#and also it is crazy that i am. wild take incoming but uh. that i can be someone to some people again without uh panic or nausea | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

luckyjak · 5 years

Text

Why I Don’t Ship Widojest: A Master Post

An anon sent me an ask about this topic, and I debated for quite a bit about how to answer it. Then I decided the best way was to do a long post like this. I put a lot of thought into why I don’t like it, and I thought to share it.

A few things: 1) I am not telling you not to ship it. The goal of this is not to say “Don’t ship Widojest! It is a bad ship and you are a bad person for shipping it!” That is not my goal, okay? The internet and fandom in particular is meant for fun, and if you enjoy Widojest then more power to you! Don’t let me or anyone else stop your fun! Lord knows I have shipped significantly more problematic things. All I ask is that you tag shit more but that’s beside the point.

2) I am not particularly interested in argument. You are not likely to change my mind. I am not trying to be hostile, but if you know reading this is going to piss you off, then don’t read it. A question was asked of me, and so I thought to share my opinion. Unfortunately for everyone involved I am a high school English teacher, and so I cannot think about anything without completely overthinking it.

About my shipping preferences: generally, I like all the ships! I was particularly fond of Widomauk before Molly died, and I now I really enjoy Shadowgast, but I also like Fjorclay, Fjester, Beaujester, Beauyasha, Widofjord, Clayleb, Lavorclay, and, as the only person on earth, Yasha/Caleb. Hell, if Astrid gets a good redemption arc? Caleb/Astrid or even Caleb/Astrid/Edowulf. Any of those ships could become canon and I’d be tickled pink! You can even throw Nott into the mix, even though I mostly ship her with her husband. Nott/Fjord? Delightful. Nott/Caleb? Weird flex but why not? Nott/Jester? Absolutely! They are the best detectives!

I just don’t like Widojest and I don’t want it to be canon, and here’s why:

Doyalist Reasons First:

1) Laura and Liam played twins for years, still act like siblings even though they aren’t related by blood, and it squicks me to think of them together romantically.

Laura and Liam are fantastic actors. If they were hired to play a romantic couple, I have no doubt in my mind they could knock it out of the park.

But why on earth would they want to pretend to be a romantic couple, in a game they both play for fun?

It would be weird. I play D&D with several guys I consider my brothers, and I can’t imagine pretending to romance either of them in d&d for that same reason. It would be weird.

Maybe it wouldn’t be weird for Liam and Laura. Maybe they are more dedicated to their RP, and they’d be able to push that aside for the sake of fictional romance. But for me, that would be the last thing I’d want to play, and I suppose I project that onto Laura/Liam.

2) A lot of “evidence” for the ship is the way Liam looks at Laura.

To which I say...did you watch Vox Machina?

That’s how Liam looks at Laura all the time. He’s the president of her fanclub. He’s her twinsie. He always looks at her with hearteyes. I have a hard time seeing that as “evidence” for him having feelings for her when...that’s just what his face looks like.

Now, for Watsion reasons:

3) It has all the benefits for Caleb, and none for Jester

Seriously. What does Jester get out of a relationship with Caleb?

Don’t say someone who understands her, because Caleb certainly doesn’t. In fact, the only person who routinely “gets” Jester is Beau. (see: their conversation on the ship.)

Lots of people accuse Widojest as being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl ship because...let’s be realistic, it has all the makings of one. Tortured, broody man meets young, innocent girl who teaches him to enjoy life once again? Wikipedia’s definition is “[girl with] eccentric personality quirks and are unabashedly girlish. They invariably serve as the romantic interest for a (most often brooding or depressed) male protagonist.” Guys, that is textbook Manic Pixie Dream Girl! It gets even worse because Jester’s character is a healer! You want her to heal him? That is squicky!

And yeah, I trust Liam and Laura to be more nuanced than that, but do you know who I absolutely do not trust to be more nuanced?

The fandom. The fandom that is already producing mass amounts of Manic Pixie Dream Girl fanfic. And as that’s where I spend a lot of my free time...egads. I do not want that.

The few Widojest fics I have read (which, admittedly, are not a lot, because again, I don’t like the ship. The few I have read have been tagged as gen and then come to find out, weren’t.) have the distinct problem of woobie-fying Caleb so that Jester can take care of him, and gosh, I do not want that to become a trend.

4) Age Gap

Yes, thirteen years is not that major of an age gap. Yes, Fjord/Jester also have a large age gap.

However, there is a world of difference between “20 year old girl displays romantic interest in a 30 year old man, who decides he likes her back after getting to know her for months” vs “33 year old man decides to pursue a 20 year old woman after they danced one time when he was drunk and held hands and she showed general concern for his well-being.” One is decidedly more creepy.

(And would Jester be the one to pursue a relationship with Caleb? I almost think she’d have to, but again, why would Jester ever pursue Caleb when Fjord/Beau are right there.)

(Also, side note that I thought about making it’s own point but then decided it was petty: if Jester’s type is Fjord--tall, broad-shouldered, dark haired, muscled, then Caleb--skinny, red-head, shorter than Fjord--decidedly isn’t her type.

You know who is tall, dark, and handsome though? Beau.)

And do not say Jester is mature for her age, because she absolutely isn’t! In fact, the whole point of her character is that she’s not mature, she’s very immature and childish on account of her being locked away and being incredibly sheltered most of her life!

Also not a good excuse: Caleb spent 11 years in the asylum and therefore he’s only mentally in his 20s. Uh, no he’s not. He was in an asylum: he was not brain dead. He lived those years. He might’ve been crazy, but he was alive then. Nothing Liam’s done suggests that Caleb is mentally in his 20′s.

5) What would they even talk about?

This is probably actually the one that bothers me the most out of all these reasons, but uh....what would Caleb and Jester talk about, if they were in a relationship together?

Seriously.

They could talk about books? But Jester only ever reads terrible romance and smut. We saw when she tried to pay attention to the dunamancy lessons that she struggles to be interested in that academic stuff that is Caleb’s bread and butter. They could talk about their childhoods? That will go over well. Jester was locked away from society and Caleb straight up murdered his beloved parents. If they manage to avoid that, I’m sure they could fight again over income, what with Jester being a rich kid and Caleb being a poor farm boy. Pranking? Caleb enjoys a good prank now and again, but I can only imagine he’d tolerate getting banned from so many libraries.

They are a cat and a dog, literally. Caleb is an introvert and his idea of a good time is a quiet night at home with a good book. Jester’s idea of a good time is a party with lots of people! Yet I’m supposed to believe they’d have a happy and fulfilling relationship? Don’t get me wrong, many introverts and extroverts do get married in real life, but like...I have a hard time seeing this one working out. How many dicks do you think Jester draws in his spellbooks--which are expensive and time-consuming and require precise work--before that becomes a point of contention?

6) He doesn’t trust her enough to tell her his secrets

Hey quick poll! Who in the Mighty Nein doesn’t know that Caleb murdered his parents?

Fjord. Caduceus. And look, Jester.

I have a hard time buying that he sees her romantically when he can’t even tell her one of the biggest things about him. And he’s known her for months at this point.

If I liked a guy, and I found out he had this big secret, and he had told Beau but not me this secret? I would think he didn’t trust me.

I suppose you could argue that he’s trying to protect her. But then that just goes back into the whole “he doesn’t trust her” argument. He even had the opportunity to and he didn’t during their whole hand-holding thing a few episodes ago!

7) What does their ending look like?

Listen, my ideal ending for Caleb at the moment is “maybe after ten years of friendship he lets Essek tenderly hold his hand for just a moment but no longer” but that’s just me. I see a lot of people who seem to think Caleb’s going to settle down and marry Jester and they are going to have kids, and I just--

Caleb? Having children? Caleb, who murdered his parents and has severe PTSD surrounding that? Caleb, who was abused by his mentor daily for many years? You want to give that Caleb children??? Children who he would constantly worry may grow up to kill him, like he did his own parents, or worse, that he’d do something to accidentally hurt them in a fit of madness?

I could see Caleb maybe adopting a kid if one was forced onto him, but I cannot see him going “ah yes we should procreate!”

Jester, meanwhile, needs like approximately fifteen kids ten years from now, I think. She’d love them. She’d just adopt an orphanage and let the kids run wild and be the best at playing games with them.

Also, character arcs are important. Because Caleb’s ideal ending is stability and Jester’s is exploration.

Caleb, traumatized child soldier who has spent the past 15 years in an asylum and also fighting for his life, and before that spent time traveling between the Zemni Fields, Ikithon’s home in the country, and the Empire’s Capitol, who then escaped the asylum and spent all of his time running, trying to avoid being caught by Ikithon. The best ending for Caleb is to find peace; peace that involves not having to move around anymore, and having a home again, something he hasn’t had in almost twenty years. Maybe that home is a tower in Nicodranas. Maybe it’s a house in Xhoras with six other people. Maybe it’s a quiet bookstore in Zadash, or a little cabin in the Zemni Fields. A garden/graveyard in the woods. Either way, it doesn’t involve a lot of travel from place to place.

Meanwhile, Jester, who was trapped in exactly one place for her entire life, deserves a chance to explore the world. Even when the Mighty Nein disband, I can’t see Jester being happy to just go back to Nicodranas and stay there for the rest of her life. She may settle down eventually, but uhhh, not for several decades, I don’t think. Part of why my two big ships for her are Fjord and Beau: Fjord wants to be a sailor again, I think, which involves travelling the world, so I could see Jester going out with him. Beau, likewise, is an Expositor whose job is to seek out corruption, which again, means travelling, which Jester would be happy to do with her. Hell, the three of them could go together, sailing and punching evil for all of time! It would be great!

(Also: her god is called the TRAVELER why would you want her to settle down and be a mom??? What part of her story makes you think she needs to stay in one place?)

Lastly

I apologize if this post offends anyone. I’ve just been thinking about it for a while, and while Widojest as a ship has surged in popularity, I suppose I wanted to make a counterpoint about my feelings towards the ship. This isn’t meant as an attack on anyone, again, and please, if you like the ship then don’t look at this as a reason to stop liking it! Fandom is for fun! Keep liking what you like!

And I can’t promise I’m always going to feel this way about the ship--hell, the VOD of Thursday’s episode may come out on Monday, and I may watch it and be converted myself. Who knows! I didn’t like Vax/Keyleth at first either, but it grew on me and now it’s one of my favorites from Vox Machina.

(ALTHOUGH Mr. O’brien I swear to God if you romance Jester while flirting with Essek in a direct parallel to Keyleth/Vax/Gilmore I’m going to fly to LA just to punch you.)

Part of me wonders too if it just comes down to character interpretation, if there is something about their characters that is clicking for some people but isn’t for me. Admittedly, I love Caleb and Jester’s friendship, and I see them more as growing like siblings that romantically, but I’ve been wrong before and who knows, I may be wrong again. But if it is a character interpretation, I just wonder what they are seeing about the characters that squicks me but appeals to them.

#critical role #cr discourse #anti-ship #anti-w*dojest

154 notes · View notes

calpalirwin · 4 years

Text

Choices

Summary: Ashton Irwin thought he had everything he needed in life in the form of his daughter. Funny the difference a choice can make.

A/N: Be sure to catch up on the first two chapters!

Content: Nothing too crazy/out of the norm. Some cute as fuck dad!Ash. Also guest appearance by Luke and Mike!

Word Count: 4.5K

And away, and away we go!

Chapter 3

My alarm went off shrilly at 7 am. I fumbled to shut off the incessant beeping as I opened my eyes. I yawned and stretched out my arms. It was then I became apparent of Nic asleep in my bed. I smiled at the memory of the night we had shared. Her giggles echoed in my mind as I recalled her slipping into one of my shirts and beckoning me to bed with her finger. I recalled the many kisses I stole as we hid under the covers. I remembered how she felt, sleeping beside me as if she had done it her whole life. I reached over and kissed her, “Nic, wake up.” I kissed a path from her shoulder, up her neck, and to her lips. “Wake up, wake up, wake up,” I murmured between kisses.

“Mmm,” she moaned, “Shh, Ash, I’m sleeping,” she smiled at me, opening her eyes a little.

“It’s seven… I gotta get up.”

“Why?”

“Lauren is gonna be here any second with Cass so I can get her ready for daycare,” I told her, rolling out of bed.

She reached over and pulled me down, before climbing on top of me and kissing my face repeatedly. “Just. Five. More. Minutes. Please?” she asked me between kisses.

I wrapped my arms around her and sat up with her in my lap. “If they even give me five minutes,” I told her.

“Guess we better get as much time as we can,” she grinned, sexily.

I rolled her over, pinning her between me and the bed. “God, you’re sexy,” I growled. I kissed her fiercely before pulling back and straining my ear. “Shh,” I whispered, pressing a finger to my lips, rolling off of Nic. “Do you hear that?” I asked, still whispering as I heard the front door creak open and Cassidy’s footsteps pitter-patter across the apartment. “Incoming,” I warned, seconds before Cassidy came crashing into my bed.

“Daddy!” she shrieked like she did every morning.

I threw the covers over my head and shouted playfully, “No! Not the Cass Monster! Aaaahhh!” Then I threw the covers off me and enveloped Cassidy in them who erupted in a series of giggles. I pulled her into my lap and uncovered her head. “Were you good for Auntie Lauren?” I asked.

Cassidy nodded, her dirty blonde curls bouncing. Then, “Daddy, did you have a sleepover?”

“I did. Her name is Nic. Do you want to say hi?”

Another nod, then, “Hi, Nic!”

“Hi, Cassidy,” Nic smiled sweetly.

“She’s pretty, Daddy,” Cassidy told me.

I laughed, “Yes, very pretty. Alright, you ready for breakfast?”

“Mhm!”

“Alright, go say goodbye to Auntie Lauren, and I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”

She skipped out of the room. Lauren poked her head in, “Hey, As- shit, I didn’t know you had company. I could’ve taken Cass.”

“It’s fine, Lauren,” I said getting out of bed. “This is Nic. Nic, that’s my sister, Lauren. The little one was Cass.”

“Hi,” Nic said, getting up herself.

Lauren nodded a hello, then, “I’m gonna say bye to Cass,” before excusing herself.

“Sorry,” I said to Nic, pulling a shirt over my head.

“It’s fine, Ash,” she said, kissing me. “I should probably go get ready for work. I’ll see you later?”

I nodded, “I’ll be home at about 5 if you wanted to join us for dinner. I’m not much of a cook though, so fair warning.”

She smiled. “I can be over at like 5:30?”

“That works,” I smiled back. I watched as she disappeared, waiting to hear her leave, before I went to the kitchen. I went about my morning routine feeling better than I had in a long while. For the first time in a long while, I had something to look forward to; someone to come home to that didn’t need bedtime stories and monster-checking.

“You seem perkier than usual,” Mike, the captain, noted as I came in whistling.

“Just in a good mood,” I said, clocking in for the day.

“So, who’s the girl?” Luke, my partner, asked.

“Who said there was a girl?”

“Because, I’ve never seen you look this happy. I’ve also never seen you with a girl. So, it’s gotta be a girl, right? Oh, tell me it’s a girl!”

“It’s a girl,” I laughed.

“Ha!” Luke cheered. “Mikey-boy, that’s twenty big ones! Pay up! Way to go, Irwin!”

“Why does he owe you twenty b- Wait, did you 2 seriously have a bet that I was gay?! I literally have a kid.” Any other day, I might have been offended, but I was cruising on the highest of highs.

“Hey,” Luke defended. “I knew you weren’t gay. Just a busy little worker bee, huh, Ashy?” he teased.

“You know what? I ain’t even mad. Cuz I woke up next to the hottest girl. Life doesn’t get better than that.”

“Ash,” Mike said, turning serious for a minute. “Marry this girl.”

“I barely know the girl, Mikey,” I laughed nervously.

“I know. But marry her. Any girl that’s got you feeling this good is a keeper. I’m telling ya.”

“I still think I’ll give it a minute before I start getting down on a knee,” I joked, quickly burying the memory of the last time I’d been down on one knee. Taylor had no right to my mind today. Today, my mind was all on Nic.

I walked through the door of my apartment, feeling both more exhausted than I’d ever felt and also still better than my old best days. I quickly tried to clean up the apartment a bit while Cassidy played. I had just sat down on the couch when Nic knocked on my door. “Hey, c’mon in,” I greeted, kissing her cheek.

“Hey, how was work?” she asked, making herself comfortable on my couch.

“Good,” I said, sitting down next to her. “How was your day?”

“Long,” she sighed, leaning into me. “Glad to be done.”

“Me too,” I smiled at her. “Are you hungry?”

“I am!” Cassidy piped up, causing both Nic and me to laugh.

Nic stayed after dinner, throwing herself into a wild activity Cassidy dreamed up, the two chatting away until I told Cassidy it was time for her bath. I had Cassidy pick up her toys while I ran her bath. “You can stay if you want, but if you have stuff you gotta do, that’s…”

Nic half-smiled. “I should probably get going. But, I’ll see you…?”

“You can come by tomorrow again if you like. But, I gotta warn you, this is pretty much it,” I told her motioning around at everything. “This is my life.”

“I like your life, Ash,” she said, smiling softly. “I’ll see you and Cass tomorrow.” She kissed me before letting herself out.

“I like her, Daddy,” Cassidy said.

“I like her, too,” I said, picking her up.

