#and fucking doubloon with no explaination
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still disappointed we went nowhere with the whole “doubloon knows spinjitzu” thingy.
like doubloon was(?) just a regular human in canon so like he shouldn’t know it unless either:
A) Garmadon taught him. Why? No clue man Doubloon has 0 ties to him. Out of the FSM family it could only have been Garmadon since Wu states in the Book of Spinjitzu that he doesn’t know how or where Doubloon learned spinjitzu. The FSM was likely dead before Doubloon was a concept.
B) Nineko taught him. Again why..? Doubloon as a thief has no use to her or at the very least no use that would require spinjitzu. The only reason she taught the bros catjitzu was so they could get the jewel for her.
C) Asperra????? just no
or D) which somehow makes the most sense: he learned it in the other realm he was stuck in. which is also bogus because how the hell would other realms know what spinjitzu is UNLESS it’s the departed realm because dead EMs. Which leaves us once again with my favourite question in this post: WHY
why introduce such a character and then do nothing with that
why
#or E) Doubloon is the next Spinjitzu Master (TM) and rediscovered it himself#sorry lloyd but you're getting replaced with the objectively best character in united and the REAL FSM successor#the only other exception to the EM rule are: Nineko who learned from the FSM; Asperra who learned from Wu#Misako who presumably learned from both Wu and Garmadon#and fucking doubloon with no explaination#THE IMPLICATOINS THAT SOMEONE IS JUST OUT THERE TEACHING PEOPLE SPINJITZU#riu speaks#ninjago posting#doubloon ninjago#like i have my own explaination BUT that is just throwing doubloons canon backstory away
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sea of thieves rly was like. we are delaying the tenth season soo much its gonna be soooo good you guys <33 and dropping hints for more hunters call content and then the reveal drops and its just guilds. in the year of our lord 2023 (and one more mid world event i guess. coming a month after that but initially planned to be the one thing in season 11. and also the singleplayer mode coming in on december so two months into the "season")
#can we please just get more shit to do in the ocean. for the ocean game.#youd think this would be a no brainer but i guess not!!! please give the hunters call more shit just a few more fish im begging you#they keep adding random bullshit to the game that doesnt even have to do with pirates HELLO!!! ITS A PIRATE GAME#im still thinking about. the whole 'real pirates dont steal' and 'real pirates are honorable' etc etc and calling the reapers wrong#but objectively they are the most piratey faction everyone else is just a privateer#IM GOING ON A RANT SORRY I PROMMY I LOVE THE GAME VERY MUCH#I WAS JUST SO EXCITED FOR A POSSIBLE NEW SEA MONSTER RARRGGGHHHH#instead i have just been finding out that the games story is fucked and convoluted and for some reason pirates have some form of morals#like.. idk how to explain it but its literally 'we dont do this for gold we do it for glory and we have to be nice about it'#dont care about the gold <333#SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!!!!!! I CANT FUCKING AFFORD THE SHIP PAINTS MY MAN!! WHY ARE THEY EIGHT MILLION DOUBLOONS!!!#sot#good god in heaven please grant us more ocean content soon before i go clinically insane and get put in jail amen
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Chapter 6- Seen Over Sundown
Pairings: Jake Kiszka x Reader
Genre: fluff (bf material Jake), angst
Word Count: little over 1.2 k
Warnings: once again held at sword point
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When you no longer hear the thundering of the falls on the deck above you, you reemerge from below deck. Unfortunately, Samuel is the first to spot you. Seeing you dry, he rolls his eyes as he wrings out the sleeves of his shirt.
“Afraid of a little water, are you?”
Once again, you ignore his comment as you make your way back to Jacob to give the map back. The second you spot him, you take a sharp breath in. The falls had soaked him from head to toe, his hair sticking to his forehead and cheeks as he checks his compass. His shirt clings to his body, allowing you to see every dip and curve of his soft stomach and sides. Your mind wanders unintentionally, briefly imagining kissing every part of his stomach, sinking your teeth into his skin. A violent blush settles on your cheeks as you tear your gaze back to his face, growing closer to the man and not wanting to get caught looking.
“Here you are, captain.” You say as you hold the map out to him.
He takes it, smiling. “It’s just Jacob to you, Polaris. Jake, if you want.”
You try the name out. “Jake.”
“Jake.” He repeats. “But don’t let Joshua hear you call me that, he already told me off earlier for not making you address me as “Captain Kiszka”.”
You move closer to him as he unfolds his map once more. “So, how long do we have until we make port?”
He tears his gaze away from you down to the map in his hands, realizing he had been pouring over your features as you stood closer to him than ever before.
“Two hours, I’d say.”
Across the ship, Joshua leans against the wooden railing next to Samuel.
“I cannot fucking believe Jacob is taking to Polaris just like that. He should know better than to immediately trust a random street rat that knows too much about fighting than they should.”
Joshua sighs, looking at his younger brother as he shares the same feelings.
“As long as we are on his ship, he won’t hear a word against them. Daniel’s already too trusting of them as well. Keep an eye on them, especially if they think they’re alone with Jacob or Daniel. I have a feeling they haven’t told us everything, and it will resurface soon enough.”
Samuel only nods as the two men continue to watch their brother at the helm, smiling at Polaris as he explains each part of his ship.
~
Just as Jacob, Jake, had said, the ship makes port two hours later at a crowded dock, many pirate and sailor ships alike docked to restock and trade. After surveying the ships for any unwanted familiar flags, Danny, Jake, Joshua, Samuel, and you head into the town, leaving the rest of the crew aboard the ship.
Your group begins to make its way through the town, seeing many vendors littered across the streets and selling their products. Just as you had promised, enemy pirate captains and British soldiers are nowhere to be found. You spot a produce stand, gleefully running over as you recognize their apples. Jake trails behind you, both needing to keep an eye on you and not wanting you to get separated from the group. You pick an apple up, turning it in your hands as you bring it up to inhale its intoxicating scent.
“Where are these from?”
“Imported straight from Giapan, I only have the best here.” The vendor responds with a smile.
Jake appears at your side, a small smile gracing his features as he watches you. “You like them?”
“Mhm. Danny gave me one last night on the ship. I don’t know if it was just because of my hunger but, they’re the best I’ve ever tasted.”
Jake begins rifling through his pockets before pulling out two doubloons and handing them to the vendor.
“How much will this get me?”
The man eyes the coins in his hand. “A dozen, take your pick.”
Jake pulls out a medium sized canvas bag from his jacket, handing it to you with a smile.
“Thank you, Jake.”
You accept it and begin to sort through the basket of apples, searching for the best of the best. After you’ve taken your pick, you and Jake rejoin the group as they stand off to the side of the street waiting for you.
“Can we go get the things we actually need now, Jacob?” Joshua says, annoyance thick in his tone.
Jake ignores him, already taking the lead of the group with you at his side as he makes his way through the throngs of people towards their next stop. You spend the rest of the day in town with them, going from vendor to vendor to get each item needed. Before heading back to the ship, you find yourself in a small tavern as you all sit down to eat and drink. Throughout the evening, you notice Joshua and Samuel beginning to warm up to you, seeing less glares and rolled eyes from them as you converse.
Eventually, Joshua slams his glass down onto your table dramatically.
“Alright, we really should get going now. Need to give our crew something to do and get this food to Rosanna.”
He throws a few coins onto the table before standing, the rest of your group following suit soon after. You make your way out onto the street with them, the setting sun casting golden light across the town. Jake’s shoulder bumps yours as you walk, and you look over to him to see him smile at you. You return it, continuing your path close to his side. Eventually reaching the dock, you pause to watch the sun disappear into the sea’s horizon for a moment before following the others onto the ship.
You’re met with a blade at your throat as soon as your feet hit the deck, the bag of apples immediately dropping from your shoulder as you bring your hands up. You look past the muscular pirate at the other end of the blade, seeing Jake, Danny, Joshua, and Samuel in similar positions.
“So good of you all to finally join us.” Your blood runs ice cold at the voice.
No no no no no no. This isn’t happening.
You can only see her mess of frizzy curls over the shoulder of the man in front of you, but you would recognize that voice anywhere. The pirate moves around you, keeping the blade at your throat as he stands behind you, pushing you towards the others slowly. Lady Helena stands at the center of the group, too focused on her delight of catching the others off guard to notice you.
“I told you boys that you would regret not joining me some day.”
They say nothing, all four men’s faces contorted with rage as they stared her down. She finally turns her focus to you, walking towards you with a maniacal grin on her face.
“And what do we have here?” She stops only a foot away from you, looking you over as if you were some prize. As she stares at you, her face drops into a look of confusion, stepping towards you to get a better look.
“No, it can’t be.” She grabs your chin, tilting your face to see the small scar next to your eyebrow. The scar she gave you. She lets out a gasp of awe and realization, a grin once again overtaking her features.
“It is.”
You stare daggers at her, your jaw tense as you look into her eyes.
“Hello, Helen.”
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A/N: the title, of course, is taken from the lyrics to The Indigo Streak
#greta van fleet#gvf fic#greta van fleet fan fiction#jake gvf#josh gvf#daniel gvf#sam gvf#jake kiszka x reader#pirates#pirate jake kiszka
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Madam Faux
Prologue
Aaron Hotchner x Nameless OC, John Wick x Nameless OC
Summary: An unusual case makes its way onto JJ's desk, leading the team to dig down the rabbit hole of "Kitty's" old life. That's when they discover who they've truly been working with. This blast to the past exposes all the dark things she had wanted to keep hidden. Will 'Kitty' go back to her old ways? Or her even older ones?
Word Count: 1.1K
Warnings: 18+!!! explicit language, sexual themes, weapons, blood, violence, gruesome scenes, death, strip club/stripping, assassin past life, love triangle, trauma, other adult themes.
A/N: So excited for this series, here's to the beginning of a long journey <3
I sat silently at my desk, continuing my report from our last case. As a special agent in the Behavior Analysis Unit, we see a lot of fucked up stuff. This time it was a serial grave robber turned serial killer. It was one of the weirdest cases I've been on yet. He had been so obsessed with human anatomy, he wanted to learn about it, but wanted to do it in his own way, using cadavers. But when he found it less exciting, he had resorted to fresh cadavers, ones he harvested himself. And even when that was no longer enough, he chose live ones. I had never seen so many bodies mutilated still breathing, until this particular case. Luckily we caught him, he didn’t go down without a fight though, he was shot down, instead of paying his sentence in a padded prison cell. Quite a few of our cases end this way, unfortunately, leading to tons of paperwork after.
The bullpen was quiet the past few days, not much traffic or cases passing through. We all sat at our designated cubicles and typed away, reporting everything we could remember. The tapping of everyone’s keyboard echoed through the room, slight sighs coming from us every once in a while. The faint sound of heels clicking on the floor began to grow. The quick steps meant whoever was coming our way had something important to tend to. Right as the sound stopped, a voice spoke, “We have a case, a big one.” My head shot up, meeting JJ, who was standing at full attention, a file clutched in her hand. “Meeting in five,” she added, turning on her heel and heading into the room behind her labeled ‘Conference Room.’
In seconds, Spencer shuffled a few things on his desk, and scrambled to the room. Emily stood up from next to me and scoffed, “That kid is so eager.”
“You’re telling me,” I laughed, grabbing my notebook and a pen, following Spencer’s abrupt path into the meeting area. When I made it through the door, Penelope, Dr. Spencer Reid, and Emily were sitting around the table, patiently waiting for everyone. I brushed passed JJ who was leaning against the wall, and pulled out a chair to sit in.
Once I settled into my chair I began to rummage through my notebook to find a blank page, so I could take notes, as did the others. The silence that filled the room was awkward, causing the young doctor to break into nervous habit. He slouched over the table, arms perfectly laid to each side of his binder, a black ink pen in one hand being clicked. The clicking continued, almost perfectly timed pauses in between, as the minutes went on.
“Hotch should be here soon.” Derek announced as he entered the room. He walked quickly around the front of the desk and sat in a chair, caddy corner from the head seat.
“JJ, can’t you fill us in while we wait?” Emily asked, awaiting an answer.
The young blonde pushed off the wall and cleared her throat, “I would if I could, but it was noted that Aaron had to lead, from the very beginning.” She swallowed harshly, as if she was concerned.
“Hm, that means this debriefing isn’t going to be good.” My voice spoke, partially confused. No one else said anything. We all furrowed our brows, wondering what the hell we were about to get into. I opened my mouth to speak again, but was cut off when the tall and dark haired man bounded into the space.
He seemed stressed, his face was ridden with worry. JJ stepped forward, handing the files she held, to him as he placed his things on the wooden table. “Sorry for making you wait. I had to make sure I got all the information I could. We need everyone on board, with all their attention.” His voice wavered, “Even looking over the files, I have never read of anything like this.” Opening up one of the manilla folders, he pulled out pictures and handed them to Emily, letting her view them and pass them around. “Five males and three females, found dead in their ‘extravagant’ homes. All with similar wounds and markings. A small, horizontal laceration directly in front of the neck, right at the junction between the jaw and throat.” He continued as the photos finally made their way to me. Observing the pictures, they all were quite similar. The victims lay flat on their back, beaten and bruised with their arms crossed over their chests in an ‘x’.
“They seemingly had been in a physical fight, scratches, bruises, and blood covered their bodies. If you look closely you can see an indention or mark on all their chests, which appears to be that of a high heeled shoe.” Aaron explained in detail. As I raked my eyes over the photos again, they felt very familiar to me, like I had Deja Vu. One thing stood out in the stills, all the eyes had been covered with something reflective and shiny. “Also found at the scene were gold chips, a type of currency no one has seen or heard of.” When the words left Hotch’s mouth, the photo became much more clear now. The familiarity came rushing back, bringing anxiety and worry with it. His voice threaded on, but in my mind, his words were merely gibberish, a ringing in my ears came and swept away my hearing.
