#and I'm probably not trying hard enough
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Saint Spyridon. One of my favourite Eastern Orthodox Church saints.
#my religious journey is always always bumpy#but I'm trying#and I'm probably not trying hard enough#but oh well#at least I know there's always hope and that's so relieving#orthodox christianity#orthodox church#eastern orthodoxy#eastern orthodox christianity
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I feel like if Dipper were ever reincarnated as a demon, he wouldn't fit in super well with the others. Yes, he's been raised to vie for power and step on everyone in his way using whatever means is necessary - it's the same toxic bizz as when he was a human, appealing to gender norms. He's tougher, scarier, more powerful (than ordinary humans, that is), but when it comes to asserting control - being Evil - he doesn't have it in him. Given enough time, I think he'd grow pretty vocal about leaving living things alone. NOT torturing organisms for the hell of it, or stealing people's souls, or conquering planets. Sure, he's a demon. That's no excuse to be a MONSTER.
It's a VERY unpopular opinion amongst neighboring demons, and rumor spreads fast about the Goody Two-Shoed Activist imp raining on everyone's blood-splattered parade, so much so that it makes it to Bill, who's immediately intrigued. Call it intuition, but only one soul's capable of overriding goddamn demon nature for some preachy bullshit about "Doing Good." Lucky for him, demons occupy the same plane of existence, so all it really takes to verify the guy is a snap of his fingers, and POOF! He's floating right next to him. Sure enough, Dipper's fashioned himself a new and improved demonic form, and it is lovely!
No one likes Dipper's kumbaya "Can't We All Just Get Along" ideology, but Bill's almost instantly smitten with the guy, whoever he is, so he's gotta be at least somewhat powerful. Demons take notice when the all-powerful Bill Cipher starts lending his time (and magic?) to some low-leveler like Dipper. Is he being blackmailed? Are they working together? No. Not possible. Bill doesn't "work" with anyone, save for whatever human catches his eye every few decades. Doesn't look to be doing him any benefit, either. The opposite, even. Lending power to a saint like Dipper only makes it harder to cause chaos, after all. Why would he actively go against his OWN best interest to cater some imp's? It's almost like he's. He's.
A henchmen.
(Bill's also 30% more affectionate the first month they reunite, because he still can't believe that his adorable little human husband came back as the same SPECIES as him! He'd never complain over having a sweet human to squeeze, but one with teeth and claws and cute pointy ears doesn't hurt).
#answers#I can't help but picture demon dipper starting out all like#I'm Bad 😡 I'm Mean 😡 I'm Evil As Heck!! 😡#And still having a HUGE hatred for things that are Unfair or Unjust. One time he saved a kitten from a tree and got embarrassed about it#Eventually he just has to give into his nature and speak up about all the BULLSHIT he sees going on around him#Sorry Dippin' Dots even the society that 'raised' you can't prevent you from your do-gooder ways#Don't worry Bill loves you for the stupid idiot you are#Everyone is completely BAFFLED by Bill acting like a friggin' henchman though#I bet they don't even peg it as romantic interest at first. Dipper sure doesn't#He's thinking this is some Grand Scheme to convince him back into the evil fold#And to be fair Bill's very tempting in that respect. But not leaning as hard into it as he *could* be#Maybe he thinks Bill's trying to 'mentor' him for something. Seems like the kind of thing Bill would imply and let Dipper fill in the gaps#They're technically not the same SPECIES since Dipper's probably some human-shaped 'demon'#And Bill's originally from a two-dimensional weird universe. Technically speaking he's His Own Thing#Aside from whatever refugees escaped that plane. If any.#Demon covers a LOT of different beings that don't have much or any genetics in common#But you KNOW Bill's thrilled as hell that Dipper's Slightly More Immortal than usual!! This one's gonna last a WHILE#*slams fist on table* Give Dipper A Tail With A Tuft That Bill Can Pull To Be Annoying#Final thought: In this incarnation Bill might have been wondering where the hell Dipper got to since there's no human around#Given a long enough time he might even wonder if he was LOST#So you know that when Dipper reemerges on the scene everyone else was dealing with a VERY unhappy Bill Cipher for QUITE a while
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tired of early 20-somethings acting like harry potter was never good or had no value in its day like shut the fuck up half of you weren't even there when it peaked