I got Cassidy ready for bed and went to bed myself with Nic’s memory burned in my mind. I told myself that I really liked Nic and that I’d be smarter this time around; that I would savour every moment I held her in my arms, or got to kiss her lips. I tried to push the nagging thoughts that this could only end 1 of 2 ways, and that 1 of those ways could very well destroy me.

~~~

For the next few weeks, Nic slowly made her way into mine and Cassidy's lives. Every night the 3 of us sat around my kitchen table eating and laughing. Some nights she stayed helped me put Cassidy to bed, then spent the night tangled up in the sheets with me. Other nights she excused herself early so I could have 1-on-1 time with Cassidy. Nic and I took things slow, not wanting to rush anything in our relationship with each other. But, when the 1-month mark came and went- which was when every other girl had left- and Nic stayed, I started to rethink the seriousness of our relationship. I decided it was time to take Nic out on a real date so we could discuss what we both wanted out of this relationship, or if we even wanted one.

I talked over the details with Lauren, who eagerly agreed to pick Cassidy up from daycare and watch her overnight for me. So after work on Friday, instead of rushing to pick up Cassidy from daycare, I called Nic.

“Hey, Ash,” she answered after the first ring. “I just got home. I’ll be over in a few?”

“Uh, I was actually wondering if you wanted to go out? Like on a real date?”

“Real date, huh?”

“Yeah. Getting dressed up, I bring you flowers, we go eat a fancy dinner, the whole thing.”

She giggled and I pictured her cheeks flushing red. “Okay, that sounds like fun.”

“Cool. I’ll pick you up at 7?”

“I’ll see you at 7. Ash?”

“Yeah?”

“Why?”

“I just wanna do something nice for a change,” I told her. In truth, I felt good about my relationship with Nic. She didn’t get annoyed with staying in every night or having Cassidy ruin the chance to sleep in on the weekends. In fact, she adored Cassidy, and Cassidy adored her right back. There was also no denying the way she made me feel, or the fact that we were both clearly attracted to each other. And after the past few weeks of her either being in my arms or on my mind, it was probably time to figure out what we were to each other, even if I didn’t like the answer.

I went out to get my truck washed and pick up some flowers before I came home and showered. I went through my closet, pulling jackets and work clothes aside to find my dress shirts and slacks. I laid the clothes on my bed, ready to get changed, but I ran a hand under my chin first. I ran to the bathroom and looked at my face in the mirror. I tilted my head at different angles, trying to decide if I needed to clean up my beard or not. I decided against it, preferring not to risk shaving it all off if I screwed up. I changed and took a good long look in the mirror. Without meaning to, my mind drifted to the last time I had gotten this dressed up- the way my heart pounded in my chest and the weight of that little box in my pocket. I quickly shook away the thought. That wasn’t the last time I got dressed up, I told myself. Yeah, but it was the last time it mattered. “This isn’t like that, though,” I spoke aloud to no one. Isn’t it, though? My mind answered back. “I don’t have time for this,” I said angrily. “Nic isn’t Taylor. And more than that, I don't want Taylor. I want Nic.” Hey, these are your thoughts, Ash.

I shook my head again. “Nic,” I repeated, smiling at the sound of her name. “I want Nic.” With a last look in the mirror, I headed for the door, grabbing the flowers on my way out. I made my way across the hall and knocked on her door. One of her roommates opened the door. “Hey, is Nic ready?”

“Oh, hey, Ash. C’mon in. Nic’s just finishing up.”

I took a seat on their couch, “So, how’s everything going?” I asked, trying to make conversation.

“We’re good, Ash. You and Nic seem to be getting serious.”

“I hope so. I really like her.”

“She really likes you, too.”

“Kayla!” Nic scolded, coming into the room. Her dress accentuated every bit of curve she had.

“Wow… you look… wow…” I said, getting up off the couch. “Uh, these are for you.” I gave her the small bouquet of flowers.

She took the flowers and breathed them in. “Thank you,” she said. Then she disappeared down the hall to put them away. “Ready?” she asked when she came back into the living room.

“Let’s go,” I said, taking her hand. “You look really amazing, by the way,” I told her again as we walked down to my truck.

“Thanks. You clean up good yourself.”

“I try.” I held the door for the truck open for her and watched as she slid in.

“You washed your truck, too?” she asked when I climbed in the driver's seat.

“Yeah, it was time.” I pulled out of the parking structure and onto the road.

“Really? When’s the last time you washed your truck?”

“Uh… a while.”

She raised her eyebrows.

I shrugged and half-smiled. “The rain does a good enough job.”

“So you went through the trouble of washing it for me?”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“I meant no such thing. There’s something flattering about a boy putting in a little effort to impress the girl.”

“And are you impressed?”

“Time will tell.”

I clutched at my chest jokingly. “Ouch…”

She laughed, “Well, the night’s just beginning.”

“Oh, you’ll be impressed,” I told her, pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant. I wrapped my arm around her as we walked into the restaurant. “2 for Irwin,” I told the hostess, trying to ignore the look she gave us.

“Right this way,” she said, leading us to a table. “Your waiter will be here shortly.”

I ran a hand through my hair as I became aware of everyone’s eyes on us. “I know I’m with the prettiest girl, but damn I’d wish they’d stop staring,” I whispered to her as I rolled up the sleeves of my shirt, exposing my arms and tattoos.

“They’re staring at you, Ash. At least the girls are anyway,” she told me.

I shook my head, “Bullshit. I’m a nobody.” I flicked through the menu, busying myself with trying to find something to eat.

“A good looking nobody,” she laughed, setting her own menu aside. “I feel like I’ve said this before, but your tattoos are really cool.”

“Thanks?” I felt my face flush red in embarrassment.

“Are you one of those guys who is just completely oblivious to how good looking they are? It’s both charming and infuriating.”

I shrugged. “That’s a loaded question. If I say yes, then I’m a conceited jackass who only cares about looks. If I say no, I’m a moron. I mean, I see myself all the time so I look like I always have to me. Whether or not that’s attractive to other people or not is up to them.”

“Well, for the record, you are ridiculously attractive. And until now, I’ve been too distracted by that attractiveness to notice much besides just how attractive you are. The tattoos certainly aren’t helping making you any less attractive either. If anything it adds. Are you ready to order?” she finally asked, trying to change the topic. “Or should I keep overusing the word ‘attractive’?”

I laughed and we quickly flagged down the waiter to order. “Well, thanks,” I told her, “But, I still think everybody is looking at you. And why wouldn’t they? You’re beautiful.”

She blushed. “So, the tattoos? Can I see?” she asked, reaching out and gently touching my right forearm.

“Yeah.” I undid my shirt, sliding it off, grateful I had thought to throw a black tank top on underneath so I wasn’t completely shirtless in public.

“These are so cool,” she breathed, her fingers running all over my inked skin.

“I thought so.”

“Did they hurt?”

I nodded as I slipped back into my dress shirt. “But it was more annoying than painful.”

“What caused you to get them?”

“Just little reminders, I guess.”

“Reminders of what?”

“To be the best person I can be both for myself and for Cass. I’m the only parent she has, so I have to do twice as much work as any other parent to make sure she’s not missing out on not having a mom.”

“You have a very interesting story,” she told me.

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, I do. You have a clear attachment to your family, which I find to be endearing. And you don’t let your past damage you. You let it guide you into being a better person.”

“It sounds so much cooler when you say it. Damn, that looks good,” I said as the waiter brought out our food and we started eating. “So, anything interesting I should know about you? Since how you know all about me?”

“I don’t know all about you,” she retorted. “But, fine. Tell me what you want to know.”

“Tell me about Atlanta.”

She shrugged. “It was typical. Um, I’m the middle child. I have an older brother and a younger sister. We’re all close. Parents are still married.”

“What were you like in high school? What made you the woman sitting across from me?”

She laughed. “Again, very typical. Also very cliche. I was head cheerleader, so naturally I dated the quarterback. We were Prom king and queen.”

I laughed, “Damn, I thought I was a cliche in high school. Tell me about Mr. Quarterback boyfriend. How’d you go from him to bar creeps to me?”

“Mr. Quarterback’s name was Charlie. He was a sweetheart, but his views were a little too old-school for me, even though I consider myself to be somewhat of a traditionalist.”

“How so?”

“He didn't want me to go to college. He wanted me to become a housewife and mom. Which, I’m not opposed to necessarily. I just wanted something that was my own, too. So I told him he could either accept that I wanted a future myself outside of the home or I’d find someone who did. So, he tried to accept it. And when I told him I wanted to come here to pursue a master’s and see more of the world, he told me he couldn’t accept it anymore. So, we broke up. And I moved here and promised myself I wouldn’t shy away from putting myself back out there. The creeps were just an unfortunate side effect.”

“Wow. And Charlie was your first?”

She nodded, “But, I don’t have any regrets. And I’m not bitter about it. Like I said, the boy was a sweetheart. We just weren’t destined for forever.”

“That’s a very mature outlook,” I commented.

“I try,” she smiled. “So what about you? What were you like before moving here?”

“I was the captain of my high school’s baseball team. Starting dating the pretty girl senior year that I’d had a crush on since I was five. We weren’t Prom king and queen like you and Charlie. We were Homecoming king and queen, though, so it’s basically the same thing. We stayed together while I put myself through the police academy and she went to college. I wasn’t afraid of her wanting a career, just as long as she wanted me too. Then she got pregnant.”

“And what happened to her? To Cassidy's mom?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” I told her, running a hand through my hair. “Um, I actually wanted to talk about us.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah… Uh, you’ve been over a lot and Cassidy really likes you. And I do too. So I’m hoping that we can, uh… be something more serious than whatever it is we’ve been doing.”

“I thought you didn’t want serious?”

“No, I said I probably wasn’t the guy to get serious with.”

“And now you are?”

“Well, yeah.”

She sighed, “Ash…”

I felt my throat close up. “It’s fine… you don’t… we don’t… it’s fine,” I choked out. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t care; that her apparent rejection didn’t hurt. After all, it’s not like we we’re serious.

“It’s not that, Ash. It’s the fact that you think so little of yourself. Ash, I don’t care that you’re a dad. Okay? I care that you’re a good person with a good heart. That’s the Ash I like. That’s the Ash I want to be with.”

I leaned back, confused. “Um… Can we start over?”

She let out a small laugh, “Sure.”

“Hey, Nic. We’ve been spending a lot of time together. You seem to understand better than other girls I’ve been with how important my daughter is to me, and you aren’t threatened by that. I really appreciate that, and so does Cass. As a result, I feel that I’m in a position to take our relationship more seriously.” I tried to pick my words carefully, but I wanted to laugh at how absolutely ridiculous I sounded.

She nodded, biting her lip to hold back a laugh, “Okay. And what do you mean by taking us more seriously?”

“Mainly mutual exclusiveness. I don’t want to date anyone else, and I don’t want you to date anyone else.”

“I thought we were already at that point, though.”

“Were we? I mean, I haven’t been seeing anyone.”

“Neither have I.”

“Oh, well, good. I’d like for us to keep doing that.”

“Me, too,” she smiled.

I cleared my throat, “Sorry… It's been awhile since I asked a girl to be my girlfriend.”

“Oh, is that what you were asking?” Her eyes danced mischievously.

“Well… that’s what I meant by the ‘mutual exclusiveness’ bit…”

“I’m teasing, Ash. I’d like to be your girlfriend very much.” Her face blushed and she looked down.

I felt my mouth split into a cheesy grin. “I’d like that too,” I told her, reaching out for her hand. “Now, serious question: what are your expectations of me being your boyfriend?”

She lifted her head and looked at me. “Wow… um…” she paused to think about it. “Okay. Loyalty and honesty. I don’t do cheaters and I don’t do liars.”

I nodded, “Understandable. Although, can we agree that there are some things worth lying about? Like surprises? I like surprising my girlfriend and they tend to require a few white lies.”

“Oh, well yeah. I meant like big stuff lying.”

I nodded again. “Fair enough, I won’t cheat and I won’t lie about it if I’m ever dumb enough to.”

She laughed, “Good. Oh, respect is huge. Respect for my boundaries, privacy, and my independence.”

“What do you mean by independence? Like not feeling threatened by you wanting a career for yourself? Or not feeling threatened when you want to go out with your friends without me?”

“Both. Jealousy in general bothers me. It kinda goes back to the loyalty and honesty bit. Like yeah, I want you to be loyal and honest, so I’m also going to be loyal and honest in return. So respect that I’m not going to jeopardize that trust. And being threatened of a girl having a career in this day and age is just stupid.”

“Makes sense. Anything else?”

She thought for a minute. “No. Everything else more or less falls into those 3 categories.”

“Consideration isn’t a factor for you?” I asked, giving her a suggestion. “Of feelings, likes, dislikes, the sort?”

She pursed her lips together in thought. “Yeah… I would think it falls under respect, or maybe loyalty, though. But yeah, I like a guy who’s considerate.”

“Okay. I can do that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Although, I have a… savior complex is what you called it? Well, I call it a protective side that might sometimes interfere with your independence. I don’t do it on purpose and I definitely don’t do it because I think you’re not capable of handling your own shit. It’s just one of those things that kinda just happens and I’m not aware of it until after the fact. But by all means, call me out on it.”

She laughed, “Ah, yes. Your savior complex. It’s irritating, but I also find it rather charming.”

I laughed with her, “Yeah. Like I said, I don’t do it on purpose. You can blame my dad for it if you want. He’s the one I get it from.”

She smiled, “Anything I should know about your expectations?”

“The same things. Have trust and faith in me that I’m not stupid enough to do something to purposefully jeopardize what we have. And if you ever do have concerns about us or me, then come to me rather than trash talk me to your friends or disrespect my privacy by playing private investigator. I don’t play mind games and I don’t want a girlfriend who thinks it’s okay to play mind games with me. That part also applies to passive aggressive behavior. Like if you don’t like that I leave the toilet seat up, just tell me rather than get all pissy. Shit like that. Like we’re both adults, so we don’t need to do childish shit. Also, I have a daughter who is my entire world. While I’m more than willing to open myself up and let you part of that world, Cassidy will always come first and I need you to both understand and accept that.”

“Can do. I don’t expect to date a man who acts like a boy, so you can expect me to not act like a child myself. Anything else?”

I thought about it, and then took a deep breath, deciding to let her be aware of my deepest fear. “If you ever do have concerns about our relationship and they’re concerns that you can’t move past- like break up worthy stuff- please, please tell me right away. Don’t blindside me or lead me on. Ripping off the band-aid will make losing you a little more bearable. It’s hard explaining to Cass why ‘Daddy’s friend’ doesn’t come over anymore.”

Her eyes went a little wide and she leaned back. “Whoa… Okay… I can promise that I’ll come to you with our problems. But, I can’t promise that I’ll automatically throw in the towel if I ever have doubts. I’d want to try to work through those doubts first. But I can promise that I’ll make you aware of them.”

I nodded. “Yeah, that was heavy, I know. And thank you. I know it’s not an easy thing to ask someone, much less agree to it.”

“Ash, nothing you’ve asked is unreasonable. You have a daughter to think about and you guys are a package deal. We’ve both come from relationships that left a few scars. This relationship is new and scary. But, as long as we do things we’ve agreed on, I don’t see us having any problems.”

“No? You don’t want to run after that lovely confession of me being scared as hell that you’ll leave?” I half-teased.

“Hey, you have just as much chance of breaking up with me as I do with you,” she clarified.

I shook my head, laughing, “Like I’d ever break up with a girl like you.”

She laughed with me, “I could say the same thing. Anything last demands, boyfriend?”

“Uh… yeah, just one more. Would you mind coming with Cass and me to my parents on Sunday? It’s uh… kind of my birthday...”

She grinned, “I’d love too.”

I couldn’t hold back anymore and I reached across the table, pulling her face towards mine. I kissed her hard and she kissed back with just as much fierceness, our relationship sealing itself on our lips.

~~~

Tag List (I’m waiting...)

@goeatsomelife @flameraine @cashtonasff5sos @here-for-the-uproars @cxddlyash @1-irwin-94 @baldcalum @sparkling-chaos @tea4sykes @youngblood199456 @5-seconds-of-obsession

#choices #chapter 3 #ashton irwin #ashton irwin fic #dad!ash #cop!ash #nashton #curious about taylor? guess you'll have to stick around for chapter 4 #ooo galcal that was cold #cant reveal all my secrets just yet #happy reading lovelies!#galcal irwin

23 notes · View notes

maddiefriendlovesbilly · 4 years

Note

can you do a ship prompt for polypie but like mission goes super wrong and one actually dies for like real and,,, sadnesss

(First of all, I just wanna apologize to anon for how long this took?? I kept forgetting to take my medicine because I was off my medicine,,,It literally only took a few hours to write I was just too busy procrastinating and being gay (also adhd but shh.))

The Asylum Case

Rating: PG-13, SFW

Ship: Poly P.I.E. (Ghost/Toast/Spooker/Colon)

Warnings: Lots of angst, Major Character Death, Descriptions of intense pain, Sadness >:3 (Tell me if I missed anything!)

Summary: Ghost recounts exactly how he got into his current predicament, which is dying.

Word Count: 1,829

They’re approximately 30 minutes into the investigation when everything, in Ghost’s humble opinion, goes to shit. “But every P.I.E. investigation goes to shit!” you say. Yes, that is, in fact, true, but Ghost has decided that bleeding out on the floor - very slowly, might he add, which is decidedly not fun - constitutes the creation of a new category of “gone to shit”. “But,” you say, “Why not just respawn?” and again, usually, Ghost would do just that - but there’s just one issue; he can’t. Let’s rewind.

