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shinsorokiri · 3 years

Text

S/O Loses Memory and Quirk

Todoroki, Bakugou, and Kirishima HCs

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Language, violence, mentions of stab wounds and blood, a panic attack, spoiler for Bakugou’s hero name, sad bois

A/N: So I had two requests that mentioned these three with this concept and I just finished all of them and I’m so proud that I wanted to post these ones before the other two for Denki and All Might were finished but I’ll get those out as soon as possible. I cried writing Bakugou’s, so... there’s that HAHA please enjoy!

Here’s the first one with Shinsou, Aizawa, Hawks, and Dabi!

Todoroki Shouto | Shouto

Shouto knows you’re a strong woman and that he doesn’t need to constantly be there to protect you

But he does prefer to be there if something bad is happening

The only problem is that you two went to two different agencies after graduating

And in doing so were on opposite sides of the city

Now he always knew when something was happening on your hero route because I mean

He actually needs to in case something bad happens since it’s his JOB

But he also just really wants to be there for you if you really need it

There hasn’t been a time like that, though

So imagine his utter shock and genuine fear when that time came

He was told to go to where you were patrolling because you’d been attacked and wound up in the hospital

You know the scene with the flame tear? Yeah that but times ten

He goes on patrol like a good little hero

But boy oh BOY did he just want to go to the hospital

You’d never lost a fight before

Not even against him

Your quirk was literally the most powerful quirk he’s ever seen and I mean like, yeah, sure, he might be biased but STILL you were really powerful

So what kind of villain could hurt you so bad you had to go to the hospital???

Luckily, he only had an hour left of patrolling

And as soon as that hour was up

Mans bolted

He was OFF

He ran into that hospital

And he politely asked where your room was

Because although he’s PANICKING he still is a little socially awkward sweetie and he doesn’t wanna be a dick to anyone and be labeled similar to his father no no NO

But as soon as he got the number he was sprinting man

He was so worried

All patrol he was quieter than usual

And he was ridiculously anxious the whole time

His palms were sweaty

He felt like he could throw up at any second

And right now

He thought his heart was about to beat out of his chest

He carefully opens the door

You might be sleeping, he has to be considerate

And sure enough he sees your unconscious form laying in a hospital bed

It looked like you had some broken bones, and multiple bruises and cuts which means someone must have beat the shit out of you

Lovely

That’s what he needed to see

Definitely

Mans doesn’t show emotion that much

But when it comes to you and since it was just you and him in the room

He broke down crying

He couldn’t help it

He grabbed your hand

And just sat there crying

Poor guy can’t lose you

You were the best thing that ever happened to him 🥺

You showed him that it was okay to feel things and express those things and let people in

He let you in and he couldn’t let you go now

He was a genuine mess for the next couple of weeks

Because you weren’t waking up

He went against what Midoriya said and asked around about what happened to you

And what he heard was horrific

Apparently the villain snuck up on you

And hit you in a few different places

And then you fell down

And then you couldn’t access your quirk

And that’s why you were in the hospital

He didn’t want to think about the part that happened after you were virtually defenseless

Around his friends he was spacier than usual

He wasn’t really retaining information

And his agency let him take more days off than usual because they knew he was Going Through It

And luckily on one of those days you woke up

He was next to you as per usual

Holding your hand

Playing with your fingers like he always does when he gets anxious

He missed being able to do that in social situations

Or when you two were cuddling at night and he was thinking about something that was stressing him out and he would start to fiddle with your hand and you would ask him what’s wrong

He missed you

So when he felt your hand start to move by itself

He basically gave himself whiplash with how fast he looked from your hand to your face

Sure enough

Your eyes were open

And you were looking at him

“(Y/n)…”

He whispered your name as not to scare you

You could have a concussion or mild amnesia

He has already considered everything that could be wrong with you

Because he overthinks a lot

And he was nervous about this

And there was one thing he had in the back of his mind

That would probably be the worst case scenario

And much to his fears

That was confirmed to be what was going on almost immediately

“Todoroki?”

He just stares for a moment

You hadn’t called him Todoroki since… well, a long time now

Probably back in your UA days

The two of you began dating in your second year though so

It’s been a while

“You look… older..?”

He clears his throat

Nodding

“Yes. Well… I am 20 years old now. I would hope I look older.”

“Wait, what?”

Oh shit.

He just confused you.

Damnit, Shouto.

“Uhh… well, um. You see…”

“Todoroki what is going on? And why are you holding my hand like that?”

He freezes

He was still playing with your fingers

And it wasn’t that you didn’t want him to

You were just genuinely confused

He knew that

“Before I say anything else that could be detrimental to your mental health, maybe you should ring your nurse.”

You do as he says

And the nurses and a doctor come rushing into your room

They do some evaluations

And sure enough

Your memory has been completely wiped

As has the access to the portion of your brain that allows you to control your quirk

The doctor explains to Todoroki that he’s unsure of how this happened

Bu Todoroki knows it has to be that villain

Whatever that villain did did this to you

And Todoroki isn’t one to show emotions

But boy oh BOY was he riled up right now

He lowkey accidentally caught something on fire

And then to fix it lowkey on purpose just turned it into a block of ice

Even though Endeavor is the worst man on the planet

Mans is persistent on shit that’s for sure

And that’s like

The only trait Shouto got from that literal dumpster fire of a father

And he wasn’t about to let the piece of shit that hurt you get away with it

Of course, when it comes to you as a person he’s very patient

Very understanding

Respects boundaries

But he will not REST

Until the motherfucker who did this to you gets caught by him

And he will find them.

Bakugou Katsuki | DynaMight

OH BOY HERE WE GO

So Bakugou was already very protective over you

I mean that’s expected though

It’s

It’s literally Bakugou

So mans has tabs on you at all times

You don’t know how he does it tbh

He jokes

Yes, Bakugou can joke

He jokes about having a sixth sense when it comes to you

He just gets this feeling about you

If you’re sad? He knows

Happy? He knows

In danger? MANS KNOWS

And I guess he also has a GPS built into his brain???

He just

He knows

Probably because he cares extremely deeply about you

Like really fucking deeply

You’re the best thing that has ever happened to him

Ever since high school

First day

When you weren’t intimidated by him

There was just something special about you

And even though it took until after graduation and you almost DYING on a mission for him to finally accept that he can FEEL THINGS

He officially asked you to be his girlfriend

I say officially because, well

Y’all have basically been dating since like

Second year of high school

Even though it wasn’t official

It was obvious

He was whipped

He still is

He’s known you for five years

You’ve been officially dating for two of those years

You were unofficially dating for four

You were the most important thing in his life

You even surpassed becoming the number one hero somehow

Though he will NEVER admit that

EVER

It took him a while to realize it

But the thought of living without you?

Scared him more than any villain ever could

And that is why

Mans is all dressed up

Lookin nice

Took a day off of patrol at his agency because tonight is a special night

Of course, you don’t know anything

As it should be

He didn’t tell a soul that he was planning on proposing tonight

Okay… maybe that is a lie

He told Kirishima when he got blackout drunk with the boys one night

Long story, don’t ask how it happened, even the boys don’t know

And Kirishima then proceeded to tell everyone of his other friends

So they all knew

But they also all knew to keep it a FUCKING SECRET unless they wanted blown up

But boy oh boy they were excited to see the pictures and the ring and the everything

But I digress

Bakugou is in the house the two of you purchased a while back

It was very much off the damn grid

For ~safety~

And he’s very much just messing with how he looks

He has to look perfect because he knows you’re about to

And he can’t be proposing to you unless he’s on your level

When suddenly

He gets a

Feeling

But it isn’t the warm feeling he gets when you’re happy

Or the doopy one he gets when you’re sad

Or the wave of exhaustion he feels when you’re tired

Or the tingly feeling he gets when you’re mad

It’s the feeling where his spine tenses

And his blood goes cold

And his heart drops to the floor

The one he only felt one other time

The time you almost died

He was out of that house so fast

He didn’t even care if he looked all nice

You were in danger

He blasted his way through the city

Saying he was frantic is an understatement

He was FERAL

He got to where you were just in time to see you get slammed into the concrete by some piece of shit villain

You were unconscious

And you weren’t moving

He saw red

He didn’t even remember blasting over to the villain and punching them in the face

But he did that

And he did it HARD

Of course the villain was like OH FUCK

THIS IS THE NUMBER TWO HERO

I DIDN’T THINK HE’D ACTUALLY GET HERE THIS FAST

Because obviously the villain knew who you were

That’s why you were targeted

Breaking Bakugou’s spirit is needed if villains want to become more fearful and powerful

The villain starts sprinting away

And before Bakugou can catch them

He hears an ambulance siren

He suddenly forgets all about the villain because he whips around to see you getting loaded onto a gurney

Paramedics are doing everything they can to keep you alive at this point

He’s horrified to say the least

You’re the love of his life

The last time he saw you like this is when he accepted it

Seeing you like this again just makes him realize it even deeper somehow

He runs to the ambulance

But the paramedics tell him he needs to go to the hospital separately because you’re badly injured and they need to perform some procedures on the way to the hospital to keep you alive

He doesn’t even realize he’s crying until his eyes start to sting

He wants to tell the paramedics to fuck off

Don’t they realize this is supposed to be one of the best days of yours and his lives?

But he can’t

Because before he can

They’re gone

He chases after you though

He needs to be by your side right now

He needs to know that you will be okay

He needs you to be okay

So imagine how nerve-wracking it is for him to learn that you were in surgery

He waited in the waiting room all day long

This incident happened around one in the afternoon

and it was now one in the morning

He was just sitting in the hospital waiting room

Looking down at the little box in his hand

Crying

Which is a sight for anyone who sees him

The ring he bought for you is the only thing he can focus on

He doesn’t even notice the non-stop buzzing in his pocket coming from his and your friends wondering if the two of you are okay because the footage of the fight cut out right before Bakugou punched the villain

They all thought you were both hurt pretty badly

I mean after your quirk was seemingly taken from you…

The only thing that snaps him out of his trance

Is when the doctor comes out and says his name

His head snaps up so fast

He approaches the doctor just as fast

He knows he should expect the worst

But he can’t help but keep repeating that you’re okay

That everything will be fine because you are okay

They fixed you up

You’ll come home all happy

He’ll propose to you in the living room at this point

Today will be fixed

Instead

He hears that although you’re stable

You have what appears to be brain damage

“What kind of fucking brain damage?”

“She has severe amnesia which means that-”

“How severe?”

“Well… according to her brain scan and the fact that she said the year was two and a half years ago, I’m afraid it’s significantly severe.”

Two and a half years

Two and a half years?!

He just stares at the doctor

If you think it’s two and a half years ago

That means he hasn’t asked you out yet

That means in your mind

You’re still in high school

About to graduate

This cannot be happening

There is not way this is happening

“Can I see her?”

His voice sounds foreign to him

The doctor nods

Leading him to your room

He puts the ring back in his pocket out of instinct

And when he enters your room

He wants nothing more than for you to yell something like PSYCH

GOT YOU BLASTY BITCH

HAHAHA

But he’s just met with a your mouth opening wide and eye getting big

“Bakugou?! You’re so dressed up!”

Bakugou

Why didn’t he let you call him Katsuki sooner

Why didn’t he ask you out before two years ago

Why wasn’t he there to save you

“W-Woah… Bakugou, you don’t have to cry this isn’t my first hospital stay… wait, when did you get an undercut?”

He just walks towards you

“You also look… older… is this seriously what you look like when you clean up?”

He watches as your expression falters for a moment

“Wait… are you like… going on a date or something?”

Good to know you still have feelings for him at least

He just nods

And you try to hide the disappointment on your face

“Oh… well, you better tell me all about it when we get back to the dorms.”

Your fake enthusiasm is killing him

What killing him even more though is that the doctors didn’t tell you what was going on

So he’ll tell you instead

“Actually,”

Damnit

His voice is wavering

This is new for him

He clears his throat

“I’m not… I’m not going on a date anymore. I had one but… things didn’t turn out as planned.”

“Oh?”

He almost smiles at the sudden mood shift you had

How can you still be perky like that sitting in a hospital bed

“Yeah… because, um. It was a date with you…”

“…Oh…?”

“You got hurt pretty bad, angel…”

He explains everything to you

Well

As much as he can

And he also finds out about your quirk

And how it’s just

Gone

You have to stay in the hospital tonight for further testing tomorrow

And you insist that he goes home

But he says it isn’t home if you’re not there

He stays in the chair right next to your bed

Watching you as you sleep

He knows you believe him

He knows that you have feeling for him

But he’s broken, truly

Not only was he not your hero today

He didn’t save you

He doesn’t know if you’ll ever remember any of those years with him

Any of your firsts

And that makes him ache

He pulls out your ring again

And just looks at it

The only light in the room is the moonlight peaking in through the window

And in that moment

He swears to himself

And to you

That the villain who did this

Is going to pay

Kirishima Eijirou | Red Riot

Eijirou has always been your rock

Figuratively and literally

He’s there for you through everything

And I mean everything

The two of you have been next door neighbors since you were kids

And he literally always had a crush on you

Of course the feelings were mutual

But neither you nor shark boy knew that

Until y’all got to high school

And Bakugou was very

Annoyed

About the two of you pining for each other

Mina was beyond annoyed

She went to middle school with you two

So when Bakugou finally just

Screamed at the two of you to just shut the fuck up with the flirting and date already

Mina deadass jumped out of her seat at lunch and screamed thank you at the top of her lungs

Of course the two of you were as red as his hair

Which, yes

You did help him pick out the exact shade and helped dye as well

His hands were stained red because he accidentally only bought one pair of gloves and it wouldn’t have been manly to make you help without gloves on

But I digress

The two of you started dating shortly after that

And when I tell you that you were the couple everyone would look at and be all “awwwww”

I MEAN IT

And y’all are just in high school

Granted, it’s your final year and the two of you are both interning and are already confirmed to become sidekicks and Fatgum’s Agency

So y’all do be a little mature

But still

You started dating freshman year

And you’re going strong still

Of course

And words cannot describe how relieved he is that the two of you are at the same agency

Because if anything ever went bad he would be there to save you

And you would be there to save him

But literally nothing could prepare him for what was about to happen to you

It was a normal patrol

The two of you were together

Talking about graduation next week

And how the two of you were excited to move out of the dorms and into the apartment you had picked

And how you would finally be able to adopt the little mutt that the two of you love from the shelter

When out of no where

A villain popped down off of a building

Right behind you

And did something weird to you

They hit you meticulously and in specific places

Before Kirishima could even process what was going on

You were on the ground

Of course

You raised an arm

Ready to fight and use your quirk

But nothing happened

You tried again

Nothing

You and Kirishima make eye contact and he can feel the fear radiating off of you

Now he was worried

Very worried

But you knew how to fight

And he was there, too

So this wouldn’t end too bad

UNTIL THERE WAS A FUCKING EXPLOSION IN THE BUILDING THE VILLAIN JUST POPPED OUT OF

You were already back on your feet

Ready to fight this motherfucker

“Go help the people inside, Red Riot. I can handle this one.”

“But-”

“GO!”

