Han, you should know that I absolutely love the fact that you write Heid as an unreliable narrator and I am constantly grinning while reading your posts because his voice is just so perfect. Ugh. Gets me every time, right in the feels. But I just wanted to ask (if you don't mind elaborating on this) - does Heidegger know at some level that he's doing this or has it become some sort of fundamental truth? How much of it is credited to a lie he told himself time and time again (perhaps as a defense mechanism, fake until you make it etc) and how much is genuine belief and blind devotion to an ideal/someone?

thank you for the question my lovely - u are v kind and i love u v v v v much.

to answer your question; i defintly think it was a case of the old 'fake it til you make it' / accept ignorance and be ignorant as a result of it. i always write younger heidegger as being much more...thoughtful? and aware of truths / what he's saying. he's very honest and blunt and rarely ignorant. he acknowledges his downfalls and other people's despite being somewhat stubborn. but i imagine his essential brainwashing / willful ignorance upon becoming close with shinra essentially does just become blind acceptance of whatever shinra would have him believe.

we see in game that heidegger will follow whoever is in charge. he entirely agrees with everything that president shinra has to say and is always sucking up to him (despite being a little bitchy behind his back). he also sucks up to rufus in the original (despite also being bitchy behind his back, too). this, to me, shows someone who is entirely aware of things going on & happening but someone unwilling to outwardly challenge it through ease or simple fortitude.

heidegger isn't an idiot by any means and although i joke about it, i want that known. he's an educated man who plays dumb a lot - he is well aware of terrible things done by shinra but does them because it's his position / his loyalty.

he's 'following orders' & 'serving' those in charge.

i think, ultimately, were heidegger to actually sit and reflect upon his actions - he would sink very deeply into a depression. i dont write him as being overly soft or traumatised and i wont, like, pretend he isn't sadistic or somewhat maniacle but i do enjoy giving him a human side and i think he is capable of reflective thought and acknowledgement. he just chooses not to - he's grown so used to following shinra and stepping on everyone else that he doesn't need to question himself, he doesn't need to not be ignorant.

this is why in his meteor verse, he's borderline suicide and broken. because he's answering for his chosen ignorance - he's being forced to repent for the actions he could have said no to (arguably).

in terms of just simple, normal things - standard arguments and petty little bits, heidegger is ignorant purely because he's stubborn and likes being 'right.' man has trouble accepting he's wrong and would rather double down on a wrong point than wave the flag and give a win to somebody in the right.

I hate being mentally ill I hate being spread thin I hate telling people my deepest fears and having them confirm them I hate feeling like no matter how hard I try I'll never be enough and I hate feeling the way I do rn.

ahh harukas second trial fucked severely but idk what to think

I don’t see any Castlevania asks and that makes me sad as HELL

How would (Y/N) react to Lisa’s burning? How would Dracula’s war court react to her? And Hector and Isaac?

I'm gonna go down the platonic route and make reader Lisa and Dracula's daughter, biological or kidnapped/adopted.

Obviously, any normal human would not react well to anyone being burned at the stake- ALIVE. And maybe when the villagers caught Lisa, they caught you as well and thought you were a witch too. They burned your mother first and just when they had started to burn you, Dracula came and swooped you up and away, along with his now dead wife's remains and while you passed out due to inhaling all the smoke, sustaining some minor burn injuries and well- EXHAUSTION AND TRAUMA, your father returned to slay the entire village and later wreak havoc on all of humanity. Really, a justified reaction from a family man.

Anyways, he returns home with you in his arms and then nurses you back to health all while killing everyone outside. Now, he may still be soft to you but you are absolutely forbidden from leaving the castle. Like you cant even go outside even if Dracula accompanies you. No, he's lost his wife and if youre their bio kid who is more human than vampire unlike your older brother Alucard, then Dracula is way more protective of you. After all, he did see you almost die and really, you remind him far too much of his wife, of her humanity and her kind heart to help others that eventually got her killed.

Initially, right after Lisa's death, Dracula didn't even allow you to even leave your room, too paranoid about some unknown force killing you and him not being able to save you in time. Eventually though, with other vampires and monsters(under his control obv) in the castle, he let you out of your room, but still not out of the castle, and thats when you found out that he had thrown out Alucard and (sort of disowned him??) because your brother was not in favour of Dracula either killing the world or locking you up.

Now, like I said before, Dracula is still soft for you but with Lisa's death he's become a little... emotionally crippled. He has too much pain and hatred inside him, and he's doing his very best that you dont end up on the receiving end of these very negative and very dangerous emotions. However, he sometimes... loses control. When you keep on persisting about how all of this is wrong, about how he shouldnt kill ALL humans, how he shouldnt lock you up or break what remains of this family, he lets his anger out on you. Only a little. He'd yell at you, tell you that you're far too stupid an naive and stubborn to understand what he's doing or why, ask if you're going to side with those murderers that you so desperately want to save over your own family? Are you that blind? He'd drag you back to your room, lock you in there because he wont have you questioning him like he's the bad guy here.

But soon after that, he'd be found sitting in front of one of Lisa's portraits, probably one where she's cradling baby you and he'd start talking to her, trying to explain himself, how he did not mean to blow up at you but you just wouldn't listen to him. The one sided conversation would always end with Dracula feeling guilty and he returns to your room with a heavy heart that just sinks more when he sees you asleep, tear streaks now drying on your cheeks. Sitting on your bed, he'd pet your hair, mumble something about how he loves you and cant afford to risk losing you, smiling softly when you shuffle closer to him.