They entered the decrepit asylum, joking and teasing and generally enjoying each other’s company - unsuspecting of the horrors yet to come. Once they were inside, the ghost wasted no time in introducing itself; it screamed its sob-story from nowhere in particular, voice bouncing off the walls and echoing down each corridor, all lined with empty cells. Ghost thought he heard sobbing from the one beside him, and so, using the keys the caretaker - who had been the one to call them to investigate, and who looked about as old and decrepit as the asylum - had given him, unlocked the door and (ignoring the disapproving sigh from Toast, and the alarmed yelps from the other two) entered. A girl sat huddled in the corner, long, matted, black hair cascading over her small form, blocking her face. Her tattered white dress hung loosely, and one sleeve slid from her small trembling shoulder as he approached and knelt down. A familiar dread washed over Ghost as he gently asked, “K-Katrina?”

Abruptly, the girl stopped shaking, before giggling once, twice, and then, neck cracking violently, her head shot up and she stared into his eyes with a wide, manic smile. He edged away, wondering why the others hadn’t entered, hadn’t said anything, hadn’t even made a sound since he’d approached Katrina, but he couldn’t look back, not now, because when he stumbled to his feet, backing away, she followed, neck craning oddly to one side. “Katrina-” he started, pleading, “Kat, hey, it’s me, Johnny! Remember?” He fumbled for the door handle, careening into the hall when it opened. No one else was there.

“Yessssss,” Katrina hissed, drawling, “I remember youuuu…” but she didn’t slow her advance; instead, she just kept hurtling towards him. As he ducked beneath a wild swing of her claw, he glimpsed it - the small, red, rope-pattern lines wrapping around her neck, exposed by its unnatural angle - and choked back a sob. “God, Kat, I’m sorry - I’m so sorry!” he heard himself plead. She didn’t seem to hear him, only muttered, “Johnny, Johnny, I remember, yes I remember Johnny. Johnny!” and took another swing. He scrambled back, gritting his teeth when a razor nail clipped his shoulder, and Katrina’s crazed grin widened. Something inside Ghost twitched at the sight, but he pushed it down, he didn’t have time to panic. “Toast?” he called as he scrambled down the empty hallways, “Spook? Colon?!”

No one answered, and Ghost felt his heart sink.

He fumbled with the keyring, detached it from his belt loop - which proved to be much more difficult while his hands shook violently - and jammed a key into the first lock he came across, throwing open the cell door and slamming it behind him, locking it back.

The old door’s hinges creaked dangerously with the force of Katrina’s hands slamming against it, and Johnny could only pray they didn’t give out under the stress. Slowly, the banging subsided and, hand over heart, he sighed in relief. Pulling out his phone, he hit Toast’s contact, and pulled the phone to his ear, listening to it ring. It clicked, and Toast’s blurted in a near-shout, “Sir, where the fuck are you?!” in the background he heard a short hysterical laugh, and Ghost felt one of his own bubble out past the tightness in his chest and the burning in his shoulder. “Just getting chased by a murderous vision from the past - you know, the usual.”

“Are you injured?”

“She nicked me, but its nothing serious.”

“Don’t do anything dangerous,” Spooker said in the background, “A ghost said we can’t respawn here and we don’t want to chance them being right.”

“Where are you, Sir? We’ll come find you.”

“Er,” Ghost muttered, trying to recall where he was, “I’m in a locked cell right now, not sure what floor - I think it’s B-hall though, so first floor probably,” he paused, putting on a cheery, guide-like voice, “Just follow the sounds of screeching and growling, and you should see a crazy lady pacing outside the door,” he said peeking through the small, barred window. Katrina spotted him and slammed a palm against the door, snarling. “take a sharp turn there and - remember this step because it is crucial okay? - sock her right in the face.”

Toast barked out a sharp, brittle laugh, “We’ll do our best.”

“I’ll see you in a few, I’m gonna hang up now because I don’t want to attract too much attention - these ancient hinges don’t exactly appreciate the abuse we’re putting them through.”

“Alright Sir, be careful.”

And careful he was, but you can’t exactly count on ghosts to obey the laws of physics, or even manners, really, because out of the blue, there was the caretaker, and boy did he look smug. “What a lovely reunion between old friends,” he croaked, “It’s almost enough to warm my cold, dead heart!” then cackled wildly. When Ghost didn’t so much as blink in surprise, he sobered, snapping at him, “Why aren’t you surprised? Everything went perfectly, none of you suspected a thing!”

“Dude, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I hunt ghosts for a living; this plot-twist happens every other week.”

“Damn! Well, either way, you’re gonna die here, so I guess it doesn’t really matter. Dead men tell no tales and all that.”

“Again, hate to do this, but literally every case a ghost says something along the lines of “Ohohoho you’re gonna die anyway, so it doesn’t really matter!” and here I am, alive and only slightly harmed.” Another bang reverberated around the room, and Ghost shuffled uncomfortably but couldn’t look away from the immediate threat.

“Oh, uh, exactly how many cases have you done?”

“Dunno,” Ghost shoved his hands into his pockets, “I’ve been doing this since I was like, sixteen, and our schedule’s kinda all over the place because you can’t really predict when a ghost is gonna show up, but we get at least three to seven cases a week, and about half of them are real.” Another slam, followed by creaking and a final loud rattling sound.

“Huh, half, really?”

“Yeah, people are stupid.”

“Agreed. Speaking of stupid, you let your guard down.”

“Oh.” Things seemed to slow down, a sharp pain stabbing through his back. He looked down, watching three claw-like fingers withdraw from his chest, leaving three little holes all the way through. He collapsed, head falling to the side as he coughed wetly, tasting iron. Almost calmly, he watched as blood pooled around him, before glancing up to the doorway, where the door had been ripped open, and now teetered ominously on its hinges. Katrina loomed over him, blood coating her claws.

And that’s it, that’s how he got here. Seconds later, he hears someone shout his name, and he feels the caretaker’s presence vanish. Katrina glances back, but it doesn’t give her enough time to react before a bullet rips through her solid form, followed by another, then another. She screeches and stumbles back, blindly tripping over the lump of Ghost while trying to shield herself from the incoming bullets. He groans as she falls over him, kicking his wounds. The puddle beneath him ripples, blood traveling in tiny rivers through the imperfections in the concrete floor. Absently, Ghost notes that his sight has gone fuzzy at the edges, and black static is creeping in. Katrina lets out one last screech before disappearing, and as soon as she’s gone Toast, Spooker, and Colon all rush to his side. He smiles weakly as Colon pulls his head into his lap, eyes watery. The other two looked similarly panicked, and Ghost finds himself wheezing, “Hey, it’s really not that bad, okay? You guys can just carry me out of here and I can respawn.” Blood bubbles in his throat as he speaks, and he has to turn to the side to cough it up when it scratches at his throat.

The others glance at each other and Ghost frowns, confused. “What?”

“If we moved you now,” Spooker explains, chewing his lip, “you’d probably die of blood loss before we got outside. And I’m not a doctor but I’m pretty sure you have a punctured lung.”

Ghost’s brows furrow and he laughs sadly. “Sucks to be me I guess…” he ignores the liquid gathering in the back of his mouth, swallowing. “Anybody here magically know first aid?”

They all grimace, shaking their heads. “Ah, well, worth a shot,” he rasps. He feels a tear drip down, catching on his jaw. His chest burns; a hot-cold sensation that tears through him every time he breathes. He can’t focus his eyes anymore, but he looks at the blurry figures he knows are his closest companions - the loves of his life - and smiles, even as more tears follow and he chokes down a gasp of pain. Someone’s holding his face and speaking to him gently, and he can’t understand the words, but he thinks it might be Colon, so he looks up at him. At the same time as a pair of lips meet his temple, and then again and again, until he’s being peppered with kisses. He can feel the body under him shaking now, and through the white-hot burning and the growing ringing in his ears, he makes out stammered apologies and ‘I-love-you’s, and he feels it aching in his bones because it’s not their fault, he did this, and he wishes all the way down to his core that he could go back, that he could undo the pain he knows paints their faces, but he can’t - he’s going to die here, slowly, painfully. The ringing is piercing now and the black static has spread to cover most of his vision, and he thinks he might be screaming, or apologizing, saying goodbye, but he can’t hear anything over the ringing so it’s possible that when he tries to tell them “I love you too” it comes out garbled and incomprehensible. His throat is raw now so he must be screaming, and it’s all so loud until suddenly everything stops.

There’s no ringing, or panic, or crying, or pain. Just empty blackness and total silence. He can’t move, because there’s nowhere to go, there’s nothing here, there’s only void. That is, until the sound of a single raindrop, followed by another, then another, breaks the silence, and like waking up, Ghost blinks, and finds himself standing in front of a grave.

#jess writes #jess answers #venturiantale #johnny ghost #johnny toast #fred spooker #chris colon ghostie #venturiantale pie

29 notes · View notes

angelkurenai · 5 years

Text

Imagine you and Jensen getting married in secret and your friend and costar, Robert Downey Jr, revealing it during a comic con.

“I think we got the script on-” Jensen started but he was cut off by the fans erupting into cheers. He frowned, in fact all of the people on the table did, but after looking at the table he decided to take a look behind him and a soft laugh escaped his lips. Everybody else on the table copied his movement and soon they found themselves laughing softly but clapping along with the fans as you stood behind them with a perplexed look.

“What the fuck?” you mouthed, looking at the fans and motioning at the men in front of you on the stage before you approached them, still trying to look as stunned and not burst in laughter “Is this Supernatural?” you mouthed once more, mimicking your costar Mark during another one of your costars, Paul's, interviews. Of course many fans got it and laughed even more while cheering for you.

“Whoa whoa we've got incoming! No alien fighting here, just some very old salty men answering questions, nothing special to see!” Rob was the first one to say with a grin.

“Seems like whenever you hear 'Loki' you show up, don't ya?” Richard asked with a smirk and you couldn't help a giggle at your friend wanting to tease you.

You grinned, approaching the table and throwing an arm over Jared's and Jensen's shoulder, while fighting the urge to kiss the living heaven out of the second because of his irresistible and breath-taking smile on his lips “I'll admit, the mention of Loki is a reason solid enough for me to be here, I think you guys can understand, right?” you spoke into Jared's microphone that he had brought closer to you and they all yelled yes, making you grin “But it's not the real reason, not at all.”

“Then what happened?” Jared asked with a grin and you sighed as heavily as you could, trying not to crack up a smile.

“I work with children, it's official, I'm the only adult in the entire Marvel cast.” you shook your head “I was back with RDJand uh I'll give everyone a simple tip, just in case you ever make the huge mistake to hang out with that man. Don't you ever listen to his suggestions, he's secretly planning your humiliation!” you pursed your lips, saying seriously.

“What did he do this time?” Jensen asked with a soft chuckle, unable to hold back his smile.

You looked at him and a smile instantly formed on your lips, his own being that contagious. His hand found yours hanging off his shoulder and you gave it a squeeze before he started rubbing soothing circles on it. A habit which he had gained over the years and that you now hoped the fans wouldn't notice, because you certainly couldn't bring yourself to pull away from him. Of course, the fans were aware of the fact that you knew each other as some photos had shown way back, five years ago. What they weren't aware was just how much closer you'd come lately though. You'd had a very hard time hiding it from them or the public, it required sacrifices sometimes, but you had ended up making it work.

“I was with him backstage and you know I'm terrible at remembering dates, right? Well, I didn't know where my phone was so I decided I should trust him! Trust Robert Downey Jr, yeah right. He can be like Jared Padalecki number 2 if he wants to!” you scoffed, shaking your head “So he said that our panel was today and I could check out the stage just in case. And he insisted that there was no way that there could be a panel going on at the moment. And you know it was pretty quiet so I thought that it was worth taking a look, that he couldn't be wrong, and now here I am. And by the way-” you looked at the fans “What's up with you guys? You were so quiet and I listened to Robert!”

“Well, it's maybe cause the Supernatural fans are well-behaved and polite, unlike others!” Jared sassed you and you couldn't help a giggle this time.

“Dare you imply Marvel fans aren't? Not to mention that some of them are also Supernatural fans.” you said back with a smirk “Besides, alright I can understand you, guys.” you nodded your head seriously, looking at them “Every time I open my TV I just fall completely speechless and breathless every time I see, well, this face!” you motioned at Jensen who this time lost it and burst in laughter, the adorable wrinkles by his eyes made your heart skip a beat as per always.

“I mean-” you laughed as well when the crowd went wild at your words, letting go of his arm and placing it on his shoulder where you gave another squeeze “No offence guys, but I will never deny my true identity.” you looked at Jared, Misha and Alex laughing “I'm a Dean-girl to the bone, who can blame me?”

“Well, excellent choice if I might say so!” Jensen said with a smirk, winking at you and causing nearly a hundred heart attacks to the poor fans watching you and having really no idea.

“She clearly has a type, what can you do?” you heard a voice behind you and when you turned, you saw Robert already holding a microphone and smiling widely. He walked forward to greet Misha, Jared and Alex and Jensen actually got on his feet to give him a hug; both of them giving some time to the audience to calm down before he could speak again.

“Alright, alright calm down. Calm down. We're all shook over the crossover I know, but sadly they haven't given us the script of Tony Stark and Dean Winchester meeting so don't get too excited, yes?” Robert said with a small smirk, always so casual, as he motioned for them to lower the volume “I believe we have more pressing matters.” he looked at you “Don't you think we should talk about you saying some not-so-nice things about me and misleading everyone?”

“The way he's narrowing his eyes at me is actually scaring me.” you watched him suspiciously “What sort of revenge are you planning, Downey?”

“Me? Revenge? No!” he scoffed “No, no. I'm not that kind of guy, not my forte you see. I forgive very easily at that. Ask Rogers if you want, I don't even hold any hard feelings.” he shrugged and all you did was raise an eyebrow at him “Hence...” he nodded his head, trailing off.

“Civil War and Infinity War, yeah, I know. Been there to clean up your mess.” you shrugged.

“Alright then, I will only make one question and be on my way and not interrupt the panel any further. I feel like as a fan, I could have that right, yes?” he looked at Rob and Richard who nodded their heads in amusement.

“Well, yes of course you can.” Richard said with a grin.

“Well, I wanted to asked your very talented and skilled writer, Andrew, huge fan of the work you've done here by the way.” he said so casually you actually held your breath, serious and curious to hear what he would say because you had not talked about this when you first planned all of this.

“Uh thank you, thank you, it's a honor to hear it from you.” Andrew said with a soft chuckle but certainly sincere words.

“Oh don't mention it, I'm a fanboy right now. Just standing on the opposite side of where the rest are, don't mind it. So uh my question is-” he cleared his throat, fixing his suit's jacket and getting very serious “How long do you think Mrs (Y/n)... Ackles's character in Supernatural will resist before the tension between her and Dean becomes too much for everybody to ignore and you just oh give the newlyweds' characters a kissing scene?”

And that was all the fans needed to erupt into deafening cheering and clapping, screaming like crazy for the two of you, as they all stood on their feet. All your husband did was laugh, throwing his head back at the surprise your friend actually had for you, enjoying the surprise more than all of them too. All you did was gasp hard, your eyes widening before you finally shut them tightly and hid your red face behind your hands, laughing in disbelief. You shook your head, still unable to believe he'd said it.

“Thank you.” Robert nodded his head with a big smile.

“Awesome!” you heard Jensen's laughter “That was just awesome!” you saw him shake his friend's hand before he just wrapped his arms around and kissed your head, temple, cheek and then lips. You still laughed against his lips but didn't even think of kissing him back and cupping his cheek, just as the rest of your friends clapped for you.

“And now-” Robert spoke but the fans were nowhere near calm “Let's give a round of applause for Mr and Mrs Ackles, even louder than the first one, because they managed to keep their relationship a secret for four years... and Tom Holland and Mark Ruffalo can't keep themselves from spoiling something for 1 second.” and he got just what he asked for, making you giggle.

“Ok, for real now?” you said after they had somehow calmed down, but it wasn't that fast anyway “Truth was Jensen and I had been planning about this reveal for like a couple months now but we couldn't come to a decision because no way seemed good enough to reveal not only a hidden relationship and engagement but also wedding!”

“Seems like we don't need to anymore.” Jensen said with a grin and shrug of his shoulders, and you laughed, resting your head on his shoulder.

“Seems like we don't, no.” you repeated.

“Robert Downey Jr, everybody, an applause for him, you guys!” he motioned to Robert as he still had an arm wrapped around your shoulders. The fans did as Jensen asked making Robert finally crack and laugh.

“Just admit it, you had not planned for this, had you?” Jensen asked you, looking at you with a smirk and you nodded your head.

“I didn't know he was going to do that, no.” you shook your head.

“But he spared us all the trouble. So we can only thank him!” he gave you a kiss on the temple “Because we weren't gonna make that announcement anytime soon, that's for sure.”

“Maybe when you had grandchildren, then that would be a good opportunity!” Jared said with a grin, teasing you.

“Seems like that's what we'd end up doing, yes.” your husband said with a smile, before turning to look at Andrew “By the way, hey, before he leaves: You didn't get to answer his question and he really wants to know!”

“Robert or you?” his best friend and best man said with a smirk and you laughed.

Jensen shrugged ever-so-casually, nodding his head “Yeah me too, I guess. But I'm warning you-” he pointed a finger at Andrew “I won't last for more than half an episode!”

“I think-” Andrew laughed “I think we will just make it a surprise, Jensen, for when you get the script next week. But sadly, Robert and everybody else, you'll have to wait a little longer than that.”

“Oh I don't worry, I will end up finding out next week along with Jensen as well. I'm gonna camp outside your set.” Robert just shrugged, making your all laugh.

…

“And before I leave, let me give everyone another small heart attack by placing this here-” he took a few steps forward and placed a card that said '(Y/n) Ackles' next to Jensen's “And let me remind you our panel is tomorrow.”

“I still don't trust him on that.” you said, shaking your head “He'll make me reveal a pregnancy or something.”