#sit with the cognitive dissonance like the rest of us or shut up honestly#was it a product of its time yes#was it's author a very basic neoliberal white lady from a country with a long and unchecked imperialist history yes#was the story influenced by said neoliberal worldviews and unexamined biases obviously#does any of that make it a bad story or an unimaginative world no#you can pick apart any fantasy world if you try hard enough#harry potter was a good telling of the hero's journey written in the format of seven mystery novels set against a fantasy backdrop#we can certainly talk about its flaws or how the author's biases leaked onto the page#but stop acting like it was never good and there was never a reason those books resonated with people#it's condescending for one thing and again- if you're younger than like...24-25 you didn't actually experience the heyday of the books#if you're 25 now you'd have been like 8 or 9 when the last book came out and probably weren't reading them yet#you might remember the latter half of the movie era but you have no idea how much it was the BOOKS that drove its popularity#never before and never since has any book series had the fanfare that harry potter did and that didn't happen for no reason#so find a way to make peace with that instead of acting intellectually superior because you grew up with percy jackson instead#this 'well MY generation's preferred childhood book series is morally superior to YOURS so I'm better than you' shit drives me up a wall#like get over yourself honestly#...sorry had to get that off my chest there was this youtube video and it was irritating me
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Intensely Spicy Curry Training: Hypmic Curry Drama Track TL
Kuukou: Y’all sure took your sweet time getting here! I’ve already got everything prepared!
Jyushi: But didn’t you tell us to meet you at the temple?
Hitoya: If we’re making curry, why the hell are we way out in the mountains to do it?
Kuukou: Because I just had a great idea. Check this out!
Jyushi: Ooooh, look at all this meat! So, we’re going to be using all of this in our curry?
Hitoya: Beef and chicken, huh? I guess it would make sense not cook these while inside your temple.
Kuukou: You’re half right, and half wrong.
Jyushi: What do you mean?
Kuukou: I don’t plan to make just any ol’ curry. Now it’s time for the both of y’all to mince the hell out of this meat!!
Hitoya: I didn’t know whether to expect if a corrupt little monk such as yourself knew how to cook, but I’m surprised. Instead of using something pre-made, if we pound and mince the meat ourselves, we’d get a far more superior product. Is that what you were thinking?
Jyushi: Oh, I see! That’s amazing, Kuukou-san!
Hitoya: So, where’d you put the food processor?
Kuukou: Ah?? The hell are you on? You’re grinding this meat with your bare hands.
Jyushi: …Eh?
Kuukou: Jyushi, you’re on beef! Hitoya, you’re taking the chicken! Punch it with everything you’ve got and make minced meat out of it!! This is a new training session I thought up!
Hitoya: What the hell is this fool saying??
Jyushi: B-But there’s so much meat!! Grinding it by hand is impossible!!
Kuukou: I don’t want to hear any complaints!! You don’t know that unless you try!
Jyushi & Hitoya: *reluctantly pounds the meat by hand*
Jyushi: *tearfully* …My body’s going to become minced meat before the actual beef!
Hitoya: Damn it, I can’t believe I let my guard down like this…! I shouldn’t have expected we’d simply make curry…!
Kuukou: You can’t expect to get anywhere with a weak spirit behind weak fists like that!! Lemme show you how it’s done!
Kuukou: *starts punching*
Hitoya: You bastard, those are vegetables!!
Jyushi: E-Even I could mince a tomato by hand!
Kuukou: It doesn’t matter either way!! Whether it’s vegetables or meat, all that matters is the heart you’re putting behind it!!
Jyushi: T-That doesn’t make any sense…!!
Kuukou: “Enlightenment can be attained through one thousand fists!” Don’t just keep yapping and put some energy into your hips and legs too!
Hitoya: Tch, I don’t see any way out of this… Then, I might as well get it over with…!! UWOOOOOOOOOAAAARRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!! *maximum effort punching*
Jyushi: H-Hitoya-san??
Kuukou: Hyahaha! There’s the effort I wanna see!
Jyushi: Guh… Because My God has unshackled the chains binding his true power, I, too, must unlock mine to continue alongside him…! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! *maximum effort punching*
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Jyushi: I-I can’t move another inch…
Hitoya: Ugh… I can’t even take the cap off my water bottle…
Kuukou: *sighs* It’s pretty pathetic to be that exhausted just from cooking.