Since Dracula knows Hector is loyal and sincere to him, he will allow you to have him as your friend. After all, you would need some company in the castle and vampire dad on murder spree is not exactly someone who is ideal for friendship at the moment. So, he permits and even encourages Hector to socialise with you and comfort you. And Hector has a bleeding heart too, so you're in luck because he will happily listen to you express your emotions and provide you with free therapy (he makes dead, one missing limb/eye puppies alive for you🥺) He just wanna protect u too, and while he doesnt agree with you being locked up in the castle, its better than the alternative. Also, has and will fight Isaac 1000% if he talks shit about you because youre human.

As for the court, they know that you are now the only thing dear to Dracula, and while one wouldnt say that you have the vampire king wrapped around your finger, he comes pretty close to it. But its no use really because they cant exactly use you to make Dracula listen to them... or can they?

Considering that you're pretty against the whole "Vampire uprising-kill all humans" plan, they cant persuade you to enslave or kill humans. What they can do is gain Dracula's favour by being... kind to you? Okay take Carmilla for example (because she's the only one I can remember from the court. Her and the brash, red haired vamp?) Now she's smart, she's manipulative and she knows exactly how to use this opportunity. She starts to befriend you by first agreeing that she understands why you're against your father's actions but also tells you that you must understand his decisions from his side. "Your mother was a kind woman, a brilliant doctor and from what I've heard, your father loved her very much. And if you've ever been in love, then you would understand why he's doing all of this." And of course Dracula overhears this because come on, nothing happens in his castle without his knowledge. So yes, he shows slight favouritism towards Carmilla among the court and he may allow her to hang around you a bit (only after Carmilla convinced him that you needed a female friend in your life, and its always better to be in her company than any of those perverted men of his court) but even then, Dracula doesn't completely trust her around you and so he wont allow you two be in contact often.

Dracula would also be way more conscious of your feelings with time, because he will realise eventually that he was far too caught up in his own pain and plan for vengeance that he forgot to see how you were coping with the loss of your mother. If any of the vampires are heard saying something even remotely mean to you, if he even hears Isaac even breathing in disgust at the sight of you because you were part human, they will be swiftly dealt with (girl, he murders them all).

You're his baby, his sweet human kid, his little princess and he wont have anyone or anything taking you away from him. (LET HIM PULL YOU IN HIS LAP AND WRAP HIS CLOAK AROUND YOU AND DRIFT OFF IN HIS ARMS BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY WARMTH LEFT FOR HIS COLD DEAD HEART OMGGGG)

Ah i miss Castlevania asks too, platonic yandere castlevania asks especially. everyone send in ur asks.

(omg what about yandere brother Trevor Belmont?)

My headcanons on the ninja’s favorite foods / diets because I am so normal about these characters.

Cole - Cake. I don’t think I have to explain this. It couldn’t be more canon lmao. If I had to pick a particular cake as his favorite, he’s definitely one of those people who adores chocolate lava cakes. I think that and red velvet are is favorites. I also feel like he has a very high spice tolerance.

Zane - In my headcanon, nindroid!zane does not need to eat, so he doesn’t really have a favorite food. For human!zane, I feel like he would have very expensive taste. I think my pick for his favorite would be lobster. No reason why, just my thoughts.

Jay - Jay was easily the hardest to pick. I faintly remember him saying he liked Chen’s Noodles, so I could pick something like ramen as his favorite food, but while I think that fits, I think all of the ninja really like Chen’s Noodles. The food that comes to find for me, although it has 0 basis in canon, is burritos. I feel like he loves the amount of food there is, the fact that it is “easy to eat,” and the fact that “there are so many different configurations that it’s practically a different food every time.” Oh, and dino nuggets. No explanation needed.

Nya - Nya loves sushi, and you can fight me on that fact. While this makes things kind of hard as Jay is kind of scared of the concept of eating raw food, Jay still will eat it with her and Nya is still obsessed. Also enjoys mac and cheese when no one is looking lol.

Kai - Okay, this section is gonna have a lot of angst and I’m not apologizing for that. Kai and Nya never had much to eat, but Kai always made sure Nya had food on the table. In fact, one year on Nya’s birthday, he surprised her with by going with her to get (albeit cheap) sushi. He claimed he felt sick, though, so he didn’t eat any. In reality, though, he had only saved enough for Nya, and seeing her happy was a million times better than the food itself. As for his personal taste, Kai isn’t very picky when it comes to food. Growing up, almost everything he ate was rice, as that was what was grown where he lived. This has led him to really disliking rice, due to its unsavory memories. One of Kai’s favorite foods, funny enough, is pizza. This is primarily due to, when Kai had some extra money and Nya was unfed, he would order himself a pizza as a treat. This basically never happened as Kai always felt guilty spending money on himself when it could have gone to Nya, but it’s led to pizza being very important to Kai now that he has enough money to afford it.

Lloyd - I have a lot of thoughts on Lloyd. Firstly, as proven by canon, Lloyd has a major sweet tooth. I wouldn’t give candy as his favorite food since I feel it is too broad, and I don’t have a specific candy to give him because he likes all candy equally. I also feel like he quite likes junk food. Similarly to Kai, Darkley’s didn’t have a ton of food options, so fast food was the cheapest and easiest option for Lloyd. However, unlike Kai, he still finds comforts in the foods he ate as a child. Finally, when I was drafting ideas for this post, for some reason I had Lloyd’s as green bean casserole, and I have no logical explanation for this, but I cant unsee it. My explanation I’m giving is, whenever there was a potluck/bring your own food type events, he always brought really bad green bean casserole just to annoy people and still has some fondness for it because of that. Oh, and dino nuggets for him too. Again, no explanation needed.

muzzle anon here- thx for HURTING ME SO MUCH :D !!! that dottore fic is 'THE' dottore fic for me now, I will read it over and over and over again, it was an amazing experience. AND I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT

Since you wrote how the raven and sparrow's destinies are intertwined. I was thinking of a reincarnation (modern) au? Idk if you would be interested but I just keep thinking of doctor zandik and fragile reader

Kinda would be ironic if zandik is still experimenting on people to find a cure for reader

Or maybe this time they are actually healthy and happy together?

