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usuccc · 4 years

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Please talk more about that au, villain Alfred is a guilty pleasure 🙏🏻

*sweats* You and me both! Oh man, where to begin. First of all, thanks for the interest! It means a lot. I can’t be concise, so I’m gonna put this under a huge ‘Keep Reading’ for whoever is interested. Like for real there is a whole ass essay below that cut. I left some stuff out cause it’s already a ridiculous length, but I got the gist of it.

Leave it to me to take a silly gag au and go completely off the rails with it. It’s honestly hilarious gg me.

This au takes place in some fake big city with dark synthwave-y aesthetics where the skies are constantly gray in the daytime from smog and pollution. Over the last ~20-30 years, Jones Enterprises has risen up as the most influential and powerful company in the United States, with their headquarters in (fake big city’s name). They have hands in many industries, spanning the manufacturing, retail, and technology spheres. Over the past 5 years, especially, they’ve seen massive, nearly unbelievable growth, and unfortunate events or sell-outs have conveniently fallen upon their competitors, allowing them to create monopolies in several industries. They also have the government in an iron grip and no one is willing to stand up to them for fear of the consequences. Most people mysteriously feel compelled not to confront them anyway, especially those who live closest to their headquarters.

Francis was an employee for Jones Enterprises’ main headquarters. He saw how overworked and underpaid his colleagues were. Bogged down by overwork in his first year, he eventually tried to get away with slacking as much as he could. After witnessing one of his close coworkers have a heart attack and almost die from the stress of working there, he changed gears and started speaking out on behalf of his colleagues. Some of his motivation came from feeling partially responsible for what happened, and he wanted to evoke positive change across the company instead. He tried time and time again to organize strikes after his attempts to organize a union were completely shattered. The turnout was very little in the beginning, and soon fizzled out to just him. He stubbornly pressed forward on his own anyway and was fired for it. Finding other work turned out to be impossible, his firing acting as an unemployment death sentence. It was not uncommon for employees fired from Jones Enterprises to be shunned from ever finding a decent job again, and Francis’s situation was even worse given the bad publicity he received from his strike attempts.

Ready to resort to desperate measures, Francis started seriously considering moving back in with his parents in France and figuring out a new plan. Jones Enterprises had gained significant influence in Europe too, so there wasn’t a guarantee he wouldn’t experience similar problems there.

Before he could buy a plane ticket, he was visited by Kiku Honda, a stranger with an unassuming appearance. Long story short, Kiku had come to the US with the alias as a simple tourist. His family was presently responsible for safekeeping a secret and powerful magical artifact with mysterious origins.

The artifact was one of two powerful stones, both of which were in existence since the beginning of mankind. These stones were antitheses of each other, representing and contributing to major moral conflicts throughout history. They were both drawn to chosen human hosts who were destined to face each other. The pink stone, which Kiku was in possession of, gained and gave magical power through love, equality, and hope/healing. It formed a positive, nurturing, non-invasive connection with its host, and gave them the power to protect and inspire hope in others. The other (purple) stone gained and gave magical power through greed, subjugation, and fear. It gave great wrath and influence to its host, whose powers would grow exponentially over time as the two stayed connected. This stone would physically embed itself in its host’s heart, eating away at their mind slowly to bring out the absolute worst in them and shave away at their morals and inhibitions, until they were nothing but a heartless monster. Tendrils would spread out from the stone throughout the host’s body, growing in size and number the longer they were connected.

Kiku had long suspected that the unnatural growth of Jones Enterprises was connected to the purple stone. He had gradually implanted connections in Jones Enterprises and had been monitoring the situation for clues of a potential host. The senior leadership of the company was very hard to crack, however, and the CEO had significantly limited his public appearances in recent years, but Kiku would not let it rest. Any of the higher ups in the company could be a candidate for suspicion. While investigating, he heard of and even saw some of Francis’s brazen attempts to challenge the seemingly invincible company. He was impressed with Francis’s ability to stand up to an insurmountable foe, especially given the influence of the mysterious compelling force that kept most others in the city silent. He wanted to get information from Francis about his experience at Jones Enterprises and to offer him an opportunity to rebuild his life for his bravery. The stone, which Kiku always kept on his person, ended up choosing and bonding with Francis to both of their surprise, and boom Magical Strike was born.

-----

Now onto Alfred and Arthur. Alfred is the son of the founder and CEO of Jones Enterprises and his ex-wife. His parents divorced when he was still a baby, and his father did not remarry. Alfred’s mom remarried right away and had another son, Matthew.

In his home life, Alfred often felt neglected and overlooked compared to Matthew, whom his mom and stepdad preferred and doted on. His birth father ignored him in favor of growing his company as well. This caused Alfred to act out at school and extracurricular activities, always overshadowing Matthew whenever possible and rubbing it in his face. He often got in trouble at home later for it. When Alfred got a little older, he frequently snuck out after these fights and went somewhere to be alone. One night, he walked down to the neighborhood park and saw another boy alone by the swings where he usually liked to go to mope. This boy was a few years older than him and muttering angrily to himself. Feeling a sort of weird camaraderie for this other pissed off dude, coupled with the fact he’d never seen him before and was curious, Alfred took the plunge and went over to talk to him. Alfred and Arthur’s first meeting was a little rocky, but the two quickly found themselves warming up to each other. Many coincidences found them meeting in the same park after a bad day, and the two eventually bonded and made a thing of it. Alfred found that with Arthur he could open up and be more authentic than he let himself be with his other friends.

By the time he hit high school, Alfred emotionally detached himself from his mom/stepdad, and tried to be a little nicer to Matthew, although their relationship was never close. He and Arthur still met often outside of school, and Alfred tried to reach out to him at school too, but Arthur limited those interactions due to his unfavorable status as an irritable loner. Alfred continued to seek out other people’s attention, forming a ton of superficial friendships with his classmates. He became obsessed with being number one at everything he did and getting everyone to like him to patch up his residual feelings of loneliness and inadequacy, and also to hopefully impress Arthur, whom he secretly had a crush on. Excelling in his sports clubs, and even skipping a grade in his academics, Alfred felt like things would be okay if they kept going the way they were.

Then Arthur abruptly confided halfway into Alfred’s freshman year that he was moving back to England that year after he graduated for family reasons. Alfred didn’t take the news well, and when the time came for Arthur to leave, it hit Alfred hard. They promised they’d keep in touch via phone and online, but that did little to comfort him and his other shallow friendships often made him feel worse. The feelings of loneliness and inadequacy returned tenfold. It was around this time that Alfred was contacted for the first time by his birth father in years, asking to meet and catch up. Alfred readily accepted, not taking a moment to think it through in his low emotional state.

Alfred’s dad was getting into some weird shit since the divorce. He’d been putting obsessive efforts into expanding his company, making strategic partnerships, attending all kinds of rich, bougie events for networking purposes, and exploiting his workers to maximize profits. Despite his efforts, his returns were decreasing and the existence of some key new competitors put him in a tough spot for future growth. When conventional methods didn’t appear to be making any progress, Alfred’s father started hanging around some wealthy, sketchy social circles. It’s through a series of events with these groups that he learned of and obtained the purple stone. After seeing it reject and devour an unfit host before his eyes, he decided he was in desperate need of its supposed power, but he couldn’t risk using it on himself in the case he was judged to be unfit. He had to use it on someone inconsequential if things went wrong, but at the same time malleable, so he could ensure they used the power to further his goals.

Alfred’s dad put on an act when Alfred arrived, making it seem like he wanted to bring Alfred back into his life, raise him up like he should have been doing all those years. Alfred soaked it up like a sponge, and his dad appeared to follow through on his promises, engaging with him and frequently making secret visits so they could spend quality time together. After a whole year of building Alfred’s trust, his dad was able to convince him to put the stone to his heart, assuring him that only he could do it and he trusted Alfred to make their company and the lives of so many people who depended on it great. The stone embedded itself in Alfred’s chest, causing him to pass out from the pain. When he woke up, still in one piece, his dad was able to calm him down and convince him to keep it a secret, even from the people he was closest to.

-----

Some other tidbits of info:

Arthur and Alfred did keep up communication after he left for England, and he considers Alfred his closest friend. Life got in the way plenty of times, though, and they couldn’t always keep up the most consistent communication. Still, they did what they could and were able to meet in person a few times even. Arthur obtained a degree in England and worked his first job there. But after that, he moved back to the states and got a job at Jones Enterprises, thrilled to surprise Alfred about it. They have a heartwarming reunion. Alfred, himself, graduated high school early, got accepted into an Ivy League college on a scholarship, received his degree in finance and business management due to his piece of shit dad’s wishes, and was being directed by his dad to start using his powers of influence on their competitors. At first, he justified to himself that the outcome would be good and that the competitors he was going after were bad people—which some of them definitely were—but over time, he found himself doing things he never would have before (to unhappy employees for example), caring less and less about the people that were impacted.

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So yeah, the main events take place about 10 years after Alfred becomes the host for the purple stone, having plenty of time to grow his power and lose himself to the stone’s influence in secret. When Francis makes his debut as Magical Strike, Alfred starts infusing some of Jones Enterprise’s key weapons tech with his magic and sending people after Francis, who is still learning his abilities. Then, in the latter half of this arc, Arthur becomes the main antagonist against Francis, having just scratched the surface of what’s really going on with Alfred and thinking (in denial) this will somehow help him. At the beginning of the second arc, there would be growing tension between Alfred and Arthur when Arthur can’t explain or keep excusing Alfred’s actions anymore. Alfred would lose control and almost hurt Arthur, whom he had taken the most care to hide his darker side from, which would cause Arthur to join forces with Francis, desperate to find a way to get the purple stone out of Alfred and save him somehow. Alfred mcfuckin loses it when he finds out.

#hi i'm al and i have a kink for mind control and betrayal followed by healing bye #my token chaotic evil alfred but it ain't his fault #there is so much angst in this au #but there's a positive leaning ending dw #francis: why do i hear boss music #like legit arthur's betrayal scene is imprinted in my head frame for frame #i wanna draw it but it would have to be a comic why do all my thoughts come in comic form why #magical strike au #al's aus

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fizzingwizard · 4 years

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In winter I discovered the “Anne with an E” series on Netflix. Of course, I was excited, because I grew up with Anne of Green Gables - I am pretty sure I never finished the series, but I read at least half the books. I loved the early ones but lost interest when she grew up. I was not one of those kids who idolized adulthood; looking back, most of the stories I loved best were about kids, so I think I just didn’t connect with Anne the same way when she became an adult. I still adore her story, though, and the first book in particular.

(actually, I wrote my senior thesis on kids in literature, meaning outside of children’s/MA/YA books. It was fun)

The show’s been canceled after season 3, which I’m sad about, but it’s mixed feelings tbh. As usual I have Thoughts.

So there are a lot of great things about “Anne with an E.”

the intro is beautiful and fitting

the casting is pretty well done, imo. Matthew and Marilla in particular were just perfectly cast.

the setting, costumes, etc are really gorgeous, I get such a fresh, pastoral sense looking at it

the appreciation for and development of my quirky girl Anne is there

there is a huge focus on female relationships and friendships without much in the way of cattiness

the addition of some new characters and themes both keeps an old story alive and relevant while also pointing out that what we think of as “modern” problems (lgbtqa+ representation, for instance) are really things that have existed throughout history

and on that, I loved all of the new characters, especially Bash, Mary, and Ka’kwet. Also Diana’s lesbian aunt is Lifestyle Goals.

But there are also things I definitely didn’t like.

the acting... like I’m sure all the actors are very good, but the script I think doesn’t play to their strong points. There’s a lot of stiffness. The character I think who does the smoothest job no matter what is actually Bash. It’s worst with Gil. He can act, I think, he seemed pretty good with body language, but I cringe when he talks. He only gets pure, wise things to say. He never sounds like a child. Everything he does is right. The same is true of Anne as well, and another thing that bothers me - as much as I appreciate her passion and sense of justice, I don’t like that it overrules her childishness so much of the time. But she’s the main character and has a lot more time to shine in many ways, while a lot of Gil’s storyline outside of Anne is new stuff not in the books, mainly not there to develop him.

three seasons of the show and very little of it seems to actually be from the pages of the books. They did the apple cordial scene, but there were so many others that Iooked forward to and they just didn’t bother with. Those scenes were the reason I loved Green Gables. I don’t mind that they changed characters etc so they could make room to include those so-called “modern” stories - like I said, that adds to its relevancy. But why cut out so much of what was good in the books?

because they skipped so much canon development, the rushed finale in season 3, presumably when they realized they were being canceled, has no tension or impact.

also because they skip so many good parts in the books, many episodes feel like a Hallmark TV show to me. Anne goes from quirky, clumsy, fiery, and interesting to the writers’ social issue megaphone. There’s got to be a way to Be Super Feminist or whatever without sucking all the life out of your main character. She’s not like that in *every* episode, but there are definitely those where you feel like you’re being hit on the head with a protest sign.