Flashes of old memories flickered through my mind, ones almost exactly like had been shown. Bodies laid flat, arms crossed, and doubloons hiding their eyes. The repeating images made my heart pound, surely loud enough for the rest of the team to hear. A sweat broke out along my forehead, my skin suddenly became too hot for me, the clothes I wore felt tight and as if they were going to suffocate me. My thoughts raced, how was I going to follow this case, when I knew the answer, but couldn’t offer it.
“Kitty?” Penelope whispered my nickname, yanking me from my thoughts. I found it hard to tear my eyes away from the papers scattered on the desk before me. “Kit.” She whispered again, this time reaching her hand under the table and gripping my knee. Her touch lured my sight away from the photos and into her brown eyes. “You okay?”
Wanting to disguise my fright, I nodded as calmly as I could. Her eyebrows snapped together in suspicion and her hand left my leg. “We’ll discuss the rest on the way to New York City. Wheels up in 30.” Aaron finished, glancing between our faces, checking in on us.
My heart stopped, we were officially going to New York. The one place I left many years ago and never looked back, for many reasons. And now I would have to return and face my past.
#John wick#johnwick x reader#John wick angst#John wick au#criminal minds#criminal minds au#criminal minds x reader#criminal minds angst#aaron hotch angst#aaron hotch x reader#Aaron Hotchner#John wick x criminal minds au#criminal minds x John wick au#angst#smut#behavioral analysis unit#bau team#bau x reader#Madam Faux
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I am watching The Fog (the 1980 version, the only version), and this movie scared the shit out of me as a kid but it's really not scary. I've seen it since I was a kid, but not really paying attention. I am paying attention now and several things:
I forgot Adrienne Barbeau was the voice of 90s animated Catwoman but she plays a DJ in this and my god that voice
This story is set in a Northern California isolated little town and keeps referencing a terrible event that happened ~a hundred years ago tonight~ which means 1880, but there are gold doubloons and swords.
Someone explain the 1880s in California to John Carpenter, bless him.
The 1880s was the era of timber barons, kooky mansions, big mustaches, and extremely racist violence in Northern California. Not so much doubloons and sabers.
This movie is set up like Jaws and is basically Jaws but with vengeful ghosts and not a shark.
Janet Leigh and her daughter Jamie Lee Curtis are both in this, which prompted me to remember that they also both in Columbo episodes.
Is Father Malone supposed to be Catholic or Episcopalian? Asking since his grandfather seems to have been a priest too, and also no one in this town seems anything but WASPy.
It's weird to see the guilt narrative of "curse" movies in this context. (Let's make a horror film about people being punished for the greed of their forefathers instead of just directly addressing the shit our forefathers did in the name of greed.) Northern California residents did some awful, awful shit, but it was racial, so I guess the filmmakers were like, let's make them do horrible things, but to white people BUT--let's make it white people with leprosy. To get THAT in there which won't make it weird at all. Treating people with leprosy as the Other here (and sympathetic but still monstrous) was... a choice. But the guilt narrative of "we built our town on this horrible thing and celebrating our legacy without talking about it is bad and wrong" is very much present.
Eddie Izzard once talked about California fog (compared to English fog) and how fast it moves, comparing it to this movie. Our fog doesn't glow, but it does move fast as fuck.
~a hundred years ago~ they keep saying it like it was FOREVER AGO. lol
That voice though.
(Fun (?) fact somewhat connected to Little Wolf: Adrienne Barbeau as Catwoman sees Batman silhouetted in the light and calls him, "Magnificent" and that is basically what I made Tim say when he sees Nathaniel shirtless.)
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JUDGING RANDOMISED MONSTER HIGH/EVER AFTER HIGH SHIPS
Last night I had no internet, so I put the names of 16 MH characters and 16 EAH characters in a hat, shook it around a little and then produced all the names into 16 ships. I will then be ranking them (and maybe adding a couple of headcanons and such because this is mY POST).
Put under the cut because of how long it is.
1. Raven Queen x Hopper Croakington
Not one I expected for this and honestly, I can’t think of anything for them. They seem like the kind of ones to have gone on one date before Raven decided she doesn’t have time to deal with his inability to talk to her and constant simping over Briar.
3/10. Barely any vibes, let alone good or bad vibes :/
2. Frankie Stein x Sirena Von Boo
This one could be cute, Frankie tutoring Sirena in Mad Science and both of them slowly getting crushes on each other, though Sirena not wanting to break the bro code of not dating your friend’s ex. Both have such drastically different dumbass energies and I love it.
6/10. I can see this being a cute little relationship.
3. Johnny Spirit x Cerise Hood
Oh damn. Needless to say, Cerise would not take any of Johnny’s shit, perceived bad boy or not. I feel like they are both drastically different when they get into relationships, with Johnny being the type to make big romantic gestures, whereas Cerise is all about the small details. They would probably be p good for each other.
8/10. This is honestly really cute tbh.
4. Briar Beauty x Andy Beast
This could be funny, an opposites attract sort of situation. Briar being the extroverted thrill seeker she is, whereas Andy being a more socially awkward technologically-behind guy. I can see Briar sitting with Andy and showing him how to use various different types of teach, and Andy talking to Briar about Skull Shores and carrying her to bed when she inevitably falls asleep around him.
9/10. The Vibes are toit.
5. Daring Charming x Gigi Grant
First of all, Gigi deserves better so let’s jot that the fuck down. And I can’t really see her getting along with Daring, who would 100% try and use her for selfish wishes.
0/10. The vibes are rancid.
6. Faybelle Thorn x Clawd Wolf
Clawd does not deserve this. Faybelle would use his trusting nature and loyalty to her benefit and then dump him when his usefulness had stopped, smh. She needs to be called out on her shit.
-5/10. No.
7. Cedar Wood x Porter Geiss
YEEEEEEEES. The vibes on this are so fucking good. Just- the duo meeting because Porter’s doing some stupid shit and accidentally knocks her art supplies down and then they get started talking on art. They would 100% have dates which is just the both of them painting each other and talking and being wholesome. Porter has her back whenever she may need help and will knock anybody out who insults his beautiful girlfriend. He is the personification of that one Will Smith picture where he’s showing off his wife.
10000000000/10. Chef Kiss.
8. C.A. Cupid x Deuce Gorgon
Probably happens in a verse where he and Cleo aren’t a thing. Just talking about Greek shit™ together. The softest fucking dates. Both of them would be so fucking devoted in a relationship. I see them more as friends, but even that potential was wasted.
4/10. I can’t see them as a couple too much, but 10/10 friends.
9. Draculaura x Chase Redford.
Okay these two would be adorable, even if just aesthetically. Chase being a soft dumbass who is constantly in awe of his tiny vamp gf. She doesn’t always understand all the rules that are put in place, but she thinks it’s cute he’s so passionate about them.
7/10. Adorable
10. Alistair Wonderland x Vandala Doubloons.
Adventure buddies to lovers. Alistair showing Vandala around Wonderland and generally helping her trust solids, let alone humans more. They would probably develop a lot of inside jokes nobody else would get. Vandala teaching Alistair to swordfight for that romantic tension. Dumbasses who just love adventure and accidentally fell in love along the way.
9/10. Pretty hecking sweet.
11. Hunter Huntsman x Duchess Swan
Unless it’s some sort of Rivals to friends to lovers it wouldn’t happen. They might be interesting with the dichotomy of hunter / animal that can often be hunted. Hunter would probably have his work cut out making Duchess a semi-decent person.
6/10. Sweet concept but I can’t see it from where they are in the series.
12. Operetta x Darling Charming
Strong independent lady musician x Strong independent lady knight. I LOVE IT. They would be such an iconic power couple and honestly, we stan. Operetta taking no shite from the Charming family about what a woman should or shouldn’t be and setting them in their places. I adooooore this.
10/10. It’s amazing.
13. Maddie Hatter x Venus McFlytrap
Venus would be dumbfounded by most of the shit Maddie says, but probably would appreciate the help that Maddie could and likely would provide for the cause of preserving the flora of the planet. She’d likely love to hear about Wonderland and the plants there.
7/10. Good vibes.
14. Heath Burns x Dexter Charming
Awkward nerd x extroverted dumbass is an amazing trope. Heath and Dexter becoming flustered dumbasses around one another, but not realising as all their friends try and explain that they like each other. Heath would 100% be the one to confess first because it’s Heath™. Just… soft, stupid dumbasses.
8/10. Good bois. I’m lov.
15. Cleo deNile x Lizzie Hearts.
UTTER POWER COUPLE. The energy these girls have together is wonderful. Two powerful princesses who would utterly rule wherever they saw fit. Someone tries to insult Lizzie, they get roasted to filth by Cleo and if they try anything with Lizzie? Off with their head. They are both so sweet towards each other, with Lizzie making outfits for Cleo whenever she asks for it and Cleo being down to model for her girlfriend whenever she asks. They’re both so in love and soft for each other, though may have a couple of fights because they both have such strong personalities, though would always make it out the other end stronger for it
100/10
16. Sparrow Hood x Hoodood Voodoo
I can’t really see this one, I can see them maybe being friends but… anything beyond that isn’t really.
1/10
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After hearing nothing for a while, and feeling stiff, I decided it was safe to move. At the exact same second, a man stepped out of the jungle nearby. He boldly approached me, looked me slowly up and down, and said, “Well, well, well. We are full of surprises, aren’t we?”
The man was dressed in a black shirt and pants. He was very handsome, but in a darker, more swarthy way than Ren. His skin was antique-bronze, and his hair was ink-black, longer than Ren’s, but also swept back from his face and slightly curled.
His eyes were gold with specks of copper. I tried to identify the color. I’d never seen anything like it before. They were like pirate gold— the color of gold doubloons. In fact, pirate was a good way to describe him. He looked like the kind of guy who might be found gracing the cover of a historical romance novel, playing the part of a dark lothario. As he smiled at me, his eyes crinkled slightly at the corners.
Houck, Colleen. Tiger's Curse (Book 1 in the Tiger's Curse Series) (pp. 240-241). Splinter. Kindle Edition.
Okay, let’s get this out of the way: Lothario should be capitalized.
Did you make the bad boy traitor brother literally darker skinned than his Noble Good brother, Houck? Did you seriously do that?
I don’t think I need to explain why that is a shitty, racist thing to do, but in light of the Not Like Other Indian-ing Ren got I do not know why I am surprised.
Fuck you anyway, Houck.
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Guess what? We’re onto the Thieves in Time rewrite Episode 2: Go West Young Raccoon! And before we start, can I say that Tennessee was my favorite in the game? Because he was.
Onto the rewrite! Featuring an OC and a special guest appearance!:
The Cooper Gang ends up in the old west, where Tennessee Kid Cooper should be. However, much like Japan, things are odd.
Sly goes out for recon, and finds out about Tennessee being arrested, and a new Sheriff in town, Toothpick. Unfortunately, when Sly makes his way back to the hideout, he is followed. Fortunately, the one who followed will be an ally!
As soon as he gets back, the door is kicked open by a female Coyote, who points a gun at them and demands answers. The Gang tries to play dumb, but she says she already figured out some things. Toothpick's men have mentioned Time Travel. And while she thought it was the alcohol talking, Sly is definitely a Cooper. She has plenty of puzzle pieces, she just wants them to put them together.
After admitting and explaining that yes, Time Travel is a thing, the Coyote puts her guns away and tells them she's George, local saloon owner and a friend of Tennessee's.
George wanted to go in guns blazing as soon as Tennessee got arrested, but figured that might be a bad idea and has been gathering information through her saloon. She's especially laying low because Toothpick is looking for her.
When asked how she's hiding in plain sight so well, she just says "Toothpick's looking for a 'Miss Georgia Darrow', not 'George the bartender'!". Basically, no one in town knows her real full name. And the few who were smart enough to connect the dots like her too much to hand her over.
They still end up with the "let's break Tennessee out by getting Sly arrested" plan. Though with George in on the jailbreak, it's easier to convince Tennessee to trust Sly. Mostly because she tells them to just hand Tennessee the communicator instead of skirting around the subject.
After getting Tennessee out, the next plan is getting his gun back. However, the plot is derailed a little because he slips and says they need to "get his gun and ring back". Everyone asks "what ring?" And he gets a little shifty but eventually confesses.
Turns out, Tennessee had planned to propose to George after the bank heist. But then he got arrested and since the ring was in his pocket, it was confiscated as 'evidence'. George is kinda touched but also extra pissed at Toothpick for fucking up the proposal.
Since I rewrote it so Carmelita is already with the Gang, we skip the missions where they have to rescue her and then everyone gets captured and she has to rescue them. (Also, since Tennessee is taken, and the Sly/Carmelita fight isn't relationship breaking, they don't have whatever they had in the game). Toothpick also doesn't steal the van.
This is instead replaced with Sly ending up meeting the one character he really did NOT want to confront on this adventure, Clockwerk.
Clockwerk shows up while Sly is attempting to do one of the other setup jobs. He looks a little different, his mechanical body matching the technology of the time. But still, even as he approaches, Sly knows there’s probably not a second mechanical owl haunting his family.
Clockwerk is less hostile and more curious. He mentions seeing Sly and his gang in other Times, foreshadowing the other episodes, and had yet to interfere. But he can only stay in the shadows and observe for so long.