He goes

Reluctantly

But he does know you can hold your own

Even if that villain temporarily blocked your quirk

He hardens

Turning his headpiece into a filtering mask (a great addition he thought of so he could run into burning buildings while hardened to save people and not take damage to his lungs in the process)

And luckily

There were only three people inside

So he grabs them and runs out

Easy

And he’s expecting to be met with you handcuffing the bad guy

But instead

He’s met with you getting the life beat out of you

Literally

You’re on the ground

The villain pulled out swords while he was gone

And it was obvious you were down and weren’t gettingup

But the villain just wasn’t letting up

Kirishima’s legs work before his brain

He runs over to the villain and lands a punch to their face

Which causes them to stumble backwards

Before they throw the swords at a random citizen who is observing

He immediately runs to the citizen, deflecting the swords

But the villain ran off in the mean time

Like they disappeared without a trace

But honestly

Even if they were still there

Kirishima would have run to you regardless

He immediately kneels down

“(Y/n)?! (Y/n), can you hear me?!”

He ditched the hero names this time

You weren’t responding

You were out cold

He starts panicking

Full on hyperventilating

You looked bad

You were pierced by the villains swords in your side

Blood was everywhere

Your breathing was shallow

Regardless of the genuine panic attack he was going through right now

He somehow managed to control his breathing so you wouldn’t bleed out on the ground

He needed to help you

He picks you up

Instantly starting to sprint to the ambulances beginning to pull up

As soon as the paramedics see the state you’re in they get you off of him

And speed off to the hospital

Kirishima is left alone

Staring at his hands

Which were dyed red with your blood

All he could see was your face laughing at him because he forgot to get two pairs of gloves the first time you helped him dye his hair

…He didn’t like red all that much right now

After what feels like hours

But was really like two minutes

Tamaki shows up

Because he heard there was something going on

And as soon as he sees Kirishima on the ground and sobbing

He knows something bad has happened to you

He quickly gets him out of there

And back to the agency

Where Kirishima accidentally sees a replay of the fight on television

And he sees that you were fighting the villain just fine

But they were so nimble and fast

And all they did was hit the nape of your neck and then the side of your temple

And you collapsed

Tamaki turned the television off before the full fight was shown

But the damage was done

Kirishima was back on the ground

Tamaki tries to comfort him

But Kirishima is out of commission

“I couldn’t save her, Tamaki! I wasn’t there!”

“…C-Come on, Kirishima… w-we should… go to the hospital…”

Tamaki is trying so hard to get him to calm down

But to no avail

So eventually he just drags him out and to his car

He speeds to the hospital

And Kirishima doesn’t even wait for the car to slow down to run inside

He has to wait to see you

Since you were punctured

But he was willing to wait

And wait he did

For four days

Of course after you were done with your surgery he was allowed in your room

But it was a matter of waiting for you to wake up

He was always with you

He only went home to shower

He slept at the hospital

He needed to be with you

So when you finally woke up

He cried tears of happiness for the first time in days

“(Y/n), thank god you’re awake.”

“Eiji? What happened…?”

“There was a villain attack and they knocked you out and-”

“Why don’t you look 15?”

“What?”

“You look… older… and your hair is longer.”

“…What? You were the one who encouraged me to grow it out…”

“I… I was?”

He stares at you for a moment

His happy tears turning into ones of fear

Before hitting the call nurse button and asking you a question

“(Y/n) what grade are we in?”

“We’re freshmen at UA High School.”

No.

No, no, no, no, no

Before he could answer the doctor and nurses came in the room

They started asking you a bunch of questions

To which you answered the best you could

But it was obvious that you were convinced it was two years ago

The doctors took you off to do scans of your brain

This can’t be happening

You think it’s two years ago

Two years

So much has happened within those two years

The two of you have done so much

Just

Imagine how devastated he is when he hears your memory is just gone

And your quirk with it

You were a hero

Your quirk can’t be gone

“Eiji… please don’t cry, it’ll be okay.”

“I can’t help it, pebble. I wasn’t there to save you and now… now you don’t remember everything we’ve done. And… and your quirk… you’re the best hero I know, and now…”

“Eijirou, I promise you it will be okay. As long as you’ll be with me, like you always are, I will be fine.”

He doesn’t say anything

He just looks at his hand holding yours

At least you still remember he asked you to be his girlfriend

But he is deadset on finding the villain who did this to you

“I will get you out of this.”

“Ei…”

“I will fix this. I promise you. I will save you. I need to.”

428 notes · View notes

unproduciblesmackdown · 4 years

Note

Why don’t you like Only Us?

lmao Only Us exasperates me on like several levels at once......

i mean there’s plenty of stuff in deh that i’m just like. “i don’t particularly feel the need to experience this again” like, naturally i care most about the jared and alana content, so already a song with neither of them in it is at a disadvantage with me, which is yeah most of the songs but that’s deh canon for you. my favorite parts are the non-hansen non-murphy characters!! epic for me

meanwhile from like a Story standpoint the writing for zoe and evan’s relationship is like, baffling lmao, and i think both Love Songs (if i could tell her & only us) exemplify how it is a mess.......like, why does “if i could tell her” Not tell us why evan likes zoe???? it’d be great if we could find out, since we already have found out he’s never talked to her. is it just that she Seems Nice. b/c like, sure, except that here we have a whole song to explain to us in greater detail why evan is so set on being in love with zoe and pinning all his hopes on her, but he just kind of lists off random surface-level stuff which doesn’t actually tell us anything either about her or, you know, Why Evan Likes Her? we’re just skipping to like, “oh see he Pays Attention, that proves he likes her” like okay whatever but WHY lmfao please......and yknow not to mention that this is all stuff that we can understand as both “something evan noticed about zoe b/c of crushing on her” and “something zoe might think was an observation coming from her brother” like.......bit underwhelming here, and really the most interesting Interaction zoe and evan have is where zoe says the wild shit about how evan is a Fool to want to be financially secure and evan is “rude” in response and she’s like yeah you don’t have to be polite all the time, and then this potential avenue of connection of them both feeling Obligated to Act Nice is pretty much just dropped and their relationship just becomes based on “you’re nice” again and like, is Nothing lmao.........why

and slam dunking on “if i could tell her” also there b/c Only Us is similar in that like, oh here’s the other Love Song but now it’s zoe’s turn to tell us why she likes evan!!!!! except she pointedly Does Not like *why* are either of you At All invested in this relationship lmaooo i s2g........like, just writing in “wow i like you so much” is not really compelling and like. i would be fine with this just being some nice, enjoyable high school dating experience where they Don’t really have any big reason to be together beyond “well, you’re pretty nice,” except there’s the problems that a) between So Much Time and focus being put into this Relationship, and zoe’s character pretty much becoming “evan’s nice gf” for all of act 2 and not much else about any other aspect of her experience, and the fact that the whole finale to resolve the show and its themes (?? what are those) and evan’s arc (?? what is that) is zoe Forgiving him and saying “Everyone Needed [what he did] For Something” like....did they??? did You???? did jared, did alana.........and also then telling us that she wishes she could’ve dated evan still if things had been normal like???? whyyyyyyyyyyyyy. and why would zoe feel the need to tell him this. seems 2 be justifying evan’s crush and pinning-of-hopes re: her, and by extension justifying this whole Relationship being given soooo much focus b/c even if there’s meant to be some Ambiguity in what we, the audience, might be intended to take away from it, like, clearly this relationship is justified as being Vital and the show treating it as such. which wouldn’t quite fit if it Was just like “oh shrug yeah i mean dating you was alright but nbd” like, it Must be meant to be some whole ~signficant connection~ between them. buuut there’s no actual sign of that lol. and the other problem is b) it also can’t just be a Fun, Casual High School Romance b/c at no point do they really seem to enjoy being together lmao or comfortable in each other’s presence. even their Joking Around for 2 seconds at the start of the “only us” scene feels to me more like nervous joking to cut the tension lmao...

like it does not count to have evan be like “i like zoe” and never actually give us reason why and have zoe take the other love song like “i like you also” but not tell us Why and expect us to like, just take a wild guess at the Supposed Depth of this relationship and what constitutes it or be at all invested. and i mean, evan’s holding zoe at arm’s length b/c there’s this inherent amount of lying he has to do constantly, and why would zoe be like “wow this relationship is great, i’m getting so much out of it” like, have they had conversations?? have they Enjoyed being in each other’s presence and like had genuine fun Being Themselves??? “only us” really does just feel like this cop out both in terms of Why zoe likes him and Why zoe feels like this relationship *isn’t* completely entangled with evan’s supposed relationship with connor. in that it explains neither, just has the character Say that is how she feels. like, we have ALL of evan’s interactions with zoe being dependent on connor, and the whole Initial love song is zoe paying attention b/c Supposedly evan is telling her stuff about what connor thought about her, and then zoe deciding she Does want to kiss evan actually is via disappear and ywbf and everyone’s reaction to evan’s speech supposedly about connor and her dad acquiescing to the fact he has emotions about his dead son thanks to everyone’s reaction to evan’s speech / tcp........like, this relationship is clearly contingent on stuff re: connor, and zoe apparently changing her mind and wanting to be with him is Because of everything re: connor, but then like, just b/c she says in Only Us that she Doesn’t want it all to be about connor doesn’t change all of that......like, yeah, it can be true that she wants this relationship to be separate from anything re: connor, but just having her Say That does nothing to convince me that oh yeah they have this whole Romance that really *is* separate from connor, like?? where??? we haven’t seen it. and when zoe says at the end that she wishes she could’ve dated evan minus [everything that actually happened], again: why!!!!! what *was* your Relationship-Minus-Connor. here it Supposedly is in “only us,” except that the tl;dr of it is just them insisting they totally have a relationship which involves Them and Nothing Else and i do not buy it just b/c they’re saying it??? i mean, for a start, they’re just Hypothesizing it. “what if it’s us & only us” etc etc “we could Try that” like, fuck around and find out, pretty literally i guess??? lmfaoo god.........

like, there’s some space between “hey maybe the Entire Solution to your being Anxious about this relationship isn’t a handy list of things i like about you” and “i shouldn’t tell you anything i like about you” like, sure there’s something that maybe works in like, why don’t you just Assume i like you instead of assuming i Don’t until Proven Otherwise, but again she can get that across And tell him (and like, more importantly, us the audience) why she likes him......and she can give some of those reasons why she likes him Without it being just a list of traits or things she’s noticed a la “if i could tell her” lmao like, describe him broadly!!! talk about One Nice Experience you shared!!!! we have noooo info about why evan likes zoe or why zoe likes evan. we just know that they’re Nice Teens (or teens who feel obligated to act nice all the time) and they are saying “I Like You” to each other. why does this relationship feel so necessary and Good to zoe even after she found out he was lying, and was she having such a great time beforehand??? you can find lots of nice boys you can kiss if that’s what you’re after, like, neither love song tells us Anything about why this particular relationship is so important and good or like, has any substance at all

and additionally you Know i’m your one-stop shop for Hot Takes About Any Number Of Concepts Re: Romance(tm) Which I Think Are Bullshit Slash Hate lmfao and one of those is tying whatever notion of the Ideal Romantic Relationship to that like, isolating the partners, like oh they’re your whole world now and the relationship’s defined by the fact that you don’t need about anybody or anything else and/or don’t care about anything/anyone else even nearly as much and wouldn’t it be Great if nothing else existed but you and your partner and this relationship........like sure it’s one thing for evan and zoe to be like “hey epic some Alone Time where larry isn’t trying to share metaphors about sports equipment” or whatever. but like, okay sure @ the start of things where the focus is more on like “hmm weird that everything about our relationship is so tied to connor, what if we just sort of say it’s starting for real Now unrelated to all that, even though we even have to talk about it to do so” but then you get towards the end and oh we also want the whole world to be irrelevant to us. and absolutely everything except each other / It Is Only Us(tm) like.........again sure if you look at this Immediate Moment where they wanna make out and fade to black, whatever. but this moment is also supposed to be this second start to the relationship, at least sorta reestablishing it, so natch it’s sort of like....about More than this particular moment. the zoevan brand ethos is This??? where your relationship is defined by like, needing or Wanting to be [just the two of you] like, well it can’t always be, so what are you gonna do about that?? and if your Best Times Together in that ideal state of isolation is like, hey now let’s make out, okay, again there are many decently nice people out there to kiss

and there sure seems to be Some awareness that this isn’t ideal thanks to how the immediate next scene is alana going like “um what the fuck, evan” and evan taking out the stress of Having Problems on jared...........aaaand yet i’m not so sure this is like, “oh, the Only Us brand of approach of just wanting and trying to ignore The Rest Of The World wasn’t so ideal after all” but rather just like. Wow How Tragic that they couldn’t truly keep the rest of the world at bay and now reality is intruding on their perfect relationship :( which would suuuure seem to fit with the mystifying sentiment zoe expresses in the finale of like, oh i wish i could’ve dated you Normally w/o [how the entire course of their relationship played out] like. oh Only Us really WAS ideal, that’s the epitome of / the Core of all the great parts of their relationship which was obviously great, and if only everything re: tcp and connor wasn’t the way that it was, they would’ve just been able to forget obligations w/o someone being like “the hell” and hold hands and kiss without people talking about it or anyone feeling bitterly rejected........like, idk, would they Really have dated if the entire plot hadn’t happened as it did??? evan was never talking to zoe, and we don’t know why he liked her so much in the first place, and apparently zoe’s perception of evan was “sort of a loser” like, okay. and when they Are together thanks to tcp-related stuff, we get no more information about why they might like each other. that one potentially engaging thread of “we both feel obligated to put on these fronts of Constant Niceness” existed for like 3 seconds and then they just start being constantly nice around each other, great lol. like again, this doesn’t seem so much of like “oh, these teens just having a chill time dating maybe have this simplistic / offbase ideas about relationships” as much as like the show justifies Only Us and all the sentiments therein.........like yeah wow if Only it could’ve been only them and the rest of the world could’ve stayed out of it!!! everything would’ve been perfect!! b/c we tell you so

not to mention all the like Official covers of Only Us which areout of the specific context in which it’s placed in the show, which sure only emphasizes like “hey these sentiments can be and should be taken straightforwardly” and i’m like, get tf away from me with this lmfao i am So uninterested. a romantic relationship should do the Opposite of shrink / restrict your world or suddenly make all other relationships less important, much less like, require those things, and also the nuclear family model is a scam pushed by capitalism to cut off people’s support networks / isolate them lmao But Really It Is, social isolation is Not romantic or anything else that is ever positive. and it’d be Whatever if it truly was applied to that very specific moment of “boy it sure is Only Us in this room, :eyes emoji:” buuut it’s not, and it’d be Whatever if evan and zoe’s relationship was Meant to be sort of a misguided mess all around lmao Or just more superficial and casually enjoyable than meant as anything ~deep and Real(tm)~ buuuut it is not........i think canon does sure allow for the fact that things are messy for sure but i think it also definitely wants you to think that like. oh this Relationship was truly great and things were all good in its Core (jk, what core), it’s just that tragically all those complications with connor / tcp got too in the way........yet it was so Essential and ultimately positive that this relationship happen for both of us...........like, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy lmaoooooo @ deh WHAT are your themes, What are either of these character’s arcs meant to be!!!!!!! idk zoe and evan's relationship more felt bizarrely like these two teens were Settling for white picket fence ideals of “well you’re nice and i’m nice and we could kind of tensely continue to be nice indefinitely” like, do you guys even like each other that much, do you Know each other at all, do either of you truly Enjoy being in this relationship??? and then meanwhile you get all the bizarreness re: larry and cynthia’s relationship and how it doesn’t actually improve but uhhh they’re going on dates and they’re not divorced so hey, i’m sure that’s good, you definitely helped them through Mystery Reasons...........and idk it seems like the idea of the Journey that zoe takes is that like, oh it’s Bad that this nice girl has to be mad, somehow dating evan will fix that and she won’t be mad, since being mad can never be a good thing, and Not being mad is always an improvement. like, why is she this cool with evan in the finale. why does she want to tell him she (and everyone) Needed what happened and that she wishes she could date him. deh is of the Mystery genre actually, and so much of it remains unsolved

also Only Us just gets fairly boring like 3 listens in i think. like can we literally pick up the pace a little. up the tempo. get it over with faster. i don’t even know at this point b/c i just choose not to listen to it ever lmfao every time the deh twitter tries to tell me about a cover it’s transphobic b/c i hate it. but i’d put up with it if i didn’t hate the ideas in it meant as ~romance~ and if any of this was tempered by evan and zoe’s relationship being written better and/or Not trying to be wrangled as like, “This Is Good Actually even if some parts aren’t perfect, the point is that evan was right to pin all his hopes on zoe, who’s needed in this show to validate his existence in the finale” like. what is this. and again, capitalism is bad and the nuclear family is Not the base unit of society, and what’s the deal with deh being like “well, as long as larry and cynthia don’t get divorced, right???? we don’t need to know that their relationship actually improved and that cynthia’s at all happier / feels like she has more of an identity or that larry has more fundamental respect for cynthia or thinks he’s not Automatically / Always Right just b/c his life has been fine.....they’re going on dates and aren’t divorced so that’s their Improved Ending!!” like, what’s up with that, right. the relationships that matter are Familial ones and dating the nice girl who has a juxtaposable family, and the other relationships, i.e. with jared and with alana, can evaporate into the ether and maybe get damnatio memoriae’d for as much as their existence plays into the finale. disappear.mp3. i have absolutely zero motivation to experience Only Us again ever lmao and in fact i guess i have negative motivation b/c i Want to avoid it and will take active steps in the sense of like “oh i’m watching deh? let me just skip past all these parts i don’t need to see again, including only us” like. i’m good

tl;dr it annoys me & i do not think it works from Any structural standpoint

#deh #Anonymous

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clansayeed · 4 years

Text

The Interview ― a Bound by Destiny drabble

⥼ Summary ⥽

Nervous, broke, and way under-qualified, Nadya applies for a last-resort secretary job at the illustrious Raines Corp. But a cup of coffee before her interview might just change her life.

