to explain these damn characters aaaa im very tired im sorry

anyway summary: protagonist is a jerk, Character Development: The Game, you will cry for little sib whom is basically like penny from inspector gadget also I was thinking maybe this could be the one and only time I do the Amnesiac Protagonist Cliche Setup. eeeexcept not really?? well i mean I think it’d work cool if these characters were new to this setting, but I wouldnt actually do 100% amnesia thing I was thinking more like... they are the only two people who came from the outside world. And they just can’t remember how they got here, they wake up trapped in this place and everyone thinks theyre crazy for talking about being from somewhere aboveground. So you have an even more desperate motivation to escape compared to everyone else! I mean of course everyone wants to return to the surface, but its been so long that no-one remembers what it’s like, and so many attempts have failed that they’ve all given up. So you can act like a beacon of hope and lead the people even though you’re just a child. Like, this is about a morally bankrupt trash protagonist being dragged kicking and screaming into heroism, lol And of course we can have some good ‘ol mystery amnesia reveal type plot thingies! But without having to have a protagonist who’s COMPLETELY clueless, and a game beginning with no direction whatsoever. Its more like a ‘trapped in another world’ story except its the same world just a few thousand miles underground, lol. And revealing how exactly they got there and what they’ve forgotten is gonna be a plot, yes, but also there’s the bigger mystery of what on earth this doom labyrinth is and what caused these poor people to be trapped in it! And what they’ll even find when they finally reach the surface again, will it really be the sort of paradise they’re all hoping for? also many tears for sad dysfunctional tiny family of awkward childrens, ye also (hopefully) fun dungeon gameplays

so yeah bunni is tired and delirious and rambling Thoughts at you dunno if anyone was interested in any of this, but there you go!

Episode #11: “i feel kinda nervous but also just kinda like i don’t give a fuck ya know” - Ally

The F8 vote seemed to have worked out well for me. I believe I shifted the plan from voting Stephen to Jess as Jess has been socially great but I havent been able to develop a great personal relationship with her and our interests in the game seem to differ. I am kinda glad with my position rn tho I am pretty sure the jury hates me rn but my aim is to find a way to maneuver to the end. Stephen and Ally must be really upset with me for lying over and over again and I might be targeted soon.

i am on a train and so i decided i'll write a confessional.

after having time to think last night (misplaying my idol), here are my thoughts: yeah, it sucks. it definitely hurt my game more than it helped. i am now 10x more vulnerable in the game. but, i'm not regretful? i'm now in a less-stressed state, where if i'm going to leave, so be it. no one was really shocked (though some may be more angered at me), and it kinda helps clear a target on my back because i'm like... easy to beat.

now, let me talk about something. after thorough analysis, i believe i have the least likelihood of winning this game. that's fine. i'm not really mad about it. below i'll just provide why i think i can't win this game, and my personal view.

CHANCES OF MAKING IT TO FTC: to begin, my chances of making it to ftc is very limited. i'm in a state where i have no idol, and i must rely on competitions (at some point, not necessarily now). i honestly think i'm safe at F7, but i know in order to get into F2 (or F3), i'll probably need to win a few immunities (or hope people see me as the goat i am and.. dragggg me BAAAAA). other people in the category of 'limited' when it comes to making ftc are stephen/ally/alyssa. now, let's pretend i do win like 3 immunities and achieve that position at FTC. this has two outcomes. first being that i don't think the jury will majorly respect it. and secondly, well, i'll describe it in the points below.