Sly decides to tell the truth, but play what he knows about Clockwerk. He says that an enemy is attacking the Coopers through Time, and Sly gets to fix it. However, it would be a bad idea for Clockwerk to take advantage of it. After all, his History is intertwined with the Cooper Family. Messing with it could spell his own demise.
Clockwerk ponders that, but wonders if it wouldn’t be worth it to end their feud here and now, striking while they’re distracted. Sly’s just all ‘where’s the fun in that?’. After all, Clockwerk wants to prove he’s better than the Coopers and their legacy. Going after them when another villain has taken them down? That’s not much of a victory.
While considering that, Sly plays another card. He tells Clockwerk that, if anything, he should be helping them. Obviously Clockwerk is annoyed and insulted by the suggestion. But Sly asks ‘are you really going to let someone other than you take us down? Are you going to let them succeed where you have failed?”
Clockwerk chuckles at this, but agrees that he will stay out of it. Preserving his own legacy and destroying the Coopers on his terms will come eventually.
After that, Sly goes back to the hideout to have a mini-breakdown because hello ptsd! He was shoving his panic down in the moment but now that he’s safe he’s like ‘Okay, I’m just gonna… take a nap. Knock right the hell out!’.
Tennessee comments on how he don’t blame him for that. Clockwerk is one of the few things the Coopers are worried about, in the long run. The rest of the Gang is a little curious. They all dealt with Clockwerk as an enemy, but they don’t know what the story is behind it. What is Clockwerk’s issue with the Coopers?
Tennessee admits he doesn’t completely know. That info didn’t get written down anywhere, probably because whichever Cooper started this didn’t think the old bird would stick around so long. What he does know is there was some sort of betrayal involved. That’s the only kind of thing that could make someone hate with enough passion for immortality. But he has no idea which Cooper started it or what the whole mess is about.
Back to your regularly scheduled plot!
Train heist goes mostly the same except the breaks on the van are fine so they don't make a hasty time jump. But Tennessee’s gun is taken again.
They find out that the next place the Gang has to go is to the time of swashbuckling pirates with Henriette 'one-eye' Cooper! Yeah I mentioned that I'm replacing two of the levels completely and one is Bob because while I like prehistoric levels… it doesn't make sense for the story. (Seriously. The Thievius Raccoonus only goes back to ancient Egypt! Even if the family were Master Thieves before making the book, even to the point of 10,000 BC, there would be no record of it for Le Paradox to use!!!)
Anyway, George managed to help with this because Toothpick and his goons paid for their drinks in some gold doubloons.
Carmelita also drops off Toothpick in the Present. Her bosses are like "wtf? You just dropped off El Jefe five minutes ago how did you-" and she just deadpans "Time Travel. Long story. Might have some more here in a few minutes. Well. A few minutes for you guys.". Her bosses are so confused.
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Poptropica Island Ratings
okay I saw a post on here a while ago and someone rated the Poptropica islands. I remember agreeing with a lot of them, but they only went so far so a lot of the newer islands were missed out. I came across it again recently and got hit by a wave of nostalgia so I’m gonna do my own now. Unoriginal content very good. i’ll put a keep reading link to stop it from taking up too much space
Early Poptropica - mega nostalgia but kinda boring. I like the original Poptropicans being pixely and there is a goth gf in the sewers however the giant green spider scared the shit out of me as a kid and the idea of an aircraft graveyard made me sad so 6/10
Shark Tooth Island - also nostalgic but I didn’t complete it for a long time for some reason.. very short. it has a story but its there is nasty shark and people stuck on an island so make a calming potion. the medicine man looks like he is from viva pinata so 6/10
Time Tangled Island - VERY GOOD AND FUN AND HISTORICAL FUCK THAT AZTEC THO DICKHEAD. quite lengthy for an island but this is good because that means more time periods to explore. it’s also educational but i just care about restoring time. very legendary the iconic just jumped out - 10/10
24 Carrot Island - stupid pun point taken off. introduces Dr Hare and people are THIRSTY. you can dye your hair with milkshakes. i thought it was creepy as a kid honestly. i think its mind control or something. but i like it, it still has nostalgia value 8/10
Super Power Island - very legend like. i loooove the antagonists, especially copy cat but i think i had to look up a guide to beat her because i was dumb af. you need a licence to be a superhero but you are a superhero!!! very fun i like this one a lot 10/10
Spy Island - i remember sucking at this one as well as a kid. i think it fucks with peoples hair and i only remember because my character looks fresh 100% of the time and this island fucked it up i think. i don't really remember it tho. 5/10
Nabooti Island - it’s based on a Choose Your Own Adventure book so good premise. go around the world is also good. you have to get jewels i think. ngl i didn’t finish this one because i sucked at it so i’m just going off the wiki and how far i got into it. fuck the animal puzzle 7/10
Big Nate Island - who the fuck is Big Nate. i only remember the school climbing frame and a stink bomb. fuck you big nate we don’t have your comics in England 1/10
Astro-Knights Island - medieval knights.... IN SPACE?!?! COUNT ME IN. crazy jester bard guy antagonist. people are thirsty for him too. i’m pretty sure you end up in another dimension or something. cyborgs and shit 9/10
Counterfeit Island - bruh i loved this island. pretty sure antagonist is also making people thirsty. you have to go back to Early Poptropica Island to complete it, very cool. investigating crime is cool idea it’s l.a. noire in poptropica. the wiki says there is a glitch called anti-social clown and i have to say relatable 9/10
Reality TV Island - i think i completed this like twice and i remember jackshit. you get to see past characters tho so very good. it’s just doing challenges. 4/10
Mythology Island - VERY GOOD. LEARN ABOUT MYTHOLOGY. you can fight hydra and other creatures, you meet Zeus you meet Hades, Aphrodite is a bitch. 9/10
Skullduggery Island - pirates are always good no matter what. apparently it is one of the hardest islands which explains why i never completed it but you fight other pirates and sea monsters for doubloons or some shit sounds cool to me 8/10
Steamworks Island - steampunk is good. i remember completing this and thinking it was interesting and weird to look at. i think the atmosphere is was lonely tho. there’s a boss battle against a plant i think. otherwise i don’t fuckin remember 7/10
Great Pumpkin Island - it’s Peanuts so it’s nice. very nice and simple. it’s just about the great pumpkin except you’re there. 6/10
Cryptids Island - GOD TIER. CRYPTIDS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA. some of it is scary tho. the jersey devil just fucking staring at you from the window was a shit the bed moment for a kids game. also before the islands got rebooted, it was one of the only islands to have sound effects, i.e. when the chupacabra bursts out the box. honestly because of the balls on this kids game to scare children and also being good island 10/10
Wild West Island - the only thing better than pirates is cowboys. i don’t really remember it but you do go against an outlaw gang. i like cowboys 10/10
Wimpy Wonderland Island - Jeff I know you made doawk and poptropica but did you have to show it. ngl i liked it because i like doawk. but it’s kinda... creatively bankrupt i guess. 3/10 2 points because Rodrick is there
Red Dragon Island - i think more time travel but just to old Japan. you have to save a girl. that’s all i remember. also i think there is a nasty samurai guy. but also evil dragon. i can’t remember because for the longest time this was a premium account only island so i never got to finish it for the longest time. that was a dick move 7/10 for that alone.
Shrink Ray Island - cool premise but this island expects me to learn morse code 3/10
Mystery Train Island - detectives? on a train? very nice. basically murder on the orient express except no murder and thomas edison is there and also various other 1700/1800 nerds
Game Show Island - basically Reality TV except it’s to save the world from robots. 5/10
Ghost Story Island - wow iconic. this is the only island with voice acting and it’s to fucking jumpscare you i shat myself. ghost hunting, very cool 10/10
S.O.S Island - it’s basically Titanic mixed with Moby Dick. it’s ok 6/10
Vampire’s Curse Island - i reaaaally like this one. i like vampires. it has a vampire daddy in it so. he kidnaps a teenage girl tho because he thinks its the love of his life who is dead. kinda weird. he does stop being insane at the end tho and says sorry and dies. the girls bf is a dickhead tho. 9/10
Twisted Thicket Island - i think you’re saving a forest from becoming housing. i really like it because it introduces various folkloric creatures like the nokken. i only remember the nokken because i went on akinator to see if he knew what it was and i don’t think he did so i added it and it’s photo to his database. or maybe it was just his photo but i remember uploading something to akinator. 8/10
Poptropolis Games Island - i don’t think i liked this one 3/10
Wimpy Boardwalk Island - Jeff. 2/10 1 point added because Rodrick is also there
Lunar Colony Island - space is good. do i remember this island tho? no. i think theres aliens tho. 5/10 because i like space and aliens.
Super Villain Island - it brings back the most memorable villains like binary bard and black widow. you find out why they are evil. pretty chill 8/10
Charlie and The Chocolate Factory Island - what do you expect 5/10
Zomberry Island - the last of us except i think people are just eating nasty berries really. i like it it’s spooky 7/10
Night Watch Island - Paul Blart Mall Cop 6/10
Back Lot Island - you make a film. i can’t remeber it like at all. 6/10 because it sounds ok
Poptropolis Games Island Part 2 - fuck off 2/10
Virus Hunter Island - i don’t think i completed this one either. however it is one of those inside the human body things which is always cool if cliche. 8/10
Mocktropica Island - very satirical what if about if poptropica was run by assholes. ironic since a bunch of islands were made premium only for a while. pretty sure the bonus missions still are too which is why i’m not mentioning them. funny tho 7/10
Monster Carnival Island - spooky yes. people thirst over the ringmaster raven guy too. theres a spooky clown on the ferris wheel. i don’t remember much other than i liked it because it was about monsters in a theme park. 9/10 i remember it was surprisingly short tho
Survival Island - castaway except it’s you. i don’t remember it either lmao. i got out of touch with old poptropica real bad by this time so my next ratings might be unfair sorry. pretty sure it also becomes the most dangerous game tho and some guy wants to actually fucking kill you. ballsy. 7/10 because it sounds ok i should maybe play it.
Mission Atlantis Island - i like atlantis but i didn’t play this one either. you see deepsea creatures which are spooky so extra points 8/10
PoptropiCon Island - poptropica’s answer to comicon. now i did play this one for some reason but i don’t remember it too well either. i was 14 when it came out so. sounds like yu-gi-oh so good. 7/10
Arabian Nights Island - didn’t play it i think it’s just telling the story. it’s a cool story so 7/10
Galactic Hotdogs Island - what the fuck 1/10
Mystery of The Map Island - vikings are cool. island seems very short tho. 5/10
Timmy Failure Island - who the fuck. this would be more impactful if i read these fucking things but i don’t. who the fuck are you timmy. i guess it’s called failure for a reason. (that was mean sorry) 1/10
Escape from Pelican Rock Island - prison break, nice idea. you have like a twin in this one. seems a bit repetitive sometimes tho. theres like 7 days of doing similar things. 6/10
Monkey Wrench Island - it was created to be the new tutorial, i.e. an actual tutorial rather than Early Poptropica. very fast and boring, especially if you already know everything. 2/10
Crisis Caverns Island - i know nothing about this. even the wiki is incomplete. maybe that means its shit then. 1/10 the wiki doesn’t even care too much about this one.
Greek Sea Odyssey - more ancient greece is always good. you get to beat the shit out of zeus this time 8/10
Snagglemast Island - all you do is collect coins. another tutorial one. 1/10.
bonus: home island. legit just a hub. points added because you can do a lot of customisation here and pick up a pet that doesn’t cost credits. 4/10
DOUBLE BONUS: the little haunted house mini thing. very good because spooky costumes, spooky house fun little monster party. 10/10
#poptropica#feel free to add your opinions#do you agree#or disagree#i get unfair because i stopped playing a loooong time ago#tho i sometimes jump on#if you see me i'm called chilly skull#edgy i know but i made it when i was 7#poptropica islands#this felt like writing a goddamn essay enjoy
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Soulmate AU: DK! Arno Dorian x Reader 3/4
Y/n was woken up by someone gently running their hand along her head. Her e/c eyed opened adjusted to find the culprit was Arno, she hissed when his fingers grazed along the bump causing her yelp her bodyguard muttered an apology,
And without warning the french man pulled her against him, Y/n’s face felt hot wondering why Arno was hugging her so suddenly? then she felt his other hand firmly grasped her right shoulder..She looked down noticed it was slightly dislodged and realized what Arno was intending to do…“Hey wai-ngh!” she started to protest only to yelp when he popped the dislocated limb back into place, the french man hissed feeling her pain and her nails dig into his shoulder.
He apologized again and after making sure she wasn’t sick or dizzy he let loose on her. “I told you to stay put!” he growled harshly pointing his finger at Y/n who was examining her hook blade making sure it didn’t break.
“And I did, unfortunately some guards recognized me!” she said calmly before telling him what was she supposed to do, stand in the street like idiot let them kill her? fuck that!
"You weren’t there to help, So I ran!“ she exclaimed throwing her good arm up exasperation, Arno was about to argue but bit his tongue she was right, even if she had the means to fight back, it would’ve alerted the others and Y/n would’ve been in even more trouble.
"Did you get the manuscript?"
"No, but I did find a list, it said we find someone named Leon at an old red house.”
“I know where that is, C'mon I’m parked outside of it.”
“Parked?”
“Extended Inn stays are expensive, So, I have a Vardo."
Arno gave her look he didn’t know what that was, "I’s kind of like a wagon mix with a cottage?” she tried to describe what a Vardo was the french man was having a rough time imagining it, They began to climb down the roof via ladder and wandered the streets avoiding Rose’s men.