note: This piece takes place before the events of the Oblivion Bound series. It takes the events of Bloodbound 1 CH 1 and tailors them specifically to Nadya, and is referenced a handful of times throughout Bound by Destiny.

Happy Birthday Oblivion Bound! On June 29th you turned 1 year old, and I couldn’t be more excited to have so much more of this story to tell. To everyone who has joined me along the way I hope you enjoy this little piece!

check out the fake screencaps for this piece!

word count: 4,902 rating: teen+ content warnings: none find out more: HERE

⥼ MASTERLIST ⥽

[READ IT ON AO3]

In all the articles she read (that morning, which probably wasn’t a good way to start out even the potential of this job) there was a universal agreement that being the last person interviewed was about as bad as being the first.

But none of those stupid articles told her what to do when she finds herself stuck smack-dab in the middle.

She keeps trying to push up her glasses. There’s a half-crescent probably permanently etched into the bridge of her nose by now. Great first impression to make, honestly.

The conference room door opens and everyone tries to play it cool, tries not to look at the face of the woman who exits. They don’t want to get their hopes up. They don’t want to think three hours of waiting is for nothing.

She leaves just like all the others. The next name is called just like all the others. Four seats to her left the young man stands and adjusts his tie. Runs his tongue over his pearly teeth — and closes the pristine wooden doors behind him.

What had Lily said? Something helpful, probably. Though she’s certain now it was probably mixed in with a whole lot of nonsense. Motivational quotes, stress-relief tips that worked on everyone but the chronically anxious. But, much like how she finds herself, there’s one sliver of usefulness among the chaos.

“Caffeine. If you get the jitters just tell them you’re excited to work there! If not… well you’ll have coffee and that’s a gift on its own.”

The last candidate was interviewed for twenty-three minutes. Before her; thirty-one minutes.

So she rationalizes there’s nothing wrong with leaving her clipboard on her seat and rushing to the lobby for a quick java boost. Hadn’t there been a coffee cart right off to the side…?

It’s only fitting that the last of her freehand cash is spent here. If by some miracle she actually gets the job it’ll be something funny to reminisce on after she gets through the first year.

If she gets through the first year.

The middle of the afternoon has come and gone, now. She looks out through the glass walls of the front atrium to see the sky fading into the ombre of evening light. At this rate the interviewer won’t get to her in time, and she’s pretty darn sure this isn’t the type of place to waste a call back on something as trivial as a secretarial position.

It’s New York. Secretaries are a dime a dozen. That much is obvious.

Now comes the hard part — waiting. Trying not to tap her foot on the expensive marble floors and trying not to look back so much she messes up her hair and trying not to chew her lip so hard she walks into her interview with blood on her teeth.

“Are you alright?”

The first words said to her since she arrived; well… apart from “Complete the forms given before your interview. You will be called in by order of arrival” hammered out by the terse blonde interviewer. The first words and they’re kind and she’s definitely thrown more than a little off-kilter by the whole thing.

And coming from the custom-fit Suit she just happened to stand near, too? Well now she’s wary of flying pigs on the evening weather forecast.

It’s hard not to look at him from the ground up; to take in all of him with the money that seeps from his collar and cuffs and the way his tie pin catches the lights overhead. From the way he carries himself the Suit knows all this; he’s accustomed to it.

Only… her appreciation halts at his eyes. Dark brows just shy of knitted together and a shine in his eyes that has nothing to do with fluorescent bulbs and everything to do with… with…

It’s an impossible sensation. One she’s never felt before. Not just hard to describe but literally — she can’t. There aren’t words for a look like that. Open and honest and genuine and…

“Soy latte for Nadya.”

Is she staring? She feels like she’s staring.

The Suit laughs. It’s the shift in his expression that does it — puts her squarely back inside her own head where everything is all a hectic jumble of professional words and an itemized list of accomplishments. Yup, she was staring. If she gets this job she’ll have to rely solely on home-brewed coffee so as to never meet this man again.

“Are you Nadya?”

The burning in her cheeks is in direct contrast to her chosen blush. But Nadya has a feeling he’s the least likely person to notice that, here. The coffee cart barista on the other hand…

It’s hard to stop her hand from trembling as Nadya reaches out for her coffee. Hopefully not enough to notice, certainly not enough to spill anything, but nope nope nope about mission — the Suit noticed. The Suit noticed!

“I’m sorry,” her apology; a compulsion, “I—that was super rude of me. Oh my god, I… probably look like such a weirdo.”

“A bit,” he muses in reply. But he doesn’t seem all too bothered by it? It has the gears in her head turning backwards trying to understand.

“At the risk of sounding vain —”

“—said every vain person ever?”

“Too true; but I digress. You have nothing to be sorry for — it’s not the first time something like that has happened.” He’s on the nose there — between the polished cufflinks and his smile just the same the guy definitely sounds vain.

The first sip of her latte is always the same — tentative, just a quick taste to make sure her stomach isn’t gonna regret it later — but Mr. Vanity doesn’t look away which is a little unnerving to say the least.

“Just nerves then, I assume?”

“Wait — I’m sorry?”

If Nadya had to wonder where any sense of ‘cool and calm’ she might have had went she’s found it here, all soaked up in (probably) Italian loafers. “Just a second ago,” his hands slide into his pockets, “you looked… well I thought you were about to faint.”

Oh. “Right—yeah—nerves,” and he didn’t ask but she rambles when she’s like this so really it’s his fault for starting a conversation, “I’m actually here for a job interview. My first big gig since moving to the city, you know?”

The man nods appraisingly. “I remember the feeling well. But this office is the same as any other on Wall Street, I assure you.”

Yeah, that’s Nadya’s problem.

“I’ve never worked in a place like this. Ever.”

“Ever?”

“Ever ever.”

“Ah,” when he nods not even a hair comes out of place, “‘Ever ever,’ that’s a pretty big deal.”

“The roof over my head literally depends on it, so…” And normally Nadya would take one look at a guy like this and say without a shadow of a doubt that he’s probably never had to worry about that sort of thing. But there’s something about him — something different than the earlier strangeness, but something nonetheless — that tells her he might just take her by surprise.

She really should be getting back to her seat.

But even with every relaxation technique in her arsenal this—right here—this is the best she’s felt about herself all day. So there’s no harm in staying an extra minute or two, right?

The man laughs unprompted and Nadya casts him a curious look. He seems almost bashful about it.

“You just reminded me of my first job, is all.”

“Let me guess — right in this very office but, hm… intern? No, you look more like the humble mail room type.”

His look turns appraising. “Do I really?”

“Do you want the truth?”

“If you have to ask that then perhaps not.” Yet their teasing is as well-meaning as it is spontaneous; enough for him to actually continue, “Actually my first job — well, first paying job that is — was a cobbler. You know, for shoes.”

Oh, Nadya knows. Yeah, in fact she has a funny story pretty similar having to do with a frazzled third-grade substitute teacher and a Bunsen burner. Since it had been, after all, a unit on Colonial America.

But that’s a level of sass they probably haven’t risen to just yet. She just nods instead.

“It was a small business, well—it was a small town. My father knew the owner and one thing led to another. I was pretty nervous on my first day too.”

He’s just trying to help, Nadya reminds herself. However strange and probably untrue his story may be, there’s no denying his sincerity. Just a successful man talking to a not-even-secretary trying to show a little empathy. Frankly Nadya isn’t sure she wouldn’t be doing the same thing were the roles reversed.

That’s just what kind people did for others. The world would be a better place if everyone was like that.

The cart barista doesn’t even get the chance to put down the drink fully when he’s reaching for it. Some people just need their java — Nadya can totally relate. But she swears the Suit winks at the girl. Though it could definitely just be a trick of the light.

Nadya’s all prepared for the “this was nice but we’ll never cross paths again” sort of goodbye when he returns.

Instead he throws her for a loop and places his cup at one of the two little silver tables that serve as the cart’s cafe. He pulls out a chair with a smile her way — is that supposed to be meant for her?

He catches onto her surprise quickly. “I hope you don’t think me too forward. I was just enjoying our chat and thought… why leave it there?”

Uhm, because you’re a man with a salary high enough to look the way you do? “Oh — I mean its… that’s really sweet of you but I should be…” she throws a look in the direction of the conference room, “getting back. Being late for the interview doesn’t seem like the best impression to make.”

The man laughs; some joke Nadya isn’t privy to. “If that’s all you’re worried about — don’t be. She actually gets a kick out of drilling people in there.”

Her resolve crumples at his hopeful smile. “And I’ll vouch for you.” Oh look she’s already sitting down.

“Well if we’re actually doing this, how about a name?” She tries to look at his cup but can’t quite catch it. If she didn’t know any better Nadya would say he actually turned it away while taking a sip.

“My name is Adrian. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Nadya.”

“Same to you, Adrian.”

Nadya discovers very quickly that this isn’t just about enjoying a chat. Judging by the looks they get — though Nadya could easily be chopped liver — and the curt nods here and there, it’s obvious Adrian is pretty important. He’s just using her to play hooky.

Which only earns him points in her book.

So does the way he props his elbow on the tabletop to rest his chin on an open palm. “So I have to ask you, Nadya, if I may of course.”

“Ask away.”

“If you’ve never ever worked in a corporate setting before — why now? This isn’t the kind of job one finds in the Classifieds.”

A fair question. She laughs softly. “Is it bad if I say I don’t really know? Oh god, it probably is.”

“I wouldn’t say bad, but the hiring interviewer will probably ask something along the same lines.”

“You’ve… got a good point there. Okay,” she makes a little show of sitting up straighter and pushing her glasses all the way up until she knows there’s little red dots between her eyes; Adrian’s smile is totally worth it.

“So the salary’s good but I’m sure you know a little bit about that.”

He chuckles. “A little bit, yes.”

“And threat-of-eviction aside; I caught the listing on one of those random alumni emails from my college. You know — the ones where they make it out like they’re trying to help you succeed but they’re really used to find grads with the biggest paychecks to hound them for donations.

“It definitely wasn’t my first choice. I don’t think I have to tell you that I’m pretty out of my element.” She pauses when Adrian’s brow creases just the smallest bit.

“What would you say is your element then?”

“That’s just it. I’ve got absolutely no clue. I figured I could do the basic job okay — I actually enjoy putting schedules and things together and the rest — all the business-y parts — I hoped I could just kinda pick up along the way. Do I think this is going to be my calling? No idea, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t put all my effort into the work.

“But you can’t find something without trying, you know? I trust my gut and… figure I’ll know what I’m looking for when I see it.”

Because Nadya had done herself the disservice of not trusting her gut when she first moved out here. Get a part-time job or two to pay the bills and loans, she figured, and just keep looking for that perfect one.

Yeah. That had gone over well.

Interview after interview — all with the same depressing result: the cheery false-apology letter and some variation of “we thank you for your interest but we will be continuing to pursue other candidates.”

Adrian is polite and attentive the whole time, too. Even when she gets to the unnecessary descriptions of Lily’s cheer-up dinners. Nadya knows she has a tendency to ramble when she’s nervous — but every time she apologizes he smiles and shakes his head; tells her “no apologies necessary, please go on,” and sometimes follows up with a thoughtful question or consideration that could only come from someone actually genuinely taking part in the conversation.

He’s kind. She’s surprised to find that in a place like this but he is. And before long Nadya finds herself wondering why she was ever nervous at all. Too bad he isn’t the one interviewing, she thinks, I might actually have a chance.

“That’s…” Adrian leans back in his seat with a forced exhale, “that’s quite a story.”

She knows where this always goes. “I knew it; way too much sharing. I was hoping to try and put a positive spin on it — for the position, I mean. Answering phones, scheduling meetings, that kind of stuff. I’m sor—”

“Nadya, please don’t apologize again. You don’t need to.” Then he reaches over and has a hand over hers and he’s cold, like weirdly as cold as the atrium itself, or maybe she’s just too darn flush from embarrassing herself. “Never apologize for the things that make you you. And give yourself a bit of credit, while you’re at it. I’ve lived and worked here for a long time and I’ve seen a lot of people settle for less. Even people like yourself.”

“English majors who have no business in Business?”

“People who don’t quite know what they want out of life. You’re young, Nadya —” which is rich coming from him, he can’t be more than thirty, “— you don’t have to have it all planned out right this second. You’ll miss out on too much if you try.”

Adrian’s words leave her speechless. She makes a mental note to let him know just how rare that is later on. Not just because he could be an awesome life coach but because there’s no doubt in Nadya’s mind that he means every single word.

No, Adrian can’t be more than thirty. But when she fixes her glasses and looks him in the eyes he looks like he’s a hundred years old. Wistful and wanting and wise all at the same time. Nadya’s left feeling so small and so very very young when he takes his hand back.

Nadya tries to recover her composure behind the last bit of her latte but is left wanting; nothing but soy gone cold and somehow tasting of the bottom of the paper cup. He watches her thoughtfully all the while; even when she gestures to his empty cup and gets a nod in thanks when she drops them both in the nearest recycling bin.

She hasn’t even sat back down when Adrian abruptly asks; “May I see your resume?” And there’s no reason why not so she reaches down—

And remembers with absolute horror that her resume is on the clipboard. at her seat. in her spot in line. back where the interviews are.

“Son of a biscuit.” Well, there’s no use in rushing over there now. Even the cart barista has left for the evening long since arrived. Nadya looks around and takes in the practically empty lobby with a sinking pit in her stomach and a new story of failures to add to her list.