Hitoya: You…!!!
Jyushi: But, I think it would be really nice if our training efforts could be felt by those eating our curry…!
Hitoya: …Well, I don’t think I’d say it like that, but I agree with the sentiment.
*the trees rustle and the birds chirp and there is peace*
Kuukou: The fuck are y’all talking about? There’s no point to this if the people who eating aren’t going through training too.
Jyushi: Eh?
Kuukou: Training can only be felt when you grow from the trials you’ve experienced yourself. Hopping off from other people’s efforts won’t mean shit.
Jyushi: B-but I mean, we’ll still be serving the curry to others once it’s finished cooking, right?
Kuukou: Yup. Which is why I’ve got…!
Hitoya: UWAH!! MY EYES!! IT’S IN MY EYES!!
Jyushi: That powder…!!
Hitoya: It’s red chili pepper!! Jyushi, run!! Move upwind so it doesn’t blow and stick to your mucous membrane!!
Jyushi: Eeek!!! *runs away sobbing*
Kuukou: HYAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Hitoya: Kuukou, you bastard, what are you doing? Are you trying to ruin everything we worked on??
Kuukou: I’m not ruining a damn thing! This curry will be spicy so I can provide a remote kind of training!
Hitoya: Stop fucking around!! There’s gotta be a limit!!
Jyushi: *runs back over* I think there’s more chili pepper powder than ingredients now…!!
Kuukou: Then it’s just right! Now try it.
Jyushi: NO!! I will not be eating!! I absolutely refuse!! Don’t even try me!!
Kuukou: Hey stupid, watch it, that’s dangerous!! Stop fighting me and just—Ahh??
Jyushi: T-The inside of the pot is pitch black……!!
Hitoya: Obviously. Chili peppers burn easily. Haah… Let’s just remake the curry.
Jyushi: But doesn’t that mean we’ll have to mince more meat??
Kuukou: Whatever, I was thinking our “Intensely Spicy Curry Training” was made too halfheartedly anyway!! Time to give it all I got and win this championship!!
#kuko harai#jyushi aimono#hitoya amaguni#bad ass temple#hypmic#hypnosis mic#til that you can make a meat paste at the very least by using a mortar and pestle LOL#the curry pissed me tf off lmao it was so spicy but underneath all that spice was a ridiculously flavourful curry#it's spicy enough that i can tell it's comfortably spicy for people used to eating spice tho!!#habenero is the worst experience with spice i ever had and it wasn't that bad lol but i got the sense it could have been#so i assume jyushi and hitoya talked kuukou down lmao or we didn't want a repeat burnt product lol#i decided to tone down how i usually write bat to try and not show my very obvious bias lol hopefully it worked#i remember slug mentioning sometimes a tl will come off vague in order to not get in the way of future developments#and i actually felt that tling this lmao like when hitoya was telling kuukou there's a limit for everything#i had to choose whether to make this about kuukou and training or kuukou and the chili peppers#the statement itself was a vague warning so my own interpretations of bat were getting in the way probably lol#statements without a clear subject usually default to the person speaking so kuukou saying give it everything and win the championship#is me assuming he's talking about himself and again i'm a little worried my own interpretations of bat are getting in the way#since kuukou's self reliance is blatant but also not if you're casually looking at bat SO IDK LOL I THINK TLING IS HARD#curry tl
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I think the problem. the problem is that I have always been afraid of not being invited into the inner circle. and am always wanting to be part of the inner circle. inner circle being the circle of love and companionship and communion. of course being a TCK and a bit of a sheltered homeschooled oddball child has nudged this further along over the years. but I didn't realise how STRONG that desire still burned. to actually be wanted.
