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automatismoateo · 1 year

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I'm a lifelong atheist who has experienced the absolute worst tragedy imaginable, it seems that I am coming out of this tragedy not only still as an atheist. But, maybe a better person altogether. via /r/atheism

I'm a lifelong atheist who has experienced the absolute worst tragedy imaginable, it seems that I am coming out of this tragedy not only still as an atheist. But, maybe a better person altogether.

I apologize for the length of this post, but what I have to say just takes this many words.

Several months ago my adult son was killed in a motorcycle accident. Clearly, this has devastated my entire world. I have been reluctant to share my story here, or anywhere outside of my very small circle because I am extremely guarded with my privacy. However, despite my reluctance, cynical inclination, and somewhat misanthropic tendencies, I have decided to speak up.

It feels like at this point if speaking openly and honestly about my terrible experience can help even one person who lacks the belief in a god to cope with grief, or anything else, it's worth speaking out.

I didn't have any expectations that this experience, the loss of my son would motivate me into seeking the comforts of religiosity. But let's be honest, if there's anything that could inspire one to seek the comforts of religion, it would be the death of a child. This, or facing my own mortality head-on. But as I have been navigating the landscape of my own personal misery and anguish it has been revealing, even somewhat liberating to a certain degree.

The worse thing possible has happened. I got that phone call, that one phone call every parent thinks about in horror. Other than another one of my children dying or myself checking out, there's not much more this world can throw at me that wouldn't be more traumatic. Yes, I'm grizzled from this, harder, more morose, but I don't care about the people I love or myself any less, in fact, more so. This terrible event has abruptly recalibrated my sense of value, and drastically forever changed me. Objectively for the better, somehow.

This alone, a reinvigoration of the pursuit of living for better more finely tuned meaningful things has provided enough of a cause to find a meaning to continue living with purpose. A reason to be optimistic, a reason to create happiness, and maybe most importantly; a reason to learn. Or perhaps; in some cases unlearn other things.

The notion that people without faith and a belief in a god somehow lack a sense of morality, or have no solid foundation to establish a sense of purpose, morality, altruism, empathy, and sympathy is absolute bullshit and, quite frankly insulting. The entire notion that "there are no atheists in foxholes" is a tired old trope that demands to be repudiated completely.

There is a notion that a person with faith and a belief in god is somehow at an advantage to cope with the death of a loved one, or some other life-altering tragedy. But I think this notion is superficial, and not well thought out. It should be stated now that I am not taking a position that a person with belief in a god, or without belief in a god is better equipped to deal with tragedy. I don't think there is a way to make that determination with absolute certainty. There are too many variables and no reasonable way to quantify the dilemma.

I can only speak from my perspective, and when I imagine a scenario in which I do believe in a god or an afterlife there are some serious issues that I just can not rationalize. These ideas could I suppose offer some kind of comfort. The idea that one might be reunited with a deceased loved one. The idea that existence somehow continues after death could offer some comfort.

The problem occurs to me when examining these ideas in search of more detailed answers.

What I am proposing is two main points. (one) That a person without a belief in a god can navigate unimaginable grief in a mentally healthy, and therapeutic way. And, (two) a belief in a god actually can create additional obstacles that complicate the grieving process, which could possibly be adding existential dread to a person's psychological well-being. My second point also extends into supernatural or superstitious thinking.

Shortly after my son died, a very close relative, that I care deeply about, contacted me to tell me that she thought she "received a sign" from my deceased boy. Suggesting that it was him, from the "beyond", letting her know he was still around...or whatever. Her testimony was as you might suspect, completely baseless nonsense. Not worthy of even repeating the details of here. I didn't turn this exchange into a debate. I just politely took the information and quickly changed the subject. She was also grieving his death, and there was just no fight in making her feel worse, at least at that time. Some people deal with trauma differently, and I was happy just to be there for her, and if it made her feel better at that moment, so be it without protest from me. One of the things that I learned from all of this is that much of grieving in a group entails navigating away from conflict with a reasonable compromise, love, and understanding. Some people just need the space to be whatever it is they need to be at that moment. We are ridiculous at times.

After a few days had passed and this exchange had time to marinate in my head for a while, I began to see and understand the toxicity that might be provoked by her assertion. Because the scenario, no matter how absurd or imaginary it was; forced me to ask a question. Why would my son bypass my house to not reveal to me that he was "still around"? I am his father. Entertaining the idea that this would even be possible, if just for a moment. Once I had examined it from this angle, it sort of pissed me off a little. But the sheer absurdity of it all still did not warrant a rebuttal. Some things are better left unsaid, and this was one of them.