Somehow “I didn’t get the job because a really nice, sweet, very-much-employed guy made me miss my interview” probably isn’t going to go over well with the landlord.

But she isn’t the only victim — if it’s any consolation. It isn’t. Adrian looks around with a “huh,” of pleasant surprise and checks his watch. “Well Kamilah’s going to kill me,” because to him this is something worth joking about, apparently, “but what else is new.”

“I should go.” I need to go. But she just slumps a little deeper into her seat.

He looks at her sympathetic; good, he should feel bad, she wants to say but he doesn’t deserve that kind of spite. She shouldn’t have left the line.

“Could I ask just one more question before you go?”

Nadya can’t help but want to start asking her own questions. Ones like why is he asking all these questions, why does he care, does this mean she can still ask him to vouch for her; all that jazz. She doesn’t though.

“Why did you move to New York?”

From the look on his face Adrian can tell he’s caught her off guard. “I just mean — like I said, Nadya, I’ve lived here for a long time. Met all sorts of different people with all sorts of different lives and histories and reasons of their own. Sometimes I think I’ve heard just about every reason you can imagine.” But even though he tries to laugh it off he definitely meant it, and he’s definitely interested in the answer.

“And…” she splutters a bewildered laugh, “and what, you think I’ll have a new one?”

He shrugs. “Maybe not new, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be interesting.”

“It’s not some heart-wrenching story —”

“That’s okay.”

But he’s serious. It takes Nadya a minute to fully believe him but he is, and she does. Hope you didn’t get your hopes up too much.

“I was really scared when I graduated from college. School was… my whole life up until right then. And now people were expecting all these things from me and… and I’d never done any of them before. Suddenly I was facing the rest of my life and I was starting it terrified. But I still had to do it; scared or not.

“So I figured it wasn’t a bad idea to try and get all the things I was scared of out of the way then. It seems stupid now…”

“Not at all.” Nadya looks up when she realizes she’s been focused on her hands in her lap and Adrian’s looking at her like he’s breathless. It’s weird, not gonna lie a little bit of a confidence booster, but also… well, scary. In its own way.

“And I’ve got this really bad habit of being stubborn, even to myself, so I just… said go big or go home. No place I can think of bigger and scarier than New York.”

For a second she thinks he’s laughing at her for being such a terrible cliche. But… he’s not. It’s just a laugh. What else do you do when you’re happy?

“Are you still scared here?”

“Every day,” but Nadya shrugs it off; just like she has for months now, “and one day I won’t be. Dunno when, or how, but I won’t be. So I should probably stick it out until then.”

“I’d like to see that day.” You and me both.

But if he’s gonna sit there and be all charming and intellectual and weirdly invested in her personal life journey then she can too. “What about you,” Nadya asks with just a teensy bit of cheek; which has Adrian laughing again but now she’s into the joke so let her roll with it, “wait — lemme guess — all the cobbler jobs were taken so you figured a fancy tech corporation was the next best thing?”

“Actually,” somehow his one question has turned into… well into this but he’s nice and this building is nice and why not, Nadya? “That’s an interesting story. My father took me to the city when I was old enough to help with my share of the work, you see, and —”

“Adrian! Where the hell have you been all afternoon?”

Every clack of her heels is like an ice pick to the tiles — Nadya’s glad she’s not the only one who flinches at the sound. Or maybe it’s the shrillness of the voice the shoes must belong to. She knows that voice, actually—

Because her life is a living nightmare Nadya looks over Adrian’s shoulder to see the woman from the hiring interviews marching towards the pair of them; face flushed and a stack of clipboards in hand and oh god how awful would it be to ask to steal her resume back because printing them out at the library is such a chore?

Nadya shrinks in her seat and prays not to be recognized — but Adrian seems used to such outbursts. He throws Nadya a reassuring smile (which totally works, not that Scary Interviewer would give her a chance to thank him) before turning in his seat to greet her face to face.

“Nice to see you too, Nicole.”

Nicole gives a long-suffering sigh and ignores Nadya’s presence entirely. She’s totally cool with that. “That doesn’t answer my question. I finished with interviews over an hour ago — and what did I return to?”

“I don’t know. But I’m sure you’ll tell me.”

“Three missed calls from Ahmanet, no signature on the Volenti files, and you still haven’t decided on which of the Red Site projects you want to endorse at next year’s conference. Which you should have decided a week ago.”

Adrian has the patience of a saint. Which comes as no surprise since he did just listen to Nadya’s ramblings for more than an hour for sure. He lets the woman get everything out of her system without even so much as a tick of the brow.

And has the dumb idea of gesturing to Nadya as a reply. “Nicole, have you met Nadya?”

She double-takes with the same concern she might give a leaf on the wind. “Miss Sayeed wants to move the meeting to her offices for the inconvenience.”

“Nadya was one of the applicants from earlier today.”

Okay — that works. Not that Nicole looks at her, now fully even in disdain, with anything remotely close to respect. She sweeps her eyes over Nadya; held frozen by the spite in her steely stare.

“I remember you. The Walk Out.”

Is it hot in here or is she losing her nerve? “Well — actually I —”

Nicole cuts her off. “You walked out, did you not?”

“I went to grab a coffee.”

“Oh, well that changes things.”

“Wait—really?” Dumb move.

“Of course it doesn’t.”

Adrian clears his throat politely for their attention. “Nicole — I’m sorry for setting your schedule back.” She nods, though it doesn’t seem much like she’s accepted the apology. “I’ll worry about Kamilah, and the other things won’t take me more than an hour. I do have one favor to ask.”

It occurs to Nadya then that Nicole, who very much wants to say no—that’s obvious, can’t. Which is just weird since she doesn’t seem like the kind of woman who does favors for anyone.

“Yes, Mister Raines?”

Forget tomato red. All of the color drains out of Nadya’s face at once. And the reassuring smile Adrian tries to offer doesn’t do a darn thing.

Mister Who-Now?

“If you could go ahead and cancel tomorrow’s interviews I’d appreciate it. Tell them that particular position has been filled but they’re free to reapply for something similar under one of the division heads, maybe?”

“Why in the world would I —” If looks could kill Nicole would most certainly have sent her six feet under. “No.” Though this time Nadya has to agree. Probably the only thing they would agree on ever in the history of all time.

“No way.”

But Adrian just beams. “I just came down here to stretch my legs and grab a coffee. I had planned on sticking my head in for one or two of your interviews, Nicole, but —”

“We agreed it was best I handle filling the position, sir.” She grinds the word out but, to her credit, Nicole’s face is never less than cool and collected. “You haven’t seen her resume, you have no idea if she’s even qualified.”

“You’re half right,” he replies, “but I’m sure if she didn’t have some idea of what the secretary position requires she wouldn’t have even made it to the interviews, right? The rest of it, all that ‘business-y stuff’ I’m sure she can pick up along the way.”

Oh that’s not cool. Not cool at all. Playing Undercover Boss and then using her own words against her? Wait — why isn’t it cool? Why isn’t she jumping for joy and already trying to convince Lily not to spend money they don’t yet have on pizza?

Maybe because it feels a little underhanded? By some random luck she ends up talking with Adrian Raines, CEO of Raines Corp over coffee and suddenly she gets the job over a bunch of way more qualified people?

But this is what she wanted. It’s the job. So why…

Oh.

Nadya’s here for the interview but she knows there are people who want this job and have the experience to boot. Nadya’s trying to refuse the job she needs because that would mean something went right, and things going right never ends well.

She’s scared.

The loudness of Nicole’s departure startles Nadya out of her self-realization. She glances up and Adrian is still sitting there, albeit a little more humble than he looked just a moment ago. He has the decency to seem apologetic.

“I’m sorry I didn’t introduce myself fully.”

“Why didn’t you?” Now it’s Nadya’s turn for questions.

Adrian shrugs. “These days Nicole is the only person who’s ever really honest with me here. Imagine her trying to hold back her opinion on something.”

“I can’t.”

“Exactly. But everyone else, even my own employees, they aren’t. Not entirely. I’ll admit, Nadya, when you didn’t know who I was, I saw a chance to allow myself a little sincerity. To be genuine with someone.”

Joke’s on you, she thinks wryly, I would have been this much of a mess anyway.

Still; it doesn’t sit right with her. “But don’t you realize that because you did that you weren’t sincere with me?” And how could she work for someone who wasn’t honest with her? Who didn’t allow her that basic decency?

“I do now. And I understand if that keeps you from accepting the job. I didn’t sit down with you to interview you in secret, though, please know that.” And because he knows her question before she even opens her mouth; “You were on your own, nervous, and I wanted to help — if I could. I was telling the truth when I said you reminded me of myself.

“I say that because I think, if you were in my position, maybe you would have done the same thing.”

I wouldn’t have lied, though it’s a bitter thought — and was lying by omission technically lying? Especially if it’s for everyone’s greater good?

Man her head hurts.

“Nadya…?”

She inhales with all of her might and nods. “One more question.” Which makes him smile — he appreciates the symmetry of it.

“Go ahead.”

“What made you decide to offer the job to me?”

There’s a little bit of pride in Nadya when he doesn’t have an answer right away. Adrian takes his time and really seems to mull it over — or if he’s doing it for show he’s extremely convincing.

“I didn’t know what I was looking for until I saw it.”

Nadya can’t not roll her eyes. She can’t not smile though, either.

Finally Adrian stands and nods towards the sleek elevators at the far end of the lobby. “Should we go ahead and get the paperwork started? I can show you your desk, we’ll set up your number in the system — all quick things, really.”

It’s awfully assumptive of him, but she is standing and grabbing her purse so… is it?

“Bold of you to assume I’ve accepted the job, Mister Raines.”

“Please, call me Adrian.”

#bloodbound fanfiction #bloodbound #adrian raines #playchoices #playchoices fanfiction #bloodbound mc #mc: nadya al jamil #fic: oblivion bound #oblv: drabble #; my fics

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killmvnger · 6 years

Text

I’ll Be Around (Part 2)

Killmonger/Black!Reader

Warning: Minor sexual tension. (It’s a build-up, guys)

Summary: You’re trapped in an impossible situation with an even more impossible man.

You put on a brave front for your lunatic hitman, one that you were positive he could see right through, but it was there nevertheless. You had stood your ground, jut your chin out, and easily declared that you'd assist him in murdering your ex-boyfriend. It was all very theatrical and forthcoming, like a movie scene, like you were outside of your own body watching yourself agree to his terms and fall prey to the satisfied glow in his eyes. Only when his hands had left your body could you breathe properly again, appreciating the air flowing into your lungs more than you ever have in your life.

You were surprised that he allowed you to entice him into keeping you by his side. It doesn't seem exactly customary for killers to involve others into their devious plans, but for some reason, Killmonger was taken with you. And, sure, at first it felt like this grand accomplishment that you'd charmed your way into surviving, but now everything hurts.

Now, you can feel yourself unraveling. Your hands tremble as you stuff your backpack with whatever item of clothing is closest to you, rolling and stuffing anything that you deemed essential in your overwhelmed mind. Killmonger sat quietly on your bed, almost eerily so, watching as you jammed t-shirts into your bag and tried not to break down in tears. He told you to get whatever you needed temporarily since you were, without a doubt, going back to wherever he stays. It couldn't possibly be worse than whatever you had already pictured in your mind, but you went a bit rampant with overpacking, regardless.

He watched your every move carefully, no doubt recalling your little headbutt stunt earlier, probably waiting for you to say 'sike' and try to make another run for it. The bruise forming on your forehead and throbbing ache in your lower back was enough to keep your impulse levels as low as possible. He gave you a lot of chances to survive, you would have to be a real idiot to go against him again.

Devastatingly, it's looking like you're stuck with him for, quite literally, the rest of your life. Maybe that realization is why your hands can't stop shaking and why you keep forcing down tears. You probably won't see your family again, or your friends, or even your annoying neighbors.

You wished there was background noise to keep you the slightest bit sane - some construction work nearby, the beeping of a garbage truck, music blasting from a house party. The silence was what you couldn't take. Knowing that you couldn't anticipate his next move was daunting. He preferred to watch you struggle with your simple task than to help, eyeing you without losing focus, like he was deep in thought on something. Once your backpack was filled to the brim with random clothes and zipped shut, you turned back around to him.

Killmonger tilts his head. "You ain't getting dressed?" He asks. You look down at your half-naked body and blush. With all the speak of murdering and impending death, you'd rightfully so forgotten that you were still in your bralette and shorts. You caught Killmonger's eyes drifting down to your legs, deliberate in his idle viewing of your exposed skin.

"Can you give me a minute?" You ask. His gaze has yet to drift from your legs, so you shift from foot to foot feeling awkward.

"Leave you in here alone? Nah. You said that you'd stick by my side, this is apart of that package."

"Can you, at least, close your eyes?" You beg more than question. Small things about him disturbed you, like the jeering smirk settled on his face as he blatantly checked you out. This was not the kind of guy you could innocently get undressed in front of, not without a crude remark or suggestive comment. He's already made himself quite clear about his sexual drive, though. If he wanted to, he would've already done something. You exhale nervously, awaiting his response.

He rolls his eyes back dramatically before making a big show out of covering his eyes with the side of his gun. "Hurry up." He demands. It's an amusing sight, him foolishly hiding his eyes behind a gun, and if you weren't a stressed, terrified mess you'd probably laugh. Instead, you quickly threw a thin t-shirt over your bralette, jumped out of your pajama bottoms and shimmied on some jean shorts. Your eyes were hesitant to leave Killmonger as you changed, so you were pleasantly surprised to realize that he didn't try and sneak a peek. You feel more comfortable as you jam your feet into your slides.

"Done." You whisper. He moves his gun away and looks down at your new outfit with clear disdain. If he wants to comment, he doesn't, instead he stands up and nods at you.

"Don't even think about getting brave once we step outside." He says like he knows for sure that you'll try and run away. You roll your eyes.

"I'm always brave. I'm not stupid." You clarify.

He hums and nods his approval of your response. "I like that." He responds. His words make your insides twist and thud in a sickening delight and you turn your face down to your feet to avoid his insistent gaze.

He escorts you out of your home, his hand pressed on your lower back as you walk out of the front door. It's an awful feeling, not being shrouded in the darkness around Killmonger, but placed in an orange ray of fluorescent light. The streetlamp and moon combination gave you such a spotlight, more exposed than you could ever feel undressing in front of him, like he could see every bit of you that you tried to hide in the darkness. And you could see him. Really see him. You glanced over all the tiny things that you missed, like his muscle definition showing through his sleeves, his usually free dreads braided to the back of his head, and the unfairly even tone of his brown skin. You had to admit that, despite his shortcomings (you know, like murdering people), he was extremely fit and handsome, definitely the kind of guy you'd go for in any other situation. You're checking him out, you realize in horror. Quickly, you turn away and look towards where he's pushing you towards instead.

The motorcycle is all black and not very distinct, which you guess makes sense given his line of work. Nevertheless, it's something that you could only ever dream of riding. You tighten your backpack around your shoulders, messing with the straps far more than one should, a nervous tick you had picked up in high school. Killmonger steps in front of you towards the bike and leans against it, crossing his legs casually as he addresses you once again. You look around, anxious, hoping that someone could identify you from the street, but no one appeared to be wandering the neighborhood at this time of night. It felt like you two were the only people on Earth, just the sounds of your heavy breathing and anxious toe-tapping filling the silence of the night. He motioned for you to come closer, so you did, standing almost toe to toe with him.