CHANCES TO WIN (IF I REACH FTC): i think i have horrible chances at this rate. ever since jury started, my management of said people hasn't been the greatest. i don't entirely blame myself (though maybe i should), but i don't see stephen w./miguel/luke/jess being keen on voting me. i think the most grossest(word choice?) of those are miguel. he's going to be emotional/bitter, and kind of rightfully so - i did vote him out. but i also got targeted in the first place for trying to save him. i put my blood, sweat, tears into trying to let him live and... well... i couldn't do it. and, in my personal opinion, that should outweigh me voting him. so as of now, i think i have 0/4 locks. i could see current players voting for me depending on how the game goes (i.e ally, alyssa, karthik) but that's so iffy to really count on. now a quick analysis of other players: alyssa - i think she's by far the strongest middle player/has been the swing vote in various instances. though bitterness may be an outcome, she's played a dominating game. ally/stephen - minority. they are going to have stephen w./luke/jess practically on lock, and even miguel to some extent. they are the underdogs that even i would be rooting for if i were on jury. tim/karthik - both are better middle players than i am. they are always the go-tos to make a move. maybe this is a bad thing for them (and by default, good for me) because they are seen as 'goats' or something. i doubt that though. they have more agency, and though i once again don't think that's at MY fault, it ultimately detriments my game. jake - jake has continually been targeted due to being a flexible, snakey threat. though he may not be doing the absolute most strategically/etc., he has that perception of ''winner'' and ''big player'', which alone can carry a lot of brownie points when it comes to voting.

CONCLUSION: So i think my chances to win are the lowest odds because of my inability to guarantee FTC for myself, and even if i do, i ain't going to be a strong contender to win unless the jury comes around to my busted ass game.

- okay, i want to talk about my personal thoughts on this.

i don't think i played the best. but, i don't blame myself for being in this shitty situation. wait. to specify, i don't blame myself for being hated by jury/players. i DO blame myself for being in the shitty position and limited chances of making FTC, which has factors including my prejury comp strength (there was strategy w/ that but i'll talk abt that another time.

my chances have sucked ever since jury started. stephen w. and i were never on a tribe together, and though i was a 'threat', i didn't flip. i did consider it however, but that isn't enough credit for him. it wasn't smart to work with him considering he was targeting me, but that's valid to not vote me in the end. miguel is a loyal and emotional person, 100% valid. i did not meet those terms at the end of the day, and that's only on me i guess. luke showed no loyalty to me and so i reciprocated the fakeness. we never worked together. jess, i DID try to work with, but she rejected that just to kinda blame it on me and so i voted her out. i have no friends on jury, and the earlier jurors are the most critical to some degree (because they can become an unit or something and start rallying campaigns for people).

my lack of agency, which is my biggest in-game flaw, isn't my fault directly. i tried to be extra social and show willingness to flip. of the 5 Kato2.0 members, i think i was easily the most willing to change up the game. karthik/tim have lied numerous times about flipping, and jake has done so prior. i haven't. maybe i should have, and i would be in a position, but i wanted to maintain this veil of honesty that like i was opened 2 working w them, even if NOW wasn't the time. the voted me and then only talked to me abt my vote when they needed me. i have to be missing something. this isn't a bad thing on MY game when others dont want to work with me, but i cant figure out the missing piece. maybe someones lying about what i'm doing and pitting people against me (good on them). maybe i did something really bad. but, it's a struggle. i thought i was playing so well but now i'm in a position of... hopelessness. i don't have any strong friends in the game. tim's probably the closest to me. i'm just... i'm unsure.

-

i want to talk about the future of this game real quick. this round, i anticipate ally/stephen will target one of me/alyssa/jake. tim wants to target alyssa (according to him) so i can see her being targeted. i'm unsure if that's how i'll vote, but i'm thinking. i think, if i am lucky + smart enough, that i'll make f5 easily. if alyssa goes, theres no way ppl would keep ally/stephen both til f5 considering they are minority n have that sway over the jury. put in that position, im the strongest physically. if ally goes F7 (or stephen), then jake/alyssa are a duo i can spearhead to break up. but, if alyssa has two idols, shes final 4 and well . it's over . but maybe she'd idol out like karthik or smthing n then me/tim/stephen vote out alyssa/jake and... yea. there's some hope for me but it's VERY circumstantial.

my brain hurts lol sorry

So last night I was BRUTALLY blindsided. And it's kinda late in the game for that to still be happening! This is way worse than Miguel or Luke leaving. Karth, Tim, Zach and Alyssa all overtly lied to me about their plans and votes. Granted, I also lied to Alyssa so there's that.

