i was a bad person and here is my big message about it

even tumblr couldn't hold this much of a post so i made it under the cut. well. i was trying to write it for YEARS sooo i guess it's a little hard to squish in something small

i am frightened of seeing your reaction on this post but. it needs to be made. i wanted to make it for years. if not now then when?

long story about one fundamental thing i deeply regret and want to leave in the past and move on, and today is the perfect time to talk about it.

so. as i told, yesterday was my 26 birthday. and it was a special one. cause i gave it concept

26 years. 25+1. for me it means that half of my life is behind me. (maybe 1/3 if i will be lucky). i decided my 26 birthday will be beginning of my new era. i will leave my past behind and will go into my. present.

the problem is that my past is soooo fucked up

i did a lot of cringe bad things, WHICH I DEEPLY REGRET ABOUT but i want to tell you about one, which is haunting me the most. i thought about writing post about it sooo much times, i tried, but i couldn't do it everytime because then i thought about it i felt soooo ashamed and just burning in selfhate so what's the thing and why exactly this thing I want to tell you about above all of the things which i regret? well because now i am totally opposite person to that mindset which i am ashamed of so! pls keep in mind that i REGRET having that mindset. i think i realized that it's something not good in my 19 years old (my 19 years old is my turning point in life in general), now i am one day 26, but it's still was hunting me!!! 6 fucking years of constant shame and hating myself!!! at this moment i got rid of this thing in my mind and actions completely, and i want to put the final nail in the coffin by this post. so!!! i.. H A D (NOW I DON’T!!!)... fat fetish :c ( * internal screaming full of fear, selfhate and realising that i can hurt someone's feeling by that * ) i almost always had complicated relationships with fatness. first anorexia, but, at the same time then i hated my body i realized that i find fat people beautiful, hot even? (mostly masculine dudes? i don't remember that i thought about others?). and then i got into my horny ~18 yeaaars and ehhhh i was exploring my horny feelings  and preferences. i was deep diving in that fat fetish content, i even made sooome drawings (I think I posted, ~2 on internet AND I HATE THE FACT THAT THEY EXIST SO MUCH). and. next thing will sound naive. but. people who do bad things are always dumb and don't realize basic shit. so. i haven't seen anything bad in fat fetish. and at this time i already had my own moral compass, which i still have AND it helped me get out of this my moral compass: if it hurts someone - it's bad. if not – then it’s fine. and my depiction of fat fetish was reversed in my head. i thought that people participating in it.. feeling sexy and validated? that it's something powerful (I DON'T THINK THIS WAY NOW!) but then i saw one post

it was a person, saying, that they saw a content with fetishization of their appearance and they felt uncomfortable and humiliated by it

and i was like "wait what??? fetishes make people sad??? IT SOMETHING WHAT HURTS SOMEONE??? It's!!! It's... a bad thing!!!"

and i think since then i started to go away from it?

and it's not a second, day or month. you know that getting rid of cigarettes is hard and takes time, right? imagine how hard and how much time will take getting away from moral mindset mistake

if you do something bad it usually means that it is deep in your life

it's hard to go away from people with same mindset, your actions in the past which you thought was fine are now your shame etc etc

but!!! i've been working on myself. i don't want to hurt people, and yeah, hurting someone's feelings counts too.

sooo time was going by and it was less and less fetish content in my corner of internet. i realized that fetish is NOT something powerful and cool or sexy. representation is!!! you can draw gorgeous powerful sexy person without fetishization. actually people on fetish art... well, sometimes they don't even look like people. more like fucked up sex toys. it's so wrong, so bad and i am so ashamed that at some point of my life i thought it's something not awful

then i got into art community, more queer and bodypositive, i learned how to love my body, accepted it at 100% beat the fuck up anorexia. my feed in all the social media are now queer/bodypositive/artists usually all at once. if i see fetish blog reblogging me (i can't check every one but sometimes it happens) i ban it and

and now i don't watch any fetish content, don't have fantasies or dreams about that. now even if i see some content by accident (then you are in internet, you sometimes see shit which you don't want to see, like idk, some fetish blog relogging my art) it makes me feel uncomfortable and i don't turn on at all.