I hated them killing Mary, and I hated that they were setting up for Bash and Ms Stacy in season 4. I swear that’s what they were doing. I sensed it from the moment Mrs Lind says Bash has to find a new wife. The show was canceled, but already we’d had a sudden influx of significant scenes between Bash and Stacy that were nonexistent before Mary’s death, and these scenes were specifically themed around loss of loved ones, moving on, parenthood, and family. It was absolutely a set up. And given the incredible pace at which this show liked to tackle Social Issue after Social Issue, I have no doubt that “interracial marriage” was next on the list. Normally I wouldn’t care, except that it feels like Mary was killed in order to make room for this storyline! That’s my beef with it. I don’t think season 3 is all that well written, overall, to be honest.

But my biggest issue of all is with Ka’kwet. I remember reading about residential schools when I was a kid. They were horrifying. The show at least doesn’t mince how horrible it was. The introduction of Ka’kwet and her family was great. The inclusion of indigenous actors was great. The history is incredibly important. And then... we don’t even find out what happens to her. I read a bunch of people saying “That’s realistic! Those schools were terrible and letting her have a happy ending would have had white savior overtones and undermined how awful this was.” Perhaps if Anne with an E were a different kind of show, I’d agree. But everyone else got a satisfying conclusion. Even though Mary died, at least she found her happiness first, and her estranged son even comes back in the end to ask forgiveness at her grave and turn his life around. *Everyone* ends on a hopeful note, except the Mi’kmaq storyline, which ends with Ka’kwet imprisoned at school and separated from her desperate family. Even if you really believe the argument that “it’s realistic so it’s good,” the other issue is that that whole subplot was really short! It was suddenly introduced and had just got momentum when it fizzled out. I was SO confused in the final couple episodes because I could think about NOTHING but Ka’kwet and kept expecting news about her, one way or another, yet the show only wanted to talk about Anne & Gilbert, Diana and going to Queens, fricking Billy and Josie... Sorry, but it was a very, very bad look. I love Anne and Gil in the books, but when you put them up against the story of a 12 year old indigenous girl imprisoned by white people at a brainwashing school... I mean, how can you expect me to get all worked up over Anne’s note to Gil getting stuck under his boot when something much much larger is at stake?? Confusing. Exasperating. I am certain it’s this bad because of the cancellation, but I’m not super hot on the build up to it either.

Regarding Anne & Gil. I was confused through all three seasons about them. Their relationship did not remind me of what I remember from the books, but it’s possible I overlooked some things as a child, or just don’t remember it all. Anyway, I didn’t really care about their romance during the show. On the one hand, that’s good because it’d be a tragedy if Anne were spun into a romantic period chick flick. It’s not. But on the other, I can’t get excited about a character’s romantic journey if it’s underdeveloped. Not everyone may agree with me that it was underdeveloped, but I needed more - not even necessarily more romance, just more of what made Anne and Gil so magnetic to each other. I suppose it’s a moot point because in the books, it literally takes years before they even become close, and the show couldn’t wait that long. Plus they changed so many other things, why not this? That’s fine, but the why not spend more time of them too?

So... ultimately, I’m disappointed in this show. It’s not that it’s bad. It’s not. I enjoyed watching it, for the most part, though I had to struggle through some of the more Hallmark movie moments. It’s just not Anne. It had promise... it has some good scenes... but in changing so much, they lost a lot of what made the books magical. And a lot of the themes they took on appeared and then vanished, like Cole coming to terms with his sexuality and going to art school, and then only making cameos after that. (Though I highly appreciated that he went with Anne and comforted her when she returned to the orphanage.) It’s too bad. I don’t know how much other fans would agree with me - what I’ve seen online has mostly seemed positive. And it’s hard, because my overall opinion is a complicated “I feel positively towards this show but I’m also disappointed in it.”

But gotta be honest - I’d be much less disappointed if I hadn’t felt so let down with how Ka’kwet’s story disappeared. That I just can’t forgive.

#anne with an e

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jclie · 4 years

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— && guests may mistake me as ( elizabeth olsen ), but really i am ( jolie madison + cis female + she/her ) and my DOB is ( 7/29/1992 ). i am a ( musician ) and would like to stay in suite ( 314 ). i won’t be much of a bother because i am ( driven, audacious, & charismatic ), but i can also be ( perfectionistic, reticent & self-sabotaging ) at times. personally, i like to ( paint, hike, try new recipes & sing karaoke ) when i have the time to relax, and my favorite snack is ( chai sugar cookies ) to have in my suite.

hi everyone! i’m red, and the only excuse i have for this dropping so late is that Work Sucks and has held me up, but i am here and ready to love u all! rlly, what better to do with the remaining bits of summer ( and being awake, tbh ) than join this super cute group and put my intro post together? so yes, here is the 411 on jolie, with a more *~cohesive~* bio and stats page on their way — i am so excited to get to know all of your muses and begin interacting! i promise i do not bite so if you’re feeling brave, pop over in the ims, or, just wait me out, because i’m sure i’ll be appearing in them soon enough :~)

general info

full name: jolie drew madison

nicknames: j, jo, jojo (calling her this is a bit of a death sentence unless you have explicit permission), mads

date of birth: july twenty-ninth, 1992 (27)

zodiac: leo

sexual orientation: bisexual

birthplace: chicago, illinois

occupation: musician

hogwarts house: slytherin

mbti: enfj

suite #: 314

tw: drug use

past

born on a wednesday in chicago, illinois to a set of parents who had a very “informal” relationship to say the least — to make a complicated situation as cut and dry as possible, jolie’s parents were best friends with benefits. her mom wound up pregnant and decided to keep the baby. instead of jumping to some rash decision like getting married solely for the sake of their child, they decided to simply remain friends and split custody in the best way they knew how that didn’t require a mediator in the form of a family court judge. her parents remained close friends (and still are) once jolie was born; custody was weirdly split with jolie spending the majority of her time with her mom. they were an unconventional sort of family but a family nonetheless. dad does something with numbers (yes, think chandler bing), and mom is a local business owner.

as a kid, jolie never knew a stranger, and therefore had no trouble making friends once she hit school age. she was the kid who never found her niche group or “clique” because her feet were wet in several of them. school was not a miserable time for her. she had her friends, was a solid a/b student. jolie was a big perfectionist though, it not uncommon for her to beat herself up over something incredibly minute and self-sabotaging herself as punishment or because she didn’t know how to adequately process her feelings of anxiousness — she’d procrastinate, cut people off or drive them away, things of that nature.

music was always in her life, but it was a very casual thing in her world, situated on a backburner. it was something that she was able to bond over with her dad more so than her mom; her dad was a massive music junkie, loved sharing his favorite songs with her, bought her her first vinyl player when she was twelve and supplied her with every album under the sun, whether it was one she wanted or one of his favorites or just one he thought she might enjoy. she was in dance classes as a preschooler (this was an epic fail, because not even her rhythm could save her from the generally awkward disaster she is whenever she dances) and took piano lessons in elementary school, but she didn’t love either? she felt very restricted when it came to formal lessons, and almost needed the freedom to explore and learn it on her own terms — she ended up teaching herself guitar on her dad’s guitar on the weekends she spent at his place. there was also the 6 month stint her junior year of high school when she and some friends started a garage band (which jolie represses to a certain degree because the embarrassment it invokes is on another level) but it was mostly just an idea formulated from boredom and was something to pass the time, nothing really serious.

jolie found herself at a bit of a crossroads after her graduation. most of her friends were off to college but college did not seem like the kind of environment for her. she didn’t know what she wanted to do with herself or her life, but she knew she had to do something. so she pretty much copied and pasted what one of her close friends was doing at the time, decided to go to northwestern and share an apartment with her and pray that something would speak to her along the way. spoiler alert: nothing did. her first year quickly fizzled and faded for her and most of her time was spent going to parties, embracing the social scene, the like. nothing of real educational value.

she was still fucking around when it came to music; she’d met some people in one of her creative writing classes (the only class that she legitimately finished and enjoyed) and would go to open mic nights or other gigs around town. never meeting a stranger meant jolie was good at networking, making friends with other musicians — the more she spent time immersed in the world, the more she felt compelled towards music. she began writing songs that weren’t just the product of teenage angst (see: that awful high school band), even took a few music classes at northwestern.

by the time she hit her junior year, she was over classes and was pretty much only taking filler classes still, wasting her money while she bar tended at one of the bars close by. but she’d never felt more creatively charged; she was putting her nose to the grindstone in writing songs, recording songs in her bedroom so she wouldn’t wake up her roommates, playing gigs on her nights off work literally anywhere that would take her, and using those new-er friendships to her advantage. she had gained some local traction but things really didn’t explode until she started posting original songs online and got contacted by a few record labels. jolie was hesitant to sign with anyone but she got one of her friends in pre-law to help her look over contracts and pretend to be her manager and eventually signed. subsequently, she dropped out of college and went to work on the music thing full time.

from 21-23, jolie was pretty much doing nothing but playing festivals and clocking in hours at studios. most of her time was spent on the road and she absolutely loved it — she loved the music festival atmosphere, loved the crowds, loved meeting other bands and fans. she was pretty much touring on the few songs she had released, covers, and unreleased tracks from a wip, but it worked for her and it worked for the fans. she released her first album, ultraviolet on her 23rd birthday, and hit the road again.

jolie missed her “college” life with the parties and socialization at her fingertips, so she started elbowing her way into that scene while she was on tour — at first, it wasn’t anything to bat an eye at, but jolie’s limits were very fluid. being on tour was draining and the perfectionist in her would always find something to berate herself about, and getting out of her head was the only way that she felt she could truly enjoy the whirlwind success that was happening to her. the drugs started as a one-time thing, just to try it, and then she was using regularly, and then it got to a point where she couldn’t go more than an hour without a line of coke. the drugs stripped away a lot of what made her jolie and left her with a more miserable, grouchier version of herself where her highs were almost normal and likable and the lows were hell to be around.

she came off of ultraviolet’s tour and essentially jumped right back into the studio (she was beginning to break through in mainstream music, with her last promotional single off ultraviolet hitting mainstream radio and doing fairly well) for album #2. it was finished and ready to go, but by that point, the drug use had gotten to an all-time high and the constant turning a blind eye to it from her team was no longer possible. she ended up od’ing and that was it — there was an intervention in the hospital room, and it was off to rehab for jolie. album got postponed and she basically fell off the radar.

she didn’t really make a “comeback” until she was knocking on 26′s doorstep, and by that point she’d been in rehab, getting sober, and then laying low for nearly two years. by the time she was releasing her first single for the new album cycle, she’d all but scrapped the record she’d made before rehab and had something else put together entirely. she released wonderland, which did very, very well. she toured for it and it was wildly different than anything she’d done prior — venues were bigger, more fans, just a whole different circus all around.

probably the one thing she was more proud of than the music was her sobriety, and going on two years of being sober, not much else was important to her. she knew had a pretty black and white view of was good for her and what wasn’t, so after the tour wrapped, she decided to come home. she never pegged herself for the type to get “homesick” because her spirit was very much the wandering type, but she knew she needed to get out of la and nyc. back to chicago it was — which is how we get to the malnati.

present

she’s in what she’d aptly describe as “professional limbo” — she’s not actively working on any one project, she’s just kind of floating until she can find something to tether herself to, whether it’s a single song or an album or something else that appears on her radar. she’s just taking things easy for the time being.

career wise, think marina, l*na — more of a cult favorite than a mainstream artist. not going to get mobbed when she goes out and about, able to fly under the radar for the most part. as far as her music goes, i don’t necessarily know if i’ll claim any one artist’s discography and adopt as her own; in my head, jolie’s alt pop. think somewhere along the lines of hayley williams, st. vincent, tove lo, splash of the 1975.