Karth, Tim, and Zach all hit me with the "but we're allies now that you proved you're honest" and I'm rolling with it because I don't have much of a choice. Ally wants to try something with Alyssa/Jake but I'm not exactly holding my breath. I won't buy anything until people start coming to me with real plans. At least Zach's idol is gone so others might be more tempted to make a move on him now.

Being voted most honest was something I ABSOLUTELY capitalized off of. I used it to try and get Alyssa on my side by telling her Stephen said she's next if Zach wins (even though she went and mentioned my name) I used it to blatantly lie to Jess and Stephen and Im using it now to do damage control with Stephen

Honestly the reason I voted Jess was very strategic. If Stephen was gone then Jess could weave her way into an alliance with Alyssa and Jake whereas Stephen would not. Stephen is still a big threat to win and with him here it means that he'll possibly take priority over me. Because honestly who wants Stephen at f3??? Who wants Zach at f3??? Who wants Ally at f3?? They MAY want Alyssa at f3 which is why she's my next target Stephen: Its not smart for me to go against you guys either way

Me: I already know this lmaoo you want me in your f3 duh

Im gonna go ahead and be overzealous when i say this may be the first game where I make f3.

I feel like I've played my cards correctly and If it works out how I want.. i could win/ get 2nd. I can literally destroy and discredit Karthik's game in a matter of seconds so I'm not concerned and Jake's game thusfar has been straightforward. If I can survive this round then I can make it to the end of the game. Omg if its a f2 instead of a f3 i will scream. I'm being too hopeful rn lol.

AHHHHH BITCHESSS I WON IMMUNITYYYY. Poverty was on my side. (I'm not poor lmao). I feel great and I definetely needed to win it considering the fact that my name was mentioned last round. Oh I also sent Karthik to the basement in hopes of finding something buy I also sent him there so that I wont make a target out of Alyssa and break any potential bonds there.

Now originally I made an ellaborate plan to vote out Alyssa but I've done quite a bit of talking to Stephen regarding my position as well as everyone's position in the game.  I'm torn between trying to get the vote on Alyssa or going with Ally, Karthik, and Stephen and voting oyt Zach. We will see.

I have a plan for this vote tonight and I think it’ll work. We’re gonna split the votes and if Stephen or ally goes, I think I’ve set myself up for s really good game. Of course anything can happen, but as long as I don’t get blindsided, I feel good about the rest of the game. Of course, that being said, anything can happen and this is Survivor

Thinking about how this could be my last day in the game is crazy. I'm relying on Tim and Karth to hold up their end of the deal to vote Zach out tonight. If it works, everything will change. I'll suddenly be in a real alliance for the first time in awhile. I don't plan on letting go of the numbers once I have them, but I really don't know if I even have them. Karth was my closest ally since Day 1 and he lied to me and sent out my next closest ally. I believe Tim has been leaking information I was posting in the 4-elements chat for awhile now. And I am definitely the target of at least 3/7 people heading into this tribal according to Tim.

Basically, everything should be seen as a negative right about now. But that's not how I see it. Playing from the bottom could be an amazing opportunity for me. I believe with Zach finally leaving, the 2 duos on the other side will finally have to point fingers at each other rather than doing everything behind the scenes. Then I'm just a little bit farther away from the end. Maybe I can still win this thing.

Of course, I could also go home 5-2 if Karth and Tim are just lying. But I think I've convinced them that keeping me is best for their game. Or maybe it's just that Alyssa and Zach come across as too threatening We even discussed possible endgame scenarios where I go to F3 with them. I wouldn't quite go that far with both of them after all the scheming and plotting on their end but hey, one of them can come along for the ride ;). Assuming I don't go home which is still totally possible LADSHSJKDHDKJHKSDJ

it’s rly quiet lol

i feel kinda nervous but also just kinda like i don’t give a fuck ya know

like... i’ve already been lied to and blindsided so many times that it’s hard to care or have high expectations at this point

i’m voting zach, afaik everyone else is down but again that could be a lie or he could have another idol idfk

i’m only loyal to stephen now idc abt any of these ppl

Ally is voted out in a 4-3 vote. She becomes the fifth member of our jury.

