#and im sad itll be gone | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stillfacingthesky · 8 months

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being trans is such a mindfuck. nobody knows who i am. i dont need to come out, im fine as i am. i hide behind my clothes. i dont recognise myself in the mirror. i dont know if i ever will. i want to transition. im scared of change. i want to be seen and known. i am in danger. queer joy is beautiful. i am more open than a queer person used to be able to be. someone like me was murdered yesterday. i saw their face on the news, and the reporter used the wrong name. wearing mens’ clothes brings me joy, and the joy is reminiscent of a little girl. i want to be pretty. my skin doesnt fit and my voice is not mine. im scared i might love my father more. i dont need to come out, i can manage this all. im going to die someday anyway, it wont matter. a kid was staring at me in the bookstore today and i saw my past in their eyes. i wonder if they saw their future in mine. i want to be someones boyfriend. i am my brothers sister. all bodies are beautiful except mine. god created grapes but not wine and wheat but not bread. god hates fags. there is something wrong with me. if i ignore it, itll go away. its not going away. it hasnt gone away in seven years. i dont want to be a stereotype. i love brash vulgarity. my mother thinks i am beautiful. i share her face. i know ill regret it if i never come out. i dont want to waste my life wearing a costume. i dont know if i want to sacrifice the life that ive had for the life i could have. someone out there understands me. someone else would kill me without regret. someone would cry if i was gone. someone would praise my killer as a hero. there are photos and illustrations of people like me in the past. our history has been erased. theyre still trying to erase us. i dont know if the present is worth the future. i want to be happy. i dont feel like i deserve it. ‘female’ leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. ‘woman’ makes me see stars. i am one but not the other. i am the ghost of the person i want to be. i encourage others and love them regardless. i am a hypocrite. ive been in hiding since i was thirteen. i want to be loud. my mother spent nine months creating me. i will spend the rest of my life creating myself. i am scared. i am angry. i am beautiful and sickening and i want to rip my skin apart to make space for something new. my rage is glorious. they will never understand. i do not need them to. i am so lonely. i am an artist and i want to be a masterpiece. they call my creation mutilation. i dont want to make my parents sad. i want my brother to like me. i am visibly queer. that man shouted at me to smile because he was treating me like a woman. what i have right now is enough. i want more. i don’t know if ill ever have it. if i die tomorrow, i will be buried in a dress. it will be a dress that is already in my closet, a pretty dress that i havent worn in years.

#transmasc #trans #trans*#queerness #queer

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your-jellyfish-senpai · 2 years

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Work stress is frankly the highest it's been since I started this job (approx six months ago) and it is actively having a very negative impact on my mental health haha

#its like. it could be worse #bc i know that my work is flexible and are clients are busy anyway so if things get help up its whatever #but its a LOT of work for less than two weeks of time #and then ill be off for a week in june to go camping #like right at the start of the month #so thats stressing me out haha #like i have. this week and next? and the following week okay #but then im gone for a week #anyway the work stress just makes me feel unstable and im being more sensitive than usual and irritable #and sad so sad #and self deprecating and real fucking insecure physically and i just. hhh #i dont really know what to do #like itll be fine but god it sucks

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ahiijny · 2 years

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#ahi's ramblings #anyway menhera-wise i feel like im mostly back to normal now #i can think about topics like death and whatnot w/o falling into a crippling downspiral of anxiety #i mean its still there looming but it's a lot more distant now #im sure itll come back later as time passes but for now im fine #24 is a bit young to be having a midlife crisis isnt it? lol #well i guess for the twitter demographic 24 can be considered middle-aged #old even :3 #but dam i spent pretty much that entire week of pto just recovering my mental #wat a waste #oh well #this all started bc i started randomly getting dizzy if i tossed and turned too quickly in bed #which im pretty sure isnt anything serious bc its happened before and it usually goes away after a week or so #its gone now as well #probably just a symptom of sleep deprivation or not getting enough exercise or not eating well or whatever #but anyway this led to hypochondriac thoughts #and then thoughts about mortality and death #and then worries and sadness about my parents who are not young anymore #my mom is too skinny tho (she keeps skipping lunch when she has work :/)#and my dad had a stroke last year (he takes blood thinners etc. now iirc)#other than that theyre both pretty healthy for the most part tbh #im probably worrying over nothing #my mom ran long distance when she was younger and unlike me my parents both really love sports and biking etc.#anyway #im gonna try to exercise more and help out my parents more around the home #and aside from that i will try to not worry about things i cant do anything about anyway #might delete this later

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sun-stricken · 2 months

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Some ideas for you! Take your pick!