Oh maybe one day Zandik remembers his past life? How he lost reader? How they both ahem went to the other side haha like the whole "you are as beautiful as the day I lost you" thing

They can also met at an university (like how they met at akademiya) it is giving soulmate vibes but hear me out. When they first see each other, they instantly know each other, they don't know how but there is just this bittersweet feeling. Both are questioning why do they feel this desire to hug each other like they have been apart for so long

(I still cant over the death of the segments, Omega, and the end tho. Beta is my fav segment but ZANDY? GONE? NOO and then Omega also? Considering how reader told Dottore they still loved him, maybe Omega thought reader hated him while dying- Like in the end he thought about how he lost the love of reader. How much he messed up? Ouch .)

Actually wait segments didnt die (delulu talk)

Dottore: it was a prank.

Reader: wha-

Segments: *was just about to celebrate their birthday but now feel guilty they just caused a borderline panic attack*

YESSS GRRRR- Imagine if thousands and thousands of years have passed and Teyvat is unrecognizable from what it once was. Elemental energy, Visions, what makes Teyvat, Teyvat, are no more, and the world is completely modernized. Since Celestia is gone as well, the eternal punishment handed to you and Dottore is finished and you two can finally be reincarnated, and perhaps this time fate may give you a happy ending.

Modern Doctor Zandik and fragile reader... your illness is so mysterious that no medicine or treatment seems to be able to cure it, no one knows what's going on with you despite all the medical advances, you get sent from doctor to doctor, clinic to hospital in hopes of a miracle but nothing... But Dottore, he is widely renowned as one of the best doctors in Teyvat, despite his... attitude. Now obviously you could never dream of affording the money to see him but, it just so happens he hears of your case and takes an interest in you... Now, he never expected to get attached to anyone, much less his patient but, it seems that history repeats itself... (unethical doctor part 2)

Happy and healthy reader... and having an instant connection with Zandik!! Oh my gosh yes. Zandik would be the most confused and annoyed because he had never felt a connection with anyone his whole life, he's always been the one by himself. He tries to ignore it, ignore the building feeling in his chest, but as fate would have it, he finds himself bumping into you far more frequently than he'd like. You've had enough of his pretty man constantly invading your mind, so you approach him one day and it all begins from there. (I imagine if he ever dreamed of his past life with you, it'd teach him not to take you for granted. Especially if it was after a fight with you or something.)

I imagine Omega didn't regret his actions, but he still deeply lamented his relationship with you - he missed whenever you'd barge in and lavish him with your affection, how you'd freely rant to him, how you loved him. All were replaced with stone coldness. But perhaps, this is the price of selfishness, one that he had to pay.

😭😭 Segments pranking you... they feel quite guilty but at the same time, it's really nice to think you care about them so much.

HELLO TUMBLR im very normal, have some Warrior Cats MD

(‼️MAJOR HOUSE SPOILERS‼️)

House is a greyblue cornish rex and idk if frostheart is too corny, I was also thinkibg thunderheart or stormheart but idk its frostheart for now, he was a warrior intent on becoming deputy but he was struck by a car and his leg got mangled so the only job he could actually do was medcat. He used to be an exceptional hunter and loved to lead patrols, now he can hardly even get his own herbs without needing to stop and rest. It makes him angry with starclan and he adamantly refuses to communicate with them. he makes Chase (Whitefoot) do it for him, and when he gets prophetic dreams he keeps them to himself.

Cuddy is Lushstar, formerly Lushpelt, and she got the position of deputy instead of house when he was struck on the thunderpath, she feels guilty for that and he’s the best medcat any clan has ever had so she just lets him get away with his crazy schemes and flagrant disregard for the warrior code and starclan.

Cameron is named Moonface, shes a shorthaired calico cat with a pure white face, she quits and leaves the clan to strike out as a loner after falling in love w whitefoot and witnessing him kill another cat in battle because not only can she not love whitefoot now that she knows what hes capable of, she also just cant live in a place that may require her to take a life.

Chase is a longhaired buff tabby with white paws named Whitefoot, he talks to starclan for Frostheart and almost leaves after moonface but decides to stay and help the clan recover after the battle. He (naturally) ends up taking over for frostheart.

Wilson is a ragdoll cat named Riversong and he serves as the deputy until it becomes public that he is not ONLY unfaithful to his mate (i dont have a name for her sorry julie) but hes also having an AFFAIR with the medcat aughhh the drama!! he has to step down because Lushstar cant uphold her image as leader of this clan and just let that continue.

Enter foreman! Foreman is a brown tabby named Badgertooth. Badgertooth becomes deputy after Riversong steps down, and once Lushstar retires, he becomes Badgerstar :)

Thirteen is a silver tabby oriental shorthair named riptide, she retires early to the queens den after learning she has a terminal illness so she can spend the rest of her days at ease with a mate.