you know what who cares about clarity? have an incoherent ramble about pb, how she treats lemonhope, a couple parts about lemongrab, and proof that phlannel boxingday is the best Dad™ in the entirety of adventure time below the cut

I would die for phlannel boxingday he's so good for lh he is the Best father in the entire series and I almost cRied about it

there's a lot of shitty dads in advtime and a lot of dads that could do better but aren't like malevolent, and there's also phlannel, the best damn guy with the kindest fucking heart in the entire show, and he kills giant sentient birds for a living

Listen h

Wait am I about to cry rant about the one off character again

Yeah here goes he was so good he. I mean. I mean. He's so patient and understanding and gentle and lh nEEDS that h he was fucking broken up in his home and then pb spirited him away and put the fate of his entire family on his shoulders and treated him like he was Very Smart And The Chosen One But Would You Just Fucking TRY. and phlannel grabs him away and goes look. you're a good kid. and maybe you can save your family. but you can't beat yourself up over it, you can't put all that weight on your shoulders. you are able to go save them if you want but you are one of many champions in this world, and someone else will do it if you can't. and until then I'm going to keep you fed and clothed and be a person you can come to with anything, because I have no ulterior motives. I really literally don't. 

and every t ime he talks to him he talks low and gentle, he points things out like how he IS a smart kid he REALLY is he just learns differently, he doesn't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do like every other adult figure in his life has up to this point. he knows he has nightmares so obviously lh feels safe enough w him to talk to him about things like that, or he just pays attention and like. knows he keeps waking up screaming and instead of going "ha that's fine," he goes "kids shouldn't be waking up screaming so I'm going to keep an eye on it," he picks up on lh's concerns and gently tells him it isn't his fault when he drops things,

Like ok here's my thing. I know first impression pb is rly nice, yadda yadda I wrote a whole thing (didn’t post it tho lmao) abt how the Ugly Candy People seem to be the worse off ones and that might be her doing if it isn't just coincidence, and I don't feel like getting into that. but . here's my thing abt the lemonhope two parter and pb

Like first off I'm still pissed she put him in a Special School like. how transparent can you be. she's playing favorites and she's raising him for a specific purpose of being a champion. but it's not like, extracurricular champion school, bc she's clearly trying to also teach finn geometry. or maybe she's just. 

Idk but it seems really fucjibg phony. like. just set him up in a school where he can socialize and learn in an environment structured for teaching and socializing. I know lemon ppl don't Get Along With Others but like. singling him out is just. mmmmm don't like that

Anyways so that's one thing but like. she seems to be such! a nice and understanding lady right? she's soft and sweet and she's dangerous when she needs to be, but like. I know we all know she's kind of a dick and she monitors everyone in her kingdom closely to the point of creepiness, etc etc we know. but like. u know what really gets me in the lh two parter is just. how ......inconsiderate? she is maybe? 

like . yeah she wants to fix what went wrong (lg’s cannibalism and like tyranny etc). she can't or won't do it herself ('can't' meaning she's legally not allowed to, but what the fuck is lg gonna do to her? she can destroy him with a fucking flick of her wrist and literally the only person gaining anything from him locking up his kingdom on every legal level possible is himself if that, and we all know his earldom is quite literally overpopulated.So she has nothing but principle stopping her from barging in and demanding he stop, to protect all the other citizens he's hurting. He'll do anything she asks. like maybe once it got bad he wouldn't, maybe he started to realize she never cared about him and she never would, but honestly even if he did start to realize that, if she fucking walked in the door and said she needs to talk he'd be putty in her fingers. he'd listen and do everything she asks of him, and none of the lemon people are gonna fuvkinh stop her. they either know to fear her from lg or stories or experience, or they just know she's their boss's boss, so to speak, and would deliver her right to lg or just let her pass. Right? unless lg has them on orders to like. kill on sight or something. but those poor kids aren't any match for pb and pb's no idiot, she'd take backup or she'd straight up murder them. there's literally no reason for her to not go. she's gonna respect politics now? NOW? She's a fucjibg monolith and she does whatever the fuck she wants no matter what kingdom she's walking into, and now that her son is hurting every single person he's ever loved, NOW she decides she Can't Just Interfere? Fuck you) but uh since she can't/won't do it herself she needs lh to. ok. fine. But like. over and over she repeatedly treats him poorly, like...... like yeah ok she isn't Being Mean but. idk. you take a scared little kid out of his abusive family, then you repeatedly make him see what his siblings are going through now that he's gone, and tell him over and over that it's up to him to make them stop being hurt?