“What?!” your friends, but Jensen above all, exclaimed with wide eyes. All Robert did was laugh to himself.

1K notes · View notes

master-sass-blast · 5 years

Text

Found Family, Part One --Wade.

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS ONE. I HAVE BEEN PLANNING THIS PIECES FOR M O N T H S.

Summary: A brief look at yours and Wade’s siblingship, and all that it entails.

Rating: T for adult language, mentions of abuse/mental health issues/suicide, and mild angst.

Pairings: Piotr Rasputin x Reader and Nathan Summers x Wade Wilson.

@marvel-is-perfection, @chromecutie

Some say that the two of you together are a disaster. A cruel joke by the universe unfairly cast upon the rest of society. A recipe for total destruction.

You know better than to buy into what any of the bystanders and onlookers say. The two of you, while admittedly destructive, are like air to each other; without one another, neither of you would be able to survive.

Wade Wilson is your –adoptive—brother, you’re his –adoptive—sister, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

The technical beginning of your wonderful sibling-ship with Wade Wilson starts when you help him prank Scott Summers in the dead of night, but that’s not where things really started. At least, not in your view of things.

No, they start the next day, when Wade knocks on your door half an hour before noon. He’s dressed in the most outrageous, neon pink and green Hawaiian shirt, orange camo jeggings, and bright, ‘fuck you’ blue Crocs.

“You eat lunch yet?” he asks, seemingly oblivious to the way your eyes are blinking their protest at the amalgamation of colors he’s wearing.

“Uh… no?”

“Great!” He loops an arm around your shoulders and steers you down the hall. “Let’s go get some! I’m buying.”

Dopinder, as it turns out, is a sweet and gentle soul –despite his weird thirst for vengeance. He drives the two of you to a downtown diner –and takes Wade’s weirdness with considerable grace and stride, which isn’t something you’ve witnessed from anyone else yet—and drops you off with the promise to wait until the two of you are done eating.

“I’m pretty sure you’re shafting his ability to earn a livable income,” you say as a waitress seats you and Wade at a booth adjacent to a window.

Wade snorts. “As if. One, I tip him in chicken nuggets, which is more than anyone else ever does. B, I’m helping him get into the mercenary industry, which pays way better than driving a fucking taxi ever will. And four, he doesn’t mind.”

You open your menu, start scanning the options, then freeze.

There’s so many choices –fuck, you’ve never even eaten out at a proper restaurant before. Your parents were too focused on ‘keeping you safe’ to let you have a proper childhood, dammit.

“Don’t know what to do?” The corner of Wade’s mouth turns up when you give him a ‘deer in headlights’ look. “I figured you probably didn’t have much experience with this. Russell didn’t either. Consider today your crash course in ‘how the world works.’”

“…Thanks.” You look down at the menu quickly to hide the tears that are already blurring your vision. “Uh, what do I get?”

“Whatever you want! They do all day breakfast here, and –in my opinion—there’s no bad time to eat a pancake.”

You smile. Pancakes do sound good. You peruse the menu for a moment longer, and the waitress is back to take your orders.

Wade orders a mountain of food. If he notices the way the waitress’s eyes bug out while he rattles off his insanely long order, he doesn’t let it stop him. He just keeps going, and her pen keeps flying across the page of her little book.

When he finishes, she turns to you, looking somewhat shell-shocked. “And for you, sweetheart?”

You copy Wade’s method of ordering –but not the length of his order. “Pancakes, bacon on the side, extra maple syrup, please.”

The look of relief on her face is almost comical as she jots that down. She promises to have everything out “as quick as possible,” then takes your menus and walks away.

Wade grins at you. “Look at you. You’re a natural!”

You can’t help but grin back.

You spend the rest of the day with Wade –and Dopinder, since he has to drive the two of you around. Wade takes you to various stores, having you buy yourself something –a book, a movie, a scarf—at each place so you can get used to interacting with people and handling monetary transactions.

You’re touched in a way that you can’t begin to describe. Sure, Professor Xavier and his team of mutants can help you get your mutation-related abilities under control, but no one’s offered to help you integrate into the real world yet. It’s like Wade’s thrown you a life-line you didn’t realize you needed.

When Dopinder drops the two of you off at the mansion, Colossus is waiting for you on the front step, arms crossed over his massive chest and a disapproving frown set on his face. “Taking young ones of property without permission is not allowed, Wade. You know this.”

“Okay, first of all, she’s not a ‘young one;’ she’s over eighteen, which means she’s allowed to come and go as she pleases. Even I know enough law stuff to know that. Secondly—”

“We’ll try to give you a head’s up next time, Colossus,” you interject before things can too far out of hand. “Sorry for making you worry.”

His expression softens considerable as his gaze switches over to you. “That is reasonable. Did you have nice day out?”

You smile and nod. “Yeah. Wade showed me around New York. It was cool.”

“See? I’m cool. Relax, Chrome Dome. I know what I’m doing.”

Colossus shakes his head, but he’s still smiling. “We will make X-Man of you yet, Wade.”

Wade’s full attention turns to you as the metal giant turns and heads back inside. “You were all smiles with him, huh?”

You narrow your eyes at Wade. “So what? Smiling is a normal human thing!”

“Sure,” Wade says, drawing out the ‘u.’ “You like him, don’t you?”

“Only as much as you like Cable!”

It’s Wade’s turn to narrow his eyes. “I do not like Cable. I merely have a ‘healthy fascination’ with him and his metal arm. And his awesome gun.”

You smile sweetly at Wade and step inside. “Glad we’ve got that all settled, then.”

Wade pretty well takes you under his wing after that. The two of you have the same penchant for wild mischief –and fucking with Scott Summers—so it’s no surprise that you get along like ducks and water.

But what no one else notices –which, admittedly, is probably because they’re so used to cleaning up after yours and Wade’s hijinks—is that Wade does more than just rope you into his nonsense.

The two of you need to run to a store to pick up supplies for your latest prankster endeavor? He has you make a list, estimate how much it’ll cost, keep track of the route on Dopinder’s GPS, and puts you in charge of navigating the store while you track down everything you need.

He gets bored of being cooped up in the mansion? He takes you out for an adventure, teaches you how to navigate streets and pick out safe places to duck into if you run into trouble.

He buys you your first laptop and cellphone, shows you how to customize everything for “maximum fun.” (And, when his knowledge runs out, he just sets you down in front of Ellie and has her teach you how to be safe on the Internet and how to avoid getting ten thousand viruses on your computer.)

The man makes sure you get a proper sex-ed course. Not one where he just cracks inappropriate jokes –though there are a lot of those going around—but a real one. The ins and outs of consent, how to avoid getting STDs, basic anatomy, how to spot cancer on both sets of genitals.

And it’s all of this that leaves you convinced that Wade Wilson is one of the smartest persons you’ve ever met.

It’s not hard to learn how to read Wade Wilson. Once you get past all the shock value of the jokes, vulgar language, and weird habits, he’s an open book that has its heart on its cover.

He’s lonely. Not the creepy, ‘I’m forty years old and I’m lonely so I spend a lot of time with people half my age’ lonely, mind you. He’s just… lonely. Sad, even.

He hates his skin. That much is obvious from all the long sleeves and layers he wears, even in the dead of summer. And while you don’t see anything wrong with the way he looks, he does, and that’s the only opinion that matters in his book.

Wade Wilson is also a man that wrestles with a lot of demons. His healing factor didn’t cure him of his cancer, so he faces excruciating pain on a daily basis. The loss of his girlfriend –who stuck with him after he got fucked over by Francis and turned into ‘an avocado that got fucked by an older avocado’—is a gaping hole in his chest that he doesn’t know how to plug. His self-loathing is a constant presence in his mind, and the amount of skin he covers is a decent giveaway for just how much he’s hating himself at a given moment.

He kills himself because he “can’t really die.”

And it’s when you watch Colossus and a few other X-Men deal with the aftermath of one of Wade’s “visits to Vanessa” that you decide that this crazy man might need you as much as you need him.

You happen to catch a glimpse of him in the hall a few days later, decked out in his Deadpool suit.

There’s only two reasons Wade wears that suit: he’s getting ready for a fight, or he’s in the pits of self-hatred (or both). But he doesn’t have his swords on him, which means he’s not gearing up for a fight—

You dart down the hall and latch onto one of his arms. “Hey, dude! I just had this great idea that we have to try.”

“Well, don’t keep me waiting, Aang!” Wade chirps back –but his voice is heavily strained, and, yep, you were right about his mental state. “What do we just have to try?”

You don’t actually have an idea on hand, so you just blurt the first thing that pops into your head. “Dessert burritos.”

Wade cocks his head back and considers the idea for a moment. “Dessert… burritos. Holy shit, you’re a genius.”

You grin –his tone’s brighter, lighter, which means you’ve managed to pull him out of his funk a little.

He grabs your hand and starts skipping down the hallway. “To the kitchen!”

Operation “Dessert Burritos” ends in nothing short of a disaster. You and Wade try to make pancakes to act as tortillas, and since neither of you can cook anything other than instant noodles, you wind up burning every attempt at you make. Three flaming skillets get chucked out the back door and two more are doused under the kitchen sink faucet before the two of you decide to call it quits on the ‘pancake’ alley.

So, then, the next logical step seems to be ice cream sundaes –except that Wade is still stuck on the ‘burrito’ concept, so he tries to wrap ice cream in a regular tortilla, which winds up tasting terrible for obvious reason, so Wade spits it out in the trashcan, except he misses part of his target and winds up spraying the front of the can with half his mouthful of ice cream and tortilla.

And then the two of you wind up unpacking the fridge and most of the pantry to find “sundae appropriate toppings” because Colossus is a health nut who keeps the kitchen stocked with healthy things—

And then Wade wants to try microwaving Gushers because why not, and you’ve never been one to say no to an opportunity to do something you’ve never done before—

And thus is all the chaos Colossus walks in on when he pops his head into the kitchen to see what the two of you are up to.

You’re eating fudge ripple ice cream straight out of the carton with a serving spoon, perched on the kitchen. You wave at him with the spoon as his face goes slack with shock. “Hey, dude! What’s up?”

Wade’s swearing up a storm while he tries to get molten Gusher remains off his face –he’d opted to take his mask off while he ate, and you’re suspecting that he’s regretting that decision now.

Colossus covers his face with both his hands and groans. “Wade—”

“Hey, man,” you interject before he can lambaste your honorary sibling too badly. “This was one hundred percent my idea. Don’t worry, we’ll get it all cleaned up. It’ll be like it never happened, I promise.” You pause, then add “Well, the gushers in the microwave was Wade’s idea. He’s on his own for that.”

“Oh, fuck you!”

“Hey, I told you not to stick your face into the microwave, but no, Pikachu knows everything!”

Colossus just sighs and shakes his head. “You two are destructive.”

“Hey, at least we didn’t short circuit the microwave this time!” You offer him an impish smile. “We’re doing better than we usually do.”

He puts his hands on his hips, looking every bit the stern father –but the corner of his mouth turns up as he shakes his head again. “I suppose you are correct.”

“Yupp. Like I said, don’t worry. We’ll totally handle the clean up and everything.”

He casts a concerned, appraising look around the kitchen, but still favors you with a small smile when his gaze finally settles on you again. “Well, I suppose I leave you both to it, then.”

The two of you have to spend the rest of the day cleaning and scrubbing to get the kitchen back in order. Wade’s none too happy about it, but you do your best to make it bearable for him –music, banter, the works.

And, bonus, cleaning with him means he has to stay with you, which means he can’t wallow in self-loathing. He’s not his bright, bubbly self, but he’s not falling apart either, which is a win in your book.

It’s dark out by the time the two of you finish getting everything put away. Normally, you’d just call it a day, but it’s not hard to see the darkness swimming behind Wade’s eyes—

“Hey, man, you wanna have a sleepover in the rec room tonight?”

Wade gasps, and his eyes genuinely light up. “Sleepovers are my favorite!”

You grin. “They’re my favorite, too! Come on, go get changed and I’ll meet you there. You still need to catch me up on all the reality TV stuff.”

The two of you are getting the rec room set up for the night when you hear Colossus’s heavy footsteps in the hall.

You pat Wade’s shoulder before hopping over the couch. “I’ll deal with him. Pick out something for us to watch. I’ll be back in five, ten minutes max.”

The metal giant himself is in the kitchen, checking up on everything before he goes to bed, it would seem.

You watch him for a couple moments –you don’t miss the surprised expression on his face at the orderly state of the kitchen, either—before making your presence known. “Making sure we held up our end of things?”

The expression on his face is guilty when he looks over his shoulder at you.

“It’s fine,” you chuckle as you step into the kitchen, holding up your hands in a disarming gesture. “I would if I were you, too.”

He ducks his head a little, but he’s smiling. “I do not wish to seem judgmental.” He looks past you –or, rather, over you—and frowns at the glow of the TV. “You two are still up?”

You glance over your shoulder, then step closer to the man of metal and lower your voice. “Wade’s had a rough day today. I just… I don’t want to leave him alone, you know?”

Understanding settles on Colossus’s steel features; he nods. “Da.”

“We’re just gonna hang out for the night, have a sleepover,” you add. “No more kitchen adventures –speaking of which, one of the skillets was not salvageable.”

Colossus huffs out a gentle laugh, crosses his arms over his massive chest, and shakes his head. “Somehow, I am not surprised.”

“You gotta admit, it’s better than our usual levels of collateral damage.”

“I suppose.” He smiles softly at you for a moment before clearing his throat and looking away. “Well, I leave you both to it.”

“Thanks. Goodnight, Colossus.”

“Rest well, Y/N.”

You watch him go for a minute –watch the way the muscles in his back and shoulders ripple as he walks—before you shake yourself out of the daze Colossus never fails to put you in and head back to Wade. “All taken care of. We’re free to poison our brains with reality TV drama all we want!”

Wade doesn’t look up at you when you walk in. He’s seated on the middle of the couch, jaw tight and lips pursed as he stares ahead at the TV screen. “I don’t need your fucking pity.”

You blink, shocked by the sudden outburst and his surly mood. It doesn’t take much to put together that he probably heard your conversation in the kitchen –Colossus’s voice always carries—but even if he didn’t it’s not too far out of Wade’s “normal” for him to assume that he’s only getting the scraps of what decent treatment he deserves.

Either way, you’re not having this argument. Not now, not ever.

You put your hands on your hips and fix him with a stern look. “Good, because I’m not giving you any.”

Your sharp tone makes his eyes widen, and he actually looks away from the glowing screen to stare at you.

“I don’t know if you noticed, dumbass,” you continue, tossing in a mild insult to help him figure out you’re serious, “but I care about you. You’re the one person in this mansion that made sure I’d be able to function in the real world if I had to, and I’ll be damned if I’m just gonna let you flounder when you’re feeling down. And that’s not pity, jackass. It’s called being a decent fucking human being. Got it?”

“Pretty sure it’s pity when the person isn’t obligated to care about you,” Wade throws back, smiling bitterly.

And you understand where he’s coming from. After Vanessa died, all the help he’s been getting has come from the X-Men, and how can it not look like a pity handout when the people helping you have their lives and themselves so extraordinarily put together?

You’ve felt the same way about it on more than one sleepless night.

You let out an irritated huff and cross your arms over your chest. “Fine. I’m hereby adopting you as my brother. Now, as your new sister, I’m obligated to care about you. Are we doing this sleepover or what?”

Wade blinks at you, then grins. It’s tired, and it’s worn down, but it’s not bitter.

You’ll take it.

“Hell yeah we are.” He scoots over so you can sit next to him. “These are reruns of ‘Say Yes to the Dress.’ This one’s the ‘Bridezilla’ edition.”

“Sweet.” You plop down on the couch just in time to see a particularly distraught bride-to-be throw a fascinator at her mother. “Holy shit.”

“Just wait,” Wade says, all too gleeful. “It gets better.”

You wake up in the gray pre-dawn of the next day and nearly smack your head into Wade’s.

The two of you had taken half the couch each, with heads in the middle so you could hear each other talk and avoid kicking each other in the middle of the night.

Wade’s still asleep, one hand holding onto one of yours.

The sight makes you smile, makes you feel a little less despair over the state of the world.

You squeeze his hand, then nudge his head when he doesn’t stir. “Wake up, idiot.”

Wade groans. “Too early.”

“Yeah, which is why I’m putting you back to bed.” You tug him off the couch and walk him towards the main staircase. “Come on. Your ancient back needs a proper mattress.”

“Not ancient.”

“Yes, you are, you geriatric motherfucker.”

You manage to get him up the stairs and to his room without incident. He drops into his bed with a grunt, and you tuck a blanket around him and wait for him to start snoring again.

And then you get to work.

It takes a couple minutes, but you manage to find all the guns and knives Wade keeps on him while at the Institute. You tuck the numerous weapons into your arms, then pad out of his room.

Colossus is in the hall –already dressed for the day, the morning bird. He frowns, concerned, when he sees your armload of weaponry. “What—”

“Don’t worry,” you toss over your shoulder as you walk precisely one door to the left. “I’m not using them.” You kick the door a couple times with your foot, then step back and wait.

Nathan Summers, alias Cable, opens the door a few seconds later. He takes one good look at the guns and knives in your arms, then raises an eyebrow at you as if to say ‘what the fuck do you want me to do with those?’

“Wade’s been in a mood,” you say, as if that explains everything –which, technically, it does. “And you actually know how to store these properly.”

He sighs, but doesn’t look too put-out about it, and opens the door more. “Bring them in.”

You dump the arsenal on his bed when he motions for you to do so, watch as he puts gunlocks on the various firearms and tucks the knives and other bladed weapons into the top drawer of his nightstand.