She then explained that one of her excavations crossed paths with a Romani caravan traveling to Britain but, they noticed that one of the girl’s had disappeared, her Vardo was abandoned and all her belongings were gone!
They feared she was kidnapped or dead somewhere…The authorities wouldn’t help as they outsiders and were contently under scrutiny by the upper class and the church; Y/n never fancied herself a detective but, she was the closest thing they had to one. So, she put her job aside to help the gypsies, It was strenuous task whenever Y/n found a lead, a new mystery would pop up but that didn’t stop her,
The y/hc woman eventually came to the conclusion that the girl was taken by someone…And that someone had a lot influence and friends, who were loyal and weren’t talking. So, the archaeologist used a fake doubloon she had whipped up to bribe one of her suspects…he pointed her to a little hamlet near the border, and got the hell outta of there before the man realized it just a tampered copper coin.
Y/n finally found the girl alive,married and pregnant, turns out she and a wealthy family’s son were soulmates, Both knew their families would never allow it, So She packed up and sold all of her belongings and they eloped, then settled into a simple farm life, It was obvious neither of them were planning on leaving their new home. So Y/n comprised with the couple, in the end Y/n returned to the camp with a letter addressed to her family and a necklace to be used as proof that she found the girl.
And though the family was happy the girl was alive they were upset that she wasn’t coming home, also there was the issue regarding Y/n’s payment at first the y/ht woman refused it was obvious the camp didn’t have much; so it felt wrong to take their money! Turns out they weren’t talking about money, the now not missing girl knew her camp wouldn’t have the funds to pay Y/n, So she offered her Vardo up as accommodation.
“And here she is.” Y/n mused mused towards a colorful wagon parked across the road of a red building, Arno cocked a brow as the h/c climbed up the mini porch and unlocked the small door he glanced inside, it was cozy? if he was using the word right the was a loft bed over the desk, a fireplace and pictures and research notes scattered around the small space and Y/n scurried around the place checking compartments and books, Arno’s brow furrowed when he found a framed scorched parchment with schematics written in Italian for some sort of gun? maybe.
The paper was too burnt to read.“Uh, please be careful with that, I found it in Monteriggioni and it’s very fragile!" Y/n stated warily as the french man put the frame back. "What exactly are you looking for?” He asked watch her scuttle through the small space. “Just some precautions should we ever get separated during our excursion…” She hummed before telling him to go check the orphanage she’ll join him in a moment. Arno complied and knocked on the red house door a small hatch slip open and a man glared at Arno.
“Bonjour Is Leon here?”
“He ain’t here.”
“*knocks again*”
“He ain’t here we haven’t see him for days..”
The man went to close the hatch "Has he been arrested again?“a stern voice chimed in from behind Arno the assassin looked behind him to see an older woman holding a candle looking at the man warily as Y/n exited her locked up her Vardo and approached them. "Not that we know of.” He said incredulously as the woman turn to Y/n and regard the sharply the h/c shifted uncomfortably before turning back to Arno.
"A lot of people would like to see his hands cut off..He’s a vicious thief..“ she muttered the last part somewhat proud as the two kept their eyes on her. "We need his help.” Arno insisted as the woman went to light her porch lantern up. “He went out the window yesterday, I haven’t seen him since.” She frowned and closed the lantern. “Give him my name. Madam Margot…” Aron thanked her and he and Y/n went to search as Margot spoke"And please tell him to come home.“ she begged as the archaeologist silently nodded and followed after her bodyguard.
[Timeskip.]
"Of course it’s him…” Y/n whispered in annoyed while rubbing her temples, she should’ve known Leon was the boy who kept following her like a lost puppy. “I take it you know him? Arno sighed tiredly as he crossed his arms, they watched the scene down below, "Long story, I saved his life and he won’t leave me alone…I think he has a crush on me.” She grumbled then her eyes widened stunned, Arno cocked a brow and looked to see what caught her eye and was equally shocked to see Napoleon Bonaparte enter the cavern.
the statesman regarded the child with mild interest before taking out a glowing key from his pocket and comparing it to the carving. as Leon on struggled and demanded to know what was behind the door, Commandant silenced the boy and left Rose to bring him back topside, Rose waited till after Napoleon was gone from sight did Rose order his men kill Leon!
Y/n stood up from her hiding spot she may find the boy a bit vexing, but that didn’t mean she wanted to see him dead! She was about to climb down Arno for to pull her back he didn’t even have to tell her stay as he hop down intending to surprise the men only for Leon to give away his presence, the men were swiftly taken care of by Arno again setting off alarms in Y/n’s head something about his ruthlessness…She subconsciously brought her left hand over her right shoulder, as images of her murder attempt flashed in her mind bit her lip hard causing it to bleed.
Arno felt his lip sting and called out to the archaeologist to come down, she didn’t answer; the first time he thought she run off again, he growled and climb back up instead she found her staring off into space looking wrong. “Y/n?” he said cautiously she didn’t answer and when he went to touch her the y/wt girl suddenly jumped and slap his hand away from her looked at him terrified…like caged animal about be killed.
Unlike in Paris… Arno was sober and coherent, his face felt hot as his heart pounded against his chest; his stomach was in a twist as Shame, anger and disgust towards himself washed over the assassin like cold bucket of water, the two looked at each other incredulously before Y/n seem to snap out of her trance; looked around like she’d woke up from a nap…
“A-Arno..” She stammered as he noticed him watching her warily his hands were shaking, why was he so jittery? she tasted iron…was her lip bleeding? she wipe her mouth saw red on her sleeve why was she bleeding… then she remembered; Leon! “The boy-” she went to see but was cut by her bodyguard.
“He’s fine.."Arno said trying to keep his voice even, as He silently helped her down Leon looked very happy to see her! nearly drag the y/hc woman down the corridor, He led them through the catacombs and would switch between the two adults asking Arno where he learned to fight and Y/n if she travel a lot what it’s like living in her wagon?
Their answers weren’t as glamorous as the boy pictured, Arno’s answers were curt and short, and although Y/n humored him a bit, letting him look through one of her journals, let him know yes it’s exciting, but it can be very exhausting working alone and dangerous…She’s made quite a few enemies on the road and tries not to stay long.
She had a feeling Leon wasn’t listening; he seemed engrossed in her sketches, even Arno found himself curiously glancing over the boy’s shoulder to see a sketch of a what appeared to be man with no head riding a black horse while holding a flaming pumpkin in the air. [Un canular évident] was crossed out, Je ne comprends pas! sloppily written in it’s place.
Leon gave the journal back looking a looking a bit unnerved by it. Y/n stored it back in her bag as the boy lead them to a small crypt and moved a rotted corpse fro a small in the wall and pulled out this huge gun. Surprising the hell out of Arno and Y/n "Where did you get that?” the assassin said stunned as he took it from the boy the archaeologist moved out of the way as Arno looked down the sights. “I stole it from some raiders, yesterday… hid it here.” Leon boasted as the man admired the feel and size of the gun…
Y/n thought something funny about men and gun size in her head causing her to giggle out loud "Something you’d like to share?…“ Arno asked cocking a brow, Y/n’s cheeks heated up as looked Leon then at Arno. "Oh, Just a little…Pistol humor.” She chortled it took a moment for the assassin to catch on and tried to be offended. “Oh, really now! We’re in a crypt woman!” he chided with a slight snort trying not to laugh, confusing Leon who was wondering what had gotten into the two adults?
Seriously what was the joke? "…and it’s a good size!“ Arno hissed lowly so the boy couldn’t hear. "The fact that you have to tell me about your pistol size means it’s not up to scale.~” She whispered teasingly causing him blush and glower at her about to snap that his pistol size was none of her business! before remembering Leon was still watching, immediately composed himself and instead flicked her in the forehead.
Then turned their attention back to the boy and Y/n had to ask what exactly he was doing with that gun? Which Leon happily declared he was saving France! Y/n and Arno locked eyes for a brief second. Needless the y/ht girl didn’t like how a light went off in the french man’s head as he followed after the excitable child.
He again asked for the manuscript and lied telling Leon it was for the fight against the enemies of France and the boy ate it up, her stomach twisted as the boy looked at the y/st woman for confirmation she hesitantly nodded and with that Leon told them it was in his fortress and that they had to escape the catacombs first.
While they followed after Leon who decided to act as a distraction so Arno could get the jump on the guards; he went to give Y/n his gun but the archaeologist said she’ll be fine, while they were making they’re way to Leon’s location Arno sighed looked back at her. “What was that back there, It was like you weren’t here?” he asked Y/n sighed “Sorry I didn’t tell you everything about my murder attempt…” she swallowed a lump that had formed in her throat.
“That day …I was saved by my soulmate, but it wasn’t fairytale like situation…he was a monster,” Y/n lips twitched trying not to cry. "Rejecting me the first time wasn’t enough, he had to humiliate and traumatize me.“ She croaked Arno heart sank into his feet, she went explain how she was accused of killing the men who tried to murder her.
The day before her execution someone paid her fines and had her arm tended to; though it was very obvious there was no fixing it was too damaged, that's how Y/n and the Marque became… Acquainted.
He freed her and said he’ll expect her lend him her skills services should the time come. "And here I am…” After that she started noticing she would kind of faded in and out from time to time reliving her encounter in the alley,she went to a doctor to try figure what these “Daymares were?
They concluded they she may have some form of hysteria, but she was deemed too cognitive and alert to be admitted to an asylum; considering she went there to get assessed at her own free will, She had to push it aside focused on her work, the episodes became less Y/n assumed she was back to normal. "Je suis disole…” Arno said hoarsely Y/n just looked at him bemused. “Don’t be be it’s not like you had anything to do with it.” Arno’s jaw tighten under his scarf as the two went o find Leon…
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Arno drunkenly described his soulmate to the Marque de sade before he fled Paris, so the sadist noble got to asking his informants to keep an eye out for woman matching her description, found out she was in prison for a crime she never committed and was set for execution, luckily he had ties on the inside so it was easy to pay off Y/n's fines and free the girl... though he expected a debt in return.
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Notes: Un canular évident = An obvious hoax.
Je ne comprends pas! = I don’t understand!
[I’d know know because I am french! francophone Canadian but still…]
#assassin's creed unity#assassin's creed x reader#arno dorian x reader#soulmate au#dead kings#leon assassin's creed#arno dorian
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Fuck
@backtothefuturefan88 I knew it was gonna be asked eventually but fuck I need to rewatch the original season before I answer so I can go through because it’s a big thing but a few key points that would be changed
-Scrap the romantic plotlines(The marriage, and Jaya getting back together)
-If anything goes down for Jay and Nya’s relationship, it’s going to be repairing the friendship.
Now, focusing on Nadakhan and plot plot.
-COMPLETE OVER HALL ON HIS DESIGN
-I like it, don’t get me wrong, I’m keeping most of it. But I need to figure out how to change up his color scheme to either fit red or black. Probably black for King of Djinns, but anyway.
-He doesn’t get that creepy obsession with Nya over how she looks like Dilara, but he does feel sorrow looking at her because of the resemblance, which really just makes it more likely that she gets away because he can’t pull himself together. THis is going to be important at the end of the season.
-Most of his part of the season stays the same up until the point is handing over the Soul Sword, Nadakhan making a vow to gather the strength with it to resurrect Djinnjago and the Cursed realm, which would actually feed into a point that if one realm is destroyed, it creates a domino as all of them are connecting. When one is destroyed they all come tumbling down eventually.
-On the return to Ninjago, Nadakhan becomes deadset on his goal, first choosing to focus on getting a hold on Elemental masters that get in his way.
-This leads to the confrontation with Zane. As the Master Of Ice and a Nindroid, he most definitely has the upper hand. Now, one thing to add is that the crew of Misfortune’s Keep holds higher importance to capturing the ninja instead of tricking them into “Wishing It All Away”. What happens with this is somewhat centered on Clancee, he’s the least recognizable as screaming “PIRATE” in your face, and a serpentine hybrid. to help separate Zane from the ninja by playing on curiosity about it. honestly, I’m trying to think of a way to really flesh things out but I’m trying to keep this short
-Nadakhan picks off elemental masters for there power, adding it to his own. Which has a point to leading to the soul sword driving him power crazy. Which would be lead into, episode by episode as we would actually get to see a decent to a more crazed state, leading to him forgetting the vow and seeking only to continue this tyrant attack on Ninjago. Think Ifrits from DnD.
-The crew slowly starts to split from Nadakhan, no one quite leaving yet but people like Doubloon and Clancee are bordering on it as Nadakhan’s spree of power craze.
-At about this time, Jay is caught by the pirates. It sticks to some of the similar points to it, Jay being forced to fight the crew. One small detail though is that Doubloon doesn’t fight Jay, rather avoiding the area altogether and sticking to his quarters.
-Clancee and Doubloon assist Jay in escaping the ship during the night, explaining how Nadakhan has changed and (more Clancee on this point) pirating wasn’t as fun as it used to be with how the Cap’n has changed. Clancee and Jay really do hit it off though, friendship wise. Clancee gives Jay the eyepatch and the three are sneaking off the ship, Jay is still frazzled though.
-Now, I’m trying to focus on the pirates for the most part here, but Jay is going to have a big arc about accepting that he and Nya aren’t meant to be and maybe the future in the ice was just one timeline of many.
-Focusing on my boys Clancee and Doubloon now, it takes a while for the few remaining Ninja to really trust them.