personality wise at this point in her life: will charm the pants off of just about anyone she comes into contact with. flirty. a little goofy, hella sarcastic. there’s method to her madness even if no one else gets it. is still a little guarded when it comes to talking about herself. doesn’t mind talking about what’s happened to her but when it comes to the feelings and emotions as to why those things happened, she shuts down. it’s why she’s a musician: why talk about your feelings when you could just write them into a song and pretend they don’t exist beyond that, lmao. is the passive aggressive type, bottles things up and simmers.

being in the kitchen and cooking has been a tactile sort of therapy for her, especially in her hiatus years. she loves trying new recipes, baking at random (all) hours, sometimes likes to pretend she’s on an episode of master chef. she’s a dork, your honor.

has a thing for polaroids. she has a blank moleskine notebook that she has put through a total ringer, gluing polaroids and other little mementos onto pages as a journal of sorts.

has a stick and poke tattoo (among other professional ones) on her ribcage that she gave herself when she was sixteen. it’s a tiny smiley face.

her middle name came from her dad’s middle name (andrew).

if you want someone to go out with you at night (or during the day, she’s not picky) and just aimlessly wander around the city, letting things find you, she’s your girl. she loves a good adventure.

i headcanon jolie as predominantly dirty blonde/brunette lizzie? but she is also the type who has ruined her hair over the years over all the impromptu dying so... welcome to close your eyes and pretend hour.

plot ideas

this is by no means a comprehensive list of plots, just stuff off the top of my head that i’d like to see? again, i promise i don’t bite, so pls hmu if one of these appeals to you or if you just wanna brainstorm, i live for that shit!!

jolie’s a chicago native, went to college here, so 👀

meredith to her cristina — basically her best friend (not gender specific, either) who tells it to jolie like it is, doesn’t mind if she laments about how the world sucks every now and again, the person she’s calling if she needs help with a body

physically and/or emotionally, somebody who checks in on jolie and that she checks in on as well. we love a solid support system

exes — jolie’s a little bit (a lot of bit) of a player?? so i’d love to see exes that maybe didn’t end too hot, ex fwb or ex flings that never made it official, people she ghosted, exes that don’t want to get back together but don’t like seeing each other with anyone else, anything under that sun

jolie also is a Lowkey (read: highkey) commitment-phobe, but i’d rlly love for her to maybe have an ex that she was so In Love with that she was willing to push through it bc she saw herself with them forever..... and then, for reasons tbd, it ended, and it absolutely crushed jolie

someone who, on the occasion of needing to scratch an itch, is very good about getting the job done. it’s casual sex. there are zero romantic feelings involved, there is no getting jealous when the other person finds a relationship, the two are just good friends who have seen (and will probably continue to see) each other naked #yeehaw

maybe someone who was at one of jolie’s gigs when she was still playing bars that she bought a drink and kept in touch with or smth? or someone she met when she was still predominately playing small sets at festivals? idk i’m rambling someone stop me

a “muse”??? like, someone jolie is fascinated with / inspired by and she finds herself writing songs about / for

gimme someone who’s like an acquaintance at best, they’ve maybe got mutual friends and therefore they hang out a bit but they’re always arguing with one another for whatever reason (they both probably annoy each other) but they’ve got mad sexual tension going on? maybe they act on it, maybe they don’t, but either way, they lowkey enjoy the bantering and being at one another’s throats even if they act otherwise

jolie is a night owl, so... gimme someone who she can turn up at their room at some unholy hour (or that turns up at her room at said unholy hour) and watch a movie with or make a mess of the kitchen from fixing a premature breakfast

maybe someone who knew jolie when she was not in a good place?? and things are still v much tense / unresolved between them for whatever reason

and stuff for the event omg PLS *makes grabby hands*

#malnatiintro #malnatiooc #drugs tw #tw drugs #not sure what to tag so here's ALL the tags lmao

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thezodiaczone · 6 years

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July Forecast for Sagittarius

Feel it to heal it? The first three weeks of July rank high on the emo-meter as major cosmic action heats up in the most intimate and poignant parts of your chart. There’s some deep stuff coming up, and while most Sagittarians prefer to keep things moving along, staying in these palpable moments can be rich and meaningful. Rip that “do not disturb” sign off your heart chakra, Archer, and let your sensitive side sprawl. Processing feelings does not mean you have to dwell on them or drop into a bottomless chasm of grief. There’s a healthy way to do it—and no shame in getting some guidance from a therapist or an energy healer if things get heavy.

The silver lining? July is ripe for creative breakthroughs and spiritual epiphanies. Your intuition is off the charts, and you could be a wellspring of artistry and inspiration. If you open the channels, you could receive incredible guidance through signs, serendipities and people who act as unwitting guardian angels. It’s a worthwhile reward for letting your guard down!

So what’s stirring all this up? For starters, the Sun is making its annual trek through Cancer and your internal eighth house—the realm that rules bonding, shared finances and property, sex and the many ways we merge with others. As an independent Sag, this isn’t your natural habitat by a long shot. Every year around this time, you crave more privacy, but your bonds can deepen, and your imagination is off the charts!

A powerful partnership could ignite on July 12, when the first of summer’s three scene-changing eclipses lands in Cancer and brings irresistible dynamic-duo energy into your world. Rather than cleave to your fierce autonomy, you could recognize how much better, stronger and faster you can be when you merge your superpowers with an awe-inspiring sidekick.

This one is the inaugural eclipse in a series that will fall in Cancer and Capricorn—your money and power axis—between now and July 2020. These eclipses will spark a wave of changes around your confidence, wealth and emotional resilience. The eighth house also rules sex, so there could be some sizzling summer developments or a reignited mojo to look forward to.

This is the only eclipse from this group in 2018; the majority will fall in 2019. But it’s an intense start! On the same day, the Sun will make its annual opposition to power-tripping Pluto in Capricorn and your second house of money, daily routines and self-worth. You could catch a startling glimpse of how YOU push away prosperity because of some deeply rooted insecurities and fears. As the eclipse showers you with a windfall of support, YOU may need to energetically adjust your field in order to receive the love, financial bounty or newfound power. If you don’t have the capacity to hold all that the universe wants to give you, it will be like pouring liquid into an already-full cup: All the extra will just spill out and go to waste!

That’s your inner work to start on this month, Sagittarius: clearing away what Gay Hendricks’ book The Big Leap calls an “upper limit problem” and opening up the channels to receive more than you think you can handle. With provocateur Pluto pushing your buttons, you could get triggered emotionally at the eclipse and be tempted to lash out at a loved one or colleague. Instead of exploding, look at this person as a messenger or a mirror, reflecting something you need to shift within.

This could actually be familiar territory by now because your ruling planet, expansive Jupiter, is in the midst of a 13-month visit to Scorpio and your twelfth house of closure, healing and deep creativity from October 10, 2017, to November 8, 2018. This cycle only occurs once every 12 years, a time when you can release what no longer serves you and make room for the new. You’re learning to receive instead of controlling or micromanaging—to stop swimming upstream and just float with the currents.

Since March 8, Jupiter’s been in low-power retrograde motion, which could have dredged up old memories or grief. You may have dealt with a health issue or just felt more tired and run-down if you pushed yourself too hard. There may have been a farewell of some kind. For us as Sagittarians, we had to say goodbye to Tali’s 17-year-old dachshund Wendell on April 15. But we were also offered a beautiful healing opportunity when fellow Sagittarius, Big Bang Theory’s Mayim Bialik, invited Tali to write a heartfelt essay about it on her wonderful website Grok Nation. The bittersweet lessons of Jupiter here could involve going through a difficult time that you CAN’T handle alone—only to realize how much unconditional love and support have been around you the whole time.

Your reward? On November 8, lucky Jupiter will enter YOUR sign for a year, kicking off a fresh decade-plus cycle, which is all the more reason to allow life to flow as it’s meant to rather than bottlenecking the process or trying to force an outcome. For the next four months, go full-on Marie Kondo on your life. Declutter. Forgive. Mourn. Surrender. Say “I don’t know” and see what or who shows up instead of trying to come up with all the answers. This is the space where magic arises!

With five planets retrograde at any moment in July, the stars are poised to help you handle all that unfinished business. Energetic Mars is reversing through Aquarius and your communication house all month, which could make you a bit argumentative or find you juggling a lot of different projects. Structured Saturn and transformational Pluto are retrograde in Capricorn and your money sector, a good time to get finances in order and trim your budget. Hazy Neptune’s gone rogue in Pisces and your family sector, insisting on better boundaries with your clan or putting you in deep nesting and redecorating mode (guilty as charged). And on July 26, interactive Mercury will join the retrograde brigade. All signals point to finishing what you’ve started or tweaking before any grand debuts later this year.

Adventure calls starting July 22, when the Sun soars into Leo and your optimistic, worldly ninth house—the zodiac zone that’s ruled by Sagittarius. You’re truly in your element for the next four weeks, pulling out of any emotional tunnels to reconnect with the wider world. Blue-sky visioning, travel and big ideas are your wheelhouse, and el Sol heats up the action. Your mind is hungry for new knowledge and experiences, so stock up your Kindle reader and hit the road for a spontaneous journey or two.

Just don’t rush into implementing anything major yet. Mercury, the planet of technology, transportation and communication, will turn retrograde in Leo from July 26 to August 19. Going big and bold could hit the wrong note during this signal-scrambling time. One of your outspoken remarks could be taken the wrong way, leaving you with a mess to mop up. Be careful with those group texts and emails—this is the kind of retrograde when you accidentally send a #burn to everyone, including the person you’re throwing shade at!

That’s only further exacerbated by hot-headed Mars being retrograde in your social third house, which could ramp up tension in your circle. A partnership or project that seemed promising could hit a speed bump. View any slowdowns or snags as a hidden blessing and perform some additional due diligence. Make sure people can back up their talk with action. And watch what YOU promise: Don’t overestimate what you can deliver.

One exception to your galactic gag order arrives on July 27, when a total lunar (full moon) eclipse blazes into Aquarius and your expressive third house. Exciting news, plans and conversations that have been percolating since the February 15 Aquarius solar eclipse could reach a boiling point. Ready to throw your hat in the ring for a cutting-edge project or to make a bold debut? This eclipse could bring major buzz around one of your ideas or turn you into a viral sensation. Writing, teaching and media projects get a special boost from this communicative full moon.

This is the final Aquarius eclipse in a series that’s been touching down on the Leo/Aquarius axis since February 2017, transforming your approach to communication, friendships, travel and interpersonal dynamics. Look back to the prior two Aquarius eclipses on August 7, 2017, and February 15, 2018, for clues of what might fully come together now.

Need to clear the air? The lunar eclipse will conjunct fiery Mars, making a stressful confrontation unavoidable. Tension may mount, especially with a sibling, coworker or neighbor. If you have buried resentments or frustrations, they could come pouring out. In our opinion, lunar eclipses feel more radical than solar ones because full moons bring endings, transitions and full-circle events. Ready or not, you could be putting your message out in a no-holds-barred way.

Love & Romance

Curb your enthusiasm—at least a little. All month, passionate Mars will be retrograde in Aquarius and your communication center, mixing messages and signals like a perverse DJ. You could feel sure you’re expressing yourself effectively only for the object of your affection to totally misinterpret you and come away with the exact opposite meaning! Grrr! Or you might waltz into a sizzle-then-fizzle online match. Tread lightly if you’re considering “going there” with a friend or colleague—a steamy hookup could lead to some resentment, anger or office awkwardness that you don’t need.

In all your interactions, watch for an argumentative streak and dial down the know-it-all tendencies. Be extra careful about whose opinions you solicit regarding your romantic choices. Even if people have your best interests at heart, they’ll probably project some of their own issues onto your situation—not helpful!

On the other side of your chart, Venus will be in Leo and your adventurous ninth house until July 9. This gives you tons of resilience, and you’ll bounce back from any setback feeling confident and romantically frisky. If anything, this contrasting combo with Mars could make you a touch indecisive or give you a case of grass-is-greener syndrome. Being grateful for what you have is the antidote to that!

On July 9, Venus bolts into Virgo and your tenth house of long-range goals. You might suddenly want to get serious or lock in plans for the long haul. When you’re having “the talk” with a partner or a would-be prospect about the future, look way past the present moment and get a sense of whether your objectives for say, five or ten years from now, are aligned.

Throughout the month, Venus will form flowing trines to innovative Uranus (July 11), structured Saturn (July 14) and transformational Pluto (July 27), all in the most stabilizing houses of your chart. Some couples might decide to work together, or you could strengthen your bond by handling the practical details of your life together. Either way, a perfect “cherry on top” is to dress up and go out on some upscale and luxurious dates—and when you’re in, to pamper yourselves with good food, a nice bottle of wine and plenty of affection.