#in other words today has been an oddly sad day! discovering that the friends you've made have their own group chats#that are separate from the general group chat (that no one ever talks on) that you aren't a part of is......... i don't know#i KNOW i'm liked by them and i KNOW they love me but do they WANT me around?#like. i know i'm not UNpleasant to have around. i am a good listener and a good conversationalist.#i work very hard at it because it doesn't come naturally to me.#but clearly that's not enough to be added to exclusive group chats! clearly that's not enough to be part of inner core circles#i don't know this just came out of nowhere and i feel as if i've been slapped in the face#sitting at a table where people are talking about the thing someone sent to the group chat#or the photo or quote or reel someone sent to someone else is....... bizarre.#i am trying not to be so hurt by it! i am trying not to take it so personally#it happens. i know it happens. i know it will keep happening. it is just that i thought this was a place where i wouldn't be lonely#and this is the dorm community i've invested so much of my time and energy and love into since last year.#so i think i'm justified in being a little upset!#i'm not crying about it but that's because i'm not about to cry with other people sitting here in the study lounge!#the math is probably really wrong here but i thought that if i poured love in for the sake of pouring love in#somehow somewhere along the line i would also receive love. that i would actually be a part of this community.#anyway that's not going to change how i live here! i committed myself to doing my best this last year#because i don't want anyone to feel left out or unwanted or lonely. i already made the decision#to do everything i can to love the people here.#i'm not trying to toot my horn this is just what i actually want to and have decided to do!#i have birthday cards planned! i have midterm snacks planned!#i've just worked out how i can print christmas and easter cards and stickers!#i'm GOING to love darn it all i'm GOING to pour love in#i think it hurts especially because there's the boy problem going on too#of not being wanted in an area that i DIDN'T expect to be wanted in#and then learning that there is a collective not being wanted in this whole community#it is a Lot and it is very hard and i don't know what to do with it!#i have had this lie (that i'm inherently unloveable and undesirable) in my head since childhood#and i've worked SO HARD to shut that voice up. and it is so so hard to not believe it right now
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thinking about the Percy Jackson show that’s being made right now, and as someone who was obsessed with those books for years and then got late-diagnosed with ADHD and a learning disability (Dyscalculia), I really hope that the show actually shows how Percy struggles amongst his peers before coming to camp. I expect that the show will portray the positive aspects of neurodivergence since it’s so tied to all the character’s powers in the books (like Dyslexia being because their brains are hardwired for reading ancient Greek)--and I’m excited about that!--but I would also love to see the struggle that comes with being ND and not ever fully assimilating with NT peers.
give me a Percy Jackson who gets kicked out of school not just because he acts out or has unexplained incidents with his powers, but who struggles in school and has to repeat a grade or two because his Dyslexia is so bad. A Percy whose teachers don’t believe him when he says he’s really trying because his grades are straight D’s and F’s despite his best efforts. A Percy who is a loyal and eager friend but doesn’t always understand NT communication and doesn’t realize when he takes his sarcasm and joking too far and gets shunned for it. A Percy who, at the tender age of twelve, is totally burnt out because no one knows what to do with him, who has awful self-esteem because he’s been told his whole life that he’s failing, who believes he wasted his potential already, but whose mom is kind and understanding and fiercely defensive of him to the rest of the world because she knows her child is worth so much more than his ability to fit in or get good grades. A Percy who comes to camp and is suddenly surrounded by people just like him, who excels in battle and finds friends who just get him, who slowly relearns who he is and what he’s capable of, learning that his struggles can be strengths sometimes, and finding confidence and acceptance through this community in a way that he’s never had before.
#i'm sorry this post is so long i got a bit carried away#but i think about how awful my self esteem was and how hard it's been to rebuild it after being told for so long that i just wasn't trying#hard enough and it wasn't even my fault. and it would be so meaningful to see percy struggle while also growing to appreciate how his#neurodivergence can actually be a huge strength sometimes#and i think seeing someone ND acknowledge the good and the bad would probably mean a lot to younger ND kids today#seeing this super cool powerful character also really struggle to fit in and do school that everyone else finds easy#or at least it meant a lot to me as a kid seeing a bit of that in the books even though i didn't realize I was ND#percy jackson#percy jackson disney+#percy jackson show#pjo#adhd characters#neurodivergent characters#adhd#actually adhd#learning disability#dyslexia#dyscalculia#actually dyscalculic#invisible disability
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Jesus H Christopher, Pia. Your writing load is insane.
Maybe you should cut back on how many chapters you release for certain stories? Like Stain and Palma (since these stories dont equal income) until UtB the other Underline stories are almost done. Just a thought
Because I feel burnt out just by thinking of writing that much, so I can only imagine how you feel. Please take care of yourself
Hi anon,
TL;DR: My brain is stupid, which is why I can't do this, even though it makes sense and is logical.