it was the last thing of this to defeat - physical desire. It’s like addiction, sometimes i wanted to watch Fetish Horny Content sooooo bad that it literally was on physicall level, and i just, well, watched and blamed myself for that after

and here is a little strange part, because one day it just... disappeared? with all my libido. aand honestly, it's fine, maybe i can't get turn on at all, but better not feeling libido at all then having it and having this shit in the head. aaaand also i have kiinda same emotions from... art. like cool art. in general. like, show me a good dramatical movie, some cool music, some touching piece of art, cool fucking made edit - i am shivering and crying tears of joy. i have this sooo, yep, it's enough for me, and i can survive loosing libido, if it's price for taking fetish from my head - shut up and take my... libido (okay that part turn out kinda goofy but like, let’s take it as lightning the mood because all the post is some fucked up dark shit)

so yeah. long story short, i was a cringe bad person and i regret that. i've done many cringe things but i decided to tell you exactly about this one because it is fundamental thing in my life and, as you can see, my art

as you could notice, all my characters are fat. and i am trying my best to draw them respectfully. goal of my life is trying to be good person (trying because you can never be sure that you are 100% right. you need to listen people and be ready to change. it's never ending road. what's why i use word "trying". you can't "be" good. only try) goal of my art is to bring people happiness by art, and representation is my method.

i feel very ashamed of that fact that i was participated in phenomen like fat fetish and now i make opposite thing - draw art, based on representation of fat people (and also queer and having other features but this post is not about that)

aaand yeah, sounds not very nice

but... i just hope that you can see that i am drawing fat people with respect. yes, a lot of time my characters presented as sexy. but i am trying to draw fat characters sexiness in respectful way. i've seen fetish art - and i am trying to draw NOT like that.

i learned my lesson. i don't want EVER draw fetish art again. i want!!! draw good things which brings people joy. i deeply sorry for that fetish thing was in my mind. but it's gone. I fought it in me for years, i won, fuck this thing. i want this thing stay in the past!!!!!

and brain, stop fucking hunting me with "whEn thEy wIll KnoW thEy Will Be All DissApoinTed in YoU!! ALL YOUR ART INFLUENCE WILL ZERO OUT THEN PEOPLE WILL FIND OUT!!!" these thoughts were been killing me for YEARS

so

i am deeply ashamed of having fat fetish phaze. but it's over. i learned that it's bad, i don't want to have it in my life ever again. and i don't want my drawings of fat people be part of it. i do it for different reason - to make representative art, which bring people joy, not hurting them.

i was carry this self-fight for years. and this day, my 26 birthday, seems like perfect day to finally leave this shit in the past and move on. i mean, i realised that it's a bad thing ~5-6 years ago. but my brain didn't let go thoughts about that. i am done with this. i want to break free from this shame. i hope i can have a second chance on that...

i really hope that you guys will be able to get joy from my art after that. i got rid of this shit in my mind, i promise. just. please don't turn back from me because because of this mistake. if you can.

(pls, if you have words of support, leave a comment. idea of this post was hunting me for years, and now it finally written. it's finally out of my chest. i want to get free from this. thank you)

The world was so ungrateful to you...

reading the receipts on how bethesda resorted to fucking extortion in a pathetic attempt to force Leona (a trans woman) to resign without pursuing a discrimination lawsuit by holding her fucking surgeries hostage & holy fuck

her experience at bethesda was a harrowing but depressingly familliar one filled with a sudden loss of respect by her superiors, public outing by her manager, falsified reports on her yearly review to convince corporate that she was a liability...

i struggle to find the words to descrive how i felt going through it all.

they were HOLDING HER SURGERIES HOSTAGE TO COERCE HER TO RESIGN

fuck this fucking industry. you cannot fix this. it is beyond saving

oooooooooough i love you i love you i love you!!!! hand in loving hand !!!!!!

demanding a series in the same vein (heh, vein) as Dexter/Hannibal wherein a prolific serial killer plays cat & mouse with the police--except the serial killer in question is a preteen schoolgirl. this would make for compelling television due to the fact that middle school frequently causes girls to become deranged, and more media should reflect this

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Game night ruined.