Taub is a tan scottish fold named Shortear, and he has fathered two litters of kits! Lol

Kutner is a siamese cat named Petalstep, he ate a bunch of deathberries and nobody has any idea why :( his parents were kittypets, he was brought to the clan as a very young kit after their twoleg threw him out.

Masters is a solid orange cat named sunfur and she has to step away from the medcat position and return to being a warrior because House’s flagrant disrespect for the warrior code and starclan as well as his attitude towards his clanmates was starting to make her sick.

Park is a black shorthaired cat with a white spot on her chest and a bobtail named Crushclaw and she becomes close with Whitefoot after Frostheart and Riversong disappear without a trace.

adams is a Havana Brown cat with a white tailtip named Foxtail! I really dont have much to say on her ^^;

Amber is named goldenglow, she tried to he a medcat but was too aggressive and thus became a warrior instead! She is hit by a car trailing worried after Frostheart late at night and dies💔

They live in the abandoned ppth lobby right, I figure its probably like. Overrun with plants mice and stuff so theres plenty for them to hunt, but they can also venture outside to get food too! Since the lobby is huge, I figure its probably a huge clan, WHICH is why they can afford to have three medcat apprentices. Idk about other clans, I was thinking maybe there are other clans on the different levels of the building? The cafeteria is neutral meeting ground, the roof is neutral ground, and anything from the parking lot outwards is neutral ground, obvs wherever medcats go to get visions is also neutral. I figure their moonpool equivalent is in house’s office somewhere, maybe the balcony? Idk, but he always brings his apprentices with him. Its a journey that takes him several days since he has to traverse the abandoned, crumbling stairs and other such obstacles that come with living in an abandoned hospital.

can you do a concept where y/n's fav band or singer is coming to the city and you cant get tickets for some reason so dalton surprises you and its really emotional and you literally cry

THIS WOULD BE SO ME IF SOMEONE SURPRISED ME WITH TICKETS

Imagine Y/N was really excited when the dates were announced, immediately saving up her money to be able to afford good seats but when the day came she wasn’t able to get any tickets.

She was devastated and Dalton knew that, and he hated to see his girlfriend so sad for something she had no control over, but there was still time before the show he decided to try his best to get her tickets. 

He searched everywhere but the best he could find were resell tickets that went for twice as much as the original price, sometimes even more but he was willing to go for them. He had money saved but if he wanted to get a proper seats he would need a lot more. So maybe he started tutoring a few kids from his art class and made arrangements with Armagan to be able to sell some of his art. 

Once he made enough money for two tickets he secured them and thought about how he could surprise her, deciding he didn’t wanna make a big deal out of it. 

It was exactly one month before the show and one night while they were sitting on the floor of Dalton’s dorm. They were eating take out and playing Uno, going round after round until he finally decided it was time.

“Winner gets a special prize” Dalton said, shuffling the cards once again.

“Oh, what’s the prize?” Y/N asked curious, but Dalton shook his head indicating it was a secret. She asked again but gave up when she got no answer.

He was pretty good at Uno, he would win most of the time since she would get too excited with the draw cards at the beginning and run out when she actually needed them, but this time he decided he would let her win.

“How are you so bad at this game?” Y/N asked when she had only one remaining card.

Dalton kept a smile to himself and shrugged his shoulders “Maybe you’re just really good”

Y/N paid attention as Dalton placed one of his cards, making an excited noise as she played her last card “Uno!” She exclaimed.

Dalton started to feel nervous for some reason, but he was really excited to see her reaction “Good job, you get the special prize” He stood up and made his way to his desk, carefully so as to not spill anything. He grabbed the envelope where he had printed out an email confirmation for the show and Y/N was looking at him expectantly, she had no idea what was about to happen “Congrats babe”

Y/N took the envelope, she was a little confused at the ‘special prize’ but she immediately opened it. While she was unfolding the piece of paper, Dalton kneeled in front of her not wanting to miss a second. Her eyes focused on it, reading it a couple of times to make sure it was what she was thinking, and her eyes started to fill with tears.

“Is this real?” She asked, her voice distant and a little shaky.

“Yes, of course it’s real” His thumb went to her cheek to wipe out a tear “I know how sad you were when you couldn’t get tickets so…”

Y/N jumped on top of him, knocking him over and making him fall on his back “I love you, I love you, I love you” She repeated as she kissed his face repeatedly. 

Dalton couldn’t be happier, saying “I love you” back and kissing her.

After a moment Y/N realised something that made her feel guilty “This are crazy expensive, I promise I’ll pay you back”

“No!” Dalton was quick to reply “You don’t have to”

“But-”

“You won them fair and square” He said, making both of them chuckle.

“Thank you, baby”

hi would u be willing to talk more ab ur belcher hcs that theyre all schizoaffective? :]

i can defs try! i cant promise i have really anything "smart" or insightful to say, cuz my husband and i just kinda draw from our own experiences :o

(if u are reading this and dont know what schizoaffective disorder is, im writing this w/ the definition of "a combination of schizophrenic symptoms and mood disorder symptoms like major depressive and bipolar disorder")

bob has felt the most schiz to us from the start, he's got his voices, which feel way more like he's acting as a mouthpiece for the objects he's talking to, rather than him just doing a bit. he knows its not "real" but also. it is to him. (i think hes also had some? hallucinations? but most are drug or stress induced and he also has a lot of cartoon dream sequences so...?) he struggles with paranoia and anxiety, and he's had pretty manic and depressive episodes in the show. i think he tries his best to stay grounded and self-aware with his delusions. he's very skeptical, and gets really irritated by misinformation. (probs also an affect of his autism tbh)

we also have a hc that he's more irritable and negative in the early seasons bc he's on meds that arent a good fit for him. (we dont really have meds hcs other than that. they might not be able to afford them)

linda's symptoms arent as obvious beyond her delusions like the raccoons and the cemetery stuff, but i think she's taught herself to suppress her issues so she could better support gayle who had more disruptive ones. her parents seem like the "stop being mentally ill its annoying" types. she has her own instances of paranoia and anxiety, but she mostly tries to smother and ignore anything negative she feels. VERY manic and impulsive tho. i think she also has some hallucinations in show but im drawing blanks on specifics.....

