#and I am not saying it to paint myself good | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tiredfoxtf · 1 year

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I personally understand the nihilistic and pessimistic people, where are they coming from with their world views. However, I never shared it. I just love people and the world we live in so much. Like sure there's plenty of assholes in the world, but for every asshole there's like 10 nice people in the world (math can be inaccurate, I pulled it out of nowhere). And this is why we are still sustained ourselves as a society. People love people. Or at least respect them. And this mutual respect and or love always was and continues being incredibly beneficial to humanity.

#> tired shitpost #if anything i always was a bit too positive kind hearted and naive #and I am not saying it to paint myself good #i was an easy target because of my open heart #but more people were open with me in return instead of taking advantage of me #and this is why I just can't not believe in the better of humanity #people are just so cool #i love people #i love humanity #our little quirks our diversity #we all are so so special

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tealfruit · 8 months

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it's really a shame I have to sell 40+ of my life hours every week for poverty wages instead of spending all my time and energy on dozens of creative and technical pursuits with unlimited resources

#nerd alert #lets see if i can list all the hobbies i wish i could be doing instead of working #drawing. both traditional and digital. painting mostly acrylic but id like to get good at watercolors. drawing/writing comics #writing in general. fiction nonfiction poetry lyrics whatever. composing music. music production. singing. practicing piano and guitar #performing someday maybe!#sculpting too. i always forget bc i never do it bc i am never in a place to justify buying clay. i should just get some #i think im fairly good at it tbh. anyway.#knitting. sewing. mending and modding clothes in general. embroidery. id like to learn to crochet at some point #photography and scrapbooking sound appealing. photo editing.#web design. game design. 3d modeling. these are all things i dont really know how to do much of but id like to #animation. voice acting. regular acting. honestly a lot of stuff in the filmmaking process sounds fascinating id like to try some of it #tarot reading. is that a hobby? im gonna say yes. jewelry making.#lots of these ive only dabbled in and some i havent even done that but would like to. but i have no time and or money to get into them.#i would hardly call myself a master at any of these. jack of all trades as it were. and thats fine im fine w that #but given the time and resources i think i could make so many different diverse perfectly average to good things #that people could enjoy in passing or say 'oh how neat :)' about

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everyones-least-favorite-bard · 8 months

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heavy is the head that wears the horror artist who's very easily frightened crown

#its me im the artist #i had such a good idea for a painting but i also am very aware that i wont be able to sleep tonight if i try making it #too fucking!! too spooky!#why do i do this to myself #<- he says while thumbnailing another piece

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running-in-the-dark · 2 months

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I know I've thought about this plenty of times before, but it really sucks being someone who likes things very intensely and defines themselves by their interests a lot, when you were/are always surrounded by people who do nothing but make fun of everything you like.

#just... man it fucked me up #all I want to do is talk about what I like but I can't because I 'know' everyone will make fun of me #my mother my father my brothers every other relative except my grandma #and of course everyone in school including the teachers #like fuck man I still don't know how to get over it #this comes back to me not being able to let people see my art #though in a weird way. because that was always the only #thing I ever got compliments for. even the people who bullied me liked my drawings.#so it became this Thing #this super mega important thing I NEEDED to be good at so that anyone would ever say anything nice to me #like it's all I am and all I ever was #and I'm objectively not that good at it!!! I have this horrendous inescapable fear that paralyses me when I'm drawing or painting #because it matters too much. my entire worth as a person is this because I have nothing else #idk I'm way overthinking this but it just feels really frustrating #it's literally just some silly doodles in a sketchbook why can't I let people see. I've never thought anything bad about anyone else's art #so why do *I* have to be perfect?? when that doesn't even exist?!#I hate myself so much

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bi-panic-at-the-disco · 1 year

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I’ve been on a kick of embroidering and making patches the last couple of days

#my art #patches #embroidery #rottmnt #rottmnt Casey #daycare attendants #fnaf sb #dca fandom #the ram one is the logo I’ve made for myself #and the moon one says my moon and stars cause it’s a lowkey version of my friend’s and my inside joke that the moon is my wife #cause I was gonna say in Latin “the moon; my love’’ basically but uh yeah couldn’t find a good translation #also! all I have left of sophomore year is just my painting critique/finishing my animation/and artist papers #and also actually make my resume #also im twenty now so that’s neat and I’ve gotten an undercut #also I am now one of the execs for an art club so that’s cool #also I have sold earrings and prints and i really like ceramics #plus I am going ahead with setting up the Casey and jr zine #and now I will go wash my face and take my anxiety medication cause otherwise I will forget to sleep

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a-concert-just-for-me · 10 months

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Ahoy friend! How goes the night?

Well thefreewillagency, you have made a grave mistake asking me this. Behold. It’s 2:00 am. My diary screaming out loud. You know, like Anna Nalick style.