"Does the name ‘Ian’ mean anything to you?" He asks, catching you off guard. Your eyes must reveal everything he needed to know because he's nodding the next second as if you'd given him a definite answer. "How well did you know him?" He follows his question up.

"Uh. Pretty...well?" You stutter out, unsure if you should disclose on your relationship to someone with a killer. He smirks at the uncertainty wavering in your voice, then nods.

"Thought so."

"He's not caught up in all this, is he?" You ask, concerned.

You've known Ian for the most part of your relationship and he's always been a nice guy, no one you'd ever suspect to be involved in any shady bullshit. Ian would come over and help you clean, even if you didn't ask, making lighthearted small talk and sharing embarrassing stories about your boyfriend. He was your ex's best friend, but also the nicest guy you've ever met. Someone you've come to trust. But, who could you really trust these days?

Killmonger chuckles at your bewildered expression.

"Don't worry about that. We're just gonna pay him a quick visit, okay?" He asks, tone slightly darker than before. You clench your teeth and nod. "You don't speak to him. Got that?" He asks and you nod again.

"Okay. Can I, at least, know what you plan on doing?" You ask. You hadn't seen Ian since the break-up, obviously, but he'd sometimes send you memes about missing you and link you to whatever new music he thought you'd like, which was sadly more than your ex could even do. You liked to think that Ian was just as much your friend as he was your ex's, and at the end of it all, he took Ian with him (as well as the air conditioner) and you were left lonely. You tried to recall that last time you'd been in the same room together.

You were drunk and rambling to him about how bad your relationship was, which usually wasn't something you would tell Ian about, but you were desperate and needed someone to talk to about your problems. You didn't have any super close friends that would immediately come to your aid in a crisis, mostly work colleagues that you passed time with gossiping over meaningless celebrity drama with. You used Ian's t-shirt as a tissue for your tears and, God bless him, he sat there and let you ruin his clothes without any complaints. Well, maybe there was one complaint.

"You know, this was my favorite shirt." He muttered while patting your head. You sat up, embarrassed, and wiped your face with your hands instead. You stared at Ian through puffy eyes and started sputtering all kinds of apologies, which he waved away to pull you back into his favorite shirt. "It's okay, you need it more than I do." He reasoned with a soft chuckle.

"Your friend sucks. You know that, right?" You mumbled into his shirt. He sighed deeply, like he was reflecting on how true that statement really was, then shrugged.

"I know." He said. You pushed away from him, suddenly feeling anger boil inside of you. Ian's dark green eyes widened at your actions and he backed up a little bit.

"Then, why? Why do you put up with him? I mean, you came all the way over here to be with him and he's not even here, he's almost never here! Instead, you find me here looking like this," you gesture to your running mascara and puffy face. "And you just go along with it? C'mon, you can't be this nice. What's wrong with you?" You questioned in an accusatory voice. Ian raised his brows in amusement.

"Should I have left you here alone to drink yourself into a coma and drown in your own tears?" He asked, teasing. You rolled your eyes.

"Yes! I would leave me!"

"You're an idiot."

You scoffed, feeling more tears bubble up. "Way to kick me while I'm down."

"No, idiot, that's not how I meant it. I mean...obviously, I came here to see you. We're friends, you know." He clarified for you and it took your drunken mind more than five seconds to comprehend his words. Then, the tears came back.

"Do you need my shirt again?"

You nodded and jumped back into him. He let out an 'oof' at the impact.

"Come on, we'll get you some water and then watch that stupid movie you like."

He never did answer why he was still friends with your ex, but you were too preoccupied with watching one of your favorite movies to even realize it. Ian's comforting presence cheered you up from your entire breakdown ordeal. He tolerated you reciting almost every line to your favorite movies and helped you make dinner to keep your mind off certain things. If anything was real about your relationship with your ex, it was your relationship with his friend. You glare at Killmonger, wondering what exactly he planned on doing with Ian.

"Don't worry about it." Is all he says. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth. He moves to straddle his bike, pushing the kickstand back with his boot and turning it on. The motorcycle rumbles alive enough to startle you, then settles into a loud purring noise. "Come on."

You hesitate, but eventually, suck up your pride and hop over the back of his growling motorcycle. You straddle the bike behind him, the vibration of the engine shocking you, and hesitantly place your hands on either side of him. You set your feet on the little handles beneath you, but you wonder if your slides are the best shoes for this ride. Before he takes off, he forces your arms to wrap around his midsection.

"You scared to touch me or somethin'? You better fucking hold on." He tells you as he revs the engine and speeds off.

The swiftness at which he took off with catches you off guard and you arms subconsciously tighten around him as you bury your face into his back to protect against the harsh wind. It feels like you're soaring through time and space, clinging to Death, becoming more and more desensitized as the ride progresses. It's initially terrifying, sure, accelerating through empty streets, swerving and making unnecessarily sharp turns. But was it wrong for you to begin to enjoy the feeling of it? You lift your squished face from his back and flutter your eyes open. It almost didn't matter because you all you could really make out were large blurs of lights amidst dark streets.

Killmonger has no respect for streetlights, you notice that right off the bat. Every move he makes is like a spit in the face to the rules of the road, borderline fatal and seriously deranged, but he's not checked for it or even followed. The ride gives you an anxiety like you've never felt before, like you were rising towards the top of a rollercoaster and had no idea when you'd drop. Your quiet squealing had Killmonger laughing to himself, you could feel the vibrations from the laughter through his chest, but it couldn't distract you from your inner crisis. Needless to say, you're at the maximum stressed you've ever been in your life.

And yet, it's the most thrilling, exciting, riveting thing to ever happen to you.

You're so frazzled that you barely noticed the direction he was going, and it definitely wasn't to Ian's house, which you knew for a fact was in the other direction.

When the bike comes to a stop, you're both relieved and disappointed. You're frozen in place, arms still wrapped around Killmonger's stomach despite being parked.

"Baby, you gotta ease up." He says. You slide your arms back to yourself, embarrassed. He looks back at you with a smirk. "You liked that." He says as more of an accusation than a question. You huff and push back, jumping from the high of the motorcycle to the pavement. He follows you.

"If you're implying that I enjoyed that near-death experience, you really are insane." You mutter under your breath. He chuckles at you again, then grabs at the back of your neck, pushing you forward with him to the sidewalk. You trip over your feet only slightly trying to keep up with his long strides and search around frantically for anything familiar. You've only visited Ian a few times in the past, but you knew for sure that this neighborhood was not his. Ian lived in an apartment, not a house, and definitely not such a nice house. The house Killmonger was pushing you towards wasn't extravagant, actually looking pretty lowkey, but it surely wasn't anything Ian would ever own.

But, what would you know?

That is Ian's blue Nissan in the driveway. Maybe he moved.

Killmonger doesn't take his hand from your neck until you've stopped in front of the door. His knocking has enough power to knock down the whole damn door, you're sure of that. You stand there, unsure of everything. Questioning everything. Praying that he wouldn't put his hands on your friend. The door whips open.

His unforgettable green eyes shift to you first, softening from the anger he must have felt at the loud banging. He takes you in looking both surprised, worried, and anxious. His eyes flicker to Killmonger and it's like something clicks in his mind. You watch it all with horror, his recognition and deductive reasoning working overtime, and for a second you believe that he's going to try and save you from him or run away or something else equally as idiotic. However, he just sighs like he's tired and rubs his forehead. You squint, confused, then glance back to Killmonger.

"Look what I got," Killmonger boasts, referring to you like some meaningless object, then pushes you through the doorway and into Ian's body. You stumble into his arms and instantly feel better once you're in his embrace. But that doesn't last long because Killmonger's words are registering through your brain. "She's more valuable alive than dead. Don't let her leave." He orders, pushing past the two of you.

You push away from Ian. He moves to slam the door shut.

"Is this a fucking joke?"

"What did I say about talking to him?" Killmonger reminds you. You groan your frustration and glare daggers at Ian. He's frowning, trying to avoid your eyes. No matter how hard you're staring at him, he ignores you to look over at Killmonger.

"I told you to leave her out of it," Ian begins. "I had it under control." He says coolly, in a detached voice you'd never suspect he had. It almost brings tears to your eyes to witness someone so different than who you thought you knew, associating with the man who almost killed you.

"You ain't have shit under control! This bitch had it more under control than you, nigga.!" He yelled, letting the anger show in his voice finally. Ian rolled his eyes. You wanted to reach out and kill him with your bare hands and that must've looked obvious. Killmonger's eyes snapped to yours. "Get over here, now." He orders you.

Before you could take a step forward, Ian's hand snaps out in front of you to hold you back. Disgusted, you push his hand away from you. It was childish, but you were so angry at him, angry at the lying and apparent fake relationship you had. You thought he was the only real one that was there for you, all to find out that he's behind all this nonsense.

"Don't fucking touch me, Ian." You spit out through clenched teeth as you continue walking over to Killmonger. The hardwood floors creaked with every step you took, and it was the small details like that that you tried to focus on to refrain from punching Ian in the face. "Shit! I knew you were too fucking nice. Did you lie about everything? Was any of it real?"

Killmonger sighs but lets you ramble.

"Not now, [Y/N]," Ian says while pulling a torn sheet of paper from his pocket. He waves it in the air. "I got the locations of those operative leaders. Hacked a few security cameras. This is all I got for right now." He hands the flimsy paper to Killmonger who takes it eagerly.

"Man, finally." He smiles, stuffing the paper into his pants pocket.

"Not now? Then fucking when? When I'm dead? Motherfucker." You find yourself still talking to him. Ian finally looks you in the eyes.

"Shut. The fuck. Up." He says.

You lunge at him, hellbent on clawing his eyes out, but two strong arms wrap around your midsection to keep you back. You struggle against him, jumping and reaching out towards Ian - who, honest to God, looked bored - as much as you possibly could.

"Make me, you lying ass bitch!" You shout. Ian's cold exterior cracks just a little bit at that. "You think I'm fucking scared of you? Killmonger, please, let me fuck him up!"

Killmonger's finding an obvious enjoyment in your recklessness like he usually does. He begins walking backward, dragging you along in his arms away from Ian. "Maybe later. You need to calm down. Come on, let's sit you down." He assists you through Ian's home, but it all blurs for you through your teary eyes. He takes you down a flight of stairs as you're wiping vigorously at you eyes, trying to hide the fact that you actually care about Ian.

You figure out a little too late that 'sit you down' actually meant 'tie you down in a dark basement'. Your wrists are tied together with zip ties around a wooden chair that could stand to be more comfortable. There's nothing in the basement but chairs, tarp, and guns. The tarp covering the floors almost alarm you, but you have a feeling you know who it's for. As for the guns, they were covering a large portion of the walls but looked like they could easily be covered up with a few picture frames.

"I'll be back later."

"Isn't this a little much, though? I'm not gonna run." You refer to the ties holding your wrists together. He shrugs.

"Running, escaping, fucking up my partner...it covers everything." He explains before walking back upstairs, leaving you by yourself.

Partner. You scoff.

He didn't exactly specify when he'd be coming back, but you hoped it'd be quick. Being around Ian for too long might invoke some nostalgia that you just didn't want to feel.

Partner?

Ian once asked you to kill a spider for him. He hid behind you as you watched The Conjuring. You've watched Ian argue over children shows and bake pastries and dance to mainstream pop music.

You're so lost in the memories that you barely notice the footsteps descending towards you.

"I'm sorry," Ian's voice startles you. You look up to see him leaning against the steps, arms crossed over his chest. You don't say anything. "This all...looks pretty bad," Understatement of the year. "But I never lied to you."

"Yes, you did." You say. It's that simple. He steps closer to you, into your space so that you could make out his sharp jawline and persistent eyes, that golden brown skin you've always appreciated.

"Okay. Fuck. I had to lie about some things. I had to."

"I'm over it. Leave me alone." You glower. He sighs with a defeated expression on his face.

"I never wanted this to happen to you. I tried to keep you safe. I don't care what the fuck you think about me, I'll always try and keep you safe."

You gulp down the burning sensation crawling up your throat.

"Shout for me if you want some water or something..." He murmurs. As he turns back towards the staircase, you let the tear fall down your face. He leaves you alone with your destructive thoughts.

You don't know how long you're waiting for Killmonger to get back, but never once do you shout for Ian to bring you anything. Regardless, he comes back downstairs with a water bottle and holds it up to your mouth for you to drink. He ends up staying in the basement with you, sitting on the floor a few feet away from you, not speaking. The silence is deafening. It gives you time to understand his side of the story better, to reflect on his wrongs and figure out which parts he had to fake. He told Killmonger that he didn't want you to be involved, so he's not lying to you about caring about you. His only goal was probably to infiltrate your ex's life and get more information on him, but you were inevitably in the mix. You look down to where he's staring off into nothing.

"The first time you took me to the beach. Real or fake?" You ask. Ian looks up, surprised.

"Fake. I had to get you out of the house. We were looking through his stuff." He says. You nod.

"Our movie marathons?"

"Real." He smiles.

"That time we went shopping and you knocked over that mannequin display and made me run from mall cops for two blocks?"

"Painfully real." He winces at the memory. A tiny smile tugs at your mouth.

"Oh, so you're naturally that clumsy and embarrassing?"

"Yep. But only my real friends know that." He says fondly. You manage to crack a smile despite this fucked up situation. Above all, you still have someone on your side. It sucks, but his criminal background doesn't matter anymore. He's your friend, always has been.

"I guess I've felt like you weren't really His best friend. Especially, when you got drunk and tried to kiss me." You mention with a smirk. Ian groans and shakes his head.

"I wasn't trying to kiss you. I told you, you had something on your face!"

"And you thought to remove it with your lips? Makes sense." You quip. He rolls his eyes but smiles nonetheless.

"Fuck you." He teases and it feels semi-normal between you again. You were scared to find out what he was doing working with Killmonger, so you avoided that subject altogether and continued on going down memory lane to calm your nerves. That's how you spend the next couple hours or so, discussing the real from the fake and cracking inside jokes when the conversation started getting too real. The door slamming upstairs is the only indication you get that Killmonger is back.

You look from Ian to the top of the basement steps. He bursts through with a pissed off expression, droplets of what looks to be blood splattered on his face. Your eyes widen.

"Ian, get her the fuck up. We're leaving."

"What happened?" Ian asks as he moves around to cut the zip ties off your wrists.

"Fuck it look like happened, nigga. I took care of it."

You shake your hands and rub at the angry red lines on your wrists once you're free.

"It's late, she can just stay here with me," Ian suggests. Killmonger looks him up and down, then scoffs.

"Definitely not. C'mon, let's go." He doesn't even wait to check if you're following behind, he just expects it and climbs back up the stairs. You turn and give Ian an apologetic look.

"I know, I know. I'll check in on you, I promise. Go."

You nod and run off after Killmonger.

(idk what’s going on in here on this day sklsjklsjkls, but yay I updated something)

@panthergoddessbast @misspooh @shesfromwakanda @thehomierobbstark @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @muse-of-mbaku @hearteyes-for-killmonger @myboyfriendgiriboy @naturallyqueenie @sicksadgen @sweettea-and-honeybutter @wawakanda-btch @curls-and-crosses @lola-spades @killmongerdispussy @wikiwakanda @keepsitonehunned @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @cocoaflowerrs @eriknutinthispoosy @zhane529 @lunaerly @cockyboysandsugarism @vanitykocaine @ambthegamer @palmsofgranate @thadelightfulone @bossyboyd03 (sorry if I forgot anyone, I love you all, thanks for the support)

#black panther fanfiction #erik killmonger #erik killmonger x reader #erik killmonger x black reader #erik killmonger x you #i'll be around

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inhalareexhalare · 5 years

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To Isla:

really?