i would personally say tina is pretty depressive, but she's good at trying to cope in (mostly) healthy ways. her family is a good support system for her! she does have the most instances of visual hallucinations that arent cartoon bits (she seems to have them a lot when shes feeling guilty...) her anxiety and paranoia reminds me a lot of bob but also of gayle. they have similar outburts

gene has the least examples that i can think of.... i think he considers ken to be pretend and is just joking about him being real bc it annoys bob (compared to tina who thinks her horse Jericho is maybe...a little real) but i think he has some other hallucinations tht arent like that. hes surprisingly anti-social! he definitely often views himself as superior to the kids he knows. gets that from his dad lol. and his mania and impulsiveness are very much like linda :) he doesnt have depressive episodes as much as the others, but they hit him really hard :(

and louise! shes paranoid and has lots of aggression issues! to me she is also very depressed. (the puppet ep is esp relatable to me lol........) and she's VERY manic in the ambergris ep! i think she also has a couple instances of voices similar to bob's? but its kinda hard to tell the difference when shes still a kid who plays pretend with her toys. her talking to the taffy dummy feels more like what bob does tho.

i hope? thats the kind of hcs you were talking about? ive been trying to think of the right words for like 3 hours now. im very bad with words and so much of this stuff can also be attributed to other brain stuff, and one person can have a lot going on in one brain! so i hope i dont upset anyone with this post. thank u for ur time :)

i feel like ur almost the only person who i can talk to about this. i lost my brother similar to you also almost three years ago. how do you feel about the angus cloud situation? i couldn’t even read the full article bc i related to his situation so well and it hit me to my core. my mom and i almost both took our lives together days after his passing and sometimes i feel guilty for still being here when i wanted to just end it all and still do bc life’s not worth it without him. i also judge myself bc i feel like bc i didn’t leave i’m not showing how horrible i truly feel (to both him, myself, and others) idk. i just wanted ur thoughts on feeling guilty and also feeling invalidated in how we handle our grief

yeah honestly i've been avoiding articles on it like ever since i heard the news ive just been kind of blocking it out, did the same w demi lovato's drug overdose in (i think) 2021 i just can't even begin to approach news like that. it fucks me up for weeks/months at a time and i cant afford to feel like that honestly. i'm so so sorry youre going through it too and i'm sorry youre in such a dark place, i know me and my mam often are too. it's the kind of feeling words cant really touch and i wont try but i absolutely do understand and i think everything youre going through makes a very painful sort of sense - the guilt, the absolute despair, having to go along with the way life just moves forward and then feeling bad because youre not displaying how awful you truly feel. i feel like i'm feeling my sister in so many ways every day honestly, i feel like i failed her the day she died and every day since. guilt is such a big part of my grief, and i think it's one of the most unavoidable and natural parts of it too unfortunately. we'll always feel a heavy responsibility towards them because we love them so so much and the worst thing that couldve happened to them happened. i think there's not many ways for the brain to make sense of that without going a bit mad. there are so many moments that ive wished i could swap places with her, so many moments i just want to die, and still i'm here and i still i have to deal with being here. those are very difficult, conflicting emotions - im so so sorry. i hope you have the support you deserve in your life and i hope youre able to find a way to mourn your brother that feels a bit more cathartic (if there even is such a version of mourning.) i hope you're able to talk about this with a grief counsellor or someone who can help you make sense of what youre thinking and feeling in a way that doesn't hurt so much - not because i think it'll solve anything or bring your brother back, because you deserve to be listened to and validated throughout the grieving process. for your own good, whether you feel you deserve it or not - you do. if you ever want to talk about him, tell stories about him and what he was like, or talk about what ur going please know im always here. i'd like to talk about becca (my sister) more too and share her memory in a way that makes her feel real again. sending a massive hug. x

I hate you

A guilty confession. I don't want to, I didn't mean to, but now I do.

Javey

David stood in front of the circulation gate, having taken the position of leader since Jack left him the night before.

“Alright, remember, we’re hurtin them and they know it. No soakin’ or hittin’ anyone.” He reminded the newsies as the gates swung open. The wagons made their way out followed by the army of goons and scabbers.

“I’m seein t’ings tell me i seein t’ings!” Spot yelled angrily, pointing toward the scabbers. David turned around to see none other than Jack Kelly standing there, clad in new fancy clothes, a stack of papes in his hand.

David looked at him dumbfounded. He knew the other newsies were yelling things, but it all sounded muffled to him, as if he was underwater. It couldn’t be. Not his Jack. His Jack would never scab. Not the Jack that kissed him in the alleyway the night before.

“This is why you left last night isn’t it?!” He accused Jack, anger bubbling inside of him as the shock subsided.

“You’re a liar! You lied about everything!” He accused him, thinking back to the other night. Jack had confessed to him. Said that he felt things, things you’re not supposed to feel towards someone who is just a friend. They had kissed in that alleyway and now here he was, new clothes from Pulitzer of all people.