I don't believe in god, I have no god to blame for my son's death. I have no need to rationalize or justify his irrational and unjustified untimely death in that way. This is in my humble opinion... a big deal. It has been difficult enough dealing with his death. Having to square this tragedy within the context of "god's plan" requires mental gymnastics that I do not have a need to perform. This frees me to deal with my grief in more creative and constructive ways. I am really trying to do that.

Assigning agency to the absurdity of existence only adds complexity. Because with an agency there is generally intent. Intention requires accountability or; at least begs for accountability. It is far easier for me to accept the random chaos of a chaotic universe than it is to justify some omnipotent god sliding pawns around on some cosmic chessboard for their amusement.

"The absurd is born of this confrontation between the human need and the unreasonable silence of the world."~ Albert Camus

I don't believe in god, ghosts, souls, spirits, or an afterlife, and as far as I can discern consciousness ends when the functioning brain ends. I have no expectations that I will ever see or talk to my dear boy again. That hurts, it hurts so deeply that I have no expectations to ever recover from this. Instead, I have to learn to live with my grief, and maybe with some honest effort and strength find a way to turn my grief into something positive, artistic, or expressive.

Instead of concentrating my efforts on blind faith, and hope that there is an existence beyond this one, I have chosen instead to focus on the existence that I am reasonably certain of, this one. To make this existence better. Not just for myself but for the people I love and care about. But also for those, I don't know, and will never meet, and the countless who will come after I am gone.

I can think of no better way to memorialize my son than to strive to become a better person. Not just for myself, but for others. To try and in some way make this world a better place, no matter how grand or small and simple the gesture is.

Thank you for your time, I hope that this provoked meaningful thought in some way. I leave you with this sentiment, although perhaps repeated ad nauseam it bears repeating. Don't agonize over the absurdity of existence, embrace it, and take advantage of it. Make your own meaning of your own life. Do what you want and don't just seek happiness, create the happiness you deserve. Recognize the importance of your relationships with others. Yes, tell them that you love them, but show them. However, it is that you want to do that. Take your kids fishing, or on an adventure. Do something now, today, help make someone you love happy, and make their existence materially or emotionally better. If you're proud of someone, for fucks sake let them know.

Whatever regret you might be living with now, lamenting that regret can only further your anguish. Maybe, with some work, it's possible to redirect regret and remorse into something positive. This is to me worth the effort, this is the only effort that I know will make any difference. To me knowing is still more important than believing.

"For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."~ Carl Sagan

Please drive carefully, and watch for motorcycles.

Submitted December 10, 2022 at 03:14PM by blamdrum (From Reddit https://ift.tt/N69fIYp)

#reddit

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sepublic · 3 years

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God seeing Marcy in that tank, floating and healing, unconscious… A part of me is relieved as hell, but;

A part of me is still in utter despair. It still hurts to watch; Not only because of what happened, the emotional and mental and PHYSICAL anguish she went through… But also, even if she’s recovering, well, she still WENT through that to begin with, she shouldn’t be in this kind of state, EVER! She’s literally a child and Marcy has gone through unimaginable trauma of multiple forms, and it shouldn’t have happened at all!

She’s not fully safe yet, she’s still by herself, still wounded… Hurting, scarred already- GOD, can you imagine Marcy handling a scar for the rest of her life, of her most traumatic experience!? Dreaming, possibly having nightmares, not even fully aware or realizing that she’s alive- She might think she’s dead, or is in too lucid of a coma-like state to even realize or remember, too lucid to be relieved and given hope. She looks so lonely in there, so forgotten...! So small, but also weirdly peaceful and tranquil, like a dead body resting... It’s bittersweet and leaves me conflict and confused like her. Blissfully unaware... of the pain but also that she’s safe and still alive, so she’s trapped in that terror in a sense. The void- She must FEEL dead and I hate it. That this is the rest from life she wanted all along...

And I’m sad because… Marcy was so afraid of being left behind. Sasha and Anne didn’t even KNOW she was going to leave them, can you believe that?! How they’d have reacted if Marcy told them, but she didn’t trust them, didn’t feel safe enough to admit this first at least? They had no idea that they were about to lose her too, they would’ve found out on Anne’s BIRTHDAY… Marcy was so afraid of being left out, behind, alone from the others, and she kind of was on that day; Anne and Sasha had fun (well mostly Sasha) as they forgot about Marcy, who had to grapple with the worst news of her life all by herself.