These edibles are, in fact, shit (positive)

I’m most def a little high

#tw drugs #it feels like a weighted blanket #squeezing and heavy and ahhhh #every once in a while it squeezes my chest and it’s hard to breathe #but in a good way. I feel like I’m in Temple Grandon’s cow squeezer #sorry Grandin #but it’s more than the fuzzy from earlier #this time it’s like wavey #I keep thinking of the ‘look at all those squiggles’ informercial gal #she’s orbiting me like a planet and painting squiggles on my atmosphere #‘painting on my atmosphere’ Jesus can you be any more pretentious #I am meta aware of the fact I’m just saying every goofy thought #but also I um. just forgot where I was going with that point #I feel silly in my brain but my body is slow and deadpan #and I keep forgetting what I was going to say #inch resting #this is fun I like studying myself like a cell in a Petri dish #I’m like a record my thoughts go a little bit then stop. rewind. play. stop. rewind #material girl is stuck in my head though so that record is obviously having no problem #okay bye #enjoy this before I delete it later. goodnight peace and love #I think it’s starting to go away though #////delete later//

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theygender · 2 years

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You know... part of the reason I had a hard time coming to terms with being a lesbian growing up was because I didn't want to be like my mom. I had been through a lot of trauma that was directly related to her choice in women, and there's definitely something to be said for the difficulties that that caused me, but that's not what this post is about

My point is, when I was a kid the idea of anyone ever thinking that I was like my mother made me angry, and that combined with the internalized lesbophobia that I developed made me especially sick at the idea of anyone ever thinking that I was a lesbian. Even worse, I felt like the homophobes in our family expected me to become a lesbian because of their bigoted ideas that gay parents "corrupt" children. I didn't want to be a lesbian because I didn't want to prove them right and I didn't want to be compared to my mother, so I fought hard against ever being interpreted that way

But now, as someone who's reconnecting with my mom on my own terms and finding out that she's changed for the better? As someone who's secure in their identity as a lesbian and grateful for the opportunities that I've had to engage with the LGBT community throughout my life? As someone who loves my mother in spite of her flaws and recognizes the struggles she faced growing up in the 1970s as the first out LGBT person in a homophobic southern family? I'm proud to be as openly gay as I am and I will not be apologetic for it

I WILL look as queer as possible at our family reunions. I WILL make you respect my girlfriend's pronouns. I WILL speak openly and honestly about the woman I love. I WILL be who I am with no compromises. And I will not engage with you if you don't accept this

My mom had to spend way too many years trying to conform to heteronormative standards for her family's acceptance. She had to hide who she was throughout her childhood, and she had to go through conversion therapy when she was outed. Even as an adult she wasn't able to present the way she wanted or speak openly about her partners. She was the first out lesbian in a family full of southern conservative christians, and she had to live through the hell that her family created for her all alone

...But I am the second out lesbian in a family that supports me for who I am. And I'm the first out nonbinary person in a family that supports me for who I am. And I openly and proudly love all the trans people in my life, who are also fully supported by my family. And there's nothing any of my conservative relatives can do about that. I'm accepted by the family that matters, and I have to be afforded the same respect as everyone else at family gatherings. The homophobes no longer have the power in this situation. I get to be who I am, and if they don't like it they have to leave. They spent decades making my mom's identity a problem for her, and now I'm going to make my identity everyone else's problem. Get with the program or die fucking mad

#i really am proud of how much my mom has grown as a person #and im happy that we have supportive family members now too #my grandma. my great grandma. my grandpas wife #my great grandma was the only one who accepted my mom as a kid and shes always been sweet #when i was in high school i had a huge crush / sort of fling with a girl named tori and i guess my mom talked to her about it #my great grandma said she had heard i had a 'good friend' named tori and when i confirmed she told me how wonderful she thought that was #and that she thought we should go to college and get a nice apartment together after we graduated #i didnt even realize that she /knew/ that i was interested in girls before then but that conversation was so sweet #my nana took some time to adjust to trans issues but once she understands she does a great job of being supportive #she accepted my previous best friend (who i called my brother and my mom called her son) as her grandson #and after my mom explained it to her she always got his pronouns right #my mom has had to explain my girlfriends pronouns to her as well but now she makes sure to use the right pronouns for her too #my grandpa is probably the most conservative person in our family. BUT his wife is extremely sweet #her only reaction to my trans girlfriend was to say that one day the three of us should all get together and have a girls day #and whats he going to say about my girlfriend when his wife is being so supportive of her?#what is ANYONE in our family going to say about me or my mom or my girlfriend when all three of the family matriarchs are supportive of us?#you dont come into nanas house and be mean to her grandkids. you dont act like a dick in front of grandma betty #no one can talk shit about my mom for being a lesbian anymore when im there being an even BIGGER dyke and theyre required to be nice to me #and if any of my cousins ever come out theyll be safe now too #i painted myself into a big enough target that every other target would look tiny in comparison #and now that my grandmas have said that no ones allowed to shoot at me everyone has to put down their guns #and im pretty fucking proud of that tbh #thank you for paving the way for me mom. i know you went through a lot #ill take over from here #rambling