Key Dates

July 11: Venus-Uranus Trine You’re inspired to craft a future while also supporting each other as individuals. Maybe you’ll start a business together or do volunteer work as a duo. A socially conscious suitor may steal your heart today, or you might meet someone unexpectedly through a work-related function.

Money & Career

Think long-term when it comes to your finances this month. The Sun is in Cancer and your eighth house of wealth, joint ventures and property until July 22, amplified by a page-turning Cancer solar eclipse on July 12. This potent energy may propel you to make a move around real estate or investing—possibly an unexpected one—since eclipses can bring surprising events. The burst of motivation could also push you to work with a financial adviser.

But don’t rush into anything official this month. Ambitious Mars is retrograde until August 27, backing through Aquarius and your intellectual, expressive third house. Avoid multitasking now, as you could make a careless error or just burn yourself out from all the juggling. Normally you can handle a lot of irons in the fire, but with the energy planet in low-power mode, you won’t do your best work if you bite off more than you can humanly chew. With structured Saturn also retrograde until early September in your work and money house, less is more in every way.

Mercury, the planet of communication and technology, will turn retrograde in Leo and your big-picture ninth house from July 26 to August 19, another reason to scale down or rethink any projects that are ballooning out of control. While it’s awesome to “go big,” doing so now could leave you scrambling to fix sloppy mistakes later. But you do get one no-limits moment on July 27, when an Aquarius total lunar (full moon) eclipse blasts into your communication center, sending an idea or message viral. You could have a groundbreaking conversation or get the green light on a project you’ve been developing over the past couple years. Ventures that involve writing, teaching or sharing a powerful message could pick up steam. You might make things official—or part ways—with a key collaborator at the end of the month.

Key Dates

July 12: Sun-Pluto Opposition Watch for a clash of the titanic egos today. A would-be big shot may try to throw their weight around in an attempt to strong-arm or intimidate you. You know your worth, Sag, so stand up and defend it!

Love Days: 6, 10 Money Days: 16, 25 Luck Days: 14, 23 Off Days: 8, 12, 19

#sagittarius #monthly forecast #horoscope #horoscopes #astrology #sagittarius monthly

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cleverbroadwayurl · 4 years

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cb, where have you been??

Excellent question. Fantastic question.

I’m in school! That’s a thing. It’s wild. I’m trying really hard to do well! One of my classes requires like. HOURS. of work outside of class just for the notes. So yeah it’s tough for me to actually like. Have any kind of motivation after that.

I’m running my student organization! I’m the top! That’s me! President CB! It takes a lot of time on top of homework and stuff trust me

I bake! Pies, cookies, quick breads, muffins, you name it, at some point I’ll bake it. It’s a way to really end the week and focus on ME for a bit. The science of it is cool too so like. That takes time.

But most importantly: I’m trying to work on myself. It’s not going well. It was never actually going well. A lot of things still like. Stick around and hurt. And that’s okay, but I have a tendency to well...self destruct. Go kaboom. Maybe not so others can see it, but definitely to a point that I can see it. I bury myself in work. Maybe I don’t sleep. I online shop, write letters, decide to only have cookies for the day, I don’t know, but I do it. It’s really hard right now to distract myself when I get everything done in a timely manner. Being stuck at home almost all the time makes me want to lurk and find things that will hurt me. Just to see what there is. Just for some kind of...I don’t know validation? That I didn’t just imagine it? This feels like such a big part of me. It feels like it’s growing the more I try and take a step back from it. Which is interesting. It’s odd. But I try to not burden other people with it. This is my thing. I know they’re using names, that doesn’t mean I want to just yet. I don’t have a statement I’m happy with because I feel like nothing can actually amplify and correctly describe what happened. I don’t even know what I want to do with the information yet. I have ideas, but nothing feels right. There isn’t one piece of media that exactly describes what I went through because I think it’s a newer thing. Sure, people have had platforms, but international platforms, proof of hurting those around them, social media, everything, it feels like no one takes that into account. I haven’t gotten over that I lost all of my friends. Whether that was my own fault though, I don’t know. I used to blame them. Some of them I still blame.

This is really rambly and I’m sorry but TLDR I’m trying to work on me, and what I want, but it’s hard when it feels like everything is tied to specific events that aren’t well represented or talked about.

I know I ghosted some of you as time passed. I know I had budding friendships or actual friendships and that’s another thing I tend to do. I lose myself or something and all the sudden I just...feel like no one gets it the way they used to or, god, I don’t know, I just don’t have the energy for a week. A week turns into a month, turns into a year, and suddenly I’m sitting here wondering how you’ve been even though it was me who started the fizzling in the first place. I always try to give you my best self, and when I can’t, or when I feel like you can’t relate, I just... curl up. I freeze. I am someone who would much rather help you than help me, and when I can’t help you or get embarrassed or honestly I don’t know what, I stop responding. Trust me when I say I hope you are all doing well.

Will I ever finish The Fic? I sure as hell don’t know. Probably not at this rate. The situation is so complex and with the information I know now, there is no physical way for it to be a vent piece anymore. As much as I want to write about the struggles I face with it, things have changed. I know new stuff now. It’s not that I just have nothing to write, it’s that again, the situation is so complex and odd and not really...easily understandable, it seems hard to finish it. If you wanted to know about future plans with it, I have them written out, but you probably won’t see any new parts.

And I’m sorry to everyone who requested anything, I don’t even think people are into the characters I wrote anymore. That being said, I will not be writing your requests. They are all being thrown out, so to speak. I know you’ve been waiting and never got what you asked for. That seems to be a very common theme with me. But I’m working on it.

You’re free to PM me or something if you want to. I’m just not sure how fast I’ll respond.

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jennieblogs-blog · 4 years

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Long time no see!

Hey... How’s it going? Sorry for the neglect. Life, ya know? Heh...

So, by reading the last post I made it seems like it’s been maybe... 8-ish years since I’ve posted anything. That’s a long time for these so called life events to happen. I’ll give you the skinny on what’s been going down (I’ll try to keep it chronological as best as I can)

Number 1: Started seeing a guy, let’s call him Christopher, very (very) casually for about a year or so. We went on a few dates, slept together a few times, hell, we even flew across the country on vacation together once. But for the most part we just played video games together with his online buds. We never really “broke up” because we were never really “together” we just kinda stopped talking as things fizzled out and we moved on. Which kinda bleeds into...

Number 2: I started seeing/talking to one of Christopher’s online buddies. We’ll call this one Evan. Now, to start off, he and I were just friends. And it was super apparent that he had a huge crush on me. Once Christopher and I kinda stopped really being a thing Evan tried to swoop in and I made it very clear to him that I really wanted none of it, just friendship. Mostly it was because he was way younger than me and he lived on in a completely different state, but also because I wanted the freedom to still be single and do whatever the fuck it is I wanted to do. But as those things usually end up going, we didn’t stay “just friends” I think we were just two lonely people who found each other. And I honestly though really did end up loving him as things progressed. We were unofficially a thing for about 3 years and we started falling out of love as his depression got worse and worse. I eventually started looking to see other people and found someone (see next item). But because Even was very important to me I wanted to keep him in my life. I tried to introduce him and this new guy to see if we could maintain some semblance of a friendship still. That didn’t go so well and Evan basically ghosted me because he couldn’t handle me being with anyone else. Which I totally understand. But it made me really sad . I dunno, Maybe that was really selfish of me. But he had a really difficult time trying to let go of me. But he ripped the proverbial band-aid off, the least I could do was to honor his wishes and do my best to stay away.

Number 3: This new guy, we’ll be calling him Alex, and I have been dating for about 5 years now. And to be honest he’s probably gonna be the person I spend the rest of my life with. He is amazingly patient, kind, and understanding. But it also kinda sucks because right now we’re apart from each other. There’s a lot of things that factor into this right now, so I won’t go into too much detail, but we’re both (mostly him tbh) working on getting to a place in our lives to where we can grow together.

Number 4: Probably by far the most significant was the death of my father. He was diagnosed with cancer, had undergone several intensive chemotherapy treatments, and he passed away in the summer of 2018. This has caused my mother to go into a deep depression and lost her job behind it. My sister’s boyfriend moved in (dad would’ve hated this) and he’s helped us financially. Just all around daily challenges of mourning. It’s been tough.

Number 5: I lost my job. Cool, huh? I was working at this place for about 9 years and the company was sold. Then the new owners decided they were gonna slowly clean house and they ended up firing me the week of Thanksgiving 2019. And I am still currently unemployed thanks to....

Number 6: The god damn coronavirus pandemic.

And that brings us to now. Needless to say, being in quarantine has been dog shit for my mental health. I’m sure it’s been for everyone and I know I’m no special case or whatever. But god damn.

What I’m hoping for is that I will continue to blog. I don’t want this to just be another vain attempt. I think that this might help me with some of my mental struggles. I need to put what in my head... out. It’s just poisoning my mind with darkness.

#personal blog #mental health #journaling #relationships #cancer #depression #anxiety

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middletuna7-blog · 5 years

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How to Make and Strengthen New Friendships

Many of us in our 20s and 30s struggle with loneliness. We may feel disconnected from the friends we were close to back at school or university; we may feel left behind as others settle down to get married or have children; or we may just feel uncertain about how to broaden our social circles in adulthood. Luckily, in recognition of International Friendship Day on Monday 30th July 2018, we’re here to help with advice on how to build and strengthen new friendships in your life.

1) Accept invitations.

If you want to make new friends, you need to put yourself out there. Accept invitations to events and social gatherings (like family weddings or neighbourhood parties) where you’re likely to meet new people. And when you’re there, don’t rely on others to initiate conversations that could lead to new friendships. Be the one to make the first move. Go and introduce yourself to those you don’t know. It can help to have a few go-to questions to hand; perhaps ask them about what they do for a living, or comment on something nice they’re wearing (just try to avoid talking about nothing but the weather). And keep in mind that you’re not going to make best friends with everyone you talk to, so there’s no need to put pressure on yourself. Just enjoying finding out where the conversation naturally takes you.

2) Join a club.

Join a club, like a sports club or voluntary group, to meet like-minded people doing something you enjoy. Building new friendships will feel less pressured if you’re in a big group where the focus is on something else. For instance, you’re not going to struggle to find a topic of conversation in a book club meeting when you’ve got the latest paperback to discuss. And if you start playing for a local football team, the action on the pitch is likely to distract you from any fears of getting to know your teammates. Make sure you make an effort to accept invites to things like after-club drinks though if you want to give blossoming new friendships a boost.

3) Go online.

The internet means we have the power to connect with new people all around the world whenever and wherever we may be. It’s particularly great if you’re naturally shy or struggle with face-to-face interactions. Whether it’s by playing interactive online casino games with other people, joining discussions in online forums, or even sparking connections on friendship-making apps, you’ll find lots of ways to meet new people using the power of the internet. Plus, social media is handy for getting back in touch and rekindling relationships with friends from long ago you may have lost touched with.

4) Be reliable.

If you want to make long-lasting friendships, you need to prove yourself as a reliable friend to have. There’s nothing worse than a flaky friend who cancels last minute or doesn’t turn up when they’re supposed to. Make the effort to stick to plans you make with new friends, or you’ll quickly find the relationship fizzles out before it’s even begun.

5) Be patient.

Creating long-lasting, meaningful friendships takes time. Be patient and try not to rush platonic relationships when it’s still early doors. Also, it’s important to accept that something things don’t work out. Like when you’re dating, you may realise after a few meet ups that the person you’ve began talking to isn’t quite the kind of person you can see yourself being friends with. That’s okay. Be polite but put your focus instead on the friendships you’re forming elsewhere.

Source: http://kissmyspatula.com/travel-tips/how-to-make-and-strengthen-new-friendships/

#read more #see more #check it out #interesting #learn more

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pisceslentil8-blog · 5 years

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How to Make and Strengthen New Friendships

1) Accept invitations.

2) Join a club.

3) Go online.

4) Be reliable.

5) Be patient.

Source: http://kissmyspatula.com/travel-tips/how-to-make-and-strengthen-new-friendships/

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doomedandstoned · 7 years

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THE GREAT BIG SLOMATICS INTERVIEW

~By Svempa Alveving~ Photos by Gerry Dollso (studio) and Paul Verhagen (live)

Would ya believe that in all these years, we've never had a chance to do a one-on-one with Slomatics? With the Belfast band making a key appearance in the States this year at Psycho Las Vegas, we figured it was high time to change that. Guitarist David Majury was kind enough to oblige our questions. (Billy)

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To start, we'd love to hear your telling of the Slomatics origin story.