Gray frequents the infirmary the most. In one of my ideas lately, after thinking about iced shell, maybe ice make makes the body a bit more…prone to cracking? Maybe he bruises easy and gets a lot of head wounds. It’s why he’s always in bandages longer. I like the idea of Porlyusica getting sick of him.

Team Natsu/the guild/slayers taking care of him, even when he doesn’t realise it. (Against pervs, against himself, maybe people are a bit racist (with him being not from Fiore).

Gray gets sad sometimes and dissociates.

Gray has night terrors so he has sleeping pills, but on missions he also has caffeine tablets to keep him awake so he doesn’t have terrors around them. Safe to say, they aren’t happy when they find this.

Lucy asks Gray about where he’s from, traditions etc, and the guild realises he might be homesick so they secretly try to learn things for him. (Over the years they’ve picked up swear words (Gray doesn’t realise he’s doing it and they’ve never told him))

Gray’s actually quite touch starved. His body temperature is cold so most people stay away/ don’t touch him (but don’t realise they’re doing it). The only one who can stand is Natsu because of his magic. Maybe it gets worse after becoming a slayer.

…also do you take spicy requests?

you cant just give me all these amazing concepts and tell me to pick☹️ i will do a little for all of them if it kills me

Also yes! i absolutely do take nsfw requests! feel free to ask me anything! im surprised it took so long to ask me that tbh

there is a lot here so vv

* Hes the single reason why the guild infirmary is always having to restock

* Due to Grays multiple usages of iced shell some of his body did turn to ice, most sections of his bones, it looks like a normal bones but it acts like ice, which means hes more likely to break a bone

* unfortunately, its not like a normal broken bone for obvious reasons. itll splinter and have hairline cracks all over the bones before it breaks.

* It takes less time to heal than a normal break, he just has to get it wrapped and limit his usage of his magic so it can ‘heal’ (as in, ice it over again) the breaks and cracks. It takes less time to heal and also less pressure to break, win lose situation tbh

* Which is also why head wounds are especially dangerous for him, skull fractures are more common for him than anyone would like, which is to say any at all

* His external body temperature is low and causes him to bruise like a peach, getting a friendly slap on the back can cause him to bruise for weeks, especially from Erza

* bro hasnt gone a day without a bruise in like ten years

* Hes been dragged to Porlyusica so many times now that anytime she sees him (on the field, in her office, even completely out of context and hes not visibly injured) its like second nature to check him out first

* if she could go a month, or even just two weeks! without seeing him she might consider changing her views on humanity (probably not but its the thought that counts)

* Also Gray has small sections of what people think is frostbite on his hands and feet. It doesnt hurt or limit him at all but theyre there, showed up some time post devil slayer magic

* ALSO! His blood runs slower and is darker due to his low body temperature, causes him only the vaguest of problems but its a thing (this is common in most powerful ice wizards)

* Gray likes to pretend hes good at taking care of himself, but hes not hes really not

* Luckily he has a lot of nosy and protective friends thatll do it for him (in their own ways)

* Natsu literally temperature exploding some guys glass at a bar when he got wayyyy too friendly and handsy with Gray

* they were kicked out but he was really proud of himself

* Rogue drawing shadows towards Gray if he needs to sleep and its too bright, or Sting creating a warm light beam when its dark out and Gray wants to embrace his inner cat and sleep in a sunbeam

* Wendy checking him over first bc she knows hes one of the people who wouldnt ask for help if he was injured

* hes had multiple people physically remove him from fights/training sessions because he was visibly pushing himself way too hard