Colossus watches from the hall, hovering nervously in a way that should not be possible for someone of his side.

“If you’re cool with it, I’m gonna leave a note for Wade to let him know to see you if he wants his shit back,” you say as Nathan tucks Wade’s guns into a duffel bag. “He probably won’t be up before noon.”

Nathan sighs, but nods anyway. “Not like I’m going anywhere else.”

“Thanks,” you say, and you mean it. “I wouldn’t have known what to do with all this.”

“Anytime, kid.”

Colossus watches you carefully as you walk back into the hall and close Nathan’s door behind you. “You… care a great deal for Wade.”

It’s not hard to hear the unspoken question, mostly because it’s easy to see how someone might confuse the easy camaraderie you and Wade have always had for something else. Something… less platonic.

You shrug and tell the truth. “He’s my brother.”

Finding out that Colossus –Piotr, his name is Piotr, and you think you could spend the rest of your life saying his name without ever getting tired of how it feels on your lips—likes you is a world-changing revelation.

You know by the looks Wade keeps sending you throughout lunch, the afternoon, and dinner that he’s going to want a full report on everything that’s happened with Piotr.

You can’t wait to give him one.

You also can’t help but notice the way that the door to Wade’s room is cracked open and the lights are on as Piotr walks you back to your room –ostensibly so you know he’s ‘in’ and will pop in to give him the full rundown, but probably also so he can eavesdrop, the little shit.

But you can’t find it in yourself to care all that much because Piotr’s hand is holding yours and you can’t imagine ever feeling anything better than what you’re feeling right now.

He walks you to your door, smiles fondly down at you. “I have work tonight. I doubt I will see you before morning.”

“So you’re ‘saying goodnight just in case?’” You ask, smiling back as giddy excitement coils in your stomach.

“Something like that, da.” And then he dips his head and presses his lips against yours.

You can’t help but gasp, just a little, and lift your hand to his shoulder to steady yourself.

The kiss ends all to soon –for your liking and Piotr’s, if the look he gives you is anything to go by.

He presses his forehead against yours before stepping back. “Goodnight, myshka.”

“Goodnight, Piotr.” You let your fingers slip from his as he walks away and watch him as he retreats down the hall.

He looks over his shoulder before he turns the corner to head downstairs. He smiles when he sees you watching, and blows you a kiss before disappearing from view—

And then, right on cue, Wade opens his door and grins at you.

You just cover your face with your hands and let out an excited squeal. You’re too excited to be annoyed with Wade, dammit.

He tugs you in his room. “I have snacks. Now, tell me everything.”

The two of you talk for hours, demolishing several bags of fun-sized candies and two packages of Keebler Fudgestripes.

“No fucking way!” Wade brays. “He was pet-naming you for the better part of a year? What a dork!”

“Well, he’s my dork now, so mind your mouth.” You grin stupidly, then squeal as you fall over onto Wade’s bed.

“Oh my gosh, you’re so cute I could die.”

There’s a knock on the doorframe, and Piotr –still out of defense mode, which is gonna take some serious getting used to—pokes his head into Wade’s room. “You are still up?” He frowns when he sees the numerous wrappers covering Wade’s bed. “Did you eat all that?”

You giggle at your boyfriend. “Kinda. We got carried away.”

He shakes his head in an all-too-familiar disapproving gesture, but an amused smile plays at his lips. “Is not good to consume so much sugar this late, myshka. You will be up half of night.”

“Unless I find a way to burn it off.” You grin at him. “Mind accompanying me on a late night stroll?”

He smiles softly at you. “Konechno –of course.”

“God, you two are so barf-worthy,” Wade gushes as you hop off his bed. “I love it.”

You catch Nathan in the hall as Piotr escorts you towards the stairs.

He smirks at the two of you, presumably having gotten an update from Wade and Ellie. “Going somewhere?”

“Just for a walk.” You jerk your head back towards Wade’s room, where light is still spilling into the hallway from his open door. “I bet he could use some company right now.”

Nathan shakes his head and mutters something that sounds like ‘clingy’ under his breath, but he stills strides over to Wade’s room anyway. He pauses at the doorway, frowning. “Did you eat all of that?”

“Yes, he did!” you shout. “You should have seen it; it was horrifying!”

“Lies!” Wade shouts back from his room. “Lies, lies, all fucking lies and slander!”

Piotr chuckles and tugs on your hand. “Come, myshka. Before you get into more trouble.”

You grin as you follow him down the stairs. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Watching Nate finally –finally—kiss Wade is like getting to the end of a good slow-burn book. You’ve loved watching the build-up, loved placing bets with everyone else on when those two would finally get their heads out of their asses and realize they were basically dating already, but God it’s such a relief to see them actually do something other than flirt with each other.

And one good turn deserves another, which is why you dig a box of maple sugar candies that you’d been saving for Wade’s birthday out of your dresser drawer and head over to Wade’s room.

Nathan’s already in there, holding Wade in his arms as they snuggle on Wade’s bed.

You can’t help but grin. “God, you two are so barf worthy. I love it.”

Wade sticks his tongue out at you. “We’re gonna give you and Metallica a run for your ‘hashtag goals’ money. Just you watch.”

“Good fucking luck.” You gesture at him with the box. “Wanna give me the ‘full rundown? I brought snacks.”

“I never say no to snacks.” He makes grabby hands for the box, then gasps softly when he sees the label. “Where’d you get these?”

“Vermont. The school took the kids on a field trip to a maple syrup farm. They’re the real deal.”

Wade tears the box open with all the delicacy of a rabid badger. “You do love me.”

“Always have, bro.”

Nathan frowns down at the little candies shaped like maple leaves. “The fuck are those?”

“Only the best thing on the face of the damn planet.” Wade holds one up to his boyfriend’s mouth. “Open up, sweetcheeks.”

Nate bites off part of the candy. His eyes widen immediately, and he spits the lump of melting sugar out onto a tissue. “Fuck. Too sweet.”

Wade gasps. “I’ll have you know that, as a Canadian, you’ve just committed a heresy. I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to see other people.”

Nathan snorts as he chucks his tissue into a nearby wastebasket. “Can’t get rid of me that easy, gorgeous.”

You can’t help but smile as Wade nuzzles Nate’s shoulder affectionately. “I just wanna say: I fucking told you so.”

“Shut up,” Wade shoots back. “You did not.”

“Wade, how long did I tell you that he liked you? How fucking long?”

“Yeah, well how long did I tell you that our resident steel boyscout liked you?” Wade rolls his eyes, then raises the pitch of his voice. “No, he doesn’t, we’re just friends, he doesn’t feel the same way!”

“I do not sound like that!”

“Uh, yeah you do! That’s why I made my voice sound like that.”

“Listen, asshole—”

“Language, myshka.” Piotr leans against the doorframe, smiling fondly at you. “Be nice.”

You point imperiously at Wade. “He started it!”

“Yeah, and I finished it! No performance anxiety here!”

Nate rolls his eyes. “You’re both insane.”

“Yeah? So?” You pluck two maple sugar candies out of the box –ignoring Wade’s squawks of protest as you do—then nab a tissue from the dresser before turning to Piotr. “Here. Try this.”

He eyes the candy, then the tissue, with admittedly fair suspicion. “What is this?”

“Candy.”

He gestures with the tissue. “And this?”

“Call it a safe bet.”

He sighs, then takes a delicate bite of the candy –and, sure enough, promptly spits it out into the tissue. “Bozhe moi, much too sweet.”

“Saw that coming.” You pop your entire candy into your mouth and let out a moan of contentment. “So good.”

“I know,” Wade says as he pops another bite of sugar molded into the shape of a leaf in his mouth. He makes a noise that in any other context would’ve been downright obscene and flops against Nathan’s chest.

“You’re both sugar fiends,” Nathan grumbles, putting an arm around Wade’s shoulders.

“I like to think of it as ‘well-adjusted.’” You grin teasingly at your own boyfriend. “What’s the matter, babe? Can’t handle a little sugar?”

He latches onto your hand and draws you into his arms. “Perhaps, you are just only sweet thing I need in life,” he says as he drops a kiss against the top of your head.

“Ew,” Wade mock-whines. “Get your PDA out of here!”

You roll your eyes at him. “Says the guy who’s literally sitting in his boyfriend’s lap.”

Despite the banter, you’re legitimately happy. You’ve got your happy ending, and Wade’s got his.

Look at us, bro, you think as the four of you share laughs. Champions of overcoming the shittiest obstacles. Go us.

#sass writes #piotr rasputin x reader #colossus x reader #nathan summers x wade wilson #cablepool #i know the warning look scary but this really is just a fluff fest #deadpool fanfic #x men fanfiction

81 notes · View notes

anchorsandadderall · 5 years

Text

Potholes and Pumpkin Pie

Rating: G

Mechanic AU that begins with a flat tire and ends in a rousing argument about Thanksgiving desserts. For @gfdisterek because car troubles suck and I like to think that they end in something good sometimes.

It’s a quiet Wednesday at Derek’s shop. Days around a holiday usually are for mechanics. Beacon Hills is close to approximately nothing of note or interest, so incoming relatives are usually fetched from the airport by their loved ones. It’s that or risk spending precious pre-prep time out searching the back roads in the woods for them when they get lost. So, Derek is sitting behind the front desk, flipping through a copy of Top Gear from June and pondering the merits of ordering newer ones for the waiting room, when the bell above the door jingles to announce someone is coming it. They come in so hard that the bell smacks into the metal framing above the door, making a jarring clang.

Derek startles and looks up, scowling and prepared to tell someone to take it easy on his damn door. Standing there, though, is a guy who looks like he took a detour to Hell on his way to work. His light blue shirt is wrinkled and disheveled and has a wide swath of a dark brown coffee stain across the chest that even makes it down to his khakis. Half of his brown hair is gelled into an ‘artfully messy’ look. The other half is actually messy and slightly damp. When the guy braces his hands on the desk and almost collapses against it, his amber eyes are wild and kind of desperate. Derek decides not to push him any further.

“OhmygodI’msogladyou’reopen!” the guy says, all of the words leaving his mouth in one long rush.

“…Yeah, I’m open,” Derek says, keeping his voice carefully even. The last thing he needs is to excite this guy even more. “You need to breathe.”

The guy nods furiously and sucks in a hard breath. “Right. Breathe. I’m breathing.”

“Good.” Derek looks over the guy’s shoulder and sees a blue Jeep out front. It looks old, but it’s in one piece. So, his very wired customer probably didn’t just get into an accident. “What can I do for you?”

“I hit a pothole and I need a tire. Like, super quick. I’m late for work.”

Derek grabs a clipboard with an inspection sheet already clipped to it and stands up from his chair. “Let me take a look at it and see if I can patch it.”

The guy pushes off the desk and follows right on Derek’s heels to the door. “No, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna need a new tire. Right now.”

Derek opens his mouth to tell the guy that a shop this small doesn’t just stock tires, especially not ones big enough for a Jeep, but he stops in the door to the shop. He’s only vaguely aware that the guy runs into him (and that his shirt is still really wet).

“What… happened to your tire?” The tire is more shredded than anything Derek has ever seen before. And he’s seen branches and half-boulders do a lot of bad shit to cars. But this tire is in ribbons. Multiple ribbons of fat black rubber, hanging sad and limp from the rim, like one of those dogs with eyes always covered by their hair.

“Pothole.”

Derek looks over his shoulder at the guy. “Just how fast were you going?”

“I was late for work.”

It’s not an answer but it also kind of is. It’s like invoking the 5th amendment. “Right. Well, you’re right. You need a new tire.”

“Great. How long will that take? I’m late for work.”

“So you’ve said.” Derek heads outside and starts to write in the vehicle information on the form. Jeep. Blue. New tire needed. “I don’t have anything in stock that’s going to fit your car. I’ll need to order the tire.”

The guy makes a wounded sound. “When… will it get here? Soon?”

“Uh… maybe Friday? Nowhere is gonna be open tomorrow since it’s Thanksgiving.” Derek pauses on the form. The guy is tinting pink. “Hey. Breathe.”

The guy sucks in another breath. And then another one. “Okay. Okay, Friday. That’s fine. You have drop-off service, right?”

Derek has to look over his shoulder at his shop front just to make sure it didn’t suddenly get bigger or more impressive. Nope. Still his single little box of a shop with ‘Derek Hale- Mechanic’ stenciled on the window and in need of repainting. The red flip-around Open/Closed sign because the neon one went out and hell if he knows how to fix that thing.

“Does this place look like it has a drop-off service?”

“Yes?” The guy’s voice is a little shrill with desperate hope.

“No. I’m the only one here.”

“Why are you the only one here??” The guy gestures wildly at his Jeep. “Like… what if this was a different kind of broken and you could fix it? Who would be at the front desk for customers??”

“My front desk guy has the day off to go see family out of state,” Derek says, getting a little irritated that he apparently has to discuss his business planning with this idiot. “Should I ask you why you don’t have any friends you can call for a ride?”

The guy sighs out a defeated breath, slumping forward a little. “They’re all out of town to see family,” he admits. “Sorry. Okay, um… how late are you open? Can I bring this back by tonight?”

Derek looks at the leaning Jeep, then at the remains of the tire. “You joking, right? You can’t drive on this thing. You’ll damage the rim.”

The guy actually thinks for a minute about that, as if that’s not a really easy thing to decide is an awful idea. “How expensive would that be to fix?”

“Way more than a tire.” Derek opens the door of the Jeep and begins copying the VIN from the faded sticker inside the door. The Styrofoam coffee cup is in the cupholder, just a sad inch of cold coffee left in the bottom. The ceiling also managed to get hit, taking on a large, wet stain. Everything smells like pumpkin spice creamer. “What’s the big deal? You’re a wreck, you should probably just call in anyway. You smell like coffee and fear sweat.”

“Wow, excuse you!” The guy shoulders him aside, practically climbing over him to kneel on the driver’s seat and reach into the back. He gingerly lifts a cooler between the seats and shimmies back out of the car.

Derek has no idea what to make of the way the guy cradles the thing like it’s his kid or something. “Is… that an organ? Do they let you deliver organs in this thing? Are you even allowed to stop for coffee when you’re delivering those?”

The guy goggles at him. “What? No! It’s my pie.”

Derek waits, but that appears to be the entire explanation. “…Okay?”

“My pie. For the Thanksgiving cook-off at work.”

“You’re going to drive to work on your rim… because there’s a contest?” Derek says slowly.

“Someone has to beat Danny! He’s held the dessert spot for two years and he can’t be allowed to just sweep it this year! Someone has to keep him in check.” The guy opens the top of the cooler and makes a piteous whine. “Man, my whipped cream rosettes got smashed!”

Derek is pretty sure that this guy is crazy. Or has horribly skewed priorities. But he’s also a pretty sad sight and the roads are almost empty so…

“Fine,” he sighs. “I’ll take you to work. But you’re on your own for getting back.”

“Seriously?” The guy’s face lights up in a smile that makes Derek’s stomach do weird things. “Oh my god, you’re awesome! I’m gonna write you the most amazing review on Google!”

“Uh… thanks.” Derek has no idea if he’s on Google. He’ll ask Isaac on Monday.

It takes twenty minutes to get all the information down and get the Jeep moved into the safety of the attached garage and to flip the sign to Closed on the door. Derek thinks that the guy (whose name is unpronounceable, but everyone calls him Stiles) might actually fidget right out of his skin. When he pulls his Camaro around the front of the shop, Stiles practically throws himself inside and pushes the cooler at Derek while he buckles his seat belt.

“So. You’re going to beat Danny.” Derek isn’t good at small talk, and the only thing he knows about Stiles is that he’s a panicky idiot and he really wants to beat someone called Danny.

“Damn right I am. No more watching him preen around the office.” Stiles grins and pats the cooler in his lap. “This baby is gonna be his undoing. I saw his Instagram this morning and he went way too fancy and made this weird pear almond-y tart thing.”

“What did you make?” Derek turns onto the main road and heads toward the business district.

“Pumpkin pie.”

Derek glances over for a second, then looks back at the road. “His sounds fancier.”

“So?” Derek can see Stiles puff himself out slightly in his periphery. “It’s not a fancy dessert contest. It’s about taste.”

Derek makes a doubtful sound. “Is it that hard to make a good pumpkin pie? Everyone makes pumpkin pie.”

“Mine is special!” Stiles snaps. “Are you a Michelin chef, Mr. Thanksgiving Critic?”

“…No. I don’t even do Thanksgiving.” Derek admits, glaring at the road.

“See? So you don’t get to talk.” Stiles glares ahead at the road.

“Shut up. It’s still just a boring pumpkin pie.”

“Uh, except it’s not.” Stiles lifts the lid of the cooler and shoves it under Derek’s nose, which makes him swerve the car slightly in surprise. “Smell that? That’s a gingersnap crust.”

“Stop that!” Derek pushes the cooler away. No wonder Stiles ripped his tire to hell on a damn pothole. “Who the hell uses cookies to make pie crust?”

“I do, and it’s delicious!”

“A pie is sweet enough on its own.” Derek pulls up in front of an office building that looks like all of the others in the carefully-matched business district. “Go to work.”

Stiles growls and shoves open the top to the cooler. “Gingersnaps are spicy! It adds layers!”

Derek cranes back when Stiles brings his hand out, holding a wedge of pie with a tuft of whipped cream that’s smashed down, only a few neatly piped ridges left. “Put that back.”

“No, taste it!” Stiles shoves the pie into Derek’s mouth when he tries to protest. “Tell me that’s not better than some stupid tart that’s probably on Pinterest.”