-Here we find out one fact, the Tiger Widow venom being a Djinn’s weakness was a lie that Nadakhan fed into during the early days of his pirating. Clancee telling them, while filled with paranoia about being caught and stuffed in the sword, that they need to trap Nadakhan somewhere cold, where Djinns are naturally weakened by the surrounding area. ANd more importantly, they need to make a bet. Djinn are competitve by nature, and even one that’s gone power mad will still take up a bet to prove that their is nothing they can’t do.
I’m gonna add onto this tomorrow but these are some of my first ideas on how to overhaul this season.
Real chance I'll just overhaul and make this post more coherent in the morning but still.
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Wrote another fun fic involving the Fusion Dimension and how this arc is killing me
“Love Letters From Synchro” 2.4k
Shinji’s just calling to check in on Crow. Nothing worse than getting sent to voicemail, right?
Crow sat on the boat, Reira leaning on his leg, fast asleep. He was listening to the wind as it swept the ocean. He had heard the ocean traveling from the Commons to the City, but never this close up. The thrum, the bird squawks, the beeping- wait, that wasn’t the ocean; that was his disc. The beeping woke up Reira, who scootched away from the noise, closer to Tsukikage, who was starboard. Crow managed to pick it up by the second ring. “Hello?”
“Crow!” Of course it was Shinji calling. “I wasn’t sure if it would let me call you this far away. What time is it? Are we the same time zone? Don’t tell me it’s nighttime and I woke you up- sorry!”
A laugh. “Nah, I’m good, Shinji,” He nodded at Tsukikage and Reira, moving away to continue talking. “I’m pretty surprised they work too, actually- oh, and it’s 9am. You?”
Shinji nodded on the other side on the conversation. “9am here too. Good thing it’s consistent. It’d be a bitch to convert the time every time I wanted to call you.”
Crow giggled quietly. “Language, mister. Reira’s here.”
“Sorry, sorry. I’ll try to remember.”
Reiji made a neck cutting gesture, pointing at the upcoming ship- wait was that a pirate ship? “Gotta go, babe; I’m gonna fight some pirates.”
“Bring me back a doubloon,” Shinji laughed.
“I’ll see what I can do. Call me back later,” Crow cooed, hanging up his disc. He summoned out Raikiri- just in case.
Shingo lied against the grass. His duel disc was destroyed- thank a lot for that- and Crow’s disc sat on his chest. Held in front of his face was Crow’s card. He didn’t look scared like all the others that were carded. Right before it all happened, he tossed the disc to Shingo. As if it was more important to keep safe than himself. Shingo squeezed his eyes shut, sighing as he kept the card close. He couldn’t lose it. Protecting it was his responsibility. It was his fault this happened.
From his chest, Crow’s disc rang. In a panic, Shingo muted the disc. Silently calling was “Honey” with an obnoxious amount of bee and honeypot emojis. That was his boyfriend right? What was his name? It was similar, but nowhere as pretty as “Shingo” ...oh yeah, Shinji. That was it. A message popped up saying “Going To Voicemail”. Curious, Shingo unmuted it.
“Heya Crow!” Shinji’s voice chimed. Shingo had remembered Shinji’s voice from when they were underground, but he was nowhere as chipper back then. “Just tucked the kids in, they miss you very much.” Is this all? Shingo had half the nerve to pick up and say Crow wasn’t available at the time and he should try again later, but he was snapped out of his anger, hearing a sniffle. “We all do, ya know. Now I know how you feel when I don’t come home for days on end.” Shingo was silent. He knew what that was like. Some days his dad wouldn’t come back, leaving him alone for the night. He’d practically have to beg his friends to stay over those nights; he couldn’t stand it. Shinji laughed, choking a little. “Please call me back soon- oh and look! I didn’t swear for you. I’m getting better, I promise.” With that, Shinji ended the call. A small mailbox icon popped up, saving the message. Crow would get to listen to it later. Right?
Shingo barely got any sleep. He had slept on his side, head on Gongenzaka’s chest, with Gongenzaka’s arm covering his neck, entrapping him. He must have caught him shaking in his sleep and tried is best to restrain him. In Shingo’s arms was the disc; in his pocket, Crow’s card. He dared not jostle it; what if they still felt pain while in the cards?
He struggled to get out, only to be interrupted by Crow’s disc beeping again. Had he forgotten to mute it after the first message? The noise woke up Gongenzaka, who fortunately released Shingo. “Is that yours?” He asked, “shouldn’t you pick it up?”
Shingo shook his head, wiping the tears he must have leaked in his sleep. “I just… let it ring.”
They did, the disc presenting the same “Going To Voicemail” it displayed last night. “I was so sure you would have called, ya know,” Shinji hummed into the receiver. Gongenzaka went to press the “enter call” button, but Shingo snatched it away. “Anyways, hi Crow! It's your loving boyfriend just calling this morning to say good morning!” Shinji laughed, which made Shingo grit his teeth. “The kids have been very good and they’ve been doing all their chores. I've been taking your role best I can. Tony and Damon visited the other day, told me to say hi! The City’s restoration is going swimmingly! Be sure to tell me how the pirate thing went! Oh, I'm running out of time! See you soon!” As soon as it started, the call ended. The inbox icon read a red “2” now.
Shingo pulled himself up into a sitting position, the disc in his lap. Gongenzaka mirrored it, crossing his arms. “Sawatari, you should have picked up and told him what happened.”
“I can’t,” Shingo whispered, pulling the disc to his chest, small tears bubbling in his eyes. “I just can’t do that to him.”
He kept both close to him. Neither the disc, nor the card, was ever out of his sight. Shingo was starting to wish he had brought a backpack. He sat with the others who were thinking up strategies, but Shingo couldn’t concentrate. As if to spite him, the disc rang. Yuuya and the others turned to him, curious. “This better be short,” Shingo hissed. He didn’t really mean that. Crow was gonna get to hear how much Shinji missed him, so of course he wouldn’t want Shinji to cut corners. Crow deserved all of it.
The disc switched the voicemail. “You know, it’s rude to listen to someone else’s calls,” Yuuya chided with a quirked eyebrow.
“Shut up,” Shingo whispered, leaning in to hear the message.
“Sorry if you're sleeping and can't pick up,” Shinji said, quieter than usual. That was new. Shinji was apologizing. “But we just wanted to say night- right kids?”
Three voices that Shingo would normally say he “unfortunately remembered” if he was in his right mind piped up. “Night dad!” That must have been Amanda, Frank, and Tanner: the Hogan-Weber kids.
Shinji’s tongue clicked. “Oh come on you won't call me dad but-” Shingo couldn’t tell if it was one, but the sound he heard sounded like Shinji shaking his head. “Whatever. Please call back soon! The kids miss you! Almost as much as me, even,” he laughed again. Despite his misery he was still laughing? How much was a facade for Crow? Or for the kids, that matter?
Speaking of the kids- “Shinji!” They all shouted at Shinji. So much for ‘almost’, Shingo guessed. He gave an inaudible sigh. He wished his father or his friends would have called him even just once. He’d been gone, what, weeks? Not even a single text or email. Sure they didn’t really know he left since he kinda snuck out without saying anything, but didn’t they miss him?
Shinji didn’t respond to their pleas. “Gotta go! Can’t let them stay up too long, ya know.” He made a noise that Shingo guessed was an air kiss- not that it was for him, anyways. “Love you to the Fusion Dimension and back!” Again, the inbox icon added another red number.
Shingo choked on his words, watching the disc switch to neutral. Yuuya placed a hand on Shingo’s shoulder. “And back…” he repeated in a whisper. As much as he didn’t want to, he let himself cry in front of the others.
Everyone was grouped up. Shingo was still a mess- physically and mentally. Seeing Crow turn into the card flashed in his head every time he closed his eyes. Was this what it was like to feel “un-fabulous”?
Reiji was lecturing about something. Cooperation or whatever. Where did that get them? Tsukikage and Crow were gone, and he was sure neither he nor Reira were there completely. Not to mention what happened to the girls-
As inconvenient as all the others were, Crow’s disc went off. Reiji sighed. “Sawatari, why are you still holding onto that.” It wasn’t a question.
Shingo scoffed. “It has everything that matters to Crow on it. His numbers, his win streak.” He paused a second. “His… selfies with his kids?” Reiji’s face didn’t change. “He’s gonna need it when he comes back.”
“If,” was Reiji’s only response.
“When,” Shingo hissed, letting the voicemail play.
“Hey Crow!” Shinji said, clearly tired. “I know it's earlier than usual, but I wanted to say hi before I went to work.” He gave out a small yawn. “It's kinda hard sleeping without you here-”
Reiji snatched the duel disc and pressed “enter call” before Shingo could even react. How much had the lack of sleep affected him? “Mr. Weber?” Reiji asked, pushing Shingo’s grabby hands away.
Shinji’s eyes immediately narrowed and his voice got dark. “What the he- who is this? Yuuya? Serena? Are you there?” He asked, desperately trying to match a face to the voice.
“This is Akaba Reiji,” Reiji answered- wow, a straight answer from them? That was rare. “I am the leader of the Lancers. The group that your husband-”
“Boyfriend,” Shinji corrected.
“Boyfriend, joined. Willingly, I may add.” Reiji’s voice was flat and didn’t waver. Reiji’s voice was where emotions went to die.
“What?” Shinji asked. He had remembered someone mentioning the Lancers during the Friendship Cup, but he surely wasn’t listening too well.
“I’m terribly sorry to say, but your ‘boyfriend’ was lost in a duel against the enemy.” Despite the ‘sorry’, Reiji didn’t seem too bothered about the loss.
Shinji was frantic. “What!?” he asked again.
Reiji continued, back to avoiding questions. “I best recommend you do not call this number anymore, as he will not be able to pick up.” They had essentially told Shinji to fuck off with not a shred of remorse. Shingo couldn’t believe this, but he couldn’t move either.
Shinji’s voice was wet and angry. “WHAT HAPPENED!?” He shouted, desperate for even the smallest of an answer.
There wasn’t one. “Goodbye,” Reiji stated as plain as if they had explained that water was indeed wet.
“DO NOT HANG UP YOU BAS-”
Reiji did.
They tossed the disc back to Shingo, suggesting he get rid of it to avoid anymore distractions.
“PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE! WHAT HAPPENED TO CROW!? WHY WON’T YOU ANSWER ME!? IS EVERYONE’S LIFE JUST SOME STUPID GAME THAT YOU THINK YOU CAN IGNORE IF YOU AREN’T WINNING!? ANSWER ME AKABA.”
“What the hell does “lost” even mean? Is he missing? Did he get captured? Is… did you let him die.”
“Reiji, I took a drive, I’m calm now. Pick up the phone please. What happened to Crow. You need to tell me. Please call me back, Crow already has my number on speed dial.”
“You’re lucky I can’t travel across dimensions and beat your ass, Reiji.”
Shingo sat against a ledge, hugging his knees. The duel disc that sat next to him hadn’t gone off in a while, just the last few popping into the inbox. Reiji and the others left him behind, not wanting Shingo to draw attention by listening to the messages. He didn’t want to stay in the Fusion Dimension. No one needed him here. As skilled as he was, Shingo hadn’t won a single duel without help.
“Akaba, I need to give Crow’s card to Shinji. It’s the only way he’ll understand what happened.”
“Be my guest, but if you do, don’t come back. A true Lancer wouldn’t leave their mission for anything, or anyone.”
He broke from the hold, slapping his cheeks. He couldn’t give up. He was the son of the to-be-mayor of Miami City. Plus there was no way he would let Reiji call him a ‘fake lancer’.
But first…
Shinji was correct: Shinji’s number was on Crow’s speed dial. Shingo pressed it, rocking his knees back and forth. What should he say when he picks up? What would he say if he didn’t pick up?
“Heeya,” a voice stammers out. It’s similar to Shinji’s… but more… intoxicated. “Is that you?”
The ‘you’ is not elaborated on, but Shingo assumes he meant Crow. “Are you drunk?” Shingo thinks out loud, suddenly sick to his stomach.
“Maybe,” Shinji slurs. That definitely means he is. Shingo takes a quiet deep breath. The only thing scarier than his dad saying he’s not coming home was his dad coming home drunk. Shingo would never touch that stuff, not even the fancy wines he sees at parties he gets dragged to. If it had even the slimmest chance of making him act like Furio? Nope. Never. “When are you coming home?” Shinji asked.
Shingo pauses. He forgot to explain who he was. Oops. “I’m... not your boyfriend. I’m Sawatari Shingo.”
“Never heard of you.”
Shingo pouted. “I’m a friend- well, acquaintance of Crow.”
Shinji hummed. “I’m glad Crow has so many close friends. Crow is the best.”
He certainly wasn’t like his father when he was drunk, but Shingo didn’t exactly want to stay on the line too long; Shinji still had the potential to turn on a dime. “Look, I’m calling to say that… well… Crow… Crow was carded.”
There was a long hollow pause. “What…” Shinji swallowed. “What does that even mean.”
“I… don’t know,” Shingo admitted. No one had really explained carding, had they? If they had, he surely wasn’t paying attention.
“He’s dead. Isn’t he,” Shinji stated. There was no question. Just solemn acceptance.
The cold wind was nowhere near as biting as the comment. Shingo took the card out of his pocket, rubbing his thumb against the edge. “I’m… sorry.” A tear splashed onto Crow’s printed face, Shingo promptly rubbing it off. “I would do anything to bring him back.”
Shinji’s voice was wet, but it didn’t sound like he was crying. “I hope he knows I’m sorry. For everything.”