* Part of the reason Gray learned Fioren so fast was because he was sick of people looking at him like he was stupid for not speaking ‘right’

* he mentioned this to the little slayer group they got goin on and from then on out they were like, hella hyper vigilant with anything that could make him insecure like that again

* It really scared him the first couple times he did it, it still does. He hates losing time

* It started happening during his time with Ur, he cant remember a lot of it, training, blink, fighting, blink, training, blink, training, you get the idea

* It doesnt happen often, and he tried not to think of it past the point of trying to get it to stop

* Its happens often when hes highly stressed but theres no immediate physical threat, his brain doesnt understand whats going on or why its so stressed but knows he doesnt need to physically protect himself yet so it mentally protects him (if that makes sense), usually when hes alone, or when a threat is gone

* he confided in Erza about this once, and now more times than not when he ‘wakes up’ shes there talking to him

* only part he feels is good about it is that it makes him exhausted and lets him sleep easier

* He doesn’t usually dissociate often, not that he has much of a choice, if he did it wouldnt happen at all, but it was a lot worse when he was younger, his memories of early fairy tail are all blurry and he felt like he was on autopilot even when he was ‘awake’

* he hates it

* After his team found out abt his vast array of pharmaceuticals they were so confused and concerned and probably borderline paranoid, because who needs that many medications for one person??

* Gray had been taking sleeping pills at a high enough dose to let him have a dreamless sleep for so long that most over the counter brands dont actually work on him

* but he kept all the old bottle that didnt work just in case he got desperate to sleep and they suddenly magically worked again

* The caffeine tablets were self explanatory after seeing all the sleeping meds, but he also (unwillingly) admitted he takes them on missions so he wouldnt wake them if he had a nightmare, and also for days when they were especially bad so he could go long enough without sleep hed just crash and sleep with no issues. Canr have a nightmare if you dont sleep

* His team was also extremely unimpressed by these explanations

* Erza and Natsu (and also Happy) strong armed him into going to Porlyusica for actual helpful solutions since he refused to go to his actual doctor

* While Lucy and Wendy disposed of the full fucking pharmacy (seriously, he coulda started a business or smth) he had in his bedroom

* For some odd reason he felt lighter and less moody when he was on actual helpful medication and was getting genuine rest

* how strange

* and if his team checks his house for another pharmacy in the making thats nobodies business but theirs

* Also Erza tried to ban Gray from caffeine while on a quest , or at least limit it, but he looked at her like she was absolutely batshit crazy to the point she got embarrassed and had to retract the ban

* But she will tie him to the bed to make him sleep on quests if she has to

* The first time Lucy asked where Gray was from was before Galuna, he ended up giving her a shady answer and redirecting the question to her (reminder, before galuna, before phantom lord) which she ended up also being a bit cagey about so she let it go

* But Lucy is nosy (endearing) by nature, so she asked if he had any different holiday type traditions sometime after Galuna, and to the surprise of, well, literally everyone, he did and gave examples

* which lead down a rabbit hole of the guild fretting a bit abt how to make him comfortable (even though hed been with them for a decade) bc he mentioned he used to be really homesick the first couple years, and sometimes still is

* Most the guild still had no clue where he was from so they were really just running in circles for awhile

* Levy tried to figure it out from the time he accidentally dropped, what she assumed to be colorful curse words, random foreign language bits

* didnt really work but she tried

* so for months he was bombarded with ‘subtle’ questions about his hometown and its culture, which got shut down most the time

* Thats not to say he didnt give them anything, he gave them enough that they were incorporated into existing traditions and holidays they already celebrated

* it was a very sweet gesture that Gray absolutely did not tear up at, so shut up—

* Gray is the most touch starved fool on the planet. ive always loved the idea of him liking touch a lot

* He grew up in a pretty affectionate family, his parents were always around to ruffle his hair, or hug, or hold his hand, or carry him, they were just very physically affectionate and he enjoyed it

* With it made him nauseous, guilty really, because Ur and Lyon were also physically affectionate but it wasnt them, it wasnt his family

* Also it was plain uncomfortable at times, part of learning ice magic was to almost numb himself to cold, but in the beginning numbed him to everything and it became uncomfortable to be touched because it was tingly and it hurt

* Early Fairy Tail he was completely closed off, couldnt stand being touched, didnt want to get cozy and make friends because he planned to leave anyways.