Derek sputters around a mouthful of pie. “Are you insa-”

Tap-tap-tap

Derek and Stiles both startle at the same time and look out of the passenger window to see a redhead in a crisp brown pencil skirt and white blouse. There’s also a guy with blond hair. And one with bronze skin. They all look equally horrified. But not, Derek notices, terribly surprised.

“Stilinski. Let’s go, we can’t eat until the stupid judging is over,” the blond calls.

Stiles shoves his door open. “He said my pie is gonna beat your tart, Danny,” he says, slamming down the lid of the cooler.

“No, I didn’t!”

“Shut up, Derek!” Stiles flails free of his seatbelt, foisting the cooler into the redhead’s hands. “You just need to taste it without the whipped cream being smashed.”

“I tasted it just fine!”

“No, you didn’t! Just come over tomorrow and taste it the right way!” Stiles snatches the cooler away and stalks up to the building, yanking on the door. The lock clangs at him and he scrambles at his hip for his badge.

Derek is left riled up, deeply confused, and holding half of a slice of pie in his hand. The two men followed Stiles, but the redhead is still standing on the curb, writing on the back of a business card. “…Did he just invite me over for Thanksgiving?”

“Dinner is at 4.” The redhead reaches in and neatly tucks the card into the tuft of whipped cream on the wedge of pie. There’s an address scribbled on the back of it. “And if you marry him, I’m going to tell this story at your wedding.”

#my writing- beware #sterek #mechanic au #all car troubles should end in something nice #or in this case something really annoying #followed by something nice #(plus the pie was nice but Derek would never say so)

147 notes · View notes

phantomphangphucker · 5 years

Text

The Apocalypse Comes To Amity Park In The Form Of...Danny? - Phic Phight

Prompt Creator: @feministhotline Prompt: Phantom uses duplication to get Jack and Maddie off his tail. Summary: In a time of desperation and spilled ice cream, Danny must use duplication to escape, but things go horribly wrong! When a wild Danny appears! Things To Note: Vlad becoming mayor isn’t canon here, PP is never canon and Valerie is on a friendly truce with Phantom.

Warning: excessive swearing, broken bones, violence.

Let Danny say fuck, taking a piss on canon, Danny is a fidget spinner, Danny’s an angry boi, Valarie is an angry gal, teenage superheroes are just the embodiment of anger

“You have got to be kidding me!”

Trash can lid goes flying.

“Of all the lousy timing!”

A duck squawks angrily as it’s almost stepped on.

“Why can’t they just not!”

Car horns blare from people far too used to Amity parks shit.

“For one fucking day!”

A loud whack! Is heard as someone’s head impacts a sign.

“Shit! shit! shit!”

A child cries as his ice-cream cone is knocked to the ground.

“You know what? Fuck it!”

Loud crashing, as a running boy launches himself through a window.

“Yeah yeah this’ll work”.

One pale black haired boy pokes at a mirror as he turns to give a thumbs up to a floating white-haired boy. Their bodies would match in every way if not for the glowing and colour inversion. Quickly spinning around they both take in the mess of broken glass and discarded bottles. Then snapping their heads up at the fast approaching footsteps. The black haired one quietly shouts “you hide or anything”, as the white-haired one zips under a pile of wood. Using his ghostly tail to make himself look like a sleeping cat. While the black haired one pretends to be passed out in the corner, clearly visible to any incoming people.

“Danny! Oh my god! What are you doing here!” A women runs up and shakes the black haired boy, Danny. Danny then pretends to groggily wake up due to the shaking, “m-mom? Wha?”. Danny looks around and pretends to be unaware of his surroundings, it’s extremely effective.

“Danny-boy, are you ok?” A large man in orange asks. “Jack, I think it’s better we get him home” then the lady turns back to Danny “honey you’ve been missing all day, where have you been?”. Running from you, “Uh, can’t say I know”. shaking his head, Jack says “yeah Mads, I think it’s best we just go home. I think Danny boy here whacked his head a little too hard. Whoops.”.

Just as Maddie and Jack are getting Danny, who’s still pretending to be groggy, into the Fenton assault RV. The white-haired version slips out of the building just at the wrong moment. “Mads! Look! Phantom! We still got a chance!”. Jack aggressively grabs the wheel spinning it around, sending the RV after the boy. “You’re not getting away this time you ectoplasmic menace!” Oh come on! Danny Phantom mentally grumbled. Jacks awful driving, however, was a problem. Resulting in the vehicle careening off to the side, back doors flying open and sending Danny Fenton flying out. Who’s knee jerk reaction is just to phase through the wall. “Wait shit!” As Danny Fenton spins his head back to the wall, that a human shouldn’t have been able to go through. Just as he’s about to hop right back through a stray ectonet from his parents, flings around him cutting him off from using his powers. “Oh for Plasmius sake”, Danny Fenton groans from in the net. Danny Phantom, on the other hand, flies around and through a bunch of other walls, redirecting his parents away from Danny Fenton. “CRAP! SHIT! What the fuck am I supposed to do now?” Sighing, Danny Phantom gets one potentially stupid idea and he doesn’t know yet just how stupid it will be.

Dropping to the ground to conserve and build up more energy, Danny Phantom makes haste and sneakily works his way to the wall that Danny Fenton stupidly phased through. “I am giving myself a C- for plan creation and execution today” Danny Fenton shakes his head, still inside the net. At that time Danny Phantom just makes it back to the wall, using his stored up energy he duplicates again; failing to notice the sharp jab in his back. Once again white hair faces black hair, and black gives a thumbs up as he pretends to be knocked out, slouching against the wall. Danny Phantom quickly squeezes himself behind a wall and just fucking waits, hoping his parents don’t have a scanner on them.

Jack and Maddie grumpily ball up their fists at the now likely escaped ectoplasmic scum. But quickly run up to Danny when they see him slumped against a wall. Maddie lifting Danny up as Jack flips the RV back over, like a straight beast. Everyone loaded back in again, they finally do indeed go home. Jack and Maddie both feeling highly guilty about the (fake)knocked out teen in the back seat. They don’t even attempt to check the scanner, instead putting their son first as they should have from the start.

Back at the warehouse, Danny Phantom comes out of hiding and removes the weird dart from his shoulder blade; instantly feeling off. “Ok, bad idea” after a couple seconds, “ok, really bad idea” as suddenly there’s a fourth Danny and something about him is not right. Then there’s a fifth, then sixth and then a seventh.“Oh fuck”, Danny quickly sticks the dart back in. Thankfully, no more Danny’s split from him however the Danny’s start teleporting all over the place like a glitching hellscape. Groaning head titled back, with a hand on the dart making sure it doesn’t accidentally fall out. “What did I ever do to deserve this”, at that second one Danny teleports and smashes straight into him. Knocking the dart out. By the time Danny has scrambled to the dart and jabbed himself again, there’s 11 new Danny’s. “Ok now I feel like I’m going to be sick”, Danny watches the hell show of Danny’s bouncing about, occasionally smacking each other, and slowly flips out his phone calling Sam.

“Hey Sam”

“What’s the problem now Danny”

“You’re not going to believe this but there’s like 17 Danny’s right now and I can’t make it stop, without stabbing myself with this STUPID FUCKING DART! Anyways how’s your day been?”

“Danny, what the fuck? Do you, like, want that suppressor jacket Tuck made? And my day’s been worrying, you dick. You just up and vanished!”

“Yeah that sounds like a good I-ack!” As two Danny’s slam into him, the dart comes out for only a few seconds before he shoves it back in. But that was enough time to make more Danny’s.

“Danny?”

“GREAT! JUST GREAT! THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEEDED! THERE'S THREE FUCKING MORE NOW AND THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME DAMN FACIAL EXPRESSION!”

“Okay Plasmius cool down, Tucks on his way to your phone's location. You Pan or Fan?”

“Drying Pan all the way. Can’t be a Screaming Fan with this STUPID FUCKING DART IN ME! And I’ve been running all freaking day, Power bars down the drain.”

“Wow, well do I need to set up anything for when you get here?”

“Ectoproof-fishing line maybe, to control these wild Danny’s”

“Uh can’t you just, exert self-control”

“FUCKING NOPE, APPARENTLY NOT! THEY'RE JUST FUCKING. TELEPORTING EVERYWHERE”

“That’s actually way more concerning, what the hell.”

“Shit looks like Tucks here, so uh talk later?”

“Yeah sure Danny, I don’t know how your life always goes like this”

Hanging up the phone, Danny carefully works his way around all the bouncing, teleporting and floating Danny Phantom duplicates. The Danny Fenton who has finally gotten himself out of the net, phases his head through the wall and just mutters “this is so fucked”, walking fully through the wall; Fenton follows the “normal” Phantom. Tucker, then makes his way around a wall staring at his PDA. The two “normal” Danny’s just stare at him as one of the wild Danny’s crashes into him. “What the fuck Danny!” Then Tucker looks around and to the two Danny’s that are just standing. “Uh Danny?”. The two Danny’s nod “yeah, we’re fucking normal, well as normal is I or we can ever be. Welcome to hell.” They finish as another wild Danny slams into Danny Fenton. “Normal” Danny Phantom walks over to Tucker “dude I can’t take this stupid dart ou-” Danny Phantom gets cut off as both he and Tucker are slammed by a wild Danny. “This is like teleportation Danny ping-pong! What the hell Danny!”. Danny Phantom snapping his head over to Tucker “Oh I dOn’T kNoW mAyBe I wAnTeD tHiS fReSh HeLl TuCkEr!!!!”...yanking Tucker over to him. “JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING VEST TUCK!!!”. Just as another wild Danny crash into them sending the dart flying “OH FUCK ME SIDEWAYS AND UP A FUCKING POLE!”. As more Danny’s start popping up Tucker aggressively shoves the vest at him. Then Tucker takes off after the dart, as Danny gets the vest on and activates it. “OH THANK FUCK! IT ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKED!” Danny flops on the ground as Danny Fenton walks over and helps Tucker avoid the wild Danny’s. Tucker shoves the dart into his pocket and immediately drags both “normal” Danny’s outside. In the process one very exhausted Danny Phantom returns to Fenton form. Tucker, then looking between the two Fenton’s and then through the doorway at the 40 odd wild Danny Phantoms. Turning back to the Fenton’s “how is this even possible? Last I checked you could only do four and that was pushing it and what the fuck is wrong with their faces?” Danny on the left just jabs a finger at him and says “you’re dragging our asses to Sams, crazy wild Danny’s included”. The other Danny cuts in “and all those are that darts fault and that dart is courtesy of my parents and I’ve been missing today also due to my parents and I CURRENTLY WANT TO DIE!”. Tucker just looks back into the room “so what are we going to do? play fucking Pokemon with your hellspawn and again what’s with the faces?” Glaring at Tucker right side Danny says “I fucking guess so and I don’t fucking know, IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANY FUCKING CONTROL OVER THEM!”. “Fucking Christ” Tucker breathes. “Dude all I’ve got is 3 thermoses and obviously you don’t have one at all otherwise you would have caught some already”. Tucker looks at the Danny’s as they just stare and slowly facepalm each other. “Danny you have got to be kidding me” Tucker groans when left side Danny shrugs saying “we were just going tackle them and drag them to Sam’s. Stringing them to ectoline like fucking balloons.” Left Danny then pulls out a, clearly empty, thermos. “You’re a fucking tit, you know that?” Right side Danny glares and then points at other Danny “that FUCKER has been running all FUCKING day, I’ve been stuck inside a FUCKING net and the third one is off pretending to be knocked the FUCK out on the Fenton couch. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM US!”. Tucker’s jaw drops “there’s another one? Seriously? And man you’ve had one hell of a day.” Both them glare at him and shout “TELL ME ABOUT IT!”.

“Alright, Danny’s let's take some of that, clearly pent-up, anger out on yourselves.” Pausing to think “do you think that counts as self-punishment?”. One of the Danny’s hits him on the head with their thermos as the other says “I can’t feel whatever happens to them others wise I’D BE SCREAMING IN FUCKING AGONY BY NOW”. Tucker is confused until he clues in that the wild Danny’s are straight up crashing into everything, spinning and teleporting rapidly. “Ok, point and I also think you would be vomiting, sweet Plasmius. Uh I think we should do this shit, like, now, dude”. Shrugging the two Danny’s run in, fucking screaming, thermos’s in hand and shooting the beam everywhere. Shaking his head Tucker runs in and joins the fun. Eventually, Tucker has to switch to his second thermos because, sweet fuck there are so many Danny’s. Eventually, they stand, with shaking thermoses and one remaining wild Danny. One of the Danny’s eyes his thermos with a mix of caution and anger “this shit is going to FUCKING EXPLODE”. “Yeah no shit Danny, so I guess let’s tackle? The last one and just like drag it away?”. The other Danny shrugs “yeah, fuck it and then we’ll throw it at Sam. Maybe the balloon idea is still useful.”. Tucker chuckles “that is going to be fucking hilarious”. On that note the three fucking leap on the last wild Danny as it spins in front of them. However, the wild Danny keeps teleporting; dragging the Danny’s and Tucker with it. “HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT NOT HAPPY TIME NOT HAPPY TIME” Tucker cries as one or both? Danny’s scream “OH YOU GOD DAMN FUCK, FUCK ALL OF THIS I WILL FUCK YOU WITH A POLE AND ROLL YOU IN FUCKING CAT LITTER!”. The Danny’s just end up wailing on the wild Danny, teeth bared and basically full on feral. Scaring the living hell out of Tucker, as Tucker just decides fuck it and suck the wild Danny into his over-filled thermos as well. The three get dropped to the ground, both Danny’s completely started and genuinely mad at their opponent's sudden cop-out. “WHAT THE FUCK!” Both snapping their heads towards Tucker, “TUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!”. Tucker just throws his hand up at the two feral ass Danny’s “dude it needed to be done, chill out.”. Lowering his hands “though honestly, I shouldn’t be surprised you’d be so eager to beat yourself up”. The two Danny’s get up and silently stalk over to him, grabbing both his arms as he internally freaks out. They drag him outside the building, Tucker finally rights himself and gets them to let go. Tucker digs into his pockets and throws down a tiny disc creating a tiny self-contained ghost trap and he puts the thermos’s inside. Both Danny’s follow suit, though they do it angrily.

“Dudes, my cars just down there. Like always I’ll ask you, try not to destroy it.” Both Danny’s flip him off but then all three of them burst out laughing. “This is easily the weirdest fucking thing to ever happen to me and whoops” Tucker instantly stops “whoops what Danny?”...”DANNY WHOOPS WHAT?”. One of the Danny’s says “third me joined us in laughing and now mom and dad thinks he has a concussion”. Tucker laughs some more “Wow this day really really hates you”.

Meanwhile, in the Fenton household. “Jazz I’m fine, I swear!” Jazz glares at him “Danny you keep barely containing laughter, jerking randomly and your basically furious for no reason. You are not fine.”. Danny falls back groaning against the sofa as his parents hover around him and Jazz, kicking his legs and silently screaming into the pillow. Rolling back over he growls and stares defiantly at the ceiling. I really wish she knew our code terms right about now. At least other mes are off to Sam’s now. This is all just fucking peachy, fucking great. Jazz snaps her fingers in Danny’s face “there you go being all pissed off again.”. Maddie chimes in “Jasmine, sweetie are you sure he doesn’t need to go to the hospital?”. Both Jazz and Danny quickly say “no, that’s not needed.”. Danny, trying to salvage the situation, “how bout I just take a nap, right here and we can all see how, TOTALLY FINE I AM. Once I’m awake and y’all have CHILLED OUT.” Danny forcibly curls up on the couch pulling blankets over his shoulders. “Fine. But I’m staying here and watching you for anything. And I mean anything” Jazz says with understood meaning. Danny, of course, doesn’t actually fall asleep but he makes a damn good show of it. Jazz eventually shoos Jack and Maddie to bed and as soon as they’re gone Danny snaps his eyes open. Jazz, startled “ Danny what the hell?”. Rolling his eyes “I was waiting for them to go because they don’t know”, Jazz is confused for a heartbeat but then nods. “Ah so ghost thing then?” Chuckling Danny says “I’m a duplicate Jazz, mom and dad spent all day running after me so much so that I had to duplicate to trick them away. But then I had to do it again because they found Phantom me, again and then I entered a brand new fresh hell.”. Jazz stares and then shakes herself “so where’s the real you or aren’t your duplicates real yous as well? And what do you mean by hell?” Jazz quickly looks up checking that Jack and Maddie really are in bed. “The other two are with Tuck and about 40 or 50 other Danny’s” at that Jazz goes completely bugged eyed “what? How?” Danny huffs “like I told Tuck like, 2 hours ago. Parents got me with a weird dart and my duplication powers went fucking nutty. Got Tuck to bring a power suppression vest we designed, shit fucking works it seems, and now we’re heading to Sam’s to try and fix it.” Jazz shakes her head “so what there’s, what 50 or so invisible yous all flying into one house?”. Danny bursts out laughing at this “fuck no, all the duplicates that resulted from the dart thing are completely fucked up. Bouncing all over the god damn place, teleporting and shit. To kick that shit off I have no fucking control over them at all so they’re all stuffed in thermos’s”. Jazz rubs her temples, “well I can’t let you, or at least this you, go over to Sam’s. That would be too suspicious.” Sighing “so you’ll just have to stay put and try to act normal.”. Danny stares at her “fucking normal? Really and how fucking well has that worked so far. I’m exhausted, been assaulted multiple times by myself, assaulted myself, and did I mention that the stupid vest is very fucking uncomfortable?” Jazz raises her eyebrows so Danny continues on with his rant. “It’s like being fucking pressure cooked inside a pot filled with nails. But if I take it off BAM! More fucking wild Danny’s. Plus so long as it’s on I can’t absorb any duplicates. It’s fucking exhausting controlling three fucking bodies. Being stuck in a net for hours also wasn’t any fucking fun, they’re not made for comfort you know. Oh and both my legs are fucking busted from going out a fucking window and shit-“ Danny bats away Jazz’s hand as she, alarmed, tries to check his legs. “Not these fucking legs, my originals. I don’t even think Tuck’s fucking noticed since I’ve been fucking floating every damn where. But I had to run on them for a bit to conserve energy earlier so they’re probably pretty damn fucked.”. Jazz sits massaging her head, “is there literally anything I can do Danny? And please have your original stay off your or their legs.”. Chuckling “Jazz all you can really do is help convince mom and dad I’m fine so I can go over to Sam’s as soon as possible. The trips going to take about another 10 minutes. So it’d be fucking fantastic if I could focus on the shit going down there, rather than trying to put my effort towards managing mom and dad here.”. Jazz sighs, “I’ll do what I can little brother, for now you can just pretend to be sleeping at least. Think you can tell me what the dart looks like though, so I can check the lab for it?”. Danny facepalms, “yeah, fuck, that’s probably a good idea. I don’t know what colour the liquid or whatever inside was but it’s about the size of my thumb, has a flaming Fenton F on it, and the needle part is really fucking long.”. Jazz pats Danny on the shoulder as she gets up “alright you get some sleep and try to sort this out.”. With that Jazz heads down to the lab with one more look in on her parents, who have both fallen asleep.