Watch Sasha and Anne’s antics, knowing that somewhere out there, Marcy is having a borderline panic attack and feels so incredibly isolated and detached, desperate even- It’s the end of the world for her, while for Sasha and Anne, it’s just goofy antics; The worst thing for Anne is being late to her own birthday, but at least there will be more birthdays, and more times to hang out with her friends. But Marcy…

Now, Marcy is left alone, once again! Because Sasha and Anne… They have company. They have people, REAL friends. And they’ll no doubt reunite and put in the work to stop Andrias. Sasha is going to learn and heal from her mistakes, but Marcy… She’s probably going to float in that tank, all by herself, taken advantage of by Andrias’ master, for who knows how long. Marcy’s going to miss out on so much, the chance to grow and develop and be with her friends against Andrias, because now she’s trapped with them…

Even though Marcy lived… Just. The WAY the show handled it. The complete and utter breakdown. The despair, the terror, the regret… The genuine belief that she was dead, the shock from Marcy and everyone else. It all felt real, and still does, in the moment, that you keep forgetting she lives- Like you’re actually there, reliving the moment as if it were new, each time and feeling the dread alongside everyone else. For a moment, Marcy DID die- And they’ll never forget that. She went through the experience of believing, of feeling she was dead, and for all intents and purposes she was. Marcy shouldn’t have EVER been dead…

We would’ve had to wait who knows HOW long before we got reassurance that Marcy lived, had True Colors aired properly. Even if Marcy lives, that trauma… She’ll NEVER be the same after this, the innocent girl she was, it didn’t grow into someone else- It felt more like it was brutally murdered to make room for another, more mature yet scarred Marcy.

Marcy may not have literally died in True Colors… But it was the death of her innocence. Her spirit, her hope, and dreams and fantasy… The fun, the carefree attitude that every kid is owed; And the trust from her friends, the trust towards others, the belief in herself. Marcy may not be completely dead, but a part of her DID die, irreparably I feel… And I’m just afraid that Marcy is going to return rather late in Season 3, and be forced to catch up on all this growth she missed out, on the time Sasha and Anne had together. Still left out…

But, hopefully they’ll stick with her, to let Marcy know they’re never leaving her behind. But DAMN it sucks that Marcy might not get this full development on-screen, and it just feels so unfair and descriptive of her life, always overlooked and ignored, given the short end of the stick… Barely making through with the bare minimum of a victory, and just being grateful for that! I swear, I NEED to see Season 3 fully delve into Marcy’s recovery from her wound, let her realize she’s alive and still has a chance, fully develop her hope, rekindle friendships with Sasha and Marcy, actual time to do so, at her own pace (mostly)…

Just… let Marcy be here. Let her participate like the rest of the girls, and not be forgotten and sidelined again. NOBODY deserves this, least of all a literal child like her… She just wanted to avoid loneliness. She could’ve learned her lesson without this sort of trauma, so all of it, all of Marcy’s suffering- It’s just pointless and needlessly cruel, and accomplishes nothing but to break her. And she had NO ONE to listen to her, no one who actually cared… So dammit, I want to see Marcy reconcile and vent and admit to Sasha and Anne, and have them listen and forgive her, and let Marcy know that she’s HEARD, all right! I just need some full emotional closure for her, some on-screen, canonical development, inarguably there and described, and not just alluded to or set up in an off-screen epilogue.

And I need Marcy to know that it’s all right. That as she floats, she’s going to be dreaming a lot, and… A lot of her dreams will be nightmares. She won’t wake up for a while, she’ll be trapped in her fears, reliving trauma and isolation and despair, over and over again, not realizing that there’s an end or even that there was ever anything else to begin with. But you’ll wake up soon, Mar-Mar, and it’ll be all right… It wasn’t just a bad dream, a lot of it DID happen- But the rest, Sasha and Anne will fight to make sure it never occurs, no more pain. No more suffering and anguish… They know what happened and they will FIGHT for you this time! They’re here to protect and defend, and you can trust them, rely on them, to come for you in the end… They’ll come back, I promise.

I want to see it- The hope, the glimmer and realization, the new life and invigoration and joy in her eyes, when Marcy first realizes that Anne and the others are coming back for her. I want to see it. And I want her to experience and appreciate this joy by herself, to be left alone with it, without Andrias or his master or anyone else there to ruin it.

...Not too long ago, she was so HAPPY singing with Anne and Sasha. She really thought it’d all be okay and she was looking forward to it, even! I see her in that tank and I want to hold her, cherish her, cuddle and comfort Marcy, and tell her it’s gonna be alright, it’s okay, you’re safe now- And we understand. We still love and forgive you.

#amphibia #amphibia spoilers #spoilers #amphibia marcy #marcy wu #angst #meta

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