The band has been together for 13 years now, which is sort of hard to believe. We formed out of the ashes of a previous band called The Naut in 2004, which all three of us had played in. The bassist of that band became our original drummer, but Marty replaced him in 2012 so it feels like things went full circle. We’ve all done a lot of other bands. Marty and I played in a garage band called The Favourites and a stoner band called Cosmonaut, and Marty played in a whole range of stuff for years from old school hardcore to psych collectives. Chris and I have played in various bands together for around 17 years now.

As for Slomatics, we formed, released two albums, some splits, and seven inches, and toured Ireland and the UK, all being pretty low-key DIY. We then recorded our split with Conan and the previous drummer quit, both of which led us to move things on pretty quickly. With Marty in the band, all restrictions of the previous line-up were removed and in the last five years we’ve released three albums, a seven inch, a digital EP, a soundtrack song, and have studio time booked for our next release. We’ve started travelling a lot more, even though we don’t tour, and have played Desertfest and Roadburn in the last year or so.

What's at the core of your musical inspiration?

I think that inspiration is often confused with music people enjoy. For example, I listen to PJ Harvey a lot, but I’m never going to really try and write music to sound like her. For us, it’s been more a case of having a certain sound we gravitate towards, but without a specific reference point. I mean, we’re not claiming to be any sort of genre-defying thing, we play heavy, fuzzy rock music, so of course we take something from Sabbath and the Melvins, but I wouldn’t say those bands influence us specifically.

I get most of my inspiration from bands we play with, so seeing Bismuth recently made me think about layers in our sound, or Wild Rocket made me thing about their use of effects, and then I’ll try to interpret those experiences our own way. One band does really stand out though. In our early days, we played a few shows with a band called Like a Kind of Matador who were from Leeds, England. They had such an unusual approach to song structure and guitar playing/tones, which really stuck with me. They’d no bassist, either, which appealed to me, too, and helped me realize that it’s only convention which dictates a band’s line-up. We don’t sound anything like them, but just seeing a band do things their own way with no thought for how they’d be perceived certainly made us want to do the same.

If we were to take peek at your playlist these days, what would we be listening to?

I’ll give you the last five records I’ve bought:

Part Chimp – 'IV' (2017). Their last record was maybe eight years ago and they’d been on hiatus for years, so I wasn’t sure what to expect, but this really is their best album yet. Monstrously heavy and sounding completely epic, they out-heavy just about anyone else making guitar music today. Incredible band.

Soundcarriers – 'Entropicalia' (2014). A friend turned me on to this record, and it’s definitely not a doom album. It combines '60s French pop like Serge Gainsbourg with a sort of Can-esque drumming and weirdness, like the soundtrack to some lost arthouse movie.

Hornets – 'Witch Hunt' (2017). Raging hardcore from Belfast! These guys embody what I think of as hardcore, rather than the sort of awful metalcore stuff that passes itself off as hardcore these days. They’ve a real doomy edge, too, which adds a really creepy feel to their sound, and are one of those bands who can make negativity and anger somehow sound uplifting. We’ve played a lot of shows with them and they’re so intense live. Great band.

Documenta – 'Drone Pop #1' (2015). I’m flying the flag for local music here. These guys have been around for a while, but I only really heard them last year and this record has barely left my turntable since. I’ve no idea how to categorize this record. It’s really cinematic, with just amazing textures and guitar sounds, beautifully produced and really moving.

Holly Hunt – 'The Wait/Bowling Green' (2017). This is the most recent 12” from this two-piece. I was a fan of their first album and through nerdy guitar stuff online I hooked up with them, leading to us releasing a split 7" a couple of years back. They’re absolutely amazing, again, hard to categorize, but if you’ve any interest at all in heavy guitar sounds then this will appeal to you. Their sound, a bit like Part Chimp, is almost overwhelmingly huge.

Let's switch gears now and talk about your own discography. How do you feel about your output to date and do you see a progression, musically?

I suppose I feel proud of it all, just because I know how difficult it is for bands at our level to create any kind of longevity. There’s no monetary reward and for the first few years it’s generally playing to small crowds. I think a lot of great bands just fizzle out, which is always a shame. My friend has a theory that in every town of a certain size there will be at least one amazing band, but that they won’t ever really be heard outside of that town or their own basement. I’ve certainly seen those bands here in Belfast and it’s easy to see why some things don’t last. I feel good that Chris and I kept going, kept being excited about playing music together, and maintained a reasonable prolific output, which in a way is just a reflection of our friendship.

Each record represents where we were at that time, really, so although the early stuff -- and all the stuff with the previous line-up, to be honest -- feels like a different band, I’m still reminded of how much we enjoyed things at the time. That being said, once Marty joined the band it felt like we’d really opened the door to being able to do all the stuff we’d always wanted to, and the records we’ve done with this line-up are something I feel really proud of.

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We practice in a lock-up in an industrial estate here in Belfast. It’s certainly not glamorous or "pro" in any way, and yet there are three great looking records that folk around the world have thought enough of to spend money on. Holding a copy of one of those records in my hands is a very satisfying thing, I’ll not deny it, and I’m sure anyone who releases a record feels the same way. That really blows my mind and it’s a great feeling.

As for progression, that’s the aim. I suppose it’s up to the listener to decide if we’ve achieved it or not. We’ve never deliberately tried to reinvent ourselves, but it felt like we took a leap forward once Marty joined and that each release since has been closer to the sounds in our heads. On the last record, I think we were fairly happy that it sounded like we’d hoped it would and that the songs has the light and shade we’d aimed for. It's maybe the record where we felt we’d included all the things we’d tried out on the previous two, but hopefully in a more fully realized way.

What's the Slomatics approach to writing and recording new material?

It’s different every time, really. I think we all have a sort of unspoken role in the band, and we try to work together to our strengths. I write most of the riffs, which are the initial ideas. Often, I sit at home with my iPhone recording wee 20 second segments and building up a load of ideas. Most come to nothing, of course, and probably 70% of them are just me messing about with delay pedals or weird noises. I’ll bring them to the practice room and if the others think there’s something worth working on, then we’ll jam it out and think about dynamics.

Marty often interprets my ideas completely differently to how I envisaged them, which is always a cool moment as the song takes on a more collaborative form. A lot of the last record was written that way. Chris is always a good sounding board for what makes the studio. He’ll always try moving riffs about before dismissing anything, so he’s a great barometer to have. And unlike me, he’s a really technically proficient player, so he’ll have ideas about where chords and things fit in. It really is different every time, though. The last record was basically written by me and Marty, but of the three new songs we’ll record in November, one is fully collaborative with all three of us writing riffs, one is all Marty, and the third is all me. It just depends who has ideas at a given time.

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Recording has changed a little through time. We used a great studio called Start Together here in Belfast for 'A Hocht' (2012) and 'Estron' (2014), but then switched to Skyhammer for the Holly Hunt split (2014) and 'Future Echo Returns' (2016). This was mainly as we’re now on Black Bow Records, but also because the studio is so amazing. Chris Fielding from Conan is the engineer at Skyhammer and he has such an amazing ear for heavy sounds. We loved the production he’d done on the Throne and Conan records, so it was a very easy decision to go to his studio. It’s stress free, as Chris is really easy to be around, and we trust his mixing completely. There are very few tweaks ever done. We’ll record the next record in November there, too.

What's most important when writing a new song: the lyrical concept or those musical ideas you referred to?

It always starts with the music. If the riff isn’t there, then there’s no skeleton to hang the song on. We usually write all the music first and then Marty goes away and writes all the lyrics and melody, although recently he’s started writing sections as we go along. He really does spend a lot of time and effort with the lyrics and it’s not like they’re an afterthought. We’ll often change the structure to create space for where the lyrics will fit, even before they’re written.

Do you plan on booking some shows outside Ireland?

Actually, we play more shows outside of Ireland than we do at home these days. We don’t tour due to work and family commitments, so most of our shows will involve flying into somewhere, playing a show or two, and then flying home. It’s frustrating in some ways, as we end up turning down shows that we know would be amazing, but we all accept that it’s just how it is. It’s not that we don’t love playing Ireland, either, but for a band like ours playing a couple of shows a year is enough, as Belfast is pretty small and folk would get tired of us if we played every weekend. I think I might get tired of it, too! In the last year, we’ve played England a few times, Scotland, the Hostsabbat Fest in Norway, and of course Roadburn, and we’ll be in Las Vegas in August before returning to England in September. We’d love to play away more often, though. There are places like Germany and Sweden we’d love to play. Hopefully in 2018!

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You are playing Psycho Las Vegas this August. I believe Billy Goate recommended you to the organizer, who asked for his top picks. How will you prepare for that event? What other bands are you hoping to get to see?

Yeah we are! It's a bit of a mind-blower, to be honest. We couldn't believe it when we were asked. I replied to the organizers that we live in Ireland and don't tour, but they were super cool and keen to have us over. Our mates in Conan and Tombstones have played it before, so we knew a bit about the fest. It's like a who's who of the heavy-alternative scene. It should be a real blast, seems like a really well organized set up with an insane lineup.

As for getting prepared, the main thing was sorting out equipment, which is all organized now. Beyond that, it's literally turn up and play! We'll probably do something special with Jon from Conan, too.

As for who I'm excited about seeing, all the usual suspects like Sleep, Neurosis, The Melvins, and Corrosion of Conformity. I'm sure they'll be amazing, as always, but I'm really stoked about seeing stuff I've not seen before, like the Brian Jonestown Massacre and a band from Sweden called Domkraft, who I really love. There's so much: obviously Conan, but the likes of Chelsea Wolfe, Psychic TV, Wizard Rifle, and Murder City Devils will be on my list, too. Hopefully I'll see as much as possible.

Tell me more about the local scene in Ireland.

Honestly, that’s a whole separate interview in itself. Ireland has always had an amazing history of local music, but I’d say that right now things are better than ever. There’s a pile of doomy stuff going on, with some really great bands like Nomadic Rituals and 7.5 Tonnes of Beard putting out cool music, but the most interesting stuff tends to be at the edges of different scenes. Bands like Maw, Hornets, Documenta, The Bonnevilles, Los Reyes, Junk Drawer, Bosco Ramos, New Pagans, Gnarkats, Hiva Oa, Beauty Sleep, Venus Sleeps, Wild Rocket, Horse, No Spill Blood, Robocobra Quartet -- honestly the list is so long.

There are a couple of really great venues like Voodoo and the Black Box, too, run by cool supportive people and with excellent PAs and crew. The scene is generally well supported; we’ve not played to an empty room for years now. There’re some great promoters bringing bigger names through town and putting local bands on bills, which is great, and we’ve a world class studio here, as I mentioned, called Start Together.

For a few years, I noticed that all the best local bands were older folk who’d been around for years, but in the last couple of years there’s been a real run of young bands playing really exciting new music, which is amazing to see, even if it does make me feel old! I suppose my only criticism would be that there could be more crossover between scenes and in the arts, in general, but then that’s true of most towns.

Any cool bands overall that I should check out?

My top three:

Maw. A two-piece who blend ultra-heavy riffs with amazing melodies that somehow remind me of Pavement and the Melvins simultaneously. They use a weird set-up of hand built amps and pedals, too, so my inner geek finds them very satisfying.

RoboCobra Quartet. Again, nearly impossible to put in any specific genre. They sound a bit like if Henry Rollins or maybe Steve Albini did a jazz record. Heavy as anything, but with saxophone and no fuzz boxes.

Documenta. I know I’ve already mentioned this record, but it’s really worth a listen, if you’re a fan of cinematic, hazy textured guitar stuff. In particular, their album Drone Pop #1. Not heavy at all, but with some really creepy interludes. It has that ability to transport me away when I listen to it. It’s just a masterpiece.

If you were headlining a festival and you have the opportunity to choose the bands, who would you choose?

In reality, I’d stick loads of local bands on there, but I think I’ve banged on about that enough, so I’ll go international with this one:

Pink Floyd. The 'Live at Pompeii' (1972) era. When we started the band, both Chris and I were really obsessed with that DVD, so in the dream world we’d transport them through time and put the festival in an Italian amphitheater.