2018-11-20 18:52 Philippines Tuesday

We finally got ourselves a whiteboardddd!!!

Meet Amoosed. An inspiration from Nynaeve’s gift to me.

Divad came by and I thought I'd try better his time. Theodore is on his way and Job is probably late.

I asked for a light alcoholic drink, something that my system can properly deal with without losing to the poison enough for symptoms to surface.

But then as we all got back up to the room gleefully complete with drinks and chips, I impulsively pushed my drink sideways as if it were a relatively level and flat object you can pass forward by sliding it across the floor. I know common sense said no but I did it and as expected it broke.

Karu got so frustrated and stressed because it's the same room he works out at. Meaning full physical contact with potentially infectious tiny glass shards.

I successfully kept my cool and went on joyfully, telling him everything's okay and he should just relax on his seat and Divad and I will deal with the cleaning. The stressed should not work or they'll be even more stressed.

Unfortunately my meager calm could not overpower his frustration, and my human instinct of psychological mimicry led me to feel self-hatred and blame rise up in me. I hated my clumsiness every time other people did.

I ended up throwing my bag of chips on a soft landing with pillows and went out for a broom even though I told him earlier that we shouldn't be in a rush because the floor is still wet and that would not be practical for sweeping.

He borrowed the broom in a bit after saying that more shards have reached far across the room (to his side).

That's as my cue. Theodore showed up, and we gave him a little warning (good thing he wore slippers) and I went on my way quietly.

I'm on the streets.

Cried a bit but I'm better.

Don't think I'll be showing up so soon though. I'm not sure he's better.

I think I'll spend more time in this calm.

I am suddenly reminded of the time when we were still early inside this relationship. He wondered what he'd do if I get really sad. I always told him truthfully that he didn't need to worry about that because you just know I'm really sad if I disappear without a word and without warning.

I've been disappearing a lot more than I ever would. But this is because I'm leaving myself more vulnerable than I ever was prepared to in my whole life.

Trust me, it's a lot worse to be safely numb than dangerously fragile.

I've been there, and I never want to go back there again.

2018-11-20 21:00 Philippines Tuesday

We talked it out kindly and hung out some more with Divad last night. Karu was just stressed with so much red tape last night that he was off his own focus.

As the eldest child in his family he got so used to taking responsibility of everything.

And I, as the second eldest, am so used to disliking being treated as a mindless unreliable baby who isn't capable of cleaning up after her own mess.

So you know, our talk was pretty fun.

I should always bring my SMS phone when I get out. I feel it's a hassle because when I disappear I rarely feel like talking literally, but it's a good countermeasure. Although I did bring my Free Data phone. I brought it cuz it also has media and games.

Karu gets anxious when I disappear without means of communication. He thinks I might just off myself one day. Not confident about that, but it's always a possibility so I guess I'm bringing the phone.

Divad's story-writing is getting so much better! The next problem to improve on is completing the character sheets. Their individual psyches are set and good, but they aren't completely 3D just yet. They need specific skillset, a specific background, etc. The individual world building so to speak is still under construction.

I feel so nervous waking up today. Work has never felt more toxic. But keep calm.

It's not the end. Relax.

Just walk. Take it one day at a time.

2018-11-21 05:27 Philippines Wednesday

#anxious #goal #habit #responsibility #child #marriage #conflict #stress #vulnerable #story #anxiety #chrono4

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survivenovascotia · 4 years

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Episode 3 - AHHHHH -Heather

I hate Tiktok dances. Im not in shape enough for this but like 150 pts is 150 pts

So I come back from Oak Island and Kevin has been voted out. Excuse me but what? Kevin of all people. The dude was great in challenges and a loyal person. But apparently Sunshine and John said he’d be too controlling at a swap and possibly had an idol? What kind of lame ass excuse is that at the second tribal council? Darcy, Mac and Kyle were all in favour of keeping Kevin over Jessie. Which means that Sunshine, John and Dan have some kind of alliance going on there. I don’t imagine Jessie is really aligned with them and probably only worked with them to keep herself safe. I don’t blame her at all. However, we’re probably going to lose this next challenge (partly because of me throwing it oops) which isn’t the worst thing in the world. If Darcy, Mac, Kyle and myself all stick together, and none of us go to Oak Island (Kyle and myself can’t), the four of us would have the majority to vote out any of the other three who don’t go to Oak Island. And as of right now, I think John and Sunshine still feel like I’m on their side. So I’m a little bit in the middle right now. I’ve got my fingers crossed everyone else on the tribe can pull together a win but a whole ass person not submitting for this is definitely a huge disadvantage for us.

In my opinion, one of the most important things to be aware of while playing survivor is your threat level. You can't exactly be too big of a threat or else you'll get voted out, and you also can't be too little of a threat or else you'll just get taken to the end, or be seen as an easy vote. This is why the meat shield strategy is one of the best ways to play survivor; be a threat, but never the biggest threat. However, I'm not playing the meat shield strategy right now, because quite frankly I don't feel like I need to. I'm so under everyone's radar, that I don't see myself going home anytime soon. Also, since this is my first time playing, it's hard to get a read on who really is a meat shield and who isn't. However, I'll be sure to make big moves; just not too many to get targeted over anyone else.

IDK WHO IS SITTING OUT BUT SOMEONE WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE SITTING OUT AND I THOUGHT WAS SITTING OUT IS IN. IDK IF THERE IS TIME BUT I AM THE BIG ANXIOUS ABOUT THIS CHALLENGE NOW.

AHHHHH

Kevin going home was upsetting for me. Sunshine, Jessie, Dan and John are dead to me. I need to convince Keegan to join myself, Darcy and Kyle if any of us are gonna get anywhere in this game. I didn’t search for the idol yesterday because I was feeling sick and was upset with Kev leaving. I just don’t wanna go back to tribal. Otherwise I’ll be saying a few words at tribal.

I am very nervous for this challenge. Evan hasn't done anything so far , but if we lose, we need him as a number so we are stuck in a sticky situation. Livingston a while ago thought you only had to do a select few and I am worried because I don't want to lose a challenge I worked so hard for just because people won't try. I hate having a for the tribe mentality because like I don't want to seem like a challenge threat but its more we have to work together and get as many points as humanly possible.

ok so this tribe turned into a literal mess. So i said i wanted to sit out of the challenge because i didn't have a lot of the items, and then i got ignored by like two members of the tribe which meant I was doing the challenge and evan and coco were sitting out. Honestly, I'm livid that I was ignored by people because that I take personally. I could care less about the challenge, even though I know i'd get like 6 points because i have papers and stuff to do. Luckily, we figured things out and evan is doing the challenge. If we win, awesome, but if we lose, I definitely have a couple people on my list. Luckily though, I'm in a 5 person alliance with Heather, Austin, Evan and Coco. That makes me feel safe at this specific time in the game, but I can't help but wonder who we will all vote for if we go to tribal tomorrow.

The dynamics right now are absolutely hilarious let’s breakdown: Heather: is currently having a panic attack bc this challenge is a mess & literally no one knows what they’re doing Eric: says ‘I’m not doing this’ then dips for like 20 hours. Evan & Coco are confirmed as sit outs, Eric gets mad at the hosts for some reason, & then forces himself to sit out. Evan: was confirmed as a sit out, dips for 20 hours because he thinks he’s not doing anything, comes back like ‘wait what’ & is hella salty Livingston: didn’t know that each person had to individually post everything Glo: is a angel her videos are killing me she is the comedic relief during these dark times. She also suggests we have one person go TWICE & have 3 sit outs LMAO Me: fucking cackling anytime anyone speaks in a passive aggressive tone We were supposed to be the tribe that loves each other now look what happened

It honestly feels horrible not submitting a damn thing for a challenge because I am certain we’re going to lose because of it. But I don’t want to try my best in the challenge and have us still lose and then lose my vote at tribal. It’s just not worth it. On the plus side, even if we do lose the challenge Darcy, Kyle and Mac are all pretty down to blindside Sunshine for being snakey. So unless they change their mind right away and decide to axe me I should be in a good position.

My legs are sore and I made TIKTOKS to win by over 1000. Im..... I was gonna set a plan to get Livingston out but I mean I guess

We lost the challenge, surprise surprise. By a heck of a lot so I’m hella glad I accept the Oak Island challenge and didn’t submit for the challenge. It wouldn’t have even mattered. So we lose the challenge and shout our ho hums in tribe chat before it dies and everyone disperses to their quiet hidey holes to scheme against each other. And lo and behold Dan has immediately thrown my name out for not submitting in the challenge. Because I alone was the reason we lost. Whatever. Darcy is going under cover with Sunshine and Dan right now, Kyle is trying to act like a free agent and I’m sitting here twiddling my thumbs wondering why the minority of Sunshine, Dan and John aren’t approaching the one person who wasn’t at all involved in the Kevin tribal. They honestly aren’t that smart if they’re straight up ignoring the one impartial person. Whatever. I wouldn’t actually vote with them since they voted out Kevin who was fantastic and useful. (#RevengeForKevin). Also, since I completed my Oak Island challenge I now have an extra vote I can use up until the final 5! I shouldn’t have to use it this tribal, thankfully. It will probably come in handy during a swap!

Is this what its like to be on a successful tribe? So unused to this. This gives me time to think and bond more. I’m thinking my first instinct to be threatened by glo and aim for her was wrong, it might make more sense to get her onside and use her both as a shield but also as a scapegoat for targetting others? We’ll see. Still good with Heather and Austin as a core three, and Livingston and Chips would be a good pair to link with if needed. Hopefully if swap comes I’m with some of them.

I’m crying at the fact we killed at. Like all of us were actually scared of losing & arguing & causing chaos & it was all for nothing & it’s AMAZING Also glo is scaring me she’s getting clingy she’s like “you wouldn’t miss me if we swapped” and I’m like what she’s like “tehe I was JOKING silly 😜” and like. I’m sorry what. Maybe I’m overreacting but that type of language makes me v uncomfy. Ion know that really off put me I’m gonna take a break from socializing. I’m pretty sensitive to behavior like that so I feel like it’s healthy to distance

Birch and Tawni really sat there being like, yall won stop trying. I thought we were up for competition. Oh Well. I had fun!! We love scavenger hunts

Me, Kyle, Keegan and Darcy are a good 4. With Jessie going to Oak Island that leaves Sunshine, Dan and John vulnerable. Keegan shared to me that he won an Extra Vote at Oak Island, which he hasn’t shared with Kyle and (maybe) not Darcy. I’m worried because I feel like I’m the 4th and not the 1st. Kyle admitted Kevin was his closest ally. My idol hunt is going alright. Definitely progress made.

youtube

To Kyle, if you’re ever reading these one day. I take back everything I said. You are awesome.

Fuck losing every challenge so far that’s all I have to say

I’m not sure if I’m feeling sick because I’m just sick or it’s the stress from this vote. I don’t want to be out this early. I can’t be out this early. If Kyle, Darcy and Mac can be trusted then I’m definitely safe and John is going home. I think I can trust them. I hope I can trust them. Why are we playing so damn hard so early in this game? Everyone needs to chill out or we’ll end up like Matsing.

Going to tribal I feel safe but nervous about what will happen in the aftermath. My group of 4 are pretty chill and not budging. Bye John.

No Swap, Thank God!! I think im fairly decent at this type of challenge. I won an individual immunity in this challenge once but idk how ill do with a tribe.

Oh my god my alliance is now in control! Yeah boi. Sunshine being HELLA QUIET after John’s boot was spooky but, I mean, he can’t complain since he did the exact same thing last vote. My problem now is not being the 4th member of the alliance. I’m scared that people will see me as riding coattails. I mean controlling the idol hunt is a cute look.

Our tribe was on a roll and had won 2 challenges in a row. I was starting to get busy taking care of my crush, and because of this, I had to sit out. However, apparently two people stated they were sitting out before I did. But the thing is, I never knew that. So I decided to disconnect from skype for the day to be with the one I love. However, I turn on skype the next day, and I'm bombarded with messages telling me to do the challenge. This really overwhelmed me, but then I realized it was an opportunity.

Glo realized how much of a sticky situation I was in, and she came to my help, and told me she would be with me until I finish it if she needs to. Ultimately I wouldn't have been able to finish the challenge if she hadn't helped me. She also played it up as if I stepped up for the team last second and made an impact. I still can't tell if she did this from the goodness of her heart, or if she did it for strategic reasons. But, I do think it was moreso strategic, because she did mention that after she helped me as much as she did, that we would have to be aligned. So because of that, her actions don't really mean as much to me as it should, and I will take out Glo if it's necessary and beneficial for my game.

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theleftoverurl · 6 years

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Back in time to Mother’s Day, wow, that feels so long ago. What was it? 2 weeks? 1? Anyway, in the aftermath of REXTAB, I woke up at 10:30 as I had promised Kate the night previous, and dragged myself out of bed for an update, only to find Kate and Vron leaving for Jules’ soccer and Lindfield already.

I suppose I had already made it pretty clear that I didn’t want to go to Lindfield so early, but I had assumed that Kate would come with me (given that I often go out of my way to keep her company for trips because she doesn’t like being alone) but turns out she dislikes public transport so much, that she is willing to watch a 13-year-old’s soccer game in the dull drizzle outside and then spend a whole day in an Internet-less house. The bitterness is just me being ditched and a hint of jealousy that has continued in recent times at the realisation that with my absence in other social things and preoccupation at the hospital, Kate and Vron have probably become better friends than Kate and me. Also, Kate has been too caught up in stressing about all the things she has due to spend much time with me, so I feel like we haven’t had any nice interaction for a while. Lucky we pre-scheduled the massage for this Saturday, before things get distant and then she just leaves for New Zealand, but anyway, I digress.

They left, and I attempted to feed myself, but the kitchen was at a new level of filthy. I wasn’t about to clean it, because I was feeling generally spiteful and also because I had definitely been so absent during the week that I hadn’t had time to eat in that kitchen, so contributed about 0% of that mess. I cleared enough space to make 2minute Shin Ramyun noodles (the spicy Korean ones that are my favourite) and Marmite toast and then I rang mum (for a rant) to wish her Happy Mother’s Day. Nick was on the Leeuwin, a fancy boat that Christchurch takes him on to sail and learn physics and teamwork and things, so mum and dad had Mother’s Day all to themselves. Mum and I had a big talk about Veronica’s idiosyncrasies and how I could stop myself from getting so irritated because I don’t understand them, and Nick’s parent-teacher meeting, which obviously went well because he’s such a charmer, and then we got onto my ILP project, which mum is making a big deal about (turning it into a burden in my life I am not looking forward to). Things turned a bit sour, but I managed to squeeze in a discussion about potentially volunteering in a 3rd world country over the December holidays, to get in some work experience (in a country with less strict regulations, where I’ll be allowed to perform procedures and it will be useful) and then she remembered my lack of ability to drive and yelled at me about that so that we ended the call on a bad note. Very typical.

I was feeling very trashy by this point, and nobody was home to keep me company, so I had round 2 of 2minute noodles by eating the Mama tom yum ones I had stocked up and then I watched Grey’s Anatomy and ate Cadbury chocolate chip cookies and leftover Easter eggs and took a sneaky swig of Vron’s orange juice (out the bottle, ha) and had a packet of crisps. Just making myself as disgusting a human being as possible, really.