The lemon people are all just babies ? like ok they're not BABIES they're their own ppl but . but they're. so young of COURSE they believe what pb said and what lg2 said, that lh needs to come back for them; HE got away, so so can they, and he's gonna be the one to do it. They're poetic and tragic like the fire kingdom, but grittier and less pretty and performative. of course they'd latch onto the only hero they were given.

but like. to lh it was probably more like. this lady came and took me away from my family so they'd stop hurting me, but she left all my siblings behind, and now she's telling me I have to be the one to save them? lmao no you do it yourself. you did it once you can do it again.

so uh

so lh's adult interaction so far seems to have been like. 

wait was he one of the ones they made originally or is he a second gen lemon person/ someone lg2 made with lollipops like in that one fanfic 

assuming he was in the FIRST BATCH because I'm mean I guess, his adult interaction has been two people who adore me with all their hearts but can't figure out how to feed me-> probably some affection in here somewhere bc he had to get that harp from someplace -> guy who fucking electrocutes us and other guy who's too scared to stop him -> oh shit what the fuck -> lady who got me out of that situation but won't save my siblings and keeps pretending I'm someone I'm not

u know what, I think that's her whole problem

she made lg to be her heir, that's good, but he didn't act how she expected and she couldn't figure out how to support him, so she sent him away (much as I like to say she did it bc like. neddy was antisocial and scared of ppl too and he was ok if he was kept alone so maybe that was all lg wanted too,,,,, like there was still no reason to throw him at the very fucking edge of ooo aight. get him a house in the grasslands or something.). she tried to help him, realized she was making it worse and actually hurting him, so she tried to help again and it worked, bc all lg wanted was to be loved and not to be told over and over (symbolically) that he was REALLY unwanted, but still begrudgingly needed bc he's the only heir to the throne. so getting a friend who wouldn't hate him for who he was was all he wanted. so she did good and kinda let it be for a while. 

but he also really wanted his mothers love, and he tried to act like her so she'd appreciate him or even notice him. so he makes kids for her, he realizes this makes him and his brother happy (HAPPY), and can't stop doing it because he's alone with his brother and their newborn children and no one's telling them to stop. she fixes it, she lets it be.

He's still unwanted. she still hates him. she hates ppl who don't act how she wants them to. she HATES the duke of nuts whose only crime is eating her pudding (possible she hates him bc he's just So Good And Kind, too, and it's fishy), she clearly doesn't treat all her citizens equally (do you see how trashed some of the backstreets are? I mean maybe people are just smashing them faster than she can fix them, but like. I don't know. I don't feel good about it.), she won't fucking talk to the literal heir to her throne (i don’t thiiink he’s been replaced yet?) except when he makes a mess and needs someone to help him fix it. and then she does it as minimally as possible. she sends fnj to fix it or smth. she just. Really wants nothing to do with her failures I guess. maybe that's it. he woke up screaming and needing things other candy people don't need, and she called him her own personal failing. maybe she feels like she let him down by not making him so he could be happy in her kingdom. maybe she blames herself but instead of working with him and supporting him, she gives him anything he asks for and otherwise avoids contact with him like the plague. 