“So? What you wanna do about it Dave?” Jack responded with a shrug, acting like this wasn’t killing him inside. He had to be strong. He couldn’t afford anyone gettin locked up because of him, especially not David. The refuge was no place for someone like him. It would chew him up and spit him out and Jack wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

“I don’t understand you.” David replied, crossing his arms. He gave Jack a hard look, waiting for him to break and say it was all some sort of plan. That he wasn’t really giving up.

“Oh so let me spell it out for you. You see, I aint got nobody tuckin’ me in a niht, like you. It’s just me. I gotta look out fo’ myself, alrih?!” He spat back. David didn’t understand. He had folks and a place to call home. He had others to depend on for food and clothes and shelter. He was a good boy who went to school and would probably have a fancy job in some office some day. All Jack had was Santa Fe and until then it was his job to protect the younger newsies. Francis had left him in charge. It was his job.

“You had the newsies!” Dave protested, pointing at the angry crowd who had all showed up in support of Jack and the strike.

“Oh what did bein’ a newsie eva give me bu a dime a day n a few black eyes?” Jack asked with a scoff. “Ya know, I cant afford ta be a kid no mo Dave. Fo tha firs time in my life I got money in me pockets, real money. Money. You understan?!” He replied, shoving his shoulder to emphasize his point and also to put a little distance between him and Davey.

“I got mo on tha way n as soon as i collect ‘m gone, ‘m away, alrih?!” He said heatedly. Dave didn’t understand, he was too perfect. He was too good for Jack. He couldn’t have Dave, not when he could do so much better. He had to do this.

“Well that’s good because we don’t need you!” Davey replied, gesturing towards the other newsies. “We don’t need you! Because all those words you said, those were mine.” He added on, taking a step back from him. If Jack was going to give up he would lead the strike without him. He wasn’t afraid. He wasn’t a coward.

That stung Jack. It made his heart drop into his stomach and tears prick at the corners of his eyes. David was right. They didn’t need him. He was replaceable.

“Yeah, but you never had the guts to say em yaself, did ya?” He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth as soon as he saw the hurt in Davey’s eyes.

David straightened up and Jack could almost physically see the walls that he had gotten past to start to rebuild.

“I hate you.” David said coldly, his stare just as icy as his words, monotonous with no feeling. No life. “I hate you.” He repeated, shoving Jack away from him before walking back to the newsies, taking the rest of Jack’s heart with him.

Thanks for the ask!

૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡

-Lav

so this is going to the void which is good bc its 5am and i should probably have my phone taken from me these thoughts are so shitty

tw forrrrrr child abuse, vague vague aids mention.

eddie headcanons lets go

his dad is on death row . he made a comment about living up to the munson name for being accused of murder and it just feels right

he likes marlboro reds but he steals steve's menthol cigarettes when they first start hanging out. but he fucking hates the taste of mint so he never steals one again.

his mom was In His Life Ish. she was very severely mentally ill and never stood up for eddie or really provided for him. she watched eddies dad kick him out, but eddie still cant bring himself to hate her because even though she was indifferent to him at best and cruel at worst, she was the one who called wayne to come get him after his dad kicked him out.

he grew up in chicago with his parents in a slightly more established trailer park. if anyone has seen the black phone, something like the main kid's neighborhood. his dad kicked him out over the summer before he started eighth grade, and wayne came and brought him back to hawkins no questions asked.

not eddie but i think that wayne is probably gay too, but too old and busy to worry about any of it. its why he takes eddie in

eddie learned guitar from his best friend in chicago. his friend was a year older than him but in the same grade and was a total mini-prep.

eddie got into metal mostly because the album covers looked cool and he ended up liking out they sounded, too.

he loves cats, especially black cats. he calls every orange tabby he sees garfield, and when he can afford it he buys bags of cat food for the strays around the trailer park

eddie fucking loves the rocky horror picture show. he dressed up as dr frank n furter when he was 18, and the following march he drove back to chicago to see a shadow cast performance. he tried to give his number to the queen who performed as dr frank but she laughed and told him to grow up a little more, come back in a year. he went back in august just because he wanted to and because he wanted to learn the audience lines. it was a different queen and he was told that the other queen was dead and eddie didn't even bother to ask why, he just drove home and cried to wayne about it for a while. he started trying to go every month after that but he stopped halfway through his second senior year.

happy one after all that. he shoplifts from a corner store the summer after s4 and bumps into steve's back like right outside the door and it ends up getting him caught. steve isnt sorry at all, he thinks its hilarious, but he apologizes a lot and eventually does feel guilty just because of eddies history with the cops. he apologized so much and was so nice afterwards that eddie steals a tears for fears cassette for him.

he would love hash pipe by weezer.

tw- family problems, parental issues,fighting, relationship problems (i think)

seeking- advice, vent

(sorry for any typos) also, can this be tagged as flower anon tyy:)

my whole life my dad has treated my mom terribly i didn’t realize it wasnt normal when i was little, as i’ve gotten older i’ve been realizing how terrible he treats everyone around him especially my mom. my eyes have recently been opening to his true character and i wont go into detail but i feel so guilty that im resenting him cause he can be so nice sometimes but even that is following by something negative. but i dont wanna make this about that cause its about how he treats my mom.

when i was younger they would fight all the time and even still hes always the one to start it. all he does is complain about everything yet does nothing about whatever it is he’s complaining about. he has my mom do his laundry, make his dinner, fold his clothes, make his bed, all of it. by the way my mom has her own job which shes in a lot of pain at the end of the day cause of it and she has to come home to his bs. if she doesnt have his dinner done he freaks out and guilt trips by saying how hes gonna go to bed without eating, when they eat out almost every night so he can easily order food himself or go pick it up. even if he wants her to make home-cooked food for dinner if shes at work, literally doing her job he’ll complain about it and make her feel bad.