* Ice mages (Fire mages also) temperatures can fluctuate depending on how they feel, for example, if they’re experiencing negative emotions their temperature and the space around them will get colder

* and Gray used to be so angry and upset all the time, and hed just beginning to learn magic so he didnt know how to fix it yet, which caused a lot of discomfort for people.

* People didnt stay around him long because the discomfort of being too cold, and what was he gonna do about it? ask them to come back?? hell no

* So he gained a reputation and people didnt want to disrespect a volatile childs apparent boundaries so they didnt question it

* He was fine with fighting being the only real prolonged touch hed get, totally

* But Natsus got this thing about him that makes him think he can do the impossible, which includes shaking Grays world view and comfort levels

* At some point in their teens Natsu would not let go of the alleged fact that Grays didnt like being touched for some reason, so he did what he does best and pressed the issue

* it ended with Gray being a puddle in his lap while he had a crisis about everything he thought he knew about himself while Natsu celebrated his victory against him

* Its not completely public knowledge but the guild most definitely knows at least a little about how much Gray is touch starved

* he doesnt openly welcome it with open arms but if its happening and he trusts the person hes not gonna say no

* he probably gets a euphoria high from a head pat or smth

* After getting his devil slayer magic is absolutely got worse, having two powerful ice magics, one of which he was still struggling to get the hang of, in one body made it difficult to control the temperature around him, and after long enough people would start shivering if he wasnt careful

* it sucked, totally and completely sucked

* Natsu still remained unbothered and would increase his own temperature to counterbalance Grays, which helped a lot

* he still gets all up in Grays space no matter how much Gray tell him to fuck off, he knows he needs it

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vyvesvi · 6 months

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pd 101 japan picks & commentary (3)

preshow & ep 1

ep 2 - ep 5

ep 6 general commentary

this ep was kind of lowkey. not really sure how i feel about the team selection being entirely determined by rank - pretty sad that karen & momoka, amongst others, probably wont get to show their actual main abilities

the teams that performed were hero, shine a light, wa da da, & run run. ranking: run run > hero ≥ wa da da > shine a light. i don't really like the song choices (songs that already have choreo for a dance round, only one non-idol dance song, plus the singers/producers for that song helped arrange all of the vocal performances? makes me wonder if the final group will be getting a LAS song) but at least theyre all in japanese this time (for the vocal & rap groups at least)

run run: good performance but i have a few gripes. 1 - why was it worth more points? they said that the choreo was harder but the whole mission was for the girls to create choreo so... i dont actually expect that the trainees on these shows are doing all the arranging and writing and choreography themselves (much less on pd japan where virtually no one has a trainee background) but the whole set up of the mission kind of says the quiet part loud, you know? 2 - the distribution was a complete mess. loved joa as the center but the rest were basically backup dancers...for a choreo that theyre ostensibly creating themselves the difference in screentime between each person just doesnt make sense. and that was reflected in all of the ranks apart from yuuki & yurara i think. storyline: i found the koto/yuki storyline pretty meh. joa did actually do better than both of them so...? still, in another series this wouldve had a massive conflict edit & im glad pdj doesn't really do that. sad mitsuki & serina didn't get much screentime, i think mitsuki should've gone for antifragile actually, she needed to be on a team where the styling would've worked with her & allowed her to show more of a charming side on stage (friend that i watched LOVED her in cheer up, made me pause to figure out who the "gorgeous regina george lookalike" was.)