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pepprs · 1 year

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also (this is it i promise) this is why i am so INSANELY excited to have my own room soon. like omg. it is definitely not perfect bc it’s at home and there’s a breaker box in it and you can hear footsteps really loud through the ceiling and also again *it’s at home* when i really need to not be living at home. but the quality of life improvement i am about to have is actually INSANE. i will be able to have a space far away from everyone else where i can sing without bothering anyone and play piano and decorate it (mostly) to my liking and have a desk and draw and paint and do whatever. finally!!!!!!!! that is going to fix me!!!!!

#purrs #i just wish it was permanent or that i had more years to spend in it. like i actually just want to find the place where i will live forever #and just stay there bc oh my GOD am i tired of living in places temporarily. i have so many issues w that bc so many spaces that were #formative for me have been destroyed (e.g. the van 😍😍😍😍 and my grandparents house 😍😍😍😍 and my favorite hs teachers classroom 😍😍😍😍) or are #going to be destroyed (e.g. the office where i work rn 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍) or ive had to leave them and move out bc they’re inherently temporary (e.g.#my on campus room 😍😍😍😍 and my room in brighton 😍😍😍😍😍😍). and ive had attachment issues w space / location : whatever my whole life like i wou #would have huge meltdowns whenever we were transitioning from like elementary school to middle school middle school to high school etc etc..#so i really just um. would like permanence and stability please. im 24. im done w school for now and maybe forever. i want to find a place w #where i can just like.. stay. so if im paying rent like something that would allow me to renew it indefinitely and not fear bei ng kicked #out randomly or at the end of a determined period. i just want a home lol i want a homeeeee and i want to decorate it with all my things and #never be afraid that i will lose it and get to stay there forever and ever or at least as long as i want. bc my parents already have plans f #for my new room after i move out and i won’t get to decorate it as much as i want bc my mom doesn’t want me to damage the paint. but like if #i have a place of my own then i get to decide a little ding in the paint is worth it to put up my lanterns. you know? idk. the mortifying #ordeal of experiencing freedom like thisfor the first time in my mid-late twenties probably 😍😍😍😍😍😍 but still its gonna be good and i hope it #happens soon and i have to MAKE that happen. so yeah.#wishlist #delete later #ok now im done for real THJS time lol. my mom is gonna be so pissed at me ive barely lifted a finger here. but im enjoying the quiet what ca #can i say!!!!!!!! like OMG ok last thi ng…. like she’s always saying i have to love myself first before i get into a relationship and it’s l #like.. maybe my living conditions do not predispose me to be able to spend time w myself in ways that allow me to love myself!!!!!!#maybe always being on the defense and needing to find quiet spaces all the time and being shamed for that is not a very good way to experien #experience myself in the place im supposed to feel most grounded and comfortable!!! so yeah.#like maybe i stopped doing all the things i loved bc you got alexa and loud speakers and started blasting music all the time and dominating #space and becoming more and more high maintenance… 😳 (and obviously i changed as a person / played a role in it too but again my point / re #realization is… maybe it was in RESPONSE to stimuli that were not good for me and not just bc i suck as a person / am losing myself / etc.)#like theeeee sonic warfare of it all. also my brother is a key player in it too bc he raps and sings at the top of his lungs and it’s like 🤨

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skrunksthatwunk · 1 year

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god goromi really fucked my gender didn't she

#anyway i painted the world's shittiest stubble on myself today and wore the fanciest most hostess-esque dresses i have and GRGXZGRGRHZZGZXX #if i wasnt living in one of the US' finest transphobic hell states i would go out and i would get so many bitches like that i look SO GOOD #and it's so gender. god. t4t relationship WHEN!!!!! SOON I HOPE #someone come dote on this gnc emo boy please she's withering away without his proper care like a sickly tomodachi gf #when i get to college i could do little dorm dates n shit. maybe host drag practice nights or smth <33 #that's the dream baby #god. goromi wasnt my genderfluid awakening character but she came right after i figured it out and i latched on SO HARD #shes literally THE pillar of my gender representation. load bearing one-off gag 80% of the fandom KNOWS is More Than A Gag (me included)#god she's so genderrrrr. i need to be her STAT #when i say thats the dream the dream is actually getting to present like that openly and unafraid regularly but uh (: not. not now #but someday. and i am confident in that #if not me then someone like me #but i still hope i can wrangle up some college queers to be funny and gay with yknow. tis only a few months away!!#i gotta take it off before i go downstairs again bc frankly im not ready for my family to realize Oh It's For Real. Like You'll Act On It #she's a fragile baby bird atm and frankly i dont want them to know yet #(they know im gfluid just. i dont talk about it with my mom and she still uses she/her only. i dont think ive had the pronoun talk with her #yet though so thats not even her fault really. but i didnt wanna come out to her when i did!!! so im taking my sweet time with this)#so im stalling a bit even though i REALLY need to do work and it's gotta be downstairs </3 #anyway if people could just univerally decide to use he/she for majima interchangeably all the time so i could do that unchallenged thatd #be so cool thanks #like i know theres merit in other interpretations and i love them but what about ME #anyway. mwah i love gender sure hope nothing bad happens to it #i need to be someone's girlfriend boyfriend so badly you dont understand. ggrgrgrgrggrgrgrggrgrdbzvxzvzvzhsdhf #sorry for yearning. I'll hold it off as long as i can