By now, it was late afternoon, and I didn’t want to turn up to Veronica’s house for dinner late, given I was already only turning up for dinner and not to spend time with her and Kate, so I did a quick hour’s work writing up List B for my Onc-Pall assignment which was due the next morning and then hopped onto the dreaded public transport for my trip to Lindfield. I did decide to wear my puffy grey Guess jacket which I got in New York, and it was extremely warm and so fluffy, really elevating the mood of my particularly average day (although I felt alright, I just knew it was from being a slob).

The train ride was uneventful, and I arrived around 6:15. Veronica was in the shower or doing her laundry or something, but I had a nice chat with Kate, Anna and Vron’s mum whilst her dad made beef Wellington – a specialty he creates every Mother’s Day. Both the dogs put their heads on my lap and fell asleep which was therapeutic and so, so cute. Everyone had a contentious discussion about Veronica wanting a dog – does she get a brand-new therapy dog, or does she take Charlie and Lola or just Lola, oh my goodness, so many decisions. I wasn’t really listening, to be honest, because the dog conversation has really tired me out recently – I’m a person who makes decisions and sticks to them, so if I want a dog, and I decide that it’s not too difficult to have one, I’ll just get one. I won’t suffer having multiple circular discussions about it and end up on no decision. So, I just cuddled the dogs and minded my own business, though I did throw in the suggestion of a rabbit or a guinea pig, that wasn’t taken too seriously (but I wasn’t being serious either, I ain’t cleaning no cages).

Dinner was huge, but really, really yummy and I felt bad for being the pig as usual and eating all the food (despite all the junk during the day) when everybody else picked at something or the other or left bits on their plate. I guess I never really was taught to leave anything on my plate and being in situations with people makes me nervous where I eat more, because I’m afraid people will think I’m not eating, which is stupid and irrelevant and not the stage of my life that I’m in anymore, but I think it’s a remnant of that. After beef Wellington were choco hot-o pies, which is basically a self-saucing chocolate pudding that we had at Veronica’s last time which is super rich and delicious (brilliant with vanilla ice cream to cut out the richness of consuming pure sugar and chocolate). I had mine early because I like it a bit gloopy, but everybody else heated theirs up further.

Afterwards, Kate and Vron were tired and anxious to go home, so we had a quick pat of the dogs and then headed. On the way to the house, they had a disaster, where the bonnet of Veronica’s car wasn’t secured properly, so it flipped up whilst they were in the middle of the road and they couldn’t see anything. I’m very proud of Veronica that she didn’t freak out and navigated everyone to safety, which just goes to show that honestly, she’s not as incapable as she believes she is (or her anxiety believes, I don’t really know how that all works). Anyway, Veronica’s mum dropped us home and I stayed up late finishing my assignment. I got it in at 11pm sharp, with minimal proofreading and giving myself huge leeway on the word count, but it was completed on time, and with minimal fuss. I watched a bit more Grey’s before bed which was nice.

So, that’s all I have for now, I am running super behind on updates, but this was the last long one I had planned, so it should jump back to the present very soon. I got out of hospital early today by literally running away because I was so tired and had a sleep at 4pm. I was too tired to go to the GHSC tonight, which is a big shame, and I was too tired to correctly estimate how much pasta I needed and ate 2 huge bowls so now I feel a bit sick. My diet has been crazy bad recently, but I’ll probably fix it up soon, idk. Tomorrow I must go to uni an hour earlier because my group project group prefer to wake up earlier than skip an SH lecture. Ridiculous. Anyway, that’s all for now, hopefully things are less weird in the house tomorrow as I’m cooking dinner – family dinner should fix things up. Okay, till next time 😊

#personal

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mikeyd1986 · 6 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 103, May 2018

Last Saturday morning, my parents and I drove down to the 9 Grams Cafe and the Armstrong Playground, Mount Duneed for Hunter’s 2nd birthday party. I was feeling a bit nervous about it considering I hadn’t seen certain family members for years and so there’s always social difficulties: remembering names, feeling socially, awkward, wanting to fit in and belong plus dealing with other’s peoples personalities. https://www.facebook.com/ArmstrongMtDuneed/

Thankfully it wasn’t too bad despite the gale force winds threatening to blow all the food, presents and decorations away. We literally had to tie and tape down the black balloons and giant number 2 balloon a few times. Because I only knew a handful of people, I was huddling around near my parents, aunties and uncles. I actually had a really good laugh with my Mum, Auntie Kathy and Auntie Gaye which helped to reduce those anxiety levels and made me feel more included on this special occasion.

When it comes to kids and being a Dad, I feel like Dr. Alan Grant from Jurassic Park who was lumped with John Hammond’s grandchildren. You could tell that he was very hesitant and desperately needed an instruction manual to look after them. I think the distance and lack of connection with my own Dad explains why I’ve always been so reluctant and awkward around kids. I literally don’t know what to say or do around them.

But baby Hunter seems like a good kid. He’s filled with boundless energy and has a cheeky smile. He was running around the playground, climbing onto the equipment with no issues at all. All the adults took it in turns to keep a close eye on him as he didn’t seem to have an off switch. We all sung “Happy Birthday” to Hunter three times as a group before having some cake and departing the playground.

Later on that afternoon, we drove down to Queenscliff Harbour to check out Gaye and Clint’s new houseboat, The Catamaran. It was difficult for me adjusting to the swaying motion of the boat even though it was tied down and moored. I guess I’m just not used to it. But I did try to relax and enjoy the experience. The interiors of the boat were really glamourous with plush red leather seating, a mini kitchenette and row of bar fridges, a dining area, downstairs galley, a front deck and top deck upstairs. We all enjoyed a couple of beers and wines each before checking into the Seaview House. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catamaran

The Seaview Guest House is an old English-styled motel featuring rustic wooden furniture, narrow corridors, low pile carpet runners, floral-patterned bedspreads, heritage coloured walls, floral print wallpaper and a selection of abstract and landscape paintings. The motel itself contains guest rooms with ensuites, TV, Wifi, central heating and cooling, a lounge area, dining room, cafe and art gallery. Outside my window of the guest room, there were some beautiful oak trees with large green and brown autumn leaves. A pile of these were all piled up at the foot of the building and scattered across the pavement. It was such a lovely place to stay the night in. http://www.seaviewhouse.com.au/

Last Saturday night, we went down to Gaye and Clint’s place located in Clifton Springs to help them set up their shed for a garage sale tomorrow. Considering they’re actually selling the property and retiring on the houseboat, this was pretty much an “everything must go” affair. The shed was really dusty, dirty and cluttered with junk. Admittedly, I felt a little lost and uncertain being in there with Rod, Warren and Clint.

A big part of my autism is needing structure and clear instructions when doing a task. Thankfully that’s exactly what I was given which made it easier for me. I can’t stand the thought of standing around awkwardly and not being useful. I ended up putting all of the Styrofoam blocks in a big pile together, sorted out the extension leads into separate piles and putting some items out on the fold-out trestle table. I felt pretty proud of myself seeing how I arranged all of the handbags, lamps, towels, throw rugs and cushions out, ready for the garage sale tomorrow morning.

Later that night, we headed off to the Springs Bistro at Clifton Springs Golf Club for dinner. After feeding the dogs, Clint took me for a spin in his two-door red Nissan Coupe sports car. I really know next to nothing about cars so everything Clint was telling me about the features of this car went in one ear and out the other. However, the rev was really loud and fast. It felt like I was in the passenger seat of the Batmobile or an Aston Martin from the James Bond movies.

Being a Saturday night, the bistro was really buzzing with people so it was a good thing that Gaye booked us a table in advance. I ordered a beef burger with onion rings and a side of chips. I find that it can be really challenging dealing with my family but tonight we had plenty of laughs together. I was able to let go of some of my emotional issues at least for the time being. Even in the most stressful and dysfunctional of circumstances, we all have to stick together somehow.

Last Sunday morning, we checked out of the Seaview Guest House and had breakfast at the Panache Cafe & Creperie Edgewater, which is just a few minutes walk away. It is a French-styled cafe with beautiful lead-lighting, wooden tables and chairs, interior brickwork with torn plaster walls and large market umbrellas outside. I ordered the sweet crepe with strawberries and vanilla ice-cream which was absolutely delicious! https://panachecafeandcreperie.com.au/

Later on that morning, we drove back down to Gaye and Clint’s place in Clifton Springs to help them out with their garage sale. I felt a little out of my depth being one of the “helpers” but I just tried to be myself and decided to adopt my door greeter role from work. Greeting other people is something I can definitely do even when they’re total strangers to me. There we met a bubbly lady named Rosalyn Dodds who was quite easy to talk to. She is a friend of Gaye and Clint’s.

I decided to buy a few things to help contribute to Gaye and Clint’s sales including a table lamp with a bright purple shade and a sky blue coloured cushion. I was technically broke today but I really wanted to buy something even for a few dollars. My parents ended up buying a large floor rug, twin lamp shades, an extension lead, a handful of old records, some cushions, a throw rug and an antique tick-tock wall clock.

On Monday night, I attended my first Zumba class in probably over a year at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. I still remember back in 2016 when I tried my very first Zumba class and was literally shitting myself at the back of the group fitness room. Back then, my anxiety levels were in overdrive and I was very self-conscious about my body. I was also really worried about people looking at me, keeping up and messing up the dance moves. Five years ago, I wouldn’t be caught dead doing a Zumba class. All this shows how much I have progressed not only with my fitness goals but also my personal development.

I think I’ve really learned to not take life as seriously and be comfortable having a laugh at myself. It’s honestly the only way I could ever actually enjoy a Zumba class. I know right off the bat that I can’t dance to save my life and so I’ve already accepted how uncoordinated my dance moves probably look to most people. Plus I’m not there to be a technical Latin dancer. I’m there to burn off calories and have fun.

The instructor Geri certainly helps to make Zumba accessible to everyone. Nobody really gives a shit about how you dance or what you look like so being judged is not a concern for me. Of course it’s still pretty challenging for me both keeping up and articulating the dance movements at least to some extent. If I get really stuck, I always try to follow along with the person in front of me. But I had a ball tonight. I was shaking my hips, swinging my arms overhead, wiggling my chest and man boobs and sweating a whole heap. https://www.fitnessfirst.com.au/find-a-class/zumba/

On Tuesday morning, I started the first week of my Employ Your Mind - Phase 2 program at WISE Employment in Cranbourne. This phase of the program is very different compared to the first phase for several reasons: you work in a group rather than 1 on 1, you do individual work on a project of your choice and start working on the Thinking Gym, which are computer-based puzzles designed to help improve your cognition skills.

Of course for me, meeting new people is still a barrier for me and initially my social anxiety was flaring up a bit when I met the other learning coaches and EYM students. But once I was settled in, I was generally fine and more relaxed. We started the first session by introducing each other to the group in pairs. Then my learning coach went through the guidelines and group expectations.

The computer program that is used in Employ Your Mind is called HAPPYneuronPro. Each of the puzzles or games in the program focuses on a different area of thinking including long term memory, working memory, attention, reasoning and problem solving and thinking speed. I found these games to be a little difficult but mostly enjoyable and educational.

The last part of today’s session involved doing a mini project called Introduce Yourself. We each had to present information about ourselves regarding character strengths, general facts, interests, goals and thinks that we’ve discovered during Phase 1. For me, this has always been an area I’ve struggled with...oral presentations in groups and just public speaking in general.

Every time it feels like the spotlight is focused directly on me and I always seem to get flustered, anxious and shaky. But I think I did pretty well considering it’s only a small group of us. I would have been much worse in front of a larger group, on a stage, with a microphone and no notes in front of me. No thank you! http://www.fifeemploymentaccesstrust.com/employ-your-mind.html

On Tuesday night, Mandi Herauville, Rodney Millar and myself did a wet session together at P3 Sports & Recovery in Berwick. It was my first time visiting this place even though I’ve driven past it many times in the past year or so. I was feeling slightly apprehensive about it seeing as this centre is mainly designed for athletes and sports people but honestly who cares? I deserve to recover just as much as anyone else. I suppose you could say that I’m from a fitness background considering my participation in Crossfit and Strength Training.

In a way, P3 does have similar facilities compared to a traditional aquatic centre such as swimming pools, a spa bath and a sauna room. But the difference is that there is more of a focus on hydrotherapy and being able to recover from sport-related injuries and soreness. There are also plunge pools, a 12 metre swimming pool and a hydrotherapy pool. There are so many benefits from using these facilities from increased blood flow and muscle strength to reduced joint tension and relaxed muscles. http://p3sportsmelbourne.com.au/wet-therapy/

Of course being my first time being at P3, the usual questions flooded my mind: Where am I going? Am I heading in the right direction? But that stems from my need for clarity and certainty in new situations. But it didn’t take long for me to find my way around and bump into Mandi and Rodney. I think the most challenging part was adjusting to the sudden change in water temperature. It’s not everyday that you’re suddenly jumping from a hot spa into an ice cold water pool and visa versa. http://p3sportsgoldcoast.com.au/wet-therapy/

My cheeky side really came out tonight as I was making jokes about my sexuality. I’m a gay man and of course I’m going to be appreciating the masculine form of the male species. There were whole sports teams worth of guys flooding into the wet therapy area and I was not complaining at all, just saying! (IT’S RAINING MEN. HALLELUJAH. IT’S RAINING MEN, AMEN!). I’ve become so relaxed about being gay now that it doesn’t bother me if other people know. I don’t exactly yell it from the rooftops either.

There was a 3 minute timer constantly ticking over as you generally “cycle” between pools. You really had to be switched on and ready to move when the timer hit zero. It was certainly a different experience to your typical aquatic centre type pools. The added bonus is that the water contains magnesium chloride, which is similar to the Epsom salts used in baths to relax and soothe your muscles. Despite the blokey atmosphere, I really enjoyed tonight’s session at P3 probably due to the company of Mandi and Rodney. It certainly made things far less daunting for me. http://p3sports.com.au/try-the-magnesium-hydro-pool-or-a-session-in-the-recovery-lounge/

On Thursday morning, I had an appointment with my support worker Ally Lamb at Colourfield Cafe Casey Central in Narre Warren South. I was feeling pretty drained today, probably due to how eventful work was last night and also the sudden change in weather (insert “WINTER IS COMING” meme here). But it still felt good sharing my thoughts and feelings with Ally today. People can really drag you down sometimes but it’s important to build yourself back up again. I still have moments where I get upset, emotional and overwhelmed at work but I’m learning to deal with it better. https://www.dss.gov.au/our-responsibilities/mental-health/programs-services/personal-helpers-and-mentors-phams

I decided to finish off my Mother’s Day shopping and get some groceries at Woolies. But that, I had to drop into Centre Management. I actually won a prize advertised on the Casey Central Shopping Centre Facebook page for Mum. It was a homewares gift pack from Habitania - Casey Central including a clock, bird and succulent. I’ve also got my mum a pink poinsettia plant, notepad and weekly planner, a coffee mug from The Pancake Parlour, a teal coloured cushion, some lavender scented bath salts and an animal door stopper (corduroy dog). http://caseycentral.com.au/

On Friday morning, I attended a Vinyasa Flow yoga class with Dell Brown at Just Be Yoga and Meditation in Beaconsfield. I was actually intending to do a yoga class last night but I was feeling really off for some reason. My energy levels crashed sometime in the afternoon and even though mentally I wanted to go, physically my body said “No Way!”. So I made the decision to wait until tomorrow morning and hopefully I’d feel more up to going.