Part Chimp. To this day they’re still the loudest band I’ve ever seen and I think they’d set the standard for colossal riffs at any festival.

Mudhoney. Being of a certain age, I was a big fan of early '90s fuzz rock. I saw Mudhoney last year and they were even better than when I saw them in '92, so they’d get a spot in my festival line-up, for sure.

Brothers of the Sonic Cloth. Because it’s Tad Doyle, no other reason required!

Monoliths. They’re a three-piece with folk from Ommadon and Bismuth, both insanely heavy bands, and the marriage of the two is just as good as I’d hoped, with huge, looping, meditative riffs. I’d like something to trance out to at the fest, so these guys would do that nicely. Plus, they use about 100 amps live, so the stage would look really cool between all that and Floyd’s gong.

Conan: Yes, they’re old mates of ours so hanging out would enhance my festival experience, but also because they’re just so good. Their wall of Green amps never ceases to impress, either.

I’m old, so I’ll keep this festival line-up to a one-day affair, as I’d be too wrecked for a second day. Between Monoliths, Part Chimp, Conan, and Brothers of the Sonic Cloth, my eardrums would need a rest, so I’ll go for John Carpenter. I think his stuff is really amazing, and if he played the ‘Lost Themes’ (2015) material I’d be able to relax nicely, maybe in one of those collapsible camping chairs with the drink holder. I can’t imagine much better.

Last of all, I've always been curious about the meaning of songs like "Estronomicon," "In The Grip of Fausto," and "Into The Eternal" off of the latest album, 'Future Echo Returns' (2016).

We get asked about the meanings of specific songs quite a bit and I always feel like I’m ducking the question a little when I answer. The reason is that we don’t like to spell the songs out for the listener. We’d prefer people take their own meaning or interpretation of the song. I know that sounds pretentious, but when I listen to music I like to be transported somewhere by it and that experience may be the same for everyone else or perhaps it’s totally different. I like to believe that the latter is the case and that what might be transcendental for one person could be really superficial for another -- both are fine.

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The aim of our music is to be whatever people want to take from it. All that being said, yes, there is a narrative to the album, which follows on from and concludes the story of the previous two records. We’d always intended these to be a trilogy with a beginning and an end. This album hopefully feels like a conclusion. We tried to sequence the songs to create a sense of being on a journey with a certain pace and feel. We do have a clear story to the record, but as I said, it’s up to you to decide what that might be. We try to leave song titles and lyrics open to interpretation. Hopefully some folk pick up on that, but at the same time if anyone just wants to stick on a record and crack open a beer hopefully it works on that level, too. Maybe the next record will be more straightforward and we’ll have a song called "Viking Skulls," which is actually about the skulls of Vikings -- you never know.

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#D&S Interviews #Slomatics #Belfast #Ireland #UK #Doom #Metal #Black Bow Records #Psycho Las Vegas #Svempa Alveving #Doomed & Stoned

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lovemesomesurveys · 7 years

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where is your dad from?

Missouri.

where is your mom from?

California.

what’re you listening to?

I’m watching Roseanne.

when you put on makeup, what do you usually use?

Just eyeliner and mascara, usually. Sometimes eye shadow.

do you enjoy teaching people, particularly about subjects or skills you are passionate about?

I like helping if I can. I help my brother and cousin with their homework sometimes, like editing a paper or something. I used to love playing school when I was a kid and being the teacher.

has your anxiety alone ever prevented you from doing something you wanted to do?

Definitely. It gets in the way of a lot of things.

do you enjoy reading stories and novels that are heavily stylistic, poetic, or unconventional or do you prefer your prose to follow a familiar grammatical structure?

The books I read follow a familiar grammatical structure. Nothing fancy going on.

what do you think matters more: individual happiness and satisfaction or entire group benefit? can you give an example for your rationale?

Well, I don’t think it’s just one or the other. I do consider others when making some decisions if it will affect them in some way, too. I want to do what will benefit everyone if possible. I definitely don’t want to hurt anyone. For so long I put others needs first, and ignored my own. However, sometimes you have to do what’s right for you. You are the one living your life, and it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. You don’t have to consider others when making every single decision. Some things are just more personal and will have a greater effect on your life.

does media rhetoric about millennials tend to get it way wrong or do you find some of the criticisms and observations about this generation to be fair?

Some of it maybe, but I think some of what is said can be a bit harsh and just untrue. At least not true for all of us. Times are different now, and a lot has changed. It doesn’t mean we don’t have struggles of our own. Our lives aren’t perfect. We are lucky to have the advancements we have, and yes it can’t be denied that it has been convenient and helps make things a little easier. However, we still have to work hard. Plus, they have to remember who raised us. If they have any complaints about millennials being lazy or whatever it is, maybe consider they have something to do with that.

do you tend to read reviews before you watch a movie or read a book? what do you hope to get out of doing so?

Not usually. I read using the Kindle app, so it does show ratings for each book as well as reviews. If I’m not sure about a book, I might check out some of the reviews just to get a better idea. If it interests me, I’ll read it regardless of the reviews. With movies, I’ll often hear about it if it’s like a big movie. I’ll hear or read somewhere online if it’s good or if it’s a flop at the box office. If it’s a movie I haven’t heard much about, I might look it up to read about the movie itself and base my decision on that. Again, even if there are bad reviews for a movie and Rotten Tomatoes gives it a bad score or whatever, it doesn’t really stop me from the seeing the movie if it’s something that interests me. I ultimately make the decision. I’ve heard about movies that are supposed to be hilarious that I found to be stupid. On the flip side, I’ve heard about movies that had bad reviews and I enjoyed it, so. You can’t always go by that.

do you find that visiting certain websites can put you in a bad mood? have you ever taken a break from a website?

Well, sure. Like with Facebook, for example. People only share the good stuff generally, and so from that perspective it can seem like everyone else has this happy and perfect life. I’ll see pictures of couples and people traveling and doing fun things, and I’m just here in bed feeling like crap all the time. It’s like everyone else is doing something with their lives, no problems at all. I know that’s not true, but it’s easy to get caught up in that. It can make you feel bad. On Tumblr, I follow some blogs that post sad things. I come across sad quotes and sad posts that people post about their own lives. It certainly doesn’t do any good if you’re already feeling depressed yourself. And yet, I follow the blogs that post stuff like that.

when you go to a concert, how far must you travel for the most usual venues you visit?

Only about forty-five minutes to an hour.

if you feel that a friendship or new relationship is not going to work out, how do you handle that situation? do you allow it to continue in hopes of improvement or do you have any strategies on how to make it end?

Hmm. If it’s a friendship, it’ll likely just fizzle out and we drift apart. If it was a relationship, I wouldn’t want to keep it going for long if things just weren’t working out. If you’ve given it a try and it’s not working, it’s best to just put an end to it before it goes too long and gets more complicated. It’s not fair to you or the other person.

what is a personality trait you possess that you consider to be negative and positive (ex. you are a good judge of people but sometimes you judge others too quickly)?

Hmm... I don’t know.

what was the last sporting event you watched? who were you rooting for and who ended up winning?

I don’t care for sports at all.

have you ever created a fake internet persona for yourself?

Nope.

what was going on in your life at this time last year? would you rather your current life be as it is right now or as it was then?

Things were still going pretty well between Ty and I. We were still hanging out a lot and whatnot towards the beginning of this month. I think he was already back in school by this point; though, so I knew our hangouts wouldn’t be as much. We were still getting together for coffee or lunch at least once a week. We did that, and it was going well until March.

how similar is your current life to what you once imagined it would be at this moment (e.g., “i never imagined that i would have children at this age, but here i am!”)?

Younger me didn’t think a whole lot about what future me might be doing by a certain point. Even now I don’t do that. I dwell a lot on the past, and I deal with the stuff in the present, but the future terrifies me. However, I can assure you that I didn’t think I’d be wasting away or that my health would get worse. I’m sure I at least thought I’d be doing something with my life by this point.

in any of your areas of interest, is there a certain theory, viewpoint, or scholar that you tend to disagree with, even if it is popular among others? if no fields of interest come to mind, is there a line of advice that you disagree with, but is popular with others?

Well, yeah. I majored in psychology, and there are a lot of different theories and viewpoints. Like, behavioral psychologists think one thing and clinical psychologists think another. Sigmund Freud had his interesting theories that people don’t all agree with.

what is something that you feel is lacking in your life? are you working to achieve this or is it something that’s more up to happenstance?

I’m lacking a lot of things. Things like happiness, drive, motivation, ambition, passion, money, adventure, good health, purpose...

is it easy for you to get stuck in prolonged bouts of sadness or do you tend to bounce back very quickly?

I’ve struggled with depression for much of my life, but when I was in school, doing something with my time to keep me busy, and when I actually had more of a social life; it came in bouts usually. Sadness would hit me at certain times like if I had a little too much free time or when I was up alone at night. School just kept me occupied for the most part, and I would push the sadness aside and focus on that. I always was one who put my own stuff aside and was there for others and focused on them and their problems. I did that for years. The thing about always pushing stuff aside and not dealing with it is that at some point it will rear its ugly head and demand to be dealt with. That’s what happened when I graduated college and had a ton of free time to be alone with my thoughts and dwell on everything. I sank further and further into depression, and it wasn’t something I could just push aside and bounce back from. I was in too deep, and now I can’t figure out how to get out.

do you enjoy going to weddings or showers? what is it that you like or dislike about them?

I’ve only been to three weddings, which I thought were nice and pretty fun. I’ve been to one wedding shower, which was nice as well. I don’t have any complaints about them.

think about your favorite thing to do. how easily would you be able to cope if you were physically non longer able to do that thing, or had to dramatically cut down on time spent doing it? what would you do instead?

Is it sad the only things I like to do are Tumblr, surveys, read, color, and watch TV? I don’t do much of anything else. :/ If I couldn’t do any of those things then damn what would I do?

what do you predict will happen to humanity in the future, with the imminence of global warming’s destruction of the planet? e.g., there’s no hope or we will leave the planet, etc.

I don’t know, I’d rather not think about it.

is there a person in your life whom you support by showing up for the sports games, concerts, or other performances?

I don’t know anyone who is involved in any of that kind of stuff. However, I support my family in other ways in what they do.

when you revisit some of your old favorites, whether music, films, or something else are you ever surprised at how much you dislike it now?

That hasn’t really happened. I still like it now like I did then, and sometimes even more so because I have a better understanding and appreciation for it as I get older.

what does your favorite shirt look like?

I don’t have a favorite shirt.

what are your favorite kind of jeans?

Dark wash skinny jeans.

how many video games do you have?

I don’t have any.

how many does your dining room/kitchen table seat?

It can sit about eight.

what kind of cookie do you like best?

Shortbread, sugar, and wafer.

do you get the meat from the deli?

I don’t recall the last time we did that.

do you own a bike/scooter/skateboard/etc.?

Nope.

ever played on a sports team?

No.

are you listening to any music?

No.

why did you take the last pill you took?

It was my pain medication. You can probably guess why I took it.

are you happy with your looks?

No.

which was worst for you: freshman year of high school or of college?

High School.

do you prefer your men/women to have light hair or dark hair?

Whichever.

do you wish someone would call or text you right now?

No.

who was the last person you laid in a bed with?

My mom. We were catching up on some Dr. Phil episodes we had missed recently.

has a girl ever stayed up with you all night? a guy?

Yeah.

the last person you kissed treat you right?

No.

who is someone who puts up with you no matter what?

My family. Thank goodness for them.

do you have trust issues?

I just have a hard time opening up and expressing myself.

if you could find one long lost friend of the past, who would it be?

My friends from middle school.

when was the last time you colored with crayons?

I don’t know. I use colored pencils when I color.

do you sunburn easily?

No.

what’s your favorite filling in chocolates?

None.

what breed of dog do you find the most annoying?

Aww. I don’t know.

what would you name your first born son?

would you ever attend a gay pride parade or festival?

Sure.

have you ever had sex?

No.

do you like oral sex?

do you think guys look good with make up?

I used to be into the guys with eyeliner look when I was younger.

have you ever pierced yourself?

Noooooo.

did you ever have a retainer

Nope.

were you/are you popular in school?

Haha no.

have you ever 69'ed?

are you a wrestling fan?

Nope.

do you/did you like high school?

I liked some parts of it, like the rallies.

how long would you wait to become sexually active with someone you’re dating?

There isn’t a certain amount of time that I’m like, ‘okay after X amount of time I want to have sex with them.’ However long until I’m ready.

when did you last make up a baby’s bottle?