Shingo looked up, seeing some Obelisk Force patrolling around. “If I don’t make it out alive, I’ll tell him for you.” Not waiting for a response, Shingo hung up. He turned off the disc, any new messages wouldn’t be automatically played.
And for the first time in days, Shingo’s thoughts were empty.
#this was VERY NECESSARY I promise#guardianshipping#this is fairly not canon complacent btw#for example? characters have feelings#not mixing up shinji and shingo's names is hell btw don't try this at home
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The Ocean of Self Hatred
Times have been hard and I was forced to step away from my writing for my own sanity.
There are a number of reasons for my sudden departure from creativity and after several months, I am now back to a small degree and I can explain what small events caused this flight into fear.
The first thing that happened was that I was given some very serious negative feedback about my writing, it ridiculed my sentence structure, made fun of my character development and was harshly critical of my cover design. I am aware of my own limitations so I could concede many of the points made, but not to the severity of them. It went beyond critical reviewing and stepped into mockery of my art form which as a new writer, took me right back to my childhood and the mockery I received for my poor spelling and grammar.
As a child, I went to around thirteen different schools and I moved so often that I did not spend more than a couple of years in one place. The result of this was that I had huge gaps in my education and was missing some of the fundamental skills required to write and spell correctly. These missing sections of my education gave me some rather mediocre exam results on leaving school and a school report that wrote me off as educationally underwhelming. So on leaving school I jumped ship, right into college, topping up the missing sections and ended up going to two universities to get a degree and then a post graduate certificate.
The same kind of thing can be applied to my writing. I have had no formal training as a writer, my degree was actually science, which is an entirely different form of creativity. Self editing long form stories takes a huge amount of effort and after reading the novel for the sixth time in a month, even simple mistakes made while editing are easily missed. I am also not a designer and I have not a single qualification in any form of artistic endeavour, so cover design was a real challenge for me. It would be very easy to take these things and add a negative spin, turning them from real reasons into bitter excuses. But I am going to stop that right now. They are not excuses. My first book was a great adventure for me. I had not the first clue on book design, despite reading so many books for my own pleasure. I did all of the work myself, which I then placed on Amazon Kindle to the complete indifference of the publishing world. My partner and I spent an entire year sending off the required details to agents and publishers, receiving well over three hundred rejections until we had one single bite of interest. (Technically, this is not true, we had several bites, but most of them were from vanity publishers who would take my work and simply print it, at great cost so that I could then sell them myself.)
The one good bite came from a publisher who stated that they were greatly interested in the first two chapters that the submission required and they wanted to read the rest of the book. The book was supplied and we were told that after six months, they would be back in touch. Sadly we never heard from them again and that was why the book got put on Kindle. I moved on because I had other stories to tell. I also joined a writers group and began spending time with other writers, honing my skills.
So my first full length book is amateurish and it has have many flaws, maybe even several spelling mistakes that I have not spotted and yet it stands as a real achievement. Some of my friends have been very kind with their comments, they understood what the book meant, where it came from and what I had achieved.
The criticism I received for the book rocked me from my rowing boat of self belief, or maybe self deceit. It told me that I had not done very well, that my attempts were worthless and that I should not have bothered. Actually, that is not what the criticism told me at all, that is what I told myself afterwards. The criticism told me what I already knew, that the book had some flaws and some bits of it could have been done better. But my own lack of self love took a long negative dive into self disgust for having even tried. I punished me for being a beginner, for not being like Penguin Books, for not being good enough and in so many ways I am still doing this, acting out this brutal regime of self sabotage and it is fucking crippling me.
The second attack on my creativity came when I was set to be reassessed for my disability by the agencies that we have in the UK. There is currently a feeling here that disability is somehow shameful, that disabled people should be thankful for what little handouts the state gives us and we should shut up our moaning. Opinion on what makes disability has in some ways been handed to the common man in the street and the results of this are that there is a growing trend for hatred towards disabled people on social media and all of the other places where the angry hate filled slack jawed mouth breathers can find easy targets to attack with their bile. When I saw a sign on the door of a disabled toilet in a supermarket, that was clearly produced on the office printer and read “Not all disabilities are visible, please be kind to disabled people”, I knew that things had got nasty.
The self sabotage set in once more and my guilt and shame for having mental and physical health problems went into overdrive. The assessment by the benefits team is far from over and right now I am living in dread of the report that will be written on me. Reports from several disability charities in the UK show that I am not alone in living with these fears though. Disability assessments are so stressful that disabled people would rather live in poverty and suffering, than go through the system that is supposed to support them. For me, it got so bad that in desperation I contacted my local politician and asked for them to step in and put a stop to one of the things I was facing. The bitter irony of this is that this politician is the same man who voted in parliament to reduce benefits available to disabled people, because disabled people should be out earning for themselves! The levels of selfishness and inhumanity shown by this Government disgust me and yet I was forced to ask them for help.
The anxiety that grew within me, leading up to my assessment, got so out of hand that I was barely able to function. I stopped going outside, I certainly stopped driving and I stopped interacting as I withdrew into the shadows putting a stop to almost all of my artistic efforts. This was not a safe place for me to be because this was where my inner demons berated me and beat me down for my weakness. It seems that I truly love punishing myself, often far more brutally and to greater depth than any judicial system would consider sinking to.
I may possibly say that I am now swimming in the bleak ocean waters of self hate rather than drowning in them, but I am not yet ready to walk across the beach of self sabotage or even step into the quiet cafe of self doubt to have a cup of safe, mildly chilled anxiety. I think that this analogy is starting to leak now, but I still have some way to go before we can let it flow away. Despite all of the dark waters of misery I am swimming in, stood on the distant seawall of happiness is a group of good friends who are waving at me and even holding the warm soft beach towel of comfort. These are the people who tell me that my creativity is good enough to play with, that I should try my best to do what I once loved and most importantly of all that my self sabotage is not needed.
The last review I wrote for a piece of theatre (is this another analogy, like a slice of creamy mime or a side salad of death metal?) was praised by several people who mean a great deal to me or that I even admire. It was even commented on by the theatre themselves who were very pleased with it, because it was fair and it was balanced. Criticism has to be balanced. Some one once told me that there are no bad writers, just books that don’t interest us (I would dispute this, but then my Kindle recommendations were recently filled up with awful rubbish written by Holocaust deniers, after I looked at one such book because I did not believe that such things could exist!). So if my book fails to interest someone, so be it. I wrote that book because I had a story to tell, the people living in my head wanted to get out. At the moment, the sequel is stalled, like a broken down Morris Marina on a mudflat (what is it with the fucking ocean references?!) waiting for the tide to go out so that it can be recovered. I am not yet ready to continue my writing, but the voices of the characters in my unfinished story want me to continue.
I don’t know when I will start working on my writing again, but it will happen. There are a few things I need to work on first (my obsession with miserable oceans for a start!) such as my self sabotage and self doubt. Trying to feel worthwhile as an artist takes effort. Anxiety and depression are exhausting and make such efforts almost impossible. Doing it without medication is harder still, but living on medication is even less desirable because although they make me level (like a flat ocean that is freezing over by any chance?), that level is lower than it should be and I lose all of my creativity all together.
So do I have any words of wisdom worth sharing? Maybe, maybe not. I can tell you that self doubt and anxiety are crippling. Good friends tell you the truth, but do so positively. I can also tell you that creating anything is a great achievement. Self publishing is bloody hard, to do it well requires a huge amount of effort or a bloody deep purse (full of doubloons from a pirate ship no doubt!), so if you are also working hard on making or creating, bloody good for you. You inspire me because you are a shining example of what it means to be an artist. Well done you, have a hug.
If you want to see some excellent examples of creativity in action, buy the last book released by my writing club. You could also get yourself on Youtube and check out Adam Savage’s Tested because that is always inspiring. There is also Sariel’s Technic Lego channel which is amazing. Also, go and give some of your time to the awesome Bucket Head Props and their friend Ace Cosplay who frankly are both amazing. There is no end to the adventures that can be had in creativity of any type and all of these people prove that beautifully.
#disability#DWP#pip#self loathing#self publishing#self sabotage#anxiety#depression#antidepressants#creative writing#self love#writers block#despair#misery#amazon kindle
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Murder, Cheat, And Fuck Your Way Through Boston
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It’s a Thursday morning, and you’re sitting around with nothing to do. You had a job, but it exploded, so now you’re stuck here in your boring house.
Suddenly, your phone rings.
Answer the phone.
Ignore the phone and go outside to look at parts of the planet Earth.
Die of old age.
You walk outside and find your mailman. “You have a letter,” says your mailman. “Here it is.”
Inside your house, the phone continues to ring.
Are you the mailman?
Take the letter.
Answer the phone.
Boston. The diamond in America’s face. The place where a dog died. A sprawling metropolis filled with history, culture, stores, some roads, and a guy who kissed a lady here once. It’s time to walk through this city’s hallowed gates and start fucking and killing all the stuff that’s here so that God will destroy it for insurance money.
Walk through the gates of Boston and get to work.
“Yeah.”
Am I the mailman?
Take the letter.
Answer the phone. It’s still ringing.
“No.”
But you’re the mailman?
Take the letter.
Answer the phone! The phone! It’s ringing! The phone is ringing!
“That’s correct.”
That’s amazing.
Take the letter.
The phone is screaming! Screaming!
“It’s whatever. I could take it or leave it.”
When are you going to die?
Take the letter.
Answer the phone. The phone is ringing and ringing. Please. It’s ringing.
“Later today.”
Cool.
Take the letter.
ANSWER THE PHONE BECAUSE THE PHONE IS SHRIEKING AND RINGING.
“Yeah, it’s pretty good. Listen, could you take your letter now? I have to deliver mail to everyone in the world, and you’re my first house.”
Take the letter.
It’s a letter from the Mayor of Boston. It sounds like a pretty urgent message.
Answer the phone.
You are standing outside the historic gates of Boston. Before you can pass through them, your cell phone starts ringing. It’s your husband and wife calling.
Answer your cell phone.
Ignore it and blast into Boston to do sex and murder constantly.
You answer your phone to talk to your husband and wife. “Hello. This is your husband and your wife,” say your husband and wife.
“I’m your wife,” says your husband.
“I’m you,” says your wife.
“One husband and one wife,” your husband and wife say in unison.
Hello. I love you. What are you up to?
I can’t talk now, I need to fuck myself into a murderous frenzy in the ancient city of Boston so that I can get $5,000 in fraudulent insurance money.
“We were just sitting on our hands so that we could charge people money to get touched in the leg by our warm hands,” says your wife.
Okay. That sounds amazing, but I’ve got to go become the Mozart of fucking and killing everything I see.
Good.
“We’ve made over $600 from people lining up outside of our house just begging us to put our warm hands on their neck for 15 minutes at a time,” says your husband.
“When I’m sitting on my own hands, I’m in heaven,” says your wife.
“Yeah, when I’m sitting on my own hands, I bellow in ecstasy and feel like God,” says your husband.
“I love to sit on my hands and scream, ‘Yeah, baby! Christmas came early for my warm hands!’ until the neighbors ask me to leave their bathroom,” says your wife.
“I’m your wife,” says your husband.
I’m so happy for you. Unfortunately, I’ve got to go now so that I can fuck the people of Boston while I murder the people of Boston.
“Okay, we’ll let you go,” your husband and wife say. “But promise us that while you’re fucking and killing everything that draws breath in Boston, you won’t cheat on us. Fuck and kill whoever you want, but do not fuck anyone. We are the only people you are allowed to fuck. We are your husband and wife, and monogamy is more important to us than God and Bus God combined.”
I’ll see what I can do. Goodbye.
“This is Boston Castle, where Thomas Jefferson and King George III co-wrote the Declaration of Independence. This is where the Mayor of Boston lives and does his private trouble.”
Go to the next stop on the tour.
Leave the tour.
You blast into Boston and stand in the middle of Adultery Square, one of the most famous streets in Boston.
It’s time to do terrible sins and get God and Bus God to destroy this city. Where would you like to start doing sins?
Do sins right here in Adultery Square.
Go on a tour of Boston and see some historical landmarks.
Go sin at Fenway Park.
Go sin at Harvard University.
You stand in Adultery Square and prepare to do a ton of sins. A man in a terrible blue shirt runs up to you.
“Hello. Welcome to Bompo or whatever this place is called. Please fuck me or kill me immediately.”
Fuck him.
Kill him.
You send your pants and your clothes to a different country, rendering yourself nude, in the manner of sex. You begin nudely fucking the stranger right there in the middle of Adultery Square.
Due to the First Amendment, it is illegal to show you what’s actually happening right now, so the image above is a metaphor for what’s going on. The two horses fucking each other represent you and this stranger fucking each other.
“Whatever!” screams the man as you make dispassionate, lazy love to his emperor’s groin. “I don’t care about this!”
Be done fucking.
You spray the friendly stranger with Treasure Juice, a perfume issued by the United States Military that makes people smell like gold coins.
The smell of the treasure attracts a hoard of gold-crazy children.
“Hey, everyone! This guy smells like gold!” shrieks a jewel-hungry 8-year-old boy.
“I smell it!” screeches a 5-year-old girl. “I smell the jewels and the doubloons! I need that sweet treasure!”
“I live for doubloons! I smell it! I want it because I smell it!” yells a 4-year-old boy.
The mob of children jump on the man and claw him to pieces in a gold-fueled frenzy. He dies a hero’s death getting torn to shreds by insane children who keep telling him that he smells like treasure.
Nice. You killed one entire man. At this rate, God will destroy Boston in no time. Keep up the good work!