Unfortunately the fanfiction is what often makes the original fiction possible, or more enjoyable.
If I lock myself down into too much schedule and rigidity, or if I only focus on writing for money, I actually start to hate writing, even if I love the stories. There is nothing like 'will this earn money, do people like this, would people pay, what if they all decide to stop paying for this, why would they pay for this, would I pay for this, how much would people pay for this, is there any incentive for them to pay for this, actually if I wrote a ton of different tropes maybe I'd make more for this, but that's depressing, but I need the money, shit what do I do, what if I lose my income, what if it all stops tomorrow, I need to write more, I need to write more, I need to write more' that is actually very exhausting and makes writing not much fun at all.
And to deliberately break out of that headspace as much as possible, I write fanfiction. Because that headspace (the one I wrote about above), on its own, even if I'm only writing two stories, can and has led to burnout and depressive episodes. I don't recommend it.
In a way, one of the reasons I can write so many stories right now (ADHD meds aside) is that I am letting myself break out and just have fun with fanfiction, and remember that my original writing is meant to be fun too. But without fanfiction, I lose sight of that very quickly.
Fanfiction means that when an original story chapter does super badly, generally there are still excited comments elsewhere that keep me going. That's how I survived The Ice Plague, and that story would never have been completed without fanfiction, because that was my worst performer of any story I've ever written. It also means if a lot of subscribers leave at once, I don't feel like The Worst Writer In The World. So having fanfiction behind me was like...a literal safety net or my security blanket.
If I have to discard my security blankets or use them less often in order to keep writing the original stuff, I might as well just stop entirely, because my longest hiatuses from Patreon (i.e. one lasted 1.5 years, many have lasted 4-6 months) have been when I'm mostly just writing original fiction, and am not writing much fanfiction, or not deliberately finding time for it, and finally get so stressed out re: money I literally have to stop. I'm on a (partial) Disability Pension.
A long time ago some professional people told me I probably shouldn't be working at all because of my mental illnesses and then paid me money because of the severity of those mental illnesses. My dumbass brain be pretty fragile, actually, and keeps chugging away because I make bad business decisions and write stuff I enjoy instead of writing to market, or doing rapid release, or releasing more novels (or novels). Writing does ironically help when I'm stressed, but not when I'm stressed about making money because of writing.
I will cut at my income before I cut at my love of this job, and unfortunately fanfiction keeps me going in this job, which means I can't really cut at that first.
(Also from a business perspective, it's actually a very good funnel to the original stuff and then subscription. Most of you wouldn't be here if you hadn't read one of my fanfics first and then gave the original stuff a try - I try not to think about that too much because I need fanfic to not be about money, but the fact is, I would not have this career without fanfic).
I do have plans to take two weeks off in January from posting chapters (I can still post rewards in the second half of January) and that's not too far away.
And the reality is that I probably would have kept going okay if real life hadn't imploded on top of everything like the world's worst bukkake party.
#asks and answers#personal#pia on writing#i am not a smart business owner#i'm an emotional fragile mentally ill one#who has to make decisions that keep me wanting to do this job#because at the end of the day#my severe treatment-resistant mental illnesses#do not do well with the pressure of making money#and feeling like a failure#so i need to actually do things that aren't about money at all#to remind myself that i don't need to have a breakdown#over never making a minimum wage#(i'm getting closer though which is probably why this burnout came on)#(i've been pushing a lot harder than normal because... well... i'd like to make#an average income one day)#(i may not be smart enough or well enough to do that)#(but i will keep trying)#i just have to keep trying as someone with a very broken mind#who copes with that brokenness through working hard#breaks are stressful and i have to think hard about what's best
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a large amount of time I've been spending on -untitled undefined scope original fiction project- since the last time I posted about it has been trying to develop the protagonist concept I came up with last summer or whatever into like, a character that would feel real and era appropriate.
it's fun research to do. naturally a lot of the details I assigned to her are things that I already think are cool, so it's been a lot of fun trying to trace her traits back through the relatively recent past, getting reminded of how much things have changed, or where the gaps in my intuition are, and then doing a flurry of reading to get a sense for exactly how someone like her and the people around her could have happened and what her life was probably like leading up to her present day. hopefully this results in some good good verisimilitude.