Tucker pulls up to Sam’s place and the Danny’s phase them and their cargo straight into her room. “Wow that took you, three? A while. What the hell happened?” Sam asks with a curious smirk. Tucker’s the first to open his mouth “well the Danny’s basically assaulted us, we had to play Pokemon with them and Dannys’ parents think his other duplicate has a concussion.” One of the Danny’s throws his hands up “Yeah because I’m acting fucking nutty because of dealing with these FUCKING THINGS!” he gestured wildly to the thermoses. “Don’t need the ectoline anymore by the way. Oh, also both legs are fucking smashed”. Tucker whips around “dude what! When?”. And Sam aggressively says “sit” while pointing to her bed after putting plastic on it. “When I fucking launched myself out a DAMN window after being smacked in the face by a SIGN and destroying a child’s ice-cream cone.” Sam rolls her eyes “you damn monster”. “I couldn’t fucking float cause my power bar was down the drain. Still kinda is but not so damn bad.”. Tucker shakes his head “dude, again, today hates you.”. The second Danny floats over to Tucker as the first Danny lifts up his pant legs. “You have any more vests? Cause while this shit is horribly fucking uncomfortable it’s better than descending waves of wild Danny’s upon Amity Park.” Tucker shakes his head “no, but I’ll get right on that cause yeah I don’t want to see another one of them.” Sam rolls her eyes “could they really be that bad, basically they’re just Danny but not under his control right?” Both Tucker and the two Danny’s all say “sweet Plasmius fucking no”. Just as Sam exclaims “Plasmius Danny! Did you like walk around on them like this or something?!”. The Danny’s smirk. “You fucking did you moron!” Sam slaps him on the head as she gets to work fixing his shredded legs. After about an hour the second Danny pipes up, “hey, Jazz found some more of what is likely the STUPID FUCKING DARTS that did this. And of course there’s no already made cure for it because WHY WOULD THERE FUCKING BE!”. Tucker waves off the Danny “we’ll just have to make our own. Think other you or Jazz could get it here?” Danny shakes his head “no they’ve basically under lockdown till that Danny’s deemed healthy. But I don’t see why this Danny can’t go.” Danny starts to float but prompt slams back down with an angry growl, both Danny’s suddenly look much worse for the wear. “Uh dude, I think that’s not happening. I’ll just go myself.” The Danny slumped on the windowsill flat out growls “this is FUCKING STUPID!”. Sighing Sam asks the Danny she’s working on “should we be concerned?”. That Danny shakes his head tiredly “no it’s just because of all the duplication and actively maintaining 3 bodies. The fucked up Danny’s don’t seem to be a drain but the two true fuckers are”. The other Danny turns his head over “hey, I take offence to that!”. Which causes for Sam to look quite concerned. “Fuckin chill Sam, I’m stuck with this bullshit for now so I’m going to fucking dick around with it. Plasmius I could use a fucking nap”. Danny flops back in the bed, earning a glare from Sam. “I’m trying to fix your legs you know and I hate to say it but this is a lost cause. You are actually going to have to go get this fixed, Danny.” Windowsill Danny is the one to respond “ha! BeCaUsE tHaT wIlL gO oVeR sO fUcKiNg WeLl! Hey, Mr. And Mrs. Fenton your son came in with his legs straight fucked.” Moving his hands wildly “What do you mean he’s sitting on our fucking couch with a probable concussion”. Sam sighs “yeah well, Danny only so much can be done without actual major surgical equipment. And they won’t let even me buy that stuff, they’re afraid of start-up serial killers or something.”. This time bed Danny replied, “well then I’ll just wait my legs out and see if they fix themselves”. Sam stands up so she knows he can see her glaring “Danny that’s completely moronic, the sooner you go the better. This isn’t going to magic itself away.”. All she gets out of bed Danny before he passes out is “says you”.

—During that time at Fenton works—

Jazz watches as Danny just sorta groans and then suddenly looks like he just ran a marathon. “Danny, you alright there?” Concern filling her voice. “Yeah just tired and drained, by now I’d normally have automatically reabsorbed my duplicates but I can’t with the vest on. So I’m still expending energy maintaining them, oh and Tucks on his way over for the darts.” Jazz nods understanding, “I’ll give it to him when he gets here but you need to actually sleep or let the original you sleep.” Danny just tiredly waves her off and he wiggles in his blankets. By the time Tucker gets there Danny is out cold. “Tucker quick question, just how bad are actual Danny’s legs?” Jazz asks as she gives Tucker the darts she found. Tucker, pulling out the one from his pocket confirms they’re the same before answering “pretty bad, the idiot walked with them all busted up”. Jazz sighs “I know, he mentioned that while ranting. I’m not impressed.”. Tucker, chuckling “I don’t think anyone is but-”

Tucker is cut off by a massive explosion. Tucker sighs but Jazz is the one to speak “I don’t want any of hims going off fighting. I don’t care what it is, Danny gets the night off.”. Tucker chuckles “tell that to Danny not me...” Tucker trials off as he stares at the road “oh no”. “Whatever it is Danny’s not dealing with it”. Tucker just side-eyes her, “Uh actually it’s Danny or a Danny that needs to be dealt with”. Jazz juts her head out the door as she says “what?”. Quickly she spots Danny floating in the street with a strange facial expression when it suddenly is above someone house and then slams into a mailbox. “Dear god, that’s one of the wild Danny’s isn’t it. God that’s weird.” Tucker nods “yeah now imagine 40 of them all doing that in a small room”. Tucker turns and waves bye at her as he runs off back to Sam’s. Leaving Jazz to shake her head at Danny’s sleeping form though she pauses when she notices that he almost looks like he’s glitching occasionally. “Well there’s no way that’s good”.

When Tucker gets back he sees that Sam’s side window and wall have all been blown out, one Danny is passed out in the grass and Sam appears to be carrying the other. Shouting at Tucker “we need to get both them somewhere safe to recharge and holy hell you guys were not kidding about these things being hellspawn.”. Just as she finishes a wild Danny knocks her feet out as it slams into them, causing her to fling broken legs Danny on to the ground. Grunting awake, that Danny goes to get up but Tucker rushes over, “dude, no you are way too drained. Go back to sleep.” Tucker, picking him up yells to Sam “grab the other, well take them to Danny’s house. Mines too far away and we have to deal with this bullshit before they destroy the town!”. “Roger that! He can heal faster in his room anyways!” Sam yells back as she hoists up the lawn Danny. Booking it down the street to Danny’s house.

Jazz is watching the board-cast of the dubbed “dannypocalypse” that just started on ghost watch, as Sam and Tucker burst in carrying two unconscious Danny’s. “How the hell aren’t your parents up?” Sam asks as she and Tucker take the Danny’s to his/their room. Once they run back down as quietly as they can Jazz answers “dad can sleep through anything and mom has special earplugs to sleep through dad.”. The two nod as the rush to the lab, coming back up with many thermoses in tow. Quickly running right out the door, shouting back “take couch Danny to his room!”. Jazz quickly does so, though she’s not sure why, before she shakes her head as she turns back to the screen covered in Danny’s going everywhere like ping-pong balls of doom while also teleporting randomly. One flies face first at the camera with its never-changing facial expression, almost making her scream. Shaking herself off “at least they’re all Phantoms, otherwise Danny would be completely outed.”. Jazz opts to go back to the lab, to see what else she can find. It doesn’t take her too long to find the plans for the darts. “Well, this would have been useful to find earlier. Tucker could use these I’m sure.”. Sitting down Jazz elects to read over the plans herself. Eventually wheezing out “oh Danny is going to love this.”.

Sam and Tucker spend most of the night rounding up the Danny’s but early on they had been joined by The Red Huntress. “What the hell are you two doing?!”. Tucker looking up “what does it look like? Making fine wine?”. Gliding down near them she fires a blast at a wild Danny, making it spin but leaving it completely unharmed “what the hell is up with these things!? They're like indestructible!?”. Tucker chuckles as he catches another wild Danny in his thermos. “For once you really truly can blame the Fenton’s!”. Sam shoots Tucker a warning glare but he just rolls his eyes at her. “What the hell do you mean?!” The Red Huntress asks as she full on drops to the ground walking up to Tucker. Tucker whips out his PDA, scrolls a bit and shows her the image some kid had captured of the offending dart hitting Danny in the back with the Fenton’s holding the weapon. Shaking her head “Jesus Christ what the hell was in that! And you’d think after everything they would have stopped going after him!”. Shrugging Sam says “that’s stubborn grown-ups for you”. Eventually catching up a sizeable amount of Danny’s, The Red Huntress walks up to the two of them; deciding now is a good time to have a relaxed conversation in the middle of the street as the remaining wild Danny’s wreak havoc. “you two have any clue where the actual Phantom is or how to fix this?”. Tucker smirks “well hopefully, his resting because there’s no way this” gesturing at the occasional wild Danny, “isn’t exhausting”. She nods curtly “yeah from what I’ve seen duplication is really tiring but there’s something seriously wrong with these duplicates”. Sam mutters under her breath “yeah no shit”. “Well whatever, I’m going to the Fenton’s to see if I can find that dart thing and tear a new one into those idiots.” The Red Huntress turns to leave but Tucker snatches out to grab her arm. “No!” Composing himself as she eyes him annoyed. Tucker fishes in his pants, producing the empty dart “already done and the Fenton’s are sleeping. Personally, I don’t want them waking up to this and trying to “deal with it” themselves.”. The Red Huntress takes the dart and eyes it “I figured as much, you were probably already hanging out at Danny when this happened. Where is Danny anyways?”. Sam and Tucker both shrug unable to come up with a good excuse. “Figures, that kid runs off at the worst of times. But I AM going to Fenton Works and I AM berating those two. They deserve to experience this bullshit, reap what the sow and all that.” The Red Huntress zips away before either can stop her. “Well fuck” is all Tucker has to say as the once hunter of Danny Phantom flies to Danny’s House, which has two too many Danny’s in it. At that moment another car alarm goes of as the stiff arm of a wild Danny impales it.

The Red Huntress speeds over to Fenton works and knocks angrily on the door. Jazz, all too familiar with angry knocks, glares at the door as she walks over “Well look another pissed off basket case, hooray for me.”. Opening the door she’s shocked to find The Red Huntress. Composing herself quickly “let me guess, you want Fenton stuff to help deal with the dannypocalypse?” As The Red Huntress steps in aggressively. “Tucker apparently is already working on the dart thing so no, I’m here to shout angrily at YOUR DAMN PARENTS”. The Red Huntress, quickly stalks up the stairs before Jazz can stop her but just before she gets past Danny’s room one of the Danny’s pitches out the door crashing to the floor in front of her. Both The Red Huntress and Jazz yelp “Danny! Are you ok?”. The Red Huntress momentarily forgets about the Fenton’s in lue of helping Danny. However, one of the other Danny’s was already dragging that Danny by his feet back into the room. Looking up, the second Danny locks eyes with The Red Huntress‘s helmet. Who quickly jerks her head up and down from Danny to Danny as Jazz just stares in shock. “Danny? Danny what the HELL!” The Red Huntress borderline yells but is quickly hushed by Jazz as the floor Danny replies “Uh, hi?” As the third Danny, with still broken legs groans “THIS DAY COULDN'T GET ANY MORE FUCKING PERFECT!”. Causing The Red Huntress to shove her head in the door as Jazz pinches her nose. The Red Huntress, no longer giving a shit, as she takes in the sight of a third Danny, rips off her helmet off. “WHAT THE FUCK!”. Jazz throws her hands up completely giving up on the hope of some peace and quiet. She then follows Valarie, as she storms in. Jazz stops to help second Danny heave the floor Danny off the floor and onto a beanie-bag. Sighing “why can’t you ever just let yourself sleep, Danny”. Valarie paces back and forth. “Why are there three of you? HOW are the three of you? What is going on? WHO ARE YOU?!”. Danny mutters “a lot of fucking bullshit that’s what” before genuinely responding. “Now is like the worst fucking time Valarie, BUT GOOD GOD DAMN FUCK IT!”. The broken Danny flails his arms straight up smacking another Danny in the face. Beanie-bag Danny and just-fucking-smacked-in-the-face Danny turn and glare at broken Danny. “I will hit me IF I DAMN WELL WANT TO!” Broken Danny shouts as the just-fucking-smacked-in-the-face Danny starts weakly smacking him, which then descends into a slap fight. Valarie rips them apart shouting “I’ll repeat WHAT THE FUCK DANNY!”. The beanie-bag Danny stands up and points at her as she turns her head to him, still holding the two other Danny’s wrists in the air. “EVERY SINGLE KIND OF FUCK! EVERY SINGLE ONE! FENTON PHANTOM FENTON PHANTOM! SAME FUCKING THING! NOW PUT ME DOWN!”. Jazz then realized that broken Danny’s actually being lifted off the bed as Valarie quickly drops both Danny’s. Broken Danny rubs a hand down his left leg “fucking Christ FUCK ME SO MUCH!” Jazz runs over, yanking his pant leg up to check for bleeding. Groaning, she runs downstairs to get fresh bandaging. Valarie wide-eyed and worried “what happened to your leg?” And not even half a second later “WAIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN “SAME FUCKING THING!” WHAT THE FUCK!”. The Danny that was previously on a beanie-bag grabs her shoulders, spinning her around, and just straight up transforms into Phantom in front of her. “HOW THE FUCK!” Valarie jumps a couple of inches off the floor and nearly falls over but standing Danny Fenton catches her. Just as Sam, Tucker and Jazz all run into the room.

“Wow, didn’t know you two? Had gotten back together” Sam smirks with a hand on her hip as she waves around her thermos. Danny Phantom, being closest to the door, looks them up and down; noting their dishevelled appearances. “Ok, what the fuck did I miss?”. Valarie, struggling back to her feet, “we haven’t and how? Seriously how? Did you miss THE FUCKING SWARM OF PHANTOMS OUTSIDE!” All three Danny’s snap their heads to Sam and Tucker as Jazz slips over to broken Danny, getting to work on his leg. Sam noticing “did you fuck your legs up again you moron?”. While Tucker explains “the wild Danny’s all fucking escaped dude”. All three Danny’s shout “WHAT!”. Everyone flinching to cover their ears, Tucker turns to Jazz “how in the hell are your parents still asleep?”. At this Jazz just shrugs. Meanwhile, Sam groans out “yeah and they blew up my damn room, I don’t even have walls anymore!”. Valarie starts waving her hands around “whoa whoa, wait what? You mean to tell me you already captured them all once! And again What. The. Hell. Danny!”. Jazz sighs “ apparently they did and the rundown is basically-” taking a deep breath “Danny is half ghost and Phantom is his ghost form. The basement ghost portal messed him up when it turned on-“ broken Danny cutting in “with me inside it, might I fucking remind you”. Jazz continuing, “-basically half killing him. But our parents don’t know so could you. Stop. Shouting.”. Valarie looks from Danny to Danny, taking in all three. Slightly hurt, “why didn’t you FUCKING TELL ME YOU MORON! I’ve been fucking hunting you and all this fucking time you-! I could have KILLED YOU!” Suddenly one last wild Danny wizzes past the window as Tucker groans running down the steps. Valarie, sitting down finally, “and what the hell danny, how did this and that happen?!” She gestures towards the three Danny’s and then jab’s her thumb at the window. Phantom explaining, for what feels like the 50th time, “parents chase me. Duplicate to escape, twice. Get darted. Wild Danny’s everywhere. And before you ask, I DO NOT HAVE ANY FUCKING CONTROL OVER THEM!”. “And the legs?” Valerie asks. As Sam and Jazz say in unison “he jumped through a window”. Valarie looks at the broken Danny “and why didn’t you just float or whatever you moron.”. Broken Danny crosses his arms “I was too fucking exhausted ok. I’d been running all fucking day. And as soon as my parents found Fenton me they had the FUCKING AUDACITY TO ASK ME WHERE I HAD BEEN ALL FUCKING DAY!”. Tucker coming back in shakes his head “dude, at this point you should just tell them.”. All the Danny’s roll their eyes and broken Danny asks “so have you figured out how to fix this yet so I can take this STUPID FUCKING THING OFF!” Danny points at his vest. Tucker just lets his hands fall limp to his sides “dude, I haven’t even had a chance to look at the darts. I’ve been chasing yous all over town.”. Jazz perks up as she remembers the dart plans, pulling them out of her back pocket she shoves them at broken Danny. “I found this in the lab after Tucker left. Thankfully, it’s not harmful but well...” she trails off as Danny glares angrily at the paper, then Tucker grabs it away . Slowly the paper is passed around as everyone, even Valarie begins to snicker. Not-broken Danny Fenton mutters “I’m going to fucking kill you all.”. Jazz smirks, “Danny, it’s pretty funny. If you had used literally any other power before getting darted you wouldn’t be in this mess.”. Broken Danny crosses his arms and grumbles “I was conserving energy”. “And there lies the irony” Tucker says sticking a finger in the air “in trying to conserve energy you stuck yourself in a way where you expend even more energy”. Earning a glare from Danny, “I will strangle you in your sleep.”. Jazz smacks his head, “not on these legs you won’t”. Danny smacks his own forehead “I really am a dumbass”. Tucker smirks as he says “that’s what we’ve all been telling you, dude” as broken Danny sits up and simultaneous changes to Phantom and into his ghostly tail. Everyone jerks at the loud snapping sounds that makes. “DANNY WHAT THE FUCK!”, “YOU REALISE YOU’RE A DUMBASS ONLY TO BE A DUMBASS!”, “HOW DOES THIS HELP ANYTHING!”. Broken Danny rolls his eyes as he changes his tail back to legs. Having functionally, reset every piece of bone into its rightful spot. Sam just gapes “how the?”. As she runs over inspecting his still mangled legs but no longer with bones or bone chips out of place. “I’m not sure whether to call you a dumbass for not doing that sooner or call you a genius for knowing that would work.”. Tucker eyes Danny, “you did know that would work right?”. All three Dannys’ just shrug as everyone else sighs. Tucker turning back to the plans and the darts in hand “I’m going to be in the lab actually getting somewhere on this.” He jumps down the steps two at a time.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, “So how the hell have you guys been telling the Dannys’ apart?”. Both Sam and slightly-less-broken-but-still-broken Danny answer “we haven’t been”. Danny, shrugging “they’re all me so it doesn’t really matter which one you talk to”. Valarie shakes her head “yeah well, that’s too damn weird for me today. I’m all maxed out on weird.”. Sam sighs “ok then...how the hell are we going to tell you three apart.” As she turns to face the Danny that’s closest to her, which happens to be broken Danny. “Well doesn’t Original Danny have to wear the suppressor vest, so he’s easy” Jazz supplies. “Well that still leaves two” Valarie grumbles, still rather freaked out at the sight of three Dannys’.