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I'm a barista. My coworkers know I'm a furry. Here's a collection of things that have been said on the job.

"Wash your paws, Daisy."

"A pup cup! I make the puppiest cups. 😌" "Well, at least there's one pup involved, since this one is for a human child."

"Daisy, go wash your paws."

"What's that, girl? You see another dog?"

"I'm not a human yet this morning. 😩" "Well yeah, I thought you were a dog."

"Daisy, fetch!"

"Time to wash your paws, Daisy."

"Sorry I bumped your tail!"

"I'm not doing that unless you have food. 😌" "What?" "You know, like... a treat or something. Because I'm a dog." "Oh- OH, no, you gotta do this now. Belly rubs later, Daisy."

A GIRL GAMER???????

I'm not even close to kidding anymore; I think drawing iz stuff is helping me draw more loosely and avoid getting burned out. I had so much fun drawing Gaz!! It was wild "designing" a character after the challenge that was zim. Features wise, she takes after dib/dad, so I was basically just playing dress up with her. And you know what? She can have a little outfit variation, as a treat. (The big skull earrings are clashing and creating all sorts of tangents with her face framing hair thingies, but OH WELL!!!)

I don’t think the upperclassmen see Neil as sad and traumatized as much as they see him as a feral but deadly cat or chihuahua that they fed a couple times and is now theirs forever.

the httyd books were the most insanely iconic thing ever. hiccup is a exasperated nerd completely done with everything. he also literally becomes a king at the end. fishlegs is a little sarcastic weirdo with every kind of illness known to man and also buckets of intense Rage. astrid is an absolutely batshit insane twelve year old gremlin called Camicazi who has epic thievery skills and also manic bloodlust. she packbonds with everyone. it goes way deep into the themes of slavery, discrimination, civil wars. it's surprisingly dark for a kids series. snotlout fucking dies. toothless is a bitchy snob dragon who enjoys biting things and eating everything and who talks about himself in the third person. he has no teeth and an ego the size of the fucking moon and is like a centimetre tall. hiccup can fucking talk to dragons. there's lit a whole civil war. they're all like twelve.

cass cain is so emotive and I hate that so many of yall fall straight into the stoic asian woman stereotype thing because like, the only reason cass wouldn't vocalize a feeling is when she would struggle to find the word for it because she literally wasn't taught how to speak. that's so fucking upsetting. She has such big beautiful emotions, she feels so deeply about the littlest things but everytime she has trouble putting it into words she's reminded that she was conceived not to. her abuser did not have her feelings or her pain in mind, only how well she could end a life. can you fucking imagine

:/

"I should warn you, Boy-Who-Has-A-Name-I-Once-Loved, that not a speck of that love remains. Not a jot. Not a whisper. One hundred years of captivity has drained every last drop of that love from me, and I am cured forever."

-"How to Break a Dragon's Heart" by Cressida Cowell

===

I've been reading the OG How To Train Your Dragon books and oh boy does it wreck you. I took some artistic liberties in drawing him. I think he'd do well with whiskers like a catfish and great fin-like spines.

lets all pretend this is the first time im uploading this and tumblr didnt completely break the previous post, okay? okay.

Congratulations to Wendy for passing her intake exam (mycoplasma test pending) and being the first of my birds to ever bite the vet for daring to touch her. This child is full on ready to hold her own in a fight. Upon arrival home, she got her last parasite med, and a pretty aqua bracelet to declare her a bird from Longfeather Lane.