#I wrote a short story from her perspective over the holidays and then didn't know how to continue it#and then I got distracted by real life stuff for a few months#I forget if I posted about that#and then I've been picking through archive dot org for the last few weeks looking at this stuff#the last big rabbit hole was trying to get a better feel for era appropriate ts/tv subculture#the current one I'm looking at is how she would've gotten into language learning and how that would've worked#nettle has been prodding me about the setting thing lately so I've been thinking about that more too#probably the biggest hurdle by far is figuring out how I want to play that#and how I want the thing to be divided up#since the original coc scenario I'm developing this out of is centered on a flight from LA to honolulu#and the airport dungeon was definitely meant to be a hook for a larger campaign#some amount of it is going to cover protag lady's failed life in LA and some of it is going to be worse things happening in hawaii#but it's like. how much do I want to balance it one way or the other#and realistically how much does the aesthetics of 20th century air travel add to the story#besides me personally thinking it's compelling ofc#a lot of what I find compelling about hawaii is that it's an east/west cultural crossroads and realistically that's also true of socal#and I can wax poetic about socal as much as I want without worrying all that much about mishandling something#and there's also a lot of socal specific history along similar parallels to pull from that I'm more familiar with#I guess it comes down to whether curiosity re: 'doing it right' is enough of a motivator to do the increased amount of research#which I guess it has so far with the above character details. so hopefully that will continue#but it also feels like using machine translation a bit yknow. it's hard to know how effectively I'll be able to sanity check#although depending on where this goes I might be able to get other people involved to sensitivity read down the line#with most of the creative things I do I just have a tendency to always rely really heavily on figuring things out myself#I also want protag lady to have a Cool Car and idk how to get that from point a to point b narratively#this is like an entire second or third post's worth of tags but I don't feel like unfucking this so whatever. suffer. I guess.
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should I get a ticket to a book signing on thursday.
#or is that a bad idea.#i feel like i need to get out and do something before i. yes.#but idk if I'm well enough :/#maybeeeee if i can get my dad to drive me so i don't have to get the train but that is a big maybe#it's like a whole evening thing but the vibes sound fairly lowkey so i don't think it would be too much#idk I've been struggling a lot with not being able to do things lately so. idk!#and I'd be going on my own which i don't mind but it is always that bit harder not having someone there in case i need help#i liked the author's first book well enough and there will probably be many gay people there so it might be nice to try and meet some peopl#idk!! i know i need to do things and have things to look forward to because otherwise. the demons. but it's so hard to balance when my body#is not on the same page#I've decided i will go and see lisa frankenstein when it's out and maybe also drive away dolls#so if nothing else i have my few times a year cinema trip to look forward to so maybe that will make me not want to kill myself for a bit.#sorry for vent essay i have been very much struggling to feel human recently. microdosing interacting with people.#being online is still making my brain feel strange so. idk what's up with that.
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One better (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#ZEX#Blood#I knew going into this and it was still so distressing :'0#Who needs plot twists when you can create such an intense sense of Dread#Probably doesn't help that I read this At Night In the Dark lol - actual shivers#Gods this was a hard scene to read - there have been several instances of my face hurting from furrowing my brow so hard haha#The way that ''Doctor'' is written is So skillful - I'm so impressed by everyone's prose and quirks and syntax!#Not to mention when he breaks character in a later scene to apologize for taking a bit to move the scene along haha <3 Play!!#It really does speak to just how much skill and effort is put into everything <3 It's so well done all the way around!!#Anyway to the actual scene at hand lol ow :') Drawing blood is always fun but I wish it wasn't his ;u;#Ugh the way he takes the surgeries is so well written - fear of course but a kind of stoic suffering as much as he's able to -#Until it comes to his eye#Ugh the /break/ of it all he goes from so eloquent - almost snarky and silly! Still trying to find an out make peace do /something/#It all goes completely out the window he's so /reduced/ and nothing hurts worse than that ughughugh#For all his intelligence and wit and prior successes and charm and just - everything that makes him /him/ to be dissolved into abject fear#It's so sad ;; And so well done <3#And he still holds enough of himself to know what he'd be losing wegh it's so sad!! He's so defined by his vision as most VUX are it's fjdsl#Zelnick is already gone by this point but I wanted to throw him in for extra sad flavour :')#Plus - I've mentioned his post-Op was one of the ones from the gallery that Actively kills me every time I look at it#Can you imagine my heartbreak to find out that he didn't have his Captain to comfort him after this in actuality? That he was fully alone?