Not since my seventeen year old brother was a baby.

ever been addicted to a video/computer game? which one?

Yeah, The Sims.

what’s something you should throw away, but can’t? what value does it hold to you? explain.

I hold onto a lot of things because of emotional attachment.

do you enjoy a good debate or prefer keeping the peace?

I don’t debate.

where did you last stay overnight other than your house?

A hotel.

can you ever see yourself and your ex back together?

No.

who is the funniest person you know?

Everyone I know is pretty funny.

what would happen if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?

Yikes.

are you going to any concerts or festivals this summer?

Nope.

when was the last time you went to the movie theaters? what movie did you see?

Yesterday I saw Split with my mom and brother.

did you ever go to a mental hospital?

Yes. The psychology club I was in visited one.

are you a person that enjoys re-reading books?

I never re-read books, actually. I don’t really know why.

what do you think of country music?

I like some of it.

when you apply your make-up, do you do it in a specific order?

Eyeliner then mascara.

do you like a partner who is clean cut or rugged?

More clean cut, but a little ruggedness isn’t bad.

new tats in your near future?

I don’t have any old tats to begin with.

how about piercings or re-piercings?

No.

do converse look/feel uncomfortable to you?

Nope. I wear my black and white ones all the time.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 5 years

Text

Podcast | Abandoned: Loss of Friendships

The feeling of abandonment can span through all types of relationships and in this episode, we focus on friendships. Have you ever had a close friend abandon you or have you ever exited a friendship without notice? The emotions and actions surrounding the abandonment of friends can be complex and hurtful, but they are very real and can hurt deeply.

In this episode, Jackie recounts friendships that were very important to her and how she’s handling the loss of them.

(Transcript Available Below)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Abandoned’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Gabe: Pay attention Not Crazy fans, right now Not Crazy listeners get 25% off a Calm premium subscription at Calm.com/NotCrazy. That’s C-A-L-M dot com slash Not Crazy. Forty million people have downloaded Calm. Find out why at Calm.com/NotCrazy.

Gabe: Hello, everyone, welcome to this week’s episode of Not Crazy. I want to introduce my co-host, Jackie Zimmerman. She’s married to an aspiring rap artist and she lives with depression.

Jackie: And I would like to introduce you to my co-host, Gabe Howard, who lives with bipolar and is also my husband’s number one fan.

Gabe: I love him so much.

Jackie: He’s a really good person. I love him too.

Gabe: I like to brush my teeth and go to bed on time. It’s really cool. It’s a good song. You should check it out on YouTube. What’s his rap name?

Jackie: Ben Holmes, but it’s not under that. I think it’s on my YouTube. Rewinding to let everybody know we’re talking about. We made a rap video for my nephew’s fifth birthday. And it is on YouTube. It’s called ‘Bout to be Five. If you’d like to look it up, it’s a jam. It really is.

Gabe: It is really, really cool. One of the reasons that we’re talking about our spouses so much is because, one, you know, Christmas is coming and we want to make sure that we do well this year, but two because people tend to think about romantic relationships as the only thing that can really cause you like abandonment issues or trauma or, you know, your parents can mess you up, family can mess you up and love can mess you up. But then there’s this whole seedy underbelly that can mess you up. And that’s our friends.

Jackie: I couldn’t agree more, and actually I have been talking about this in therapy a lot because I have a few friends or I guess former friends now whomp, whomp who were like family or were really close. These were people I developed very lengthy, intense, in-depth friendships with who I loved very much, who are no longer my friends. And I have had a really hard time dealing with this. So this is something that hits home with me right now. A lot.

Gabe: There’s many ways that friends can exit our lives in some of these things are healthy. You know, I’m not friends with the people that I was friends with in kindergarten. I’m not friends with the people that I was friends with in middle school. And honestly, I’m really not friends with the majority of people that I was friends with in high school. Really, relationships tend to kind of go with your station in life. It’s one of the reasons that parents always seem to have friends who are also parents and their kids just happen to play together like, you know, these are the things that bind us in. And after school, for example, you know, you tend to move away. You know, I graduated high school in Pennsylvania and I moved to Ohio. Well, nobody followed me. So distance became an issue. The world is getting smaller. Distances is less of a reason to end a friendship in 2019 than it was in 1999 and especially in 1979 for our older listeners. But some of these reasons are healthy. They’re expected. It’s part of growing up. But we want to talk about the reasons that are unexpected and the ones that well, they cause pain.

Jackie: Not only do they cause pain, but it’s a sincere sense of loss. Right? So it’s not just, oh, I had this friend. They were really cool. We’re not friends anymore. It’s like a void in your life of this person that you had. And it almost parallels a romantic relationship in terms of the role that they played in your life. Like how big the role was. You know, maybe you called them every day on your way home from work. Things like that where people play this role in your life. And then when they’re not there anymore, it’s very clear that they’re not there. There’s a very clear hole there. And not only do you miss them, but then it turns into the abandonment part, which for me is always, what did I do wrong? How is this my fault? They left because I did something.

Gabe: Let’s hit this hard on the head. So obviously a friendship ending prematurely or in a way where one party doesn’t want it. It’s going to cause trauma and some of that trauma can be worked out just in grief. You’re grieving the loss of your friend. That’s not what this show is about. So fuck that. Forget it. Move it to the side. When that happens too much, that’s the abandonment issue that we’re talking about, right. Because you visit that sensation on to other people. See, grief is very localized. You’re grieving the loss of Bob. Whereas an abandonment issue is widespread. You’re grieving the loss of Bob on John. You’re the grieving the loss of Bob on to Jane. All of these other people are starting to see the effects of

Jackie: Mm hmm.

Gabe: What you and Bob went through. It lingers. Our show is about lived experience. And Jackie and I are going to tell you what we went through and how we handled it and share with you. But just to let you know exactly what we’re talking about from the medical establishment, the definition of an abandonment issue is?

Jackie: Before I give you the definition that I have right now, I want to put it out there that there are a boatload of different definitions about abandonment. There’s also different kinds of abandonment. There’s emotional abandonment. There’s physical abandonment. The definition that I’m going to read right now says that abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss. This loss could also be related to a traumatic event, such as the loss of a parent through death or divorce. It can also come from not getting enough physical or emotional care. But to be clear, although a lot of abandonment issues are thought to stem from childhood issues. It’s not always the case. You can have abandonment issues that were started late in life and the catalysts could be something that happened well past your childhood years. If you want more details on abandonment and how it works and where it starts and the different kinds, I would recommend checking out PsychCentral.com. They are a lot more eloquent and also factual than I am.

Gabe: I always love it when you give a plug to PsychCentral.com because it makes the people that support the podcast extraordinarily happy. Thank you, Jackie.

Jackie: Also, they’re smarter than I am. So, I mean, that’s definitely worth going there for.

Gabe: Jackie has a compelling story of losing not one, but two friends to her abandonment issues.

Jackie: Oh, this is so sad already.

Gabe: On the Not Crazy Lifetime movie, Jackie Zimmerman, a woman lost.

Jackie: Without going into excessive detail as an adult, I have had two very close friends who were long term friends from high school. I am no longer really friends with either of them. One of them ended on a poor note. One of them just kind of faded into oblivion. And there is definitely a void in my life where these friendships once existed.

Gabe: Let’s break that out a little. Let’s talk about the friendship that just sort of faded out, because when I hear the friendship just kind of faded out, the thing that I think of is that natural causes thing. You moved away, you went in different directions in life. Maybe they got married and had children, whereas you stayed single and that just sort of made you grow apart. But for you, it’s more than that, right? Even though there didn’t seem to be like a big blow up and fight and I’m not your friend anymore. You still see this growing apart as problematic or impactful or traumatic.

Jackie: The root of that friendship’s fizzling was one conversation. I remember it in detail. I know that is exactly the moment when it started and it was when I was questioning a relationship that she was in. It didn’t go well. We’ll just say that. And we stopped talking after that and we tried for years to kind of rekindle this friendship and start over. And actually all these terms that you use in a romantic relationship. Right. Let’s to start over. Let’s try again. Give it another shot. Go back to how it used to be. All of those sort of well intentioned things that can literally never happen once a trauma happens in any kind of relationship. I am a firm believer that you can’t just go back. You can’t just pretend like it never happened. So we spent years trying to fix it, trying to rekindle it, trying to change it and make our friendship grow with us because we were changing as well. And it just didn’t happen. And over time, we checked in less and hung out less and saw each other less. And I just kind of faded off because I think we both really wanted the friendship we had and we know that it will never be that way ever again.

Gabe: Do you think that the two of you would still be friends if you never questioned her romantic relationship as her friend?

Jackie: Well, as it turns out, I have put some thought into this. The reality is probably not. I think we would not have fallen apart so long ago as we did, had I not questioned that relationship. But she’s still with this person and that alone would have driven a wedge through us because I don’t think that it was necessarily a good person at the right time. But also stepping back from that friendship now, I’ve had a chance to assess it and look at it and look at us as individuals and what we brought into each other’s lives. And I’m not convinced that it was anything that is irreplaceable, as awful as that sounds. Right? And if she happens to be listening to this and I already feel guilt for what she’s going to feel about saying all these things, but I’ve looked at who she is as a person and who I am as a person. And I think we have different values now that we’re older and things have changed. And I think we would still be acquaintances. I don’t think we would ever be besties again.

Gabe: It’s an interesting thing that you said there, because you said that you think that the friendship would have just grown apart naturally on its own. But if you didn’t bring up that conversation about her love interest, then you wouldn’t feel guilt. So even though you would have ended up in the exact same place, you wouldn’t have anything to blame yourself for. You would have felt like the growing apart was equal. So you’re going back to one moment in time and saying, A-ha, this is my fault. But now in retrospect, you’re also saying, hey, I think the die was cast. I think that we were growing apart as we reached our 30s. And that’s just something that just happens naturally anyway. So that’s very interesting to me, because on one hand, you’re acknowledging that the relationship was already growing apart. But on the other hand, you’re also acknowledging that you blew it up. You��re a bad person and it’s all your fault.

Jackie: Correct.

Gabe: Those two things don’t coexist.

Jackie: They don’t.

Gabe: Why are you blaming yourself?

Jackie: Because in this version of the history, which is what happened, I was the catalyst for an explosive conversation slash argument that we had, and I can’t undo that. And even though I didn’t try to undo it, but I tried to clarify it or I tried to assuage it a bit when she and I talked after that, the damage had already been done. So if you look at it from this perspective, this was in essence in a dramatic way. My fault. I was the catalyst. It was never the same because of me. Even if we were headed down a path where maybe we weren’t gonna be as close, that sting is a lot less than I am the reason we don’t talk anymore.

Gabe: Let’s flip the script entirely, Jackie. Everything happened exactly how you said it, but you were just being honest. You were looking out for your friend. You saw a concern and you voiced it. And she, ugh, she did not respect your opinion. She just ignored you entirely. Didn’t thank you for your concern. Just didn’t even care about you at all and just abandoned you and ran off. Why isn’t that the truth? Why didn’t she cause the crisis of breaking up the relationship for not respecting your honesty? Because after all, you were just being honest with your friend. Isn’t that what friendship is based on? Honesty and good communication?

Jackie: This version is something that I have thought about, too, and when I was really angry and really mad at her for how our friendship had fallen apart, this is the version that I told myself was it’s all her fault. She really fucked up here. I’m such a good friend. I am such a good friend. Like, what is she thinking? But that version, the anger goes away when the hurt creeps in because the root of anger a lot of times is fear or sadness or something like that. And in this situation, it is it’s much easier to be angry at her. I would love to be angry at her, because then I would feel I think I would feel better. Maybe I would, but I’m not angry at her. And instead, I’m just really, really sad about it.

Gabe: We will be right back after we hear from our sponsors.

Announcer: Interested in learning about psychology and mental health from experts in the field? Give a listen to the Psych Central Podcast, hosted by Gabe Howard. Visit PsychCentral.com/Show or subscribe to The Psych Central Podcast on your favorite podcast player.

Gabe: Hey Not Crazy fans, this is one of your hosts, Gabe Howard. Are you struggling to sleep these days? Did you know that a good night’s sleep is like a magic remedy for the brain and body? When we sleep well, we are more focused and relaxed, and best of all, sleep makes us happier. And that’s why we are partnering with Calm, the number one ap for sleep. If you want to seize the day and sleep the night, you can with the help of Calm. Right now Not Crazy listeners get 25% off a Calm premium subscription at Calm.com/NotCrazy. That’s C A L M dot com slash Not Crazy. Forty million people have downloaded Calm. Find out why at Calm.com/NotCrazy.