he makes her pay rent even tho her hours have got cut so she doesnt make as much any more and he can absolutely afford the whole rent himself. he has literally gone to her job and yelled at her before and now she doesnt want to get another job cause she knows hes gonna go to the boss there and tell him what time she can and cant work.

he polices everything she does if she gets a package he pesters her about whats in it, she leaves the house he pesters her about that. just today she was literally at his parents house (something he never does) and got mad at her for being gone??? its unbelievable. this is all only the icing on the cake. i remember one time me and my mom were going to get something to eat and he yelled at her before we left and when we were in the car she said to me “when you marry, marry someone who will let you be yourself” and it just broke my heart:( she deserves so much better and i just dont know how to help. i want to get a job to help her with money but i have severe social anxiety and also no school or work credits to do so but hopefully once i get my GED ill be able to do something with that. but im no sure what to do. i want to help her so bad but i have no idea how. theres so much more to all of this but im not sure how to tw it 100% correctly so i dont want to say too much, but if there’s any advice you have for this situation it would be really appreciated 🥲 thank you so much for your time!

Hi anon,

It's understandable why you feel guilty for resenting your dad even though sometimes he can be sweet or well-mannered. But it's important to honor why you feel resentment and not necessarily let your dad's good behavior make you feel like you can't be upset about how he has behaved in the past. Sometimes people intentionally behave well to minimize the impact of their bad behavior and make others feel like they have no right to complain. But it's also possible that good behavior is a sign of learning from past mistakes, but even still, it's natural and okay to feel complex emotions about that shift.

It sounds like your dad puts full responsibility on your mom, both productive and reproductive labor, to the point that he acts as if he is completely dependent on your mom fulfilling unreasonable expectations. It makes sense why your mom seems to be constantly driven to a breaking point - because she is carrying the entire weight of the relationship, and more.

It sounds like the best thing for your mom is to get away from your dad, but of course it's not simple or easy. I don't know where she is located but she could potentially consider looking into nearby domestic violence shelters as they can offer a safe place to stay while she comes up with a plan to live independently.

If anyone has any other comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

Personal share: I just needed to vent this out to a void of some sort.

Nobody warns you about the 'literal' COST of Living you face once your born. I feel like my childhood was me being scammed into spending a bunch only to be later slapped in the face with the receipt and expected to pay it. "What?You can't pay it? Well let's make it a debt you owe me, now get to work bitch"

I'm sharing this here because honestly, I think if anyone I know and love in my real life were to hear me out they'd tell me what I already know "That's just Life".

With how sensitive i am right now, I'd break down into a sobbing mess and I can't afford that right now......

- Im on the verge of feeling numb again, like brittle and so ready to disappear.

-Im struggling to feel passion and feel stuck in an endless cycle of work, sleep, eat repeat.

- I feel empty and a constant thrum of nausea at everything I say, do or when I see my reflection.

-Ive tried buying my joy and short bursts of satisfaction but it always leaves my bank account empty and fades too quickly.

-I miss my parents, but I'm a adult now and they expect adult things from me. They don't have time for my mood swings because I'm "just too much"

-My sister is drained from work and I don't want to be an additional burden

-My best friend is preparing to fight for her new career and I don't even have my liscense to drive. (I have no idea why she still keeps me around when I'm so unambitious)

- My cousin has lost so much weight and im growing jealous of her confidence. (She's married and has 3kids!! I'm jealous that she's found someone she trusted to start a family with and I'm still a lonely sob)

-My brother is moving out to live with his long term gf and start his studies. (He has no loans thanks to my sis and I, Obvs doesn't respect or care for me as much as he does her. I deserve it honestly, but it still stings sometimes)

- I struggle to speak most days because I just don't think. I have anything worth saying. (But my job requires me to call ppl and I cant afford to lose this gig)

-I struggle to eat because I just can't find the balance between starving and overindulgence. (I love my body. But there are parts of me I feel I need to change because society or loved ones say I should)

-I struggle to socialise because I just don't share the same interest as those around me or my work colleagues. (Is this because I don't know who I am some days? Or because I just don't have the energy to be contradictory to somebody else's opinion?)

-Im constantly sick and feel guilty for taking days off and still getting sick leave pay. (My job caters to this!! It's in my contract so why can't my brain stop making everything feel like doomsday!?)

- I don't often make mistakes but when I do their huge and I feel immense shame and guilt everytime. I'd offer up my limb if it would make the bad feeling go away. (These are the moments I wish I could read minds, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it!? Is it actually ok or are you just saying that then talking shit bout me behind my back?)

Honestly..... I just don't think I value myself enough right now, I don't think Im seeing my worth and I desperately need to fix it before it becomes worse.

I've had this fight before and I won, I'm not doing it again.

I'm tired.

God am I tired.

Fuck.