It was a really wise decision despite the torrential rain and traffic on the roads at 9am. Considering how cold and wet the weather conditions were, it was a large turnout in the studio this morning. I still wasn’t 100% but I had enough strength and energy to get me through today’s class. I heard that sudden changes in weather temperatures can affect a person’s mood and energy levels and I can very much attest to that.

We did several flowing sequences (Downward Facing Dog, Plank, Chaturanga, Seal or Updog), a Sun Salutation (Standing Forward Fold, Half Lift, High Lunge, Warrior 2, Revolved Triangle pose, Reverse Warrior), balance sequence (Tree pose, Dancers pose) and some supported handstands into the wall. https://www.livestrong.com/article/332693-what-are-the-benefits-of-vinyasa-yoga/

I was actually really proud and impressed that I was able to pull off and hold an L-Shaped handstand into the wall with no assistance needed (thank you Aaron Petty!). I think patience, practice and confidence have had a huge part to play in that considering I could barely place on foot on the wall a couple of years ago. https://www.doyouyoga.com/how-to-do-l-shaped-handstand/

Later that morning, Mum and I treated ourselves to a Classic Victorian-styled High Tea at Baked Bakery Cafe and Patisserie in Narre Warren South. We only decided doing this a couple of days prior to celebrate Mother’s Day and I’m glad we did. The staff at the Bakery were all very accommodating and polite with Irish chef David being our host. We enjoyed a glass of sparkling non-alcoholic champagne, a teapot of English Breakfast tea, two types of scones: white chocolate and cranberry, cheese and herb, a selection of finger sandwiches, brownies, jelly slices and green macrons. All of this for $25 per person. Easily the cheapest high tea I’ve ever had with excellent service and beautifully presented food and drink.

On Mother’s Day, my parents and I went out to dinner at The Pancake Parlour (Fountain Gate). I wisely decided to book the table a week in advance as I knew how packed the restaurant would be for Mothers Day. I couldn’t help but spoil Mum with everything she does for me. Luckily I bought a large gift bag to put all the pressies in. I ordered the Royal Canadian pancakes with bacon, eggs, pineapple and banana fritter. It was a good night out enjoyed by everyone especially my Mum. https://www.pancakeparlour.com.au/

“Open to everything happy and sad. Seeing the good when it's all going bad. Seeing the sun when I can't really see. Hoping the sun will at least look at me. Focus on everything better today. All that I need and I never could say. Hold on people that slipping away. Hold on to this while it's slipping away.” Moby - Slipping Away (2005)

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thegraphitesword-blog · 7 years

Text

Pride Prompt Month 13/30: Graveyard Shift

Fandom: One Sugar or Two

Relationship: Trans! James and Olivia

Notes: So this one is a little off topic and nontraditional but I had trouble figure out what to do for this with out being repetitive. But, I just wanted write something and I guess I ran out of ideas or whatever. I have the rest of the month planned out soooooo ._.

More Notes: So, James graduates with a fine arts degree and is offered a position as assistant teacher at Nayak University. Like I had mentioned before, James is very, very mentally dysfunctional and struggles with severe and destructive insomnia, psychosis, anxiety and depression. Save my poor baby! (all of them are my babies but literally all of the male characters have something tragically wrong). Also, Olivia is a sweetheart (thank the @basementtreasure for that)

Prompt: Graveyard Shift

James’s Pov

I graduated about a year and a half ago, and it never occurred to me, I’d be in the same classroom at 3 in the morning. I appreciated Mr. Klein taking me in as his assistant teacher and that he trusted me with his Freshman Art Fundamentals class, while he was on vacation, but being hunched over a desk reading the art analysis papers was.....not what I had in mind.

It didn’t help that I hadn’t really slept all week and was way too focused on not making a mess of class, to take breaks and eat. Don’t mistake my intentions, I loved the students. Hungry for the understanding of advanced art and talented in more way than I could imagine. Sure, it was a drag that a group of them in my 10:30 class refused to call me by my name; ever since Justin and Samantha found out that James Alexander was actually Jamie, they took their trans-phobia to a whole new level.

But, that was just a small fraction of my/Klein’s students. I smiled grading Miss. Parker’s analysis on Magritte's various works focusing on the painting “the son of man”. She was one of my favorites, though I treated everyone with the same respect. Still, she was the first one to protest the idea of the other classmates ignorance, and the first to ask if things were okay.

I’d be lying if I said, I hadn’t been caught watching the shadows or completely stopping during a lecture.

I glance at the monstrous stack of paper I still had to finish for my last class of the day, wishing I had some tea or something warm, but when I was offered the position, I regrettably developed a habit of drinking caffeine constantly. Kit and Olivia were more than concerned and Alex on more than one occasion stole my energy supplements and drinks. I wouldn’t have minded if my body hadn’t gone through withdraws the days following and I couldn’t handle the pressure of teaching and the symptoms at the same time.

My students thought it was funny to see their 25 year old teacher’s collection of 5-hour energy bottles, all painted and filled with sand and the numerous Monster can, cut and pulled into thin aluminum decorations around the room. Of course, I knew the dangers. How it negated my medication and amplified the shadows, but it became a nervous habit onto itself.

I pull out my phone and scroll through the various emails the students had sent me that day. Two were from Amanda alone.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Sorry to bother you sir,

I was going to follow up with the question, I asked in class.

She goes on with a discussion of the day’s homework assignment and questions she had regarding the value of textures and brush strokes.

I answer her numerous questions and read the extension.

Mr. Alexander,

I hate to say this, but a few students and I have been concerned. Not, that I know what’s best for your situation, but you seemed extremely distracted and anxious today. i know this a normal thing, but it was much more than normal. All of us hope you are okay.

Amanda

I dropped my phone, groaning.

“Christ alive.”

It was hard to admit that I can’t always keep things together, but it stung my students were messaging me, about my health. I pull out another bottle of 5-hour energy. This will be my....fourth one today?

Who knows.

Pulling off the plastic, i shook the fluid absently. there were so many read flags to having another, but anxiety is a hell of a thing. I took sips of the caffeine shot, flipping through more paper, for about a half an hour, before things took a turn.

The major draw back to consuming large amounts of caffeine on an empty stomach is....it doesn’t sit well or stay long. I rest my pen against Jeremy’s paper, leaning my head back, trying to ignore the dizziness and nausea.

“I hate being me.”

I keep my eyes closed trying to sort out the discomfort. Regrets filter through my frazzled, exhausted mind. I’m tempted to call it a night and save the rest for tomorrow morning, but the thought of being irresponsible pushed me to pick up my pen. My head is reeling as I try and focus on the black and white pages.

“Focus. Come one...”

Panic sets in as the noises I usually tune out grow in sheer volume. Something is breathing over my shoulder and I can feel nails dragging up my lower back.

It had been a while, since I had been overwhelmed by my hallucinations, the snakes of black slithering around my ankles, the hissing over my shoulder and so on. Not that I was surprised. With how I treated my self, it was a shock it took this long.

I grip the sides of my head, trying to recenter my thoughts. It works, for the most part, til something grabs my throat and I fall back. i hear the chair leg crack and I scramble back, not daring to look at whatever had escaped the shadows. Hyperventilating was the only thing I could I count at the moment.

Stress...StressStressSTRESS. I could feel it filling my body to the overflowing point. I cover my mouth coughing, as little air squeezes into my lungs. I choked on the air, like my brother used to in asthma attacks, vision blurred and spotted. My stomach contacted and acid fought its way up my throat, squeezing out of the gaps in my fingers. I didn’t have time to even move, before the coughing became entangle with retching.

The moment stopped as soon as it started, my body seemingly content with the expulsion of the awful drinks I lived off of all week. I sucked in large breathes, trying to take the reigns of the hyperventilating, and as my composure resurfaced, the shadows slunk back into the corner of the room.

“I....really....hate my life.”

I waited a little while longer, hoping things would settle and I could go back to grading papers. The only thing that deterred me...was the disgusting mess down the front of my sweater. I hadn’t planned on going back to the apartment, especially since, at this stage of my mental destruction, driving was dangerous.

I carefully pull of my favorite navy sweater....only to realize that the thin button up I was wearing almost less suitable. Not only was it a pale peach, but it screamed, “Hey this one’s a girl.”

Pinching the bridge of my nose was all I could do to restrain my frustration. It completely slipped my mind that Olivia let me borrow the shirt for an interview with a group on campus that.....were less than accepting of the LGBTQ+ community.

I paced the room, thinking, “It was 4:26. first was 7:30, it took 20 minutes to get to the apartment, about 15 to get back and above all at least 3 hours to finished the papers.”

My options were limited and I really didn’t want a repeat of my anxiety attack. My eyes rested on my phone.

“God, I hate my life.”

Olivia was my speed dial 1, Alex was 2, and Kit was 3. Kit would come, but he had a performance last night and he probably went to sleep a few hours ago. Alex doesn’t wake up before 8, so I don’t like he would even wake up if I called him. I hit the lavender bundle icon and wait.

It wring 4 times and I hang up, only to be startled by it sounding, the second I set my phone down.

“Good Morning.”

“James, what’s wrong it’s not even 5.”

“I am in need of assistance.”

I hear movement and I can tell, she already has her shoes on.

“Do you need anything?”

“A sweater and a shirt. Preferably not a button up.”

“Be there soon.”

It’s humiliating to have my girlfriend do this, but sometimes one has to set aside pride. Instead of pacing the room, I clean up my shameful mess and grade more paper til Olivia rushes in the room.

“James! Are you okay?”

She hugs me and I instinctively stiffen, even with her, i hate physical contact.

“Sorry, what happend?”

“I presume caffeine overload, fueling an anxiety attack, resulting in a short burst of expulsion.”

She picks up the empty bottle of 5-hour energy, disgusted.

“How many?”

She’s got me there. I fiddle with my pen whispering 4.

“Jesus, you do realize that you’re only suppose to have 2 a day and with your circumstance none!”

“Yes, I do. Yet, at the same time they have become a nervous reflex.”

Olivia squeezes my hand, “James. You need to take care of yourself.”

Ever since my mother died, I resented those words. She always told me to take care and nice to my body. She sometimes stayed up with me and make me tea or read stories to chase away the nightmares. She was the only one who cared when I lived at home. My brothers tortured me and my father suppressed every aspect of my life.

I yank my hand away, pulling another essay from the pile.

“If my body wanted to be taken care of, it would not be so inefficient at surviving.”

“Alright, that’s it. I am cutting you off. NO caffeine outside of tea. I will not stand for you being so stubborn and idiotic.”

She doesn't give me the chance to respond, shoving a plastic bag of clothes in my hands and rummaging through my bag. Sadly, I had tomorrows dose of caffeinated drinks; 3 5-hour energy, 2 20oz Monsters and a green tea SoBe. She placed the in front, I don’t look her in the eyes.

“I would prefer you do not lecture me on my caffeine addiction,”

“It won’t be an addiction for long, trust me.”

I pull out the clothes, holding my burgundy sweater, the one with white stitching and a white hem. One of my favorite, second to navy one and the shirt was my Jack’s Mannequin tee.

“I also brought you a new binder. The light grey one.”

Olivia was the best. Unbuttoning my shirt. I was wearing and stretched out. Olivia ran a finger over few of the scars on my stomach. One was from my surgery after I developed stomach ulcers. The others where caused by psychotic breakdowns, when I was younger.

Olivia brushes my hair, but it doesn’t really register through my emptiness.

“Do you mind turning around?”

“Oh, yeah.”

She backs up and spins around, hiding her face. I shimmy out of my black binder, momentarily observing my chest. Most things about myself, were annoying and undesirable, my 34Cs were definitely one of them. I remember the days and nights, I spent trying to build muscle and get them to “dissolve”, but my geneticsc weren’t favorable.

I slip on the gray full torso binder and then the tee.”

“You can turn around, Olivia.”

She hugs me, this time I was ready and I melted into her arms, exhausted, humiliated and defeated.

“I love you, Navy Knight.”

She kissed my forehead and collected my banned drinks. I watched her pack.....and then pull up a chair.

“You thought you could get rid of me?”

“Not particularly.”

She laughed, grabbing a pen, “Hand me some paper.”

“Olivia, this is my class. You are not even a visual arts student.”

“I know. I was planning on writing down your lecture for today, since you will definitely are behind.”

A blush spreads over my face, she always has me pegged.

“You spoil me.”

“James, I give you the basic human necessities you so cruely deny yourself.”

I chuckle, “Maybe...”

“Alright, I look forward to seeing you in class Monday. Remember Professor Klien will be returning on Sunday. I appreciate you all giving me the ability to develop my teaching skills.”

I dismiss the class and a few students give me their thanks and best wishes. I ressure them that I will still be the assistant teacher to Prof. Klien. It was encouraging that majority of students gave me praise and thanks for the last week and a half. They all left and I collapsed into the nearest chair.

“Jesus.”

I barely survived my first experience teaching, but it was eye opening. I loved it...but I needed to make some changes if it is going to be something I want to do as a profession. I pack my paper and bag, mentally preparing for making the reports to Mr. Klein and my plans for Monday as I start my normal job.

“You seem happy.”

I probably jumped a foot in the air, at Olivia’s voice. She was in the doorway, hair tied back and smiling.

“It is a relief to be finish caring the sole responsibility of a freshman class.”

She saunter closer, in her angelic manor, “Well I have one request, Professor.”

“Yes?”

She presses a kiss on my cheek, “You owe me about a week worth of cuddling. I will either take them in bursts or you can join me for a cuddle-a-thon and movies.”

“Olivia, I have reports to write and file, and assignments to sort for Mr. Klein and-”

She cuts me off, kissing my lips this time. I shudder torn about my responsibilities as a teacher and boyfriend. There are so many things I have to do, things I have made promises to up hold. I couldn’t just abandon them. That would be selfish. I feared nothing more in life than being selfish. At the same time.....I hadn’t seen Olivia since she came to the classroom at 5am. And that was five days ago. I knew so many things, both obvious and hidden. I knew that my friends cared and were worried, I knew that I was tearing myself apart under the false pretense of it being my suicidal body. I knew that Olivia missed me more than I could even understand and no matter what I tell myself, I wanted to relax and do something other than stress over my life. I tried to convince myself I needed to work...

Instead, I kiss her back, unsure and tentative. She invites more and ran a finger across my cheek. We never were very comfortable with feats of affection privately or publicly, me especially. I break away, covering my face.

“I take that as a yes?”

She laughs, the both of us walking hand in hand through the campus to her car.

I forgot how pleasent it was to actually lay down. Weither it was a bed or couch or whatever, letting the tension go, was fulfilling. Olivia suggested a combo of sci-fi and action (together our collection of movies, was almost ridiculous). Despite my displeasure, Olivia refused to let me leave the comfort of the couch, tangling me in blanket to the point I couldn’t break free. Dinner for the night, something Kit brought over, popcorn and Valerian root tea ( special blend I drank since I was diagnosised with insomnia, when I was about 10).

To be honest, i don’t remember the movies, though I had seen them dozens of times, nor did I remember what we did that night. All I could register was, the warmth of tea, blanket, and Olivia; quick kisses, and the reassuring feeling of her hands petting my hair. It was inevitable she would fall asleep first, but listening to her soft breathing, was the best sleep aid I could have asked for. Even if I had things to do and promises to keep, I made a promise to her.

And after almost a week, I let go of the world and drifted off, with the thought of Olivia’s love in my head.

#One Sugar or Two #james #olivia #love them #also someone save my baby #pride prompt month #original work #basementtreasure #to my moirail who wanted to see some JXO

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