Announcer: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Jackie: We wouldn’t abandon you. We are back talking about abandonment issues.

Gabe: Do you think that for you, that hurt is a more prevalent and stronger emotion than anger? And that’s why the hurt has risen to the top and the anger is sort of diminished.

Jackie: Yes, for me, I think anger is one dimensional for me, and I hope that I explain this correctly. When I’m angry. I’m just mad. I’m like seeing red. Looking forward, I’m angry at the one thing that I’m seeing that’s making me angry. And when I’m hurt, it’s almost like it opens up this space for all these other emotions, for guilt, for loss, for regret, for all of these other feelings. When I’m feeling sad or feeling like somebody has hurt me personally, all those other things come into play as well. It’s not as one dimensional, it’s more complex. And it allows for me to blame myself in that mix. And also it allows me to feel things like abandonment and then maybe I’ll get angry about the abandonment, but then I’ll just be really sad that I lost my friend again. It’s like a sad cycle.

Gabe: And that’s, of course, what’s important to realize, right? That’s how you process this. That’s how anger and sadness and loss. That’s how it all exists inside little Jackie’s head. But for example, me, if that exact same thing had happened to me and I could just be angry the entire time. Like loss wouldn’t even come into it. I mean, loss would come into it because loss would be driving the anger. But that’s how I manage my emotions. But other people aren’t. And that’s one of the reasons that these things are so difficult to work out, because you could explain this story to 10 different well-meaning people and get 10 different pieces of perfectly accurate and honest and well intentioned advice. And none of it could be true for you. And that’s really complex. And I know we sound kind of like a broken record, but that’s where therapy is very helpful because you’ve worked out a lot of this stuff in therapy because it helps you decide the best path forward on an individual personalized level. And I think a lot of people with abandonment issues don’t realize that they think that they can emotion their feelings away.

Jackie: Well, the other part of it, too, is I think even when, you know, it’s a we’ll say overreaction or not an appropriate reaction, when I can identify my anger is not warranted or even my sadness and my guilt is not warranted. It doesn’t mean it goes away. So I think people who are maybe opposed to working this stuff out in therapy are like, well, I know that this is ridiculous, so that means that I have solved it. I’ve gotten to the root of it. It’s done. It doesn’t matter anymore because I know that it is the way that it is. But not for me, even when I know the way that I’m feeling is not the appropriate reaction. I still am feeling that way and have to get over that.

Gabe: And you have a twofer, because that’s the one that you said the wrong thing, you remember the moment, it just kind of flitted away and you have very strong feelings about it. You don’t know what to do. It’s all living inside your head and it’s causing you to be bummed out.

Jackie: Yes.

Gabe: But then you also had the eruption, the more stereotypical dramatic television moment where everybody’s yelling each other. And in an instant, you go from we’re friends to we’re not. There’s no wonder, there’s no slowness. It’s Hiroshima.

Jackie: Yes.

Gabe: What happened there?

Jackie: With the other friend?

Gabe: No, we’re talking about baked goods now. Yeah. What happened with the other friend?

Jackie: This one is more complex because even I don’t really know what happened. And that’s part of why it hurts so much and why there’s such a void there. And it’s also a major part of why I blame myself so much, because it’s much easier to tell myself a narrative of what I did wrong or to rethink my steps or to think about how I could have handled it differently or what I could have said differently, because I don’t know the reason why we are no longer friends anymore. There was a catalyst that I’m not interested in talking about. But it wasn’t a clear catalyst. It wasn’t like after that she was like, Go fuck yourself. And I was like, you go fuck yourself. And then we never spoke again. It was something that felt on the outside of our relationship that affected our friendship in a way that I never dreamed was possible. I never dreamed that we would not be friends at the end of what happened.

Gabe: Do you think that there was ever a point where it was fixable? Because, you know, to my Hiroshima joke, you’re kind of saying that never happened. Nobody dropped a bomb on your friendship, but there was a moment. And I know it’s difficult, you know, to protect the privacy of the people you are, you know, part of public sharing is to remember that we can only share our side of the story and we can’t necessarily share the side of others because we have to protect their privacy. But as best as you can, what was that moment? Were you in person? Was there yelling? Was there screaming? Did somebody say, lose my number and never call me again and you did? I mean, how did you know that it was over?

Jackie: It was an email, which feels like the ultimate breakup move, right? Send somebody an email or text that says we’re no longer together. At the end of this event, we’ll say that was pretty toxic, I thought. At no point did I ever think our friendship wasn’t fixable. We had been friends for almost 20 years at that point. We had been through all of my sickness. She supported all of that. She supported the death of my father. She was family. My family considered her family. We were family. So I never dreamed that we couldn’t fix it because you can almost always fix something with family. Even when it gets really bad. And she sent me an email that basically was like, I’m about to go through a massive life changing thing. She was pregnant at the time and I don’t have time to handle this. I don’t have the capacity right now to handle all of this, which I respected. So I will talk to you maybe after my baby is born. And that was two and a half years ago and I haven’t heard from her. So the email that I got from her basically stating that was so unexpected because it was the first time she’d ever said, no, I don’t want to be around you.

Jackie: I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want anything to do with you right now. But maybe in the future, I will. And now that we are in the future, I have still not heard from her. And that’s probably the hardest part. That’s the part that that’s the part that kind of breaks my heart. Oh, I’m crying. I’m crying because it’s still a very real pain. Like, I miss her a lot. But there’s also a lot of anger there now because it’s been so long. There was the opportunity for her to reach out to help maybe rectify this or even to tell me this was never gonna get better. But here’s some closure. Not that she owes me closure. Second guessing, right? She owes me this, she doesn’t owe me this. I feel guilt, I shouldn’t feel guilt. All of the things where I do feel heavily abandoned by her. And I’m sure her version of what happened is very different. And that’s I would love to know her version. I’m not sure I have the right to know her version, because whatever she’s feeling is probably just as much hurt as I’m feeling. The worst part is that I don’t have a chance to rectify it because I don’t know what happened.

Gabe: Let’s hang on to something that you said for a moment. You said that, you know, that her version would be much different and that you don’t know what her version of events are and that you don’t believe that you have any right to know it. I think that’s a very interesting statement because so many people are trapped in this cycle where they’re constantly telling themselves, if I only knew what happened, I could get better. And the reality is, is that’s not a lock. You can know what happened from another person’s perspective and it can become much worse. Now, it is true, it can also become much better. But forget about both of those things. The thing that I want to make sure that people understand is that there is a path forward without ever talking to the other person. And so many people believe and we talk about these traumas that involve our friends. And when we feel abandoned by people, we believe so strongly that our only path forward is hand-in-hand with that other person. Nothing could be further from the truth. There is a path forward for you and you alone, because ultimately, they’re your emotions, they’re your feelings. And whatever the other person is thinking, feeling or doing has little to do with you. And it’s a bit egotistical to think that what they’re feeling and doing and thinking has something to do with you anyway. If you think about it that way, you have to be in control of your own emotions. You have to be able to move forward and you can’t expect somebody else to fix you. And that’s kind of what that sounds like to me when people say that. Well, as soon as they explain it to me, I’ll be fine. Really? So you owe your happiness to an outside source. That doesn’t that doesn’t sound right to me. You’ve already gotten there. Can you tell us how?

Jackie: Do you mean that I am moving forward basically knowing that I’m never going to talk to her about what happened?

Gabe: I mean, you’ve accepted that you can get better without her involvement, that you can move forward without her involvement,

Jackie: Yeah.

Gabe: That there is life ahead that is emotionally and positively fulfilling, that you don’t need her to unlock or achieve.

Jackie: Well, part of it is what you said, where I know that if I talk to her and let’s say the way that she remembers this, I am horrible. I did awful things to her. And she remembers it in a way that I don’t. That’s not going to help me heal from this at all. That’s probably actually going to make it worse. And I’m not saying I don’t want to hear it just so I can continue to feel better about myself. But her version of the story very likely will not help me get through this, even though I really want to think that it will. In reality, it’s probably not going to. The other part of this is that I have accepted that I probably will not completely heal from this. This is a devastating loss. And I talk about this a lot in therapy. Another plug for therapy because it feels like she died. That’s the loss. It feels heavy like she died, but she didn’t. She’s still out in the world living out there. And I am not a part of her life. So it’s almost a double whammy, right? It feels like the heavy loss of a death, but it’s not. It’s worse because I could talk to her and I can’t. I know that that devastating loss is not going to go away 100 percent.

Jackie: It’s just not. It’s like when you do lose someone to death, you never completely get over it. But what I have committed to doing is continuing to just move forward and know that her friendship is not the only friendship I’m ever going to have in my life. I will have other friends. It’s not going to be 20 years friendship. It’s not going to be the same kind. It may never be as deep and meaningful as that one was, but it doesn’t mean I’m gonna be sitting at home in my house really wishing I had people to hang out with all the time. Part of being someone who commits to mental wellness of myself means that I don’t let myself continue to mull about it over and over and over again, because I know I’m not going to get anywhere. I’m not going to get the solutions. I’m not going to get the closure that I want because she’s not a part of it. And like I said, even if I did have her, I probably still wouldn’t get it. So it’s understanding that closure may never happen. And choosing to say, OK, well, that sucks, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.

Gabe: Jackie, thank you so much for your candor during this episode. One of the takeaways for me is like the Rolling Stones said, you can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need. Thank you, everybody, for listening in. Here is what we need you to do. One, we always put a funny after the credits. So if you’re not listening to them, you’re really missing out because Jackie and I mess up a lot. Wherever you downloaded this podcast, there’s this thing called rankings. You can give us as many stars or dots or bullets or hearts or whatever as is humanly possible. But also use your words. Subscribe to our podcast, tell your friends about our podcast, do everything that you can to shout Not Crazy from the social media rooftops. And we’ll see you next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to Not Crazy from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. To work with Jackie, go to JackieZimmerman.co. Not Crazy travels well. Have Gabe and Jackie record an episode live at your next event. E-mail [email protected] for details.

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erraticfairy · 5 years

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Podcast | Abandoned: Loss of Friendships

In this episode, Jackie recounts friendships that were very important to her and how she’s handling the loss of them.

(Transcript Available Below)

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About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Abandoned’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Gabe: Hello, everyone, welcome to this week’s episode of Not Crazy. I want to introduce my co-host, Jackie Zimmerman. She’s married to an aspiring rap artist and she lives with depression.

Jackie: And I would like to introduce you to my co-host, Gabe Howard, who lives with bipolar and is also my husband’s number one fan.

Gabe: I love him so much.

Jackie: He’s a really good person. I love him too.

Gabe: I like to brush my teeth and go to bed on time. It’s really cool. It’s a good song. You should check it out on YouTube. What’s his rap name?

Jackie: Mm hmm.

Gabe: I always love it when you give a plug to PsychCentral.com because it makes the people that support the podcast extraordinarily happy. Thank you, Jackie.

Jackie: Also, they’re smarter than I am. So, I mean, that’s definitely worth going there for.

Gabe: Jackie has a compelling story of losing not one, but two friends to her abandonment issues.

Jackie: Oh, this is so sad already.

Gabe: On the Not Crazy Lifetime movie, Jackie Zimmerman, a woman lost.

Gabe: Do you think that the two of you would still be friends if you never questioned her romantic relationship as her friend?

Jackie: Correct.

Gabe: Those two things don’t coexist.

Jackie: They don’t.

Gabe: Why are you blaming yourself?

Gabe: We will be right back after we hear from our sponsors.

Jackie: We wouldn’t abandon you. We are back talking about abandonment issues.

Gabe: Do you think that for you, that hurt is a more prevalent and stronger emotion than anger? And that’s why the hurt has risen to the top and the anger is sort of diminished.

Jackie: Yes.

Gabe: What happened there?

Jackie: With the other friend?

Gabe: No, we’re talking about baked goods now. Yeah. What happened with the other friend?

Jackie: Do you mean that I am moving forward basically knowing that I’m never going to talk to her about what happened?

Gabe: I mean, you’ve accepted that you can get better without her involvement, that you can move forward without her involvement,

Jackie: Yeah.

Gabe: That there is life ahead that is emotionally and positively fulfilling, that you don’t need her to unlock or achieve.

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