Anyways so what she wanted was a cute, competent candy person to take her throne right? and she goes to his kingdom and she wanders around and like. no one here is her kind of normal. they're all ugly and deformed and squawky and everything's yellow. and to lg and lg everything is BEAUTIFUL, those are their beloved babies that they risked their lives to have, but she doesn't know that, she just knows that MAN those lgs are weird, and when I try to help them, they get mad and lash out at me.

by her first failed experiment she means the first one that made her feel like she was capable of making mistakes that ruin lives. like even if we call that one comic canon, with that Sweet Pink Goop she made before lg, that goop didn’t seem sentient, let alone capable of feeling the consequences of being alive and different from the other candy people

she looks around and she tries to figure out what she doesn't understand. right? in too old. like maybe getting away from them and looking around their house will give her insight into why her heir won't just act like her, won't just be normal and quiet and do what she expects people to do, why she can't figure out how to help him without making him angry (and scared and hurt), figure out what it is HE expects, because he's a person too.

And she finds someone who ISN'T deformed or ugly or weird, she finds someone who honestly wouldn't be out of place (looks wise) in her candy kingdom. and he's bemoaning his unfair treatment and he's dressed in rags and he's alone and he's young and he's talented. 

And he's what she meant to make in the first place. Someone soft and cute, but with whatever traits she'd been looking for in an heir, presumably. someone who can rule a kingdom decently in her place, even better than her, i have my own hcs about that lmao. he’s someone who doesn't flinch when she touches his shoulder, who doesn't have such a cold stare, or such a shrill and uninviting voice. he's small and he's young and he's soft and he's talented and he's being mistreated

and like. she saw other kids getting publicly electrocuted and she saw lg hitting his brother and she saw the fucking evidence of really violent mistreatment, and she went ":/" until she saw someone who she could sympathize with.

and lh isn't who she thinks he is. He's a lemon person, he's Lemongrab's son (or... grandson or like. nephew. I don't know. young relative or like juvenile member of his species.) he's not a candy person, but he looks like one. he's symmetrical and visually healthy. so she gets maternal and concerned, because now it doesn't look like lg's hurting people she doesn't want to even look at let alone worry about (asshole). now to her it looks like he's neglecting and harming a young kid. And they're all young kids, they're all pretty new, they're all people and they're all being hurt. but she can't bring herself to care what he does so long as he’s hurting people she doesn’t care about, that's his business; when she gets involved he threatens to kill her or he upsets her people or whatever. but when she sees someone who looks like a person, who looks like a person of hers, who looks like a kid and who looks like a healthy kid being abused (chubby and healthy but tattered and shock collared and locked in a bathroom, as opposed to like. another lemon person walking around in nice clothes and a shock collar) she gets him out

and she plays on his feelings, she goes, you're the kid I always expected to raise. you're the kid I was supposed to raise to become a shining champion of my kingdom. I made lg, and he turned out wrong and I dropped him as far off the face of the earth as I could, and now I have Finn to be my champion. but you, you need to be great, still. you need to be my shining star. You need to go back and do what lg2 told you to do in his Fuvking Dying Breaths, because like, suddenly me and him are on the same page I guess. 

I don't super blame lg2 for putting all that on lh's shoulders tbh. He's not much older than the kids, really, and like I said, they're all poetic and tragic. and lg2 was getting eaten too so like can you really blame him for anything at that pt. he doesn't know pb really, all his interactions with her were probably Not Bad but lg hates her and would also do anything for her so lg2 probably hates her a little by association. You're the one who hurt my brother and hurt him and hurt him and hurt him, why should I trust you to come get my children away from a dangerous situation? how do I even know if you consider this a dangerous situation? glob for all he knows she electrocutes her people too when they don't please her. for all he knows this is normal.

actually no I give him more credit than that. he might not know if pb considers it normal or not but the fact that lg fucking destroys his spirit when just months ago he was telling him he was the best thing in his entire life, yeah, he knows hurting your kids isn't normal, he knows hurting your life partner isn't normal, he knows maybe how lg came to this conclusion, but he won't tolerate it if he can help it