hero: ando yui is my daughter but i have to admit that she has a tendency towards shouting some notes. still, i feel like she has a ton of potential and im glad that she got to redeem herself after the audition. tsuzumi is basically in and she 100% knows it, so it's interesting to see how she's dealing with it. more than anyone else in the top it seems to really be impacting her, but she also seems to have a lot of close friends on the show who understand & are supporting her. to be honest, i usually don't like contestants like mayu but...idk. i see a lot in her but im not sure why. it seems like voters are starting to get serious so her rank has dropped a lot but i i'll miss her when she's eliminated. i hope there's some opportunity for her beyond the show.

wa da da: kind of sick that no one chose wa da da 😭 the stage was pretty messy in my opinion but mana did great, she's such a performer. personally ranka isnt one of my picks but i like her intensity a lot & she definitely deserved her rank. i don't think this is her moment exactly but i could see her being recruited somewhere after this. she would suit a kind of dramatic vibe. karen is interesting to me because while she doesn't dance well i found that she really fit the stage. i also love her attitude. there's no way she won't rise but im not sure that itll be enough. last and least,

shine a light: im a big jo1 fan but i knew this wasn't gonna go great from the outset. the energy of the original song is part of what makes it so good so the fact that they removed that.....i also think it's kind of notable that hina said that she didn't want it to be a ballad and was kind of steamrolled........anyways. we saw the performance. i've always said that i wanted hazuki to get more screentime & establish herself and this was her chance but...rip. from the second her voice cracked it was over for the whole team. every single person messed up except for hina. i know that this wasn't a super strong vocal group but it's so sad that they did the worse they've ever done on stage. i expect hina's rank to continue to rise, and hazuki in particular will fall (not because she was the worse but because she has the smallest fanbase & isnt insulated from mistakes like some of the top contestants). curious about what will happen with chiharu because honestly...no one really expected her to sing super well and she was gorgeous so. we'll see

member commentary

change is always possible but this is my stable top 4. rino & ran's teams weren't in this episode but it's a very good sign that rino still got screentime singing well & being a good leader. not thrilled that her rank dropped (14 → 17) and there are a lot of strong contenders in the early teens right now. in truth, i think some of them would be a much better fit for a spin off project (which have much higher success rates than the ones from korean produce) & rino would make more sense in top 11 but that's neither here nor there.

mana, as i said earlier did sooooo well in wadada, although im curious as to what she would've picked had she been given a real choice. im hoping her rank will rise - she didn't get a push in this ep but she was significantly more visible than a lot of her teammates so fingers crossed.

serina is just a good [potential] idol. i was surprised that she went for dance since her vocals are what i noticed first but she pulled off run run well. i wouldve picked shine a light or even antifragile for her though. unfortunately she got very little screentime & storyline but i'm sure run run will win so maybe that 20k will help maintain her spot.

standouts in this ep

not gonna break it down again but yeah. love the girlies love the vibes

other thoughts

call me crazy but im so so sure that these three will be recruited by lapone for a gg after the show. with the top 11 having skewing less cute im hoping that this becomes a reality bc these three fit eachother more than they fit momona/nano/ran/rin/etc. oda aruha (and maybe moro anon) would be here too but alas.

people i'd like to have seen in this ep

rin is riding a wave right now and she needs momentum to stay top 11. looking at the ranks now, kokona dropped 10 places (19 → 29) 🙃 rinon & ayano are fine, but i wanted to see them keep momentum as well. i like akiyama ema for some reason but to survive she desperately needs screentime and a good performance. I'm even more worried about tsukushi - her dropping from 18th to 31st after doing incredibly well is kind of insane. what i've said about tsukushi needing a storyline in the past still stands. i can already tell that her part in bijin will be great but with rinon & keiko im not sure what her screentime potential is.