#''Are we home? Is it over?'' ''N...not yet'' - The Absolute Devastation of realizing that Never Was not really#Just tear my heart out why don't you ugh I'm fully bleeding out 💔#That last one is actually meant to be Max but it's open to interpretation :)#I think it's such a waste that his eye was just disposed of! Someone else could've used that (lol)#I do think there's something to the idea of seeing what used to be a part of your body elsewhere - like the Leftovers!#Even just keeping as a memento tho - a trophy - insult to injury but literally#Just points to no one being special and nothing being sacred I suppose
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helo everyone after more than a month i am here to announce requests are open again!! feel free to send any request you sent when they were closed since i probably deleted it! :D
goal is around 15-20 requests until i close them again, depends on how hard they are! (please spare me i draw on ms paint with a mouse HSKHFJDHKGJEGD)
#important#request status#technically i have one left that i gotta do but i'll do that sometime#i'll be less likely to draw 2 people since that takes me decades but i'll try my best HKSJFHHHJEHG#unless it's my blorbos. i can't contain the urge to draw them sorry#also if i don't do your request it's probably because it was too hard or not elaborate enough or i just didn't feel like it HJKSFHHDHEGKJ#yeag. have fun i'm gonna go to france by car soon
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I wonder how many tags i can add on to this
#there must be SOME kind of a limit otherwise posts would get suuuuuuper duper long like is it just 30?#idk but i'm going to find out by simply maxxing out the character limit for each tag and finding out the limit of tags for each post lololo#this is gonna be great. i just have to remember to type without ever using the comma. it shouldn't be too hard right? fuck i almost typed#the comma i'm already bad at this smh my head. also if your still here i commend you. you have a better attention span than i do.#i'm already starting to get bored holy shit this is not happening. i gotta power through this. FOR SCIENCEEEEEEEEEE. or somethinggggggggggg#but fr idk what else to say. maybe just saying that i don't know what to say will be good enough? but does that even count?#I don't even know anymore. ffffffffuck. this is gonna be a while huh? also holy shit if you're still here omg u deserve like. a prize or#something because u definitely didn't have to stay and read all of this bull shit. lololol i typed out bs but decided to just spell the who#thing out just to make it go by faster. i'm so lazy. this is only the nineth tag HOW will i make it to 30. i am sobbing the adhd is adhding#very hard rn. are you still here? bruh this is insane. i have somehow managed to keep ur attention this long and it's just me spouting#absolute balderdash. wait do you know what balderdash even means? i don't care if you do already i'm gonna tell you anyway. balderdash is#basically just another word for nonsense. boom. you learned something new today. balderdash equals nonsense equals this damn post.#why did i decide to do this in the first place. it was a dumb idea. i don't know if i can even keep going. this is only the *counts tags*#it's the 14th tag. we've got a long way to go boys. men. soldiers. comrads. friends. besties peeps. marshmallows.#where was i going with this? oh yeah. trying to max out the limit for tags. dang i almost typed a comma there. i haven't done that since#i think the third or fourth tag. dang that feels like such a long time ago. not for you guys probably. it feels longer because i have to li#type it all out and stuff. so it's definitely gonna feel longer for me. are you still here? good lord don't you have better things to#be doing than reading all of this? we're already on tag number 18. it feels like i should be on the thirtyeth by now. or however it's spell#'toast' you might be wondering 'why are you typing out the names of the numbers instead of say '9' or '5'?' well you see. young one.#this is a strategy i'm using to make each tag slightly longer. even if i don't know how to spell it. it'll make it just a little bit longer#anyway. i got off topic. not that there was ever a topic to begin with. unless it's about making this as long as i can.#which i am apparently good at doing. i guess. are you STILL here? do you seriously have nothing to do? i guess i'm flattered you stayed thi#whole time. instead of reading something else you stayed here. with me. listening to me talk. on the twenty-third tag. oh yeah its tag 23#except now it's tag twenty-four. how crazy is that. this little talk is almost over. only 6 tags away if memory serves right. this's strang#i kind of don't want this to end. but i know it should. after all there is a limit. but all things must come to and end at some point i gue#i'm running out of things to say. it's probably a good thing it's almost over. hahahahah............... but i don't want to go. i don't wan#to leave this post. i've worked so hard on it. and for what. just for it to end. are you still here? yes? good. i'd hate to end this alone.#thank you for indulging me and my craziness. the end is only 2 tags away now. you can go ahead and leave. i'll be okay on my own. really...#...you're still here? i- i don't know what to say. i suppose a toast is in order. perhaps. for this journey. this stupid dumb post i though#would be fun. i'll make it short. it's the last tag after all. this was fun. but i will never do it again. so long as a i live. i'll miss y