Anyways I love him?

so in conclusion pb treats lh like he's a candy person when he's NOT, and phlannel boxingday is the absolute purest most wholesome character to ever walk into that fucjibg TV series and he's the only one who treats lh the way he needs to be treated - like a person, like a smart person, like a person who's been abused and been put on a pedestal, like a person with his own needs and experiences that are different from maybe what you'd expect or wish. That's my conclusion. It's 11 fucking pm I need my dam slEEP

real quick summary bc I think I see where I was trying to go with this long ramble: pb's inconsiderate in that she treats him like a gifted candy person, not a gifted lemon person, let alone just a scared little kid who's been really neglected and abused. she at least seems to just kinda ignore the whole thing where he gets defensive and... grabby? idk bc he grew up in a house where he was hungry and ignored and hurt

idk

you give a kid who was raised in a house where he's always hungry and competing with his siblings for food two cupcakes do you really think he's going to share them

especially when it's very clear that you have many cupcakes

do you really think so

also just. if we go w saying a LOT of lg's quirks come from him parroting how pb treated him, idk she just. doesn't do a great job of not treating lh the same way. sure she apologizes when she calls him unacceptable but still I get the feeling she treats him more like lg did than she'd like to think.

I got love on my mind

Aight so for a less eloquent string of thoughts - I am the master of fucking up love. We all are in our own ways, but I truly amaze myself. Hear me out. My first true love was a guy in the Navy. We met when I was in college and we're together for 1 year before a disastrous break up. I lost my virginity to this guy. I was 16 and dumb and in love. He cheated on me repeatedly throughout that year, but I never even knew until after we were already broken up. After him, I dated around a lot. I didn't get into another serious relationship because I was very broken. I would just have sex with men and be with them for short amounts of time before moving on to the next guy. There was a period there when I genuinely believed no one would ever love me. Then when I was 20 and had just graduated from college, I started dating Kevin. Kevin and I met on Tinder and really hit it off. He asked me to be his girlfriend on the first date - which scared the actual fuck out of me. I fell in love with him quickly. I'd say I was truly in love with him for the first 3 months of our relationship. I was so oblivious to any problems we might face. He wasn't in love with me yet. About 5 months in, Kevin fell in love with me. Even then, it wasn't until we'd been dating for 1 year that I knew he genuinely loved me. He wanted to be with me forever. He was so sure of it. He wanted to marry me and grow old together. But I fell out of love. There's something about giving your everything to someone without it being returned that wears down on you. Kevin took too long to fall in love with me. By the time he had, I was tired. I tried to make it work. Kevin was perfect. He was kind, intelligent, hardworking, funny, incredibly thoughtful, etc. I made it 1 year and 3 months. My longest relationship so far. The breakup was awful. He was devastated. He fought to keep me. He brought flowers and candy to my door almost every day. He recorded himself playing our song for me. He would text and call me constantly. He did everything he possibly could have. And I wanted to love him so badly. But I couldn't. A few months later, I met a guy named Alex. I'd say that Alex was the turning point for my relationships and love-life as an adult. Alex was very different from anyone I'd been with before. He was confident, funny, outgoing, he had tons of friends, he'd lived in the same area for his entire life, his dad was a well-known judge and attorney, everyone liked him. I can say with 100% confidence that Alex and I never could have worked out. But I still fell for him. Fast. On our second date, I realized I was falling for him. It was all downhill from there. I began a new struggle I hadn't had before - I wanted to date Alex, but Alex was a fuck boy. People don't get what a fuck boy is. You see, Alex wanted everything a relationship provides from me. We spent time with each other's family and friends. We spent our weekends together. We texted every day. We went on dates and had amazing sex. There were a million signs of the disaster that was to come, but I ignored them. I was in some blissful, overly-optimistic state in which I truly believed we were meant to be together. He let me believe it for a while. We went on a road trip together to San Antonio to see a concert. The week after that, things ended. I don't need to detail it too much, but I definitely learned a lot about how vulnerable I really was. After