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rosicheeks · 1 year

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I am envious of how talented you are. You sing. You paint. You have a caring and generous heart. I just want you to know I believe in you.

#^^ me currently #but add a few tears #cause WHAT #this is so fucking sweet #I’ve been holding on to this ask for awhile #it’s been chilling in my drafts #cause whenever I tried to reply #it *always* made me speechless #don’t envy me dear #I don’t find myself that talented tbh #and I’m not saying that for like sympathy ‘oh no!!! you’re so good!!!!’#no seriously #somedays I feel like I’m kinda talented #and the rest I’m like what the fuck am I doing??#but I’m trying to remind myself #art #painting / singing / etc #is all forms of expression #I truly suck at expressing myself #I know that’s funny cause I’m the queen of saying random shit in the tags #and sometimes it could be described as expressing myself #but irl? or when I’m just typing normally and not in tags?????#no no nope #words are just jumbled and make no sense #so I end up expressing myself through music or art cause it doesn’t matter if it’s flawless or perfect #as long as you feel it in your bones that’s all that matters ya know #this ask hit me in the heart tbh 🥺#thank you so so so much for the kind words #sweet asks #fav asks

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noxtivagus · 1 year

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dfhaskdfjsdkf good day 😭

#🌙.vents #i don't remember sleeping this long i think i woke up 12 then 2 then #5. i wld've slept for longer if i didn't force myself to get up n i think the milk tea helped wake me a bit #i'm so..#the burden of my regrets r so suffocating. there are times i can't see anything else when i'm drowning in them.#if such trivial failures affect me this much then how tf will i survive in this cruel world?#i know i'll always find my way but i wonder the lengths of what i sacrifice. of what i deny and destroy within myself #& of how it'll affect me in the unforeseeable future. of what more loss and pain it'll bring in this world #compared to before i don't often put up a mask anymore. even if it's painful i choose to be authentic. i've improved in that sense #but it's not enough. perhaps i'm simply too harsh on myself; forgetting i am human and that i falter too. i'm not perfect n i shouldn't be.#even with my shortcomings there r ppl that stay. that say thank you. and. yeah. yeah.. that should be proof enough of real reciprocation #but.#i don't know am i really just so afraid of being forgotten? left behind? thinking of it n i used to write of that fear often back then #opening up to 'friends'. being told i was loved. that i would always have my place here #this is pathetic i grew up relying too much on success for my worth. i know i'm so much more but #i placed this on myself. this is the ocean i chose to drown myself in. so when i falter in the only thing i grew up being good that #bcs it hurts yk i used to draw. i painted a lot as a kid but what happened to that passion?#i used to write. a lot. but these past few years.. i don't know what's wrong with me. why it's so hard to do that again #piano. if i continued i would have.. i really had the potential to be. good. i mean i #i've never been a genius i've honestly always hated being called that. i know i've always been naturally smart but.#my hard-work carried me further. and i'm not.. smart enough or good enough to be a genius. never have been.#hollow compliments. before hs it was like everyone really just knew me for my brain. nothing of the way i wrote or my passions. just smarts #so now i'm just a shadow; a ghost of who i used to be. in that aspect at least. but. now w my other strengths they've been faltering too #i'm sorry i should've been better i should do more i know i can. but maybe i. i've always overestimated myself #i think when i was around 6-8 before grade school i can't really remember anymore but there was this competition i think #i would've gotten second if i didn't hesitate. if i didn't fucking hesitate. n i think that always stuck with me #bcs i was really quite the timid shy kid. even though i was older i wld be the one following apollo.. i'm sorry. they deserve more than me #bulbel is making me cry bye wtf

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ankhisms · 2 years

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feeling the sad little pathetic creature emotions this evening suddenly. i dont really want to dwell in feeling bad but it is a familiar deep sad feeling u know. itll be ok i just have to let it out