Run wild in Boston and keep doing sins.
You die of old age.
Start Over
You hang up the phone and sit alone in your house thinking about everything the Mayor of Boston said.
Do you have what it takes? Are you the kind of hero who can singlehandedly sin enough to turn Boston into the new Sodom, just like the Prophecies And Recipes section of the United States Constitution predicted would happen one day?
Yes. I’m the thing you said for sure.
No. I’m not that thing. The thing that I am instead is tired.
Wonderful. Very exciting. These Vikings from a long time ago are cheering because of your bravery. It’s time to get started! Go to Boston and start fucking and killing everything until the Lord destroys the city.
Travel to Boston and do tons of sin, with an emphasis on fucking and murdering.
“Hello,” says the voice on the other end of the phone. “This is the Mayor of Boston. It’s an honor to have a phone.”
Hello, Mr. Mayor. It’s an honor to have a phone. What can I do for you?
What is Boston?
“Boston is a city in the state of Marpuss,” says the Mayor of Boston. “It is incredibly old and small. It is the capital city of Marpuss. In 1997, a man dumped $6 in coins into a fishbowl while staring at a picture of Boston, which made Boston famous all over the world.”
I already knew these things. I was just making sure that you knew.
I remember when that fishbowl thing happened.
“Are you familiar with the story of Sodom and Gomorrah?” asks the Mayor of Boston.
Yes.
No, please explain.
“Wonderful. On behalf of myself and all the people of Boston, I cannot wait for you to fuck us and kill us in an anything-goes orgiastic carnage odyssey that will result in the divine destruction of our glamorous city. It’s very important that you fuck and kill as many people as possible. Okay, goodbye. I love you, I love God and Bus God, and I love 3D video games. Goodbye.”
Okay, love you too. Bye. I love 3D video games.
Ah! Harvard University! The special jail where people with too much math are imprisoned forever and forced to teach each other about poems. It is one of the cruelest and most prestigious prisons, not just in Boston, but in the entire state of Marpuss.
Surely, one of the brilliant minds trapped here in this brain dungeon can help you sink Boston into the sea.
Which department of the university would you like to visit?
The Physics Department.
The Religious Studies Department.
The Department of Yelling Sciences.
Excuse me, idiot, but technically, Harvard U is in the city of Cambridge.
As you make your way across Harvard’s stylish quadrangle toward the Religious Studies Department, you encounter Sunrise Man and Midnight Man, the Twin Deans of Harvard University.
“We are from today,” says Sunrise Man.
“Harvard,” says Midnight Man.
Say “Harvard” to the famous Twin Deans of Harvard.
Fuck the Twin Deans of Harvard.
Kill the Twin Deans of Harvard.
No, that is incorrect. Harvard University is located in the city of Boston. In fact, Harvard is the capital of Boston. “Cambridge” is a French word meaning, “It’s Boston, everybody.” Thus, your complaint is invalid and embarrassing for you.
Please select a department of Harvard that you would like to visit.
The Physics Department.
The Religious Studies Department.
The Department of Yelling Sciences.
“What now?” says Sunrise Man. “Harvard? Why, yes! Harvard! The hallowed halls and the math!”
“Quite so! Harvard! The math and the brains of children. Rolling hills and smart young bellies of intelligent infants! Harvard!” says Midnight Man.
“Harvard!” Sunrise Man and Midnight Man say in unison.
Fuck the Twin Deans of Harvard.
Kill the Twin Deans of Harvard.
You tighten your neck, widen your lungs, and begin the difficult but noble task of fucking the Twin Deans of Harvard University.
“Harvard the school!” screams Midnight Man as you do intimate pleasure sorceries to his emperor’s groin.
“I live for Harvard! Death is optional!” bellows Sunrise Man as you commit an illegal kindness on his reproductive cul-de-sac.
Once again, the First Amendment of the United States Constitution forbids us from showing you exactly what’s going on, but the above visual metaphor should give you a good idea. The huge fish represents “Fucking,” while the middle fish represents “Getting Gross In Boston.” The small fish is a literal fish. All the fish are eating each other, which is a metaphor for something so gross that it defies description in any known language, but suffice it to say that it involves kissing.
The two sets of train tracks are a metaphor for the two halves of Fucking, which are, of course, “Exhausting Wetness” and “Fucking All The Time.” Sorry if that was obvious, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
End your fuck session with the Twin Deans of Harvard and continue to Harvard’s Religious Studies Department.
You take out your cell phone and call the American Bureau of Parades. You schedule a parade in honor of Mutiny The Boat Crime and specify that the parade route should be “Boston.”
Within seconds, 8 million people wearing mutiny-themed masks and riding mutiny-themed floats come parading over the hills of Boston. The Mutiny Appreciation Parade has begun!
A marching band plays “O Mutiny, My Heart Yearns Ever For Thee” as the parade-goers cheer and scream about how much they love mutiny.
Join the Mutiny Appreciation Parade.
Here you are in the middle of the Mutiny Appreciation Parade. Everyone is dressed like beloved mutineers from history; Fletcher Christian and Karl Artelt costumes are everywhere you look. You start marching with the crowd as the Mutiny National Anthem swells to a triumphant crescendo.
“I love mutiny!” shrieks a 9-year-old girl wearing an Afanasi Matushenko mask.
“If mutiny were a car, I would crawl inside of it to die!” bellows a man wearing a T-shirt that says “I Love To Forcibly Wrest Control Of The Ship Away From My Captain And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt.”
Keep marching in the Mutiny Appreciation Parade.
You have arrived at Harvard’s Department of Religious Studies. This is the part of Harvard where scientists argue about whether or not God wears a shark tooth necklace in Heaven. Maybe one of the religion scientists knows how to make God angry enough to destroy Boston.
Find a religion scientist to talk to.
Attend a lecture on religion science.
You walk into a classroom and sit down.
“Hello,” says the professor. “Welcome to Advanced Religious Studies. Today’s lecture will address the most fundamental question of all religions: Does God wear a shark tooth necklace?”
Keep listening to the lecture.
Leave the lecture.
“Of course you remember the fishbowl thing,” says the Mayor of Boston. “Everyone remembers exactly where they were when they found out someone had dumped $6 in coins into a fishbowl while looking at a picture of Boston.”
That’s true. What can I do for you, Mr. Mayor?
“Oh, well, good thinking to check. Anyway, I’m calling because I have a very solemn request for you.”
What can I do for you, Mr. Mayor?
Hang up on the Mayor of Boston.
“All right, so then you know about how the people of Sodom did all sorts of terrible sins, like thinking about their own butts on the Sabbath and dipping their middle fingers into bowls of warm water without announcing it beforehand, and so as punishment for these sins, God and Bus God teamed up to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah?”
Yes. I knew all this before I was born.
“All right,” says the Mayor of Boston, “so here’s my plan: I’ve taken out a $10,000 insurance policy on the city of Boston. I want you to come to this city and do so many sins that God destroys Boston the way he destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah. Then I’ll get the insurance money, and we can split the $10,000 down the middle.”
That sounds like the best idea in the whole world. I will absolutely do that.
But Mr. Mayor! That’s insurance fraud!
“In Boston, you can only be charged with insurance fraud if you’re under 10 years old. Our prisons are completely packed with tiny children who took out insurance policies on their own legs and then set their legs on fire to try to cash in on the insurance policy. That’s the main crime in Boston, but it’s not something that you have to worry about unless you’re under 10 years old.”
I’m over 10 years old. I’m on my way to Boston right now to turn it into the modern-day Sodom.
I’m under 10 years old.
You decide that instead of murdering and fucking people in Boston, you will be tired. You yawn and walk out of your house. Your car is parked in your driveway. You climb into the driver’s seat and go to sleep. This is where you always sleep. You do not own a bed.
Have a good dream.
Have a bad dream.
Die in your sleep.
While you sleep in your car, you have a good dream. You dream that a man holding an oyster lets you point at his oyster. It’s the best dream you’ve ever had. In your dream, you even get to point at the oyster with both hands.
You slumber peacefully in your car as history passes you by. You die forgotten, but you don’t care.
The End.
Start Over
While you sleep in your car, you have a bad dream. You dream that there are three boys near a restaurant. It’s the scariest dream you’ve ever had, and your slumber is tormented as you sit in your car and sleep for the rest of the day.
When you wake up, you write the word “Money” on a piece of paper and smile at it.
The End.
Start Over
While you slumber in your car, you make the wise and noble decision to die in your sleep. The next morning, you’re discovered by your neighbor Louis, who likes to sneak into the backseat of your car every morning so that he can sit in your car and brush his hair.
Louis calls the police and informs them that he has found your corpse. The police tell Louis to never call them again.
The End.
Start Over
“Great, let’s start the tour,” says Old Ancient Michael. “Right now, we’re standing in Adultery Square. It’s called Adultery Square because this is where George Washington famously added the line ‘Adultery Is Good’ to the Bill of Rights.”
Go to the next stop on the tour.
Leave the tour.
“You look like you need a tour guide,” says a man dressed in the traditional clothing of Colonial America. “I am a tour guide. My name is Old Ancient Michael, and I went to the Toronto Institute of Boston Trivia, where I graduated first in my class and majored in pointing at statues. I can take you to the most historic places in Boston.”
Sounds good! Let’s start the tour.
You look in the sky and see some clouds. Making clouds is God’s way of screaming, so you know that you just pissed him off with your incredible sin. You’re on the right track! What part of Boston do you want to do sins in now?
Go sin at Fenway Park.
Go sin at Harvard University.
Go on a tour of Boston.
You make your way to Fenway Park, home of the Boston Red Sox, America’s quietest, hungriest baseball team.
How would you like to infuriate God here?
Make God furious by committing the sin of yelling “Bonjour!” to a sports arena as if it were a French human being.
Make God furious by committing the sin of fucking Fenway Park.
Go inside and do sins to the baseball players.
“Bonjour!” you shout at Fenway Park. “Bonjour, Fenway Park!”
This is a grave sin against God and Bus God alike, for as the Bible states:
“Hello. I am the Lord. Thou shalt never shout the French word ‘Bonjour’ at a sports arena as if that sports arena were a human person who understandeth French. When you shout the word ‘Bonjour’ at a sports arena, the Lord becomes incredibly confused, and He loseth track of what things are giant buildings where sports take place and what things are human men who speak French. This makes the Lord frightened and confused, and the Lord doth stand in the middle of Heaven, screaming and squirting God Syrup out of the faucet that grows out of His forehead.” (Gen. 5:15-19)
Go inside and do sins to the baseball players.
Make God furious by committing the sin of fucking Fenway Park.
Are you sure you want to commit the sin of fornication with Fenway Park, the giant building where the Boston Red Sox live and mumble to each other about how hungry they are?
Yes. I want to fuck the huge stadium.
I have rethought my decision. I don’t want to fuck Fenway Park anymore.
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Murder, Cheat, And Fuck Your Way Through Boston
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It’s a Thursday morning, and you’re sitting around with nothing to do. You had a job, but it exploded, so now you’re stuck here in your boring house.
Suddenly, your phone rings.
Answer the phone.
Ignore the phone and go outside to look at parts of the planet Earth.
Die of old age.
You walk outside and find your mailman. “You have a letter,” says your mailman. “Here it is.”
Inside your house, the phone continues to ring.
Are you the mailman?
Take the letter.
Answer the phone.
Boston. The diamond in America’s face. The place where a dog died. A sprawling metropolis filled with history, culture, stores, some roads, and a guy who kissed a lady here once. It’s time to walk through this city’s hallowed gates and start fucking and killing all the stuff that’s here so that God will destroy it for insurance money.
Walk through the gates of Boston and get to work.
“Yeah.”
Am I the mailman?
Take the letter.
Answer the phone. It’s still ringing.
“No.”
But you’re the mailman?
Take the letter.
Answer the phone! The phone! It’s ringing! The phone is ringing!
“That’s correct.”
That’s amazing.
Take the letter.
The phone is screaming! Screaming!
“It’s whatever. I could take it or leave it.”
When are you going to die?
Take the letter.
Answer the phone. The phone is ringing and ringing. Please. It’s ringing.
“Later today.”
Cool.
Take the letter.
ANSWER THE PHONE BECAUSE THE PHONE IS SHRIEKING AND RINGING.
“Yeah, it’s pretty good. Listen, could you take your letter now? I have to deliver mail to everyone in the world, and you’re my first house.”
Take the letter.
It’s a letter from the Mayor of Boston. It sounds like a pretty urgent message.
Answer the phone.
You are standing outside the historic gates of Boston. Before you can pass through them, your cell phone starts ringing. It’s your husband and wife calling.
Answer your cell phone.
Ignore it and blast into Boston to do sex and murder constantly.
You answer your phone to talk to your husband and wife. “Hello. This is your husband and your wife,” say your husband and wife.
“I’m your wife,” says your husband.
“I’m you,” says your wife.
“One husband and one wife,” your husband and wife say in unison.
Hello. I love you. What are you up to?
I can’t talk now, I need to fuck myself into a murderous frenzy in the ancient city of Boston so that I can get $5,000 in fraudulent insurance money.
“We were just sitting on our hands so that we could charge people money to get touched in the leg by our warm hands,” says your wife.
Okay. That sounds amazing, but I’ve got to go become the Mozart of fucking and killing everything I see.
Good.
“We’ve made over $600 from people lining up outside of our house just begging us to put our warm hands on their neck for 15 minutes at a time,” says your husband.
“When I’m sitting on my own hands, I’m in heaven,” says your wife.