ep 6 voting list

no surprises here, although im not sure what the voting has been reduced to? if it's only 5 i'd have to go with mana, rino, rin, serina, and then alternate kokona, yui, and mayu. i know that the "this person is safe so i wont vote for them" logic is flawed but i can't help it. good thing intl fans cant vote so this isn't a real concern! 🤪 /s

ep 6 semi-realistic top 11

only change is that i replaced kokona with joa. i have to say, im not thrilled about how many "givens" there are this season. it's not that i dislike them but it makes for a kind of boring top 11, at least until we get to 1 & 2 pick voting. rin was a nice surprise but i think the production has been pretty mask off about their picks. interestingly, i think it might bite them in the butt that momona & kokoro in particular don't actually get that much screentime. for people who are seeing them through the show for the first time (and also dont keep up with twitter discourse) probably feel that their ranks came out of nowhere. ran has gotten good screentime but she's definitely also buoyed by her original fanbase. miu, joa, & tsuzumi have good screentime & storylines so when joa goes up to top 11 i won't be surprised. rin had a good storyline so she makes sense. ayane doesn't get very much screentime but her voice does the brunt of the work. nano is a (capable) visual pick but she doesn't have a storyline. suzu has had a fanbase since the theme song but i expect her to fall a little honestly. we'll see. keiko is new to the top 11 this ep, i hope they reveal the actual ranks this time because that will influence my thoughts. keiko has great screentime and a litle bit of storyline so her rising makes sense. kokona is interesting to me because her rank is so stable based on not very much honestly. i don't dislike her but her lack of expressiveness on stage is probably something they'll try to build a storyline out of later.

i have a lot of confidence that rino will debut elsewhere after this but in the interest of creating a group i would actually like...

#pd101 #produce 101 japan #pd101 japan #sakaguchi rino #koyama mana #saito serina #ishii ran #t watches tv #produce 101

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lovelystarrs · 2 years

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Hiii may i request an Emu, Ena, and Haruka with an S/O who's on vacation at the moment and can't see them daily? Sorry if this request seems hard, feel free to skip this!

A/N : NO WORRIES AT ALL!! im sorry if this seems rushed, feel free to rerequest if you had a different idea in mind :) also fun fact i accidentally read haruka as airi??? HELP and i was getting ready to type it up then realized it was haruka AND THEN I CHANGED THE AIRI CARD IN THE MIDDLE TO HARUKA AND ALMOST STARTED CRYING BC THE BLUE BROKE THE PINK COLOR SCHEME 😭😭

enas both a mixture of sad, happy, and jealous literally its very confusing

she’s sad that she cant see you and that contacts low and finds herself drowning in her work to get her mind off it, although it really depends on how long you’re gone for for severe itll be

she’s happy for you but also painfully jealous! she wants to be there to spend time with you as no one can bother the two of you, and she wants those sweet pictures to be posted on her social medias!

ena will probably rant to the rest of n25 and surviving off of pictures of the two of you and previous texts, she treats you as if youre nothing but a memory acting all dramatic

a part of her feels empty and she becomes more agitated than usual and ends up spending more money on shopping trips to cope, but no worries! mizuki’s there to make sure she doesnt spend ‘too’ much

she ends up typing up paragraphs off of how much she loves and misses you at the dead of night once her session with n25’s over but ends up deleting it (you only really have luck in seeing it if you have notifications on…)

when youre fully back she tries to act like she didn’t care that much but how touchy and needy she is says other wise! make sure to give her affection and a souvenir once you’re back!

haruka fully understands with low contact as she always had to travel because of her work as an idol so she isnt as pushy as ena or emu

of course, shes still sad! she barely gets to see you and she got into the habit of facetiming or meeting up with you after practice with the rest of more more jump!

shes happy that you have time to relax and finds herself wondering and curious as to what youre doing and day dreaming about the amount of joy youre having late at night, the price she’d pay to see you so happy is expensive

once youre back she gives you a big welcome and invites you on more dates and hangouts to make up for the lost time!

oh god.

shes happy for you when you told her but once youre actually gone shes crying her eyes out

since shes really touchy not being able to be able to hug or even talk to you that much is breaking her

she doesnt shut up about how youre gone to the rest of wxs and at one point nene texted you to hurry up to come back since she’d start crying in the middle of rehearsals.

she also spam texts you and call you in hopes you’d respond, she has the best intentions just horrible at executing them

luckily for you shes also really good at distracting herself! she probably invites nene to the mall and hangs out with airi and saki!

overall she gets 10x clingier

#emu otori x reader #ena shinonome x reader #haruka kiritani x reader #project sekai x reader

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