If this doesn't ease up before my next one to one with my boss, I'll ask them to send me to therapy (work benefit is that'll be free)

info under the cut :)

alr i do wanna mention here that sylvester is an alienist, aka, the very old term for a psychologist. he lives in las vegas and works with homocides, specifically the womens unit of asylums and high security prisons, and although he does technically work with detectives he often crosses the line to get more access than what hes allowed. hes heavily dissociative and neurotic himself but he tries very much not to show it, and for the most part, passes as sane - but when he works with his cases he cant help but empathize or see the logic in the murders. he does so because he has very VERY little grip on identity and a contradictory view on the sanctity of life that drives him insane. he will be cruel, but will desperately apologize and feel guilty afterwards, even though he doesnt really mean it. im toying with the idea that he'd recreate the murders on the cases he works on. id say that his accquaintanceship with all his patients earns him a spot of honor within all the spheres of "insane" women or really anyone considered hysterical, which is a lot for his time - and they afford him many favors he typically refuses but appreciates. he has a kind manner with them but its mostly performative as he doesnt much admire them so much as hes drawn in by their thought processes. anyway, hes haunted deeply by another ... character ? just drawing another alter tbh, that ill eventually get to. besides all that deep stuff hes gay as fuck (on the aro spectrum though) but doesnt really . know it. his extracurricular interests include gambling and drinking and attending theatre. hes not a sloppy drunk, he instead finds his understanding of the psyche rather useful in scenes like this. he refuses to turn his psychological eye on himself. its something he'll violently refuse. but regardless, i associate him with the turn of the century. trains, radio, speakeasies, newfangled telephones, the printing press, newspapers, motorcars, that sort of thing.

Tw: venting (mentions of death trauma, family problems, etc)

I think I am going through another episode like years ago, I have tried my best to keep myself stable and silence the dangerous and panic inducing thoughts but I dont know how much more I will be able to endure.

For those that dont know, I have major anxiety and phobia to death. In 2021 I had to be taken to a psychologist because I broke down in my moms arms, not being able to stop the constant storm of my brain making me panic about how one day Im not going to be here,that I could die any moment and I dont have a guarantee of whats going to happen after that... Its hell, its horrible I love living so much and I know I should already have processed the thoughts... But I cant man. I cant and its horrible to live like this.

I was medicated with anxiety pills (my mom was afraid I could get addicted to antidepression pills until months later another doctor actually prescribed them to me) and ever since I "became better" I've been feeling guilty to ask her to buy me more because I dont want to worry her more.

Before turning 18 I NEVER visioned myself getting to live 24. I cried the early morning I turned 18 because I just didnt knew what to do. I still dont know what to do.

Im at 24 and Im getting let down more and more by life. Situation at home is still shitty and I just... Dont see a way for us to leave here.

Its been 5 fucking years since we began searching for a home to move away from my dad (to clarify: my dad is not physically nor verbally abusive. But he is a cheater, a selfish person and emotionally manipulative jobless liar.) and we cant... We just cant. Everywhere expects you to be paying 400$ a month for a one room apartment or 90k for a home thats falling apart, we cannot afford to move to another departament because of my university and her job. Traffic from other cities like San Marcos, San Martin and even Mejicanos is just too fucking much. Its already too much where we live.

Even if I had a job, we couldnt be able to move somewhere better, we have been stuck here for 5 years, two fucking years taken from covid and 3 to try to stabilize ourselves after that (plus his medical bills after he got kidney stones riiiight after leaving his job, very fucking convenient)

We cant even move to my grandma's or my mom's sister's house. They live on the other side of the country and they have always been very vocal about being against my mom and siding with my dad. And even tho we have the support of some of my dad's sisters... We just cant move to their home.

Everyday I wake up here is like being stuck in a time loop. Every day is the fucking same and I just find a way to distract myself before being yanked back to reality, same with my mom. And you know the worst? I also have to be my moms therapist.

Im tired man, all of this is driving me crazy and the hopelessness I feel when I realize my position is just... Overwhelmingly sad. I hate this life, I hate the life I was given and I hate being brought to a broken family, I hate that my life could have been better if ONLY my dad was not a piece of shit cheating on my mom and putting HIS family side before us, I hate that things could have been so... So much different if only he was a good person. Im not strong enough to continue pretending its not affecting my mental health, no wonder the intrusive thoughts increased these months... These past days.

I feel miserable, I feel worthless, I feel like everything is not worth it. I have insomnia until like 4 am and I panic when I cant find anything I can listen to so I can get some sleep. I havent been able to draw because I dont feel its worth it... I have only been able to distract myself playing and going to uni.

And even putting my family problems aside, I still cant find joy or hope. National news and seeing how this country its being turned into the gringos/politicians playhouse, how even if my life was "better" Im still in danger for being a queer afab person. How people still have blind faith in a fascist regime and money runs lower and lower for the working class meanwhile they proudly announce the inauguration of gentrified beaches and zones of San Salvador, displacing markets and historial establishments to put a fucking starbucks and other multinationals to be more gringo friendly while zones like Apopa and Soyapango are heavily militarized and the police can just say you are linked to the gangs to abuse you.

On top of that coming to terms that I may not end up working in anything art related and having to accept thar if I ever get a job Ill have to rot in an office, seeing how even tho I want to stay away from the norm I feel forced to join it... And that also means having to ""accept my prewritten gender role"".

Everyday that passes feels as if life will force me to live as a straight cis woman or otherwise I will just have to accept being alone the rest of my life.

I know Im being too negative right now, Im letting out how I've been feeling because lately its just been... Too much. Last night I even had a small disagreement with my mom because Im just not in the mood for being her therapist during this we're dealing. I know my dad is an asshole and I know hes using the few money he has to pamper his other woman instead of helping with the bills, I already know he tries to lie to us and acts as the victim. Its tiring to go through the same conversation about him everyday.

So yeah, back to my life... I just wish for some peace you know? I wish for a house where I can actually see the sky from my window and not worrying about at least my family problems. Srry for the sudden emotional explosion