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finally drew a colored picture of this character, because I’m going to be playing an au version of him in a d&d campaign and needed to make a ref for my character token
#changing his name from tchea to Pal#short for palette#its an obvious name but its cute. although god i keep giving my characters three letter names#IS THIS ANOTHER WAY INVADER ZIM IS HAUNTING ME FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE.............. FUCK#neopets#frogs#my art#palette#i would have gone more elaborate with the dots on the dart frog looking version#but i didn't wanna trip up peoples trypophobia#and also i wanted him to be easy enough to draw#i'm more of a stripes fan personally but i'm trying to stick to the script#lucky me that nimmos are kind of just Frogs#i keep trying dnd even though i always get too scared. this character is sooo mild and ill defined though. how hard can it be#my problem last time was probably that i made a character with a really strong personality and then couldn't improvise in character
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#thatthingliveblog#ok so like progress wise we've gotten nothing done#but like?#pretty much the best person on earth#in terms of that other thing that I /alluded/ to I'm trying to get an inventory to work#like a SUPER rudimentary one because I didn't want to work too hard on math. Might edit it later though#i haven't gotten the chance 2 draw much this week... will probably draw 50 things this weekend#I do need to work out how to um. Come up with better names.#this label thing is seriously going 2 be the death of me but I might just have to get a cyoa software..? 2 plot it all out#drafted this on the wrong blog but whatever. Updates have been here anyway#i do NOT like that massive empty space btw. Working on that.#i think we're going to put a prefs button there because? It isn't on the default list for whatever reason#then after this we make ui 4 the rest of it and it looks sooo shiny and pretty and we do nothing with that#i do want to change this 2 have green on the buttons but I forgot and just photoshopped it super quick#tonight's gonna be a late night ill be on later besties#ummm that's good enough i think. Send post
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"It's not dysphoria" I say as I write an entire assignment on my own invisible queerness and gender identity, and as I feel like tearing my skin off and crawling into a cave forever
#i love that this seems to happen every october sdfghfd#those who have been here long enough know the pattern by now#but what am i gonna do about it? nothing probably. idk maybe something when i'm 45#i would be more okay with all this if i wasn't fucking 5'1 with the biggest girly baby eyes ever#god when cis people say 'but you're so pretty' all sad like it's a shame i'm not dolling myself up.#maybe i can pass as an 11 year old boy. and maybe passing isn't the point. but i would at least like a CRUMB.#....ah. that's why i'm so messed up rn. probably this assignment / research topic i'm choosing#and also having to keep my partner's transition a secret. it's not hard i just worry that someone in the family will find out#that's probably why i've procrastinated working on this assignment for so long lol. it's too personal.#i also had one of those days yesterday where i felt like everyone was scrutinizing me. and maybe a few old men actually were#but i mean who cares? but still can't queer people just exist without being a spectacle?#without cis people constantly trying to 'figure them out'?
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truly i need to stop getting angry over the opinions of stupid people who keep themselves ignorant on purpose. AND YET!
#......i had a whole rant in the tags but it was getting not vague enough so I'm keeping it like that#i will say tho. i am trying. so hard. to be patient and understanding and non-judgmental#and i think I'm doing a relatively good job compared to other ppl around me and those i run into online#and yet. and yet. as you can see. i have my limits too. I've been hit with too much stupidity i fear.#I'm not saying I'm much better bc I'm aware I'm not. but I'm trying! really hard! probably too hard which is why I'm constantly in shambles.#anyway i think that's vague enough that no one can attack me without straight up making stuff up themselves so. thanks for reading 👍#vent#i guess. kinda.#less dark than usual at least! 🫡
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