“You know what? We’ll just fucking wear wrist bands” as broken Danny grabs a white cuff, Fenton Danny puts on a black cuff, and Phantom Danny lifts up a green cuff. Jazz, taking the three in, “yeah, that’ll work. Subtle but noticeable, comfy yet stylish.”. Tucker interjects through Danny’s phone “and in your colours, all you’d need is red and you’d have your entire make up.” White Danny rolls his eyes, “Tuck, I also have blue eyes.”. Everyone can hear Tucker slap his own face as Valarie mutters “are we just going to ignore that Tucker’s on the phone without there being a call”. White Danny rolls his eyes “he fucking hacked it, what’s new... though he SHOULD BE FOCUSED ON OTHER THINGS!” White Danny finishes, shouting. “It’s not like I’m holding the damn phone and you know how I hate being out of the loop.”, to Tucker’s credit they can hear him tinkering away. “If anyone gets to be pissy about being out of the loop it’s me, YOU FUCKS!” Valerie cuts in as black Danny rubs his neck. As white Danny yells,“Well, you spent all your time TRYING TO FUCKING MURDER ME!” She glares at him and huffs “I WOULD HAVE STOPPED IF YOU FUCKING TOLD ME!”. Black Danny throws his hands up, “I AINT NO FUCKING MINDREADER! MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING ASKED!” Valerie gaps at him, “HOW THE FUCK WAS I EVEN SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS SHIT WAS POSSIBLE! NO ONE ASKS ABOUT THE IMPOSSIBLE DANNY!” Sam smirks, “and that right there is why no one has figured you out yet Danny.”. Green Danny glares at Sam, “WELL THAT’S FUCKING STUPID AND THIS TOWN IS FUCKING STUPID!”. Everyone else just shrugs, unable to disagree. Then a realization dawns on Valerie, “you, you fucking dated me even though you knew I was trying to kill you?” Sam nods as does every Danny. “ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE!”. Sam smirks, “that’s what I said. But Mr. Deathwish over here didn’t care”. “LET ME BURY MY SELF PRESERVATION IN PEACE!”. As both Sam and Valerie groan, white Danny rubs at his chest annoyed that it seems tighter. When suddenly he hears cracking sounds and all the Danny’s look at the vest.

“OH, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!” White Danny cries as he watches the pieces of his suppression vest explode outwards, as if in slow-motion. Instantaneously, over three hundred wild Danny’s’ explode out of him like an absurdist supernova. The grand overwhelming mass of Dannys’ blasts out Danny’s walls, floor and ceiling, destroying half the house and leaving Danny and co. Sprawled all over the blast site. Somehow, through sheer cosmic luck, his parents' bedroom and lab are fully intact; parents still sound asleep. White Danny stands slouching in the centre of everything, wild-eyed and growling. Eventually, as Sam and the two other Danny’s stagger up, white Danny shouts “FUCK ME AND MY VERY EXISTENCE! I AM AN AFRONT TO GOD AND I FUCKING LIKE IT THAT WAY!” before he collapses, unconscious. Valerie rolls over, covered in dirt and a knife? As hundreds of wild Danny’s spin, smack, and crash everywhere. Jazz wanders over to the tv as it springs back to life telling of the dannypocalypse’s sudden return after mysteriously vanishing. Tucker groans “Not again...”. Valarie violently shakes black Danny “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR YOU MORON!-“ only to get cut off by a wild Danny. Suddenly Tucker bolts up fucking sprinting at the lab, being the only one to notice in the mayhem that even more wild Danny’s are being formed at this very second. He doesn’t even bother taking the stairs, just straight flings himself down. Moving wildly to piece together a fix for this bullshit. Chanting, “fuck me, fuck this, fuck everything”. His manic inventing is highlighted by a backdrop of screaming, destruction, thermos noises, and an endless waterfall of swears.

Up above Sam screams “TUCK WHERE’S THE OTHER DAMN VEST!? TUCK!” Looking around unable to find him “FOR FUCKS SAKE! YOU BETTER BE EITHER DEAD OR OFF DOING SOMETHING USEFUL OR SO HELP ME!”. The two Danny’s aggressively slap the hell out of white Danny’s face, “WAKE UP LUETENET!”. Valarie glares at them as she pole vaults over a wild Danny only to get smacked by two others, “THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR VIDEO GAME REFERENCES! HOLY SHIT! IS EVERYTHING A JOKE TO YOU!”. White Danny is slapped into consciousness just in time to hear that last bit. “YOU BET IT FUCKING IS! I DO WHAT I WANT BECAUSE I! AM! GOD!”. A sledgeHammer slams into the white Danny’s feet, “MUST GOD MOCK ME!”. Looking around the trio of Danny’s realizes the wild Danny’s, in their wild workings, are kicking up and flinging around all the contents he’s stored in that part of the house for years. “I THOUGH YOU WERE GOD”, Valarie shouts back as green Danny dive bombs her from behind. “YEAH AND I’M MOCKING MYSELF!”, Green Danny shouts at her as he rolls away from an incoming wild Danny that has two knives sticking out its chest. “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR! YOU MADE ME MISS!” Green Danny just glares and points to the needles stabbed into the ground where she once was. “WHAT THE FUCK! WHY ARE THEY THROWING STUFF!”. Sam slams up against the last bit of inside kitchen wall, the five others running to join her; thermos’s all full. Sam wags her finger at white Danny, “NOT YOU! YOU'LL JUST FILL THE INSIDE OF THE HOUSE WITH THESE HELLSPAWN”. White Danny stops, growls and throws his arms out to the side “FUCK YOU TOO THEN!”. Just as a new wild Danny spawns out of him and collides head-on with another wild Danny, inches away from white Danny. The impact sends him flying into the road. Sam and the others can’t see him but they do hear all three Danny’s, two of which are inside with Sam, Jazz and Valarie, shout “HAVEN'T MY LEGS SUFFERED ENOUGH FOR MY SINS!”. Sam shakes her head and mutters “Jesus fucking Christ. I don’t have any more damn bandages.”. Valarie grabs the black Danny “again, WHY THE FUCK are they throwing stuff!”. Danny shoves her off him with his teeth bared, “their FUCKING NOT.”. Jazz interrupts, “I think what Danny’s trying to say is, their stirring up everything in their path and by sheer velocity sending every piece of debris and random items all over the place.”. Valarie looking outside, “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU OWN SO MANY WEAPONS AND SHARP THINGS!”. Sam just sighs, “blame Danny, he hides things intangibly inside his walls. He probably has enough to supply an army in his room walls alone”. “OF COURSE I FUCKING DO! HAVE YOU SEEN MY FUCKING LIFE!”. Hearing a sudden explosion down the street, “Danny, even I think it’s completely insane to keep FUCKING GRENADES inside the walls”. Jazz jumps in just as a wild Danny head smashes its head straight through the only unbroken window, expression never changing. “HOLY FUCK!...and Danny, why the hell would you make you own room a death trap!”. “BECAUSE DEATH GIVES ME LIFE AND EVERY TIME I NEED SOMETHING IT’S FUCKING MOVED! IF ONLY I CAN TOUCH IT THEN NO ONE CAN FUCK WITH MY SHIT!” both Danny’s spin around and crouch, ready to pounce, as Tucker races up the steps, his glasses missing a lense. Bending over and huffing wildly he sticks his hand out, a funky blue dart in it. Green Danny, straightening up, mutters, “you just had to make it blue to spite me didn’t you.” Everyone can see Tucker’s grin as he tilts his head up, other hand still on his knees “now your fucking complete, dude. And I am redeemed.” Sam just shakes her head as she grabs the dart and shoves into green Danny’s palm. “You’re the one with ghost powers and you’re the one duplicating to hell and back. Go fix your shit.”. Valarie steps up, “oh hell no, this moron is not going by himself.” Black Danny puts his hands on hips, “NO FUCKING SHIT”. Valarie just glares at black Danny “YOU’RE BOTH THE SAME DAMN PERSON! IT DOESN'T COUNT! A MORON TIMES TWO IS STILL A MORON!”. Sam groans, “just go out there you angry babies, sweet Plasmius.”. Both Danny’s and Valerie roll their eyes at Sam as they bolt out. Sam leans over to Jazz, “they’re so getting back together”. Tucker smirks as he overhears, “they’re our atomic power couple, get it? Since their both walking warheads?”. Jazz groans, “Danny has tainted you.”. Sam just shrugs, “well, they are a match made in anger, clearly.”. Tucker flops down onto the ground as the house shakes and a wild Danny comes crashing in and just starts ping-pong bouncing around. The three swat at it with brooms. Jazz shakes her head, “I think I better grab more thermos’s. We don’t know that Danny will be able to reabsorb any of these monstrosities.”. Sam calls to her as Jazz runs over to the lab, lightly stepping over needles, knives, two swords and what looks like a jigsaw trap?, “Ms. Psychology textbook! why is it that teenage super heroes are all so angry and aggressive?”. Jazz yells from down the steps “because the ones who aren’t die!” Continuing as she comes back up, arms full of sweet sweet thermos, “you can’t face the things they do, day after day, carry the responsibilities, and keep deep secrets like that; without being an energetic firecracker. Aggressive anger is like determination on steroids.”. Handing out the thermos’s they prepare for another assault on the wild Danny’s as they hear someone, most likely a Danny shout, “VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER YOU FUCKING FUCK!”. They come out in time to see Valerie, on her board, straight up throw one of the “normal” Danny’s at the white Danny. While the other “normal” Danny is two foot stomping on the face of a wild Danny. The three regular humans blast their thermos’s in random directions other than where the three Danny’s are, because the damn wild Danny’s are literally everywhere. Tucker slams the thermos down on the head of a wild Danny just in time to see green Danny flying jab white Danny in the chest with the dart, as white Danny physically flings himself at the impact. Both of whom are snarling, teeth fully bared as they do so. “WHAT IS HE TRYING TO DO! PIERCE HIMSELF STRAIGHT THROUGH OR SOMETHING!” Tucker cries. Sam winds up rolling through a bunch of used bloody bandages at the same time that three becomes one, again. “Can’t he at least throw this stuff out? Lazy fucker”. Danny, all back together, fucking books it over to Jazz who throws a thermos straight at his face, he lets it slam into his face. Muttering, while laying on the ground “now that tickled my nostalgia bone”. Jazz just sighs as everyone continues catching all the wild Danny’s throughout the night.

“Remind me to never use duplication to escape my parents ever again.” Danny groans, as he slumps against a wall. “the only positive is that this has to be a new Highscore for number of times one of us almost died.”. Tucker exhausted slaps him in the chest, “I say lets beat it next year”. Jazz jerks her head over to the boys “absolutely not and Danny sit down. There’s no way your legs are healed.”. At this Danny starts laughing “what the fuck does healed even mean anymore!?”. Jazz grimaces at this. Sam drags Valerie over to the three, “I say we head back to Danny’s, it’s the only place where we won’t get into serious trouble.”. Danny and Jazz scoff “hell they’d be proud”. Jazz adding, “plus we have to make up an explanation for the house.”. “Fuck that! I ain’t doing that! I say watch the fucking news, that’s the fucking story right there!”. Jazz looks at Danny “you know they’ll blame Phantom?”. “NO FUCKING SHIT! DO I CARE!? FUCKING NO!”. Sam smirks, “you could just tell them everything, Pan Fan included”. Danny glares “FUCK NO! EAT A DICK SAM!”. She just rolls her eyes “I can’t, I’m vegan.”. Valarie groans “Uh guys I’d like a couch right about now. And what’s a Pan Fan?”. Danny goes and scoops her up bridal style and just walks off, “Pan means Phantom, Fan means Fenton” calling back to the others “you fucks coming or what?”. As Jazz trails after him scolding him about walking on his, still, broken legs. While Danny and Valerie mutter about code words. Tucker and Sam watch them go a bit before following themselves. Quickly the yard comes into view, Jazz can’t help but shake her head, “how did you even fit half this into your walls Danny.”. “Fucking creatively that’s how, and now there’s NOWHERE TO FUCKING PUT IT!”, Valerie slaps him, “my ears are right here you moron. I would like to keep my eardrums thank you very much.”. Tucker just chuckles “ears, who needs ‘em”. Valerie kicks him with her foot, still being carried by Danny. “Me, that’s who.”. Stepping over many sharp things, the group heads up to where the door used to be.

Maddie and Jack wake up just as the five walk inside. Jack hardly seems to notice the destruction but Maddie is stunned. Sam just turns on the tv to the ghost news as Danny lays Valerie down on the half-destroyed couch. Maddie only takes in the absurd carnage on tv for a little while before turning her attention to the kids. Who are all varying levels of beat up. Danny and Valerie are technically the worst but Danny doesn’t really count. But being ever the mother and not knowing any better, Maddie runs to her son first and demands he sit down. “Danny! What are you doing! You were in no condition to even be leaving the house!” Danny rubs the back of his neck, “things happened and like I said I. Am. Fine.” Sam can’t help but snicker as Danny has to hold his tongue around his parents, they don’t tolerate swearing very well. Maddie just shakes her head, “all of you are going to the hospital now. No buts, Fenton Assualt Vehicle. Now.”. This time Maddie carries the little hunter and they all head off to the, very overcrowded hospital. On the ride there they discuss what happened and in a surprise to no one, they blame Phantom and thinking he must have messed with their dart somehow to cause this. Regardless they scrap the dart project.

Luckily, Danny’s ectoplasm levels are so low from overexertion that he doesn’t raise any red flags in Amity. So he gets off with only leg casts, yes two of them. “Would you look at that, you wound up in the hospital anyways.” Sam gloats. “Yeah and the best part? I CAN’T ACTUALLY TAKE THEM OFF!” Danny flails his now healed up legs around, though he wouldn’t be allowed to remove the casts for months. Since the doctors don’t know shit about him being a halfa or halfa healing. Tucker raises an eyebrow at Sam, Sam leans over and explains “his parents had them lined with anti-ghost thread so they won’t even come off in ghost form.” At this Tucker bursts out laughing. “OH FUCK YOU TOO! YOU CAN BOTH DROWN IN FIRE!”. Tucker waves a hand at Danny, “oh you love us” as Danny grumbles.

All over town, there’s Danny shaped dent marks, impalement holes and other generalized destruction. But, like always, Fenton Works looks the most absurd. There are hundreds of weapons of increasing absurdity strewn all over the yard, house and road. Most of them are actually Danny’s, though his parents don’t know that. Jazz managed to convince their parents to let them, with Sam, Tucker and Valerie’s help of course, to clean up the outside. So long as Danny swore to stay in a chair the entire time, much to him and his constant-need-for-action’s, dismay. While cleaning Sam raises an eyebrow at an oddly fish shaped knife, “So what are we going to do with all the wild Danny’s?”. Both Valarie and Danny grin evilly, responding with only one word, “Vlad”. Not even two hours later, only managing to not break Danny’s promise by carrying the entire chair with them, a mysterious package arrives at Vlad’s mansion. Being so egotistical that he refuses to believe anything could really harm him, Vlad idiotically brings it inside to open it. He doesn’t know yet just how idiotic that will truly be.

End.

15 notes · View notes