Alex, I started sleeping around again. I went back to my pre-Kevin mindset of "I am going to be single forever, and that's ok." And maybe that's how my life will turn out. I have no idea. But the sleeping around only lasted about 2 months. I have a close friend named Del. He's probably one of my favorite people ever. Del knows all about my views on relationships and love. He knows I just want to have sex with people with no emotional attachment. Del is the same way. Luckily - Del and I are truly platonic, so we talk very openly about these things. One night, Del went out with some of his friends I didn't know. I got home drunk from a bad and Del had sent me a Snapchat of him and his two friends. One of those friends was a handsome blonde guy with the cutest freckles. He was wearing a gray beanie. I snapped back to him something along the lines of, "Tell your hella hot friend that he is hella hot." Long story short - Del got that guy and I to start talking. That guy's name is Dylan. Little did I know what kind of shit storm I was getting myself into. I didn't like Dylan when I first met him. He's a very unique person. He's low maintenance and laid back, which is great, but it came across as sloppy at first. It probably wasn't until about our 3rd "date" that I decided I liked him. Enough to have sex with him at least. I never imagined it would be anything more than that. Well, fuck my judgment. Dylan is in love with another girl. I pretty much couldn't have possibly met him at a worse time. Initially, this was what made me decide having sex with him was a good idea. If he's in love with someone else, he couldn't get emotionally attached to me. It was the perfect "friends with benefits" situation. Well I was fucking wrong, because I didn't account for the potential of me having feelings for him. It took time for the feelings to develop, but they're there. I'm not in love with him, that's crazy. We've only been doing this for a little over a month now. But I love what we have together. We sleep together almost every single night. I text him all day, every day. I tell him everything going on in my life. There's something incredibly comforting about going to bed with the same person all the time. The feeling of getting to cuddle up next to them and kiss them is so blissful. I never realized how much I could love it from someone outside of a relationship. And now I've gotten attached. I don't know what I'd do now if this fell apart. And it will eventually have to fall apart. Dylan is in love with another girl who doesn't love him. And he doesn't love me. I have no idea what he honestly wants from me. To my understanding, he doesn't want anything. He just wants what we have right now. He continuously worries that he's going to hurt me, and I reassure him that he won't - even though it's a lie. I'll be hurt when it ends. I'm hurt now - albeit unjustifiably. Knowing Dylan doesn't love me, and feels that he never is going to love me, is a new kind of hurt I haven't felt before. It's strange and hypocritical, because I'm not in love with him either. I think I just want him to love me for the reassurance that he isn't going to leave. Which is selfish and shitty. I don't want to lose what I have with Dylan. What we have together makes me incredibly happy. The more I get to know him, the more I fool myself into believing that we would actually be great together in a relationship. I have to remind myself constantly how unrealistic that is. It's hard. I think about it every day. I try to figure out what I need to do. What would be the right thing to do? I never want to lose him as a friend. But if I get hurt, I know I'll push him away. I can't do that. I just keep hoping that maybe he'll fall out of love with the other girl. He has to eventually. She doesn't love him at all. She just uses him, and he lets her. He's an idiot honestly. Del warned me that he's a clueless idiot about feelings and emotions. I didn't really know how far deep that ran. I know everything will work out in the end, but I wish it could just already be working out right now. I don't understand love. I feel it, but I don't know how to properly judge it or help it grow. Maybe no one does - some people are just better at pretending than others. Honestly - I'm hurting. Every day hurts lately. I feel stuck in a place of "no one will ever love me" and it's horribly depressing. Dylan says I'm too perfect, which makes me far more angry that I ever would have thought it could. It's just insulting though. He's essentially saying that I'm everything he's ever wanted - beautiful, funny, smart, whatever - but that I'm too perfect. He's saying that he'd rather be in love with a girl that doesn't love him back than fall in love with me. And that fucking sucks. But he's an idiot, and I can't control how he feels, obviously. For now, I'll just continue to try to figure out my feelings day by day. Life will work out in the end.