“Yeah, when I’m sitting on my own hands, I bellow in ecstasy and feel like God,” says your husband.
“I love to sit on my hands and scream, ‘Yeah, baby! Christmas came early for my warm hands!’ until the neighbors ask me to leave their bathroom,” says your wife.
“I’m your wife,” says your husband.
I’m so happy for you. Unfortunately, I’ve got to go now so that I can fuck the people of Boston while I murder the people of Boston.
“Okay, we’ll let you go,” your husband and wife say. “But promise us that while you’re fucking and killing everything that draws breath in Boston, you won’t cheat on us. Fuck and kill whoever you want, but do not fuck anyone. We are the only people you are allowed to fuck. We are your husband and wife, and monogamy is more important to us than God and Bus God combined.”
I’ll see what I can do. Goodbye.
“This is Boston Castle, where Thomas Jefferson and King George III co-wrote the Declaration of Independence. This is where the Mayor of Boston lives and does his private trouble.”
Go to the next stop on the tour.
Leave the tour.
You blast into Boston and stand in the middle of Adultery Square, one of the most famous streets in Boston.
It’s time to do terrible sins and get God and Bus God to destroy this city. Where would you like to start doing sins?
Do sins right here in Adultery Square.
Go on a tour of Boston and see some historical landmarks.
Go sin at Fenway Park.
Go sin at Harvard University.
You stand in Adultery Square and prepare to do a ton of sins. A man in a terrible blue shirt runs up to you.
“Hello. Welcome to Bompo or whatever this place is called. Please fuck me or kill me immediately.”
Fuck him.
Kill him.
You send your pants and your clothes to a different country, rendering yourself nude, in the manner of sex. You begin nudely fucking the stranger right there in the middle of Adultery Square.
Due to the First Amendment, it is illegal to show you what’s actually happening right now, so the image above is a metaphor for what’s going on. The two horses fucking each other represent you and this stranger fucking each other.
“Whatever!” screams the man as you make dispassionate, lazy love to his emperor’s groin. “I don’t care about this!”
Be done fucking.
You spray the friendly stranger with Treasure Juice, a perfume issued by the United States Military that makes people smell like gold coins.
The smell of the treasure attracts a hoard of gold-crazy children.
“Hey, everyone! This guy smells like gold!” shrieks a jewel-hungry 8-year-old boy.
“I smell it!” screeches a 5-year-old girl. “I smell the jewels and the doubloons! I need that sweet treasure!”
“I live for doubloons! I smell it! I want it because I smell it!” yells a 4-year-old boy.
The mob of children jump on the man and claw him to pieces in a gold-fueled frenzy. He dies a hero’s death getting torn to shreds by insane children who keep telling him that he smells like treasure.
Nice. You killed one entire man. At this rate, God will destroy Boston in no time. Keep up the good work!
Run wild in Boston and keep doing sins.
You die of old age.
Start Over
You hang up the phone and sit alone in your house thinking about everything the Mayor of Boston said.
Do you have what it takes? Are you the kind of hero who can singlehandedly sin enough to turn Boston into the new Sodom, just like the Prophecies And Recipes section of the United States Constitution predicted would happen one day?
Yes. I’m the thing you said for sure.
No. I’m not that thing. The thing that I am instead is tired.
Wonderful. Very exciting. These Vikings from a long time ago are cheering because of your bravery. It’s time to get started! Go to Boston and start fucking and killing everything until the Lord destroys the city.
Travel to Boston and do tons of sin, with an emphasis on fucking and murdering.
“Hello,” says the voice on the other end of the phone. “This is the Mayor of Boston. It’s an honor to have a phone.”
Hello, Mr. Mayor. It’s an honor to have a phone. What can I do for you?
What is Boston?
“Boston is a city in the state of Marpuss,” says the Mayor of Boston. “It is incredibly old and small. It is the capital city of Marpuss. In 1997, a man dumped $6 in coins into a fishbowl while staring at a picture of Boston, which made Boston famous all over the world.”
I already knew these things. I was just making sure that you knew.
I remember when that fishbowl thing happened.
“Are you familiar with the story of Sodom and Gomorrah?” asks the Mayor of Boston.
Yes.
No, please explain.
“Wonderful. On behalf of myself and all the people of Boston, I cannot wait for you to fuck us and kill us in an anything-goes orgiastic carnage odyssey that will result in the divine destruction of our glamorous city. It’s very important that you fuck and kill as many people as possible. Okay, goodbye. I love you, I love God and Bus God, and I love 3D video games. Goodbye.”
Okay, love you too. Bye. I love 3D video games.
Ah! Harvard University! The special jail where people with too much math are imprisoned forever and forced to teach each other about poems. It is one of the cruelest and most prestigious prisons, not just in Boston, but in the entire state of Marpuss.
Surely, one of the brilliant minds trapped here in this brain dungeon can help you sink Boston into the sea.
Which department of the university would you like to visit?
The Physics Department.
The Religious Studies Department.
The Department of Yelling Sciences.
Excuse me, idiot, but technically, Harvard U is in the city of Cambridge.
As you make your way across Harvard’s stylish quadrangle toward the Religious Studies Department, you encounter Sunrise Man and Midnight Man, the Twin Deans of Harvard University.
“We are from today,” says Sunrise Man.
“Harvard,” says Midnight Man.
Say “Harvard” to the famous Twin Deans of Harvard.
Fuck the Twin Deans of Harvard.
Kill the Twin Deans of Harvard.
No, that is incorrect. Harvard University is located in the city of Boston. In fact, Harvard is the capital of Boston. “Cambridge” is a French word meaning, “It’s Boston, everybody.” Thus, your complaint is invalid and embarrassing for you.
Please select a department of Harvard that you would like to visit.
The Physics Department.
The Religious Studies Department.
The Department of Yelling Sciences.
“What now?” says Sunrise Man. “Harvard? Why, yes! Harvard! The hallowed halls and the math!”
“Quite so! Harvard! The math and the brains of children. Rolling hills and smart young bellies of intelligent infants! Harvard!” says Midnight Man.
“Harvard!” Sunrise Man and Midnight Man say in unison.
Fuck the Twin Deans of Harvard.
Kill the Twin Deans of Harvard.
You tighten your neck, widen your lungs, and begin the difficult but noble task of fucking the Twin Deans of Harvard University.
“Harvard the school!” screams Midnight Man as you do intimate pleasure sorceries to his emperor’s groin.
“I live for Harvard! Death is optional!” bellows Sunrise Man as you commit an illegal kindness on his reproductive cul-de-sac.
Once again, the First Amendment of the United States Constitution forbids us from showing you exactly what’s going on, but the above visual metaphor should give you a good idea. The huge fish represents “Fucking,” while the middle fish represents “Getting Gross In Boston.” The small fish is a literal fish. All the fish are eating each other, which is a metaphor for something so gross that it defies description in any known language, but suffice it to say that it involves kissing.
The two sets of train tracks are a metaphor for the two halves of Fucking, which are, of course, “Exhausting Wetness” and “Fucking All The Time.” Sorry if that was obvious, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
End your fuck session with the Twin Deans of Harvard and continue to Harvard’s Religious Studies Department.
You take out your cell phone and call the American Bureau of Parades. You schedule a parade in honor of Mutiny The Boat Crime and specify that the parade route should be “Boston.”
Within seconds, 8 million people wearing mutiny-themed masks and riding mutiny-themed floats come parading over the hills of Boston. The Mutiny Appreciation Parade has begun!
A marching band plays “O Mutiny, My Heart Yearns Ever For Thee” as the parade-goers cheer and scream about how much they love mutiny.
Join the Mutiny Appreciation Parade.
Here you are in the middle of the Mutiny Appreciation Parade. Everyone is dressed like beloved mutineers from history; Fletcher Christian and Karl Artelt costumes are everywhere you look. You start marching with the crowd as the Mutiny National Anthem swells to a triumphant crescendo.
“I love mutiny!” shrieks a 9-year-old girl wearing an Afanasi Matushenko mask.
“If mutiny were a car, I would crawl inside of it to die!” bellows a man wearing a T-shirt that says “I Love To Forcibly Wrest Control Of The Ship Away From My Captain And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt.”
Keep marching in the Mutiny Appreciation Parade.
You have arrived at Harvard’s Department of Religious Studies. This is the part of Harvard where scientists argue about whether or not God wears a shark tooth necklace in Heaven. Maybe one of the religion scientists knows how to make God angry enough to destroy Boston.
Find a religion scientist to talk to.
Attend a lecture on religion science.
You walk into a classroom and sit down.
“Hello,” says the professor. “Welcome to Advanced Religious Studies. Today’s lecture will address the most fundamental question of all religions: Does God wear a shark tooth necklace?”
Keep listening to the lecture.
Leave the lecture.
“Of course you remember the fishbowl thing,” says the Mayor of Boston. “Everyone remembers exactly where they were when they found out someone had dumped $6 in coins into a fishbowl while looking at a picture of Boston.”
That’s true. What can I do for you, Mr. Mayor?
“Oh, well, good thinking to check. Anyway, I’m calling because I have a very solemn request for you.”
What can I do for you, Mr. Mayor?
Hang up on the Mayor of Boston.
“All right, so then you know about how the people of Sodom did all sorts of terrible sins, like thinking about their own butts on the Sabbath and dipping their middle fingers into bowls of warm water without announcing it beforehand, and so as punishment for these sins, God and Bus God teamed up to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah?”
Yes. I knew all this before I was born.
“All right,” says the Mayor of Boston, “so here’s my plan: I’ve taken out a $10,000 insurance policy on the city of Boston. I want you to come to this city and do so many sins that God destroys Boston the way he destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah. Then I’ll get the insurance money, and we can split the $10,000 down the middle.”
That sounds like the best idea in the whole world. I will absolutely do that.
But Mr. Mayor! That’s insurance fraud!
“In Boston, you can only be charged with insurance fraud if you’re under 10 years old. Our prisons are completely packed with tiny children who took out insurance policies on their own legs and then set their legs on fire to try to cash in on the insurance policy. That’s the main crime in Boston, but it’s not something that you have to worry about unless you’re under 10 years old.”
I’m over 10 years old. I’m on my way to Boston right now to turn it into the modern-day Sodom.
I’m under 10 years old.
You decide that instead of murdering and fucking people in Boston, you will be tired. You yawn and walk out of your house. Your car is parked in your driveway. You climb into the driver’s seat and go to sleep. This is where you always sleep. You do not own a bed.
Have a good dream.
Have a bad dream.
Die in your sleep.
While you sleep in your car, you have a good dream. You dream that a man holding an oyster lets you point at his oyster. It’s the best dream you’ve ever had. In your dream, you even get to point at the oyster with both hands.
You slumber peacefully in your car as history passes you by. You die forgotten, but you don’t care.
The End.
Start Over
While you sleep in your car, you have a bad dream. You dream that there are three boys near a restaurant. It’s the scariest dream you’ve ever had, and your slumber is tormented as you sit in your car and sleep for the rest of the day.
When you wake up, you write the word “Money” on a piece of paper and smile at it.
The End.
Start Over
While you slumber in your car, you make the wise and noble decision to die in your sleep. The next morning, you’re discovered by your neighbor Louis, who likes to sneak into the backseat of your car every morning so that he can sit in your car and brush his hair.
Louis calls the police and informs them that he has found your corpse. The police tell Louis to never call them again.
The End.
Start Over
“Great, let’s start the tour,” says Old Ancient Michael. “Right now, we’re standing in Adultery Square. It’s called Adultery Square because this is where George Washington famously added the line ‘Adultery Is Good’ to the Bill of Rights.”
Go to the next stop on the tour.
Leave the tour.
“You look like you need a tour guide,” says a man dressed in the traditional clothing of Colonial America. “I am a tour guide. My name is Old Ancient Michael, and I went to the Toronto Institute of Boston Trivia, where I graduated first in my class and majored in pointing at statues. I can take you to the most historic places in Boston.”
Sounds good! Let’s start the tour.
You look in the sky and see some clouds. Making clouds is God’s way of screaming, so you know that you just pissed him off with your incredible sin. You’re on the right track! What part of Boston do you want to do sins in now?
Go sin at Fenway Park.
Go sin at Harvard University.
Go on a tour of Boston.
You make your way to Fenway Park, home of the Boston Red Sox, America’s quietest, hungriest baseball team.
How would you like to infuriate God here?
Make God furious by committing the sin of yelling “Bonjour!” to a sports arena as if it were a French human being.
Make God furious by committing the sin of fucking Fenway Park.
Go inside and do sins to the baseball players.
“Bonjour!” you shout at Fenway Park. “Bonjour, Fenway Park!”
This is a grave sin against God and Bus God alike, for as the Bible states:
“Hello. I am the Lord. Thou shalt never shout the French word ‘Bonjour’ at a sports arena as if that sports arena were a human person who understandeth French. When you shout the word ‘Bonjour’ at a sports arena, the Lord becomes incredibly confused, and He loseth track of what things are giant buildings where sports take place and what things are human men who speak French. This makes the Lord frightened and confused, and the Lord doth stand in the middle of Heaven, screaming and squirting God Syrup out of the faucet that grows out of His forehead.” (Gen. 5:15-19)
Go inside and do sins to the baseball players.
Make God furious by committing the sin of fucking Fenway Park.
Are you sure you want to commit the sin of fornication with Fenway Park, the giant building where the Boston Red Sox live and mumble to each other about how hungry they are?
Yes. I want to fuck the huge stadium.
I have rethought my decision. I don’t want to fuck Fenway Park anymore.
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